Patrick (2018) Script

I saw you.

You mean you were spying on me.

No. I was just passing.

Sarah, I work on the opposite side of town. How were you just passing?

Why can't you just tell me the truth?

The truth? Okay.

Are you sure? Yes. No. Erm...

I've met someone.

Someone? I thought I was your someone.

Listen, I just need some space, think about things.

But we've only just moved in.

Look, I'll come and collect my stuff when you've calmed down.

Calm? Oh, I am perfectly calm.

See?

Oh!


Bless you.


There you are, darling.


...this body who died...

Are you all right?

Yes, thanks.

I should think she's, you know, 20...

Yes.

It's getting a bit hot.

So young, wonderful.

This is delicious cake.

Looks it, too.

I think she's probably 33.

Where on Earth have you been? Sorry.

You missed the service.

Granny's friend Duncan had to do your reading.

He'd forgotten his glasses, so none of it made any sense at all.

Oh, I am so sorry.

Hi.

Sarah.

Have you got your dress on back to front?

Er. Yeah. It's very now.

Come and make yourself useful.

This lot are inhaling the tea.

Ugh! What's that doing here? It looks ridiculous.

Oh... It was on Granny's list of wishes.

Hmm.

At least he was on time.

Can you tell me where the loo is?

Yes, of course, dear.

Bonkers.

Dad.

Pudding.

Are you okay? Yes, darling.

To infinity and beyond. Auntie Sarah!

No, the loo's not that way.

Oh, this is where you're all hiding.

Should we really be watching telly, today of all days?

Come on, Caroline. It's so boring for them out there.

Anyway, it's nice for their single auntie to have an armful of niece and nephew.

Mummy said to Daddy that when you're really old, you'll be all on your own.

Erm, Zachary, would you mind just coming...

And when you die, all they'll find will be your skeleton and lots and lots of really fat cats.

May I have your attention, please?

Although my mother left a formal will, she also wanted me to read out a list of her personal wishes.

She would like the following people to go to her home and to choose an item to remind them of her.

Oh! Here goes.

Archibald, my accountant. Oh.

Angela...

Couldn't your chap get the day off work?

Ah. My chap and I are no more.

Oh, Sarah. Not another one.

What are we going to do with you?

You know me, love 'em and leave 'em.

Well, it's probably for the best. I wasn't very taken.

I wish people would say something at the time rather than waiting till the person's gone.

Well, I didn't want to interfere.

Hmm, that's a first.

Oh. Er, by the way, I got that job.

I start next term. Head of year 11 English.

Daneman Comprehensive.

Such a shame you dropped out of law school to go to teacher training.

Now your sister's a barrister. And a wife and a mother.

Don't we just know it?

And you...

Got all the good looks? Hmm.


That blasted dog.

Rupert, my hairdresser's friend.

Stop that.

Oh, my goodness.

And finally, um, to Sarah, I leave my most treasured possession...

Oh, Granfoos, how lovely. She always knew I loved that Faberge brooch.

My beloved Patrick.

What?

Are you sure? Yes. Yes.

She's bequeathed you Patrick, Patrick, her pug.

How sweet. No. No.

She's added, "They'll be very good for each other." Absolutely.

I don't know about you lot, but I rather fancy a whisky. - No, we won't.

We're a match made in hell. Dad.

Dad?

No, no, no, no. Other full lock. Other way.

That's it. That's it. That's it.

Come on back now. That's right. Come on back.

Excellent. Jolly good. And stop.

All right. I know what I'm doing. No, no, stop.

Stop! Stop! Just...

What was she thinking?

Can we have him?

No. Yes.

Why not? Your mother's allergic.

Yeah, if we ever did get a dog, it would have to be a cockapoo.

Can we get one of them, then? No.

Why not?

Because I have too much to do, and it'd be one more thing to worry about.

Complain about. What?

Nothing. Can't you have him?

Oh. No, darling, no.

Poor Snowy's gonna take weeks to recover.

If we ever find him. Hmm.

Please?

I'm sorry, pudding.

What was Granny thinking? She knows I live in a flat.

And, might I just add, the lease says "no pets."

The landlord would go ape.

And I start a new job in a week. I'm gonna be out all day.

And... And I don't like dogs.

I don't want a dog.

Can't one of you take him?

Oh, brilliant.

What?

Stop it.

Stop looking at me, okay? It wasn't my idea.

Bye. Bye.

Come on, little ones. Time to go.

Drive safely, darling.

Okay, you're really freaking me out now.

Can't you look out the window? It's nice.

There's a castle and everything.

Slow-cooked rabbit ragout?

£3.99?

People are so gullible. I bet it's all the same stuff.

Put it back.

Show me where you got it from.

Oh. Hang on. Sorry. That's not mine.

Don't know how that got in there.

I suspect a little person with an adorable squashed face put it in there so Mummy'd have some treats for later.

Well, he can have some of Mummy's not inconsiderable supply of chocolate instead.

Don't you know chocolate's poisonous for them?

Really? Oh, well. All the more for Mummy.

Okay, you're freaking me out now. Is it my driving or is...

Oh.

Stop.

Okay, don't draw attention to yourself.

Hi.

Rent's due Thursday.

Have a nice evening.

Right, first thing, we're getting out of this ridiculous outfit.

Secondly, I'm putting you up for grabs on Facebook and possibly Tinder.

I mean, God help us if any of the neighbors catch us.

I mean it, Patrick.

One grunt, growl or bark in the wrong place and we'll both be in Richmond Park eating rabbit ragout.

I know that sounds nice, but it won't be.


