Punch-Drunk Love (2002) Script

Yes, I'm still on hold. MAN: And what was this?

I'm looking at your advertisement for the airline promotion and giveaway.

- Ah, this is our frequent flyer plan. Yeah.

It's hard to understand because it says, "In addition to."

But I can't exactly understand "in addition to" what?

Because there's actually nothing to add it to.

I think that's a typo then.

Okay, so just to clarify — I'm sorry.

Ten purchases of any of your Healthy Choice products equals 500 miles.

And with the coupon, the same purchases would value 1,000 miles?

- That's it. (heavy thump, faint)

Do you realize that the monetary value of this promotion and the prize is potentially worth more than the purchases?

(metallic thwack)

- I don't know. (thwacking continues)

Could I call you back?

Could I ask you your extension and your name, possibly?

It's extension 215 and the name is Carter.

Carter.

Thank you very much, Carter. - All right.

Good-bye.


(tires screeching)


I'm not sure what that means. MAN: If they break or something.

- What is it, plastic? It's, uh, plastic, yeah.

But that kind of breakage shouldn't be a problem.

- Let me call you first thing tomorrow. (muttering) In shipping we have insurance.

I'm gonna run the numbers, see what's what. I'll call back.

Okay. You have my home phone number, right?

- What's that for? If you wanted to call me.

It's not a problem. - No, I'm fine. I have your work number.

Okay. Because of the time difference, if you needed to reach me earlier — No, that's fine. I can just get you at your office.

Okay. All right. - Okay.

- Bye-bye. Bye-bye.


Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

(emergency brake sets) (engine off)

Hi.

Hi. Do you work at the mechanic?

No.

They're not open yet? They don't get open until 8:00.

Is it okay if I leave my car, you think?

I don't know. I-I don't know.

I thought they opened at 7:00.

If I left my car, would it be okay? Geez, I don't know how they do it.

Do you know them? Not very well.

Can I ask you — Could I trust to leave my key with you so that when they get here you could give it to them?

Okay, yeah, sure.

You think it's okay where I've left it? I think it'll be fine, yeah.

I can watch it. Thanks a lot.

Keep an eye on it.

There's a piano in the street. Yeah.

Okay. Maybe I'll see you later. Thank you for your help.

Thank you.

Maybe I'll see you later when I pick up my car. Okay.


(train whistle blowing)

(gasping)

(whistle continues blowing) (sighing)


(hammer pad thumps)

(hammer pad thumps)

(hinges squeaking)

♪♪ (low tone)

♪♪ (low tone: higher pitch)

♪♪ (low tone: lower pitch)

♪♪ (note)

♪♪ (note: higher pitch)

♪♪ (note: lower pitch, half tone)

♪♪ (note: lower pitch)

♪♪ (three notes, descending)

♪♪ (three notes, descending)

Morning, Barry.

You okay? Yes.

Why you wearing a suit?

I bought one. I thought it would be nice to get dressed for work.

And I'm not exactly sure why.

May I please show you something? Sure.

What's this?

I believe this is a small piano.

It's not a piano. I got a piano at home.

Oh. Where'd you get it?

It was dropped in the street.

Why is it here?

Barry?

BARRY (whispers): Crash.

(men chattering, faint) Barry?

MAN: Morning!

I don't know.

♪♪ (orchestra: lush)

♪♪ (woman vocalizing)

(man speaking, indistinct, faint)

♪♪ (guitar: plucked notes) ♪♪ (orchestra: suspenseful)

♪♪ (woman concludes vocalizing)

♪♪ (orchestra: strings warming up)

♪♪ (harp: glissando)

MAN: Great products. I like both lines. (man #2 speaking simultaneously)

Twenty-four, 48. I don't want to end up with extra inventory.

My boss won't like that. Can you guarantee all your sales?

We do back our "fungers" 100%. (phone rings)

We ask for a 30-to-60-day display on the floor.

MAN (on PA): Barry, your sister's on line one.

Barry, your sister's on line one.

I don't think they'll be out that long. I can almost guarantee you that.

Let me just get this. It's my sister.

Not a problem. Not a problem.

This is Barry. - Hey, it's me. It's Rhonda.

- Are you going to this goddamn party tonight? Oh, hi, Rhonda. Yes, I am.

- All right, fine, bye. (line clicks)

Bye-bye. I'll see you tonight. Well, if it's an order for more cases — Sorry about that. it's, uh, free shipping.

Just wanted to tell you fellas that we just received a very large order from the Rio Hotel and Casino in Las Vegas.

We will be supplying each and every one of their bathrooms with the dice and money funger.

So, these babies are really flying. With the Aqua-Blast— MAN (on PA): Barry, your sister's on line two.

Barry, your sister's on line two.

With the Aqua-Blast, with the little zippers, the whales and the speedboats, we ask for the display to be at eye level for little children.

Barry. Let me just get that.

You know, you can also color-coordinate these fungers.

This is Barry. WOMAN: Hey, it's me. What are you doing?

I have some customers here. I can't really chat now.

"Chat"? Did you just say "chat"?

Ye — I-I-I can't talk — - You just fuckin' said "chat." That's so...

(scoffs) What are you now? "Chat."

I'm just calling to make sure that you show up at this party tonight.

Oh, yes, I will be there. - Okay, fine.

Then you get to go back to chatting with your precious customers, you fuckin' phony, chatty piece of shit.

Okay. All right. Thank you.

MAN: I'm really, really tired of it. Sorry about that.

I didn't know you had a sister. Yes, I do.

I wanted to tell you guys about the new fungers.

We've been working on this and we have a nonbreakable handle, finally.

Um, let me demonstrate for you.

Okay, this was one of the old ones. So, um — Do we have a new one around, Lance?

Sorry about that.

That's a little embarrassing. Um — MAN (on PA): Barry, your sister's on line four.

So how many sisters do you have? I have seven.

Yes.

And they're calling me because they're having a party tonight, so they're just calling me.

I'll be two more minutes, okay?

(phone beeps) This is Barry.

WOMAN: What are you doing? Hi, Kathleen. I'm just working.

- You going to the party tonight? Yes, I am.

- What are you doing? I'm just working.

- Yeah, but what are you doing? I'm... talking on the phone to you.

I'm standing.

- What time are you gonna be there? 7:00.

- You can't be late. I'm serious. I won't. I won't.

