Pixels (2015) Script

Cooper, it's open.

It's open?

Come on!

It's supposed to be awesome.

Thank you. Hey, give me back my quarters, you hoser!




I suck.

Wow, Sam.

How are you so good at this? You've never even played it before.

I don't know.

There's a pattern to how they're moving. Watch.

I don't see it, but you sure as hell do.

Use the Force. Use the Force.

Hey, Chewie.

You're a superstar, dude.

And it's time to show the world.

Attention, all contestants.

The competition will start in 15 minutes.

You too? That's so funny.


I think you're pretty darn foxy yourself.

Lady Lisa, I'll love you till the end of time.

Who are you talking to? Nobody!

We'll talk later.

You're Ludlow Lamonsoff, the Wonder Kid, right?

Who told you that? The government?

'Cause I'm this close to figuring out the secret of the Bermuda Triangle.

Wow, you don't have any friends, do you?

Just my grandma.

Well, Wonder Kid, you can hang out with us.


What's up, geeks and goobers?

They call me the Fire Blaster!

'Cause my hands are blazing fast, and also I will blast and burn all my competitors' weak-ass moves.

You must be the local talent.

If this was a fugly contest, I'd be in trouble.

At least we didn't make up our own nicknames, Fire Blaster.

Who cares who came up with it?

It's totally tubular.

Welcome, gamers, to the first annual Worldwide Video Arcade Championships!

Tonight, we have representatives here from the Guinness Book of World Records, as well as NASA, the National Aeronautics and Space Administration, who will be videotaping tonight's competition to be included in a compilation of 1982's news events and popular culture.

That videotape will be placed in a space probe which will be launched by NASA into our solar system with the hope of connecting to, and perhaps providing a message for extraterrestrial life, should it exist.

It exists.

Ladies and gentlemen, start your gaming!

All right, ladies and gentlemen, what an evening we have had here.

Six new US records set.

Three new world records set.

And, as the smoke clears, right now we have a tie.

Two hundred and fifty-nine points for your new Pac-Man world champion.

The Fire Blaster, Eddie Plant!

Go, Fire Blaster!

And 259 points for your new Galaga Centipede world champion, rookie sensation, Sam Brenner!

Yeah, Sam!

Well, gentlemen, how 'bout we break this tie.

Let's play Donkey Kong!

Good luck, man. Thanks.

You have the patterns down pretty good with these games.

You're gonna be tough to beat.

You see, the thing about Donkey Kong is, at the higher levels the barrels become more random, possessed almost.

And playing by the patterns doesn't do the trick anymore.

Does it, Brenner?


On coming in second!

Fire Blaster is the world champ!

The local yokel looked destiny in the eye and blinked.

He's a loser, and he will always be a loser.


Sam, Sam, wait.

Sam, listen.

You're still gonna go to MIT and invent something that makes you a millionaire.

And maybe even marry Olivia Newton-John.

I was actually thinking Samantha Fox.

Nice, but she's no Sheena Easton.

Well, there's always Madonna.

How about Scarlett Johansson?

So hot.

Not Halle Berry hot, but so, so hot.

And don't forget Katy Perry.

What are we doin' right now? We're too old. It's just gross already.

Plus, you're married to a woman who hates you.

She doesn't hate me. She just doesn't get it, you know.

We don't have the free time to do stuff together like we did 10 years ago.

This job is killing me, man.

If I were you, maybe a half hour a day, turn off the cell phone, shut down the emails, put away the Reggie bars and focus on your wife.

The President's gaffe-filled summer continued today...

Hold on a second. I gotta see this.

...at Joseph Knibb Elementary School to promote his new youth reading initiative.

Here's what happened.

"Mittens jumped up onto the table and knocked over the whole bowl of soup.

"Mrs. Pickles gassed... Gasped."

She gasped.

"And the whole room fell silent.

"This was casta...

"This is cast...



I got it, sweetheart, okay?

Why'd you yell at me?

You're mean.

Leave her alone.

The President can't read.

You gotta learn how to read, buddy. It's as simple as that.

I was on three hours' sleep, all right?

Your economics are hurting poor people! Nice to see ya!

You've got the blood of innocent children on your hands.

Thank you for your support.

I can't afford to go to college because of you!

That's a lovely dress.

You're ruining the country! Yeah, we're all in this together, now.

You got a rough life, bud.

Sir? Thank you.

But at least you have a life.

Look, Brenner, you're meant for something more than this.

You just need to channel your genius into something productive.

I mean, you were incredible at video games back in the day, but that's a useless skill now.

It's like being a great blacksmith.

That hurt, man. That's catatastrophic that you said that.

I'm gonna get you back for that.

Mr. President, if you take away all the libraries, sir, how will the children ever learn to read?

Blacksmith, over and out.

Hello. I am a nerd from the Nerd Brigade.

Here to nerd out on all your audio and visual needs.

Do you have to say that every time you show up at a house?

If I wanna get paid, yes.

Isn't that kind of demeaning?

Only if someone brings it up.

Okay, I won't bring it up, then. Thanks.

Come on in.

So, what am I installing?

A new 85-inch, 4K, 3D TV, PlayStation 4, 7.1 surround-sound speakers.

Really, if you guys sell it, we've probably bought it.

Is it your birthday?

No, my parents are getting a divorce.

So it's like 10 birthdays.

Yeah, my dad cheated on my mom with his 19-year-old Pilates instructor.

Her name's Sinnamon, with an "S" which really tells you all you need to know about her.

No, I could hear a little more. You got any pictures?

I'm kiddin'. I'm sorry to hear that.

My mom kind of hates him right now.

And she says she's gonna invent a slut-seeking missile to take out Sinnamon.

Okay, Matty, you don't need to tell the nice installer man our whole life.


I'm sorry, "Whoa"?

What? No, just you. Whoa.

Me? Whoa? I don't even know what that means.

I mean, it's just, when your son told me that your husband left you for a 19-year-old, I guess I thought you were gonna be, like one of those "hot when we first met in high school, "but then let herself go and got a potbelly and turkey neck

"with a hairy chin."

But clearly that's not the case.

So more like, "Whoa, I should have brushed my teeth before I left the house this morning."

Or studio apartment, if we're getting real here.

Did you really not brush your teeth this morning?

No, I did.

