Popstar: Never Stop Never Stopping (2016) Script

E, E, E, E, E.

Then I would go to, like, a G. And these are all just power chords.

Hey, how you doing? You're tuned in to Style Boyz television.

I'm just sparking up. Style Boyz radio hour.

Sparking up this French fry. K-F-F-F-R.

I am French Fry Guy. Hello.

No! French Fry Guy! I am French Fry Guy.

Not again! Cut!

Yeah! Style Boyz.

Me likey that When a genie grants wishes About girls blowing kisses And your momma doing dishes Me likey that Okay. Where to start?

Ever since I was born, I was dope.

Honey.

Oh, my gosh, sweetie!

I loved music, and as soon as I could, I started a band with my two best friends, Owen and Lawrence.

The Style Boyz.

Right away, people noticed us because our lyrics were beautiful and insightful, poetic even.

You're a motherfucking, titty-sucking Two-balled bitch With a popcorn pussy And a full-on dick Style Boyz in the house And we give a fuck So whip out your nuts And shut the fuck up...

The thing about the Style Boyz is that their chemistry and their friendship was really authentic.

You know, you could tell that they were really friends with each other.

They were hot.

Before you knew it, we signed with a major label and put out our first single, Karate Guy.

One, two, three, four.

I like to kick it, I'm a karate guy Kiya, kiya Kiya...

Karate Guy? Are you kidding me, man?

That song changed my life.

Now I'm in a cowboy hat Yee-haw, yee-haw Now I'm in a cowboy hat Yee-haw, yee-haw Now I'm in three cowboy hats Yee-haw Kid Contact. He handled the beats and the music.

Kid Brain, you know, he did all the lyrics.

And then, Conner, he was the charismatic one.

The one who brought it all together.

You tell me you didn't see him and say, "Yo, he's the star."

Things definitely started to get complicated.

I couldn't help it if the world chose me.

Take one.

You want me to look here?

Pretty funny, right?

Be original. Be fearless.

I love my White Butt Jeans.

As my star kept burning brighter, some stood by me.

Others couldn't take the heat.

We broke up the next day.

I went solo, and Owen became my DJ.

Lawrence quit the music biz altogether.

And our DJ, Francis, moved to Japan to hunt dolphins, like a dickhead.

But it turned out all of that was just a blessing in disguise because it turned me into Conner4Real.

I dropped my first album. And what can I say? It was a smash.

And I owed it all to my fans, who I share everything with.

Yo, brushing my teeth.

Yo, I just ate a taco.

It's Conner's Confessions, hoverboard edition.

Oh, fuck.

Dude.

Yo, just got my butt waxed.

That shit hurt.

He's painfully honest with his fans, probably too honest, really, like...

But they love him for it.

Yo, just jacked it.

Um... Feeling pretty mellow right now.

Doink de doink.

Doink de doink.

Doink de doink.

I think he's incredible. He really is the real deal.

My fans and me, we're in love.

My songs are love letters, and the arena is our bedroom.

The stage... The stage is where we fuck.

Watch out Watch out...

It's Conner!

Bar none, I am the most humblest Number one at the top of the humble list My apple crumble is by far The most crumblest But I act like it tastes bad out of humbleness The thing about me that's so impressive Is how infrequently I mention all of my successes I poo-poo it When girls say that I should model My belly's full from all the pride I swallow I've got it all And I'm getting more Adam Levine's hologram!

But I never fall Beat them all

'Cause you know I'm so humble So expensive.

I'm so humble I'm so humble I'm not your normal definition of a rock star I don't complain When my private jet is subpar Your mom's old But I'll ask if she's your sister People say I'm charming But I beg to differ I feel more humble Than Dikembe Mutombo After a stumble left him covered In a big pot of gumbo I guess, in a way, being gracious Is my weakness People say I'm so unpretentious For a genius I've got it all And I'm getting more But I never fall Beat them all

'Cause you know I'm so humble I say that with no ego.

I'm so humble I'm so humble

Watch out Watch out I'm So Humble, I instantly connected with that because I'm probably the most humble person that I know.

Yeah, well, it's a pretty exciting time right now.

Conner's second album, his second solo album, CONNquest, is dropping in two weeks.

And then we go on the world tour.

Harry, get in here, man.

I've been Conner's manager since back with the Style Boyz.

It used to be the four of us riding around in a van.

But, uh, with success, our family had to get a little bit bigger.

Sure, Conner surrounds himself with people who are agreeable.

- I wouldn't call them yes men. Whoo!

Money! Oh!

It went in! It went in! You a murderer, son!

Well, Conner currently has 32 people on his personal payroll.

He has a personal assistant, a party coordinator, an ab trainer, basketball coach, an eyebrow specialist, sneaker jockey, two umbrella wranglers, a weed roller, a weed holder, a turtle sitter for Maximus, scarf caddy...

...a guy who punches him in the nuts so that he remembers where he came from... You're right.

...a perspective manipulator...

Oh! That's a guy who's, uh, slightly shorter than Conner who he pays to stand near him at events to make him look taller.

You know, back in my high school days I was in a band.

You may have heard of them, called Tony! Toni! Tone! Tonee?

We broke up over creative differences.

Each Tony had an exclamation point after their name, and I thought my name should have a question mark.

So it would be T ony! Toni! Tone! Tonee?

In hindsight, it was not my best decision, but that led me to Conner. So who's laughing now?

Here you go, buddy. Ow, dude! You bit me, Max.

This is my best friend Maximus.

My mom gave him to me when I was nine years old, like, right after my dad died.

I feel like he's, like, the closest thing I've ever had to, like, a little brother or something.

If I had, like, a mute brother that was hella scaly.

As a hatchling, the doctors said that he had been diagnosed with soggy bones syndrome and that he was not gonna make it past, like, six months, but that was 20 years ago.

You're my best friend. Don't tell Owen.

Come on up here. This is Owen's world right here.

This is where I keep all my gear.

This is one of the earliest synths I ever got. It's a DX7. This is a classic.

Oh, Conner's show? No, no. In Conner's show I just use this.

It's a iPod, 60 gigs, so, you know, I can fit the entire show and, uh, plus, like, a bunch of dope audio books, you know.

It was year three at Hogwarts, and Harry was worried it would never get any easier.

Harry P.

You know, a lot of people ask me that.

They say, like, "Is it weird for you

"to be playing the background now

"'cause, you know, you used to be in Style Boyz?"

And I always say, "No, man, not at all!"

Because I... I could never do what Conner does, you know?

Look, I'm a perfectionist.

My first album sold four million copies, so this one has to sell more.

And that's why I take this so seriously, you know, and I live for this music.

And... It can't go away.

That's why I personally wrote every song on this record, and I used over 100 producers for just 17 tracks, to guarantee that they're all hits.

I made a lot of the beats on the first record, but on this one Conner said he really wanted to branch out.

It's good for him to grow, you know.

And, also, I played him a bunch of my beats, and he was like, "No."

What's up, y'all? Got a hot new single coming.

It addresses some social issues that I think are being ignored, so keep your eyes peeled for that.

We're gonna be surprise-releasing it next Thursday at noon...

Uh... And that's it.

Discrimination It ain't right I'm not gay But if I was, I would want equal rights I'm not gay But if I were, I would marry who I like It's not fair I'm not gay That the government has a say In who can love who, not gay Or to which god you can pray I'm not gay It gets me so angry On behalf of them, I feel passionate Not gay So I pray for them, and I say for them We need to make a change Not gay I see it clear as day This area is not gray, titties We need equality And for all to see That this is the new way Not gay Just seems, not gay Wrong, not gay That no one seems to care Sports We can't continue to pretend This not gay madness has to end Not gay I was born this way... Straight...

You were born your way... Gay...

Gay or straight, Straight or gay It's all okay... Sure...

It's time to make a change... Yes...

Time to stop the hate... Uh...

'Cause who you are is beautiful... Not gay...

