Private Parts (1997) Script

He was offensive.

He was obnoxious.

He was disgusting.

Do you want me to go on?

Once he wanted me to approve a contest, where he'd give a new toilet to the listener with the largest bowel movement.

On the air.

I mean, you can imagine the logistics of that.

HOWARD STERN: You know, when I look back on this moment in my life, I really wanted it to work.

I wanted this to be the biggest moment in the history of entertainment.

I'm not kidding.

I wanted everyone to wake up the next morning talking about me, Howard Stern.

That's the kind of thinking, though, that usually gets me into trouble.

JOHN STAMOS ON MIC: I'm here to introduce the next presenter.

Believe me, a lot of people refused to introduce this guy, but I love him.

HOWARD: Is this safe?

When you drop, don't spin around or the wires get screwed up.

(GASPS)

JOHN: radio waves high above America.

(CROWD CHEERS)

JOHN: It's a bird!

HOWARD: I'm making such a mistake. It's a plane!

No, it's Fartman!

HOWARD: Behold, I am Fartman!

Behold the greatness that is me, the mightiest of superheroes!

My ass has power!

Screw Superman, I am Fartman!

Fartman rules!

Fartman!

Fartman!

And now, in an extraordinary display of my powers, I will show you something so marvelous. Behold!

(FARTS LOUDLY)

The lovely and talented Fartman, ladies and gentlemen!

(HEAVY METAL MUSIC PLAYING)

HOWARD: I gotta tell you, with all this carrying on, I mean, the way they're screaming, at first, I really thought I'd won them over.

I thought I was the Beatles on Ed Sullivan or something.

Oh, shock...

But did my fellow artists appreciate the comedically-ironic aspect of my new superhero character?

No! They just thought I was an idiot.

You know most of these people are Satan-worshipping junkies?

Hey, look. All I want is for my artistic courage to be an inspiration to others.

Instead, I'm a joke.

Excuse me, I didn't mean to interrupt.

I'm embarrassed.

See, that's when I came to a profound realization.

Everything I do is misunderstood.

(SNARLS)

Everything I do is misunderstood.

I mean, think about what a burden that is.

What a thing to go through life with.

All I'm trying to do is be funny, and I end up feeling like an asshole.

What a fucking jerk!

MAN: Howard, it was a home run.

You think so? Absolutely!

And when you said, "All of Hollywood can kiss my ass," you had every teenager in the country eating out of your hand.

My guess is we'll get coverage from 200, maybe 300...

(HEAVENLY ARIA PLAYING)

Howard? Howard!

Here's your ticket. Okay? Call me as soon as you get to New York, will you?

Yo, Fartman. Love you, man. Thanks.

HOWARD: All right. So, getting back to what I was talking about.

More than anything, I'd like the public to appreciate...

No, forget that. I want them to love me.

Not the myth, but the man.

The real Howard.

Let me demonstrate my point.

Now, take this woman, for example.

She hates me.

She doesn't even know me, but it's clear that she's totally disgusted by me.

Excuse me. You don't possibly have another seat available, do you?

I'm sorry, we're showing a full load.

Right here on your left.

Okay. Yes.

Sir, may I help you?

Hello. Hello.

Is this yours? Yeah. If you want to read it, you can.

Thank you.

HOWARD: Pfft... I've seen this look before.

Believe me, it's the look of misunderstanding.

She thinks I'm a moron.

In fact, all my life, people have told me I was a moron.

You're a moron! Now shut up and sit still!

So, this is my dad, Ben Stern.

He was an engineer at a radio station in Manhattan. WHOM.

Why live in Roosevelt when you work in New York?

Shut up!

(RADIO STATIC)

HOWARD: We never played catch or went to ball games.

The only sport my father liked was yelling.

Nothing but crap.

(CHANGES STATION)

(REGGAE MUSIC PLAYS)

Is this one crap? Don't be a moron!

HOWARD: My father commuted every day.

I guess it was about 40 miles in to Manhattan.

He'd leave at 7:00 in the morning and get home around midnight or something.

I mean, I never saw the guy.

Come on. Come on.

HOWARD: Once a year, my old man would break down and take me to work with him. A little quality time.

I liked that, a little bonding. Dad and son together.

I looked forward to that.

(ELEVATOR DINGS)

Take my hand, Howard.

And remember, Howard, I work here, so keep your mouth shut.

You spin and you spin and you spin...

Records... Who gives a fuck? Daddy?

I told you, shut up! That man is throwing records.

No, nobody gives a goddamn about it!

None of it! What the fuck? Just fucking records!

It's just this fucking place! None of it means anything!

Sid, you're on in 15 seconds! Get a grip on yourself.

Ah, what the hell do you know, you bastard? You mieskait!

You're gonna play the music for the people?

Symphony Sid!

By the powers vested in me by the Federal Communications Commission, I command you to get on the microphone in a serious manner and continue this broadcast.

CALMLY: This is Sunday Blues and Jazz, and I'm your host, Symphony Sid.

And now, something for a blue Sunday...

HOWARD: From that moment on, I wanted to be on the radio.

Show business was definitely for me.

(BOUNCY PUPPET MUSIC)

And for my 12th birthday, my mother bought me some puppets, and pretty soon I was spreading joy throughout the community.

(BOUNCY PUPPET MUSIC CONTINUES)

HOWARD IN FEMININE VOICE: Oh, baby, I want it! Give it to me! More! Oh!

(MASCULINE) You like that, huh? (FEMININE) Oh, yes, I love it, baby!

Give it to me.

Oh, baby, yes, right there! Oh!

More! More! Harder!

(MASCULINE) You want it harder? (FEMININE) Oh, yes, harder!

Please give it to me. Please!

(SCREAMING)

But why can't I play with my puppets?

Shut up! You know why!

HOWARD: You know, life is very strange.

Just about the time my puppet career ended, my whole neighborhood underwent a demographic shift.

Well, my parents said we're moving because of those niggers.

They said, pretty soon, Roosevelt's gonna be nothing but niggers.

Really, my parents said we're moving 'cause of all the schwarzes.

Schwarzes are niggers, idiot. They're the same thing.

(TIRES SCREECH)

I don't want to hear any more of this, you hear me?

I'm half-Negro. And Howard's half-Negro.

And anything bad you say about Negroes, you're saying about us, you understand?

Mom, we're half-Negro?

I can't believe the stories he makes up.

I mean, I never made him wear my underwear to school.

And... And as far as my taking his rectal temperature every day till he was 14, he shouldn't make such a big deal.

He still grew up to be a very well-adjusted individual.

Absolutely!

Roosevelt High School. Beautiful.

A fully-integrated educational institution, which, of course, meant 6, 000 black guys and me.

And then I hit puberty. That made things worse, because my penis never got any bigger.

I mean, I was hung like a three-year old.

Hey, seriously, these guys have rhinoceros penises. Huge!

You know, I've heard black men complain that they're unfairly stereotyped.

Man, I'd love to have a stereotype like that.

Now, because I had such a minuscule schlonger, I turned to drugs.

Unfortunately, the drugs really made me paranoid.

HOWARD'S MOTHER: Howard? I smell smoke. Are you smoking in there?

There's no smoke in here.

Howard, your father wants to see you downstairs.

(GARGLES)

Howard?

(SWALLOWS)

Howard, you're graduating from high school this year.

You should be making some kind of plan for your future.

You need a plan.

I want to be on the radio.

He wants to be on radio.

But to be on the radio you have to have a voice.

You have to have some verbal ability.

You hardly ever say a word.

This all from a guy who's only told me to shut up about 50, 000 times.

I talk.

You really want to be on the radio?

Okay, if you want a shot at radio, the counseling center says there's a Communications program at Boston University.

HOWARD: Okay, I know what you're saying.

You're saying I look a little old to be in college.

But for this movie, you gotta suspend disbelief Hey, Lisa.

Lisa, how you doing? Hi.

Wondering if you'd like to go out Friday night?

With you?

No, thanks.

Hi, I was just wondering... Uh, no.

Oh, excuse me, I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

Excuse me. Would you like to go out Friday night?

Friday?

No... I have a lot of reading to catch up on, but thank you.

HOWARD: So, I masturbated a lot.

Two-time-a-day habit. I'm not proud of it, but I did it.

Senior year, a big year for me.

I finally got up the courage go down to the college radio station and get myself on the air.

And my name is Howard Stern on The Howard Stern Experience, and if you love music, you'll love Deep Purple on TBU.

(ROCK MUSIC PLAYS)

Ohh...

Ooh, ooh, ooh!

Ooh!

Oh, my God! Oh, my fucking God!

(NEEDLE SCRATCHES RECORD)

How do I forget it? It's the single worst moment in radio history.

It's not radio, it's college radio. Really.

There's nobody listening.

Nobody. Maybe, like, three guys in a dorm somewhere.

Oh, shit! Oh, fuck! I know someone on this block.

Let me think. Come on!

Down here. Down here. Come here.

(KNOCK ON DOOR)

Hi, Elyse. Hey.

So, we were on our way to a rally in support of feminism, and we got caught in the rain.

I'm wondering if we could come in and just hang out for a while.

Sure, come on in. Thanks.

HOWARD: Can I use your hairdryer?

Yeah. There's one at the end of the hall.

Hey, Rach.

This is Howard. Oh, hi. My hair's wet.

Just put that there.

I'm just gonna go dry my hair.

Hey, I heard you on the radio today.

You heard that? Yeah. What happened?

I didn't think anybody listened to that.

Alison, this is Howard.

Howard, this is Alison. Alison's one of my roommates.

Hey.

(THUNDER)

(ENCHANTING INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC PLAYING)

Howard? Howard?

Hairdryer's in the bathroom. Okay.

Hi... Hi... Hi, I'm Howard...

Look at you, man, you can get her. Look at you.

She is hot.

(SNIFFING)

How are you?

I'm making a film for my film class, and, I mean, it's a legitimate film.

You won't... You're not gonna have to be naked or anything.

You're gonna have your clothes on, you know.

What's it about? Well, I'm glad you asked me that.

In my psychology class, we're studying B. F. Skinner.

And, I started to realize that what Skinner says is true.

We're all rats trapped in a box, all searching for a piece of cheese.

Mm-hmm.

