Prep & Landing: Naughty vs. Nice (2011) Script

(BEEPING)

WAYNE: Like the song says, Santa knows who's been naughty and who's been nice.

Make it on the Nice List, and you can expect a visit from Prep and Landing.

But end up on the Naughty List, well, then get ready for a whole different crew.

The Coal Elf Brigade.

(BELL JINGLING)

Their job, confirm and deliver.

Their goal, to rehabilitate children one lump of coal at a time.

These guys are tough.

Always prepared for those naughty kids.

Well, almost always.

(BOTH YELL)

(BARKING)

(GRUNTS)

Look out!

Good dog.

MAGEE: Uh-huh. All right. Yes. Good.

No, no, no! Just get it done!

If those turtle doves aren't cleared off the runway, believe me, Dancer will swallow one on take-off.

(GROANS) Ice blocks!

Book 30 minutes at Spa Navidad.

If Renato is available, make it an hour.

Okay, Mr. Thistleton, come on. T-minus three days.

Give me some good news, baby.

Happy to oblige, baby. I mean, Magee! Of course. Why did I say that?

Naughty and Nice List servers are online, protective firewalls are in place, and we are processing behavioral data from around the world as we speak.

It appears we may have a record number of nice children this year.

(BELL RINGING)

Hmm...

Someone is being very naughty.

I've been really nice this year.

What the heck? I'll take it!

-Well, that is holly jolly, sir. -Hey, Wayne! Done shopping!

(GROANS)

Got any of those beaded seat covers?

I'm heading home to trim the tree with my family. You wanna come?

Uh, thanks, Lanny, but this new Natalé is all the family I need.

It's a Turbo!

Hey, you think you can take out the passenger seat?

-(BEEPING) -I got it.

Wayne! Code Red!

Cranberry Red!

Gene, I'll be right back! Do not sell it!

MAGEE: Sorry to drag you boys away from your little shopping spree, but we have a situation. Mr. Thistleton?

Yes, we have recently discovered that last year, a Fruitcake Conduct Calculator fell into the hands of a naughty child with the nefarious screen name, Jinglesmell1337.

(GASPS) Great garland!

Using our stolen technology, the juvenile is attempting to ascertain the password to the Naughty and Nice List database.

And that we cannot allow.

On a personal note, I'd like to add that my superior intellect and I take umbrage...

Got it. Thanks, Smart Guy.

Tiny, we almost there?

-So that's why the Big Guy wants... -Yeah, okay, okay.

I know what you're gonna ask.

Will The Prep and Landing guy step forth in the face of crisis and retrieve that Fruitcake?

Yes. Yes, he will. He'd be honored.

Waynie, Wayne, you are adorable.

But how to put this?

The Big Guy thinks you need a little more help.

A Naughty Kid Field Expert.

Hmm. Wait, what? You mean a Coal Elf?

He'll meet you at Christmas Carol's. I'm sure everything will be fine.

Don't hate me. Floor it, Tiny. Okay, bye!

A Coal Elf? Tinsel!

(SCOFFS) We don't need any help.

Naughty, naughty children Better start acting nice Naughty, naughty children Better start...

Fifteen minutes late.

This Naughty Kid Field Expert, no expert on time.

Whoa! (LAUGHS)

Thank you, sir!

Um...

But, ma'am... Ma'am!

I mean, lady?

(OLD ELF COUGHING)

Hey, you know, that's gonna be me. Yeah.

-What's that? -The Elf of the Year.

Hey, aren't you that Preps and Landing guy? Dwayne, is it?

It's Wayne. And, indeed, I am.

Hey, everybody! It's Dwayne from Preps and Landing!

Hey, I heard of you!

He's gonna be Elf of the Year!

Yeah, I guess I'm here to save Christmas or something.

I'm the Prep and Landing guy, so... Well, what are you gonna do, huh?

Yeah, I'll be leading this expedition once our so-called expert...

(HORN HONKS)

Arrives.

-He's here! -It's him! He's here.

Jingle-bam!

That's got to be the expert!

Whoo-hoo! (LAUGHS)

How's everybody doing?

Noel?

Sorry about the mess, there, Carol.

I got all excited. I just dropped some serious coin on my new Natalé.

It's a Turbo!

Hey, Wayne, that looks just like the snowmobile you were gonna buy.

-Noel? -Gene said he had another buyer, but I turned on the old Noel charm.

Noel?

And now I'm here to save Christmas. Jingle-bam!

Hey, that's funny. That's what this fellow, Dwayne, says he's gonna do.

What? Crumbling coal buckets!

-Wayne! -The name's Dwayne.

Nobody listens to me.

March it on over here, little man! Holiday hug time!

-No, no! No, no! No, no, no. -Come here, come here. Come here.

-Wayne! -I love him, I love him, I love him.

-Lanny, this is Noel, my little brother. -Brother?

(LAUGHS)

LANNY: You two? Brothers?

Yeah! Finally working together.

-Yeah. -Hey, you're still looking good.

