Puss in Boots (2011) Script

[guitar strumming] [rhythmic tapping]

[orchestra plays flamenco music]

[whip cracks]

[male] Through the years, I have been known by many names.

Diablo Gato.

The Furry Lover.

Chupacabra.

Friskie Two-Times.

And the Ginger Hit Man. [chuckles]

But to most... I am Puss In Boots!

Outlaw.

[fan squeaking]

[snoring]

[chain clanks]

[purring snore]

I will never forget you... Margherita.

[meows]

I mean, Rosa. [chuckles]

Uh, sorry. I think maybe I should go.

[man snoring]

Hmm.

[snoring continues]

[floorboard creaks]

[shouts]

[shouts, grunts]

[both grunting]

[snickers]

[yowls]

[man] Oh! Ow! Ooh!

You cannot run forever, Puss In Boots!

[panting]

[sighs wistfully]

[blows kisses]

[Puss] What can I say? I was a bad kitty.

Just a fugitive from the law... forever running.

Searching for a way to clear my name.

And I would get that chance...

[sword whipping] ...on this one fateful night.

[fireworks whistle, explode] [celebratory howling]

[festive Latin music playing]

[cheering]

[chicken clucking]

[cheering]

[men chattering]

[derisive laughter]

Here, kitty, kitty! [laughs]

Raoul. Look what the cat dragged in.

Oh, wait... That is the cat!

[laughter] [Puss growls]

[grunts]

One leche, please.

What are you doing here, señor? Did you lose your ball of yarn?

[laughter]

[chuckles] So funny.

One leche coming up.

[grunts]

[cackling]

[Puss] I am not looking for trouble.

I am but a humble gato in search of his next meal.

Perhaps you gentlemen can help me find a simple score?

The only thing you'll find tonight is trouble... Puss In Boots.

[footsteps approach]

Well, perhaps if one of us were to tell the law that you are in town, we could split the reward.

[men shriek]

[tsk-tsking]

You made the cat angry.

You do not want to make the cat angry!

[clears throat] The Church of St. Michael has just put up a golden statue of the Virgin of Guadalupe.

I do not steal from churches.

The boys' orphanage has been donated silver candlesticks, they would look very lovely in your home.

I do not steal from orphans. Uh, what about Jack and Jill?

Shh! Are you crazy? The what?

The murderous outlaws Jack and Jill have gotten their hands on... magic beans.

Do not joke with me about magic beans!

I searched half my life for them. They do not exist.

No, cat. We have seen them.

These... are the beans of legend.

Huh? Whoa.

Grows a vine to the Land of Giants, and the Golden Goose.

The Golden Goose...

A heist like this could set you up for life.

All nine of them.

Show him the golden eggs.

No!

Please, you have shown enough.

Only a cat with a death wish would steal the beans from Jack and Jill.

The only wish I have is to repay an old debt.

And this is my chance.

Now...

...where do I find this Jack and Jill?

[squealing]

[swallows]

[plays slow ballad]

[low rumbling] Huh? [gasps]

[gasps] [stops playing]

[gasping] [dog yelps]

I'm sorry... we have no rooms.

[man groans] [thuds]

Well, I think one just opened up.

[man whimpers]

We'd like a complimentary continental breakfast.

And don't even think about skimpin' on them baby muffins.

[door locks]

[whimpering] We don't have any baby muffins.

[sobbing] [ballad resumes]

[Jack] You know, Jill...

...I been thinking.

[Jill sighing] Get it out.

I, um... Once we're done with this magic bean business and got ourselves all them beautiful golden eggs...

Mm-hm, go on.

...that we cut down on some of the hijacking and murdering.

I mean, it's fun and all, but, uh...

...I want a baby.

[barking]

[fireworks crackle] [distant cheering]

[Jill] A baby what, Jack?

[Jack] A baby us, Jill.

We'll raise it wild, like a squirrel or something.

Holy frijoles!

They do exist.

[Jill groans] Ever since you fell down that hill and broke your crown, you have been talking crazy.

[glass squeaking]

[Jack] It couldn't hurt to have an extra shooter during ambushes.

[Jill] Maybe I cut too deep... cut that brain out of your head.

Hey! What gives? [hisses]

[Jack] If it's to be a girl, she'll have your strong...

No! No! No!

You, you, you! You stop where you are!

[Jill] I don't know, Jack.

How do I ride and shoot with a baby slung on my back?

[Jack] They got them backpacks now. The way I see it, Jill...

Those beans are mine!

[Jack] ...we fall off this flat earth one time.

What better proof of our love...

Me? [Jack continuing indistinctly]

You snap me?

[makes snapping sound]

You snap me?!

[growling]

[growling, hissing]

[gun blast] [yowls]

You looking for something?

[cackling]

Uh, no. [chuckles nervously]

No hablo inglés.

[explosion] Whoa, whoa!

You are going to pay for this!

[people screaming] [Jack chuckles]

[grunts, growls]

[people shouting]

[blows raspberry] Huh?!

Oh!

[gasps]

No!