Patrick.

It's 6:00 in the morning.

Right.

Here we go.

Go on. Enjoy.

Come on. I thought you were desperate.

Now you're making me want to go.

Oh, my God! Erm... What are you doing here?

Oh, I'm sorry. I wasn't expecting company.

Ah. Another law-breaker, I see.

Well, you have to keep an eye out. You never know who might turn you in.

Name?

Sarah Jessica Rosemary Francis.

No, your dog.

Oh, Patrick.

He's not really my dog.

My grandmother left him to me.

I really need to find him a home.

You can't do that. He's a bequest.

You can't just pack him off to the first bidder.

I'm a teacher. I mean, I can't take him with me.

And I can't leave him here on his own.

Well, I'm sure you'll find a way.

Thanks.

What a good girl.

You haven't been here long.

Just moved in.

Here.

Oh. No, thanks. Not for you.

It's for the dog. You've got to pick up Patrick's poo.

Yes, right.

I'm Celia, and this is Wendy.

Erm. We'd better be off.

Yep. See you around.

Or not. Wink, wink.

Patrick, that's gross.

I knew this was a bad idea.

I told them. I told them it wouldn't work, but would they listen to me?

Honestly, one more thing and you're off to the pound. I have had it.

Ew! Oh...

Oh...

Oh, that is disgusting.

What is the matter with you?

I mean, it's all food.

If you were hungry, you would eat it.

I can't be doing...

Ugh!

Patrick.

Patrick? Patrick?

Patrick!

I've just changed that bed.

No. No.

I know Granny used to spoil you rotten.

But while you're here, you're under a new regime.

The fridge is out of bounds.

Not that I'm known for taking them, but a walk in the park may sharpen the old appetite.


With any luck, you'll wear yourself out.

Patrick, heel.

Patrick.

Heel. Heel.

Patrick.

Patrick.

Get that thing under control.

Sorry. Patrick. What are you doing?

Patrick.

Patrick. Come here.

Patrick, I mean it. I mean it, Patrick. Come here.

Oh, God. Patrick!

Come. Good boy.

Okay. Stay. Good boy. Stay. Good boy.

Stop!

Oh, no!

Why, Grandma? Why?

I came to see you whenever I could.

I never interrupted, even though I'd heard your stories 20 times.

What did I do wrong?


Yours by any chance?

Sort of. Oh, wretched dog.

Thanks for catching him. That's okay.

Oh, God. What a disaster.

I've been landed with my grandmother's pug.

I don't even want a dog. I hate dogs.

You don't hate dogs.

No. Maybe I just hate this one.

How long have you got him for?

Er, I don't know. He's nine and in annoyingly good health.

Maybe five years, then, if you're lucky.

Five years?

I'd get less for armed robbery.

Oh, it's just teething problems.

You just need to get to know each other, form an understanding. It's like any relationship.

Really?

He'll be expecting me to pick up his underpants in a few weeks' time.

Well, you'll get to trust each other and, well, you'll wonder how you ever lived without him.

You and I have very different relationship experiences.

But I could give it a go.

Don't give up on him too easily.

He's quite a cute little fella, really.

Ooh.

Can I give you a hand back to the car park?

Thank you. I might give it a minute or two.

In case the other walkers stone me before I get back to the car.

Keep him on the lead for the time being.

He's a man. He responds to clear instruction.

Oh. I will. Thank you.

Well, see you around?

Yeah.

Most dogs bring back a rabbit. Well done, Patrick.

"In a few weeks' time, he'll be expecting me to pick up his underpants."

No, Patrick.

Not on the furniture, okay?

It's part of the new regime.

First day of school tomorrow.

I want you to stay here and entertain yourself until I get back, okay?

And wish me luck.

Oh.

Thanks for the support.

No.

No, no, no, no.

No, no, no, no, no.

My first day and I'm late.

Ooh.

Okay, I'm coming, but be quick.

Oh!

Patrick, what have you eaten?

Oh, God.

Oh, that is disgusting.

Oh, God. Oh, God.

Well, glad it's coming out of both ends.

No. No.

No, no, Patrick.

Oh, no.

Patrick.

Patrick, that's it. Come here. Come on. Come along.

Come on. Good boy. Patrick, come on.

Good boy. Come on. Patrick.

Patrick. Patrick.

Good boy. Yeah, good boy. Come on.

What's this? Come on. Come on, Patrick.

Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes.

Come on.

Patrick!

Patrick, get here right now.

Patrick, I am really very angry!

And if you don't get here right now, I am gonna lose my job on my first day...

And I'm gonna have to live in a cardboard box under a bridge and no one's ever gonna love me, and my life is gonna be over.

Gotcha.

Now, I'll be back at 4: 30.

Please don't touch anything while I'm gone.

And run.


Sorry, excuse me.

Excuse me, off. Off, please.

Good morning!

Okay.

Always works. Good morning. Please take your seats.

I'm Miss Francis, your new English teacher.

Okay. If you could just introduce yourselves to me, please.

Okay. And how do you spell that?

She was all I could get at such short notice.

Well, I'm betting you'll have disciplinary problems with Miss Francis.

Oh. Ah! Well, welcome.

Thank you.

Hi. Don't think we've met. I'm Sarah Francis.

I major in discipline.

Okay, right. Well, I'll catch you later.

Big mistake. Huge mistake.


Hi. You must be Sarah, the new girl.

Hi. Yeah. I'm Becky. Come on.

Don't let this lot put you off.

If you'll excuse me.

Don't mind old Peters. He doesn't like change.

Or English teachers. Or blondes.

