Pocketful of Miracles (1961) Script

God bless everybody.

Apples! Help an old lady. Buy an apple.

Bless you, mister.

A nickel! Thank you, Mr. rockefeller!

You lousy cheapskate!

Apples!

Tallulah!

Tallulah, good luck tonight!

Apples. Apple, madam?

Buy an apple? An apple, madam? Apples!

Where'd you pick him up?

He's the new feller.

Workin' the subway? He didn't pay you yet?

I gave you $5 last month.

$5 every month, if you work Broadway, Buster.

Hey, that's $7. $2 of that's mine.

Yeah, soho, a nice long letter.

Did it come today? Yeah, pass it around.

Now get going over to the casino. There's a matinee.

A new joke?

Hi, smiley!

Hi, Annie. Been lookin' for you. Dave the dude wants to see you.

Where? At Rudy Martin's.

Happy days.

Annie, I ain't paid for this month. I'm a little short.

Sure you are. Comes christmastime...

What you beg, you put in the Santa claus pots.

I know, I'm a sucker. You are.

Any mail? Yeah, over at the casino.

Don't forget the dude.

Thanks, Annie. Shut up.


Dude sent word he wants me.

On top of everything, this one's gotta show up.

You got 14 fifths of scotch...

Sit it down here. You got five of the bourbon...

You know, joy boy, this mornin' was the first time...

I've ever been to a funeral.

Do you believe there's a life after? You got five of the gin...

What are you sittin' there like a dummy? Why don't you write it down?

If I could write, I'd be in the Navy.

Where's the dude?

What is it with you? You can't wait 12 seconds?

You got an appointment at the beauty parlor with that mop?

Here, give me that.

I'll write, you count.

If I could count, I'd be in the army.

Why don't you laugh? That's funny.

If I could laugh, I wouldn't have heartburn.

All right. Here you go.

Wanna know why Rudy Martin was found in the river? There it is.

$50,000 worth of I-owe-thems to the gambling boys. Hello, Annie.

There's a note here.

It says, "thanks for everything. Take care of my baby queenie."

What's "baby queenie"? Can you tell me? Maybe he left you a horse.

There's a queenie running at hialeah.

That's right. Powder, thanks a lot!

That was a good job you did. For you, dude, anytime, boy.

That's the biggest apple you got? I need a triple shot of luck today.

This apple will make the birds sing for you again.

I tell you, kid, you get another sucker like my boss, you can retire altogether.

You know, this could only happen to a smart guy like you.

There's a man, owns the joint, gets knocked off owing you $20,000.

And on top of that, you get stuck for the funeral! Go figure that!

Fine thing you did, giving a poor soul a Christian burial.

Here's luck for you.

Somethin' good's gonna happen to you, somethin' real good.

You could break a leg, for example.

You'll give up panhandling, I'll give up bootlegging...

And we'll run this speak together, how about that?

It could be a gold mine.

No, I'm not kiddin'.

Come on, let's see your gams. Oh, boy.

How about that?

Hello, suckers.

You old chiseling moocher, here's $5 for your apple.

God bless you.

Annie, will you tell me...

Why do I always believe that your apples bring me luck? Will you tell me?

Because the little people like you.

What little people?

You can't see them. They live in dreams.

Little people like me?

Why?

Because they like children, beggars, and poets.

That makes me a poet?

You wanna believe in somethin'.

Right now, it's my apple.

So the little people jump in it, see?

That's why this apple'll bring you luck.

You old con dame. Go on. Here's the only thing you believe in.

There you go. God bless you.

God bless you and bring you luck straight away.

All right.

Wait a minute. You stay away from those gin bottles, you hear me?

I never touch it. Yeah, sure.

Are you Mr. Dave the dude? I am.

Don't get too close. You'll drip on my suit.

What is this, grand central? Will you close that door? There's liquor in here.

What do you want? Lookin' for a job in the chorus? The joint's closed.

Take a walk. Try someplace else. And lock it!

I read this in a Maryland paper this morning:

"Rudy Martin, gangland victim, was buried today.

"His friend Dave the dude arranged for his funeral."

Maryland? Old Rudy really got around. I beg your pardon?

If you've got money comin' to ya...

The dude is not pickin' up the tab on Rudy Martin's bills.

You be a nice girl. You take a walk. Bye.

Rudy Martin was my father.

You Rudy's kid?

You're queenie?

Yeah. That's what papa called me.

She ain't a horse!

Why weren't you at the funeral? I just read about it. I came as fast...

You ain't pullin' a fast one on me? Mr. dude, I'm here because of you.

Papa came to see me last month and he was very worried.

He said, "queenie, if anything should happen to me, here's the lease to my club.

"Give it to Dave the dude. He's a right guy and I've got to pay him back."

Here it is, and it's all signed and everything.

That's very nice, but the joint's in hock up to here.

The inventory won't pay for the flowers he sent.

The lease is worth about a quarter.

Miss Martin, papa owes me $20,000...

And a lot more to some guys who don't laugh so easy.

That much? That much.

I've got a few dollars in the bank.

What I make at the cafeteria, I could manage $5 a week.

What? A cafeteria? I'm cashier there.

The next one Mr. Porter opens, I'm going to be manager and then...

I could give you a little more.

$5.

Joy boy, it looks like the lucky apple is workin' already.

Very big.

It's the best I can do.

Goodbye, Mr. dude. Thank you for being papa's friend.

Yeah, I mean...

Well, that's the first broad I ever seen who wanted to do somethin' for you.

You know...

Maybe...

Miss? Hey, dude! No, come here!

At $5 a week, it's going to take you 200 years to pay your father's debt.

It can take a 1,000 years.

I'm going to pay my father's debts. Take it easy. I've got an idea.

For my boss, it was the lucky apple that brought queenie into his life.

Go figure. He's got a thing about Annie's apples.

The dude shoots the bankroll and promotes queenie into a nightclub star.

Much to my surprise, she ain't too bad.

You know what? The club begins to make money.

And queenie begins to pay off her papa's debts.

Go figure that one.

By the second year, the club is a sensation.

We're into big dough.

Step back, the elevator's coming up.

We're gettin' so big, the opposition begins playing games with us.

The dude kisses the old apple, but I know better.

I kiss the iron doors.

But it was too good to last.

Suddenly, the law pulled the rug out from under us bootleggers.

Another dollar? Stop squawkin'.

I only raised you $1. Tonight you can afford it. This is legal.

The whole town's on a binge.

Baby, baby, baby baby, baby, baby baby, baby, baby baby, baby, baby I love you I love you won't you love me, too?

All right, you wonderful bunch of ex-lawbreakers...

This is the last night, the last song, and the last bottle's on the house!

Does that mean we'll be playin'? What happened?

You are a genius. I know. Tell me what happened.

The big man is here. He's here? I told you so.

He's waitin' for you. I like that. Let him wait.

What man? I told you to go find Annie. Move it.

She'll be here. I spread word with the b.B.C.

The beggars broadcasting... I said move it.

What are you gonna do? Are you going to wait for some apple?

What's the matter with you? The big man don't wait easy.

He could get very nasty. He could put on them dark cheaters...

I am not leaving here until I get my apple.

Okay. I'll go look in a few gutters myself.

Herbie?

Did you get it? Don't I always?

Classiest stationery in the house. God bless you.

A blind man could read that: "Hotel marberry."

Give it to me.

When are you expecting another letter? The mail boat comes in tomorrow.

You know, I could get fired for stealing your letters.

You mustn't get fired.

Please don't get fired.

Who keeps writing you from Spain, anyway?

None of your business.

A heavy lover. Hey, Annie? Yeah, king Alfonso.

But keep it quiet. The queen gets very jealous.

Well...

It's been two years I've be waitin' for one like that.

Come here, you. Queenie.

Dude.

What? The doorknob's killing me.

What?

The doorknob?

You gorgeous stack of cupcakes, you come here.

Come on, you started this.

I was just trying to say thank you. You were?

That's the way to kill a man, not thank him. Come here.

What's this, a party?

It's the fourth of July. In December?

Freedom day for both of us.

You're through selling liquor. Now it's legal, the fun's gone.

I sold the club today. You did?

Did you bring them? Bring what?

Papa's ious.

I brought them.

There you are.

The last of papa's debts.

We put them in the easter fire and we burn the past.

Now you can make it Christmas. Happy new year. How?

By saying you really want me to marry you.

Honey, I'll marry you.

I'll fight dempsey. I'll kiss a cop, anything.

Let's get started now. Two years is a long wait.

Saturday, darling.

10:00 A.M. Saturday morning, we get married. It's all set.

You're kiddin'. You mean, really married? Us?

The real us. No more dude, no more queenie.

To David and Elizabeth.

Mr. and Mrs. Conway of silver Springs, Maryland and their flock of children.

Maryland?

You know, the house I was born in? I bought it for us a year ago.

You keep a secret real good, queenie. I want to be married there.

Married in mama's wedding dress by the preacher who married them.

Maybe I should go out and get my violin.

It's sappy I know, but let me be sappy. I'm sick of being queenie Martin.

And rev. Morgan's still down there.

He's 81 years old and he's still conducting Sunday services.

When I located him on the phone, he cried.

Imagine! I cried, too. It was the wettest long-distance call.

Did you cry? I've never seen you cry.

When I'm happy, when I'm really happy, I'm a niagara.

Okay, Elizabeth.

To us.

To the wedding in your mother's wedding dress...

By the 81 -year-old preacher.

Niagara's coming... Watch it! This stuff burns holes there.

Sorry. That's all right.

Annie's here. Let's go.

Annie? I'll be right out.

What do you need an apple for tonight? What more luck do we need?

You just gave me a wedding present, this place in Maryland.

I'll give you a wedding present, an all-year house on a silver platter.

The whole city of New York. I don't want New York.

I want a little town in Maryland where I can play the wife and mother bit.

It's okay for you to shake this, you didn't want this.

But I'm a man that needs action.

Action? Prohibition's over, isn't it?

Hey, the man is waitin'.

All right.

What man? Who are you seeing tonight?

I'm makin' a meet with our future, sweetheart.

Mr. big himself.

Not darcey. You're right. Darcey.

