Qi mou miao ji: Wu fu xing (1983) Script

There's a thief!

Let's get him!

There's a thief!

Thief!

Come back here!


Happy birthday!

Sammo Hung!

You're not Sammo Hung!

What? He's not Sammo Hung?

Catch him.

He's up there!

Come back!


Perfect.

"PROSTITUTION IS ALSO A WAY TO LOVE."

We don't want to leech off society.

We don't just want to sit back and benefit from the hard work of others.

We're only providing a bit of comfort to those who are down and out.

Yes!

I ask you, what can be so despicable about manual labour?

How can it be a sin to work for the welfare of one's family?

That's right!

I want to say to you all, any form of entertainment is good.

That's right!

Let's all strive to legalise prostitution!

Curly, excellent speech!

We're real men.

We will boldly go where we wish.

Yes, that's right! That's right!

brother jack.

You want to bribe me?

I stand firm on my principles.

The protest is under way, as are our complaints to the legislative councils until the governor takes heed and hears our case. just wait and see.

I'm not wasting my time on you.

I can't believe he just refused $3,000. junkie ming!

We protest! We protest! We protest!

Three in a row, quick!

They're trying to get us for unorganised public demonstration. get in line now! move!

Yes, line up now! Yes, that's it. Good .

We're against the unjustified dismissal of our fellow workers.

Against unjustified dismissal!

What?

What's up with you? Why are you hugging me? What do you want?

Yes, sure, l'll get it done. jack said we need to show utter contempt for these employers.

Let's trash this factory!

What? Wait a minute. . . jack has also asked me to beat up the boss, right about now!

I'm going to kill you! Stop the fight, stop it! Hey, stop the fight!

Officer, it's not my fault.

Well, it certainly isn't mine. Now, get in there!


Hi . Can you clean my car as well?

Thanks, I'll be back soon .


Where's my key?

Oh, God!


better luck next time, pal.


You've got some nerve!

HoId it! l was merely stealing a wheel.

I can be a very cooperative citizen. Here, Sir.

You can do the rest.

Done.

And evidence for court. Move it.

Do you have something more extravagant?

Yes, we do. just a moment, please.

Please feel free to look around . Sure.

Here you are, sir. l'm sure you'll like this one.

This is not bad .

Hey, Chan! l haven't seen you for ages!

Fancy seeing you here!

You could have phoned me at least, my dear friend.

Things must be going well for you. You haven't even looked me up!

but I've already told you, it wasn't my fauIt. . .

I can't believe you just shot me!

You . . .

What's going on?

Don't be so nosey. Let's go.

I didn't do it. may I have a look of that diamond watch?

I'm sure you'll like this one.

This one's quite nice.

This is definitely your style.

Not bad.

Hey! Chan! Haven't see you in ages!

Fancy seeing you here. So, how are you?

Hey! l told you not to open fire!

I've already told you that it wasn't my fault.

Everybody stand still! This is a robbery!

Don't move a muscle! miss, stay put, or l'll shoot!

Don't move! Duck!

Quick! Let's go!

mister, are you okay? mister?

I'm fine. I just need a band-aid.

Oh, no! You're bleeding quite a bit.

It's nothing, really. l'm quite used to bleeding.

Officers, the robbers ran off in that direction.

Come with me. mister, you mustn't aggravate the wound.

What happened here?

He's been shot.

CaIl an ambulance.

I don't need an ambulance.

Don't worry, its okay. Come with us.

I'm really quite all right. Let's go.

Hey! All that blood! Why are you being arrested?

Theft. lmpressive enough for you?

Course not. You got caught, didn't you? Get in there.

What are you still standing around for?

Sir, he was here first. get a move on .

You're lucky I'm in a good mood , or you'd be bleeding to death by now.

Sir. . .

Don't even try.

Where did you get the counterfeit US dollars?

I withdrew it from my bank.

You mean to tell me your bank is issuing counterfeit money?!

Sir, the money is not counterfeit.

And you're saying it's real?

Yes.

Now I'm not in such a good mood anymore.

No! It's fake! l found it. good. You just escaped a potentially very miserable death.

You should have been upfront with me.

You were asking for trouble.

Now, we'll. . .

7086 Sir, he just confessed.

Every single note is 1 00% authentic.

I checked with the bank.

He did make the withdrawal.

And you beat him up like that. . .

Sir, l'll settle the score.

Sir, he agreed to drop any complaints.

HoId it.

7086, you're off the counterfeit case.

I've already sent an undercover cop.

Is there something else l can do?

Yes. Track down the litterbugs in the park.

What bad luck.

I was too impulsive.

I'm the oldest and there fore the "elder" of the pack.

I'm second in line.

I'm third then.

I'm fourth.

Then l'll be the fifth.

From now on, we must stick together.

Whose turn to clean the toilets?

His.

The air is fresher on the other side.

What's wrong with you? Asthma? just re-acquainting myself with the outside air.

I don't think you'll ever get used to it. Why don't you get back in there?

Now, don't you follow us around . Let's go.

Let's wait for Teapot.

No. Let's not.

Come on, let's. . .

You're right, we should go now.

You guys are not seriously treating me like this, are you?

Let him come along.

Look at your outfit. Here, take this.


big brother.


Dad.

I've told you not to speak to me in English.