Budge up, Maureen. This is Sarah.

Hello. She teaches year 11 English.

Would you like a rock cake?

Oh. Thanks.

Your class made those. Ah.

Yep. Clue's in the name.

Let's hope their English is a bit better.

I bet you're wondering what I teach.

Ah. Let me guess. Economics?

Close. I'm one of the games teachers.

Thought so. It's all the Lycra.

And I'm organizing a fun run for charity.

Oh? And I was wondering if maybe you could persuade your class to run?

And how would I do that?

By entering yourself.

Oh.

Oh, I'm really sorry. I'm not a runner, never have been.

I'm the same with swimming. I do all the right actions, I just don't go anywhere.

Anyway, just had huge difficulty trying to persuade my class to read page one of Jane Eyre, so, I don't fancy my chances with a fun run.

It's only five kilometers.

That's miles. I mean, that's practically a marathon.

No, it's not.

You go through the park, up the hill and then back into school.

So... Did you just say up the hill?

I hope you know that when people say no to me, I treat that as start of negotiations.

Well, I think you've met your match here.

Oh.

Oh. Doesn't matter.

Yeah, sorry. Thanks.

It's all right. I'll find someone with good teeth.

Yeah.

Would you like another cake?


Darling, I'm home.

Oh, no.

You, mate, are ruining my life.

It was hard enough without you, but with you, it's impossible.

Well, you can't do that again.

Do come in.

Every time a stray animal wandered by, he screamed the place down.

I fear there's going to be a letter.

Can I get you a tea?

No. And I suggest you take him for a walk.

That's what you do when you leave a dog all day.

Yeah, of course. I was just about to.

Look, I will get something sorted, but could you have him tomorrow?

No. Just for tomorrow.

No, he's so badly behaved.

But he'd be so much better with company.

You'd be really helping me out.

Just see how it goes? Please? Please.

Well, just for tomorrow, but you have to sort yourself out.

Don't worry, I will. Thank you, Celia. Thank you.

I owe you. Yes, you do.

If you don't behave tomorrow, you really are going to the dog home.

Coming.

Hi. I'm really not sure about this.

Wendy and I lead a very quiet life.

Oh, it's just for today. And Patrick is very well behaved.

My granny was very strict.

She was with us, at least.

I'll be back at 4:30.

Now, say thank you and offer to do the washing-up.

Come on.

Mummy's abandoning you.

In you come.

Jane Eyre, the protagonist.

Thank you.

It's never the dog. It's always the owner.

There's a fight over there.

Oh. Oh. Get off. Stop it.

You should be ashamed of yourselves.

Oh, no.

What have you done? Oh, my darling.

I always knew you were a little strange Never again. Oh. I'm sorry.

Here's his collar. Right.

Goodbye. I'm really sorry.

Hi. Hi.

Oh. Oh.

Sorry. Sorry, no.

Oh, God. Ooh, ha.

Sorry. Sorry.

It's bound to be our fault. Yeah.

Be announcing our engagement soon.

He's cute.

Cute? Stick around.

Can I just ask, when you got a dog, what were you thinking?

I like 'em. Bit of companionship. Keep myself fit.

Moments like this. Walking, contemplating.

Yeah, so you never wanna grab it by the throat and march it off to the pound?

What's he destroyed?

Oh. Erm, my life.

Wow. Impressive.

How long have you had him?

Too long. It was a bequest from my grandmother.

I was hoping for the microwave at least.

Maybe she had her reasons for leaving him with you.

She was 92. I'm not sure reasoning was her strong point.

Well, I think you should stick with it.

Why?

I dunno. How else would you get to play Twister in a park with a complete stranger?

Hmm. I'm Ben, by the way.

Oh, Sarah. Hi.

Er, this is Scout.

To Kill a Mockingbird.

Er. Precisely.

Ah.

Well, nice meeting you. Nice to meet you, too.

Come on, Scout. Come on.

Hmm. I have to hand it to you, you are quite the babe magnet.

Oh, all right, come on.

This is just for tonight, though.

Oh, Patrick, what am I gonna do with you?

Don't worry, I'll think of something.

Right, okay.

Can I, er... Can I help you?

Hi. Er, I'm Sarah Francis, the new English teacher.

I was wondering if you and I could come to an arrangement.

What do you want?

Could you take this dog? Just for today.

No.

I'll give you £10.

£40. What?

He's just gonna be sitting in your room all day, and maybe you'd take him out at lunchtime.

That's £50. What?

Now it's £60.

How about we have a sleepover and a bit of shopping after school?

Yeah.

It'll be okay. Miss is here.

You okay? Yeah.

Don't help me.

It's erm, it's Vikki, isn't it?

I've only been here a week and I feel like crying as well.

Do you wanna talk about it?

No, you're all right.

Bonding with the students already? How modern.

I saw that.

I ask again, what is it about Mr. Rochester that makes him so perfect for Jane Eyre?

Why can't she get over him?

His tight trousers?

What is it with you guys? Why are you determined not to focus on your set books?

These are your GCSEs.

It's boring.

Right.

That... No. Oi.

Miss, I was looking at what Jane Eyre looked like.

Charlotte hasn't provided pictures.

Right, okay, let's try this.

Jane's parents bite the big one. Dead, gone, okay?

Jane is packed off to live with her aunt, Mrs. Reed, in the country, who is a right old bag.

And then she pulls a blinder, locks her in a room with her dead uncle's ghost.

Ooh!

Yeah.

Come in.

Here's your dog.

Look, can we talk about this at lunchtime?

This little dog ate my lunch.

Ooh!

