Prep & Landing (2009) Script

(CHRISTMAS SONG PLAYING)


(SONG STOPS ABRUPTLY)

(STEALTHY INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC)


WAYNE: Have you ever wondered how it all gets done?

How Santa gets in and out of millions of homes, all in one night?

Let's just say, he has a little help.

The operation has its challenges.

(SNARLING)

But we're always prepared.

(WHIMPERS)

Our mission statement, get in, get out, never be noticed.

I'm part of Prep and Landing, an elite unit of elves getting houses around the world ready for the Big Guy's arrival.

THE BIG GUY: Ho, ho, ho, ho!

Ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho!

The name's Wayne. Call sign: Little Drummer Boy.

And I've been doing this a long time.

(SIGHS)

-Ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho! -A really long time.

Now I'm ready to move up and leave this job behind.

Oh, yeah, next year is gonna be different.

(EXCLAIMS)

Hey, hey, hey, hey! Excuse me! This spot is reserved for... Wayne?

Uh-uh-uh. No ticket this time, Waterkotte.

You received the promotion? I was not informed of this!

I'm just heading over to Magee's office right now, you know, make it official...

Blah-blah-blah.

You just make sure you get a parking sticker on there, pronto, mister!

Hey, hey, hey. Scratch it, I'll put you on the Naughty List.

(LAUGHS) Just kidding. But I could.

MAGEE: (ON PA) All Prep and Landing teams, report in.

Big night, huh?

(SINGING) Oh, Jingle Bells Wayne is swell He's a director Don't be late for our date Under the mistletoe Hey.

BRIAN: Hey, Wayne, we're gonna miss you.

-Hey, I'll miss you, Gabe. -It's Brian.

MAGEE: Naughty List houses coming online now.

All Coal Elves, check in.

Here he comes, here he comes. Hey, new boss.

Hey, boss. My wife, she made you a fruitcake.

Why, thank you. Whoa, heavy.

Feels more like a pound cake, huh? (LAUGHS)

(BOTH LAUGHING)

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Okay. What was your name again?

Gristletoe Joe, sir, but my friends call me Nancy.

I'm gonna remember you when I'm in charge, Nance.

Now, you tell that lovely wife of yours that I am gonna savor every last bite. Yeah.

-Okay. Really? Hold on. -(WHISPERING) From me, to you.

Hello? I'll see you at the Christmas party tomorrow. Okay, bye!

-Hey, Magee. -Hello.

Yeah? Well, this year, I'm Santa's Secret Santa.

Okay, what am I supposed to do about that, Jerry? Ugh!

Hi, Wayne. Aw. Did you lose a bet, sweetie?

It's my celebration tie.

Wayne, you didn't get the promotion.

-What? -Peterson got it.

-My partner? -Yeah.

So, no parking sticker?

(CLICKING TONGUE)

You're disappointed.

Oh, no, no. I'm glad for Peterson.

What, are you crazy? 'Cause he was trained by me.

I mean, seriously, are you crazy?

I'm so glad that the Big Guy noticed him and not me. So, there you go.

Well, good! Because now you have a new partner to train!

Tiny? Tiny? Tiny, send him in.

I think you'll really like him. Top of his class at Kringle Academy.

-A little help here? -(SOFTLY) It was a small class.

Please?

(GRUNTING)

I'm Lanny. Call sign: Tree Skirt.

-Lanny? -I'm so excited to be working with you!

I had a poster of you on my wall growing up!

Talk about a Christmas gift, huh?

-Okay! -Wayne.

Thrasher is the last transport, so let's get a move on.

Thrasher? Thrasher the reindeer?

(EXCLAIMS)

There he is! Great garland!

I heard Dasher had a cousin, but I always thought you were a myth!

-I am a myth. -What?

Tell anyone I exist, and you won't exist.

Wayne, what's Thrasher's top speed? Mach two? Mach three?

I bet it's more like Mach a billion. This is so tinsel!

Does the phrase "Silent Night" mean anything to you?

(MAN ON PA) Three, two, one.

(GROWLS)

Wow, that house is a winter wonderland!

We have an L-shaped living chamber.

Two visible exits, to the north and to the east.

No hidden cameras.

Hey, you know, it seems like you've got this real holiday zest going.

