Parenthood (1989) Script

Peanuts! Roasted!

Freshly roasted! Get your peanuts!

Roasted! Red hot!

Hot peanuts!

Red hots! How about some red hot peanuts?

Peanuts! Get your peanuts here!

Go, go, go, go!


Now batting for the Cardinals, number 14, Stanley Boyer.

Come on!

We missed four innings.

Well, like I said, I had to stop and do some business.

Here, sit down.

Hey, you, usher, come here. Can I talk to you a second?

Yes, sir.

Can you watch him? Sure, no problem.

I'll be back.

Gil, this is Stan. He's gonna watch you for a while.

I have some friends I'm meeting.

I'll meet you right here, huh? For the ninth inning. Have fun, kid.

Programs here! Get your programs! Programs!

Programs here! Get your programs! Programs!

So, Gilly, big baseball fan?

Kind of. Yeah? Dad bring you here a lot?

Once a year on my birthday. Then he pays an usher to watch me.

Oh, I see.

Look, you have to understand.

My father, in his own childhood, was without a positive male influence.


His own father kicked him out when he was 15, so my Dad was taught to see child-raising as a job, a burden, a prison, rather than a playground.

Do you understand what I'm saying?

You don't talk like a kid.

Yeah, well, I'm not really a kid. You're not a duck.

This is a memory of when I was a kid.

I'm 35 now. I have kids of my own.

You don't really even exist.

You're an amalgam. A what?

A combination of several ushers my dad left me with over the years.

I've combined them into one memory. Why?

This was a great symbolic moment of my life, my father dumping me with you.

It's why I swore things would be different with my kids.

That's my dream.

Strong, happy, confident kids.

That's great. That's great. You know, you got a lovely family, and I'm a goddamn amalgam.


Who's that? That's my wife.



Yeah? The game's over, honey.

The St. Louis Cardinals wish to thank you for attending today's game.

Please drive home safely and soberly.

Let's go!

Come on, Justin. You want to walk?

Come on, Justin. Come on, let's walk.

It's fun. Come on, let's walk.

You sure you don't want to walk? There we go.

I'll get it. I'll get it.

There's your pennant. There you go.

I got him.

All right? Yes.

Come on, watch it, watch it, watch it.

There you go. Watch the car.

Watch it. There's so many cars.

Here you go.

Here you go. Down?

Where is that kid? Where is she?

Daddy! Oh, there she is. There she is.

All right, come on, go inside. Grab a seat. Buckle up.

Honey. Taylor!

You're a rat. You're a rat!

When you're sliding into first And you're feeling something burst Diarrhea Diarrhea When you're sliding into third And you lay a juicy turd Diarrhea Diarrhea When you're sliding into home And your shorts are full of foam Diarrhea Diarrhea When you're sitting in your Chevy And your shorts are feeling heavy Diarrhea Diarrhea Kevin, honey, where'd you learn that song?

Last summer at camp, Mom.

Ah! That was money well spent.

When you're sliding into first And you're feeling something burst Diarrhea Diarrhea

That's what you're gonna sleep in? You'll get cold.


Gil, Taylor isn't feeling well. She wants you.

It's those hot dogs. I'll deal with Kevin and Justin.

Hey, what do you say later, when the kids are asleep, I wear this outfit?

She's in our bed.

Hi, Daddy.

What's the matter, honey? You don't feel so good?


You feel like you wanna throw up? Okay.

Gil. Oh, my God.

Oh, Taylor, baby. Oh, sweetie.

Gil, why are you just standing there?

Oh, sweetie! I'm waiting for her head to spin around.

You'll be all right. You'll be okay.

Oh, can you come with me to see Kevin's principal on Monday morning?

Oh, boy. I love it when you talk to me about school and meetings.

Now talk to me about shopping.

No, I know. I know. Go on, go on.

I'm sorry. I just remembered now. I've been meaning to ask you, okay?

Fine. I'll be there. Okay.

What's the matter?

Nothing. I was a little tense before but now...

No, no. I mean with Kevin. Why are we going to see his principal?

Oh, because his teacher said he's been making that face again.

What? This?

Yes. The tense face.

He makes that same face at Little League.

You know what his teacher asked me?


If we'd ever taken him for a psychiatric evaluation.


She was just asking.

Why, because he makes a face?

Has she ever looked in the mirror?

You know, the face, the crying, the nervousness.

They mentioned the crying?

Yeah. You know, he doesn't really finish his work.

Hey, we'll talk to them on Monday. Don't worry, I'm sure it'll be fine.

Come here.

Where was I?

Here? Was I here?

Yeah, yeah. I was there already?


You know, that really pisses me off.

Kid's a little different, a little special, needs a little more attention, teacher's gonna put a label on him. "Problem kid."

When we go see Kevin's principal, let's find out who his teacher is gonna be next year and make sure it's not one of these hysterics!

You're right, Gil. You know, Kevin's great. He can't be that much of a problem.

Right. Now, if it was my sister's kid...


Now, there's a kid with problems.

Hi, Garry! You're up so early!


Where are you going?


What's in the bag?


Garry, you know, the whole family's coming over tonight.

There's a big surprise. Grandma and Grandpa are gonna be here, and Uncle Gil and Aunt Karen, they're bringing their kids.

Aunt Susie's gonna be here, and Uncle Nathan, their kids and... It was nice talking to you.


Hey, Julie! Yeah?

Julie, can I come in for a minute? Yeah.

Julie, I really need your help. The whole family's coming over tonight.

I don't know why, but the place is a mess.

Could you just give me a hand?

Yeah, okay, in just a few minutes.

Are you all right? I thought I heard you moaning last night.

Well, I kind of had a little bit of a stomachache, but it's fine now. It's gone.

You hate me? What?

You know, for making you study so much and giving up all your dates.

No, you were right.

Honey, I'm telling you, those SAT scores are your ticket.

And, sweetie, you know, once you get to school, you're gonna meet a lot of guys that you like just as well as that Tod.

Why do you always say "that Tod"? It just sounds so...

You're right. I'm sorry. It's been pleasant for a moment.

Okay, I guess I'm just gonna give everybody spaghetti and salad, and I better cook a steak for my dad. See you later, honey.

Are you okay?

Man, your mother can talk!

Gosh, she hates my ass.

And it's such a cute ass.

Last night, she heard the moaning. She thought it was me.

Yeah? Mmm-hmm.

So you're gonna have to try and control yourself, Tod.

With you? It's impossible.

Wait. What?

I brought something. Ooh! Good.

We can record our love.

Susan. Hi, Sis, it's Helen.

Yeah, did I loan you my big platter? Oh, great, great.

Yeah, I thought so. Would you bring it over tonight?

I just need it to serve.

Oh, listen, Julie got 1,291 on her SATs.

I know. I know. I feel so proud of her. It's great.

Yeah. How's Patty?

We're a little disappointed with the effort she's been giving lately towards her work.

Math, French, everything's gone down.

Nathan's talking to her right now. He's trying to figure out what's wrong.

Look, Patty, all I'm saying is, if you wanna have just an ordinary academic career and attend an ordinary university, that's your prerogative, but I must tell you I think you're selling yourself way short.

