Permanent (2017) Script

It's called "Sun-In".

You spray it on, lay out in the sun, and it makes your blonde come out.

I heard it makes your hair orange.

No, not really.

Maybe sometimes, but not really.

Forget "Sun-In", I'm gonna use lemons.

This is loads better than some damn lemons!

I paid good money for it!

Who the hell are you?




Ow! Can I get a permanent?

You mean a body wave?


Why not?

'Cause I bet it's a big waste of money.

And you're stuck taking care of it every day.

I went to a beauty salon once.

The lady said, "Jeanne, you want split ends?"

That's because your hair's thin.

Mine's thick.

A permanent makes you hair hold curls.

And you can feather it. Really?

I don't know why you spend so much time trying to be beautiful!

Just be realistic.

You'll probably turn out just cute.

What kind of mother says that?

That's not normal.

You want me to tell you the truth, or you want me to lie?

I didn't say you were ugly.

I said you were cute.

Cute is very high on the scale!

Just cute?

You're supposed to encourage me.

You don't need encouragement in the vanity area.

Beauty is a lot of work!

I was always just cute and it worked out just fine for me.

It's less pressure, and loads better!

You like that picture?

You've got a great smile. Ah, thanks.


Not bad for your old dad.

Hey, did you ever see this pen?

It's got Gerald Ford's signature on it.

He gave it to me himself.

I'm gonna hold on to this until you turn 18.

You know what's another part of your inheritance?

Something I picked up in Brazil.

You know what I do sometimes when I've got a little extra pocket change?

Put it in the pig? Put it in the pig. Exactly.

That way, when you go off to college, you'll break it open...

You get to keep all the money.


Can I get a permanent?

What? Why do you want one of those?

Because I'm ugly and I feel bad about myself.

Come on. I have to be the new girl, and everyone else looks like Farrah Fawcett.

Farrah Fawcett?

Who names their daughter "Farrah"?

Unless, of course, you're Egyptian.

Dad, haven't you heard of "Charlie's Angels"?

They're on TV. No kidding, they're on TV.

Yes, one is blonde, one is brunette, they go on missions.

What does that have to do with you? And you're not ugly.

You're a very attractive young lady.

Can I get one anyway?


Don't you want me to be...? Eh!

Don't you want me...? Eh!

Gorgeous? Eh!

You may or may not know, I'm very good friends with Miss Dolly Parton.

What people don't know about Miss Dolly Parton is she's plagued by combination skin.

And Miss Dolly Parton also has what I like to call the "sub T-zone ".

And that's acne with pimples that occurs in the bosom region.

Is this a salon?

It's the same thing.

The whiteheads and the blackheads are just running wild up here in what we call "the T-zone."

This is your T-zone right here.

Wait, it says "Beauty School". They're students!

We can't waste $40 on some fancy place.

We can't afford a beauty salon.

We all have to tighten our belts.

Damn it, Jeanne, why even bring it up?

Jim! You said you'd talk nice to me!

Keep your word! I am keeping my word!

Then don't say, "Damn it"! Okay.

...and gently press from either side like so, and you might even prick it with a hot needle.

Do you want to go home, or do you want to get your hair done?

If all you're gonna do is complain then we can just forget about it.

If you ask me she doesn't need a permanent.

She hasn't been very good this week. She's sassed.

What? Come on, please.

Jeanne... Well?


Come on.

Just pull it, pinch it, pop it, and let me show you why.

Here you'll notice that the whitehead is just filled with oozy puss.

That oozy puss is...

Hey, Come on in. just pull and pop.

Or squeeze and pop.

But be sure...

What are looking to get done? A permanent.

Have you done one of those before?

Lord, yes.

Absolutely, yes, ma'am!

I have done several perms and they turned out just fine.

That's great! See, Aurelie?

Are you a professional?

Five more weeks. Yes, I am.

O-ray-lie? That's your name?

It's French.


So, do ya'll speak French?

No, just English.

Well, her name was supposed to be Angie.

Then, right when I was about to have her, I ran into this French nurse. She talked me into Aurelie...

At the time, I liked that it wasn't just the same old thing.

Yeah, well, that's real interesting.

So, do ya'll want small ones?

Um... Small equals a tighter curl.

I want ringlets, really soft and natural looking.

The kind I can blow dry and brush through, to wings.

Yeah, right!

We wanna get our money's worth.

We don't want to spend 20 whole dollars, and have it all just fall out right away.


You need help with anything, hon?


Nope, I'm good.

Just looking, my wife likes these.

Just checking out the styles?

Yeah. Sure.

My name's Maylene.

You just give a holler if you need anything.

How much you sell them for?

Which one?

Your cheapest model?

That little blondie in the corner's just 38 bucks.

You wanna see it?

You sell just the heads?

The heads?

You mean you just wanna buy the form? The head part?

The wig form, I think it's called.

That's what I'm saying. Right.

Gosh, I don't know!

Let me go and check.

That's really not necessary...

...that beauty is on the inside, and I say that is a load of horseshit. However, what you put into your body is just as important...

I'm so sorry.

That man over there wants to buy a wig form.

What's he want to buy a wig form for?

I don't know, what should I do?

Sell him the damn wig form, Maylene.

$6.99, that's a 100% mark-up.

$6.99. Give him a bag for it.


...the T-zone is like the Bermuda Triangle of skin care, good skin just disappears up there to never be seen or heard from again.

Came out good and curly, didn't it?

What do you think, Aurelie? Do you like it?

Sure she does!

Yep, in a few days, it's gonna relax.

Perm's gonna relax on you, whether you want it to or not.

I thought you wanted it curly.

It's dramatic.

Yeah, but...

She's just startled by the change.

Sometimes it's a shock when we make a big, bold move.

Hey, Barry! What?

Come check out this permanent I just done did.

Study your final exam material, I'll be right back.

Ah, that looks good!

That's good!

That looks real, real good.

It does, doesn't it? You did a good job...

Come here just one second...

How long did you leave that on her for?

45, I think. My doggone timer broke.

Her hair looks like it's having a stroke.

Did it come out too strong?

No, not at all. Heavens, no! That looks real good.

Besides, that's gonna relax.

Honey, it's good. What do you think, Jim?