[sighs] Oh!

[gasps] Chupacabra!

[Puss yowls] Chupacabra! Chupacabra!

Chupacabra! You are a crazy woman!

[grunting]

Ha! [people gasp]

[purrs] [giggles]

Ha-ha!

Ow!

[growls]

[cats yowling] [glass shatters]

[howls]

[romantic Latin music playing]

[mewing] [music stops]

[purring]

[cat clears throat]

Those magic beans were my score!

You just cost me a chance at getting the golden eggs, mi amigo.

Put up your dukes.

[rhythmic rattling]

[cats meowing]

[percussive beat begins]

[low growling]

[beat continuing]

[rhythmic clanking]

[cats chattering]

[beat stops]

[beat resumes]

Ha!

Yah! [cats cheering]

Psst!

Very well.

If it is to be a dance fight, then I will Tuesday-Night-Dance-Fight you to the death!

[plays dramatic riff]

[flamenco music plays]

Ha!

Ha! [cats cheering]

[yowls] [gasps]

How dare you do the Litter Box at me!

[Puss] Hello!

[snickers]

Toot-toot!

Ha!

Ha-ha! Hmmph!

♪ Hey-aa ♪

Can you feel me?

[yowls]

[grunts] [music quickens]

Ha-ha!

[all gasp]

Yah!

[snarls] [grunts]

[grunting]

[cats cheer]


[thunder crashes]

[growling]

[yowling in slow motion]

Fear me... if you dare.

[gasps]

Ha!

[chuckles]

[guitar twangs] [groans]

[crowd gasps]

You hit me in the head with a guitar?!

[stammering] You are a woman?

Ohhh!

Whoa.

[scoffs] Amateur.

Wow! [cats meowing]

Señorita, wait!

Let me buy you some leche! I am a lover, not a... fighter.

Hello?

You are hiding from me?

I like to play the games, too.

I sense in you a kindred spirit, a...

[sniffs] Hmm.

I smell something familiar.

[sniffs deeply]

Something... dangerous.

Something...

...breakfasty.

[male] It's been a long time, brother.

Maldito huevo.

Ha!

Humpty Alexander Dumpty.

How dare you show your face to me.

[sighs] I know you're angry. You have every right.

But it is good to see you, Puss.

[Puss growls] Are those new boots?

No! They are the same boots I wore when you betrayed me.

[stammers] Betrayed you?

You left me cracked in pieces on a bridge, surrounded by soldiers!

They wrote a song about it!

And how did we get on that bridge in the first place?!

Because we were brothers, and brothers are supposed to look after each other...

Humpty!

Remember why we're here.

I should have known.

I had the magic beans in my grasp, and you sent this very attractive devil woman to interfere.

You are a curse on my life!

Whoa, whoa, wait. Hear me out. OK?

Yes, yes, I sent Kitty to bring you here.

But she is no ordinary thief.

She's Kitty Softpaws.

The softest touch in Spain.

That's a lot of heel for a guy, don't you think?

[sighs]

Look, with Kitty's skill, your sword and my brain, we've got a fighting chance here.

Puss, come on, you of all people know that nobody's ever ripped off the giant's castle and lived to tell the tale.

You want to survive? You need a plan.

And I've studied this job my whole life. You know that.

Let's be honest.

Without me, you don't even know where to plant the beans, Puss.

But Jack and Jill do. They're on their way.

We go up the beanstalk outlaws, and we come down legends.

So what do you say?

Partners?

No. Never again.

I'm sorry, OK? How long are you gonna hold a grudge?

It's been seven years! That's like 35 cat years.

You need me! And I need you.

Puss! You got any idea what they do to eggs in San Ricardo prison?

[ballad stops]

I'll tell you this, my friend.

It ain't over easy.

Ohhh!

Adiós... Humpty Dumpty.

[ballad resumes]

Oh, this is bad. This is bad.

Don't worry, I'll take care of it.

I know how to speak meow.

...sad story with your twisted lies in your greasy shell that smells like old ham!

I should crack you open for... [gasps]

[growls playfully]

[grunting]

[Kitty chuckling] Look what I found.

[sing-songy] Someone forgot his money.

[coins rattle]

Oh, you are dangerous.

[chuckles] Humpty says you like danger.

Just think of all the trouble we can get into.

The two of us together.

We can steal a lot of golden eggs.

Hmm?

[groans]

And... you owe me.

I owe you? Mm-hm.

You hit me in the head with a guitar.

I regret the guitar.

OK, I forgive you.

So... you're in?

[chuckling]

There is one teeny, tiny, itty-bitty problem.

And what is that?

You work for the egg!

Oh, come on, Puss.

What happened between you and Humpty that was so bad?

I am afraid with me and Humpty...

[sighs] ...the scars are too deep.

[sighs]

It all started a long time ago.

Oh, no. You really don't have to tell me your whole life story, please. You may want to sit.

It is at times quite... painful.

OK, here we go.

It was a year in which the rain had not fallen.

The wind was big and the basket was small.

For days, I bounced along...

