People You May Know (2017) Script

Excuse me.


Ah! Here's my handsome giant.

It's finally happening.


This guy tricked me. He's gonna take me down the aisle, take me off the market. It's funny.

Oh, we have someone here we want you to meet.

Yeah. All you have to do is just Clooney charm the shit out of her and you're gold.

Or you could just be your charming self.

Oh, please. I Clooney charmed you the day we met.

What? What are you talking about?

I did. I gave you Gravity Clooney, with a little bit of Three Kings mixed in.

You never even saw it coming.

You never Cloonied anything. He was helpless.

I mean, a guy comes up to me at a bar and says that he thinks I'm hot.

That's super strange.

He's probably a serial killer, or, like, republican or something.

If I'm gonna meet a guy for the first time, I have to be able to Google him, like, a deep Goog.

And the results that are not just be, like, his Linkedin profile.

Like, I wanna know as much about him as digitally possible.

I wanna know his likes and his unlikes.

Don't you mean "dislikes"?

I wanna know if he takes selfies in the mirror.

'Cause if you don't do your research, the next thing you know you're gonna be swept off your feet and you end up back at his place, and you find out that he still listens to Kings of Leon.

I mean, I don't...

I'm not in social media at all... or whatever.

I'm in front of the screen so much with my job as it is.

What do you mean?

I mean, I don't see the point, I guess.

I talk to people that I wanna talk to, and when I wanna talk to 'em.

Well, how are you ever gonna meet someone?

Someday I wanna be able to tell my children that their mother and I were at the same place at the same time, and she was so beautiful that despite any fear or social awkwardness that I have on a regular basis, I had got up the courage to go across the room and say, "Hi, I'm Jed."

That's really sweet.

But in your fairytale scenario, you're completely basing it on one thing.


How superficial.

I mean, that's how Will and Dave met.

They met at this bar six years ago.

Spoiler alert. Those two met on Match.


Wait, what?

Seriously. Your mother and I, we think that marriage is this thing that the younger generations scoff at nowadays.

It's not cool to get married anymore.

It's cool to grow a beard, it's cool to sleep around.

It's cool to smoke a cigarette made of electricity.

What's cool, two people supporting each other, without question.

Love each other... without question.

Okay, I'm gonna stop before I get too emotional.

Just know that your mother and I couldn't be more proud to call you our sons.



I love you. I love you, too.

This is my favorite song from ninth grade.

Let's freak!

You know what makes me crazy?

I'm sorry. Can I say this?

You know what makes me nuts?

♪ The fact that We could be together ♪

♪ Here together Sharing our night ♪

♪ Spending our time ♪

♪ And you are gonna choose Someone else to be with ♪ It is fucked up how good were, Franky.

I mean, that... That was some Meryl shit.

Mm-hmm. If there was a Best Performance by an actress in a community theater production, you would win it.

And I hope that, you know, you would thank me in your acceptance speech, which you probably wouldn't, you ungrateful slut.

Thanks, Abby. I mean, I'm quitting.

I mean, who cares that I was on Xanadu on Broadway?

Right? I mean, what's the fucking point?

Hey, where's Phil?

He's at home, grading, uh, or something.

Mid-term's coming up, I think.


Not to be rude or anything, but what the fuck are you doing wasting your talents here?

I mean, no offense to the lovely locals.

I'm sure this place is like totally gorg during the day and all, but, shit, if you were back in the city, you would tear it up.

Thank you, but, this is...

You know, this is home now.

Speaking of, are you gonna follow me back to the house?

Oh, babes, I wish I could.

I'm sure your house is quaint as fuck.

But I have rehearsal in the village, so...

But hey, could you please come down and hang out with me some time?

We could go out, we could get drunk, you could crash at my place.

Hangover brunch in the morn.

You know, um...

It's hard to get away on weekends, so...



Whatever makes you comfy.



I really miss it.


Honey, I do, too.

I tell you every weekend, those poppy seed bagels from Black Seed...

Phew! No, I mean, it's... more than that. It's...

Every day was a new possibility, you know.

A chance for something to happen.

It's not the same here.

Right. But, let's not forget there is a lot that sucked about it.

And here we're finally on tenure.

We finally own.

And, yes, it's not our dream house totally, but... it's better than shelling out 3K a month for that shoe box we lived in, right?

Look. Can you see what I'm not doing?

Touching both walls at the same time.

It's a miracle.

I just think there's something really beautiful in knowing that we are completely selfless in making sure that our kids are gonna have the best life possible.



You're ovulating, right?

Oh, I'm cold.

Come to bed, hon.

I will in a minute.

Please stop wasting your time on Facebook.

Cool. Thank you.

Hey. Hey, how's it going?

Uh, small drip. Small drip?

Here you go. Thank you, Carl.

No problem, Jed.

Got a quad americano for Tasha.

You know how I take my coffee, but you don't even know my name.

Um, it's Tasha.

I'm sorry. It says in your cup, so I figured it's probably either "Tasha" or "Americano."

