Psych: The Movie (2017) Script

[The Dandy Warhols' "Little Drummer Boy"]

*

* Come, they told me

* Pa-rum pum pum pum

*

* Our newborn King to see

* Pa-rum pum pum pum

*

* Our finest gifts to bring

* Pa-rum pum pum pum

[tense music]

*

Buying or selling?

Browsing.

Window shopping, if I'm being completely honest.

I just started my Christmas shopping today, okay?

Every year, I tell myself, start in July, do a little bit each month-- you'll be so happy when the Yuletide rolls in.

And I know what you're thinking: tell us something about the person you're shopping for.

Do they have hobbies, interests, fetishes... allergies.

Well, here's the thing.

I am not entirely sure I want the gift to be stolen per se.

No offense.

See what I did there, half-crackin'?

I said "fence"

'cause you're the premiere fence on the West Coast.

El Proveedor.

[train whistles in background]

Provedor?

May I call you...

Glenn?

[dramatic musical flourish]

*

Who the hell wears a beard over a beard?

Who wears a beard-beard?

Overachievers.

That's who, Jack.

[dramatic musical flourish]

*

Hook-beak!

Double hook-beak.

Finger.

[exhales]

[guns cocking]

[tense music]

*

Hey, whoa, no.

Easy, easy.

Down, down. Put it down.

Everyone. You. Put it down.

[The Ramones' "Merry Christmas"]

* Merry Christmas, I don't want to fight tonight *

* Merry Christmas, I don't want to fight tonight *

* Merry Christmas, I don't want to fight tonight *

* With you

*

* Where is Santa at his sleigh? *

* Tell me, why is it always this way? *

* Where is Rudolph? Where is Blitzen? *

* Baby, Merry Christmas

* Merry, merry, merry Christmas *

* All the children are tucked in their beds *

[screams]

* Sugar-plum fairies dancing in their heads *

*

[gasps]

[groans]

* I love you and you love me *

Oh, come on, let's go.

* The way it's got to be *

* I loved you from the start *

* 'Cause Christmas ain't the time *

* For breaking each other's hearts *

* Where is Santa at his sleigh? *

* Tell me, why is it always this way? *

* Where is Rudolph? Where is Blitzen? *

* Baby, Merry Christmas

* Merry, merry, merry Christmas *

* All the children are tucked in their beds *

* Sugar-plum fairies dancing in their heads *

* Snowball fighting, it's so exciting, baby *

[indistinct screaming]

* Yeah, yeah, yeah

* I love you, and you love me *

* And that's the way it's got to be *

* I loved you from the start *

* 'Cause Christmas ain't the time for breaking *

* Each other's hearts

* Merry Christmas, I don't want to fight *

* Tonight with you

[panting]

Damn it.

[gasps]

Guys. Gentlemen.

Upon further review, this is not my sack.

My sack is... much smaller.

So if you see my sack, would you do me a favor and, uh...

The problem for me is Neil deGrasse Tyson gets as much wrong as he gets right.

[crashing]

I mean, I just don't appreciate being talked down to, especially about astrophysics.

Hawking is in the ballpark.

He gets it half right. He knows that.

Do we have a security person?

[suspenseful music]

*

I'm gonna have to see some ID--

Ugh!

*

[grunts]

*

[gasps]

I don't remember giving you permission to borrow my Hagrid costume, Shawn.

[dramatic musical flourish]

*

Gus, eyes forward.

These guys are armed.

Taking cases without me again?

I have to take on cases without you; you have a job.

I gave the San Francisco detective thing a chance.

Eleven days, Gus. We were here for eleven days before you got a full-time gig.

Look, how many times do we have to do this?

I need security. Security!

Hey, man. Is that sourdough?

You know damn well it's sourdough.

Why don't you, uh, pass half that sweet sandy under the table?

You must be out of your damn mind.

Well, then will you at least do me a solid and go pull the fire alarm?

If I pull the fire alarm, people will evacuate the whole building.

Yes, Gus. That's what I'm counting on.

Okay.

[crashing]

Excuse me, sir.

You guys looking for a transient with half a beard?

He pushed his way up to our elevator and broke my secret Santa gift.

Would you mind taking your business outside?

He's in the elevator?

Probably in the lobby by now.

[snaps fingers] Let's go.

[smooth music]

*

Burton?

Can we have a word in my office?

Man...

[jaunty rock music]

*

* In between the lines

* There's a lot of obscurity

* I'm not inclined to resign to maturity *

* If it's all right

* Then you're all wrong

* But why bounce around to the same damn song *

*

* You'd rather run when you can't crawl *

*

* I know, you know

* That I'm not telling the truth *

* I know, you know

* They just don't have any proof *

* Embrace the deception

* Learn how to bend

* Your worst inhibitions

* Tend to psych you out ih the end *

*

* It's Christmastime again

*

* That magical time of year

*

You do not want to know how far I had to go to get this.

No. And to add insult to injury, they'd never even heard of almond milk.

What?! Any of the nut milks.

Ugh. I know.

What'd I miss? We got eight.

Hey, that's a solid day of work.

Yeah. Let's just pack it in.

[light suspenseful music]

*

Soft pass?

Or nine. I got one more.

Copy. Just don't go alone.

She went alone.

Somebody cover her back.

Kidding. I'm on it.

*

Dude, you literally made every obvious move you could make.

I say this with disappointment, because I was actually hoping to get in some cardio today.

[sniffling] I'm so sorry, Juliet.

What the hell are you doing?

I can explain. Please let me go.

[downbeat music]

*

Go.

He got away?

Yep.

So he was just... transporting the goods from the café to the alley here.

I guess so. That's what it looks like.

Yeah.

[dramatic music]

*

I'm absolutely dazzled by what you've done with the place, Sammy.

Problem is, you were not supposed to be home yet, but I'm nothing if not an improviser.

Billy?

Now let's be honest.

I've never really looked like a Billy.

Call me the Duke.

[laughs]

The Duke?

Is this, uh, "Extreme Makeover: Criminal Edition"?

Looks good on you, though.

Yeah.

Um, in all fairness, though, there is something you should know.

My partner's adamant about home security.

[giggles]

[laughs]

If we're going to do this, then there's a fun fact you should know about me, mate.

I no longer work alone.

Billy...

Come on, there's no need to escalate this.

We can talk this through.

You know I hate negotiation, Samuel.

[gunshots] [groans]

[doorbell chimes]

O'Hara? Hi.

Um, I have a difficult, private matter I need to talk to you about outside of the office.

Okay, sure. Come on in.

Thanks.

Uh, just let me get Richard off to the airport.

Um... your husband's here?

Well, yeah, why wouldn't he be in our house?

Oh, well, it's just in all of the time I've known you, I've never actually... seen him.

Really?

Oh, that's not right. Mm-hmm, yeah.

Just give me five minutes, and we'll ride in together.

[light suspenseful music]

*

Please don't tell her.

What choice do I have?

You put me in this position.

What the hell are you doing, Iris?

There are these girls. They're awful.

But they offered me a chance to be a part of them.

And I just had to prove myself--

You have to tell your mom.

You know they want to make her the police commissioner.

This will ruin everything.

Okay. Here is what you are going to do.

You are going to call me every single day.

You are never to hang out with those girls again, and should you find yourself being bullied, you are going to text me where you are, and I will rain hell on the guilty party.

Pinky swear?

Oh, look at you two.

Best friends. Slightly jealous.

Here.

You ready? Mm-hmm.

Okay.

Chief... you know that thing I was gonna talk to you about?

Y-you have a lot on your plate right now, and it's really not that important--

Okay, just stop.

I think I know what this is about, and it is important.

Oh, God, you do? Of course I do.

But, you know, maybe... maybe marriage was never gonna be the right choice for you.

What?

Oh, God, you know I love Shawn.

And he is an extraordinary person, but maybe your goals and his goals were just never gonna line up in the end.

[laughs] Oh, no.

Um, no. This is not about me.

No, of course it's not, no.

It's about the both of you.

Okay, we are really misunderstanding each other right now.

