Private Lessons (1981) Script

Don't do that. Why not?

Because. Because why?

Because I don't want you to touch me there. Why not?

Because I said so.

Just let me put my hand there. I won't even move it.

Promise? I swear to God.

All right then. All right then.

I thought you said you weren't gonna do that.

I thought you promised.

So I lied.

Don't do that. Why not?

Because. Because what?

Because I don't want you to. I told you.

What is wrong with my just keeping my hand there and not moving it?

But you don't just keep your hand there without moving it.

I will this time. I don't believe you.

I promise. You promised last time.

I had my fingers crossed.

For the last time, don't do that.

Don't do what? You know damn well what.

No, I don't. I am doing nothing.

Well, then stop doing nothing.


Boy, your sister Joyce sure is sexy.

Yeah, but she looked even better before she bleached her hair.

I still think she's sexy.

I still say she's a creep.

Whoa!


Would you mind doing that someplace else?

It's my house, you know? It's my party.

Boy, that Miss Phipps sure takes her chaperone real seriously.

She's a bigger drag at parties than she even is at school.

But she's still the sexiest teacher at school. Yeah, and the most uptight.

At least they're not enjoying it.

Get on the ground. What's going on here?

Just keep quiet.

What are you looking at?

Oh!

Joyce, she's taking off all her clothes.

Come on. Let me see.

Whoa!

Oh, wow!

Look at this!

Uh-oh! Philly! What?

What? Yipes!

Oh, hi, Miss Phipps.

Philly, what are you doing? Exercise.

One... and two...

Are you all right? Yeah.

Philly... were you peeking at a girl in the bathroom?

No, I was exercising.

I know it's normal for a boy your age to be curious about the other sex. Yes, ma'am.

Philly, the thing is to find girls whose age is more appropriate for you.

Yes, ma'am.

Let's go back to the party and find someone for you to dance with.

And we were supposed to go on a fishing trip to Canada this week.

How come you didn't? My dad has a dumb business trip to take first.

Now I have to wait three lousy weeks.

You wouldn't have had much fun anyway. Aw, sure I would.

Philly!

Yeah? What about lunch?

I'm gonna eat at the airport with my dad. All right.

At what time would you like to have your dinner then?

About 7:00 I guess. Won't that be too late?

No. All right then.

Whatever you say, sir.

That's your new housekeeper, Miss Mallow? Yeah.

How old do you think she is?

I don't know. 25 or 30. Old, but not as old as the rest we've had.

Think she puts out? I dunno. Maybe.

Morning, Philly. Oh, morning, Mr. Green.

Think she'll do it for the gardener? I dunno. Maybe.

Think she'll do it for the chauffer?

Lester the frou? Nobody would do it for him.

I think I'd better walk you to the gate. Yeah, I think you'd better.

Think she'd do it for you?

For me? Yeah.

Definitely. Well, maybe.

Well, if you strike out with her, just remember to send her over to me, okay?

What are you, crazy? You wouldn't even get up to bat.

Yeah, that's what you think.

Green, please stay away from the car. I just washed it.

Sure.

Do you see what you've done here?

Yeah.

Is that all that you have to say to me? No.

You got a pile of shit on that car.

Mm-hmm. I'll tell you some--


Hi, Joyce.

Oh. Hi, Philly.

Can't you children find someplace else to play?

Go find someplace else yourself. We were here first.

Boy, what a creep she is.

Thank you.

I should have gone to camp this summer just to get away from her.

How come you didn't? How come?

'Cause I gotta go on this goddamn cruise with my parents and my creepy sister to goddamn Honolulu.

We're gonna learn the goddamn hula-hula.

Pretty good.

Sherman, would you boys like something to eat?

No.

Thank you.

Guess how old she is. How old?

1 10!

I wonder what she looks like.

What do you mean "what she looks like"?

I mean under her uniform.

My housekeeper?

No, my housekeeper. Miss Mallow.

You're sick.

You take care of everything while I'm away, Philly.

You're the man of the house now, you know.

Right.

Philly, I wish your mother were alive so she could see how well you can handle yourself now.

Well, anyway, you listen to Lester and show the new housekeeper the ropes.

You think you can handle her?

Right. Good.

