Pigs (2007) Script

Cleaver: She's going, "I can't, I can't"

I'm like, "Come on, Patty, why not?"

And then she says, "Because my teeth are jagged"

What a fuckin' freak, can you believe that shit?

What was she doing down there if she wasn't going to put it in?

Hey, Miles

Miles: Gentlemen, I have just enjoyed my first threesome Various: Ooh's and Aaah's Whoo!

Are these the Quinn twins?

You son of a bitch, you got double teamed by the fabulous Quinn twins

Dude, you been on such a wicked tear lately, man Weren't you with that blonde fuckin' hottie just last week?

That's right, Tommy Debbie Zimmerman Wasn't her box completely shaved?

He likes the clean biscuit Miles: You don't mind it either Tommy: What about that freaky-ass chick from a couple weeks ago?

Anita Kahn Anita Kahn She had a stellar body Cleaver: Gave you all three inputs if I recall Nothin' wrong with a little mud on the old helmet

Cleaver: Miles, Anita Kahn Is that Kahn as in James Caan, or Kahn as in wrath of?

Wrath of, why?

Well, Quinn, Zimmerman, Kahn The "Q","Z", and the "K", those gotta be the most difficult letters in the whole alphabet Right?

I guess

Look, I gotta get this down on paper, while it's still fresh I'll see you strugglers later You still keep a record of every chick he bangs?

Oh yeah, bangs, hummers, hand jobs, ass play, you name it It's all in the journals Fuck, dude, how does he do it?

Some guys they're just born with it And the rest of us well, we have to wait around for the jagged tooth retards

Adios, ladies Hey, don't lock me out again Cleaver: Fuck off!

Miles: Oh Ben, I'm sorry Nice! Snappin' one off, are we?

Leave him alone!

Big deal, like he's the only one that's beatin' his eggs in this place?

It is a big deal to him All right? He's not like you, thank God He's shy Cleaver: And is that my fuckin' problem? Come on, Miles That fuckin' pussy has gotta start acting like one of the guys sooner or later Miles: Yeah, I know, but just don't bust his balls when he comes back Yes, Mom Can I see the picture again?

Are you going to bust his balls?

No No!

Don't lick it!

CMFU, Campus Radio Cleaver: In less than a month, you railed a "Q", a "Z" and a "K"

I still can't get over that Miles: Yup You know with those letters out of the way, you could probably hoink the entire alphabet before you graduate I mean, If you haven't already

Who was before the Kahn?

Let's see what the good book has to say We had Tanya Anderson, Debbie Spinoza; before that we had Marcia Springer and Sue HmmSue, uh Sutinsky I gotta write slower, but it definitely starts with an "S"

Okay, so that's like three "S"s Okay what a waste Who would have thought the "S"s were such sluts Hmm

Why don't you do it, man?

Why don't you do the entire alphabet?

Fuck off!

No, no, just listen, listen Using your books, and some of those pictures that you've taken, we figure out which letters you've already gotten since, like, first semester Then we figure out which letters you have to get before you graduate, I don't know, to make it complete And what for?

Because we could parlay a poontang quest like this into some major coin, that's what for You mean actually take bets on this?

Hell yeah

You know, don't take this the wrong way, but I don't think I want to get involved in any of your gimmicks Fuck, Miles!

Is it the battery?

It's the battery

Do you know what you're doing?

I like to think so Here, hand me that file Thanks

Here, try that, that should work

Try that, that should work

You should really get the battery replaced Yeah, I've been told I should get the battery


Thanks Cleaver: Now, there are two months left before Miles graduates, and according to his diaries, these are the letters he's already gotten And these are the ten letters he has yet to get Now there will be an overall bet whether he completes the whole alphabet or not Those are 30 to 1 odds, as well as side bets for each individual letter The tougher the letter, the greater the odds Who decides which are the tough letters?

Common sense does Okay, names starting with "M"s and "N"s, they're a lot more common than those starting with "U"s and "V"s, so "U"s and "V"s would be the tougher letters And let us not forget the mother of all tough letters, the dreaded "X"

I think it'd be impossible to meet an "X", let alone fuck one, so the odds on the "X" are already 10 to 1 Am I going too fast for anyone here?

Big Eddie: If you're serious, I definitely want in on this action Cleaver: I'm glad to hear that, but, uh there's just one, teeny, weenie little setback What's that?

Miles ain't exactly agreed to do this yet Okay, let me get this straight You want me to carry a camera with me at all times, no matter where I go, find girls whose last names start with specific letters of the alphabet, have sex with them, and either talk them into letting me take their picture, or if they're not into it wait around till they've fallen asleep, then very quietly take a picture of them without waking them up, and then bring the picture back here as proof for you strugglers Yeah, is that going to be a problem for you?

No, I just wanted to make sure I got it straight I can't believe I'm actually witnessing this Hey, even if you ain't bettin', Mr Nice guy, you gotta keep your mouth shut Ben: Says who?

Big Eddie: Says me, bitch

All right, gentlemen, let the games begin!