I guess I should just start settin' this stuff up right now.

Go get 'em.

Colonel Devereux.

You need to see this, sir.

We're under attack.

What the hell are those things?

So are you a gamer?


I played when I was your age.

Were you any good?

I was pretty good at some of the classic games.

Classics. You mean like Halo and Call of Duty.

No! The real classics.

Defender, Pac-Man, Asteroids.

Games you played in an arcade which was a building outside of your house.

You would go there with your friends, listen to music, cute girls everywhere.

In ancient times, they called it "socializing."

What are you guys talking about?

Video games. Video games.

I'll be right back.

Mrs. Van Patten.

All finished up down there.

I need you to sign the work order.


Mrs. Van Patten, are you in the closet?


Not judging, but what are you doin' in the closet?

I'm mostly crying.

A little drinking.

Probably equally crying and drinking.

Something I do often, also.

But why in the closet?

Because I don't want Matty to see me.

I'm comin' in the closet, Mrs. Van Patten.

I'm opening the door.

Are you all right?

I'm sobbing on the floor of my closet drinking Chardonnay out of a sippy cup.

So I guess not.

Sorry. I withdraw the question.


Wanna talk about it? No.




Sir, we are in the midst of an aerial attack by an unidentified force!

Activate the QRF.

Mama! No!

We were high-school sweethearts. The perfect couple.

Do you know that he proposed in a waterfall?

I mean, a freaking waterfall. Smooth.

But now, according to a text I got 20 minutes ago, he's marrying a 19-year-old named after a spice.

It's not even spelled correctly.

It's just not where I thought I'd be at this point in my life.

God. I hear that.

I was supposed to have a baby with my ex-wife.

And the doctor who was helping us make the baby did help us make the baby.

But, unfortunately, I wasn't in the room.

Maybe this really is all for the best.

How do you mean?

You already married the wrong guy. You got the worst part over with.

True, and you married the wrong girl.

Maybe it just means we're gonna meet the right person now.



Are you trying to kiss me?

Absolutely not.


Sorry, I thought we were having a moment.

We were. A moment.

Look, you seem like a very nice guy, but I just met you, okay?

And, no offense, I don't think my rebound guy is a 210-pound person that installs flat screens for a living.

First of all, 208.

And, wow, I didn't peg you as the snobby type.

Snob? Me?


I am not a snob.

Okay, well, let's just say I was a billionaire, and we were out on my giant yacht in the middle of the Mediterranean, sipping champagne, and I went in to kiss you.

Would you have kissed me back, then?

Hold that thought, snobby.

Big Man!

Can you get to the White House right now?

I'll be there in 15.

While I'd love to stick around and listen to you lie about not wanting to make out with the yacht guy, I have to go.

For the record, I'm an amazing kisser.

All us nerds are.

'Cause we appreciate it more.

You didn't even brush your teeth this morning.

I ate a Tic Tac.

Too late, sweetheart. You had your shot and ya blew it.

I'm not following you.

Yeah, whatever you say, stalky. It's over. Deal with it.

Whoa, she went from zero to psycho in 3.4 seconds, a new world record.

Hey, Steve-O.

There's a crazy woman following me. I guarantee she's here to shoot the President.

And if I were you, I'd break out the billy club and go full throttle on her, seriously.

Go right on through, Lieutenant Colonel.

Why are you following me? God.

God. I can't believe they even let you in here.


Colonel Van Patten, you can go right into the Situation Room.

See, they need me in the Situation Room, so have fun doing whatever you're doing.

Mr. Brenner, the President is waiting for you in the Oval Office.

Somebody's more important.

Freddy, can you keep the riffraff outta here?

Yo, wassup?

Come on, you couldn't have at least changed?

You told me to rush right over.

What's going on, man? Why's it so crazy out there?

Our Air Force base in Guam was attacked.

By who?

I'm not sure. That's what I wanted to ask you.

Come here. Check this out.

Me? Yes, you. Come here.

Listen to this.

Does that sound familiar to you?

Yeah. Where do I know that from?

Can you freeze it? Yeah, hold on.

Go in tighter.

That can't be real. So you're seeing the same thing I'm seeing.

What kind of mushrooms did that guy put on our burgers?

They're ready for you, Mr. President. Great.

Now I gotta explain this to the National Security Council.

Listen, do me a favor, Sam.

Watch that again, okay?

And just see if there's anything you can find to help us out.

Yeah. Can I sit in your chair?

No, you can't, and everything's recorded.

Okay, I won't. I won't. I won't.

I'm sittin' in the chair. Gimme a break.

Mr. President, we told the press that it was an advanced weapons test that misfired.

So there's no mass panic yet. Well, good.

Then let's solve this thing before there is.

Mr. President, someone's made a major breakthrough in drone technology and it wasn't us.

This has got Moscow's fingerprints all over it.

Nonsense! It's an Iranian black-ops sideshow.

I guarantee it.

I have a theory.

I think, based on analysis of the footage, that preliminary indications are that we were attacked by Galaga.

By who, sir?


Sons of bitches.

Then let's blow Galaga to hell.

Who's Galaga?

It's an old-timey video game, '80s kind of folks like my dad used to play.

Mr. President, there is no nation on Earth that has the military technology to simply pixelate entire buildings.

Except Iran.

Forget Iran!

I'm thinking this is a cutting-edge multinational enterprise.

An NGO, a think tank, maybe even a corporation.

We're thinkin' Iran when we should be thinking Google.

So let's blow up Google.

Can somebody take Grandpa's keys away before he drives us into a ditch?

Who is this person? The sandwich guy?

This here is my old arcade game technical advisor person-guy.

Sam Brenner. He works in the tech sector.

So Caltech, MIT?

MIT. Yes.

Mississippi Institute of Technology, though.

Not the one you were thinking of.

Anyway, more to the current point, Mr. Brenner here was the World Galaga Champion.

He knows everything there is to know about this game.

So, what is it you and your orange shorts barged in here to say?

Just the Galaga that attacked us, that doesn't exist anymore.

Hello. You can download Galaga on your phone for $1.99.

Yeah, not this version though, Blue Lagoon.

The Galaga that exists now came out in 1986.

But this is the 1982 arcade version.

And all those machines, they recalled them, they reprogrammed them, because there were glitches in the original code.