How's it going?

I don't know. Sometimes I feel as though we want it more than she does.

Patty, you know we love you.

Could you just give your father that little extra effort he's looking for?

Okay, Mama.

That's all I ask.

Come on, Kevin. I got you.

I want that, Kevin. I want that! No.

Kevin! Taylor! No!

Time to come in now, children.

Okay. Okay, Grandma.

Hey, hey, you wanna...

Come on, I don't believe it. Gil, you have a good memory.

Was it yours or Helen or Susan's wedding I got drunk at?

It was all three, Dad. Congratulations.

Well, which one did I punch the bandleader?

That was mine. We have photos.

I'm having them blown up for the commitment hearings.

You think he's funny, huh? When he was a kid, he wasn't this funny.

Stayed in his room all day. Boy, you were a moody little son of a bitch.

Gee, I wonder why?

Do you remember that little guy who wouldn't leave my side?

I know.

Well, now, you know, if I take a step towards him, he just takes a step away.

I don't know what's happening to him, you know.

He's just so unhappy and he won't talk to me, and I don't know how to help him.

Did you ever consider having Ed talk to him?

Are you kidding?

He won't even acknowledge he's got these kids, now that he's got his new wife and his new kids!

He won't even fix my kids' teeth anymore.

He says it makes him uncomfortable.


Yeah, I wish he'd drop his drill down his pants.

Are you seeing anybody?

Well, Garry's biology teacher asked me out.

Biology? That's promising.

No, no, no, no. He's not the type I usually go for.

"The Penal Colony by Franz Kafka."

Hey, Nathan, Patty a doctor yet?

Mock if you will.

All right.

Our children are more capable of retaining and absorbing information than we are, and yet we insist on treating them like adorable little morons.

What are you saying, Patty can learn things I can't learn?

Patty, which one of these is the square root of 8,649?


They're like sponges, Gil, just waiting to absorb.

I want this.

You see?

Take my advice. Forget about Kevin and Taylor. It's too late. Work on Justin.

Actually, Justin is quite bright. In his preschool class, he was the only...

Slow down, Justin. I'll get you some dip.

Oh, you remember that guy you went out with in college? Jeffrey Sanders?

You know, you always chased me out of the room whenever he came over.

Oh, yeah. I saw him today.

God, what a loser, huh?

In a Rolls.

I meant me.

What is that?

Oh, Nathan and Patty and I are power-eating.

We bring our own food everywhere.

He turned me onto it, and I never felt better.

Where do you get that stuff?

This is it. Everybody in the living room. This is the big surprise.

Okay, Frank.

Oh, Larry. My baby.

You look great. Dad!

How are you, son?

Oh, boy. Great to see you!

Shit. Well put.

Who's that? Wait a second, I've got something for you.

That's my kid brother Larry. Your uncle.

Don't give him any money.

I won't.

Just a little something for being the best dad in the world.

I found it a couple of months ago. It's for your collection.

A toy car!

Oh, this is great. A Stutz!

Yeah, you got it. Spend it on the people you love, right?

Is this Grandma? Yeah, she's still alive.

Jesus, Grandma, you got short.

I'm shrinking.




How long has it been? Three years? About that.

You stopped wearing your turban.


My God, Susan, you look great. If you weren't my sister...

Helen, I know it's been hard.


You were supposed to wait outside so I could introduce you.

Well, why don't you do it now, Larry?

Everybody, this is my son Cool.

Did he say, "Cool"? Cool.

Your son? It's a long story.

Let's eat. Yeah, well, good idea.

Keep Patty away from my brother.

He'll suck the intelligence right out of her.

Cool is adorable. Adorable. Why didn't you ever write us you had a son?

I didn't know myself until a couple of months ago.

You see, a few years ago, I was living in Vegas with this girl.

Showgirl. She was in that show Elvis on Ice.

Anyhow, we drifted apart as people do in these complicated times, and then a couple of months ago, she shows up with Cool, tells me, "You watch him. I shot someone. I have to leave the country."

That's a parent?

Anyway, we're back in town because I've got something really huge cooking.

Enormo. Monster. Dad, this is it!

From now on, I'm going to be taking care of all of you.

This isn't another get-rich-quick scheme, is it, Larry?

What's wrong with getting rich quick?

Quick is the best way to get rich. Look who I'm talking to.

Did you ever see her family?

They find a nickel, they huddle together and bury it like squirrels.

What's the deal, son? What do you have going?

Has anyone heard of hydroponics?

Well, that's great, Larry.

Hydroponics is the growing of plants without soil. It's very exciting.

What are you using? Coarse sand or suspension hydroponics?

I don't...

There's a guy with glasses and a lab coat that makes that decision. I make the deal.

And I got to thinking. Cool's had no kind of life, no family, so while I'm locking this thing down, I thought it'd be nice if we stayed with you.

With us? Couple of weeks.

The thing is, Larry, we don't have the big house anymore, you know?

We didn't need it.

We just have the one bedroom for us and one for Grandma.

Well, Grandma's welcome to stay with us for a while.

I think it'd be valuable for Patty to have a multigenerational influence.

Fine with me.

Well, I'll have to give you a list of the medications, and when and how much, and you'll have to pick up her shower chair.

There's the batteries for her hearing aid, magnifying glass for reading...

Oh, jeez. What happened?

Your mouth used up all the power.

Don't worry, Dad, we can still find the bar.

I'll get a flashlight. - I'll get it, Sis.

Mom, Dad, what happened?

Where is it? In the bedroom? It's in the nightstand.

Mom, Dad, what happened? I'm getting a flashlight.

Kevin. Kevin! You know I don't like it in the dark.

Honey, this is a blackout.

It's a temporary interruption in the electrical supply of the home.

It's okay, honey. Something's busted. Relax.

Where's the switch? Does this look like my house?

Here. Bring it here. Oh, here it is.

What is this?

Mommy, what was that?

That was an electric ear cleaner.

It was kind of big. It sure was.

I mean, I don't think you really have to worry about it.

The point is that once they see us, then they'll realize that we're fine, and the kid is fine, and it's not something...



I think we're going to have to be very careful about Kevin's educational environment.


With that in mind, I don't think Kevin should come back here next fall.

I'm going to recommend that he be transferred to a school that offers special education classes.

You mean because he's so smart?

Actually, I mean a class for children with emotional problems.

Hi. I'm sorry I'm late.

You must be the Buckmans. I'm Dr. Jeffrey Lucas.

Dr. Lucas is a child psychologist.

He's been observing Kevin for the last couple of months.


Mr. Buckman, this is a public school.

Thirty-eight kids to a class.

We estimate that Kevin's teacher spends at least

20%. of her time dealing with Kevin.

That class is going to finish the year behind. It isn't fair.

Kevin is a very sweet, very sensitive, extremely tense little boy.

He needs some special attention.

It's 'cause he was first. Mmm?

It's because he was our first.

I mean, I think we were very tense when Kevin was little.

If he got a scratch, we were hysterical.

By the third kid, you know, you let them juggle knives.

On the other hand, Kevin may have been like this in the womb.

Recent studies indicate that these things are all chemical.

She smoked grass.