Lester, for God sakes, don't treat my luggage like that.

I'm very sorry, Mr. Fillmore.

There are some important things in there. Are you aware of that?

Yes, I am relentlessly aware of that, sir.

Thank you, Lester. Well--

So, I guess there's nothing else.

We'll just say good-bye.

Don't do anything I wouldn't do.

Have a good trip, Dad.

Thanks.


What are we stopping here for?

I mean, isn't this the servant's entrance?

Yes.

Don't you usually drop me off in front of the house?

Usually.

So?

So, this time I didn't.

Will you be getting out here then, Philly?

Thank you, Philly.


Philly?

Do you mind if we talk?

What about?

Things in general.

Like what?

I don't know. Whatever you like.

Like what do you do with your time?

Not too much, I guess.

What is there for me to do in this area on my nights off?

I don't know. There's a movie theater downtown, a drugstore and a couple of bars, I guess.

Not too much really.

What did the other girls do on their nights off?

I mean the other housekeepers.

The other housekeepers aren't exactly what you'd call girls.

They were mostly elderly women.

Their nights off, they mostly went to sleep.

You mean your previous housekeepers have been elderly women mostly?

Mm-hmm.

That must not have been too interesting for you.

What do you mean?

I mean it must not have been too interesting for a young man of 15, is it?

Going on 16. I'm not sure I got your point. What do you mean?

It must not have been so interesting to sit across from your elderly housekeepers and look up their dresses like you're looking up mine right now.

Why do you say things like that?

Well, why shouldn't I?

Because they embarrass me, that's why.

Philly, I was only teasing you.

Did you have a good time?

Oh, yeah. Very good.

Hey, I did not want to embarrass you. Really.

All right. Will you forgive me?

I don't know.

I planned to do some shopping this afternoon. Can you drop me at the store?

Well, Miss Mallow, I suppose.

I do have an appointment at 10:00. I can't be late, but sure.

I'd really appreciate that.

But can I change out of my uniform first? Is that all right?

It's fine. Just don't be all day about it.

Thank you.


Thank you for waiting, Lester.


Well, Nicole, how is everything going?

Just fine, Lester.

You seem to be getting along with Philly very well.

So when are you gonna get it on with him?

I don't know. You don't know?

Now listen, sweet pants, Mr. Fillmore's trip is a short one and this whole thing has to be over and done with by the time he gets back.

But, Lester, he's just a 15-year-old boy.

15 is the perfect age.

Just think, you're giving him private lessons-- an advanced education.

I just feel bad about it.

If you don't do it, you're gonna feel a lot worse.

Is this a threat, Lester?

That is exactly what it is.

Philly, don't leave it there.

What?

I said don't leave your bike there.

Why not?

It's not safe.

Why not? It might get run over, disfigured, mangled beyond recognition.

By who?

Careless motorists.

Well, there aren't any motorists in this driveway... except you.

Go!

I'm up.

Take the stuff. Okay.

Got it? I'm coming up.

Okay.

Ow! You okay?

Yeah. Give me the camera.

Okay.

Keep quiet. Now, on three.

Okay. Okay.

One...two...three. Go!

You okay? Yeah, I'm fine.

Okay. My stomach helped me.

Here she comes.

Okay. Oh, yes.

She's unbuttoning her uniform! This'll be great!

Oh, yes! She's doin' it!

Oh, yes! This is gonna be terrific. Clean underwear.

There she goes.

Go!

Oh, this is gonna be terrific.

Hit the deck!

Okay.

Just check.

What'll it be now?

Is she gone? I'm afraid to look.

Aw, damn it!

Oh, no.

Damn it! What a wasted night!

I hope you haven't been upsetting her.

What? Miss Mallow.

I hope you haven't been upsetting her.

She shouldn't be upset.

Why not?

Her heart. She had a mild attack on her last job.

That's why she had to leave.

You're kidding me.

You mean she didn't tell you?

No.

Really? I thought you two told each other everything.


Whoa!


What's the matter with you today, Philly?

Huh?

You've hardly said a word to me all day.

Oh.

Are you mad at me for teasing you for looking up my dress?

No.

Are you sure? Yeah.

Well, then what is it?

I dunno.

Are you too tired to talk to me?