You can see from the giant space bugs, the way they come swoopin' in.

Kind of ziggy-zaggy.

Ziggy-zag? Is that the snobby term?

So someone designed these space bugs after an old out-of-print version of a video game from 30 years ago that nobody would know today?

Does she really get to talk twice? She's not even at the grown-ups table.

I'm sorry. Is this a National Security Council meeting, or a dorm-room drug party?

Our nation has just been attacked by an unknown military force.

If this gets out to the press that we're pinning the blame on some old computer game, they'll not only mock you in the news, Mr. President, they'd impeach you!

So I suggest the man in the orange shorts leave the room immediately.

And those of us with long pants and government positions can discuss our options.

All right, Brenner. Do me a favor. Take off, all right? I appreciate the help.


Sorry, everybody.

Mr. President.

Generals and Admirals.

Guys in suits.

Zac Efron.

Gandalf, and Harry Potter in the same room.

Imagine that.

Grandpa, we'll see you around the nursing home.

The sandwich guy is here.

Fooled you.

Past the shortstop into left center field for a single.

That's the second straight inning where Washington has led off with a single.

They're talking about how he's standing straight up over the plate.

That seems to be working out for him, 'cause he just drove that ball into the gap hard.

First pitch taken outside for a ball, 1-0, and the 1-0 swung...


What's your problem, dude?

What's goin' on?

No, Brenner!

No, Brenner, no, no, no!

Stop! It's me! It's me! It's Ludlow! It's Ludlow.

Ludlow Lamonsoff, the Wonder Kid? Yeah.

How'd you get into my van?

I've been in there ever since you went to that nice lady's house.

She's cute, by the way.


What is that? This is moisturizer.

Show me what that is.


Is that what that says?

You were gonna drug me?

Only as a last resort. What are you...

There was something I had to tell you. Why didn't you call me, then?

Because the CIA has been tapping my phones ever since I found out the Zapruder film has been edited.

JFK shot first!

Ludlow, it is you!

Hi, buddy! Let me look at you! Hey! Good to see you, my boy!

How are you? My goodness! Look at you!

I know. Stayin' in shape!

I'm on an all protein diet, but I'm also doing carbs.

Good. But seriously, Brenner.

There's something I have to show you.

And let's just say it's a game changer.

You're the first guest I've had here. Voluntarily.

That's a shocker.

If Lady Lisa was real, she'd have about 17 restraining orders out on you.

Actually, I think if she was real, things might just play out a little bit differently.

You wanna know how I know that?

If She Was Real.

A book written and illustrated by Ludlow Lamonsoff.


You should sell that at Barnes & Unstable.

Do you want a copy? No.

I have eight others.

Why am I here right now? Why did you try to roofie me?

Right. Thank you for reminding me. Okay. Follow me.

Earlier today, our military base in Guam was attacked by this guy, Galaga.

How would you know that?

I have a pen pal in Guam. His name is Baubau.

Baubau was terribly frightened, so I hacked into the government's servers to assure Baubau that everything was okay.

But you know what? Everything was not okay.

Ludlow! Did you get me some diet root beer while you were out?

You remember my grandma. Sure.

She's still a character after all those years.

No, no, Grandma! It's funny. I didn't get a chance to because...

What happened? I remember now.

I'm trying to save the world from annihilation!

Are you nuts?

You cracker!

Don't yell at me!

So look, I know that sometimes people think of me as a bit of a conspiracy nut.


But sometimes, Brenner, sometimes the conspiracies are real.

Have you been playing Space Invaders a lot lately?

I have. How did you know that?

'Cause you're invading my space. Back up.

Brenner, do you remember when we were children, and we played in that video game championship?

Of course, buddy.

Do you remember how there was a tape of the event and all the games that were played that was then put in a capsule and shot out into the universe looking for extraterrestrial life?

I have reason to believe that some alien life force found that tape and has sent down real-life versions of what they saw to attack us.

Brenner, I spent the day on 4chan searching for messages from the aliens to prove my theory.

And you wanna know something? Tell me.

I came up absolutely empty.

So then, as a distraction, I got up to try to watch an episode of One Tree Hill that I recorded on my VCR last night.

I've been binge-watching to catch up.

And you don't have cable because...

Because the government spies on us through our cable boxes, Brenner.

That's been proven.

And you don't want them to see you dancin' around in your underwear for Lady Lisa. I get it.

No, that tape was burned three months ago. Anyway...

In the middle of the UHF broadcast, something peculiar interrupted Sophia Bush's sexy shenanigans.

No, you're the freak with the fat...

Inhabitants of Earth, we are a race from the planet Volula.

We came to you in these familiar Earth forms to tell we received your vessel.

And in it, your hostile challenge.

We accept your offer to compete in winner-take-all battles.

Gather your bravest warriors to face our bravest warriors!

The winner takes the loser's planet.

You have already lost the first battle.

And for our victory, we have taken a trophy.

I'm okay, Mama.

I love you.

That's not the real Madonna!

You will get three lives.

You have two lives left.

Losing both will lead to the total destruction of your planet.

The next battle is in 15 hours at coordinates 27° 24' 79".

Okay, I got lost about halfway through.

Why does Madonna wanna take over our planet?

These moron aliens think that the footage NASA sent up to space of us playing video games in 1982 was a declaration of war.

Intergalactic war, Mr. President. Isn't that crazy? Isn't that unpredictable?

Lud, listen.

You helped unscramble my Cinemax when we were kids.

I think you can call me Chewie.

What do they mean by three lives? What is that?

If I may. See, that's just it.

It's like the video games of old, Chewie Mr. President.

One quarter, three lives.

This is clearly not a quarter. This is far more valuable. May I keep this?

Put it back on the desk. Fair enough.

We lost the first one, Galaga.

Two more losses and...

It's game over.

Now, assuming that...

You know what, that's not happening. Fair enough.

Assuming that Alien Madonna's numbers are actually latitude and longitude, then we can safely assume that the next attack should happen somewhere in Northern India tonight.

If you can get your guys from the NSA to clean up the signal, then we can pinpoint exactly where the attack is gonna be, and maybe even which game they're gonna use to attack us.

I can't authorize a military response based off a video that looks like it was made by a couple high school kids.

You gotta at least warn the people of India somethin' could be comin'.

The whole country thinks I'm a buffoon right now as it is.

