Quiet Wedding (1941) Script

Very well then.

Here it is in plain English.

Well .. what I mean is.

Of course, you don't know me awfully well, so you may feel ..

Although, of course I hope you don't. I say, I can't blame you if you do.

Still, there it is.

Oh, what was I saying? You were saying "still there it is".

Oh yes. Still there it is. Well ..

You can probably feel I shouldn't be saying all this.

Dallas, please, please. What are you trying to say?

Oh yes .. well, I was trying to say ..

Do you think you could see your way to marrying me?

Oh Dallas.

I mean, if you don't like the idea, you've only got to say so.

But I do like the idea .. so much.

Darling.

Dallas!

Dallas Chaytor.

Dallas .. Dallas!

Dallas .. do you realize that you're in?

Gosh. So I am.

I say, Denys old boy. You don't know it yet but I'm going to marry your sister.

Yes, but not before you bat.

Did you say "marry"? Yes, "marry".

Good Lord. Well, hurry up old boy.

Goodbye darling. See you again soon. Hmm. Good luck.

Darling.

Hello.

Miranda, you horrible beast. Have you been listening?

Yes, and I heard every word. What a time he took.

I knew he was going to. That's why I listened.

Oh Janet, how thrilling for you. I think he's simply gorgeous.

Miranda, you ..

Oh!

Young man, what's the meaning of this? Kept you waiting sir? Terribly sorry.

Not keeping me waiting. Kissing my daughter.

You see sir. I'm going to marry her. You can't. We're playing cricket.

I know, but ..

If you're not up at the other end by the time I count five I'll give you out.

One, two, three, four.

Five.

Middle and off.


I'm being made a partner next month. What on earth are you talking about?

About marrying your daughter. Play the game and don't talk rubbish.

Well I ..

I've got an allowance from my father meanwhile.

Miss one, you fool.

Out.

Too good for me, sir. Top spin my boy. Beaten many people.

I'll bet it has. Oh.

About that little matter. I mean, marrying my daughter.

We'll talk about it later. Oh thank you, sir.

Don't say anything to anyone about it meanwhile.

No, I certainly won't.

Lady Yeldham, isn't it thrilling. Janet is engaged to Dallas Chaytor.

Who did you say, dear? Dallas Chaytor.

Good afternoon, Lady Yeldham. Quite exciting isn't it?

Yes, isn't it.

That's your change. Thank you.

What do you think? Janet Royd is engaged.

Just fancy. Who told you?

Lady Chester dear. Doris Chester.

But don't tell anyone will you. It's quite a secret.

Look. Rely on me Miss Linsworth.

One, two, three.

No, no, no! We're ..

We're singing about a lover and his lass, not an undertaker and his hearse.

Hey ding-a-ding-a-ding. Bells of spring, not funeral bells.

Once again.

"There was a lover and his lass".

Janet Royd is engaged.

What?

Janet Royd is engaged.

Ethel, Ethel.

I've got some wonderful news.

You mean the engagement? Oh, you've heard of it.

Engagements? I smell them out. Got a nose like a hound.

Tell her not to jump her fences before she comes to them.

I shouldn't dream of putting such an idea into Janet's head.

Wouldn't you? Whoa. Thank you. Thank you Bill.

Take care of the steps, dear. What do you think of this "Paper"?

"Paper"? I don't know what you are talking about, Ethel.

The fellow "Paper", Janet is marrying.

Chester. Maurice Chester, dear. Such a nice young man.

Nonsense Florence, you've got it quite wrong. I distinctly heard "Paper".

I remember thinking it an odd name at the time.

Chester. After all I am her aunt. I ought to know.

Mildred, it is "Paper" isn't it?

After all, you're the girl's mother. "Chester", isn't it, Mildred?

"Paper". It's all over the village.

That fourpence paper. Can't the boy-scouts do something about it?

It is most unkind of you not to have told me before.

Now come, Mildred. You can't pretend with me. Janet is engaged.

I think you've both gone mad. Janet engaged? Impossible.

Janet engaged? Who to?

"Paper". "Chester".

Arthur. "Chester".

Who is this man that Janet's decided to marry? - Me.

Don't be silly.

Arthur, Janet has got herself engaged to some man we've never heard of called ..

"Paper" or "Chester" or something. Mummy darling, do get this straight.

It's Dallas I'm going to marry. Dallas? How can you marry Dallas?

Oh it's all too confusing. I don't want to hear any more about it.

Yes. Yes, that's what I must do. Think.

But mother. Mrs Royd.

Yes, that's what your mother must do. She must think.

