Puerto Ricans in Paris (2015) Script

Oh, honey, I'm so excited for this. I've been waiting all day.

Thank you for getting us here safely.

God bless.

Honey, stay close.

No more street meat. We have dinner in two hours at Benihana.

I do not want you spoiling your appetite.

You want to shop? I want a hot dog. Gucci. Rolex.

Oh, excellent.

Sir, you wouldn't happen to have any Louis Vuitton, would you?

Where are you guys from?

Waco, Texas.

Oh, I love Texas. Dallas Cowboys, right?

America's favorite team.

Yeah.

The cowboys are at the ranch, looking for Louis.

All right. I'll see you in a minute. Bye.

Right this way. Come on.

Hey.

Hey, hey.

And for you, special VIP entrance, yeah?

Come on.

Yeah. There.

Ronda. Ronnie.

Hello.

Looking for the Louis Vuitton handbag, right?

Like this?

Go.

Yes. We would love to buy a bunch of these as giveaways for our various church fundraisers.

Okay. How much is bunch?

Oh. Well, let's see.

There's the bingo tournament and then the bowling league.

Talent show. Talent show.

Then there's the father/daughter picnic.

Mother/daughter brunch.

Then there's the Veteran Day's committee. Very important.

And then the Animal Right Group fundraiser.

So, anyway, about 20 bags?

Twenty bags? Very expensive.

But you know what, for you, I do a good deal.

$200 per bag. Done. Go.

Mmm.

So how late are y'all open?

Because my friend Marlene says you really got to take a look around to get the best deal.

Oh, lady, lady, best deal. First-class bag. Original.

But you go to church. I love Jesus.

$175 per bag.

Praise Lord Jesus, it is a deal!

Sold!

Can we see the bags?

The bags, yeah. Go.

You see, computers, you know, they can get hacked.

Locks. They get picked.

But nothing gets past Black Mamba.

He is a nasty bitch. Like Kobe Bryant.

Oh, I don't really follow politics.

Okay. Let's go to the warehouse.

What about rims? You guys need rims? How many cars do you have?

Okay. Can I ask you a question?

Really, I don't mean to offend you by this, but listen to me.

This bag, it's real, right?

Does it look real to you?

Yeah.

Then there's your answer.

Okay, but, can, can... Excuse me? Can you hold this a second?

See, I gotta ask you this, though.

Why is it that the cross-stitching on here is not consistent with the LVMH designer code?

No, no, no. You're not trying to sell us a fake, right?

Because you know that's a felony, Hassan.

Right. And you know what that means?

Police.

Shit.

Bag man is on the move. Repeat, bag man is on the move!

All units, suspect heading north on Cross Street, and he's going fast.

Annoyingly fast.


Oh, God!

I'm gonna sue you! I need a lawyer!

The proceeds go to funding the illegal manufacturing of drugs, human trafficking and terrorism.

It's no exaggeration when I say that our work here today is gonna make our country safer tomorrow.

So you're saying you're a hero.

You said that, not me.

So, Detective, you've gotta watch those tackles.

Your ass is too old to be "Superfly" Snuka.

You spent less time blabbing to the cameras, little more time on the treadmill, I wouldn't have to tackle anyone.

Then you'd literally be good for nothing.

Besides, I would've caught the guy eventually.

When, next week?

Bro, I'm the brains of the operation. I don't run.

You're the muscle, you run.

Yeah. When do I get to be the brains?

I'll text you when there's an opening.

Great work, boys. Huh? What do you say we go to Finnerty's?

Do a couple shots of Ciroc.

Maybe I'll let you both reggae grind me.

What? What?

Mmm-hmm. Yeah?

See, I got some plans tonight. Oh, okay.

I'm taking the dental hygienist to the Bruno Mars concert, MSG.

Yeah, I got front row.

Actually, I got front row of the upper deck. But I got good binoculars.

We ever gonna meet this one?

No! Because then it becomes a relationship.

Here we go again.

I ain't gonna be like those people watching X Factor in bed with sweatpants like you.

Instead... Ooh!

I do this.

Nobody wants to see that, man.

No, I did not put cheese on the broccoli. Sorry, guys.

You shouldn't be doing dairy anyway.

Hi, everybody.

Hi, papi.

Hi, babe. How ya doin'?

Have you seen my Gucci backpack?

Your shorts are too short.

Why do you always gotta make an issue of my outfits?

It makes me uncomfortable.

Your shorts make me uncomfortable.

They're called shorts, not longs.

Where you goin'?

Mami said if you said it was okay I could go to Wandi's house to study for our chemistry Regents and watch a movie. Is it okay?

No.

Not unless I get a kiss first.

Study.

You're the best, Papi. Happy anniversary.

Happy anniversary, Mami and Papi!

Happy anniversary, Mami... Shh.

I'm sure your father doesn't need a reminder, Anthony.

I only mentioned it, like, five times last week.

Of course not.

Because we're going to MSG tonight to see Bruno Mars.

What?

Surprise?

You seriously got tickets?

Front row-ish.

Oh, my God!

Happy?

Yes! Oh, my goodness. I can't believe this.

See, Mami? Papi isn't a lazy, worthless piece of garbage.

Anthony, my God!

He's so silly.

You are so gonna get it tonight.

Can't wait.

Wait, you just let Lexi go. What about the boys?

Who's gonna watch them?

Your brother.

Perfect.

Oh, hell no!

Come on, man!

I would if I could, but, you know, Vanessa, she'd be crushed.

She's got a name now?

It's our anniversary! Your sister's gonna be crushed!

Well, that's not my fault.

You gotta start treating her better.

Otherwise she's gonna leave your ass.

I'll do your reports for a week!

Listen, Vanessa, she is obsessed with Bruno Mars.

You and Gloria don't even know his music.

I am begging you!

Okay, I'll tell you what.

Name two Bruno Mars's songs and you get the tickets. Go ahead.