Look, I can't risk it, Brenner. I just can't!

So I guess we've been dating for almost three years now.

Yes, almost three.

They have been the best years of my life.

...and I think we have something very special.

Raj, is this what I think it is?

Will you marry me?

Don't sweat the whole Taj Mahal thing.

It's probably better that there's only an even six Wonders of the World now.

You know what? I get it. I screwed up.

It won't happen again. Shut up.

Good morning, Mr. President.

What's Radio Shack Robbie doing here? And this other fella.

Hi. Ludlow Lamonsoff.

We've actually met before, but you wouldn't remember because it was in the back of Brenner's van and I was watching you through a window.

You smell so nice, like the Book of Genesis.

Mr. Lamonsoff and Mr. Brenner have agreed to share their video game expertise with you and your team.

Happy to do it.

With all due respect, sir, having civilians with zero security clearance in this facility is...

These civilians have better insight into our current crisis than my entire administration.

I dunno if I wanna do it now. She's being so mean.

I kind of wanna leave. Okay.

If he leaves, I leave. We're a team. Stop it.

This is how it's gonna be the whole time? Guys, knock it off. Lead the way.

Of course, Mr. President.

So have we made any progress, Colonel?

Enormous progress, sir.

We now understand the entities that attacked us were made of energy.

Intelligent energy.

Morning, Colonel. Good morning, Michael.

Michael's a robot!

I think maybe the extraterrestrials took what they saw in the orbiter and recreated the same things using light energy.

And then sent these light creatures back at us.

That's why solid matter, bullets and missiles, won't harm them.

Can anything harm them?


The cubes we recovered in Guam are normally pretty feisty.

Hey, look at that!

He didn't like it though.

But they calm down pretty quick when we hit them with some super-charged light particles.

And the slut-seeking missile, I'd love to see that.

Do you have that around here? You are so smart.

Yeah? You think so?

Is that how you got into the Mississippi Institute of Technology?

You know, I wish I never went in that closet with you.

I was very happy drinking and crying by myself.

I so regret trying to kiss you.

I would kiss the guy in the yacht 100 times before I kissed you.

Moving on. Yeah.

We have begun instructing the Navy SEAL task force on the use of the prototype weapons.

What do we train for? War!

Why do we fight? To win!

When do we quit? Never!

What do we train for? War!

Why do we fight? To win!

When do we quit? Never!

Perhaps our new expert advisors would like to say a few words to the SEALs.


Men, you have served this nation with distinction, in combat zones, in every nook and cranny of this godforsaken world, defeating every enemy they've thrown at you.

Hey, what's up?


I couldn't get a babysitter.

The President has brought in these two civilian Arcaders who we are required to listen to for 120 seconds, starting...

I can't do this. You can do this.


I can't do this. I'm gonna throw up!

We know how to do this. They don't. Just act the part.

Hey, guys.

How are you? Hey, thank you, General Zod, for that beautiful intro.

Hey, fellas. Good to see you.

Let me introduce myself. My name is Sam Brenner.

And this is the Wonder Kid, also known as...

Your worst nightmare!

Looks to me, Brenner, like someone forgot to send us the best of the best.

And instead, dropped off a bunch of incontinent, adult diaper-wearing, candy-assed, cries-himself-to-sleep, women-baby-man-people!

What am I lookin' at right now?

Are you guys soldiers? Or the cast of Magic Mike?

You gonna fight? Or dance naked?

From now on, you maggots, you little girl maggots...

Whatever the hell the female form of maggot is.


You magina!

When you magina poop your pants, you're gonna be thinking of me!

In your pants!

You know what I mean.

Do you feel me?

Do you feel me, sailor?

You beautiful Nubian man!

You gorgeous specimen of what God can make!

Do you feel me?

I think you're about to feel him, Lud.

I can't move.

Lemme help you. Hey, come here.

Sorry. Don't touch the guy. Just sit down.

Did I do good? You did awful.

Sit down.

Sorry about that, everybody.

I know it's weird.

Two buffoons like me and this guy giving advice to you badasses.

But the truth is we've been training.

Since childhood, we've been training our prefrontal cortex to perform extremely complex motor feats with hand-eye coordination unique to a very specific cognitive acuity.

I learned a lot of big words at the dorm-room drug parties.

All of it's been meaningless in all areas of our life.

But suddenly, it might be comin' in handy to saving our planet.

So we're hopin' you guys can forget about us bein' civilian morons, and let us teach you a few things in the little time we have.

I think we might help you win this thing.

There is only one objective in Asteroids.

That is to destroy every rock and every saucer.

You don't wanna get hit by any of these boulders.

That's why I recommend stayin' in the middle.

Just 'cause you see a hammer doesn't mean grab it.

You're not gonna climb a ladder with a hammer in your hand.

Very good. Good piloting, Maverick!

Don't lock into radar.

Okay, it's fine, son. It's fine.

You just blew up our entire planet.

Ain't no way Inky's catching up to you!

I want you to focus mostly on the ships.

Every 10,000 points, you get another triangle ship.

That's a good thing.


He's still the master.

This is just like when we were dating. No distractions, just us.

And cake.

Big Man. Settle down there with that butterscotch frosting.

What? Too much? Well, you know what?

You're really not gonna like what I do with the rainbow sprinkles.

Come on now! No! I love it! Will! No!

Here comes the sprinkle monster!

Mr. President.

Yes, Jennifer.

We just received an alien transmission from the "Where's the Beef?" lady.

What did she say?

First of all, she asked where the beef was.

Then she said that the next battle was on at sundown tomorrow.

5130' 29" latitude. 09' 42" longitude.

Where is that?

Go! Go! Go! Move! Move! Move!

Clear the area!

The lot of ya, come on! Move it!

I said, move it!

What's all this then, mate? Hey, I got this. Hi.

We're Americans.

Our Navy SEALs were given permission by your government to prepare for an extraterrestrial invasion, which we believe will occur at these coordinates in approximately 60 minutes.

We're shootin' a beer commercial.

Right, then. Break a leg, then, yeah?

What was that, man? Why'd you lie to him?

I'm trying not to cause total panic, Yank.

And, you...

I don't want to hear another word out of you. All right?

You walkin' wiener coat.

What's a wiener coat?

Madam Prime Minister, I can't thank you enough for your cooperation on this.