Don't you think it looks nice?

Do you like it?

Yes, I do. It looks very attractive...

And probably practical, very easy to take care of.

Know what, if you ask me, she looks like a movie star!

Wait, ah...



You know? Streeland!

Streisand. Like Sonny and Cher.

Or like Captain & Tennille. Like a captain.

When exactly is it going to relax?

This could be... soon.

Real, real soon.

Dad, why are you going so fast?

You're young and healthy. What's the problem?

Why'd we have to park so far away?

I don't need to park where everyone else parks.

Exercise is good for you. That was standard military pace.

I'm not in the military!

Why are you so uptight?

I've already had a hard enough day.

I'm not uptight.

And why have you had a hard day?

I think people are looking at me.

People? What people?

Maybe they're jealous.

Oh, hey, you see there?

She wishes she had your hair.

Did you see her eyes?

You really thinks she wants my hair?


Listen, they said it was gonna relax. It just...

Well, it hasn't relaxed yet, hon. So, you can't judge.

And I am also relaxed.

Very, extremely relaxed.


What's Reagan like?

Oh, great sense of humor.

Doesn't always remember your name though.


And Nancy?


No, she's fine.

It was time to wrap up that career and follow my dream.

So, I am very grateful for your financial assistance.

Your scholarship means a great deal to me.

Now, I noticed here that it says I'm required to do two quarters of "natation"?

Um, that's swimming.



And what does that have to do with pre-med?

Oh, it's just one of those old rules.

We started as a religious college, and... we're still quite a bit Methodist.

What about jogging?

I'm much better at jogging than I am at swimming.

Well, a quarter of jogging is also required.

We are very strict about it.

But have no fear, everyone can learn to float.

After that, you just swim.

Breast stroke, back stroke, butterfly, and dive off the high board.


I already know how to float. I swim like a seal.

Well, good. So, then I don't think you have anything to worry about...


You're gonna swim, right?

Is it your hair?

Is it that you're afraid it'll fall off?


It's not.

Well, I liked seeing you on campus.

You looked really smart.


Well, I guess that's better than thinking, "My dad was too dumb to get into college.

He just sat around on his ass, picking his nose, and was a total imbecile."

We're both turning over a new leaf.

Dolphins communicate with members of their family pod through a variety of individualized whistles and clicks, using nasal air sacs located in the lower left of the blowhole.

Surprisingly, Dolphins breathe through their blowhole, located at the top of their head.

I love dolphins so much.

I don't feel like this about any other animal.

Except maybe gorillas.

I don't know why I feel so drawn to them.

Hard to say.


I'd love to touch one.

I bet it's all slick and slickery!

I wonder if I'd be scared?

Not if you practiced.

How do I practice touching a dolphin?

You could use Jell-O.

Stroke the Jell-O.

Well? You...

Come on, I'm not overly interested in dolphins, is that a crime?

Aurelie, did you take my butter dish?

I'll bring it right back!

I want my dish back! I need it!

Jim, do something!

She took my butter dish!

This is adding stress to my evening.

How would you feel if she took your comb?

Aurelie, open up!

My butter dish stays in the kitchen, so I can eat corn!

We already ate corn!

Hey, just don't take your mother's butter, hon.

We can buy you your own butter, okay?

Why did you put butter in your hair?

That beauty student needs to go work in a damn kennel!

She made me look like a damn dog!

And now I have to go make friends like this!

No cursing! The lady said it's temporary.

I told you. "Damn it" is contagious.

Putting Land O'Lakes in your hair is not a good idea.

It's not smart. The stuff's going to curdle.

I can't even comb it! Okay, okay...

All right, what are we gonna do? Let's put our heads together.

She's just nervous cause tomorrow's her first day of school.

We've got to get a comb through it.

We need a...

What's it called?

A pick! A pick would be great!

A pick would get through it.

A pick. You want a pick, hon? What's a pick?

You're gonna love it!

You're weird.

You are so weird.

Are you new? What's wrong with your head?

I got a permanent.

You did it that way on purpose?

Yeah, I like it.

Plus, it's really easy to take care of.

And I like being over dramatic.

Hey, hurry up! Bus is leaving!

Hey, that girl's got an afro!

What you do?

Stick your finger in the light socket?

Ronald McDonald head!

What's your name? Don't sit too close!

She's part black! Blacks sit together!

Hey, black dog! Who you calling black dog?

Not you, Lydia. Her! I was calling her a black dog!

I just call her a giant.

Her name's Lydia. She's retarded.

She flunks school!

I don't even think she takes a bath.

I take a bath! I'll kick your ass, stink cracker!

Why do they hate us so much?

What do you mean, "us"? I'm gonna kill those honkies!

They hate our hair, right? Because it's different.

I don't care about your hair, you dumbass!

Don't talk to me about your stupid head that has nothing to do with me!

If you want, I'll be your friend.

Hell, no!

You didn't come over here cause you wanted to sit by me.

You're just desperate!

Let me see your bag. What are you doing?

Looky, looky. Give it back!

Come and get it you curly-haired dog!



Oral, Oral...

Aurahlee Dixon?

Oral sex?

Excuse me, Ray!

We do not say dirty expressions in this classroom.

Would you like it if your parents heard what you just said?

Now, how do you pronounce your name?


Auralie, Auralie...

That was oral.

Sexy dog dong.

That's not funny, Kelly!

It wasn't me. I had something in my throat.

Well, I hope you all notice that you should be especially courteous to me this year in class because I am pregnant.

Very pregnant.

And I am focused on the pink and the blue, like those cute little booties.

And I am in no mood for sassers!

Your family just moved here, Aurelie?

Yes, we used to live in Washington, D.C. on an Air Force base.

Really? Your father a pilot?

Sort of. He was called a flight steward.

Now he's going to college to be a doctor!

Probably a brain specialist.

You don't say? That is fascinating!

Stop it!

I'm watching you! I don't like your attitude!

Stop it with that gum chewing.

I can hear you from out in the hallway.

My baby can hear you, and it's driving my baby crazy.

Well, she's off to school.

Sink or swim.


Hi there.

What are you looking at?

You. Only in a good way.

You know, Jim...

You might be over 40, but you're still good-looking.

Oh, really? Thanks a bucket.