Don't do this to me right now.

Okay, okay.

I'll give you a clue. Ready?

I knew it.

You forgot.

Just like my birthday.

Just like last year! And everything!

I swear to God, Eddie, I can't take this anymore!

You know what? You think I couldn't hear you?

I hear when you piss. I hear when you shit.

I can hear everything in this goddamn house!

I swear to God, Eddie!

Who was that?

That was my brother-in-law. He wanted us to watch the kids tonight.

Told him he's out of his mind. Yeah.

Yeah, he wonder why I never want to get married, you know?

Mmm.

What do you mean, you never wanna get married?

Maybe "never" is a stretch, but anything can happen between now and never, babe.

Knock it off, Luis. I'm 33 and a half.

My biological clock won't deal with your bullshit.

You said you were 29. I lied!

So, what, I'm too old for you now?

No, no, no. Like my boy Bruno says, "I like you just the way you are."

Oh, my pretty little sweet talker.

You really don't ever wanna get married?

Can we talk about this after the show?

No, we can't, 'cause I'm not going.

Whoa, come on, Vanessa, wait.

What are you talking about, "you're not going"?

Look, you said from the jump this was gonna be casual, right?

That's was eight months ago. Things change, Luis.

And I'm not gonna sit around here waiting for some old-ass grandpa with commitment issues.

Wait. I don't have issues, okay? I have an issue.

And you've really gotta start buttoning your shirt all the way up.

You ain't Tom Ford.

I didn't actually forget what day it was.

It's just between the kids and the bills there's not much left ever.

So when I realized it was our anniversary today, I was just hoping it would sort of go away. I'm sorry.

It's okay.

Maybe next year we'll do something.

Stay tuned, because X Factor will be right back.

So you just went by yourself, huh?

I wasn't gonna waste those tickets.

Gloria still hasn't responded to any of my texts, man.

You know, my sister, she can hold a grudge.

She's still mad at me for wearing sneakers to her quinceañera.

Yo. Sarge wants to see you two in her office, ASAP.

She probably wants to fire you for wearing that dumbass T-shirt to work.

So, you guys are French.

You know, technically, I did meet my first husband at the Paris Hotel in Las Vegas.

Also where I met my second husband. Yeah.

Ah, gentlemen.

Meet Colette and Vincent.

They have come all the way from Paris just to talk to you two boricuas.

So, I won't take up anymore of their time.

Sure I can't get you anything?

Coffee, tea, hot croissant from Au Bon Pain?

No, we're fine. Thank you. Suit yourself.

Au revoir. Au revoir.

Mr. Garcia, Mr. Lopez, my name is Vincent Gravois and this is my associate, Colette Desrosiers.

I'm the CEO of LuxeLife Holding. You may be familiar with us?

Oh, of course.

You own all those bag companies they bootleg on Canal Street.

You know, we have saved you so much money over the years.

And we are very grateful. That's why we are here.

Well, I'm a 48/36 if you want to hook me up with a suit as a thank you.

36? When, 10 years ago?

Bro, I'm off the gluten, okay? I'm spinning three times a week.

Have you even seen me with my shirt off lately? Have you?

You ate pancakes this morning.

Bro, gluten-free pancakes.

Colette here happens to make the most beautiful handbags in the world.

For years, girls have lined up outside her atelier to buy them.

I could never find a bag I liked, so I decided to make them myself.

And then my friends started asking for them, and friends of my friends, and the next thing you know...

That is so sweet.

LuxeLife came aboard to help people outside Paris get Colette.

For her next bag, we've coordinated a global roll-out around the most exclusive retail outlets.

Barneys. Saks.

No pressure or anything.

But last week, we received this.

Okay. That's a picture of a bag and, uh...

Ooh!

Oh, uh, that's a lot of words in French I do not know.

Not just a bag. That's "the" bag.

The center of our campaign.

At this time, there are only two in the world. And one has been stolen.

This is a ransom note.

It says unless LuxeLife Holdings pays €1 million by Friday, they are going to flood the market with bootlegs before the real one hit retail.

And we'd lose millions.

So what do you want with us?

We want you to go to Paris to consult on our investigation.

French cops are too slow. I lived in New York for 10 years.

We need the best.

We've already checked with your sergeant, and you have the vacation days.

As great as that sounds, I don't think my wife will be into me spending my vacation days in Paris without her.

Yeah, plus the French are kinda pricks, you know.

But y'all seem really cool.

We are prepared to reward you each with $150,000 if you recover the stolen bag.


Oh. Hey.

Thank you.

Wow.

Can you believe this place?

Yo, yo. How are you?

Hey, mama, can I get a...

Yeah, there we go.

Got a light? Oh, yeah.

You girls go to a club, a little spot around here?

No? Non, non.

Mmm.

Since when do you smoke?

It's Paris, baby.

The cigarettes are healthier.

Google that shit.

Oh, yo, bro, they took our luggage. Let's go.

Oh, man, look at this place.

I feel like I hit lotto with this.

Oh, shit. I'm up a horse!

Yo, my man, can you hook me up with some conditioner, coconut version?

Some body wash with aloe and toothpaste for whitening?

And, bro, I love those slippers.

So, can you get me one for every day of the week?

I got bad feet, all right?

And...

Oh, listen, I'm sorry.

I gotta change my money into euros.

So I'll hook you up later. Cool?

My man!

Love that attitude! What a great guy, man.

Oh, wow, check this out.

Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah.

Oh! Oh!

Is that gonna keep you up, Eddie?

You know, Gloria's wanted to come to Paris ever since we saw Ratatouille, man.

She barely even said a word to me before I left, bro.

We find that bag, that's 150 G's.

For that kind of money, she'll forgive even you, right?

Yeah, you right.

Come on, man. Get your head into the game. Let's find the bag.

Otherwise, Gloria's gonna leave you for Anthony's orthodontist.