I'll go out at break time and I'll buy you a sandwich.

And a packet of crisps and a Snickers.

A Snickers?

That is just what I need.

What's the matter, miss?

Chocolate's poisonous for dogs.

Oh, be sick. Please be sick.

Mikey, find the nearest vet.

Well, I was unblocking the girls' toilets.

The nearest vet's on the main road, 425.

Okay, phone them and tell them what's happened.

Yeah, yeah, miss, go now, quick. Quick. It's gonna get sick.

Look, we'll read chapter one until the bell goes.

Thank you, Vikki.

Quick, quick, quick. That's it.

Pack it in, you lot.

Do you wanna be a teacher? Go on then, be a teacher.

It's not good enough, Diana. You must do better.

You've known about this for at least two weeks.

Miss Francis, is that a dog under your arm?

Uh...

Yes.

As you well know, pets are not allowed in school.

May I ask where you're taking this dog?

Uh...

To the biology lab for an experiment.

Run out of frogs, have they?

He's just eaten a chocolate bar.

I need to take him to the vet's.

And who, may I ask, is looking after your class while you perform this important task?

I've left Vikki Andrews in charge. They're reading.

Really? Yes.

Vikki is a very sensible young woman.

Sorry, what is the matter?

Why have you taken against me?

I haven't taken against you.

Yes, you have.

Ever since I first arrived, you've been horrible to me.

I mean, what have I done to you?

Right, to be honest...

Yes, be honest.

Actually, not too honest, but go ahead.

I like a teacher who can discipline a class, get them focused and learning.

Your type just wants to be friends with them, and with that class, in this school, that won't work.

My type? You don't know anything about me or my teaching methods.

I suggest you go down to my classroom right now and see just how responsible and focused my students can be.

Now, I'm going to the vet's. I'll be back at lunchtime.

Make sure you are.

I just said I will be.

Tosser.

I heard that.

You were meant to.

Hmm...

Two minutes.

Now, remember, the record's three minutes and five seconds.

Okay. Thank you.

Patrick Francis.

Oh.

Oh. I see. You call the dog's name. Aw. That's cute. Um...

Er, yeah, Patrick Francis here.

Come on through.

How is the little deer hunter?

He's given that up now. He's now the chocolate eater.

You do know that chocolate is...

Poisonous, yeah. It was a mistake.

So how's it going?

Er, in general or with Patrick?

Let's start with Patrick.

Oh. Er... Well, he eats everything except the food I put down for him.

Erm... I'm running out of people to watch him while I'm at work.

And I'm expecting the inevitable eviction notice from my flat I've just moved into because they have a strict "no pets" policy.

Otherwise, great.

Well, I don't think it's enough to do him any harm.

I could pump his stomach out, but I don't think you'd thank me for it, would you?

Just make sure he has plenty of water.

Thanks. Say thank you, Patrick.

Thank you.

My pleasure.

Okay.

Hit me with the damage.

He hasn't charged you.

You've just gotta let him know how Patrick's doing and when you've got a night free for dinner.

Oh. Right.

Well, that's strange.

It's not how I usually do business.

So do I pay for the meal? Is that how this works?

I don't know. Okay. Um, bye.

Okay. Bye. Bye. Bye.

Muffin Bigwood.

That's cool. Yeah.

And then he put it on the computer and sent it through to the girl on the desk.

Like something out of a novel.

Oh. There you go. Call me a little bit old-fashioned, but isn't that the tiniest bit creepy?

Well, I always meet mine off dating websites, so that seems relatively sane to me.

Ah. Miss Francis, how did the trip to the vet go?

Oh. Better than expected, thanks.

What are you ladies finding so funny?

Oh, nothing.

Eclair?

No, thank you, Maureen.

John? Oh. Thank you.

Well done.

By the way, Miss Francis, are you aware you are now the only member of staff who is not taking part in the fun run?

What?

I'm afraid Mrs. Phillips will take a rather dim view of our newest teacher not partaking in school activities.

Er, well, that's where you're wrong.

Sarah signed up to the fun run just this morning.

Yes, she's running on behalf of her favorite charity.

Er... Er... The Pug Rescue...

Society. Hmm.

Oh. Well, that's all right, then.

What have you done? I can't run five kilometers.

I'm sorry. I just can't bear it when he crows over us like that.

Oh, this is awful.

Are you doing it, Maureen?

Er, I'm exempt. How are you exempt?

Asthma.

Becky, why couldn't you have given me some sort of fictional complaint?

I'm sorry. It was the first thing that came to my head.

Will you have another eclair?

Yeah. Oh. I can't now. I've gotta run 5K.

Oh, go on. Go on.

Heaven.

Year 11 remedial's attempt at choux. I think I'll have to.

I shouldn't.

Whoo. Here we go.

I can't do this.

I really can't do this. I faint if I have to run for the bus.

Well, I'm sorry, but I think you're gonna have to.

If I'm doing this...

You're doing this too.

Come on, Francis.

Can't we go shopping? You like shopping, don't you, Becky?

Come on. Oh, my God.

Oi, Dobbin, can you slow down for just a minute, please?

No pain, no gain.

I'm gonna kill you in a minute. I'm just giving you fair warning.

Ha. Trust me, you'll thank me for it one day.

A lot of words are coming to mind and "thank" ain't one of 'em.

Oh, God. Oh...

Morning, Sarah.

Morning.

So, Jane's getting ready for her big day.

She's got the dress, the cake's booked, the bridesmaids are all getting their fake tans.

And then suddenly, some bloke breaks up the party by announcing that Mr. Rochester is already married.