- Seriously. You can't be late. I know. I know.

You can't just not show up like you do. You have to go. Seriously.

Okay. Okay. All right. - You can't just stay in your house. I'm serious.

- I'll see you there? See you there.

- Don't puss out. Okay.

♪♪ (three notes, descending)

♪♪ (two notes, ascending)

(slams) (groans)

(chattering)


Is her car gonna be okay?

It's fine. Thanks.

Barry, it's your sister.

Hi. How are you? Hey, Elizabeth.

How's it going? It's going great.

Just stopped by to say hello. Terrific. How you doing?

So you're going tonight, right? Yes, I'll be there.

Cool. You're going?

Yes, I am. Actually, I came by to talk to you about something in particular.

There's this girl from work who I think is really cute and really cool, and I want you to meet her.

So I was thinking about bringing her to the party tonight. What do you think?

Yeah, I don't want to do that.

Why? I just — I don't do stuff like that.

Well, you don't really do anything.

Everybody would be looking at me.

So? What's wrong with looking at you? It's a free country.

I just feel like I would be a little tense and I don't think I'd act like myself.

Well, that's kind of your fault.

There's an outside chance I'm not even coming tonight.

Oh. Really?

Everyone said you were coming. Didn't you tell everybody you were coming?

I have to renew my gym membership.

Oh! Right.

Oh, God, well — well, that solves everything, actually.

If you're not gonna come, I can just bring her. It's not that big of a deal.

Oh, well, it'll be fine. Great.

Please don't. I'm just trying to be your friend, Barry.

Hope you can make it!

WOMAN: Remember when Barry used to get all mad?

WOMAN #2: Oh, my God. WOMAN: He would freak out.

WOMAN #3: Because Rhonda used to call him "gay boy" all the time.

(all chattering) WOMAN: Remember the sliding glass door?

He threw that hammer through the sliding glass door!

WOMAN #4: He got glass in his foot and Mom and Dad had to take him to the hospital.

WOMAN: He came home from the hospital and locked himself in the bathroom with the hammer.

(women chattering)

Hey! There he is! Hi.

ALL: Hi! We were just talking about you.

Remember when we used to call you "gay boy" and you'd get all mad?

What's that? We used to call you "gay boy." Remember?

You'd be fine, and then we'd call you "gay boy," you'd just freak out.

We were calling you gay, and you got so mad you threw the hammer through the sliding glass door.

I don't remember that. Yes, you do.

We were calling you "gay boy," and you got so mad.

Are you gay now? I don't know.

(all laughing) I don't know.

We were trying to figure out why you had the hammer.

Why are you wearing that suit? I-I-I... I don't know.

I like the suit. Thank you!

Are you using that dandruff shampoo I bought you?

Yes. Barry. Barry.

You are? Barry, why'd you have the hammer?

Why did I have the hammer? Wh — He was building a doghouse. Oh, okay. Rhonda.

(all chattering) Happy birthday.

Thanks for coming.

Oh, a cake. We have a cake.

You got a cake? Hey, I was just thinking about you.

Glad you could make it.

Mr. Chatty. Hi, Mr. Chatty. (kisses)

You have rice in your hair. Oh...

Did you say hello to your brother-in-laws?

Hey, Barry. How you doing? Mike. How you doing, pal?

Good to see you. I saw your car out front. Pretty snazzy.

Hey, Barry. How's it goin'? Oh, I'm sorry.

How's it going?

How's work?

Business is very food, thank you.

What's "very food"?

What's that? You just said, "Very food."

Oh, I'm sorry. I meant to say, "Very good."

Maybe you said "food," uh, 'cause you're hungry.

You know, you want to eat. That makes sense.

(chattering continues)

Is your friend here?

No. You're off the hook, Barry.

She couldn't make it. Thank you.

You nervous? No.

You look nervous.

I feel very happy. Oh, good.

Did you get your gym membership?

Tomorrow. (chattering continues)

Hey! I had a girl I was gonna bring for Barry, and he wouldn't let me do it.

So, I had this girl I was gonna bring for him, and she's totally awesome.

We work together. Yeah?

And he said that, uh, he couldn't be himself.

RHONDA: Come on, gay boy. It's time to eat.

ELIZABETH: I don't know. Maybe he's worried we're gonna give him a bunch of shit about it.

He said he wouldn't come if I brought her.

SISTER: He did? He's such a fuckin' asshole! Why do you listen to him?

ELIZABETH: I don't know. I was totally gonna bring her.

It would've been, like, totally casual. Look at him!

(glass shattering)

SISTER: What the fuck is your problem?

ELIZABETH: You fucking retard, Barry!

(all shouting)

I'm sorry about that.

Sorry about what I did. It's all right.

I wanted to ask you something because you're a doctor, right?

Yeah.

I don't like myself sometimes.

Can you help me?

Barry, I'm a dentist. I...

What kind of help do you think I can give you?

I know. Uh, maybe you know other doctors?

Like a psychiatrist?

I just don't have anybody else I can talk to about things, and I understand it's confidential with a doctor.

I just, um — I don't want my sisters to know. Okay?

'Cause I'm embarrassed about this.

Barry, if it's about getting you a phone number for a psychiatrist, I can do that.

It's not a problem.

But what exactly is wrong?

I don't know if there is anything wrong because I don't know how other people are.

I sometimes cry a lot... for no reason.

(stifled sobbing)

I'm sorry.

(whimpering)


Dollar, 79.


(whispering) What am I looking for?

What am I looking for? Please tell me.

Talk to me. Talk to me. Talk to me.

Pudding.


WOMAN (on TV): Oh, I see you. Richard Seland. Yes.

All right, Mr. Seland.

WOMAN (on phone): Hi. This is Janice, the operator. Who's this?

Hi. How you doing? - Hi. Is this your first time calling?

Yes, it is.

Can I have your credit card number followed by the expiration date?

Sure. Uh, how much is this, anyways?

It's 2.99 per minute for the first half-hour and 1.99 per minute after that.

Okay, and it's confidential?

What do you mean?

The information I give you, it's private, confidential?

Of course. Yeah.

Would you like to talk to a girl?

I can connect you with a beautiful girl if I can just have your credit card number, followed by the expiration date.

Sure. 5-1-0-2...

1-7-1-7...

8-1-1-8...

6-5-5-4.

Expiration, 05-04.