Father.

good

Are you still having an affair with our chauffeur?

No. We're planning a proper wedding, now that you're released .

greetings, future father-in-law.

Don't be jealous of him.

The next time we're released, we'll do better.

What! We need to hail a bus with our legs these days!

Let me try.

A flat?!

good timing, my friend. Fancy picking up five passengers here.

Hey, you . . .

Sometimes one just can't escape bad karma.

I should really purge your bad auras from my bus after this.

Ah Sei, up for a game of tiles later?

No. l'd have more luck hitting on a bunch of nuns.

Really?

Take a look, you can't miss it.

This lot are just out their ceIls.

Stop honking! What? In a hurry for the electric chair?

So, Curly, what were you arrested for?

Oh, I was riding in a bus.

The driver was mumbling this and that, so I got him off the van, stabbed him a couple of times and got 3 years.

I had it worse. A guy gave me a funny look, so I punched his lights out and got 2 years for it.

In that case, it's a bargain spraying acid on someone.

I threw a whole bucketful at a driver once and l only got a year and a half.

Well, you were lucky, because I also did something with acid , and l got 1 0 years for it.

1 0 years?! What did you do with that acid?

I made the bloke drink it.

I don't care about jail terms.

It's about stuffing anyone who annoys me. You can't be easy on them.

How many years will we get for burning a mini-van? mr. Driver, got a light?

No, no, I don't.

Let's get off the subject, it just winds me up.

Curly, does the bus go to your part of town?

It didn't use to. l'm not sure about now, though.

How do you get there?

Well, you take the next left, and then a right, and then straight over that puddle,

and we're there.

How much for our fares?

We're all brothers. Its on me, really.

Thank you.

Wow, you must be well-off.

Oh, it's my uncle's place.

They've emigrated to Canada to work in the restaurants.

I'm just house-sitting. but my uncle is 79 now, and childless, so it'll all be mine soon.

make yourself at home. There's beer in the fridge.

Sister! Sister!

I wonder what Curly's sister is like.

Probably just like him. Here.

Thanks. maybe not. Don't be so sure.

Come over here, Curly.

What do you want?

I'm going to ask you something. give me a straight answer. go ahead .

Are you related to your sister biologically?

Yes.

Why, what's wrong?

Nothing, nothing.

That's a lost cause.

What are you up to?

Yes, what's up? just going to the toilet

What's going on? What?

Nothing. My sister just freaked me out.

He's her brother and she still shocks the hell out of him.

We'd better be mentally prepared.

Drop it. Let's try to be polite to her.

Everyone's here? They're all here.

Dinner's ready.

god is really fair. beautiful girls usually can't cook, and girls who can cook are probably not. . .

Treat them as if they're your uncles.

Uncles.

She's addressing you, guys. Return your greetings. my name is Vaseline.

Hey, take a seat.

Hey, you lot. Don't even think about it!

Let me ask you another question.

What was your father's profession?

He was a sailor.

Oh, I see. lt all makes sense now.

There's a burglar!

What?! What happened?

There's a burglar.

He's not a burglar, he's Teapot.

It's nothing. break it up.

Hi . my name is Teapot.

I'm sorry. . .

Don't apologise.

It's a natural reflex to take him for a burglar.

Did you hurt your leg kicking him?

Are you okay?

I'm fine, even though l drew the short straw.

It's just a misunderstanding, let's eat.

HeIp yourselves.

What's wrong with you lot? You don't have to line up for dinner at home!

Thank you.

Thanks. go ahead , help yourselves.

Thank you.

Leave her alone.

Thank you.


Is it ready?

It's done.

big brother, can you tell which one is real?

The one in the middle.

No, Big Brother.

The top one, then.

Wrong again, Big brother. They're all fake.

Come here.

Don't you make a fool of me again.

but you did well on this job.

Seriously, don't follow us around. but you told me to wear it.

Is my father's uniform such a disgrace?

I didn't say anything . You're the ones who think it's ugly.

It's kind of ugly, but it suits you , though.

Don't be ashamed. Only inner beauty matters. jack doesn't mean that. He's just saying that you don't have any looks at all.

Stop bickering. Let's go.

Hey, hands off.

Damn!

I barely touched her.

Curly perceives you two as sex-crazed monsters.

You should watch your words.

It's not a perception, it's the truth.

You mean it's true?!

We've no chance with her brother always hanging around.

Let's think of a way to lose him .

How?

Do your own thinking.

Tonight, we, we, we. . . no. . . the two of us, will. . . be promoting. . .

. . .some medicine.

I wonder where Porky Wing is and his pretty female colleague.

This medicine here. . . can cure all kinds of ailments, and it can boost your health even if you're not sick. me? Smart guys plan, dumb guys do.

Off you go.

. . .strengthens your back.

These martial artists usually sell fake medicine.

Strengthens, strengthens. . .

Strengthens your entire body.

It's a small pill. . . which makes it. . .

. . .easy to swallow. just take three pills a day.

That's why in 20. . .20. . .er, 20 years. . .

. . . l've, I've, l've. . . never been sick at all.

And l feel. . . feel. . . feel. . . so. . .

Okay, let's stop the talk and begin.

Here we go.


What's the big fuss? It's just like those crap martial arts movies.

Come on, show some strength.