Plot twist. Turns out his wife is locked up in the attic. Weird.

So Mr. Rochester says, "Sorry, we can't be husband and wife.

"But how about you stay on as a sort of unofficial Mrs. Rochester?"

Like Spike's dad.

Oh. Shut up.

Jane loves him, so what does she do?

Vikki?

Jane flees because she believes in a sense of morality.

You know, he's taken his vows and even though it would break her heart, she can't hook up with a married guy.

So why is marriage so important to Jane?

Why are her principles more important than love?

Why is marriage everything?

Well, it's not, though, is it? It doesn't bloody matter.

Er...

It's not your fault, miss. I'll go fetch her.

Okay. Erm... We'll just carry on. Er, hands up.

Patrick? Hand up?


We're being evicted. What?

I think he's found out about Wendy. I can't believe it.

Oh... Oh, come in.

I've nowhere to go.

I've been here for years. All my friends are here.

What am I going to do?

This is our fault.

I'll tell the landlord that it's Patrick who's the nuisance.

Then you and Wendy can go back to normal.

Oh, thank you, Sarah.

I'm having trouble re-homing him anyway.

No one wants an older dog, including me.

We'll find somewhere else to live.

Where will you go?

Well, there's always a park bench.

Getting quite fond of that park.

Oh, no.

Oh, I'm joking.

Oh.

Come on. Hiya.

Are you coming or going?

Oh. Just going.

Oh, no.

Oh, God.

Oh...

God, if it can go wrong with this dog, it will.

Oh, I've got loads of marking to do.

Hold on.

You...

Ah.

Oh.

This is what you get from a misspent youth.

Sorry. It's... I've... It's open.

Ah. Thanks.

Thank you. No worries.

Do you think this is a bit too dressy?

No, I think it really suits you.

I just don't wanna look like I've tried too hard.

Why don't you try that on with it? Make you look really funky.

Hmm. Do I wanna look funky?

Maybe he prefers studious.

Well, have you got any glasses? No.

Put the jacket on, then. Okay.

Yes. Yeah. I like.

One cool chick.

Where are you going, anyway?

Ooh, that place by the bridge.

Nice. Expensive. Is he paying?

I really hope so. I'm now officially homeless, since Patrick has made it his mission to alert the landlord to the "no pets" policy.

Do you know, I might be able to help you here.

Really?

My brother wants to rent out his place while he's working abroad.

He only needs to cover the costs. Are you interested?

Interested?

Great. Yes.

Ooh. These? Yeah. Get 'em on.

These ones?

Hi. It's a table for two. I think it's under Oliver.

Yes. Yeah.

Please, ma'am, this way. Thank you.

Oh, can I just take your coat...

Oh, no. Sorry. It's part of the thing. Sorry.

My mistake. Sorry. Whoops.

Thanks. Here is your table.

Thank you. I'll be back.


Sorry.

That's okay.

Honestly. I'm sorry.

Don't. Don't worry. I've been practicing my origami.

Your what?

Never mind. Were you saving a life?

Sorry?

You know, get me a bag of plasma and pass the forceps.

Oh, no. I was just watching Game of Thrones and lost track of time.

Oh. Hey.

Have you chosen, sir? Yeah, I'll have my usual, please.

Of course.

Wow. Never been out with a guy who has a usual before.

What's your usual?

Well, it's Churrasco de Lomo. Side of chips. Washed down by a good Malbec.

Mmm. Sounds good.

Yeah. I was gonna have a steak.

Oh. It is a steak.

Oh, right. I'll have the same, please.

Rare, please.

Well done.

She'll have hers rare as well.

Of course. Trust me.

Okay.

Yeah, I've always loved the sciences.

I got an A star in chemistry, biology and physics.

Could have done anything I wanted to, really.

But my father and brothers are doctors and he wanted me to do the same.

Yeah, but I rebelled, became a vet.

Not much of a rebellion, though, is it? I earn more than my brother.

Well, we don't do what we do for the money, though, do we?

We do it to make a difference.

Do you know you have to study a year longer than a doctor

'cause your patient can't tell you where it hurts?

Mind you, have you ever had a Doberman sink its teeth into your arm?

Hmm...

I think he was trying to tell me something.

Anyway, enough about me. Tell me about you.

Tell me about Sarah Francis.

Anything for dessert?

Sarah? Pudding or slice of cheese?

No. No, I'm good.

Okay. Well, we'll have the bill, please.

Okay. I'll be back. Thank you.

Happy to go halves?

Mmm... Yeah.

Then can I walk you home?

Okay, thanks.

Great.

Oh. You could give your patient the once over.

Well, I kind of have this unwritten rule thing where I don't see my dates' pets for free, no matter how pretty the girl is.

Ah.

The other thing I'm good at is sport.

This physique is entirely natural. I really don't have to work at it.

Wow. Amazing. Mmm.

Actually, Oliver, can we get coffee another time? I'm just a bit tired.

Are you sure?

Yeah, and I've had a nice evening. I just wanna go home.

Well, how are you fixed for next week?

Ah... I'm not sure. I'm a bit busy.

Have... Have I done something wrong?

Er... The truth?

Seriously, you... You don't wanna see me again?

No.

Okay, you asked me out, er, you were late, and, I mean, late, and then you talked nonstop about yourself and then when I had the temerity to suggest that you might wanna take a peek at your patient, you said it's against the rules.

But the steak was good, wasn't it?

And why go home to an empty flat?

Thanks, Oliver, but no thanks.

Oh, and, um, for your information, I'm not going home to an empty flat.


Oh, hello.