Okay, but it's easy to notice that you don't wear a ring.

Look, I am in no rush.

I just think the question is, how long are you gonna wait?

I hope I'm wrong.

And I hope it's with Shawn.

Mm.

[ringtone]

Sorry, yeah.

O'Hara.

The man who stole from me entered the boat right behind you.

Tell me how you know him.

I never seen him before.

I'm not foolish enough to lie to you.

Hey, El, we found something on the beard.

Find this man.

This Burton Guster.

[East Asian folk music]

*

It looks amazing, doesn't it?

[chuckles] I just finished the addition.

I matched it exactly with the 30th Anniversary Blu-Ray.

Of "Gremlins"? Cheers.

Shawn, we are eight feet underground at the end of an alley in Chinatown.

Gus, don't be the comma in Earth, Wind & Fire.

This is a glorious triumph, especially considering all the restrictions you gave me.

Restrictions? Oh, let's see here: cable car adjacent, gotta be smelling distance from Ghirardelli Square...

That's half the city with my nose.

And we both know the problem is the name.

You shut your drunk mouth.

That name is spun gold.

It literally looks like a bunch of letters pushed together. psychphrancisco.

One word, all lowercase, ph for the f.

What's not to understand, Gus?

If we're gonna get walk-up traffic, we need a business name that makes sense.

And we can't keep making additions until we get more cases.

[laughs heartily] Gus.

I don't mean to talk down to you, but are you familiar with the expression, "you gotta spend money to buy things"?

That's not at all how it goes, and you haven't heard it both ways. What--

Immaterial, because we already have a case.

A big one. You should sit down.

On what? The rickshaw.

Okay, listen.

Juliet's partner, sweet Sam Sloane-- he's in the ICU.

He was attacked in his own home last night.

He's barely hanging on, Gus.

We got to get down to the hospital right away.

Oh, man. And the police asked for us?

Since when do they have to ask?

Gus, we show up, I do a little of this.

Even less of that. One of those.

The rest writes itself.

Shawn, you know I can't do that.

I have to make all my holiday bonuses just to keep this money pit afloat.

I figured you'd say something like that.

Which is why I'm pitching this to sweeten the pot: as we drive across town, we stop at every single Cinnabon.

I'm listening.

We Pandora up a Prince death tribute--

Shawn, you know Prince isn't really dead.

And by the time we're finished later tonight, you're at the observatory for the Starry Night Telescope Viewing Party on Mt. McCumber.

That telescope party is tonight.

I hear it gets wilder every year.

Not possible, Shawn.

Not possible.

We'll see about that, won't we?

Oh, wow.

Sam has a lot of friends.

Everyone's head's down. That can't be a good sign.

All right, everyone, listen up.

Uh-oh. Whoever did this had Inspector Sloane's alarm code, knew his schedule, and shot him within a minute of him entering his own house.

I can't see anything.

I see balloons over there. He's probably--

We should've brought a cake or something.

Is somebody here?

Hello. Chief.

It's us, Chief.

Yes. Uh, 'scuse us, guys.

I--I get it. It's unfair.

You were here first, but it's just-- it's impossible to see past you all, 'cause you're, like, what are you feeding them?

What are you doing here?

Uh, we--uh, we just came to pay our respects.

Oh, that's very nice of you.

You done yet?

I didn't realize there was a time limit.

Please continue.

Okay, the only thing that we know that they were able to take was Inspector Sloane's dongle.

Oh, my God! It's not what you think.

It's exactly what I think, Gus.

These people are monsters and they must be stopped.

A dongle is a security device.

Sure, for some people.

You stick it into your computer.

Not my computer. Not since high school.

Jules, back me up on this.

Shawn, stop talking. All right.

This particular device allows an officer to access his or her confidential San Francisco PD files.

It's the only way that you can get into the system.

You knew this?

Okay. All right.

So this is different.

What you're saying is a different thing.

My bad. Please continue.

Okay, Inspector Sloane's dongle was right-angled and purple.

Ha, ha, ha.

Oh, my God.

Well, it's a little silly, isn't it?

A word?

Outside.

Excuse us, guys. Sorry.

Hey, hon, what's up?

Why are you here? To offer our services.

He's here to offer our services.

I'm about to go check out some black holes.

That was a bad choice of words.

Out of context, I regretted it.

Sweetheart, this is Sam, okay? He's family.

We're all in this thing together.

Shawn, your offer is lovely, but the answer is no, and don't push me on this.

Go home, go now, good-bye.

Wow. What?

Mm-mm-mm.

Where the hell did you get a waffle?

Don't worry about it, Shawn.

Dude, she's so hardcore.

Shawn, she's dealing with a lot.

You need to give her some space.

Now, listen, tonight's moon is a waxing gibbous and Venus is in retrograde.

So we need to be at that telescope before--

Gus, I can't do this with you right now.

Or ever, for that matter.

Psst.

Guys. Over here.

Nick Conforth?

Why are you hiding?

I don't like hospitals.

Then why are you at one?

In San Francisco, no less.

I came to see Sam.

I was his instructor at the Academy.

He was one of my best. We're still close.

So close that you're hanging outside?

Juliet kicked me out.

Huh. Us too.

Ah, that's not a coincidence.

Listen, I don't know how to tell you this, but she's hiding something.

Juliet, my Juliet? Nick, you sound paranoid.

Plus you're mixing horizontal and vertical stripes.

While hiding behind a reindeer and a menorah.

Hurts your credibility.

It's theologically incongruous.

Look, Sam called me yesterday.

He was adamant no one could be trusted.

I said, what about your partner?

He said, "Especially not her."

24 hours later, he's dead.

No, no, he's not dead.

Sorry. Survivor's remorse.

If this has anything to do with my girlfriend--

Fiancé. Fiancé, you have to tell me everything you know, Nick.

Sam said he kept getting these calls from the same burner number.

Something about "the crimes of Juliet."

He'd narrowed it down to a signal that was pinged off of a tower near Highway 18.

He was gonna check it out.

Next thing I know, Sam's been killed.

He's still breathing. Respirator.

Yes, sorry. That's on me.

Guys, you know I still have my issues.

I crumble like pie crust in the field.

I saw you coming in here and I thought maybe, hopefully, you could check it out, since I can't.

No chance in hell. Absolutely.

Great. You guys are the best.

Go. What did I just say, Shawn?

I don't know, something about waxing Leeza Gibbons.

Shawn, we've been walking for an hour.

There's nothing around for miles.

Aha. What do you suppose the range is on that cell phone tower?

There's nothing here but woods, pollen, and fruit bats.

Ah, ah, ah, oh! What's this?

Sunnyvale Mental Hospital.

Uh, no. I'm not going to another insane asylum, Shawn.

The sun is starting to go down, and all the good telescopes are gonna be gone.

Dues are gonna be doing eye-sneezes all over the equipment.

Man! All we have to do is go to the front desk and ask if there's a patient with cell phone access.

That's it! Then we're off to Mt. McCumber where you can suck it. You suck it.

[together] * Suck it, suck it, suck it *

* Come on, son The hell is an eye-sneeze?

Don't act like you don't know.

[together] * Come on, son

* Come on, son

* Come on, son This is not the road, Shawn.

Well, it has to be the road, because there are no other roads.

[eerie music]

*

What?

Dude.

It says this place has been closed for two years.

That's weird. Shawn, we need to get out of here.

Gus, don't be the tender sweetness of a seasick crocodile.

We need... to go in.

[sighs]

[fluttering]

[cawing]

[animal noises continue]

What is that? I know you hear that.

What is that?

[chittering]

Oh, my God.

Are you playing Pokémon Go?

You know this is how I manage my stress.

I'm trying to hatch a ten-kilometer egg and I'm pretty sure there might be a Jigglypuff in there.

Stop it. You stop it.

You stop it right now. This is--

Gus, somebody tapped into the power lines.

This used to be the high-security ward.

That's why they built it originally as a submarine.

It was never a submarine, Shawn.

You don't know submarines.

I know you don't know. I know that.

[door creaking]

Bad idea, Shawn. What do we think?

