Pride and Prejudice and Zombies (2016) Script

Make way on the bridge!

Battle arms, engage!

It ls a truth universally acknowledged that a zombie in possession of brains must be in want of more brains.

Never was this truth more plain than in the recent attacks at Netherfield Park, in which an entire household was slaughtered by a horde of the living dead during a whist party.

Who goes there?

Who goes there?

Darcy.

Colonel Darcy.


No zombie bite marks on this pristine, young body.

Father.

How were you able to discern that the wound on my rib was from fencing?

Been at this a long time, my son.

I have no wound.

Lovely bid, Mr. Kingston!

More sherry for Mr. Kingston please!

Mrs. Featherstone.

I'm afraid Mr. Darcy's here to see you, ma'am.

Darcy?

Carry on.

We have absolutely nothing to hide.

Please, everyone. Enjoy.

Mr. Darcy.

Colonel Darcy, Mrs. Featherstone. I'm here on official business.

There's been a report that somebody here has been bitten.

Surely not.

There hasn't been a zombie incident in Hertfordshire for over two years.

I assure you, we've taken every precaution.

A newly-infected zombie is almost impossible to detect.

Until they've ingested their first human brains, at which point, the transformation accelerates with every subsequent kill.

Yes. We are all well aware of how it works, Colonel Darcy.

Well, are you quite satisfied?

Quite.

Might I play a hand? Of course.

Good evening.

So, shall we?

A Potion?

Flies, ma'am.

I beg your pardon?

Carrion flies.

They are in possession of but one truly enviable talent.

The ability to detect dead flesh.

Well, I've won the trick.

Very crafty play, Mr. Kingston.

I dare say, the buzzing is frightfully loud.

It's not the buzzing that should concern you, madam.

But rather, when the buzzing stops.

Oh, dear.


One-nil, Darcy.

I'm going to be faint.

Is there anyone else present whom he would have had the opportunity to infect?

A family member, perhaps?

Good evening. Who would dare just leave a zombie head in the middle of the floor?

It's his head!

Get it away from me.

But Mr. Kingston's niece is here.

There was no need to put that girl through Mr. Darcy's interrogation!

Cassandra, come back!

Annabelle?

Where are you?

Annabelle?

It wasn't always like this, my dear daughters.

As the century began, Britannia was rich with the fruits of worldwide trade.

From the colonies there came not just silks and spices, but a virulent and abominable plague.

Naturally, many suspected the French were to blame.

Definitely the French.

- Are you surprised? No.

Once bitten, the newly-infected were filled with an insatiable hunger for the brains of the living.

Millions perished, only to rise again as legions of implacable undead.

So certain did it seem the end of days had come that even the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse are said to have ascended from HeH.

To protect the living, the Grand Barrier was built, a 100-foot wall encircling London.

Then excavation began on the Royal Canal, a vast moat 30 fathoms deep surrounding both the city and its walls.

The land twixt the two fortifications

-became known as The In-Between. -The In-Between.

At this time, it became fashionable to study the deadly arts of the Orient.

Japan for the wealthy.

China for the wise.

In the Second Battle of Kent, one of the bridges across the Royal Canal was breached.

Ravenous zombie hordes massacred every villager of The In-Between.

It was said, the sight of this slaughter drove young King George mad.

When the battle was finally won, he ordered the destruction of all the bridges, save one.

Hingham Bridge, which to this day, remains the only means by which to cross the Royal Canal.

There's Lady Catherine.

Many believed the enemy was finally vanquished.

The gentry began to leave the safe confines of London's defenses for their newly-fortified country estates.

But vigilance is still of the essence.

Remember this, keep your swords as sharp as your wit.

For the ultimate battle between the living and the undead has yet to be staged.


Mr. Bennet!

Mr. Bennet!

Mr. Bennet, have you heard that Netherfield Park is occupied again?

By a Mr. Bingley.

A young, single man of large fortune.

Mrs. Long says his income is four or five thousand a year.

He is attending the village dance tonight.

How does this concern our warrior daughters?

Oh, how can you be so tiresome?

You know I mean for him to marry one of them.

Daughters do not dance well with masticated brains, Mrs. Bennet.

You, sir, have already put them at a decided social disadvantage by insisting they do their combat training in China as opposed to Japan!

The Chinese deadly arts have no equal.

I, for one, would trade nothing for my Shaolin training.

You mustn't speak like that, Lizzy.

I should like to go to the dance.

Do you think Mr. Bingley's handsome?

With his income, Lydia, you'd think him handsome if he had half a zombie face.

Sorry. You'll make me very, very happy.

Well I suppose, if we all go...

No! I don't care to be paraded like a herd of heifers at a farm auction.

That's because you're the cow who's least proficient in the art of tempting the other sex.

Moo.

Do not mistake my indulgence for a relaxation in discipline!

They must find husbands, Mr. Bennet.

For as you know too well, they shall inherit nothing when you pass.

Their immediate survival is my present concern.

Pish.


Well, I'd say you're easily five times as beautiful as any other woman in this room.

Stop it, Liz.

It's true.

These girls don't stand a chance.

They say Mr. Bingley brought a tribe of London dandies with him.

Smile, Liz. I will later.

There's the handsome new master of Netherfield.

Where?

It was my understanding that Captain Bingley was in want of a wife.

Oh, he is. Those are his sisters, Caroline Bingley and Louisa Hurst.

They say he inherited nearly £100,000.

What a magnificent husband he'd make.

Charlotte Lucas, do you think of nothing else?

Zombies or no zombies, all women must think of marriage, Lizzy.

I shall never relinquish my sword for a ring.

For the right man, you would.

The right man wouldn't ask me to.

Mr. Darcy. Rather an imposing presence.