But of course, Will.

Well, I trust with the concord of our powers we can duff up the jiggery-pokery of these blighters and send them scuffering back to the fractious firmament from whence they came!

I know, right?

Bang on!

No idea what she just said.

I just wanna touch it.

Easy with those light cannons, gentlemen. We don't have any backups.

These ray guns gonna work, Van Patten?

We had no way to field-test them, sir.

But our computer models show a great likelihood of effectiveness.

"Great likelihood"? You're sending my men into battle with untested ordnance?

I had two days to do things never done before on this planet, sir.

Just remember who you're talking to, missy.

All right!

Anybody who doesn't need to be here, follow me to the support area.

That means you two nipple-twisters.

Move it!

Hey, Colonel. Don't worry. They're gonna work.

The US military was attacked and what does President Cooper do?

His critics say, "Nothing."

That's not strictly true. He made a cake.

No, because I'm the sprinkle monster!

You are my sprinkle monster!

Let's put that on pause, Sean. Thank you.

Turn it off.

Apologies, Will.

Just wanted to spend some quality time with the wife.

I understand.

My husband actually said that we don't spend time together like we used to, so I took him to one of those do-it-yourself pottery studios.

And he made me a "World's Sexiest Prime Minister" coffee mug.

Well, maybe he sees somethin' that nobody else does, you know.

Anything, Colonel Van Patten?

It's eerily quiet, Mr. President.

In case it's Space Invaders, I just thought of something I should tell...

Please return to the support area!

Okay, but there's a 5 plus 1 formation, all right?

If we need ya, we know where to find ya. All right?

Now, bugger off.

Bloody geek.

It's Centipede.

Okay, boys! Do exactly what we talked about!

Shoot each centipede from the head down!

Do not hit him in the middle or he will split into two!

No! No! Didn't we just say don't split him in half?

Shoot for the head!

The mushroom things are in the way!

You shoot the mushroom things! Like the game!

Guys, every time he hits a mushroom, he's gonna change direction!

My God! Will you please find the pattern and anticipate!

I don't know the patterns!

Sergeant Duff! 12 o'clock!

What the hell kind of beer commercial is this?

If I say it's a beer commercial, it's a bloody beer commercial.

Get your flabby ass back here, Yank!

Shock and awe, baby!

High score, alien trash!

You messed with the wrong planet!

From Land's End to John o'Groats!

What the hell are you saying? I don't know!

Hey, Ludlow! Grab a light cannon! Get out here now! I need your help!

Me? No! Look at me! I look delicious!

They'll gobble me up like space dim sum!

It's level two!

We're the only ones who can do this!

Come on! You're the Wonder Kid!

You have no authority to dispense weapons here, Mr. Brenner!

Mr. President?

Let the nerds take over.

What was that, sir?

Let the nerds take over!

Let the nerds take over!

Brenner's right.

I am the Wonder Kid.

This is the best, huh?

I've never been happier and more alive!

Okay. You can let go of each other now.

All right, you finish that. I'll finish this.

It's been 30 years since I kicked your butt, and it's gonna happen again!

With the arms!

Let's take it forward.

Then take it back.

- Enjoy it! Hey!

Come here!

You little...

Who are you, mister?

Son, I'm just a loser who's good at old video games.

Well, thank God for that.

Drinks are on the US government!

Which is covering up the truth about the ancient pyramid under the Hoover Dam!

You know, you're all right, Brenner.

You're all right too, snobby.

You gonna nurse that all night long, or when are you gonna start hittin' it?

We ding up a few foreign belligerents, beer is fine.

We defeat a full-on alien invasion, I'm thinking something a little stronger.

No. You're really challenging me to drink you under the table? You got it.

I'm not so sure you can, buddy.

I was the vodka shot record holder in my class at West Point.

Well, one time I drank 15 milkshakes at Denny's, so we'll see what happens.

Where are my gamers at?

Looks like all the time you wasted when we were kids is finally payin' off.

Yeah, baby. All right, huh?

Sir, may I have the honor of pouring you a frosty?

The President can't be seen drinking during times of crisis.

So nobody look!

That's it. Look away!

Inhabitants of Earth.

Congratulations, you have won this battle.

Please accept one of our warriors as a trophy of your victory.

The next challenge will not be as easy.

The details will be sent via this signal shortly.

Remember, we are still leading two battles to one.

One more loss for you will mean the annihilation of your world.

Good luck and may the best planet win.

Well, you heard 'em.

Let's get back to work.

We gotta get you guys ready for your next battle.

Battle? Us? Huh?

This is like a regular thing now?

Remember when I told you that you were meant for something more in life?


This could be it, buddy.

There's nobody better than you.

Well, not at every game.

No. No! Never gonna happen.

You know, he's right, Brenner.

We don't even know where to find that idiot!

Eddie Plant. Married and divorced four times, declared bankruptcy in 1991 and 2004.

In 2005, he was caught hacking cell phone companies and adding one of those fees you see on your bill every month, but have no idea what it is. What an idiot.

Made about 50 million before he was convicted and sentenced to 20 years in prison.

Guards, get me outta here.

It's that mean Centipede killer.

I hope he don't zap me with his space gun.

How are you, Eddie?

'Sup, Second Place?

And your sidekick here, Presi-donut.

I didn't know you can have an approval rating so catatastrophic.

Okay, look, Eddie, here's what we need. I know what you need.

You need the Fire Blaster.

Who's the Fire Blaster?

Me. That's my nickname, sugar buns.

Yeah. That's right. The one you made up for yourself.

Who cares who made it up?

It's totally tubular!


See, this is why I don't think I can have Brenner on my team.

He's just not really a gamer.

Break out a bag of quarters. Pick a game. I'll destroy you at it.

I'll pick a game, all right.

Okay. I'm leaving. No, no, no. Hey, here, come on.

Sit down.

Okay, in exchange for helping us, I will personally speak to the parole board about reducing your sentence.

Pass. Pass?

That deal don't work for Eddie Plant.

You want the Fire Blaster's help, he has some demands.


The Bifocal Blaster is here, by the way.

I want an island.

Oh, my God.

There are 18,617 named islands that are part of the United States and its territories.

Not to mention all the countless unnamed ones, like the soon-to-be-called Edwahii.

You're not getting an island.