# When I walked the hot ass fucks

# And they go all the way

# When I talk the chicks all gawk

# 'Cause they just wanna play

# As for me

# It's all about quality

# Easily

# I'll do 'em from "A" to "Z"

# When skirts drop I open shop

# And night turns into day

# Four feet under my sheets...

Miles: Gentlemen, I'd like to introduce you to someone The "O"

Any way you look at it, it's still an "O"

Got 'em Got 'em Need 'em Got 'em Need 'em Got 'em Got 'em Got 'em Need 'em

# Do them from "A" to "Z"

# Line 'em up

# I'll shoot them down

# One by one

# They'll go downtown

# yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah!

# As for me

# It's all about quality

# Easily

# I'll do 'em from "A" to "Z"

# As for me

# It's all about quality

# Easily Miles: In all the letters, this is going to be the bitch of the bunch So, let me see if I got these names right You're Tiffany Smith, right? Yep And your friend here is Michelle Noonan?

Noonan, yeah Michelle Noonan?

Now that's not with a "G" or a "P" or anything, is it?

No! It's "N", for Noonan

"N" for Noonan Miles: Need 'em Got em Got em Need 'em Got 'em Got 'em Time

Man: Don't forget, everyone, Friday's tutorial is cancelled Please read chapters 9 through 11, they will be on the test

Excuse me?


Um I was just wondering if, uh

if you knew if we had a tutorial on Friday No, the prof said it was cancelled Oh, that's right, he did, didn't he?

Oh, I'm Ben Gabrielle Nice to meet you, Ben

Oh wait! I think you forgot your book!

Man on TV: It's guaranteed to put the fire back in your firearm!

Sergeant Rock-Dick gives you a major woody in your private parts.

Miles: That was a complete waste of sweat Not one decent piece of tail in the entire gym Cleaver: Oh, I'm sorry, brother Guess what? I made new charts Miles: Yeah, you're missing the "P"


Miles: The "P" Yeah, I railed her a while back She was between the "C" and the "I"

What the hell is that?

That is a wicked shit I took while you were in class I thought you might want to see it That's disgusting There she is The "P"

She's been hounding me ever since Oh, send that nag my way, I'll do her silly She ain't worth the hassle Pass me a highlighter Here you go Thanks So, any new prospects?

Miles: I'm seeing an "N" tonight Nice Yeah

"N" being for Whoa!

Chewbacca, what's with all the fur?

What are you talking about?

Cleaver: Uh, your pubes man, Don't you trim 'em up?

Ben: No Well, you should, sasquatch Why the hell would I do that?

Aside from the obvious, because chicks dig it, that's why You're nuts What do you need all that extra padding down there for, anyways?

Oh, I forgot, excessive masturbation Fuck off, Cleaver!

Fuck off, Cleaver!

Miles, does he always have to be here?

Miles, does he always have to be here?

Look if you're so in fuckin' love with him why don't you move in?


Cleaver: Fuck, I'm just trying to help the guyout, okay?

Fine, you tell him, because Chia-dick here thinks it's still 1979

In his disturbed way, Cleaver does have a point, Benny I mean, all the guys are trimming it up Girls have been doing it forever and now they expect the favour to be returned

Nah, you guys you guys are just fucking with me, you want me you want me to shave down there so that you can tell all the guys and they'll make fun of me

Something's gonna begin...

Cleaver: Loose now, motherfucker!


Cleaver: What?

My pouch, look how smooth it is, It's nice, right?

It looks like raw turkey Oh, it fuckin' does Ben: You're sick!

Cleaver: Oh, I'm sick Okay, If a chick's going to lick a ball sack, do you think she's going to like this or your fucking bird's nest?

Ben: This is by far the gayest fucking day of my life Okay, it's not gay, Benji, it's physics

Come on, Benny, a confident hetero shouldn't be afraid to whip out the old yam bag to prove a point Does part of being a confident hetero mean you have to sleep with 26 different women for money?

Uh, I'm just trying to help you out Fuck

Oh my God, look at the water spots all over my glass

You know, Michelle, if you want to go somewhere else we can just No, it's okay I'm sure it's clean It's spotty, but clean Waiter: Is this a better table?

Mmm May I take your drink order?


I'll have a white wine spritzer Oh, with Sprite, not soda Sprite A glass of your house red, please Red wine?

That's so gross, it totally stains your teeth

Michelle: Can we order dinner now?

Of course Miles, you go first, I'm still looking at the menu

Ah, okay Um Yeah, I'll have the Porterhouse, medium, with a loaded baked potato Great You eat meat?

How can you do that to those poor, furry little animals?

I ordered a steak, it's cows aren't furry or little You better watch yourself What goes around comes around You may be reincarnated as a cow With some big oaf sticking a fork into you

And for the lady?

Oh, I'll have the tuna fillet and your house salad Oh, with the dressing on the side Back with your drinks Uh, I don't get it You don't eat meat but you ordered a tuna steak I didn't order a tuna steak, I ordered a tuna fillet Okay, but, my point Michelle: And tuna's not meat I have a very clear rule I never eat anything with faces And fish don't have faces Only profiles

Thank you Ugh So, what's the story with that car of yours?

What's wrong with my car?

It's a relic!

It's a classic A Porsche is a classic Yours is a fossil When we were driving here I felt like I was driving to church with my grandpa Okay, that's enough All right?

I can't take any more of your constant complaining I don't have to take this from an "N"

I could throw a bun and hit another "N"

Maybe if you were an "X" or a "U"

But an "N"? You've got to be kidding me Take a cab home, if you can find one you like

And I'm taking this

Wendy, hey! What a surprise What are you doing here?

Well, um I just haven't heard from you in a while I called a couple times but I guess you've been pretty busy Yeah, I've, uh I've been a little preoccupied, you could say I guess Well here, I, uh I baked you a pie A pie? Yeah Wow, wow, that's swell It's a peach pie, so "P" could be for peach, or for Peterson, right?