You don't want that. No. Hell, no.

All right.

I'm gonna go freshen up before our meeting.

Why, bro? It's just Colette.

Damn. Homegirl cleaned up nice.

Hey, guys.

How was your flight? You guys get in okay?

Oh, it was great. Hotel's great. Everything's great.

Yeah, you look great, too.

Thank you.

Did you do something with your hair? You look very chic.

Actually, I haven't washed it since I saw you in New York, but I'll take it.

God, I love this hotel. You guys are lucky my bosses are rich.

I know.

My wife couldn't believe it when I told her where we were staying.

Oh, you should have brought her.

It's a bit of a sore subject.

What about you, Colette?

You married? You got a boyfriend?

You looking for something casual maybe?

Mmm, a bit of a sore subject, too.

Yeah, I hear you. I just broke up with a girl last week.

I'm sorry, but you look so familiar to me.

Do I know you from somewhere else?

I don't think so.

Yeah, he looks like the guy from the Quiznos commercials.

He gets that a lot.

No, it's not that.

Where do you spend your holidays in the summer?

Sometimes go swimming at Brighton Beach, but I doubt you saw me there.

Is that in the Hamptons? Nah.

No?

Okay, can we talk about the missing bag?

Oh, yes. The bag. Yeah.

It went missing last week.

Four people have access to my studio.

Since there's no break-in, Vincent thinks it's one of them.

So there's Ludivine, my senior designer.

I gave her her first job right out of design school.

She's very talented.

But sometimes I get the feeling she resents my success.

Then there's Francesca, my publicist.

She's the best in the business.

Which means, I trust her about as far as I can throw her.

Garçon?

Then there's my dear friend, Kate.

We met modeling as teenagers.

She was very successful until she had a little meltdown last summer.

She hasn't landed a major campaign since.

Yet, somehow, she purchased a vineyard in the south of France that she can't possibly afford.

And finally, there's my ex-husband, Jerome.

He used to be our in-house photographer.

Since he stopped shooting for us, he's been a little hard-up for money.

When I sold my business to Vincent, he started getting a little insecure.

And then I found out his 19-year-old assistant was giving him more than a hand in the darkroom.

So, that's everyone.

And I can't believe any of them would do this to me.

Well, don't you worry, Colette.

We'll find the bag. It's what we do.

I'm counting on it.

Sorry, guys, I have to get to a meeting. Fifth of the day.

I used to make bags.

Now I sit in conference rooms and talk about brand synergies.

Well, look, here's my card.

Anything happens, you see something, you call me immediately.

Even if you just wanna talk about things, have dinner.

Dinner. Great idea.

How's tomorrow night?

I'd love to, Colette.

Great. I'm having some people over. You both come.

God, I know I sound crazy, but I swear we've met.

Bye.

Shit, man, you stink.

You really should have showered upstairs, bro.

Yo, yo, yo, yo! What's going on, baby?

Why're you texting me? I'm right here!

We in Paris, Eddie. We in Paris! I'll tell you what!

Yes, we are. But we have a big day tomorrow. Can we go home now?

Bro, I gotta get one French chick's number at least.

Come on, man.

Well, I'm out, man.

Try not to wake me when you get home, all right?

Yeah, that's if I get home. Later, man.

Hello. Would you like a drink? Ooh.

Got a better idea. Why don't we go back to my hotel?

I'm staying at the Palais Royal.

You know, really expensive there.

You down?

You... You don't speak English?

Wow, that's really too bad.

'Cause I would have ate that little croissant of yours for hours, mama.

Oh... Pig!

I thought you said you didn't speak English?

What you doin' later?

I think we should get croissants from this pâtisserie in the Sixth.

Frommer's calls them "little knots of buttery heaven."

What do you think?

Lou!

Lou, you sure you don't wanna come? Frommer's says they're...

I don't give a fuck what Frommer's says! I'm sleeping!

I'm sleeping!


Eddie! Hey!

Oh, my God, Colette.

What are you doing here? How are you doin'?

I'm great.

My son, Charlie. What's up, Charlie?

I was about to go get some croissants over here on the corner.

Here? Oh, no. Tourist trap. Yeah.

You have to go there. Rue Bonaparte.

Get a box of pistachio macaroons from the shop on the corner and thank me later.

All right, sounds good.

But don't tell anybody else. It's for locals only.

All right, I promise.

He wants to ride your bike.

You wanna ride my bike? Come on.

Thank you. Okay.

Be careful. I thought New York drivers were bad.

This over here is wild.

I have a son his age back home. He'd love it here.

He your only one?

Three boys under 10 and a 16-year-old girl who thinks she's 21.

Oh, my God. You poor thing.

Yeah, never a dull moment around my apartment.

Mmm.

I worry about Charlie, you know.

Divorce is hard on kids.

My parents split when I was 16, and I ended up sleeping with half my school.

That's why I keep telling Gloria we need to start homeschooling.

He wants you to walk us to school.

I got a few minutes.

Really? Okay. Yeah.

Let's do that. Come on.

I'll race you on three. You ready? Yeah.

One, two...

Let's go! Let's go!

And actually, the school is this way!

Where the hell you been, Eddie? You're late.

Sorry. I got a little caught up at the market.

Wanna try the most amazing macaroon ever?

No, man, just hurry up and get ready.

What the fuck is a macaroon?

Ludivine.

It's a pleasure to meet you, Prince Nazir al-Faisel.

Oh, please, call me Naz. Like the rapper.

This is Muktar, my bodyguard.

You don't have to concern yourself with him. He's just muscle.

Not so bright.

Well, I have to say I was intrigued by your e-mail.

It's not every day a Saudi prince writes me about a pressing fashion matter.

Well, it's not every day I have a pressing fashion matter.

Not much variety here.

Sometimes the robe is black. Sometimes it's white.

Boring.

So, what can I do for you?

Well, Ludivine, it's not so much what you can do for me.