I say we slowly start walking backwards so we never take our eyes off of whatever poltergeist is making that glowing over there, and then, we'll be out of the demon's reach.

We wind-sprint back to the car.

I'll leave first because my heart is the purest.

It's definitely the blackest.

My heart is not the-- [moaning]

Dude, that sound is not human.

[scuffling]

Agree to agree.

[snarling]

[both scream]

[barking, growling]

[door slams]

[snarling] [both screaming]

Shawn, I don't care what that light is over there.

There's no way we're gonna get past that snapping--

[shrieks]

Gus, whatever got Sam attacked is right around that corner.

And it's so serious that the bad guys have a guard dog on a pogo stick holding down the fort.

I need you to put on your thinking helmet.

Man! I'll wait.

[grunts]

Chin strap.

[grunts]

You hear that? I don't hear anything, Shawn.

Exactly.

The pooch is gone.

And there's no sign of another human being.

The coast is clear.

[snarls] [shrieks]

Damn it, Gus, is there no end to this?

[growling]

[barking]

Gus, wait a minute.

That dog is a rescue. I don't care!

It means the bad guys who adopted him trained him to be all ugly.

I still don't care, Shawn.

It means I can turn him. Into what?

Rescue dogs don't have ugly hearts.

Shawn, there is no way that dog doesn't eat your face.

Guys, don't be the C above middle C in "Those Endearing Young Charms."

I have seen three and a half episodes of "The Dog Whisperer."

So? [hisses]

[hisses] What are you doing?

I'm doing what he does. Why would he do that?

Because it works. Will you stop it?

You should take off your helmet.

I'm pretty sure it's broken.

[sighs]

I got this.

[creaking]

[grunts]

[growling]

[door latches]

[snarls]

Hi. Hi, buddy.

Who's a good boy? [hisses]

Who's a sweet boy? [hisses]

Sit, sit. [hisses]

[barking]

Gus, Gus!

I'm going to lose.

What the hell is that?

Cherry Chipotle Turkey Jerky.

You've had that the whole time?!

You know I'm a nervous eater, Shawn.

Well, give it to me, for the love of God!

What? You do realize this stuff costs $19 an ounce?

I will pay you back! Come on, son.

Try not to give him the whole thing if you don't have to, Shawn.

Look. Look what I have.

It's all for you, Damien. No.

Shawn! It's not all for him!

Aw, man. Gus, he likes it!

He likes it. Come here.

Oh, come here. Oh.

Who has a heart full of love?

Did you like that jerky?

Oh, look, yeah. Look at this, Gus.

Get in here. Sweet little man.

Thought he was getting adopted by a family with a house and a big backyard, and he ends up here in some haunted, abandoned mental asylum.

And the next thing you know, he's eating $56 worth of organic jerky.

He doesn't deserve a life like this.

I feel the same way sometimes, Shawn.

This is a bad idea, Shawn.

[eerie music]

*

What the hell?

Gus, whoever did this, they have access to the entirety of the San Francisco Police Department.

Dude, Sam put his name on his dongle.

First time that hasn't been funny to me.

Eh... You're right.

It's not not-funny.

This is not good, Shawn.

This is all of Juliet's personal information.

Surveillance photos-- they're spying on her.

You think she might be next?

This document is called "The Crimes of Juliet O'Hara."

Oh, my God. I know.

That's a killer title for a Hallmark movie.

Gus, don't be ridiculous.

Jules would never do a Hallmark movie.

"There's a demon amongst you"?

"She must be judged."

What?

This manifesto basically paints her as Harvey Keitel from "Cop Land."

He had an above-ground pool, Shawn.

Exactly. None of this is true.

[tense music]

*

Anyone expecting a visitor?

Perimeter check, now.

Now!

When I say things, I want you to do them.

That's why I'm the boss, and you're my henchpeople.

*

[growling] Gus, I got to go back inside.

What? I forgot something.

I'm not going back alone, Shawn!

I'll meet you at the car. What?!

Shawn! Just stick to the road.

Keep clear of the moors! Beware of the moon, Gus!

Start the car! Start the car!

Start the car! Start the car!

[engine revs]

Oh, my God, what are you doing, Shawn?

I'm naming him Morrissey. First name Steven.

I'm not leaving with that thing, Shawn.

Fine. I'll drive. Wh--argh!

I got it! I got it!

[together] Don't touch that wheel!

[together] Don't touch your wheel!

It's too late. I already touched mine.

Ow! I know what I'm doing.

Let me-- [dog barking]

Watch out. Hold the dog back, Shawn!

You have a dog in the car. Look, hands off.

Look what's happening now.

I got it. I know what to do, Shawn.

I know what to do. I got it, Shawn. I got it.

Are you familiar with Einstein's definition of insanity?

The dog is blocking my mirror, Shawn.

Blocking--why are you using a mirror?

It's pitch black out here. Your mama's pitch black.

We both wish that were true.

I don't know what I mean by that.

Here we go, here we go. I got it, Shawn.

Bang it out, bang it out.

Come on, Gus, just bang it out.

Bang it out, bang it out, bang it out, bang it out.

Bang it out, bang it out, bang it out.

Wait, wait, wait, wait. You should have it on this one.

Okay, one more. Come on, come on.

I can see it, the light at the end of the tunnel!

Death to the world!

I'm glad you could find a few moments to rest.

Did you find anything?

I detected the scent of black cherry, with a slight hint of chipotle.

We've been compromised.

So I'm gonna have to speed things up a little.

And Christmas, my friends, is about to come a bit early.

[ominous music]

*

[dog barking] [gasps]

No, no, no, Chief!

Don't shoot him! Don't shoot him!

He's a gift! He's a gift for you and the family!

Aww, Mr. Spencer?

What are you doing at my house with an attack dog in the middle of the night?

First of all, it's, like, 9:00.

What time do you go to bed, Chief?

More importantly, we found Sam Sloane's assailant.

He is at Sunnyvale Psychiatric Hospital.

We saw him, or at least his shadow, and a couple other scary shadows.

It was terrifying. Well, did he see you?

Of course not. I'm like a wraith in a London fog.

What about when you went back and stole his dog?

You stole this dog? No. We liberated it.

We liberated Morrissey, didn't we? Yes, we did.

And now he's yours. Merry Christmas.

Do you have, like, a crate or something, just until he gets over this whole attacking strangers thing?

[barking] [yelps]

[hisses]

Why didn't that work for me?

'Cause you're a dumbass, Shawn.

Did you call O'Hara? Of course.

I've been calling her and texting her.

She's not responding to anything.

Why do you think we're here?

You said to gift me an attack dog.

Sure, but that's ancillary.

Are you coming with us or not?

Yes, of course.

Great. Now, would you watch a movie of the week called "The Crimes of Juliet O'Hara"?

It's right up here, Chief.

Right through this...

Spanish Prisoner'd again.

Chief, I swear. You gotta believe us.

There was a whole bank of monitors here, and they all had access to your department's files.

[door creaks] Dude, they're back.

Let's get out of here.

Get out of here? Yes.

Mr. Guster, this is my first field action in two years.

Do you have any idea what the chief of police does?

Yeah, they cut ribbons and stuff.

Exactly.

It's awful.

So, if you'll excuse me, I am going to go shoot some bad guys.

Come on.

Dude, what is the five-second rule on--

Don't. Just don't.

[yelps]

[together] Freeze!

O'Hara? Chief?

What are you doing here?

I came here to help Shawn and Gus.

Jules, we didn't report this.

No, but you ran over 45 traffic cones, tripped four silent gate alarms, and knocked over a Cal-Trans trailer while you were speeding away.

[together] He was driving.

Okay, they believe that Inspector Sloane was attacked because of you, and that they found some rambling manifesto called "The Juliet O'Hara Crimes."

"The Crimes of Juliet O'Hara."

It sounds like an NBC show the way you say it.

Where is this manifesto?

It's gone. Jules, I've been texting you and calling you.

Where have you been?

I asked you guys not to meddle in this case.

Please, just go home.

You know what? No. I am done being nice.