...a hungry little kitten with no milk, no mama, and no litter box.

Until I came to rest at a home for lost children.

[mews]

Ohh. [chuckles]

[clicks tongue]

[Puss] Her name was Imelda. And, like a mother, she took me into her heart and raised me as her own.

[kids shouting]

[Imelda] Silencio.

Silencio.

[Puss] She was an angel of kindness.

¡Silencio!

[shouting stops] [Puss] Most of the time.

I'd like to introduce a new boy joining us.

It's OK, pequeño. You show with the face.

Go on.

[mews]

[Puss] And that was the moment I met...

Humpty Alexander Dumpty.

[boy] Hey, Whiskers!

You're sitting in Little Boy Blue's chair.

[squeaks] Oh, come on. Is this necessary?

Why don't you pick on somebody your own size?

Who asked you, Breakfast?

Remember what Imelda says, Boy Blue:

If you're going to blow your top, you blow your horn instead, right?

Let's spin him. [shrieks]

Please don't spin me. Do not spin me!

Not again! No! I'm gonna yolk!

[Puss] Even though he took my beans, the egg stood up for me, and I decided then... [grunts]

...that I would always have his back.

[grunts]

[hisses]

Wow!

That was very impressive. Thanks!

[horn blowing] [girl] Hey, egg boy!

[girl clucks]

[Puss] There was something about this strange little egg that intrigued me.

[shrieks] Oh... it's you.

I've been collecting for months now.

You never know when you're gonna get lucky. You know what I mean?

[whispering] Magic beans... is what they are.

Hello? You gonna tell all the other kids that I believe in magic now? Is that what you're gonna do?

No? What's your name?

[mews] You don't say much, do you?

I think I'll call you Sparky.

Whiskers?

Zoltar!

How about Puss?

[Puss] Humpty's mind was full of imagination and invention.

[Humpty] What is that, 50 feet down there?

Here we go. Give me a... [yelling] Puss!

[gasps] Look at me, Puss! I'm flying!

[laughs, grunts]

[Puss] He spoke of legends and adventures beyond my wildest dreams.

Oh, when I find those magic beans, they'll grow a vine straight up into the clouds, where a terrible and a fearsome giant hoards his greatest treasure...

...the Golden Goose.

Oh, the Golden Goose. Just one.

Just one of her golden eggs... could set me for life.

It's my destiny, Puss.

I can't really explain it, but I just feel like I belong up there.

[sighs]

Oh, boy. This is awkward.

This is kind of a solo dream here.

I don't need any dead weight, you know, holding me down.

[purring]

What are you doing? Oh, man, that's good.

The eye thing that you're doing, that is really splendid.

OK, let me just think for a second. All right... OK.

Uh... This is crazy, but...

...I am considering a partnership.

I just need to know one thing.

Can you commit?

Sí... I can commit.

Oh, you can talk! Could you help me up?

[grunting]

OK...

[Humpty] First rule of Bean Club...

...you do not talk about Bean Club.

Second rule of Bean Club...

...is you don't talk about Bean Club. You ready?

Ready.

From this day forth, it shall be known...

Never alone, always together...

Humpty and Puss...

[both] Brothers forever.

[Puss] And from that moment on, we were united on a great adventure to find the magic beans.

Help me up.

Egg me.

[Puss] Humpty was the brains...

[screams] Good gracious! I never saw him!

[Humpty] That really hurt! [Puss] ...and I was the skill.

[Humpty] I'm cracked!

We got red beans, green beans, coffee beans, lima beans... but no magic beans.

Would you care for a jelly bean? Oh, thank you.

[Puss] Finding them meant everything to us.

[Humpty] Oh, I almost forgot the most important thing.

That's me and you, Puss.

Me and you.

[Puss] But we never did find them.

And, as years passed, the quest for magic beans seemed more and more like the dreams of a child.

Aw!

[Puss] As teenagers, Humpty and I looked for trouble...

...and often found it.

Third time this month, Imelda. Next time is jail time.

They're just kids. [chuckles]

They are thieves.

[Imelda clears throat]

You are better than this.

I believe in you with all my heart.

Please do not let me down.

I hate this place.

I cannot wait for us to get out of here.

Throw a rock. It'll make you feel better.

[bellows] [crowd gasps]

Oh, boy. We should go.

[Puss] On instinct, I reacted.

Ha!

[grunts]

[bull snorts] Aah!

[bellows in slow motion]

He saved the Comandante's mother!

[moos]

You saved my mother.

Señor Puss... he is a hero!

[cheering]

Today we see that courage and bravery come in all sizes!

[Puss] Little did I know that one moment would change my whole life.

These are for you, my boy.

Wear them as a symbol of honor... and justice.

I will make you proud, Mama.

You already have, my Puss In Boots.

[Puss] How strange it was to give a cat boots...

...but, whoa... I looked good!

And as the light of my path grew brighter...

...Humpty's road grew ever darker.

[footsteps approach]

Gracias, Comandante.

Be careful of the company you keep.