It's more my wife, Fatima.

It's her birthday next week.

That's nice.

You see, Ludivine, out of all the designers out there, Colette is her favorite.

That's why I come speak to you.

Wait. You came to me to get a Colette bag?

Not just any Colette bag.

Next season's Colette bag.

The one not in stores yet that all the women are talking about.

You can't be serious.

Do you know what Fatima's best friend Marni got for her birthday?

An island. An island.

And Mustafa, he had palm trees shipped in from Borneo.

I mean, these women, they are so competitive.

I need that bag. And you can get it for me.

I'm sorry. I don't feel comfortable continuing this conversation.

Would €2 million change your mind?

You'd pay me €2 million to get you Colette's new bag?

Is he a friend of yours?

I made a joke about him one time, wearing socks with sandals, so he, like, really took that really personal.

I'm sorry. What part of Saudi are you from?

The Lower East part?

Rivington and Delancey?

Look, our plane takes off tomorrow at noon.

You have until then to decide.

I don't need to make up my mind.

I would be happy to design your wife a one-of-a-kind bag, but I wouldn't betray Colette for any price.

Au revoir.

What happened?

We almost got shish kebabed, thanks to somebody who was supposed to check out the lobby!

I did check out the lobby, but people come and go.

That's how lobbies work. Excuses, excuses.

Guys, what did she say?

Man, the air conditioning. If you see somebody in the lobby, can you tell them turn it up a little?

Thank you.

Guys, what did she say?

Oh, she checked out. She didn't do it.

Well, that's a relief.

We'll get the thief.

I'll meet you at my apartment tonight, right?

We'll be there.

Great. To celebrate my friend's new collection.

I'll have my assistant, Daniel, bring over some pieces for you to wear.

See you.

Ooh, Eddie.

Danielle is finally gonna get you out of Old Navy.

Ohh. Mmm.

Okay, I think this is gonna work right here.

You do know how ridiculous that is, right?

Danielle Estabara from Colombia Street.

Chicky's sister Danielle with the big booty.

Danielle from the Vladeck's Housing with the club foot?

It's a fact.

I'm irresistible to Danielles.

Bonjour. I'm Colette's assistant, Daniel.

Colette picked them out for you herself.

"Daniel."

Come on in, boys! It's just fashion. It's not gonna kill you.

You got something else maybe?

Yeah, good call, bro.

I mean it's not terrible.

Actually...

Hmm.

Guys!

Hey. I'm so glad you came.

How are you doing? Hey.

Wow, Eddie, you look fantastic.

I'm not gonna lie, this is a little outside my comfort zone, but I figure, when in Rome...

We're in Paris, dummy.

Eddie, you're a rock star. Come on in.

Can I get you some champagne?

That would be great. Okay.

I am on that tonight right there.

Or that. Hey.

Excuse me, you look familiar.

Did I see you last week, MSG, Bruno Mars concert, VIP section. That was you, right?

No. No. No.

Look, I'm Luis. This is my fresh-air fun buddy, Eddie.

We're from New York. Brigitte.

Not a lot of guys can pull those off. I'm very impressed.

Doesn't he look great?

So cheers to Eddie's pants.

Nice accent. Did you study before you came?

Just read Frommer's.

Sorry, boys. I'll be right back.

Oh.

This is bullshit, man. Give me the pants, bro.

What?

Bro, you're married, I'm single. Give me the pants.

I'm not switching pants. People have already seen me in these.

Plus I'm not wearing any underwear.

Bro, just give me the pants. Yo, get off, man.

Monsieur Eddie!

Oh, Charlie! What's up, little man?

Monsieur Eddie? Who the hell is that?

Colette's son Charlie. We went bike riding earlier today.

You were hangin' out with Colette and didn't tell me?

We ran into each other while you were sleeping. Why?

Hey, how is my little man doing?

Oh, I love those pants.

Thank you.

This is dating now?

Texting a girl at 11:00 on a Friday night?

"Hey, you out?"

Romance is dead. I mean, it's a shame.

What happened to picking up a phone, taking the girl out, making out a little.

A little? Oh, what?

I like sex. Is that such a crime?

I, for one, agree. The double standard...

Here's the craziest thing is, actually, I'm pretty easy, you know.

I work hard. I have a kid.

You put in even the slightest effort, I will probably sleep with you.

But what passes for courtship these days is complete bullshit.

I don't know.

Maybe we have to move to New York to find real men.

So, Eddie, how did you and your wife meet?

Believe it or not ninth grade homeroom.

Wait, wait. So you guys have been together since high school?

Well, we did briefly split sophomore year.

When I found some notes this guy Hector Ruiz had stuffed in her locker.

I still bring it up every time we fight.

Matter of fact, I'm married to Luis's sister.

Oh, really?

How crazy for you, non?

Thank you for asking, Brigitte.

Actually, it was at first...

Oh, my God! Oh, my God! Oh, my God! 1992.

Limelight. You were the doorman. I knew I recognized you.

No, no, no, no, no! I was the doorman! I was the doorman!

He was the guy that held the rope.

I just told him when to lift it.

It's amazing! I went there every night.

You went to Limelight? Yeah!

You don't look familiar, though.

Well, looked a little different then.

Wow! I know.

Damn, look at me! Full set of hair, 30 pounds lighter.

Damn, it was good being young. Yeah.

You know what? Tonight, we're all going dancing.

Great idea.

It's leather night at Le Baron!

Bonsoir!

Vámonos, Eddie.

You sure you don't wanna come?

To leather night? You sure you do?

I'm just going with it.

Don't go too far. You need cab money?

I'm fine, Eddie.

Bye.

And don't get home too late either, okay? We have lots to do tomorrow!

Oh, hey, hey! My man! Yo! Whoa! Whoa!

Yo, that's fucked up!

You don't even pick up Puerto Ricans here either!

Damn! Come on!

