Private Resort (1985) Script

Oh, yeah!

Okay, women,

let me see you move.

We got a lot of nice girls out there.

What a party we got here, yeah!

You're looking hot.

You can't believe it? I'm telling you, this is the place to be.

And we got four days here? This is unbelievable.

I'm dreaming. I'm dreaming.

Yeah, you're looking good, baby.

Oh, my God!

All right!

Yeah, let me see what you can do, girl.

Oh, yeah.

Let me see you dance, people.

Oh, yeah!

Hey, girl, bring it to me, baby.

Yeah, you got it.

Give it to me now. Yeah, bring it on.

No, no, no, no, no, no, baby.

It's fine.

Let me see you move.

All right now. Let me see you get your hands together.

Look at that.

All right.

Move it, baby. Move it now.

Hey, girl, bring it to me, baby.

Yeah, you got it.

Give it to me now. Yeah, bring it on.

No, no, no, no, no, no, baby.

Watch this.

All right now. Let me see you get your hands together.

Look at that.

Oh, honey, meet Johnny.


Gin and tonic. That'll be $6.50.


Can I help you guys?

Two beers.

Good thinking.

$12. Yeah.


This party is for resort guests only.

You'll have to come with me.


Excuse me.


Hotel security. And he takes his job very, very seriously.

I'd say so. I bet he does.

Hey, Tony, I need two vodka tonics, one white wine.

And nine kamikazes.

Okay, you got it?

She's something.

No way, man, she works here.

Look around this place. It's the Promised Land.

We're gonna have an insane time, I'm telling you.

Hey! Hey!

I already warned you to stop doing that!

Okay, okay.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, but you ought to know by now.

You're talking to me, the best.

You know what they call me?

Yeah, yeah, listen to me. I'm sorry, okay?

What do they call me?

The Maestro.

That's right. The Maestro. So don't worry. I always do the job.

I'm watching the old broad right now.

I just don't want you wasting time looking at tits.

I'm telling you for the last time. I'm getting ready.

Gonna give my hair a little trim, and then I'm gonna kiss that rock off that old lady's throat.

And if that doesn't work, I'll rip it off, neck and all.

Whatever it takes, the rock's in your pocket.

It better be!

Very tough guy.

Baby, did you find me the barber?

He's in the room setting up right now.

He expects to meet you at 2:00 on the button.

Good. How about another pink flamingo?

All right.

Watch the hair! Don't, no! Watch... Water!

I'm so sorry.

I wasn't watching where I was going.

Oh, no problem. Happens here all the time.

Patti, what are you doing to this guest?

Are you okay, sir? I'm okay.

Look, she spilled something on you. I'm sorry.

Apologize to the man. No, it's okay.

I enjoyed it.

I'll see you later. Okay?

Stay away from the hotel guests.

Especially jerks like that.

It was an accident.

You know, this should come out of your paycheck.

But I'm gonna let it go. Only because I like you.

Remember, you owe me one.

Maybe we could get together tonight after work. What do you say?

We'll see.

Hey. What are you doing, man?

See her? See who?

The waitress. I'm in love.

Come on, man, I told you.

She's here to work. We're here to play.

Take a look at that. Hey, Edna.

Look at this.

Observe the master, okay?

Hi, Edna. Hi.

Listen, I'd love to get to know your friend. You know, if she's available.

What about it? Maybe.

Here, let me help you out. Sure.

Hey, what, are you causing trouble again?

No, I'm trying to give her... Could you help me here?

Hi. Hi, honey.

Here you go, honey.

Oh, heck!


Remember, you can't go swimming. You just ate!

Okay, Mom.

Look at that!

Wait a minute.


Why don't you take a nice swim?

Mommy says I can't. I'll get cramps.

Good. Hey, get off me! Get off!

Get off me!

Get off! Come on, no!

I'm sorry. Were you sleeping?

Well, I guess I was.

But it's a good thing you fellows woke me up.

I think I'm getting a sunburn.

You look a little red.

Well, that always happens to gals with skin like mine.

Really? That happens to me, too.

No kidding. Yeah.

Listen, I've got the best sunburn stuff in the world.

Why don't you come on up to the room? I'll even help you put it on.

Well, thanks a bunch, sugar, but I never go to strange men's rooms.

Okay, I'll bring it to your room.