Even with those extra pounds.

Okay, okay. Listen carefully.

Thrasher, the reindeer, not exactly sociable.

Whatever you do, say nothing.

Hey, Bambi!

-(GASPS) -Oh, brother!

I told you if I ever saw you again, I'd put your head on my wall!

You hairy tub of cookie dough.

Give me one good reason why I shouldn't destroy you.

(BOTH LAUGHING)

Thanks, Noel, you're the best!

Hey, this Friday, I'm having a little party.

LANNY: Jingle-bam! Jingle-bam!

(LAUGHING)

-No. Jingle-bam! -Wow.

The key is to really unclench and bring it all up from the South Pole.

Jingle-bam!

-(LAUGHS) Yes! -Yeah!

I like the Yule in your log, partner.

-You keep bringing it. -Okay.

Hey, Tree Skirt, you know who Wayne's first partner was?

-Me! -Whoa.

-Oh, Yeah. When we were kids... -Here we go.

...Wayne would dress up as Captain Avalanche, and I was his trusty sidekick, Snowball.

LANNY: Great garland!

NOEL: Why, we used to battle all the enemies of the North Pole.

Like Professor Permafrost and his Army of Evil Nutcrackers.

-LANNY: Tinsel! -NOEL: Oh, hey, Wayne, remember when they came out with Captain Avalanche's Super Sled?

The one with the glacier grappling hook and zip-line action.

WAYNE: Oh, yeah. I remember that thing.

NOEL: Man, we sure wanted that sled, huh?

We sure did.

Yeah, too bad that Peterson kid got the last one, huh?

You cried and cried like a baby. My big brother. The big baby.

All right, all right, look, time to exit memory lane.

We're on a mission here.

Thrasher, what's our ETA, big fella? Over.

Do not question me, Dwayne! I tell you when we're over the drop zone.

Noel, we are over the drop zone. You go save Christmas, buddy.

Okay, Lanny, time for an equipment check.

-Parachutes? -Check.

-Sparkle? -Check.

-Here's my sparkle. -Check it out!

This ain't no cotillion, ladies.

We'll need Little Miss Sweet Dreams here for this naughty kid.

Jingle-bam!

And you guys are still using parachutes?

(HUMMING)

Jingle-bam!

Wow!

Hmm.

LANNY: Wayne!

Whoo-hoo!

Ooh!

WAYNE: Oh, no!

(CRASHING)

-(CAR ALARM BLARING) -LANNY: Uh...

We're in the belly of the beast, my friend. One of us might die.

-Probably gonna be you. -What?

Okay, let's not be dramatic. (GROANS)

Future Elf of the Year here.

Follow my lead.

After all, stealth is my middle name.

I thought it was Francis.

Do you see what I mean?

Noel might have stomped on this, and woke up the whole house.

No, wait!

Huh?

Ho, ho, go!

I broke my bat on Johnny's head Somebody snitched on me I hid a frog in sister's bed Somebody snitched on me I spilled some ink on Mommy's rug I made Tommy eat a bug Bought some gum with a penny slug Somebody snitched on me We're in the kill zone! Serpentine! Serpentine!

Mommy and Daddy are mad Move, everyone. Move! Move!

-Keep going, Tree Skirt. -Right behind you!

(LAUGHING) You make me hoppy.

Stand down. Okay, bunny, let's bounce.

(GRUNTS)

Wow! Way to block him with your face! My turn!

(GRUNTS)

Um...

I'll just go get the Fruitcake, then?

I told you I got this.

No pre-school toy picks on my big brother!

I ain't been nothing but bad

(EXCLAIMS)

This isn't very tinsel!

(WHIMPERING)

(SCREAMS)

I killed the naughty kid! Whoa!

WAYNE: Lanny!

(GROANING)

Jinglesmell?

But you're so adorable.

So, your friends?

They're never gonna get into my fortress, Santa's Helper!

Jinglesmell?

The name's Goodwin. Grace Goodwin.

Now give me the password so I can access the database.

Pass-what?

The password so I can take myself off the Naughty List.

-NOEL: There it is. -Okay. Wait for my signal.

Why would I help you get off the Naughty List?

Boy, that was a lot of sparkle. (SNORES)

'Cause it's not fair. I'm not the naughty one.

He is.

A baby brother?

Ever since he was born, Gabriel's messed up everything.

Like one time, I came home from school, he totally ripped up Miss Whiskers!

She was my favorite!

And when we went to the mall so I could ask Santa for a new one, Gabe just kept crying and crying, and we had to leave.

(SIGHS)

Twelve months and two days since he was born, and no one's noticed me since.

I need a better vantage point. Cover me.

Hey, I didn't give the... Ow!

So don't you understand? That's why I need the password.

You know what I need? A pizza!

-I'm starving. -What is it? What is it?

Maybe you just need to say the magic word.

-Magic word? -Magic word, magic word, magic word...

Of course! Naughty kids never use the magic word.

-Yes! -Oops.

Best you don't watch what happens next.

(GRUNTS)

I did it!