No. Why?

You're not going to Chicago? No.

The Mountain is comin' to the dude. I'm not going to Chicago.

Darcey in New York? Right.

The police said they'd never let him in. The police didn't let him in. I did.

Please, not darcey. He's an animal. He's a murderer.

He's public enemy number one! It's all headlines.

Will you move it? Let's go!

Your car's outside. We can be in Maryland by morning. The preacher'll make it legal.

If you love me, don't depend on some witch's apples.

Let's get away. We can be real people... Simmer down, sweetheart.

We go to the sticks, what am I gonna do? What kind of work? What do I know?

You're young, you can make a name, make money...

What's money?

I started at the bottom in this town, and I'm going right up to the top.

I can outsmart those monkeys. I've been doing it ever since I left the orphanage:

Newsboy, hustler, all the way up. Why? Because I'm good and because I'm lucky.

I'm gonna be somebody and you're gonna be somebody with me.

I'm comin'.

Dude? Yes?

If you shack up with darcey, forget the wedding.

Isn't she gorgeous?

Heads.

What's grabbin' her? Nothin' serious, she wants a lot of kids.

Kids? Boy, they're mean when they get on that kick.

Where you been? You playin' chase-me-Charlie?

Where were you Saturday? I couldn't be at the race. Here.

God bless you.

I wasn't feeling so hot Saturday.

Ginned up again? No, honest. I'm off the stuff.

It's about time. Doctor says your kidneys are shot.

Pooh, my kidneys are as good as new, better.

Do you think maybe we could postpone this discussion of Annie's kidneys?

Lots of luck.

Save everybody a lot of trouble if you just bought the whole basket.

Drop the whip, jockey. I gotta buy the apple just before I need it.

Don't ask me why! We were both bums until we found that out.

All right, let's go. Pickup point, the warehouse.

God bless Dave the dude.

God bless all my friends.

That's the boss.

Dude's here. Set? Set.


He's got his dark cheaters on, boss.

You're late.

Late for what?

"Late for what?"

For 48 hours, I've been knocking around...

In this Chuck-a-luck cage all the way from Chicago.

I'm seasick.

Don't any of you guys ever inhale?

Like bein' in solitary, only it moves.

Fine thing, some two-bit operator sends for me in his upholstered boxcar...

And first thing you know, I'm bein' hauled all over the country like a side of beef.

This your layout? Yeah, I built it.

See these walls?

Bulletproof.

Matter of fact, in town, it's neutral territory even when there's a war on.

I call it little Switzerland. What do the cops call it?

If they find me in this town, you can stop the presses.

There's 10 vans just like this haulin' real furniture around.

As long as you're here, you're safe.

Give them a new picture. That's one's old.

Why don't you relax? Take it easy. Be my guest.

Be your guest? Did it ever occur to you that I could also be your prisoner?

Ever think of that?

Yeah, I gave it a quick think.

Maybe you better give a long think to a guy by the name of stiff arm Sam.

He once thought he could hold me, too.

Stiff arm? Ain't that the guy that walks like this?

Yeah, it was the blowtorch in the armpits.

Yeah, the blowtorch. That's my idea, the blowtorch.

It must have hurt.

It's against the law to carry firearms in New York. Isn't that right?

That's right. Here in New York, you gotta have a permit.

Nothin', boss.

Yeah. I was beginning to figure.

They tell me you've been operatin' 10 years in this town without a pinch.

Luck, Mr. darcey, pure luck.

Luck. I heard about the luck bit. The thing with the lucky apples.

The wiseguys figure that's two strikes against you.

They say you gotta buy them lucky apples off some little old lady, right?

If something happens to the old lady...

Could be like samson gettin' his first haircut, yeah.

Look, I've got news for you. You see these apples?

I buy them by the crate at the nearest grocery store.

Wiseguys wanna believe that these apples bring me luck...

That's two strikes against them.

You know about psychology?

Yeah, I know about whatever you call it.

It's like your dark glasses. You put them on...

And the boys start to sweat from here to Omaha.

Me, I use apples.

All right, shall we quit clownin'?

I like the way this kid operates.

Smart boy, smart dresser, too.

You like that? Very nice. Yeah. Rich.

He likes it.

Do you mind if I try that on? No. Why not?

Give him a hand, junior.

Hold it.

Like they say, you're a smart operator.

I've got to give you credit. You won the first round.

This is round 2 comin' up now, though.

How does it look? Great. Class!

Nice color.

Round 2.

I got maybe eight, ten top candidates for this job.

All smart, tough, hardheaded guys, and I can take my pick of any one of them.

Suppose you tell me, in 10 words or less, like a telegram:

Why should Steve darcey give the New York territory to Dave the dude?

Go ahead, talk.

That's a good question.

Right, joy boy? Beautiful.

Got an answer? No.

Got a question? Yeah.

Ask it in 10 words, like a telegram.

Why should Dave the dude give New York territory to darcey?

That's 11, but...

You his mouthpiece?

Call me his doormat. Why don't you lay down and act like one?

Joy boy happens to be my friend, and all my friends are 9 feet tall...

And all my friends make very bad doormats.

You bootleggers, you were 9 feet tall.

All big fish in a little pond, but all of a sudden, all the little ponds are dryin' up.

That's where the king comes in.

I'm makin' a syndicate, a national syndicate.

I'm gonna push some of you poor, little, gasping sharks back in the water.

But it's gonna be my water. It'll cover the whole country.

Deep water? Deep?

How deep? Dames, dope. That's a little over my head.

Come on, that's bush league.

I'm gonna operate from presidential suites.

Gonna elect judges, gonna contribute to charities, finance operas.

We're gonna be into big, profitable business...

Catering to all human weaknesses.

What would be my cut? Your cut?

The New York territory, right down the middle.

If you're the right guy. He's the only guy.

There's one more little detail.

We request the franchise holder to put up $50,000.

In small bills.

As a token of their good faith.

Who's drivin'? Herman.

Herman? Yeah?

Take Mr. darcey anywhere he wants while he's in town. He's my guest.

And drop me off at the nearest good stop. Okay, boss.

Wait a minute.

You're not interested? No, not right now.

Because, you see, this is one fish that isn't jumping into anybody's pond...

Unless I'm paid $100,000 in cash...

As a token of your good faith.

You want the syndicate to pay you?

I'm the lucky one, remember?

Boys, let's go. We've got some ponds that need watering real bad.

If you get an itch for any of those human weaknesses yourself, just holler.

This is my town.

Wait a minute.

I said I like your style, but you know the rules as good as I do.

The king makes an offer, the king gets turned down...

The king loses face.

On a king, that coat looks good. Wear it.

That guy is gonna play on my side, or he ain't gonna play at all.

If it was me, I'd warm up the blowtorch.

Any mail? Tomorrow.

He uses a blowtorch on people. What does he do, weld them?

King. I don't like that guy.

It'd be fun to take him apart, huh?

Yeah, it'd be a load of laughs, all the way up to our funeral.


Scat.

Lying all over my poor baby's picture...

As if it were the only place to sleep.

"My darling...

"Louise."

I just love Annie's music.

"The reception...

"I gave...

"For lord...

"Ferncliff..."

Here's to lord ferncliff.

"You will notice I have increased...

"Your allowance this year.

"It breaks my heart that I have not been able...

"To see you all these years.

"But Dr. Michel still insists...

"An ocean voyage could be fatal."

The old crab.

"Your stepfather thought he might be able...

"To make the trip this year."

You didn't know you had a stepfather, did you?

Neither did I.

"The young man you wrote about...

"Sounds perfectly divine...

"And I hope he loves you...

"As much as you love him...

"And as much as...

"I love you...

"My darling."

Herbie, the boat's in. Did you...

Where's your uniform?

You gin-guzzling witch. On account of you, I got the sack.

You can't get fired.

Can't, eh? They caught me putting your lousy letter in my pocket.

I oughta break your... Where is it?

What am I gonna tell my old lady? Where is my letter?

How do I know? They took it away from me.

You can't go in there.

You must be in the wrong place. Peddlers aren't allowed.

Let go of me.

I beg your pardon.

My gracious stars.

I have some mail here. A letter from Barcelona, Spain.

A letter? It came for me this morning.

Are you stopping here, my good woman?

No, I'm not.

But I do have a letter here, please.

What is your name? Mrs. e. Worthington manville.

Mrs. e. Worthington manville?

Wait here. Mrs. e. Worthington manville.


Good afternoon, Mrs. manville. Is there anything I can do for you?

There's a letter here for me. I'd like to get it.

A letter addressed to the hotel marberry?

Yes, I told that feller all about it.

Are you sure you're not mistaken, my dear lady?

No, I'm not mistaken. I've been getting my letters here for years.

You're not a guest of the marberry, are you?

Of course not! Any fool could see that.

There's no necessity for shouting. Then why don't you give me my letter?

Why do you keep on asking a lot of stupid questions?

I'm sorry, madam. I'm compelled to ask you to leave these premises.

No! Not until I get my letter. Shall I call the police, Mr. Cole?

Send for the police. I'm no criminal. I haven't done anything.

Please, mister. I don't want to make any trouble!

I just want my letter, that's all.

It's from my daughter.

It came all the way from Spain.

She thinks I'm somebody.

Please?

Lloyd?

Yes, Mr. Cole?

Lloyd, do you recall a letter addressed to a Mrs. manville?

Mrs. e. Worthington manville?

Yes, it came this morning.

You see? I told you.

Let her have it. God bless you.

God bless you.

What are you waiting for? Get the letter. Yes, but I sent it back.

You sent it back?

Yes, I returned it marked: "Party not known here."

No, you can't send it back.

She'll find out that I don't live here, don't you see?

Please. Has the mail gone out yet?

Yes, the boys picked it up just a twinkle ago.

It's probably... Look. There he is now.

Boy!

You! Stop!

She can't do that in here. Stop her!

Don't put any more letters in that box.

Where do you think you are?

There it is. I'd know it anywhere.

Thank you, sir. Leave this hotel at once.

Here.

Bless you, sir.


An old lady passed out. Get water, somebody.

Come on, there. Upsy-Daisy.

Take my hand. That's what that legal gin'll do.