[spits]

I know! I know, I never should've tried something without you.

You're not stealing lollipops anymore, Humpty.

This is getting serious.

You're right! We have to be smarter about this.

Here, look. We need to think bigger.

I've been casing the silversmith and it's perfect.

You and me, in and out, 50 seconds tops.

Will you put that away! This is our home.

These people have done nothing to us.

Our home? OK, yeah, I get it now.

You get some fancy boots and now you're too good for me?

That is not true.

We weren't born here. We're orphans!

All we got is each other, you understand?

We are better than this.

But we're partners.

We are brothers.

But I am not stealing anymore.

[Puss] But Humpty would not give up so easily.

[yowls] [Humpty] I'm in trouble, Puss!

It's Boy Blue and his gang. I owe them some money.

They're coming for me. Just get me over this wall.

I gotta go. Help me up the wall. Get me up the wall. Hurry! Hurry!

[distant whistle blowing]

OK, I've got everything. We did it. Come on, let's go!

How could you do this to me?!

I did you a favor! We can finally get out of here!

This is the money of the people! This is all they have!

[Puss yowls] [groans]

[gasps] You disgrace those boots!

Comandante, please, I can explain!

Arrest them!

Hiyah! [whinnies]

[Humpty] Hurry up! Get to the bridge!

You tricked me! I had to! You left me no choice!

[horse whinnies]

[men shouting]

[gasps] Mama...

Pequeño.

Oh! Watch out!

Oh! Oof!

Oh, no. [Humpty] Puss. I can't get up.

Puss! Help me. I can't get up!

Freeze!

Puss, save me!

Save yourself.

[guard] We got you.

[Puss] I lost everything I cared about that day.

My brother.

My honor.

My home.

All I thought about was the disappointment in my mama's eyes.

And I have been running ever since.

The egg betrayed me.

His lies cost me everything. [snoring]

Hey! [snorts] I'm awake!

[Humpty] You think I don't want to fix the past?

I can't get down.

[sighs]

[grunts]

Listen. A day... A day doesn't go by when I don't think about what I lost.

I lost my best friend.

My only friend. And I get it now.

I got greedy and desperate and I let you down.

I let myself down.

All I'm asking for, Puss, is a second chance.

Give me that second chance and I'll help you pay back San Ricardo.

[sighs] Please, Puss.

Let me show you what our friendship meant to me.

[sighs]

I will do it. Oh, that's great.

I will do this for my mother and for San Ricardo... not for you.

We are not partners and we are not friends.

OK. I promise this time, I will not let you down.

Yes! [laughs]

I think we got our Bean Club back.

[grunts]

[squealing]

Humpty's plan better work.

Listen, you just need to worry about your part.

Don't screw it up.

What? Again with the mask?

I don't need style advice from Mr. Dusty Boots.

Huh?!

Come on, Puss. Now!

[both grunting]

Our biological clocks are tickin', darlin'.

You gotta look at the big picture.

What's your problem? Huh?

Listen. I put a lot of work into my body. I look good, and I am not just gonna throw that away. [gasps]

[whispers] Hey, hey, hey. What?

[Jill] We're gonna start small. Look.

[Jill] Let's just pretend you have a baby.

Excellent. [chuckles]

[Jill] I don't have time to be at home with no diapers and baby socks.

You don't have to, Jill. I'll be the stay-at-home dad.

We got ten hungry piggies, there in the back.

You can practice on them. Just pull over, feed them.

[Jack] Little Hamhock's my favorite. You've got to hurry up.

Shh! [Jack] He's a cute little bugger.

Why are you not using your claws?

Would you please just shut up! I'm on it!

Just use your claws! Be quiet.

Your claws! I don't have any claws, all right?!

[snorting] [Jill] Was that Hamhock?

[Kitty gasps] [snorting]

Shh. Shh. Shh.

There, there. Sleepy, sleepy, big, fat piggy.

[squeals happily]

[Jill] Remember when we had to pretend we had that monkey one time...?

You babysit. [groans]

Soft paws. [Jack] When did we have a monkey?

[Jill continues indistinctly] [sighs]

Well? [Jill] ...what happened last time...

You sat on it, Jack. Hello, beans of legend.

Let's go. [squealing loudly]

[groans]

[metallic clicking]

Well, well, well. Look what we have here, Jill.

You messed with our baby.

[growling]

And you took my beans. [cackles]

Sausage bomb! [squealing]

[yowling] [Jack] Whoa!

[Jill] You're gonna pay for this! Soul-sucking cats!

[muffled shouting]

Signal the egg!

Yes! [whip cracks]

OK. Ready.

Set. Go!

Ow!

[Jill cackling]

[groans]

[squealing]

[grunts]

[Jill snarling] Oh, my God!

[snarling] [gasps]

Whoa!

[groans]

[grunting]

[sighs] Ah!

[Jill chuckles]

All right, cat. Give me them beans.

[yells, whimpers]

Is it true a cat always lands on its feet?

No! That is just a rumor spread by dogs!

Well, let's find out.

Hiyah!

