Pottersville (2017) Script

♪ Now, the snow is falling ♪

♪ It's Christmas time again ♪

♪ For the end of December When the weather's getting chilly ♪

♪ The little boys and girls Party willy, willy nilly ♪

♪ But most of all When snow days fall ♪

♪ They know it's Christmas ♪

♪ Christmas time ♪

♪ When mother's in the kitchen Stuffing turkey ♪

♪ And little baby sister's Acting like kinda perky ♪

♪ But most of all When snow days fall ♪

♪ They know it's Christmas ♪

♪ Christmas time ♪

♪ Snowflakes are falling ♪

♪ Falling all around ♪

♪ May they keep on falling ♪

♪ 'Til they cover the ground ♪

♪ You start to get in the spirit My baby get jiggy ♪

♪ As we trim The Christmas tree ♪

♪ But most of all When snowflakes fall ♪

♪ They know it's Christmas ♪

♪ Christmas time ♪

♪ Snowflakes are falling ♪

♪ Falling all around ♪

♪ May they keep on falling ♪

♪ I know it's Christmas ♪

♪ Christmas Christmas ♪

♪ Christmas Time ♪


No, Samuel, not today. Please?

That's $47.50.

Maynard, I know our tab is pretty high, but is there any way that we could...?

Oh, yeah, of course.

I'm sorry, it's just... as soon as Bill finds a job...

It's not a problem. I'll just write it down.

You sure? Yeah.

It's just with the darn mill closing and it being the holidays and all.

I understand. It's tough on everybody.

Thank you so much.

Don't worry about it.

Hey, Sam.

Here you go, buddy.

Thanks, Maynard. You bet ya.

Thank you.

You're a good man, May.

What are you gonna do? The kid wanted a candy bar.

You know what I'm talking about.

Any coffee back there?

Two coffees coming up.

Old cedar and fresh flowers.

Never get tired of the smell in here.

Afternoon, Bart. What you got?

I got elk steaks.

I got squab.

I got... wild boar.

Is there anything you can't catch? Yeah, a break.

You interested?

You know, Connie loves these elk steaks.

She'd kill me if I didn't bring something home.

I was kind of counting on that.

Hi, Parker.

Hello, Bart.

Here you go.

You still making that stuff? Moonshine will drive you crazy.

The way I look at it, we live on this tiny little rock that's flying through the blackness of space at about, what, 60,000 miles an hour?

And there's only one damn way to get off it.

If that thought don't make you crazy, I don't know what the hell will.

I guess you're right. Never thought of it that way.

That's because you spend most of your time stuck standing behind this counter.

You need to get out, Maynard, and breathe some life.

I suppose I do. I suppose I do.

It all goes by in a flash, pal.

I mean, trust me, one day you'll wake up and go, "Where the hell did it all go?"

For the next time you wanna get a little crazy.

All right. Thanks.

So, just the elk steaks? That'll do it.

Tell that pretty little wife of yours she has excellent taste.

Will do.

Old cedar and fresh flowers, I love it.

Love it!

Hey, Park, you mind doing me a favor?

Of course. What's up?

You mind closing up tonight, running to the bank?

What happened, your house on fire?

I just wanna surprise Connie, you know?

Go home, grill up these steaks.

A nice bottle of wine.

Some flowers.

Breathe a little life.

Sweet, Maynard.

Yeah, I'll close up.

All right.

Great.

Great.

♪ Dashing through the snow In a one horse open sleigh ♪

♪ O'er the fields we go Laughing all the way ♪

♪ Bells on bob tails ring Making spirits bright ♪

Hey, honey.

Now don't have a heart attack, but I decided to cut out a little early.

Wanted to spend a nice, romantic evening with you.

I hope you're hungry, 'cause I got a little something special planned for us.

Connie, you here?

No way.

Did she get a puppy?

Maynard?

Connie? What's going on?

What are you doing here?

In my home?

No, I mean now.

I wanted to surprise you.

You know, I'm just gonna take off.

Jack?

Is that...? What's going on? I can explain this.

You can explain why you're dressed up like a rabbit and having sex with a squirrel?

I'm a wolf. We don't have sex.

That's right. According to the club, you can't even have sex.

Club? What club is this? Well, it's the kind of club where...

You-dress-up-like-a-squirrel- and-have-sex-my-wife club?

I'm a wolf.

How many people are in the club?

Well, in the tri-county area we got... what is it, 32?

Look, I've been meaning to talk to you for a while.

A while? How long has this been going on?

That's not important, Maynard. What is important is that I'm bored.

Get a hobby! Learn to knit, do macramé.

Are you kidding me? We don't do anything!

We don't go anywhere! I need some excitement in my life!

So instead of talking to me about it, somewhere in your brain, the thing that makes sense, is to go out and have sex with a squirrel?

I'm a wolf!

Get it? It doesn't make any sense as a squirrel!

It's gotta be a wolf!

Jack, we have been friends forever.

I know.

That's why I'm gonna need to ask a favor of you.

Sure thing, whatever you need, buddy.

You know, I'm kind of a big deal in this town and don't think it'd be good if people knew I was a furry.

What's a furry?

Furry. It's this club we belong to.

Well, don't 32 other people already know?

Seriously, Maynard, okay? I'm gonna need your word on this.

I think we need to take some time apart and think about what we really want.

Maynard! Maynard! You're gonna have to keep a tight lip on this.

I'm kind of a big deal around here.