It's true, a lot of men go over the hill, but not you.

Don't you wanna kiss me?


Hon, I'm just getting ready to start my day.

Let's not forget that I'm taking college-level algebra when my last class was high school math.

Needless to say, I've got some studying to do.

Jim, I think you have a low sex drive.

No, I have excellent sex drive.

Then there's something wrong with me because you have a low level of interest.

Maybe your level is too high, ever think of that?


I'm normal!

You're too uptight to ever have any fun.

I have fun!

Lots and lots of fun events.

Endless amounts.

Maybe it's just that you've got lousy timing...

When you have nothing to do, and I have extra time before work!

Sex is free!

Jeanne, I just put on my hairpiece.

The glue irritates my scalp, I don't wanna have to take it off.

Just lay down with it on!

No, I'm not going to ruin it because of your urges.

This is a very expensive hairpiece.

Okay, and it's hot.

So, my head is probably too sweaty for the adhesive to work properly again.

But fine. You want me to do it?

Okay, here we go.

Come and get me.

Now is your chance.

You're not making this appetizing.

See? Even now, all you do is complain.

I am sitting down in the appropriate position.

The equipment is available.

My treasures are on display, as you can see.

I'm not gonna just come up and grab it and snatch it!

I'm not a dog.

You treat me like a dirty old woman.

You're calling yourself that, not me...

A pervert!

When anyone else would think I have normal, sexual desires!

George Washington, John Adams, Thomas Jefferson, James Madison, James Monroe, and John Quincy Adams...

I memorized them all one night when it was raining.

Well, good!

That is real good.

Now, who can tell me the three most important systems of the human body?


Um, skeletal, muscular and circulatory.

Well, that is right. That is absolutely right, I can tell your daddy is in medical school.

And who knows what the word "onomatopoeia" is?

For example, the word "plop"?

It looks like Aurelie is the only one...


Shut up.

Maybe I should go to a different school.

Everybody hates me.

Sure, if you wanna be a quitter.

In my opinion, you should be proud of your intelligence!

You try and please all the dipshits of the world, you'll end up on an escalator going down.

Who knows, you might be the first woman president.

Those jackasses would be glad to have you in the Back-of-the-Class Club.

Dad, you're hilarious.

"Back-of-the-Class" Club?

There is no Back-of-the-Class Club!

I'm trying to talk to you like an adult.

Back-of-the-Class Club, Smoking-Dope Club, Running-Around-No-Good Gang...

It's all the same!

Hey, you don't think I'd rather be 18 or 19, and just starting college, huh?

I had the intelligence, but I did not have good advice.

Is that why you became a flight steward instead of a pilot?

Who said I wanted to be a pilot, huh?

Pilots don't have it so good.

They're stuck in the cockpit the whole time.

Who gets to talk to the diplomats?

Now, what do you think?

Think of what? My swimming.

Your head's above water. Lots of people swim like this.

Bad swimmers, for example.

Bad swimmers?

Dad, you have to be a good swimmer, this is college.

You're gonna get an F.

I know what I'm doing.

It's called the breast stroke.

Your head's still above water.

My feet are killing me. Who wants to give me a massage?

How much will you pay?

Do I ask you to pay me every time I do something nice for you?

How about nothing?

When do you do nice things for me?

All the time.


Ah, great!

You ever heard of this?

"How to Make Friends and Influence People."


Very popular book. Very successful.

She's not gonna like that book.

Yes, she is!

It looks 100 years old. It's from the 1950s, and it's very popular because it works.

You read this, and those bullies will leave you alone.

It teaches you how to flatter them.

Flatter them? You think that's gonna work?

It's worked for millions of other people.

It worked for people who are starving, people who have to sell products on one leg.

Why not you?

Is that our doorbell? Get that.

Why do I have to get it? I smell like chicken.

And I'm tired.

I'm tired, too. I'll get it, I'll get it.


Dad, I think it's the Welcome Wagon.

Should I open?


Who needs their coupons?

What coupons? They have a gift basket!

I think I saw free jelly!

You're so naive.

There's no such thing as "free jelly."

I love coupons!

What's wrong with us that no one answers the door?

I wanted to open the door. But Dad's too weird.

Oh, I'm the weird one?

Maybe I'm the normal one, and they're strung-out drug-pushers!

Ever think of that? You're a clown, Dad.

Oh I'm the clown? Look at you, clown.

You're the clown, or are you trying to mess with the best?

Ooh, you trying to start a war you might lose?

Ooohh... Ooohh...

Look strong, look alive!


All great warriors use the element of surprise!

Dad, I'm gonna get Alzheimer's!

I like to wrestle, too...

Oooh, pile-driver, hah-hah!

What do you mean? Do I talk Swahili?

You have fun with Aurelie, but not with me!

You think it's easy for me to work all day, sweating in that stinky chicken factory, working at Captain Chicken, while you go to college?

You don't even ask me how was my day!

Okay, okay. How is that big boil on your rear?

On your hip? Did it ever turn out to be infected?

What? That's it!

Get out!

What? You said you thought that thing might be a boil.

And as you recall, I said, "Don't worry, it's probably just a simple pimple."

I'm concerned about you, hon.

I had no idea if you'd popped it or not...

Jim! Do I make fun of your physical defects?

Physical defects?

Like your toupee, for example?

What's going on?

Nothing, I'm the Elephant Man now I guess.

That's right, nothing!

I go to work and I come home to a big nothing!

Come inside, we'll figure this out.

It's not healthy to sleep on the grass.

Go to hell!

Mom, would you like an apricot orange cheese ball?

No, thank you, Aurelie.

How about I give you a foot massage?

Thank you.

Are you God?


I'm Jerry.

Pubic hair!

So, what did you do?

If he tells me he wants to get laid, I say put that pecker back in that pocket for at least two weeks!

Who's in here?

I bet you don't even know what that means.

What? Virginity?

Somebody should leave this bathroom.

It's a free country.


Smells like stinky in here! Somebody's stinky!

It was like that when I got in here.

Hey, have you noticed she has long legs like a model?

It's a compliment.

A what?

How'd you get the name Oral, anyway?

Damn, was your momma on drugs when she popped you out?