I'm Jed... Triplett.

Tasha. I don't know why I said the last name. Sorry.

Oh. Lorino.

You know, I think I've actually seen you in here before.

You're very courteous. Most people just take up this whole station.

You work around here? Yes.

I work at home, which is by choice.

Well, I'm actually a little late for a meeting.

But it was nice to officially meet you, Jed.

Yeah. And I'll shoot you a friend request, if I can figure out how.


I just signed up on social medias.

Wait, you just got on Facebook?

Yeah. Well, welcome to the future, Jed.


Hey, I'll be over here.

...because they're gonna lose their sponsorship deal with Hollywood Tan, if we don't bump the numbers.

We need a real yoga-girl level push here.

They just won't approve any of the content ideas we have.

We've suggested motion, activation, live Twitter Q&A.

All she does is take selfies.

Tasha, call the guy in China, buy 500,000 followers.

Oakley, we don't have to do that.

Aren't you tired of managing the digital lives of C-list YouTubers and DJs?

I wanna be posting for Gosling.

We should be creating campaigns for Weezy, Yeezy, Jigga.

Maybe we're doing it wrong.

Maybe instead of chasing clients who already have followings, we build it ourselves.

So what? Take someone like...

Kevin here and invest time, energy, resources, into growing his audience across all social media until he's seen as an influencer?

This Kevin?

Pepsi won't pay to see an Instagram of whatever garbage Kevin decides to eat that day.

Toyota isn't gonna shell out $10,000 for a vine of Kevin driving his trash car.

Yeah. I don't own a car, so...


Listen. You guys are all really sweet kids.

And your parents probably all really believe you made the right decision to not become doctors or lawyers, because the world is "different" now.

But unless you love sleeping in the room you grew up in, and watching The Voice with Grandma, we're gonna need better ideas than that.

Essential oil spritz?

Essential oil spritz?

Just remember... the line of over-confident clever millenials who think their opinion is the only one that matters is literally endless.

Hello. Hey, Jed.

It's Lucia from Condenast.

Oh, hi, Lucia. How are you?

Could be better, could be better.

Huge favor.

Our in-house guy botched the job, and you would be saving my ass again if you could pull this project off today.

Yeah, yeah. Okay, um...

Wait, I'm sending you the material right now.

I just need a standard six pack, blue eyes instead of green, and the junk needs to be bigger.

Okay, like, a lot bigger, or...

A lot.

Um, I can... I can do that.

I can mess around with this guy's junk, no problem.

Um, great. And you need it by...

What did you say you needed it by?

9:00 p.m.

Yeah, okay. All right. Well, I better do it now.

I can do that. Yeah, I can make that happen.

Talk soon, Jed.

You got it.

Hi. Thank you, thank you, thank you.

Honestly not a problem. Any time.

I'm calling you next week. All right.

Bye, Jed.

Okay, bye. Oh, also, Lucia, I mean, I don't know if you'd wanna, uh, grab a drink, or...




Are you swishing coconut oil again?


Lights before I go? Mm-hmm.

Good talk.

Hey. Hey, Carl.

Uh, drip with room. No.

I'm gonna have a latte today.

Look out, world, here comes Jed with a vanilla latte.

No, I'll do a... I'll just do a regular latte.

Hey, Jed.

Oh, hey, Tasha.

Sit down.

Shit, yeah, bro.


So... How's life online?



I guess.

I love that picture of you with Usher.

Oh, thanks.

Yeah. That, uh... That was a fun night.

When was that?

Spring 2014.

2014? Yeah.


Really, really nice work, Jed.

I mean, honestly you have some serious talent.

What are you talking about?

It's simple.

That picture was taken in April 2014, and that cardigan you're wearing is from the Banana Winter Collection... of 2015.

It's physically impossible for that moment to have ever happened.


Listen, Jed, I think it's brilliant.

You do? I'm not trying to expose your shit, or decimate your newfound digital life or anything like that.

I want to help you.

Help me with what?

I'm very confused.

I'm interested to see if I can take someone like you, someone living in the dark ages of social media, and grow their following into a significant place.


We already know that you're a gentleman.

You're obviously a gifted artist, and you're good looking, but not too good looking, so I really think people will identify with you.

Why don't I come over and you can show me how you do it?

Um... Loosen up.


Good? Got it.


Good job with the lighting.

Tasha, why are you interested in doing this with me?

Let me break something down for you, J.

Of the 7.2 billion people on Earth, three billion have Internet access.

2.1 billion are using social media right now.

You are a blank canvas.

We are measured by the amount of people who follow us.

Our relevancy is quantifiable.

Online currency is the new currency, and the sooner that we accept that, the sooner we're able to succeed.

Who am I more likely to date?

The guy who has 56,000 Twitter followers, or the guy whose avatar is still an egg?

I... It's simple.

You need to have an opinion, you need to keep it short, and you need to have it now.

You need to engage.

You need to stay ahead.

You know, people with power create trends, and usually those people are celebrities.

