Play the Game (2009) Script

Step one: reconnaissance.

First you need to identify your target.

How about her?

No, she's not planning on taking anything home with her tonight.

What about that hottie down there?


Not buying.


How about this guy?


But he looks like the type of guy that would lowball me.

Service manager, line three.

Service manager, line three.


She's the one.

I bet I'll have her sold in less than five minutes.

Come on.

Not only that, I'm gonna sell her the flame car.

No way.

Watch this.

Yes, Mrs. Kennedy, I realize it's the only one in the city, and that is why I'm holding it for you.

You are going to single-handedly make it stylish for women to drive cars with flames on them.

Exactly, more chic than women smoking cigars.

I promise you I will not sell it to anyone else.

You're very welcome.

I'll see you in half an hour.

All right.

Excuse me.

Can you tell me about this car here?


You got her digits, too, didn't you?


I don't know how you do it.

Hate to admit it, man, but it's my dad.

That's why he owns the place.

Hey, your dad's got about a dozen more flame cars in the back.

You care which color I bring out next to the showroom?

Your call.

Good to see you, Mrs. Cranston.

David, I missed you.

I missed you, too.


I'm surprised you remember how to find the place.

Where is he?

He's in the game room.

He's expecting you.

You two haven't spoken in how long?

And you think I'm just gonna let you show up and surprise him?

I hear you're gonna drag my husband out again tonight.

Yup, just gonna play a little poker at the dealership with the boys.

That's on his list of approved activities, isn't it?

Don't even try and play me like you play your little bimbos, okay?

Rob already caved.

I know all about your plans.

I don't know what you're talking about.


I'm sure you're gonna find quality ladies at...

What's the name of that club Rob told me?

I think it was Imagine.


And we're going to a nicer club this time.


To find nicer bimbos?


He's married, David.

Stop dragging him to these things.

Hey, hey, I've been trying to get a hold of you, David.

I think he had a mild stroke about an hour ago.

What, what?

Oh, my... oh, my God.

Oh, Grandpa!

Oh, Grandpa.


Hey, Grandpa, can your hear me, are you all right?

Oh, my God, I can't believe this.

I'm so sorry, Grandpa.

You were like a father to me.

I love you so much.

Da... vid...

Da... David, yeah.

Grandpa, it's me, it's David.


I... got... you.

I got you, yes.

Of course you've got me, Grandpa.

I'm right here.

I got you!

You sick son of a bitch.

I can't believe you did that.

I can't believe you fell for that.

You think they'd just leave me sitting out here after I just had a stroke?

All right, this was a bad idea.

No, no, no, don't go.

I'm sorry, it was a bad joke.

I'm sorry.

But I gotta say, it was nice having the old David back for a moment and hearing such nice things.

There's no old David.

Okay, it's just me.

Well, how have you been?

Fine... you?

Oh, my dentures don't fit and I'm growing a bunion.

But I ain't got hemorrhoids.

So I guess I can't complain.

It's these others who are sick.

It's depressing.

I hope I don't look like that when I'm their age.

You're 84, you are their age.

They're in their 90s.

Hell, that guy over there I think's 150.

He knows too much about the Civil War.

You still in that crappy job of yours, selling cars with your dad?

Play some chess like the old days?

Do you know what today is?

She was my wife, David.

Of course I know.

It's been two years, Grandpa.

Carrie tells me that you don't talk to anyone.

You sit around sad all day.

You can't go on like this.

I'm lost without her.

Sometimes it's hard to get through the day.

I can't take it anymore.

You know, last week, I almost tried to end it.

Off myself. That's not funny.

Don't you wanna know how?

Straight razor.

I figured, well, if I'm gonna go, it's got to be dramatic.

A big, bloody mess.

All right, enough, Grandpa, okay.

This has gone on far too long.

It's time that you started socializing with women.

Oh, no, I'm too old.

Grandma told me you promised her.


Yeah, I did.

And I never broke a promise to that sweet woman.

And I tried, but I just couldn't.

Well, I promised her something, too.

That I would help you keep your promise to her if you couldn't.

Well, I'm gonna help you.

You're gonna help me?

Who's gonna help you?

No offense, David, but you never were a real Rudolph Valentino with the women.

Actually, Grandpa, you might find this hard to believe, but over the past few years, I've become quite the chick magnet.

Yeah, that is hard for me to believe.

What are you doing tonight?

Oh, I got big plans tonight.

"60 Minutes" is doing an Andy Rooney retrospective.

Well, you can record it.

Because, like it or not, we're going out.

We are? Yup.

If you wanna win the game with women, you first have to learn how to play the game.

I'm gonna teach you every trick I've got.


Where are we going?

Well, if you wanna meet women... you go where the women meet.

Yo, Sergio.

I need two drafts and a glass of hot water with lemon.

So... I saw your wife at the home today.

Lovely as usual.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

You went with the poker story, right?

Yeah, and she told me you caved already.


Please say you didn't tell her.

You know how she hates when I go rolling for honeys with you!

She told me you caved already!

Oh, what?

You idiot, I didn't cave.

You caved!

Oh, she... she totally played you.

Damn it.

Damn it.

There you go.

All right.

What are you expecting, a flood?

Come on.

There you go.


You okay there?


No, I don't have hemorrhoids.

I'm avoiding them.


Did you know the average person experiences over three "G"s of pressure in their butt as they sit down?

Uh, no, no, I didn't know that.

Yeah, the slower you sit, the less "G"s.

The way I do it, it's like I'm sitting on the moon.

That's fascinating, Mr. Ward.

You're full of interesting factoids.

The Discovery Channel never lets me down.

And not only that...


I was an apprentice to Harry Houdini back in the day.


It's true, David.

I was in the tank with him at the Shelton for his last show.

He taught me everything he knew.

The secret to the milk-can escape...

Are you ready to get to work, Grandpa?

Oh, yes, sir.

Ready and waiting. Okay, good.

Step one...

Step one: reconnaissance.

First you need to identify your target.

I go for a nice-looking, intelligent girl who I think can keep up with me intellectually.

What about her?

Nice, but she's drinking red wine, and I like this shirt way too much.

Ultimately, I give up on the nice girl and go for the hot chick.

What? Metamucil?

Oh, forgive me.

Where are my manners?

Oh, that's...