Gil! I never smoked when I was pregnant.

Yeah, but in college, you were like a chimney.

I thought you were gonna join a reggae band.

Fifteen years ago.

I'm just saying there could've been some chromosome distortions.

Well, you let them do anything. You let them watch TV just like that.

So we'll throw the TVs out. We'll put the TVs in the garbage, then, and you and I, we'll perform works from Shakespeare or some...

I'm sorry.

I'm just a little thrown off by this.

Gil. Karen.

You should not look upon the fact that Kevin will be going to a special school as any kind of failure on your part.

No, I'll blame the dog.

In an educational environment that's more sensitive to his needs...

All right, look. First of all, Kevin is not going to a special school.

Whether it's right or not, there's a stigma.

People are cruel, especially children, and I won't subject Kevin to that kind of cruelty.

If we have to, we'll send him to a private school.

I don't care what it costs. I'll get a second job.

Mr. and Mrs. Buckman, this is a problem that won't just go away.

Well, if we need to, we'll send Kevin to a private therapist.

That's right. Look, it's a problem. We're aware of it, but we're his parents. We can handle it.

Well, the next school year is four months off, so let's see what can be accomplished.

Thank you. No! Tod. Tod!

I need to see. No, not in the street. Please. Please.

What is this?

It's the party celebrating my mother's promotion at the bank.

Give me that. Give me that.

Excuse me. This is the wrong batch. This is my mother's.

There should be another envelope for Buckman.


That was picked up already.

By who?



I think this one is my favorite. This is just...

It was just for fun, Mom. Well, I'm glad to know it's not a job.

That's that Tod, isn't it? There's one where you can see his face.

Is that what bothers you?

That I did those things or that I did them with Tod?

Gee whiz, Julie, there's so many things that bother me about this.

I don't know how to separate them.


Ooh! Here's something for my wallet.

Tod is very important to me. And we've got the pictures to prove it.

Mom! This is your room.

You did these things right here in my house?

Well, I thought someone in this house ought to be having sex.

I mean, with something that doesn't require batteries.

What did you say to me? God damn it, you get back here!

Open this door, God damn it to hell!

I would just like a little respect! Not a lot! Just a little!

Do you know why I'm having sex with machinery?

Because your father left to have a party, and I stayed to raise two kids.

I have no life! God damn it!

What are you doing?

I'm leaving before we say things we'll regret.

You're gonna say something worse than the battery remark?

Tod and I are in love.

It's not "going steady" love, it's love.

I need him. He's my life.

He touches me, and I quiver.

Oh, would you give me just a small break?

See? You can't handle it.

Tod's working now. We'll find a place to live somewhere.

Hi, Garry. Hi.

I'm moving out, Garry. Bye.

See? You've upset your brother!

Julie, I'm telling you, if you walk out of this house against my wishes, don't ever think about coming back here.




Honey, I'm always here if you need me.


Honey, be careful. If you want anything, just call me!



Oh, man. lncredible. Just incredible.

I knew you'd be the one who'd appreciate this.

Three years, every night, every weekend. I had dinner out here!

You know, it was a piece of junk when I found it.

First time I got laid was in a car like this.

Frank! What?

Cool just finished lunch.

I'll call the newspaper.

I thought you and Larry could take him somewhere.

I am showing Larry my car.

Just plop him down in front of the TV.

That's what he always does.

Wasn't that Super Bowl incredible right down to the last minute?


They're usually not that close, huh? Oh, no.

No, that's right, and usually the winning team covers the point spread. Usually you can count on it.

Take a beating? No, thanks. I already took one.

Anyway, I had to pay off, and it's left me a little...

What do you need?

Come on, don't insult me. I didn't come here to be insulted.

Come on. Come on.

Putting together a deal, you got to look like you can piss with the big boys.

You see? You know.

How much?

Couple of thousand. Three, tops.




You see, Grandma, Patty studies Eastern philosophy.

Our future leaders are gonna have to be much more in tune with the Oriental mind.

Okay, sweetie, one more time.

Nathan, guess what? Oh, you're home early.

Yeah, I have good news. What?

What's up?

I'm going to teach summer school classes.

That means we'll have vacation money.

Oh, that's great.


Sí, sí.

Gil and Karen are gonna take Patty. I just wanna call them.

Gee, honey, I'm really not too pro on Patty spending a week with Gil.

Why not? They offered.

I'm a little concerned about his jocularity. I mean, he's a wonderful guy.

It's just he's a little, you know, light-hearted about things that I...

That, you know, that we consider important.

She has fun over there. You know, she scampers. She cavorts.

Try this. We take Patty with us.

To Mexico?

It's a perfect opportunity to start her on Spanish.

It'll be fun.


I thought it would be nice if you and I could be alone.

We will be. We'll get two rooms.

Which one will I be in?


That means "come here" in Spanish!

Por favor. Please.

I want you to listen to something.

I got a tape of a mariachi band.

An authentic, indigenous, native Mexican form of music.

Gil, good morning. Hello, Cindy.

When were you gonna tell me?

Tell you what?

Lenny called this morning and he said they were wondering where I thought we should take Phil Richards to celebrate his partnership.

That Lenny is an asshole. Do you believe that guy?

Nobody was supposed to have that information until next month.

That partnership is mine.

You said it was just held up by Ted's surgery, and then when he got back you'd make it official.

Look, I never said you didn't do great work. You do terrific work.

Every firm does good work.

Look, I know you're a lot smarter than Phil, but the guy works like a Trojan.

He schmoozes clients. He brings in business.

He's here nights, weekends. I own the guy.

And that's what puts your name on the door.

This is really coming out of left field.

I've been here eight years.

I'm the backbone of the operation. I know that.

If I don't get this partnership, I got to think about going somewhere else.

I got to tell you, Gil. I don't consider that a realistic idea.


You go somewhere else, you're gonna have to get in line behind guys who are younger than you, who have been there longer, who are more committed and who are willing to work for less money.

Look, this thing with Phil is not etched in stone.

I can jerk him along for the next month.

Why don't you use that time to give us your best shot?

Put in the hours, dazzle me.

Dazzle you?

Listen, Dave, I'm having a problem at home.

I really need to spend a lot of extra time with my son right now.

Then I don't know what we can do.

Get this guy! Get this guy! Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.


Well, they're bad dudes. That's why they call the game Bad Dudes.

Okay, I should go stay with the girls. You got enough quarters?

Yeah. Okay.



How come I'm seeing a psychiatrist?

Yeah, we were gonna have a big talk about that.

What's wrong with me? Nothing. Nothing.

You're great. Then how come...


You're a kid like I was. You have a lot of worries, that's all.

And these doctors, they're experts at helping people with their worries.

It's nothing to feel bad about.

Look, you're a great kid, and I love you very much, okay?

Okay. Okay.

You know what I think?

I think this is gonna be a great summer for you.

And don't forget you got a birthday coming up.

Let's have a great party. That'll be fun, huh?

Can we have Cowboy Dan? Who?

Cowboy Dan. The gun-fighting balloon man.

He was at Billy's party. He's cool.

Absolutely. It's a done deal. This is your dad talking now.

Now, you've got me excited.