Go home!

Please. No. No please.

No please! [stammering] You know what?

Just get out of here. Go to your... planetarium party. Fine with me.

There's a telescope with my right eye's name on it.

Yeah, fine.

Just be careful, huh?

Sweetheart.

Your right eye has a name? D'Ontario.

What's the left eye? Lisa Lopes.

Walked right into that. You need to tighten it up.

Okay, what are the chances that any of these dudes know how a baby is made?

[chuckles] Hate all you want, Shawn.

But those who look to the stars are destined to find...

[upbeat music]

Oh, my gosh. Whoa.

Okay, once and for all, please explain the thumb to nostril thing to me.

It's my battle cry, Shawn.

I'm gonna go over there and make that woman mine.

It gives me the split second I need to plan my approach.

Sure.

Wait... what is happening?

I don't know.

It would appear that she's coming this way.

Well, that's not right. Do you know her?

Why would I know a woman in a "Nine Planet Solar System" T-shirt?

Well, I don't know her, Shawn, and she's ruining my approach.

I am the hunter. Me.

Cheetahs don't wait for gazelles to hop into their mouth.

Dude, I think you might be the gazelle.

He-dee-ho. Hello.

My name is Burton Guster, and this is my partner, White Privilege.

Eh, that's my bit. I'm Selene.

It means "moon." Is that business card for me?

You know it is. Cell number's on the back.

In pencil.

Wanna look?

I was hoping you'd never ask.

Well, that didn't come out right.

Chief, I'm a good cop.

You're the best cop I have.

I may have an idea who did this, but I am the only one who can fix it.

I need to go it alone.

The answer to that is no.

I wish I could be more forthcoming with you, but Chief, I need you to trust me.

Please.

You have 24 hours.

If Sam wakes up, I'll only need 12.

I'm going to the hospital.

That's where it would be, planet number nine.

Obviously, if this telescope were powerful enough.

I hate to correct you, but Pluto's way over there.

Why would I be pointing it at Pluto?

'Cause you're showing me the ninth planet.

Yes. I'm showing you Eris.

Eris?

The dwarf planet?

[laughs]

Eris is stupid.

Pluto is, has been, and will always be the ninth planet.

Why would we make Pluto a planet again?

We've already rectified that mistake.

"Mistake"?

Hasn't Pluto been through enough already?

Ohh...

Eris is bigger. By 15 miles.

By your logic, why don't we make everything a planet?

Why don't we make that Nativity Jesus a planet?

Why don't we make your forehead a planet?

What?

* Merry Christmas, merry Christmas *

* But I think I'll miss this one this year *

[gasps]

* But I think I'll miss this one this year *

* Merry Christmas, merry Christmas *

[panting]

Did I read that situation incorrectly?

Come on, son.

We're leaving? Are you crazy?

That's probably your best chance ever at finding a wife!

Wheelchair to Admitting.

We need a wheelchair at Admitting please.

We need to clear this area now, go.

[solemn music]

*

[electronic beeping]

[monitor flat-lining]

I'm so sorry about the delay.

The forensic report was right here, and somehow, my new assistant managed to lose it already.

Found it! Oh, false alarm.

This is actually the new issue of "Men's Health."

Wow, Ryan Reynolds is more jacked than ever.

You know, I used to be a personal trainer.

Oh. Hi, Shawn.

[gasps]

[dramatic musical flourish]

*

Oh, my God.

Yeah. Woody, what are you doing here?

What? Don't look at me.

[stammering] I can explain.

Thank God Karen and Butterfly here have hearts the size of Anchorage.

I voted no.

[snickering]

She's so saucy. I can't take it sometimes.

This is called an NBA hug.

Let's call it one-and-done.

Copy that.

Seriously, man, what the hell happened?

You were--you were in Sacramento.

You had season tickets to the Kings.

Yeah, I got the gig as head medical examiner for the State of California.

Lassiter threw me a party at Buca di Bepo.

I got a condo with a Japanese bidet in both bathrooms and a urinal in the foyer.

Mm. Those were halcyon times.

Then he got fired for closing up a cadaver with a chili dog in the chest cavity.

Not... true.

Butterfly.

I got fired for opening the cadaver back up to retrieve the chili dog because I took a working lunch. Ohh.

Wow. Yup.

But hey, here we all are.

It's like no time has passed at all.

Look at you guys. Look at me.

Editor's note: I have hemorrhoids.

Thrombosis. But they make pillows for that.

Far be it for me to rain on this reunion, but could you please shed some light on the murder of my partner?

Yes.

I can tell you he was asphyxiated.

My guess is with a pillow.

We're combing the body for DNA.

At this point, I can say with 100% certainty--

Burton Guster?

What the--

So anyone can come in to the morgue now.

Cool.

So weird. What are the odds?

How have you been?

Is that a dead body?

Yeah.

Uh, so, I was hoping to explain myself from our date last night.

That wasn't a date. That was an assault.

Do you work here?

Ew, no. This place is gross.

But I did see your cute Instagram post, and I thought I'd pop by.

You Instagrammed the morgue?

I have followers to think about, Shawn.

Excuse me.

Who is this?

That's the girl from the telescope party.

Oh, I'm so glad that she's here with us.

Okay, yeah-- Shh.

Listen. I'ma be honest with you, Burton.

I am an ambitious woman with a lot to do in my life.

I don't have time to mess around.

I took your business card, and I did my due diligence.

I checked you out on LinkedIn, Classmates.com, BlackPlanet--

BlackPlanet? I got a friend.

The point is, you passed.

Passed what? All of it.

All of it.

I choose you. I choose you, Burton Guster.

Is there a world in which I walk you through what I was doing when you guys got here? Please. I'm begging you.

All right, so-- wait, there--there's something lodged in the stomach.

[whispering] She's not great.

You don't even know me.

I know all I need to know.

You like the sky, your mother, safecracking, a bakery called Boom Boom Boom Muffins.

[chuckles] That's all on my business card.

I know when you were eight years old, you won a contest for doing a comic strip about an Egyptian dog that became Pharaoh.

You know about Mesopotamian Pomeranian?

[sighs] I wish I would've known you then.

I bet you were a dead ringer for Bud on "The Cosby Show."

[chuckles]

Look, you can't follow me around, research me, try to kiss me, sniff my head, make me feel uncomfortable--

He's literally done all those things since Thanksgiving.

He's getting Gussed. No wonder he doesn't like it.

And yes, maybe your lips are warm and soft and taste like caramel, but those lips are wrapped in an electric blanket of crazy set to medium-high, and it doesn't give you the right to invade my private cone.

Hm. Completely fair.

Hm. I will leave you my resume.

Your resume?

Yes--my romantic history, a few references.

I think you'll see I check out quite nicely, save possibly for a brief dalliance with Lester Holt and a semi-public rock-out with Wilmer Valderrama, but to be completely fair, it was all under the shirt but over the bra.

Oh, and I also made you this fluffernutter sandwich.

Your mother said it was your favorite.

So, there you have it.

I'm gonna keep this fluffernutter sandwich, because I think it's rude to waste food.

I will circle back with you once you've had a chance to look over my materials.

But in the meantime... get out! What?

You know, like the movie.

Okay, bye.

You know what? I'm gonna go.

Oh, well, this is new.

I know that dongle.

[snickering]

Let's hope it still works.

Mine does not. Not always.

You should at least try that sandwich, yeah?

Get your own stalker, Shawn.

Ugh.

It's completely wiped. Wait.

There's one file added after the wipe.

[dramatic music]

*

I don't know what to tell you, Gus.

She took the file; she won't show me the document.

I'm freaking out. I mean, what if I'm sleeping with Nick Nolte from "Mulholland Falls"?

[scoffs] Well, then you're really getting the short end of the stick, "Mulholland Falls"-wise.

[both yelp]

You know, it's funny.

When people steal from me, they tend to run much farther away.

All right, all right.

Let's all be reasonable here.

He didn't mean to steal from you.

He was just working a case.

A case? Who do you work for?

I can't tell you that.