Lying in bed next to 10 beautiful girls All straight And while I made love to every one of them I was thinking about the world Hot wings True love trumps all Predator Flying kicks, not gay Big watch, not gay Missionary, one love Gym socks, nunchuck, not gay Lighter fluid, HD, ninja, world peace Four-wheel drive, gay marriage, love beave Free love, golf club, two guys, not gay, rainbow, muff dive Harvey Milk, Sean Penn, not gay Drum solo, courtside seats, safe sex One-armed pushups Lynyrd Skynyrd I'm not gay I'm not gay I'm not, not, not gay I'm not gay I was born this way... I'm straight...

You were born your way... You're gay...

Gay or straight, Straight or gay It's all okay... And now it time for sexual freedom for all Time to make a change... Sexual freedom for all...

Time to stop the hate... Sexual freedom for all...

'Cause who you are is beautiful Sexual freedom for all, not gay He's writing a song for gay marriage.

You know, like it's not allowed. It's allowed now.

Usually, I don't like to read reviews, but I'm just excited.

Like, I can't... I can't wait. I wanna know how people feel about it, and I wanna know how much they love it, so, uh, here we go.

Um...

Well, it's Pitchfork. It's... They gave it a negative review.

No, like it's a negative four out of 10. Positive 10, I assume.

Pitchfork can be kind of pretentious, though, so...

What?

You ain't gonna knock my hustle.

Let's look at another one. Let's pull it up. Rolling Stone.

Okay, um... Out of four possible stars, Rolling Stone has given it the shit emoji.

I can only assume it's a mess-up, you know.

They must have had a problem with their, um...

No, this seems like the right score for how they're saying this.

You know what? Let just do a search.

"CONNquest review."

Oh, here we go. Here we go.

"CONNquest a triumph."

That's a good one. Let me read it. This is on The Onion.

So, you know, mixed. Let's call it mixed reviews.

So first you're in a group. You introduce us to the Style Boyz, and Donkey Roll, of course, we play the hell out of that.

Yeah. That's a hit for us, man.

And then, Conner, you get that breakout moment.

You get a phone call from Claudia Cantrell.

The one and only.

And she asks you for a verse, man, on her song Turn Up the Beef.

Turn up the Beef Throw your body on the flame But you take that moment, and instead of just, like, kicking a regular verse... You know what I'm saying?

You did something a little different.

The "catchphrase" verse, as it's now known. Yeah.

Oh. Yeah, yeah. Hello.

I had been working on a catchphrase... Mmm-hmm.

...but what had happened was I just thought of so many dope ones that I was like, "What if I put them all into the verse?"

Turn up the beef CONNER: It's Conner, bitch

Yeah, he said so many words I didn't know.

That was a game-changing moment.

Usually one catchphrase in a hit.

He dropped, like, 30 on us in one night.

Shit was crazy.

Conner4Real Immediately, I said, "Man, this guy right here, he's gonna make it big!"

Because when you have a catchphrase, the world is catched by your phrase.

You fast forward. Things start to happen, man.

You get the Pop Music Award, and now, here come those offers of a solo contract.

Yeah. How'd the other Style Boyz feel about that?

You know, they took it fine. Mmm-hmm.

Owen is my DJ and my best friend. That's good, man.

And Lawrence lives on a farm now, so...

Hold on. Lawrence Dunn is a farmer?

My name is Lawrence Dunn.

I used to be in the Style Boyz. Now I'm a farmer.

Being out here in nature, away from all the people and the trappings of modern life, it's so peaceful. There nothing like it. Ohh!

I've never been happier.

Uh... So, yeah, this is, uh, all my woodwork.

It's kind of my passion, uh, my hobby.

This is a nice piece. It's called Government in Crisis for obvious reasons.

This one's a mask. It's still me.

It's a hat.

You know, we were going places as a band. We had plans as a band.

Style Boyz, that's three guys, not two. It doesn't work with two.

You know, it's like a tricycle.

You take away one of the wheels, what have you got?

Nothing. A bicycle. Don't use that.

Look, we had a good run, you know. We had a few hits.

But it had run its course, you know.

It was time for us to all move on.

Get over it.

When the Style Boyz broke up...

Damn.

The only other time I remember being that sad was when they killed Josh Charles on The Good Wife.

I'm a Style Boy for life

Y'all ready for this? Yeah.

Okay. Welcome to the future, bitches.

That's Conner's song.

Whoa!

Okay, both sides. Okay.

It's fun, right? Yeah.

You know, it's my favorite. I like the freezer one.

Listen to this, homies. We can upload your entire album to fridges, washer-dryers, blenders, and microwaves across the country.

You could do that? Yes, nerd.

It's just Wi-Fi jibber jabber. It's not a big deal.

Nobody doing appliance shit, my nigga.

Ain't that right, my nigger? No one is doing appliance shit.

Okay, went with the hard "r."

This is that next, next, next, man.

I told you all, Deborah's a genius.

It's true, and it is also pronounced "Deboarrah."

"Deboarrah." Oh, that's very cool. "Deboarrah."

What's the origin of that?

Uh, I believe Deborah.

That was ridiculous.

Right? Oh, my God, yes, that was insane.

I mean, who would wanna listen to music that way?

Swag. I know it's kind of weird, but Aquaspin's gonna help us get the music out there, man.

I mean... You don't think people are gonna have a problem when music just appears in their houses?

Look, I know it sounds lame, but there's no such thing as selling out anymore, man.

This is how big business works.

I mean, nowadays, if you don't sell out, people will wonder if nobody asked you to.

Right. But look, dude, if you're not comfortable with it, we could rethink it.

No, man, it's cool. It's cool.

All right, cool. Let's get in the car.

This jacket's making me sweat my ass off.

Yeah, it's fucking hot as shit out here.

- Welcome to the car, Conner. AC.

- Did you say Macy's? AC.

Did you say Macy's?

- Macy's? Macy's? Air conditioning.

Sometimes Conner just gets an idea, and he runs with it, you know, and he's right, like, 99.9% of the time, so you've just got to trust that he knows what he's doing.

So I understand why he, you know, did the whole Aquaspin thing.

Touring is expensive today. Why you think I do the A$ap Crunchables?

This is Gary Sikes. This is the label photographer.

Gentlemen. Gentlemen. All right. There we go. Yeah.

All right. Got the two of you. Great. Okay.

Can I have a little separation, please?

Oh wait. Hang on, Gary.

You're not trying to break up the dream team, are you?

No, no, no. Just trying to get the logo.

May I... May I touch you? Yeah, yeah.

Just slide down just a little bit. Schooch you down like that.

A little pressure. There we go.

I still see your shadow a little bit on him. If you don't mind...

Okay... You're still in it. You're still in it.

Conner. Nice. Yeah, same thing.

Nice. Yeah.

Here you go, Paula. Thank you.

Hey, how's the Pop Music Award thing coming?

Good. I've called producers. I'm waiting to hear back.

Please stay on them because you know how important it is to him.

I'd love to get Conner to the point where people forget that he's a musician.

Where he's just kind of everywhere like oxygen or gravity or clinical depression. He's just everywhere.

Conner!

Hey!

Oh!

Ashley Wednesday, star of the blockbuster Cube Theorem franchise, was spotted with pop rapper Conner4Real, leaving the exclusive New York City nightclub... last night.

Okay. Let's go, kids. Time to go home in your fun car.

Ash and I have been hanging out for about six months now, and I've got to say, she's the total package.

Well, when I was little, I would spend hours looking at famous couples in magazines.

Us Weekly, People, and everybody's speculating.

"Are they a real couple, or are they just for publicity?"

And I knew that when I grew up, I wanted to be one of those couples.

Five, four, three, two, one!

Last night, popstar Conner4Real's new album CONNquest was released...

...on all Aquaspin appliances.

Millions of unsuspecting Americans turned on their toasters...

You can't do that to people.

Yo, Conner4Real, you suck, dude!

Whoo!

The President calling the popstar a real dumb...

The only reason he put it in appliances is 'cause no one was gonna buy his shit album.

He released his record with a dishwashing company?

They did this big launch, and it was all wireless or something.

I don't know. But it came out of every appliance in my house, and I was just like, "I hate Conner4Real."