I'm going to help her.

Cheer up darling. It will be alright now.

Well .. I must go and break the news gently to my father.

I'll get him at his office. On a Saturday afternoon?

You don't know the old man.

Further to your letter of the 14th instant.

Your inquiry regarding delivery of four tons of bananas in a bruised condition.

"Your son on the phone, sir." Alright, put him through.

The consignment in question was shipped on our S.S. Bedelia ..

And we are confident ..

Hello Dallas, my boy. How are you?

Splendid.

We are confident the bananas were not bruised until delivery took place at ..

What?

Married?

Did you say "married"?

Are you sure you want to marry her?

No, no. Far too much. 10,500 is the outside figure.

Now what do you say? Oh yes, of course.

Make a note will you Miss Biggs. My boy is engaged to Miss Janet Royd.

Address?

Whiteways, Throppleton, Wiltshire.

Well, when is the wedding to be?

In about a month's time?

Good.

Advise me of the exact date as soon as possible or I may not be able to attend.

Alright my boy. Anything more to discuss before the three pips go?

I shall ring off now then. Goodbye.

Now what were we? Oh .. congratulations.

What were we saying?

"Were not bruised until delivery had taken place."

At Southampton.

It's alright. Bless him.

I shouldn't say that yet, as we may get a crate of bananas as a wedding present.

Silly.

Janet dear, what are you doing? I am only kissing my fiancé mummy.

Well don't do it in the hall where everyone sees. It's not nice.

Then you don't mind after all? I didn't say I didn't mind.

But you don't, do you Mrs Royd?

Well, I've been trying to think of reasons why I should.

And I can't think of any.

So I suppose I don't.

Well now, Arthur let me see. I think we can get them married by September.

What about next month? A month? Ridiculous.

Arthur, tell her it's ridiculous. Why shouldn't it be a month?

Really, Arthur. You men think that everything can be settled in a second.

Mummy, you must understand that Dallas and I only want a very quiet wedding.

I'm for 8 in the morning, just us there. Yes dear, of course. Now let me see.

There's cousin George, and uncle Bob, and aunt Polly.

And yes of course. We mustn't forget the Robinsons.

Dallas, I'm so happy. Darling.

Think of all the fun we're going to have choosing our things together.

All sorts of things I always wanted to buy myself but never been allowed to.

There's a silly little hat I saw in Bond Street.

Perhaps I'll be able to have a mink coat.

My wedding dress.

Can't I have a new handkerchief or something?

Oh darling.

And then the flat. Oh yes. And that reminds me.

I've got rather an elaborate ornament here for it.

Oh Dallas.

You sure you can afford it? Oh, a shilling means nothing to me.

I adore it.

Mildred. Janet. Such fun seeing you.

Come Muriel. Don't you agree with me?

Five guineas for a little wisp like that. Ridiculous.

Well, I only wish the quality in my day had been what it is today.

My mother would have died if I'd produced one of those chiffon whatnots.

Though they're called "nighties" nowadays.

Genuine Irish linen. Single or double, madam?

Double please.

I thought double sheets were slightly Victorian nowadays.

Show me some pillowcases please.

I assure you Madame, it is too short. Yes, mummy, I do think ..

Well, I don't dear. After all, I have to lift it.

Remember what a muddle poor aunt Polly got into with Dora's.

There. What could be prettier than that? In my opinion, many things, Madame.

It's so much more dignified if you .. Yes, I know. About the legs.

She will be wearing high heels, Madame. The shawl will be much, much longer.

This is absurd, Madame.

No. Ridiculous.

There.

Impossible.

Delightful.

Never forget.

Always make it.

Eve wouldn't.

Never let it.

You must remember.

Don't.

Do.

Don't. Do.

Don't. Do.

Janet. Janet. Janet. Janet. Janet ..

No!

Oh, I'm sorry.

Oh. I knows you.

You be that young fellow that's marrying up at Whiteways.

Yes, that's right.

Look, what's happened to the London train? Why isn't it in yet?

Been working me off my feet, you have. You and your young woman.

Oh have we? Aye, indeed you have.

Parcels, parcels, parcels. Nothing but parcels.

Why can't you young folk get yourselves wed without this danged fiddle-faddle?

Hello darling. Hello my sweet.

My best going-away hat.

Never mind. I'll buy you 2 more. But I'm not going away twice.

You bet your life you're not.

There you are Joe. Three suitcases.

Heavenly to be back. I've been rushed off my feet.

Poor darling.

Just a minute.

Miss Royd, I do hope you don't mind my asking, but ..

