Planes, Trains & Automobiles (1987) Script

(I got to go.)

(I got to go.)

(I got to catch a plane.)


Two solid hours of staring at material to decide to reconvene after the holidays for a fresh look at the lab.

They're selling cosmetics, not curing cancer.

Why aren't you going to the airport?

What's the point of busting my ass to catch the 6 o'clock flight?

Why don't you wait and go out with me on the 8?

You'll never gonna get a cab at this hour.

I told Susan I'd be home by 9:00.

That's you.

Oh, damn it. I left my gloves in Brian's office.

I don't need them. I get in the elevator, I get on a taxi, I get on a plane and I'm home.

Would you pick them up for me? I'll drive over tomorrow and get them.

Have a good holiday.

I'll see you in Chicago, John.

You'll never make the 6.


Taxi!


Cab! Cab!

Sir?

Sir, sir. Excuse me.

I know this is your cab, but I am desperately late for a plane and I was wondering if I could I appeal to your good nature and ask you to let me have it.

I don't have a good nature. Excuse me.

Come on!

Could I offer you $10 for it?

20. I'll give you $20 for it.

I'll take 50.

All right.

Anyone who would pay $50 for a cab... would certainly pay $75.

Not necessarily.

All right, 75.

You're a thief.

Close. I'm an attorney.

Have a happy holiday.

This will help.

Hey! Hey!

Hey! Hey, that's my cab!

That's my cab!

Pull over! Pull over!

All right! Pull over!

That's my cab!

Pull over, buddy!

You're messing with the wrong guy!

All right, you son of a bitch. This is my cab! Out!


Excuse me.

Excuse me.

Excuse me.

Excuse me.

Your attention please. Your attention please. Mid-Central flight 909 to Chicago O'hare has been delayed.

All passengers wishing further information, please contact the ticket agent. When are Grandma and Grandpa and Grandma and Grandpa gonna come?

They're gonna be here tomorrow, honey.

Mom? Yeah.

Do you think Grandpa Walt's gonna give me a noogie?

Of course he's gonna give you a noogie. He loves to give you noogies.

That's how he tells you that he loves you.

Why doesn't he give me noogies?

Because you get Indian burns.

But I prefer noogies.

Keep an eye on your brother.

Hello.

Who is it?

Where are you?

Who is it?

It's Daddy.

Flight delay.

When do you think you'll be in?

Shouldn't be any later than 10.

I'll wait up for you.


I know you, don't I?

I'm usually very good with names, but I'll be damned if I haven't forgotten yours.

You stole my cab.

I've never stolen anything in my life.

I hailed a cab on Park Avenue this afternoon, and before I could get in it, you stole it.

You're the guy who tried to get my cab.

I knew I knew you. Yeah.

You scared the bejesus out of me.

Come to think of it, It was awful easy to get a cab during rush hour.

Forget it.

I can't forget it.

I am sorry.

I had no idea that was your cab.

Let me make it up to you somehow, huh, please?

How about a nice hot dog and a beer?

No, thanks.

Just a hot dog, then.

I'm kind of picky about what I eat.

Some coffee.

No.

Milk? No.

Soda? No.

Some tea? No.

Lifesavers? No.

Slurpee? Sir, please.

Just let me know. I'm here.

I knew I knew you.

This is something you should have discussed with the ticket agent.

I couldn't discuss it with the ticket agent, because I didn't know he put me in coach.

I'm sorry. I can't help you. First class is full.

I have a first class ticket.

You have a coach seat assignment.

Hi, Larry.

Hi, Liz.

Here okay? How about over there?

Oh, here, there. Anywhere's fine.

Pardon me.

Save your boarding pass and you'll get a refund on the difference.

I don't want a refund. I want a seat in first class, where I was booked and ticketed over a month ago.

Look, I've had just about enough of you.

Now take your seat.

Oh, you've had about enough of me?

First you delay me, then you bump me.

I can't wait to see what happens next?

Is this a coincidence or what?

Have a seat.


I never did introduce myself.

Del Griffith.

American Light and Fixture, director of sales, shower curtain ring division.

I sell shower curtain rings.

Best in the world.

And you are?

Neal Page.

Neal Page. Pleased to meet you, Neal Page.

So what do you do for a living, Neal Page?