Are you always this forward with strangers?

Only with beautiful women.

Well, you're kind of cute yourself.

With all these good looks in common, we should get together.

Sounds like fun, but Bobbie Sue's gotta run.

Bye-bye. Bye.

She loves us, she loves us.

Hey, look, she forgot her key.

Excuse me, miss! No, no, no.

Wrong. What?

She didn't forget her key.

She left it for us, let's go.

You're crazy. Right now.

Boy, I'd pay to see this.


Oh, God!

Hello! Is anybody home?

Anybody home? She's not here.

What are you doing?

What am I doing? What does it look like I'm doing?

This babe's hot. You think she brought us up here to talk?

You're nuts. I'm going. No, Ben! Don't leave.

I'm telling you, when she gets here, she's not gonna wanna waste a lot of time, you understand? Just relax.

Are you sure she left the key for us?

Of course she left it for us. What do you think?

Are you sure? Yes.

How do I look?


Really? That's great.

That's her! You tell her I'm in here. I'll be in the bedroom, okay?


Hang this up, close the door. Come on, let's get to work.

You're early. Early?

My wife tell you about my hair? Your wife?

Well, you're the barber, aren't you?


What, do I hear an echo here? Are you the barber or not?

Yeah, I'm the barber.

All right. Well, let's go. Let's cut the hair.

This is a very important job.

I don't want it to look like I just had a haircut. All right?

Just want a little trim from the side, a little from the top.

Hey, come on, put the cloth on me, come on.

Come on, let's go, let's go. I don't have all day.

How long you been doing this? Not long.


At this hotel. Not long at this hotel.

My hair is very, very important to me, do you understand?

All right.

I don't want you to experiment or anything. No. No.

I want you to be very, very careful here.

Just a little bit off the side, a little bit from the back. Yeah.

Make sure it's very, very even down the back of my neck, all right?

Just be careful. Take your time.

Give me that phone, come on, give me the phone, kid.

Give me that phone.

Hello. Yeah.

Listen, do you want me to kill her?

All right, I'll kill her. I'll get the rock. But don't bother me!

Now look, I'd... Hello?

Hello? Hello? Get the door. Get the door.

Now give me a bourbon, kid.

Come on, I don't need this job.

Can you imagine that? The guy hung up on me.


That must be my little Hubie-boobie.

Don't call me that in front of the kid, here.

Oh, honey.

This is your little Bobbie-boobie talking.

Now, I'm gonna...

I'm gonna take a little nap.

And you know how Bobbie Sue hates to sleep alone.

I'll be there in a minute, baby.

Give me that drink, kid.

I'll be waiting, sugar.

I'm getting sleepy.

No, no.

What are you doing here?

What do you mean? You left us your key. Are you crazy?

My husband will kill us both if he finds you here.

What are we gonna do? Well, get dressed.

I can't. Your husband's sitting on my clothes.


Come here. Ben.

Come here. Get my clothes.

Get them!

Oh, boy!

Are you done already? Yes, sir.

What's this?

Don't take that off. Leave it on for one hour.

All right. Let me give you a tip.

No, that's okay. No, no, no.

Come on, I always take care of my people.

My husband's coming!

Come on, come on.

You know, I fell asleep out there?

Is everything finished up out there, honey?

Yeah, yeah. Strange kid, but nice.

I hate to tell you, baby, but you need a shave.

You're getting a little hairy.

Good afternoon, sir. I am the hotel barber. You sent for me?

I changed my mind. Thanks a lot.

You cannot change your mind.

I had to cancel several other appointments to fit you in.

Just put it on my bill.

I'm sorry. It must be cash. Those are the hotel rules.

Get off of me! I don't want a haircut.


I must insist. Get out of here!

You put your money in the other drawer.

Barber's a strange kid. Strange. But he's nice. He's all right.

Kids these days. I don't understand.


These kids these days, you know, I just...

What a day, huh?

This is crazy! Sorry.

How could you do this to me?

Who's this guy?

Good afternoon, sir.

My name is Jacques. Would you like a manicure?

Never mind.

Can I see them? No. Here.

Here's a tip for the both of you.

Thank you very much. Thank you very much, sir.

It's all right. Go ahead, kid. Thanks a lot.

No, don't, it's not dry!

Oh, don't worry about it. It's fine.