Oh, boy. Shawn, tell the man with the knife who the client is.

Ohhhh, I'm afraid I'm gonna have to invoke, uh, detective-client privilege.

Who's the damn client, Shawn?

I... it's me.

It's me. I'm the client.

I am looking for an engagement ring.

It's my ring, and it was stolen from me while I was proposing.

Are you kidding me?!

This guy--this guy right here-- he has ruined our business because he keeps searching for this damn ring that he's never gonna find!

Not true, Gus! [whimpers]

May I just...

I'm telling you, Shawn, that ring is cursed!

This ring is the opposite of cursed.

Here it is. And I cannot get married without it, sir.

This ring is worthless. To you.

Sure. But to me, it's everything.

You ever considered that maybe you're just using the ring as an excuse to cover your fear of change?

Thank you. That's exactly what--

[screams]

This isn't about you. Got it.

Please continue.

The ring was my grandmother's.

Right? It was supposed to go to my dad, But they often butted heads.

On the night before his wedding, she pulls the ring back.

So he had to scramble, and he went into debt, made a bunch of very poor financial decisions which ultimately resulted in a divorce, because he didn't have that ring.

It's possible that I'm editorializing, but I'm not gonna make the same mistake.

Thank you for the answer.

Kill them.

No, no! You can't kill us!

You can't kill us! We just bonded!

You and me, like gentlemen. Business is business.

Plus, you now know that my real name is Ted.

[stutters] Only because you just told me.

I'm sorry about this, but no one's going to miss some lowly private detective.

Time out. Lowly? No.

I'll have you know I am the preeminent psychic detective in this whole alley, Jack.

Psychic?

That's right.

Please, take a look.

That's me, with the sweet hair.

This makes no sense. Why does a psychic operate in the shop from "Gremlins"?

To potentially meet Phoebe Cates.

Okay.

Read me.

Read you.

[humming]

Covfefe.

You like knives.

You like kittens.

You like...

Middle-aged...kittens.

Mm-hmm. The past.

Anyone can read the past.

I got the kittens right?

Tell me the future.

Look.

Gus, he has own Ta-rote cards.

Tarot cards.

He just carries them around with him.

That's not scary at all.

Shall we adjourn to the Mahjong Room?

[light suspenseful music]

*


The Merle of Haggard.

Merle of what?

He foretells of a dangerous situation.

It involves both a curb and a bus.

I see a tax issue. I don't pay taxes.

That's the issue.

[gasps]

[gasps loudly]

Sorry.

Forgive me.

You must lay off the salt.

Salt? Salt.

Salt. Salt.

Gus...

Okay. All right.

So you're not gonna cleave us?

We'll see, won't we?

[tires screech]

[somber music]

*

Uh... how we doing, babe?

Shawn, I owe you an apology.

I know I have been acting strange and icing you out, but the truth is, I'm scared, and I need your help.

You had us at Shawn.

I used all of the cases referenced in this manifesto to create this board.

It is every suspect that went away for every crime mentioned.

So these are the victims of your supposed crimes?

Yes. Now, I know, what you're thinking.

And here's the thing.

It's true.

Look, every single one of these dirtbags is guilty as sin.

But I have done some things that I am not necessarily proud of.

I've to pee since 2:00.

Gus, it's 2:05. It doesn't matter, Shawn.

It does matter. We stopped specifically on the way here so that you could go pee.

There was someone in there.

There were 12 stalls. I don't care.

When are you gonna get a handle on this bashful black bladder thing?

You know what? Do you, Shawn.

I...

I fudged the rules.

I skipped some protocols to put these dirtbags away, Shawn.

And now I feel like Sam's blood is on my hands, and I have no one to blame but myself.

Hey, hey, hey.

I love these hands.

Especially the right one, because that's the one I generally hold.

I...

I like to walk on the left.

You do like to walk on the left.

You're a leftie walker.

They call that southfoot.

I'm a southfoot. You're a southfoot.

Look, you have watched me lie and cheat and steal for the better part of what, a decade?

All in the name of catching bad guys.

You didn't do anything illegal, am I right?

Then let's figure out who the hell is doing this to you, and put 'em away.

This is work time.

[exhales] Okay.

All of these criminals had a beef-- a technicality they hoped would get them off.

The problem is that none of them should feel more slighted than the other.

It's impossible to know who is Sam's killer.

[evocative music]

*

'Cause it's none of them.

It's none of the perps.

It's your snitch.

Billy McGoldrick?

He gave information on all of them.

What's his beef?

I still sent him to jail.

Well, obviously he's out.

And he's the one who's been following you.

Surveillance photos? They're spying on her.

Jules... your house keys were in your hand.

That picture was taken from here, Gus.

Wait.

[camera shutter clicks]

Ah, no, actually, the picture was taken from ac--

[dramatic musical flourish]

*

I'll be damned.

That's him!

Freeze!

[suspenseful music]

*

[gunshots]

You betrayed me and ruined my life!

You were a snitch and a criminal!

Of course she sold you out!

Guys-- And you killed Sam, you son of a bitch!

Yeah! Oh--oh, come on.

Sammy's not even d-- oh, bloody hell, he is dead.

Well, look, I wish I'd killed him!

But that honor went to my beautiful new associate--

Heather Rockrear.

Heather Rockrear?

What? That's what we're calling her.

And the brother's the Black Gentleman Dandy.

That's correct, Gus. And you're the Thin White Duke!

You're spot on.

Eh, well...

What?

Look, man, I hate to break it to you.

You don't sound anything like David Bowie.

No. [stammering] Well, hang on.

Nobody sounds like David Bowie but David Bowie, full stop.

Well, I think Jemaine Clement has a pretty good Bowie.

Yup. Look, psychic boy and Magic Head, Juliet, I would love to kill all three of you right now, but unfortunately, I've already promised I won't do that yet.

And unlike you, I keep my promises.

[gunshots]

[screaming]

Promises? What are you talking about?

Oh, come on, Jack. Let's not ruin the ending.

Hey!

I'll be doing all the jack-tagging around here, okay, Jack?

Drop the gun!

Nice, babe. That's nice. That's clean.

I have just one thing to say... always have a plan B.

Ha!

[clicking]

That couldn't have been what you were going for.

You check the batteries in the remote?

Bloody hell. Uh, the plan was, I was gonna do a flippy-do into here, hit the button, massive metal door just like, sha-kunks down.

You know, like in "Empire Strikes Back."

Now it's busted, and I'm really embarrassed.

You have the right to remain silent.

Yahtzee!

Wait!

Damn it, we walked right into that.

It was kinda dope, though.

Let's go. Yeah.

Lord, I'm gonna pay a steep price for what I'm about to do to my body.

Hey, Gus, come check out this douchebag in the hat.

Shawn!

Oh, my God.

My dad's having a full-on seven-eighths life crisis.

Dad, I specifically told you to dress for dinner, not Adam Levine's funeral.

I'm allowed to evolve, Shawn.

Is that scarf tweed?

I'll be honest, Pop.

I have been actively shopping for a walk-in tub and something called a Rascal for you for Christmas.

There is no way that you think this outfit is appropriate.

Shawn, exactly how old do you think I am?

I know it starts with one.

Yep, it's definitely tweed. Why do you own a ukulele?

Would you please stay out of my stuff, and if you must know, I recently learned "The Remedy" from Oliver and Angus.

Oliver and Angus?

Yes, they work at FOMO next to my loft building.

Did you hear that, Gus?

Oliver and Angus work at FOMO.

What--I saw you five months ago.

What happened? I bought my retirement loft with an unobstructed view of my boat.

I did not plan that the area would gentrify as quickly as it did, but rather than getting all Scroogey about it, I stayed fluid.

Show me your belly button and prove you're my father.

Man, some of us are eating.

Hey, Juliet.

Henry.

What a surprise.

Um-- Hey.

If somebody makes my future daughter-in-law a target, you can bet your ass I'm not staying home for Christmas, plus there's a drum circle down at Union Square that I'm already kinda committed to.

Is this a cricket bat?

You should've stayed home.