But I'm not interested in celebrities.

I'm interested in celebritization.

That's where you come in.

So, J, do you wanna stay an egg?

No, I hate eggs.

Good. Me, too.

Okay. So, I've been thinking about it, and you have a really nice start with your Facebook.

But females 25 and up are the core users, so there are really no character or asset limitations.

You can really feel free to open up and be yourself.

Show your sensitive side.

Twenty-three percent of Facebook users check their accounts five times per day, so you'll need to be updating consistently.

For the 18 to 49 age group, YouTube has a greater reach than any cable network.

So new video content will launch on our channel.

BuzzFeed, how may I help you?

Hey, can I have Gibson's desk, please?

This is Tasha Lorino. One moment, please.

Twitter, it's all about how you play it.

It's a total horse show, so own it.

This is what they sent us, and I mean, it's nice.

These are last three approves.

Yeah, absolutely.

We're just gonna rule that out entirely.

Pinterest, we can probably stay away from, because you're not a mom or an antique collector.

Facebook and Twitter dominate social media, but their mainstream status makes the younger generation feel like it's old school.


That's why we're gonna focus on Instagram.

Your pictures and videos should be younger skewing though, and you should link it to your Facebook for greater exposure.

Just please, please make sure that you stay on trend.

What about Snapchat?

Relax, we'll get there.

So, Jed, what do you think?

Should we text it to you?

So black? I think he agrees black.


You are gonna be the guy that every dude wants to hang with, and every girl wants to be with.

You know, last time I heard your voice, I had a migraine and the coke shit.

How's my favorite online publisher?

Did you know NBC bought it for 200 mil?

Can you believe it?

I'd be better though if we were grabbing a drink.

I can't wait.

But first I need a favor.

In addition to the three beds and bath upstairs, you also have a full bath off of the office downstairs.

You can always turn that into an additional room if you want.

The house was built in the '70s, but the kitchen was completely redone last year.

Oh. And... my favorite part of the house, the living room.

The natural light you get in here in the afternoon is absolutely gorgeous.

I mean, you just can't find anything like this in the city.

I mean, you just can't find anything like this in the city.


I mean, you just can't find anything like this in the city.

Hey, hope we're not too late for the open house.

No, no. Please, come in, take a look around.

Let me know if you have any questions.

Sweetie, you play here, okay? I'll be right back.

Are you a pirate?

No. Are you a ballerina?


All right. So what are you supposed to be?

I'm a pirina.

Okay. Well, I didn't know that was a thing.

It is to me.

My daddy says I can be whatever I want when I grow up.

Well, he's right.

And what do you want to be?

A therapist. What about you?

Well, I, um...

I'm a realtor.


Hey, we're sorry, but I don't think it's gonna work out for us.

Oh, okay.

Uh, have a good day.

All right. Adjusting to flaps here.

Flaps adjusted.

Thank you, Jed.

What's this one?

Don't touch that one.

Tower, please have a better friend prepared for me that likes doing more fun things.

Uh-huh. All right, Tower, why don't you put on a pot of coffee, French Roast for me.

Uh, we are coming in for a landing.

And this is better than a movie because...

Are you kidding me? Rifting is the future of entertainment.

Movies are dead, bud.

We are landing a stealth bomber together, as a team.

That's incredible.

We're a team, we're a virtual team.

You can't do that in the movie theater.

I mean, this headset makes everything better.

Do you jerk off with these?

Did you put it on autopilot?

It's just... We're coasting now. We're fine.

What happens when Dave is gone?

We have an understanding.

Virtual or not.

You understand?

Please don't tell me anymore.

Of course.

I may look at some pornographic material with these goggles...

Sometimes those goggles, too.

But as long as it's on the home page, then I'm okay.

I can't search for specifics.

Like DILF, ass to mouth, glory hole stuff... which used to be a fave of mine.

No more. "Ass to mouth"?

Don't tell. Don't even tell me.

I mean, I think you can just say it and understand it.

Oh, and if I remember any performer names, he'll leave me immediately.

Have you even cleaned these?

Look, it might sound unconventional, but our jerk off schedule is what forms the basis of our relationship.

Trust. Yeah.

Seems like you guys really got it right. Thank you.

Hey, I got invited to an event tomorrow.

I've got a plus one.

Ooh. I'm probably not gonna go.

An event, huh?

Is this... Is this the Tasha thing?

Yeah. Dude!

She has got your life looking so incredible right now.

I mean, I'm your closest friend, and you are not that exciting.

I'm bored right now and I'm in a stealth bomber.

Yeah, but how exciting is it gonna be when... every girl who googles me realizes I lied on the Internet?

Dude, the ideal girl is somebody who would just think that's hilarious.


I say go for it, man.

Have fun. This is good for you.


I mean, go to the party at least.

Well, are you gonna come with me or not?

I don't know. Dave's got this work... There's an open bar.

I'll be there for my best friend when he needs me.

So I'll be there with you, and Dave's just gonna have to understand that we are also independent.