For real.

But seriously, let's be nice to Conner4Real

'cause he seems like a good guy.

Uh, I don't think so.

Uh, I don't think so. Uh, I don't think so.

Come on!

Well, the overnight numbers were not what we were expecting.

They were pretty low. But it's still early.

Yeah, some people are saying that the Aquaspin thing was an invasion of privacy, so it's just a little bump in the road.

Um...

He's dealing with it.

Conner, you okay, buddy?

Maybe the numbers were wrong, you know.

Like, Bonkohub had a computer virus or something.

You know, you could be right. I'll have Jay look into it.

So what are we talking? Like, 150, 200, or...

Mmm... Sixty-five thousand.

Well, that is not where we wanted to be, but not bad for the day.

Actually, Conner, that's for the week.

Estimated.

Sixty-five?

For the week?

Can... Can you...

Hey, can you guys give us a second here?

Thank you.


It's the first day of tour, baby!

Whoo!

I know Conner's bumming right now, but his concert is amazing.

When this thing goes off and he's out there, I mean, it's just a spectacle. It's enormous.

Yeah, my name is Zippy. I'm the guitar tech on the tour.

Shit. Shit.

I make sure all the instruments are tip-top.

I love the road. You know, this is kind of a perfect job for me, but my favorite free time thing is flat-lining.

Heart rate dropping.

Flatlining is when you technically lower your heart rate until, um...

Well, you're dead.

He's still dropping. - Then you can catch a glimpse of the afterlife. Got the idea from the film Flatliners, Joel Schumacher film shot by Jan de Bont.

You know, I try to fit in a F-line sesh at least once a week.

Two, one. Hit him. Clear!

Oh, whoa!

Did I shit my pants?

Not this time.

To Conner!

To Conner!

My mom means well.

She had her own dreams of becoming a star back in the day, and she gave it up to have me, so I really owe her for that, and I'm lucky to have her support.

You wanna go first? I'll go first.

Okay, you go first.

Kids first, and then moms.

Oh, my God, that is so fun!

Hello, my name is Tyrus Quash, and I do the food service on Conner's tours.

So these are carrots eight different ways.

You have your triangles, shaved, obelisks, natural, julienne...

As the French like to call it...

"Julienne." I think that's how they say it.

Conner's very specific when it comes to food, and it brings me great joy to see him love the treats that I prepare.

Yeah! Connor!


Finest girl I ever met In my whole life Wanna take her home Make her my wife Knew she was a freak When she started talking She said, "Fuck me Like we fucked bin Laden"

Whoa That girl was a freak She said she wanted me to fuck her Harder than the military Fucked bin Laden Fucked bin Laden Fucked bin Laden She wanted to fuck me Harder than the US government Fucked bin Laden She was a freaky kind of girl Kept up on current events From all around the world More specifically one event The time Osama bin Laden Got shot in the head She said, "Do me like that" But I couldn't track the metaphor That said, I can see you horny Like a Stegosaur That said, again, your request Is so irregular She put on a beard I started looking at the exit door Then a turban, then a tunic She said, "Invade my cave With your special unit"

I said, "He wasn't in a cave" But there was no stopping She demanded that I fuck her like we Fucked bin Laden Fucked bin Laden Fucked bin Laden She wanted to fuck me Harder than the US government Fucked bin Laden This girl requested intercourse To bring her to climax With the clinical efficiency Of the assassination Of bin Laden You're harboring a fugitive That ass And my justice will be punitive Imma smash Night vision They can see us through my GoPro She tried to negotiate I said that's a no-no Now I'm creeping in her bedroom like, "Go, go"

She tells me to go low Then looks down and says I've got to Terrorize that pussy Got to terrorize that pussy So I did it Improvised some crazy shit...

It's fucking awful.

Conner's music may not be what I listen to in my free time, but it seems to make so many people money.

Mona Lisa You're an overrated piece of shit Can someone explain Why the whole wide world Is obsessed with a Garbage Pail Kid Looks like a Garbage Pail Kid Y'all have been so amazing. Thank you so much.

What a beautiful night. Everybody in the front, make some noise.

Now everybody on the sides, make some noise.

Now everybody way up in the upper deck, make some noise.

Conner, I love you! I love you!

Harry, what the hell?

First of all, this is an 18,000-seat arena.

Nobody sells this out. You sold 15,000 seats. That's still really good.

No, it's not good. Hammerleg sold this place out last week.

Well, Aquaspin agrees with you.

They're concerned about ticket sales.

What? But it's an 18,000 seat place. Nobody sells that out.

Hammerleg did last week.

Look, the low record sales are making them nervous.

They wanna bring on an opening act.

What? We have an opening act. Owen DJs.

Hey, I'm always saying Style Boyz could be the opener.

No, man. Will you stop with that?

Dude, people keep blowing up my Twitter about us doing Donkey Roll.

Oh, they're blowing up your Twitter? Yeah.

How many followers do you have, Owen?

Like 500,000.

Okay, well, I got 20 million, and no one's asking me to do that shit, so...

Some of those are probably bots.

Okay, look, guys, regardless, we still have to decide on an opening act.

Man! All right, fine. Does anybody have ideas?

One, but you are gonna like it.

Wait. Did you say "are" or "aren't"?

Are.

Yeah! You know I'm a motherfucking piece of shit.

Say, "Fuck you, Hunter!"

Fuck you, Hunter!

Say, "Fuck you, Hunter!"

Fuck you, Hunter!

Let's go.

Stomping through the forest Like a retarded Tyrannosaurus Hunter eating beefcakes In the back of a Ford Taurus Fuck the chorus Fuck my moms Fuck your dad Fuck this song

Hunter the Hungry is one of those rappers who just doesn't give a fuck.

People think that he ain't crazy.

No, he crazy for real. I seen him backstage.

He wasn't smoking the blunt. He was just eating it.

I mean Hunter's the youth, you know. He's... He's what's next.

I'm talking our crew!

Oh!

Conner4Real in the flesh? Hey, yo!

It's... It's an honor to meet you, man.

CONNquest, Style Boyz, I grew up off that shit, man.

Thanks. I wanna be you, kind of, but not white.

Like black still, 'cause it's strong.

It's a strong color. For sure, yeah.

Like, you are that dude. Like, have you met you?

Have you met you? You? Have you met you?

Yeah, yeah. You know what I'm saying? This is crazy.

You be you. You don't want me to be all that

'cause I'll tear some shit up.

You know how it is? That is great...

Hell, yeah! We gonna turn up a show up here!

Oh, don't hurt me.

You know how it is! Okay.

But seriously, man. I'm real honored, dawg.

I'm not gonna let you down. You my idol, right next to Jesus and Morgan Freeman.

All right, sure. Yeah.

Yeah, bitch! What up?

I like him.

Where'd you get the cayenne? Get off my basil.

No, dawg. That's my basil, too. Get off my basil, dude.

That's my basil.

That's my basil, too. Come on, dude.

And chives, son! And chives! Watch me kill this deer real quick.

Oh.

What? You can do that? That's deer meat, son.

That's deer meat, bitch. Whoa, dude.

What is this crazy shit?

Oh, dude! That's your new head.

What?

I had it specially made for you, man.

I took the measurements while you were sleeping.

It's like on some futuristic EDM shit.

We did the research, and EDM is hot.

Robots on ecstasy and shit.

Daft Punk, deadmau5, DJ Tommy Pizza.

Oprah Spinfrey, Vinyl Ritchie, R2-LSD2, Ecstasy-3PO, LSD-3PO, Elton John. All those dudes are crushing.

Look at all these functions. Yeah.

It's like a Lite-Brite, but it's moving.

Oh, and check this out.

Oh, wow! It goes all the way up there.

All the way, man. It's like a beacon to space.

And, plus, it makes this sound.

Wow!

Why would it make that sound?

I don't even know, but it's nice to know that it's there if you need it, you know.

Yeah. Yo, helmet's dope.

Looks like the tip of Optimus Prime's dick.

See? Don't you wanna look like Optimus Prime?