Owns half of Derbyshire. £10,000 a year, at least.

What?

Back to your own family, Charlotte Lucas.

Now, Liz, you look very nice.

Well, thank you. Don't act so surprised.

Out, out. Out. Smile.

Welcome, dear friend.

How are you? How are you, Charles?

I'm very well. How was the journey from Derbyshire?

Fine. Good.

So this is Meryton?

She's the most beautiful creature I ever beheld.

She smiles too much.

She... She's an angel.

Oh, my word.

Charles Bingley, pleased to make your acquaintance.

Mrs. Bennet. We've heard so much about you, Mr. Bingley.

My daughters, all of impeccable character.

Well... May I introduce my friend, Mr. Darcy of Derbyshire!

Are you enjoying Hertfordshire, Mr. Bingley?

Very much.

I've heard the library at Netherfield is one of the finest.

Library? Is it?

Miss Bennet, may I be so bold as to request the next two dances?

If you are not otherwise engaged.

I am not engaged.

Good for you, Mr. Bingley. You chose the loveliest of my daughters.

Mother! Well...

I consider dancing to be the first refinement of polished society.

Don't you agree, Mr. Darcy?

No. Every savage can dance.

Why, I imagine even zombies could do it to some degree of success.

Good evening.

You know, I love to read, too, actually.

I have read.

Please don't forget our next dance, Miss Bennet.

Darcy, I hate to see you just standing there. You must dance.

Oh, you know I detest it when I'm not acquainted with my partner.

Oh, well. .. Darcy.

You are dancing with the only handsome girl here.

Oh, but one of her sisters is also very pretty.

Dare I say, very agreeable.

Well, she's tolerable but... Tolerable?

Yes, tolerable.

But not handsome enough to tempt me.

Nor any other man here, apparently.

Darcy, your standards, my dear fellow...

Oh, that is unfortunate.

What a lack of grace.

Mr. Darcy, you're an insufferable prig.

Fitzwilliam Darcy?

I quite detest the man.

So high and so conceited that I can't endure him.

Indeed.

I wouldn't dance with him if he were...

Mrs. Featherstone?

You're undead.

I've come to tell you...

What happened, Lizzy?

I narrowly saved her life.

From Mrs. Featherstone?

From an undead Mrs. Featherstone.

I found her to be exceedingly tolerable.

Well done, Darcy. Very heroic.

She was trying to tell me something.

A recipe. Perhaps?

Laugh as much as you choose.

But you shall not laugh me out of my opinion.

She posed no threat.

We are under attack!

Ladies!


Her face is rendered uncommonly intelligent by the beautiful expression of her dark eyes.

And I'm forced to acknowledge her figure as both light and pleasing.

And that her arms are surprisingly muscular, yet not so much as to be unfeminine.

Lizzy, I never saw such happy manners.

So much ease with such good breeding.

I give you leave to like him.

You've liked many a stupider person.

He's just what a young man ought to be.

Good-humored, lively, handsome, and...

Quite rich, which a young man ought likewise to be, if he possibly can.

Not as rich as Darcy.

I saw how you looked at him when he first walked in the dance...

As if I hated him?

As if you liked him.

Until his manners gave me disgust!

He acted as if he were above our company and above being pleased.

Admit you find him handsome.

Handsome is as handsome does.

Mr. Darcy is therefore a very ill-looking man.

Girls, you will knock the house down!

Never have I encountered a man so consumed by his own pride!

One cannot wonder that so very fine a young man with family, fortune, and everything in his favor should think highly of himself.

If I may so express it, he has a right to be proud.

I could easily forgive his pride, if he had not mortified mine.

Pride is a very common failing, I believe.

Vanity and pride are different things, though the words are often used synonymously.

A person may be proud without being vain.

Pride relates more to our opinion of ourselves, and vanity to what we would have others think of us.

A letter for Miss Jane Bennet.

He saved you from a zombie.

Mrs. Featherstone was quite civilized.

Yield! Never!

She was a zombie, Lizzy. Thank goodness he was there.

Lizzy!

No, Lizzy!

No, no, no! Stop it, Lizzy! That's not fair! Lydia!

The Bingleys have invited me to tea.

Lydia, come on. Well, of course they have.

Yeah. Down there.

What?

Truly, I'd much rather go by coach.

You had much better go on horseback, for it seems likely to rain, and then you must stay all night.

That would be a good scheme if you were sure they would not send her home.

Mother, I really would prefer the carriage.

Jane, Mr. Bingley undoubtedly likes you.

But in nine cases out of 10, a woman had far better show more affection than she feels.

Enough.

Go quickly now. The zombies spring easily from the wet earth.


Merciful God.

This cannot be.


Where is she?

She must be closely monitored and her room locked at all times...

That is a little excessive, Darcy.

Miss Elizabeth Bennet.

Did you walk all the way here?

Yes. How is my sister?

She was feverish and slept ill last night.

I fear she has the flu.

Or worse.

I detest illness. It keeps one in a continual state of inelegance.

Quite.

May I tend to her?

Of course. Edwin, show Miss Bennet the way.

Thank you.

I will not make the same mistake I made at Mrs. Featherstone's whist party, Bingley.

Oh, Janey.

Miss Bennet.

The physician has arrived.

Please.

She got caught in the downpour?

Yes.


The wound, Doctor.

Her musket backfired.

I see no indication of a bite.

That was never in question.

I believe that these belong to you.

Darcy, old bean, you almost seem disappointed.

Louisa, you shouldn't have played that spade.

I won! I won!

How is she?

She's fast asleep.

I'm sure she'll be quite well. Please join us, Miss Bennet.

Thank you, but I'll amuse myself with a book.