Well, I am. I know.

♪ We wish you a merry Christmas We wish you a merry Christmas ♪

♪ And a happy new year ♪

♪ We wish you a merry Christmas And a happy new year ♪ Merry Christmas everybody!

You're still here.

I was just about to call it a night.

That's why you're the best.

Are you drunk?

First time since my wedding night, and we all know how that turned out.

I don't understand. What happened?

Well...

I went out to breathe some life... and then life decided to take a poop on my face.

So, I ended up breathing poop instead.

Rabbit and squirrel poop, to be precise.

What? Maynard, you're not making any sense.

You're right! Because he wasn't a squirrel.

He was a wolf! He's a wolf.

Doesn't work if he's a squirrel. It only works if he's a wolf.

Sorry for the confusion. It was a wolf.

Let's make you some coffee.

No, I want my moonshine. Okay.

Bart gave me this.

This stuff is making me crazy.

No argument here. It's okay, Parker.

'Cause you gotta get crazy sometime, because of the speeding little rock.

You want some? No, I think I'm good.

Let's get you home.

I don't have a home.

Of course you do and Connie's gonna be worried sick.

There's no Connie.

She's been replaced by the Easter Bunny's evil twin

She left me.

What?

Yeah.

Oh, Maynard.

I'm so sorry.

Is there anything that...?

Is there anything that I can...?

No.

I just wanna sit here.

Let me take you back to my place.

It's fine.

It's fine.

I just wanna be here alone... think about wolves, and rocks, and stuff.

You sure you don't want me to stay with you?

Let me ask you a question.

This is very important.

Okay.

Do you belong to a furry sex club?

I think you'll be fine by yourself.

It's important to me. Yeah.

I don't want you to wind up like a furry animal sex freak.

I'm gonna come back first thing in the morning, okay?

And you do me a favor and get some rest.

Okay?

You were right, my friend.

Here's to going crazy.


All right...

I'll play freaky forest animals with ya.


You know what a gorilla would do to a bunny, or a squirrel, or whatever?

Eat them alive!


Maynard?

Oh! Maynard, you should get up!

Okay? I'll just... I'll shut the door.

Bunny.

Squirrels.

Gorilla.

What are all these people doing here?

And now, for a story on a...

You gotta see this.

We go out live to Stacy Gutierrez for a special report.

- Stacy. Thanks, John.

Hi, this is Stacy Gutierrez, live in front of the once thriving, but now abandoned, Pottersville Mill.

I'm here with the local townsfolk who claim to have witnessed what they're calling, well, a Bigfoot sighting.

So, tell me, what did you see?

Well, we were all out in the woods smoking a...

You know, hanging out.

When all of a sudden this big, huge, hairy thing comes running by, screaming.

We were like, "Hey, how stoned are you?"

And then we realized we all saw it, and we were like... "cool."

I was upstairs dozing off when I heard her scream.

I heard this ruckus in the backyard and looked out the window and I saw this... thing, chasing a bunny.

I come running down the stairs, turned on the back porch lights and there it was.

We saw it. Squatch.

You've lived here your entire life, correct?

Yes, ma'am, I have.

Have you ever seen anything like this before?

No, ma'am. Like the kid said, it was a big, hairy thing.

Sort of half man, half gorilla.

You know, like them cavemen you see in the picture books... that ain't quite evolved yet.

And all that chasing the bunny must have made him pretty thirsty, 'cause he was out there in our little boy peeing fountain drinking.

I mean, literally, the little boy was peeing right in his mouth.

Then what happened?

Then he just disappeared into the darkness.

- There you have it, John. Can you believe that?

- A pretty incredible story. Yeah, that's something.

Bigfoot, right here, in our own backyard.

I might have to come up there to try and catch a glimpse of him myself.

That sucks.

You should!

I'll be right back.

Is everything...?


Sir, I'm sorry. Can you pick up, please?

Is he here?

We have a bit of an emergency going on right now, Maynard.

Trust me, he's gonna want to hear about this.

All right. Go ahead.

Ma'am, can you repeat that, please?

Sure. Absolutely.

Yeah, well, we could either do it here in my office, or go out to Phoebe's Knob.

Four o'clock. Thank you.

I was gonna talk to you, man, I promise, but things are nuts around here this morning.

Yeah.

Maynard, I'm not having an affair with Connie.

It's just about the club.

I mean, hell, that could've been anybody from the club up in your bedroom.

Thanks. I feel a lot better now.

There's nothing romantic. I'd never do that.

It's just about the costumes.

Speaking of costumes...

Sheriff, sorry to interrupt, but there's a producer from some television show on the phone for you.

Thanks, Tammy. Look, I've gotta take this. But...

We're okay, right?

Hey, I'm never gonna rub the bunny again. I promise.

I gotta show you something. I gotta take this.

Everybody's apeshit over this Bigfoot business.

Later, okay? We'll talk later, all right?

Hello. Yeah, this is Sheriff Clark.

Okay. Yeah.

Hi, how are you?

Good to hear your voice as well.

Well, let's see. Maybe we can make something work...

Just the man we were looking for.

We were wondering if you could do us a favor.

Now, we've been researching this whole Bigfoot thing, and people really love him.

It's true.

He's been around for centuries, and people on every continent and that speak every language, they just can't get enough of this guy.

Yeah, so we've decided to get into the Bigfoot business.

We're gonna start this whole cottage industry...

Bigfoot t-shirts, hats, bumper stickers, baby onesies, you name it.