His dick? Fuck, yeah!

Fuck, yeah! Yeah, man... I don't know.

Owen, please? Please, please wear the helmet, Owen.

Come on, man. The show really needs it. Please, man.

I mean, if it'll help the tour. Yes.

Yeah. Dude, we're killing this!

Well, howdy, ma'am We're the two banditos...

Having Hunter aboard has really energized the tour.

Tickets are selling.

Hunter is the shit.

Aw! I love you, too, man.

Dude! Get off me, dude!

Yeah, you know we're two banditos Yeah, you know we're two banditos Do a little dance and drink a little water Putting that helmet on Owen's head, that was a brilliant gimmick.

I wish I'd done that with Zayn.

We could've kept him in One Direction for years.

Prank time!

Pranks is where it's at. You know what I'm saying?

Like, you've got to have fun on tour, yo.

Rise and shine, dude.

You know he's got that sense of humor where it's like, "Stop now, please." "Please stop."

But he keeps on going. "Please stop doing this."

Eat a lot of burritos While we're fucking bald eagles Let's go back to the chorus, dude Okay We're two cute little kittens Yeah, we're two cute little kittens Yeah, we're two cute little kittens Shut the fuck up Con ner, did you take a shit in the Anne Frank House?

Do not go in there.

Whoo!

Ace Ventura.

I fucked your first cousin with the didgeridoo And when she came You know, it sounded like...

This is my new best friend right here!

This my nigga!

Yeah, he's my friend!

All right, listen up, everybody.

First of all, I wanna say congratulations on a great show tonight.

Yeah. For the last eight shows, we have been sold out!

It's like I was... I feel like it's finally just clicking.

Yeah. Hey, we are on a roll, baby.

Yeah. Yeah.

Is it helping album sales? It's got to be, right?

You know how it is, you know.

Sometimes, it takes a while for the marketplace to catch up.

Don't worry. Definitely helping Hunter.

This dude's album just went gold.

Gold? For real.

How's that even... That's a mistake, right?

Our shit hasn't even gone gold.

Look, he's just having a moment. That's all.

Well, how come I'm not having a moment?

You've had tons of moments.

Don't worry. There's plenty to go around.

Yo! Shout out to T.I. in the house.

What's up, soldier? What's up, Ka-el? Okay.

Y'all, my man Hunter the Hungry is in the house.

Y'all make some noise!

What's up, Ka-el?

Yo! Y'all wanna hear the hottest song on the streets right now?

Yeah!

Stomping through the forest Like a retarded Tyrannosaurus Hunter eating beefcakes In the back of a Ford Taurus...

Look, man, Conner got all the way to the top of this business, you know, and the higher you get, the harder you fall. I mean, ask any coconut.

Thing is, is that Conner's never been as good as with the Style Boyz.

Whatever him and Lawrence were beefing over, they need to figure out a way to squash it.

Ever since Style Boyz broke up, Lawrence has been mad at me.

He claims he wrote my famous catchphrase verse.

Translation, he's a jealous-ass hater who's mad that I blew up, and he's a farmer out in bumfuck nowhere, but, you know, we all have our take.

Uh, this one here, this is my Poppy.

Uh...

It's what I got for writing Conner's famous catchphrase verse.

If you look close, you'll notice that it's not real because I didn't get a Poppy or credit of any kind.

But there is one person that I absolutely have to thank, and that person is me.

Me, myself, and I! I did it all by myself. Nobody helped me.

So, yeah, that's my Poppy.

I mean, if he's so great, how come he's not making anything, you know?

Nothing's stopping him from going out and writing a bunch of hits.

After the Style Boyz, I tried some solo projects, but none of them really took off.

Old boots, paper towels Shop girl, unknown fellow Deodorant, house keys Sweatshirt, and umbrella A golf club, basketball, bug spray A laundry heap, a pocket knife, a battery These are the things in my Jeep These are the things in my Jeep I didn't really relate to that song because, you know, I had different things in my Jeep than he had in his Jeep.

I don't think Conner's living real life. I think he's in a bubble with people telling him what he wants to hear and kissing his ass all day.

I heard he's getting into stage gimmicks now.

He's got Owen in a helmet looking dumb, and one where he sings from a toilet.

Someone should've told him that shit is whack, but he's so afraid of failure, man. He's just getting desperate.

Let's try it again.

Oh!

Oh, it snagged.

What's up, my confidants? Be sure to come through to my show tonight.

I'm trying a brand new magic trick.

You know they said it couldn't be done.

That the trick that was designed for a woman, and my junk would get all tangled, but I figured out how to solve it.

I think if I just tuck it all back.

See you tonight.

Let's go.

Hey!

What is this, y'all?

I said upscale. You took me to outer space.

What do you say we take it back down to Earth?

Whoo!

What?

This almost looks like something that a cowboy might wear.

Are y'all looking at my chaps?

But enough horsing around. Let's take this uptown.

How about a good old fashioned tuxedo? There is no substitute.

Top of the world!

Oh, shit.

No, no. It's tucked. I shaved for the trick. Don't post those pics.

As they approach the end of the dark forest...

It's an illusion. It's tucked. I tuck it back.

Conner, just hold on.

- Don't post those. It's a tuck and take.

I don't know what to do right now.

I wanna show you all my dick but I can't show you my dick.

It's a great conundrum. It's a great conundrum.

Holy shit, dude. Where the fuck was your dick, dawg?

What happened out there? What happened to the trick?

Conner, don't worry. Nobody saw anything.

I wish they had seen something.

Now, there's 10,000 people that think I got no dick.

Wait. You guys know I have a dick, right? Yes.

You do. You do. Yeah, it's just that...

I've always believed you had a dick.

Right, right, right. But like where was it, though?

Because that motherfucker was gone.

We've gone over this.

You know I've got to tuck my shit back so it doesn't get tangled up in the garments.

That makes perfect sense. Of course.

You've got to put it in between your legs.

Conner, don't worry about it. You were up there for, like, 10 seconds.

Ten seconds is an eternity, Harry.

It's a third of the way to Mars.

Conner, we've talked about this.

Thirty Seconds to Mars is the name of a band. It's not a fact.

Look, thank you, dawg, because this shit was hilarious, man.

Well, I'm so glad that I could entertain you, Hunter.

You wouldn't happen to know anything about this, would you?

Oh! I wish.

This is like genius prank shit right here. Next level.

You would have to be the best prankster of all time to think of something like this, and, well, shit, that's me. Maybe I did do it.

No, I didn't do it, or did I?

No, I didn't, or maybe I did not do it. Did you?

I didn't do it, or I did. Who knows? I don't.

Conner, don't worry. Don't worry. This is not news.

What the fuck? Son...

The timing of that was crazy.

They should call him NoDick4Real.

Whoa!

It was tucked, Linda. It's part of the show.

No. No, don't print that. Everywhere I look. It's insane.

Now it's on the front page of USA Today, the most respected newspaper in the world.

Sweetie, relax. All we need is a different story to wipe it out of the press cycle. Mmm-hmm.

Okay, so what? What do we do?

Anything. Release a new single.

Get a crazy haircut, or, uh, take an ugly teenager to the prom.

All good ideas. Let's keep thinking about it, and I'm gonna go tweet a picture of my dick.

Okay, don't really do that.

Man, I just think it's gonna really change people's perception of me in a good, positive way, and also I'm really glad about the fact that we'll get married, too, 'cause I like her so much.

Conner, what's going on? You'll see.

Oh, my God! Is that music? Yeah.

Almost there and...

Uh-huh.

You ready? Mmm-hmm.

Are those real wolves?

Yeah. Conner.

My psychic told me that, in my previous life, I was a wolf, which makes so much sense, but I can't believe that Conner remembered.

And you invited the press. Yeah.

I landed in London At a quarter to noon Oh, my God, is that Seal? Yeah.

What is this? What's going on?

I know she's exquisite So I had to visit Pushed my back to the front of the door Ever since I met you, I knew in my heart that you were super banging.

Ashley Wednesday Hey, dude, you've got to kill this music. The wolves are going crazy.