Are you going to be a white bride?

Well, if you mean, is my dress going to be white? Yes, it is.

I was wondering as I happened to see a photo of a wedding dress of ice-blue.

It did look so nice. Everybody's please.

And so superior, if you get me.

With the train, just five yards long. But, of course if you are wearing white.

Everybody's.

You can't go wrong in white, if you know what I mean.

I hope you don't mind my asking, Miss Royd.

We really ought to be going. Oh, goodbye.

Goodbye Miss Royd, I shall be there on Friday, waiting at the church.

Tobacco?

Everybody's please.

Why is it weddings have such an awful attraction for some people?

Never mind darling. It will soon be over.

There you are Joe. Thank you sir.

Take an old chap's advice and stay single.

Getting married is a sight more trouble than it's worth.

Fiddle-faddle.

A homely little trifle but quite attractive I think.

A soap-rack. Oh Vicar. Wonderful.

No-one thought of giving her anything like that.

Look Mildred, what a duck of dachshund.

Janet might give it to you.

Never mind dear, here they are.

Miss Janet, your wedding cake has come. It looks a fair treat.

Does it, Bella? Don't you want to look at it?

Not now. Later. Hello darling.

Lovely to see you.

Dallas, take those things upstairs, will you dear.

Did you get everything done? I think so.

Lots more presents have arrived. Have they?

Yes. Well, come and have a look at them.

What about the bridesmaid's hats? Oh, hello vicar.

And how are we feeling after our little jaunt to London?

Very well thank you.

Aunt Florence. Janet dear.

Beginning to feel nervous? No.

Just a teeny-weenie little bit nervous?

And where is your lover?

If you mean Dallas, he's upstairs.

And you're wrong, aunt Florence. He is not my lover.

The word "lover" Florence, has another meaning to the one it had in our days.

What on earth is this? From the Vicar darling.

Isn't it lovely.

I knew you'd adore it. I've just been telling him. It is just what you wanted.

Not at all.

Thank you so much Vicar, it will be useful.

Here's another monstrosity. I mean, what is it?

A centrepiece. Lovely. Who sent it?

"With love to dear, dear Janet and may she have blessed happiness."

"From Auntie Polly and Uncle George."

I wonder who gave it to them.

Well, if you'd excuse me .. Just a moment my dear.

As we've only two days before the blessed .. happy event.

You mean the wedding? Precisely.

I thought we might have a little rehearsal tomorrow.

Is it really necessary? Ah, feeling a little bashful, are we?

Well, I'm afraid the time has come ..

When we can't spare the bride's blushes anymore.

Well Vicar, I'm not a bride yet. And I'm not blushing.

Miss Royd, I'm glad you're here. We must try on the bridal gown just once more.

No thank you, Madame Mirelle. I am much too tired.

I ask you, is it fair that my gown goes to the altar without a final fitting?

Every fold must be just so .. I am an artist.

Now, if you would please come with me. No, Madame Mirelle. No, no, no.

Darling, what is the matter? Nothing Dallas, it's only ..

What was the point of shouting at Madame Whatsername?

No point at all.

It's just that I'm sick of all the folds of chiffon I am to be stared at in.

Surely, darling, you want everything to be just right, don't you?

I don't think I want it at all. Janet.

I don't want all this fuss and all these preparations.

I don't want to be gaped at.

Darling .. Dallas, leave me alone.

Thank goodness the Vicar has gone.

Such a nice man.

So tactless.

I should like to put my feet up for a few minutes.

Well, do my dear. There isn't time.

Ma'am.

What did I tell you.

Ma'am.

What is it Bella? The cauliflower has come.

What's odd about that? We ordered it.

More like a Brussels sprout. It will never go round, mum.

Me, Gladys, you and the master. Of course it's not. Is the boy here?

I kept him. You'd better have a word with him.

Yes, perhaps I'd better. Not that that will make it any larger.

Hello mother. How are you?

Did you hurt yourself? Not a bit, mother.

Hello Johnny. Hello. Still grouchy?

None of your lip.

I have a surprise for you. Darling, so nice to see you.

How are you? With you in a moment. I've got a surprise for you, mother.

Hello John. Hello father.

Listen mother. I've got a surprise for you.

Well, I'm practically engaged to be married.

Well I'm damned. Do we know her?

John, you never said there was anyone. Well, it all happened very suddenly.

She and her parents were leaving for India today so we had to decide quickly.

You poor boy. To be separated so soon. How long will they be away?

About five years.

John dear. Five years?

Are you going to wait five years?