You know, the last time I was in a club, you give somebody a 20, you got back a lot more than just one glass of champagne.

I haven't been getting out much lately either.

You miss being married?

Sometimes, yes.

Jerome really hurt me, but it wasn't all his fault.

I was checked out. Worked too much. Forgot all the small stuff.

I hear that. It's hard to balance.

You know what hurt the most?

If he had asked me to forgive him, I would have.

He just never asked.

So, what's your secret for staying married for 100 years?

We just celebrated 19. Wow.

And there wasn't much celebrating.

The last few haven't been easy.

Oh. Neither were my first few.

That's why God invented champagne. Cheers.

Ooh!

Excuse me.

Hello?

Yo!

Do you know if the bus is still running?

'Cause I've been here, like, 30 minutes already.

Sorry, man, no idea.

If you have no idea, what the hell are you doing at a bus stop?

Beautiful night. Nothing better to do, I guess.

We're in love.

Someone should tell you love is overrated.

"Love is all you need."

Do you know who said that?

"Fuck bitches, get money." Do you know who said that?

Biggie.

Fuckin' bitch. Damn.

Oh, whoa!

Y'all had... Y'all had a bike all this time? Come on, man.

Bye, sad man. By the way, the bus is on strike.

Fuckin' hipsters.

How hungover are we gonna be tomorrow?

Let's worry about that tomorrow!

But extremely!

Shirt off, Eddie!

Whoa, whoa, not cool, man.

Not cool.

Daniel, let's fuckin' do this!

Come on!

Hey, baby.

What time is it over there?

Oh, it's late, you know. I was just thinking about you.

So you strike out with all the French chicks and you're drunk-dialing me?

No, baby, I was just calling you to... Where are you?

Out.

On... On a date?

None of your damn business!

You know what? As a matter of fact, I gotta run.

Hey, Vanessa...

So, Vanessa.

So you were telling me about your baseball card collection.

Shit, man, you missed a wild one last night.

Yo, for a white girl, Colette sure knows how to get down, bro.

Yo, Lou, where you at?

You tell my sister you been spending all your waking hours with another woman?

What's that supposed to mean?

Why'd you lie to me about seeing Colette yesterday?

What are you talking about? I didn't lie.

It just wasn't a big deal. So I didn't think to mention it.

Uh-huh.

You think something going on between me and Colette, you been sitting in this room too damn long, bro.

Well, I don't wanna talk about it. Let's get dressed.

Just picked up a new batch.

You gotta try the pistachio, bro.

Bro, you gotta chill out with this fuckin' macaroni shit all the time.

Macaroons! Yeah, maricones, whatever.

Let's go, bro! All right.

Yo, I put your hat on the bed, man. Hurry up.


Francesca, my associates tell me you're very connected in the fashion world.

Correct. Yes.

You mentioned you're in the coffee business?

Yes, coffee.

We specialize in the production, manufacturing and distribution of coffee.

But I'm looking to make a career change.

Do you know what this is?

Yes, it's a Rolex.

No.

It's a 4,000% profit.

It's a fake. Made in Beijing for $2.50, sold on the Internet for $200.

The margin of profit is way better than coffee.

Also, if you lose a shipment of these fake watches, nobody's gonna throw you out of a helicopter without a parachute...

Like with coffee.

Oh. Well, Mr. Juarez, while I am impressed by your entrepreneurial spirit, this is not quite my area of expertise.

You understand?

You know, I typically work with high-end fashion brands.

Like Colette. Yes, like Colette.

This is your area of expertise.

Look, I want Colette's new bag.

I have a factory ready to turn over 10,000 fakes of such high quality that not even Colette herself could know the difference.

We could move them for $500 apiece.

Do the math!

Eddie, do the math.

Okay, I do the math.

It's a lot of money.

Ooh, yeah!

And what's in it for me?

€1 million, cash.

Call it a finder's fee.

Call me when you decide.

No, no, no. No, no.

Keep it. Keep it.

And I know it says "water resistant for 500 meters," but I'd take it off before I shower, okay?

Thank you, Mr. Juarez.

Finally I get to afford one of these real bad boys, huh?

I don't know, man. I really don't think it was her.

I didn't get that guilty vibe.

My man. You always hover over your customers like this, or just the brown ones?

Thank you.

Bonjour. Hey, guys.

Hey. How you doin'?

How'd it go with Francesca?

What? Hey. Case closed. You kidding me?

Look, I'm so confident it's Francesca, I'm spending my reward money right here.

Oh, let me ask you something.

What do you think about those earrings right there?

Actually, I think they're hideous.

But those look fantastic. You should get them for your wife, Eddie.

Really? Really.

Look kind of old to me. Well, they're antiques.

So if it really is Francesca, what do we do?

"We?" We do nothing.

You let us handle this.

We're New York's Finest, after all.

And we're good cops, too.

And in the meantime, we're gonna investigate the other suspects.

Okay.

Yo, my man.

Do you, like, accept trade-ins, and stuff like that?

Any sign of Jerome, bro?

If I saw something, don't you think I'd say something?

You ain't gonna see shit because he ain't got the bag.

Francesca got the bag.

Look, if you wanna go to the hotel and do whatever the hell that it is you've been doing here, be my guest.

Oh, you would like that, wouldn't you?

That way you could be Colette's little hero all by yourself.

Why is it so hard for you to understand that Colette and I are just friends?

Ooh-ooh. Just friends.

Just like me and Pepe.

You really think I'd cheat on Gloria?

I'll just pretend I'm not here.

You know what? I don't know what to think.

All I know is that you spend a lot of time talking with her.

Yeah, Luis. Talking.

It ever cross your mind that I like talking to her

'cause I can relate to her as a parent?

Unlike your childish ass.

Yeah, like you and some blonde chick from Paris have so much in common.

Eddie, why don't I see that?

Are you upset she didn't want to sleep with you?

You think I wanna hit on that? That's your girl, bro.