You prefer reading to cards?

I prefer a great many things to cards, Mr. Hurst.

One half of the world cannot understand the pleasures of the other.

I don't speak Japanese.

No, of course. You didn't train in Japan.

China, was it?

The Shaolin Temple in Henan Province.

It was there that I learned to endure all manner of discomfort.

May I inquire as to the nature of this discomfort?

I would much rather give you a demonstration.

Mr. Darcy, is your sister much grown since the spring?

She is now about the same height as Miss Elizabeth Bennet.

I don't believe I've ever met a girl who was so extremely accomplished.

The word "accomplished" is far too liberally applied to young ladies today, but my sister Georgiana does deserve that distinction.

Not only is she a master of the female arts but the deadly as well.

I cannot boast of knowing more than half a dozen in the whole range of my acquaintance that is thus accomplished.

Nor I, I'm sure.

Then, Mr. Darcy, you must comprehend a great deal in your idea of an accomplished woman.

I do.

A woman must have a thorough knowledge of music, singing, drawing, dancing and the modern languages.

She must be well-trained in the fighting styles of the Kyoto masters, and the weapons and tactics of modern Europe.

Or the term would only be half-deserved.

And you know six such women?

I wonder now at your knowing any.

Are you so severe on your own sex?

A woman is either highly trained or highly refined.

One cannot afford the luxury of both in such times.

L'Art de la guerre.

The Art of War.

Have you not read it in its original Wu dialect?

Alas.

Then you've never read The Art of War.

I should get back to Jane.

She is one of those young ladies who seeks to recommend themselves to men by undervaluing their own sex.

Undoubtedly.

I'm not going to lie...


Oh, my word, girls, regard how opulently reappointed it has been.

He must be even more wealthy than we imagined.

It would have cost a small fortune, of course, to get the zombie blood out of the marble.

Mrs. Bennet, Miss Bennet, Miss Bennet and Miss Bennet.

Mrs. Bennet, I am so glad to see you.

Oh, and sadly at distressing circumstances.

Are you here to take Jane home?

No. Yes!

We must not trespass any longer on your kindness.

Surely, she is too ill to be moved.

She... She does look very pale.

Bingley, I must protest.

Bingley, please.

Carelessness when dealing with a zombie infection could lead to your abrupt demise.

Arrogance could lead to yours.

Your defect, Miss Bennet, besides eavesdropping, is to willfully misunderstand people.

And yours is to be unjustly prejudiced against them.

Come on, Eliza. Come on.

Mr. Bingley, I know just the thing to break this terrible tension and...

And lift the spirits of the county.

A ball at Netherfield.

Out of the question.

The security arrangements alone...

It's a brilliant idea.

When Jane is recovered you shall, if you please, name the day.

I should be honored.

All right.

Look at her.

We could've stayed on for another week in that palace.

I'd risk a cold before I'd risk Darcy's blade.

Oh, Mrs. Beacham's orphanage fell.

There will be an addition to our party for dinner tonight.

It would appear your health is fully restored.

Quite recovered, Papa.

I know of no one who is coming.

The person of whom I speak is a certain gentleman.

Let me see.

Who is it?

"A certain gentleman."

What is that odious man doing?

He is perusing his future property.

See, this estate must, by law, go to a male heir.

Now that "odious man," Mr. Collins, may, the moment I am dead, toss you all out of this house at his pleasure.

Tell me, to which of my fair cousins do I owe the compliments of the excellent, and I repeat, excellent cooking?

My daughters were trained for battle, sir. Not the kitchen.

Quite, Mr. Bennet.

My patroness is not only the King's richest subject, but deadliest.

Singularly dedicated to the annihilation of the undead.

I assume you have all heard of Lady Catherine de Bourgh?

She's the most deadly swordswoman in all of Great Britain.

With the agility of a black panther.

My humble abode abuts Her Ladyship's estate, Rosings Park.

Was she ever married?

Widowed, sadly.

She has one daughter, Anne, who is unfortunately of a sickly constitution.

Has Anne been presented?

Oh, no. No, Mrs. Bennet.

Her ill health prevents it.

I told Lady Catherine that the court has been deprived of its brightest ornament.

I have a talent, you see, for delivering these very delicate compliments with an unstudied air.

It would seem, sir, that all you lack now is a wife.

I must confess, Mrs. Bennet, the fairest wifely choices be right here in this room.

I declare that I am enchanted by your daughter, Jane.

And request to speak to her alone, if I may.

Oh, dear Parson.

I'm afraid Jane is already spoken for.

We expect a serious proposal imminently.

Oh, fuddle.

But Liz is quite available, and almost as fair as Jane.

What? What?

Is there absolutely no negotiating over Jane?

The early bird catches the worm, Mr. Collins. Oh, indeed.

Be mindful of your talent for the delicate compliment, sir.

Oh, no. Yeah... Why, yes...

She is almost as fair as the other one.

Splendid.

Thank you, ladies.

Settle down.

Now, I thought this morning, I might read to you from Fordyce's Sermons To Young Women.

What a treat. What a treat.

"Chapter One, The Home."

We're walking to Meryton to visit Aunt Phillips.

So long as Jane and Lizzy are willing to accompany you.

We most certainly are.

And Mr. Collins, of course.

Well, I should be delighted, but only if Mr. Bennet will consent to release me from my reading.

With a heavy heart, sir.

Mr. Bennet, I am susceptible to flattery, and you, sir, are very charming.

Come along, ladies.

Miss Elizabeth, how charming you look today.

Let us look in the shop windows of Meryton and we can buy some new pots and pans to take the place of your swords and daggers.

Is there some sort of trouble?

Oh, it appears there is.

Penny McGregor's carriage.