Where's my letter?

Grab her hat. Help her up.

Grab her hand.

Up you go. There you are.

I'm all right. Let me go.

Are you all right? Here you are.

With prohibition repealed, you'll see our streets full of nasty old drunks like that.

Listen, flyaway.

Are you the smartest agent in town, or are you just a lotta talk? What is it?

Your butter, I don't need. You want four bodyguards?

They get a $100 a week, I get $100.

With guns. Then I get $200.

Why you? They got the guns. What's guns? I got the permits.

But they gotta be from out of town, they gotta dress nice...

And they only shoot in self-defense.

You want four tom mixes.

What's the matter, you don't owe me a favor?

Do I owe you movie stars?

Didn't I help when you were in trouble, snuck you outta town in little switz?

Do you want my wife? Which one?

Who do you want protected?

He can't know nothin' about it.

The boss.

The dude? I wouldn't do that for $1 million!

What are you talkin' about? He's hot. The dude is hot.

I never was here. Get yourself the marines!

What? You creep, where you goin'? Come here!

It was all over town in two minutes. He insulted a king.

King? What king?

Who remembers faces?

I don't remember... it was open.

Where's the king of New York?

Where you been? The dude's been lookin' for you.

He read winchell.

Just returning a few items I won't be needing any longer.

Two kings in New York, and one needs a bodyguard?

He ain't my client!

Stay here! I pass!

Stay! I've gotta talk to you.

Flyaway, there's a $10,000 bonus!

Hello?

Junior, what do you want?

I am here with two representatives of our out-of-town friend, Mr. bigelow.

Bigelow. What bigelow? The Chicago bigelow.

He wants to see the boss right away to negotiate deal.

Holy cow, the deal's still on, and the dude ain't here.

Look, junior, you gotta stall them. Stall them. I gotta think in my head.

Tell him to hurry. Mr. b. Has a touch of mal de Mary.

Mal de what? You mean seasickness.

Look, you just get the car and come over. Wait a minute.

He's gonna need an apple.

Stop at schubert alley, pick up the bag and her apples...

And don't stop to play stickball on the way.

There you are.

Dude, the man's on the phone! The man wants to negotiate a deal!

Is this true, what I read in winchell's? I'm pleased you can read!

You two-timin' dame. Are you leavin' me?

You walkin' out on me for that cafeteria clown?

The wedding's Saturday. Wanna come?

You two-timin'... You ain't even been one time!

You ain't walkin' out on me after what I did for you.

I took you from nothing and made you into something. For what?

So I could become a gangster's flashy moll?

Not me, mister. You ain't walkin' out on me.

You ain't walkin' out on me, not on Dave the dude.

I'm not walking. I'm running.

You listen to me. Now, watch it.

You... Watch it, queenie.

What're they doin'?

Playing house. Are you still here?

The bodyguards, I...

What bodyguards? Can't you see I'm a busy man?

What's the matter with you? Take a walk! Out!

You're not goin' out that door.

You owe me one thing, and I'm gonna collect.

You ain't leavin' here without giving it to me.

You!

Look at this place. Like the inside of a goat's stomach.

Look, I don't want to butt in.

Excuse me for interrupting, but...

You have the worst sense of timing.

I hate to interrupt, but you have to drop everything...

Because I just got a message from junior.

From darcey? What'd he say?

Will you get me a pair of pants? Change your own diapers!

I said, "pants me." And get yourself fixed up.

Make yourself decent. What'd he say?

In front of her? She's marrying j.P. Cafeteria.

I don't care if she marries j. Edgar hoover. What'd he say?

I could hardly believe it myself, but darcey wants to meet with you again.

There she comes. Right away.

I tell you he'd come around, didn't I?

He hasn't come around yet. This is worth millions.

Let's not blow the whole cake for a little crumb.

Will ya stop worryin'?

Other guys pay him, so why should he pay you?

I'll tell you why, 'cause I'm Dave the dude.

I'm not one of the others.

Go get Annie. Yes, go get Annie.

That's all taken care of. Junior is bringin' her over right now.

Watch where you're goin'!

Yeah? What?

We're on our way. You're keepin' darcey waitin' again.

So let him wait. We can't. The man is king!

The king loses face, our heads go on display in the marketplace.

You've been readin' books again. Where the hell is Annie?

Big shots. Big dopes!

Your life depends on a beggar's wormy apples and this superstitious heel.

You still here?

Only you'll wind up in the federal pen...

Or swimming with your feet in cement, like papa.

That's why I'm marrying Howard Porter! Don't keep the groom waitin'.

Not another minute! Will you get back in there?

If I could only cry.

I can't find apple Annie anywhere. She ain't nowhere.

I hope she croaks!

What do you mean, you can't find her anywhere, you dummy?

All you gotta do is ask any panhandler on Broadway.

There ain't no panhandlers on Broadway.

What ya talkin' about? There ain't a beggar on the street.

It's scary. It's like Broadway was naked. I'm ashamed to look at it.

Hiya, Mr. dude, fellas.

The easter parade is a little early this year.

No panhandlers on Broadway?

I didn't see 'em before. I should drop dead.

Maybe you should.

That's only an expression.

Any of you crumbs seen apple Annie?

I saw her. I'll tell you.

Wait a minute! One at a time! You.

It's about Annie. What about Annie?

She's in a pickle. Pickled, I can believe that.

Mallethead found her wanderin' the waterfront...

And in the water she was looking.

She was stumblin' along, talkin' to herself.

She was sobbin'. It's a good thing I run into her.

What's the big deal? She's got a package on.

It's worse than being swacked.

She's been swipin' stationery from the marberry hotel.

For years. And writin' letters to her daughter.

Daughter? That old bag? She's a woman, ain't she?

What's this about a daughter? Annie's got this daughter over in Spain.

She was raised in a convent since she was a baby.

She's comin' over for a visit and bringin' a count.

She's gonna marry a count or somethin'. What is this? A rib?

Annie's been sendin' her money every month for years.

We been lettin' her shake us down 'cause we knew all about it.

We're her godfathers. We all got a piece of the kid.

We figure you're a godfather, too. You got the biggest piece.

Me?

'Cause of the big tips you give Annie for the apples.

God bless you. That's why her apples were lucky for you.

Can't we tune out on this soap opera? We got an appointment to keep.

You keep it. Stall him. How do I stall him?

I'll be along as soon as I get my apple. Move it!

Where's Annie? At her flop. I'll show you.

Come on. The old dame may be sick.

I've got a date with Howard Porter. Never mind Howard Porter. I need you.

Annie needs you, too, the way your old lady needed somebody.

Just a minute... Move it!

No panhandlers on Broadway.

Keep your mind off that blonde you run around with.

I don't think about her during the daytime, boss!

If it isn't my dear friend Dave the dude...

And his charming broad.

She's just bagged again. You had me worried.

Where's the bottle? All right.

So nice of you to come. The Butler'll take your things.

Lovely estate you have here, lady chatterley.

It's nothing really, just something I keep for the hunting season.

Everybody's coming down for the hunting season, don't you know?

The flea hunt, isn't it?

How about that?

You tryin' to knock yourself off or somethin'?

The doc told you about this stuff. This paint'll poison you.

Look. What?

The old lady's had her moments.

Who is it?

You really got yourself a kid?

Don't sit there slobberin'. Is this your kid?

No.

Those crumbs, takin' me for a sucker.

My baby!

All right. Stand up. My baby.

Dude knows all about it. He's a godfather, too.

I don't want to catch you casin' the waterfront again.

I was born in a place like this. I don't wanna come back to it. So I need you.

What's all this malarkey about a kid?

She's comin' over with a count.

She's going to marry his son.

Royalty.

They're coming over to meet me.

Me.

Wait'll they get a load of apple Annie.

That'll be a laugh.

Hey, dude?

Wait'll they meet her crummy old lady.

Eh, queenie?

And see this dump.

You can't do this. Come on, you old souse. You get up outta there.

Dude, easy. What do you mean?

Old souse, maybe, but full of dreams. She's full of gin. Where's the apples?

Will somebody tell me? Here're your lousy apples.

Old fool, gettin' herself in a jam like this.

Come on, let's go.

You're acting like darcey already. You can't leave her here like this.

What should I do? Tuck her in bed and sing her a lullaby?

What about her daughter? What should I do?

When she gets here, she'll be in a psycho ward.

She'll be all right in the morning. I'll send Dr. Michel down. Come on.

What am I going to do, queenie?

Poor creep.

Some dude must have gotten in your blood once, too.

Come on, I'm way past post time.

I've got troubles, but, boy...

You need a miracle.

What am I going to do?

What're you gonna do?

About what? About miss Annie.

What do you expect me to do? Come on.

We thought you could get her into the marberry.

Apple Annie in the marberry?

You're crazy. Just for a week.

Now listen, Mr. dude.

We already took up a collection, we did.

We all chipped in $65 to get her in.

You did? $65 is a tip at the marberry. You're all bats.

What about that playboy friend of yours? Rodney Kent.

He's got a penthouse at the marberry.

Keep outta this. You, too, junior. Move it.

Annie at the marberry. I said, "move it!"

His luck is gonna turn awful bad.

Apple, be lucky today.

All you little people in there, start workin'. Real hard.

When you get home, call doc Michel and have him see Annie.

She'll be all right. She's on a bender.

Ain't it a fact? You've seen her swacked before.

What the hell do I care? I've got what I want, the city of New York.

This great big town and all those heels that pushed me around, it's all mine.

All mine and stretched right out on a silver platter.

'Cause darcey's come around to my way.

What do I need that old apple-souse for, anyhow?

You know, they say luck is superstition.

It ain't superstition. Do you know what it is?

Luck is an art...

An art I got.

So I lose the old lady and her apples. So what?

Apple Annie at the marberry hotel.

What do you expect me to do, for cryin' out loud?

Will you say somethin'?

Will you say somethin'?

Okay, Mr. big shot. Now keep your date with darcey.

And no more gin.

These rich guys use checkers with horses on them.

Put that down.

I oughta have my head shrunk doin' a thing like this.

You at the marberry hotel.

Why not swipe stationery from the white house?