JANICE: And your billing address and the name as it appears on the card.

1274 Moorpark, Sherman Oaks, California, Apartment 4, 91403, zip code.

- And your name? Barry Egan.

And your social security number.

What for?

Um, it's just for verification through the credit card company.

And this is confidential?

It's just for us to verify your credit card information.

It's completely confidential and it appears on your credit card as D and D Mattress Man.

Very good.

9-1...

I'm sorry. 9-1-7...

It's okay.

6-5...

MAN (on TV): Dot.org.

5-0-1-2.

Okay. So hang on, Barry, all right?

Thank you very much.

WOMAN (on TV): Thank you. (continues, faint)

JANICE: We're all set.

Can I have a telephone number, area code first, on where we can call you back?

Could you possibly just connect me to one of the girls?

It's a callback service. A girl will call you back.

Okay, eh...

I just was calling to speak with one of the girls.

I thought that's how it worked.

I'm at 8-1-8... - Okay.

7-7-5... - Mm-hmm.

3-9-9-3.

Okay. And what kind of a girl would you like to talk to?

I don't want anybody to know it's me though. I don't want them to know my name. Okay?

- Nobody'll know your name. Okay, if you could tell her my name is Jack.

- You want her to call you Jack? Sure.

I just don't want her to know it's me.

- Okay, that's fine, Jack. Thank you. I'm sorry.

No problem. So we'll call you right back. Okay?

Terrific. - Okay.

(beeps)

WOMAN (on TV): ...ever increasing, expanding program.

(clears throat, continues, faint)

(rings)

Hello, this is Back.

WOMAN: I'm calling for Jack.

How you doing?

Hi. How are you doing?

This is Jack. - This is Georgia.

Hiya. - Hiya. What are you doing tonight?

Nothing. What are you doing?

I am laying on my bed.

Where are you?

I'm in my bedroom.

No, I mean, what state. What city are you in?

- I'm in California. Me too. I'm in California.

I know you are, baby. I'm in Los Angeles.

I'm in Los Angeles too. - Well, well, well.

Maybe we should hook up sometime. What do you think?

Are you watching a porno movie, Jack?

No, I'm not, Georgia.

- Do you like porno movies? Sure.

Yeah?

So, Jack, are you stroking it?

No.

What are you doing then?

I'm talking to you.

With your pants off?

No, my pants are on.

I'm only wearing a T-shirt and panties.

Really? - Yeah, really.

And I'm looking at my shaved pussy in the mirror.

- Do you want to know what I look like? Doesn't matter.

What do you mean, it doesn't matter?

Well, I have no way of finding out, so it doesn't matter.

I'm not lying to you, Jack.

I'm about 5 foot 8, 34-28-34. My friends say I'm gorgeous.

Really? - Yeah, really.

- What about you? That doesn't matter.

Yes, it does.

Mmm — - You're married, aren't you?

No. - No? You have a girlfriend?

Yes. - Oh.

Where is she?

She went out of town.

Oh! Good. I like that.

I'm so horny, Jack. What about you?

Sure.

Do you like peaches, Jack?

They're okay.

Well, you'll like 'em even better, 'cause I'm a Georgia peach.

(chuckles)

Are you jacking off yet, Jack?

No, I'm not.

Well... do you ever?

Sometimes, yeah, when I'm lonely.

Well, you don't have to be lonely anymore, 'cause you got me now.

You sound very nice and very personable.

(laughs) Very personable. Thank you, baby.

So, what do you do, Barry?

I work. I have my own business.

I work hard at doing my business.

- Are you good at your business? Yes.

Yeah? So, do you do really well? Do you make tons of money?

I'm doing pretty good, I think, as a start.

I wish I was making more, doing a little bit better, but I can't get over a certain hump.

I will. I'll crack something very soon, I think, and really do better.

I'd like to diversify.

But I'm doing great, I think, as a start.

Are you stroking it yet, baby?

No, I'm not. - Is your cock hard?

I don't know what it's doing right now.

Why don't you take your clothes off, Jack?

And I want to picture you laying down with me next to you.

And I want you to stroke your cock, okay?

(whispers) Okay?

Okay? I'm so horny, Barry. I want you.

(phone rings)

(rings)

This is Barry. GEORGIA: Hey, what are you doing?

- How are you? I'm fine. Nothing. How are you?

It's me. It's Georgia.

How's it going? Good morning.

- It's okay that I'm calling, right? Sure.

I just wanted to call and talk to you and thank you for last night and, um, just catch you before you went to work and say hey.

Well, thank you.

I am so tired. I went to bed so late last night.

What about you? When did you go to sleep?

Not very late.

- Well, you going to work now? Yes.

- Can I ask you a question? Sure.

Remember last night when we were talking and I was telling you about my apartment and my rent?

Mm-hmm. - Remember?

Mm-hmm. (Georgia laughs)

This is so weird and really embarrassing for me.

No. - But, um...

I was wondering if maybe you could help me out with some money.

Me? - Yeah.

Uh, yeah — No, I'm sorry.

I can't afford that.

But you don't even know how much it is.

How much is it?

Like seven, 50. 750.

Yeah, no, no. I can't afford that.

I'm s-sorry. Sorry.

Seriously?

You're having trouble. Financial trouble?

It's so hard these days, and, yeah, I really need it.

Yeah, I just don't have enough money to be able to do that. I'm sorry.

I thought you said you had your own business. You said you were going to diversify.

Mm-hmm. - So you think you can?

I'm sorry.

Maybe I should call back and talk to your girlfriend?

Maybe it'd be better to ask her for the money.

It could be really easy, you know, Barry. I have all your information.

I have your credit card information, all of your billing stuff— Okay, no, thank you. (phone beeps)

Good morning, Barry. Morning, Lance.

What's with all this pudding? What is this?

Oh, that's part of a pretty amazing airline promotional giveaway that's really tremendous.

I'm gonna start a collection of puddings and coupons that can be redeemed for frequent flyer miles through Healthy Choice and American Airlines.

You going on a trip? No, no.

But airline mileage is like a currency these days.

You should go on a trip. Yeah, no, thank you.

So, what do you want me to do with it?

Why don't we just leave it there for now.

(mutters)

(mutters)

(muttering continues)

(mutters) Yeah, really.