Help!

Someone's trapped inside.

Jane. Please!

There's been an accident!

Please help me! Anyone! Please!

Help!

There was a horrible accident,

but I survived.

I survived, Janey.

Not in the traditional sense of the word.

It appears Miss McGregor won't be delivering any more lamp oil.

I must confess, I was unaware that zombies possessed the required acuity to set such traps.

Before we know it, they'll be running for Parliament.

Come along.

Fantastic. We must try and make elevenses, actually.

Come along, Elizabeth. We mustn't dawdle, we can't be late.

Miss Bennet. Thank you, Mr. Collins.

Allow me.

Gallantry isn't dead. Come, come now. We mustn't be late.

Keep your eyes peeled for zombies!

No one walks alone!

This must be the extra militia they stationed here in Meryton.

On, Kitty, look at him.

Good day. How are you?

Kitty. Lydia. Hi.

Lieutenant Denny!

Who's that with him?

Miss Lydia Bennet and Miss Catherine Bennet. Lieutenant Wickham, who has just been assigned to our Meryton regiment to deal with the zombie resurgence.

I bet you're fearful handsome in your regimentals.

Kitty, Lydia.

Miss Jane Bennet, Miss Elizabeth Bennet, may I introduce...

George Wickham. He's a lieutenant.

This is our cousin, Mr. Collins.

Parson Collins.

Aren't we overdue at the Phillips'?

Walk us.

I fear I have a prior engagement.

Mr. Wickham?

Yes. Enchanted.

She is baking, so we mustn't be late. Lydia.

I said she is baking.

I was very keen to be on time because, apparently, Aunt Phillips' muffins are splendid, you see.

Is that so?

Yeah, and Lady Catherine herself abhors tardiness, and actually it's instilled me with a real sense of order.

Thank you for accompanying us and enduring my younger sisters.

It's my pleasure.

Are you going to be stationed here all winter, Mr. Wickham?

Well that depends entirely on what the manky dreadfuls have in store for us, Miss Bennet.

Mr. Bingley.

We were just on our way to Longbourn.

Mr. Bingley, you promised you'd throw a ball at Netherfield.

Are you quite recovered? She is.

Then I shall begin the preparations immediately for the most glorious ball Hertfordshire has ever seen.

Can Lieutenant Wickham come?

Of course, an invitation shall be sent to all my fellow officers.

Excuse me.

Good day, Miss Jane.

There you are, my beautiful nieces.

Please join us, Mr. Wickham.

No. Duty calls, I'm afraid.

I must know, Mr. Wickham, what is amiss between you and Mr. Darcy?

Are you much acquainted with him?

More than I wish to be.

He's been here for less than a month and is already the least popular man in the county.

Yes, it always gives me great pain to see him.

I have been connected with his family from infancy.

My father managed the late Mr. Darcy's estate.

Darcy and I grew up together.

His father treated me like a second son.

I cannot begin to do justice to his kindness.

He bequeathed me with the best living in his gift.

I had my heart set on joining the church.

But when he was slain in the Second Battle of Kent, Darcy ignored his wishes and gave my living to another man.

What could have induced him to behave so cruelly?

Pride.

He thought me too low to be worth his consideration.

I loved his father dearly, so, I can never expose Darcy or challenge him to a duel.

Come now, Lizzy!

We must plan our trip to the North Country.

I'll be right there.

Well, perhaps I shall see you at Mr. Bingley's ball?

Perhaps.

I'll be there.

Oh, dear.


Beg your pardon.


Mr. Wickham, you came.

As I said I would.

I feared that Mr. Darcy's presence would keep you away.

If Darcy wishes to avoid me, he must go, not I.

I have found you, Miss Bennet!

Sorry, and you are?

Wickham.

Mr. Wickham. I never forget a face, especially one as angelic as Miss Bennet's.

I do hope you haven't forgotten our dance?

Of course not, Parson Collins.

Oh, allow me. Thank you, Mr. Wickham.

Lady Catherine herself has praised me on my lightness of foot.

Wonder, sir, how you found the time to hone such delicacy in your steps.

Flattery will get you everywhere, Miss Bennet.

Dear...

The dance seems to be getting away with us.

I think it only right and proper that every clergyman should set the example for matrimony in the parish.

This is my favorite moment of the dance.

And now the party's in full swing.

Such splendor in the air.

A parson may no longer lead a chaste life, my fair cousin.

Mr. Collins, please keep your voice down.

Splendid.

Splendid work, everyone.

Thank you for your attention.

Everyone did valiantly.

Miss Bennet, it is my intention to remain very close to you throughout all the evening.

May I have the next dance? Yes.

Mr. Darcy, this is Mr. Collins.

Parson Collins. Parson Collins.

Your...

He's my cousin.

Mr. Darcy, I have made the most incredible discovery...

Nay. Tosh. An extraordinary discovery, sir.

You are the nephew of Lady Catherine de Bourgh.

I know.

Well, I know you know.

Allow me to do the honor of introducing myself...

Please excuse me. Please excuse me.

I am Parson Collins.

My humble abode abuts Her Ladyship's...

I predict a wedding in under three months.

He's such a charming young man, and so...

Well, rich.

Jane marrying Bingley is bound to throw her younger sisters in the way of other rich men.

And then...

Mother, it's time to go.

Don't be so impertinent.

Mr. Darcy overheard you.

What is Mr. Darcy to me, pray, that I should be afraid of him?

I can't find Papa or Lydia anywhere.

Papa will be in the library and I'll find that stupid girl.

Edwin, where is dessert?

Hello, Mrs... Hello, Miss Bennett.

Sir?

Sir?

We must find Darcy immediately.

There's no time.

Mr. Bingley.