Whatever this psycho McGoldrick is up to, he wants me, not you-- any of you.

McGoldrick? The ginger who works at the baths down at the Funkzone, he's behind all this?

No, Dad. Not that McGoldrick.

This one's one of Juliet's snitches.

Said he promised someone else he wasn't gonna kill her, so the question's who and why.

Puts us back to square one.

Countless perps with axes to grind.

Yeah, but he knows who we are too.

That rapscallion called me Magic Head.

Well, he picked on the wrong family.

[clears throat]

Shawn, that would be your cue.

Yeah, I know my cue, Pop.

This isn't 2010, okay?

I can read my own girlfriend.

I know when she needs to be comforted, et cetera.

Fiancé. That's what I said.

No. You said girlfriend.

It's semantics. It's not semantics, Shawn.

Y... you ate all the Quatro Quesos Dos Fritos?!

Yes, and now I pray for dawn.

It's my problem, Shawn.

Sweetheart, you keep saying that; it's ridiculous.

Since when is a psychopath trying to kill you just your problem?

It's more complicated than that.

It's not. It's--it's not.

And it's certainly not more complicated than me designing the psychphrancisco office with a "Gremlins" motif.

And you signed off when no one else would.

No one else got it.

Except for you.

You always have my back.

Because that's how we do it.

We take on these-- these crazy obstacles, right?

And--and we come at it together and we work through it, because we are an us.

We are a we.

We are--we are lovers in the nighttime.

Are we? Do we? Should we?

I don't know, you're-- you're Dr. Suessing me now.

I don't even know--what am I supposed to do with that?

Sorry, I'm just really wound up right now.

Maybe...

I should help you unwind.

Huh? Maybe?

Maybe a little bit of bacon?

[laughs] That's very sweet of you.

But I'm gonna go outside and get some air.

Okay.

You should try to get some sleep.

[soft dramatic music]

*

[phone ringing]

Hey there, partner.

Hey, Carlton.

I'm sorry to bother you so late.

I talked to Henry.

I'm so sorry to hear about Sam.

It was my fault, Carlton.

I highly doubt that.

No, it was.

I colored outside the lines.

I see.

But I'm not your priest, O'Hara.

Besides, we're cops, not saints.

But you are a saint.

And you taught me to be one too.

Listen to me, I took an oath to put the lives of strangers before my own.

Meanwhile, I have a daughter who says a little prayer every morning asking Jesus to please let her daddy make it home for dinner.

So, yes, I believe in a code.

But I also believe in doing whatever it takes to make sure bad people don't hurt good people.

Sometimes that means getting creative.

I think I created a monster.

Well, if you created the son of a bitch, then you can take him out. I'll be there by morning.

Absolutely not. I can clean up my own messes.

Man, I know what you can do.

You be careful out there.

And tell Spencer to keep sucking it.

Like, keep at it. Do not stop.

[chuckles] Will do.

Please give my best to your girls.

[whining]

[eerie music]

*

[clattering]

[whispering] Jules?

*

Gus!

Wake up!

Gus, wake up! I think someone's here!

Gus!

Gus, wake up!

Freeze!

Hey, Shawn. Mary?

Wait... Mary?

Just a little amuse-bouche.

I uncorked a Malbec and I crafted a cheese board.

Heavy on the manchego for you, sans anything blue for me.

It crumbles.

I don't care for that.

Have a slab.

I...

[shimmering tone]

Stay gold.

[exhales]

[scoffs] I'm dreaming.

God. [chuckles]

You scared me, man.

You look handsome.

Leathery. Oh, get out of here.

You haven't aged a day.

Come on, live fast, die young, leave a soft-faced corpse.

Shawn. [sighs]

Do I look like Richard Thomas to you?

John-Boy Richard Thomas?

There are those beyond the Pearly Gates that think there's a resemblance, and I don't see it, friend.

How's your girl? She's good.

She's, uh... she's got a lot going on...

Mm. Right now.

It's... Good.

It's complicated. Oh.

Yeah. If I don't find that ring, I am gonna blow it with her all over again, man.

Oh, Shawn.

I know what you need.

Oh, no. Not--I don't--

Mary, easy.

Mary...

* I've lost my mind

* On what I'd find

* All of the pressures that I left behind *

* On Allison Road

Warm drawn butter. I know. both: * Fools in the rain

* If the sun gets through

* Fires in the Heaven of the eyes I knew *

* On Allison Road You were right.

The Gin Blossoms is exactly what I needed.

* Dark clouds file, the moon is near *

[together] * Birds fly by a.m. in her bedroom stare *

* There's no telling what I might find *

* I couldn't see I was lost at the time * both: * Jingle jangle dingle dangle jingle jangle ding *

* Jingle jongle dingle dongle Allison Road *

* Jingle jangle dingle dangle jingle jangle ding *

* Jingle jongle dingle dongle Allison Road *

* I can see I was lost at the time... *

[gasps]

Wait for it...

Could you please keep it down?!

I am trying to meditate.

What is that? Why is he doing that?

Why is he here? Why is-- What is that?

This is my dream!

This isn't for you.

Is nothing sacred anymore?!

Fine. both: * On Allison Road Whoo-hoooo... Shawn.

Shawn!

Shawn! [screams]

Would you stop singing and wake up?

It's morning.

I got to feed the pony.

[phone ringing] Ugh.

Stop calling me, Mischa. I'm out.

Vandalizing cars? Petty theft?

You're rich and bored, and it's gross.

And by the way, everyone knows you stuff your bra.

Well, John Hughes, eat your heart out.

I mean, I wish I had that kind of courage when I was your age.

Bravo.

Thanks, but I'm not really cool with talking to strangers.

Fair enough. I'll do all the talking.

I'm surprised you got here before Juliet, Chief,

considering how much closer she is to your daughter, Don't worry, she'll be here.

And she still has seven minutes.

Do I look worried?

I'm wearing ladies' makeup right now.

Ah, the belle of the ball.

Just in time.

Thank you for coming so quickly.

I wasn't expecting the cavalry.

They didn't give me a choice.

What's this?

Does no one think the rules apply to them anymore?

Now I've got to call this in on this stupid walkie-talkie.

Call it in to who?

Whom. To whom.

Can someone please explain that to him?

Okay. Clearly we are dealing with more than just the Thin White Duke, Heather Rockrear, and the Black Gentleman Dandy.

Which means Gus and I should definitely be packing.

Not a chance. Come on!

That's easy for you to say.

We're gonna be sitting ducks out there.

My perfect head is like catnip to a long-range rifle scope.

[whispering] Hi, Karen.

All right, looks like all of you can come.

Turns out this wasn't altogether unexpected.

But you're all going to die.

And, moreover, nobody's packing anything, all right?

You got a gun, it goes in the bag.

And your butts on the boat.

Come on, move it.

You, too. I know you're not packing anything.

Certainly not in your trousers.

Come on. You, in.

Move it. Let's go. On the boat.

You too, sweetheart. Come on.

Juliet, no need to pat you down, right?

So what's the plan?

Well, I didn't know we were getting into a boat until ten seconds again.

I may make a jump for it.

How many sharks do you think are in the bay?

At least one. Dammit.

[stammering] What are you supposed to be now?

Is this The Riddler?

[chortling] He's funny.

Do you keep him around for the jokes?

Get in the boat, Tobolowsky!

You just called me Tobolowsky.

That is a deep cut, and now I am very rattled.

Shut up. In you go.

Gus, what do you know about Alcatraz?

Not much.

Built in 1934, 336 mainline cells, definitely haunted.

The legendary "Birdman of Alcatraz" did all of his actual breeding in Leavenworth, Kansas.

Didn't you just say "not much"?

I haven't been since they closed for restoration last year, Shawn.

No. Shawn, there's no way he's taking us to Alcatraz.

Well, I'm absolutely mortified that no one's here to greet us, but you just can't find good help these days, can you?

Please, please, make your way all the way to the front.

I'll be with you shortly.

Don't dawdle.

Dude, I got to say, this restoration is coming along great.

If I'm looking on the bright side-- it's nice to get a sneak preview.