"P" for Peterson Yes, sir Uh, you shouldn't have I wanted to

Hey, you want to go maybe grab a coffee or something?

Well, you know, I'm, uh I'm pretty bagged, and, uh, I've already had a pretty rough night, so Well, if it's something you want to talk about Not really No, thanks though Okay, um Well good night?

Yeah, yeah, good night I mean, pie Wow Peach pie I'll give you call later, see how you liked the Pie

Did you know you have no face?

That's right, you only have profiles

Not only that, I got a psycho Betty Crocker hanging outside my room Well I'm telling you buddy, for a lunatic, she makes a kick-ass pie I just hope she didn't poison it

Where's Benny?

Oh, I think he's at the pub with the guys

Fuck it, it's early, I still may be able to grab a stat You coming?

Cleaver: Yeah, I don't mind getting my horn scraped tonight Miles: Roadie?

Cleaver: Don't mind if I do Cleaver: Your camera Oh, thanks Oh shit, the "P's" back!

Fuck! No

You should've seen the look on your face This is my shit I am so getting some pussy!

All I ask is that you don't get anything on that shirt I'm not going to get anything on your shirt

Miles: Where's the crew?

Lot of nice talent here tonight, ah?

Not too shabby

Next pitcher's on me How you doin' Ben Chia-dick

Hi, I'm Miles Hi, Rebecca Nice to meet you, Rebecca Nice to meet you

You got a last name, Rebecca?

Stenson Sorry?

Stenson Barmaid: $1250

That's a shame

Oh Hey, Miles, how about that girl over there with the big breasts?

Whoa, check out the crazy funbags on that chick!

That's nice Those are so mine Those are so fuckin' yours No, I was pointing her out for Miles!

No, I was pointing her out for Miles Grow up, fuck Dude, dude, dude, check it out That's the girl that fixed my car

No, you don't want her, Miles, you know what they say: "Good from far is far from good", right?

I've seen her up close, Benny She's good She's real good

So, what you doin' here, hero?

You finished three pumpin' the "N" yet?

You guys done strugglin' on the dance floor yet?

It's the fuckin' "P"

Great Cleaver: So what are you going to do?

Miles: It's the "P", man, I can't get rid of the fuckin' "P"

Probably should get your prostate checked Thanks, I'll look into that, Doogie Jackass

God, I mean, first the "N's" a bust, then I've got this psycho baking me a pie?

Miles: And those strugglers are bustin' my balls Busting my balls Take a pill man, relax, all right?

Whatever, but I can't face that P-sycho twice in one night Okay, well, you're going to have to go solo, because I'm staying right here and hitting on that girl with the great big boobs All right Well, come by the bomb shelter after you strike out That's not funny!


How you doin'?

Huh? Huh?

Hey, Ben!



Why don't you take your fucking balls out of your purse and go talk to her?

So what do you call the other one?


This doesn't have your phone number on it Hi, remember me?

Gabrielle: It's Ben, right? From Ethics?


Gabrielle: Do you want to sit down?

Sure, if you don't mind

I'm going to walk around for a bit Bye It was nice meeting you

So, how about that test we got on Friday?

I know, I'm going to be at the library for a week for that one

Hey, Cleaver Hey, Benji

Why are you looking like the cat that just got his dick sucked?

Did you fucking talk to that girl?

Yeah, I talked to her Fuck outta here Really? Seriously Fuck Nice!

You talk, uh, to big guns yet?

Uhh Check it out I take it you're in I'm so fuckin' in

Ben: Sergeant Rock-Dick?

Cleaver, what's this?

Oh, that is thunder in a pill, my flaccid friend You see, Benji, you only get one chance to make a first impression, and I am going to make mine a lasting one Shit, Cleaver, is that safe?

Not for her Cleaver: So you live here alone, or?

Woman: No Cleaver: So you got a roommate?

Woman: Yeah, I got a roommate Cleaver: Guy or girl?

It's a girl Yeah?

You know, you really didn't have to walk me back Hey, no, no that's okay, 'cause, you know, there's a lot of dicks around here So Yeah, there is a lot of dicks around here Yeah Well anyway, this is it, so This is it, huh? Yeah, I'll see you around, okay?

Vikki, um Can I can I come in for a drink or something?

It's really late I have to get up early tomorrow Yeah Oh, uh, okay No, I really don't want to be so blunt But uh Hmm?

You're about to waste a perfectly good diamond cutter here, babe That is disgusting It's not disgusting, It's physics Fuck! Fuck!

Can I call you tomorrow?



Cleaver: Hey! Having a good time tonight?

Things are looking up I like your shirt Well, it likes you Really?

Really Looks like somebody's had enough to drink, huh?

Never enough I've got lots to drink at my place Really?

You coming?

Oh, fuck yeah, I'm coming

Those are interesting pants

Can you show me how they come off?

Cleaver: You know, I gotta say, I love what you did with the place Girl: Oh yeah? Oh!

Oh shit Oh!

I spilled on you know what? I think we're going to have to get this shirt off Yeah? Oh!

Ohh, I spilled on you I think that's going to have to come off Really? Yeah Yes!

Oh my God, Miles Stacy Usher

Stacy: Oh, Miles Oh, "U"

Stacy: Oh yes Oh!

Stacy Usher

Miles: Who's Stacy Swanson?

Stacy: I am Oh!