Yes.

All the lanterns have been snuffed out.

Mind your step, Miss Bennet.

Mr. Bingley.

You're Mrs. Beacham's orphans.

We were, Miss Bennet.

How did you get in here?

Our new friend showed us the way in.

Mr. Darcy!


Was he bitten?

Was he bitten? No.

No, he fell and hit his head.

Bingley.

Bingley, wake up.

Come on, chap.

Your abilities as a warrior are beyond reproach, Mr. Darcy.

If only you were as good a friend.


"Dear Jane, we have decided to close down Netherfield

"and return to London.

"We are not sure when we shall return.“ The Bingleys just closed down the house and left?

I don't understand. Why would he not know when he is to return?

According to Caroline Bingley, "Mr. Darcy is impatient to see his sister.

"My brother admires her greatly already.

"He will now be seeing her frequently and on the most intimate footing.

"Am I wrong, my dearest Jane, in indulging the hope of an event

"which will secure the happiness of so many?"

Obviously, she knows her brother is in love with you, and wants him to marry Miss Darcy.

If Mr. Bingley truly loves me, nothing can keep us apart.

No one who has ever seen you together can doubt his affection.

I'm sure Mr. Bingley will be back soon.

And that there's a good reason for all this.

Ladies.

Good morrow.


Mr. Collins would like a private audience with your sister.

Lydia.

What, with Liz? Out. Out. Everyone out.

Mama, please, he has nothing to say. He can't...

Jane, please don't. Please, please...

Miss Elizabeth, as soon as I entered the house I singled you out as the companion for my future life.

Oh, no.

I am convinced marrying you will add very greatly to my happiness.

But, actually, I must add, I will of course require you to retire your warrior skills as part of the marital submission.

We absolutely can't have swords in the home.

And now, Miss Elizabeth, allow me to assure you in the most animated language of the violence, the sheer violence of my affections.

Sir, I am honored by your proposal. Thank you.

I am, but I regret, I must refuse.

Lizzy, I insist you marry Mr. Collins.

No!

Do not worry, Mr. Collins. She shall be brought to reason.

Oh, good. No.

Oh, no...

I'm terribly sorry.

Now, Elizabeth Bennet, you get back there. You get back there.

No. And you face up to your future...

Excuse me. Mr. Bennet!

You must come and make Lizzy marry Mr. Collins, for she refuses to have him!

Bugger.

Lizzy!

Lizzy, you will marry Mr. Collins or I shall never speak to you again!

You talk to her.

Lizzy! An unhappy alternative is before you.

Your mother will never speak to you again if you do not marry Mr. Collins.

And I will never speak to you again if you do.

Who will maintain you when your father is dead?

No one, Elizabeth Bennet!

You shall become a poor and pathetic spinster!

Anything.

Anything is to be preferred or endured rather than marrying without affection!

Lizzy.

Lizzy, don't go into the woods alone!

Lizzy!

I forbid you!


Elizabeth.

Mr. Wickham.

You vanished at the ball.

Yes.

I thought it would've been selfish of me to seek an encounter with Darcy.

Would've ruined the ball for anyone who witnessed it.

I am very sorry I lost the pleasure of dancing with you, though.

Did you happen to see four gentlemen pass this way?

In top hats? You saw them?

No, but they were undoubtedly pallbearers.

This is a cemetery.

Miss Bennet?

I want to take you somewhere very special to me.

It's a secret place I've never shown another living soul.

I stumbled upon it quite by accident when I was first stationed in The In-Between.

But somehow, I believe I was always destined to find it, Miss Bennet.


You go in. I'll join you after I see to my horse.

Don't be afraid.

I'm not.

"And I brought your fathers out of Egypt.

"And ye came unto the sea, "and the Egyptians crowded their fathers with chariots and horsemen

"to the Red Sea.

"And when they cried unto the Lord, "he put darkness between you and the Egyptians, "and brought this upon them.

"He that believeth in me, though he were dead, "yet shall he live."

You're quite rude.

"And Jesus cried out with a loud voice, "'Lazarus, come out!"'

No, don't! Don't.

It's all right.

It's all right.

"Happy are those who are called to his supper.

"The locusts have no king.

"Yet all of them go forth, marching in rank.

"What the cutting locust left, the swarming locust has eaten.

"What the swarming locust...

Brains. No. They're pigs' brains.

You have nothing to fear.

You see, if they never consume human brains they will never fully transform into zombies.

St. Lazarus is the key to finally ending the struggle between the living and the undead.

We must force some kind of understanding with the most advanced among them.

Well, surely the Crown will support such a venture.

The war has almost bankrupted Great Britain.

I know not where to turn.

It's only a matter of time before they outnumber us.

Rider at the gates!

Attention!

Liz? Charlotte?

I didn't know you were coming to visit.

I have some news.

I'm engaged to be married to Mr. Collins.

You must be surprised.

I'm not. I'm relieved.

I believe that my chance of happiness with him is as fair as most women can hope for.

And that's all you expect?

At 25, it's more than I expect.

Charlotte, if you're happy for you, then I am, too.

Well, I am to be presented to Lady Catherine and if I am to stay the night at Mr. Collins' rectory, I will require a chaperone.

Charlotte... She's said to be quite an imposing figure.

And the thought of facing her without you makes me deathly nervous.

So, please?

I'll come, but I have one stipulation.

Anything.

Now, when we meet Lady Catherine, a simple curtsey will suffice.

Maintain eye contact, but don't speak unless spoken to, please.

Lady Catherine's famed Black Guard.

They can't move.

Here, look at this, you could tickle him with a feather.

Lower the gates!

An extraordinary sight, is it not?

Such splendor.