Everything. We were just wondering if we could sell some stuff in your store?

So, what do you think?

Sure, fellas. Whatever you need.

Awesome.

Thanks.

Hey. Hey.

I was wanting to talk to you about last night. I've been thinking...

I know we need to talk, Maynard, I just can't right now.

I've got something to do.

What's more important than... Bigfoot.

Seriously? You believe in all that?

Are you kidding me?

I love it.

It's the most exciting thing to happen to this town for decades.

It's is the most exciting thing to happen to this town for decades.

Stuck standing behind this counter.

You need to get out, Maynard!

Just the man we were looking for.

This whole Bigfoot thing, and people really love him.

Everybody's apeshit over this Bigfoot business.

Wow. Bigfoot, right here, in our own backyard.

♪ We're going on a sleigh ride All together, let's go get in ♪

♪ Just hear those sleigh bells jingling, Ring ting tingling too ♪

♪ Come on its lovely weather For a sleigh ride together with you ♪ How tall would you say that he was?

I saw him from the front and he was big.

♪... And friends are calling "Yoo hoo" ♪

♪ Come on its lovely weather For a sleigh ride together with you ♪

Giddy up, giddy up Giddy up, let's go Just more of grunts or growls?

It's like Sasquatch language.

♪ We're riding in A wonderland of snow ♪ Thank you, ladies. Enjoy your stay in Pottersville.

♪ Giddy up it's grand Just holding your hand ♪

♪ As we glide along, sing a song Of a wintry fairy land ♪

♪ Our cheeks are nice and rosy And comfy cozy are we ♪

♪ Let's take that road before us And sing a chorus or two ♪

♪ Come on its lovely weather For a sleigh ride together with you ♪

Merry Christmas, Bigfoot!

If this keeps up, we're gonna need to hire some help.

It's kind of nice, isn't it? All these new people visiting the town?

Oh my God! Guys! Come quick!

What's going on? Come on! You're not gonna believe it!

Brock!

Monsters are here!

Land it here!

Who's that?

You've never seen his show? Oh, it's awesome.

Each week he goes after some monster...

Loch Ness, Chupacabra, the Abominable Snowman.

This dude's amazing!

There's a rumor floating around that there may be a Sasquatch in these parts.

Exactly. Follow me on Twitter.

For starters, let's see a show of hands...

How many of you have actually seen the Squatch?

Wow. What about you, love? What exactly did you see?

I was about to get in my car and whoosh... he ran right in front of me.

He must have been ten feet tall.

He was as big as a tree. Three meters.

I saw him out at Grasshopper Hill, and if Millie says he was ten feet tall, I gotta say he was even bigger. I think he was as big as a house.

Did Connie enjoy her elk?

Well, she's been enjoying all kinds of animals lately.

From everything I've heard, it sounds to me like we should start our search at the Grasshopper Hill.

If any of you would like to join us, despite the peril, we could use your help.

I could form a search party.

Much obliged, sheriff. Cheers.

Cheers back to you.

I'm a huge fan of you.

I'm gonna get you an autograph. Remind me to get him an autograph.

Don't forget. Oh my God.

Well, well, this is quite a turn out.

Sheriff, if you don't mind.

All right folks, I want you to spread out and form a single-file line.

A single-file line, people.

Now, these are not toys.

Not a toy. All right?

These are only to be used if you find something or run into some evidence.

And if you do, make sure you don't touch anything.

Do not touch anything.

Is there an echo out here? Sorry.

Showtime.

One for you and for you, nice lady.


What did you find?

Well, I saw this, but I didn't know if...

Dang it, Jasper, it's just a dead deer.

Did I not tell you that these were not toys?

I know, but...

Are you stoned, Jasper?

Because I swear, I will drag you down to the station, and I will drug test your butt. He will drug test your butt.

Wait, wait, look here.

That is very interesting, isn't it?

Very interesting indeed.

Do you see how the leg is snapped back there?

Only a Squatch would do that. Or a hole.

What's that, then?

Probably stepped in a hole, broke its leg and died from exposure.

For your information, this type of injury is mostly seen amongst the deer of the Mt. Tamborine region of Queensland, caused by the Australian Yowie.

I have heard of rare instances where it's been done by its North American cousin...

The Bigfoot.

But I've never seen it before with my own eyes... until right now.

So, thanks for the input, mate, but... I think I'm the expert here.

Now, now.

This was definitely a Squatch.

Spike, we'll go one more as a promo, yeah?

Great idea. Keep me in like a cowboy, yeah?

You got me?

Three, two...

There's definitely a Squatch in these woods.

One more. I'm gonna do the spectacles because it's kind of neat.

Change up.

Three, two...

There's definitely a Squatch in these woods.

I didn't love that one. I'm gonna go one more time. And...

Really be with me on when "There's a Squatch in the woods," yeah?

All right.

Action.

There's definitely a Squatch in these woods.

That one. Great. Yeah.

Now where do we get a Foster's?

Foster's. It's Australian for beer.

Oh, beer.

So, what do you do now, Mr. Masterson?

Now we must track the beast.

We must venture out at night. Alone. That's very important.

The Squatch is a primarily nocturnal creature.

It will be incredibly dangerous, but we must strive to get some film or photographic evidence of it.

So, are we actually gonna be on TV?

Unless anybody's got a problem with this town being... famous.

I'm not sure how many of you saw my adventure into to the Himalaya to search of the Yeti?