♪♪ (note squeaks)

(duct tape rips)


♪♪ (three notes, descending)

♪♪ (two notes, ascending)

Thank you very much. I'm doing well. My name is Barry Egan.

WOMAN (on phone): Uh-huh. I have a little problem with my Mastercard.

- Okay. I, uh — I, uh, lost it and I found it again, and I'm afraid in my lost-ing and finding, I, um — somebody might have used my card or —

- Okay, what's the account number? Okay.

I did punch that in earlier. I'm sorry.

I just — I-I'm nervous about the whole situation.

Is there the proper — I don't know the etiquette in this situation.

I just wanna make sure that no one spent any money so far.

I don't have money to burn. - Okay.

- Uh, but there's nothing — I'm clean for now?

- Yes, um, everything is fine. Yeah, I'm sorry to sound panicked.

- That's okay — What's your name?

- My name is Jeanette. Nice to meet you.

So I'm gonna go ahead and cut it up. - Okay, that's fine.

I'll cut up my card then a-and, um, get a new one going. Right?

- Yes, you will. Thank you very much.

- You're welcome. Okay.

(groans)

That shouldn't be there, Rico!

I don't want to be a dick, but that could hurt somebody.

It already did hurt somebody. It hurt me. Let's please move that.

♪♪ (sustained note)

♪♪ (random notes)

He's wearing that goddamn suit again. I don't know why he's wearing that suit.

He doesn't usually dress like that. It's fine.

Hey, what are you doing? Why are you wearing that suit again?

I don't know. Hi.

Hi. Remember me? I left my car yesterday.

Yes, I do. This is Lena.

She's a good friend from work.

We were in the neighborhood. She had to pick up her car.

We're getting breakfast before we go in. Want to go? We're gonna eat. Let's go.

Yeah, I can't. Why?

I have to work. I have to stay here.

Seriously, though, we're going to eat, I said.

I'm sorry. It's okay. That's all right.

What is that? Are you learning to play the piano?

(mutters) That's not a piano.

(shouts) Lance! Yeah?

Remember, we have to call that guy in Toledo.

Which guy? I'll tell you later.

You don't want to come eat with us? MAN: Telephone, Barry, on line two.

What's all that pudding?

I don't know. I'm gonna talk to you in a second. Let me just get this.

ELIZABETH: What's that pudding, Barry?

This is Barry. GEORGIA: Hey, baby.

I guess we got disconnected before.

We got disconnect — How did you get this number? You're calling me at work?

You canceled your credit card. I need you not to cancel your credit card.

And I need you to up your limit.

Okay, this is making me very uncomfortable.

I need help. Should I just ask your girlfriend?

Maybe I should just call back and talk to your girlfriend.

I don't have a girlfriend. - You said you did.

I know, but I don't. - You lied to me?

This is illegal, okay? I'm sorry. I'll call the police.

No, you won't.

This is a little embarrassing. I'm sorry. I'll go pay for my car.

Are you sure? Yeah.

He's being weird. I have no idea why he's being weird and dressed in that suit.

LENA (chuckles): It's not bad. It's okay.

He's so strange. I don't even know if you'd really want to go out with someone like him.

It's all right. I'll just pay for my car. I'm sorry.

- Come on, rich boy. I thought we had fun. This isn't cool.

- You thought it was cool last night. I'm gonna hang up.

You have no idea what could happen, you motherfucker.

I have to go. - You're making a big mi — What do you think? She's cool, right? Why did you just come by like this?

It's not cool? No, it's fine.

It's just, I feel put on the spot. Do you think you'll ask her out?

Are you gonna do it? I don't do things like that.

You don't do anything. Why are you being scared?

I'm not being scared. I just — You're gonna rag on me if I do this.

I'm not gonna rag you. Why would I do this just to rag you?

(mutters) I don't know. Can I ask you a serious question?

Did you ask Walter to get you a shrink?

Barry, did you ask Walter to get you a shrink?

What's the matter with you? Are you okay?

He is lying.

You're being weird again. Come on. Please don't be weird.

We should be going.

Yep — No, I have to get something from my car.

What guy in Toledo are you talking about?

I'm talking about the guy.

I'll come over, I'll tell you later. Are you talking about the Ramada Inn?

I'll just come over to you in — in a second.

I'm sorry I couldn't come to your sister's birthday party last night.

Elizabeth invited me, and I couldn't make it.

Not a problem. Don't worry about it. We had a terrific time though.

Must be weird for you to have so many sisters.

No, not at all. It's very nice.

Telephone, Barry. Line one. Pardon me.

(line beeps) This is Barry.

GEORGIA: Hang up again and see the trouble it's gonna make.

Thank you. - What do you mean, thank — Business is good. You're busy. Yeah. Um, not really.

I saw a picture of you. Oh, yes?

Elizabeth has a picture of you guys, your sisters and you.

It's a lot of family. It must be nice.

Do you have brothers or sisters? No.

I'm the exact opposite.

(phone rings) That must be nice.

That must be really, really, really — (phone rings)

No, it's terrible.

What's the pudding for? That's something else.

Gonna get pancakes? Yes, we are.

You're going up — (driver shrieks)

Oh, my God. How long have you worked with my sister?

(Lance shouting in Spanish) Six months, maybe five.

So you know her. Do you want to check that?

Sure. (Spanish continues)

Are you guys hurt? Are you okay?

They're okay. So, you do what she does? The same job, the same work as her?

I do.

But I do mainly field consultations too.

Which is cool 'cause I get to travel. I'm going to Hawaii on Friday.

Hawaii? I was thinking about going there.

Really? I was thinking about going there on business.

Well, if you're gonna go... I'm probably not gonna go though.

Oh, that's — that's too bad, 'cause it's so great over there, and if you were there we could say hello to each other or something.

That would be great, but I have so much going on. A lot depends on this thing.

If it happens, I won't be able to go. But if it doesn't, I might be able to.

I can't find that thing in my car, but I can give it to you later.

So, are you gonna come eat with us?

Yeah, I can't. Whoa!

(Lena gasps) Oh, my God!

LANCE: Whoa, whoa, whoa!

It was great to meet you again. What was that?

Thanks for helping me yesterday and — What is that piano? What is this pudding?

I don't know. Why are they here?

I have no idea. Call me later.

We can talk about asking Walter for the shrink.

And he said you have this crying problem. LENA: Bye, Barry.