[Jill shrieks] Hiyah!

See? I told you I wouldn't let you down!

[gun blast] You think this is over? Ha!

[gasps]

[whinnies] Hey, that was close!

[cackles]

Hiyah!

Now!

[Humpty screams]

We just got to make it to that bridge! Hang on!

Humpty! There is no bridge! Trust me.

[squealing]

[yelling] [squealing]

[both] Humpty!

[screaming]

[both gasp]

We're going to die! [whinnies]

[shouts echoing]

I hate cats. This is war!

[cheering, laughter echoing]

[laughter]

Giant's castle...

...here we come.

[Puss sighs] I must hand it to the egg.

This was a team effort. Humpty still has his claws...

I mean, flaws. That was what I meant, not claws.

He's not a cat. [chuckles nervously]

Not to say there's anything wrong... I don't want to talk about it.

Got it.

[muttering] OK, we should be close!

Keep your eyes out for any strange cloud activity!

I am called Kitty Softpaws because I'll steal you blind and you'll never even know I was there.

[gasps]

[groans]

Kitty?

You are not as good as they say.

You're better.

I will respect your privacy.

[Kitty sighs] OK. I'll tell you.

I was just a stray...

...but I had beautiful claws.

One day, a really nice couple took me in.

Gave me milk every morning.

Loved me.

Maybe I scratched their curtains or played too rough with the hamster.

I don't know why they did it.

But they took my claws.

Cat people are crazy. [chuckles]

Stop the coach! I think this is it!

[shrieks] Ooh! Whoo!

[muttering]

[panting]

Can you believe this, Puss?

After all these years!

Here. I want you to plant them.

That... is a strange cloud.

[gasps]

[Humpty] Whoa! OK! This is it! It's happening, hurry!

This way!

Good, good. Come on, come on, come on.

Twenty-three divided by cloud depth.

Hole! Right here.

Now place the beans.

[gasps] Place the beans carefully, please.

Not on top of each other. The magic is very delicate.

OK, good. Very good. Now just stand back.

[wind howling]

[gasps]

[Puss grunting]

[grunts]

[booming]

[whooshing]

Whoa! [shrieks]

What's happening here?

Maybe the magic rubbed off in your pocket?

That's impossible. OK, OK. Let's not panic.

You know, I read somewhere that plants have feelings.

So, come on... say something nice to it.

OK.

Let me just think for a second.

Hi, little plant.

[yelps]

[stalk creaking]

Whoa!

[screaming]

[grunts, gasps]

[shouts, grunts]

Yow!

Oh!

[grunts, chuckles]

[grunts]

[thunder booms] [groans]


[gasps]

[in high-pitched voice] Uh, guys? Whoa!

[both in high-pitched voices] Humpty!

I do not see him. Do you see him? I don't see him anywhere.

You sound weird.

Ah! It's the thin air!

Come on in! It feels great!

[cheering]

The cloud, it tickles my nose. [Humpty] Hoo-hoo!

That's because they effervesce! Who knew? Ho-ho!

[chuckles]

Come on.

[playful shouting]

[growls playfully]

[gasps]

Gotcha!

[yowls playfully]

[laughing]

Meow. [chuckles]

Hey, Puss. What do you think? Do I shave?

[chuckles]

Let me show you something.

Somewhere down there, there are two little kids, I don't know, maybe orphans, and they're laying on a hill, staring at the clouds, dreaming about the future.

That was me and you, Puss.

Me and you.

[Kitty] Boys!

You might want to take a look at this.

[Humpty] The giant's castle.

[gasps, chuckles]

OK, time to suit up.

Humpty!

[Humpty] I'll fit right in with the golden eggs.

[groans]

Brilliant or what, huh?

Humpty, you're not wearing underwear!

What? Are you embarrassed?

I'm not.

[chuckles] Puss, remember when everyone was laughing at Bean Club?

[Puss] And who is laughing now? Ha-ha! We are!

Wow!

[cloud thunks]

[Humpty in normal voice] That is our target.

[in normal voice] Hey, you don't sound like an elf anymore.

It's because the air pressure in here is normal.

Let's go.

So here is the plan: You two get the golden eggs, I will fight the giant.

There's no giant to fight. The giant's been dead for years.

What?! You didn't do the reading, did you?

Jack and the Beanstalk, chapter 14, "Giant Takes a Big Dirt Nap."

Ahh! Ankle burn. [monstrous roar]

[yelps] [Puss grunts]

Wha... What was that? They call it the Great Terror.

It's the monster that guards the Golden Goose.

Legend has it that if you look at it, you'll turn to stone.

But nobody really knows because nobody's walked away from it alive.

[whispers] Follow me and keep quiet.

[Humpty's suit squeaking]

[panting] [suit squeaking]

Shh! Humpty!

I can't help it. Everything's rubbing and pinching!

I need powder!

[gasps]

[distant shattering] [monstrous roar]

[Humpty shrieks]

[thudding footsteps]

How are we gonna get across?

[clinking] Champagne.

Cheers!