Marketing. Marketing? Super, super.

Fabulous. Isn't that nice?

Look, I don't want to be rude, but...

I'm not much of a conversationalist, and I'd pretty like to finish this article.

A friend wrote it, so...

Don't let me stand in your way. Please, don't let me stand in your way.

The last thing I want to be remembered is as an annoying blabbermouth.

You know, nothing grinds my gears worse than some chowderhead, who doesn't know when to keep his big trap shut.

You catch me running off at the mouth, just give me a poke at the chops.

Oh, that feels good.

Oh, God, I'm telling you.

My dogs are barking today.

That feels better.


Six bucks and my right nut says we're not landing in Chicago.

Hello. Hi.

Where are you?

I'm in Wichita.

Wichita, Kansas?

Are you all right? What happened?

We couldn't land in Chicago.

I don't understand what Wichita has to do with a snowstorm in Chicago?

What's going on, Neal?

What's going on, is I am in Wichita.

We took off from New York, they closed Chicago, and we landed here.

Neal.

Trouble on the home front?

I really don't think that's any of your concern.

You knowm the finest line a man will walk is between success at work and success at home.

I got a motto: "Like your work, love your wife."

Well, I'll remember that.

What's the flight situation?

Simple.

There's no way on earth we're gonna get out of here tonight.

We'd have more luck playing pickup sticks with our butt cheeks. than we have of getting a flight out of here before daybreak.

I guess we'll find out soon enough.

By the time the airline cancels this flight, which they will sooner or later, you'd have more of a better chance to find a three-legged ballerina than you would a hotel room.

You're saying I could be stuck in Wichita?

I'm saying you are stuck in Wichita.

Ladies and gentlemen, may I have your attention, please.?

I'm sorry to announce that we're canceling flight 909 due to severe weather in Chicago.

Hi, I was wondering if you had any rooms available for tonight?

Anything. Anything will do.

No, I'm sorry. All right.

Do you know of any other motel...

Neal.

Hi.

Well?

Welcome to Wichita.

Did you book a room yet?

I couldn't get in anywhere.

As soon as we got off the plane, you called home, I called the Braidwood Inn.

I missed that one.

I got an idea.

I know the manager pretty well. I sold him some rings for his curtains.

If you want to pick up the cab fare, I'll make sure you get a room for the night.

Yeah. Yeah, sure. Great. All right.

Grab an end of this thing, will you? Thanks, thanks a lot.

This your trunk?

Yeah. You should try lugging this thing around New York City.


Where the hell is the motel?

Doobie, is it much farther?

Not much.

Why didn't you take the interstate?

You said your friend has never been here, so I figured he'd like to look around.

There's nothing on the interstate, but interstate.

It's the middle of the night.

I know, I know, but he's proud of his town.

You know, that's a rare damn thing these days.

Take care of the luggage, will you, Doobie?

Okay, Del.

Get off of me.

Stick with me.

Evening, Gus.

Del Griffith! How the hell are you?

Well, I'm still a million bucks shy of being a millionaire.

Gus, I want you to meet an old friend of mine. This is Neal Page.

Neal, Gus Mooney. Glad to meet you, Nick.

Nice to meet you.

Gus, I told my friend here you'd be able to fix him up with a room tonight.

Do you have a major credit card?

Do you still honor those discount credit cards for the rooms?

Well, I'll have to charge you for a double, but with the discount, it'll come out even.

Oh, there you go. That's pretty good. We're saving money already.

We're a pretty good team.

We were on our way to Chicago from New York and the storm brought us here.

I know all about it. I must have half your flight booked in already.

Well, I guess you're all fixed.

So... there you are.

Last room in the complex.

You mean share?

Hey, easy on that. Okay.


Hell of a cab ride, wasn't it? Yeah, yeah. It was a great cab ride.

You don't see cabs like that too often, you know.

Want to take a shower? No!

No, I meant, did you want to go first?

You thought... I wouldn't...

What do you think I am? Yeah, I know.

Gee, that's funny. That's funny.


Oh, come... come on.


Excuse me.

I'd switch pillows with you, but I'm allergic to sponge.

I've got a bad allergy to it. I'd be sneezing all night with that thing.

That's why I carry my own pillow. It's hypoallergenic.