And I'm gonna shoot it on Saturday.

I can't do it Saturday.

I work with an outpatient program for schizophrenics.

One of them actually killed himself, so I'm taking the whole group to the funeral on Saturday, but...

Sorry.

You are really perfect.

I... All right, what if I reschedule?

Beautiful, I don't believe it!

HOWARD: Look, I refused to leave the room until she agreed to be in my film.

Gorgeous. I feel stupid.

Seriously, she was the most enchanting woman I'd ever met.

I'm telling you, I'm looking for the face of an angel.

You have the face of an angel...

(GHOSTLY GROANING)

HOWARD'S VOICE: Save me!

Save me!

He comes to me! He comes to me!

Ahh...

Save me.

(APPLAUSE)

We give the award for best student film to Mr. Howard Stern.

HOWARD: I'll tell you, nothing makes a woman hotter than to be with an award-winning filmmaker.

This I know.

And at this point, I knew I was gonna score.

I mean, it was fait accompli.

I was in. This was it. I'm a stud.

She was liquefied.

We did not have sex on our first date.

Although he was very sexual.

Our sex life has always been good. I mean...

Howard complains that his penis is too small, but his penis size is fine.

Howard exaggerates.

(SHIVERING)

Okay. Okay.

Now hold this and say...

Hi, hi, I'm Camille, and, uh, I'm in Westchester, New York, and... "This is Howard's first job interview."

This is Howard's first job interview.

Well, he's going to his first job interview in New York.

All right. One more thing. (SHIVERING) Yes.

Can you take your top off?

No! No, I'm serious.

I'm serious, this is what they want you to do.

No, they don't. No, they do.

No way! No, they do.

Howard did not tell...

I'm Moti, station manager. Howard Stern.

You want to be a disc jockey?

Very much so. I've wanted to be a disc jockey since I was seven years old.

What are you? An idiot?

No, sir, I'm not an idiot. I...

In fact, I have a Communications degree from Boston University.

And I would work very hard for this company if given the opportunity.

You wanted to see me?

You came late yesterday. You came late today.

I don't need you. You're fired.

Fuck you.

Good. Fuck you, you punk! Fuck you 1,000 percent!

Fuck you till your asshole is purple donkey asshole!

(MUTTERING IN FOREIGN LANGUAGE)

Okay, you start tomorrow.

10:00 a.m. to 2:00 p.m.

Eh? Yes.

Pay, $96 a week, and don't bring me your problems.

Okay. I'm not psychiatrist.

Thank you very much.

I promise you I will not disappoint you. Thank you.

And I start tomorrow?

DEJECTEDLY: Westchester 107, WRNW 107.

Hi, this is Howard Stern.

It's 75 degrees presently. Winds out of the northwest.

Chances of precipitation, 85% for tonight.

Looks like rain.

Tomorrow partly sunny at WRNW Westchester 107.

(ROCK MUSIC PLAYING)

HOWARD: I was sort of living with Alison while she worked on her Masters in Social Work, which was really great.

I was also still living with my parents, which wasn't so great.

HOWARD'S MOTHER: Howard? Yeah... Yeah, Ma?

I smell smoke. Are you smoking in there?

No, Ma, there's no smoke in here.

DEJECTEDLY: 107 FM, WRNW, I'm Howard Stern with you each and every day.

And I've got a great Two-for-Tuesday.

107 FM, The Ramones. Gabba Gabba, wee, gabba gabba, hey, gabba gabba gabba...

(RAMONES PLAYING LOUDLY)

Howard, you stink. I don't mix words.

You'll never be a great disc jockey.

You've a lousy voice, lousy personality, this will not change.

Okay? So on the air is not for you.

But you come on time, and you're a good worker, huh?

So...

How about I make you program director?

Program director? Program director. You.

You... You run station.

You... Sit. You pick music.

No more $96 a week.

Eh... I pay you... You, eh...

250 dollars a week.

(CHUCKLES)

You'd be management, like me.

HOWARD: To be quite honest, I didn't really want to be a programmer, but at $250 a week, I could marry Alison and we'd get a real place together.

Oh, look at her. I mean, this was a miracle.

Here's this beautiful girl, I mean, a gorgeous woman, willing to spend the rest of her life with me.

I just couldn't have been happier.

I was the happiest program director in the world.

Yeah, me. Program director. Overnight, I become the big boss.

Howard Stern, Executive Manager!

I had no idea what I was doing.

No clue what to do with this job whatsoever.

But I did it, and everyone bought into it.

They thought I knew what I was doing.

This was great.

Howard! Oh, hey, Moti!

Advertising is up, profit is up. Oh, great.

As a disc jockey, you're... You're shit. (CHUCKLES)

But you're a great programmer.

Here, payday. Thanks, Moti.

Listen, I want you to fire Dickie Davis.

Why?

None of your business.

The guy's got three kids!

You want to be management? You fire him, huh? It's good to fire someone.

It gives a good message to the others. Just fire him, huh?

I don't want to fire him. You fire him.

Howard, disc jockeys are dogs. Your job is to make them fetch, eh?

Now, if you want to truly be management, you be a man and fire him. Do it!

Be a man.

MOTI: Tell Dickie Davis Howard wants to see him now.

(VOMITING)

(VOMITING)

How? Howard? Don't look.

Are you okay?

(COUGHS)

Let me ask you something. Would you still love me if I gave up my programming job and I stayed on the air and I made a lot less money?

Yes.

I mean, you know, I'd have to leave you, but I'd still love you.

Be serious. If I make less money, we wouldn't even be able to afford this apartment.

We can't really afford the apartment now, so it doesn't quite matter, really.

I guess.

Do what you need to do.

Come on back here, hold the sign right in front of you.

Come on back.

I want you to say, "Howard goes to Hartford,"

"and becomes the wacky morning man at WCCC."

(UNCLEAR ENUNCIATION) Howard goes to Hartford at CCC.

"Howard goes to Hartford,"

"and becomes the wacky morning man at WCCC."

Howard goes to Hartford at W...

All right. All right. That's not gonna work.

"Howard comes to Hartford"

"to become the wacky morning man at WCCC."

GARY: Let's see some muscles!

How about some back muscles?

Was my voice too deep doing that?

No, it's very feminine.

WCCC FM 107 and AM 1290. My name is Fred Norris.

And, uh, stick around for the new guy, Howard Stern, and The Howard Stern Program.

Hi.

Oh... Oh, my God.

Oh, it's so...

Hi. Howard Stern. How you doing? You're Fred?

I can't believe how late I am. Who would have thought?

On the Berlin Turnpike, I take a left-hand turn like I rehearsed

500 times getting here and I somehow got lost.

Oh...

I'm sweating. I'm so hot.

I'm so schvitz!

(SIGHS) I'm hot.

I was planning on being on time.

Ooh, man.

Whoo-oo-oo...

107 FM, AM 1290, WCCC!

Good morning. My name is Howard Stern. I'm the new morning man on CCC.

Sitting with me, uh, Mr. Ringo...

Mr. Ringo Starr and he's here in the studio. Hi, Ringo.

(IMITATES RINGO) "How you doing, me love?"

I wish you'd play us a little wipe-out this morning, wake everybody up.

Oh, yeah! That was great, Ringo! CCC, AM 1290, FM 107.

This is Cheap Trick.

(CHEAP TRICK SONG PLAYS)

Ohh, thank you.

Whoa.

HOWARD: Hartford ended up being okay, you know.

I mean, Fred seemed to really like me.

I mean, I think he really liked me.

The guy's like wallpaper. Who can get a read on him?

And Alison, well, she got a job right away.

Now, if you wanted to buy liver for dinner, what would you do?

Go to the supermarket? That's right. And then what?

This afternoon, gray skies, occasional showers and precipitation.

Highs near 75.

It's going to be raining like cats and...

(IMITATING CAT AND CHICKEN)

And chickens? I don't think so.

(IMITATING DOG) And dogs.

WCCC also wants to remind you that our new sponsor, Stanley Sport... um, is a great place to go.

(MOUTHING) We don't have it.

You know, I gotta tell you something.

When I was a child, I used to go to Stanley Sport all the time.

I loved Stanley Sport.

My parents would take me through there, and we just had a great time.

And we could walk out with tons of stuff, even though my parents didn't make a lot of money.

Oh.

And, uh, there's only one Stanley Sports.

And the grand opening is this weekend. Mark it on your calendar.

The grand opening is this...

I just realized, uh, that makes no sense, what I said.

I just told you I went there as a kid and now the grand opening...

Well, I just... I think I was just caught in a lie.

Oh, boy. You know what the truth is?

I'm a disc jockey who makes $250 a week, and I just want to do the right thing here on the air.

I don't wanna get fired. So, uh, I guess I lied to you, but...

I'll never let that happen again. You know what I mean?

Oh, boy, do I feel stupid.

Seriously, I heard the show today. I think you're really getting good.

What part did you like in particular?

Was it the Chinese guy calling in for the Doobie Brothers tickets?

You know when you did that ad, and you were just being yourself?

That's what you liked? Yeah.

Really? It was funny.

HOWARD: Little by little, our ratings actually improved, and before long, I got to interview my first real semi-famous celebrity, B-movie star, Brittany Fairchild.

While I'm interviewing her, she actually invites me to go to a premiere for her movie.

I remember how embarrassing it was because nobody knew who I was.

I'm escorting this woman around, and none of these people know who I am.

They just think she has some ugly boyfriend, you know?

But who cares? I mean, it was exciting.

BRITTANY ON FILM: Hello?

I'm here for the shoot.

Is anybody there?

Hello?

HOWARD: Ohh...

My back hurts. Would you mind taking me back to my hotel room?

I know this director, and he told me that when he was little, his mother killed his sister, but was never charged.

Wow.

Come in.

Come in.

It's nice. Sit down.

(KEYS JANGLE)

I'll be right back. Okay.

Hey, man. Free drinks.

(CLEARS THROAT)

(FAUCET SQUEAKS)

(WATER RUNNING)

What the hell is she doing?

I think she's running a bath.

Oh, my God, man, she's taking her clothes off.

I guess she forgot to close the door.

Well, she's a Hollywood actress. They have a lot on their mind.

Oh, my God.

Oh, is she cute!