I guess so.

Hard day on the old bike, huh?


Come inside, dear.

Well, well, well.

Yes, well, big deal.

If you want to watch me undress so badly, why don't you tell me?

What?

I said if you want to watch me undress so badly, you should have told me.

What do you mean?

Well, do you want to watch me undress?

Well, sure.

I guess so.

Go and close the door. What?

I said close the door.

I'm not sure I got you right.

Did you want me in or out?

Well, do you want to watch me undress?

I guess so. Well, in then.

Have a seat.

Ready?


You still with me, Philly?

Pardon? Do you still want me to continue?

Yeah. Yes, please.

Not growing bored?

Are you sure?

Oh, yes.

Well?

Huh?

What do you think of them?

Huh?

My breasts, how do you like them?

Oh...nice.

They're very nice.

Well?

Would you like to touch them?

Touch them?

Yes.

No. Not right now.

Thank you.

Are you sure?

Yeah. Maybe later.

Okay.

But you still want me to continue though.

Yes, please.

Here.


Here.

I think I'd better go now.

Oh, so soon?

You won't stay?

No. I'm sorry. I don't think so.

Oh, what a pity.

All right. Good night, Philly.

Good night.

And thank you. I really enjoyed it. No. Thank you.

We should do this again sometime.

Yeah. Thank you.


Oh, Philly, it's you.

Hi, Florence.

Sherman, it's for you!

Isn't it a little late for visitors? We're makin' milkshakes in the kitchen.

Great. You'll never guess what just happened to me.

What? You wanna guess?

No. Oh.

Oh, you boys have business you wanna discuss?

Excuse me.

Get out of here, you creep.

So, what's up? Oh.

Okay. Well, about ten minutes ago, I'm walking past Miss Mallow's bedroom, and she stops me in the hall and asks me if I wanna come inside.

Yeah?

So I say "sure" and I go inside.

Then she asks me if I wanna watch her strip naked.

Naked?

Yeah. So I say "sure" and so she does.

She takes off all her clothes.

Everything. And I mean everything.

So then what?

What do you mean "so then what?"

So then I came here to tell you.

Are you kidding me?

Hey, why do you think I'm kidding you?

I suppose you screw your housekeeper every goddamn night!

Not every night.

Oh, you and old Florence make a great couple. You know that.

Yeah? Is something wrong?

No. No, why?

Are you embarrassed about last night?

No. Why?

Are you sure you're not embarrassed about seeing me naked last night?

No. Why do you ask?

Why don't you come and visit me tonight after I've finished with the dishes?

We could talk.

Sherm, Philly, I want you boys to work on your backhand today.

Hey, hey! I don't want you peeking in the girls locker room anymore either, huh?

Huh? Okay.

Go out and get 'em.

Boy, that guy is weird!

Yeah, him and Lester would make a great couple.

He's okay. He could have gotten us thrown out of the club.

What? For just copping a peek at the girls? Sure.

If we could have got thrown out for that, what you did with Mallow could have gotten you arrested.

Shut up and play tennis, huh? Okay.

Aw, damn it!

Oh, I don't know!

Oh, Sherman, pick up the balls.

I mean, you're very impatient.

Now you ready?

Yeah. Here it comes!

You moron!

You stupid moron! That hurt!

Okay, come on. Hit the ball.

Hey, Philly, were old Mallow's knockers this big?

What?

You know that's not fair. You know that? Too bad!

All right. Come on. Hit it.

How come you didn't touch 'em?

I didn't know how.

You just grab 'em like this and squeeze.

How the hell would you know?

When was the last time you saw a knocker?

Hey, Philly, Sue Ellen Turner will let you look at hers for a dollar.

How come you didn't touch 'em? Huh, big boy?

Well, she's gotta be in the mood.

Besides, I'm a leg man.

You know you're crazy.

You ready? Yeah!

You ready again?

Yeah, come on. Let's go.

Backhand, Philly.

Backhand. Yes, sir, Mr. Travis.

Pathetic.

Let's go. Hit it.

Be sure and tell me about tonight, lover boy.

Come in.

Hi.

I looked for you in your room and you weren't there.

You said you wanted to talk to me?

Come in, Philly. Come in.