You were so brave.

Do you ever dress up like the animals you're in search of?

You know, like camouflage?

Can't say that I have, but I like your thinking.

Somebody get me a net, I think I found a mermaid.

She's not. She's got legs.

I wrote a little song about my quest for the Yeti, and I don't suppose you'd like me to play for you right now, would you?

No, I couldn't.

This is dedicated to Nelson Mandela.

Sorry.

Always chokes me up. Thank you.

Hey, I need to... Not now, Maynard.

Brock is about to sing.

♪ I took a trek on the outer ridge ♪

♪ Saw many amazing things ♪

♪ I crossed land and water and bridge ♪

♪ Like a bird without its wings ♪

♪ And then days and days of searching ♪

♪ All hope was lost in sight ♪

♪ My body tired and lurching ♪

♪ I gathered up my might ♪

♪ And there it was in the distance ♪

♪ Wandering amongst the trees ♪

♪ It left me in a magical trance ♪

♪ My one and only Yeti ♪

♪ Oh my Yeti ♪

♪ You strange and wonderful beast ♪

♪ Oh Yeti Oh Yeti ♪

♪ Oh my Yeti ♪

♪ We shared one moment ♪

♪ At least ♪ There's a lot more verses, but I'm not gonna bore you with that.

I couldn't possibly.

I did write a poem about the Chupacabra.

Now, you all know who I am.

What I do for a living.

If you really wanna put this town on the map... be world famous, flooded with tourists...

We gotta be the first to catch this Bigfoot, or Squatch, or Yeti... whatever you call it.

Well, I'll catch this bird for you, but it won't be easy.

It won't be like catching a squirrel or a cute little bunny rabbit.

And it won't be pleasant.

But you all gotta make up your minds about something.

I mean, do you wanna go back to being the same old, boring town, or be the Pottersville that the whole world knows about?

'Cause I'll find him. I'll catch him.

And it'll give you a hell of a lot more than one TV show.

Thanks Bart, we'll take that into consideration.

Think about it.

Let me know.

Sheriff.

Mr. Singing Television Man.

Ladies and gentlemen.

Connie, please don't say anything.

Okay? I just need you to sit there for a moment and listen to me.

I'm Bigfoot.

I know... I know it sounds crazy, but I am.

I mean, I'm not, obviously. Really, it's just a costume.

You know how you said you loved it?

And you said you needed some excitement in your life, and... and this is the most exciting thing to happen for years?

That's why I did it. I did it for you.

I did it for all Pottersville.

Now I just need to keep this thing going long enough until they get their show.

So many people have their heart set on it.

I can't let them down.

I just thought you should know.


Hey, Ali? Yeah?

Can you find out if there's a place in town that does eyebrow threading?

Oh, yeah. I'd like them tweaked a little bit.

Okay. Shall we? Yeah?

I will bite it off if you do that again. I'll bite the hand clean off.

Swallow it. Please don't touch him.

Thanks.

Good luck to cowboy. Yeah?

The opening? We're set.

We'll do the whole opening from the top.

And in three, two, one. I'm coming in hot.

We get our first shot. And...

Here we are out at Grasshopper Hill, amidst the flora and fauna, where there have been numerous reports of a Sasquatch.

Well, we've all...

What are you doing?

I'm sorry?

You're sorry?

You're sorry? You're... in my eye line when I'm doing the intro of my lifetime.

Maybe the greatest intro ever and I've got you in my eye line with this.

What's that? Are you a professional?

Yeah. Yeah?

I was... Why don't you use your head, mate?

What were you doing? I was...

I was...

I was checking the light. Checking the light.

He's checking the light. How was it?

How's the light?

'Cause the show now is rubbish. I'm sorry.

He's sorry. It won't happen again.

Sorry and it won't happen again.

It will not happen again, because I'll use your butt as Bigfoot bait, okay?

It won't happen again. It won't happen again.

Ready? Shall we try it again?

Without this idiot in my shot? Okay. Ready?

Best show ever. Here we go.

First positions. Everybody knows where they're supposed to be. Okay.

I'm gonna prep it and come in hot. Coming in hot. Okay.

Three, two, one.

We're out here at Grasshopper Hill.

Let's switch on the night vision.

And see if this Squatch wants to come out and dance.

There is an interesting detail... which is that the Squatch, particularly the North American Squatch, he's drawn to wood.

And the reason being because the wood has so much sap in it... it's got tons and tons of sap, and the Squatch feeds on this sap, to feed its powerful libido.

Let's see if we can draw him out.

Come out, come out, wherever you are.

Come out for sap.

Did you hear the rustle? We've got something.

I think we've got something.

Let's see... if we can get this Squatch to respond to our claps.

The Squatch is inclined to mimic us, its human cousin.

Let's see if it will mimic my claps.

We'll go again.

Come out and dance, Squatch. Come out and dance.

We've got something.

Okay. Selfie stick.

Ladies and gentlemen, I, Brock Masterson, here at Grasshopper Hill, shall now attempt to communicate with the Squatch.

Wilkins, okay, best work ever, but you're way too close.

Back it off a little, please.

That wasn't me. Okay. Very, very funny, mate.

You sound great, but it's way too close so back it off, and, like, 50 percent of that, okay?

I'm telling you that wasn't me, I swear.

Wilkins?

Wilkins?

I think there's something really out here.

What?

I don't know, but it just ran past me and he's heading in your direction.