We are connected by the heart, but separated by... when there's free alcohol involved.

Yeah. Yeah.

Oh! Oh! No, no, no!

Oh, we are going down, Jed.

We are going down. You gotta stay focused in this thing.

Everybody relax back there.

Buckle up. Put your head down between your legs.

Jed, you got one final chance.

No regrets. I need you to look me in my cold, digital glass eyes and tell me how you feel about me, okay?

I'm... I'm glad that...

You would gladly take it to the next level.

That's what I heard.

Hey, I just wanted to make sure you got the suit I sent over.

Um, and once you're dressed, take a selfie and 'gram it with the hashtags I just texted you.

This thing is gonna have a ton of influencers, so we have to play it right.

See you soon.

Okay, okay, okay, okay.

Franky! Oh, my God!


Why the hell am I waiting in this rape alley for you?

What are you doing?

Here. I stole this from catering.

Put it on. Seriously?

Yeah. Change. Tell them you are late for work, and I'll see your cute tush in there. Okay?

Wait. You said you could get me in.

I said I could get in.

Oh, my God.

Abby! Okay, Franky.

I know that little voice in your head is just telling you to turn around and go home.

But do me a favor, just ignore it tonight.

Babe, whatever happens, it'll be because it was meant to happen.


That's my girl.

Oh, no, no, no, no.

Hang on. No, no, no, no.

Wait, Abby. What are you doing?

No one wants to talk to someone they can't fuck.

Hurry up.

I'm freezing my tits off. Jesus!

Oh, look at that. Blond, coming in, pretty hot.

Why did you leave out the hashtags?

Excuse me?

I specifically wrote down the hashtags that you needed to include.

We don't get paid unless you use the hashtags.

How else do you think I got you $900 worth of free clothes?

I'm sorry. I didn't know.

You look lovely, by the way.

That's sweet. Thank you.

Oh, sorry. This is my best friend, Will.

Nice to meet you.

By the way, if anyone asks, you're in international finance.


I don't know anything about international finance.

Nobody does. That's why it's perfect.

I'm gonna go grab a drink.

Yeah, I wanna get some food.

Excuse me, ma'am, I got you a drink.

Franky Donegan.


How are you?

I'm good, how are you?


Thank you.

Wow, I have not seen you since high school.

Actually that's not true. We're Facebook friends.

We are?

Totally should have known that.

I, um...

So, um...

Can I just apologize?

For what?

For not dancing with you at prom?


I don't remember that at all.

Thank God. I felt horrible about that for a solid decade.

You're off the hook.

So how do you two know each other?

We were college roommates.

He walked in freshman year, had the entire DVD box set to Friday the 13th.

We've been best friends ever since.

He's a great guy.

Like, genuine.

I mean, look at him talking to this woman, right?

He doesn't have a chance in hell, He's gonna strike out.

But yet there he is, at that.

He's got a lot of heart.

And dick. He's got a big ass dick.

Like radius wise.

You know, it's perfectly shaped for anyone.

It morphs to shape your body.

Whoever, uh...

I'm his wingman.

How am I doing? Subtle.


Oh, thank you.

Got my... Oh, no. I'm good actually.

These are for me.


Uh, international finance.

That sounds interesting.


Yeah. It's...

It's boring. Super normal.

Um, don't even talk about it.


I'm actually here with a few friends.

Do you wanna...



Hi. I found these like that.

Thank you.

Franky, this is Will and Tasha.

Hi. Love your dress.

Thank you.

How do you guys know each other?

We went to high school together.

Oh, we went to college together.

Oh, cool. Yeah.


He's here. Who?


No shit.

Okay, just relax. There's no way he's seen the picture.

That picture's been liked over a million times.

Yo, Usher!

Will, come on! What?

It's Usher.


Just act like you know him. Oh, my God.

Jed, right?


Usher. What's up, man, how are you?

I'm good. How are you?

Oh, man. Cool. Listen.

I barely remember what happened in the casino that night, man.

I don't remember any of it.

I'm still hungover.

Anyway. You know what? Listen...

You mind taking this picture?

Yeah. Come on. All right.

I'm sober now.

There you go.


Dude, you were trending topic last time.

Just watch what happens this time.

"Hashtag before the madness, before the turner."

All right. What's your handle?


"Hashtag sober."

All right. Cool, man.

We should hang out.


Uh... Hey, man, put your number.


There you go. All right. Cool, man.

Nice to meet you. See ya, Usher.

Hey, let's do a quick dinner.

That's awesome. We're gonna hang out.

Let's do a quick photo maybe.

I'm Will...

What's your name?

Will. Okay.

We'll be back. Just snap away.

Just snap away.

All right.

All right, cool. Ooh, let's do a pano.

No, man. You don't wanna do a pano?

Why didn't you come to any of the reunions?

Why would I wanna hang out with people that made me feel insecure for four years?


Show them how wrong they were.

I don't wanna hang my self-worth on what other people think.

But I bet Oscar Williams was there.