BRITTANY: Howard? Yes?

Could you come here for a second?

Oh, hi.

My shoulders tense up when I travel.

Would you mind rubbing them for a minute?

It works best when I'm in a hot bath. It helps relax the muscles.

I don't know if that's okay or not. Please. It really hurts.

I don't know that I can do this.

I'll tell you what, I'll just kneel over here, and I'll rub your shoulders from back here.

No. Sit behind me in the tub.

Oh, I can't do that. Why not?

Well, for one thing, my clothes are gonna get all wet.

Well, then I guess you better take them off.

I gotta tell you something. You are gorgeous.

And... And you're a great actress and everything, but I got a wife at home. I can't cheat on my wife.

Then leave your underwear on.

What?

If you leave your underwear on, then you can't cheat.

It's just like going swimming.

HOWARD: I don't know what it was, but she started making a lot of sense.

I really need your help. My back really hurts.

FRED: She's right.

Could you start with my shoulders?

Ahh...

Yeah.

(MOANS)

Can you come around my sides. I think I pulled a muscle in my ribcage.

(MOANS)

Howard?

I know how to give a man pleasure.

Mmm.

Ooh.

Pleasure.

Oh. Oh, wow.

No, no, no. No, no, no, no, no, no.

Stop that. Stop.

Oh, whoa.

Oh, man. Wow. Thank you.

Oh, my. Thanks. Thanks...

Thanks for everything, listen, the premiere and everything.

Oh, my God. I just... I just gotta go.

You know, it was a great interview on the radio. Thanks, thanks... Thank you.

I really must go. Bye!

(DOOR CLOSES)

(SOUL MUSIC PLAYING)


(SCRUBBING)

Hi. Hey. How was it?

So bad, so horrible. I just had the worst night of my life.

I mean, I can't even begin to tell you how miserable I am.

But it's so late, I got to get to bed.

I mean, no one realizes I got to get up at 4:00 in the morning in that radio station.

I can't believe how late it is.

Go and get in. Okay.

I, I just... I just need to rest. I need to get some sleep.

Horrible.

God, let me get away with this and I swear I'll never stray from Alison again. Never.

HOWARD ON RADIO: I just wanna thank someone this morning.

I want to thank Brittany Fairchild for having myself and Fred out to, uh, her new movie. It was really good.

Fred, what did you think of the movie?

FRED: I was very moved.

I think a lot of us were moved last night. CCC AM 1290, FM 107.


HOWARD: It's the fifth largest market in the United States, and they want me to start tomorrow, which is a good sign, I think.

That means they're, you know, they're really desperate for me, which I like.

And they say they're gonna move the building to the best part of the city.

Which I think is good, too. You know, pump money into the facility.

And the station manager says we're gonna be the most aggressive radio station in Detroit.

We are gonna dominate the marketplace, which I lo...

Are these yours?

They're wet.

HOWARD: Alison's not coming to Detroit.

I should've just come home and told my wife everything, and admitted the truth, because now my wife doesn't even trust me anymore, and I don't blame her, because I don't trust me either.

I'm a stupid idiot. I'm so stupid!

What am I gonna do?

I don't know.

I can always count on you for help, man. Thanks. I appreciate it.

Listen, man, as soon as I get to Detroit and things start happening, I'm gonna get these guys to hire you, all right?

Okay.

Fred, I'm serious, I'm not gonna forget you. Bye!

(ROCK MUSIC PLAYING)

Howard! How you doing, man? How you doing, Marvin?

Good to see you. Good to see you, too.

Hey. Patricia Fonfara, meet Howard Stern. The news lady.

Hi. Really looking forward to working with you.

The Duke of Rock's just finishing up, then we're gonna get right inside, so...

Hey, Marvin, what happened to the new building?

I told you. We're gonna build a new building.

First we gotta build an audience, heh.

The Duke of Rock's getting ready to walk, but I want you to stick around, because we got a brand-new morning man.

He looks like Big Bird to me.

Coming next on W4106 FM...

What's happening, man? Come on in, Big Bird.

How you doing, man? Good to see you. How's things?

What's that? You gonna do what?

Is that right? Well, how about that, kiddies?

He's gonna have Kermit the Frog come in here and sing the Alphabet Song. Isn't that something?

Coming up next on the Big Bird Show. I gotta go. See you midnight tonight.

This is the Duke of Rock saying, "If you can't be good, be bad, baby!" Bye.

Hi, how you doing? Howard Stern.

Nice to see you. Listened to your show last night.

It was great. Looking forward to working with you.

Don't hurt yourself, man. Okay, thanks. Thank you.

(DOOR CLOSES)

Thank you. What am I thanking him for?

HOWARD: So let's review. My life sucked.

Alison dumped me. I didn't know if she'd ever come back to me.

And now this dickwad is calling me Big Bird.

106 FM. WWWW...

I don't know. Something in me just snapped.

My name is Howard Stern, and welcome to the new morning show.

We have a new feature for you, this is, uh, something special.

We have a traffic 'copter now here at WWWW.

Let's go to Mama Looka Booboo Day in the traffic 'copter.

Mama, you there? Hello? Mama? Uh. Hello?

(HELICOPTER FLYING SOUND EFFECT)

(DOING MAMA'S VOICE) Yes, hello, this is Mama Looka Booboo Day, the only black traffic reporter in the Detroit area, I'm proud to say.

Pleasure to make your acquaintance this morning, Mama.

Tell me, uh, what's going on in the traffic?

First, a political statement, if I may?

"Kill, Kill, Kill the White Man," by Eugene Mama Looka Booboo Day.

Eugene is my pen name because I wrote this while I was in the pen.

Okay, here we go.

"Kill, kill, kill the white man."

Kill him until he is dead.

"Kill the white man."

Thank you.

(ROCK MUSIC PLAYING)

Can I speak to Alison Stern, please? This is her husband, Howard.

It's Howard.

Hello?

Shit.


(SIREN)

You talk too much! And very important, I want the time and temperature four times every 15 minutes.

Not three, Four!

My grandmother died last night.

I spent all night with her in the hospital.

She... She had a car accident.

By the way, uh, 6:45, temperature is 58 degrees.

Anyway, her head went through the windshield...

You know, it's funny, but her last words...

I want you back, I love you...

(ROCK MUSIC CONTINUES)

HOWARD: I had, like, no listeners, and the couple of listeners I did have would call in and tell me how bad I sucked on a regular basis.

Although, I did manage to convince one of them to be my weather lady.

Irene, the weather girl. Irene, are you there?

It's cold. Real cold.

But your ass is gonna be plenty hot when I give you a good hard butt-whipping.

Tongue.

What do you think about that?

Turns you on, doesn't it, you little maggot?

Yeah.

Irene, thank you for the weather forecast.

Shut up.

We hope to hear from you tomorrow. Give us some more weather.

Bite me, you loser!

You shaved your mustache.

Jesus, Alison!

It's great to see you. Al, I miss you so much.

I'm feeling so miserable since you left.

I'm just so uncomfortable in this Detroit... I'm...

Howard, I'm willing to believe you didn't sleep with that girl, okay?

I understand you're a somewhat abnormal person with a somewhat abnormal job.

That I can accept.

I deal with abnormality every single day.

I don't need everything in my life to be normal.

And on the air, you do what you do, that's your job.

But off the air, for me to be in this marriage, I need to know I'm the only one.

And I am not saying that to pressure you.

I'm saying it because it's just something I know about myself.

So, if you need more time or whatever...

I don't need any more time.

I'm just so madly in love with you. I don't...

I don't need anyone else in my life. I never wanted anyone else in my life.

All I want is you.

I just want you to forgive me.

Thanks for coming back.

Wow.

Come on, you guys. Right up here looks perfect.

HOWARD: isn't Alison amazing?

She's in town, like, two minutes and already she's got a job working with a bunch of wackos.

Excuse me. "Mentally challenged."

Nice day, huh?

What can I do to help here?

Well, I'm gonna set up lunch... Okay.

And you can play Frisbee with the guys.

Start again. Here we go.

Oh.

I'm so sorry.

Listen. What you gotta do is you gotta put this hand up, okay?

You gotta try and catch it, okay?

Here we go. Ready?

I'm so sorry.

You know what we're gonna do?

Just tell me that you're ready. Ready?

(STAMMERS) Yes.

Howard! Howard! Marvin.

I was hoping I'd find you here. I have some very exciting news...

Oh. Are you all right? Yes.

Yeah. That was good.

Just wait till somebody looks, okay?

Hoo. Uh... We decided that Detroit has too many rock stations, so starting tomorrow we're starting a new format, and it'll give us a real great edge.

(COUNTRY MUSIC PLAYING)

(SINGER YODELING)

Howdy, cowpokes.

Uh, I know I shouldn't be interrupting in the middle of a song, but I gotta tell you, I know a lot of you love this music, but I don't get it. Explain it to me.

Maybe it's 'cause I went to college, and I never drove a truck, or had sex with my daddy's sister, but...

I guess what I'm saying is, I, I don't think I'm the man for this job.

So this is your old pal, Hopalong Howie, saying I quit.

I... I think I quit.

(YODELING CONTINUES)

What?

Nothing.

(DOOR CLOSES)

What is it? I feel like such a loser.

It's not your fault, it was a lame station.

Yeah, it was my fault. You can't blame a radio station.

It's my screw-up. In what way?

In the way that I gotta figure out what I'm going to be.

I mean, I don't want to be one of these disc jockeys that runs around the country looking for work all the time.

I don't want to end up like that. It's so sad.

It's so apparent to me now what I should be doing.

I should be talking about my personal life. I've got to get intimate.

And every time I feel like I shouldn't say something, maybe I should say it, just blurt it out.

I just gotta let things fly. I gotta go all the way.

You didn't go all the way before? No. I mean...

No. A lot of times, I'm just holding back.

Then I guess you should go all the way.

Hold the sign nice and low.

Big smiles, look sexy... This is about Howard coming to Washington.

What's going on here?

Um, we're shooting a movie. Hey, you got a permit?

No, we don't, but it's one line, we'll be done in a second and out of your way.

You can't be here. You're blocking the median. You'll have to move.

Um, this is for the Howard Stern movie.

Yeah, right. It's his movie. You said Howard Stern? Is he here?