I don't think they got their picture.

Great. I'm all packed, we'll get the hell out of here.

You can cut the Brock routine, it's only me.

Where's your stuff? I've been thinking...

I just talked to the network... No...

I'm done with this nonsense and this ridiculous third-rate cable TV show that, by the way, is just barely beating the Family Feud.

Just hear me out. No. Ain't gonna happen, okay?

Are you nuts? I'm not gonna let my ass get eaten by Bigfoot, or Sasquatch, or whatever the hell thing is out in the woods.

I will not let that happen. Did you see that thing?

Obviously, I wouldn't have done this if I thought Bigfoot was real.

Calm down.

This is what we do.

We get that local hunter guy, you know, with the fingernails...

Are you nuts? I talked to network, they love the idea.

Think about it, not only does it make a great show, but if he actually catches Bigfoot...

You mean, if I actually catch Bigfoot.

Right, if you catch Bigfoot, you will be the biggest star in the world.

You really think so? Are you kidding me?

It would be the greatest moment in television history.

So, I think what you mean is... it would get me off this stupid show, right?

I mean, if I catch Bigfoot, that's our biggest episode ever.

No way to top that.

Perfect time to retire Brock.

Blaze of glory.

Start doing movies like we talked about. That's what I'm saying.

So what do you think?

Crikey!

I know. This face is such a movie face, right?

Such good face.

Yeah?

Bart, it's me.

Who the hell is me?

It's me, Bart. It's Jack.

The sheriff.

If you've come for my still, you can piss off.

I'm not here for the still, Bart.

Look, I got a couple of people out here who wanna talk to you.

People from the TV studio.

Hi.

What do you want? We want you to help us catch Bigfoot.

How much?

We can pay you 5,000 dollars.

Five thousand to go with you, 10,000 to find him and catch him.

Fine. And we do it my way.

Meaning what? We go alone.

You and me alone in the woods?

What about the crew? We have a whole show to shoot.

I suggest you bring your camera.

Not quite that simple, mate.

We can figure it out. There's hair and makeup and such.

We're not going to catch imps and fairies. We're going out to catch...

You know what? I'm coming with.

The hell you are. Actually, wait.

I think... that, actually, is a very good idea.

Bart, I'm the sheriff, okay?

And if we're gonna catch Bigfoot, I'm gonna be there.

It's a great idea.

Alright, the three of us.

We ain't opening a beauty parlor. By the truck in ten.

Go on.

Ten minutes by the truck.

We love your house.

Couldn't be a beauty parlor under the circumstances.

I just don't understand even the reference.

Keep the change. Don't worry about it.

Gee, thanks. Enjoy your stay in Pottersville.

Let's go, boys.

I suppose the next thing you're gonna tell me is that you had lunch with Bigfoot.

Did he ask for his pants back?

Are you calling me fat?

If the shoe fits... Ladies, what in the world?

She's trying to say that she's seen Bigfoot more than I have.

But everybody knows she's just trying to get on the show.

All right, that's enough.

You two should be ashamed of yourselves.

Good Lord, what is going on around here?

Thank you.

Step right up, folks, get your brand new Bigfoot merchandise.

That's right. Get it while we still have a Bigfoot.

What did you mean, "while we still have a Bigfoot"?

Because of Bart.

What about him? You didn't hear?

They're putting him on Monster Finder.

What?

You know Bart, if anybody can catch Bigfoot, it's him.

Let's get these unpacked. Okay.

You got it.

Guns, huh?

How the hell did you think we were gonna catch him, with a big butterfly net?

Oh, yeah. We can't kill it, right?

Just tranq' guns, Brock.

Make him go beddie-byes.

Right, tranq' guns.

Tranq' guns, Eileen, I knew that. What?

I was testing you guys. Of course they are tranq' guns.

Sheriff, would you be a doll? I got a bit of a Yoga injury.

I got a Yoga injury. Thank you.

Thanks, lovely.

I wish they'd find whoever's doing it and just be done with it already.

Doing what?

Pretending to be Bigfoot.

How do you know it's someone pretending?

Because there's no such thing as a Bigfoot.

Hmm.

What's all that crap?

Just a few essentials. Some night vision.

Helmet cam, light meter.

Pheromone spectrometer which is my own design.

It reads the pheromones of beasts or monsters.

You're so great, why do you need me?

Jack, pick up that tent, would you? Tent?

Are we spending the night?

What did you think, we were going for a couple hours, be back in time for you to watch Dancing with the Stars?

This is a hunt, not a day at the spa.

How long are we planning on staying?

Until we catch him!

Okay, Mr. Singing Dancing Television Man, times-a-wasting. Get in the car.

What? You'll be fine.

You'll be fine. Oh, my God.

I'll try and bring him back in one piece.

Give me a break.

I bet a dollar to a dime that it's just some prankster out there having a big laugh at our expense.

But if it's a hoax, I don't think he's trying to be mean.

Look at how happy he's made everybody.

At first, but the whole town has changed.

Now everyone is dying to get on that stupid TV show.

I think they're just looking for something that gives them a little hope.

So, if it's not really a Bigfoot, if it's just some guy pretending, what do you think they'll do to him if they catch him?

Hell, knowing Bart, probably shoot him and hang his head on the wall.

I'll get him.

I'm just outside of Pottersville, where it is nine o'clock in the post meridian.

And, ladies and gentlemen, for the first time in Monster Finder history, this find has proven to be so treacherous that I am out here completely alone.