Could've said you were Eleanor Roosevelt.

Whom did you wish to see?

Is this Rodney Kent's igloo? This is Mr. Kent's penthouse, yes.

But unfortunately, Mr. Kent is in havana.

He is? Yes.

Where did you get the idea that I give a hang where he is?

I just assumed that... Come over here.

I'm gonna tell you somethin' that's gonna make you wet all over.

Really?

I don't care anything about Rodney Kent.

I'm lookin' for Dave the dude.

Who is that? He's here, ain't he?

Well, yes.

What are you standin' there for, growin' in the carpet? Take me to him.

Yes.

Wait here, will you, please?

There is no carpet.

Sir?

A gentleman, rather primitive.

You finally made the grade. I don't know what's goin' on.

Come here.

Where ya been? Where have I been?

I've had to do everything myself. I've been through a meat-grinder.

For 24 hours, I've been locked up in little switz...

Listenin' to that howling seasick gorilla. I'm alibiing...

What do ya mean, "alibiing"? What for?

For you. For not showing up.

So I didn't show up. How'd you leave the big man?

Head first and landed in the gutter. Good.

Says he won't talk to messenger boys. Says he barbecues them.

He used the blowtorch?

He says next time I'll be inside the shirt when he does it.

Bluff in'. That's his psychology. Pay no attention to it.

What's this?

Meet the new queen of society.

This is Annie, the duchess of apples.

What's your daughter doin' in Spain?

Who's her father?

That ain't a polite question to ask a dame like Annie.

Wait a minute.

You mean that Rodney Kent gave you his apartment for this owl?

He's a bigger sucker than I am. He even threw in the Butler. Look.

But not against my will, sir. I love cinderella stories.

Don't you, sir?

Take a walk.

What happened to queenie? I don't know!

Dave, I gotta talk to you.

You gotta forget this and meet with darcey.

That's the deal of a lifetime. That's our living. What's all this?

I don't know. I don't want you to tell me, either.

What are you? A boy scout? Are you a tambourine shaker?

There's a million do-gooders standing in line...

Waitin' to help the hardly-ables like apple Annie.

Stay in there and pitch, sister.

You're Dave the dude, not little boy blue.

What are you talkin' about? Come here.

Ain't she always been lucky for me? Ain't she?

Suppose I walk out on her and don't help. How long do you think my luck would last?

You wanna help? Help!

But you can't palm that crocodile off as society.

She couldn't fool a pedigreed cooker spaniel.

We'd have to clean her up some.

Some?

Look at her. A rag picker wouldn't stick his hook into her.

Here they are, the miracle workers.

Here's my maid, manicurist, hairdresser, chiropodist...

Masseuse, and the pièce de résistance...

Pierre of the Saxon Plaza, Pierre the divine.

Take a bow, toots. Madame.

Gang, here's your challenge.

Come on, stand up and meet your makers. It's okay.

This has got to be a complete overhaul, kids.

From top to bottom. Don't forget a new set of kidneys.

All right, let's go. Come on, wizards, let's whiz.

Let's go.

My old lady always said:

"You can't make a pig's ear out of an old sow!"

Monsieur, your old lady was not Pierre.

Wait a minute. He can't go in there.

That's all right. Believe me, fellows, it's all right.


Boss, you payin' for all this? Fun, hey?

Let's see if we can get it back from the bookies.

What's runnin' at hialeah?

Here's the morning lineup.

Thanks. Read them off.

People! Go figure them.

Scratch 5, 7, and 12. 5, 7, and 12 scratched.

It's important that these apples are kept here all the time.

What's your handle? Pardon?

Your name? It's hutchings, sir. With a "g."

This ought to take care of the help for a while.

Split it up amongst them.

They know to keep their mouths shut? And their ears.

You told them what'll happen if they don't.

Yes, sir.

Don't do that, please.

My feet. I never want to see shoes again.


Gentlemen, may I present...

Mrs. e. Worthington manville.


She's like a cockroach what turned into a butterfly.

Dude...

I'll never forget this.

Never.

God bless you.

You could've fooled anybody.

You're gonna need a little walkin' around money...

So here you go.

I guess everything's all set now.

Good luck.

Joy boy, junior, come on.

How do we contact little switz?

They call you every hour on the hour, or at least they did.

We make the next call.

Where do you think you're going? I did what you wanted, didn't I?

I postponed my wedding a week because you asked me to make a lady out of her.

Don't think you can run off and leave me holding the bag.

No offense.

The dude's gotta make some bread. Can't we get outta here?

If I stall my wedding, he can stall his shortcut to sing sing.

For Pete's sake, what else do you want?

I don't want anything. But what about the husband she's supposed to have?

Husband?

That's a man who marries a woman, remember?

Whose husband? Annie's!

The honorable e. Worthington shmerthington. Who's gonna dig him up?

Dude?

Louise...

My daughter, does expect a stepfather.

Well, go get her one. Can't you do anything yourself?

You're really on the ball. Who's she gonna get?

Shimkey the blind man, or smiley? You find her one.

You're the one who needs her, Mr. big, not me.

I got cafeterias, I don't need apples.

The dude's whole future depends upon this deal. Can't you get off his back?

His whole future depends on Annie, and don't you forget it, frog-face.

You're a troublemaker. You're a selfish little schtunk.

All right!

I'll find her a husband.

Man, this is beautiful.

Go tell darcey that the dude ain't available

'cause he's out diggin' up a husband...

For some old souse, on account of he's nuts about her apples.

Where am I gonna find a husband?

Where am I gonna find a husband? In Macy's basement?

They don't sell 'em there, boss.

Me?

You.

I think he'd be just precious.

That would be a great idea. There's only one problem:

I got a wife that's very fussy.

She don't like for me to go around marryin' people.

I know that might sound selfish to you...

But she's very funny that way!

I know his wife, he's right. She's a selfish buffalo.

Dude? What?

I got an idea.

What?

I know one real gentleman I'm sure we can trust.

We? Now we're all partners.

You know judge Blake?

Judge Henry g. Blake. That's our man.

Since when did you trust a judge?

For a proposition like this, we need a guy with class...

With dignity, a gentleman of the old school.

And a thief!

Judge Blake, the guy that told you you could shoot pool...

Was yankin' your ankle.

Sucker's ready to bite.

Up in Providence, where I'm out of, an amateur like you would lose his pants.

An excellent argument for never visiting Providence.

I hate to do this to you, but I got a reputation to keep up.

And that does it. Astonishing!

Willie hoppe couldn't do better. You pool-hall poltroons.

Once again, you have lured me into a game with a master...

Solely for your own amusement.

You're just gettin' warmed up. Another game?

I came here to slay a somber afternoon...

Not to be made sport of by pecksniffian oafs!

Go on. It's only a nickel a ball.

What do you say we double the bet one time?

10 cents a ball?

That's a veritable fortune. Afraid?

Afraid? I'll make it 50 cents a ball.

Okay, you got yourself a deal.

Attendant, rack them up!

Hey, judge.

If you'll excuse me, sir, while you break...

I'll have a word with an associate justice.

Greetings, my intellectual giant.

What brings you down to kew in lilac time?

Dave the dude wants to see you.

Your master's timing is most regrettable, my dear junior.

I have a plump pigeon in my sights.

Within the hour, Providence is going to provide next month's room rent.

Come on, your honor, it's your shot.

By your leave, sir, my pigeon is cooing.

A little shaky?

My boy, the impatient blade is about to descend...

On your red hick's neck!

That was the bedroom.

Over here, that's the billiard room. Down here's the guest room.

Pretty classy layout, huh? Lovely.

The beauty of the Taj Mahal, the serenity of Melrose abbey.

Sir, "if thou would'st view fair Melrose aright"

"go visit it by the pale moonlight

"for the gay beams of lightsome day

"gild, but to flout, the ruins gray" to Scott!

He'll do.

Do you think you could force yourself to shack up here for a week?

Is he for real? He comes with the Coop.

If this is a deal, you get yourself a new set of rags and $100.

What do you expect from me for all this opulence?

Confidentially, I'm a poor hand at violence.

You're in luck for this gag. All you gotta do is be a husband.

A husband? Right.

Impossible. I'm thrice a widower now...

Thanks to my fleetness of foot and the grace of distance.

You don't have to marry the dame, just be a husband for one week.

Queenie, come here a minute.

You've heard of queenie Martin, haven't you?

"My cup runneth over."

Queenie, meet the judge.

I told you I'd find you a good husband.

This is a great honor, a rare experience...

And a pulsating pleasure.

Your honor.

With a new suit of clothes, he'll just make it fine.

Thank you, madam, I'll do my best.

But at my age, the libido is most unpredictable.

Don't worry about that.

What did you say?

Your humble servant, madam, and your eager spouse.

That's the best offer I've had all day. No wonder he's droolin'.

Listen, you fricasseed Casanova, not her. You're gonna marry apple Annie.

Apple Annie?

Even as a jest, that's an insult.

Junior.

Apple Annie. Preposterous!

A creature of the pavements.

A frowsy hag with the breath of a dragon.

Sir, despite my larcenous impulses...

I am a gentleman.

Good afternoon.

Good afternoon, Annie.

Annie?

That's Annie.

Apple Annie?

The judge was just sayin' how pleased he is to be your ever-lovin' husband.

Thank you, judge.

I'm deeply grateful.

The pleasure, I assure you...

Dear, kind and charming lady...

Is entirely mine.

You're all set now.

You've got a husband, now you'll go to the boat.

God bless you, dude.

Okay.

Joy boy, let's go.

You don't want to kill a couple of hours and take some family pictures?

Sir?

What? Pardon me.

I will see that everything is done, sir, notwithstanding my cardiac.

What? You can trust me, sir.

I've had commando training, the boer war, you know.

I shall need a score of your henchmen, very rugged ones.

I shall form a hollow square to hold them.

What are you talkin' about? The ship's reporters.

They interview the arriving celebrities.

They will want to know from the count why he came to America.

Holy Toledo. I forgot about the reporters.

Why didn't you think of that? Me?

Yes, you. Come on, we've gotta round up the boys.

What time does the ship get in?

I hope it sinks.

Take a walk.