What are you doing in my father's bathtub?

Oh, I don't think he would have minded my using his primie.

Do you? No, I guess not.

Would you like to wash my back?

Well...


Would you like to join me?

Would I like to what?

Take a bath with me?

You mean in there with you right now?

Mm-hmm.

Why don't you try it?

Maybe you'll like it.

Well, I probably wouldn't even fit in there.

Oh, yes you would.

I promise.

You mean you want me to take off all my clothes and everything?

Do you usually wear them when you take a bath?

No, not usually.

Oh, come on, Philly.

I won't even look.

I don't know.

Oh, come on. It will be an adventure.

Well...all right.

Good.

Hey, where are you going?

To get undressed.

Well, hello.

Hi.

Don't you want to take your robe off and join me?

Okay, just a sec.

Bathing trunks?

Well, that's marvelous.

Won't you take them off?

No.

Well, all right then.

Come in the bath with your bathing trunks.

Now be careful.

Be careful. Watch it.

I'll wash your shoulder.

Well, how does that feel?

Are you sure you don't want to take them off?

Okay, under one condition.

And what's that?

That we put out the lights.

It's a deal.

Be careful.

Be careful.

Can I help you? No thanks.

I think I'd better go now.

Philly, wait a second.

Wait a second, will you? What?

I'm sorry.

Will you forgive me?

Okay.

Hey, prove it.

How?

By sleeping with me tonight.

No thanks.

Why not?

Well, I tried it once before in summer camp and I know for a fact that you can't get a good night's sleep when someone else is in the same bunk with you.

Well, thank you. It's been a lovely evening.

Just to show that there's no hard feelings, would you kiss me good night?

Okay.

Is it all right if I kiss you good night?

I guess so.

Bath! Are you kidding?

Give me your hand.

Who the heck takes baths with other people?

Except for the Japanese I mean.

Have you heard of any?

No. Nobody except the Japanese.

Did you touch 'em? What?

Her knockers, did you touch them?

Well, sort of. What do you mean "sort of'?

Thank you. Did you or didn't you?

Well, not with my hands. With my elbows.

Doesn't that get broads hot, touching their knockers, even with your elbows?

I don't know.

Aw, to hell with this.

Nice girls let you touch their knockers if they like you or if they're going steady with you.

If they let you get any farther than that, either they have to be a whore or they're married to you, isn't that right?

I don't know.

Hey, Philly, stay out of my sun, all right?

Hey, Philly, you wanna know what I think? What?

I think Miss Mallow's a whore. No, she's not.

Yes, she is. No, she's not.

Just because she took a bath with me doesn't make her a whore.

Lots of people take baths with other people. Who?

The Japanese. You said so yourself.

Maybe she's part Japanese?

Hey, Philly, wanna know what else I think?

What? I think you're falling for her.

You're crazy. No, I'm not.

Well, Sherman. What?

Listen, Sherman.

What?

Do you think that if a guy touches a woman's knockers-- not on a date, but in his own house-- think it would still count as getting to second base?

With his hands or with his elbows?

With his hands. No, I think it has to be on a real date.

Don't do anything I wouldn't do.


Excuse me.

I'm sorry. Excuse me.

Excuse me. Oh, excuse me, I'm--

Oh, hi, Joyce.

Hi. Come on.


Don't you think she's one of the most fantastic creatures?

I like you better. You'll make me blush.

Hold on a second.

- Hello? Hello, son.

Oh, hi, Dad.

- How you doin', Philly? Great. Just great.

Good. Good. Well, it's going pretty good here too, and I've got a lot to tell you when I get back.

By the way, how's the new bike working out? Any snags?

- Oh, no. The bike's just fine. Oh, that's good.

Glad to hear it. And Miss Mallow, is she working out okay too?

Oh, yes. Miss Mallow's working out fine too.

Oh, good.

Put her on, will you?

- You want to talk to her? Yeah.

She's not here right now. She's in the john.

What's so funny?

Oh, nothing, Dad.

Oh. Well, Philly, look.

I'm gonna have to get off the phone now.

I've got a lot of work to do before tomorrow's meeting.

Say good night to Miss Mallow for me, will you?

Okay, I'll say good night to Miss Mallow for you, Dad.