You know what? After all these years, I thought you was loyal.

You know what? You better watch what you say, bro.

Or what? I'm-a...

Guys? Jerome's home.

You know what? Sit your ass here. I'm going alone.

Yeah, like hell you are.

Well, sounds like you guys don't really need me to translate, so...

Get your ass up, French Fry. Let's go!

NYPD! Hands up!

Where's the bag, huh? The Colette bag. Where is it?

He says he doesn't speak English.

Don't make me ask you again!

Oh, boy, here we go.

Ask this motherfucker where he's hiding the stolen Colette bag!

He doesn't know what bag you speak of and wants to know who you are.

The guy who's gonna rip him a new fuckin' asshole if he doesn't cooperate.

You got five seconds before I snap your fuckin' arm off.

One!

Two! Deux...

Three! Trois.

You don't need to translate the numbers!

Yeah, hello?

Yeah, hi, Francesca.

Tomorrow afternoon? Café Julien?

Okay. Thank you, Francesca.

Eddie, um, that was Francesca.

She has the bag.

Look, tell him I'm sorry about the misunderstanding, man.

He says, "Go fuck..." That I understood.

Oh! Fuckin' good apple, man. Thank you.


So glad you made the right choice. Okay, let's do this fast.

You got the money? You got the bag?

Yeah, I got the bag. Okay, let me see the bag.

Let me see the money. Let me see the bag!

Okay. Here the bag.

Let me see.

Hmm.

That's the bag.

That's the bag.

That's the money.

It's all the money in there?

Mmm-hmm. Counted it myself.

Sorry, mami. You should never trust a drug dealer.

Police!

Oh, shit!

Oh shit, Eddie, way to go! That was good!

Okay. Okay. Stand down, amigos. She's ours.

Since when you guys carry guns here? I thought this was like Canada shit.

What the hell's going on?

I guess they've been tracking the same suspects as you.

Okay, well, tell the French boy band we got this handled. We're good.

Good word. All we need now is an official confession.

Confession? What are you talking about, confession? I got the bag.

She gave me the bag!

Then I'm sure it will be easy.

Do you speak English?

Uh, no.

Don't fuck this up!

I want my money, I wanna go home to America.

Okay.

She has confessed to stealing the bag.

You hear that, Father Joe?

She confessed.

Do you mind if I have a word with her?


This is hot, Eddie.

I finally get why you like her.


Oh, ah.


Last night? The bag was stolen a week ago.

I knew she wasn't the thief.

Yeah, but maybe she mixed up last night with last week.

She's not our thief.

So, if it's not Francesca...

Okay, look. I don't wanna give these knuckleheads any more leads, okay?

Kate, that bitch!

She said it. She said it.

The deadline for the ransom is in 12 hour. The board doesn't want to pay.

We don't want to be embarrassed by bootlegger either.

We need proof.

And process of elimination isn't proof.

Understood. We're on it. Okay.

Get her drunk. She has a big mouth when she drinks.

Especially gin.

Last time we went out for martinis, she told me she gave Nicolas Sarkozy a hand job at Cannes.

I have no clue what she said, but I got the hand job part.

She also likes hash!

And beers!

Oh, and coke! She's a model!

What are you doing?

Moisturizing.

You do that shit at home?

No, but I'm open to new experiences, unlike your stubborn ass.

I already tried the bidet. That was enough.

Oh, that's your kid's Christmas present.

Use it sparingly, okay?


How you ladies doin'? How are ya?

Just got here from New York. Our first time in Paris.

Mmm-hmm.

Wow. I'm super happy for you.

But we're having a private conversation here.

Oh, you know, that's so sad because I see you two sitting all alone here, and I just have one simple question to ask you that could change your life forever.

Oh, really? Mmm-hmm.

Well, then, go ahead.

Have you ever been with a Puerto Rican?

Been with two, actually. Cousins.

Yeah. Julio and Javier.

Lovely guys.

But very possessive.

One had a horrible BO.

But thank you for the idea.

But were Julio and Javito packing any of this?

Is that hash?

Hash?

Honey, Sour Diesel from the Lower East Side.

You think Paris is ready for this, huh? Hmm?

You are funny. Mmm.

I like you.

Well, you treat me with a little hospitality, maybe I share.

Uh, garçon.

Let me have a, uh, dry gin martini with a twist of lemon?


Wait, wait, wait. Is John Leguizamo Puerto Rican?

Half.

Well, then I've been with two and a half Puerto Ricans.

Whoo!

Honey, you should try this half.

Oh!

Very nice. Very nice. Ooh, wait, wait, wait.

Oh.

Ah, let's go to Silencio. Everybody's there.

Okay. Yeah?

I'm going to the ladies' room first.

Nobody steal my drink.

Okay.

Think she's gonna make it?

This place sucks. Let's go to Le Floor.

I hate it here. Everybody's at Les Deux. Let's go.

This place is depressing. Everybody's at Andrea's birthday.

I don't know, Kate. Look... She'll never fuck you.

Vámonos.

Wow, bro. Kate is lookin' slammin' hot.

Oh, yeah.

We are this close to the reward money.

Do not fuck it up over some girl you have no shot with.

Bro, he only thing that'll fuck this shit up is you not being able to control your girl.

How many times I gotta tell you? She's not my girl, man.

Hey, boys. Oh, hey.

Meet Andrea, the birthday girl. Hey.

Pleasure.

Luis.

Oh, my grandpa does that, too.

Ooh, I love your head. May I?

Only 'cause it's your birthday.

There is a thief on the loose at this party!

A real back-stabbing bitch...

Wha... Aah!

Watch your bags, ladies!

She could never hold her liquor.

What the hell you doing? I'm trying to help you here.

Who cares? My husband cheated on me.

My best friend stole from me.

Vincent and the suits are worried my bags won't hit international sales quotas.

I should just jump in the Seine.