Hi. What are you doing out here on your own?

"Marshall Close. Max."

Oh, I know where you live.

Shall we go and see if anyone's at home?

Yeah? Okay, come on.

Come on. Good boy. Come on.

What? Eh?

Hello?

Hello, boy. Where have you been?

I wish you could... Sorry. The door was open.

Hi.

Oh. You forgot your way home, did you?

Ooh! That looks nasty.

You're getting just like me.

I've checked everywhere I can think of, although, stupidly, forgot to check just there.

What are you doing here?

Oh, I've known Albert for years.

Yeah. If it wasn't for Ben, I should still be lying on that towpath.

Did you have a fall?

No, no, I usually walk about with fish fingers on me head. Ben, stick 'em in the freezer, will you? I'll have 'em for me tea tomorrow.

Good boy. Good boy. You sit.

You had me worried sick, you did. I didn't know where you'd gone.

And a chocolate digestive wouldn't go amiss!

Call yourselves a rescue committee? Huh.

You're welcome.

Must have blacked out.

Stubborn old bugger refuses to go to the hospital.

You look nice.

Night out with the girls?

No. I wish.

I think he's given himself quite a scare.

Worst part was losing Max.

Hmm.

Did you have a nice time?

Not really.

I keep telling him he needs to get himself a scooter.

I can't afford one.

At least there's nothing wrong with his hearing.

Where's his wife?

Er, she died last year.

Hmm.

Been married 50 years. Wow.

Fifty years. Don't think I'd last a weekend.

Where's the flaming tea?

Make that a day. Hmm.

Sorry.


You really wanna stretch out the muscles before you start, all right?

Otherwise, you'll end up pulling something.

Cor, talking of which...

Hello. Hello.

Have a nice day.

Oh.

I don't usually put them off that quickly.

They're usually quite keen until they see my soft toy collection.

No, it wasn't you. It was me. That was the vet.

What?

Oh. You've dropped your wallet.

Right, come on. This isn't gonna get you ready for the 5K.

On your feet, Francis.

Come on.

Well?

What do you think?

Huh?

Not in a million years am I ever gonna make five kilometers is what I think.

No. Of this.

Well, it's my brother's, and he's away working for at least two years, and I thought it would be perfect for you and Patrick.

It's not that expensive. I...

I thought it'd be nice.

Oh.

Oh, Becky.

Becky, it's wonderful.

Oh, thank you.

Thank you. I love it. I just love it.

You're welcome. Oh!

Oh, my God. Oh, my God.

Oh, my gosh. Look.

Oh, Patrick, look at it.

Guys, come on. Seriously. I am turning it.

You've brought the wrong tools. Okay.

What is going on here?

Nothing. Nothing.

Ah. It doesn't look like nothing to me.

This is my dad's car. It needs, erm...

New tires. It needs... New tires, new wheels.

It's funny, 'cause I don't see your dad anywhere 'round here.

But don't worry, I've gotta go.

I'll... I'll call your dad when I get into school.

You don't need to call anyone. Please, don't call anyone.

No? No.

No. No.

So I ask you again, gentlemen, what is going on here?

We're stealing the wheels, miss.

What else am I gonna say?

How do you even know how to do something like that?

Watched a couple of videos. Yeah.

His brother showed him. Yeah.

Right, where's your brother?

Doesn't matter. He's in juvie, miss.

Ah. Shut up, Spike. I'm sorry.

Sorry, man.

Okay, look, I'm not gonna tell anyone about this, okay? But if I hear or catch any of you doing something like this again, I will happily call the police.

Whoa, whoa, whoa. Whoa, whoa. Where are you going?

Sorry. You're not getting away with this scot-free.

Miss, I've got to...

It'll be my third detention this week. I'll get in so much trouble.

Ooh, no, no. It's way worse than detention, Spike, okay?

This is the Miss Francis community service, okay?

You are all gonna sign up for the fun run.

Aw, miss! And get £20 sponsorship.

No arguments. And... And you're gonna start your training now.

How?

You can run along.

Go on. They've got to be eaten.

They've actually got to be...

Maureen, these cupcakes are gorgeous.

Aren't they good? Yes, I know.

Let me try one. Er, no.

Not until you've finished the run.

Ah, that's so unfair. No.

Cupcake?

Thank you.

Oh, it's not a term of endearment. I'm offering you a cupcake.

No, thank you, Maureen.

My class and I are off for a jog in the park in preparation for the run.

Head teacher's very impressed with the turnout.

Such a shame your class aren't as keen, Miss Francis.

Ah, well, that's where you're wrong, Mr. Peters.

All the boys in my class have now signed up and some of the girls are showing interest too.

What on Earth did you threaten them with? Nothing.

They're doing it 'cause they want to be my friends.

You want to be careful, you know.

I hear he's next in line for the headmaster when Phillips retires.

Well, I'm sorry. He started it.

Yeah. But we want you to stay.

Yes, we do, we do. So do I.

Cupcake.

No. Maureen, stop it.

Why is it my stuff that had to go into storage?

Hmm?


So what is it about Victorian England that makes Mrs. Rochester so unacceptable to society?

Yes?


Come on, you lazy... Oops!

Sarah?

No.

Wait.

No. Oh, my God.

Oh, my God. It's so cute.

Come in. Come in. There you go.

Thank you. Thank you.

Do I get one of these or is it just...

No, you risk your life, I'm afraid.

I'm destined to drown.

Carly Williams?

Present.

Michael Azikiwe?

Yeah.

Vikki Andrews?

Vikki?

Does anyone know where Vikki is?

Come on.