Aided only by the sheriff, for legal reasons, and a local guide... who is quite curmudgeonly.

What the hell is he doing?

I think he's filming his TV show.

Is that thing gonna be on the whole time?

Guys, please. I'm filming my show. That means I've gotta capture everything.

Sorry.

Can we watch?

Yes. In fact, I think you should watch, so you can get ready.

For what?

For the Bigfoot, mate. For the Bigfoot.

Now, I shall try to communicate with the beast.

You having bowel problems?

I'm communicating with the Squatch.

By yodeling?

It's a mating call. Oh. So you wanna hump Bigfoot?

It's a coyote.

That's his way of communicating with us.

It's a coyote.

Very specifically... there's a Squatch pretending to be a coyote.

It just gets wilder.

That's what the Squatch does.

See.

Definitely a coyote.

Okay, fine.

That's for sure. It's a coyote. Definitely a coyote.

Fine...

Get out a secret weapon.

Secret weapon.

You gonna write another one of them Yeti love songs?

A secret weapon against the Squatch... is our humanity.

So we shall try to lure him in with the gift of melody.

Maybe we're gonna have one of them... Bigfoot hoe-downs.

I hope you got some more moonshine.

What? You're gonna wake the whole county.

You think it's stupid, don't you? No, I don't think you're stupid.

I just think maybe sometimes when it comes to thinking, you have bad luck.

I don't understand why it's not working. It worked perfectly last time.

I hear you, brother, but I've laid bait and tripwire around the perimeter, so we'll know when he's coming.

Bait and tripwire. Is that safe?

You okay?

Do you want me to do that?

No, I'm fine.

You can take off if you want.

I'll wait till you're done.

I'll get the bank bag, I can drop it off on my way home.

Great. Thanks.


Thanks.

What?

Do you need anything else?

Nope, all good.

Thanks for doing it.

Good night, Maynard.


What the hell was that?

What am I supposed to do with this? If you see Bigfoot, shoot him.

I've set up bait and tripwire around the perimeter of the camp, and the tripwire has just been tripped.

So, let's see if we've got ourselves a Squatch.

What the...?

I think I got him. I think I got Bigfoot!

What happened?

You shot Jack.

Where's Bigfoot? There's no Bigfoot.

It was just one of your coyotes looking for a romantic evening of dinner and song.

Is he gonna be all right? He'll be all right, just taking a nap.

Nobody died on this trip.

Yet.

'Cause I'll find him, I'll catch him.

Is there anything you can't catch?

You know Bart. If anybody can catch Bigfoot, it's him.

Probably shoot him and hang his head on the wall.

Hey, it's me. You gotta get me out of here.

Why? What's the matter?

We didn't hear a peep from Bigfoot all night.

And I haven't slept and I haven't eaten, and on top of everything else, I'm taking a crap in the woods right now.

Are you serious? - Yes, I'm pooping right now...

- while I'm talking to you. Ew. That is so gross.

What am I supposed to do? It's not like there are bathrooms here.

First of all, you could not call me while you're doing it.

Besides, what are you doing about toilet paper?

I hadn't thought that far ahead.

Oh, God. You gotta get me out of this hell.

I have some Purell, but I don't think that's gonna...

Hello?

Hello?

No phones on my hunt. Great! That's just great!

What do we do now if there's an actual emergency?

Relax. You're the expert.

I will have you know, I have low blood sugar and we haven't eaten since we've been out here.

I could get light-headed.

You're hungry? Why didn't you say so?

Here.

There.

It's protein. It's okay.

Are you mad?

You better pick that up. Your breakfast is getting away.

I've lost my appetite.

Have it your way. I just wouldn't want you to die of light-headedness.

You owe me an iPhone.

- That'll be one dollar. A dollar?

Unbelievable. Five bucks in the city. I'll buy a bunch of these before we leave.

When is that gonna be, actually?

Well, if they don't find something tonight, he's outta there.

He's not gonna make it another night. No way.

And then this whole trip will have been a bust.

We got some footage.

We can't air a show without any Bigfoot evidence and him running around looking scared out of his mind.

Thank you.

Let's go.

Good evening, Jack.

You've been sleeping all day, and he's been sulking all day.

Here you go, Jack. Come on over here. All is forgiven.

He knows you didn't mean to shoot him.

Why don't you tell us all about Bigfoot?

Who knows? It may help us to catch him. Come on.

You have any of that moonshine left? If a snake had ears would you screw it?

What are you doing tonight?

Nothing.

You wanna hang out, have a couple of beers?

I don't think I'm in the mood.

Why don't you come over? We'll watch a movie and make popcorn.

I'm not up for a movie tonight. Thanks, though.

You sure? I make a mean Jiffy Pop.

I know you do, I just...

It's been a long couple of weeks, you know?

Rain check?

Any time.

Night, May.

Night, Park.

Oh, hey...

You mind?

Of course not.


Are you trying to tell me that Bigfoot is really an alien?

No. Not...

Not just an alien... an alien criminal... who has been dropped and left on this planet as punishment for his crimes.

Are you trying to say that Earth is like a prison for Bigfoot?

Exactly.

It's a prison for Bigfoot. Exactly.

It's a prison. The whole thing is a prison.

So when we catch him, Jack, you're gonna have to read him his rights.


Mr. Television Man, may I ask a couple of questions?

Of course, mate.

Bigfoot's paws...

What differentiates Bigfoot's paws from other animals?