Is something wrong, sir?


Come back here! Come back here!

What is going on around here?

That's what I want to know. Who are you?

I am the head of the hotel's security. Oh, yeah?

Look what your hotel barber did to me! Look at this.

This is all your fault!

Yeah, right, Mr. Create-a-little-part-down-his-head.

Two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight.

In and out. In and out.

In and out. In and...

All right, guys, is it in or out?

What? In or out?

We have a class going on.

In or out?

We gotta run. Thanks, anyway.

On second thought, yes, we'll stay.

Turn around, and work out with the class, or get out!

Down. Do the deep knee bends, ladies.

If you're gonna do it, do it right.

Doing the best I can.

Eight, down, up.

Down, up. Down, up.

If you're gonna do it. Do it right!

You made my back go out, you cow!

All right, that's it! Out of my class. Now! Right now!

First, I'm gonna kill that barber, then I'm gonna come back and get you!

Everybody, arms out.

Flat back. Squeeze.

All right, he's gone. Let's get out of here.

Two, three...

No way. I'm in love., eight.

And reach. Two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight.

Miss? Yes?

This hotel has a dress code in its public areas and I'm afraid that that swimsuit is a bit too revealing.

It's just a bikini.

Nobody else complains when other girls wear their bottoms like this.

Stop that! And fix this...

Oh, I'm so sorry!

What are you? Some kind of a pervert?

Reeves, you are a disgusting filthy animal!

Not so fast, Herr Nagel.

There's been a very serious complaint.

You massacred a very distinguished guest. And he's very upset.

You know nothing! You are nothing!

I am being a barber for 22 years!

And you still haven't gotten it right!

I can no longer tolerate insolence from a house dick, a pervert, a...

You trying to insult me, Nagel? Yes!

I'm warning you.

Go ahead.

Make my day.

If it wasn't for you and that stupid key, I wouldn't be...

All right, all right, one little mistake.

But just because some idiot gorilla with a gun hates our guts, are you gonna let that spoil our whole weekend?

Sit down, sit down.

Hi. Hi, there.

Can I get you something? I'm fine. I'm fine. I gotta run.

How about you?

You look great.

Oh, thanks.

Listen, I hope I didn't get you in any trouble before when I knocked over your tray.

Oh, no.

I just started work here this week, so he's taking it easy on me.

Good. Seemed like that guy was giving you a hard time.

Well, he thought I was flirting with you.

Actually, I'll have something with a lime.

What, is he your boyfriend? No. Something with a lime?

Oh, no! What's wrong?

I dropped something.

Listen, can I take you out tonight?

What time do you get off?

Oh, I can't. It's against the rules to date the guests here.

Well, I won't tell if you don't.

I would like to, really, but I just can't go out with any guy who asks.

I'm not any guy. Come on.

Well, okay.

I get off at 11:30.

But I don't know if this is such a good idea.

Patti, what are you doing under there?

Oh, no!

There are guests waiting for service.

Come here. Right back, sir.

All right. What the hell was that?

I mean, every time I look around you're with that guy.

He lost his watch.

Yeah, well, you're about to lose your job, okay?

Just stay away from that guy. I'm telling you this for your own good.

Really. Thanks.

Wait, wait, wait.

Can I still give you a ride home tonight?

I've already got a ride. Thanks, anyway.


Dude, excellent coat.

You should try something in a red, though.

This place is insane! I'm having a great time.

A mom and a dad! I'm home.

Is this place always this crowded?

Wait till we get to the sauna.

You are a pervert!

Who's that girl, right there? Dana Rawlings.

I gotta get to that girl. You know anything about her?

Oh, just everything.

Everything. Right.

Now to get to her, first you gotta get through her.

That's the grandmother.

Now she won't let just anybody get near Dana.

You gotta be a, you know, a lawyer, or a doctor, or both.

I'm neither one of those.


I don't know. Yeah, you don't know.

Excuse me, is there a Dr. Marshall here? I have a phone call.

Phone call for a Dr. Marshall.

Dr. Marshall? That's me.

Thank you. Thank you.

Hello, Dr. Marshall here.

No, no, I don't operate on Mondays.

Yeah, I operate on Tuesdays.

Say that again?

Yeah, well, I'll see you in surgery, huh?

Okay. All right. Bye-bye.