If you do, I'm not jumping in after you.

Come on, let's get you home.

Oh, no.

Why are there never any cabs in this damn city?

I don't wanna go home! I wanna drink more!

Everything's closed. I know a place.

It's 3:00 a.m., Colette. Okay, just one drink.

Fine. One drink and then you go home.

Okay, maybe two, okay?

One!

Could you please stop running now?

Wah! ¡Uno, dos, tres!

Go, Luis! Go, Luis! Go, Luis!

Whoo! Whoo!

Whoo!

Fuck, I want a rematch.

I want that rematch!

Let's get some air, please.

I don't need air.

But if you need air, yeah, let's get air.

Good.

Bitch.

Big fan of gin, huh?

Yeah, I'm mean...

And gin makes me meaner.

Yeah, your friend Colette was telling me that you're a fan of wine, too?

She mentioned you own a vineyard?

Well, I'm doing okay lately.

Modeling?

I haven't made money modeling since '04.

And I blew most of that on coke and motorcycles.

Then how you buy a vineyard? I mean, hook a brother up.

I shouldn't. I don't know you well enough.

Oh, come on, baby. You can trust me.

Look, where I'm from, everybody tells me their secrets.

I'm like the Oprah from the Lower East Side.

You have to promise me not to tell Colette.

She'd kill me if she found out.

Who's Colette?

I don't know who Colette is. I'm not gonna tell Colette.

I'm a madame.

You're a what, now?

I'm a madame.

A pimp.

See all these girls here? They work for me.

They're models.

No, they're broke models.

I set them up with rich guys for accompaniment.

A fancy dinner here.

A trip to St. Tropez there.

And everybody is so happy.

I mean, come on, really? Nah.

And the only one not happy is my poor friend Colette.

Colette's not happy?

What? Between the divorce and selling the company...

Poor thing, she's having a tough time.

I told her not to sell. I did.

But she didn't listen.

Of course now she regrets it. Oh.

I thought she was being dramatic when she said she wanted to quit and take her son to India for a simple life.

Now I am not so sure.

Wow. Yeah.

A million euros in India goes a long way, huh?

Mmm.

Shit. Listen, I gotta go.

You're leaving me? Now you got me drunk?

Trust me, I don't believe it either, okay?

I gotta go, okay? Oh, come on, Luis.

Luis!

Marie?

Eddie! Oh, Eddie!

Jump with me. Let's trash this fucking place!

No, I'm tired.

You need to chill out. Plus, I left my credit card for incidentals.

Okay.

Oof! Whoa.

May I?

Jesus, you too?

If I say no, you're gonna do it anyway, so go ahead.

How often do you have to shave to keep it so soft?

Every morning. Oh, wow.

You're a simple man, Edgar.

I respect that.

Your heart is pure and your head is shiny.

Mmm. Things used to be simple for me too.

Every Sunday, Jerome would make blueberry pancakes.

They were terrible, but they were his thing.

Charlie would take two bites and pretend to like them, and then we all go get a proper brunch in the Marais.

Things are more complicated now.

Maybe I made the wrong choice. That's what Jerome always says.

Don't listen to him.

Do you think I'm a sellout, Eddie?

Doesn't matter what I think.

Yeah, it matters to me.

I trust you.

I don't think you're a sellout at all.

Whoa, whoa, whoa. It's okay. Hey.

No, I'm married.

Hey. Hey.

Hey. How'd it go, man?

I should be asking you that.

Listen, uh... Kate's clean, everybody's clean.

The only one that ain't clean is your little French friend.

What are you talking about?

Think about it, bro. She loses her husband.

She's miserable at her job, so she says, you know, "Fuck these suits."

Steals her own bag, pockets a million euro cash, then she disappears.

There's no way. Colette isn't dirty like that, man.

She's dirty enough to be coming out of your hotel room at 5:00 a.m.

Face it, Ed. She's shoving her titties in your face to throw you off her track, and it's working.

Nothing happened between us.

Look, I hate to break it to you, Ed, but Colette... She's not your friend.

She's been playing you all this time.

You're just too dumb to see it.

Yo, Colette isn't the thief, and you need to stop calling me dumb, for real.

Then smarten up. Look around, dummy.

Damn, it's killing you to see me do better than you out here, isn't it?

Oh, please, get a grip.

All these years, you've got me under your thumb like a little sidekick.

But God forbid I step out of your shadow.

You can't handle it!

Then step out of my shadow.

I've been wanting a new partner anyway, dick.

So have I, asshole.

You think you're the brains of the operation?

All you are is a fucking ego.

Whatever.

Look, I'm turning Colette in to Vincent.

I'm getting my money and getting the hell out of Paris.

You can stay here with Colette.

I'll go home, and I'll take care of my sister, Gloria, your ex-wife.

Say something now, dick!

Yo.

What are you doing here?

I wanted to come down here to personally tell you I found your thief.

It's Colette.

Colette? What are you talking about?

Well, she regrets selling you her company.

She's telling all her friends she's miserable.

So she's self-sabotaging for a quick payday.

And she's confessed as much to you or you have some other proof?

She's banging Eddie!

What more proof do I need?

And I'll take his cut of the reward.

You think I can accuse my business partner, one of the most beloved designer in Paris, of extortion and fraud with no proof?

Trust me, okay? It's Colette.

Well, as much as I would love to just take your word on that, I'm afraid that's not good enough.

Okay.

I was on the phone with our board earlier this morning.

At this point we have no choice but to pay the ransom and put this matter to rest.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm late for a meeting.

I trust you can see yourself out the same way you saw yourself in.

I must say, I expected more from, uh, New York's Finest.

"I must say, I expected more from New York's Finest."

Yeah, buddy.

Merci beaucoup, bro.


What the fuck was I thinking?

I'm sorry I tried to kiss you.

Clearly, I had too much to drink.

Nah, it's all good.

Is that you playing it cool?