Oh, no, no, no... Okay. Cool.

Oh. There.

All right, now, step two: the approach.

You have to meet her, or, more accurately, you have her meet you.

Planned spontaneity, Grandpa.

That's the name of the game.

You gotta have her thinking that she discovered you.

If she knows you're pursuing her, it's all over.

Excuse me. Oh!

Oh, my God, I am so sorry.

That jerk-face.

Sure it's childish.

But if you find a woman drinking club soda, the shirt practically cleans itself.

Here, let me buy you a drink.

All right. Come on.

Step three: the buildup.

You gotta get her interested in you.

And that's easy.

You just show her how smart you are.

You know, I never understood why this salt thing takes out stains.

Well, salt is actually sodium chloride and the water from the stain sublimates the molecule's ionic bonds, which releases energy and cleans the stain.

Sometimes you gotta make stuff up.

But if you say it with confidence, it's safe to assume they're not gonna look it up to see if you're right.

Sergio, Sergio.

Step four: the follow-through.

Just in case things don't go well that night, always have some reason to see her again.

David, I almost forgot.

You won a sweet item from the charity raffle last month.


Thank you, that's great.

It's dinner for two at Charlie Trotter's.

This is my mom's favorite restaurant.

She'll be so excited.

Oh, that's so sweet.

Oh, no, it expires on Sunday and she's out of town this weekend.

This sucks.

Hey, you know what... she can't use 'em, there's no use letting 'em go to waste.

Would you like to go?

Sure, I'd love to.


Just take somebody who appreciates good food.

This move is like the Jedi mind trick.

"Why don't you go with me?

They're your certificates."

Well, hey, they're your certificates.

Why don't you go with me?

And the most important step?

Step five: the Groucho effect.

Groucho Marx once said, "I wouldn't belong to any club that would have me as a member."

Well, it was very nice meeting you, Susan, and I look forward to dinner.

Leaving so soon?

If you show interest in a girl too soon, if she gets into the club too easily, she thinks she can do better.

You know what?

I promised my girlfriend I would try and stop by tonight.

Your girlfriend?

But if you make her work to get into the club, she thinks she's lucky to get you.

Why don't you stay for just one more glass of wine?

You know what?

I'd love to, but I really shouldn't.

It's extremely difficult and a bit of a gamble.

But if you have patience and play the game right, it pays off.

Come on.

One more glass isn't gonna kill you, is it?

And when she fills your wine glass slightly more than hers, it means she wants to take advantage of you.

That's when you know you've won.


Game over.

Watching you in action last night, David, was amazing.

Just amazing.

Rob get you home okay?

Forget about me.

I wanna hear what happened with you.

Well, let me put it this way.

Look what I'm wearing.

It's the same clothes I wore last night.

Well, I'll be glad to pay for some new clothes if things are a little tight.

No, I didn't change clothes from last night.

Talk about lazy.

Think, Grandpa.


Why didn't I change clothes?


Oh, you devil, you!

All right, all right.


Step one: reconnaissance.

Do you know what kind of woman you wanna meet?

Yeah, your grandmother.

Let me explain something to you, David.

I'm not gonna waste my time on just anybody.

I have needs, you see.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

Hold on.


Are you... are you saying that you can still... do the wild thing?

The what thing?

That you're still able to... perform.

On stage?

In bed.


No way.

Are you kidding?

That thing died years before your grandmother did.

Should have had it amputated for all the good it does.

So then what are these needs?

A man needs the real McCoy.

The only thing that matters.


What, brains?


Have you ever had a companion in your life, David?

Sure, I've dated lots of girls.

Oh, horse feathers.

I mean a real companion.

Mmm, how would I know?

There's only two ways to know she's your real companion.

You either know it when you meet her, or know it when you lose her.

Your companion is a woman you care about.

A woman you could call your best friend.

A woman you could tell anything to.

A woman whose hand you really want to hold.

That's the first time we held hands as man and wife.

We didn't let go for four hours and 23 minutes.

I timed it.

But eventually nature called, and I had to let go.

Your great-grandmother served fried chicken at the reception that went through me like a racecar.

But the point is, that's what your grandmother was to me.

The old bearcat.

Companion, huh?

That's what it's all about.

And that's what I need.

Oh, shoot.

Where are you going?

I'm so... I gotta get to work, Grandpa.

Dad's gonna kill me.

Well, are you coming back to help me?

I already taught you everything you need to know about meeting women.

You just gotta do it now.

Will I see you again, David?



I don't know.

Soon, okay?

I'll see you soon.

I don't care if it's on hold.

Take it off hold... I got cash.

I want this flame car today.

Pick up line two.

Abby in the loan department.

Sold another flame car.

Sign it.

How's the profit on this one?


David... you have the gift.

Like that thing you do with the customer where you say, "Oh, I'm sorry, you can't have this car".

I mean, that's beautiful.

It's like you have a sixth sense for reading and closing.

How's your grandfather?

Oh, you think I'm an idiot.

You buy him a place in a retirement community, then he ignores you all this time, and you come back with an olive branch?

Even your mother, God rest her soul, she wouldn't want you to have anything to do with him.

All right, thanks for the advice, Dick.

Like I've told you, David.

When it's just the two of us here at work, you can call me Dad.

Okay... Dick.

Okay, bye.

So not only did you blow

"the poker night with the guys" story, but your grandfather told Carrie all the details about last night.

Hey, listen.

I have only two joys in this life.

One is watching you be the bachelor that I never was, and the other is being the pro football quarterback that I never was.

You realize how sad that is?

Carrie is freaking out.

And now both my joys are at risk.

She's not gonna play football tomorrow.

I'm sorry, man.

No, no, no need to apologize.

Because, as punishment for screwing up, you're gonna sub for her in tomorrow's game.

Oh, come on.

Yes, you are.

Teams three and ten, game on!

Okay, guys, let's do this.

James, you got a scouting report?

The ref called the wrong team.

We're not even supposed to play these guys.

So I don't have any info.


Okay, let's see what these guys are made of.

Joanie, down and out.

David, fake and go long.


All right, let's go, let's go.

You're covering me?

No, I didn't mean anything sexist.

I just wanna confirm, you're covering me?

You know, I bet I'm better at this game than you are.

I don't think so.



What is that?

I think so.

Oh, your elbow's bleeding.