You know what? What do you say you fly solo?

(LOUD) Solo? (WHISPERING) Solo?

(STUTTERING) But it's my first mission!

You are highly trained, aren't you?

I'll report in at regular intervals.

-I'm going upstairs. -Right.

And I'll handle Cookie Assessment.

(WHISTLES TUNEFULLY)

Tree Skirt to Little Drummer Boy. No creatures stirring, over.

Hmm? Oh! Mmm-hmm.

(MUFFLED) All right, go.

(GRUNTS)

Well, hello.

Stockings are hung with care. Am I doing okay?

Doing fantastic.

That's right, I'm being naughty.

Tell your buddy, Peterson, to put me on his list.

Oh, a bike! Oh, he's gonna be so happy!

(SLURPS NOISILY)

Ah!

Merry Christmas!

A Christmas special. That's nice.

Do you want to watch a Christmas special? You do?

-(CHANNEL CHANGES) -Oops!

Another one. Do you like that? I don't.

(CHANNEL CHANGES)

That one? Too bad.

-(THRILLING INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC) -Uh! Here we go.

(GASPING)

Uh, Little Drummer Boy, I could really use some advice here.

Go with your gut, kid.

Ah!

Merry Christmas, Big Guy.

Huh?

Stale.

(GROWLS)

Ha-ha!

Huh?

(GULPS)

It's jingle time. Open hangar doors.

-Doors open. -Cue Rosebud.

Instruments are holly jolly.

Rev up the engines.

-Yeah! -Yeah!

-Yeah! -Yeah!

-Yeah! -Yeah!

-Yeah! -Yeah!

Reindeer ready to roll.

We are go for Partridge.

He's on his way.

I've made the list, sir.

THE BIG GUY: You checked it twice?

MISS HOLLY: Per redundancy protocol.

Prep and Landing teams are underway. Everything seems to be in proper order.

Excellent. Thank you, Miss Holly.

The Partridge is in the Pear Tree. We are go for launch.

-Vehicle? -Dash away.

-Engines? -BOTH: Dash away!

-Partridge? -Dash away!

Dash away, all!

MAN: (ON PA) Ten, nine, eight, seven, six, five, four, three, two, one.

Ho, ho...

Go!

(ALL CHEERING)

Okay, people, this is it!

Three hundred and sixty-four days of preparation, one night of perfect execution.

Nothing will go wrong. Nothing will go wrong.

Sir, there's a storm alert over sector seven.

Oh, frostbite.

Hi, I'm Timmy. What's your name?

(STUTTERS)

It's Wayne.

You're a lot smaller than Santa's helpers at the mall.

Are you a baby elf?

Ah! No, I'm not a baby. I have a pension.

You're squeezy.

Little Drummer Boy, creature stirring!

(GASPS) Another one.

(SCREAMS)

Security breach. Subject has been sparkled.

Hey.

-Is this one of the Big Guy's cookies? -Not anymore.

We are definitely behind schedule now.

Then we'd better get going.

But doesn't Section Code 808 state, "All children shall be snug in their beds"?

(SIGHS)

(BOTH GRUNTING)

Looks like you were having a jolly holiday downstairs.

Oh, yeah.

Fa, la, la, la, la!

What's wrong? Don't you even care?

I've been working Prep and Landing for 227 years, and believe me, the thrill is gone.

But this is the most tinsel job ever. I mean, bringing joy to children?

Sorry!

Look, Tree Skirt, we are just tiny ornaments on some gigantic tree, slaving away, all for what?

For what? For him.

I mean, just look at this face, Wayne.

Imagine the joy on this face tomorrow morning.

Imagine all the great memories he'll pass on to his children, and his children's children.

The thrill may be gone for you, Wayne, but it's not gone for him.

(SCOFFS) You'll learn, rookie.

I thought you were the Prep and Landing guy, Wayne.

But you're just a lump of coal.

Well, sometimes we don't get what we want.

(CHRISTMAS CAROL PLAYING ON MOBILE PHONE)

Oh!

-Yes, dear? -Wayne, it's Magee.

I'm sure you've noticed, the snowstorm is pretty bad.

Oh. Well, I have now. I mean...

What do you mean? You're not on the roof? You're not done?