You're talking about the bright side of dying in Alcatraz.

Lights!

Is everyone comfortable?

Enough. What have you done with Iris, you son of a bitch?!

Oy, Chatty Cathy, shut it.

I've got a slew of events planned for tonight, and I don't want to be rushed.

So! Now that I have delivered tonight's guest of honor and, as luck would have it, all of her stupid-faced friends, my job here is done.

Thank God.

I literally heard that.

You said it just loud enough that I could hear what you said.

[sighs] Where was I?

Oh, yeah, would you like to all meet tonight's actual headliner?

Headliner? Oh yeah, man.

She's been paying for all of it.

[gunshot]

Oh, my G--

[thump]

Ugh.

So what's the consensus on the accent?

Because it's definitely not Bowie.

[gunshots]

[dramatic musical flourish]

*

Allison Cowley!

My dream. Allison Road.

Gin Blossoms. I had a--I had a dream!

Mary was there. We sang "Allison Road."

You were Prince, and Jules was Princess Leia, there was a pony, the pony said st--

[gunshots]

Thank you, guys, for putting up with him.

Really. It was hard on us all.

But his petty revenge scheme was just too fortuitous to pass up!

And I must admit, I was secretly hoping you'd all show up, family-style.

It's like four free bowls of soup.

Questions, really? Oh, okay.

I'm sorry, you just shot your partner.

Uh, not a question, Shawn, but why split hairs?

He was only useful until now.

He wanted revenge, but he didn't have the tool set that I do.

We struck a deal.

He ruins Juliet's legacy, and then I get to beat her to death.

It's a classic win-win; happens all the time in the Batman movies.

Dude. Cheese cloth.

You're hungry now?

I would never eat cheese in cloth form.

Painter's cheese cloth, Shawn.

It's used in construction. For the refurbishment.

It's usually hanging straight down, but it's pushed to the side over there.

Zero attention span, am I right?

What the hell do you want, Cowley?

[gunshot]

[hammer clicking] [groans]

Isn't it obvious?

I want a do-over.

You ruined me.

The night you arrested me was supposed to be my coming-out party.

Yin to me. A passing of the torch.

A changing of-- am I doing too many similes?

I feel like I went one too far.

Comedy often plays in threes.

I'm not doing a bit.

[whispering] I think Iris is somewhere through that doorway on the left.

Also, cheese cloth and the word "refurbishment" are actual things.

Chief.

Your kid's somewhere in the building.

There are explosives involved, so you're facing an uphill battle even if you do manage to find her.

But, as a woman, I refuse to believe that you're not capable of overcoming the odds.

It's just that you're not.

[giggles]

But look at the bright side.

The two of you get to blow up together.

What'd she say? I can't hear a word.

Gentlemen, now that the four of you have crashed my party, you have the very unenviable task of getting past my colleagues.

They've been instructed to toy with you and give you a false sense of confidence and then kill you in whichever order or way feels most fun.

Uh... put me down for auto-erotic asphyxiation.

Who is this guy?

I'm the assistant coroner, bitch.

Aw, come on. Okay, [stutters] all right.

I have to apologize to everybody for that whole, uh, "bitch" thing.

That was uncalled for. Strode, Strode, shut up.

She's about to kill us. That's no excuse, Henry.

It's a new world. I know it. We all know it.

And--and there is no reason that your gender should have any bearing on my choice of insults.

Are you serious?

Duly noted.

Can you shut up forever?

Oh. Yes.

Which brings me to Little Miss Little-Miss-Can't-Be-Wrong.

We have unfinished business.

I didn't say go. Did anyone hear "go"?

All right, what the hell.

Timer's set to 20. Let's do it right this time.

Kill the lights.

[sighs] Wh-who's Iris?

Jules! Iris! Iris?

Jules, wait! Maybe we should stick together.

Iris!

Gus, what are you doing?

What, are you leaving?

I'm getting us to the lighthouse to signal for help, Shawn.

Technically that's leaving.

I'm not commenting on plans once I get to the lighthouse, Shawn.

But someone's gotta wait outside.

[rumbling]

Good evening, gentlemen.

I will be dismantling the both of you in a matter of moments.

Shawn Spencer. Verb.

Pleasure. Everything good?

Gus... he's no dandy.

He's a black gentleman ninja.

Still no ring on the finger, I see.

Why does everyone keep saying that?

[shrieks]

[both grunting]

[screams]

I'm not crazy about overpowering a woman in a singlet.

She's not wearing a singlet. No, I am.

Under my clothes.

Oh! [whimpering]

You know, I've been dealing with broads like you my entire l--aaagh!

[grunts]

[groaning]

Apparently my milkshake brings old bald guys to the yard.

I have a ribbon.

No, no. No, no. No!

No! No! No, no, no!

[screams]

* Deck the halls with boughs of holly *

No! [gasping] Not the arm! Not the arm!

* Fa la la la la, la la la la *

* 'Tis the season to be jolly *

No, no, no, no, no, no! [screams]

* Fa la la la la, la la la la *

Please! [groaning]

* Don we now our gay apparel *

Time out, time out, time out, time out!

* Fa la la, la la la...

Iris!

[moaning] Iris?

Gus, I'm not even scared anymore.

This is simply bedazzling.

I'm transfixed.

How long is this display going on for?

Hopefully long enough for him to wear himself out.

Okay, that's next level. The man gravity forgot.

Oooh!

Iris! [moaning]

Hi.

[crying]

It's okay. It's okay.

Just sit tight, okay?

Sit tight, baby.

Okay, I'm gonna get you out of here.

[moaning]

[crying]

I shouldn't have rejected Selene, Shawn.

She's almost everything I ever wanted in a woman, short of being Gugu Mbatha-Raw.

I'm so stubborn about the Pluto thing.

And you know I've got to be the cheetah, Shawn.

The cheetah! Gus, you are a cheetah.

And she's basically the female version of you.

You know that. I know.

I should've married Jules three years ago.

This ring is just another excuse for me to avoid responsibility.

Mm-hmm.

She deserves better than me, Gus.

No. No, Shawn.

She deserves the best version of you. Hey.

[together] I'm proud of you.

Let's do the thing that we're best at.

You know that's right.

[both inhale deeply]

[screaming]

* I've lost my mind

* On what I'd find

*

* All of the pressure that I left behind *

* On Allison Road

*

* Fools in the rain

*

* If the sun gets through

*

* Fire's in the heaven of the eyes I knew *

* On Allison Road

[groans]

We can't go out like this, Ryan.

My name is Henry.

You've known me for nine years, Strode.

Sorry. I can't stop thinking about Ryan Reynolds.

What can we do? I don't know.

She's so much fitter than us.

Look at my thighs.

*

It's the last thing I want you to see.

* On Allison Road, yeah

* I didn't know I was lost at the time *

* On Allison Road Yeah!

That's it! Go, go!

* So she fills up her sails *

*

* With my wasted breath Whoo!

*

* And each one's more wasted than the others *

* You can bet, on Allison Road *

We need a key to the cell! Let's go!

Oh, my God, I never-- I can't feel my arm.

I can't feel my leg. How am I walking?

I can't feel my limbs! How am I walking?

I'll get another one. I killed her!

*

Isn't it funny, Juliet?

I mean, we're both blondes.

We're both smart.

Business up front, party in the back.

I could've been you, and you could've been me.

There's really only one thing that separates us...

You mean besides the capacity to feel empathy?

No. Just that.

Why, can you think of something else?

I can.

So, Shawn's office... is at the end of an alley in Chinatown.

It's called psychphrancisco, all one word, all lowercase.

"ph" for the f. Not the wisest marketing move.

But we are a we.

We are an us. We are lovers in the night.

So we support each other even when we make questionable decisions.

This is the weirdest stalling for time speech I've ever heard.

It basically means I spend my weekends in Chinatown waiting on rickshaws and jade birdcages to be delivered.

Shawn loves "Gremlins." I mean, who doesn't?

It's my favorite Christmas movie.

Technically, it's not a Christmas movie, and I feel like you're just getting further off-topic.