No, he's not in this scene today. Grab your coat.

Tsk, give us a break. It'll take a second.

Just look at the camera and say, "Howard comes to Washington."

Howard comes to Washington. Hey, let's go!

Come on! Howard's a big fan of the cops.

He loves you guys. We could've been done by now.

I was hired by an FM rock station, DC 101, and that's when I met the other woman in my life.

Howard?

Hi. I'm Robin Quivers, your newswoman.

Oh, oh, I'm really looking forward to working with you. Great to meet you.

Same here. This'll be great.

Okay, I'll just go over here and work on my script.

I'm almost set.

(CLEARING THROAT)

(SNORTS AND SNIFFS)

(CLEARS THROAT)

DC 101, good morning. This is Howard Stern. Welcome to the show.

I have a confession to make. I did not get, uh, laid last night.

In fact, I haven't gotten laid in a really long time.

Give me a call at DC 101 if you're having the same problem.

Having trouble with your woman? I'll help you out.

Let me introduce to my right, my beautiful new newswoman, Robin Quivers, who looks so beautiful I'm sure she has none of these sexual problems.

But I must tell you my life is very odd.

I get hornier and hornier.

My wife comes home from work, goes to sleep, the whole week goes by, she never gets horny.

Robin, as a woman, what is it? Do women get horny?

Sometimes.

Why's he talking to his newsperson? I'll have him stop.

What about you specifically?

When is the last time that you were with a man... sexually?

About a year.

You're serious? A year? Yeah.

A year, ladies and gentlemen. Someone more pathetic than me.

This is good. We're getting somewhere. This is a good discussion.

Uh, you know, I bought a book, How to Score with Babes.

Listen to what it says, I think it's rather revealing.

"When attempting to score with a babe, make sure to wear tight pants.

If necessary, stuff a semi-rigid large object into your pants, to create the appearance of having a large penis.

Women like large penis." Don't give me that look.

Did he say "penis"?

I know about this stuff. I have no bulge. I have a small penis.

I've never told anyone this before. I don't think you should start now.

Well, I've done it. Now the cat's out of the bag.

But it's a good book.

The author has slept with over 16,000 women, and, uh, take it from him, he says, "Wear tight pants."

If he's slept with 16,000 women, he wouldn't have time to put on pants.

That is true, too. I didn't consider that.

Why don't you give me a call at DC 101 if you want to talk about this.

We'll be back right after these words.

You're a genius. That was great.

That was interesting. Didn't that feel good? That was great.

You say whatever you want.

You have carte blanche.

You and Robin must not talk to each other on the air.

Don't sing along with the music.

You know what else you could do?

I'd like you to memorize the names of the local schools.

And don't criticize Washington, it's not good for ratings.

Now, if you'll excuse us, we'd like to talk to Robin alone for a second.

Wait. I wanted...

You know what I want you to do for me, is to make up a grid of all your comedy bits and the corresponding days of the week, so that I'll know on which day you'll be doing which bit.

I told you I work spontaneously... I think that I...

We'll talk about it.

Robin, don't encourage him. He's better when he's toned down.

We need you to be a friend here.

I'll see what I can do. Great.

I appreciate it, Robin. Okay. Thanks.

I think we should separate them.

Orioles over the Red Sox 3-2, extending their winning streak to seven.

And finally, today is Memorial Day.

Sunny skies and warm temperatures for veterans marching in parades across the metropolitan area.

Highs today in the 70s. It's 58 degrees...

You know, Robin, let me interrupt. I'm glad you brought up Memorial Day.

I was in Vietnam. I'd like to talk to you about it.

I had 11 kills in Vietnam, and I should've had more.

Officially, I should've had more kills. Let me tell you what I'm talking about.

I was in a gook village, and I come upon a schoolhouse.

So I grab one of my grenades off my belt and I throw it into the schoolhouse.

I blow up the whole damn thing. So I'm counting all the bodies...

You threw a grenade into a school?

That's exactly what I'm telling you.

I must've killed 200 kids. My dickhead lieutenant says, "Stern, those are little kids. That counts as one person."

Howard, I was in the military, I was a captain in the air force. What were you?

What was I? Yeah, what were you?

What were you again? I was a captain.

That's what I was, a captain! And what were you in?

I was in Vietnam! Ugh. Army? Navy?

In the army. Did you have a division?

103rd. 103rd what?

I was in the 103rd... I don't know what I was in, Robin. I was in the 103rd.

The point of this is that I think a kill is a kill is a kill, and killing a kid should be just as good as an adult.

I suppose even if you're killing children, they should count them.

I got some music for you now. DC 101.

(ROBIN CHUCKLES)

Ha-ha!

You're not even old enough to have been in Vietnam.

Duh. (ROBIN CHUCKLES)

I couldn't sit and not say something. I knew they told me not to talk.

I knew I'd get into trouble if I did, but he was onto something, and I knew there was something going on there.

And I just went for it.

This just came from the FCC. Did you say "testicles" on the air?

Screw the FCC, we just lost Muffler Man.

Hold on. We have a real problem here.

I'm just trying to get ratings. I'm just trying to run a radio station!

I understand that, and sponsors are there once you get the ratings.

It's a very big problem.

They'll be lining up, ten in a row. Listen to me, you stupid asshole.

Radio is a business, and you've cost us $40,000.

If I do a lame show, it's never gonna take off.

I'm calm. I am perfectly calm.

DC Carpet canceled because of him.

He's gotta go. Can we sit down and talk?

I just want to say one thing. I think the show's startin' to take off.

There's a buzz on the street about it, and if we give it a chance, take some time, everything will be okay.

Don't push your luck, Howard.

ROBIN LEACH: The countdown to our Live- Life-Like-A-Millionaire Sweepstakes...

Hey. Hey, honey.

Robin Leach says we should move to Antigua.

Oh, yeah?

Come on, hurry up. Snap to it, I'm ovulating.

I'm in the middle of important show research.

Howard. Seriously, come on.

You know what? You're getting baby fever.

Maybe it's premature, I'm about three days away from getting fired, the way I figure.

And you gotta think about the economics of this.

You're the best morning man in the history of radio, any minute you'll be number one.

Is that so? Yeah, strip!

Look at yourself. You're on fire about having a baby, you don't understand, I'm not a piece of meat. I have to be romanced.

Oh, yeah? Please!

Ooh. Look at that bra. Where did you get that?

You like this?

Okay, that's it! I am making a baby!

It's baby time! I'm ready to give you a baby. Hold on.

Now I'm hot. Now I actually want to have sex. I didn't before, now I do.

ANNOUNCER ON TV: Lifestyles of the Rich and Famous...

Robin, watch this.

What am I doing?

Uh, having a seizure?

No, that's not a seizure.

That's me dancing because I'm happy 'cause I got laid last night.

Oh!

Yeah, I really did. Fact, it was not for lust it was 'cause I was making a kid.

Oh.

Fact, my wife's eggs are very old, but my sperm is super sperm, so I'm sure everything was delivered in one shot.

Oh, yeah. Your sperm are fine. My sperm are fantastic! I'm fantastic.

I'm in a good mood, let's take some phone calls and see what's doing.

Okay. Hi, you're on the air.

WOMAN: Hi, is this Howard Stern? This is Howard.

Oh, whoa. Anyway, I was calling 'cause I have a really big problem.

What's your problem?

Well, every morning, I lie in bed and the only thing I can do is think of you.

Oh, really? Well, let's see if we can help you with your problem.

What do you look like?

Well, I've got blonde hair, I've got blue eyes, and my measurements are about 38-24-34.

Some people tell me I look a lot like Farrah Fawcett.

I can help you. Robin, I can help this girl.

You know, we have the most beautiful audience.

We certainly do. We're very fortunate that way.

To solve your problem, I'm gonna have sex with you over the radio.

WOMAN: How are we gonna do that? It's simple. I've thought this through.

First, are you listening to us on a transistor radio or a big sound system?

WOMAN: I have one of those big sound system.

Good. Okay. Turn the treble down, and put the bass all the way up.

The treble's down and the bass is up. Got it.

HOWARD: Take your speaker. You got a big speaker?

Yes, I do.

All right. Lay it flat on the floor and sort of straddle the speaker.

Howard! WOMAN: Do what?

A woman cannot be aroused in that way.

HOWARD: This is where you're wrong, Robin. You're absolutely wrong.

In fact, my father was a radio engineer and he proved this theory years ago.

You've got to believe.

Now, what I need you to do is, put your private area over the woofer.

WOMAN: I can't believe you're making me do this.

HOWARD: Come on, do it.

Right up against it so you can feel me.

I'm on. HOWARD: Good.

ROBIN: I have to ask her a question. Yeah.

What kind of a woman are you to have sex this way on the radio?

Don't answer that question. Bad question, Robin.

(GIGGLES) You'll ruin this woman's mood.

She might start second-guessing.

Are you ready to have sex? WOMAN: (GIGGLING) Oh, my God.

(HUMMING)

Ooh!

(HUMS)

Oohh!

Ooh. It kind of tingles.

See? It tingles. She likes it.

See? Yeah, sure!

(HUMS)

Ohh! Oh...

(HOWARD HUMMING)

She's full of it.

(WOMAN MOANS) (HOWARD HUMS)

Aahh! Ohh! Oh, God! Oh!

Listen to her, Robin, she's going wild. You got me moaning.

(MOANS)

(HUMMING)

(WOMAN MOANS) (HOWARD HUMS)

Oh, my goodness.

(LAUGHS)

This is the best sex I ever had!

Ooh. Standing ovation. Thank you. ROBIN: Oh, boy.

Take your bows.

A woman on the air had an orgasm. Have you lost your mind?

But you have got to admit, it was funny bit. The audience loved it.

We just lost Stereo City.

This is not Muffler Man, guy. This is Stereo fucking City!

Dee Dee, do you know there'll be other sponsors.

No, there's not. Howard, 'cause your career is over. You are finished.

Come on! how can you say that? Dee Dee! I don't believe it.

What's the matter? He's up.

He's up? In the new ratings book, two points.

I love you. Two full points and Pizza Shack called!

They want to buy time on the Stern show.

I love Pizza Shack. I go to Pizza Shack all the time.

This is a great time to talk about putting some money into the show.