- And you take care now, huh? Okay, Dad.

- Okay, son. Good night. Good night, Dad.


Let me help you.

Thank you.

Listen.

Are we going to... you know?

Would you like to?

Except for one thing.

What?

Well, I don't really know how.

Well, I might be able to show you.

Good.

I'd just like to say one thing before we start.

What? That I respect you.

I don't think that you're a whore or anything like that.

That's very sweet of you, Philly.

I'd also say that I'm prepared to marry you... whenever you say.

Oh, you don't have to say that.

No, I'm not just saying that. I'm not just handing you a line or anything.

I wanna marry you.

Oh, Philly, listen to me.

A man and a woman should only get married when they want to raise a family together or they want to live together.

What's wrong with that?

A man and a woman should only get married when they love each other.

But I do love you.

Don't you love me?

I guess so. But you don't want to marry me.

Is that it? I didn't say that.

You didn't say that, but that's what you were thinking, isn't it?

Some silly-ass little kid has just told you that he loves you and wants to marry you.

It's probably all you can do to keep from laughing out loud.

Philly, you're wrong. I'm not wrong.

I should have kept my big mouth shut.

You what?

You asked her to marry you?

What are you, sick?

I know. I should have played it cool, strung her along a while.

That's the way you have to treat women.

So tell me, did you get to second base?

Oh, yeah, sure. Was it fun?

Oh, sure. You know.

But why'd you have to ask her to marry you? What?

If she's that easy, she's probably a whore.

She is not a whore. Is too.

Is not.


Listen. I just wanted to apologize for the way I've been acting.

Guess I've been acting very juvenile lately, and I'm sorry.

Okay?

Well, I guess we might just go steady for a while.

Fantastic!


I love that dress you're wearing.

It's really beautiful. Thank you.

Well, where do you plan to take me tonight?

I have this little place that I know. I think you'll enjoy it.

Oh, Lester seems to be in a good mood.

So am I.

Hop in.

Thank you for the corsage. It's truly beautiful.

Oh, glad you like it.


And the Chateaubriand for two.

Thank you. Thank you.

And I think I'll have a glass of white wine to go with it.

Madame is perhaps mistaken.

With the red meat we have the red wine.

Excuse me. The lady prefers the white wine.

I'd like you to bring her what she prefers.

Whatever you say, monsieur. You are the boss, no?

For he's a jolly good fellow For he's a jolly good fellow For he's a jolly good fellow Which nobody can deny

Monsieur wish some dessert?

The Napoleon peut-etre?

The rhum au baba? The mousse au chocolat?

The mousse is very nice for you, madame.

It is, how you say, succulent.

No. Thank you very much. We've had enough.

Monsieur wishes a coffee?

The tea? The espresso?

The cappuccino? The Sanka brand decaffeinated coffee?

The cappuccino is very nice for you, madame.

No, thank you. Really, we've had enough.

Madame wishes the after-dinner liqueur?

The Kahlua, the Sambuca, the Aparet?

I said we've had enough.

Ah, ah, ah.

Monsieur wishes the after-dinner mint. The Frango mint.

The check. May we just have the check please?


Thank you, Lester.

And thank you for a lovely evening. You're welcome.

Did you believe that waiter with his funny accent?

Oh, God. I'm so proud of you.

You're a real gentleman, you know?

Miss Mallow...

I love you.

Ouch!

Oh, sorry.

Philly, turn on the lights, will you?


Excuse me, but am I hurting you?

Miss Mallow, are you okay?

Miss Mallow?

Miss Mallow?

Oh, no.

Miss Mallow?

Oh, my God! She's dead!

Philly, what is it? What is it?

What is it? I killed--

Calm down. I killed her.

Philly, what are you saying? I killed Miss Mallow!

Come on.


She's dead.

I want to know how this happened, Philly.

I want to know what filthy thing you were doing. I want you to tell me.

It must have been her heart.

She said she had a weak heart.

Operator, get me the police.

Don't!

Please don't tell them I did it! Hold please.

What do you want me to tell them? That I did it?

Or that she did it herself?

They're not going to believe that, you know.

Don't tell them anything! You don't have to call them!

Please hang up the phone, Lester! I'll do anything! Please just help me!