Spit it out. We've got an English GCSE to accomplish by lunchtime.

Erm, Vikki's mum and dad have been having problems.

She's not really handling it.

Tariq, that's private.

Sorry.

Is she in trouble, miss?

Not if I can help it.

Er, my nan's got dodgy knees.

I was wondering, can I be excused too?

Nice try. Right, turn over your papers.

You have 90 minutes. Begin.

Hey, it's Vikki.

Leave a message and I'll call you back.

Hello. Hi.

I'm Miss Francis, Vikki's English teacher.

Look, I tried to get her to that exam this morning.

I tell her how important it is.

But we're going through a few family problems.

Hmm. I'm so sorry to hear that.

Oh. My husband and I are splitting up.

You just love telling people, don't you?

She's, um, taking it quite badly.

My...

Am I in trouble?

Not with me. Do you wanna come for a walk with us?

Yeah, I'll just grab my coat.

Oh. I see you'll do something when she asks.

Yeah. She asks me nicely.

Ah...

See what I'm up against?

And she's decided she doesn't want to come and live with me and my boyfriend.

She wants to stay.

With her dad.

Oh...

We'll be right back.

Okay.

Look, I'm really sorry.

Vikki, you're good at English, okay? One of the best.

I predict a seven for you, no problem.

But the one thing you have to do is turn up for the exam.

It's just this whole thing at home.

I feel so crap all the time.

I didn't go 'cause I don't wanna mess up.

Okay. Can I tell you something you must keep to yourself?

Yeah. No one listens to me anyway.

Okay, well, I have an older sister and I have always lived in her shadow.

You know, she's got everything, she's achieved everything.

My mum never fails to let me know it.

But my granny gave me a really good bit of advice.

She said, "Just keep putting one foot in front of the other, "and in the end, it feels like walking."

So I've arranged for you to come in this Saturday and sit your English paper.

Are you serious?

You've done that for me?

Of course. You mustn't discuss your paper with anyone else.

Understood?

I will know if you've seen the questions before, okay? I'm weird like that.

I absolutely swear. Cross my heart and hope to die.

Don't go that far.

Right, we should get you back.

Come on, then.

You didn't have any plans this Saturday, did you?

No, I never do anything.

Hello?

Hello. Sarah?

Ben?

Is that you?

I disappoint again.

Peace offering?

Come on.

So, what brings you to the Boat People of Wetlandia?

I came because I've been thinking about what you said the other night.

And I hear you're doing a fun run.

Ah. Well, you're half right. I am running.

That's great. I'd love to sponsor you.

I take it you're doing it for a good cause?

Maybe the rehabilitation of hopelessly socially inadequate vets?

Something like that.

Of course, um, you're almost guaranteed not to have to pay as the likelihood of me finishing 5K is pretty slim.

Okay.

Oh!

Wow. Are you sure? That is very generous.

That's me.

Inadequate but generous.

I'm really gonna have to do this now, aren't I?

Afraid so.

Ugh. I've survived my first term.

You've more than survived. You've made a difference.

To who? To the kids.

What are you talking about?

Oh. Maureen.

Are you going on somewhere?

Eh... Oh. No, no. Someone told me it was fancy dress.

Well, I think you look fabulous.

I know.

Congratulations, Miss Francis.

You're not doing as badly as I predicted you would.

Oh. I feel damned by faint praise. Thank you, Mr. Peters.

I think.

Are you ready for the 5K run?

Getting there.

You're not really running for the Pug Rescue, are you?

Well, a dog's got something to do with it.

Wise arse.

I heard that.

Yeah, you were meant to.

Right.

Five, six. One missing.


Patrick!

Patrick?

Patrick, where are you?

Patrick?

Patrick!

Well, is he micro-chipped?

I don't know.

Oh, look, I'm sure we're gonna find him.

What are you basing that on exactly?

Well, he's such a lovely chap.

Look, why don't we split up, and then we'll report back here.

Right. Okay.

I'll get more help. Right, so...

Oh, sorry, sorry. That was my...

Sorry. I'm so sorry. The cakes!

I'm off to Pilates.

Oh. Hi.

Sarah. You get around.

Who is it?

Oh, I was looking for Vikki.

She's upstairs.

Hello, Miss Francis. I'll get her for you.

This is Ben, my husband.

I was gonna tell you. Oh.

Miss Francis is downstairs.

Er, no. I mean, why... Why would you tell me?

That's absolutely fine.

Okay, you're Vikki's dad. I should have known that.

Hey, Miss Francis.

What's up?

Hi. Erm. I've lost Patrick.

I was wondering if you could help me find him, if you're not too busy. Of course. I'll go and get my coat.

Can I help? No! I mean, no, it's fine. We'll be fine.

So, I'll see you around.

Let's go and find Patrick.

I was gonna tell you.

Oh. No, honestly, please. Why would you tell me?

That's weird, if anything, if you'd told me.

Bye. I mean, it's not even a thing.

Why would you think it's a thing when it's not even a thing?

I mean, stop talking to yourself. You sound completely mad.

Sorry? Nothing.


Oh, Granny, I'm so sorry.

Sarah, what have you done?

Happy birthday, Dad.

There, there, pudding.

He'll turn up.

Come on.

Don't tell Caroline I cried.

No, of course not.

Toffee, pudding? They're your favorite.

Oh. I won't.

I'm supposed to be running five kilometers tomorrow.

Why? Have you stolen something?

To be honest, I don't feel much like doing it anyway.

Why?

I'm missing Patrick.

Oh, Sarah.

He grunts and snores, but he's kind of growing on me.