Is she coming back, or are you going out there or what?

Wait five years? Of course not. She's here.

Here? In this house?

Just outside. She's waiting in the car. Oh John.

We only settled things this morning, mother.

I persuaded her parents to allow her to come and I ..

Well I ..

I told them she could stay here until the wedding.

Why, that's tomorrow. Where is she going then?

No, I mean our wedding.

Who are you? Oh.

Dallas Chaytor.

You're very beautiful.

Who me? But you don't look very happy.

Are you? No.

Yes I am.

Of course, you're a mass of complexes.

Oh .. am I?

I could help you, you know.

That awfully nice of you but .. You must tell me your dreams.

Yes, yes, some other time, I think. No. Now.

Just take Virginia.

Cheer up mother. You'll love her when you know her.

I'll get her.

Love her when I know her?

Haven't I heard that before? Arthur, I could burst into tears.

It's alright my dear, you can see you're not losing a son but gaining a daughter.

But I don't want to gain a daughter. No. Two is quite enough.

That reminds me. Marcia and Jim will be here tomorrow.

Where's is John's girl going to sleep? Don't ask me.

She can't have the blue room because Mary's got that.

Well there's always the bathroom. Not funny, Arthur.

Oh well, we must put him in the box room and she must sleep with Marcia.

Oh dear, what on earth would Bella say?

Mother.

She's disappeared.

Now tell me all about yourself.

You can talk for hours. I'm a very good listener.

Don't you think you'd better tell me something about yourself first?

Oh, I'm a fairly simple case. You see, I'm an extrovert.

Oh .. I'm most awfully sorry.

I mean .. well, one would never have known.

Oh don't be frightened of her. She never bites.

Don't you think perhaps we'd better .. Well, sit down please.

I will not make love to you, you know. Oh aren't you?

I mean, won't you? I mean ..

Hello darling.

Oh .. Miss Lisle.

This is my fiancée .. Miss Royd.

How do you do. How do you do.

Are you Looking forward to marrying Dallas?

Dallas?

Yes, of course.

Well you haven't any doubts, have you?

No .. why?

It's only that I thought from the way you answered me that ..

There was something out of tune between you two.

Of course, if there is, it's much better to admit it now than after the marriage.

Flower.

There you are. Now come along, darling. The family are mad to meet you.

Hello Janet darling. Hello Dallas.

What's the idea of the cozy little chat?

Well, it was her idea, not mine.

Janet, darling.

You don't think you saw us in the middle of a passionate intrigue?

I saw her take your arm.

Janet, don't be so childish to think .. I never said I thought anything.

It's getting chilly. I'm going indoors. Oh, Janet darling ..

Why are you suddenly so .. so different?

Are you beginning to have doubts?

If so, you'd better take your friend's advice.

But Janet I .. oh blast.

This is Flower. How do you do dear.

Oh please don't think you've got to say anything.

I don't expect you to welcome me. I don't think you'll like me.

Oh .. but my dear, how foolish.

Of course we shall. I uh ..

This is my husband .. John's father, of course.

Why, of course.

Why indeed? But I am.

Supposedly.

I think I shall like you.

Do you mind if I sit on the floor. I always sit on the floor.

Do.

Hello, John.

Hello, Denys.

Denys .. this is John's Flower.

Fiancée, I mean. My son Denys.

How do you do.

How do you do.

Did you say John's fiancée? Yes, dear.

How frightfully odd.

Why is it odd?

Well .. isn't it odd? No dear. Of course not.

You're not like John, are you? I should think you are rather clever.

Inhibited, of course.

Well, I think I should like to go to my room now.

What time is dinner? A quarter to eight.

I hope.

I shall read in my room until then. I must be alone part of the day.

One's mind gets so muddled if one is never alone.

I'm sure it does.

Do you mind if I hang my own pictures on the walls?

I'm never happy without my pictures.

Do, if you can use the nails that are there.

That's perfectly alright.

I've brought some special wall-pins. They leave no marks.

Oh good.

Afraid I cannot give you a room to yourself.

Oh mother. John, if you'd only rung up.

As it is, Janet sleeps with aunt Mary. That's perfectly alright.

It's the mental attitude that counts. I should be comfortable in a pigsty.

Then you should be quite alright in Marcia's room.

Oh by the way, I think you ought to know that I'm not John's fiancée yet.

I shall decide definitely after this weekend.

Flower.

Janet, what in heaven's name is the matter with you?

We are being wed the day after tomorrow. I realize we expect to be married.

What on earth are we quarrelling about? I haven't the least idea.