You look like an old guy taking a pee.


You're something else.

This is Kung Fu Teacher Chiu.

Don't try running! I'll show you a few tricks of my own.

How dare you hit me! Please, don't! l was only kidding! brother. . . ! Don't worry, Sis.

Your brother's seen it all.

He'll get away just fine.

He's right. Let's go that way.

What? Competing for her affections?

Isn't it obvious?

I'm telling you . . .

Let's see who's got the best move.

What are you up to? Lifting shirts?

You . . .

Hey! While you two were squabbling, someone else moved in.

Come and get a good buy! Walkie-talkies for $65 only.

Don't miss this great bargain.

Hey, Sis. Can you hear me? Over.

Sure she can.

You were standing so close, you could have transmitted with anything.

At least move further away. give it to me. This is not our kind of gadget.

When it comes to electronics, Exhaust Pipe here is the specialist.

Here. You're absolutely right there.

It says 'made in japan' but it's really made in Hong Kong. but it has a pretty good reception, though.

I estimate its operating range at 51 .4 metres.

How do you know for sure?

He's only faking it.

You think I'm faking it? go check with the sales representative. my friend here sure knows a thing or two.

See! Sis, listen to me.

I'll check in when l'm 51 .4 metres away.

Why am l hanging out with a dumbo?

CaIling Exhaust Pipe! Over, over.

HeIlo, Sis. Over.

Are you 51 .4 metres away yet?

Not yet, l'm getting there.

Can you hear me loud and clear, Sis? Over.

Its too faint. Over.

What about now?

Sis wants you to sing her a song.

What? A song?

Yes! Okay.

"lntense is her love, boundless in its depth"

"Fine is her grace, unrequisitely he adores"

"The dearest wish within both yearning hearts"

"Eventual union for the forlorn lovers"

"But, what of the ocean which divides. . . their worlds?"

Dad, someone has taken our spot.

"The short break may make the heart grow fonder"

Dear daughter, it's hard making a living these days.

Let him do his act and we'll do ours.


Sis, can you hear me? Over.

Sis, my eye! l'm packing up now. bring the walkie-talkie back! Or l'll call the police.

Teapot. go get a bag of peanuts and share it with him .

Oh, I'd like some too. go on. What, you don't have any change?

Not that. l don't have any money at all.

I can't even make you look good. Here. Let's go.

It takes more than ten bucks to look good.

Then how much do you want?

US$1 50 Wow, that's a bit steep.

Steep? How else were you going to send me away?

Okay. To avoid further complications, here you go.

Don't you worry, l'll pay you back. being off girls for three years makes the ugly ones look pretty, too.

See you later. bye.

Where's Larry? Er, he. . .

He must have sent him off.

Er. . . maybe he just left because he wanted to.

He's got some business to attend to.

This way, pIease. That looks nice.

This market only sells women's clothes. What are you here for?

Nothing. Well. . .

Now that the rival suitors have all gone, you know what you should do?

Yes, I'll Ieave, then.

Let me say bye to Sis first.

Hey, there's no need for that. just go.

No way. Sis was just asking why everyone's gone just like that.

Let me say goodbye to her so it looks better.

You're a good sport.

Well, only if you make it worth my while.

So, what do you have for me?

Okay. $30 for your movie, a noodle soup and you can keep the change.

just make your goodbye short. Sure.

What's considered short?

I have no idea how you've survived everyday life, and got this far.

When I signal, just leave.

Okay. Don't forget.

Sis. . . Vaseline told us to leave on our own.

Why?

No idea, he said he's got some important matters to attend to.

Why don't you go ask him yourself?

It's okay. Let's go, then. Sure.

Teapot!

I see, just a plot to court me.

Yes, and instead it gave me a chance to be with you, alone.

Actually, why don't you just ask me out on a date?

I wouldn't dream of it. I know where l stand.

You see, aside from being healthy, smart, kind-hearted , hard-working, respectfuI and honest, I have hardly any other qualities.

Not to mention how most girls usually only care about looks.

That's very true.

See, that's why. How on earth could I dream of asking a girl out?

Even if I meet someone like you, I'm shy and mostly tongue-tied .

Every time a girl looks my way, my heart pounds, my legs weaken, and my hands go numb.

And then l'm at a loss for words, like now.

So you've never asked a girl out on a date before?

I've never had a date. I've had a prostitute though.

Oh, no. l was only joking.

So where should we go now?

Why don't we go. . .

Please! All your babbling is keeping the fish away.

So you've had this nickname of Teapot since you were young?

No, back then, they called me the Little Teapot.

You don't look like a teapot.

Oh, I do. just like that folk song.

How does it go? Sing it to me.

I'm a bit embarrassed.

Don't be. Nobody can see you here.

You promise not to laugh?

Okay. Go ahead.

"l'm a teapot, short and stocky I'm a teapot, short and stocky"

"This is the elbow, this is the spout, the elbow, the spout"

"And the tea is boiling, time to pour"

Teapot, good going!

Teapot, where did you take my sister?

Oh brother. . .

We just went for a cup of tea.

Then you haven't had a late night snack yet.

I've treated them all to a round of punch.

I've saved two for you, though.

You bastard! I'll catch you and smash your. . .

"l've been blessed with"

"such special friendships"

"And my buddies look out for me all the time."