Let me see, I'll name my baby Oral, Oral dirty licky lick!

'Cause that's how I got talked into having this damn baby anyway!

What's wrong with your hair, Butt Lick?

She said she got a permanent.

Yeah, I never seen no permanent like that!

Cut it out!

Oh, my God!

What in the name of Hades is that thing?

Haven't you ever heard of a pick before?

They're popular all over the United States.

They're for the blacks. I think it's for pubic hairs!

Maybe that's your new name!


I'm gonna kick your pubic ass every time I see you!

Oral! Get away from me!

Give me that hair spray? Pubic needs some.

Get off of me!

Pubic hair!

What am I supposed to do?

Confront Jack?

Or play the good wife and pretend I never found those porno magazines?

Which ones? And bless your heart.

I don't know how I'm ever gonna forget?

I don't know how you could!

Don't put me in the mood to give birth either!

I wouldn't imagine... Mrs. Tripp?

I was in the bathroom and these girls beat me up.

Honest? Who?

I think one of their names is Kelly.

You had a disagreement with Kelly?

She is not being a nice girl today!

She really is not.

And they pulled my hair, and they sprayed hairspray in my face!

That is not allowed!

If that happens again, you come and you tell me.


Lydia! Lydia!

Am I seeing you throw pasta?

Don't make me get up out of my chair!

Help me up out of this chair.

Lydia! What are you doing?

Pasta everywhere. Stop it!

Why are you not controlling these students?

She could slip and fall, and she is a pregnant woman. This is not acceptable.

Bad on you, everyone!

I just don't think you tried hard enough.

Compliments and flattery are a very effective, time-tested method.

Okay, hold on a second here.

Have you ever found anything? Doesn't matter...

It's relaxing.

You just got to give it a chance, kind of like you and Dale Carnegie.

Dad, you're not listening! I need something else!

Like what?

Brass knuckles.

Brass knuckles? Isn't that a little bit extreme?

Oh, look at this?

Oh! Look at that!

A glass bottle.

Probably used to store medicine over 100 years ago.

My gift to you.

I don't want a bottle. I wanna protect myself.

Ma'am? Oh!

Sorry... I'm so sorry.

Do you know what...?

What are these sounds?

Oh, that's whales.

Is my sound system too loud?

Oh, no!

I love mammals.

Sea mammals!

That's my thing too.

The mating call...

It gets real intense.

Right there.

Real sexual, right?

Sexual? Don't you think?

Oh, I don't know about that.

That's not why I'm attracted to...

Mammals, sea mammals.

Well, maybe it is.

Sexual is everywhere.

Did you ever think about how much fornicating is going on... in that little patch of grass you're standing on right now?

Grass? Uh-huh.

Oh, you saw me sleeping on the lawn the other night?

I don't usually do that.

I'm normal.

Oh, that's okay.

It's okay.

You know, for a second, I thought you were God.

You kind of have that look.

Are you an artist?

I give art lessons.

I have no talent.

You don't need talent.

You just need to feel it.



That was good. Good job!

Now, the nabia, which is right here below the nose, is the weakest bone in the whole body.

If you control somebody's personal nabia, you control them.


Take me. Over here.

Roger, come on up.


Be a mugger.


You see that?

I won that there fight with this!

Anybody can do it.

I didn't know there was a personal nabia.

Hmm, me neither.

Think of how that knowledge could come in handy.

Did you know that?


Where are all the girls?

Not here.

They're not tough like you.

Now, Roger, I'm gonna have you mug somebody else.

Oh, hi, Dixon family!

How you guys doing?


You guys called earlier? Little girl getting bullied?

This one.

That's her?

Come on up, Aurala! Why don't you give it a try!

I'm just a visitor.

There's no such thing as visitors here in the dojo.

Okay? Now you come on up, and you push on Roger's nabia.

Go, go, go! Go on...

Come on!

Right. Stand right here.

Hands up.

Don't be afraid.

Okay, Roger.

Charge at her in slow motion.

Get your finger up. Yeah, good.

Okay, here we go, ready?

Go for his nabia!

Way to go! Nice! Get on back in there, Roger.

He got snot all over my finger.

Wipe it on your shorts.

This place smells like feet.

That's how men smell.

Should we talk about how women smell?

It's not always potpourri.

You know, I think karate is great.

You can take the first week for free.

Why quit before you start?

Yeah, hon, where's your courage?

I've got plenty of courage. Where's yours?

Me? Courage is my middle name.

Oh wait, stop!

Isn't that a real salon?

Right back there?

In this alley?


"Permanent repair and straightening"...


Ah, forget it! It costs an arm and a leg!

Dad, can I borrow 60 bucks? Yeah, sure.

As soon as you show me where the money tree is.

Well, I don't know where the money tree is!

Neither do we!

Let's look for it. I wonder where it could be.

Oh, Aurelie...

I'd even take a money shrub at this point.

Okay, everybody!

Round one of Scooter board hockey is about to begin!

I want you to come up and grab a bandana, and tie it around your head!

Okay, if you were red last year, grab a red.

If you were blue, keep grabbing blue.

Boys, you up first, let's go.

Settle down! One at a time!

One at a time, one at a time!

If you're gonna sit by me, you've got to give me a dollar.

What? I can't!

I've got to save up my money. I need to raise 60 bucks.

So? You're using me, so I can use you.

You think you'd sit here if kids thought your hair looked white?


You think my hair's pretty?


You lie.

Well, guess what? It is pretty!

Maybe just not on you, ever think about that?

By the way, that's not a afro, you don't have a afro.

I swear these dummies don't know their ass from a hole in the ground!

Why don't you take your hair out of the braids?


Because maybe I don't want to, that's why.

Hi, curly-haired dog!

What be up, Ronald McDonald head?

That guy told me he wanted to touch you with his finger.

What? What finger?

Why don't you grow some brains?

Brett wants to stick his finger in your poo-tang!

My tang? Down there, jackass!

But I don't even know him. That doesn't matter!

I got a stomach ache. I don't wanna play this game.

Yes, you do! This is our chance!

We can finally beat those girls asses!

All right, let's go!

All right, all right!

Get your hands up!

Over here!

Give me the ball, Oral! No!

Aurelie, come on, that's not our goal!