Miles: I thought you said your name was Usher Stacy: It is

Okay, hang on, you're confusing me I'm kind of drunk, I don't have a whole lot of blood going to my brain right now

My mom got re-married so I go by both What's the name on your birth certificate?

Stacy: Don't stop Stacy, what does the name on your birth certificate say?

Swanson, why?

What's wrong?

Nothing Another "S"

Cleaver: Oh yeah, who's your Daddy, oh, oh, oh!

That's right That's right! Who's your Daddy?

Oh, oh! Git along, little doggie, whoo!

What's the matter, what's the matter?

You okay?

What's wrong?

You don't look so good What's wrong?

Cleaver: Fuck! Oh!

Oh fuck!

All right, all right uh Let's just finish this up doggie-style No babe Wait, I gotta get behind you Cleaver: Ben Benji

I had sex with a girl last night And she puked, all over me

Good morning, sunshine Ben: What the fuck Cleaver?

And it went a little something like this Ben: Fuck off!

Asshole Cleaver: How about you, stallion? Any letters last night?

Miles: I was railin' a "U"


She turned into an "S"

Damn those "S"s Miles: I know Cleaver: Fuck!

Hey, man, what the fuck?

Dude, these are sacred documents, all right?

Not to be desecrated by the likes of you

Okay, relax Don't be worrying about your precious little diaries here What you should be worrying about are these last three letters Okay, tell me Miles, where are you going to find an "X", huh?

You know, my entire life, I haven't even met an "X"

How about you, afro-sac? You know any "X"s?

Uh, no No, I don't know any "X"s Then go back to sleep

You know, this whole buckshot approach has gotten us pretty far But we don't have a snowball's chance of finding an "X" and a "U" this way What do you suggest?

Leave the "X" and the "U" to me

All right, well you set up the pins, and I'll knock 'em down

Another puker, huh?


You weren't wearing my Your shirt? Yeah You don't want that back No

Dr Henson never takes his questions from that book Hey, Ben Hey How are you? Good I thought you might be here Oh yeah?

Yeah This test Friday, it's going to be a bugger, isn't it?

I know Yeah I like to come to this part of the library for absolute quiet Me too Oh, I meant what I said, though Henson never takes his questions from that book Really? Yeah Thanks, Ben Will you share your notes with me?

I'd love you, I'd love to

Cleaver: Ah! The bible Miles: You five-fingered bastard That's the directory I know, but when there's $10,000 on the line, I can get pretty crafty Gentlemen Hey, Benny Anyways, I already looked through it, okay, and there's only three "X"s on the entire campus Ouch I know, there's two Xu's, and one Xeropopple, whatever, it's a Greek name, I think Are you guys still doing that stupid alphabet game?

No, Benny, this is another one How would you feel if someone did this to one of your mothers?

I'd like to do it to his mother Fucker!

Anyways, those Xu's they have like, fucked up first names, so I'm not even sure if either of them is female Actually, their names kind of sound similar to those Chinese pandas But I'm guessing they're not related Probably not Anyways the Greek, I'm pretty sure that she's female I mean, Gabrielle, that's a chick's name, right?

Miles: What faculty is the Greek in?

Uh, she's in vets Okay, I looked into her Okay?

Her class isn't till Monday, she lives off Campus, so I'm thinking in the meantime, we look for the "U"s and the "N"s on campus Miles: Why don't we just focus on the "U"s, man, we can find "N" anywhere


Hello, how are you doing today?

I'm fine Is your name, Miss Unger?

I'm so busy right now, I mean It'll just take a second, I just have a couple questions to ask you I'm so sorry, I'm studying and I'm really in a focus mode Are you single?


Miles: Is focus mode like, code for bitch?

Cleaver: Are you single?

No No, you're not, okay No, you're not But do you believe in premarital s Robin is that with a "Y" or with an "I", Miss Upshaw?

Oh no, I'm not Robin Upshaw, that's my roommate That's great Thank you for your time Can I help you with something else?

Uh, what's your name?

Stephanie Stephanie Newman

Stephanie Newman with an "N"


Hi Hi, are you Angela Uverik?

Yeah that's correct Um What's that?

Actually, I'm just doing a survey Guys, I'm not really dressed for it, why don't you come in?

I got I got this one You're looking kind of tired Hi Hi I'm Miles Hi Nice to meet you Angela

Miles: The "U"

Bring on the "X"

Giddy up


Miles: Now how do we find her?

Hey, buddy, do you know a Gabrielle Xeropoppa-

Xeropopolous Yeah Sure, she's still in the lecture hall Can't miss her Thanks Top gun

Oh dude, I'm not liking my odds at all Oh, there's only one way to find out Cleaver: Gabrielle!

Miles: Holy crap Cleaver: What?

Dude, that's her That's the girl that fixed my car, the one from the pub Oh, the one that Ben's sweet on What?

You really dodged the bullet there, I mean, she's nice She's a damn sight better than nice Shit, I'd do her if she was another "S" Okay, here she comes

Did you just call me?

No Yes You don't remember me You fixed my car Uh, the red T-bird Oh, right, did you replace the battery yet?

Not yet, but she's running great, and I wanted to track you down and thank you and take you out to dinner You don't have to do that, it was no big deal I'm Miles, by the way Gabrielle And I'm Cleaver, just in case you were wondering Hi - Gabrielle, that's nice Thanks, my friends call me Gabby All right, Gabby I said, my friends call me Gabby Cleaver: Burn Hey Hey This is Fran Fran this is Cleaver, at your service Gabrielle: Right This is my roommate, this is Miles and Cleaver Hi Hi Miles: So what do you say?