Then I want a full pardon. I wanna get outta here for good.

And after I do, I don't wanna pay no taxes like, forever.

And no sales tax. If I wanna buy some, for instance, gum, I wanna flash me a card that says "I saved the world."

I don't have to pay no shitballs taxes on the gum.

And I want a stealth-attack helicopter, like they fly over the Super Bowl at my disposal, at all times.

You know, so I can fly around.

If the world's still here, I don't wanna deal with traffic no more.

And lastly, I want you to set up a romantic rendezvous between me, Serena Williams and Martha Stewart in the Lincoln Bedroom.

Number one. You're not getting a helicopter or any sort of flying or driving vehicle.

Number two. I'm pretty sure the federal government could do without your income taxes and be fine.

And number three. If you help us beat these things, I think we can get you outta here.

And the Martha-Serena sandwich?

Pick one of 'em. We'll set up a coffee.

Serena Williams. And we are closed.


I understand.

It's happening tonight.


New York City.


Hello, Big Apple.

The cavalry has arrived.

Thanks for comin'.

We saw how you guys took care of the centipedes.

We hope you can do the same for us.

We hope so also. Well, what are we dealin' with?

Over here.

Rookie, just tell 'em what you saw.

It was awful.

It was like one of those monster movies, you know?

But this time the monster was real.

And who was this monster?


Pac-Man? Boom. That's my jam.

Let's get us some light cannons and blow this sucker back to whatever planet it came from.

No! No, light cannons don't kill Pac-Man.

Those little ghosts do.

Boom! Let's get us some little ghosts.

You want ghosts?

She's got ghosts.

We used the energy force-field technology from the cube to develop four mini-generators for each of the cars.


We're calling them XM950 attack modules.

Okay and we're callin' 'em Mini Ghosts

'cause we'll never remember what you just said.

Why are there four of 'em? There's only three of us. Who's our fourth?

May I introduce to you Professor Toru Iwatani.

The creator of Pac-Man.

You speak Japanese?


Sir, what an honor.

Thanks for all the joy you brought to our lives.


I made your game my bitch.

What is a


Don't worry about it. He's a criminal.

You all right? Yeah.

Okay, now, assuming they play by the rules of the game like they did with Centipede, if you guys hit Pac-Man three times with this energy field, we win.

Ludlow's right. You do smell good.

Good luck. Yeah.

Gentlemen, I'll be sending Pac-Man's current coordinates to each of your car's GPSes.

Let's locate and eliminate.

Come on, guys.

Pac-Man's a bad guy?

Pac-Man is not bad!

I created him to bring joy to all the people of the world.

They have brainwashed him!

Deep down, he's kind, gentle.

Someone you can tell your troubles to or grab a hamburger with.

You'll see.

Professor Iwatani, get back in the car!

Professor Iwatani, what are you doin'?

I will talk to him. He's my son!

No, that's a bad idea.

Hello, my sweet little boy.

Look how big you've grown!

I'm so proud of you.

It's so sweet. He's so sweet.

But all these destructive things you're doing, it's wrong.

I'm your father.

I know you're a good boy.


Somebody kill this stupid bitch!

That was some twisted Pinocchio-Geppetto stuff right there.

All right, losers!

It's three on one.

Let's hit it.

Pac-Man's faster than I remember.

Pac-Man's always been faster than the ghosts.

We're gonna have to outmaneuver his ass.

Wonderfro, you and Silver Medal break off.

I'll stay with Big Yellow.

Whoa, Eddie, how did you do that so fast?

'Cause I'm the champ, Lieutenant Long Legs.


What's up?


Good one, Eddie.

One down.

Two to go!

All right, Pac-Man Number Two just regenerated four streets away headed northbound.

Turn east at the next intersection.

Brenner, go straight.

Got it.

Ludlow, go left.

Eddie, at the next intersection, turn left.

We got him!

He's got nowhere to go!

Oh, God. No!

"Oh, God. No," what?

He ate the power pellet.

Pac-Man's got 10 seconds where he can eat us.

Why me?

God. Don't eat me, don't eat me, don't eat me.

Please, please, don't eat me!

Guys! Help!

I'm gonna die a virgin!

Why are you doing this to me?

You've been brainwashed!

You're a good boy!

Ludlow, run! Pump your legs! Go, baby!

Attaboy, Eddie!

You just got fire-blasted, sucka.


How the hell did he get over there so fast?

Way to go, champ.

Aren't you glad you sprung me, Second Place?

Yeah, thrilled.

One more to go and it's happy hour.

So I guess they're just leaving me here.

Now it's time for the hat trick.


Brenner, it's on you.

There are still three other power pellets out there.

So stay alert.

I got this.

If I don't, the world ends.

Can't let that happen.

Come on, Brenner. Come on.

Brenner, he's leading you directly towards one of the power pellets.

Get out of there.


What the hell is he doing?


Damn it, Brenner. I have a son who I'd like to see grow up.

Three. You'll see your boy grow up.


Brenner, get out! He's going to eat you!







You did it! Brenner! That's the one, baby!

He's over here!

Fire Blaster, I love you!

Hey, guys!

Sorry. Coming through. I'm one of tonight's heroes. Sorry.



Check it out.

I think I might have found our next trophy.

It's Q*bert.

Yeah, I know! I know.

Can I kill it?


Let's get to know him a little bit. Ask him some questions.

And then we'll kill him.

I'm joking. Just put the blanket on him. Bye.

Mr. President! Mr. President!

Yes, Hal. Mr. President, your approval ratings have tripled since this crisis began.

Do you feel the heretofore sanguine causata are tracking toward an auspicious denouement?

Shut up, Hal.

You're just using big words to try to make him look like an idiot.

We love you, Mr. President. Thank you for saving us.

Please, don't thank me.

It's Sam Brenner and his team who have brought us here to the brink of victory.

And we understand you're holding a soirée in their honor.

Is that a good idea when another attack may be imminent?

No need to worry.

They will have their Arcader uniforms on underneath their tuxes, ready to go at a moment's notice.

And for the record, Hal, I happen to know what several of those big words meant.

I drank a few cold sanguines on my last trip to México.

Bite on that, Hal!

You! You! You! You! You!

I don't know what would be worse.

Them failing, or them actually pulling this off.

What was that, Jim?