Now, if you'll excuse me I will go indoors.

Look here. Stop talking like a book on deportment.

Janet .. Janet, my sweet. We must get out of all this.

I'm not your sweet.

No. You're right. You're not. You're a disagreeable little ..

You beast.

Janet.

You're behaving like a little ..

Aunt Mary. Darling.

Oh .. this is my fiancée Dallas Chaytor. My aunt, Mrs Jarrow.

How do you do. How do you do.

Would you like some tea? No. I had it on the train.

I always say that a meal on the train helps to pass the time.

Do you? Yes.

Of course, if you haven't much time to pass then it doesn't matter as much.

No. No.

Well uh .. I think if you'll excuse me I'd better go.

So that's the young man you are going to marry.

He seems a very interesting young man.

What's it all about?

Come on Janet. I may be old but I'm not blind.

Tell me.

Well aunt Mary, it's all this fuss about the wedding.

It seems to have killed something between Dallas and me.

When you married, did you have a quiet wedding?

No, I did not.

I had a slap-up affair at St Margaret's, Westminster with 200 guests.

And enough champagne to float the Queen Mary.

Didn't you hate it? I loved it.

My dear .. when it's all over and you're alone together you'll be alright.

I wonder.

Hello? Oh hello, Alice dear.

Yes, it's Florence speaking.

Yes, the whole family is coming.

Mary darling.

Oh, I'm so thankful to be here.

I always seem to travel in trains with people who eat sweets, and scrunch them.

I've been looking forward to this moment all day.

Arthur dear.

Ah Denys, my pet.

And John. Hello, aunt Mary.

Longer than ever.

Oh I forgot. John where's Virginia?

Who is Virginia? Virginia is my rabbit.

Who are you? This is Mrs Jarrow.

We call her aunt Mary, but she's just an old friend of the family.

She looks awfully amusing. Oh, thank you so much.

I find you amusing too.

Oh no, not them. Oh no.

We must draw the line somewhere.

You know, Florence has been on the phone for half an hour. It's time she stopped.

That's enough Florence dear. That's enough.

Marcia.

Mother.

Oh, hello Marcia. Marcia.

My sister. Marcia, dear.

Is Jim with you? No.

Mother. You'll all know sooner or later, so you may as well know it now.

I've left Jim for good.

Hello Marcia. Arthur, she's left Jim for good.

Why? I'll tell you why.

Dinner's at 7:30 every night you hear. Every night. That's when he likes it.

And if the gong goes, he looks at his watch and says "by Jove, I must wash".

Well dear, couldn't you remind him five minutes before?

I've tried but it is no use.

For many months I've lived in a quivering state of nerves.

Waiting for that gong for "by Jove, I must wash".

Marcia.

And that isn't all.

Every night after dinner we have coffee. Well, there's nothing unusual in that.

And yet, every night when he comes is he says .. "Ah coffee".

Night after night. Night after night.

I'm not a neurotic woman, but there's a break point and I reached it last night.

I've told Jim I'm leaving him and never want to see him again as long as I live.

And that's that.

And if you suggest Florence it's because I am going to have a baby, you're wrong.

Because I am not. Excuse me.

And as for marriage being a blessed state, Vicar.

Let me tell you here and now it is hell.

I came about the wedding rehearsal.

I've arranged it for 3 o'clock tomorrow afternoon.

Very nice Mrs Bute, but as you won't be able to see the bride coming in ..

I think you'd better take your cue from George.

I'll tell him to blow his nose loudly.

What an excellent idea. George.

George.

Stand over by the window, and when you see the bride coming, blow your nose.

Yes, sir.

Ah Mr Chaytor .. I'm afraid Janet is very late.

Oh really Virginia.

Oh John, do take Virginia, she's being so tiresome.

Hello .. may I sit here?

Oh yes, please do.

Do some places give you the feeling that you've been here before?

Well, I have been here before. Often.

Oh no. Flower means in another existence.

Oh.

In the reign of Ramses the 2nd.

I was a sacred cow.

Oh yes?

I mean sacred.

Really?

Good heavens.

And you, I wonder what you were?

I suppose I could have been a sacred bull.

Or couldn't I?

Flower .. what was I?

No, I should think you were something very immature. I wonder what you were.

You'll find them in the linen cupboard, Bella.

Arthur, take your muddy feet off there. They are not muddy.

No dear, but they are feet. Why aren't you at rehearsal?

Rehearsal? What rehearsal?

Oh the rehearsal .. is it three?

Long past. Hurry. They're waiting. Where's Janet?

That awful thing. Arthur.