Okay, now, what do we say when we see a cute eight-year-old girl walk by?

Hubba-hubba. Hubba-hubba. Okay.

Oh, don't tell your mom I taught you that. It could be bad. Let's go.


You like it? Yeah, it's good. It's shiny.

Yeah! You know, it was junk when I found it.

The first time I got laid was in...

That's a story for another time.

Hi, Dad. Dinner ready?

What was that?


Oh, some friends were just dropping me off.

Friends? Friends slow down. They even stop.


Oh, Mommy.

Sweetie, you're gonna be okay.

Honey, why would you be panhandling?

I needed money for a place to stay.

Julie, you have a place to stay.

I'd have to tell you what happened.

What did happen? I just said I didn't want to tell you.

Did you leave that Tod? Yes.

He promised me he was gonna start a house-painting business, then he said he'd changed his mind.

He's gonna race dragsters with his brothers.

He can't even drive a regular car.

So his brothers came over and we got in a fight.

He said, "No bitch is gonna tell me what to do for a living."

He told me he loved me.


They say that, and then they come.

Honey, what can you expect from a kid like that?

Mom, back off. The last guy you dated stole our furniture.

Men are scum. I know.

I know, sweetie. Men are scum.

Hi, Garry.

Honey, Julie's home. Great.

Come on, let's go eat lots of ice cream.

Do you want an ice-cream soda? No.

How about... Do you want, like, a hot-fudge sundae?

Do you want a banana split?


Do you want something like French fries? Yeah.

You do?

Julie! Tod!

I thought I'd find you here.

What does that make you, Sherlock Holmes? I live here.

You live with me.

I wouldn't live with you if the world were flooded with piss and you lived in a tree.

Excuse me, I'm going to the movies.

You're not leaving here until you hear what I have to say.

I'm not...

Julie! Let go of me!

Let her go! Julie, just listen to me!

Julie, please! Let her go!

God damn it! Let her go! Julie... Please!

Please, Miss Buckman, I love her. Let her go! God damn it!

Julie, you can't run out on me. You're my wife.

If you don't let her go, I'm gonna call the... You're his what?

His wife. We got married a couple of days ago.

Are you out of your mind? Mom!

No, please, Miss Buckman! Are you out of your mind?

Julie, I didn't mean it.

What? I'm sorry.

My brothers were ragging on me and I couldn't back down, but last night, I told them.

They mean nothing.

You mean everything.

Oh, Tod.


Okay, look lively, look lively. You're doing great.

Shortstop, here it goes. All right, pick it up!

Easy, now over to first. That's right. That's the way to play. That's good.

All right, you're beautiful. You're a bunch of wild, young bohemians. Okay.

Let's go again. Okay, second base. Here we go.

Now get down on it. Don't be afraid. It can't hurt you, Ben.

Here we go. Get down on that. Get down on it, get down!

Wayne, get Ben some ice.

All right, we're gonna need a new second baseman.

Now, which one of you outfielders wants to try second base, huh?


How about you, Kevin? You wanna try second base?

Okay. All right.

Oh, Matt, come on. None of that. We're a team. Let's be a team.

Now, come on. Get out there and hustle. Let's go.

Hey, Kevin, remember, the word is "fun."

So just go on out there and what you catch, you catch, and what you miss, you miss.


Okay, Dad.

Okay. Come on.

Way to go, Kevin.

And now it is my great pleasure to introduce our valedictorian, Kevin Buckman.

Thank you.

You know, when I was nine years old, I had kind of a rough time.

A lot of people thought I was pretty mixed up.

But there was one person who got me through it.

He did everything right.

And thanks to him, today, well, I'm the happiest, most confident, and most well-adjusted person in this world.

Dad, I love you.

You're the greatest.

All right! All right!


One more out, guys! Let's go! Let's go!

How's your arm, son? Not too tired?

Hey, Gil, our boys finally gonna win one game?

Way to be supportive, Lou.

That's right. That's right, Kevin!

Way to go. Way to go, Tommy! All right! All right!

All right, Adam.

We got bases loaded. We're only one run down.

Now, you can do it. Get up there. Come on, now.

Please, God, let them win one game.

Got it!


You stink, Buckman!

He had no business being out there!

What's the matter with you? No business!


He had no business being out there! Terrible!

Why'd you make me play second base?

Someone's climbed to the roof of the bell tower with a rifle!

It's Kevin Buckman. His father totally screwed him up.

What's he yelling?

You made me play second base!

Kevin, I'm sorry. I did the best I could.

Nice shot, son. It's important to be supportive.

Come on, let's sing one of the old tunes.

When you're sliding into home And your pants are full of foam Diarrhea


Why are you pouring water through my diaphragm?

To check.

To see if it's okay.

You didn't know I did that, did you? No.

Obviously not, or you wouldn't have tried this.

Are you accusing me of making that hole?

No, a woodpecker came in here, went into the bathroom, opened the drawer with his little wing, and pecked a couple of holes in your diaphragm.

I can't believe you would jeopardize our plans, Susan. Remember what we read?

"A vast majority of truly exceptional people

"are either only children or first-born

"with at least a five-year separation between sibs."

We agreed to... No, you agreed.

And they're not sibs. They're babies. And I wanna have another one.

So, this is how you go about it, by vandalizing a contraceptive device?

Because you won't discuss it with me!

I did discuss it with you, years ago!

Well, I think we were wrong. Well, I think we were right.

And I'm not discussing it again.

Tod! Yeah.

Do you want me to cook you breakfast?

No, thanks, Helen. Julie's gonna do it.

Great. I'll get the fire extinguisher.

All right. I'll see you guys at dinner.

Sweet Jesus!

What are you doing? Are you joining the Marines?

I knew you'd make a thing out of this, Mom.

Just clean up the hair.

Wait. Do it like that.

Cool! No, I love it. Thanks so much.

You ready, Garry? You want anything to eat?

How long are they gonna be living here?

Not much longer, I think.

Well, I was just thinking.

It's getting pretty crowded here.

Oh, it's not so crowded.

There's a lot more room since they shaved their heads.

Well, I was just thinking maybe I could stay with Dad for a while.


Well, I've been here a long time. Maybe I should live with him for a while.

You wanna live with your father?

Kind of.

Have you talked to your father about that?

No, not yet.

I thought I'd call him.


you know, you don't know your father like I do.

I don't know him at all.

What's his number?


he'd be at work now.

So that's


Yeah, yeah.. Is Dr. Lampkin there?

His son.

No, Dad, it's not Joey. It's Garry, your other son.

Well, I need to ask you something.

It'll just take a second.

Well, would it be okay if I stay with you for a while?

A few months.


Oh, Ed. You shit.

He, um...

He didn't think it was such a good idea.

Oh, sweetie.

I gotta go. Oh, honey.

Gil? Hey, Gil? Yes, Miles?

When's Cowboy Dan the gun-fighting balloon man gonna be here?

Isn't that him?

No, that's the schmuck who brought the horse.

I don't think he's coming.

Yes, of course he is. The man's a professional.

Do you think he wants to put a blot on the entire balloon-bending profession?

Go on and have fun. And we'll have some burgers and dogs in a second.