I know a guy out of Hartford who does voices, he does comedy...

Absolutely not. This could be a fluke.

I guarantee, we'll go up two full rating points if you hire this guy.

This guy must be hot.

The guy is total personality. He is electric.

(ROCK MUSIC PLAYING)

Hey, Rick! How's tricks, buddy?

I don't know, Fred. I've been coughing all day.

I feel I'm about to cough up a lung.

(COUGH)

Waaa!

BOTH: Oh, no, it's Lucy!

HOWARD: Thank you. Thank you very much. I appreciate it.

(ROCK MUSIC CONTINUES)

HOWARD: Once the three of us were together, everything felt right, I mean, things really started to take off It's then that I made a startling discovery.

She's a very beautiful girl.

You're telling me this beautiful woman is a lesbian?

HOWARD: Lesbians equal ratings.

Let me say something. I am the hero of the lesbian community, am I not, Robin?

I guess you are. I absolutely am.

Alright, now, let's get into it.

Julie, tell us about your first lesbianic experience.

Okay.

Tell me about the secret world of lesbian sex.

Well, Howard, I was 18. Oh, you were so young.

Right, and I was working at a summer camp. Yes.

And I was lying in my bunk when the camp director's wife walked in.

Ooh, now, that's hot.

Uh, everyone was asleep, and I'm lying in my bunk and she sees me looking at her.

HOWARD: Then what happens?

JULIE: She, like, signals for me to go with her.

HOWARD: What are you sleeping in? 'Cause this is what I picture.

Little cotton panties, and a tight little undershirt.

- No, I'm wearing my baby doll pajamas. Oh, you tease.

JULIE: So then she takes me into this tent.

And when you walk in, lesbians all over the place, right?

A whole lesbian sex festival, right?

(JULIE CHUCKLES) Oh, you know it, Howard.

MAN: Howard? Howard?

"Alison on line three. It is important."

Do you believe this? In the middle of Lesbian Dating Game, my wife calls in!

ROBIN: Maybe she wants to play!

Honey? You want to play the game? You want a date with Julie?

- Am I on the air? Yes, honey, of course you're on air.

I told them I wanted to talk to you off the air.

But, honey, you're in the middle of interrupting a beautiful, sexy moment.

You've got to tell everyone.

My audience wants to know why you're interrupting. Don't you, Robin?

I think we deserve to. Yes, honey... uh-oh, Al?

I think she's gone. No.

- I'm pregnant. What?

I'm pregnant.

ROBIN: Congratulations, Howard!

It's my super sperm.

I knew my super sperm would do it, Robin.

You are so blessed. Julie says we're blessed, honey.

And Julie would know these things.

ALISON: Well, I appreciate her support.

Can we talk privately now?

Absolutely, sweetheart. Wait a minute.

Does she know what she's gonna have? Is it gonna be a lesbian?

Oh, please, Robin! You've gone too far!

No offense, Julie. Please. I don't need this aggravation.

We're gonna take a break. We'll get back to making out with the lesbians after these words.

Hi. I can't believe it. ALISON: Hey.

I know. I can't believe you made me do that on the air.

It's so exciting. Did you call your mother?

I called, I called.

I feel so different. Oh, my God. Oh, my God.

I know. I'm flipping out, too.

I'm somebody's father. - Oh, my God!

CROWD: (CHANTING) Howard! Howard!

REPORTER: Love him or hate him, unconventional disc jockey, Howard Stern, jumped to the top of the ratings today, making him number one in Greater Washington.

HOWARD ON TV: I took a dump of a radio station and we returned it to glory!

HOWARD: I look like Hitler.

I was thrilled, totally overjoyed.

I mean, we were going to have our first child.

And six weeks later, the new ratings came out.

We destroyed every other station in the market.

My life was perfect.

I'm gonna grab this guy's hat. If they show it.

HOWARD ON TV: I'll tell you another thing...

Look, watch this. You'll miss it. Come here.

HOWARD ON TV: I am Officer Howie, and there's a new law in town.

We're taking it over.

ALISON: How?

HOWARD ON TV: I love you.

(CROWD CHANTING)

Al, you okay?

I think something's wrong.

Even if I put you in the hospital, and I pumped you full of every medication possible, you still would've lost the pregnancy.

Your body rejected what was going on, and that's healthy.

It's such a good way to look at it.

And you know in a couple of months, we're gonna try to have a baby again, and everything's going to go great.

And you're gonna be totally confident that everything's going good because you know your body would reject it if it wasn't going right...

You know?

I have to tell my parents.

Not really. You don't have to tell your parents.

You know what you could do?

I didn't wanna tell you this. I took a Polaroid of the toilet.

We can mail them a picture, and they can walk around Florida saying, "This is our grandchild."

And your mother will be so happy, she just wants pictures.

She just wants pictures to show her friends. You know that.

She just wants to be like all the other yentas who walk around.

You know, we could name the baby and everything. Clompy, Clompy Stern.

She could walk around with your father and little Clompy pictures.

CHOIR: (SINGING) Oh, the weather Now, here's God Your Holiness? There you are. HOWARD AS GOD: Hello, Howard.

I see your wife had a miscarriage.

Aww, don't bring that up, God. Please, that's way too personal.

- You tried to have a baby and failed. Oh, man!

- Now the baby is with me. Oh, this is cruel.

Boy, what a loser you are!

ROBIN: Wow! He's getting awfully personal this morning.

Hey, God, me and my wife are trying to have another baby.

A real man would've done it right the first time, Howard.

Oh, for God's sake.

It will be pleasant today, rain tomorrow.

(BABY CRYING)

That's my kid up there. - This is God with the weather on DC 101.

You're all wrong, God. You're completely out of line this morning.

I don't think we should be talking about this.

I went to the doctor with my wife, and it was an awful experience.

Because the doctor walks out, there's your kid, your beautiful child.

And he is no bigger than the size of an Aspirin.

Howie Jr. No bigger than the Aspirin. ROBIN: Was it a boy?

It was a boy, yes!

And then, uh, you look at him in the formaldehyde jar.

I said to my wife, "Honey, don't be upset he's in a jar."

"We'll take him out of this office and bring him home"

"and next week take him to the zoo in a stroller."

Oh, please! I don't want to talk about it, Robin.

I really think you need counseling. I'm gonna play a record. DC 101.

We've got some good tunes for you. Robin will analyze me when we are back.

Very sad music.

(TAPS PLAYS)

Not that, Fred! Play something else. For God's sake.

DC 101, here's rock 'n' roll for you.

(MUSIC PLAYS)

Hi! Al, are you home?

Hi. How you feeling? You okay?

How could you do that? Do you think that was funny?

You think it's funny to make jokes about our personal life like that? Asshole.

What are you talking about? What do you mean, am I talking about?

Alison, I love you. What are you talking about. I'm not trying to hurt you.

Not everything is for your audience. I need our life, that belongs to us!

I'm there five hours a day. I'm trying to come up with material.

I hate going out. Too bad!

I said, when we came here, if I was going to win on the radio, I'd have to talk about everything. I couldn't hold back.

Come on. Last night lying in bed, we were laughing about this.

I just assumed you thought it was funny.

It was funny for us last night. Privately, for us.

Alison, if I don't talk about you and me on the air...

Shut up! Shut up! We won't make any money!

Shut up! You disgust me. I can't even look at you. Idiot!

It's hard when he shares our personal details of our life together with, you know, millions of listeners.

I wish that there were more things that could be just ours.

But I think it's right that I go crazy, you know?

You know, I think...

I don't know. It's not simple.

Our entire Washington radio audience has disappeared.

It seems the competition has a disc jockey that's caused a shift.

One disc jockey has wiped out our entire audience?

Can we get him?

I've got such good news. It's gonna blow your mind.

All right. You go first. Okay.

All right, that's rude, you go first. Go first!

Okay. Listen to this.

I listen to radio. I like show. Oh, thank you.

But don't make fun of Chinese people. Make fun not funny.

I didn't make fun of the Chinese people, did I?

Probably.

I bring egg rolls.

What is your news? What is it? It's unbelievable.

I got a job offer from WNBC in New York.

Afternoon Drive, the most powerful station in the chain, $150,000 a year.

And they said, if I do well, they'll syndicate my program over the country.

This is everything I want. It's the dream. The Big Apple!

I'm pregnant.

You're pregnant?

Mm-hmm.

Come here. What?

Just come here. Oh, my God.

Pregnant?

So, what's going on? What's going to happen?

Everything's good.

Yeah? She's gonna get naked? Yeah, sure! Of course!

All right. Let's get her out. Let's do it.

Okay. She'll get naked?

Yeah, that's why we're here, man. Okay.

Okay, honey? Hi. How's it going?

Hi. Good. Hi, Gary.

Hi. Good. Good, good. How're you doing?

I'm sorry. I know I told you I'd do this, but I really changed my mind.

I don't want to do it anymore.

Okay. What's, uh, like, what's the problem? What are you worried about?

I just changed my mind...

MAN: What do you mean? You are doing it!

I wouldn't drive here for you to change your mind.

It's just very humiliating to me. It's not a big deal.

We've done it a lot on the show.

And I think Howard would appreciate if you do it for us.

No, I just changed my mind, I'm sorry.

I know I told you I'd do it, but now I don't want to do.

I think it's very humiliating.

MAN: This is not humiliating, it's show business. You've a great body.

Let everybody see it. I mean, you're beautiful...

You're my husband, don't make me do something I don't wanna do.

MAN: I'm proud of you and I want you to do it and that's why we drove here from Jersey.

What the hell is this donkey here for? Nobody said anything about a donkey.

MAN: It's a show business donkey! It's not part of the act.

You'll feel at ease once we go just do it.

It will just take two seconds.

Guys, I need to know are you going to do it or not?

Yeah. You are doing it. No. I'm not.

You're my husband, you should support me!

Howard goes to New York. Thanks for nothing, guys. Let the donkey go.

Come on guys. Wrap it up, they're not doing it.

(UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYS)

REPORTER: What you're about to hear will shock you, because it's vulgar and obscene.

It's X-rated radio. Barnyard radio.

All of you mommy's and daddy's out there who complained to the station, I got something to say to you.

Here. (PASSES GAS)

REPORTER: This is a story with a twist.