I had no idea those beer cans were gonna blow like that.

You left them on a vibrating bed. What did you think was gonna happen?

It's been a long day. It just didn't occur to me.

It didn't occur to you, so I have to sleep in a puddle of beer.

You want to switch?

No, I just want to sleep.

Me, too. I am bushed.

Good night.

Good night.


She's sleeping in our house!

I'll have to burn the sheets!

What if it was one of your friends, huh?

What if the shoe was on the other foot?

I'd go barefoot!


Traffic is resuming at O'Hare field, and flights will be moving out of there very shortly.

Sorry.

Goddamn!

What, what? That's it!

If I don't clear my sinuses, I'll snore all night.

If your kid spills his milk, what do you do, slap him in the head?

What, what, what? What is that supposed to mean?

You're not a very tolerant person.

Look, you've been under my skin since New York.

Starting with ripping off my cab.

God, you're a tight-ass.

How would you like a mouthful of teeth?

Oh, and hostile, too.

Nice personality combination.

Hostile and intolerant.

That's borderline criminal.

Screw you!

You spilled beer all over the bed, you smoke, you mess up the bathroom...

Who let you stay in the room?

I even let you pay for it, so you wouldn't feel like an intruder, which you most certainly are.

Oh, I'm an intruder? Yes, you are an intruder.

I was having a prefectly nice trip, untill you walked into my life.

I walked into your life? Who was that who talked my ear off on the plane?

Who was that? I'm curious.

Who told you to book a room? I did. Out of the goodness of my dumb old heart.

Boy, you are an ungrateful jackass.

Well, go ahead, sleep in the lobby, see if I care.

I hope you wake up so stiff, you can't even move.

You're no saint. You got a free cab, you got a free room, and someone who'll listen to your boring stories.

I mean, didn't you notice on the plane when you started talking, eventualIy I started reading the vomit bag?

Didn't that give you some sort of clue like, hey, maybe this guy's not enjoying it?

You know, everything's not an anecdote.

You have to discriminate.

You choose things that are funny or mildly amusing or interesting.

You're a miracle.

Your stories have none of that.

They're not even amusing accidentally.

Honey, I'd like you to meet Del Griffith.

He's got some amusing anecdotes for you.

Here's a gun so you can blow your brains out. You'll thank me for it.

I could tolerate any insurance seminar.

For days, I could sit there and listen to them go on and on with a big smile on my face.

They'd say: "How can you stand it?"

And I'd say: "Cause I've been with Del Griffith.

"I can take anything."

You know what they'd say? They'd say:

"I know what you mean.

"The shower curtain ring guy."

It's like going on a date with a Chatty Cathy doll.

I expect you have a little string on your chest, you know, that I pull out and have to snap back.

Except I wouldn't pull it out and snap it back, you would.

By the way, you know, when you're telling these little stories, here's a good idea.

Have a point.

It makes it so much more interesting for the listener.

You want to hurt me?

Go right ahead, if it makes you feel any better.

I'm an easy target.

Yeah, you're right.

I talk too much.

I also listen too much.

I could be a cold-hearted cynic like you.

But I don't like to hurt people's feelings.

Well, you think what you want about me.

I'm not changing.

I like... I like me.

My wife likes me.

My customers like me.

'Cause I'm the real article.

What you see is what you get.


Del.

Hmm? Yeah.

Why did you kiss my ear?

Why are you holding my hand?

Where's your other hand?

Between two pillows.

Those aren't pillows!

See that Bears' game last week? Yeah, hell of game. Hell of a game.

Bears've got a great team this year. They're gonna go all the way.


Hey, Neal, take my socks out of the sink if you're going to brush your teeth, all right?

Where are you?

I'm in Wichita.

You're still at the airport?

No, I'm at a motel. I spent the night with this guy I met on the plane.

You shared a motel room with a stranger? Are you crazy?

Not yet, but I'm getting there.

Did you call the airline?

Everything's booked solid, but they said I have a good chance of getting on standby.

And if they told you wolverines would make good house pets, would you believe them?

I'm not spending Thanksgiving in Wichita.

I got a family waiting for me. I'll get home.

Not by airplane.

They got 18 hours of air traffic backed up.

Anyway you slice it, the odds are we're going to have our turkey roll right here.

If we wait for the flight.