Has she seen the kid yet?

She's still looking.

How do I look? Beautiful. Like a doll.

I can hardly believe it.

In a few minutes, I'll have my baby in my arms.

Do you see her yet? No, not yet.

Dude, stay close to me. I'm so frightened.

At least the boat's on time.

What about reporters? Don't worry.

The dude has woven a chain of missing links around us.

Look, there's Dave the dude.

Yeah, with his whole mob.

Let's stick around.

I've been waiting 10 years to pin something on that dude.

There she is! Louise!

Louise! Darling.


She saw me.

She recognized me.

My baby.

My Louise.

I can't believe it, after all these years.

You're a grown woman.

And so beautiful.

Mother, you are, too. I'd have known you anywhere.

What are they doin' now?

Huggin' and kissin'.

Is she happy?

She's cryin'.

I want you to meet count Alfonso romero...

And his son, Carlos romero. My mother.

How do you do? Madam.

How do you do?

Darling, this is your stepfather, judge manville.

Mother's written me so much about you, pa.

I want you to meet count romero and his son, Carlos.

How do you do?

Welcome to the United States of America, my dear count.

We've looked forward to your visit with considerable relish.

This is a glorious moment for everybody.

How stupid of me.

Louise, this is your... Aunt Betty.

Aunt Betty. And Uncle David.

I never knew I had an aunt and Uncle.

Yes, David is your father's brother.

I'm so pleased.

Mother never wrote a word about you.

That's because he's always been the black sheep of the family.

May I present count romero and Carlos romero?

This is my aunt Betty and my Uncle David.

How do you do? Nice to meet you.

Please excuse me for a minute.

Sí.

I'm the ship news reporter.

You out looking for somebody? What is it?

Are you talking to me? No, to your aunt tillie.

They just made me the ship news reporter.

No kiddin'?

I've gotta check the passengers. There's no passengers on that boat.

What do you call those people? Spanish sailors.

All Spanish sailors dress like that.

What kind of a gag is this? This is no gag.

You've gotta go to pier 4. Didn't you hear?

The Jersey ferry hit an iceberg. Then it got shot at by submarines.

One of ours. It's a real catastrophe.

Terrible.

What are you doing over here?

Take this gentleman to pier 4 in the Bronx.

Pier 4 ain't in the Bronx. It is. It moved!

How many is that? That's five and we're running outta cars.

You will wait here while I get count romero.

Come with me.

Take a walk.

I want you to take very good pictures of the count...

Can I help you? I doubt it, sir.

I am the Spanish consul and I... I was just looking for you.

You were? Yes. Immigration.

We're holding the count on board because of a rare Spanish disease he has.

Rare disease? Afraid so.

But there is no such thing as Spanish disease.

Lieutenant! Yes, sergeant.

It's worse than they expected.

They'll have to take him away in a straitjacket.

That's ridiculous. I'm sure the consul can straighten things out.

Take the consul to the count's cabin.

Aye-aye. Your honor, this way. Don't get too close to the count.

This is fantastic. I'll take this to the secretary of state.

I never heard of such a thing. You should.

Looks like the dude's got a new swindle going.

The dude's too smart to pull anything in the open. Let's go.

Wait a minute. Let's have a little chat with him anyway.

Gangway.

Mr. dude, a couple of coppers comin' to put the arm on ya.

Holy cow.

Junior, start a brannigan.

Sock the weasel. Sure.

Sock the weasel? He's my brother! Don't argue. Sock the weasel.

Hey, weasel? Yes.

How's ma? Ma's okay. She's all right.

Good.

Ma told you not to hit me no more!

Fight!

Amscray. A couple of ullbays.

Folks, I think we'd best be on our way.

Hi, fellas!

Boy, have I seen New York in the past four days.

Boss, queenie said for you to eat these sandwiches.

How's tricks with the social mob? It's goin' so great, I'm scared.

First thing, breakfast on gold plates.

Then queenie herds us into the car and we go sightseein' all over.

Did you know New York was an island?

What do ya want? Ya got pastrami in there?

Ma thought I was nuts!

Joy boy, we passed by a zoo, and what do you think I saw? A cow!

Here's your yogurt.

Who do you think is buried in grant's tomb?

Will you leave me alone with the tomb?

You're sure the count ain't talked to nobody?

Count romero? He don't get a chance to talk to himself.

When the judge runs outta gas about cowboys and Indians...

Queenie sings them the latest songs.

Enough already, please don't. You ain't heard nothin' yet.

You should see the way Annie looks at her daughter.

Like she was a banana split.

Those two kids better get married, or else they're gonna up and bust.

See? I told you guys.

Helpin' that old doll...

It kinda gets me...

Right here.

You know what I mean?

You know, it gets me, too. Only higher.

I hate to tell you where it gets me.

And I'm gonna tell you.

You're playin' with your darts, and you're happy with the bananas...

But me, I'm scared.

Three days and nights we're waitin' by the phone.

Darcey ain't spent a 5 cent nickel for a call.

You know what that means? I can feel the bullets.

Darcey's gotta knock us off now, or we're done.

All right, I don't complain.

No. You say no bullets, all right.

You say no guns, all right. No bodyguards, all right.

You say don't lock the doors, all right.

Listen, it's crazy, but I've been with you for 10 years.

I'll go along for the ride. But not this.

I'm not gonna sit here, sweat, feel hot lead...

And at the same time, listen to that sugar-coated malarkey...

About the beggar woman and her daughter!

That's all, finished, done, goodbye!

That's darcey.

I wish I could worry like him, but I don't know how.

Talk.

For cryin' out loud...

It's Annie's Butler...

The bum from the boer war.

Now what?

I'm sorry to trouble you, Mr. dude...

But the count has asked me to telephone the Spanish consul.

What does he want to talk to him for?

I don't know why.

But I did hear him say that he was tired of sightseeing...

And wanted to meet some people.

Joy boy, how's your Spanish?

As good as my French, and they both stink.

Junior, did you learn anything from Spanish Lena?

Spanish Lena was a Hungarian.

Don't nobody know nothin'? Where's queenie?

Put the sucker on. I'll fade him myself.

It's open.

You're darcey's boys.

Mr. darcey don't never send boys.

Mr. darcey wants to see you.

We were waitin' for his call.

Why don't you make yourself at home?

And you were worried.

Hello?

Very sorry. Nobody home.

They all go far away!

They all go California!

Lots of sunshine in California. Yes. This Japanese houseboy.

So sorry, very sorry.

They're not home. Nobody home.

Very sorry. No, I'm very sorry. They're not home. Nobody home.

Just me. Yeah. Okay. Bye-bye.

That's very good, Mr. moto. Let's go do some business.

I'll be there in a minute.

Where is little switz? We'll take you personal.

First, I have a little personal business to attend to.

I want to stop off and buy my apple.

You ain't stoppin' nowhere. Mr. darcey's through playin'. Up!

You, fancy pants, over there.

You, Mr. apples, over here. Turn around!

Up! All right.

Your hand's bleedin'.

This way, gentlemen. Tie them and lock them in the bathroom.

When he gets his apple, we'll be back to pick you up.

Now, get in there. Move!

Wait. Lock them in the closet. They may just wax the bathroom floor!

Yes, sir? I am señor cortega, the Spanish consul.

The Spanish consul? Yes.

Is count romero to be found here?

I don't believe he's in just now.

If you care to leave your card... Señor cortega?

Señor conte.

The count romero will receive you.

It has been very difficult for me to locate you.

This is most confusing. I just had your office on the phone.

And your Japanese houseboy assured me you were out of town.

Japanese? Sí.

What would I be doing with a Japanese houseboy?

That's what we were wondering. Very strange.

May I?

Certainly.

It is my impression that there's something rather peculiar about this Mrs. manville.

Peculiar?

Yes. I phoned several society editors, and they know nothing about her.

I would be very cautious if I were you.

Cautious of what? I resent these shabby insinuations.

You did not even come to meet me at the pier.

But believe me, I was there.

But an official told me that you were having difficulty with your shots.

Shots? What shots?

A gentleman from the immigration service said...

That you could not land because you had contracted a peculiar disease.

Later, the ship's captain told me that you were a guest of Mrs. manville.

Señor, I had no trouble landing. I am in perfect health.

You are a most confused man.

When I try to reach you on the phone, I see confusion has spread to your staff.

When a Japanese listens to a Spanish and answers in a pidgin English. Caramba!

Señor!

Give the gentleman his hat.

Very well. But in taking my leave, let me add only this...

That in questioning a bellboy in this hotel...

He assured me that this penthouse is permanently leased...

By an American novelist named Rodney Kent.

Is this the way our diplomats conduct our affairs?

Questioning bellboys in hotels? Good day, sir.

This episode will raise some eyebrows in Madrid.

Rodney Kent. Ridiculous.

For years, Louise has been in correspondence with her mother...

At this very hotel.

If I may, sir?

Sí. Thank you.

Rodney Kent does live here. What?

In these books, sir.

See?

Pulitzer prize winner.

Judge manville writes under that name...

After the fashion of Mr. mark twain.

And o. Henry, father. O. Henry?

Sí, señor.

I trust this confidence will be respected.

Of course. Thank you.

Tea is served, sir, on the terrace.

What are we gonna do after tea?

What does count romero like to do most of all?

He rides a bicycle a great deal. Six-day bicycle races.

Great. I'll call for tickets.

Dear count, I'm gonna have such a surprise for you.

We decided what we'll do for the rest of the day.

The six-day bicycle races at Madison square garden.

We'll not be here for...

Hello, everybody. Just dropped by to say hello. Hello, Carlos.

And buy one of your delicious apples.

Here we are.

You see, count, it's sort of a family joke. You know how it is.

I always feel that these apples bring me luck.

What a charming idea.

I have same feeling about onions.

What is it, hutchings?

Your honor, a journalist to see you, sir. Second call.

That's who that guy is, a reporter.

What provoked the curiosity in this wretched scribe?

He requests a biography of Mrs. manville. Absurd!

Brother David, perhaps you can handle this inquisitor.

Don't worry about a thing, judge. Everything's taken care of.

What's the pitch, brisbane? From the society desk at the star.