"We labour and laugh together"

"When the going gets tough,"

"You wish you could just scream"

"When you're completely exhausted, you deserve a break,"

"and a good bout of laughter"

"Have a good laugh! Nothing tops being happy"

"A good laugh can do such wonders So learn to laugh at will!"

"lt sure drives out alI frustrations and boredom too"

"And it puts a sparkle in your eyes So learn to laugh at will"

"lt's as if the five lucky stars always shine upon you"

"This is fabulous! lt's just pure joy to be able to laugh at wiIl"

"Everyone should try to laugh more Have a laugh!"

Where do you want to go next? Up to you .

A movie, perhaps?

Sounds good. No scary movies, though.

Then what?

Comedies are fine.

my little friend, it's your turn now. maxim is good , maxim is great, maxim's cakes are amazing.

And one more question, what's the best thing at Maxims?

Any tips?

Okay, l'll give you three choices.

Lard Cake, Sponge Cake or the Baker's Cake.

Lard Cake.

Wrong. l'll give you another try.

Sponge Cake.

Wrong again, one more try.

Lard Cake and Sponge Cake.

Oh, well. Have this.

Three ham and egg sandwiches, two burgers, three colas and one coffee to take away.

And two pork chops on rice, two orange juices, to stay, please.

What do you want? Why don't you get us a table?

Okay.

. . .and 2 fries as well.


Fat boy, I need your girlfriend for a while.

A robbery is about to happen.

Don't panic. You'll be safe with me.

Fat boy, sit down and have your meal.

When I say duck, you duck.

This is for you.

I want the prize money, not the gift. my little friend, you. . .

I was little 30 years ago, perhaps. Now I'm a robber.

Hand over the cash before l lose my patience.

Don't cry for help. just stay calm, seal those lips and put the cash in the bag.

It'll be over soon. Now try to compose yourself.

When we've gone, you can scream all you want.

HoId it right there! Duck!

Let them go, or I'll kill him.


Fat boy, you've some good moves.

Oh, its nothing.

Are you okay?

Oh, I'm fine.

I don't see why you would let those other four take advantage of you, considering you can easily beat them all.

I used to beat up the other kids when l was young, and no one wanted to be my friend.

Now I treasure my friendships.

As long as they're my friends, I cut them some slack.

Robbery!

It's over and now you're screaming?!

Don't you guys move, or I'll shoot the bullet through all your heads.

Fancy committing a robbery with a fake gun!

Do you need some help?

Of course. Not that, call 999.

Okay. Let's go. Don't move!


Shoot!

One, two, three!

"Next time, l won't even count to three!"


What are you laughing at?

Now, don't spoil it.

What are you staring at! Get back! go watch your game. Perverts!

What's the point of being invisible if your clothes give you away, huh?


make me disappear! This should be a sure success.

There's an opportunity to shoot. . . just shoot!

Shoot now! This player is unbelievably bad!

Yeah, he lacks the moves.

Cut an angle shot!

You think they're all as good as each other? Angle shots!

Come on, go after the ball!

That's no way to win a match. They're bound to win.

This guy is something else, he just twists the ball around. get over there! Shoot now! No!

He missed such a good chance.

He was practically waiting for the ball. You can't play like that.

That's why I love English football. They're always on the offensive.

What's with this commercial?

Longines. Don't you know anything?!

This bald guy looks a bit like Sean Connery.

This team has no team-play at all!

Number 7 is consistently in the wrong spot!

Number 8 is so much better. He strikes well.

This is a really bad way to play football.

What are you doing?

I didn't do anything.

Even l can play better.

Please let it be a soft hit.

Why did you hit me?

Are you nuts? Ask them! Did I even touch you at all? go fight somewhere else. Don't ruin the game for me.

Do it once more and l'll be sure to retaliate.

You know what, I'm sitting over there, just to be sure.

This one's really going to suck!

What? blaming me again? l'm this far from you!

You bastards! You've been conspiring to trap me.


It's better if she takes it off herself.

How can l do this to Curly?

That is so big! but something's missing.

When you're not with me, I think about you a lot. but now that l'm actually with you, I love you so!

If only he would hit the streets now!

He just might.

He's upstairs. . . oh, no! my sister!

Come here.

Pass it to the back wing! Take a long shot! Pass now!

Shoot now! go get the door.

I'll get it.

You've got mail.

Can you just take this?

You mean you can see me?

I'd rather not, but I have pretty good vision, even when it comes to very small objects.

You're not kidding with me? I should be invisible!

Invisible?! l'd rather you were!

Come on, just take this. Let me go home and forget what I just saw.

This really hurts my eyes.

What are you guys laughing at?

Exhaust Pipe thought he was invisible. . .

He was watching me in the bath and I also acted as if l couldn't see him .

So, you like my figure?

Remember, your contact is Caucasian.

You two will both be wearing roses on your lapels. just give him the briefcase and bring the money back.

You're clear on that?

Yes. I am.

Repeat it back to me, then.

A red-haired foreigner. . . no. . . Rose. . . er. . . Rose perfume. . .

Father, what task did you just give him?

I've told you before.

When the men discuss business, women are not welcome. back to your room .

No. l don't know what you've set Chai up to do.

Is it going to be hard on him?