Let's go! That's not our goal!

That's not our goal, not our goal!

Wrong way, Space case!

Aurelie, don't give up! Come on!

I'm open!

Come on! Come on!

Come on!

Give me the ball!


Her! She is so rude!

My nose is about to bleed!

She's dangerous!

Out, now!

You too. Up, let's go!

Keep your head high, Aurelie!

You all right?

She nearly hit me with that there ball, could've hurt somebody.

Park it right there on that step.

At this school, we do not accept fighting.

Fighters are sent to the principal's office, and usually suspended.

Fighting is low-class, redneck behavior.

Is it true you started first, Aureola?

What? No!

That's right, I didn't do anything to her!

She stuck her damn finger up my nose, trying to touch my boogers!

You may try that booger trick again.

Go ahead and make my day!


Have you not noticed that I am pregnant?

I am pregnant! This is pregnant!

And I do not have time for this.

You are disturbing my unborn child.

So, what I'm trying to say is that if you two do not learn to get along, you are both headed for suspension!

Don't let yourself overheat, Georgia.

All right.

You two girls need to give the other person a good long look.

Right now!

How is this situation your fault?

What can you do to turn this sinking ship around?

I want to hear ideas from the both of you!

I try! Oral's a bully!

Well, that's it?

That's it, I'm just gonna walk on down to Mr. Toxin's office, and have him process two suspensions.

And guess what?

It goes on your college record.

Wait, what?


I brought Kelly a present.

I heard her birthday was coming up.

How'd you know? It's in three months.

Well, isn't that thoughtful.

It's an antique. It can be a knick-knack.

A knick-knack?

Thank you. I don't have one of these.

Well, now you do.

I wish I did.

Are you touched?

You should be touched.

Why don't you two hug? Hug it out.

Now we're cooking with gas!

♪ I been on the high road I been on the low road ♪

♪ I been on the wrong path more than I've cared for ♪

♪ I've been on the wrong path ♪


Here you are.

Thank you.


Hi! Oh!

Oh, I seem to jump every time I see you.

I'm unexpected.


I guess God is everywhere, huh?

You know...

I was writing a poem about that.

God, I'm like a little orphan, fast asleep on the grass.

I can't read any more. It's embarrassing.

You didn't happen to think it was good, did you?


My poem!


Not everybody's a poet.

You should try watercolors.

And then graduate to oils.

You don't have original recipe here, do you?

Oh, no, no, this isn't Kentucky Fried Chicken.

This is different.

Here it only comes fried. Or under-fried.

Some people want it more fried.

This isn't the place for you.

It has no imagination.

Then why are you wasting your time working here?


I'm the breadwinner.

Get away from my family's yard!

I heard your daddy wears a wig.

What? No!

I heard you've got a dirty mind.

You told Lydia you wanted to use your finger on me?

You're gonna get finger action sooner or later.

I will not!

If you knock off the finger stuff, maybe we could play something, like Olympics.

What crazy-ass game is that?

I wanna play masks.

It's easy...

We just have to put on masks and talk dirty, sexy talk.

If you do it, I'll give you five whole bucks.

Aurelie, come here, please!

Faster, please, young lady.

Who is that boy?

Tell him to go home. I don't like the look of him.

Dad, I don't have any friends.

It's not like I can pick and choose.

Your mom needs help with the laundry.

Why don't you go do it? I've got homework.

You see this?

That's the tiniest record-player in the world playing, "My Heart Bleeds for You".

Get on.

You know, we should use this time to talk to each other.

Get to know each other better.


I've got to get Dad to give me that 60 bucks.

I've got to ask him when he's in a really good mood.

Aurelie, you don't get it.

It's not gonna help, we're poor.

No, we're not. We're upper middle class.

Dad was an Air Force officer!

He was enlisted.

And his scholarship doesn't kick in if he doesn't swim!

So, don't tell me we have all this extra money!

Here, hang up these underwear.

It's got holes!

You should throw these out! Aurelie!

Underwear does not grow on trees!

Sure, I'd buy new underwear if I could...

But I can't.

All over the world, there are millions of working class poor.

And that's what we are, poor!

And I'm proud of it!

Now, pick up that poor woman's underwear!

Pick them up.

Why can't you pick up your own horrible underwear?

Jim, your daughter just said that my underwear are horrible.

That is not good for my self-esteem!

Since when is she my daughter all of a sudden?

Dad, Mom is a nightmare!

A horrible, low-class nightmare!

Why can't you be loyal to me.

She's gonna go off to college!

I will be the one here when you're old and feeble.

I just wanna eat some meat.

The meat is ready.

Dinner is served.

I was watching World Wide Wrestling very peacefully just moments ago.


This dinner does not give me a warm feeling.

Do you think it gives me a warm feeling?

Jim, we need help.

I saw an ad on the bulletin board at work, it said, "Free therapy for troubled families."

From an ad on a board?

We'll end up with a serial killer.

Jim, serial killers don't live around here.

Plus, it's free.

Are you gonna pay me a dollar?

I've got bigger fish to fry, Lydia.

I need 60 bucks to fix my hair.

You think my mama would just hand me 60 bucks?

Why don't you do some work? Like collect aluminum cans!

What? Where would I get the cans?

Use your head.

Wherever people drink soda pop and throw away the can.

You mean I have to go dig in the trash cans?

Have you ever done it? Hell no! I don't do cans.

You're the one who needs some cash.

Damn it, Lina...

Could you chew with your mouth shut?

You look like a damn camel. This is why we never go nowhere, 'cause you don't know how to act in public, you act like you never been out of a damn house before.

That's why I never take you anywhere...

There you are. Oh, the bathroom is no good.

I'm gonna go set down my purse.


Hello, are you here for family therapy?

I thought you were single.

I am single.

It's my group.

Excuse me? I'm the group leader.

You mean, the therapist?


Ya'll can come on down now.

Aurelie, here.



What comes to mind when we think of this funny word, "Family"?



I think a family is like a car.

What model car? Any model.

A Chevrolet, for example.

You can wax it, or you can let it stay dirty.

To me, a family is like a plant.

You give it water, and you hope you didn't get a weed.

Good. Very good.

Now, who here is afraid of their family?

Don't be afraid.