Let's go watch the horse shit! Yeah!

Patty, why don't you play with Justin?

I don't understand what he's doing.

Well, he's spinning.

What for?

No reason. Just for fun.

It doesn't look like fun.

It isn't.

You tried it?

So does Julie have a nice place?

Oh, yeah, yeah, she has a lovely place. Yeah, she has my place.

She and that Tod are both living in my house.


Well, actually it was my idea.

You know, otherwise, she was gonna quit school and get a job and...

I don't know. Maybe this way, she'll still go to college.

All right. All right. All right. All right.

Here we go. The thumb trick. Ready?

Thumb trick. Do the thumb trick.

Look at my thumb. Ready? Here we go. Watch it. Watch it.

What are you doing?

Thumb trick. Show her, Dad.

Okay, but this is the last time. Here we go. Ready?

I mean, Justin's gonna go full-time next year, so everybody's asking when I'm gonna go back to work, like I'm supposed to.

And I'm thinking about it. I mean, I used to work. It was okay, but...

You know, I think I'm better at this.

I mean, I think I'm sort of good at it, so...

But then, people make me feel embarrassed, like I don't have goals or something.

Like I sit around here eating bonbons all day, right?

Oh, I don't know. Well, what does Gil say?

He says I should do whatever I want.

I could've killed him for that.

What are you so upset about?

Nathan, she's weird. She's a weird child.

I think a few days a week of preschool could be very helpful.

This is not the right age for Patty to be socially activated.

We went through it.

She's not a bomb. She's a little kid who has no ability to relate to other little kids.

Do you want her to relate to him?

Help! Help! Help!

See, when I met him, I was a little wild.

I was a little out of control and he kind of took me in hand.

I liked that. He's very commanding.

He got me into teaching. He got my shit together.

Boy, he really turned me on.

Really? I mean, of course, really.

Oh, Nathan and I used to be hot.

I know he doesn't look it, but...

I mean, we were like rabbits.

I used to give him, you know, oral, you know, on the highway.


You know, he was always trying to get a research grant.

And you thought that would help?

No, but... I mean, he kept getting turned down and he'd get real, real tense.

So if I saw him getting, you know, really tense, I'd just lean over while he was driving and I'd...

Susan. What?

I just spoke to your mother.

Grandma wants to stay over at Helen's for a while.

Can you drive her there tomorrow?

Sure. Great.

He likes to butt things with his head.

How proud you must be.

Here it is. Now it's right there in front of you.

Okay. Careful now. Careful.


Here, take this off.

Now really try and hit it.

Yeah. Really give it a good shot.

Yeah. Give it a good whack!


Put your shoulder into it and whack it.

Now just kill it! Kill it!

When I was born, Grover Cleveland was president.

I'm sorry I'm late.

Where should I do it?

Who are you and what are you going to do?

I'm from Party Time Entertainment.

I'm your stripper.

What's the birthday boy's name? Because I paint it across my breasts.

Okay, it was a mix-up. I got Cowboy Dan's card and he got mine.

I'm sorry. Goodbye.

Wait a minute. What about Cowboy Dan? He is coming.

He showed up at the Lodge Hall, and they were expecting me.

They beat him severely, so Cowboy Dan ain't coming.

Cowboy Dan's not coming?

Come on, Kevin, hold it together.

I knew it.

I told you.

All the kids are gonna hate me. It's gonna be just like Little League.

Cowboy Dan is coming.

Gil! He's coming. Cowboy Dan is coming!

Howdy, partner.

You're Kevin's father! You're not Cowboy Dan.


That's right. They call me Cowboy Gil, as in guilty.

I saw Cowboy Dan. I didn't like the look on his face.

It was like this, so I killed him.

I blew a hole in him this big.

That's too small.

Actually, it was about this big.

You know, when I think about it, that hole was about this big.

Yeah, and his guts were spilled out all over the floor.

As I was walking away, I slipped around on his guts.

And a couple of other people came by and they started slipping on his guts, too.

After I blow a hole in somebody and slip around on their guts, afterwards, I always like to make balloon animals.

That's mighty courteous of you.

Here we go.

What's he doing? I don't know.

Your lower intestines.

Watch out, you little varmints! Why, you! You darned kids!

Why, you little lily-livered lumps of cat meat!

Where's Cowboy Gil? Where'd he go?

Ambush, you little four-footers.

And here it is. It's made with a quart of milk, two cups of sugar and three cow pies.

Come on and get it.

Will you get down off the horse before you hurt yourself?

Honey, I got to make a big exit.

That's Cowboy Gil's woman. Take a bow, little lady.

Hi. Hi.

I sure hope that when I mosey back this way one day, you don't mind if I stop in and say hello.

Well, I got to be moseying on back to Abilene.

Keep your powder and your pants dry.

Kevin, I hope this is the best danged birthday you ever had.

Adiós, buckaroos.

Giddy-up, Thunder Thighs!

Adiós, buckaroos. Don't try and follow me to Abilene.

Good night, sweetheart. Good night, Mom.

Did you have a nice birthday?

Dad was funny. He sure was.

Well, good night, nine-year-old boy.

Happy birthday, kiddo.

Dad? Yeah?

When I grow up, can I work where you work?


That way we can still see each other every day.

Good night. I love you.

I love you, too.




Let me out of here, mango face!

Hello, Helen?

Oh, the door was unlocked.

Oh, my God!

What channel is this? No, Gran, this is a tape.

She needs a man.


Gran, this isn't mine. I don't watch this.

What's everybody doing in here?

Did you break my lock?

Susie, Gran, would you please go to my room?


One of those men reminded me of your grandpa. God bless him.

Garry, listen to me. How could you break my lock?

I came in here because I was afraid you were on drugs.

Why would you think that?

Because of what you did to your father's office.

What do you mean?

He found your hammer.

You know, those were your initials burned into the handle.

Someone must have taken it. Oh, Garry, just...

Honey, you know, all these feelings...

You're right to have all these feelings.

You're a great kid. You're a great kid, honey.

You just got a lousy dad.

And you've just got to learn to say, "The hell with him!"

Actually, that's good advice for both of us.

The hell with him!

I don't know what to say about the tapes.

You know, I assume that, you know, you're watching these because you're curious about sex, you know, or filmmaking.

Is there anything you'd like to ask?



No, I don't blame you. What about Uncle Gil?

He's busy with his own kids.

Hi. Hi.

Where's my wife? She's still at school.

She's got cheerleading practice. Bitchin'.

So what's up?

Would you like to speak to Tod?

Can I speak frankly, no holds barred?


That is one messed-up little dude.

You sure we can talk straight?

All right.

A few months ago, Garry got his first boner.

You know what that is?

If memory serves.

Great! Anyway, since then he's been uh, slapping the salami. No offense.


Apparently, he's going for a world record.

Chicken's burning.



Damn! That looked good, too.

Anyway, he was afraid there was something wrong with him, you know?

Like he was a pervert or something.

I told him that's what little dudes do. We've all done it.

That made him happy.

Garry was happy?

Yeah, he even smiled.

I never even knew he had teeth.

I guess a boy Garry's age really needs a man around.