Don't you worry. There's nothing harder than living off a woman. just go back upstairs. bill and Paul, you two go with him.

Chai , let them take the risks. You be careful.

This is your first job. Don't disappoint me.

I won't.

Hey, your trousers!

I'm having a run of bad luck these days.

Little boy, don't litter or l'll arrest you .

What's wrong?

He threw away my ice cream.

Oh, no! You haven't finished it yet?

Don't cry now. be good .

Here it is.

You're such an idiot!

I'm so sorry. be good, don't cry. mummy's going to get you another one.

So?

I'm not sure if l'll be free.

Let's play it by ear.

Let's just ignore him.

What kind of man would take that?

Were you whistling just now?

Yes.

You really are a sleazebag.

What?!

You don't look like one but you act like a slimeball.

Now you're making me mad.

You, mad?

You're scum of the earth. Come on, let's just go.

HoId it, I'm with the CID!

You should have said so earlier, my colleague.

Did I hurt you?

I'm pretty hard to beat, I'm usually the one doing the beating.

Are you okay?

Your girlfriend still seems shaken.

Yes, she's just worried that I'll hurt somebody again.

Let's go. bye. bye.

You're done fighting?

Oh, no. We were just practising.

Hey, don't hassle the girls again!

And you were hassling the girl too?

You don't really think I have such bad taste, do you?

I was whistling to you, not her.

If you don't believe me. . .

All right. The competition is starting soon.

Let's go Okay.

The Roller Skates Obstacle Challenge is to commence now.

It's your turn now, go ahead.

How about a kiss first?

You don't have to, really.

Our first contestant, number 8.


be careful!


Not now.

Our second contestant, number 37.


We might land a good deal here.

Let's get him.

Why are you taking my stuff?

He took my stuff, help! I just got robbed!

Robbery! Robbery! Catch him!

Catch him! He just robbed me!

Robbery!

Hey, keep quiet. Let's go!


I'm a cop. I'll take responsibility for any damages.

We have to run.


It's in the van! Oh, no!

Step on it, go!

You bastard! Are you nuts?

Police! Now go after that car!

Yes, okay.


Police here! go after that car!

Faster, do an overtake. Overtake!

Step on it, he's getting close.

You are slower than a truck!

Police here. . .

Stop the car or l'll shoot.

I mean it!

Stop the car, stop it!


Lucky enough.

Your driving sucks!

Oh, what a big accident!

I'm doomed.

Chai , are you okay?

Fine. Father-in-law, I tried my best. big brother, the goods were taken by the Five Star Cleaning Company.

Okay. Get the boys and hunt that cleaning company down.

Yes.

You're only good in the bedroom, that's about it. Now get out of here!

Yes.

get me Mr. Chan, our butler.

You're to stay in your room at all times!

Father, you can be nicer.

Chan, this is the list for the invites.

Yes, sir.

Hey, get the gear and come in.

Sure.

Now that the instructions are clear, I'm not going to repeat myself.

Who's in charge here?

That would be me. my name is. . .

Please pay attention.

First of all, please bring only what you need.

Everything else, get it out of here. Understand?

These stairs lead to the second floor.

No kidding!

The weather is really nice. . . He was only talking to me.

The second floor is off limits.

And, the toilet is over there. You can clean it but you can't use it.

Fancy a cigarette?

Yes, thank you .

Thanks.

Another rule. If you want to have a cigarette, you must not light it.

Our master hates cigarette ash.

Do you shed a lot of hair?

Not that much lately.

Then put a cap on or something.

It's not very hygienic to have loose hairs everywhere.

Also, as I've pointed out in the contract, you will only be paid when the job is performed to my satisfaction .

Of course. good. Then you can get started .

All right, now that we're done with his nonsense, let's clean this up.

Faster, faster. Chase him.

Chase him. Chase him, go on.

PC 7086 salutes you, sir.

Sir. . .

7086, sit!

Yes, sir.

You were really brave this morning!

Thank you, sir.

Do you have any idea how many cars were damaged?

I didn't have time to count, sir.

It totals to more than 50 vehicles!

Thank you, sir. Why are you thanking me?

No thanks, sir.

And do you know what happened to the two guys you arrested?

They broke out from jail?

I'd rather they did! They're out on bail for $500 each.

You have no witnesses, no evidence. What am I supposed to charge them with?

What? Speed racing with a cop?!

Every case you're on incurs big expenses.

I'm still trying to figure out where to post you next.

You should be posted somewhere far away!

Sir, l was mereIy performing my duty.

Duty, my eye! Take your filthy hands off that bowl.

Hey, where are my two turtles?

Stop!

Sir, good thing I noticed.

If you kill my Rosey, I'll have you stand guard at the reservoir.

Albert

Albert! lt was only a pencil sharpener.

Sir, how many pencil sharpeners do you have?

Only one!

Albert!

Oh! Sir, now l'll have to guard the reservoir.

The reservoir?! You are back on uniformed patrol!

Rain or shine.

Hey, you're running a red light!

Really? Did l?


You just ran a red light.

Sir, please give me a chance.

Okay, let me see your licence.

Oh, I know him.

Hey, let me. Sir.

It's you again, fat boy.

Yeah . Good to see you.

It really pays to have friends in the right places.