I can't stop Seal from singing.

With impeccable style All right, can we get the wolves to be more quiet?

No.

Ashley Wednesday,

will you marry me?

Please freaking say yes, girl Yes. Yes.

The wolves are loose!

Look out! Shit!

Shit. Okay.

Oh, God!

Move! Run now!

Jesus Christ, we got wild animals everywhere...

My God!

Get on!

Seal, come on! Hurry!

Are you okay? I'm fine. For a second...

Seal!

Seal! Shit!

Oh!

Oh, my God, you got him, dude!

Don't worry. I've been in this situation before.

How do you think I got these scars?

From wolves?

Fucking wolves. Now let's get out of here.

What the fuck?

Go! Go! Go!

We killed Seal. He's dead!

He's dead! Seal is dead!

Conner4Real is being sued by R&B singer Seal for $5 million.

Why would he do that to Seal?

Conner4Real is such a joke.

He disappointed all of us. I mean like...

Did you see that proposal?

Like, I don't even think they like each other.

'Cause Conner definitely ain't the real deal.

He doesn't even have a dick.

I used to like Conner4Real, but now I wish he would just go away.

My first guest, Conner4Real!

I just wanna thank Seal again and wish him a fast recovery.

He's gonna be fine.

That's great news.

That's great news, and congrats again to you and Ashley.

Thank you. Thank you, and, you know, don't forget, CONNquest in stores now. Cop that.

Yeah, absolutely.

Can I just fanboy out for a second?

Uh, because my favorite thing of yours from back in the day, the Donkey Roll. Oh!

You got a minute? Yeah, yeah, yeah.

For the kids out there, the Donkey Roll is from Conner's old group, the Style Boyz, when I was...

You know what I'm saying? Yeah.

I don't wanna brag but I used to do a mean Donkey Roll back in college.

I'm just saying. Oh, for real?

Some said I did it better than yours.

Come on, now. No...

Don't do that, Jimmy Fallon.

I think I saw Kid Contact backstage.

Do you think that we could get him out here and...

I doubt he'd be into that.

Y'all set me up?

Oh!

Okay, I'll be filling in for Kid Brain! Roots, Donkey-Roll us!

I love the Donkey Roll.

The Donkey Roll was the shit. That's the reason why I dance.

Every junior high dance had to end with the Donkey Roll.

I dreamed of doing the Donkey Roll onstage with them.

Yo, that was impressive!

It's all right.

Thanks, everybody.

Yo, dude, how fun was that shit?

Are you serious? Yeah.

I wish Lawrence could've been here.

Owen, that sucked.

I'm trying to sell a record, not stroll down memory lane.

That shit made me look like a has-been.

Come on, man. The crowd loved it.

Whatever, man.

Conner.

Well, look, you have to understand something.

Conner's lived a very blessed life.

He got very successful very, very young.

No, no, no.

And because of that, he never really learned to handle adversity in an adult way.

How many people here bought my new album CONNquest?

All y'all are liars! I know you didn't buy it!

Do you guys even like me anymore?

Could've seen this coming.

Conner4Real dumped by new fiancée, Ashley Wednesday.

Hey, Conner, why did Ashley dump you, bro?

Get the fuck off me. Yo, man!

Son of a bitch!

Yo, I could really use you out here, man. - Mmm-hmm.

Yo, we're in Denver tomorrow.

Come through. I'll send a car for you.

He really wants to apologize?

Yes. He really...

Stop. Down.

This business can be crazy, man.

That's why it's so important to be around people that you trust, that you've grown up with.

I mean... What is that?

And, plus, Lawrence was always the one who could cheer Conner up, you know.

Mmm-hmm.

Dude, please. He really needs his real friends right now.

He needs you.

Yo, what's that sound in the background?

Oh, it's just my girlfriend. I'm having sex with her.

All right, man. Maybe, you know? Maybe. I'll think about it.

So last night, I caught a little bit of this obscure old movie called The Parent Trap, right?

In that movie, these two little red-headed girls, they get the idea to trick their divorced parents into falling back in love with each other, so I was like, "Yo, if I just get Lawrence and Conner in the same room together, "boom, they're gonna realize that they're friends, "and we all can all be buddies again."

Mona Lisa You're an overrated piece of shit What the fuck is this garbage Tyrus, shut up, man. We're watching TV.

Quiet, fool.

Leave the singing to the professionals, please. Yeah?

You're right. I'm sorry.

And cut softer, dawg.

Dedicated to the people of Ethpania.

We were on the road in Spain, and I noticed that the people there pronounce the letter S with, like, a T-H "th" sound, so instead of saying Spain, they say Thpain, you know, and it's like the whole country has a crazy speech impediment, so I wrote a thong about that.

In Ibitha, tha, tha, tha Every day's a fiesta, tha, tha Speakers boom On the dance floor, floor, floor Everyone is a star, star, star, star Our tummies are full of Pae-jhay-ah All right. Thanks, man.

Man, good shit.

You dropped in perfect right on that one.

Oh, thanks, man. Thanks.

Oh, I invited Lawrence to come to the after-party tonight, so he might be here.

What? Lawrence is here?

Yeah, man. You know, I told you he lives right nearby here, so I just thought it'd be cool for him to come.

He actually... He wanted to apologize to you, I think...

Owen, are you trying to Parent Trap us?

No.

God, he looks like a caveman.

Look at this fool. He's about to murder somebody.

I think it's just the lighting in the limo.

What?

No, seriously, I think that that's just his resting face.

He's just relaxing.

So, what, he'll just apologize to me, and I'm supposed to forgive him, and then we go back to being a big happy family?

Something like that, yeah.

All right.

Style Boyz in the house, right?

No. No. Fuck this.

No. No! Fans got through the gate.

We've got to lock up. Let me out, man. Unlock the doors.

Yeah, you should go, man. Bail. That's your move.

That's not my move. That's your move. You bailed.

I didn't bail. People liked me best, and you couldn't handle it, so I did my own thing.

People liked you best 'cause of the shit I wrote.

They don't like your shit. They like my shit, and they don't even know it.

Take a look around, Lawrence. If you were so important to my success, how come my solo shit's way bigger than Style Boyz ever was?

You got Owen making all your beats, and now you ditched him, and your shit's tanking.

Why can't you just give me any credit, man?

Just admit that I'm talented?

Why can't you admit that I wrote the "catchphrase" verse?

Oh, this shit again.

None of this garbage out here is possible without me.

Admit that shit. Man, what the fuck is going on out there?

Conner, sign my tits! Oh, what this?

This is just some beautiful-ass titties, man.

My fans ask me to sign them all the time because they love me, and I love them, Lawrence.

And you know what? You need to grow up, dude, because this right here, this is what it's all about, my friend.

Making art. Connecting with people.

This is that rock star life, my man, and I'm slurping it down like a big old fat milkshake.

Hey, Conner? Not now, Owen.

Just... I'm gonna sign these titties, so sit back and watch how it's done, my friend. I'm gonna...

Oh, shit! Oh! It's a dick!

That's one of your fans, man. Go for it.

Can you make it out to Jenna?

Oh, hello. That's me.

It's nice to meet you.

That's my fiance's penis. Ah.

Big fan.

Thanks, man. So tight. Okay.

He's inside. I'm just gonna...

The old John Hancock.

Are you guys getting back together? Style Boyz?

No. No.

We're thinking about it. Right on.

I'm gonna roll the window up now so just...

Thanks for coming by. Great to meet you guys.

I rest my case, Lawrence.

You think you know what's up, but in fact, you my friend, have no idea what's going on.

Don't call me again.

Lawrence, dude. Don't leave like that.

Shit.

We should probably hit the car wash.

All work and no play Make Hunter go crazy All play and no work Make Hunter feel just as depressed I'm OJ I'm Simpson I'm Martha I'm Plimpton Finally heard back from the Poppies.

Oh, yeah? Yeah, they love you.

Um, they just don't have enough room for you this year.

What? For real?

Yeah, it's a bummer. I know.

I told them to keep us in mind if anything changes.