Yeah, the...

He's asking about the...

Bigfoot's paws. Yeah.

Bigfoot scat. You ever find any of that?

That must be really interesting.

Scat? Scat.

Scat? Scat.

I'm so glad you asked me about the scat, because...

Nickel for all the times school children asked me about the scat.

I guess I would say about the scat...

The scat is my favorite part of the job.

You know, put my hands in it.

I get right in there.

Yeah.

I'm a bit drunk, but that is definitely not a coyote.

I have no idea what that was.

Maybe that's our Squatch. Wait a minute.

Only one way to find out.

What day is this?

Hey, Bart. Hey, Brock. Hey, guys?

May? May, I know your secret.

May?

May?


Get that out of my face.

Come on.

Guys...

What the devil is happening out here?

Probably a UFO dropping off Bigfoot prisoners.

Sweet Yowie, how many monsters you got in these woods?

Hey guys, there's nothing there. Let's go back.

It's obviously something.

It got our attention, you can bet your butt it got Bigfoot's.

That's why I wanna go back, because if Bigfoot's...

Jack, you're not making sense.

I've gotta film this for my show.

Bart, come on...

Oh, hell.

What the...?

Welcome to our first annual Squatch Watch Spirit Gathering.

Your what? Oh, no. Quit that, lady.

Quit that! We're here to see Bigfoot.

We love Bigfoot. You people, you have to go.

We love Bigfoot. You have to get out of here.

Do your loving somewhere else.

Jack, come over her. Help me out.

All right, folks. My friend here is right.

This is not really the time, definitely not the place for the...

Feels kind of amazing.

Jack, moonshine and tranquilizer is not a good combination.

Get the hell away from me.

He's one of us. One of us.

One of us.

I wanna be your fuzzy little joey.

One of us.

What the hell is "one of us"?

We're furries. What the hell's a furry?

A furry is a person. They're people... who just happen to like to dress up in furry clothes and rub up against each another.

And I'll tell you something else, Bart...

I'm a furry, okay, and I'm damn proud of it!

Okay. That's it! Out of here!

But, we love Bigfoot.

Lady, once I have Bigfoot stuffed and mounted, you're welcome to rub up against him all you want.

But until then, get your skinny little chicken ass out of here.

She's a bunny, Bart. She's a bunny!

What? She's a bunny.

It doesn't work as a chicken. She's a bunny!

Okay, then hop it on out of here.

Go on! I'm gonna count to ten.

One...

If you wanna come to the next meeting, just let me know.

I will.

I will and I do and I will.

Come on! Out!

Come on!

Now, as for you two.

Was that a real gun you shot back there?

Yep, and I'll use it again if either one of you tries to get into this tent tonight.

Do your thing, Mr. Television Man.

What thing?

You know, that howling, yodeling thing you do.

I thought you said it was stupid.

No, it's perfect.

You hear something?

Just shut up and do it.

Jack, you stay here.

I need you to film me.

Okay.

Okay. Keep that right on me.

Right. This is my good side.

Stay on the face. Stay on my face.

He's out there. He's definitely out there.


He's getting closer.


Sorry.

Did I get him?

Did I get him?

Did I get him?

Yeah, you got him.

You got him, all right.

Hey, Pottersville, I found Bigfoot! Follow me!

Come out, come out, wherever you are.

Bigfoot can be seen by the stars.

Monster found!

Pick up, pick up.

Come on, May, pick up the phone.

Ladies and gentlemen, what you are about to witness is not just television history... it's also scientific history.

It's also world history.

It may, in fact, be the most significant event in the history of mankind.

Because I have managed to do what no one else ever could.

Which is capture the world's most elusive beast.

Without further ado, I present...

Bigfoot.

Maynard!

Maynard!

Maynard.

Maynard. What did you do to him?

I caught him. That's my job, isn't it?

This isn't Bigfoot! Of course it is.

Is this really what you do for a living? This is Maynard Greiger.

He runs the general store.

Maynard.

Maynard. Shit.

It's okay, Park. He's gonna be all right.

I just popped him with a tranquilizer dart.

Was that you in the forest this entire time?

Maynard, are you okay?

So, this is all a big hoax?

Cameras off!

Hey... This is a big hoax, isn't it?

Do you know who I am?

This was gonna be my biggest show ever!

It was gonna make me a star!

Well, guess what?

I am gonna sue Pottersville.

How do you like that?

That's right. You'll be ruined!

I don't care if a colony of Bigfoot moves in and builds houses, and starts raising their kids and marching their kids back and forth to school across the square every day, and singing karaoke at the karaoke bar!

No one's ever gonna see it!

Because from now on, Pottersville will be known as a town of fakes and phonies...

and freaks.

G'day, morons.

Did somebody say they needed a Bigfoot?

Well, nice work, Maynard, now the whole town is gonna get sued.

There goes Christmas.

And we can all kiss a Happy New Year goodbye.

I ought to stick a "big foot" up your ass.

Hey, little bunny.

I was thinking maybe I can come over later and...

I'd love for you to come by tomorrow, Maynard, and pack your stuff and leave.

We all just wanted to meet Bigfoot, and you made us look like a bunch of idiots.

I'm sorry.

You okay, pal?

So you will be seeking legal action?

That's right, yeah.

It's the opposite of a class-action suit, because it's me against 80 people.

It's like un-classy suit.

It's not what you call it, but I'm suing for damages, yeah.