Very well.

May I suggest we begin by covering her up?

Perhaps we should put her somewhere where it's cool so she doesn't rot too quickly.

What are you gonna do with all this food? Won't it spoil?

Would you rather the food spoil or Miss Mallow spoil?

Well, that should be sufficient.

Let's pop her in, shall we?

On three. One...two...three.

Like a sack of potatoes.

Mash her down.

Those Europeans never did fit in.

We can't just leave her where she is for too long, you know.

Your father will be home in a week or two.

Suppose he takes it into his mind to get some lamb chops from his freezer?

I think your father, from what I know of him, would be quite disappointed to find Miss Mallow instead of lamb chops in his freezer, don't you?

That's not necessary.

Perhaps not.

But it is worthy of your consideration, Philly.

Don't you think your father would be more than disappointed to find Miss Mallow all frozen, rock hard in his freezer instead of some nice baby lamb chops?

Aren't you gonna help?

It's not my body.

Come on, Lester. Can't you help me?

Boy, this is really hard.

Yes. Well, you've heard the expression "frozen stiff."

This is ridiculous. Philly, let's flip her over.

Here. On the count of three. This way.

One...two...three.

Got it?

Barely. Good.

Are you okay?

Yes, actually, I quite enjoyed it, Philly.

I'm having the time of my life.

Okay.

Are you ready?

Good.


Yes, what is it now, Philly?

It's Miss Mallow! She's not there!

She's not in her grave! She's disappeared!

What are you talking about? She's not there.

The grave's empty. I saw it.

I'm warning you, Philly.

If this is your idea of some sort of childish prank, I, for one, am not amused.

But it's not!

I will not deal with this as anything other than a joke.

Ouch!

See what he wants.

Yes?

I found this note for you in your flower garden, Philly.

Let's see it.

"The flower you two buried had to be transplanted."

"Leave $10,000 in the flowerbed tonight, and it will be returned soon afterwards."

"P.S. I hear the police like flowers too."

The gardener.

You'd be surprised at the number of people who go poking through the grounds of the wealthy at night, my boy.

So, what's next?

Gosh, Lester, I don't know.

Lester, I just can't think of any other way to get the money.

Neither can I.

Lester, you think we should be doing this?

Well, Philly, do you want Miss Mallow back?

Of course. Then open the safe and get the 10,000.

Who knows? Your father may not even notice it's missing.

Fat chance.

Do you mind?

Of course not.

What are we gonna tell my father when he comes home and discovers $10,000 missing?

What are you going to tell him when Miss Mallow's remains turn up at the police station?

Hey, Lester, look at this.

Good work, Philly.


What are you doing here now?

Why aren't you at the hotel?

Because I was sick of staying at that sleazy place.

Nicole, he'll see you.

Well, I don't care. I want him to see me.

What is the matter with you?

What the hell is going on, Nicole?

A belated case of conscience maybe?

Well, that's very sweet.

Look, the old man may not be a prize, but the kid doesn't deserve to have this done to him.

You've got a crush on a 15-year-old boy.

Oh, shut up.

Tell me... when you slept together, did he wet the bed?

I'm warning you. If you don't shut up, I'm going straight to--

What are you gonna do? Tell me what you're gonna do, sweet pants.

All right, I'll tell you.

You're gonna do precisely what I tell you to do.

Right?

Otherwise, I'll have to tell the immigration people that you're not only an illegal alien, but a felon.

A felon?

Yes.

Seducing a minor-- that's a criminal offense, in case you didn't know.


Don't be frightened.

Please don't run away.

I'm sorry, Philly.

You let me think that you were dead-- that I had killed you.

Why?

Why'd you do it? Was it just for the money?

Lester forced me into this mess.

What'd he do, put a gun to your head?

He threatened to tell immigration that I was working here illegally.

Big deal. It was a big deal for me.

I could have been deported.

I had to do it. Don't you see?

You got your money. Why don't you just take it and go away?

I'm on your side, Philly.

I thought you loved me.

I don't trust you anymore.

All right, then I'll go to the police.

No.

Well, what do you want me to do then?

I don't know.

But I don't want you arrested.

Where's my father's $10,000?

Lester has the money.

Well, can you help me try and get it back?