[screaming]

[roaring]

Do not worry. I will protect you.

[rumbling] [gasps]

What are you gonna do?

Hit it in the head with a guitar?

Please. Stop bringing up the guitar.

[groans]

[shrieking]

[whimpering]

Catch me! [yells]

[roars] Hurry!

Hide!

[Humpty] Don't look at it!

[bellowing breaths] [Humpty gasping, muttering]

Shh! Humpty! Be quiet! I'm hyperventilating!

[muffled] I said I couldn't breathe and then you zipped the thing over my mouth!

Shh! Hey. You gotta get it together. Come on!

OK.

[Humpty grunts]

[sighs]

[gasps]

[Humpty] Look at this. It's egg paradise.

It's so beautiful, I feel like I belong here.

[laughs maniacally]

Whoo!

[groans]

Golden eggs. Oh!

Grab as many as you can.

[grunting] I thought they were going to be like chicken size.

Can you imagine laying one of these? Ouch!

Puss! Ow! [grunting]

How are we supposed to get these out of here?

I don't know. Shh!

[quacking] [gasps]

Oh, my!

[peeps] [Puss] The Golden Goose.

Just look at her. Isn't she beautiful?

[squawks]

[quacks softly]

[peeps, coos] [Humpty sighs]

[cooing] Oh!

Oh... My sweet darling.

[Humpty giggles] I think she likes you.

[monstrous roar] [gasping]

[whispering] Let's just take her.

Wait a minute. This is the goose of legend.

We don't know what happens if we take her.

[roaring]

I know what happens if we don't take her, we got nothing.

Guys, guys. It's a gold pooper. We're taking it!

[squawking] [panting]

[thudding steps]

Almost there!

[gasping]

[Humpty] Hang on!

[screaming]

Hang on!

Ow! [Humpty shrieking]

Whoa! [chirps]

[groaning]

[monstrous roar]

[Humpty] It's coming!

Run!

[shrieking]

[gasps]

[grunts, groans]

Kitty!

What are you doing?

[yells]

[squawking] [shouting]

[gasping, panting]

[gasps]

[Puss] Hang on! [Kitty] Whoa!

Come here, you.

Got you!

She's mine now!

[monstrous roar]

[grunting]

Hello!

[shouts]

Oh, no! Fly, little gosling, fly!

[Humpty screaming]

No! It's not supposed to be this way!

Puss? No.

[Humpty sighs]

[laughs] [grunts]

[Humpty screaming]

Uh... I'm sorry. [chuckles]

Hmm.

[laughing]

Thanks, Ginger.

[peeps softly]

Um, we should maybe cut that down.

[distant squealing]

[Jill] Look at that.

You finally got that family you wanted, Jack.

[grunts] Did you hear that?

I think he just called me Daddy.

Oh! He looks just like you, Jack. Thank you.

[grunts] [squealing]

[Jill] Well, what is it? [boar squeals]

[rumbling]

Huh?

[boars squeal]

I do believe that's our cue. [boar squeals]

[Jack] Hah!

[Puss and Humpty] To paying back San Ricardo!

To being rich!

¡Olé!

[flamenco music playing]

[rhythmic clanking] [laughing]

Ha! Ha!

[chuckles] You.

Me?

Yeah, yeah, baby! [grunts]

[Humpty] One, two, cha-cha-cha!

Three, four, cha-cha-cha! One, two...

[peeps] What?!

There is one word for you, Kitty Softpaws: Me-wow!

I know you have quite a reputation with the ladies, Mr. Friskie Two-Times.

I've also been known as the... Furry Lover!

[grunts]

But that was before I met you.

You don't know me, Puss.

I'm not who you think I am. I'm all about the score.

Come on. Look me in the eyes and tell me all you care about is the gold.

Puss... Kitty...

[peeps] Oh, my God!

[both hissing]

[laughing] New partners!

[hushed] Do not fall for his animal magnetism.

You stay focused.

Ah! What?!

[Kitty giggles]

[rhythmic clanking]

[clears throat] So... I have been thinking, Miss Softpaws, that when we go our separate ways, we can go our separate ways...

...together.

Puss, you have to go, now.

You do not have to push me away anymore.

You can trust me. But...

Give it up for the legends of San Ricardo, Humpty and Puss! We did it!

[laughing]

I'm calling it a night, guys. Kitty! Stay up with us.

No, I feel a... [coughs] hairball coming on.

OK, yeah. Have fun with that!

We should give her some privacy.

I never thought we would get to here.

After all we went through...

...to pull this off, together.

It is good to have my brother back.

Yep. Sure is.

[yawns] Well, we have a big day tomorrow.

[grunts] Pretty exciting stuff.

We should get some rest.

Good night, Humpty. [quacking, cooing]

Canasta! [thumps]

[cawing]

[groans]

[squawks]

[screams] I am still alive!

[cawing]

[gasps]

Jack and Jill.

Kitty?

Humpty?

I will find you.

[caws]

Get out of here! [squawks]

[grunts] [whinnies]

[horse nickers]

[sighs]

[grunting]

Huh?