How the hell else can we get home? Thanks.

Burt Dingman. A buddy of mine. He works for the railroad.

Train? Yeah.

I sold them all their shower curtain rings.

He owes me a favor.

I'll get that. I paid for everything else.

Why break precedent?

You're making me feel like a freeloader.

Get me on the train, we're square.

You got it. That's the easy part.

What?

You know goddamn well what.

I'm sorry. I don't.

I had over $700 in here.

I didn't touch you dough, Neal. I'm a lot of things, but I'm not a thief.

You went into my stuff last night, right?

I didn't take your money.

And I don't care for the accusation.

Well, I had over $700 in here. You went into my wallet for pizza.

Just maybe when you went into it, you had to--

Count it!

Oh, like you'd keep it in there if you stole it.

There's $263 in there.

There's a dollar more, then you can call me a thief.

Just count it.

Count it!

263, right?

Empty. What?!

We were robbed.

Do you think so?

You know, I've been thinking.

What we're dealing with here is a small time crook.

He didn't take the credit cards, right?

So we charge our way home.

What kind of plastic do you carry?

I've got a Visa and a gasoline card.

Oh, I've got a Neiman-Marcus card in case we want to buy a gift for someone.

What have you got?

Chalmer's Big and Tall Men's Shoppe.

It's a seven-outlet chain in the Pacific Northwest.

Great stuff.

Unfortunately, it does us no good here.

Oh, never mind.

Just get me to the train station and I'll take care of everything else.

Oh, I got all that covered. Gus' son is going to pick us up.

This is not him, is it?

Gee, I hope not.


Are you Gus' son?

I'm Owen.

You the shower curtain fella?

Yeah. Yeah. Del Griffith.

How are you?

This is Neal Page from Chicago.

Hi.

Pleased to meet you both.

I'm to drive you to Wichita to catch a train?

Yeah, we'd appreciate it.

Train don't run out of Wichita.

'Lessen you're a hog or cattle.

People train runs out of Stubbville.

That'll be fine.

That'll be just fine.

Leave it be.

Get your lazy behind out here and put that trunk on the back.

Oh, no, no. We've got it.

It's very heavy.

She don't mind.

She's short and skinny, but she's strong.

Her first baby come out sideways.

She didn't scream or nothing.

Isn't that something?

You're a real trooper.

We've got it. We've got it already. It's done.

You know, Stubbville's a little further than Wichita.

How much further?

30 miles.

Maybe 40.

No more than 45 though.

Depending on which way he goes.

If he goes the back roads, it could be anywhere up to 70 miles.

Give me the glove.

Ow! Just nipped. Little part.

Give him the goddamn glove!

Are we there yet?

No, a little way to go yet.

Beautiful country though, isn't it?

What do you figure the temperature is?

One.


Thanks.

They didn't have two together.

You got to be kidding me.

Oh, I knew it.

You know, the secretary was new, and I explained it.

Oh, gee... I'm sorry.

Yeah, I thnik they're just full.

Well, it's the holidays, I guess.

Hey, we're lucky we got a ticket.

Yeah. So, if I don't see you again.

Well, I'll see you on the train.

You want to get together for a drink in the bar car?

I'm going to get some sleep.

You sure? Yeah.

Anyway, it's been interesting.

That's the understatement of the year.

And thanks for the ticket.

Neal! I need your address.

I got to send you the money to pay you back for this ticket.

Ticket's a gift.

Oh, no, no, no, no. Come on now. What's the address?

Del, it's a gift.

Happy holidays.

Same to you.

Hi.

Going home for Thanksgiving? Yeah.

Me, too.

We're just going to make it.


What did you do here?

Is there smoke? Did you say you smell smoke?


You walk a mile, a mile and-a-half to the highway up here.

The trucks will meet you and they'll take you into Jefferson City.


You're in a pretty lousy mood, huh?

To say the least.

You ever travel by bus before?

Your mood's probably not going to improve much.


Neal, Neal. Check that out.

Beats a movie on a plane, huh?

Why don't you take a picture? It'll last longer.

You got busted.

Oh, that was good.

I guess this is probably as good a time as any to tell you this.

Our tickets are only good to St. Louis.

St. Louis to Chi-town is booked tighter than Tom Thumb's ass.