Gotta really stay on top in this business, you know?

You must be very important there, Doctor.

Jack. Jack Marshall.

Jack Marshall.

Of the Philadelphia Marshalls? Yes, that's right.

How wonderful!

You know, your father and I once knew each other very well.

I'm Amanda Rawlings.

You're Amanda Rawlings.

How nice. Dad talks about you all the time.

There's Dana.

Hello. Hi.

Hi, sweetheart.

This is my granddaughter. Dana, this is Dr. Marshall.

Jack, I believe we've already met. Yes, we did. Sort of.

You've met? How nice!

Exactly what kind of doctor are you?

What kind do you need?

Dana, this is such an odd coincidence.

I've known Dr. Marshall's family forever.

He's just the kind of young man you should be dating.

Are you busy tonight?

Oh, no.

Excellent! Dana would love to see you this evening.

Great. And so would her cousin Shirley.

Who? My other granddaughter. Lovely girl.

You don't mind if I bring a friend? No, no. That'd be great.


I don't want to be here. You keep getting me into trouble.

Come on, pal, don't let me down.

Look, if you don't keep her cousin busy, I'll never get Dana alone in my bedroom.

I told you I have a date at 11:30.

No problem. Just wait till you meet her. She's a knockout.

I hope so. Here we go.

Hi, come on in.

Dana, this is my buddy, Ben.

Hi, Ben. Are you a doctor, too?

One of the best. He works in the morgue.

How interesting.

Where's Shirley? She'll be right out.


What do you think? Very nice.

I know how to pick them, huh? You do.

Shirley, hurry up, your date is here.

Oh, my God!

Oh, there you are.

Deal's off. No, Ben. Come on!

Jack, Ben, this is Shirley.

Hi, Shirley.

Call me Hali Zumba.

That's her spirit name.

Hali Zumba.

My cousin studies the teachings of Babi Rami Nani.

That's Baba Rama Nana.

He's the greatest of all spirit forces.

No kidding! Fascinating.

Very interesting.

So, what do you say we hit the street?

Sounds great. Are you ready, cousin Zumba?

Oh, I don't feel like going.

But you go ahead and have a good time.


Ladies first.

Whoa, where are you going? I'm not staying here with that nutcase.

We made a deal. Yeah, and you said she was a knockout.

Come on, Ben, you're embarrassing me!

All right, so she's not Miss America. Give her a chance.

Maybe you'll learn something about Nana Banana.

You might even get laid.

Come on. She's an ice cube.

Oh, God. Ben, stay here.

Look, a couple of these will put her in heat.


Quaaludes! The love drug.

I'm telling you, one pill will make her so horny she'll melt in your hands.

Jack. Jack, are we going? Yeah, we're gone.

Come on, Ben!

Don't get too crazy, you two.

Okay, Jack.

And don't forget those aspirins.

I like your name.

Why do you take aspirin?

I have a headache.

Care for one?

Excuse me, but my eyes could not believe me.

Such a lovely flower like you here, my dear.


No, no, I'm drinking champagne.

The bubbly.

Allow me to introduce myself. I am Count Igor Kaminsky Repulsky.

But you can call me Rip.

Would you care to dance?


Dance, dance. Would you care to dance?

I beg your pardon?

Dance! Dance!

I'd love to.

Wonderful. Please. Please come.

The broad's deaf.



One more time.

You glide like a butterfly.

Count. What are you doing?

I couldn't resist giving you a little hug.

You naughty man.

What happened to your hair? It's a long story.

Will you excuse me, please? I think I'm getting a terrible headache.

Wait, perhaps we could...

Thank you for the dance.

Dude. Hey, nice hair.

Get out of here, kid. Hey, thanks, dude.

Nice hair, who does it? Get out of here.

How is your headache now, Raga Lama?



Listen, this has really been interesting. Thank you. But I have to go.

To get rid of a headache is not enough.

You must strive to be happy.

I'm happy.

No, that is not a happy body.

Not until you are totally free.

Be free with me, Raga Lama.

You must lose your artificial layers.

Oh, my God!

You mean my clothes? Yes!

Quickly. They hold back the joining of our souls.

Now remove the final shell.

Final what?

Your underwear.

Gaze upon the face of Baba Rama Nana.

Can you see the beautiful light shining from his eyes?


Can you feel your spirit growing?