You don't have to take me to dinner, it was no big deal Are you are you kidding me? I mean You're turning down a free dinner?

Nothing's free We could make it a foursome Huh?

I have to study for a test I have tomorrow, and then I have to go to work Miles: Great, I'll come by your work I work at Taylor's Automotive, it's not exactly conducive to visitors Okay, tomorrow night Fran: Someone's a tad eager Gabrielle: Actually, Fran and I planned a movie night with the girls, so maybe we'll just play it by ear Okay?

Okay See ya Okay Gabrielle: See ya

I think she's gay Yep, I mean what else could it be?

Do you think she's doing her roommate?

I would pay cash money to see some of that live lesbo action See, now, that'd make sense I mean, movie night with the girls? Pfft!

Tell me that's not code for wild lesbian pillow fight night with the girls And how about the clincher, she's a mechanic, for Chrissake? God

Well this is ass!

And here I thought this girl was going to give you all three inputs, I mean, she's Greek They're into that, you know?

This is ass I mean she's beautiful, she's playing hard to get, and she's an "X"?

It's dripping with irony when you think of it Yeah Well, if anybody can get her, it's you, Kemo Sabe

Yeah you're right No more Mr fucking Nice guy It's time to bring out the big guns Big guns Big guns!

Big guns! Big guns!

Big guns!

You guys are so fuckin' pathetic

How long's he been here?

I don't know Big guns Oh yeah


Gabrielle, hey! How's it going?

Hi, Miles Hi

So uh, you still doing that uh, girl that girl night, thing, tonight?

Yeah, that's still the plan

I think we should go out tomorrow night I'm working tomorrow At the mechanic shop?

Yeah Right You should really have some sunscreen on You don't want to get skin cancer See ya!

See ya

Yup She's definitely a rug muncher Trainer: All right, Ben, what we're going to do over here is try to get you on a muscle building program You know, get your body used to the idea of coming to a gym, working out, lifting weights Actually, have you ever been to the gym before?

Oh yeah, I just took a couple months off All right, well, this shouldn't be any problem for you then, tough guy

Miles, what are you doing here?

Are you trying to get me fired?

Well, Gabby, If you're not going to let me take you to dinner, I'm taking dinner to you

I can't believe this is happening I'm sorry, am I embarrassing you?

Miles, my boss is going to be back any second Then let me take you to dinner Okay, pack this up and I'll let you take me for dinner When?

I don't know Oh! I hope you like cheese!

Okay, how about Saturday?

Saturday's good Okay Here, let me write down my number I finish work at 6:00 on Saturday and you can pick me up at 8:00 There

8:00 it is

I'm in with the "X" Fuck off!

I'm In with the "X" I'm in with the "X"

Oh, I'm in with the "X"

What the fuck does that mean?

Well, Bennyit means I'm in with the "X"

Let me see So she doesn't eat from the bushy plate after all?

Miles: Hey, apparently not, we're hooking up Saturday Nice How could she resist your charms?

Yeah, there but for the grace of Miles goes God Hey, I like that I'm going to use that, Ben Miles: What's up?

No Just Just when you nab the "X", I mean, it's over Oh, come on, there will be other contests

Sweet victory I can't wait to see Sylvie and Big Eddie's faces right after I rail the "X"

Aren't you ever worried about catching a fucking disease or something?

No, Benny Never shower without a raincoat Oh, you know what? I'm just about out Cleaver: I got some domer-domers you can use Thanks, but I'd rather use ones that weren't bought in grade nine Cleaver: Uh, they're new, jackass I wear a minimum of three I mean, it cuts off the sensation and makes my dick look bigger Uggh!

Hello Uh, sorry, Miles isn't here right now Oh, this is his roommate, Benji He's so busy Wendy? I'll tell him you called Fuck off, Cleaver Okay, bye-bye, Cleaver: Hey, Ben, come back to bed!

Ben: Fuck off!

The friggin' "P" She's like a curse!

Cleaver: Okay, brother, brother, okay Let's not worry about her, okay?

We gotta keep the positive energy flowing Miles: Soon, my pretty Ohh, yes Miles? Yeah?

There's a lot of money at stake here I know Okay, what I mean is that, okay, if we don't win this contest, and by we, I mean, you, I can't cover the bets alone How much money are we talking about?

Oh, I don't, I don't know, um something in the neighborhood of $30,000 What? $30,000 as in, three, and four zeros? That $30,000?

That's it How?

Well, the odds on the "X" are through the fuckin' roof, I mean every guy in rez has taken action on it I mean, when she rejected you the first time, I mean, they more than doubled And the fact that she's so stinkin' hot made them double again and again Then fuck 'em, fuck 'em all It'll make my victory that much sweeter Cleaver: I love you Yeah, I love me, too There by the grace of Miles goes God Yeah, I like that

Gabrielle: Come in!

Hello, it's Miles You haven't forgotten about me, have ya?

Gabrielle: No, I'll just be a second All right, I'm just going to go through your stuff Gabrielle: Hey!

I'm kiddin' I'll just wait out here

Can I help you?

No, um, hi I Gabrielle was just talking to me and I was, um just waiting for our date Uh-huh Miles: Fran, I swear to God, I didn't I didn't even know she was there Oh, of course you didn't

Sorry to keep you waiting Hey, no biggie!