ELIZABETH: Call me later. (Lance shouting in Spanish)

ELIZABETH: He's obviously very busy.

I don't even know if he has time for a girlfriend.

Sorry.

So I'll just see you at the restaurant? Okay.

(Lance, workers chattering in Spanish)

Um, I'm gonna go and eat tomorrow night. Do you want to go with me?

Sure.

Do you want to pick me up?

Sure.

Can I write down my address and phone number for you?

Sure.

This is funny. Yeah.

Here you go. Thanks.

(Lance continues in Spanish)

I didn't ask for a shrink. That must have been somebody else.

Also, that pudding isn't mine.

Also, I'm wearing a suit today because I had a very important meeting this morning.

And I don't have a crying problem. Okay.

(mutters) Okay.

Hi. Hi.

Hi.

(phone rings)

(rings)

This is Barry.

GEORGIA: You just made a fucking war for yourself that you can't afford.

(line: receiver slams down)

WOMAN (moaning): Ooh, yeah.

MAN: How do you know this guy's rich? GEORGIA: He said he was gonna diversify.

Diversify what? His business.

And what is his name? Barry Egan.

I can take the brothers on this mission? Mm-hmm.

We'll do it.

Thank you so much.

(feedback) Check. Check. One, two. Test. Test.

How's that sound? Bring it down.

You can't do that. It's wrong.

Check.

Check, check, check. Hold on.

One, two, test. Check.

They'll go.

Great. (sighs)

I'm only paying two of you guys. That's cool.

When can you leave? If you want — I want you to go right away. I think that's best.

I also really need you to check out a car for me down there that this guy's selling.

Your expenses are your own. But Latisha said you were gonna cover — She didn't know what she was talking about. Whatever, man. That's not cool.

David, don't. Seriously. Doesn't make sense if you think about it in a fair, deal-like sense.

Okay? It's business. WOMAN: Baby, are you stroking your cock?

$100, two days work. A lot more than your family's making, sitting around your house.

(chuckles) All right? Now, I'm serious now. Okay?

Please. Now just stop.

Keys to the truck. You gotta gas that up.

Save receipts on that.

His address.

We have his business address too, but — You know what?

(sighs) Hit him at his house first.

See what this little bad boy businessman is all about.

Just fix it, sir. (Lena, Barry laugh)

And now I want — I want to tell you something. I've got to tell you.

Oh, no.

I saw a picture of you guys, your sisters and you, and... I saw your picture and I really wanted to meet you.

I came to drop my car off, on purpose, to try and meet you.

Ha-ha-ha. What, are you lying?

No.

Oh, my... I thought I should tell you.

I didn't want to get too far along on going out and be hiding something.

It was very nice of you to say.

Terrific.

I was listening to these morning DJs this morning.

They always have couples that call in and... and talk about their problems.

And this DJ Justice — this morning DJ that I really like.

And they were talking about pictures, about yearbook pictures and how nobody's happy with the way they look in their pictures.

And I just love this guy because he tells it the way it is.

He's, you kn — He's not a phony.

And this guy calls up and he's talking about his senior quote.

So DJ Justice says, "What was your senior quote? What was so great about it?"

And he says, "I stole an ancient proverb." And so he says, "Okay."

And he, uh, says, "Confusion say —"

(Lena laughing) And then DJ Justice —

"Confusion or Confucius?"

And it was just so comical.

DJ Justice just cuts you down to size. That's my favorite part of the show.

I laugh — I laugh and laugh. Even when I'm alone.

So, uh, how's your business going? Did you sell all that pudding?

That pudding is not a sales item.

Why?

It's not for sale.

Really? Uh...

Wh-Why is that?

I'd rather not say, if that's okay.

Oh. I'm sorry. What is it, like, a secret pudding?

Let's just keep it between you and I, if that's possible.

Sure, sure.

(whispering) Healthy Choice and American Airlines got together for this promotion.

If you buy any ten of Healthy Choice products, they will award you 500 frequent flyer miles.

With this special coupon, they'll up it to a thousand miles.

So I think they're trying to push their teriyaki chicken, which is $1.79.

But I went to the supermarket and I looked around, and I saw that they had pudding for 25 cents a cup.

Comes in packages of four.

But, insanely, the bar codes are on the individual cups.

So, a quarter a cup...

Say you bought $2.50 worth.

That's worth 500 miles.

With the coupon, it's a thousand miles.

It's a marketing mistake, but I'm taking advantage of it.

If you were to spend $3,000, that would get you a million frequent flyer miles.

You would never have to pay for a ticket the rest of your life.

So you — you bought all that pudding so that you could get frequent flyer miles?

Yeah, yeah. Yes.

That's insane.

I'm guessing it was a mistake.

But I'm taking advantage of it while it's offered.

Ah.

Who knows how long it'll last if too many people start doing it.

Mm-hmm.

Your sister was telling me a very funny story about you — when you guys — when you were kids.

You were building a ramp for the dog and you threw a hammer through a window.

You threw a hammer straight through a sliding glass door.

Is that right?

Threw a hammer. I don't remember doing that.

(exhales)

My sister's a liar.

I have to go to the bathroom.

(gasps)

(shouting)

Okay. Sorry.

And the waiter come by yet?

Hello. Hi.

Can I talk to you, sir? Why?

I just need you for a second, please. Okay.

Sir, the bathroom was just torn apart. Yeah.

Did you do it? No.

You didn't just smash up the bathroom? No.

Well, who did?

I don't know.

Sir, your hand is bleeding. I cut myself.

How? On my knife.

What? What?

Sir, your hand is bleeding. I know.

I'm gonna have to ask you to leave. Yeah, but I didn't do anything.

Sir, I've got no way to prove that you smashed up the bathroom — I didn't do that. I didn't.

Look, I'm gonna have to ask you to go. Okay. I didn't do it though.

I'm gonna have to ask you to leave. Please don't do this to me.

Sir, I'm gonna call the police. All right. Can I just stay?

Sir, I'm gonna crack your fuckin' head open. Get out of here.

(whispers) We should go. I think I don't like it here, okay?

Okay. All right.

BARRY: Thank you.


Okay. (chuckling) Okay. You hit it. You can tell.

Oh, yeah. So, um, you know that — the harmonium that — it's ended up in your office?

Harmonium?

The piano.

Did you steal that from the street?

What's this?

You did, didn't you?

Yeah, I did. Why? Is it yours?