Yeah, well,

it depends on the man. I had a man around.

He used to wake me up in the morning by flicking lit cigarettes at my head.

"Hey, asshole, get up and make me breakfast."

You know, Miss Buckman, you need a license to buy a dog or drive a car.

Hell, you need a license to catch a fish, but they'll let any butt-reaming asshole be a father.

Well, I'm gonna pick up Julie.

They're hassling her about her hair.

She does look kind of stupid.

I don't know what we were thinking about.



Kevin wants to go.

How did you go through those quarters so fast?

Another kid took Kevin's money. Shut up!

What kid? Never mind. Never mind. Can we just go?

It was that kid. Never mind!

That kid? That kid's not bigger than you. Go back and get your money!

Dad, let me handle it, okay?

Kevin, do you want me to help you get your money back?

No, can we just go? I wanna go!

Okay. "Okay"?

Now, that's a little kid. Justin can beat up that kid!

Shut up, Dad. Will you just shut up?

(CRYING) Oh, no!

What's the matter? I lost my retainer!


Shh. Honey. It's okay.

I put my retainer on the table.

Just relax. Kevin, it's okay, honey.

It's his retainer. He lost his retainer.

It's all right, sweetheart. Come on, sweetie. We'll find it.

Oh, God!

Here, let me. Where are the kids?

Your folks are driving them home.

They'll wait with them at our house.

Oh, that's just what Kevin needs, time alone with my dad.


Let's just go.

Gil, they're $200.

If you dropped $200 in here, you'd look, right?


Let's face it. He's getting worse.

He has his good days, and he has his bad days.

Why is he so high-strung? He's like a poodle.

Everything's blown out of proportion.

Where does he get this obsessive behavior?

I wish I knew.

They're gonna put him in special ed.

Gil, what did you think?

That you'd dress up like a cowboy and coach Little League, and Kevin would be fine?


I mean, no, I didn't.

Yeah. Yeah, okay, I did.

Well, honey, you were really kidding yourself.

You know, when your kid is born, it can still be perfect.

You haven't made any mistakes yet.

And then they grow up to be like...

Like me.

Oh, I'm gonna be home late tomorrow. How come?

I'm attempting to dazzle Dave.

I'm trying to put together a major income-property thing for one of our bigger clients.

Has Dave said anything?

Thursday when I left for Little League, he said, "Let's all thank Gil for stopping by."

I didn't take it as a good sign.

Well, let's just wait and see. You know, worrying isn't gonna help.

God, I'm so tense.

You're tense right now, honey?

My back is tense. My neck is tense.

My ears are tense. It's like they're hot or something.

Maybe I can do something to help you relax.

I doubt it, honey.

I'd like to try.

I am so sorry.

It's all right, honey. It was my fault. You just kind of took me by surprise.

So how did this happen?

Show him, honey.

It's awfully late, Frank. We need to get Cool right to bed.

He'll be all right.

Hi, Dad.

Take the boy inside.

I couldn't resist. I had to take it out for a spin. It purrs like a kitten.

You're probably wondering why I took it out without telling you.

I wanted to have it appraised so that you'd know how much it was worth.

Only they can't appraise it unless they have all the paperwork, the registration, the proof of purchase. You've got those things around?

I'm not a schmuck!

You were going to sell my car.

Sell... Dad...

Look, don't bullshit me anymore! It belittles us both!

I want you out of the house.

Dad, they're gonna kill me.


Frigging basketball! I had a lock.

This miserable son-of-a-bitch rookie throws in a goddamn 50-footer at the buzzer. It was a nightmare.

It was like he reached into my chest and ripped out...

Oh, shut up!

How much do you owe?

The truth now!



Dad, I'm never gambling again, I swear to God, but these guys mean business.

What about that 3,000 I gave you?

I took it to the track.

I wanted to run it up so that I wouldn't have to hit you for the whole amount.

What the hell is the matter with you?

You're not a kid anymore! You're not stupid!

Dad, I can't get a break.

I have been so close so many times, I could touch it.

Did you ever think about getting a job?

Oh... Great.

Oh. That is just great. Now, what did you always tell me, huh?

"Make your mark! Make your mark!

"Don't be one of the numbers. Make your mark!"

You misunderstood me! You weren't listening!

Oh, come on, if I called you up to tell you, "Hey Dad, I'm the new assistant sub-vice president of pencil sharpening

"at some crappy little company," you're telling me you'd think that was great?

I am better than that! I am not Gil!

Look, I've made some mistakes.

I have to learn from them.

They're going to kill me, Dad, with pain.

I'm your son.




Excuse me, honey.

I don't mean to interrupt, but I've made up some new cards.

Really? That's great, Mommy.

I'm so glad you're back with the program. Let's do your cards.

Why don't I show them to you first and make sure they're appropriate?


Sweetheart, Mommy and Daddy will be back in two minutes. How many seconds is that?



"This is

"the only way

"I can get

"your attention."

Honey, this is really basic stuff. She's way beyond this.

"I'm leaving you."

You're leaving me?


Well, thank you.

I really had a great time.

It's been years since anybody's taken me to a carnival.

You thought that was a carnival? That was my parents' house.

You know, you're pretty funny for a biology teacher.

Thank you.

Would you like to come in?

Sure. Okay.

Hi, guys. Hey, Miss B!

Hi, Mom. Hi, Mr. Bowman.

Knee drop!

It's a nice knee drop, honey.

Would you like some coffee?

I'd love some.

The kitchen's right through here.

Can I ask you something? Sure.

How come you finally decided to go out with me?

Well, my grandmother told me to.

No, really. She's been staying with us. Only, it's a little crowded, so tomorrow. I'm taking her over to my brother Gil's.

Hi, Julie. Julie, I would like to introduce you to Mr. Bowman!

Tod?? Julie?

What's up? Did you get the Twinkies?

I found this in the trunk of your car.

You're racing again, aren't you?

Yeah, so what?

So you promised. That's what!

I changed my mind. You changed your mind?

Yeah, I changed my mind!

What about house painting?

I gave it up. You gave it up? That was your future!


Dave and Rod kind of took all the equipment and split, and I don't know where they are.

I told you not to trust those guys. Didn't I tell you?

I'm not as smart as you are, okay?

I didn't get 1 3,000 on my SATs, okay?

I'm stupid, okay? Okay!

Julie... Butt out!

Maybe I should leave. No, maybe I should leave.

What do you mean "maybe"?


What is it with the women in this family?

They make all the men in this family want to leave.

Well, if he thinks I'm having his baby now, he's crazy!

Baby? Your daughter's having a baby?

A baby?

You're gonna be a grandma?

No, no, no, no, no, no.

I'm too young. You know, grandmothers are old.

They bake, and they sew, and they tell you stories about the Depression.

I was at Woodstock, for Christ's sake! I peed in a field!

I've hung onto the Who's helicopter as it flew away!

I was at Woodstock.

Oh, yeah? I thought you looked familiar!

Gil, I've spoken with Ted and Dan, and we have decided to make Phil Richards a partner.

Holy shit!

Now, I know you're upset. Upset?

Haven't you seen the deals I've been putting together?