All right! You guys have met, right?

Yeah, and I'm learning so much more by the second Okay! We better go Okay, good night, hon Good night Don't be late, I'll wait up Gabrielle: Okay

Hey it's Saturday night, and if you're like me and have nothin' better to do than listen to me, I can help you feel cool on CMFU, campus radio

# Becoming what I hate

# To have sex on the first date, yeah!

# The party's on tonight

# I'm heterosexually just right

# If you're looking gay you don't have to try

# you don't gotta try

# Tonight is my night

# For muscle for shine

# The sluts will be mine

# So bring on the shit

# So bring on the shit

# The party's on tonight

# you dirty motherfuckers!

# The party's on tonight

# I'm heterosexually just right

May I start you off with drinks?

Uh, yeah, do you like red wine?

I love it Great A bottle of your house red, please Gabrielle: Thank you Thanks

Miles: Am I keeping you up? I'm keeping you up, aren't I?

Excuse me, no, sorry It's work Honest That must be tough, you know, going to school and working at the same time It is, but I don't have much of a choice How about you?

Miles: Work? Not really I mean, I lifeguard in the summer But I don't work during the school year Gabrielle: And saving lives at the beach pays all your bills?

No, it doesn't, I'm on a scholarship Gabrielle: Really What kind?

Academic Wow Didn't realize I was on a date with a brainiac Yeah I'm full of surprises Yeah? I don't know if that's a good thing or a bad thing You can decide later Waiter: Ready to order?

I'll have a nine ounce steak with a loaded baked potato, and can you cook it medium?

Waiter: That's great Yeah I mean, make it two


Cheers Cheers

Hey, baby, why don't come back here and tryout my jackhammer?

Yeah where you goin', don't you know mustache rides are free?

Eat this, assholes Yeah, keep walkin' ya stupid whore Sounds like you boys need a lesson in manners from

The Menstrual Avenger!

Male cartoon character: Manners? I'll eat you and your manners for breakfast!

What's up?

Guys: Ah!

We'll see, we'll see

I guess it does look a little bigger


So, how'd it go?

First base, second base, third?

Oh come on, Miles, on a scale of one to ten, how'd it go?

It was the best ever What? You fucked her? Nice!

So you were just bullshitting with the guys out there?

That was a nice touch Okay, uh, you got the picture?

I didn't even touch her I didn't even kiss her She gave me a peck on the cheek, though What? Oh, that's fuckin' gay Did you at least remember to tip her chaperone?

I can't remember having a more fantastic time Well gee son, I'm so glad you and your little lady friend had such a peachy time Oh, we're going out again Yeah? So you'll fuck her next time You can't hoink every broad on the first night, that's what I always say, huh?

Sure, whatever, I don't feel like talking about this Sure, whatever Why not?

No, I don't think she's the right girl for the contest You don't think she's the right girl for the contest?

Fine You know Don't fuck her then Go fuck one of those Chinese pandas Frankly I don't give a rat's ass who you fuck anymore as long as their last name starts with an "X"

Miles, fuck we need it soon, I can't take the stress no more, I'm up to two packs of Rolaids a day, I think I'm getting an ulcer Cleaver What?

I'll get an "X"

Which "X"?

I don't know, but I'll find an "X"

Okay Okay? Okay All right? But it's late Okay And I'm tired Okay Okay?

Okay Okay Okay, I'll see you at breakfast Okay So you didn't even feel her up Okay Okay

Hey, Ben Hi, you

You smell good Really? I showered after my workout You look totally different Did you get all new clothes over the weekend?

What, these old rags?

Nah, I've had this 'drobe forever

Ben? Sorry Here

Miles Hello, Fran She's not ready yet Okay, I'll, uh just wait out here Come on in Maybe if you time it right you can walk in on her when she's about to pee You're never going to let me live that down, are you?

You're lucky she likes you

Fran: These are my friends, Abby and Stacy Miles: Hi Hi Hi!

Hey Hello Are you okay, Miles? Miles: Yeah!

Fine, it's a nice day Fran: You look pale No Pale? No I'm good I'm good

Gabrielle: Sorry I'm late Miles: Hey, no biggie Don't worry about it We should go, though We should Okay Yeah Did you Yeah Hi, yeah Oh! Okay See you guys later

# Love came from behind

# And opened up my eyes

# To a world of rainbow skies

# Oh, I thought I'd never find

# I'm not the nicest guy

# But this chick blows my mind

# And her smile makes me high

# She makes my heart cry

# Love bent me over

# Tore out my insides

# Filled me up with her goodness

# Now I'm a one-chick guy

# I'm a one-chick guy

# Oh, I'm a one-chick guy

# Oh, I'm a one-chick guy...

Miles: No No, Gabrielle, that's amazing Thanks You can call me Gabby now

Hey, Benny I might be bringing Gabby back here tonight, her roommate's a bit of a ball buster, so perhaps you could make yourself scarce and not be here?

That would be nice And where the hell am I supposed to go?

Did you ever think that for just one second I might be bringing a girl back here?

No Okay, listen Here, there's $10, $20 Go see a movie Go see a couple of movies Huh? A couple of movies I gotta run

Hello No, Wendy, he isn't here I don't know, he's, uh

He's gone right now but he'll be back later And uh, I won't be here, I'm going to be gone all night Yeah, okay Bye

Picnic basket right Miles: Holy crap

Gabrielle: I should go Miles: Please don't leave I have no idea what's going on here No You need to sort this out And I gotta go

Wendy, what are you doing here?