No, it's yours.

Um, you learning to play it?

Um — I wouldn't put on any concerts yet. (laughing)

I'm trying. Okay.

So, I'm sorry, I don't mean to pry about the pudding and the harmonium and everything, but, um, I...

Not at all. You must travel quite a lot.

Oh, no, no, no, no, no, I don't travel.

Oh.

Uh, you want to take a left just up here.

Okay, I'm gonna go.

Well, it's good to see you again.

Good to see your face again and go out with you.

I'm gonna be around or back in town in a few days.

But if you come to Hawaii... I don't know.

You don't think you'll go? Okay. We'll see about that. I don't know.

I'll call you when I get back. Okay.

Have a good trip.

And bye-bye.

(door closes)

And bye-bye.

And bye-bye, you fuckin' — And bye-bye, you stupid motherfucker.

(bell dings)

WOMAN: Are you Barry?

Yes. This is for you.

Okay.

Thank you. Welcome.

This is Barry.

It's me. It's Lena.

Mmm. Hi.

I just wanted you to know, wherever you're going or whatever you're doing right now, I want you to know that I wanted to kiss you just then.

Really?

Yeah.

(bell dings)


(alarm blaring)

(doorbell rings)

That was good. (panting)

Yeah.

I'll see you later.

Okay.

I don't freak out very often.

What do you mean?

No matter what my sister says, okay?

I don't know what you mean.

(whispers) I don't freak out. Okay.

Have a good trip.

Thank you.

(door opens)


(tires squeal)


(beeping)

So, I got $500. That's maximum — That's what I can take out in a day. Okay.

This is what you get when you're a pervert.

Said you'd help somebody out and you didn't, so we're just gonna take this money back to her, and that's that.

Okay, but before you guys go, I wanted to bring up one thing.

I said no to Georgia.

She wanted the money, and I had to decline because I don't really have that much.

That money I just gave you is actually a lot of money to me.

"99 cents." So, I don't know if this is fair.

Wait, whoa. Wait. No, no, plea — Ow! Ow! Wait, ouch, ouch!

You wanna fuck with what my brothers are saying?

You wanna fuck with my family? Fuck!

(groaning)

(whimpering)

(engine revving)

(tires screeching)

(gasping)

Help me!

(groans) (truck approaches)

(grunting)

(groans)

(whimpering)

(whimpering continues)

Where the fuck are you going? We know where you live.

Hey, Barry. Good morning. Hey, Lance. Can I talk to you for a second?

Sure. Just come on in here.

Let's shut —

I got in trouble last night. I got in a little bit of trouble.

What happened? I made a phone call.

I better get more pudding.

MAN (on PA): Barry, telephone on line one. Barry, telephone, line one.

This is Barry. - Hey, it's me. It's Rhonda.

I need to talk to you about smashing those windows last — Yeah. You know what? I'm gonna go out of town for two days.

Where you going, Barry? I have to go to Hawaii.

But you can't tell my sisters. Going to Hawaii?

Yeah. Make sure you don't tell my sisters. That's so wonderful, you're going to Hawaii.

Okay. Okay.

And I have to get more pudding for this trip to Hawaii.

As I just said that out loud, I realize it sounded strange, but it's not.

So would you like to come with me? Okay. Right now? Barry?

Yes.

First I saw the teriyaki chicken for $1.79, then the soup, which made a real deal.

But to stumble across the pudding — It's just tremendous how most people don't look.

They don't look at the fine print, Lance.

Oh, my.

Okay.

FEMALE ELECTRONIC VOICE: You are on your way.

You are on your way. Don't stop now.

Don't be discouraged, and don't be sad.

You can go to places in the world with pudding.

That is funny. Yeah.

That's funny.

Yes!

It's going to work.

I'm coming. I'm coming. I'm coming.

Lena, I'm coming.

I'm going to get on line. Oh, Lena. Aloha.

Barry, I'll be on line. Okay.

I'm coming. Okay.

No, no, no, no. What do you mean?

It doesn't state six to eight weeks anyway. MAN (on phone): Sir.

It takes that much time to process the order and make sure it's valid.

I had this planned in my mind, okay? I had to — I could get the pudding over to you today. I'm leaving today.

Sir, I've explained this to you before. It takes this much time to process.

How am I supposed to know this if you don't tell me this, if it's not in your rules and regulations, in the fine print?

That's an impossibility. - It takes that much time to process.

I didn't see a "six" or an "eight" anywhere. This is bullcrap to me.

Sir, I can't explain it to you. It takes that much time to process.

(screams) Fuck! - Hello?

(crying) - Hello?

Hello?

(line beeping)

WOMAN: ♪ And all at once I knew ♪

♪ I knew at once I knew he needed me ♪ All right.

The pudding's gonna take six to eight weeks to process, so that's not gonna work today.

I'll take a bath on that today.

So here's what I'm gonna tell you.

Now, the pudding...

Oh! You okay?

The chair broke. We'll get to the pudding later.

I'm gonna go now. Okay.

I'll call you from there. Yeah.

You're running the place until I get back. No doubt.

Don't tell my sisters anything, okay? Right.

♪ He needs me, he needs me ♪

♪ Dah-da-da-da, da-da, da-da-da-da-dum ♪

♪ Dah-da-da-da, da-da, da-da-da-da-da ♪ Have a great trip. Thank you very much.

♪ It's like a dime a dance I'll take a chance ♪

♪ I will because he needs me ♪

♪ No one ever asked before, before ♪

♪ Because they never needed me ♪ MAN: ♪ But I do ♪ WOMAN: ♪ But he does ♪ I've never been on a plane before.

♪ Maybe it's because he's so alone ♪

(whooshing noise) What was that sound?

I don't know.

♪ Maybe it's because he's never had a home ♪

♪ He needs me, he needs me He needs me, he needs me ♪

♪ He needs me, he needs me ♪

♪ For once, for once in life ♪

♪ I've finally felt that someone needed me ♪

♪ And if it turns out real ♪ Hi. MAN: Hi. Where you wanna go to?

Could you take me to where the beaches and the hotels are?

And I'm gonna need a phone.

♪ He needs me, he needs me He needs me, he needs me ♪

(phone rings) Hello.

BARRY: Hey, it's me. Hey, what are you doing?

Nothing. I'm at work.

I was wondering, do you remember your friend Lena?