While we were producing this report, Howard Stern was lured away from Washington by a New York City station.

That station? You guessed it, it's WNBC...

(TV CLICKS OFF)

This person is coming to work at our flagship station?

Yes.

Brad, you gave this trash-talking bastard a three-year deal without hearing him on air?

Yes, Roger.

He's on the FCC's most wanted list!

Roger, his rate... Chuck, just show him the numbers.

Through the roof.

No, no. Don't bother. You're fired, all of you! Get out!

Get out!

You know, unless he quits, it costs half a million dollars to buy Stern's contract out.

I reject that on principle.

Uh, well... Mr. Erlick, if I may...

Put me in charge of the Stern Show. Let me ride herd on him, I'll mold that son of a bitch into another Don Imus.

When I'm through whipping him, the boy will ask permission to wipe his ass.

You want to tame him? Yeah.

Either I'll tame him or I'll make him so crazy, he'll quit.

So, either way, we win.

I tell you, these halls are, like, legendary. It's pretty wild.

Kenny, Howard Stern. Hi, how you doing? Great to meet you.

It is a pleasure to meet you, Howard. What can I say? This is unbelievable.

Kenny's the hottest young programmer in New York City.

Howard, you listen to him, 'cause he's a genius.

Come on, now! (CHUCKLES)

Play nice. Good seeing you. I will see you later.

He's terrific.

Oh, yeah, he's been terrific. Everyone's been so nice.

Have a seat. Sure. Thanks.

Oh, Howard, Howard, Howard...

(BOTH CHUCKLING)

Howard, the way we work here at NBC is a more professional manner than you're used to.

I don't care what you did in Washington. That's chicken shit radio.

Here at NBC, this is real radio.

The first thing you got to do is say the call letters properly, okay?

Now, I'll teach you how to say them. I hope you can get them.

Because you don't have a real good voice like Imus or Captain Frank, so we'll have to practice it. Well...

Can we practice in here now?

You won't get bashful on me now, are you?

Okay, you ready? The way it's said properly is...

WNBC.

This is key. Come on.

WNBC.

No, no. It's got to be more like this. (CLEARS THROAT) Listen up.

(VOICE LILTING) WNBC.

You hear that kind of lift? The "NBC"?

(OVEREMPHASIZING) WNBC.

(TOGETHER) WNBC! WNBC!

In my mind, I am hearing... I'm saying exactly what you're saying.

No. Actually... WNBC!

You know what, you got to listen to Imus. Imus does it perfectly.

Tell you what. I'll take you down to Imus office right now and you can hear how he does it.

Come on boy, come on. I got to tell you something, Kenny.

I always saw myself as different to Imus, that's why you hired me.

You are original, but... (CLEARS THROAT)

You say lot of offensive things.

Occasionally, you are real funny, but you got to learn to do what Imus does.

He doesn't actually say the bad thing himself, he says through a character.

How about you go on the air, 3:00 a.m., and show us some characters?

Okay? Good. Now...

I'll go in, see how he's feeling. You stay here, okay?

Mr. Imus?

HOWARD: Back then, Don Imus was the number one disc jockey of New York.

So I was kind of curious to meet him.

IMUS: You are interrupting me.

KENNY: I have Howard Stern outside. Who outside?

Young man from Washington... Stern's outside my fucking office?

How did Howard Stern get outside my office?

Well, I'm not gonna meet that stupid fuck.

He's nothing.

Fuck off!

(RADIO JINGLE PLAYS) 66, WNBC Hello, I'm Robin Quivers.

It's my pleasure to introduce you to New York's newest disc jockey.

HOWARD: (LISPING) Ooo-ey! That's me! I'm Lance Eluction on WNBC!

WNBC. I'm so excited, because I am New York's first-ever gay DJ. Ever!

And now I want to introduce to you someone so marvelous, so wonderful and supportive to me, my life mate, soul mate, love mate, he's everything to me, Mr. Blackswell.

Wilkommen. Bienvenue.

Welcome. Oh, Robin, it's so lovely to see you here today.

Hi, Mr. Engineer. Give me a kiss. (BOTH KISSING)

You two are just adorable together, and it's wonderful to have you here.

But I understand, there's already been a problem?

Yes, you know, I was in the program director's office.

His name was Pig Vomit.

Because he looks like a pig and he makes you wanna vomit.

Pig Vomit says, "This is not WNBC. It is WNBC."

I was not saying the call letters right. A big problem.

To rectify this, I brought in a cup of Blackswell's semen.

Semen? I squeezed it myself.

I hope it's not too tangy.

And what are you going to do with it?

I'm gonna gargle with this and practice the call letters until I get it right.

You think that'll work?

I don't care, because I love the taste of a man. Ooga.

BOTH: Ooga. Ooga.

Can I have some music now, Mr. Engineer, please?

Would you, please... Give us a record, por favor.

(DISCO MUSIC PLAYS) Okay. Thank you.

Now, watch and learn.

(VOCALIZING)

(GARGLING)

(SAYING CALL LETTERS) (GIGGLES)

There she blows!

(HUMMING WITH RECORD)

Oh, can you believe it? You just swallowed!

I swallowed! Oh, my God! Waste not, want not, Robin.

Oh!

I wanna say, "I love WNBC!" See? It works.

I can say it! WNBC!

WNBC, please hold. WNBC, please hold. WNBC, please hold. WNBC, please hold.

WNBC, please hold.

So, we gave him some characters, right?

Get in here.

You goddamn motherfuckers.

You fucking waltz in here and think you know everything.

I worked my fucking ass off to get to New York City, and you are not going to fucking blow it forward for me!

I was doing characters... Barry, Jerry, clarify the situation.

Page 108, paragraph three. "No jokes dealing with flatulence,"

"excretion, urination, ejaculation, or other bodily functions."

Note paragraph two. "No use of the seven dirty words."

"Cocksucker, motherfucker, fuck, shit, cunt, cock and pussy."

From now on, all your little bits are under two minutes in duration.

All scripts, and I do mean all scripts, require my personal approval.

Welcome to NBC, Howard.

(RADIO JINGLE PLAYS) 66, WNBC It's time for The Match Game!

(GAME SHOW MUSIC PLAYS)

And thank you, Mr. Announcer! Hi, My name is Gene Sternburn.

Welcome to Match Game.

We have a lot of excitement in the air because we have some great panelists.

Let me introduce you to everybody.

Firstly, let me introduce a very charming and beautiful lady, Miss Brett Summers! How are you?

(GRAVELLY VOICE) Hi, Gene!

Hygiene, that's something you don't have!

ROBIN: Hey, back off.

Okay, and let's now go over to somebody who I really admire, the ex-US President, Mr. Richard Nixon.

(IMITATING VOICE) Hello, everybody! Hello.

I'm very honored to introduce to all of you a special man.

He's on the show for the first time, Mr. Jackie "The Joke Man" Martling!

Thank you, Gene. Let's play our game now okay, shall we?

We're going to ask you to fill in the blank. Okay?

Now, I want you to listen carefully.

Our first clue up is "blank" willow.

"Blank" willow.

(MUSIC PLAYS)

Let's go to Brett Summers. What do you have for us?

The only thing on my mind, Gene, was pussy.

Uh-oh.

Pussy! All right! Pussy willow. That's what I'd have said.

Let's go to Dick Nixon. What did you have? "Blank" willow?

In any language... pussy! All right!

Let's go to our newest member, Mr. Jackie "Joke Man" Martling.

I didn't write it too neat, so I have a sloppy pussy.

A sloppy pussy!

A sloppy pussy... Are we talking about Brett?

Let's keep going.

Now it's going to get rougher. Everybody ready?

"Blank" a-doodle-do. "Blank" a-doodle-do.

(MUSIC PLAYS)

"Blank" a-doodle-do. Think about that while our celebrities are writing.

Dick Nixon, our own ex-President, what have you got?

It takes a Dick to know a cock, and that's what I wrote, cock-a-doodle-do!

That's what I would've said. Seemed like the obvious answer. Over to Jackie.

Gene, I have cock. I wrote it big, I have a big cock!

Uh, I don't think you can say "big cock" on the radio. I think that's a no-no.

But I just said "pussy." She just said "pussy"!

Pussy is okay. It's the way he says it.

"Big cock" coming out of your mouth sounds awfully dirty.

I can't say "big cock" but you can say "big cock coming out of my mouth"?

That's correct. That sucks!

Did you say "big cock coming out of your mouth sucks"?

Enough nonsense. Over to Brett Summers.

Just like the boys, I've got "cock"!

Do me a favor, hold it up so I can see your cock.

Don't you have one of your own? There it is, cock, cock, cock.

We have to end this fun now. Give yourselves a big hand.

(LAUGHING) (CLAPPING)

Okay, let's have a little music, Phil.

You did not have permission to do that. I never approved that script, Howard!

Wait a second. Calm down, Kenny.

There's a perfectly good explanation. I'm all ears, Howard. Let's hear.

I gave the script to Fred.

(AS NIXON) And I gave it to Robin over there.

Oh, that's right. I'm sorry, Kenny. I forgot to put it in your box.

There you go. Perfectly good explanation.

It'll never happen again, Kenny.

You're right she'll never do it again. You're fired.

What?

Gather your things, let's go. Wait, she had nothing to do with it.

It was all me. Pack up your shit. I'm not kidding.

You can't fire someone over one lousy bit. You can't fire them.

Oh, yes, I can, Howard.

Robin, get the fuck out!

Listen to me, give me a couple of days, I'll get you back on the air, I know it.

Forget it. They're trying to break us apart.

They're trying to beat us.

That's the whole point. We should quit and go somewhere else.

If I quit, they win. I don't want them to win. I can't quit!

You're not gonna quit? No.

You'll let them throw me out like garbage?

I want to stomp them into the ground.

Only way to do that is to stay on the air.

You're pathetic! I'm not pathetic. Give me a few days.

I can convince these guys to bring you back. I know I can do that.

I know I can do that. I have the ability.

Fuck you! How can you say "fuck you"?

(HORN HONKS)

Hey move it, asshole!

She hates me. She thinks I'm total scum. She thinks I'm lower than scum.

She thinks you're letting her take the fall.

What do you think?