Are you here for Ben?

Do you know that I was actually stupid enough to think that you might have liked me?

Yeah, listen, Wendy Wendy: Don't "Listen, Wendy" me You're happy you got your fuck, right?

Wendy, it's not like that Wendy: It's exactly like that, asshole You had your fun and you don't care who gets hurt God, I can't believe I was so stupid I can't believe I liked you I can't believe I baked you a pie

Man: You're going the wrong way, honey!

What just happened?

Some of your stats coming back to haunt you there, Miles?

Not now, Ben Yep, you love women, don't you?

You love the way they look You love the way they fuck But as soon as you blow your load, that's it The love affair's over, isn't it?

Okay, who blew their load?

Miles You got the "X"

Cleaver: Miles and Xeropopolous sittin' in a tree F- U-C-K-I-N "X"!


Cleaver: Don't leave me hangin' brother, give me the picture!

Okay, uh, well I looked into those Chinese pandas and I got some bad news One of them turns out to be a fuckin' guy, and the other one's been, like, deported or something

'cause no one can seem to find her Cleaver Cleaver: Okay, Miles We're "T" minus two weeks but we're still in pretty good shape But, brother, honestly I think you should have railed the "X" by now Miles: Gabrielle?

Yeah she has name, it's Gabrielle It's not "X"

Okay Gabrielle So when are we fucking Gabrielle?

Miles: Aw, Jesus Christ, don't, Cleaver Listen It's over, it's over Take your contest and get out, would you?

What are you talking about, It's not over No! Take it and get out

What the Oh, this fuckin' sucks You want you want to piss away a legendary stat quest and all that fuckin' money for some tighty that's your call

Man, what happened to you? You used to be cool

Fuck! And take that fuckin' smirk off your face, man

Cleaver: Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck!

I'm going to assume this sabotage is all you're doing?

She's going to find out about you sooner or later Miles: I love her, Ben Please Miles: I love her Ben: You don't even know what that is Oh, and you do Huh?

Cleaver told me about the crush you have on her, man It's obvious But here's a shocker, she's not interested in you And no matter how much of my cologne you steal, or how much you swifty up your look, you'll always be you And you know what? I'll always be me You're so fucking conceited Miles: Ben, she's out of your league And you know what, the sooner you realize that, the happier you'll be

Hey, listen, Gabby, about last night Don't bother, Miles No, listen, I have this whole speech planned, just let me get through it Okay?

Oh, and did that girl help you write it?

Miles: Look she was just someone that I dated once, but there was no chemistry so we didn't date again But she just sleeps in your bed when you're not there You don't believe me, do you?

Gabrielle: I don't know Listen, I'm not seeing anyone else I don't want to see anyone else I don't want you seeing anyone else

Miles, my ex-boyfriend was a player He was cheating on me the whole time we were together and I had no idea I don't need another guy like that

I'm going to regret this No you won't

Miles: Hello? Hello?


Who was it?

They hung up

Ben, I think you're a really great guy And I like you a lot Just not more than a friend You don't even know Miles I know enough What about Wendy?

He explained Wendy And you're okay with that?

Ben, all I care about is what goes on with Miles and I from this point forward, okay?

We'll still be friends?


Okay, listen Ben We've been buds all year, right?

And I hate losing friends over girls, 'cause nine times out of ten it ain't worth it Generally speaking I think you're a good guy, I do, and that's why I'm not too proud of the things I said to you the other day But I think you had it coming for that stunt you pulled Okay, that's about as mushy as I'm going to get so you can take it or leave it

All right, now don't get all fruity on me Where you headed?

Dumpster, then laundry You need anything thrown out?

No No? Okay I'll see you at dinner

Miles: Oh, and Ben?

I really do love her Man: Miles, you fucking cock Where's my fucking money?

Miles: Fuck you

Ben: I'm sorry, but, I thought you had to know

It's a game He's trying to fuck the entire alphabet and you're the "X"

Gabrielle: I can't believe this Miles: Silvio, I think something died in your room Silvio: Huh? Miles: Yeah It's not right It's so not natural Your room, my eyes, they're bleeding Silvio: Nice underwear, faggot Hey, Gabby, wh

You little fucker Don't blame him, you evil prick Now listen, Gabby it's not You want to fuck an "X"?

Gabrielle: You go fuck a xylophone!

Wait! Gabby, wait, Gabby Miles: Look, Gabby, I can explain It's Gabrielle to you, asshole Okay, fine, Gabrielle It's not what you think, Okay? My feelings for you are real Those other girls, they didn't mean a thing to me Oh, that's nice I'm sorry, but it's true!

Look I threw out all those photos and diaries to get rid of my past, for you Then why were they in your drawer?

I don't know I mean, Ben must have fished them out of the dumpster Fuckin' weasel!

No, look, okay before I met you, I didn't know I was such an asshole Okay? But I've never met a girl like you You're different than any girl I've ever met You've made me want to change Okay, no, Gabby God, Gabby, please I am begging you, give me another chance I'm not the same guy that did all that stuff

When I hear you talk like that, it makes me want to puke You're a pig All men are pigs So do me a favour and leave me the fuck alone

CMFU campus radio on the all request hour I'm sending this one out as a special request to our buddy Miles who's in a real bad place right now

# I can't believe that I've found all I wanted

# In you...

You can say "I told you so" whenever you want

# I haven't done what I have to do Miles: Can I come in?

No Miles: Is she here?