Oh, it's a little "abrusion".


Yeah, you know, it's like a bruise and an abrasion.

It's a new word just released by Webster's last week.

Didn't get the memo.

You will, I'm on the committee.

You sound very bright.

Oh, yeah, I'm Mensa.

Graduated eighth in my class.


Huh, I was seventh.

If you wanna meet women, go where the women meet.

Um... top... top of the morning to you, ma'am.

How are you today?

I'm good.

Can I help you?

My name's Joe.

And I was wondering, uh...

I was wondering if you'd like to have lunch, talk a bit and...

Oh, how sweet.

How old are you, Joe?

Uh, I'm 79.

Well, I'm very flattered, Joe.

But I'm sorry.

I don't date older men.

Older men?

We might have some fun for a while.

But sooner or later, you would get sick, and I'll be the one that has to take care of you and eventually decide whether or not to take you off of life support.

Been there, done that.

I've earned my inheritance already.

But now that's too much pressure for me.

Now if you will excuse me, I'm late for a game of mah-jongg.


You're covering me?

Seventh in your class, huh?

Quick, what's the capital of Zambia?



Who's Bobby Brady's first kiss with?


But very good question.

King of England, 1630.

George V. Very impressive.

You don't even know the answers to these questions.

I certainly do.

James II was king in 1630.


I'm open!

Go, Julie, go, go, go, go, go, go!

Game over!

Blue team wins it.

Let's move.

All right, Blue!

Yeah, nice pass.


Way to show her who's boss.

She's a fast one, isn't she?

Nice rack, too.


Overthrow me? With pleasure.


My bad.

Here you go.


Thank you, come again.

Next time, huh?

I gotta go.

Thank you.

Oh, Rose.

Over here, honey.

That's my boyfriend.

I've gotta go.

A rose for Rose.



Let's go.

Hey, can we play team three today?

Sorry, bro, schedule's set.

This job gets better and better every week.

Ingenious plan.

I guess it didn't include her not showing up, did it?

She ain't here.

We're gonna kill them.


Hey, I guess we're playing you guys again.

I wonder how that happened, man.

I don't know.

Too bad you guys are missing that superstar girl you had last week, huh?

What was her name? Julie Larabee.

Julie Larabee, that's right.

Hey, listen, we need a sub next week.

Do any of you guys have her number or an address or something?

Sure, just get a hold of me after the game, all right?

Good luck, buddy.

6:00 in the morning?

Every morning like clockwork.


Excuse me, ma'am.

The tables are filling, so do you mind if this gentleman joins you?

How nice.

And how are you this fine evening?

I'm nice.

And you?

Well, fantastic now that I've had the opportunity to meet a lady as lovely as yourself.

You are too nice.

I'm Maxine.

What's your name?

I'm Joe.

And I'm from Hyde Park, originally.

Oh, that's nice.

My cousin Myrna lives in Rogers Park.


It's very nice.

You know... you are very nice-looking.

Thank you.

I'm Maxine.

What's your name?

I told you.

It's Joe.

Where are you from, Joe?

Hyde Park.

Oh, that's nice.

My cousin Myrna lives in Rogers Park.

Good morning, ma'am.

I'm sorry, dear.

I just can't do it.

I'm... I'm just too old.

I know I promised you, and I'm sorry.

I'm so sorry.




This is my home, you can't just break in here, David.

Actually, I own the place, so, technically, it's my home.

And what did you expect me to do when you leave a message on my machine saying good-bye?

I can't do it, David.

I can't take it anymore.

I'm done.

You're not done, okay?

You're just afraid of getting hurt.

You're damn right I'm afraid of getting hurt.

Getting hurt hurts.

I'd rather feel lonely than to feel this way.

It's just not worth it.

No, it is worth it.

No, it's not, not for me.

You just need to get more in your element, okay?

Ditch that old brown suit that I know you're wearing, go and shop for some new clothes.

You know, get a little more casual.

And then, find the right place to look for the ladies.

Will you help me then, David?


Look at you.

Grandpa, you the man.

You a player now.

You lookin' sick, you lookin' dope.

Why the hell would you dress me like a dope?

All right, so you see anybody interesting?

What about her?

Isn't she a bit... large for you?

Not the brunette, the blond.

Oh, uh, I think the blond might be a little advanced for you, Hef.

Why don't we try and find someone a bit more your own age?

How about her?


Another rose for Rose.


You stole that rose.

You could go to jail for that.

Well, that's a risk I'm willing to take.

That mean you won't accept it?

Well, I just worry about what will happen to us when the police come.

Well, we'll fight 'em off like Bonnie and Clyde.

Bonnie and Clyde?

That's a deal.

Oh, listen, I never got your name when we first met.

It's Joe, and I'm delighted to meet you again.

Nice to meet you, too.


Please excuse me.

Have a beautiful day.

She's got a boyfriend.

I noticed.

Thought I was gonna have to step in and break up a fight for a second there.


All right, come on, shake it off.

How about her?

Down and up.

And up.

Good, good, good.

Okay, um...

All right, listen.

The delt machine's next on her circuit, so get over there and do just like we planned.

The wh... wh... what machine?

Next to the rhomboid machine.


Just go, go over there.

All right, Edna, that was awesome.

Oh, thanks. You rock.

There's somebody on the delt machine, so I'm just gonna grab another cup and I'll meet you at the bike, okay?

Hey! So sorry.

I'm so sorry.


It's all right, I'll live.

I'm Joe.

Hey, Joe, I'm Edna.

How late?

Really late.

All right, what night does she go?

Don't know.

Depends on when she runs out of clothes, I suppose.

Very dirty clothes.


Call me.


You're embarrassing me, David.

What the...

I want you to get out there and sell me some cars.

Hey there.

What's this?

Uh, our laundry.

Carrie figured you might as well be productive while you're stalking your woman at the Laundromat.

Oh, and, uh, make sure you wash Carrie's stuff on the delicate cycle.

Excuse me?

Excuse me?

Uh, hi there.

Um, I think your wash is done.

Thanks, Julie.

Nice bra.

Excuse me?

Your bra, I like it.

It's very sexy.

Oh, no, no, this... I... I...

There's no explanation necessary.

I'll just let my imagination run wild.

It's my girlfriend's.

I'm sure it is.

I was beginning to think I was the only late-night washer.