Lady Catherine Smiting the Undead Lucifer.

Majestic.

Elizabeth Bennet.

The Four Horsemen of the Zombie Apocalypse.

When they appear, the end of days is neigh.

This way, miss.

Parson Collins, Miss Lucas, and Miss Bennet.

I'm sorry.

Lady Catherine.

Miss De Bourgh.

Lady Catherine.

So you are Elizabeth Bennet.

Yes. I am, Your Ladyship.

This is my daughter.

Well, it's very kind of you to invite us over for tea, Lady Catherine. Really.

Very grateful.

Mr. Darcy?

Miss Bennet.

You know my nephew?

Yes, I had the tremendous pleasure of meeting him in Hertfordshire.

Mr. Wickham.

Is this the soldier you spoke of? Yes.

Miss Bennet requested he attend, that he might confer with Your Ladyship about a strategy with which to combat the scourge.

A lieutenant? Really?

Indeed.

And tea is brought up.

Shall we? Delighted to.

Please.

I have given you entry to the wealthiest woman in the kingdom.

The rest is up to you.

Your Ladyship has perhaps heard that some of the stricken have not succumbed to the urge to feed upon the living, and in so doing have maintained their human ways.

And they have managed to resist this most primal of zombie urges, how?

Their iron-clad constitutions?

Yes, fortified by religious piety and pigs' brains, which they receive in communion as the blood of Christ.

The pig brains quench their appetite for human brains.

Yes, of course.

The Crown's funds have been drained.

You're here to solicit money?

I am here to propose a venture that would end the war forever.

These new zombies can be reasoned with.

With the proper funding, I believe we can cultivate trust and even goodwill with this new iteration of the undead, who seem to possess an inherent power over the lower ranks of their kind.

Zombie aristocrats?

Oh, yeah.

I prefer to think of them as souls lost in purgatory.

The common hordes look to them for leadership.

It takes just one of them to realize their power and then to lead the hordes into battle...

The undead are like locusts. Locusts.

They go forth and destroy. They have no use for leaders.

Except one. Actually.

Well, according to the Book of Revelation, actually, the Antichrist shall lead the undead on the day that shall be the last day of mankind.

How cheery, Collins. Thank you, Lady Catherine.

Very generous. Franklin, are there more scones?

If we could negotiate with this select group of...

Aristocrats? To what end?

A treaty. Appeasement?

Never.

Well, then the human race is surely doomed.

Your Ladyship, the undead will always multiply faster than the living can procreate.

Nine months to make a baby, then 16 years to make a soldier, and one raw second to make a zombie.

You must realize, if they were to organize, we cannot defeat them.

The only hope is to find a way to coexist with them, before they find their Antichrist.

The late Mr. Darcy would have supported such a venture.

I have tolerated your presence here long enough, Wickham.

Guards.

Please do remember this moment, and the opportunity so glibly spurned.

The day of the zombie has already broken.

Wake and face the light, or slumber into oblivion.

Mr. Darcy, you are as unfeeling as the undead.

My word, you give your opinion very decidedly for so young a person.

Indeed, Lady Catherine.

Well, I would like to say how dutifully behaved I think Lady Anne has been this morning.

A real credit to the crest, actually.

Would you like a scone, dear?


I didn't mean to frighten you.

You didn't.

No. Of course not.

Rosings is the safest place in England.

You see, that's the problem.

Aristos feel invincible within their great houses, but how wrong they are.

Their hubris will be their downfall.

"Downfall"?

You act as if the undead had already defeated us.

I think you and I understand each other, Liz Bennet.

Well, the way you championed me earlier, I thought...

Mr. Darcy's treatment of you has been utterly despicable, but...

No more despicable than his treatment of you and your family.

I don't understand you, sir.

It was Darcy that persuaded Bingley to stay clear of your sister and leave Netherfield.

Why?

Because he believes your sister be inferior to his friend.

Darcy also convinced Bingley that she is after his fortune and doesn't truly love him.

How could you possibly know this?

Men talk.

Darcy brags about it with his intimates.

Miss Bennet, run away with me.

You have crossed a line, sir.

We're far beyond lines now, Miss Bennet.

Take heed of the parson, Miss Bennet.

The day of reckoning is upon us.


Charlotte?

Charlotte?


Mr. Darcy. Miss Bennet.

You've finally arisen. How fortuitous.

There are some words I must say.

Please do be seated.

Miss Bennet, although I know many consider you to be decidedly inferior, as a matter of your birth, your family, and your circumstances, my feelings will not be repressed.

In vain have I struggled.

I have come to feel for you a most ardent admiration and regard, which has overcome my better judgment.

So now I ask you most fervently to end my turmoil and consent to be my wife.

If I could feel gratitude, I would now thank you, but I cannot.

I never desired your good opinion, and you have certainly bestowed it most unwillingly.

Might I be informed why, with so little endeavor at civility, I am rejected?

You intentionally ruined the happiness of my most beloved sister.

Do you deny it? I have no wish to deny it.

I did everything in my power to separate my friend from your sister.

How could you?

Because I perceived his attachment to her to be far deeper than hers to him.

I believed her to be indifferent.

Indifferent'? She's shy!

Did you suggest to Mr. Bingley that his fortune had some bearing on the matter?

I wouldn't do your sister the dishonor, though it was suggested.

By Miss Bingley?

By your mother, at the ball.

Your character was revealed to me many months ago by Wickham as I heard of his scandalous misfortunes at your hand.

Oh, yeah. Mr. Wickham's misfortunes have been very great indeed.

You withhold the advantages that you know were designed for him.

This is your opinion of me?

Then I thank you for explaining it so fully.

You could not have made the offer of your hand in any possible way that would have tempted me to accept it.