I have that magic too.

Sounds like a perfect match to me.

Oh, shut up. Honestly, I'm not surprised you lost him.

Ah, now, that's not fair.

No. Sarah tries very hard.

Yes, and one day she's going to succeed.

Sorry, can you all stop being so patronizing, please?

Dad, is there anything to drink?

Of course, pudding. What would you like?

Anything that comes in a pint glass. Please.

Gin and tonic. Sounds great.

Second thoughts, hold the tonic.

I thought you were meant to be doing a fun run tomorrow.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm going to the kitchen to celebrate my dad's birthday.

Honestly, you can't say anything to her. She's so sensitive.

What?

Aw. Thank you.

Oh...


Sarah? Hello?

It's Ben.

Right, who's for Daddy's pancakes?

Me, me, me. Ooh, yes, please, Daddy.

Why did no one wake me?

I'm gonna be late for my run. I've got sponsors and everything.

I'm a sponsor and I don't mind.

You needed your sleep, darling.

Oh. This is important to me.

Are you sure that gin's out of your system?

Could you say something helpful for just once in your life?

What? What have I done?

What? What?

Has someone died in an accident?

Weird. Okay. Come on. Oh, God.

Oh...

I am actually gonna be exhausted before this stupid race even starts.

Ah... No!

You've missed it. They left 20 minutes ago.

Honestly, I can't get anything right. I am utterly useless.

Well, why aren't you running?

Pulled a hamstring.

Typical.

After all that crowing over me and you're not even running.

No.

We need to get these in the cars.

My sponsorship was gonna make an old man very happy, or at least a bit less miserable.

Oh, honestly, I could weep.

Miss Francis.

Sarah.

I could vouch for you starting.

I am Mrs. Phillips' deputy.

Oh, thank you. Erm...

Peregrine.

Like the falcon?

Yes.

Thank you, er, Peregrine.

Back behind the line, please.

As if that's gonna make a difference over five kilometers.

Well, we might as well do it properly.

Three, two, one. Waah!

What was that?

Mrs. Phillips had a klaxon.

Okay.

Let's do this thing.


Okay.

Come here, doggy.

Where are you going?

Are you okay?

Are you sure you're okay?

Yeah. Yeah. I'm fine.


Could I just make a safety note?

Please do not lean on the barriers.

We have had a number of incidents today.

And we also do have a lot...

Go on, Mikey. Go on.

And the winner is Michael Azikiwe.

I am so proud of you.

Well done. You've actually done it.

Awesome.

Oh, well done, Michael. Congratulations.

Oh, I didn't know you were a runner.

Why didn't you tell me you could run like that?

I don't know. Miss Francis made me do it.

Well, you make sure you thank Miss Francis.

You've got talent.

We have canceled the sponge-a-teacher game I'm afraid.

If people could be a little more...

Vikki! Vikki!

Hey-hey-Hey!

You did it, darling.

Well done.

Thanks, Dad.

I'm sorry I've been so difficult recently.

Oh... Don't worry.

It's been hard on all of us.

It'll be easier now Mum's gone.

It's better for her.

And you and me, we'll manage just fine.

Hi.

Oh, hi.

Little bit late, aren't we?

No, just early for next year.

I can run with you for a bit if you like.

Eases the pain to have someone to talk to.

Oh... I can't...

Miss Shaw!

Yes, Mrs. Phillips?

I've just... Oh.

I've, erm, I've just had a message from Mr. Peters.

Miss Francis is running.

She was late, but she did start.

Brilliant.

Can I borrow your loudhailer?

I'm just gonna...

Just... I'm just gonna take...

Maureen. Lovely baps.

Thank you.

I think you've got it from here.

Friends?

Friends.

Listen up, everybody.

My friend Sarah started the race 20 minutes after everyone else.

She's raised sponsorship of £1,000 to buy an old man a mobility scooter.

If anyone could just spare a little bit of time to cheer her home, please stay.

Please.

Don't leave. Please, come on.

Oh, ooh!

Oh, no. I don't think she's coming.

She will. Have some faith.

Oh, God.

If she had any sense, she'd have stopped for a cup of coffee and a cake.


Miss Francis! Miss Francis!

Miss Francis! Miss Francis!

Come on, Sarah. You can do it. Come on.

Come on, Sarah, keep going. Keep going. Go on.

Miss Francis! Miss Francis!

Oh. Come on, Sarah. You can do it.

Miss Francis! Miss Francis!

Miss, miss, no. Come on, you can do it.

Patrick?

Miss Francis! Miss Francis!

Miss Francis! Miss Francis!

Miss Francis! Miss Francis!

Miss Francis! Miss Francis!

Miss Francis! Miss Francis!


Well done. Well done.

Bravo. Well done.

Yes!

Wha...

I'm not dead.

Aw. Patrick.

My Patrick.


You passed. You all flipping passed.

And I got a five. And I got a four, miss.

And I even I got a three.

Spike. Yeah, yeah, it's all right. It's only a three.

I got an eight. Thank you for everything.

Any time.

There. Hi, Albert.

How's the new mobility scooter?

Yeah, yeah, not bad, yeah. Hello.

Yeah, it's a shame they didn't have it in green. Yeah.

Here, listen, er, when you finish your run, if you fancy a cup of tea, you know where we are. Oh, I'd love to.

Bring some biscuits. Will do.

And, er, bring him as well.

All right. Ta-ta.

See you.

Come on, then.

Hey!

Hungry?

Who's Mummy's special boy?

Yeah. Come on.


Patrick to set.

Has anyone seen Patrick?