What? Nah. Nah. Okay.

'Cause you're saying "nah" a lot.

Oh, for real?

Okay.

Actually, let me call you right back, okay?

Vincent?


Merde!

I need soap.

And a towel.

Bring back the leftover soap!

So, gentlemen... Bro, I'm all out of fuckin' euros.

I'll send you a Christmas card.

Guys, wait!

I really need to talk to you.

What the fuck you do to your hair?

Something crazy is happening.

Vincent fired me. I have no idea what's going on.

Oh, wow. You know, that's really too bad, 'cause we've got a flight to catch, so we got to go.

Okay. Okay. I'll take you to the airport.

Bye, Colette.

Get in the fucking car before I lose it!

So he spins some bullshit about gross negligence and basically says I have no recourse.

The whole thing is ridiculous!

Are you actually gonna watch the road?

Okay, you see, that... That was a stop sign.

And of course I can't compete with their team of lawyers.

You should've thought about that before you stole your own bag, and made us go on this wild-goose chase. What?

You think I'm the one behind all of this?

You can't seriously believe that!

We investigated everybody, okay? None of 'em did it.

So that doesn't leave too many suspects now.

You think it was me, too?

I honestly don't know what to think at this point.

Eddie, that's how you see me now, a thief?

I thought we were friends!

I thought I'd go to New York and meet your family.

Oh, shit. I never got Gloria a gift.

Damn!

That is so much like you, Eddie.

No reward money, no gift, and she was already mad when I left.

Give her these, bro.

Thanks, man.

You know, you should have stuck to just making sunglasses.

They wasn't so bad.

I don't make sunglasses.

They said "Colette" on them. You know, you're just full of lies, ain't you?

What? Give me those!

Where'd you get these?

I got them from Vincent's office.

He had all kind of styles, you know. I should've stole all of 'em.

Colette, what are you doing? Just follow me.

You're the only ones I can actually trust.

What the hell you talking about? We don't trust you at all!

Damn.


You set me up to look negligent so you could fire me and use my name to sell cheap sunglasses and perfumes and God knows what else!

You stole the bag! You wrote the ransom notes!

This whole shit was you!

Sorry, gentlemen, she's clearly unhappy about her termination.

Open your safe.

There's a safe somewhere, and the bag is in it.

He ruined my life's work to sell shitty sunglasses.

I'm not going anywhere until I get some answers!

Is there a safe in this office, Vincent?

I would look behind the painting.

Rich white guys, they're always hiding shit behind paintings.

Okay. As a matter of fact, I do have a safe.

But I don't think it's appropriate that this woman barges in here with some crackpot...

Open it.

Open it.

Fine.


Well, shit.

I know it's in here.

I know it's in here!

Oh.

I was gonna take him out right then.

Don't touch me.

I'll leave on my own when I'm ready.

I thought we were friends, Vincent, but you're just a snake.

Don't even think about it, Pepe.

Excuse me, can I borrow your chair for a second?

Move back, please?

Shit!

Are you out of your fucking mind?

What the...

Get the fuck away from there! Get the...

Probably didn't need to break homeboy's tank. My bad.

Fuckin' Eddie, man!

I'm not crazy?

No, you're not crazy!

Fucking Puerto Rican! Check it out, Eddie.

I finally got some ass in Paris.

I gotta say, Eddie, that was really good detective work.

I'm really impressed.

Yeah, well, somebody's gotta be the brains of the operation.

You know nothing happened between Colette and I, right?

I know.

I love Gloria, man. I would never do anything to lose her.

Yeah, I guess she's stuck with your broke ass.

Broke?

I just made 150 grand, bro.

After I pay off all my credit cards, I may even be able to take Gloria to a restaurant with cloth napkins.

Yeah, she's lucky to have you.

And so am I, partner.

Oh, uh-uh. Uh-uh. Uh-uh. It's still a matter of pride at this point.

Trust me on this.

Oh, my God, this is fucking delicious.


What the fuck did you do in Paris, Edgar?

You like? Like?

I love! Oh, my gosh!

How'd you know to pick these out?

I had a little help from a friend.

Well, you need to get help more often.

You look beautiful.

Yes, you're gonna get some.

Want me to do all the work? All the work, baby.

All the work? All of it.

Hi.

Can I talk to you for a minute?

No.

Okay.

I guess I'm gonna have to do it from out here!

I traveled 4,000 miles, and I finally realized what I was looking for was always right in front of me.

I mean, not at the moment, but you know what I mean?

All you need is love.

I get that now.

You write that all by yourself?

Oh, my God.

Yeah. Oh, I do! I do! I do! I do!

Okay, okay. Wait, wait. No, no, no, not yet.

Let me ask you first. Okay, okay. Go ahead.

Look at this ring!

Yeah, yeah, it's an antique from Paris.

Oh, my God. An antique from Paris? That's dope.

Can I finish? Yes.

Will you do me the honor of...

Sorry, baby, but I just have to say you look so cute right now.

Oh, my God, give me a minute!

Mmm-mmm.

Gelato and ice cream. I mean, I can't tell the difference.

What is it? Gelato's got more fat.

Don't tell me that shit, Eddie. For real?


Yo, my man. Can I take a picture with the snake?

Oh, shit!

Eddie, come on, jump with me.

Let's trash this place!

No, I'm tired.

Ooh! Aah!

Ooh, I had a booger.

That's crazy. Can we get some more wine? Thanks.

Oh, my God! Oh, my God!

What are you doin'? Wait! Wait, wait, wait!

Oh, my God!

Of course they don't, baby, because we're gonna...

Of course not, baby, because we're going to the Garden to see Bruno's...

Of course they don't, baby, because we're going to the MSG tonight to see Bruno Mars.

Perfect delivery, but you said "the MSG." So...

At MSG. At MSG.

Bye. And don't go... Don't...

Don't get home too late either!

We have so much to do. So much shopping in Paris.