Yes, I can.

So, Jack, I hope your friend behaves himself with cousin Shirley.


Well, Baba Rama's totally against sex.

How do you feel about sex?

Oh, I think it's fine.

But never on the first date.

You're still gonna need a full checkup.

Please, Baba Rama, come into my soul.

Come to me.

Come to me. Yes, come to me.

Come to me. Yes, come to me.

Come to me. Yes.

Come to me. I can't take it! Yes! Yes!

No! What are you doing?

Flesh cannot touch flesh in the master's presence!

I'm sorry. I'm really sorry.

Believe me, I swear. Really. I swear.

I didn't know.

Now I must re-purify myself in the night air.


Close your eyes.

Approach the master.

Now repeat, come to me.

Come to me.

Come to me.

Come to me.

Come to me.

Come to me.

Come to me.

Come to me.

I'll be back soon.

Come to me.

Come to me.

Listen, Baba Rama, please, let me screw her.

My head.

Count Igor Repulsky.

So suave.

And so sophisticated.

What a shame about his head.

I hope I didn't offend him by running away.

Because I do have a splitting headache.

Come to me. Come to me.

Come to me.

Let me out. Get away from me.

Baba Rama, help!

Ouch! Please.

Get out of here, you vile, degenerate scum.

Get away from me! Get away from me!

Get out of here! Out of here, you degenerate!

Aspirin. What angel left these?

I'd better take four.

Hi, how are you doing?

Good evening, sir.

Jack, let me in! Jack!

Jack! Ben?

Yeah, it's me! Let me in!

Come on, buddy, Dana's starting to weaken. Give me a half hour.

Jack, if I don't put something on, I'm gonna get in a lot of trouble. Now come on!

Those Quaaludes are killers, huh? Hang on.

Just a minute, young man! Hi, how are you?

That's pretty unusual evening wear.

This? Bathing suit. I was just going down to take a swim.

That's odd. It looked to me like you were trying to break into this door!

No. It's my room. May I see your key?

Here you go, buddy. Have fun.

You pervert! Choo-choo, Twinkie, attack!

Go on.

Get them off me! I can't stand these dogs!


You bastard! You bastard!


Kill! Kill! After him!

Come over here. I'm in a spot. Could you help me out here?

Come here.

Could you help me a second? Come over here.

Just come over here. Right here. That's it.

How are you? Just help me out. Stand right here.

And help bring this up. That's it.

Hold tight. That's it.

Help bring... That's the way. There you go. That's very good.

I've never seen a gentleman hung upside down before.

Okay. Okay.

Thank you very much. God!

Oh, my God. I'm sorry. Me, too.

Bring it all the way up. Yes.

All right, thank you. All right. Here. Here. Here. Okay, here you go.

Here, quick. Leave. Go. God bless you.

Through hanging around, sugar? Oh, honey, I hope that thing's working.

Now sit and eat your din-din. I'm not hungry.

I came so close to getting that diamond, so close!

If it wasn't for this lousy haircut, I would've had it!

If I catch that barber, I'm gonna blow his head off!

I'm gonna slice him up like a goddamn salami!

Honey, relax. Relax.

Just relax. Yeah, relax. Relax.

Your hair will grow back.

Go on. If I don't get that stone, I'm gonna be a dead man.

Oh, sweetie, everything's gonna be all right.

No, it won't. Yes, it will.

Why don't you go take that nice, hot bath I ran for you?

I don't wanna. I'll join you in a minute.

We'll play "peek-a-boobie."

"Peek-a-boobie"? Really? All right.

All right, honey, what took you so long? Come on in here.

Daddy's been waiting for you. That's it.

It's peek-a-boobie time!

What the...

You! You!

Your barber was here again! Yes, sir, and he made you look much better.

Morons everywhere! Morons!

My grandmother's probably home by now.

She can take care of herself.

Be right back.

Hey, Ben, had a wild time, huh? Yeah. Thank you!

What's wrong with you?

You still here, huh? Yeah.

What happened to your big ride? I don't know.

Well, my offer still stands.

If you wanna go.

Come on, Patti, I mean, you can't wait here all night.

Let me just give you a ride home.

All right. Okay. Great. My car is right here. Check this out.

See, I got the custom pinstripes and wheels there. Like it?


I guess you could call this our first date, huh?