Do you think Dallas's father sleeps on his back?

We've only one pair of sheets left and they have holes in them.

He might put his big toe through it. And then there's the marquee for the garden.

I thought Arthur we ought to have lemon squash as cousin Bob doesn't drink.

Mildred.

Mildred my dear.

Aren't we perhaps making too much fuss over this wedding?

Fuss? Nonsense. Someone has to organize things.

After all, we must get them married properly.

Yes my dear, but aren't Janet and Dallas more important than ..

Marquees and champagne and .. cousin Bob?

I don't know what you're talking about. There you are Janet.

You should be at the village hall now.

Don't fuss, mummy. Come along, dear.

I wonder if we ought to have more tongue than ham sandwiches?

People are so odd about ham.

Your mother's quite right. We mustn't keep Dallas waiting.

He might decide not to marry you. He might decide? Huh.

That would be funny.

Vicar, sorry we're late.

Very good of you to turn up. I hope you weren't bored waiting.

Come along children. Let's start the rehearsal.

Who's the best man?

Now Dallas, I say this to you.

"Wilt thou have this woman to thy wedded wife?"

Um .. down to ..

"So long as ye both shall live."

And you say: "I will".

I will.

Now Janet.

"Wilt thou have this man to thy wedded husband?"

You've got spot on your nose. Have I? How interesting.

You have no idea how funny you look.

And you say "I will".

I will.

Now I say "who giveth this woman to be married to this man?"

Oh, I'm sorry, but I suppose that's me.

Yes, but you don't say anything. You just give me her hand.

Are you sure? I feel certain I did it at Marcia's wedding.

Well, you shouldn't have done.

Now Dallas, you take her hand and repeat after me ..

I Dallas.

I Dallas.

Take thee, Janet Ermintrude.

Take thee Janet, uh .. To my wedded wife.

Is your second name "Ermintrude"? Yes. Any objections.

Ermintrude.

If you are being intentionally rude .. I doubt you're the soul of politeness.

And I didn't know I was marrying a giggling, smutty-faced boor.

I didn't know I was to wed a silly little schoolgirl.

Now children, pay attention.

Let's go back to where you give Dallas your hand.

Come along dear. Give him your hand.

Right.

Janet!

Leave this to me.

Hello dear. How did you get on? Marvellously. I slapped Dallas's face.

Did you dear? Fancy.

Did you say you slapped Dallas's face?

Yes, mummy. Hard.

Arthur, I can't have Janet going about slapping people's faces. Even in fun.

Well dear, I quite agree.

Well, explain yourself young woman.

I wonder how many marriages haven't been broken off at the last moment ..

Because the presents would have to be sent back.

Daddy.

Supposing I told you I had changed my mind and didn't want to get married?

I should say, very well then: don't.

You mean .. you wouldn't mind?

I'm only thinking I shouldn't have aunt Polly on my hands.

Daddy, I'm very miserable. Darling.

Why, what's the matter, dear? I don't know. I wish I did.

I suppose it is this awful wedding.

We may run away and be married at a registry office.

Oh no you don't, young woman.

A romantic refusal at the last minute is one thing.

But sneaking off and leaving everything after the money I paid out is another.

If you marry Dallas now, you marry him from here tomorrow morning at eleven.

With full regalia, in a dress costing 20 guineas.

Veil and extras. Standing afterwards in a marquee that cost 20 pounds to erect.

Eating a handsome lunch at four shillings a head.

And drinking champagne at 16 and 6 a bottle.

With the exception of 3 at 19 and 6 for the bride's father and special friends.

In fact .. behaving rationally.

And giving me my money's worth.

Daddy, you're wonderful. Nonsense.

I'm a businessman.

Run along.

Am I still allowed a last-minute refusal?

Yes.

Well.

We'll see.

Oh ..

Excuse me.

Dallas.

I ..

Well, well, well.

Hello you two.

Working up to the crisis?

I hear I'm to be chief chucker-out.

I'll try and keep the party clean.

What's the matter old boy? Swallowed the ring?

Couldn't you have arrived half an hour later?

Or better still, not at all.

Fifty thousand pounds gentlemen. Not a penny less.

Not a penny more.

That's an impossible figure Mr Chaytor. Quite impossible.

Very well, gentlemen. If that's how you feel, there is nothing more to be said.

Excuse me. Oh Miss Briggs.

I have an important engagement this afternoon. Can you tell me what it is?

Yes Mr Chaytor. You're going down to Throppleton to your son's wedding.

Oh yes, of course. I knew there was something.