Look, it's Thanksgiving.

All right!

That was fun, wasn't it?

All right. Who knows a tune here? Who wants to sing a tune?

Who's got a song?

I got one... You got one? Neal Page has got one.

# Three coins in a fountain #

# Each one seeking hap... # You know this? # ...seeking happiness #

# Thrown by three hopeful lovers # No?

# Flintstones. Meet the Flintstones #

# They're the modern stone age family #

# From the town of Bedrock #

# They're a page right out of history #

# When you're with the Flintstones #

# Have a yabba dabba doo time #

# A dabba doo time #

# You'll have a gay old time #

Wilma!

How do you do, ma'am? My name's Del Griffith.

I'm with the American Light and Fixture Company, Jewelry division.

And I've got the deal of a lifetime for you. Do you have a minute?

This is your Diane Sawyer autographed earring.

Do you ever watch Sixty Minutes?

Thanks.

This is Czechoslovakian ivory.

That's it. It's $5.

Great.

This is your Walter Cronkite moon ring.

Thank you.

They are filled with helium, so they're very light.

Thank you.

This is an autographed Darryl Strawberry earring.

All right!

These are very special earrings, by the way.

These were originally handcrafted for the Grand Wizard of China back in the fourth century.

Now, these, of course, aren't the originals, but they are replicas. Very good replicas, too.

They're selling for $5 a pair. Two for $7.

I'm Marti Page, and I'm thankful that my dad's coming home for Thanksgiving.

You know something?

It makes you look a little older, too.

I mean not just a little bit.

You could pass for 18 or 19.

Did you call the wife?

No one was home.

Probably at my daughter's Thanksgiving pageant.

You missed it.

I'm sorry. Those...

Those are the precious moments, too.

They don't come back again.

I've been spending too much time away from home.

I haven't been home in years.

What, seriously?

No, it's a figure of speech.

You know, I'm on the road so much, it's like not being there.

By the way, I called a good friend of mine at Eastern Airlines.

It doesn't look good.

I know. I called all the airlines.

Well, at least we're still sitting on over 100 beans from my brilliant idea.

You're a terrific salesman.

You know...

I've been thinking that when we put our heads together, we really... we've really gotten nowhere.

And... you know, I think I'm holding you up.

Oh, no. Don't say that about yourself. That's not true, Neal. It really isn't true.

No, I really think we'll get to where we're going a lot faster if... we were alone.

Okay?

Okay.

I see.

I think I'm just going to take care of this and I think I'm going to get going.

I appreciate that. Yeah, that's fine.

You know, it's just harder for two people to travel. You know?

Yeah. Yeah. Sure it is.

And if you've got reservations...

Yeah. Yeah, I know what you're saying.

Thanks for the meal.

Yeah, okay, that's all right.

And I owe you some of this, too.

No, no, no, no. Del.

Del, I told you it was a gift. This is your cut, all right?

I'm not taking your money. Take the money.

Buy your kids a chocolate turkey or something. No, no, you get your kids something.

You take it. Take it. Take it. I don't want the money, okay?

I don't need anything for my kids. I'm just going to leave it there.

Then leave it. If you want to leave it, fine.

That's okay. I'm done, okay?

I've got to get going now, so if you'll excuse me...

I got things to do.

So...

Good luck to you and I hope you get home soon.

I'll see you.

Yeah, sure you will.

It's a white Lincoln town car, space V-5.

V-5 V-5.

V-5.

Hey! Hey!

Hey! Hey!

Hey! Hey! Hey!

Hey, the car's not there!

I need a ride back!

You...

God!

Goddamn it!

Goddamn it!

You're messing with the wrong guy!


You're messing with the wrong guy!

Oh, gee, Marie, you're a stitch.

No, mom's going to do the turkey.

Yeah, dad wants ambrosia, so I guess we're going to get those miniature marshmallows.

And I'll do the crescent rolls, and you do the cranberries.

You know I can't cook.

Yeah, Well, I'll see you tomorrow then.

Gobble gobble.

Oh, bye-bye.

Welcome to Marathon. May I help you?

Yes.

How may I help you?

You can start by wiping that fucking dumb-ass smile off your rosy fucking cheeks.

Then you can give me a fucking automobile.