I want to do a feature on Mrs. e. Worthington manville.

I checked the social register. She's not listed.

Not in the register? Or the phone book.

I even checked the yellow pages. You look under "m"?

Look, I'm tired. The Spanish consul called my editor and...

Say, aren't you Dave the dude? What's he talkin' about?

Sure. I've seen you around queenie Martin's club.

You know, buddy, you're wastin' your time with society news.

You could be a great big reporter and we could give you a great big story.

We'll give you a big story.

But we better go someplace we won't be disturbed, right?

We can't be disturbed.

Will you step this way?

Right this way.

No more sightseeing.

No more buildings.

Mrs. manville, I have come to know...

Your daughter that well, that I love her like father.

Thanks.

Thank you.

So, I wish to announce I will be greatly honored...

If your daughter will accept the proposal of my son in marriage.

Congratulations, Carlos!

This is a great, historic moment.

The union of our two families, the montagues and the capulets.

My dear count, this calls for a real celebration.

That is exactly what I was coming to.

It would give me the greatest pleasure...

To announce the engagement, officially, at a reception...

For a few of your intimate friends.

Reception?

With people?

Sí. Father.

Relax and enjoy yourself, newsboy. You're livin' at the marberry.

It was nice meetin' you.

Watch your diction.

The reporter is all taken care of.

Uncle David, congratulate us. Carlos and I are engaged.

Well, you're a lucky man, Carlos. Congratulations.

Brother David.

I told the good count we'd make the announcement at the reception.

Fine! I'll see you folks around.

Reception?

What reception?

The count wants to meet some of our friends.

A modest affair, nothing elaborate.

Just the intimate friends of the parents of the bride.

About 100 people did you say, judge?

100 friends?

You're the only one who can handle it.

I must tell aunt Betty at once. Aunt Betty will be the first to know.

Brother Henry, would you come along with me?

I think we have to make out the list.

Mrs. manville, I hope there's enough time for the preparations.

Why, you two-bit pool hustler. Sit down!

I told you not to get used to this kind of high living.

Mercy! It was the count's idea.

I ought to belt him. Now, godfather!

Do you know what this windbag's got us into?

A reception for 100 people!

Where do you think you're goin'? I'm fleeing from armageddon, sir.

With my cardiac condition, I just cannot take unhappy endings.

So I'm off to join Mr. Kent in havana, sir.

With two broken legs?

My legs, sir? They're quite...

Very cleverly put, sir. Yes.

Thank you, sir. Not at all.

You!

You'll break the poor lady's heart.

Tell me, please. Why didn't you stop this before it got started?

There you are.

So we gotta throw a party.

What's so difficult about herding up a bunch of freeloaders?

Society freeloaders.

The count expects 100 of the 400.

The only people Annie knows come from sewers.

Which reminds me, you got a pair of sewer rats in the closet.

Holy mackerel. Darcey's mugs. I forgot about them.

The weasel took over Annie's place, so I'm here.

Will somebody please tell me how I got into this pot?

I didn't wanna be dealt in in the first place.

You suckered me into this.

As long as I was mindin' my own business in my own racket, everything was fine.

Never in a jam. But then I had to help somebody.

Had to be the big man. And will you look at me now?

I got listenin' to this old dame's life.

I got a couple of hatchet men stashed away in that closet in there.

I got a reporter up in the penthouse.

You got three reporters in the penthouse. Three?

After you left, two more showed up, so we bagged them.

That's kidnapping. You know what the papers'll do to us?

Does it still kinda get you a little bit right here?

The Butler says there's enough food. That's it. That's enough.

You, junior, go get those darcey orangutans in here, now.

I like that Butler. Calls me sir. Bows to me.

Makes you feel like a broad.

You go take care of those reporters till I get back and square the beef.

And you go tell your friend Annie to take her business around the corner...

Because I am through, I am finished.

Oh, boy. And just when you were starting to act like a human.

You got 30 seconds till I pick you up and throw you out.

You know, some people toss charity balls for homeless cats.

They even build zoos so wild animals live good.

You get arrested if you whip a horse. Ten.

Good people help. What are we?

Did we ever build a bridge or plant a seed?

Twenty.

We're nothing.

We're all a bunch of grabbers, lookin' for the best of it.

Once, couldn't we help somebody just to help somebody?

That's it! You're through! We're gonna help somebody.

We are going to help me. That's who we're gonna help.

I'm gonna make any deal that darcey wants, any kind.

Unless we've blown the deal already. Hallelujah!

I'm gonna drink to you. That's my first in five years.

Do I infer you're stranding poor Annie on the rocky beach of despair?

I've had just about enough of your hot air. You, out!

And you, out! Both of you, out! That's it.

Out! School's out! Everybody out!

Uncle David, I hope we're not interrupting anything.

Louise.

Aunt Betty. Darling.

Uncle David was just telling me the good news.

My heartiest congratulations, Carlos.

Thank you. I hope we're not intruding. Not at all!

You're a breath of eternal spring, my boy.

We were just taking a walk...

And Carlos had the most wonderful, sweetest idea.

What is it?

No. This is not the time or the place. Of course it is.

He thinks the world of you, Uncle David.

Louise. What is it?

Well, sir, I, that is, Louise and I... Yes.

We would be most pleased if, when the time comes...

You will consent to be godfather to our first child.

He'd be delighted!

Uncle David's already an experienced godfather.

Uncle David, I love you so much.

Thank you, señor. I'm very honored.

My family's very honored.

If it's a boy, we'll name him after you.

We cannot take up any more of their time. Thank you.

I'm sure you have a lot to do, arranging the reception on such short notice.

Bye-bye. Goodbye.

About 100 people, you said?

Not just people, but citizens of style and grace.

And this above all: Daisies who won't tell.

Dude's gang!

There's a bunch of daisies that wouldn't dare squeal.

In the right clothes, they'd pass for kings.

They would?

Look at Annie. The count fell for her, and you and me, too.

And Carlos thinks the dude is a young Abe Lincoln.

The count even swallowed joy boy, and I can do better than that in a pet shop.

If you weren't a broad, I'd kick you right in the stomach.

And my old chorus girls!

They'd make the most glamorous society queens this town's ever seen!

Indeed, why not? The world goes round in make-believe!

Take Louie the lug:

A carnation in his buttonhole, he looks like grover whalen.

And the weasel, wouldn't he make a great secretary of war?

The weasel, secretary of war? No. He don't rate no more than an alderman.

Dude!

The weasel'd make as good a secretary of war as anyone you can name.

No. I think he'd rate an alderman.

That's craziness. You're getting hooked again.

You know what you almost had me do? You almost had me walkin' out...

On poor little old apple Annie. All right, call your broads.

Judge, call boyle's poolroom. I know you have that number. I'll call the...

Round everybody up!

They was knotted real tight! Good thing I was a boy scout!

Mr. darcey ain't gonna like this.

You tell Mr. darcey he's got a deal, but on my terms.

He delivers me $100,000 cash.

And no more of you popgun monkeys, or I ain't gonna like it. Hit the sidewalk!

Would you kindly connect me with Harry the horse?

Honey, forget the house party. I need you now.

Cheesecake, roust out the boys and take 'em to a turkish bath, will ya?

What do you think for? A bath, you jerk.

Joy boy, get a hold of what's his name, rosy, the suit man.

That's a good idea. I'll have him measure you all for straitjackets!

I gave my love a cherry without no stone I gave my love a chicken without no bone

I gave my love a ring that had no end I gave my love a baby with no cryin'

I threw Carlos a flower and blushed a smile my love threw me the autumn moon and laughed a mile I gave my love a heart of love wrapped up in pink and blue I'll give my love a baby who'll look like you

keep singing, please.

No, Carlos, it's your turn.

I'm busy.

Please, the wedding poem. You promised.

Keep still. I'm not finished. You'll have to at the wedding.

Your father told me that every romero for 1,000 years has had to do it.

All because some silly ancestor wrote it. I love it. Please?

You interrupt people at the oddest moments.

Please?

I hope nobody is listening.

"For her

"for whom I would walk through fire

"the great cathedral's heavenly choir

"sings God's angelic music

"be still, my racing heart

"she is floating toward me

"as a winged melody

"I burst with a Spanish pride

"a thousand eyes, all moist and dewy

"share the lovely vision

"behold!

"My bride!"

Mother. Mrs. manville.

I was lonely for you. It is my fault, please.

I have a lifetime with Louise, and you, only two days.

I will see you later, mother.

You do not mind my calling you mother?

I'd like that...

Son.

Thank you...

Mother.

You do love him, don't you?

So much it must show, mama.

Today, when we were walking along Broadway...

A little old flower peddler, a deaf-and-dumb lady, gave me this.

She insisted I take it and refused to accept a penny for it.

Mama, life is wonderful, isn't it?

Yes, baby.

You don't think anything can happen, do you?

Happen?

I'm foolish, I suppose.

Maybe it's because I'm wishing so hard.

Mama, have you ever wished for something so hard that...

Nothing's going to happen.

Nothing.

Capt. Moore to see you, inspector. Send him right in!

Anything on the missing reporters? Nothing, inspector. Not a thing.

The newspapers are crucifying us. You hear winchell last night?

Yeah? The commissioner's on the phone.

There he is again. Fourth time today.

Hello, commissioner.

No, but I've got capt. Moore in my office right now.

No, not a thing yet.

What do you mean?

I'm not gonna be made the goat for the whole department!

What is it? The mayor's on the phone.

Didn't you tell him I was out? He didn't believe it.

Hold on a minute.

Hello? Yeah, chief.

No, I was just talking to mccrary. Not a thing yet.

"Not a thing"? I've had a super-sufficiency of "not a thing."

I want some action quickly.

Every editor in town is in my office.

You're going to get a front-page editorial in my paper...

Every day till something's done.

It is a very embarrassing situation when a reporter is not safe on our streets.

If the city can't do anything, perhaps the state can.

When the governor gets here, we'll take it up with him.

I want you to find those three reporters, commissioner...

Or I will be forced to demand your resignation.

Hello. You get this straight!

You find those three reporters, or I'll have to get myself another boy.

I'm giving you 24 hours to find those missing reporters!