You've been loyal to everyone you've worked with. That's the way you are.

You'll find a way to get her back.

I feel sorry for NBC. As soon as you start in on them, they'll be sorry they ever fired her in the first place.

You're right. I know.

Howard, Fred. Meet your new newsman, Ross Buckingham.

Hi. Pleasure. I'm looking forward to joining the team.

Now, old Ross here's is quite lively.

And he'll fit in well with your special brand of humor.

As a matter of fact, I'm an old comedy man myself.

I've done light comedy in my younger years.

Summer stock, mostly.

Hundreds gathered in Central Park this afternoon to remember John Lennon, who was murdered two years ago today.

Lennon's killer... Let me ask you. Were you a Beatles fan?

Uh... yes, I... I was, once.

Lennon's killer, Mark David Chapman... There's a guy we gotta talk about.

Mark David Chapman. What do you make of him?

He's probably in prison right now enjoying himself. Electrocute him!

You gotta be with that program, huh, Ross?

I hope this was a good idea.

ROSS: Uh, I think we're supposed to have the news.

HOWARD: Forget that. Repeat after me, "I wanna kill Mark David Chapman."

(MUSIC PLAYS)

(RADIO JINGLE PLAYS) 66, WNBC Are we ready in there, Freddy boy? We've got our next phone call.

Ross, guess who's on the phone? I really have no idea.

Just take a wild guess. Do it right off the top of your head.

Um...

This is a good one. It's a good mystery guest.

Um...

What an ad-libber, Ross! I don't want to put you under pressure.

Hi, is this Betty Jean Rushton? - Yes, it is.

Betty Jean, hi, it's Howard Stern, WNBC!

- I work with your husband, Kenny. Yes, Kenny's mentioned you.

Oh, I bet Kenny has.

The reason I'm calling is your husband has been very bitchy lately.

I think maybe if you gave him more sex...

BETTY JEAN: More sex?

Yeah. He's backed up. Isn't he backed up, Ross?

BETTY JEAN: Yes, you might be right about that.

HOWARD: Oh, really? I think I am.

Do that again, I'll kill you! I need Robin, she's the anchor.

That's what's missing!

You have violated my wife! You soiled the sanctity of my home!

I didn't do anything. I'd never have called his wife if Robin was with me.

She's the voice of reason. I'm struggling in there...

You know what you are, Stern?

You're the Antichrist. Yes! What?

You are the motherfucking Antichrist!

Kenny. Take it easy.

This is an exciting day for us here at the studio, because we have stage star, Donna Porter.

She is here to talk about life in the theater.

And Donna, I don't know if you know this, but our own news guy, Ross Buckingham, actually has some theater experience as well. Don't you, Ross?

Do you want to tell us about that?

Yes, um... I once did some summer stock.

I know you're very proud of your summer stock experience, when you went on stage the very first time, did you ever get nervous?

No, I was quite comfortable. HOWARD: I see. That's very interesting.

Then, in 1926, General Sarnoff formed NBC Radio, America's first network.

I guess you could say I was a little nervous the first time I was ever on stage with a 12-inch kielbasa.

Now why is that? Can I show you?

Sure, we'd like to see what you have.

Right now, you're getting a look at a live broadcast of The Howard Stern Show.

Thirteen inches! You're licking whipped cream off a kielbasa.

You're jamming the kielbasa all the way down your throat!

Oh, my God! Look at that!

The entire kielbasa is going down! She has swallowed the entire 13 inches!

Look at that, 13 inches, ladies and gentlemen!

Wow. You gotta love that, folks! You love that, don't you, Ross?

Ho-ho.

Ross Buckingham, have you ever seen a woman swallow an entire 13-inch kielbasa?

When you were in the theater, did you ever work with a kielbasa?

What he did to me today was the most unprofessional and insulting experience of my life!

I hold you and this station personally responsible.

If you want to fire me, fire me. Go ahead!

But I refuse to work with this man one minute longer!

Good day.

Okay, it's 5:35 at WNBC. Time for the news.

I'm not real good at this, I confess, but I'll try.

Who the fuck are we gonna get?

Beats me. No one wants to work with him.

Is it Monaco or Mon-a-co?

Monaco? That's what I thought.

Well, anyway, she's dead...

What about Kelly Landers?

Absolutely refuses. Says she'd rather quit.

HOWARD: (ON RADIO) ...I have a theory that he cut the brakes on the car.

Now, I could be crazy, I figure a guy married as long as Prince Reindeer was ready for a new wife.

Princess Grace was beautiful, but she was losing her looks.

Let's be honest. There were bags under those eyes.

In other news, one of Italy's highest-ranking police officials...

Kenny, we are one of the biggest radio stations in America.

We can't just not do the news.

My program director Pig Vomit gets assassinated by Sicilians in Palermo.

That'd be wonderful.

I want to pray to God right now.

Jesus Christ, who I love more than anything, I am begging you, please send a hitman to the USA to kill Pig Vomit finally.

I love you, God. I'll do whatever you say if you make that come true.

(MUSIC PLAYS)

(RADIO JINGLE PLAYS) Howard Stern, WNBC So if we bring Robin back, you'll behave?

Absolutely. Robin's my anchor. You can't trust him.

Kenny, that's not fair.

Quite frankly, I'm a little hurt that you're so incapable of being supportive.

And, Vin, please, if you hire Robin back, I promise you won't be sorry.

You have my word.

Thank you.

We hate noise, isn't that right? Yeah. Makes me nuts.

No. It's a very quiet street. You'll like it here.

(RHYTHMIC KNOCK ON DOOR)

Excuse me.

You're back. I got you back! It's a miracle of all miracles.

I can't talk right now. Oh, hello. How are you?

I even got you an office. You're all set.

I'm showing my apartment now.

You're looking at this apartment? There are roaches the size of dogs here.

I don't advise you living here. Excuse me for a second.

Take a look behind the fireplace, you'll see!

Excuse me, I'll come back and tell you...

What the hell do you think you're doing?

Robin, you got your job. So what's the problem?

The problem is, when I needed you, you didn't stand behind me!

Robin, those guys are assholes. They screwed us.

We've gotta get back and beat them!

We were supposed to be a team, Howard! We are a team, for God's sakes!

We're gonna be the greatest team in the history of radio.

Come on, what's the big deal?

Look at me, Robin.

See this? You know what I'm doing? I'm begging you.

I'm begging you. I'm serious!

I'll kiss your feet. Look at these yams. Look at these feet.

I'm worshiping your foot. What are you doing?

You have the most beautiful feet. People are looking at us.

Hey, Robin, you love this, don't you? (GIGGLES)

It gives me great pleasure now to welcome back on our show the very beautiful, multi-talented, uh, vivacious, tight-sweatered, beautifully big-breasted Robin Quivers, I love her!

Thank you. May I say you are big-breasted again?

No! Thank God you're back.

'Cause the show sucked without you.

Actually, I just want to say how much I really missed you...

Aww.

That I do love you, and I'm just so glad you're back.

Okay, Mr. Rushton, you pick up the phone and it rings into my booth.

Good. But don't answer it!

Immediately disconnect Stern's microphone, dump out of the delay and go straight to a record.

That will be it, sir. Always have a record ready to go.

Yes, sir.

This little puppy's finally gonna get housebroken.

Oh, look, it's unbelievable. The underpants are coming off.

The first naked lady in the history of radio!

Sans panties, sans bra! I am shocked.

So am I. This is disgraceful. We should be taken off the air.

You've finally done it. Ohh! Beautiful! You're a work of art.

Did you know that? Thank you, Howard.

To ensure our place in the history of radio, Mandy has agreed to give me a massage while she's nude.

What does a massage have to do with making it into history?

Who knows? I don't know! Massage-smage!

I got to get touched. I can't wait, Howard.

I'll tell you something. I'm not kidding. You are beautiful.

My thoughts are in the gutter. Understand what I mean?

This is the Tudor, right? Central hall plan. Very traditional.

Only reason it's for sale is because they're divorcing.

Would you believe 80% of my listings are from divorces?

HOWARD: What do you suggest we do here?

Why don't you come lay over here and get comfortable?

I can do that, all right. I can't believe it!

Don't hurt yourself getting there!

I won't. All right, hold on a second. Let me get my cans on.

Okay. Ooh, you know what? You know...

Oh, man, let me soak you in! Holy cow, are you naked!

Know what I like about you? What?

You're the perfect height for sex standing up! Look at that. Ooh.

ROBIN: Howard! You're married! What?

I am? I mean, I am! Well, I am not married any more.

What do you mean?

Uh... Take a seat. I'll tell you what happened.

My wife was suffering from cancer, I never told you this and she died last night.

I've been single for exactly six hours.

Honey, if you're up there now, I know you can hear me.

And you're at God's side. I want you to cover your ears and eyes.

Besides, you're married to God now.

Your husband's quite a character. Only on the radio. It's just an act.

Oh, oh... that's nice. No one's ever touched me like this before.

You've the look of love in your eyes, but I'm an ugly man. I know this.

You couldn't be physically attracted to me, could you?

Physically, I am.

You're smart, you're sexy.

Wait. Excuse me for a minute, Robin!

I didn't say a thing! Robin, go and get some lunch.

Yeah, go ahead and tell me more about me.

You're funny.

You know what I'd do to you physically? What would you do?

I don't know, but whatever it is, it'd last three seconds!

Three seconds, I'd be finished.

- We'd have sex ten times a day. I want to wrap my legs around you.

The average radio listener listens for 18 minutes.

Mm-hmm.

The average Howard Stern fan listens for, are you ready for this?

An hour and 20 minutes! How can that be?

Answer most commonly given, "I wanna see what he'll say next."

All right. Okay, fine.

But what about the people who hate Stern?

Good point.

The average Stern hater listens for two and a half hours a day.

But if they hate him, why do they listen?

Most common answer, "I wanna see what he'll say next."

Kenny... What?

You better listen to this.

HOWARD: Wanna know something? Come here, I wanna tell you closer.

- I am fully aroused. Totally engorged. Oh, my God!

WOMAN: Well, after the show, we can go somewhere else...

HOWARD: Really? That's great!

You know why I love you? 'Cause you're smart.

And you're practically a virgin, right? Practically!