I knew it.


How could I forget that my prom date danced with someone else the whole night?

Jed, I'm sorry, but let's be honest.

There was no way I was getting you on the dance floor.

Well, actually...

Nah, never mind.

What? No.

Now you have to tell me.

Okay, I can't believe I'm gonna tell you this, but...

Let's say that I spent a whole month taking dance classes after school to get ready.

Dance classes, like... swing?


Hip hop.

No! What? No!

I wanted to impress you.

This might be the greatest thing I've ever heard.

Oh, we were so close!

If we'd just had more time...

Hey, where... Where are you going?

I don't know. Let's find out.

You coming?

Welcome to Time Traveler's Adventure, Brooklyn's premier Escape Room.

All devices must be placed in the dropbox.

Prepare to be transported into another world.

Hopefully it's one you want to be in.

And remember, there's no turning back now.

Oh! Thank goodness you're all here.

Something terrible has happened.

Dr. Schultz has gone missing, and he left this note for all of you.

"If you're reading this, then I'm lost in another dimension."

"I must have made a breakthrough with my research.

But there's no way for me to get back.

Unless you can help me travel across space and time.

My only hope is..."

I was doing so good.

Ah! It just cuts off there. I don't...

All right. I'm just filling in for a friend, so...

I've known Dr. Schultz since I was a little girl.

He gave me my first stethoscope.

He's not that kind of doctor.

We can't let Dr. Schultz and his work disappear into the dark abyss.

How do we save him?

I found it. I'm good.


"You have one hour to solve all the puzzles, and decipher the clues of my research, and return me to the present.

Otherwise, the wormhole..."

Wormhole. Okay.

"...wormhole will open up and swallow you into oblivion... oblivion... oblivion..."

Good luck.

The room is identical.

"Look for what's in the past. It'll help you in the present."

This is the present.

We're in the past.

We're in the past!

We're in the past!


You saved me.

Holy shit.

Not bad, huh?

How are we even in this place?

I have a friend in luxury real estate.

This place has been on the market for years.

That's a good friend.

You remember when we would spend maximum an hour a week in front of the computer?

"You have died of dysentery."

You remember that?

Oregon Trail was the best.

Think about it. We are the only generation that straddles the line between the analog and digital age.

Like my older brother totally missed it, and my younger sister can't imagine a second without the Internet.

Growing up now is like making your diary public.

And then inviting people to comment on it.

I remember having to make a collect phone call on a payphone.

And someday I might have to retell that story to my grandchildren, who won't believe it.

I used to have to write things down on paper.

I remember having to read handwriting, and that wasn't fun.

I remember having to talk to all my friends' moms when I called.

I've had to wait more than a second to see a photo before.

I think I might owe Columbia House like 60 bucks.

Okay, well, you're a bad person.

Don't tell anyone.

I remember having to talk to people face to face.

Ugh! That's the worst.

So, what are you up to?

You know, besides saving people from wormholes.


I'm an actor.

Really? You stuck with it.

Yeah, I just...

I just finished a run of my last play off... off Broadway, and... now I'm just, uh, looking for my next gig.

That's great.

I mean, to be able to help people escape like that.

That's really cool you stuck with it.

I admire that.

Let's be honest. I wish I was doing more of it.

You should.

You're great.

Jed, it's not that easy.

What, don't you go on try-outs?

You mean auditions?

Yeah, whatever. I mean...

You live in New York. You should... have plenty of opportunities, right?

I'm still hungry.

You know, I had a crush on you in high school.

No, you didn't. Mmm.

And you just weren't interested.

You did not have a crush on me in high school.

Mm. I did.

All the girls in Drama did.

You were the cute, quiet guy who ran the light port.

Oh. Sounds really sexy.

It was.

I don't even know how to deal with these feelings.

What are these feelings?

Regret. It's pure regret.

I wanna get ahold of Dr. Schultz, and I wanna get ahold of his time machine.

All right. You get his time machine.

What do you do?

Travel back in time, get laid before I turn 22.

I said I had a crush on you, not that I would sleep with you.

You're right.

I took that hypothetical situation too far.

Yeah, well, I mean, I just can't give it up to every guy that defies the laws of physics for me.

I totally understand.

And that's what I love about you.

Is that you don't just settle for any time traveler, like every other girl does.

Whoa! Oh, God, it's getting late.

I should get home.

Try-outs tomorrow.

Yeah. You gotta... do those try-outs.

This should be my Uber.

Well, it was good seeing you.

It was good seeing you.


Oh, this is yours.

Thank you.

Of course.

I'll get your door for ya.


Good night. Yeah, good night.

Out of the fucking way.

So I did some research and I think I found the Broadway director that we need to target.

He's up and coming, he interacts with most of his posts, and he has a play day viewing in three months.

So he's likely to be casting right now.

Got it.

Are you sure you wanna do this?

What's the point in having all these followers?


"Congrats on all your success, but you will regret not casting

Hashtag discover Franky?

but couldn't because her grandma got sick.