I'm afraid my wife's gonna get drunk and embarrass me in public again.

If that's what you mean. That is.

That's exactly what I mean.

I'm afraid!

We used to live on a very nice Air Force base.

Jim wore an attractive uniform.

I used to shop at the commissary, got 15% off of everything!

Now we're broke!

And he's terrified to just go swimming!

You're exaggerating. Okay, he's scared.

And his insecurities are going to get him kicked out of college!

Aurelie hates me!

It's not my fault that you have split ends!

It's more than split ends!

Is it true, Ariole, that you blame your mother for your hair?

Whose idea was it to go to Barry's Beauty School?

I want to share with you a saying I came across recently.


"No family is normal like every other family."

See there? We're just like everybody else.


This is your school librarian!

Now, what I have here in my hand is an announcement about a upcoming Halley's Comet Poetry Reading Contest.

I'll read it out...

Calling all young people with a poetic spirit!

This contest was initiated in our town ten years ago under Mrs. Florence Jacks, a local Mark Twain scholar and aficionado.

As in past years, the cash prize will be 75 dollars.

The same age as Mark Twain when he died upon the passing of Halley's Comet.

All students eligible to compete, and parents are encouraged to attend.

Thank you.

This is the end of the daily annou ncements!

Did you all hear that?

$75 for reading a poem?

Like my husband would say, "It's better than a poke in the eye."

Am I right?

I'm gonna put a sign-up sheet later.


But by a show of hands...

Can you tell me in here, who would be interested?


Two, three...?

That's it, I am... Put your hands down.

75 dollars.

For reading a poem?


Kelly's gonna be in it.

Her sister won last year, now it's her turn.

I thought it was a competition.

It's competition, but she's gonna win.

If you want to be her friend, don't sign up.

I'm not her friend.

You wanna lose your chance? You could be one day.

Okay, I won't do it.


Do you wanna know what's wrong with you?

You're chicken-shit.

75 dollars?


Re-think that.

♪ In 1787 I'm told our founding fathers did agree ♪

♪ To write a list of principles for keeping people free ♪

♪ The U.S.A. was just starting out ♪

♪ A whole brand-new country ♪

♪ And so our people spelled it out the things that we should be ♪

♪ And they put those principles down on paper ♪

♪ and called it The Constitution ♪

♪ And it's been helping us run our country ever since then ♪

♪ The first part of The Constitution is called ♪

♪ "The Preamble" ♪

♪ And tells what those founding fathers set out to do ♪

♪ We, the people, in order to form a more perfect union ♪

♪ Establish justice, insure domestic tranquility ♪

♪ Provide for the common defense ♪

♪ Promote the general welfare And ♪

♪ Secure the blessings of Liberty to ourselves ♪

♪ And our Posterity ♪

♪ Do ordain and establish this Constitution ♪

♪ For the United States of... ♪

Don't just stand around. Help.

Are we gonna talk about sex?

How do I know you'll give me five bucks?

I'm good for it.

You know... if you lost your poodle head...

I like you for your personality.


Okay, I'll kiss you with the masks on.


Wanna see my wiener?

Absolutely not! Yuck!

Why not? He looks like E.T.

Everybody loves E.T.

E.T. is scary.

No, he's not, E.T.'s friendly.

He just wants to make friends and phone calls.

Do you always call your wiener, "He"?

A lot of guys do it.

My brother calls his "The Big Meatloaf."

I don't believe you.


Just follow through, keep your eye on the birdie.

Ah! Hey!

No slamming allowed!

According to what rule book?

According to the "If You Want Me to Play" book.

Jim, did you ever think about using the step-by-step method for swimming?

This girl at my work, her grandfather was in WW II.

He had big problems back then because the Gazpacho kept trying to kill him...

Gestapo, not Gazpacho.

Stop correcting me! Gazpacho's a soup.

A Spanish soup, we had it on Air Force One.

Anyway, try to follow me.

It's delicious.

The war taught him how to fight back.

Up here.

When he was 104 years old, the doctors told him he would never walk again.

He went out, he got a little chair.

He took one step, he got tired, he rested.

He took another step, maybe two this time.

He sat and rested.

He walked great like that until he was 108!

And that's when he died.

Poor him.

I fail to see the point.

Are you even listening?

I'm trying to encourage to use your will power!

Maybe that story will inspire you to conquer your fears!

You know what?

If I want Einstein, I'll call him on the phone.

Why is it a bad idea?

Do it... step by step.

I'll go to the pool with you! I'll be your moral support!

Absolutely not!

I don't need anyone to hold my hand!

All right, that's good.

Let's pick up the pace.

All right. Good form. Good form.


You wait and watch up there.

You're gonna see a lot more than just breast stroke.

You want me to just sit and watch your lesson?

Yeah, why not?

Haven't you ever heard of moral support?

You could be my number one fan.

My mascot.

Damn it!

Damn it, damn it, damn it!


You can't beat on lockers!

It causes dents, and dents look like crap!

The Equal Rights Amendment died this year has marked the end of a 10-year battle...

Did he take his hair off? Not that I saw.

I can't figure out why he didn't take me along.

Aurelie, you never buy lemonade at a restaurant, right?

You just ask for extra lemon wedges and sugar packets.

I don't appreciate you talking about me.

I have excellent hearing.

Am I the only one in this house who knows how to put away dishes?

Dad, why don't you be a lawyer?

Then you could go to a different college, and get your degree faster.


Medicine doesn't take that long.

What about residency?


Residency is a four-year, post-graduate program that is optional.

It's mostly for foreigners.

Last time I checked, I speak English.

I am not on the slow bus!

Oh, no. I benefit from the American rules!

Jim, just because you have a bad day, don't take it out on these beautiful cabinets!

I plan on stenciling them.

I'm not bothering your stenciling.

And don't blame it on my day. I didn't have a bad day.

Yes, you did! I was there, remember?

When we left the pool, you were in a horrible mood!

You, enough!


I am a child, and you are the adult.

I am the adult!

I am the adult, and you are the child, so, just shut the hell up!

See, Aurelie? He can't control himself!

You are a donkey's ass!

And I'm not putting up with it anymore!

You're always finding a reason to quit because you...

You don't have the mind of a winner!

Or the hair of a winner!