(BUZZER BUZZING LOUDLY)

HOWARD: Stop that!

I'll be honest with you, I've never said this before.

(MUSIC PLAYS)

I'm a full two and a half inches... What's the music?

We're off the air. Are we off the air?

Oh.

Do me a favor and just stay right there. What's going on?

What are you doing, man? Rushton told me, this phone rings...

Oh, come on, man! Don't listen to Kenny.

I'm just doing what he told me.

Shit, you don't take me off the air in the middle of a fucking bit!

Don't listen to Kenny, listen to me! He's the boss!

Forget it!

Can you believe this? What the hell are they doing?

Yeah. Hi. Can I speak to Kenny? It's Howard from the studio.

Robin, just hold him on the line. Just keep him on the line.

Fred, get me back on the air. Patch the phone call onto the air.

As soon as you can!

Fuck, man!

Patch it in.

(YELLING) I said patch it in!

Yes, Robin, he's here right now. Can I have the phone, please?

Hi, Robin. Are we back on the air? - Yeah, everybody can hear.

I'm outside Pig Vomit's office.

I'll knock on his door. Pig Vomit! - All right.

Come on, Kenny, open up! Why did he cut my show off?

Mr. Stern, he's in a meeting. He's in a meeting?

What meeting is more important than my show? He took the show off the air.

Why did you take the show off the air for, Pig Vomit?

This isn't funny, Howard. It is funny. How would you know?

Don't bring that in. I don't see anybody in the meeting.

I gotta go? Why? Explain to my audience why you had to shut down the show.

I don't answer to you. You do, scumbag!

I'm your boss! I'm your boss! Let's go.

Hey, what's this?

Robin, it's everybody's salary on his desk.

Get out! God damn it, get out of here!

He hit me, Robin! I'm gonna hit you back!

ROBIN: Hit him back!

I hit him back!

You're not getting the phone from me, Kenny!

No! Oh!

Oh, my God, he just hit himself in the face! He's bleeding!

Oh!

ROBIN: What's going on? Vin just got hit by Kenny.

Goddamn it, Stern! You see that? Blood!

Are you okay? No!

It wasn't my fault. I just came in... I'll sue your ass!

Get out of here!

(VOICES OVERLAPPING)

Our first guest tonight is the afternoon drive-time disc jockey at WNBC Radio here in New York City. Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome Howard Stern.

Howard!

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

Have a seat.

Now, uh, Howard, you know... I admire you. I love what you do.

I think you're a pioneer on the cutting edge of radio entertainment.

You and I both work for NBC. You have the radio show, I have the TV show.

How do you get along with the folks? Enjoying the experience?

I hate it at NBC. It's the worst. It sucks.

All the management at NBC, a bunch of creeps!

And I'm not afraid to say it right now.

And it's funny, because I know you feel the same exact way I do.

You told me on the phone personally last week that you do!

Couldn't be happier. Everything is fine.

I don't understand them at all.

Now, Howard, let's get back to the issue of them being creepy.

Now, when you say they're creep...

He makes us sound like idiots on the radio and criticizes us on television.

I thought you were gonna control him! Oh, well, we are, sir.

In fact, we're designing a more restrictive program...

Shut up! How are his numbers?

The official ratings don't come out until tomorrow.

But we've got some projections.

Stern has gone from a 2.9 to a 5.6.

(CHOKING)

He's number one in the market.

He's the hottest DJ in New York.

(COUGH)

Kind of weird, you know?

I thought there was a mistake or something, but, mm-mmm... No.

My girlfriends think I'm crazy for letting you behave like that on the air.

What are you talking about?

It's those yentas you hang around with. They're... They're driving you crazy.

It's not yentas, it's everybody.

I can't even get my hair done without people looking at me like, "Oh, God, that poor little thing."

Then go to a different hair shop! Please. It's not that.

It's crazy. Don't go there. It's not that!

No wonder they think you're sleeping around, look at me!

What about you? I'm disgusting!

I look like a house! Like an elephant! You look beautiful.

You don't look like an elephant. You look gorgeous.

This is the most beautiful you've ever looked. You're carrying our baby.

Let's sit down on this couch. The problem is you're tired.

I am tired.

(WHISPERING) Look at this. It's beautiful.

It's beautiful. You're beautiful.

You know it though, don't you?

(DOORBELL BUZZES)

Who would come here? I don't know.

(DOORBELL BUZZES)

I don't want to get that.

(DOORBELL BUZZES) Oh.

Okay, I'll get the door. Don't go away. Okay.

(DOORBELL BUZZES)

Howdy, partner. Oh, hey, Kenny.

How you doing? Can I come in just for a second?

It's a bad time. Real quick. Listen.

I wanna tell you something.

You've won.

When the new ratings come out tomorrow, you are going to be number one.

A point and a half higher than Imus. You've slayed him.

You understand me? (CHUCKLES)

Great news. Thanks, Kenny. I gotta go. Howard! Howard! Howard, listen...

I've been a real pain in the butt, but that's all over with now.

You're gonna need a friend on the inside.

I'm gonna do everything I can for you. How's that sound, partner?

Fuck you.

(CHEERING)

People of New York, people of Earth, we are gathered here today in praise of me!

(CHEERING)

Man, this is a great day in my life.

I've been dreaming of this day forever! Thank you.

Thanks!

When I got to NBC, they treated me like I was a jerk.

They did everything to sabotage me, but because of you...

(CHEERING)

Because of you, I am now the number one disc jockey in New York. Thank you.

I love you for that. I love you.

Thank you!

This is my gift to you, New York! AC/DC!

(ROCK MUSIC PLAYS)


How, my water broke. What?

My water broke!

(ROCK MUSIC CONTINUES)

(INDISTINCT SHOUTING)


(TIRES SCREECH)

(SIREN WAILS)

How!

Now, push, push! No, don't push. Just breathe deeply.

Don't push honey. Ice chips. Fuck ice chips, How!

We named her Emily, 7 pounds, 8 ounces.

She was incredibly beautiful. Really nice.

You must've felt fabulous.

Yeah. I had everything I'd ever wanted in life, you know.

You know, I have to admit that I'm not a big fan of yours. In fact...

You thought I was a disgusting, sexist, racist pig, who had the maturity level of a three-year-old, right?

Yeah, exactly. Yeah, I get that all the time.

But then you know what happens?

What? I grow on you like a fungus.

(GIGGLES)

I can see that.

I have to tell you, this has been a really great flight.

Really?

Mm-hmm.

I could get this girl. I know I could. And this is the hell that's my life.

Think about it. What would it be like to have sex with her?

It would be amazing!

But I'm not gonna act on it. You know why?

Because I'm a schmuck. No, because I love Alison.

She stuck with me through the whole thing. You gotta respect that.

I think you have to respect that.

You have to respect that.

Hey, everybody! GIRLS: Daddy!

Boy, did I miss you!

(KISSES)

Let's go say hi to Mommy.

Hi. You miss me? Hi, honey. I missed you.

Gloria! Honey, Gloria.

Gloria, honey. Maybe the two of you'd like to have a ménage à trois tonight?

Huh. You know what? Maybe some other time.

Just trying. See you, Gloria. Yeah, I know.

HOWARD: So, occasionally I make a fool of myself in public, and the FCC wants me off the air, and every fundamentalist group in this country hates my guts.

And, yeah, most of the things I do are misunderstood.

After all, being misunderstood is the fate of all true geniuses, is it not?

But my life isn't bad at all. I'm still on the air.

I've got my kids. And I've got Alison.

Alison, she's the best friend I could ever have.

Who knows? With a little time, the right energy, I think I could talk her into some hot lesbo action.

(ROCK MUSIC PLAYING)

STUTTERING JOHN: The movie's over? MAN: Well yeah, it's bullshit!

Know who I am? Stuttering John. You know why I'm pissed? I'll tell you why.

I get up at 5:00 a.m. every morning to work for Howard, pissing off every publicist, burning every freakin' bridge in the industry, and (STUTTERS) you'd think Howard would put me in this movie, but he doesn't!

No, he doesn't! I'm not in the movie!

I've been here for eight years cutting his potato, getting smacked by Morton Downey, punched in the nose by Raquel Welch.

What do I get? Fucking nothing! I'm not even in this fucking movie!

He says I'll be in the sequel.

What sequel? If the movie sucks... (STUTTERS) There won't even be a sequel!

(ROCK MUSIC CONTINUES)


ANNOUNCER: Ladies and gentlemen, Mia Farrow.

(APPLAUSE)

Thank you. Thank you.

The nominees for Best Actor are Harrison Ford...

(APPLAUSE)

Denzel Washington... (APPLAUSE)

Robert De Niro... (APPLAUSE)

Tom Hanks... (APPLAUSE)

Howard Stern.

(SILENCE)

And the winner is...

Howard Stern.

(MURMURING)

(TRUMPET FANFARE)

It's me!

(SNAP)

(GASPING)

(CROWD CHEERING)

(ROCK MUSIC PLAYING)


I bear no grudge against Howard Stern.

He's been very successful. God bless him.

But I ain't done too badly myself.

Uh...

I manage a shopping mall down in Florence, Alabama.

It's the number one mall in Colbert County and number four in the state.

So it's not too bad. Uh...

I play golf several times a week, you know.

Uh...

But I tell you, if Howard would've listened to me, I'd still be up there in radio.

Still be doing radio, you know. (JACKHAMMER DRILLING)

How about that?

That goddamn motherfucker, you know?

(JACKHAMMER DRILLING)

I tried every... thing... (JACKHAMMER DRILLING)

I could... think of... (JACKHAMMER DRILLING)

To mold him into a proper kind of DJ.

But that... (JACKHAMMER DRILLING)

I tell you, Howard Stern, man.

That mother... (JACKHAMMER DRILLING)

(SIREN WAILING)

I'll say that with no shame either.

The man's a... (JACKHAMMER DRILLING)

Foul-mouthed, immature... The man's immature, you know.

He's like a... child. (JACKHAMMER DRILLING)

I'll tell you this much.

There ain't no God while Howard Stern's walking the Earth.

(JACKHAMMER DRILLING) I gotta go.

How about that? Howard Stern, huh?

Howard Stern can kiss my ass in hell!

(JACKHAMMER DRILLING)