She deserves a shot."

Hashtag, discover Franky.

He responded.

"That Franky D must be something special.

Hopefully she's in the tri-state area.

My casting people will reach out."

It's... She's call... She's calling me.

Oh, God...


Did you start a Twitter war for me?

You're like the Helen of Troy of social media.

Jed, I... I don't know what to say.

I mean, thank you. I... Well, I can't...

I can't believe it worked.

But you totally deserved it.

I mean, I remember watching you in high school, and you were so captivating...

I was wondering maybe...

We should get a drink some time soon.

You know, like, maybe after the audition.

Um, to celebrate.

Yeah, that sounds like fun.

"But every time I spread my legs, don't you know, I'm the one with the power?


I'm the one with the power.

I'm the one with the power.

I'm the one with the power."

"Do I sleep with men for money?


But every time I do it, don't you know that I'm the one with the power?

I'm the one with the power."

This looks nice. What's the occasion?

There's no occasion.

I just read an article that says if you want your husband to mow the lawn, you have to do the dishes.

So this is me doing the dishes.

Oh, but not really, because you'll be doing those later.

Oh, you think so, huh?

No! Is this the dish from Bologna?


I love you.

I love you.


So, uh, what were you working on when I came in?

Oh. Um, I have an audition next week.

Mm. I didn't think that they, uh... started up until the fall.

It's for another theater company.

There's more than one?

It's in the city.

So why are you going in?

You're right.

I thought we talked about this.

We did.

We did.

When we lived in the city and I wouldn't get a part, it was... it was like someone else was telling me I'm not good enough.

But here it's...

It's me. It's like I'm telling myself I'm not good enough.

I'm not gonna get it.

If I did, you know, I'd... want to make it work.

How long would the play run?

These things are indefinite.

It could be three months, could be three years.

So you're going to deliver our child mid-performance?

I'm not even pregnant yet.

Can you just be supportive of me?

Franky, I've been supportive for six very long years.

I mean, acting? Really? Is it so important?

It's just so vain.

And I'm sorry that it didn't happen before, but it didn't.

So can we just get on with our lives?

So just because you say I didn't make it, I should just give up and just walk away?

No, no. You're changing priorities.

And don't make me out to seem like some sort of asshole for saying "What the fuck" right now, because of a decision that we made together.

It was your decision.

My idea, our decision.

Then I made a mistake. Oh, isn't that convenient?

You don't think you could have come to that conclusion, like, two years ago?

You know what? You don't have to be so selfish.


I'm shaping the minds of America, and you have your head wrapped up in some sort of failed fantasy.

You teach humanities at a state college, Phil.

You're not fucking Hawking!

That wasn't cool.

Kombucha, on tap.

You're welcome.

Hey, Oakley.

Oof. That is bad.

Come see this.

Three million plus on Twitter.

One million plus Instagram Whoa! Four million on Facebook. Who is this?


Just a regular guy.

So this is a Kevin?


Trying to prove me wrong, huh?

Where are you taking this?

You'll see.

Good work, Tash.

Sorry, I'm still trying to train myself to drink kombucha without gagging.

You know...

Are you doing anything?

You guys know kombucha is good for you, yeah?

Get those bowels moving.

Gotta ride on the 'bucha train.

Sweetie, delete that.

Abby? Franky!

Well, how did it go?

Oh. Yeah, no. I didn't audition.

I'm not up for this.


What are you doing here?

I help out here when I have the time.


Go get 'em.


Hey, J, do you have a minute?

Hey, yeah. What's up, Tash?

I'm just plugging away on a deadline.


We've become friends over the past few months, right?


What, are you trying to tell me it's over now?

No. No.

It's just... Well, you know, I don't want you to get hurt is all.

Well, why would I get hurt?

Well, you know because of Franky's situation or whatever.

No, I don't know.

Her being married?


I didn't know Franky was married.


I just thought you knew.


J, it's not your fault.

She doesn't have a relationship status on her Facebook profile, so really there's no way you would have known.

Tasha, get your ass over here.

Listen, I gotta run, but... talk later, okay?

Thank you.

What's the temperature in there?


This is my fourth audition today, and I feel like I've bombed ever single one of them.

You'll do great.


Good to see you.

Hey, Jed, I know I wouldn't normally say this, but, please put on some pants.

It's just been tough to do much today.

Here you go.

Whoo! All right. What are we doing tonight?

Um, I think I'm gonna... sleep.

Okay, I get it. I'm sorry that this girl was married.

I feel terrible for you, seriously.

It's my job to take you out so you can forget about it.

Besides, do you know how hard it is to get a same day bro pass from your fiance?

It's unheard of.

I wouldn't, 'cause I'm not married.

It's impossible.

That's where you keep your phone?

Yeah, I'm not gonna get that.

What? I'm not gonna get it.

Jed, you are gonna get that. No, I'm not gonna get it.

This is the universe reaching out to you in the form of Usher.

You don't screen Usher's phone calls.

You can screen CeeLo's phone calls.