You know, there's fewer people.

No waiting for machines.

No one finds out you're a cross-dresser.

That too.

I'm David.

Hi, David.

It's nice to meet you.

Uh, custom dictates this is where you jump in and you tell me your name.

But somehow you already know my name.

When I woke you up, you said, "Thanks, Julie".


Yeah, of course.

No, I... yeah, when I, um...

Yeah, no, actually now, we have met before.



I'm a little hurt you don't remember.

That's right.

Oh, my God, silly.

We met at Victoria's Secret when you were buying that beautiful bra.

Actually I buy my lingerie mail-order.

It's more discreet that way.


So... where have we met?

Football a couple weeks ago?

That's right.

You were Mr. Trivial Pursuit, trying to stump me.

Well, um, it's nice to meet you, David.

Nice to meet you, Julie.

Boxers or briefs?


Oh, I forgot.

It's panties.



Actually, um, right now, I'm commando.

Wow, impressive.

I know.

All right, um, Ernie or Bert?


I never really had a thing for long, yellow, oval heads.

I see, you're partial to the squashed, orange flat heads.

Uh-huh, yeah.

Oh, me too.

Snickers or Milky way?

Oh, neither.

The Curly Wurly.

It's the most amazing candy.

I have to import it from...

England. England.


What are the chances?



Guess it's time to bring out the big guns.


Top or bottom?

Well, you weren't kidding.

Um, top.




Yeah, I always, always start brushing my teeth on the bottom.

Your teeth?

What did you think I was talking about?

Oh, my gosh, that is terrible.

What kind of girl do you think I am?

Oh, come on, that's not fair.

Who said anything about playing fair?

I'm gonna go to the bathroom.



Oh, good, the dryers are done.

Oh, perfect.

That's weird.

My clothes are still wet.

Weird, mine, too.

Ah, I hate these machines.

I guess we'll have to run 'em again.

Oh, well.

I think being a graphic designer helps me to be more creative.

It sounds like a really cool, rewarding job.

I'm jealous.

Well, I'm sure being a car salesman's pretty rewarding.

I mean, I'm sure you've helped a lot of people buy their first car and given them a huge sense of independence.

Oh, it's not like that.

Why not?

It's a big game.

I read people's insecurities, I make them think they're getting something they don't deserve, and then I convince them to spend more than they should.

Can't you just sell them a car they can afford?

I could, and then my dad would fire me.



Well, isn't there any other job you'd find rewarding?


I was actually studying to get my masters in health-care administration, and then right before I finished, my grandmother died, and my grandpa sort of fell apart, so I had to buy him a condo in a retirement community.

Oh, yeah, I know how that is.

We had to put my grandma in a retirement community for the same reason.

She just couldn't take the isolation.


Anyway, to afford the mortgage, I had to go back to selling cars with my dad.

Well, why didn't your dad just pay for it?

Well, my dad left my mom and me when I was eight, right before she died, so my grandpa and him don't get along all that well.

Or at all.

But when I needed the money, my dad really came through for me with the job.

How'd your grandfather like that?

Well, he got all upset because he thinks my dad's a bad influence on me.

He's probably right.

And we stopped talking for a while.

I have been looking for these for weeks.

They're, uh, gift certificates to my girlfriend's favorite restaurant.


They expire on Sunday and she's out of town until Monday.

That sucks.

Hey, you know what?

She's not gonna use them.

There's no use letting them go to waste.

Would you like to go?

That's so nice of you to offer.

Just make sure you take somebody who really appreciates good food.

You know...

Thanks, David.

It's really nice of you.

Well, that's it for me.

Well, David, it was nice to meet you.


It was nice to meet you.

Hey, uh, Julie.


Have a good night.

Good night.

So did you come up with a reason to see her again?

I found out her favorite movie star is Rita Hayworth.

I already talked to the girl that plans movie night.

You're a genius.

As soon as the movie arrives, I'm gonna call Edna...


No, Grandpa.

You have to wait until she calls you.

Take it from the genius.

Well, it sounds like the genius just stuck his big, fat head up his ass.

In my day, no respectable woman would ever call a man, ever.

Well, it isn't your day anymore.

The rules of the game have changed.

Oh, applesauce.

You're all wet.

Trust me, Grandpa, I know what I'm doing.

I finally met that girl that I've been after.

Did you find out her favorite movie star?

That one works like a charm.

No, I stole her panties.

You what?

What kind of sicko move is that?

Is that how I raised you?

It was a fair trade.

I planted a pair of jeans in her laundry.

Oh... so now you're wearing the panties and she's wearing the pants.

Oh, great.

Stupid, dumb, idiot plan.

How were your steaks? Oh, delicious, thanks.

Could we pay with these?

Of course.

Enough already.

I haven't left my damn room in three days.


Uh, hi, Edna.

It's Joe.

Hello, Joe.

I'm glad you caught me.

Um, I was just running out the door to the store for some milk.

Well, uh...

I... I... I see that... that "Gilda" is playing on Monday, and I know that Rita Hayworth is your favorite, and I wondered if, uh, well, it might be good if, uh, if you wanted to, to see... see that talkie with me, if you wanted to.

It's at 2:00 on Monday.

Well, let me check my calendar.

Well, Joe, um...

I think I'm free.


I'll see you then.


Your package is here.

Well, hello, Mr. Trivia.

I have something that I think belongs to you.


You cross-dressing men just can't help yourselves, can you?

Yeah, they were cute, but they didn't fit.

So... hey, did you find a pair of my girlfriend's jeans in your laundry?

Mm-mm, no.

You didn't? Mm-mm.

Are you sure?

They were, uh, blue with red flowers on them?

No, but if they turn up, I'll let you know.

Sorry, I just got a call.

I've got to go into work today, Dollface.

I'm off like a bride's nightie.


David, this is my boyfriend, Paul.

Paul, this is David.

David is the only other person in the city who does his laundry at night.

Oh, David!

Yes, it's an absolute pleasure to make your acquaintance.

Oh, and thanks dearly for the lovely prezzies of gift certificates.

Charlie Trotter's has an absolutely scrummy fish and chips indeed.

Glad you enjoyed them.

Well, I've got to run, you little minx.

I'll see you later tonight for a little more crazy Muskrat love?

Okay, yeah.