Not really. l don't let my friendships infringe on my job duties.

Tell your friend to drive more carefully the next time.

Sir. . .

It's part of the job, I can't help it.

Let him ticket us. That's just about all the cops are good for anyway.

You don't see them being so prolific with the criminals!

I ended up here because I was really on top of the criminals.

How frustrating. just relax, I'll think of something.

Clean up.

Didn't you say we should think of something?

Yes, but you need brains. Do you have any?

Yes.

Yes? Okay, then.

Can you name "the five crops"?

Rice, maize, wheat. . . wheat. . . barley?

And. . . grains. Yeah, you eat grains, right?

Well, it just slipped my mind.

That means you don't know.

Now, since you can't name the five crops, you'd better get on all fours and do some work.

Oh, sure.

Then be sure to clean up this mess. Okay.

What are the five crops anyway?

If l knew l wouldn't have to ask.

How can l not know the 5 crops?! Corn, wheat. . .

I'm really depressed these days.

In the past, I had people cleaning up after me.

Now I'm a cleaner. And I have to take this abuse from our customers.

Well, it's not like we're being pushed around. That butler is just picky.

That's the norm with the rich when they throw their fancy parties.

Well, you see, if he had invited me. . .

Would you have gone?

Of course.

You wish! They only invite the good and the great.

What, you need to show your bank account at the door?

He's right, we can look rich as well.

You might be able to act it.

I am it. Successful, established.

In that case, we should gatecrash.

Oh, no.

Why not? Didn't you say you know a lot of society figures?

We might be able to land some more clients there.

That's right!

I'll probably run into old friends.

Ah, I see. . . Teapot!

Coming!

I remember now. lt's rice, barley, potato, wheat and maize.

Now you know.

Let's go.

Where?

To hire some clothes for you.

For what?

For a party.

Where are our props?

Is this going to work?

I can work anything! give me a light.

You go first.

Okay. This way, please.

Hi , how are you? Hope you're doing well.

Those cigars are something else. Do you know them?

No, not at all. more guests.

Please put it out.

Don't be overwhelmed .

You haven't seen anything yet.

I know a lot of people here. but we're not so sure they know you at all.

Look, isn't that Chan Chiu?

How are you?

Welcome, mr. Wong.

Isn't he acting like he's the host?

Of course, he is the host.

How come I didn't know this before?

You don't know much, anyway. Let's go.

Sis, let me introduce you to some friends of mine.

You pulling my leg again?

No, we're on a truce for now.

Let me tell you something. . .

Here we are in the fields, let's play in the fields.

Am I wrong?

I don't get it.

Why bring your own packed lunch to a buffet?

I see. Vaseline!

Hey, if you just tail Vaseline, you won't get anywhere.

Walk round with a guy who makes you look good. That's so true.

Teapot.

I'm not into picking up girls.

I'm not asking you to. just act your usual self and make me look good .

Let's go. gold prices have gone up. . .

Excuse me.

The boss, mr. Ho is here.

Show him to the study.

Yes.

This way please.

mr Chiu, my congratulations. Thank you.

It's a good party.

Thanks to our guests.


may I help you?

Oh, I'm looking for the toilets.

This way please. Yes.

Excuse me. This way please. Oh, yes.

go straight and then take a left.

Thank you.

mr Lam, thank you.

If you need anything, just phone my secretary, Susan.

Yes, of course.

I'm not Susan!

It sounds more classy than Sis.

A businessman has to impress, wheel and deal, just to get ahead .

The market is so tough these days. miss, did anyone ever tell you what beautiful eyes you have?

Really?

Not to mention. . . that unrivalled elegance as well.

I can't sIeep with you . I'm married.

You're very smooth, though.

Try that line on someone else.

It just might work.

I'll have to excuse myself now.

Hi , miss Chan.

That's the one.

Do you know her?

Not yet, but I will soon.

She is so fine and feminine.

How do you define that?

At the sheer sight of her, you just want to jump her.

Now do your part.

What do you have in mind? grab her.

Here we go.

It's this floor, it's so slippery.

HeIlo, miss.

brother Chiu, what is going on with the goods?

Everything is fine. just have your payment ready. money is not an issue. When can I expect to see delivery?

In 3 days.

Here's my business card . Thank you.

Five Star Cleaning Company?!

How are you, mr. Wong?

Fine, thank you.

It's all set, then .

mr. Ho, it's confirmed. Now, please excuse me.

Sure, and l have to leave as well.

bring him Here. Yes.

Wait outside. Yes.

You've got a good business there. . .

It's okay. mr. jack So. mr. Chiu would like to discuss some business with you. mr. Chiu? Take this for me, please.

Excuse me, business beckons.

This way, pIease.

Teapot, come dance with me.

Yes.

mister, would you like to dance?

No, thanks.

big brother, this is Mr. jack So. mr. Chiu , we've met before. How are you?

Well, l heard that you're good .

Hardly. l used to have these two lads working for me Scarface Wing and Cat-Poo Keung.

They slash everyone who gets in their way.

What line of business does Five Stars engage in?

We're a huge cleaning company, with a staff of over 1 00, plus 5 directors.

We've been tending to your premises here as well.

If you need anything, feel free to phone us.

Five Star's future has never looked better.

Then, where's that briefcase?