If you can't, you'll find yourself on the other end of a broom at the horse barn!

And that's no...

What is it?

I think we have an angle on the reporters.

Speak up, son.

A funny thing happened.

Last Saturday, I met one of the boats to check the passenger list.

A couple guys grabbed me and shoved me in a car.

Why didn't you report it sooner? They didn't hurt me.

Just drove me around the Bronx then gave me taxi money.

When I read about those... Any idea who grabbed him?

Not exactly.

But the men working the piers saw Dave the dude there meeting some people.

With his whole mob. Dave the dude.

It's not much, but we begin to look like a police department.

Captain, you'd better put a tail on the dude.

There could be a connection. Yes, sir.

These are great. A few more speeches and we'll have it covered.

As Jimmy durante says: "I've got a million of them."

"My dear count, isn't it a pleasure meeting up with you tonight..."

All right, hold it everybody. Quiet!

Listen, will you? One thing at time.

Queenie, take your broads over there. Guys, I want to talk to you.

Guys over here, broads over there! Let's move it. Come on.

Move it! Let's go, we ain't got all night. Come here, now.

I want to tell you somethin'. You got to remember somethin'.

You're not a bunch of bums, see? You're a bunch of gents.

You got to make them stop with the pistols.

They're making holes in the lining.

I told you to tell them to leave the rods home. How many times...

Weasel, I told you, "no rods!" Yeah, no rods.

If we don't behave ourselves and act like gents...

We'll bollox the whole schmeer up tomorrow night and then that's it.

You all got the speeches the judge wrote for you?

You know who you are? I don't have to tell you?

All right, who are you? Governor of the state of utta.

State of what? No, state of Utah. Utah, metah...

Will you read the speech the way the judge give it to you? Please?

Don't yak too much. Just smile all the time.

That'll get you by anybody, even kings.

Kings, yeah. But these mugs, you smile at them, you got a hand on the knee.

You've had so many hands on your knees, dearie, you wear gloves for stockings.

Dude! If any of your "he's" make passes at my "she's..."

No passes! Hear that? No passes.

No passes? What a party pooper. I don't want to hear no more from you.

Dude, this ain't a good speech the judge give me.

Are you handicappin' speeches now?

This count's an out-of-town guy, ain't he?

Yeah, so what?

All I tell him is he's lucky for meeting up with apple Annie.

Do you wanna tell him you'll fix him up with dames?

Just read the speech like he gave you. Practice!

Hey, cheesecake, tell them to be quiet, will you?

Quiet down, you guys! Quiet! Will you please be quiet?

What's the matter? Why ain't you practicin'?

I been practicin', only... Only what?

I'm as good as Louie the lug is any day. If he's ambassador, I oughta be a king.

You're secretary of the interior. That's bigger than an ambassador.

I ain't as dumb as you think. A secretary is a secretary.

All right, brain. I'll make ya the postmaster, all right?

That's more like it. I save stamps!

Judge, you got a new postmaster here.

Check!

Come here. What do you want?

Give the speech to him now. You're the count. Go ahead.

I thought I was the governor of Florida.

Will you just please pretend you're the count for a minute?

All right, go ahead, shoot.

Count, your honor...

It's a rare privy...

What're you talkin' about? "It's a rare privilege," jackass!

Does it say that?

I didn't think I was supposed to call him a jackass.

You're givin' me a headache, you know that? Get away from me.

Me, too. What a bunch of ignoramice! What?

Ignoramice. That's more than one ignoramouse.

You too, huh? Here.

I'm losin' my voice. Start practicing!

I'm charmed to meet you, count. You stink!

Jerk.

No, you don't. All we need now is a crying drunk.

Will you give me one good reason to stay sober?

You're the genius who thought this up. Straighten out this menagerie.

You guys, listen to miss Martin. Quiet down, everybody.

Quiet!

Let's do one thing at a time.

Forget the speeches for now, and we'll concentrate on the bowing.

Will you show 'em how to bow again? It's quite simple.

The movement is at the waist, with a graceful gesture of the hand.

Thus. What's so difficult about that?

Headwaiters do it. Foreigners do it, can't even speak English.

Listen. Have a he and a she and pair off and practice the bowin'.

All you broads over here! Let's go.

Come on, girls.

Pick out a guy and start bowing.

Don't forget the hand. The gesture with the hand.

Bow! Everybody bow!

If I'm sober, why do I see things like this?

Does the board of health know about this epidemic?

What's the matter? Him.

He tried to pick my pocket where there ain't no pocket.

All right. Hold it now! Come on, you guys!

You ain't takin' this thing serious. You gals, too. You ain't, either.

I'm gonna tell you somethin', this is serious.

It's murder.

You're probably saying, "what's in it for us?"

I'll tell you: Nothing.

I mean, nothin' that you can put in your pocket.

After all, did any of us ever plant a bridge...

Build a bridge or plant a seed?

I mean, for once, could we just do somethin' nice for somebody?

This is for old apple Annie.

If somethin' goes wrong tomorrow...

There's no tellin' what'll happen to poor Annie.

Maybe she'll put her head in the oven. That'd be the perfect solution.

Come on. We're gonna practice.

We're gonna get in there and make this...

Make believe it's for your own mother.

I ought to do somethin' for my mother. I can't visit her since she's in solitary.

Come on, start practicin', everybody.

I say it again and again:

"This will never work."

Happy days.

The music must be soft and mellow.

Nothing harsh, nothing raucous...

Just the gentle drip of rain upon an autumn leaf.

Yes, sir. I'll lay on the silk. Splendid. Keep it schmaltzy.

The new men? Yes, sir.

Trustworthy? Completely.

I'm just loving this. Aren't you?

In here, it's Christmas. Quite.

Jingle bells, jingle bells, jingle all the way yes.

As Pascal said:

"The heart hath reasons that reason itself knows nothing about."

A handkerchief. In your hand, ma'am.

Oh, yes. Of course.

Do I look all right?

The headwaiter at the ritz would give you the best table.

God bless you.

See for yourself, Mrs. e. Worthington manville.

You'd make cinderella look barefoot.

I don't know who that is in there.

I hope the whole thing isn't a dream.

Give me my basket.

Apples.

The beautiful dream's coming true. God love you.

Everybody's so wonderful and...

I'm so scared.

Come in.

Shades of Aphrodite, goddess of beauty.

That man just fills a room.

Never in all my questionable career...

Have I feasted my eyes upon such divine loveliness.

Cut it out. What time's the dude coming?

8:00, my fluttering dove, bringing the best-trained social lions you ever saw.

But can they fool the count?

Fret nyet, my pet. You'll behold a miracle.

Orchids bloom where weeds once grew.

What if they make mistakes? The dude'll kill them.

The poor dears.

Pull yourself together. Remember:

You're the proud mother of a lovely daughter announcing her engagement.

And don't think of mistakes.

If any mug pulls a boner, I'll flood the room with a torrent of oratory.

You're wonderful. I know.

Here's the plan for the receiving line.

You'll stand next to me...

Then Louise, then the count.

And where am I? Right here.

Dude and his mob are at queenie Martin's.

What're they doing there?

I don't know. It sure looks big. They got a line of cars a block long.

Stay on his tail. Don't let him get away.

Right. Let's close off the block.

Confidentially, there are times when I'm a bit ashamed of my fellow Americans.

The way they Fawn over celebrities, particularly you titled nobility.

I think that is charming.

They're like children. You'll notice tonight.

In your presence, they'll probably stammer...

And appear to be tongue-tied and awkward.

I beg of you to make allowances for them.

Of course. Different countries, different customs.

Which reminds me, judge.

There is a custom in my country which is not a custom in your country.

I have been hoping that you would speak about it.

Indeed, sir? What's on your mind? The dowry, my dear judge.

As yet, nothing has been said about the dowry.

The dowry?

I am aware, of course, that in America, it is not important.

But in my country, it is the first arrangement.

In your country, yes. In my country...

The dowry? I don't know what to say, count.

You kinda crept up on me on that one. I beg your pardon?

I mean, this is so totally unexpected.

Don't you think it's a bit vulgar to speak of money?

Let us be vulgar then, for a moment.

I am willing to make a settlement equal to 50,000 of your dollars.

You are?

Of my dollars? Sí.

I had been hoping that you would be willing to make a similar settlement.

Willing, yes, of course.

Old Napoleon.

Join me in a nippy with nappy? I'd be delighted, judge.

I see you keep your billiard table in excellent condition.

Do you play?

Do I play?

Señor, in Barcelona, I am the champion.

Isn't that just...

You don't say.

Sí!

Perhaps a little game before the guests arrive?

I can think of nothing that would give me greater pleasure.

About that dowry, count... Yes, judge?

It has occurred to me that as the young folks are going to Spain to live with you...

That I should take care of the whole amount.

No, I could not let you bear the entire burden.

It's no burden, my dear Alfonso. So, the matter's settled.

Please, my dear host, you are so gracious...

You make me feel ashamed.

I shall take care of the full amount.

This seems silly. We could debate for hours.

In America, we have methods to settle such differences.

We toss coins, or pull straws.

What's so amusing, Alfonso?

I could take advantage of you, judge. Indeed, sir?

You wouldn't suggest a billiards contest?

That's enough, folks! You're gonna start sweatin'.

Nobody sweats! It's gonna work, so help me.

Okay, baby. Get your coat.

Come here. We're in, kid.

It's darcey. He says you can write your own ticket. Yes or no.

On my terms, darcey?

I'll tell you what you do.

Bring little switz to pier 84 at midnight.

And bring the cash.

What do you think of my apple now? I love it.

Ready, dude?

Queenie and I are leaving. The rest of you follow in groups of four every few minutes.

Junior, take over here. Right.

Good night.

Good luck, dude.

The darcey deal's all set. On my terms.

I'm gonna need you now more than ever. So don't leave me.

Okay, Dave.

Anything you say.

That's him.

Cops all around the place.

Thank you, mister.

Like the boss said, walk out...

Boss, what's the matter?

You know there's cops out there? Millions of them.

Cops? What'll we do now?

I can't go to Annie's with them there. They'll follow us.