Uh, well, I guess that means you'll have to entertain me today.

Are you free?

Um, yeah.

All right, cool.

I'm... I'm just gonna change, and I'll be right out.


Thank you for inviting me to the movie, Joe.

I had a lovely time.

It's my pleasure.

I love a good talkie.

Oh, me too.

Rita Hayworth was wonderful in this.


Yes, she was.

You know... uh, Edna... I, uh...

I... I... I like... spending time with you.

I mean, I like... well... you.

Oh, Joe, I like you too, very much.

Oh. Uh-huh.

No, wait a minute, wait a minute, there's more, there's more.

Not... not only does she have a boyfriend, but he's, like, 50 years old, with gray hair, lousy teeth, nasty BO, and a bald spot.

Are you serious? I'm serious.

Ha-ha-ha-ha, very funny.

All right, enough.

So what's my strategy?

Ah, buddy-buddy all the way.


What the hell is buddy-buddy?

If Julie knows that David wants her, she's gonna avoid him because she doesn't wanna feel like she's cheating on her boyfriend.

But as her buddy, I'm not a threat, so we get to spend quality time together.

Before she knows it, she's more attracted to me than her boyfriend.

And that is the end of the story.


No, it's not!

David, you need to grow up.

Don't you realize that girls know when you're playing them?

Don't ask me how, but they do.

They know.

And you!

I am so fed up with your crap.

You're gonna have to decide if you wanna be a divorced bachelor with him or a husband to me.

All right?

What about making that Wednesday night laundry gig a regular thing?

What, so after a big Tuesday night of wild muskrat love with her antique British boyfriend, I can help wash the evidence out of the sheets?

No, thank you.

Hemorrhoids. Ahh.

Preventing hemorrhoids.

It lowers the "G" forces on your tushie.

Joe taught me that.

So, um, what home do you guys live in?

Oh, we're in the Lakewood Retirement Community.

Are you serious?

My grandma lives there.


Yeah, I'm... I'm always going to visit her.


I didn't know that.

Yeah, her name's Rose.

I know her.

Now I see where you get your good looks.

We'll all have to get together some time.

That would be wonderful.

Um, David, did you know that Joe is a wonderful kisser?

Um, no, Edna.

I did not know that.

Oh, yes.

Your grandmother taught him well.

I can't wait to find out what else she taught him.

So... how long have you two been dating?

Oh, no, we're not dating.


David, he's... he's like a brother to me.

A brother?

You mean, like a brother from Kentucky, right?

That way, you guys could fool around, right?


Why are you getting yourself all worked up over this one girl? Why?

I don't know, I don't know.

Because she's... she's cute and... and I kind of like her, and I'm blowing it!

Would you just please tell her how you feel?

Trust me on this one. No!

No, what I gotta do is turn things up a notch.

Rob, are you interested in playing a little poker tonight?


No, I can't.

Carrie and I are spending some husband-and-wife time together.

Playing Scrabble.

Please tell me "Scrabble" is code for having sex.

Actually, it's just Scrabble.

I got the girl to show another Rita Hayworth talkie tonight.

You interested?

Oh, let's just have dinner instead, Joe.

Is that okay?



Joe... Joe!

So nice to see you again.

Well, hello again.

I met your granddaughter the other day.

She and my grandson are close friends.

Like brother and sister, she said.

Well, if they're brother and sister, then that should make us their grandparents.

I suppose it would!

Imagine, all this time we've had the same grandkids, and we didn't know about it.

Imagine that.

Joe, we're going to be late.

Yes, we're late, too, Rose.

Late for what? Late for what?

I... I... I'll see you at the family reunion.

I'll bring the potato salad.


You've been dating three weeks?

How come you never told me?

Ah, we just started getting serious and I'm really into her.

Well, I'm sure she's into you, too.

I don't know.

You know, it's tough to tell.

Wait, you've never talked about it?



Amanda, come here.

David, she's beautiful, she could be a model.

I know, she is a model.

Hey. Hi.

Amanda, this is, uh, Julie.


It's so nice to meet you, Julie.

I've heard such nice things about you.

How are you?

Hmm, good, I'm good. Good.

I hope you're hungry.

Edna's tired of kissing me.

Aw, I'm sorry, Grandpa.

I told you you shouldn't have laid it all on the table like that.

You can't let them know your true feelings so soon.

Why does she say she doesn't wanna see you anymore?

She wants to see more of me.


Well, what's the problem then?

She wants to see all of me!

She wants me to perform with her.

On stage, I hope.

In bed.

Well, does she know that you can't... you know?

Are you kidding?

No way.

She assumes I'm a virile young man.

Are you sure she assumes that?

If she finds out the truth, it'll get around the home in hours.

I'll be the laughingstock and I'll never find anybody.

I just wanted some companionship.

I can't believe this is happening.

I can't believe my grandpa's getting more action than I am.


I broke up with Paul.

Oh, Jul, I'm so sorry.

How are you doing?

What happened?

Seeing you with Amanda really affected me.

It did?

Yeah, I just... you guys seemed so happy together and there was so much passion.

I got a little jealous.

You did?

I realized there's no passion with me and Paul, and I realized why.

Because he's 60?


Because I think I'm interested in someone else.



He's funny and smart and cute.

But he just started seeing someone else, so I don't know what to do.

Just tell him.


I don't know, it's complicated.

There's... What are you afraid of?

Just be honest with your feelings.

I'm sure he likes you.

David... you are the most amazing friend a woman could ever ask for.


You're so right.

I'm gonna tell him.

As soon as I walk into work tomorrow, I'm just gonna tell him. Whoa, work?

Yeah, he works in the media department.

Wait, wait, wait, wait.

So... oh, so he works with you?

Well, I told you it was complicated.

Do you think I shouldn't do it?

I don't know.

Why are you asking me? Why?

I saw you at the bar with Amanda and those other women, you ladies' man, you.

Those girls said you were quite the player.

I'm a player?

No, I don't mean it in a bad way.

That's why it's perfect we're friends.

'Cause now you can help me with this stuff.


She called me a player.

Ooh, some nerve.

I actually thought she was gonna break up with that old fart to go out with me.

She's got issues, man.

This calls for action.

About time.

If she wants a player, she's gonna get one.

I'm gonna play her like a two-bit fiddle.

A what?