It could come around.

This business is tough.

The highs are high, and the lows are low, you know.

It's like a wave.

You've just got to learn how to ride the wave, you know.

Up and down, just like that.

Tony! Toni! Tone! Tonee?

Bartending.

Style Boyz, Conner4Real.

That means I might be going down again soon.

Heya, heya, ho Harry, he's 30 minutes over.

I'm sure he'll be done soon.

I'm never gonna leave this stage! I'm gonna die up here!

All right, that's it.

Owen, get your gear.

Got it.

Frank, queue it up.

Conner, what are you doing?

I'm going on, Harry.

You better get a bedpan! I'll be here all night, bitch!

Who came here to see Hunter the Hungry?

And who came here to see Conner4Real?

What's up, y'all?

What'd you just say?

Contact, skip the intro. Go to Humble.

Stomping through the forest Like a retarded Tyrannosaurus Bar none, I am the most humblest In the back of a Ford Taurus Fuck the chorus Number one at the top of the humble list

All right, Harry. We've got to talk.

I know. That was a mess out there tonight.

Yeah, we have to get rid of Hunter.

We can't fire Hunter.

Conner, I mean he's one of the reasons that the tour's sold out.

I want him off the tour.

Well, look he's number one on Bonkohub right now.

Well, what number are we?

Numbers don't matter. Come on. You know that.

God. Can we talk about this helmet?

It's crazy heavy, and it's really hurting my back.

Owen, why are you talking right now? Why are you in this meeting?

I'm in all of our meetings.

Dude, just leave, all right? Go have a meeting with Lawrence.

You know it's not my fault that the album's not selling, okay?

Don't take it out on me.

Great.

Harry, we have to get rid of Hunter, all right?

I'm not asking. I'm telling. You represent me, not him.

Okay, look, well, actually, technically,

full disclosure, I represent both of you.

What?

Yeah.

You signed him?

Conner, come on.

Are you kidding me, Harry?

It's just business.

It's not to me. All right, look, decide right now. Him or me?

Come on. Don't go there. Look, I've got a family to feed.

What? No, you don't.

I have a niece. We all have a niece!

You know what?

You're fired.

Conner, you're just... You're upset, and you're overreacting.

Okay, now I've got to collate that.

Great. Have fun collating.

There's no fun in collating!

What's up, my confidants? Who can you really trust?

I thought I could trust my manager, but it turned out he was stabbing me in the back the whole time.

I thought I could trust Seal.

I thought I could trust the Yelp reviews of PartyWolves.com. Really makes you think, doesn't it?

Who's out there scheming behind my back, trying to take what I built.

I need to find out who I can really trust.

All right, y'all, come and get them.

Conner's fancy flapjacks right here!

Thanks, Conner.

Eat up. Eat up. Eat up.

Mmm. Mmm.

Mmm!

Sponge, you like those pancakes?

They're so good. Yeah.

Yeah. Eddie? Feeling these?

Okay. Mmm-hmm.

Dude, I'm sorry. I can't.

Conn, these are terrible, man. I'm really sorry.

Thank you, Owen, truly.

Okay. And the rest of you liked them?

Yeah. Mmm-hmm. Yup.

Well, that's very disappointing because they are not good.

I knew it.

And the reason they're not good is because I put dog shit in them.

What?

Oh! Dang, dude. That's nasty. That's hilarious.

The reason that I did that is to see who would tell me the truth.

Oh! Conn, that's mad smart.

Yeah. He's always two steps ahead.

No. No, stop doing that, you guys.

This is what I'm talking about.

You can't just agree with everything I say.

No doubt. No doubt. No doubt. It's not helpful.

Got to be honest.

No, you're doing it again, all right? Just stop.

You fed us dog shit? What is wrong with you?

Owen, chill out, man.

You're the only one who passed the test. You're good.

How the fuck can you think I was one of your lackeys, dude?

I'm your oldest friend.

Hey, we're friends! We're all friends.

I should've told you to fuck off years ago, but instead I just let you become a bigger and bigger dick.

Look, I'm sorry, but I've kept you on the tour.

I keep you paid. I put food on the table.

With dog shit in it!

It's the thought that counts, man.

Oh, my God. That's it. I quit.

You can't quit.

What do I even do anymore, Conner?

I push play on an iPod in a robot costume.

All right, fine, then. Go.

Fine.

Fine.

Fine.

Maximus!

I'm home, buddy.

Sometimes, he kicks it in here. Max!

You hear that?

Max?

What are you doing? What's wrong with you?

Why are you all white? Why is he making that sound?

Oh, fuck! There's something wrong with Maximus!

His scales are all ashy. Come on!

No! Get out of the way! Move! Come on!

Please! Please move! My turtle is sick.

I've got to get him to the hospital. He's gonna die.

Maximus!

As I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I take a look at my life and realize there's nothing left.

Maximus was my best friend, who struggled daily with soggy bones syndrome, but never complained once.

Conner4Real fighting with Martin Sheen, gets knocked the "F" out.

The guy from The West Wing?

Things going from bad to worse for Conner4Real, seen unconscious, rolling around town on a hoverboard.

Now go and join your family in turtle heaven.

Fuck, yeah!

It's time, man. You've got to know when to go home.

Bro, you've got to know when to let go.

The key is don't play yourself. That's it. Very simple.

Don't play yourself. Congratulations, you played yourself.

You guys win.

I get the message. I'll go away.

This is Conner4Real signing off.

So, I am back in Sac, housesitting for my mom 'cause she's on tour with Fall Out Boy.

Are you guys filming me?

It's been awesome, you know.

Dude, which one of y'all pissed on me?

Feels really good to reconnect with my hometown.

I've just been really living a very simple life, kind of back to basics.

I've been watching a lot of dressage, which is a very elevated, uh, competitive form of horse dancing, and I've been doing a lot of painting and a lot of sketching.

I'm doing a series on show ponies.

I actually have a lot of trouble with the hooves.

It's hard to get like a hoof texture.

This one is, like, pretty accurate, actually.

I'll show you guys the horse that I based it on.

Anyway, it's not my best one.

Um, like, in retrospect, I probably wouldn't have used that shade of green.

I've even been selling some of them online, which has been a cool new experience.

Ooh! Sold.

Eleven-fifty.

You know, it's not Conner4Real numbers, you know, but, in a way, it means more.

That's pretty much it, you know. That's my life now.

Hello?

Hey!

What's up, dude? You guys, Paula's here.

What's going on?

Just wanted to check up on you.

You want a drink?

Uh, no. It's 11:00. It's 11:00 in the morning.

It's 11:30 somewhere.

Can we please turn this off?

Look at those little nerds.

We were very cool for our school district.

My birthday is awesome.

Yeah, man, we used to have fun. Best birthday ever.

What the fuck happened?

Okay.

Oh, shit. Next.

I think this is the day that my mom gave me Maximus. Oh!

This one is from Owen and Lawrence.

A turtle!

- A turtle! Oh, my goodness!

Look, Mom, they got me a turtle!

- What do you say, sweetie? Thank you.

You're welcome. You're welcome.

Honey, what are you gonna name it?

I'm gonna name it Maximus.

Get up. We're going out.

What? Oh, no, I'm not going out.

I cannot deal with the public right now.

Conner, it's not a question.

All right, fine, but if we're going out, I've got to put on my makeup.

Please don't put that on.

This is cool. It feels good to be out. You were right.

Good. Yeah, I'm glad I did this, though, you know.

Makes me feel more comfortable, more at ease. I feel at ease.

Yeah, you look really comfortable. Yeah.

You look like Matthew Modine had a peanut allergy.

All right.

You look like Nazi propaganda.

Okay, that's foul.

Wait a minute.

Whoo!

That piano part is incredible.

Earth, wind, and birds They fill my heart up With darkness alone

Was my last album bad?

I feel like I probably could've handled myself a little better over the past few months.

It feels so nice to be able to say all this shit

'cause the music is so loud no one can hear me.

That Equal Rights song was offensive!

I feel free!

Whoo!