I am too a winner!

I'm a winner!

You and the Methodists can kiss my rosy red!


We wasted 20 years of our life, and he never even got a promotion!

All you can do is... slam cabinets!

If you don't wanna love me, I'll find another man who will!

Hah, hah!

And I get free art classes!

I wanna be an artist!

I wanna be an artist!

I wanna be an artist! Yes, yes!

I wanna be an artist. Yes, yes...

Stop! Wait, wait, wait!

You are!

Mom, wait, what are you doing? Mom!

Wait, wait, wait.

Okay, you're free! You're free!


Wonderful! Art, art!

It's my pig!

I don't care if my dad gets mad!

How much is it?

Looks about 10 bucks.

Maybe 12.

Twelve bucks?

My dad put twelve bucks in the pig for my college fund?

Hey, wait!

Come on! Wait up!

I got your twelve bucks, it's better than nothing!


At least he don't beat you with a bat.

You should see my daddy.

Your dad beats you with a bat?

He does my brother.

Sure, when he's got a few Buds in him, he's a maniac!

Oh, no.

Is that Kelly Keester?

Oh, crap!

Hey baby, what's up?

Are you cheating on me with that stupid, pubic-hair turd face?


That's nuckin' futs! I don't even know her.

I've never even talked to that girl before!

You're a damn liar!

Shouldn't you calm Chunky down?

He's feeling my feelings! You said you loved me!

I do, baby...

Kelly, I'm so sorry, I had no idea he was your boyfriend.

I had no idea. I'm gonna go home now, okay?


How do you feel? I tried to open my blowhole.

I think you may have succeeded!

Oh, you have no idea how happy I am!

How much this means to me. Really?

You make me feel like a teenager!

Me too!

I think you should just move in over here.

You're lonely.

I'm lonely, too.

Why do you think I do family therapy?

Maybe you're right.

I never really thought of myself as a radical woman...


You have a definite radical aspect to your personality.

That's for sure. Thank you!

And very nice breasts!

Excuse me?


If you'd like, I could just say that to myself silently.

I think that might be best.

I have a present for you.

These are real sperm whale teeth.

Oh, he has a cavity!

I'm gonna make earrings out of them.

That's great.

Did you ask Mom to come back yet?

Hell, no.

Why not?

She should know how to do the right thing.

You know what your mother's problem is?

She doesn't know jack-all about how the world works.

You wanna know how things go down?

I'll tell you.

We were flying back from the ranch in California...

Reagan asks for a steak. Medium rare.

So, I go to the back, I look in the freezer.

No steaks.

What I thought was a steak... was a pork chop.

Somebody screwed up, not me.

It's not my job to stock the freezer.

But it's my job... to double-check.

People say there's no such thing as bad luck.

It's not true.

Snap your fingers, and you're screwed.

Yeah, but...

I wish you'd ask her to come back.

We're a family.

Don't just give up. Aren't you giving up?

Should I go back to karate class?

I think adolescence is like an old western.

Sometimes you realize you're surrounded... and you just got to shoot your way out.

I thought you were scared of Kelly.

I am, but I'm doing it anyway.

What about you? Nope.

Black kids don't win contests. Not when the judges are white.

Well, you wanna come watch me compete?

It's Monday, 5th period. Can't.

That's when they stick me with the retards.

But you're not retarded.


You want chicken? Take it "to go."

I'm sorry.

You're sorry?

Don't move in with that guy next door.

I have my flaws, but I am a real man.

You can't resent me 'cause I don't like whale calls.

I highly respect your love of whales... and dolphins and gorillas.

It's not the whales.

He's an artist.

Maybe I'm an artist.

But I'm the one who loves you.

Doesn't feel like you love me.

All I feel is like I'm ignored.

Listen, I've been thinking...

Aurelie's going back to karate.

What if it something that we all did together?

You know, a together thing.

You think karate is a together thing?

I absolutely do.

Great block!

Great form!

Come on, it's not that great.

Yes, it's beautiful.

You're laying it on a little thick.

You said you didn't feel loved, and I want you to feel like I love you.

I'll do whatever you want. You name it.

I want to go back to therapy!

Thank you for meeting us on short notice.

That's fine.

I often invite troubled individuals to come to these impromptu sessions.

Hey, who you calling "troubled", man?

Jim! We're here for help!

This is a couples counseling session!

It is?

I'm here to talk about Ty-ty's pill-popping.

That's fine, too.

And in these smaller groups, I like to create a space.

A space to have sex with my wife?

Jim, you're starting to make me angry!

You're not even trying!

Fine. Fine.

Ty-ty is mean when he's high!

I just had to get that off my chest.

Good, good.

And since this is a space where people say what they need to say to each other, and you seem to be pretty agitated, Jeannie...

Maybe you should get the ball rolling.


Jerry, you're very nice.

And I love that you see me as an artist.

But when you suddenly start talking about... somebody's breasts... they might start thinking you're a dirty old man.

Jeannie, I'm your therapist here.

We can discuss this in private.

I don't care to be together privately.

And Jim...

What I want to say to you is...

I'm a free spirit.

My spirit wants to be free, and creative!

Jim, if you want to stay married to me... you need to see me as I am.

I'm a little bit... outside of everything.

I don't want to be outside with you too.

I wanted you to be interested in me!

Genuinely interested.

But you never were.


If you were a magazine...

I would buy a subscription.

What does that mean?

It means that I did not always buy a subscription in the past, Jerry.

I would go to the newsstand.

Sometimes I would buy an issue.

But sometimes...

I would not.

And by God, I wanna be a subscriber!

I almost lost this wonderful magazine and I realize now... that I love it!

And I wanna read every article, Jerry!

Every article!

Cover to cover!

Think about the bullies! Think about them!

Isn't it a little early for her to spar?

No, you're supposed to do that, even on the first day.

Does that mean you and me could do it?

If you wanted to. Absolutely, we could.

Cat stance! Don't forget your cat stance.

Cat stance!

All right, Orala, here we go.

Show him it's not just a little girl he's messing with.

Okay, go in there and kick.

Good! Nice!

Oh, good kick, yeah!

Block it, block it!

That's it. Kick, Orala, kick!

Match goes to Sam.