By next week, she'll be mine.

She won't even know what hit her.

Spoken like a true player.

A player.


I'll show her a player.

Oh, Joe, you came!


For a beautiful lady.

Oh, thank you.


Just wonderful.

Who knew that there was a winery an hour outside of the city?

I thought you had to go to Napa to get good wine.

You do, but if you want extraordinarily average wine, you come here.

Thanks for inviting me.

I'm sorry Amanda couldn't come.

I certainly brought back enough wine for her, didn't I?

Oh, and don't think I didn't see all those candles in the trunk.

Planning a big night, are we?

Actually, we're having some issues.

What's wrong?

Oh, damn it!

What? We're out of gas.

Oh, no.

And... that's that.

Oh, God, now what are we gonna do?

Um, Edna?

I have something I have to tell you.

Let me freshen your glass first.

Edna, I don't know how to say this, but...

I'm not as young as I used to be.

Really, Joe?

You look pretty spry to me.

No... no.

I mean, I'm an older man now than I used to be, and sometimes things don't work like they used to.

Well, Joe, I don't...

I don't understand what you're trying to say.

Edna, I have to know something.

Are you trying to seduce me?

Why, yes, Joe.

I am.

Well, that's just grand.

But I have to tell you, it might be hard for me to satisfy you if you've raised your expectations.

Well, Joe... why don't you let me worry about what's going to be hard and what's going to be raised, hmm?

I guess if we're gonna get stranded for three hours waiting for roadside assistance, this is the place to do it.

Thank you.

One down, four to go.

Whoops... ahh!

I'm sorry.

Are you okay?

Are you okay?

I'll be out in just a moment, Joe.

Oh, Joe?

What do you think?


How do you feel?


Oh, I feel fine.

I admit, I'm a little nervous, but I...

Um, Joe?


Did I drop something?

It's alive!

It's alive!

Oh, it's a miracle!


Praise the Lord!


Quick, before it's gone!

How's your toe?

Oh, I think I'll live.

This frigid temperature is keeping the swelling down.

Hey, maybe if the dashboard catches on fire, it'll heat things up in here.

Are you cold?

I can barely feel my fingers.

Come here.

Ooh, that feels good.

You call for a jump?

Oh, sorry, bro.

It looks like somebody already got jumped,huh?

Yeah, uh... no.

We... we ran out of gas.

Are you sure?

It says right here that you need a jump.

Nope, gas.

I didn't bring my gas can, so I'll have to tow you.

Gonna take about a second to hook you up, all right?


Oh, my.

I don't have any protection.


Protection from what?

You know, birth control.

I don't think that'll be an issue.

Oh, you're on the pill?

Good thinking.

It's like that little battery bunny, it's still going.

Oh, David, stop!

That tickles.

Stop, that tickles.

Oh, oh, oh.

Ooh, oh, oh, ooh, ooh.

Edna, Edna, where... where... where...

Edna, where are you...


Edna, look out, look out.

You're getting close!

Oh, God.

Oh, God.

Oh, God!

Oh, God!

Oh, God! Oh, God!

Oh, God! Oh, God!


Bring her right this way, hold the elevator.

Oh, Edna, I'm sorry.

So sorry.

I'm an awful man.

Oh, no, you're a wonderful man.

Otherwise, I wouldn't be lying here like this.

Joe, what happened to Edna?


Grandpa, I got your message, are you all right?

What's going on?

It's not me, it's Edna.

She's fine, just a little shortness of breath.

Nothing serious.

What happened?

What happened?

I'll tell you what happened.

That angel of a woman slipped me a Mickey.

Have you ever heard of a black-market drug called Viagra?

Oh, please, tell me you...

They're these magic pills, see? - No, please, just stop.

I couldn't have stopped if I tried.

I kept going and going and going and going.

Actually, I think I might still be going.

Whoo-ee, those pills are sick!

They're what?

David, you may not know it, but your grandfather is a sex machine.

A real "chick maggot".

Mag... magnet.

Grandpa, chick magnet.

Oh, I guess that would make more sense, wouldn't it?

David, have you ever heard of a woman giving a man something called a...

She put her mouth on... - Oh, yeah, no, no, I know what it is.

Your grandmother sure as hell never did that to me.

My goodness, I felt like a damn Popsicle.

She even took her dentures out.

And after that, we did the wild thing.

The what?

It was just like riding a bike.

Well, not just like riding a bike.

David, I don't know if I ever told you this, but your grandmother is the only woman I ever had sexual relations with.

And after last night, I realized, bless her soul, she didn't have a clue in the bedroom.

But that Edna, she's a real professional.


All right, Grandpa, enough, all right?

What's with Edna?

Oh, she's fine.

Her... her daughter's with her in her room there, talking with the retirement-home director.

That's her daughter?

Is he gonna explain to her what caused all this?

Oh, I don't think he'd do that.

He what?!

What kind of dirty old men do you let into that place?

Or maybe he would.

I assure you that we only have the highest of standards...

As soon as she's ready, I want my mother out of that brothel you're running and on a plane to my home where I can take care of her myself.

Sweetie... Do you understand?

Let's not overreact here.

Mother, enough! Discussion over!

And in the meantime, you make sure that lecherous, disgusting old man stays the hell away from my mother!

Just let me explain.

This kind of thing doesn't happen at our facility.

Don't go, please.

I'm sorry, Joe.

She's my daughter.

If she wants me to move, I have to go.

But I love you, Edna.

Whoa there, Joe.

Let's not move too quickly here.

But last night...

I'll always, always remember last night and I will cherish it forever.

But, y'know, people our age, we... we have to live every second to the fullest.

It doesn't make any sense for either one of us to be tied down to just one person.

Trust me.

You don't know it yet, but you're like a wild stallion and you must run free.

Oh, I'm so sorry, Grandpa.

I feel like I just met her and it's over already.

She was such a sweet woman.

Just being with her, I wasn't so lonely.

And even when I wasn't with her, knowing I was gonna see her again soon, knowing somebody was thinking about me, somebody cared for me, made it easier to get through the day.

I can't do this again, David.

I can't take the pain.

It hurts too much, and it doesn't get any easier.

I know it's hard right now.

But don't worry, Grandpa.

There's another companion out there for you.


Your grandmother was my first love, Edna was my last.

Not a bad run for 84 years.