I'm not picking it up. You pick that phone up.

No, I'm not gonna pick it up.

Okay, I...

I hear you.

You just kinda wanna be sad, sad Jed tonight.

I'll leave you be.

Dude, "Hashtag discover Franky."

Genius, man.

I'll fucking kill you.


Hello? Jed?


Jed. Hey, Usher.

I don't know what to say.

You're trending again, bro.

Speaker phone!

You gotta get off your phone and get out.

Let's get out, man.

Yes. I'm actually with a friend now, so...

Great. Bring him. Is he down?

Uh, let me check.

Uh, are you down?

What? I don't know. Just generally speaking.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah, I'm down.

Yeah, he's down.

Almost too down. Way down.

All right. Listen, I'll text you where we'll be.

Just come straight to the VIP.

Okay now, then.


Bye! Bye.

Okay, Jed? Yeah.

What did international pop superstar Usher have to say?

He... just wants to see if we wanna go hang out with him.

Oh, he wanted to see if we're gonna...

Yeah, if we wanted to hang out?


In case we didn't want to hang out with Usher.


Usher? Mm-hmm.

Yeah, I feel like we should.

I just don't wanna make it a crazy night.

No. Okay. Yeah.

All right.

Well, we better, uh... cover this up, huh?

Let's get some pants.

I am so sorry.

Um, actually... there's something I wanna say.

No, you don't have to. I was a dick.


Please let me say it.


Franky, it's... become... very clear to me that we want different things in life.

I know what you're gonna say, and you don't... Franky...

And it is unfortunate that it's taken till now to figure that out.

And, um...

you know that I have so much love for you.

I can't be with someone who is wondering if their life would be more fulfilling.

I... I just...

I wanna be with someone who wants the same things I want.

But I want the same things you want, babe.

I do. It's... all I want.

And today I realized that was a dream I once had.

What about in 12 months?

You start to get that itch again, and you start wondering what if...

I won't. I just...

We're gonna have a baby by then anyway.

In fact, you know, maybe I'm not... making myself clear.

I think it would be... irresponsible to bring a child...

I'm turning it off. No, just take it.

No, I'll put it off. Please take it.

I need a breather.

Hey, Abby, let me call you back.

Hey, I'm so sorry about my behavior earlier, and you can cut me out later for it, but first, you ought to get your tits behind a bit because it's between you and another girl.


Good night. Good night.

Good night.

You heard me, bitch.

This isn't funny, Abigail.

It's no joke.

They're gonna call you tomorrow.

Girl, you were amazing.

I told you. If you come to the city, you'd totally tear it up.

I told you that, right? You remember?

I can't believe this.

Oh, my God. Um...

Abby, let me call you back.

No, you better take me as your date to the Tonys.

Stop talking. Stop talking.



Oh... Oh...

Get down. There you go.

Is this the after-party?

This place looks like shit.

No, this is the after after-party, buddy.


Let's get you down here.


Ah, there you go.




Will. Yeah?

Why didn't you tell me that you and Dave met on the Internet?

I was embarrassed.


I didn't... want you thinking that I couldn't get a guy like Dave in real life.

But it's only been better, man.

Because things were staggers...

No, it's... Stag... Stag...



Things were stagnant.

And then, a couple of guys reached out to me on Grindr.

I left it open, and Dave saw.

And he got crazy jealous and then he locked it up.

Smooth sailing.

No, no, no, no, no.

No, no!



What the fuck?

So all of this happened overnight.

It was the last four hours really.

And you decided it was a good idea to use my picture?

I told you. I don't remember anything from last night.

Yeah. Well, they're picking apart all of your posts.

Every photo, every tweet.

All that we built.

How could you let this happen, J?

What were you thinking?

I wasn't!

How can we fix this?

One guy started a petition to get you kicked off of Instagram.

Another guy is claiming that you doctored his original photographs and he's threatening to sue you.

Do you know how serious this is?

It's bullshit. I mean...

I did everything you told me to do.

Yeah. Well, they don't think it's bullshit.

They started a hashtag.

"How pathetic.

Do us a favor and go kill yourself."

Hashtag unfollow Jed.

"Yeah, if my son grew up to be like this guy, I'd shoot him in the head."

Hashtag unfollow Jed.


Somebody took the time to write that.

Yesterday I had the support of a million people.

They don't even know me.

I'm gonna take the post down.

Fuck these people, Jed.

So you'll be sharing the futon with moi.

The, um... shower's in the kitchen.

Well, the stove doesn't work.

Welcome back to the city.

Thank you for letting me stay here, Abs.

I promise as soon as I find a place, I'll get out of your hair.

Oh, no worries, love.

And I'm sorry about the mess. It's just... been so busy I haven't had the time to clean, you know how it is.

Oh, babes.

It's all right.

Are you okay?

You're okay.


You stay here as long as you need, okay?

Thank you.

You're not the first person whose marriage didn't work out, and you're not going to be the last.

It's almost like a pre-req to true adulthood.