Orala, next time you just got to kick more!

You don't show what you're made of, you know?

Mm-Hmm. Are you feeling ok?

You just got to kick a little more, okay?

Kick like a cat!

Are all of you here?

And did you all get your numbers from your home room?

Here, let's see one.

Six, five, eight, nine, ten...

Where's 14?

I thought I had 14 kids, where's Lydia Johnson?

She's coming.

Oh, good, good...

Now, that is the order in which we'll be calling you.

So, when it's your turn, I will find you here, and then I'm gonna lead you to the "go" position, where you all need to listen carefully... for your chime, all right?

Also, I want to point out to you that our judge and patron, Mrs. Florence Jacks, she's sitting right out there in the very front row!

So, smile big and do your very best, all right?

Isn't that wonderful!

Do you remember what the SH sound is?

What sound does that make?



Let's not curse.


Remember like when we want to be quiet?

What nice words start with SH?



You don't want to be held back again, do you?

What sound does a teapot make?

Excuse me?

Lydia Johnson is needed in the principal's office.

For what?

You're in trouble, I guess.

Who wrote this? Beats me.

I'm supposed to take Lydia to the principal's office.

What the hell? What did I do?


Here, I brought you a folder.

It's for the poetry competition. I signed you up.


Well, unsign me up!

I'm not doing that damn poetry competition!

Look, all you have to do is read the poem!

Don't you wanna do that instead of going back to the retard class?

Maybe you'll win!

You think I could win?

How am I gonna win?

Just read the poem.

You might be really good at it.

Come on, we have no time.

Come on.

How'd you choose this poem?

"I am a woman, sick for passion."

You think I'm gonna read this?

Yes, my lady. No, my lady...

This is ridiculous!

I thought it was romantic.

Where's one and two?

Oh, Kelly, you're gonna be number one, all right?

Now, in exactly five minutes, we are gonna start!

So, anybody has to pee, you better do it now!

I didn't have to pee until she said that.

You're nervous, just hold it!

I can't! Here...

Take my bag and my folder.

And I'll be back.

We done told you not to enter this poetry competition!

You're not the boss of me.

Oh, yeah? Come on out, and we'll see who's boss.

Come on, Kelly!

I just wanna say, I love Mark Twain!

He's my favorite famous person.

I think he was such a genius.

So, I chose a poem by him...

Isn't that the bully girl?

I think so.

...did young Stephen sicken, and did young Stephen die?

And did the sad hearts thicken, and did the mourners cry?

Isn't she doing good? She is doing so good.

She's precious...

...impaired the sacred name Of Stephen Dowling Botes...


Thank you.

Come on, Oral, you chicken or something?

Mary John!

Excuse me!

Why are you not at the assembly?

I was using the bathroom.

I'm on my way, Mrs. Tripp!

Hey, Mary John, did you forget your brush?

Get to the assembly!

Mary John, you stay right here, I need to talk to you about your mathematics grade.

I thought you knew your math better than that.

Have you been working with your tutor?

Your mother told me you were working with the tutor, Mary John!

If I run real fast, I probably can make it.

Go ahead and try, Oral.

Do you want to fight me instead?

You wanna fight me? No.

But I'm not gonna run anymore.

You wanna fight, go ahead.

"Stopping by Woods on a Snowy Evening" by Robert Frost Whose woods these are I think I know His house is in the village though...

He will not see me...

You're lucky I don't wanna mess my hair up.

Or I'd beat you up some more right now.


What the hell is that crazy thing?

I dare you.

He gives his harness bells a shake To ask if there...

I bet Aurelie can beat these girls.

I can't believe it. You never hold my hand.

That was the old me.

This is the new.

"Casey at the Bat" by Ernest L. Thayer.

The outlook wasn't brilliant for the Mudville nine that day, The score stood four to two, but with one inning more to play.

And then when Cooney died at first, and Barrows did the same...

Where's 13 and 14?

13 and 14, we're ready for you!

Where...? Where's Orila?

I think she went to the bathroom, I'll just go get her...

No, Greta, we have an audience out there, somebody has to go on!

But I'm scared!

You'll be okay, Lydia. You're gonna be lucky number 13!

Lucky number!

I'm gonna go raise the mike for you.

Come on, Lydia, you can do this.

Just show Mrs. Jacks what you got.

It's almost over, where's Aurelie?


flying high...

You know how I feel...

Sun... in the sky...

You know how I feel...

It's a new dawn...

It is a new day...

It's a new life for me...

Fish... in the sea...

You know how I feel...

Rivers running free...

You know how I feel...

Blossoms... on the trees...

You know how I feel...

It's a new dawn.

It's a new day.

It's a new life for me.

And I'm feeling good.

And this old world is a new world, and a bold world for me.

And now Mrs. Florence Jacks...

I shall now read the winners.

My decision is irrevocable.

You're lucky I don't wanna mess up my hair right now.

Or I'd beat you up some more.

Third place...

Petey McMichaels, 25 dollars!

Second place...

Kelly Keester, 50 dollars!

Miss Kelly Keester, 50 dollars, United States Savings Bond!

Kelly Keester!

Second place is very good.

First place with complete originality like Mark Twain...

Lydia Johnson!

Yes! Yes, yes, yes!

75 dollars!

Yeah, louder! Come on!

Yes, yes, yes, Lydia!

Yes, Lydia!

Thank you!

This is the end of our assembly!


Lydia, you did it!

I can't believe it's 75 bucks!

You think I'm gonna give you my money?

No. See, you don't know me.

I'll let you have some.

Go fix your hair if you hate yourself, and you're so desperate.

But I think it looks okay.

I don't care about my hair anymore.

You keep it. You earned it!

What are you doing?

What are you doing?

I don't care what the honkies are gonna say!


Those honkies can kiss my ass!

You look beautiful.

You don't have hair like that.

You'll never have hair like that.

Maybe you're good-looking... and maybe you're not.

But you're still alive.

You can do it!

Yes! Come on!

You can do it, Jim!

Come on, Dad, jump! Yes, yes!

Come on, Dad, dump it!

Throw it away!

Come on, Dad!

You did it!

Look at your beautiful bald head!

You look like a dolphin.


Come on, flipper.

We did it!

I love you guys.