But now... I'm done with love.

I'm done, it's over, I'm ending it.

All right, will you stop talking like that?

I'm not gonna let you kill yourself.

Who's killing themselves?

You think I wanna spend my remaining days sitting on some park bench, talking about my arthritis with some old biddy?

What do you mean?

What about looking for companionship?

I just got a new start on life with those pills.

They're like bottled erections.

Once this word gets around the home, the babes are gonna be begging for me.

David... I'm the man now.

I'm a player.

I'm dope!

No, you are a dope.

You're the one who convinced me that I was missing out on something, and now that I finally find a girl that I kind of really like, and you flip over to the other side?

Circle of life.

I started out as a baby sucking on a breast, and by golly, that's the way I wanna end up.

I just don't understand.


Grandpa's horny, and he wants to have some fun.

That's... that's... that's horse feathers!

No, that's tight.

That's damn tight.

So tell me... how did things go with your young lady?


I hit on all sixes.

That's my boy.

Just like your grandfather.

And I know exactly how we're gonna celebrate.

Barkeep, a barrel of Viagra for me and a case of condoms for my friend here.



Um, come on in.

I'm running late for work.

So I didn't get a chance to say good-bye to you the other night.

Yeah, I walked home.

I didn't think you'd be offering me a ride.


Of course I would have, why would you say that?

Because your car ran out of gas.

Yes, it did.

Good point.

I really enjoyed myself the other night.

Yeah, me too.

You wanna do it again sometime?


What are you doing tonight?

Oh, uh, David, I didn't think that you meant right away.

I just meant, you know, someday.

I just don't think that it would be good for our friendship if we made that a regular thing.

Do you?

No, no, no, no, of course.

No, I didn't wanna make it a regular thing.

I just thought you might wanna go out to dinner tonight.


Yeah, no, of course, no.

The friendship comes first.

Oh, I'm so glad to hear you say that.

I would go out tonight, but guess who left me a message?


The sexy guy from work.

Yeah, he wants to go out tonight.

But I should wait to call him back, right?

Just play it cool?

Yeah, oh, totally, yeah.

Yeah, of course.

Whoa, look at that, I should go.

Well, do you wanna have lunch instead?

Yeah, great.

I'll see you later.

So I'll just come by your work?


She's the one.

I'm sorry, David.

That sucks.

But like I said, you either know when you meet her or you know when you lose her.

So, obviously word of your prowess is out on the street.

Oh, yeah, my phone won't stop ringing.

I've met three chicks already.

Well, Grandpa, that's the bee's knees.

Yeah, but none of them really lit my fire, you know?

Grandpa, you're a retirement-home gigolo.

I'm no longer a one-woman guy.

I'm a wild stallion, and run free I must.

You said companionship is the only thing that...

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Well, so what are you gonna do about your situation?

I have no idea.

No idea.

I'm lost.

David, maybe this isn't the right girl for you.

I mean, maybe... maybe she's not...

She is, Grandpa.

She is.

She's my companion.

She's special.

She's different.

Maybe that's the problem.

If she's so different, maybe you should use a different strategy than you've used before.

David, if you wanna win the game of love, maybe you should stop playing games with women.


I have to go to work.

Do you have to leave already?

You... you never get to spend time here anymore.

Stay, please.

I'm sorry, Grandpa, I really can't.


I'll see you soon.

Is that a smoking jacket you're wearing?

Oh, yes, indeedy.

A few of the girls pitched in and bought it for me.

You like?

I don't know.

You know, as much as I hate to admit it, ever since Carrie... how should I put it?... put my balls in a sling, life has been nice, you know?

I mean, don't get me wrong.

I... I... of course, I miss living the wild bachelor life vicariously through you, but, uh... and of course, you know, I miss...

I miss my balls, you know?

But it's been, you know, it's been kind of fun.

In fact, you'll like this.

The other night, Carrie took me out to the club dancing.

Um, after we played... after we played Scrabble.

I'll take it, but without the navigation system.

I said, I'll buy the car.


Just step into my office.

I'll be one...


Hey, you ready for lunch?

Yeah, um, I just have a customer in the office, and then I'm all set.

All right, cool.

Well, I will just browse around and pretend like I can actually afford some of these cars.

All right, uh...

Um, you know what?

Before we go, I... I need to...

I gotta talk to you.

If it's about the other night...

No, no, no, no, no, it's, um... it's... it's more than that.

I haven't been completely honest with you about my feelings.

David, excuse me. Yeah.

There is a customer waiting for you in your office.

I'll be there in a moment.

They are ready to sign contracts.

I said, in a moment!




I'm interested in you... more than a friend.


I've been interested in you since I met you at the football game, and since we've become friends, what I initially thought was gonna be a passing thing has turned into much more, and I wanna be with you.


I think I love you.

I love you, too.


...not in the same way.


We're good together.

Look, I... wouldn't be honest if I said that I haven't thought about you romantically, because I have.

But I just don't think it would work.

Why not?

David, I insist that you...

Let's talk outside.


You leave that customer waiting one more second, you're through.

Get your hand off me!

Why won't it work out?

I just don't think you're my type, David.


Why not?

I'm looking for someone who's sincere and up-front and open with their feelings, and that's not you.

I'm being pretty damn open with my feelings right now, aren't I?

It's bigger than that.

I mean, how long have you felt this way?

You've never even said a word, never even hinted at it.

For the first time in my life, I have spilled my guts out.

I have never done that for anyone.

Doesn't that mean anything to you?

Frankly, David, what I think it means is you've tried everything.

Now you're desperate.

Look, can't we just get past this?

Our friendship is...

I'm not interested in a friendship!


I never was!

That's good to know.


So that's it, then?


That's just great.

It was nice knowing you, David.


I want you to gather your stuff and get out and not come back.

Keep it... Dad.


Game over.

Can you stay for dinner tonight?

They're serving Chicken Kiev.

I don't know.

I got an erection the other night.

All natural, no Viagra.

I keep seeing your friend's grandmother everywhere.

That Rose is tight.

But she won't pay any attention to me.

I'm seeing two other ladies, but I can't seem to get Rose out of my mind.

Any ideas, Casanova?

Did you try that buddy-buddy thing I told you about?

Eh, like most of your plans, I figure it's a piece of crap.

Well, try it.