What are you talking about? give it back or you're in trouble.

What trouble? What are you talking about?

So you're not going to tell?

I've just said l don't know.

And now?

Now what? You're the one who kicked me for no real reason .

You're still not telling? maybe your partners will telI.

Round up his partners!

What's the matter?

That bastard Chan Chiu! He tricked me into some business get-together, and then asked me for some briefcase, which I don't have.

At which point he pointed a gun at me, beat and gagged me.

It's nothing. Please don't be overly concerned . It's a misunderstanding. misunderstanding?! You were going to round up my partners!

I didn't tell him who my partners were.

Now that my partners are all here, you want to get me?! Or kill me?!

Such a big deaI for nothing! I say we leave now!

Please stay, my guests.

What? You're in my way!

To hell with you.

get your hands off me! Hands off!


my apologies, goodbye.

Father, what's wrong? back to your room . Now!

To hell with you.

my teacher always says "Fight them head on, till you drop." Come on!

That's all you've got? I can take quite a bit, come on!

I'm the better one.


If you dare to raise that leg, I'll kick you down.

I can see it a mile away.

Turned to stone?


What's really going on here?

I haven't the slightest clue.

It'll be hard to escape this one.

Lighter!

Teapot, hold them back!

If you kill them, who's going to cough up my goods?

We'll wait for you out there.

You lot are abandoning me?


After them!

Put out the fire first! Yes!

Put out that fire! Yes!

I feel better already.

You shouldn't be.

Don't move!

Hey, wait for me! Stop the car!

Don't make any stupid moves. Stop the car!

I can't believe you guys left without me.

I'm lucky enough to run away.

Is that what friends are for?

I'm sorry, I'm in the wrong car. guess not, huh.

marvellous. The young and gifted.

Fancy pulling such a move on Chan Chiu.

I'm a man of my word.

If you lot give me that briefcase, I'll give you $20 million dollars for it.

What briefcase?

Stop pretending. It'll just annoy me.

We really don't have this briefcase. What are you talking about? big brother, let us do the asking.

A few slashes should do the trick. go on. I don't want to be stressed by this one.

HoId it, stop for a second.

Let's not be greedy.

Why don't we do business with him?

He seems more to the point. good that you're thinking straight.

It's a deal. Let's do the transaction at 9am tomorrow, park at the peak.

Let's go now.

Watch it!

You think I'm stupid?

She'll be our hostage.

No, no way. brother, l don't want to stay here.

Siblings, even better.

Excuse me.

Sis, don't you worry, we'll come back for you soon.

I'll give you till daybreak tomorrow.

After that, l'm killing the hostage.

HoId it. Consider it done. Let's go.

You got it?!

Yes. Let's go, come on.

big brother, should we tail them?

No. l don't want Chan Chiu to pick up on this.

We don't have that briefcase. Why did you say we do?

Where are we going to find it?

What do we do now?

Yeah?

Yes, so what?! lf I hadn't said that, you think we'd have escaped?!

What I mean is. . .

I know what you mean .

You want to take any briefcase and fake it.

These cheap tricks won't work.

No, not really. As long as they can be fooled .

You're nuts! Do we know the size, make or, better still, the contents of that briefcase?

No we don't.

Then how do we fake it?

That's why you're always right. Here.

What's with this briefcase?

It's probably the one they're after.

Why didn't you tell us before?

I wanted to, but you guys kept cutting me off.

Why did you cut him off?

Stop it. Let's open it.

Wow, what?

Oh, just a premature "wow".

It's all US dollars! See!

US dollars, we really did well.

So much cash. We're rich, just like that.

It's all $1 00 bills.

We're rich, yes!

And stacks of it too!

Smells nicer than the best perfume.

That's right. Nicer than perfume.

Hey, can't you see it's all counterfeit?

Don't kid with me.

Look at this printing plate.

great, we can print more ourselves.

You know how?

No.

This is all worthless.

You lot are greedy beyond belief.

We need this to get Sis back.

Let's put it back.

How uncaring! You lot would take this cash over my sister.

Let's go get her.

Hang on. Don't rush, let's get changed first.


Are they here yet?

No, not yet.

Then let's run.

No, they'll be sure to spot us.

We have to split up and distract them.

The three of you lure Chan's lads to the warehouse, and try to stall them .

Curly, you take these printing plates and lure Ho here.

What? You want them to kill me!

Don't worry, he's not going to kill you without getting what he wants.

I'll fetch the lads.

What lads? Do we know any?

No. But don't you worry.

Our fate looks really bleak.

Don't worry. Chan won't kill us before he gets his printing plates.

Even if he gets one, we'll still be fine.

They're coming.

You take these.

get going! Hunt them down!

Yes.

Okay? Now, take care. Yes.

This isn't a trick, right?

I have no idea. Those guys trick me all the time, I'm used to it.

There! get over there.

Let's go now.

I didn't see anything, I won't tell.

You killed him?

No, l was shooting at the lock.

Watch before you fire.

Not here, let's go.


Teapot, can you drive?

Yes. go then.

What? break out of here. just me? good warriors are never outnumbered.

No. Not me.

Come on, l'll be the back up.


go fight somewhere else, don't involve me. go!


Is that all you can do? Stand and shoot?!

I can fight as well.

Put the gun away then.