Get the judge on the phone. We gotta stall them. Come here.

What are they doin'? We just talked to darcey.

I don't know. I didn't do nothing.

Let me think. I don't like it.

What amazing luck. I've been very fortunate, haven't I?

24-24.

You realize, you make this shot, you win. Really?

This shot seems practically impossible. I've seen it made.

It's a seven-cushion shot with high, delicate right-hand English.

It would take an expert.

Pardon, sir. Mrs. manville's brother-in-law on the telephone.

Brother David? Yes. He says it's very urgent.

I shall be there directly.

You made it! Most fortunate.

The judge, expert. Sir, I beat him regularly.

Thank you, sir.

Hello, brother David.

Congratulate me. I just saved you $50,000.

Will you knock off the lousy jokes? We're in a jam.

The place is surrounded by bluecoats.

Cops?

I don't care for that at all, my dear dude.

Would you suggest that I fold my tent and silently scram into the night?

If you know what's good for you, you'll stay.

Stall them. I'll figure somethin' out.

Figure fast, dude. I'm notoriously poor at bag-holding.

What is it, Henry? Nothing's wrong, my dear.

I heard you. You said something about cops.

They're not coming here? Of course not.

Don't lie to me. Tell me the truth. Don't get yourself all worked up.

If something is going to happen, I've got to know.

I'd rather tell them the truth myself. If...

Look what the count gave me to wear.

It's an heirloom that used to belong to queen Isabella.

It's beautiful, dear. It's going to be mine after the wedding.

Carlos hasn't seen it on me.

She's a lovely girl, isn't she, judge?

Don't you think she's lovely? Angelic, my dear.

What am I going to do?

Suppose the count calls off the wedding?

She'd hate me.

Don't be silly, Annie.

She'll want to know who her father is.

What am going to tell her?

You see, I was never married. You won't have to tell her anything.

Get a grip on yourself. Dude will come up with something.

He always does.

Before this evening is over, I expect complete apology from you.

That is why I asked you here.

My dear count, nothing would give me greater satisfaction...

Than to be proven an imbecile.

What time do the guests arrive?

No one arrives first, sir. They all come in last.

Hey, boss. Will you knock it off?

Those bulls ain't got nothin' on me, or else they'd break that door down.

Tell me how I'll get all these people to Annie's without the cops tailing us?

You've got one ace in the hole. What's that?

Give them what they want. What do they want?

Give 'em the truth. The truth to the cops?

What's the matter, you out of your skull?

Wait a minute.

Wait a minute. I've got what they want.

Yeah.

I'll go down, I'll see the commissioner. I'll make a deal.

The commissioner? Right.

You take over, junior. Joy boy, come on.

I don't like it. I don't like the whole thing.

All right, everybody up on your feet. I don't like the way you bow!

We're gonna do the bow again. Let's go.

All I ask you, commissioner, is you just lay off me for tonight.

That's all? Don't you want me to give you the keys to the city, too?

What are you all doing at a joint like queenie Martin's?

Nothin' at all. I mean, that would interest you.

But you see, I just can't tell anybody about it. That's all.

If you'll give me a base-on-balls for tonight, I'll save your badge for you.

What do you mean?

I read the papers. You want to find those reporters, don't you?

You got those reporters? I got friends.

All I gotta do is just spread the word around those friends.

And those newsboys, they'll show up tomorrow just as good as new.

But all I ask you is, please, just lay off me for tonight.

I don't make deals with bums like you.

You'll have a police escort until they show up. Get him out.

Wait a minute. Okay, Mac, I'm gonna tell you something.

I got those reporters, and they ain't showin' up until I'm good and ready.

Now are we gonna do business? Sure, dude. We can do business.

Coberly, brisko, frisk these guys and book them.

What?

Yes, you can always do business with the police.

This ain't gonna get you no place. Get me the mayor.

You can't get him. He's throwing that big party for the governor.

He finds out what it's about, I'll get him.

Don't be a sap. Why drag the mayor into it?

He might make a deal with you, too. He'll probably settle for about 50 years.

I promise you, there's nothin' crooked goin' on.

When you hear the story, you're gonna laugh.

I'm laughin' already. I've been waitin' 10 years to laugh at you.

Hello, chief. Hold it. Just before you talk...

I told queenie I'd tell the truth. I'm gonna give you the truth.

You'll think I'm nuts, but it's the truth. You see, it's like...

A mother goose story.

That's right. It's like one of those stories you tell the kids when they go to bed.

Will you hold the wire, chief?

Dave the dude, bootlegger, racketeer, and gambler...

Wants to tell me a beddy-bye story.

Okay, forget it!

I'm gonna hang before I'm gonna let any fink of a cop give me the horse laugh.

As for you, Mr. mayor...

You tell your Mr. mayor he won't ever see those reporters again.

Ever! Chief.

Dave the dude is in my office... Can I use the phone?

Dave the dude is here. He admits he's got the reporters.

Good work, commissioner.

Dave the dude admits having the reporters.

Dave the what? Fancy-pants ex-bootlegger.

Excellent. Have they arrested him? Of course they've arrested him.

What do you suppose'll happen now? A bail bond and he's out laughing.

That's ridiculous. That's the way things go down here.

Of all the colossal nerve. Who does he think is?

He can't make any deals with the police department.

Here's an example. You see? He makes deals.

He says if we don't let him alone tonight, we may never see the reporters again.

What? Why, this is outrageous. Mr. mayor!

Don't get excited, governor. It's quite the customary procedure.

Bring the dude up here.

That's exactly what I said. Bring him without delay.

Don't worry about my guests. This is more important.

You're so quick to criticize, let's see what you can do with him.

I'd send a criminal like that away for life.

Here's your chance, governor.

All right, slops. Up on your blisters. You ain't bowing right.

Lay off, junior. I been bowin' so much I got a callous on my bellybutton.

Come on, bow! Sit down, junior. Save your strength.

Hello? Dude?

You're where? At the police?

You're gonna go over and pick up the reporters?

Poor Annie.

All right, I'll go right over.

I feel sorry for the whole stinkin' world.

What's it gonna be?

It's all off.

Send the suits back. I'm sorry, kids. You can go home.

Thanks for everything. That's a shame.

You learned how to bow, didn't you?

I wish I could cry. Come on, junior.


There's nobody at queenie Martin's.

No, Annie.

Don't do anything foolish.

Mama, isn't anybody coming?

Mama, what's wrong?

Louise, baby.

If you should... If anything should happen...

Mama.

You wouldn't hate your mother? Don't say things like that.

Is the count in the living room?

What is it, mama?

LA commedia è finita!

Send the waiters and musicians home. Call some doctors. Where's poor Annie?

I'm so sorry.

Count romero, I'd like to talk to you for a minute, please.

I'm sure you must know there's nothing in the world I want more...

Than for my daughter to marry your son.

She loves him. Loves him very much.

And I know he loves her, too.

Ever since Louise was born...

I've lived for one thing:

Her future.

When she wrote me that she'd found someone she loved...

I was the happiest mother in the world.

Count romero, I know you came to America to find out...

All about us...

About Louise's family.

No, señora...

I don't blame you. You have the right.

And it would be terrible, after they were married...

To find out...

That Louise's mother was...

Someone you'd be ashamed of.

That even Louise would be ashamed of. That's silly, mama.

Mrs. manville. Let me go on.

I wanted this talk, so you'd find out all about me.

First of all, count romero...

I must tell you that I am...


His honor, the mayor of the city of New York.

Well, mayor, it's your idea. Start beaming.

My dear Mrs. manville, it's so good to see you again.

The last time I had this pleasure was at your party at briarcliff.

I will never forget it. It was a brilliant affair.

This, of course, is Louise. The image of her late father.

Are you going to give us the good news tonight?

So nice to see you, dear. You look lovely. Have you seen lord Bernard lately?

It's a pleasure. Welcome to our city.

In person, you look so much younger than in the newsreels.

Well, indeed. Thank you very much.

This is my son, Carlos. His honor, the mayor.

You are the lucky young man. Congratulations.

My son, Carlos. Count romero.

His excellency, the governor of New York state!

My dear Mrs. manville, what a pleasure to see you again so soon.

And so radiant. And this is the fabulous Louise?

You know, I've always admired you, so her beauty doesn't surprise me.

You know my wife?

We're so happy to be here. We wouldn't have missed this for the world.

Allow me to welcome you to New York.

I'm crying.

Dude, I'm crying!

Joy boy, look, I'm crying.

All right, I got my own troubles.

A police escort. That's more than we get in Barcelona.

Nothing, my dear Carlos, nothing at all. I've had many a police escort.

How about that?

The mayor, the governor, the cops.

I thought they were all crooks. Why did they do it?

They gotta have an angle.

Delightful experience. Made me feel 10 years younger.

Are you still gonna investigate the mayor's administration?

I don't think so. I think we'll postpone it.

I must remember to call the commissioner tomorrow.

I've made his life miserable the last few days.

"...announce their daughter's engagement...

"To Carlos romero of Barcelona, Spain, at a gala reception last night," and so on.

Take it from there, and include a complete list of the guests.

That's your story. That's all.

What about being snatched? What's that all about?

Who said you were snatched? You were out on a drunk, understand?

Drunk?

We are going to the boat to see her off singin' Polly wolly doodle all the day happy days must really be back, if you bums are takin' cabs now.

Pipe down. We're with the governor. Dry up. We're godfathers.

Fare thee well, fare thee well, fare thee well, my dear Louise for we're going to the boat to see her off singin' Polly wolly doodle all the day

little switz. It's parked right behind you.

He's waiting. He's got $100,000 in small bills.

Boss, you got business. Can I have the night off?

I gotta go see ma.

Wait a minute.

My wife, I ain't seen her in a week, and you know, she's this way again.

What do you say we split a cab? Come on.

Elizabeth? Yeah.

What was the name of that town in Maryland?

Come on, quit bawlin'.

My baby. My darling.

God bless you.

Adiós.

Courage, my pet. Don't faint now. Courage.

Goodbye, Louise!

Why are you standing here with your mouths open?

The crowd on this dock is loaded. Start hustling.

Because I'll raise you $1 a month to work Broadway. Let's go!