Point is, there's this incredible martial arts gym next door.

And I never knew what a "kip up" was until I took the class.

Ugh!

[orchestral music]

*

[grunts]

We need a key.

[panting]

Dad?

Hello, gentlemen.

How fortuitous.

Three birds, one wire. [gasps]

[whispering] Gus, there's a table.

What? Gus, there's a table.

That has never worked, Shawn. It did work once.

Hi, baby, hi.

[muffled shouting]

Chief, stop! She said there'd be explosives.

[crying]

Okay, okay.

Okay, I need you to go back as far as you can, 'cause we are gonna get this.

Okay?

Let him go, Gentleman Ninja.

I'm afraid this is the end.

Well, I'm afraid my dad's not gonna die tonight.

At least not by your deftly manicured hands.

I suppose natural causes is still on the table.

What? The table.

No. Yes.

When? Now!

[grunts] Ha, damn it!

[shouts] He's so nimble!

*

Uhhh!

Freeze!

You arrogant bastard.

Woody, Woody. Oh, thank God.

Cheers. Cheers.

Okay, just--just get out of here, Juliet, okay?

Just--please, just go.

Okay, baby, I need you to go back as far as you can because Mommy's not going anywhere.

[muffled shouting]

Don't pull the wire!

It's a code, it's a date! I heard them.

It's the day Mr. Yin died and she got arrested!

[gasps]

[exhales] Why do you know that?

It was kind of a big night for me.

Mom? Hey.

Hi, baby.

There you are.

Let's get this off, huh?

Ah.

[warm music]

[upbeat holiday music]

Shawn, I think I'm gonna bounce.

I got a unicycling class that starts... eh, screw it.

Nah, I'm going fishing.

Am I the only one who's hungry?

I could eat. Gus?

Dude, you have to block this girl from your Instagram.

What... are you doing here?

Wow, thank you.

Uh, Selene, before we go any further, let me just say this.

That was the best fluffernutter sandwich I've ever eaten in my entire life.

And I'm completely willing to make a go at this.

But you must let me be the cheetah in this relationship.

Done. Cool.

That is not letting me be the cheetah.

[squeals]

Mmm.

Shawn Spencer. Psychic.

Wow. Word's really, uh, gotten out on this thing.

You promised me that you had these skills.

I'm here to tell you, all those things you claimed, those premonitions you told me...

They came true!

[scoffs]

How do you do it? No, really?

Well-- It's unbelievable, man.

What? You're serious?

Those things actually happened?

Every one.

How? Gus--

How?! Gus.

What? You know how.

It's just a new program we have down at the Bureau.

That's the Internal Revenue Service.

It's called "Clean Start."

You're all clear on your taxes.

Happy holidays.

[truck horn blasting]

Whoa! That was close, sir.

You must have a guardian angel.

Can I borrow your salt? Ugh!

Sharp pains!

Let this be a cautionary tale to all.

[coughing]

You have a gift, my friend.

That's a sweet thing to say from you, yeah.

In return, I have a gift for you.

Oh, that's t--it's too much. He's gonna shoot us.

We should've never the bait, dammit!

It's o...

[dramatic music]

You were right.

Very difficult to find.

But your three years were not wasted looking.

You just weren't willing to break any limbs to get your information.

You are so lucky.

No way.

[gasps]

Is that...

Yeah.

Oh, my God.

That's totally it.

Thank you.

I'm ready.

You are? Oh, hell yes.

You have been so patient.

And I love you so much.

And I'm so grateful for you.

So let's go to the airport and fly to Iceland and rent a volcano.

Or--or we can venture to your family's homeland in Inverness and-- and vow it up surrounded by Highland cows.

Curious beasts. Or!

Or we can married on Mr. Toad's Wild Ride.

We'd have to talk fast, 'cause I think the ride's only a minute and a half long, and the car only seats four and we'll need room for Gus and--

Shawn.

I don't need any of that.

I never have.

You're gonna want one of those cows.

Don't make the same mistake I did.

Let's just call a Lyft and go to Vegas right now.

Really? Yeah.

Okay.

Yes, Mr. Provedor?

I'm ordained.

What? I'll be your maid of honor.

Ooh! No, no, no, no, no.

I don't think so. Please.

Mom-- Overreaching.

You know what? Completely my fault.

Move it, Vick. We're ready to begin.

Woody!

Gus...

I knew this was gonna happen, Shawn.

I know, I know, I know.

But you gotta pull it together, 'cause I need your best man speech to kill. It will.

Hey.

My sincerest congratulations to the both of you.

Oh, thanks, man.

You're welcome.

Very kind.

That's just a good dude.

Brother's gotta make a living.

This economy? Absolutely. Yeah.

Shall we begin? Oh! I do.

Me too.

[laughter]

[cheering]

[warm music]

*

[clears throat]

You skipped a few things.

It's okay. Right, sure.

Let's start from the beginning.

[clears throat]

Dearly beloved, we are gathered here to celebrate the union of two lovely people and, uh, bear witness to their union and holy matrimony.

Should anyone here know of any reason this couple should not be wed, please speak now or forever hold your peace.

Yeah, I have a few things I'd like to get off my chest.

Woody, really? Oh, not about this.

Can I wait until later? Yeah, I think so.

You know what? I'm gonna wait.

[upbeat Christmas music]

*

Gus! We're gonna need a bigger boat!

[whimpering]

Stop playing around, Shawn.

The girl's already at the airport checked in.

Find your damn passport.

Boom! Found it.

Oh, hey, should I slice this up for the road?

Let's go, Shawn.

Look, I'ma ask you this one more time.

Are you absolutely sure Juliet is okay with Selene and I tagging along on your honeymoon?

She's come to expect nothing less.

All right. [crashing]

Should we be worried?

Nah, it's Chinatown.

It's probably firecrackers or jiffy pop.

Bubble wrap, bubble tea.

Could be any one of those things, Gus.

Congratulations, bro!

Finally made an honest woman out of my sis.

Ewan? What the hell are you doing here?

Oh, man.

I'm chillin'.

[dramatic musical flourish]

*

Hey, you guys got a back door in here?

Gus! [grunts]

So I was just gonna mail you a wedding present, but that's, like, a dick move, so here you go.

And tied a little business in at the same time.

Quick ask: do you guys have a Kevlar vest or possibly a lead shield I could borrow?

Actually, we're on our way to the airport for my honeymoon.

Jamaica. Jamaica! both: Jamaica!

That's, like, so played out, right?

They got johnnycakes at the Giants game now.

That's not funny, Ewan.

Sweet pad. "Gremlins," right? Yes.

Ah. [chuckles] What happened to the Mogwai?

We--we ran into some licensing issues.

[helicopter whirring]

Ewan O'Hara. Come out with your hands up.

[exhales] Guys, this is all about me.

You have nothing to worry about.

Shawn Spencer and associate, come out as well.

Okay, now it's about you guys too.

Could be a problem. Associate?

I pay the damn rent in this place!

Maybe if you were around more often, they'd know who you were.

We're giving you ten seconds.

Okay, uh, quick change of plans.

We gotta call an audible. Jamaica's out.

Uh, we'll split the heat with my sister.

How do you guys feel about Oslo?

He definitely shot Kennedy. The city.

They named a city after that son of a bitch?

Shawn-- Gents.

Good time to chat, but the back door, the back door!

Uh, it's really more of a staircase that leads to a tunnel that lets out in Nob Hill.

Dude, Nob Hill? [laughs]

Three... Where's the present?

I left it over there.

You're gonna need the present.

Bogies! 12:00. One.

Whoa! We have contact!

Through the window!

[screaming]

[gunfire]

Better be an awesome gift!

Don't ever break the casing or drop it!

That's not really a wedding gift, is it?

It's the thought that counts, Gus!

[screaming]

[upbeat rock music]

*

* I know, you know

* That I'm not telling the truth *

* I know, you know

* They just don't have any proof *

* Embrace the deception

* Learn how to bend

* Your worst inhibitions

* Tend to psych you out in the end *

* I know, you know

*