[grunting]

Be gone!

[Humpty] What do you want? Gold? I have gold!

[Jill laughs] Jack, egg's trying to bribe us.

[Jack chuckling] With our own gold.

[Jill] Come on now, all we want is a little breakfast.

[Humpty] No, no, please!

[Jack] How do you like your eggs, pumpkin?

Humpty, no!

[Humpty screams]

[cackles]

[sighs] Hello, Puss.

[all] Surprise!

[laughing]

What is going on?

It's a surprise party, and the surprise is on you.

Looks like the cat's out of the bag.

You were in cahoots?!

Oh, yeah! They all work for me.

I spent a lot of time in prison preparing for this.

You set me up. Oh, yeah, I set you up. Of course.

You think this was all about getting the gold and clearing your name?

This little adventure was about one thing.

Revenge.

You never knew it, Puss... but I was always there. [echoing]


You wanted to repay an old debt, Puss? Well, so did I.

Why would you do this? You left me on that bridge!

You abandoned me when I needed you the most.

What happened to "brothers forever"?! I trusted you!

Well, now you're finally gonna know what it feels like, you know, to trust someone and have them stab you in the back.

Guards!

Puss In Boots, you're under arrest for the robbery of the San Ricardo Bank!

Consider this the final meeting of Bean Club.

I should scramble you with onions! [shrieks]

You should never have come back.

[growls] [Imelda] ¡Pequeño! Wait.

Do not fight them, please.

Mama! Listen to me. I can explain.

No. Puss, no more running.

Please stop breaking my heart and face what you have done.

I'm sorry, Mama.

I let you down.

Paws where we can see them!

Turn around... slow.

Slower!

Step into the carrier... quiet-like.

Attention! Attention, everyone!

If you could just come in a little closer.

Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you... the Golden Goose of legend!

[peeping] [crowd gasping, chattering]

Kitty. Not you, too?

[Humpty laughs] Gold for everyone!

Boo! Boo! Boo! [cackles]

We got some fresh, hot gold here, people!

Step right up! Get it hot!

[crowd] ¡Huevos! ¡Huevos! ¡Huevos!

One hat.

One belt.

And two boots...

...once a symbol of honor.

One bottle of catnip?

Uh... it is for my glaucoma.

[yowls] [door slams]

This is where you belong, outlaw.

And this is where you will stay... forever.

[sighs]

[man] Whoo-hoo! [shrieks]

No, no. Don't stop on my account.

Well, it looks like the egg got what he wanted.

You're talking about Humpty?

[babbles] Don't say his name!

I used to share this cell with that smelly thing.

Happiest day of my life was when he left.

Till I realized he stole my magic beans.

Wait, wait, wait! You had the beans? Who are you?

[snores] Hey! What's your name?

[screams] Andy Beanstalk!

My friends call me Jack.

I traded the family cow for them beans.

Course'n, it wasn't my family's cow.

It was some other family's family cow. That's why I got eight to ten.

Always know which cow is yours.

[snores] Crazy man. Wake up!

[gasps] What else do you know?

We're all goners, thanks to that little stinky!

I told him not to take the goose, but all he wanted was his revenge!

Don't take the goose. Why?

[snores] [groans]

[gasps] The Great Terror! That's the Golden Goose's mama.

Oh, no.

And she will be out for blood when she comes back for her baby.

[gasps] Guard!

San Ricardo is in terrible danger! You must listen to me!

Quiet, you!

[Puss yowling]

[yowling continuing]

[groans] Shut up.

[yowling] [groans angrily]

Shh! [growls]

[purring] [gasps]

Open the door.

Drop the weapon.

Very good.

Step aside.

No. [grunts]

Diablo Gato! [gasps]

Nice try. [snickers]

[muffled scream]

Huh?

I hope you can forgive me.

Apology accepted!

I don't really have time for you.

I have to save the town from the Great Terror!

Wait, Puss!

Don't you see? I'm here because...

I am here because you made me realize that there is something I care about more than gold.

Something?

OK. Someone.

He's about two feet tall, wears high heels.

Handsome?

He's very handsome.

A real beefcake? Mm-hm.

A stallion? Yes.

Tiger? Oh, brother.

[chuckles] But this does not make us even.

Freeze! Yes, it does.

No, no, no, it doesn't. [whimpers]

[both yowling]

[screams]

I saved you!

You owed me one.

You didn't tell me about Humpty.

So now you owe me two.

[guards shouting]

You're a lot of work. I know. But I am worth it!

Ha-ha!

You are not getting away, Puss In Boots!

Wrong boots.

Kitty!

Now we're even! [yowls]

This is your San Ricardo weather report.

Chances of a giant goose destroying the town...

...one hundred percent.

[Puss] Never alone, always together...

[Humpty] Humpty and Puss...

[both] Brothers forever.

[sighs] [peeping]

Come on, sweetie.

Let's, uh, get out of here before Mama shows up.

I should make you into an egg salad sandwich!

[shrieks] That is disgusting!