(SINGING) Jingle bells This is swell I'm not getting coal Oh, what fun it is to be Off the Naughty List

(BELL JINGLING)

(GASPS) Kringle bytes!

La, la, la, la, la La, la, la, la, la Hey, Noel! We're getting pizza!

-(GASPS) -You want in?

-Stop! This is my mission. -No, no, no!

No!

-Give it! -Come on! Let it go, kid!

It's mine! (GASPS)

-Noel! -Don't worry! I'll get it, Wayne!

Oh, merry Christmas!

Whoo! (CHUCKLES)

Jingle-bam-a-lam-a-ding-dong.

-Hey, Magee. -Noel?

Fruitcake in hand. Mission accomplished.

You just saved Christmas, my friend!

You know what, you'll probably get Elf of the Year for this.

Roasting chestnuts! That nerd Thistleton's calling. T-T-Y-L!

Hey, Wayne! Look, I got it.

And now Magee says I'm gonna be Elf of the Year!

Elf of the Year?

I didn't even know they had that.

This is great.

This is great. Best mission ever.

Great news.

Something wrong with you?

I got to be honest, I've been getting kind of a vibe over here.

I'll tell you what's wrong with me!

-You! -Me? What did I do?

You take everything from me! And I'm sick of you showing me up!

I'm sensing a lot of pent up hostility, Wayne.

(GRUNTING) "Pent up"?

Hey, if this is about Dolores, I told you, I never saw the mistletoe!

It's about Dolores, it's about the Turbo, it's about all of it!

But it's been so great being together on this mission!

This mission is a disaster!

I didn't want you along. I never wanted you along.

I wish I never had a brother!

I know you didn't mean that!

Tell me you didn't mean it, Wayne.

Tell me you didn't mean it.

You know, ever since I was born, I looked up to you.

You knew how to build a snow fort, skate backwards, write your name in the snow.

You were my hero.

Hero?

Until now.

Merry Christmas.

The Super Sled.

You found one?

Well, I forgot how amazing this thing was.

You know, Captain Avalanche, he's nothing without Snowball.

Never has been, and never will be.

You got that right.

I'm sorry, Noel.

Jingle-bam?

-Jingle-bam! Come here! -Okay!

Hey, is that pizza here, yet?

-(LAUGHING) -(PHONE RINGING)

Hello, beautiful.

MAGEE: Please tell me you still have that Fruitcake.

Got it right here.

Well, it's causing bigger problems now.

Somehow the database has been fried, and because of that...

Every child on Earth is going on the Naughty List!

Oh, frostbite!

As I've said, every child is being transferred to the Naughty List and I am unable to interface with the Fruitcake.

Maybe because the antenna's broken?

Okay, in that case, you need to re-wire the FCC and piggyback it to the most powerful antenna you can locate to reverse the damage.

This is all my fault.

Where are we gonna find an antenna that strong?

Hey, what about that one?

First you will need to bypass the internal motherboard.

Did that already. I'm reassigning the main battery to power the manual sync.

Oh. Yes. Well, I was just going to say that.

Wire cutters, please.

Oh! This is a bumpy sleigh ride!

GRACE: Hey, it's ready.

Thanks, kid. Nice work.

Wayne!

I'm sorry for being so naughty.

Hey, always be your brother's hero. Huh?

Hey, wait for me, I'm... (SNORES)

Worldwide Naughty List at 75%.

Make the numbers go down, genius!

The Tree Farm is overloading.

It was never designed for this much naughtiness.

If levels reach 100% Christmas will be ruined!

Come on.

(GRUNTING)

This way, follow me.

Up you go!

NOEL: Whoo-hoo!

Oh, man, are you heavy!

Oh. Just like the fortress of Professor Permafrost.

Race you to the top, Snowball.

Come on!

This way!

93%.

94%.

NOEL: We can't get through there!

The Super Sled can!

With glacier grappling hook and zip-line action.

Here. You're the better shot.

Nah. I can't get a clear view.

Hurry, Wayne. We're at 97.

Ninety-eight!

Holiday hug.

Huh?

Good thing you're still using parachutes!

-Yeah. -Jingle-bam!

(BELL JINGLING)

96%. Ninety-four. Levels returning to normal, baby.

-I mean... -Come here, nerd!

Oh, my! Whoa!

(CHEERING)

-We did it! -Oh, yeah!

(GIGGLING)

A new Miss Whiskers! Merry Christmas, Gabriel!

THE BIG GUY: Well, look at that.

There's no better gift than family, is there?

Thanks for teaming us up, sir.

Best present I ever got.

Well done, lads.

Ho! We'd better get a move on. Don't want to be late, do we?

And congratulations to Wayne and Noel!

(CROWD CHEERING)

-Jingle-bam! -Jingle-bam!

-Merry Christmas! -Way to go, guys!

Elves of the year!

Whoo!

Hmm. Told you his name was Dwayne.

(SINGING) We're gonna turn you round One lump of coal at a time Oh, you naughty children!