It's just a ride, Scott. Okay?

I want to make sure that you understand that.

Okay, okay, I was just kidding.

But you never know what might happen.

I think I need another aspirin.

I love a man in uniform.

Hello, sailor. Looking for a little fun?

Mrs. Rawlings, please, you... Mrs. Rawlings!

I am the barber in the hotel! Mrs. Rawlings!

Will you please control yourself!

I like it! I like it! I like it!

Mrs. Rawlings! Mrs. Rawlings!

Don't worry about the pain, Liebchen! I have aspirin!

I like it!

Hey, Ben. How are you doing? Been looking all over for you.

Can I help you guys? Beer.

I tell you honey, lust is a crazy thing.

I'll be right back, sweetie. Don't you go away.

I should've known, Curt.

Our first night here and you're already hitting on other girls.

You've got it all wrong, babe.

I'm just sitting around, having a couple of beers with these guys, right?

Yeah. There, you see! Why so suspicious?

You want to stay here and chase girls? That's fine with me.

Because I'm gonna go out there and pick up on the first guy I run into.

Yeah. Beautiful.

Come here. Do me a favor. What?

If this guy tries to leave, you stall him, okay.


Because all I have to do is be the first guy that she runs into.

You're crazy, man. Look at the size of him.

Look, just don't let him go back to his room, all right?

Did you miss me? Oh, yeah.

Did you really mean it? I mean, about the first guy you run into?

I sure did. What room are you in?

My boyfriend may show up there.

It's got to be your room. Come on.

How you doing?

See the blonde over there?

Pretty nice, huh? Wants me to take her back to my room.

Your room? Don't do that. Why not?

Here. Take her to my room. Okay?

Your room. Hey, thanks a lot. That'll help me out.

Why don't you do me a favor? Walk her up there for me.

This way I don't get caught.

You're kidding? No, man. This is serious.

Come on in.

Oh, what a cute place. Thanks. Make yourself at home.

Can I use the bathroom? Yes. Right there.


Jack, I think I'm going to be sick.

Why does this have to happen to me?

Oh, no. What?

Her boyfriend is on his way up here! How could you do this to me?

What could I do? He was going to his room. You said you were gonna be there!

How's about a drink, sailor? That's just what you need.

Who is it? It's him. We're dead.

Hurry up! Okay.

Hi. Come on in.

Hey, nice place. Fruit and everything.

What are you doing here? I live here. We're sharing the place.


I'm kidding.

Oh, hi, Curt.

Oh, yes, yes, yes. Honey.

Hold all my calls, okay?

Funny guy.

This is it, this is it. Right here?

This is the place. You are so strong.

What should we do?

Go, go. Hurry up.

One second, honey. Honey, I'll be right back, I promise.

Hey, you guys got something to drink?

Sure. Great.

Gin, okay? Fine.

Seems you had enough to drink already.

Help yourself. Hey, thanks a lot.

You guys really know how to party. Yeah, we're celebrating. It's Ben's birthday.

How nice. Happy birthday. Thanks.


Look, one more thing. You guys got some protection?


Is that enough? Yeah. For now.

Thank you.

Thanks a lot.

You're a great guy, you know that?

Thanks. I mean that.

You are, too. No, no, no, you.

Thanks. Hey, look on your shoulder.

Thanks. Thanks.


If we get out of this alive, I swear I'll never do anything for anyone again.

Who is it? Maid service.

Just a minute!

Good evening, gentlemen, is there anything you need?

No. Everything's fine, thanks.

Good. Then I'll just turn down your beds for you.

Don't! We like to do it ourselves.

That's his sister. She's sick.

So thanks for everything. You've been really wonderful.

Why don't you come back when you have more time?

You're very cute.

Go, go, go! Hey, fellows!

To the balcony. To the bar, man! Go.

Come here, you animal.

I'll be right back.

Hey, guys, you got some cigarettes around?

Yeah, yeah, we got some cigarettes. Sure, right in here. Come on. Right in here.

Hey, hey, hey! Don't push. Come on, come on!

Where is she?

You lying son of a bitch! Help!

Who is this slut?

I'll kill you! I've had enough... Is there a problem here?

No. You son of a bitch.

No problem. I'll kill you!

I thought I heard screams.

Who is she?

Who do you think you are?