Well, what's eating you, David?

Is it your lady friend?

Are you doing as well as I am?


I'm doing worse.


It's your dad.

You've missed three damn weeks already, and now you're late again.

What are you talking about?

You're late for your job.

Are you coming in today or not?

Because if you're not, I'll fire you again.

Yeah, I'll be there in an hour.

Make it 45 minutes!

I told you, as much as I'd love to, I... I can't.

I'm already dating a man.

I'm dating around, too.

I just wanna be friends.

Friends have dinner together, too, don't they?

I suppose they do.

Maybe you already have too many friends, but even so, in a place like this, who knows who's gonna croak next?

Bad run of luck, and you could be friendless is a week.


Roadside assistance is kind of expensive.

You... you think we really need it?

Not at all.

I'll take it off.

Of course, that's always when something happens, isn't it?

And probably when your wife is driving.

Uh, keep it.

I guess it's worth it.


I'll just go get this approved.

Still got it.

A good profit margin on this one?

I'd say so.

Take note, Rob.

Two hours back on the lot, the man's already sold a car.

I told you, David.

You were born for this.

Couldn't agree with you more, Dick.

Unfortunately, we had to make a few changes to get the contract approved, but I got you a new one with what I think you'll find are much more favorable terms.

But you can't do this.

It's already done.

Signed by the manager right there.

Now when you sign it, it becomes legally binding.

You can't back out and, of course, neither can we.

But you're selling us a car for a dollar?

Uh, that's true, but I'm also throwing in the roadside assistance and the warranty and the CD player.

And our crappy navigation system.

Now, I couldn't get you financing, so you'll have to pay cash up-front.

Is that acceptable?

Yeah... Great.

Sign right there.


Congratulations on the new car.


Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to run.

Wait, I don't understand.

How can you sell me a car for a dollar?



Makes sense.

Bring this back when it's right.





David, uh... would you mind if I skipped our dinner tomorrow night?

We've had dinner together every night for the past two weeks.

I think I can fend for myself one night.

Got big plans?

That buddy-buddy thing worked.

Rose agreed to have dinner with me.

I can't believe how lucky I am.

I'm happy for you.

Still thinking about Julie?

She thought I was a player.

You were.


Well, thanks for the help.

That's very helpful... help.

David... you gotta ask yourself, are you a player or were you just playing?

'Cause if she wasn't interested in the man you were, she might be interested in the man you are.

Excuse me.

Excuse me.

I think your wash is done.

Thanks, David.


How are you?

I'm good.

Uh, I'm... I'm... I'm not good.

I miss you... a lot.

I miss you, too.


I've been doing a lot of thinking, and I've made a lot of changes.

I know.

I've seen you at the home.

And I think what you're doing is wonderful and sincere, and I really admire you.

You do?


Well, all that stuff that you said about me before... you were right.

But that was when I was looking for something else.

I was... I was looking for something that wasn't important.

And now I'm looking for... a companion, and I know that the way to go about that is to stop playing games and to stop being scared of... whatever and to be up-front with my feelings.

And my feelings are that I care about you... deeply.

And I need you in my life.

And I wanna be the type of person that you would be proud to be with, not the type of person that I was, but the type of person that I truly know I am.

When I met you, I was lost and when I found you...

I found me, and I want you to get to know that person.

I would really like to get to know that person, too.

How about we start with a get-to-know-you dinner?


Oh, you know, I have these gift certificates for this restaurant, but they expire on Sunday.


We leave you two alone for one minute.

All right, come on, Grandpa, let's go fishing.

I think you need to cool down a little bit.

It lessens the "G" forces on your derriere.

So I've heard.

David's a very nice young man.


His grandpa's pretty cute, too, huh, Grandma?

Oh, yeah.

He's good in the old sack, too.


Life is good, David.

We've caught ourselves two beautiful babes and have them eating out of the palms of our hands.

And not only do I have Rose, but she wants to keep dating other people.

Are you sure that's what you want?

Yep, it's the perfect arrangement.

Are you sure that's what she wants?

Oh, yeah.

Well, I guess that does sound like the perfect arrangement.


You know, Grandpa, you're quite the bee's knees.

I prefer "chick magnet".

You know, the only problem is he's still dating other women.

He doesn't seem to want a real relationship.

And you do?

Oh, yes.

Listen, Grandma, if you wanna win the game of love, you have to play the game.

Take David and me, for example.

Remember the first time I spotted him?

Oh, I remember.

Step one: reconnaissance.

When a guy visits his grandfather at a retirement home, it's a pretty good sign he's a nice guy.

Step two: the approach.

He's a bit of a player, but deep down, he's a good guy.

If you could just get him to grow up.

You have to meet him or, more accurately, have him meet you.

You know, I can get him to play football this weekend if you want to run into him.


Planned spontaneity...

That's the name of the game.

Step three: the buildup.

Get him interested by showing him you're smarter than he is.

James II was king in 1630.

I have no idea who the king of England was in 1630, but I didn't think he was about to look it up.

Step four: the follow-through.

He'll be chasing you, but you don't have to make it easy on him.

There was some sort of poetic justice in him doing his girlfriend's laundry months before I was actually his girlfriend.

It's my girlfriend's.

Sure it is.

And because information is everything...

Can we pay with these?'s always nice to have someone on the inside.

And the most important step, step five: the Groucho effect.

Your package is here.

Thank you.

It says that men won't join any club that would have them as a member.

Whoa, wait, he's here!

I need you.

Oh, I'm so sorry, sweetie.

I'm running late, I can't do it.

But my Uncle Paul's here.

He used to be an actor.

Uncle Paul!

Unlike women, men just don't know when they've got something good.


But when you make him work to get in the club, he thinks he's lucky to get you.

Okay, come with me.

And because men sometimes fear commitment, there's a step six: the pull-back.

Give him a view of what life would be like without you, and that's when he'll realize what he really wants.

In David's case, there was nothing like a one-night stand to make him realize I wasn't just another one-night stand.

She's the one.

It's a bit of a gamble, but if you have patience and you play the game right, it pays off.

And with David... it paid off.

Well, it sure paid off for you, but... I don't know.

Hey, Rose!

How about we eat dinner early tonight?

I'm hungry.

Oh, sorry, sweetie, but I told Mervin I would eat dinner with him tonight.

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