I had not known you a month before I felt you were the last man in the world whom I could ever be prevailed on to marry.

You've said quite enough, madam.

I fully comprehend your feelings and now I have only to be ashamed of what my own have been.

Please forgive me, and accept my best wishes for your health and happiness.

Hello. Good afternoon. Wonderful to be back.

Heavens.

What happened, Lizzy?

This is an antique. Irreplaceable.

Lady Catherine herself delivered this to me.

Mr. Darcy... -it's from the shores of China.

Mr. Darcy came by the cottage?

Came here?

Fabulous.

This will need clearing up, Elizabeth.


"Dear Miss Elizabeth Bennet,

"I am not writing to renew the sentiments which were so disgusting to you, "but to address the two offenses that you accuse me of.

"I did not intentionally wound your sister.

"It was a most unfortunate consequence of protecting my dearest friend.

"Mr. Bingley's feelings for Miss Bennet

"were beyond any I had ever witnessed in him, or indeed even thought him capable of.

"The evening of the dance at Netherfield, "after overbearing your mother coldly state her intention

"of having all her daughters marry favorably, "I persuaded Bingley of the unfitness of the match.

"If I have wounded Miss Bennet's feelings, it was unknowingly done.

"As to your other accusation, of having injured Mr. Wickham, "no sooner had my father made clear his intention

"to leave Mr. Wickham a handsome sum, "than Mr. Darcy was mysteriously infected by the plague.

"It was left to me, his son, to provide a merciful ending.

"Still, I gave Wickham the inheritance my father left.

"Wickham squandered it.

"Whereupon he demanded more and more money, "until I eventually refused.

"Thereafter he severed all ties with me.

"Last summer, he began a relationship with my 15-year-old sister

"and convinced her to elope.

"Mr. Wickham's prime target was her inheritance of £30,000, "but revenging himself on me was a strong additional inducement.

"Fortunately, I was able to persuade my sister of Mr. Wickham's ulterior motives

"before it was too late.

"I hope this helps explain

"and perhaps mitigate my behavior in your eyes.

"Of all the weapons in the world, "I now know love to be the most dangerous.

"For! have suffered a mortal wound.

"When did I fall so deeply under your spell, Miss Bennet?

"I cannot fix the hour or the spot

"or the look or the words which laid the foundation.

"I was in the middle before I knew I had began.

"What a proud foo! I was.

"I have faced the harsh truth, "that I can never hope to win your love in this life, "and so have sought solace in combat.

"I write to you from the siege of London.

"There is now a cunning design to the zombie attacks.

"I sense a dark hand is at work here, guiding the enemy, Miss Bennet.

"By taking London, they've increased their ranks a hundredfold."

Come on, lads!

"Now we endeavor to keep them trapped within the great wall."

This wasn't the random act of some mindless horde.

They've struck the Palace and both Houses.

They cut off our head before we could cut off theirs.

Keep fighting.

Come on, men!

"If we should fail to contain them and they breach Hingham Bridge, "it'll be as if a great dam has broken, and they'll reach Hertfordshire swiftly.

"And in overwhelming numbers.

"Dear Miss Bennet, I implore you to be ready."

Lizzy!

Liz! Jane!

Jane... Jane, what is it?

Wickham's run off with Lydia.

She's barely more than a child.

I never could have imagined the man to be so improper, to be such a Haggard.

What are we to do?

St. Lazarus.

I know where she is.

You have a very small estate here.

And yet we endure it.

I have urgent business to attend to.

A falsehood of a most scandalous nature has reached me, that you intend to be united with my own nephew, Mr. Darcy.

Is this true?

I do not possess your frankness, Your Ladyship.

You may ask questions, I may not choose to answer.

Let me be rightly understood, Miss Bennet.

Darcy has been promised since infancy to my daughter.

Well, then you can have no reason to suppose he made me an offer.

Are you engaged to him or not?

I'm not.

And will you promise me never to enter into such an engagement?

I will make no such promise.

Then I shall protect the dignity of a far superior man.

Do you dare to face me in combat?

I do not.

For to take arms against you, My Lady, would be to take arms against England.

Quite right.

My proxy will have to suffice.

Wilhelm.

Miss Bennet, do you concede?

I do not.

My courage always rises at every attempt to intimidate me.


Do you still refuse to oblige me?

I do!


I do not know which I admire more, Elizabeth Bennet.

Your skill as a warrior, or your resolve as a woman.

St. Lazarus is in The In-Between, Papa.

You'll never make it. Lydia's honor is at stake.

Stop him, Liz. He's going after Lydia and Wickham.

Wait, Papa.

What's right to do cannot be done too soon.

But you don't even know where she is. I do.

I promise you I won't forsake Lydia.

I'll go with you.

No, you must stay here to help protect Longbourn.

Ride at once. Both of you.

I will take the rest of your family back with me to Rosings.

There's no safer place in England.

Collect your people.

The bridge is closed!

It's too dangerous to cross.

All of London's fallen to the zombies.

We have urgent business on the other side.

This bridge is rigged with all the explosives left in England.

It's to be detonated tomorrow at dawn when the last squadron withdraw from The In-Between.

Our boys can't hold them much longer.

If the undead of London take the bridge, well, the rest of England will surely be lost.

Nevertheless, we must cross over.

Zombie protocol is in effect!

One, seek out and destroy any remaining undead.

Two, any of the fallen with intact skulls must have their brains perforated or crushed to ensure they do not rise again as the undead!

Bloody hell... Fie, damnable scarf!

Hello, Miss Bennet.


Potter's field.

Yes. Quite.

Pardon?

This. What we're standing on, it's an unmarked zombie graveyard.

Yes. Of course.