No! Everything's fine!

You little punks! You set me up!


Come back here! You creep, I hate you.

Another round?

Hey. Where are you going? Going home.

I thought you were here for the whole weekend.

I changed my mind.

Oh. I guess you also changed your mind about meeting me last night.

Oh, yeah, me. I was here. I saw you leave with that guy.

Well, you were a half an hour late and I needed a ride.

Believe me, I really wanted to go with you.

Really? Yeah.



You know, you can always change your mind again and stay.

What for?

Tonight might work out better. Yeah?



Patti, let's go. You got work to do.

Okay. One minute, Scott. No. Right now.

Okay, I'll be right there. Okay? Excuse me.

Let go of me. Hey, that hurts! So what? I told you not to talk to that guy!

Just let go, okay? Hey, let her go.

You stay out of this, okay? It's none of your business.

Yeah, it is.

Are you all right? Yeah, I'm...

Come on. Scott! No!

No! No, stop! Please!

You keep your nose out of other people's business.

And you, I'll talk to you later. You jerk.

Are you okay? Yeah.

I'm so sorry I got you involved in all this. That's all right. That's all right.


Thank you.

Hello, my darling. Count! What an unexpected pleasure.

And just in time for brunch.

Are we alone? Just the two of us. Isn't it romantic?

Can I get you anything? I have orange juice, coffee, even a bit of champagne.

My dear, but I think you know what I want.

You don't mean? Yes. Yes, I do.

I'm sorry if I led you on.

I wasn't myself last night. I'm flattered that you're interested in me, but I have other commitments.

No. I don't think you understand.

I want your diamond.


Now listen good. I don't want brunch, I don't want romance, I want that diamond!

Rip! Rip, my ass! Give me that diamond!

No way, buster! Come on. I don't have time to play games.

Give me that diamond.

I got you now. Come on.

Count Rip.

Okay! Okay. No more Mr. Nice Guy!

Now I'm gonna have to hurt you. Come on.

And stay out!

Count, my ass!

Hello, operator?

Could you give me security, please?

Security? Oh, yes. I...

Put it down. Come on, put it down.

All right, lady. Playtime's over.

First, you're gonna give me that diamond.

Yeah, then I'm gonna lock you in the bathroom.

Then you can karate the shit out of yourself. How's that sound?

Yeah. "Count, my ass," huh?

Come on. It's noon already.

Besides, you said you'd take me to the fashion show.

Come on, I'll race you to the shower. Come on.

You win.

Good morning. Sure is.

Surprise! Hi.

Hi, Ben.

Hi. I missed you. It's only been seven hours.

I know.

I missed you, too.

How did you know I was so hungry? I didn't. You ordered all this stuff.

No, I didn't. You didn't?

Oh, I did, Ben.

Oh, I see.

Well, sorry to interrupt you two. See you.


Patti, come on, let me explain! Just leave me alone, okay?

Yeah, I know. I know. You know it is.

It's the barber!

Oh, Hubie, let the poor kid go! Grab a cab. I'll meet you out front!


Come here! I'm not gonna hurt you! Just gonna kill you!

Let him live!

Let's see, how are we doing over here?

Hurry up, girls! We're starting in one minute.

Come on ladies, let's line up.

May I help you? I'm just looking for somebody.

Oh, the Merry Widow! Come on, get in line!

Everyone's ready except for you. Oh, honey.

Honey, would you zip her up, please?

With pleasure. I love widows.

Girls, make this your best show ever.

Let's go.

I've seen them all, baby. But you're definitely a 10.

They call me The Maestro. What's your name?

You know, you look like somebody I... What's the matter? I say something wrong?

Wait, let me walk you.

Oh, I don't know what's taking him so long.

He ought to be here by now.

Hey, wait a minute. Now where are you going in such a hurry?

You don't have to run away from me.

You're the quiet type, huh? That's good. That's good.

I've been looking for you all my life. No, I mean it, baby.

We'd look great together, just great.

Listen, if I... Excuse me.

We have bodybuilders over here? What is this?

I'm serious, baby. When I like somebody, I really like them, doll.

Now, just a little kiss. I want just a little kiss.

Well, hello.

You son of a bitch! Get out of here.

No, don't leave me, baby. Don't get scared now.

I'm not gonna hurt you. I wouldn't hurt you, baby.