Give me the goose, Humpty. No can do, I'm afraid.

See, the mama's on her way, and when she gets here, it's bye-bye San Ricardo and everything you ever cared about!

[scoffs] Revenge on me is one thing, but why Imelda? Why the orphanage?

This is our home.

You mean your home.

[sighs] I never belonged here.

We had a plan to get out of here, but then you became a hero and you picked this place over me.

[sighs]

You left me with nothing.

Humpty... I'm sorry I hurt you.

But do not take it out on these people.

You are better than this!

No, I'm not. Oh, come on!

I know the real Humpty.

The way you saw the world! The inventor! The dreamer!

What happened to that guy?

[distant roaring]

[wings flapping]

I... I think it's too late.

It is never too late to do the right thing.

Together we can save San Ricardo!

I can forgive you, Humpty... if you help me now.

Really?

After everything I put you through?

Prove to me there is still a good egg in you.

I'll try.

[gasping]

[thudding]

[gasps]

[bull bellows] [chickens clucking]

[honks]

[honking]

[gasping]

[honking]

[chuckles nervously]

[hisses, roars]

[man] Run! [screaming]

[roaring]

Goggles, check. Get the baby over the bridge.

I'll get the mother to follow.

OK. Give me a... [yelling] Puss!

[snorting, roaring]

Ha-ha!

[roaring]

[sighs] [toy squeaking]

[gasps] [squeaks]

[man screams] [bellows]

Mama Goose!

[crowd screaming] Wait!

Just follow me and I will lead you to your baby.

[honking] No! Not that way!

Pequeño, help!

Hang on!

[grunts]

Oh.

Whoa! [laughs]

That's my boy!

Ha!

Come with me, Mama Goose. I know where your baby is.

Here. [grunts] Look!

[horse whinnies] [peeping]

[honking] [peeps]

[honks, bellows] Ha-ha! [yells]

Humpty, pick up the pace!

I'm trying, Puss! I'm trying!

[peeping] [shrieks]

Sorry, egghead, we want more than just eggs.

So how about you give us that goose!

Humpty! [yowling]

Get her off! [gun blast]

Nice moves. What would you do without me?

[yelling]

[shrieks] Freeze!

Comandante! Uh, I can explain?

Gato, you are going back to jail if it's the last thing I do!

Humpty, hurry!

[Humpty] We're almost there. We're almost there!

[yelling]

[grunting] [yelling]

[shrieks]

[roaring]

[screaming] Puss, help! Humpty, hang on!

Puss!

[peeping] [grunting]

Here we are again, right, Puss?

[grunting]

I will not leave you behind this time, Humpty.

[honks] [peeps]

Uh...

I'm sorry, Puss.

I've made a mess out of everything.

I'm a rotten egg. [grunting]

I'm not a person.

I'm not a bird. I'm not even a food.

I don't know what I am.

You are what you have always been.

My brother.

Brothers forever.

[roars] Whoa!

[shrieking]

[roaring] [peeping]

You can't save us both. Yes, I can! Just hang on!

Puss, you have to save the baby, or the mama will destroy San Ricardo.

It's the right thing to do.

I will not let you go, Humpty.

I know you won't.

So I won't make you choose.

Humpty! [roaring]

[honking]

I'm very sorry.

She's OK.

Humpty?

[sighs]

[honks] [peeps]

I always knew that you were good inside.

[peeping] [honking]

[coos]

Goodbye, Humpty.

[children shouting playfully]

Yeah, I think it's wonderful... And I got a goose egg.

It's him. Puss In Boots.

He saved us from the giant goose!

His sword is like lightning!

They say he has ten lives.

His boots are made of the finest Corinthian leather.

He only drinks whole milk.

Good leche.

He's no outlaw. He saved us!

[Puss] Uh, meow?

A gift for you, Mama.

I have to go. The soldiers are coming for me.

I am so proud of you, my son. [purring]

Today, you faced the past with bravery and honor.

You earned those boots.

And the people know that you are San Ricardo's greatest hero.

I did it for you, Mama.

You will always be in my heart.

And you in mine.

¡Gato! Hmm?

There he is! I see him!

[cheering] [all] Huh?

[crowd cheering]

[Puss] Toot-toot!

[♪ Lady Gaga: "Americano"]

[chuckles]

[Puss] Ha! Ha!

[both chuckling]

I will see you again, Kitty Softpaws!

[chuckles] Sooner than you think.

Ah! [groans]

[chuckles] She is a bad kitty.

[blows kiss]

[Puss] This is the story of a cat who became a hero.

An outlaw dedicated to justice. And a lover of beautiful women.

A great... great lover.

Really. [chuckles] It is crazy.

I am Puss In Boots!

And my name would become... legend!

[whinnies] Ha-ha!

["Americano" continuing]

Ha! [laughs]

[sighs]

[meows] [chuckles]

[swoons] Ha!

Whoo-hoo!

Ha! [cats meow]

Meow.

[laughing] [peeps]

Whoo-hoo-hoo!

[playful growling]