A fucking Datsun, a fucking Toyota, a fucking Mustang, a fucking Buick.

Four fucking wheels and a seat.

I really don't care for the way you're speaking to me.

And I really don't care for the way your company left me in the middle of fucking nowhere with fucking keys to a fucking car that isn't fucking there.

And I really didn't care to fucking walk down a fucking highway and across a fucking runway to get back here to have you smile at my fucking face.

I want a fucking car right fucking now.

May I see your rental agreement?

I threw it away.

Oh, boy.

Oh, boy, what?

You're fucked.

You're messing with the wrong guy!

Okay, 86, wake up. You're going to block the line.

Yeah, where you going? Chicago.

Chicago? Chicago.

You know you're in St. Louis?

Yes, I do.

Why don't you try the airlines? They are a lot faster and you get a free meal.

If I wanted a joke, I'd follow you into the john and watch you take a leak.

Now, are you going to help me or are you going to stand there like a slab of meat with mittens.

What are you doing?

I almost crushed your head like a melon.

Del?

Get your car out of here!

Just a minute, okay?

Get it out of here!

What is your problem?

You insensitive asshole.

Can't you see we've got an injured man down on the street?

Now, I'll move my car, but I want you help him up.

No!

My pleasure.

You know, I had a feeling that when we parted ways, somehow, someday, our paths would cross again.

Are you all right?

I've never seen a guy get picked up by his testicles before.

Lucky thing for you that cop passed by when he did.

Otherwise, you'd be lifting your schnutz to tie your shoes.

I'm sorry. That's terrible.

Do you have any idea how glad I am I didn't kill you?

Do you have any idea how glad I'd be if you had?

Oh, come on, pal. You don't mean that.

Remember what I said about going with the flow?

How I am supposed to go with the flow when the rental car agency leaves me in a 100-acre parking-lot with keys to a car that isn't there, and then I have to hike 3 miles back to find out they don't have any more cars?

I got a car, no sweat at all.

Well, Del, you're a charmed man.

Nope. Oh, I know.

You just go with the flow.

Like a twig on the shoulders of a mighty stream.


Would you please stop doing that with the seat?

Once you start screwing around with these damn things, you can never get comfortable.

Then quit screwing around with it.

I got to get comfortable.

Do you have a bad back?

Well, I do and it hurts like a bugger.

There's only a couple good positions.

You're going to break it.

Done.

Ah, lovely.

Lovely, lovely.

Oh, damn it.

What now?

I got the seat right where I want it.

I can't reach my feet to get my shoes off.

That's just fine. Leave your shoes on.

I can't relax if I got my shoes on.

I don't care to breathe your foot odor. Leave the shoes on!

Gee, it must be swell to be so perfect and odor-free.

You know, there's plenty of things about you that bother me, but I'm decent enough not to bring them up.

Really, really? That's right, yeah.

What do I do that bothers you?

I'm just curious. Well, there's lots of things that you do.

Name one. Why don't you name one? There's quite a few things.

You want me to name one? Yeah.

Fine...

You play with your balls a lot.

I do not play with my balls.

Larry Bird doesn't do as much ball handling in one night as you do in an hour.

Are you trying to start a fight?

No, I'm simply stating a fact, that's all.

You fidget with your nuts a lot.

You know what would make me happy?

Another couple of balls and an extra set of fingers?

Oh, that's humor.

Oh, that's real humor.

What would make be happy is if you give your mouth a rest.

My pleasure.

I'd like a little silence when I drive. No problem.

Thank you very much. You're welcome.

You broke the seat.

You broke the goddamn seat. I don't believe it.

It wasn't broken when I got out.

You messed around with it till you broke it.

How can you break a car seat. It's impossible.

What do you mean it's impossible?

You want to drive? No I don't.

Why did you do this?

Look, I'm not going to be held responsible for faulty engineering.

Oh, boy, this is comfortable. This is really comfortable.

I don't want to argue, all right? Let's not fight.

All right, all right.

Now, I'm gonna go to sleep. All right.

I'm putting my wallet in the glove compartment. Don't let me forget it.

All right.


That was Ray Charles doing The Mess Around.

Looking outside, the weather's beginning to clear up now. I hope you're enjoying your evening with us. We're coming up half past the hour...


Oh, come on.

Right.

Oh, shit!