I have been killing myself. I mean, aren't you dazzled?

You still don't get it, do you?

Phil has just brought in three brand-new multimillion-dollar clients.

He has spent the last month wining and dining these guys, getting them laid.

He doesn't tell me about problems with his kids.

I'm not even sure if he has kids.

If this man's dick fell off, he would still show up to work.

He is an animal. That's what dazzles, not the work.

You can't do what he does. You hate that shit.

Now, Phil Richards... I quit!

Oh, Gil... Forget it.

Phil brought you some big clients. You're happy.

Oh, Gil...

I'm just going to call my clients, give them the news, and I'm out of here.

Friday's my last day. Don't make me a party.



Hey, this is not a playground, okay?


Daddy... Not now!

Okay... Not now!

Knock it off!

God, I can't believe they did this.

All right, the other kids got picked up, ours are watching a tape, and Helen just dropped your Grandma off. Let's talk.

I quit my job.


They gave the partnership to Phil Richards.

Phil Richards, this is a guy who leaves his wife and kids and then puts all his money in his girlfriend's name so they can't touch him for child support. I mean, the guy is...

Anyway, I couldn't stand it. I snapped.

Can you still change your mind?

What do you mean, change my mind? I quit.

I know, but did you say anything that would make it difficult for them to take you back?

Jesus, honey, I was hoping you'd be a little more supportive. It's not like I...

I'm pregnant.

Since when?

Since I am. I'm due in February.

I didn't want to say anything till I was sure.

How did this happen?

It was an accident.

Anyhow, this is why I'm saying maybe now this isn't the best time for you to be out of work or starting a new job.

You know, if you'd told me there was a chance of this happening, I might not have quit in the first place.

Well, you never told me there was a chance you might quit.

It was a spur-of-the-moment decision. Pretty big one.

So what are you saying I should do?

Crawl back to work and kiss Dave's feet and get my crappy job back?

I quit! If I go back now, they got me. I'm a eunuch!

You know, this puts a minor crimp in my life, too.

I was thinking about starting back to work in the fall. Now I can't.

Well, that's the difference between men and women.

Women have choices. Men have responsibilities.

Oh, really?

Oh, okay, well, then I choose for you to have the baby, okay? That's my choice.

You have the baby. You get fat.

You breastfeed till your nipples are sore.

I'll go back to work!

All right, let's return from la-la land because that ain't gonna happen.

And whether I crawl back to Dave or I get another job, it's obvious now I'm going to have to spend less time at home.

I'm gonna have to have business dinners, and I'm gonna have to play racquetball, and I'm gonna have to get guys laid, so I hope you don't mind if I bring a few prostitutes home, honey, because that's what it takes to get anywhere, and I'm not getting anywhere, so whatever happens, you have to count on less help from me.

Why don't you just say what you're really thinking?

What am I thinking?

That I should have an abortion?

I didn't say that.

That's a decision every woman has to make on her own.

What, are you running for Congress?

Don't give me that. I want your opinion about what we should do.

Let's pretend it's your decision, okay?

Pretend you're a caveman or your father. What do you want me to do?

I want...

I want whatever you want.

Well, I wanna have the baby.

Well, great! Let's have it, then. Let's see how I can screw the fourth one up.

Hey, let's have five. Let's have six!

Let's have a dozen and pretend they're donuts!

I'm really happy about the way things are turning out, aren't you?

You know, with the frame of mind you're in, not only am I not sure we should have another baby, I'm not sure we should keep the three we've got.

Well, I'm ready to discuss it.

However, I can't right now because I gotta go to the goddamn Little League.

Ten little boys are waiting for me to guide them into last place.

You really have to go?

My whole life is "have to."

Come on, Kevin, get your glove.

You said I didn't have to play anymore.

I know what I said, but now I'm changing my mind.

If I have to go, you have to go. Move it!

Kevin, this one's for you.

Get behind the ball. It's easier to come in.

Hi, Dad. What are you doing here?

Karen said you were here.

Can I speak to you a second?


Hey, Wayne, can you take over a second?

What's up?

I need your advice.

Wait a second. My head is spinning. Come on.

Look, Larry needs $26,000 or gamblers are gonna kill him.


I'm supposed to decide whether to give it to him.

And you want my advice?

Why me? Why now?

Because I know you think I was a shitty father.

Thank you for not arguing.

And I know you're a good father, so, tell me, what would you do?

You got that kind of money?

I got it, but it's gonna hurt.

I wanted to retire next year. This'll put that off for a while, a long while.

I never should've had four.

You know, when you were two years old, we thought you had polio.

You know about that?

Yeah, Mom once said something. Yeah, well, for a week, we didn't know.

I hated you for that.

What? I did.

I did. I hated having to go through that.

The caring, the worrying, the pain, that's not for me.

You know, it's not like that all ends when you're 18 or 21 or 41 or 61.

It never, never ends.

It's like your Aunt Edna's ass.

It goes on forever, and it's just as frightening.

It's true.

There is no end zone.

You never cross the goal line, spike the ball and do your touchdown dance.


I'm 64, Larry, 27,

and he's still my son,

like Kevin is your son.

Do you think I want him to get hurt?

He's my son.

Come on.

Oh, I'm all right. I'll figure it out.


Who's to say who's a shitty father?

Kevin's in therapy.

We got called to school last year because Taylor was kissing all the boys.

Justin keeps ramming things with his head.

My career is in the shithouse.

You worry too much.

You always did.

Okay, let's go. Let's get them.

Let's get this one. Come on, you can do it!

We only need one more out! Can't you even field a ground ball?

Matt, I'm not gonna warn you again. One more comment, and you're out of there.

I don't care what happens. What are you yelling at him for?

He's the only player you've got.

Hey, Matt, we need one more out, son.

Wherever it's hit, you go for it!

It's the only chance you have to win!

All right, come on, now, don't blow it!

All right, no big deal. No big deal.

One more out. Come on, just relax. Play ball!

Relax and concentrate. Let's go!

One more. Let's go.

Oh, shit!

Get it, Matt!

He's out of there!

I'm gonna help you.

Oh, Dad.

Now, we see these gangsters.

We agree to pay them $1,000 a month.

They're businessmen. They'll see that something is better than nothing.

Then, Monday morning, 8:00 a.m., you come to work with me at my place.

I'm going to teach you the business.

Plumbing supplies.

And in a few years, I'll retire, and you'll take over.

Meanwhile, as long as you're working, and if you agree to go to Gamblers Anonymous, I'll keep paying your debt.

That's it.


Let me just add a wrinkle.

About an hour ago, I got a phone call from an associate in Chile.

Big opportunity. Platinum.

Now, why don't I just toddle off down there for a couple of months, see if it pans out?

If it does, great. If not, we put the Frank-Buckman plan into effect.

Sound good?



Oh, I could use a little...

2,000 enough?

Ample. Ample.

Well, better pack.

What about Cool? Huh?

Oh, Jesus, that's a tough one.

This is not really the kind of trip that...

Listen, how about if...

Don't worry about it.

My dad's going away?


He's leaving right away?


Is he ever coming back?


Would you like to stay here with us?



Good morning, Mrs. Huffner. Hi, Michelle.