Can you shut up for five seconds?

We need to increase the rate of fire.

Now you already calculated that in your beautiful mind, didn't you?

There's no rhyme or reason to this game.

I mean, where are the patterns? He just attacks out of left field.

Patterns? Is that why you were so good with Pac-Man and Centipede?

You memorized the patterns?

Yeah. Only way to beat these things.

Count the bullets, calculate the speed, crunch the numbers.

Where's the fun in that?

Boy. Why? What do you do?

You gotta pretend you're the guy and you don't wanna die.

Yeah, that sounds cool, but it's not gonna work every time.

Well, that's why you have your reset button.

Yeah, we didn't have those growin' up.

Most violent game I've ever seen.

I don't think it's healthy for you.

It's fine. I can handle it.

No, I'm not talkin' to you. I'm talkin' to homeboy.

So much blood!

Yeah. Hey. You know what'll cheer you up?

A cheese ball. Yep.

Come on, suck one up.

Take a handful.

That was smooth. That was very smooth.

You know, we should get him some exercise.

Maybe throw him on the trampoline for a little bit?

Trampoline! Trampoline! Trampoline!

Okay. How about me and him do that while you go ask my mom to the ball tomorrow night?

Unfortunately, I'm not attracted to your mother.


You're right, I am. Okay.

Here. Finish these.

You're gettin' chubby.






Again! Again! Again! Again!

So I'm feeling obligated to make an appearance at that thing tomorrow night.

I was wondering, when you got there, if possibly you'd like to hang out with me while I was there?

Like a date? Like a date, but... Yeah.

I dunno about that.

I'm a snob. I have mental problems, so...

Well, you know, you are and you do, but I'm willin' to overlook that for the evening.


You will?

Three, four.

Thank you. Thank you. Thanks.

Nice welcome, for a change, huh?

Bring it down, Travolta. Bring it down.

They love the Big Man! Good to see the respect, pal.

Well, lookie here, Serena.

They threw me a big party to thank me for savin' the world.

And you get to stand next to me all night.

Champagne, sir? Thanks.

They promised me an island if I did this.

I'm dying to meet Sam's new ladyfriend.

She's nothin'. It's just a little hangin' out thing.

Yeah, right.

Is she pretty, Will?

Define pretty. I mean, you're pretty.

Extremely pretty. Thank you.

She, I think, in the classical sense of the word, is certainly... I mean, I feel...

Brenner, help me out here. No, you're doing great. Keep going.

You know, she, for military personnel, certainly. I mean...

You're the First Lady, she's a 10.

Hey, Brenner.

Hey, Brenner.

Excuse me for a second.

Come on, Matty. Let's dance!

You look nice in a tux.

Green's officially my favorite color now.

I have a question for you.

President said I'm on call tonight, so I can only have half a beer.

I know you like drinkin' out of sippy cups, but wanna split a bottle with me?

What happened?

You brushed your teeth. Yes!

All right. Lead the way.

You got it.

So let's hear about Sinnamon. What does she look like?

God. Are you kidding? I wanna know.

She's a husband-stealing Pilates teacher. She's hot!

And limber.

That doesn't matter.

Yes! Actually, it does.

She's not perfect, though, right?

Girls like that who steal husbands, they always got one thing wrong with them.

Come on.

Her forehead's too big? No.

Mole on the chin? No.

Two different nostrils? No!

She's flawless.

She is.

I mean, her eyes. Okay, her eyes are a little far apart.

Kind of looks like a flounder.

There it is! Good.

So tonight, your dopey ex-husband's gonna be lookin' into those eyes and sayin', "What kind of choice did I make?

"I used to stare into the most beautiful eyes I've ever seen, "and now I'm stuck starin' at the Filet o' Fish sandwich."

Did you just say I have beautiful eyes?

While insulting the other chick.

That is really, really, really, really good.

Thank you.

Can I have some of that? No? I thought we were splitting it.

You know, everybody's like, "Brenner this" and "Brenner that."

But make no mistake, Fire Blaster's the leader of this crew.

Who's the Fire Blaster again?

Me, Serena! All right, lemme just cut to the chase here.

Fire Blaster's been in prison for eight years.

He hasn't been with a woman since '05.

You're in for the time of your life.

You even think about touching me, I'm gonna smack you through the wall.

I'd have it no other way.

Should've gone with Martha Stewart.

At least then, I'd have a tasty panini cooked for me or some shit.

So, what are you gonna do after all this?

You gonna go back to the Nerd Brigade?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Probably. I mean...

What else would I do?

I mean, it just seems like someone with your skills, you'd be better off inventing technology rather than installing it.

No, of course. I would love to do somethin' different.

You know, I had my shot when I was a kid in the arcades.

But I blew it.

Yeah, I always think maybe my life would've been different.

Any time I'm getting on a roll, or I feel like everything's going great, that giant ape throws another barrel at me.

But it's all good. Don't worry.

Ladies and gentlemen, I am proud to introduce a special message to the Arcaders from the students of PS 427 in New York City.

New York was in trouble.

Pac-Man caused a ruckus.

But the Arcaders saved us.

'Cause they're bad mother...

People of Earth, you have violated the rules of warfare, dudes.

Violated the rules?

Because of this, you forfeit and your planet is now ours.

Dudes, in 12 hours, we'll commence with the all-out destruction of Earth.

After that, we will sing this about your precious planet.

She's gone I'd better learn how to face...

What the heck are they talkin' about?

Where you goin', Fire Blaster?

Hey, kid.

I told Serena I needed to get some air, you know?

Only known her half an hour and she's already like, "Mrs. Fire Blaster this. Mrs. Fire Blaster that."

A cop fished these out of the East River the night you fell in.

I was gonna give 'em back to you, but I saw some interesting things written on the inside of the lenses.

The Pac-Man cheat code for super-speed.

You're a cheater. So what?

I used cheat codes back in the day to help me dominate.

So I figured, why not use it for the big show. And it worked.

You've been a cheater your whole life?


Only since I was 10.

That's how I beat your boy Brenner at the World Championship. Yeah.

I owe everything I have to these bitchin' shades.

What did you do?

I didn't do anything. I thought we obeyed every rule.

Ya thought wrong, civilian!

We squandered our one chance on you!

A hi-fi repair man.

But I swear...