Of course I'll help you, Philly.

Dad's gonna be home day after tomorrow. Gonna have to hurry.

First we have to find a place to hide you.

Where? I don't know.

Sherman's potting shed. I used to hide there all the time.

Maybe we'd better hurry to put some pressure on dear Lester.

Yeah. I've got some ideas about that already.

Good.

I missed you, Miss Mallow.

But we came here to ask you a favor.

Anything you need.

We just got blackmailed for $10,000.

Have you talked to the police?

We can't go to the police.

Oh, Mr. Travis, won't you please help us?

You need a policeman, not a tennis instructor.

Exactly. But we need you, not a real cop.

You're joking. Me, a policeman?

This guy is a real bully and he scares easily.

So all you have to do is act like a tough cop.

But I don't know how to act like a cop. Just be hard and tough.

And maybe we could watch Dirty Harry on television tonight.

Hi. I'm with the police department.

I'm Detective Jack Travis.

You Fillmore? This is the Fillmore residence, but I am not Mr. Fillmore, if that's what you're asking.

I'd like to ask a few questions.

No. Thank you.

Now see here.

You.

I really must object to your barging in here without so much as a--

Who are you? Me?

I'm the houseman and chauffeur. Name?

My name? My name is Lester Lewis.

But I really must object, sir. I believe--

Yes? Shut up, Lester.

Now then, Lester.

Is there a Miss Nicole Mallow here?

There is. That is, she used to be here. She's gone.

Where did she go? Away.

To Tucson. She quit.

She wasn't happy here I'm afraid.

We received a tip that she has met with foul play.

Foul play? What do you mean?

Homicide. This tip said she was homicided.

Well... that's absurd.

Miss Mallow is as alive as you or I.

I want to see her room now.

I told you you'd find nothing in Miss Mallow's room.

What is the point of looking through my room?

Harassment.

Gee, Lester, you really do have a very interesting sense of decoration.

Thank you.

Yeah. Real interesting, Lester.

Right out of "Better Homes and Closets. "

This a friend of yours?

Yes.

Cute. Real cute, Lester.

You know, you're a real cutie-pie.

This is particularly cute.

This, I don't even want to know from.

Oh, no.

Pay dirt.

Planning a little trip, Lester?

No, not exactly.

Lovely things you wear.

This must look just divine on you... if you lose a little weight.

These are Miss Mallow's clothes.

She didn't have room for all of them and she asked that we keep them here and send them on after she settled in Tucson.

Isn't that right, Philly?

Can I get you something to drink, Officer?

Some tea, a coffee, a beer perhaps?

Oh, boy. Oh, no.

Lester, there's more dirty laundry here than I thought.

What is this big red spot here? Is this blood?

Tomato sauce.

Tomato sauce? Yes.

Miss Mallow was fond of eating lasagna in bed, and she frequently spilled it.

Will you hold this?

Lester, I don't believe a word you've told me so far.

And as far as I'm concerned, Miss Mallow was homicided.

And you, my friend, you are the best thing that I have for a perpetrator.

I think I'm gonna take you down. I'm gonna book you.

Give me a couple of hours, I can prove she's still alive.

You can? Yes.

How are you gonna do that with her in Tucson?

Gee, Lester, are you sure it was Tucson?

She's not in Tucson. She's not?

No.

Oh, boy.

This is gonna be tough.

Where is she?

She's elsewhere.

Where elsewhere?

Well, she's having an abortion.

I didn't want the boy to know.

That's good you did that.

Save that boy any pain.

She'll be back in three hours.

Three hours? Mm-hmm.

Good. I'm gonna see you in two hours.

Two hours? Yeah.

And you better be able to prove that girl is alive or I'm gonna book you for murder one.

You can't book me for murder.

If you don't have a body, you don't have a case.

Come on, Lester. Up, up, up, up.

Listen. Now don't get any bright ideas about leaving town

'cause I'm gonna be watching you. Okay.

Now, I'm gonna see you in two hours from right now.

Do you hear me? Yes.

You hear me?

Yes, I do.

Thank you, Officer.

You know, Lester, I think it's shocking the way that man treats you.

I don't know why you put up with it.

Good afternoon, sir.

I'm looking for the young foreign woman I checked in here the other day.