Miss Bennet, what possible cause could the two of you have for leaving Hertfordshire and entering into The In-Between?

If adventures will not befall a young lady in her own village, she must seek them abroad.

We had no choice.

Wickham has run off with Lydia.

He has taken her to where his "zombie aristocrats" congregate.

St. Lazarus.

St. Lazarus?

I know it well.

I saw it razed to the ground five days ago.

Your sister couldn't possibly have survived.

I'm profoundly sorry for your loss.

Colonel Darcy.

We need you at the command tent.

I fear I must depart for Hingham Bridge immediately.

Of course.

Let's see how reasonable his aristocrats are after their appetites have been whet.

On my mark.

Now.

Dawn breaks at 5:00 tomorrow.

I'll make it back.

Of course you will, old man.

The order must be given at first light.

No matter what.

I'll give the order.


I fear I should not have confided in Darcy.

Fear the hordes of ravenous unmentionables that are swarming our way.

Liz, London has already fallen and the Grand Barrier burns as we speak.

Hingham Bridge is behind us.

London's over there.

Which direction are you looking in, Mr. Bingley?

St. Lazarus?

Darcy lied... To spare you.

He'd risk anything for you, Miss Bennet.

Lizzy!

Lizzy!

Don't hang about.

Go on.

Zombies wouldn't do that.

Oh, my. Aye.

Who would steal the brains of dead soldiers?

Almighty Lazarus, to whom all souls are opened.

Breathe life into our hearts, by the insertion of your divine spirit.

"I am the resurrection and the life.

"He that believeth in me..."


Mr. Darcy... -it's all right.

He said you'd come. Wickham said you'd come.

Mr. Darcy...

The bastard.

My God, you're so predictable.

I knew by taking young Lydia, you'd have to protect the Bennets' honor.

So, come to kill me then, Fitz?

On the contrary, I've come to make you an offer.

The Bennets have authorized me to offer you a commission of£10,000 to return Lydia and leave England for good.

How very noble of you to deliver the Bennets' offer, Fitz, but I'm afraid my answer is no.

And is there no financial inducement that could convince you to do the honorable thing, George?

None.

You see, money is of no use to me now.

Is that your father's watch?

Yes.

Give it to me.

No.

Bloody hell!

Brains!

Mr. Darcy, please!

What have you done, Darcy?

I fed them!

Godspeed, Georgie.


All of you, go to the bridge! Now! Go to the bridge!

Lydia, listen to me. You have to get across Hingham Bridge.

But, Mr. Darcy, you have to come.

As long as Wickham lives, England is in peril. Go, Lydia. Go!

All of you, Hingham Bridge!

I conquered London, Darcy.

Did you really think you could defeat me?

I always have.

You're a traitor, George.

No, Fitz. I'm a king!

My God.

Lydia!

Lydia!


It's time, sir.

So it is.

Rider! Wait!

Lydia, where are the others?


You fool. I've been one of them all along.

If I had the living your father intended me, I never would have been in the army, I never would have been infected.

This is your doing, Darcy!

Suppressing my hunger was easy.

They needed God, I had my hatred of you to sustain me.

The Four Horsemen have risen from Hell!

The zombie apocalypse is here.

I am the one the undead have been waiting for.

The one to lead them.

Every life I take, every atrocity I commit, is on your head!

Keep your eyes peeled, lads!

We can't delay any longer, sir. No!

The undead will have reached the bridge soon, and then it will be too late.

They're not back yet! You must wait, Bingley!

Detonate the bridge.

Give the order. Give the order.

Yes, sir.

Four!

Three!

Two !

One!

Liz!

Liz!


Mr. Darcy.


The very first moment I beheld you, my heart was irrevocably gone.


Raise the gates!

Lady Catherine, might I take this opportunity to compliment you on your pantaloons?

And your eye patch. It's very fetching. Is it function or fashion?

Function.

Your Ladyship.

Guess who's speaking with Papa in the library? It's...

Mr. Bingley.

Lady Catherine.

Well, this is all rather embarrassing, but I would like to request the privilege of speaking with Miss Jane.

Alone.

Mr. Darcy.

My favorite nephew, you lay unconscious for so long, that when we'd heard you'd risen, we'd feared you'd joined the ranks of the undead.

Any word from the Canal?

It's holding for the time being.

Yes!

Jane said yes.

Would you excuse me?

Quick! Quick, quick!

This is so exciting!

Jane!

Keep going! Hurry up, Lydia!

Miss Bennet.

Mr. Darcy.

You look as though you're fully mended.

I am. Thank you.

If it wasn't for you, I'd have surely perished.

You have saved me in more ways than one.

What you said to me on Hingham Bridge...

You heard me?

I did.

It gave me hope.

Of what?

That your feelings towards me may have changed.

However, one word from you now will silence me on the subject forever.


You are the love of my life, Elizabeth Bennet.

So I ask you now, half in anguish, half in hope,

will you do me the great, great honor of taking me for your husband?

Yes.

Yes.

Dearly beloved, we are gathered here today in the sight of God to join together this man and this woman, and this man and this woman, in holy matrimony.

I now pronounce you man and wife, and man and wife.

You may now kiss, Mr. Darcy... The brides.

You may now kiss the brides.


Thank you. Thank you.

Thank you for coming.

I'm so happy!


Ring around the rosie A pocket full of posies A-tishoo! A-tishoo!

We all fall down Walking through the forest A monster stands before us Another, then, another They all rise up Ring around the zombies Lift your musket calmly Bludgeon! Bludgeon!

They all fall down Ring around the city Infection is a pity Your brother or your mother Will gladly break your crown Ring around the rosie A pocket full of posies A-tishoo! A-tishoo!

We all fall down