I just never thought this is where I'd be.

I feel like...

I'm constantly being reminded that everyone else has their shit together.

I mean, every time I pick up my phone, someone's getting married, or having a baby, or going on vacation to Bali.

Don't forget about all those marathons people run.

It's all artificial, Franky.

All of it.

Everything people put up.

I mean, I do the same shit.

I need everyone to know that my life couldn't possibly be going any better.

Truth is, I haven't even worked in three years.

Why didn't you tell me?

I work full time at that casting agency, and I spend most of my time pruning my profile like a bloody bonsai tree.

I mean, I could have learned Mandarin, or how to change a tire.

There's something else I've been meaning to tell you.

I'm not actually Australian.


Oh, God!

Of course I am, you silly bitch.

Great. That's really... Give me those drugs.

Really funny.

It was like the worst American accent ever.

It was. It was actually the worst.

It was pretty bad, right?

Why do you do what you do?

Um, I guess I would argue that what I do is a form of sociology.

Social media doesn't even know what it wants to be yet.

Civilization is gonna look back at our tweets and our status updates and they're gonna look like cave drawings.

I bet you'll write an interesting book about it.

You know, three quarters of the population didn't read a single book last year.

I definitely wanna do something with all this information. I just...

I hope it's something more relevant than writing a book.

You're something.

Um, so I've been thinking about how we need to respond to all this, and it needs to be aggressive.

You know, I think that we really tell these people...


Just let it go.

I liked that you used my picture.

Oh, my God. What?

Tasha. What?

There's only one way out of this.

What are you talking about?

Um, where should I put the phone?

Um, we can acknowledge the camera from time to time.

Right? Like it's a home movie or something.

And then you post it, 'cause that's what you do best.

It'll be flawless.



I didn't...


Hey, Jed, it's Franky.

I... saw what happened online, and I just want to see if you're okay.

I didn't know if you wanted to talk about it.

I hope you're well.

Hey, uh...

I need you to sign something for the Veep account.

You know you need to take the caps off the bottles before you recycle them, right?

There was a memo about it.

I'm aware.

How's it going with your Kevin?

You were right. It was a bad idea.

Fucking Kevin.


What are we doing here?

We're not helping anyone.

Tasha, take a seat.

All my aunt ever wanted was a kid.

And then one day it happened, and he was gorgeous and smart and basically perfect.

And then they found out he had cancer.

And it was a bad kind and they couldn't afford treatments.

So she went online.

Just started writing daily entries about their struggles, what made him laugh that day, not asking for anything.

Soon people started to share her story.

Soon people started to realize that this was an actual family that they could reach out and help.

Soon the 100,000 people that were circulating their story came together and raised enough money to get him through treatment.

If it wasn't for social media, none of that would have been possible.

You just gotta keep your perspective.

It's the most valuable thing you got.

Hey, Carl. Hey, dude.

Drip coffee.

Here you go.

Thanks, Carl.

Oh, shit. I'm sorry.

Jed. Mina?

So what the fuck happened?

I was drunk.

Forgot to take off a layer, and...

Forgot to turn on a filter, I think.

No, I mean, why did you start lying about yourself?

Is this her?


She's cute, man.

Have you ever been asked to sum up who you are and... define your whole existence within just a couple of lines... a photo...

I might know how that feels.

I guess I just didn't think.

The real me wasn't enough.

Well, for what it's worth, I think that the guy I met at the engagement party was a lot more interesting than your digital doppelganger.


It says here that she's single.


Yeah, she updated it 22 hours ago.

Her relationship status says "single."

Thirteen people "liked" that.

Let me see.

Oh, I hope you're not offended that I unfriended you, by the way.

It's like nothing personal.

The fear of being myself caused me to forget who I am.

No more lies.

No more excuses.

Posting every hour for the next 24.

Sincerely doing my best to seamlessly integrate myself into a picture.

Was lonely.

I wanted to belong to something.

I gained millions of followers, but hurt a friend in the process.

Sorry for losing sight of what was in front of me.

Never meant to hurt you.

Manipulating an authentic person just to see if I could...

Not my proudest moment.

See you at the coffee shop, J.

Hashtag Truthful Tuesday.

I'm not scared of getting married.

Just terrified of not being the partner my husband deserves.

Hashtag Truthful Tuesday.

I look in the mirror every day and all I can see is my ten-year-old self.

Wondering if I'll ever feel like an adult.

Hashtag Truthful Tuesday.

Not everything we see online is true.

But the way we treat each other is impossible to misinterpret.

Hashtag Truthful Tuesday.

The most honest we can be is when we acknowledge ourselves as liars.

Hashtag Truthful Tuesday.

Franky, have you been online today?

No. Why?

It looks like your friend Jed has started something bonkers.

He posted again.


Those poor kids right in the throes of puberty.

That's me.

At my high school prom.

"I never thought I'd be this happy again until I saw her 12 years later."

Hashtag Truthful Tuesday.

Damn, that's some romantic shit.