- Yeah, what about her? WOMAN: Thank you so much!

Well, I was wondering if you know where she's staying in Hawaii.

'Cause she forgot her pocketbook at my work.

I wanted to get it back to her, make sure she wasn't nervous.

Oh, my God. I know exactly where she's staying, and you're fucking lying.

She didn't forget her purse or pocketbook. What do you want her number for?

Don't do this to me. - What do you want her number for?

All I want is her number. Can you help me? - Why? Tell me why.

There's no reason for you to treat me this way. - Do you like her?

You're killing me with the way you are towards me.

- Why? All I want is her fucking number!

That should be goddamn good enough for you. Give me that fucking number!

You fucking hear me? I'm sick of this fucking shit!

Stop fuckin' treating me this way and give me the fuckin' number!

I'll fuckin' kill you! You want that?

(line ringing) MAN: Aloha, Sheraton Waikiki.

Hi, yes. Lena Leonard's room.

- Okay. One moment. Thank you.

(line ringing)

MAN: Hello.

Hello?

Is Lena there? - You have the wrong room.

(hangs up)

(line ringing)

WOMAN: Aloha, Sheraton Waikiki.

Hi, yes. I just called?

I think I was connected to the wrong room.

I'm looking for a Lena Leonard, and there shouldn't be a man in that room.

One moment, please.

Thank you.

(line ringing)

LENA: Hello?

Lena! - Yeah?

Hi, this is Barry Egan.

Oh, wow, yeah? That's great!

You came, you came! What are you doing?

I didn't hear you! - I just want to know what you're doing.

- Where are you? I'm just calling you.

I'm standing in my hotel room. - Yeah?

Yeah, I'm just down here on my business trip.

Well, let's do something. You want to do something?

Yeah! You don't have a boyfriend or anything, do you?

- No. What do you mean? I just wanted to know.

When's the last time you had a boyfriend?

About six months ago. Why?

I just wanted to make sure.

When's the last time you had a girlfriend?

Were you ever married? - Yeah.

Okay. How long were you married for?

Do you want to meet me and talk about this stuff?

Okay.

Where are you from originally?

♪ Because he needs me, he needs me ♪

♪ He needs me, he needs me He needs me, he needs me ♪

♪ He needs me, he needs me ♪

♪ He needs me, he needs me He needs me, he needs me ♪

♪ Dah-da-da-da, da-da, da-da-da-da-dum ♪

♪ Dah-da-da-da, da-da, da-da-da-da-da ♪

(Barry grunts)


BARRY: I'm here.

WOMAN: ♪ Your tropic nights and your wonderful charms ♪

♪ Are ever in my memory ♪

♪ And I recall as I held you in my arms ♪

♪ An angel sweet and heavenly ♪

♪ Waikiki ♪

♪ My whole life is empty without you ♪

♪ I'll miss that magic about you ♪ You got me out of my hotel room.

You came and got me out of my room.

It's so nice.

♪ Are ever in my memory ♪ It really looks like Hawaii here.

♪ An angel sweet and heavenly ♪

♪ Waikiki ♪

♪ My whole life is empty without you ♪

♪ I'll miss that magic about you ♪

♪ Magic beside the sea ♪

♪ Magic of Waikiki ♪

WOMAN: Mahalo, everyone. Thank you. (applause)


I'm sorry. I forgot to shave.

Your face is so adorable.

Your skin and your cheek.

I want to bite it.

I want to bite your cheek and chew on it, it's so fucking cute.

I'm looking at your face, and I just want to smash it.

I just want to fuckin' smash it with a sledgehammer and squeeze it, you're so pretty.

I want to chew your face and I want to scoop out your eyes and I want to eat them.

Chew them and suck on them.

Okay. Yeah.

This is funny. Yeah.

This is nice.

At that restaurant, I beat up the bathroom.

I'm sorry.

ELIZABETH: Hi. Hi.

Apparently, they need to see the new 4-84s to make sure it works with their OC.

Okay, and what should I do about Eric?

Just tell him to call me.

Okay. - Okay, so did my brother call you?

No. - I have no idea what he's doing then.

- I'm really sorry that didn't work out. No, it's fine.

I mean, you wouldn't want to go out with him anyway.

- Honestly, he's such a freak sometimes. Yeah, he did seem a little strange.

Well, he's not that strange.

Don't say that.

You're right. I'm sorry.

I think he's weird, but that's me.

Okay. So should I call you later?

That's okay. I'll just see you when you get back here.

Okay. - Okay, bye.

So where do you have to go?

For what?

For work.

I don't have any business here. I came here for you.

(phone line ringing)

GEORGIA: Oh. Hello there, guy.

Hi, look. This is Bar — You have almost reached me, but not quite.

I'm in the other room, shaving my roommate's pussy right now, so I'm a bit distracted.

But if you leave me your name and home phone number, area code first, please, I'll be sure to call you back as soon as I'm done.

God, she's so sexy. Bye, honey.

(beeps) Yes, this is Barry Egan.

I am calling in regards to what took place the other night.

I just wanted to tell everybody I know it was not fair what you did to me and I am expecting my money back.

I realize you have my home phone number. I'm away on vacation right now.

If you guys want to reach me, shortly I will be home and we can discuss how you can return my money.

Otherwise, I'm pretty sure that the police can be contacted and I could do that, and I feel like i-it's warranted.

So, um, let's — let's figure something out.

Uh, like I said, I'll be home shortly. Give me a call.

Okay, thank you.

(woman on PA, faint)

How many airplanes have you been on?

I think maybe over a hundred.

That's right. You travel a lot.

Yeah.

How much do you travel? Do you travel all the time?

I forgot about that.

Can I come home with you when we get there?

Of course.

Is it okay to ask that?

I thought that you were anyways.

(metal screeching)

(panting) (panting)

Come here.


Are you okay?

Yes, I'm fine. Are you okay? Yes. I'm sorry.

What is this? It's okay.

It's okay.

Follow the penlight with your eyes, okay?

People are just crazy in this world, I think.

NURSE: And you remember everything from the accident?

LENA: I think so.


Thank you. Bye-bye.

WOMAN: Ooh, yeah.

Yes, what's your name, baby?

Really. Are you strokin' it already?

(phone rings)

Hi. This is Janice, the operator. Who's this?

Okay. This is Barry Egan.

You talked to me. Do you remember? You called me up.