Thanks for coming out, you guys. Means a lot.

Great show, Kid Contact.

Conner? Oh! Man! How'd you recognize me?

What's up, man? What are you doing here?

Had to put on the disguise, right? Yeah. No, I see that.

Come check out my homie do his thing, man.

Great show. Thanks, man.

Yeah. Yeah.

Oh, Paula brought you?

She did, and I'm really glad she did.

It was such a great show. You sounded incredible, dude.

Thanks, man. Yeah. Yeah.

I mean, my singing's terrible, but, you know.

What? No. No.

I mean, all right, look, maybe time for some vocal lessons, you know. No shame in that.

Yeah, or you know who would sound better on it?

Clay Aiken.

No, you.

No. No, man.

This is your thing, and I'm hella proud of you, man.

And, fuck, man, I just...

I wanna just say I'm sorry.

Conner, just... I... Like, I love that you're doing this right now, but it's really hard to take you seriously because you just look like Jason Segel right now.

Oh, Paula said that.

We have great minds. Yeah. Yeah.

That's funny. It must... Like, how does it look?

Oh, yeah, it's like the spitting image of that guy.

Is that good?

It looks identical to that dude.

"Sarah Marshall."

"I need to forget about her."

Yeah, he needs to forget her. Yeah. Yeah.

I love that movie. So good.

Thanks, man. It means a lot that you came out.

I'm glad I came, too. For real.

That's good, man.

Nice.

What the fuck?

One of you guys put this here?

Hey, Lawrence.

Conner. Owen.

Lawrence.

Conner.

I just...

That's for you, man, to borrow, you know.

I figured you could take a bunch of pics of you holding it and stuff.

You could post them or whatever.

All right, so now we're cool.

Lawrence! What the fuck, man?

Now I've got to go find that.

What do you want me to say?

That you helped with the "catchphrase" verse?

Is that what this is still about?

Fine, you helped with the "catchphrase" verse, all right?

You happy?

All right, and you wrote most of it, but using my catchphrases that you also co-wrote.

All right, wrote, but we were both in the room, and I dictated all the best stuff.

All right, none of the best stuff, dude, but I had tons of great ideas that I still don't even know why you didn't use them.

Because they sucked!

Okay, fine. That's my bad.

But I was there the whole time, man.

I was a little late. I was a little late that day.

There was traffic, and I was a little tardy on that particular day.

There was no traffic. I lied about that.

I lied about it because I overslept on accident.

It was on purpose.

It was a power move. I was trying to send a message, and that was a dick move on my part, all right?

However, once I got there, late, I put in time, okay?

I left a little early. I remember that.

I was never there. Now, I remember.

I remember now what happened!

I bailed and you wrote the whole verse.

You wrote it, and I never gave you credit 'cause guess why?

No one cares who writes shit.

They just care who performs it.

In fact, I think the only person in the whole universe who cares about the credit for who wrote it is you!

Fuck.

I'm sorry.

Boom!

Parent Trap.

What'd you say you grew here again?

You'll see. Oh, shit.

Lawrence, how much weed do you have?

Hey, everyone, I'm gonna take the rest of the day off to hang out with my friends.

Keep up the good work, and let's have a great harvest.

Okay.

You guys still smoke? Yeah.

Cheers, dude. Cheers.

It's really up there, man. Good shot there, Lawrence.

All right, one, two, three.

Oh!

Got it? Get it.

Ah! Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah.

No way this works.

Get it. No.

No. Yeah.

You smoked a Poppy, dude.

What was that beat that we were messing with once that was like...

Yeah. What was that?

We should mess with that.

That was it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. How did the lyrics go? What were the words?

You are my number one pick We did it. Yeah.

Every time I call you You say that you're sick She was always sick.

Lawrence hooked up with her.

That's right. You hooked up with her.

Don't do me like that. Come on, y'all.

Glenda, are you dying Or just avoiding me That was it.

Either way's a bummer But I hope you're dying That's what up. He wrote that.

We had fun in there, man. I forgot how fun it is.

Kind of makes me think that I fucking hate farming.

I look at Conner, and I see that seven-year-old scrub that I grew up with, and it's like, how could you be mad at a seven-year-old?

It's crazy I spent so much time thinking about killing him.

You guys see that?

You missed me.

Oh, fuck.

Conner's full of surprises these days, man.

I mean, on our way from the airport, I actually noticed something crazy.

I looked down and in his bag, he had this book called How to Be a Better Friend.

It was all dog-eared and scribbled on.

It feels like he's really trying, and, plus, it shows he knows how to read, which is really heartening.

I can't believe you remembered that, man.

Paula's calling you.

There was a whole second verse to that.

Yeah, what was it, dude? Do you remember that?

I'm gonna grab it. I'm gonna grab it. Okay.

Yo.

Where the hell have you been?

I'm hanging with the guys. It's actually been super fun, man.

Conner, you just got offered the Poppy Awards.

Wait, what?

The Poppy Awards. Taylor Swift was arrested for murder.

They want you to close the show. It is a huge slot.

Six minutes to do whatever you want, but they need an answer now.

Oh, shit. Um...

This is what we've been waiting for, Conner.

She never wore socks But that was the third verse, though.

I'm talking about the second verse.

Like what was the second verse?

Her daddy hates me 'Cause my car is slick Yes! Okay.

Let's record it. Hell, yeah.

Let me get on the boards.

What did Paula want, man?

Oh, nothing, they wanted me to do the Pop Awards, but I passed on it.

Yo, what?

Dude, I don't wanna do that shit. I'm hanging with you guys.

Who fucking cares, dude? That's the Poppies.

All right, but I thought this was, like, the whole reason you guys were mad at me, for going and doing all this solo shit.

Dude, you don't have to choose between us and your solo shit.

It's like with Wu-Tang Clan. It's like you're Method Man, and he made a solo record, but he's still in the Wu-Tang Clan.

He never stopped being in the Wu-Tang Clan.

Right. Or like the GZA.

He was in the Wu-Tang Clan, and then he made a solo record, but he never stopped being in the Wu-Tang Clan.

Yeah, or you're the RZA, and you can do your solo shit, but you're still in the Wu-Tang Clan.

So basically, we're the Wu-Tang Clan.

Exactly, but better.

Yeah.

Well...

As soon as I said it, I was kind of like, um, maybe not.

It's like we're three Tom Pettys, and we're the Heartbreakers, you know.

You're a Tom Petty, you're a Tom Petty, and I'm Tom Petty, but together we're the Heartbreakers... We're Tom Petty.

Oh, right, no. Yeah. We're the Heartbreakers.

Yeah, I lost it, too. Yeah.

We know you've got to fly. You're like a beautiful bird.

You've got to be out there. You've got to see it all.

But we can be right there with you as your little bird legs.

So you think I should do the Pop Awards?

Fuck, yes. Yeah.

All right, well, I'm not going alone.

Who are you gonna do it with? With you guys!

Do you wanna come with me?

Oh, sure, I was wondering who you were...

Yeah, yeah. That's tight. Hell, yeah!

We're so high. Sorry.

And the stars are arriving for this year's Pop Music Awards, the Poppies.

Good. Let's go. You guys are all set.

They know you're doing one Style Boyz song, and then we're gonna go into Conner's new single.

Great. Oh, shit! Conner, what up, though, dawg?

Oh, yeah, what up, Hunter?

Yo, yo, yo. Say hey to my doc real quick, baby.

Hi. Yeah.

You got a doc. I got a doc. You know what I'm saying?

But now, like, I'm rolling with all these dudes and with Aquaspin.

Like, I kind of Single-White-Femaled your ass.

Yeah, man, that's crazy.

Anyway, though, good to see you, man.

You looking spiffy, you know?

Yo, yo, it's Hunter, dawg, about to get crazy on the stage...

No, sorry, not your camera. We're with Conner.

Oh, shit. My bad.

Yo, this is Hunter about to head into the Poppies. You know what I'm saying?

No, sorry, we're with Snoop.

Surprise, mothafucka.

You're watching my brand new show, Surprise Mothafucka with Snoop Dogg, and, mothafucka, you been surprised.