(SIGHS) Okay, fine. We have a coal in the stocking.

-What? -We're putting him to bed. Relax.

I told you to pull it together, -not crumble like a Christmas cookie! -If you had...

Eight Maids-a-Milking, this is Jingle Belle.

Come in, Eight Maids-a-Milking.

I really hate that call sign.

Can barely hear you, Jingle Belle. We are in the soup, here.

We're flying blind, man! Tell her we're flying blind!

Ugh! Why didn't I listen to Jerry and stay in Toy Design?

Tiny, bring me Big Red.

It's just a little snow, Magee. I can handle it.

You don't understand, sir. The site's not prepped.

We have no choice. Figgy pudding.

(ALL GASPING)

It's never come to that. What about Timmy?

Sir, with all due respect, there are millions of other kids counting on you.

It's just not safe.

We'll make it up to Timmy, somehow. I promise.

(SIGHS)

All right, then. You heard her, team.

(STUTTERING) Figgy pudding?

(STUTTERING) But that means the Big Guy's passing us by.

What about Timmy? What about his Christmas?

(SIGHS) Well, I, uh...

I never meant for this to happen.

This will be the best Christmas ever.

Thanks, Wayne.

Magee, patch me through to the Big Guy!

MAGEE: Wayne, it's over.

Patch me through or I'll tell everyone about you and Tiny.

Patching you through!

THE BIG GUY: Hello? This is Partridge.

Sir, my name's Wayne, from Prep and Landing.

I need you to come to this house, sir.

Oh, I'm afraid Magee's rerouting me, son.

Sir, there's a child here that's really excited for you.

We cannot let him down.

I can land you safely. I have a plan, and there is time.

Please, sir! Let me do my job.

I can't let Timmy down.

I was hoping you'd say that. Let's give it a shot, my boy.

Ho, ho, ho, ho!

REINDEER: Yeah!

This is the most tinsel job ever, huh, partner?

MAGEE: (SIGHS) I should never have patched him through.

Sir!

Roasting chestnuts, he's turned back!

(GRUNTING)

LANNY: Oh, no!

No! No, no, no, no!

You can't see anything in this storm.

Except your winter wonderland.

(LANNY SCREAMING)

How we gonna make it through all this snow?

Laughing all the way, my friend. Laughing all the way.

Ha-ha-ha-ha!

Lanny, I need some rope.

(GRUNTING)

Is this enough?

Light them up!

-Good job, Tree Skirt. -Yes!

I'm gonna die!

I'm alive!

THE BIG GUY: Little Drummer Boy? Little Drummer Boy, we don't see the landing strip.

Almost there, sir.

-We have a visual. -The landing zone is prepped.

We're going in. Cut the engines.

THE BIG GUY: Ho, ho, ho!

-Coming in too hot. -It's too late to pull up, man.

-It's too late to pull up! -Keep it together, Dancer.

Hang on!

The tail hook.

(BOTH YELLING)

Huh?

(ALL CHEERING)

(TYPEWRITER CLACKING)

(EXHALES)

Hi, I don't have an appointment, but I was wondering if I...

Go right in. He's been expecting you.

He is? Oh! Well, okay.

Hey, Wayne. You're missing the party.

They're gonna start the gift exchange. (WHOOPS)

No, no. You go ahead. I'll catch up later.

-(CLEARS THROAT) -Come in, Wayne.

Sir, I am very sorry about last night.

If you want to transfer me, or fire me, I completely understand.

Oh!

But please, make sure you find Lanny a new partner. He's a good elf, sir.

Well, that's why I assigned him to you. (CHUCKLES)

But don't be silly, Wayne. I'm not going to bite your head off.

Everyone slips onto the Naughty List, once in a while.

I'm glad you stopped by, though, so I could say, "Merry Christmas."

It's... It's Timmy's house.

It's a reminder of why our job is so important.

Now, go on. We're not getting any younger, you know.

(LAUGHS)

(RINGS BELL)

Thanks, Santa.

Wayne, one more thing.

Well, what'd he say?

-He offered me a promotion. -Wow!

Director of the Nice List.

Congratulations.

I turned him down.

What?

I'm more of a Prep and Landing guy.

(GASPS)

A fruitcake?

Thanks, Magee! Best Christmas ever.