You two have been posing cool all day, now go get them.


Where were you? You're sweating.

I was looking for you lot.


One of them is here!

back there.

This is captivating.

I like action too.

It's okay.

It's not okay if the action is here.

You're nothing but trouble.

Don't come for me. go, get out.


We found these three.

give me the briefcase. Now you go finish them off.

HoId it!

Whoops!

Where are the other plates?

We traded them in for life insurance.

What?

Our big brother has it.

Who is your big brother?

He's. . . Don't tell him!

If you don't tell me, I'll kill you all.

You'll kill us anyway. Our big brother is on his way here.

We have to look out for ourselves.

If big brother has any integrity, he'll come and get us.

If he doesn't, serves him right to come into this mess anyway. but if he knows what a mess we're in, he might chicken out.

True, its so typical of these big brothers. good, l'll wait.

big brother, don't come! big brother, he's trouble. Why don't we kill him off?

Oh no, such loyalty is quite rare these days.

They're coming.

Ho man?!

You're not setting me up, are you?

Of course not, big brother.

Hey, I'm not your big brother.

Teapot, Exhaust Pipe, Vaseline! We're here!

big brother.

Don't! We don't want to drag our big brother into this.

What are you saying?

They were right, you were trying to pull a fast one on me. brother Chiu, you're mistaken. big brother, I'll assume the danger for you .

Here, your printing plates. He's got the other one.

You two sort this out. brother Chiu, I can explain.

There's no need for that.

Yes. get in your positions! Now!

Yes.

go!

Ho man! l'm coming to get you .

We're bound to see one of them go down.

Yeah, but the one left standing will be after us.

big brother, the cops are here.

Let's spIit. Go.

Let's get going as well.


What a scene!

Larry. . .

Hang on, stand to the side. gather all the evidence.

Yes, sir.

Is he for real?

Sir, the evidence.

You're caught red-handed.

I'm afraid you're looking at a very long jail term .

Take them away.

Yes, sir.

get up! Let's get them to the station. go!

I have a question. go ahead .

Are you for real?

Of course l'm for real. l'm with the Special Police Force unit.

I specialise in going undercover, in order to combat gangster crime.

Thank you for your cooperation.

I'll need your testimonies also.

I've always had very distinguished friends.

You're certainly one of them .

No wonder you were so crude, you're a cop! Thumbs up, though!

I've always known that you're legitimate.

I always respected you. my teacher hates snitches, but I've never paid attention to my teacher.

Larry, you look great in uniform. I really like it.

I'm applying for the police force tomorrow. Come.

Sit still. What's up with you?

I hate going to the precinct. It's worse than meeting the mother-in-law.

I didn't know you have a mother-in-law.

No, it's just a metaphor for how uneasy I am .

Hi , fat boy! It's you again!

Yes sir.

What did you get yourself into now?

No idea. Probably something from my past.

Let me help.

Sir, do you rank well here?

Three stars. You know what it stands for?

No.

Sir.

Three stars stand for Chief Inspector.

Teapot, give me your hand .

The other way.

"GOOD CITlZEN AWARD"

Is it for me? Yes.

And a $20000 reward.

Thank you, sir.

We have money for the wedding now.

7086 Sir. You can take some credit for this case as well.

Here's yours.

"MERlT AWARD"

Thank you , sir.

Sir, just a banner? Do I get a raise?

Yes.

Oh, really?

Not now. Next time the gov't raises police wages, yours will go up too.

That means nothing. madam .

Susie.

How did it go?

That's all l got.

Encouragement, none the less.

A good raise is better, though .

I have something to tell you.

What?

I've decided to accept your proposal.

Really!

Oh, I'm sorry, fat boy.

She's agreed to marry me!

I've been looking forward to this!

Congratulations.

Can't you time your congratulations?

Let me buy you a drink.

Okay, l'll race you to the gate.

Okay. Hey, Hang on. Let's both carry our fiancees. Okay?

Okay.

One, two, three. . .

"l've been blessed with"

"such special friendships"

"And my buddies look out for me all the time."

"We labour and laugh together"

"When the going gets tough,"

"you wish you could just scream"

"When you're completely exhausted, you deserve a break,"

"and a good bout of laughter"

"Have a good laugh! Nothing tops being happy"

"A good laugh can do such wonders So learn to laugh at will!"

"lt sure drives out alI frustrations and boredom too"

"And it puts a sparkle in your eyes So learn to laugh at will"

"lt's as if the five lucky stars always shine upon you"

"This is fabulous! lt's just pure joy to be able to laugh at will"

"Everyone should try to laugh more Have a laugh!"

"Laugh like you're mad"

"And make your friends do so too"

"Look, he's laughing his guts out"

"Let's all follow suit l make people laugh."

"You really do and its wonderful"

"l'll laugh at will"

"lt can drive away your misfortunes Everybody crack a joke!"

"Everyday is just a pleasure. be sure to smile everyday"

"lt's as if the five lucky stars always shine upon you"

"lt's wonderful when you can laugh at will Laugh at will, its fabulous!"

"ow, everybody have a. . . Big laugh!"

"lt's as if the five lucky stars always shine upon you"

"lt's wonderful when you can laugh at will To laugh at will, it's fabulous!"

"Now everybody have a. . . Big laugh!"