It's a matter of some urgency.

You don't know where she is now?

If it's the woman that I'm thinking of, I think I checked her out earlier this morning.

Checked her out? Did she mention where she was going?

Walter, will you get that cat out of the lobby?

Listen my friend.

Are you quite certain you don't recall her mentioning where she might be headed?

Well, now that you mention it, I believe she said something about going to Tucson.


It worked. Travis scared Lester. He's looking all over for you.

You don't know him. He'll pick up the money and run.

Sherman, can we borrow a car? It's an emergency.

Sure, come on.

If we catch him now, I'm sure he'll have the money with him.

Get in. Philly, I can't drive.

Neither can I. Can you? Sure. Get in.

Come on, Sherman. Move it.

I can't help it! I don't know how to drive.

Why didn't you tell us before?

Get off the sidewalk! I'm trying!


Oh! Watch out!

Watch out! Don't hit that car!

I'm trying not to!

Watch out, there's a cop!


You just missed that--

You're insane. You know that?

Don't hit him, will you? I'm trying not to!

Please, Mr. Green, it's terribly terribly important.

Please, yes, please.

Yes, thank you! Yes!

Please, Mr. Green.

Are you ready, Lester?

Yes, I'm ready!

I'm ready, Mr. Green!

Mr. Green, we need your help.

I don't believe it.

You want a chase, you sicko? I'll give you a chase.

Get out of the way, you little shit!


Excuse me.

Huh?

Lester, over here.

Good day, sir.

Thanks a lot, Mr. Green.

I've been waiting 20 minutes.

Sorry, sir. It's been a difficult day.

And where's your tie? I always want you to wear a tie.

I'm sorry.

Lester! Oh, hi, Dad.

Hello, son. It was nice of you to come out and meet me.

Lester, you take this and the baggage is in the baggage area.

I'll get that, sir. Lester, let me help you.

I can get that. No, I insist.

Really, I insist. No, it's my job.

I'll be right back, sir. Philly, please, please.

Oh, Lester! Where are you going?

Well, I was late picking up my employer, Mr. Fillmore.

May I present Detective Travis, my employer, Mr. Fillmore.

You're Fillmore? That's right.

Hold on, Lester. Don't go away.

By the way, Travis, I would also like to present Miss Nicole Mallow.

Nice to see you again, Jack.

Oh, Nicole and I are old friends.

And you're Fillmore? Yes.

The father? That's right.

I want to know what's going on here. So do I.

Well, it seems it's a mystery to all of us.

Shall we be going, sir?

Oh, you get the rest of the baggage and I'll take this one.

Very well, sir.

Excuse me.

Well, you've certainly changed a lot lately.

I know, but most of the credit belongs to you.

Thank you.

And Lester too, of course.

Philly, I'm going to miss you.

What do you mean?

Well, I mean I think that it's time for me to leave.

Why?

Well, for one thing, we'll never be able to keep our affair a secret from your father.

And the moment he found out, he'd fire me immediately.

I guess you're right. But I don't want you to leave.

I'll miss you.

We'll always keep in touch.

Anyway, you're ready to be on your own now.

Where are you gonna go?

I don't know.

I let you know where I am.

If you're gonna get a new job, you're gonna have to have a letter of reference from my father.

Well, your father might not think I've been working long enough.

I didn't mean for him to write it.

But I know what he'd say if he knew you as well as I do.

"She was passionate about her household duties."

"And she kept things well in hand."

"She gave everything she had to her employer."


Thank you, Lester.

Lester, I'll see you at 3:00 then?

Hi, Jan. Hi.

Hey, do you have Mr. Marks for Civics? Uh-huh.

Great, I'll see you there.

I'll see you sixth period.

Oh, Miss Phipps.

Hello there.

I'm sorry, I don't--

Philly. I didn't recognize you.

You've changed so much since last June.

I know, and I'd like to thank you for the advice you gave me.

What was that?

To find girls whose age is more appropriate for me.

Oh, right. How did it go?

Oh, it went very well.

I'd like to talk to you about it in detail.

Great, I'd love to.

Excellent.

Can we discuss it over dinner tonight?

Why don't I have my chauffeur pick you up at 8:00 then?