Here. I got something to show you. Here. You like this? Look at that.

Ice is nice. Ice is nice. Look at that.

Yeah, ice is nice. Oops. Wait, wait, whoa, wait. Wait, wait.

I need that. All right? I need that. But first, give me a kiss.

Give me a little...


Son of a...

Help me catch that barber. He's a thief. That's a woman, sir.

You moron, that's a faggot barber and he's got my diamond in his tits!

Come on.

Come on.

Come on.

All right. He went that way.

Right. Let's go.

Hey, babe. What, are you crazy coming here?

My girlfriend's in the room over here and your boyfriend puts a gun to my head.

I mean, hey, look, look.

Maybe we could go to your place, huh? Maybe some other time.


Thank you, Baba Rama Nana.

All right, give me this!

All right, give me the diamonds! The diamonds. Come on.

You want my what?

Choo-choo, Twinkie.

Kill! Kill!

Kill! Kill!


Get that barber. Let's go. Come on. Sir, he's definitely not the barber.

I'm not talking about occupations here. He's got my diamond. Come on.

Come on. Come on.


Jack, Jack, help, help. They're trying to kill me.

Lady, I don't know you.

It's me, it's me. Ben?

Let's go. Run.

Stop, or I'll shoot. Shoot first and then yell stop, you idiot.

Come on. Come on. Let's move it. Come on.

Come on.

No! Wait. No!

I hope my Hubie-boobie's behaving himself.


Hollywood. Hollywood.

What's so funny, huh? What's so goddamned funny?

What... Dude, what a look.

You got to show me how to do that.

There. That's how to do it.


Shirley, behind the door.

Can you hear me? Behind the door.

Baba Rama.

First the flowers and now to hear your spirit voice.

Shirley! Cut the bullshit and open this door!


Split up!

Help! Help! Girls, girls. There's a man in there.

All right. This time you've gone too far.

Oh, not you again.

Get him, girls.

Come on.

Where? Upstairs.

So, the big lover is a small time crook, huh?

Hold it.

There they go.

Out of the way.

Come on. Hey, you, come on.

What are you doing? You're gonna kill somebody.

No kidding!

Please, everyone, no need to panic.

Everything is under control.


Leave me alone. We're through. No, let me explain what happened.

I know exactly what...

Patti! Patti!

Are you crazy? You'll get killed. What the hell are you doing?


Ben, Ben.

I'm so sorry. Say something, please. Say something.

I love you.

Party's over, punk. Come on, get up. Give me the diamond. Up.

Come on. Let's go now.

Let go of the diamond. Let's go now!

Go ahead, you wanna dance, kid?

Come on. Get over there.

Good work, sir. You captured the crooks.

My back, you moron.

I'm sorry, sir, but don't worry. I'll keep them covered.

Dude. Dynamite move.

This guy. How are you doing that?

All right, what's going on here? Everything's under control.

These boys stole a diamond.

Yes, that's right. They stole a diamond.

We did not. They didn't.

Let's go, downtown.

Hold it. That man stole the diamond. Oh, no.

Grandmother? Grandmother! Wait a minute.

Wait a minute. It's just... Now, just take it easy, please.

No, please. No, no, don't.

My neck. My neck. My neck.


Hubert, honey. Honey...

Hubie-boobie. Don't call me that.

Are you gonna be very long?

That meter's ticking.


A real grandma.

Granny, you're gonna love this place. It's Jamaica, it's a party city.

You'll fit right in.

Oh, I hope they have this wonderful aspirin there.

They've got boatloads and truckloads. Believe me, more than your share.

I hope I'm not nuts quitting my job. What's a lousy job next to a great vacation?

After all these vacations, I'm gonna need a vacation.

Okay, dudes. You ready to blast off?

No, no, wait. We can't go yet. Someone is missing.

Dana, dear, where is your cousin Shirley?

Be free with me, Raga Lama. You must strive to be happy.

Hey, I'm happy.

No, that is not a happy body.

Baby, if this isn't a happy body, then my name isn't Big Rick.

Check this out.

You must remove all your artificial layers.

You asked for it, baby.

Not in front of the Baba Rama.

Shirley, what are you doing?

I'm meditating.

Well, come on dear. We're leaving now.

Not now. I'm meditating.

And you know that meditation is the most important thing in my life!