Susan, I need to talk to you.

Not now, Nathan, I have a class.

I want you to come home. This is very bad for Patty.

She can't concentrate.

I gotta go.

No, wait. No, let me go.

Listen to me. It's bad for me, too.

I love you, Susan.

Those are words. They don't solve anything.

I can compromise. I can change.

Nathan, I don't think you're capable of change.

Okay, come on, we're way behind because of yesterday's bomb threat, so let's get going.

Why do birds suddenly appear Every time you are near?

Just like me They long to be Close to you Nathan, please, I'll lose my job.

Why do stars twinkle in the sky Every time you walk by?

Just like me They long to be Close to you Nathan, we're trying so hard to keep these kids off drugs.

On the day that you were born The angels got together And decided to create a dream come true This was the song from our wedding.

So they sprinkled moon dust in your hair And golden sunlight in your eyes so blue It's a wedding kind of a song.

That is why all the guys in town Guys in town Follow you Follow you All around All around Just like me They long to be Close to you

Close to you Nathan, you're crazy.

Close to you Susan, I love you. Please come home.

We have a great start.

The Plymouth missile, Rick Carsmith, right in the far lane.

Five-fourteen, left car...

How's it look? ...let's hear it for Popper Jay.

Looking hot.

Looking damn hot!

Mom? Mom, hurry! He's over there. He's gonna kill himself.

Julie, I'm not his mother.

Please, Mommy. Please, I'm so scared.

Now, I'm "Mommy."

He's trying to prove something. I don't know.

Competing in the first round of the competition, the Eliminator, and on the grandstand lane, we have Theresa Vega.

The last few feet of the course is going to be very crowded.

Oh, God, he's already going.

In eight seconds, he's going to be a legend.

And challenging her on the power lane, newcomer Tod Higgins.

Great start! Vega with the home shot.

Higgins pulls ahead!

He hit the guardrail! He's out of control!

Oh, my God! Come on!

Tod? Tod?


Bring it around to the back of the track! Come on.

One, two, three! Let's get him out of here!

Back up. Back up. Give him some room. Give him some room. Back up.

Easy. Easy. Easy.

Did I win?

Oh, my God.

You okay? I'm all right.

Well, we'll get you to first aid to make sure, all right?

My brother's car. I killed the car.

We'll take care of it. Julie, come on, let's go.

Just get in. I can't.

What? I can't. This is too intense. This is...

This is marriage!

Now, let's get in the truck!

Come on, let's go.

Can you do that again next week? The crowd loved it.

Yeah, sure, that's a good job for me, crash dummy.

Stop that! You're very important. Yeah, why?

Why? Because you're gonna be the father of my grandchild. That's why.

I love you.

I love you, too.

I was so scared.

You, like, saved their marriage.

That was really cool.

Yeah, well, I give them six months, four if she cooks.

You don't think they're gonna make it?

Well, you know, honey, the odds aren't good.

Then why did you say all that?

Why did you try to keep them together?

Well, because Julie wants Tod.

Whatever you guys want, I want to get for you.

That's the best I can do.

I'm glad you're going out with Mr. Bowman.

Yeah, why?

Well, he's funny,

and he's the kind of guy that'd be nice to you.

Somebody should be nice to you.

I tell you, kid, I could stand that. Yeah.

Can we tape over Susan's wedding?

No. What are we supposed to tape over?

Mom, my ears are loose.

Oh, give me. I'll fix them. Oh, your pants are on backwards.

Go upstairs and turn them around, and tell Grandma we're leaving.

She's still playing Nintendo.

Do you know your lines? Daddy, I don't have any lines. I'm Dopey.

I'll say. Hey!

Kevin? Kevin, take Justin outside, and put him in his car seat.

I have to do everything. Come on, shrimp.


And I'm the one in therapy.

I'm not a shrimp.

I love you.

I love you, too.

No, I mean I really love you.

I love you, too.

Dave called. He was crying. He actually cried.

He said if I'd come back, they'd give me a corner office with new furniture and a raise, like that's supposed to make up for everything.

Anyway, I took the job. I couldn't think.

I was still high from the Little League game.

Isn't that demented, that a grown man's happiness depends on whether a nine-year-old catches a pop-up?

I mean, what if he missed? But he didn't.

But he could have. But he didn't.

But he could have. But he didn't, Gil!

You threw him 1 2 million pop-ups in the backyard.

You cut the odds considerably.

If he hadn't...

But there's three of them, and you wanna have four, and the fourth one could be Larry, and they're gonna do a lot of things.

I mean, baseball's the least of it.

And in all those things, sometimes they're going to miss.

Sometimes they won't. Sometimes they will.

What do you want me to give you, guarantees?

These are kids, not appliances. Life is messy.

I hate messy.

It's so messy.

You know, when I was 1 9, Grandpa took me on a roller coaster.


Up, down, up, down. Oh, what a ride.

What a great story.

I always wanted to go again.

You know, it was just interesting to me that a ride could make me so frightened, so scared, so sick, so excited and so thrilled, all together.

Some didn't like it.

They went on the merry-go-round.

That just goes around. Nothing.

I like the roller coaster. You get more out of it.

Well, I'll be seeing you in the car.

She's a very smart lady.

Come on, Taylor, your ears are ready.

Yeah, a minute ago, I was really confused about life, and then Grandma came in with her wonderful and affecting roller-coaster story, and now everything's great again.

I happen to like the roller coaster, okay?

As far as I'm concerned, your grandmother's brilliant.

Come on, Taylor. Come on, hurry up.

Yeah, if she's so brilliant, how come she's sitting in our neighbor's car?

It's good to be home. It sure is.

Somebody stole our dishes.

"They're not stolen. They're put away."

They're not stolen.

"They're not stolen. They're put away."

They're not stolen. They're put away.

What was that? It came from the bedroom.

It sounds like a monster. Someone should see what it is.

Not me! Not me!

Let Dopey do it. Let Dopey do it.

Yeah! No!

Come on, Dopey! Yeah!

Come on, Dopey! Come on, Dopey!

They're hurting my sister!

Hey, look, he's going. Get him! Get him!

Get him! Hang on, Taylor.

Justin! Justin! Taylor, I'm gonna save you!

Get away from my sister! Hey, stop!



No, Justin. Justin, no! Justin!

Oh, Justin.

Come back here. Come back here.

Please come back here, little one.

He's ruining the play! He's ruining the whole play!

I think that's the Buckmans' kid.

That's great!

You're doing great.

One more push, and the baby will be here. Bear down.

Bear down. - Push.

We're almost there, Mom. Come on, push. Push.

That's it. Great. You're doing great.

Push. Push. Come on, you're doing fine.

Push! Push! Good.

Okay, here we go now. Push. I can see the head.

Here comes the baby. Good. Here you go.

Here it is. It's a girl!

Good. Congratulations, Mom. She's beautiful.

You better get out in the lobby, Dad.

I think you've got about 1 00 relatives out there.

Dr. Ciccolini, Dr. Anthony Ciccolini, please call three-six.


It's a girl.

Helen's fine.

Yay, Mom!

Thank goodness!

That's great! Congratulations!