Your train leaves in 12 minutes, Mr Chaytor. Do you think you ought to ..

Thirty-seven thousand. Five hundred.

My dear Mr Johnson, you must forgive me if I laugh.

Ha, ha. No. That's our final figure.

Absolutely final.

Mine is forty-five thousand. You said fifty thousand.

I have such a high regard for your firm, that I am prepared to take a loss.

Mr Chaytor. Yes, yes, what is it?

Your train. You have only ten minutes. It's alright, don't fuss me.

Now gentlemen, these two ships ..

We know all about the ships, Mr Chaytor.

And what's more, we know why you are selling them.

Hardly worthy of you Mr. Johnson.

I don't care for the insinuation.

In the world of commerce gentlemen, we buy and sell many commodities.

But there is a commodity called "truth".

A commodity I say .. called "truth".

Which can neither be bought nor sold.

And when I tell you gentlemen that my absolute, unalterable final, figure ..

Is 42,500 I speak no less than truth.

The simple truth gentlemen.

You may take it or leave it.

We take it.

Good. You shall have the contracts in the morning.

Allow me to congratulate you gentlemen, on an admirable bargain.

What am I doing with this?

Miss Briggs. What am I doing with these? Your son's wedding and you're late.

Of course. My son's wedding. How nice.

Well, goodbye gentlemen. Afraid you rather got the better of me.

Miss Briggs. Where am I going to?

Whiteways, Throppleton. The name is "Royd".

Waterloo?

No. Paddington, Mr Chaytor.

Right.

Throppleton.

Throppleton.

Throppleton.

Porter.

Put this in the car from Whiteways.

No car from Whiteways.

There must be. They know what time the train arrives.

Are you to do with this wedding?

I am the bridegroom's father if it interests you.

Well, there ain't no car for you whoever you be.

I'll take a taxi then. Taxi?

Ha-ha-ha.

How far is it? About a mile as the crow flies.

Through no fault of my own, I don't happen to be a crow.

Then it will be three miles. Right through the village.

The first big house you come to.

I'll walk.

Put this in the cloak room will you. Don't say it. I know.

There ain't no cloak room. Oh yes, there be.

No cloakroom in a big station like this? Then put it in.

It be closed.

Janet, for the hundredth time I ask what in the name of sanity is the matter?

I've told you. Nothing, nothing, nothing!

Yes, I know. But ..

Mind where you're going old boy.

Oh Janet, do stand still for a second.

I'm going mad.

Janet, we can't go on like this. No, I agree. We can't.

I can't hope to put things right with you in a mood.

So don't try. Janet, darling.

For heaven's sake don't be such a sloppy bore.

Alright, I won't.

Dallas.

It hurt you more than it hurt her.

So you saw?

Sit down and tell me all about it. Don't you think perhaps ..

Sit down.

Dallas, are you still in love with Janet?

Yes, I am.

At least for the person she used to be.

Not the little bundle of idiocies she is at the moment.

Now, young man. Listen to me.

I know more about the workings of the female mind than you will ever know.

When a girl gets married she's taking the most important step of her life.

Naturally, she's frightened.

How many times in the last few days have you told her that you love her?

Well, I haven't had much chance you see. Have you told her she's beautiful?

No, not lately. Now listen to me.

Every day, twice a day for the rest of your life, you must tell her two things.

"A" that you love her. And "B" that she's beautiful.

Run along. Begin now.

Don't let her talk until you have made love to her for at least half an hour.

Get her alone somewhere. That's easier said than done.

Well, take her out in your car. She wouldn't come.

Make her. Seize her by the scruff of the neck and dump her into it.

I can't.

You know, if you go on behaving like the "correct English gentleman" ..

There will be no wedding.

Abduct her.

Alright .. I will.

Supposing after I abduct her, she won't let me make love to her?

Well really. What a silly question ..

Janet.

I'm terribly sorry. That's alright.

Would you like to come for a drive? No thanks.

Oh.

Janet, there is something awful crawling on the back of your neck.

Take it off. Take it off me. Dallas, what are you doing? Stop it.

Mary. What was that scream? Scream, dear? I didn't hear anything.

Oh, if you didn't, I didn't.

Lunatic!

Idiot! He might have killed himself.

If this is your idea of a joke, it's not a good one.

It's not a joke. It's very serious.

At the first village I'll scream and get you arrested for stealing daddy's car.

We won't go through a village.

You can go along here for miles without seeing a soul.

A man must learn when and how to assert himself.

A man must learn when and how to assert himself.

Now Flower.