I have heard a number, an estimate, somewhere in the ballpark of 150 million dollars in damages.

Is that what you will be seeking?

I couldn't say, and I won't say.

I'm not allowed to say, but that's accurate, yes.

I can't promise you anybody's gonna show up, I mean, people are pretty upset.

But you know his heart was in the right place.

Yeah. Well, I'll do my best.


Hi. Is there a Maynard Greiger here?

I don't get it.

Don't you know how much he loves you, how much he loves this town?

Maynard's family has owned and operated the general store for generations.

He's over there right now, packing up his shop because... he doesn't know what else to do.

He feels like he doesn't belong here.

Well, he did ruin our shot.

Your shot at what?

Fame, fortune. Being on TV.

And how did he ruin it, exactly?

By pretending to be Bigfoot.

How much Bigfoot merchandise did you sell out of his store?

Did you ever offer him anything?

Did he ever ask for anything in return?

He's given everything to Pottersville.

I mean everything.

He's tried so hard to keep us and this town afloat that, honestly, I don't know if he could afford to keep his store open even if he felt like you wanted him to.

You've all seen this. You know what it's for.

And at one time or another, when you were down on your luck, each and every one of you asked Maynard to put your name in this book.

Has he ever refused any of you?

Now when he needs our help, your answer is to turn your back on him?

Well, before you decide that he ruined your shot, or your Christmas, or your Happy New Year, I just want you to take a look at this.

Then you can tell me if you're still upset with him for pretending.

It's empty.

Yeah.

Now we go live to Stacy Gutierrez for a story you'll only find here on Channel 13 News. Stacy.

Thank you, John.

Hi, this is Stacy Gutierrez reporting live on Christmas Eve here in Pottersville, but all is not merry and bright as the town is still reeling from the Bigfoot hoax.

Well, I am here with the hoaxster himself, Maynard Greiger, to get his side of the story.

So, Mr. Greiger, why did you do it?

Well, I never meant for it to happen, really.

But when people started really thinking I was Bigfoot and I saw how happy it made them, I figured, why not?

Why do you think this town was so captivated by him?

I don't think it's just our town, really. I mean, it could be any town.

People everywhere are looking for something to believe in.

We had fallen on hard times, like a lot of other places... this magical sense of... well, Bigfoot, you know, that sense that something else was out there.

It really brought the town together.

I haven't seen this town so alive in a long time, and...

It seemed to give everybody the faith and hope that things were gonna be okay.

I guess that's why I did it.

If you had to do it all over again, would you?

You know, let's just say that hope isn't always the most realistic thing, but it tends to make the world a better place.

Thank you, Mr. Greiger.

Merry Christmas. Merry Christmas to you.

This is Stacy Gutierrez live from Pottersville.

Thank you, Mr. Greiger, that was great.

My pleasure. You're welcome.

Hey. Hi.

I have some friends who want to talk to you.

Hey, fellas. What's going on?

Thanks for letting us sell our stuff out of your store.

And thank you also for just... well...

Oh, what the hell.

You're welcome.

Hey, Tammy.

I'm sorry I was so hard on you, Maynard.

Hey. Yeah, we've gotta get back on the air.

There's another breaking story happening here now.

You could never ruin our Christmas.

Thanks, Doris.

Maynard, forget the things I said. Merry Christmas.

Thank you.

Thanks.

Maynard, I'm so sorry I said I'd put my foot up your ass.

It's okay, Millie.

Merry Christmas. Merry Christmas, Millie.

Hey, Maynard. Jasper.

Thanks for everything, man.

Yeah. Sure.

Hey. Yeah?

You thought you had to become Bigfoot to save this town, but you saved it a long time ago by just being you.

Hi, this is Stacy Gutierrez reporting live on Christmas Eve from Greiger's General Store here in Pottersville, where the entire community has turned out in a show of support for the one-time Bigfoot hoaxster Maynard Greiger, to receive him now as their hometown hero.

Hey, buddy.

It's truly a Christmas miracle.

Hi. Thanks, Maynard.

Merry Christmas, Maynard. Merry Christmas.

Hey. Hey.

What are you doing later?

I think you should close up and come home.

You can bring the Bigfoot costume.

I've been wanting to talk to you for a long time.

I know you have.

You were right.

I know, baby.

Your little bunny's always right.

No, you were right...

We should split up.

Excuse me?

You should be happy.

You should go and find whatever excitement you can in life, if that's what you want.

I get it.

Life is short.

Why not be happy?

That's all I wanted to tell you.

I don't...

Wait. Are you...?

This is it?

Hey, Parker, is that rain check still available for the Jiffy Pop?

Always.

To Maynard Greiger... the richest man in Pottersville.

Hear, hear.

Hey. Norm? Tony?

You say people all over the world love this Bigfoot, right?

Um, yeah.

On every continent and in every language.

All of them. Yeah.

All right.

Ladies and gentlemen, I've just received word it appears that Brock Masterson, host of Monster Finder, is also not who he claims to be.

In an exclusive story you'll only see here on Channel 13 News, we've discovered that Brock Masterson is actually one Leonard Abromowitz, an actor from Coney Island.

Last time I checked, that's nowhere near Australia.

Well, what do you know?


Hey, you two. What are you doing?

We're just here to meet Bill on his lunch break.

This place is amazing, you two.

Thanks, Maynard!

You bet ya. Have fun.

Thanks.

You're a good man, May.

Well, what are you gonna do?