No, sweetheart, I don't remember you. Cut the crap, lady!

You said your name was Georgia.

You said our conversation was confidential, and I trusted you!

And then you called me, and you asked me for money!

(shouting) Am I right? Am I right?

- Sir — Get your supervisor on the phone!

Or whoever owns that place. I want him on the phone! Do you hear me?

Okay. Can you hang on a second, please? - No more bullcrap!

I'm not kidding around with you!

(phone ringing)

Yeah, this is Dean. LATISHA: Hey, it's me.

This guy from LA, Barry Egan, he's calling on the other line.

He's saying all this stuff. He wants to talk to a supervisor.

What'd you say? - Nothing.

Put him through. - No, this is bad. Something must've happened.

Will you shut up?

LATISHA: Okay, sexy. I'm gonna connect you with my supervisor now.

You're in trouble, honey.

DEAN: Yeah, who's this? Hello, sir. My name's Barry Egan.

I called your service the other night. - Why don't you shut the fuck up?

What's that? I said calm down and shut the fuck up.

What's the problem?

The problem is, if you give me a chance to explain, one of your employees, that girl who I was just speaking with, has been threatening me.

And four blond gentlemen just attacked me and smashed my car and hurt my girl.

Go fuck yourself.

That shit has nothing to do with me. I run a legitimate business here.

Listen to me.

(shouts) What's your name, sir?

Answer me! - What's your name, asshole?

I'm Barry Egan. - How do I know? You could be anybody.

You're a bad person. You have no right taking people's confidence in your service.

You understand me, sir? You're sick. No, no. Shut up!

Shut the fuck up! - You have no right to take people's trust.

Shut up! Will you shut up! Shut up!

Shut, shut, shut, shut, shut up!

Shut up!

Now, are you threatening me, dick?

Why don't you — You go fuck yourself!

I —

(grunts)

Y — Fuck! Did you just say, go fuck myself?

Yes, I did.

That wasn't good! You're dead!

(slamming receiver)

Um, is there — Is that — the guy in the blue suit — Is he just around the corner? Can you — Yes, there's a police officer here. He'll want to ask you some questions.

No, the guy who came in with me, is he there?

The guy who came in with you? I'm not sure.

We can ask the receptionist to go get him for you.

He's probably in the waiting room. Thanks.

(panting)

Excuse me. Yes.

There was a woman in there, a blonde woman. Did they move her room?

What's her name, sir? Lena Leonard.

Are you a relative? Yes.

Just a minute. Let me check for you. Okay.

She was discharged this evening. She was discharged. Okay.

Okay.

(line rings) WOMAN: Welcome to directory assistance.

City and state, please.

Somewhere in Utah.

- Thank you. (line ringing)

WOMAN #2: What listing?

Can I have the listing for D & D Mattress Man?

♪♪ (instrumental country, faint)

Ow.

(bell jingling)

MAN (on radio): ♪ My name should be woe ♪ Ow.

♪ For trouble and heartache ♪

♪ Is all that I know, yeah ♪

♪ Lonely, lonely blue boy ♪

♪ Is my name ♪

♪ My life has been empty ♪

♪ My heart has been torn ♪

♪ It must have been raining ♪

♪ The night I was born, yeah ♪

♪ Lonely, lonely blue boy ♪ Fuck you. No.

You're a pervert.

Think you can be a pervert and not pay for it?

(whispers) Don't you say that to me.

You called a phone sex — Shut up.

I didn't do anything.

I'm a nice man.

I mind my own business.

So you tell me that's that before I beat the hell from you.

I have so much strength in me, you have no idea.

I have a love in my life.

It makes me stronger than anything you can imagine.

I would say that's that, Mattress Man.

You came all the way from LA to tell me this?

Yes, I did.

Tell the cops?

No.

All right.

That's that.

MAN: I think if you like it, you should get it.

Now get the fuck out of here, pervert! Didn't I warn you?

Th — That's that.

Barry, you okay? What's going on, Barry? Yeah. I'm fine, I'm fine.

Where you been? I was in Utah, but now I'm here.

And I'll be right back. (groaning)

Barry?

Where you going?

(bell dings)

(doorbell rings)

(panting, grunts)

Hi, Lena.

I'm so sorry. (panting continues)

I'm so sorry I left you at the hospital.

I called a phone sex line — I called a phone sex line before I met you, and four blond brothers came after me, and they hurt you, and I'm sorry.

And then I had to leave again because I wanted to make sure you never got hurt again.

And — And I have a lot of pudding, and in six to eight weeks, it can be redeemed.

So, if you could just give me that much time, I think I can get enough mileage to go with you wherever you have to go, if you have to travel for your work.

Because I don't ever want to be anywhere without you.

So, could you just let me redeem the mileage?

You left me at the hospital.

I'm sorry.

You can't do that. Okay.

If you just give me six to eight weeks, I can redeem the mileage and I can go with you wherever you have to travel.

(panting continues)


♪♪ (harmonium)

So here we go.

FEMALE ELECTRONIC VOICE: ...make in nine payments.

Please — Please don't turn me down.

You have love-love-loved me.


♪♪ (woman singing, faint)


♪ Dah-da-da-da, da-da, da-da-da-da-dum ♪

♪ Dah-da-da-da, da-da, da-da-da-da-da ♪


(waves lapping)

WOMAN: ♪ Your tropic nights and your wonderful charms ♪

♪ Are ever in my memory ♪

♪ And I recall as I held you in my arms ♪

♪ An angel sweet and heavenly ♪

♪ Waikiki ♪

♪ My whole life is empty without you ♪

♪ I'll miss that magic about you ♪

♪ Magic beside the sea ♪

♪ Your tropic nights and your wonderful charms ♪

♪ Are ever in my memory ♪

♪ And I recall as I hold you in my arms ♪

♪ An angel sweet and heavenly ♪

♪ Waikiki ♪

♪ My whole life is empty without you ♪

♪ I'll miss that magic about you ♪

♪ Magic beside the sea ♪

♪ Magic of Waikiki ♪

WOMAN: Mahalo, everyone. Thank you. (applause)

FEMALE ELECTRONIC VOICE: Thank you, too, for finding me, and thank you for my life with you.

My darling. My dear.

Let's go for a ride now.

My dear, you thrill me with everything you do to remind me I love you.

(traffic sounds)