But nothin'! You heard Hall & Oates! You blew it!

I've seen your files.

You've never accomplished a damn thing in your entire life.

Brenner won two battles, Admiral. That's two more than you.

I wouldn't get smart with me, Colonel.

You were all over this sideshow that did nothing but waste valuable time.

Sometimes I wonder if you're not working for the Martians yourself!

Drop dead, Admiral.

You're done.

All right. Hey, guys! That's enough. Listen. We tried something. It didn't work.

What is that?



I can't believe they took Matty as a trophy. I am so sorry.

Well, there's gotta be somethin' we can do.

Where's Eddie?

Eddie. Yeah. He crawled into a hole. We'll never see him again.

Chewie won't take my calls.

Violet got the boot. We're on our own, guys.

This feels like my planet.

No fun. No laughter. Only war.


Wait a second. Q*bert is from there. He knows all their secrets.

We were once a happy planet.

Before you threatened us.

But we didn't threaten you! You saw footage of old games.

They do not know they are games.

Well, why don't you tell them that, Q*bert, and stop them?

It's too late.

And now the mothership is creating millions of video-game warriors to destroy your planet.

Look, all we have to do is get inside the mothership and try to stop them.

We can rescue Matty while we're up there.

Up there. You wanna go up there?

I don't know about that. You know, they took away our light cannons.

I don't think that's such a good idea.

We have something better than light cannons.

We have a positive can-do attitude.

I'm kidding. We are all gonna die.

I'm just...


Are you sure we wanna do this?

I mean, maybe we could just find another planet to live on.

Shut up, dude. We're gettin' on that ship.

And the only way to do that is to get directly under it.

That's the only way in.

Arcaders are comin'! Don't worry!

Come on! Come on! Come on! Go!

Stay with me!

Nobody's better at the crane game than me.


What's with the disguise, buddy?

They tried to take me to some underground bunker, so I went rogue.


Wonder Kid, you gotta stay on the ground. These people need protection.

Thank God.

Hey, live long, laugh much, love often.

That's it.


Back it up.

Thanks for bein' my friend.

'Course, buddy. I love ya.

Now go kick some ass.

Mr. President, may I have a light cannon?

Don't tell anyone I killed a Smurf.


Get away from those kids now!



I spent most of my formative years trying to figure out a way to bring you to life all Weird Science-style.

I used every birthday wish, every 11:11 on the clock, every little chicken wishbone I could find, and ladybug.

I prayed for this.

But apparently, you don't feel the same.

Okay. We're under it, Q*bert. Now what?

Well, well, well.

Look who's here.

Q*bert the traitor and his cheating friends.

Come to beg for a second chance?

You're in luck. The boss wants to meet ya in person.

So come on up!

If you defeat him, you save your planet and destroy our warriors.

But if you lose...

See you on the other side.

You are so powerful, just as I...

You win! I'm not gonna fight you anymore, okay?

I know that you have love in your heart, and I know that I could make you happy, but if you need to kill me, then you're just gonna have to go ahead and kill me.

At least I can die a happy man knowing that I found true love.

And I couldn't even get a handshake from Serena Williams.

Well, well, well.

Didn't think I'd see you again.

I had to prove to myself and to the world that I could do this without cheating.

Wait, you cheated?

Moving on.

You gonna introduce me to your girlfriend?


Where are we, Q*bert? What is this place?

I don't know.

But I'm scared.


What is that noise?

What the hell was that?

Donkey Kong.

The one game you suck at.


Mom, up here!



Where the hell is my mama?

We're coming for you, honey!


There's too many of them!

This way!

Only one way to beat this game. Jump!

Up the ladder! Fast!


Q*bert! Look out!


I can't do this. There's no pattern.

Pretend you're the guy and you don't wanna die.

I don't wanna die!

I couldn't even beat Eddie Plant!

Eddie Plant's a cheater! That's why he was so good in New York.

He used cheat codes.

He did the same thing to you when you were kids.

You know what that means, right?

I'm the Donkey Kong champion of the world.

And the Donkey Kong champion of the world doesn't need patterns.

Reset button.

Freeze, Chewie!


Mom, Mom! Q*bert's not dead!

Help me! Help me!

Nah, I'm pretty sure he's dead, Matty.



Okay, fine.

What? No!


Violet, get outta there!

Look out!

We're trapped!


Here, grab onto my mighty hammer.

You loved saying that.

Yes, I did.

Brenner! Whatever you're doing, please hurry up!

I've been waitin' to do this since 1982.


Yeah! Yes!

Yeah. Yeah.

Matty! God!

You okay? Yeah.

You were so awesome down there!

You're my second favorite president. You know Obama's still my man, right?


We won!

No more taxes!

We did it, baby!

We did it.


No. No!

Lady Lisa!


Eddie, never thought I'd see you again.

Brenner, I just wanted to say I'm sorry for cheatin' back in the day when we was kids, and for cheatin' again more recently.

I'm not goin' back to prison for that, am I?

No, but you need to admit to Brenner that he's the best in the world.

No way.



you are the best in the world at the Donkey Kong.

That's right. I am.

Ludlow. What's the matter, buddy?

I finally had the one thing I wanted and now I'm back to being all alone.

Lady Lisa, she made an appearance.

And while you guys were out, you know, savin' the world, you kind of destroyed his.

That's horrible.

It's just, how come he gets to stay? Why are you still here?

I'm sorry.

Q*bert's a trophy.

And I guess we get to keep the trophies.


Q*bert, what is it?

Wait, no one else is weirded out by this? That was just Q*bert.

Mr. President! Please! Yes, Renee.

Mr. President, are we out of danger?

Yes. In fact, I am pleased to announce I have brokered a peace treaty with the alien invaders.

This peace is due to, and only due to the bravery of the Arcaders, who, against all odds, stepped up and saved us all.

Eddie Plant, Ludlow Lamonsoff, Sam Brenner, and Lieutenant Colonel Violet Van Patten are American heroes.

World heroes.

"World hero"? I guess you're not a nerd anymore.

You don't want me to stop being a nerd, ever.

Why is that?

'Cause like I said, nerds are the greatest kissers.

I'll be the judge of that.

Hey, kids. Daddy's home.

Daddy! Daddy! Daddy!

Dad! Dad! Daddy! Daddy!

Daddy! Daddy!