No Miles: Would you tell me if she was?

Fran: No Miles: Come on, let me just Look, you even try getting in here, I'll cut your fucking dick off Okay, fair enough

#... to you

# How many times

# Will I say that I'm sorry

# How many times

# Will I say that I'm sorry

Hi, uh Gabrielle Xropoleus?

Fran: Thanks

What are you doing? The door's open Yeah, um, Wendy the "P" she, uh she gave me that to give to Miles, but since I ain't talking to him, you give it to him We're not exactly on speaking terms, either Really, why not?

You know Miles, he's just going through a weird thing right now Yeah, no fuckin' shit I mean that guy's been hoinking chicks left and right all year, and now he's pussying after some chick he hasn't fucked yet?

Come on Doesn't make sense

It's always sad when one of the great ones retire, eh, Ben?

Let's just hug it out It'll be okay Be strong

Big Eddie: Give me my fuckin' money, man!

Cleaver: Fuck off!

Ben: "Dear Miles, I want you to know I appreciate the letter you wrote me Of course I accept your apology"?

Big Eddie: Hey Hey!

Fuck face Big Eddie, how's it going?

What did I tell you about fucking with my money?

What are you talking about?

If my bet's no good because you opened up your pansy trap, I swear to Christ I will knock the living piss right out of you Big Eddie Don't give me that shit, bitch!

Miles: Am I interrupting something special?

Word is, big mouth here fucked up your shit with the "X" 'cause he likes her Yeah, well, Benny didn't fuck up anything, it just didn't work out Big Eddie: Well, superhero Then it looks like your pal Cleaver will be owing me some money Miles: Looks like it


You all right?

Yeah Thanks Listen, Benny Between pulling your daggers out of my back and being assaulted by girls, I've had some time to think

I guess I haven't exactly treated women like gold in the past So I kind of understand why you did what you did Again

But remember what I said and I meant it I'm trying to get her back Oh, give me a fucking break Honestly He's apologized to Wendy He stopped big Eddie from beating me up He's not even hanging around Cleaver anymore It's like he's on some sort of 12-step do-gooder program or something Hmm

Listen Before any of this stuff happened, he told me he loved you I didn't believe him then but I do now

He really did throw out all those pictures and diaries I sort of, fished them out of the dumpster Oh, Ben

Wendy? Hi Hi

You don't remember me I'm Ben Ben Uh Miles's roommate Oh We've talked on the phone a couple of times I Yeah, yeah, of course It's nice to finally talk to you face to face

I'll be right back Okay

Hey, hey Gabrielle, come on, wait a second You know if you keep hitting this button people are going to think you're trying to leave So when do you start healing lepers?

I'm working my way up What are you doing here, what's this about?

Actually, I used to spend a lot of time here doing this when my grandfather was dying

Oh by the way, I really liked your pie Really? Yeah, it was amazing Well, thank you Pie So, are you going home right after exams?

Um, no, I'm sticking around for the weekend

Do you maybe want to catch a movie or something?

Sure I don't know what to think anymore Look, exams start in three days, and I don't want to risk never seeing you again

Meet me tonight Meet me tonight at our spot

I must be crazy

All right, so I'll call you tomorrow night Okay You know what? I'm not sure if it matters anymore, but I completely forgot to give Miles your letter My letter?

Yeah, the one you gave to Cleaver to give to Miles Because he wrote you the apology Apology? I don't think so


I was afraid you weren't going to show I wouldn't miss this for the world

Oh It is so fucking on

Cleaver: Oh yeah

Ooh! Boobies!

What the fuck? What?

Fuck off!


What the fu

Gabrielle: Gotcha

So Shall I call the ambulance?

Why do you need an ambulance?

'Cause you're going to need one if you don't got my money

Okay, okay I'll admit, okay, this is looking a little grim right now But, you know, Miles could turn this whole thing around okay?

I mean, he could change this whole angry mob scene into one great big beautiful orgy He can He will Please

# I hate girlfriends

# you can't be my girlfriends

# Hookers

# You can be my girlfriend if you give me freebees

# Girls

# You can have my kid

# As long as I don't see it

# Hey, as long as you know

# I hate girlfriends

# They can't be my girlfriends

# Oh, I hate girlfriends

# Just not my girlfriend

# But you can be the ride of my life

# The sun in my moon

# Just not my girlfriends

# Can't be my girlfriend

# I hate girlfriends

# Whoo!

# Whip those out

# Give them some breathing room

# Why the hell would you strap them down?

# Whip those out!

# Off come the panties first

# Followed by the bra and then we're talking

# Yeah, we're talking

# Now, we're bangin'

# But we don't have to talk

# I prefer it if we don't

# But them clothes can still come off

# Don't tell me that they won't

# So please get naked

# You look better naked

# Now let's make it

# All the lovely panties

# Dropping to the floor

# Sweet back alley handies

# Ain't that what Rock is for?

# Less talking

# And more panty-dropping

# Less talking

# And more panty-dropping

# But if you have to talk

# I hope that it's to say

# Can I let these panties drop

# To that I'd say, yeah

# And I ain't faking

# Now all the chicks should get naked

# Buck naked

# Buck ass naked

# All the lovely panties

# Droppin' to the floor

# Sweet back alley handies

# Ain't that what Rock is for?

# Whoa-oa-oa-oa

# Whoa-oa-oa-oa-oa...#

Fuck off! All right?