Excuse me. Can somebody move?

Mariah Carey, your hair smells and looks great.

Did you know Aquaspin has hair dryers and flat irons?

No, I didn't.

Aquaspin appliances are completely affordable for college students.

Honey, you're not doing ads now. Really?

Read the damn prompter, yo. You messing with my money right now.

What the did you just say to me? What?

- Yo all y'all, all right? And everybody else, and Mariah Carey for leaving me up here.

Yeah, I said her. No...

Oh, you still here? I thought you had left. Okay, sweetie...

Style Boyz. It's time.

Yo, what the fuck was that, everybody?

Why you got me up there saying that bullshit, man?

I told you not to say it. You're the one that wanted to cash the check.

Dude, you set me up, dude!

You ain't nothing but like a fake sellout money hungry pop bullshit-ass manager.

You ain't nothing but a Tony! Toni! Total reject, bitch!

What the fuck you say to me?

Say that shit again, young blood.

I will eat your head! I will eat your fucking head!

You better learn some respect.

Yo, all right. Man, I'm sorry, yo. Chill.

Old-ass motherfucker.

Why you hit me like that, dawg?

Get yourself a new manager.

Yo, are you serious?

Damn, man.

Oh, my God.

That was great, Harry.

It was insane, wasn't it?

Yeah. Yeah.

I was like, "Get some respect," you know?

Wow!

Hey, look, Harry, I just wanna say I'm sorry.

No, don't. Don't worry about it.

Just get out there and have a good time. Good luck, guys.

Thanks, Harry. Thanks, Harry.

Yeah.

Okay, this is it. You nervous?

Just a little bit.

Don't be. We got this.

Ladies and gentlemen... All right, see you out there.

See you out there.

Please take your seats.

Oh, God, Conner, there you are.

Look, the show's going way over, so you only have three minutes now.

What? Yeah, you can only do one song, so I need to know are you gonna do Conner4Real or Style Boyz?

Uh...

Yeah. No, I asked him.

He's just kind of, like, looking off into space and, like, really making a meal out of this.

And now I'm just standing here waiting.

He's looking off to, like, contemplate whether he should, I think, pick the Style Boyz, 'cause he's, like, looking in their direction, so we might be leaning toward that kind of...

No, he's looking back.

So I'm lost. I'm not sure which one he's gonna go for.

All right, I know what I'm gonna do.

Our final performer tonight is a living legend and still a superstar.

Ladies and gentlemen, the one and only Conner4Real.

Finest girl I ever met In my whole life Wanna take her home Make her my wife Knew she was a freak When she started talking She said I'm a Style Boy for life Should we tell them? Yeah.

T ell them, man.

We made a new song at the farm.

Yeah, we found Lawrence's journals, and they were just amazing.

Amazing. Just full of incredible thoughts.

Just like ideas and poems and stuff. Nothing special.

Yo, and then Conner had the idea to take a piano line from my solo shit.

Conner put it all together.

And the Poppies paired us with the craziest special guest to perform with.

Incredible thoughts Incredible minds I'm so overwhelmed How did my brain conceive them Yeah A snow white dove in the pitch-black night A raindrop falls from tremendous heights A wave crashes off of a cliff in Scotland A child bites an apple but the core is rotten TV is free But what is the cost We have GPS And yet we're still lost A carrot in the desert A camel in the garden A man with giant ears Begging your pardon What if a garbage man was actually smart A common misconception That we're tearing apart And to a dog Dog food is just food And to a sock A mansion's just a big shoe A Milk Dud sitting in the acid rain A house cat addicted to the cocaine No teeth, unlimited floss These are just a few of Our incredible thoughts Incredible thoughts Oh, man, watching the Style Boyz together onstage again was like...

I lived to see that. After that, you know, take me away, I'm done.

Kid Contact, Kid Brain, and Kid Conner all back together, the motherfucking Style Boyz.

This is just some revolutionary shit, man.

My heart is pounding right now.

A ballerina waits for the bus A "number one dad" trophy covered in rust A nun dunked a basketball Living the impossible A man breaks his leg Inside a hospital We just thought of that And it could change the world We're like a smart oyster full of pearls Such as an ultrasound of a new baby With a Santa hat drawn on, yeah That's my kind of Christmas card What if a butterfly Was made out of butter These small thoughts Could destroy Big Brother The world's cutest kitten Just hugging a dog Just one of many of Our incredible thoughts What if one thought could cure the people What if one song could end all evil Imagine if a fish could play guitar And also sing It would sound bizarre, like My name is Mr. Fish Yeah These guys' thoughts have granted my wish Oh, yeah All I wanna know, who was in that fish costume? That was amazing.

The fish was me, Tyrus.

Shh.

And that may have just Changed the course of time I swear, my mind Blows my mind Incredible

Let me see that Donkey Roll

Donkey Roll Let me see that Donkey Roll Incredible thoughts Donkey Roll Incredible thoughts Let me see that Donkey Roll Incredible thoughts Incredible minds Too many great ideas inside It's a miracle my head can contain them My spectacular brain Harry!

Changing how we think about space and time Now it's time to share that with the people My brain is a genius When it was happening, I was just like, "Yo, I cannot believe I'm here to witness this, man."

How did my brain conceive them

Yes! Yes! Fuck!

Whoo! Yes.

I just performed the Donkey Roll with the Style Boyz.

I was a Style Boy.

When I walked out onstage, all I could think of was, "I'm so happy.

"And I really hope that Tony! Toni! Tone! Is watching, "and that they feel like shit."

A wise man once said, everyone's career is on a wave.

Sometimes, you're up.

Sometimes, you're down.

But the trick is not to lose yourself along the way.

And when you're up, don't be an asshole about it.

It's like my mom always says... Yo, what the fuck?

That stage manager lady just macked on Lawrence super hard.

Yo, do they even know each other? Oh, my God!

And why is "Deboarrah" here?

Anyways, be cool to your friends, right? That's what I was saying.

Yo, they are gonna fuck. Damn, that is hilarious.

But the point is, be a good person.

The rest will fall into place.

And that's Conner4Real.

Isn't that right, Maximus 2?

It sure is, Conner.

What?

He wasn't really talking. That was me doing the voice.


The Style Boyz are getting back together again.

Yeah, they broke up. Then they buried the hatchet, and now I guess they're working together again.

They're like friends from childhood.

Yeah. For life.

And they had, like, tough times and now they feel good about being back together.

"We're gonna put aside our differences."

They actually do something.

Sometimes, I think about doing that. Yeah.

I haven't talked to my mom in three years.

I moved out here. I thought I could get like a commercial agent.

I just wanted to be a longboard model.

I never graduated high school.

I never graduated middle school.

It'd be a lot of fun if the four of us hung out outside of the office.

Hey guys, can I ask you something really...

That I've never really asked you before?

Yeah.

Do you guys have a photograph of James Franco leaving a Denny's?

Oh yeah, totally! It's right here! Fuck, yeah!

Let's see it. Put it up.

Bring it up. We got it.

Ooh, yeah, ooh, yeah Words and truth One fine evening on the sandy coast The feeling was irey 'round the drum circle When the wisest rasta I ever saw Gently joined us and sang of Jah Roots and culture seeped from his bones He took out a spliff and said, "Pass this around"

So I took a righteous drag It was the best sensi that I ever had And then I felt the chills run up my back

"My good man, tell me, what was that?"

He said, "My friend, you just smoked crack"

"You just smoked crack"

Oh, crack

I just smoked crack Oh, my God And it felt fucking great This feels amazing Thought it was marijuana Oh, yeah But now it's too fucking late I can't go back I love crack Holy shit Now I am invincible Fuck, yeah If anyone tries to take my crack I'll kill them on principle Some call crack bazooka Others call it base But no matter what name you call it It's the best invention ever by the human race The government spread lies about it They say that it is no fun But on that plastic shell I sucky Sucky, sucky, sucky till the crack is gone Now we should legalize it Legalize it Set the people free And legalize We should legalize crack So that I can smoke it all