I wish to make it clear that I will not tolerate you looking at anyone else.

John dear, don't study too hard.


It's no use ringing. No-one will hear you.

I'd go straight in if I were you.

Ahem.

Ahem.

If a thing is worth doing .. I know, it is worth doing well.

I can't help feeling it was better the way we had it first.

Oh, mother. Do make up your mind.

One can't tell until one's seen it, can one.

Mrs Royd? Yes.

I can't talk to you just now. Now John, dear. Take your end.

I doubt you quite realize who I am. Yes. Yes I do. Perfectly.

John, don't give up at the first attempt.

If can you find a seat in the hall, when I've finished we can have a little chat.

A bit more to the right. Who was it, mother?

Only a man from the Wiltshire Herald. He wants an interview.

Marcia dear, come and help.

A man must learn when and how to assert himself.

What's that, John?

Mother.

Yes dear? I'm going to assert myself.

Yes. Do, dear.

Is that really necessary? Not in the least.

What exactly are you doing with my fiancée?

I don't really know. Better ask her.

What do you mean? I'd better ask her?

Now Flower .. once and for all I wish to make it clear I will not tolerate ..

Oh, Boofy.

Yes?

I say Boofy, old man.

I think, between you and me, there is something odd about that girl.

What?

Yes. I can't put my finger on it, but ..

Well, judge for yourself.

When you've gone, she asks me ..

How to keep a straight bat. So I show her.

And then I show her how to do a late cut.

And before I know where I am.

Miss Flower puts her arms around my neck.

Ruining the stroke.

Now, what do you think she was driving at?

You don't suppose she was making a pass?

Rat.

Did you say "rat"? I did say "rat".

Oh, I thought you said "rat".

I suppose you think that's funny? I don't think it's funny.

I don't think you're funny. I don't think anything is funny.

Look out, old boy. Here she comes.

Who are you?

I am Mr Chaytor. Dallas's father.

Yes, you might be.

Dammit, I am.

Where is he by the way? And where is his fiancée?

Why is everyone treating me as if I were a blasted piano-tuner?

I wonder if you could give us a hand with the piano?

Yes, I'm sure you would. Take your coat off.

I will do no such thing.

Mrs Royd.

Now John, what are you doing? No time for mooning. Come and help.

Mrs Royd, I think you ought to know ..

Yes, yes, I do know. Now you take the base. John you take the treadle.

Now try not to leave any finger marks. Now you push.

You pull, and I'll guide.

Now. A long push, a strong push and a push all together.

Mrs Royd.

Clumsy. You are being useful.

I think that's alright.

Yes. Couldn't be better. Now what's the next thing?

Oh, whoever put that there? It ought to be in Arthur's study.

Take it, will you. There's a dear.

Awful man. Aunt Polly's beautiful centrepiece.

What on earth ..?

Arthur, this wretched man smashed aunt Polly's centrepiece.

I'll report you to your newspaper. What's your name?

My name madam, since you ask.

Is William Frederick Davenport Chaytor.

Mr Chaytor?

Fancy being you all the time. You naughty man not to have told us before.

Arthur, imagine him playing a trick on us like that.

Oh don't bother about aunt Polly's centrepiece. That doesn't matter a bit.

I'm rather glad to have got rid of it.

This is my daughter Marcia. How do you do.

And my son John. He's to be best man.

Mr Chaytor.

This is my sister Florence and my little niece Miranda.

She's to be a bridesmaid.

Oh yes. Mr Chaytor.

And uh .. yes of course.

This is my husband - Mr Chaytor.

How do you do. And my son Denys.

And my cousin Mr Ponsonby. They're to be ushers.

Mr Chaytor. And now, finally ..

My daughter and your future daughter-in-law ..

Now where's Janet? Janet.

Janet! Where's Janet?

Janet.

I persuaded her to go to bed, Mildred. She had a headache.

Oh poor dear. I must go to her.

Don't disturb her. I gave her an aspirin.

I'm so sorry, she's gone to bed with a headache. You'll see her in the morning.

If there was a new moon, do you know what I'd wish?

I wouldn't tell you anyway, because then it wouldn't come true.

I want it to come true more than anything in the world.

Janet darling, I do love you so much ..

Do you know where we're going?

We're going to the flat.

Our flat.

Remember?

[ Breaking glass ]

What's the matter darling? I've broken something.

Oh it's not turning on. I'll light a candle.

Now then.

Oh, it's the dog.

Oh, not the dog?

Oh how maddening.

Never mind. Only cost a bob. I'll buy another one.

But it won't be the same dog.

No, not the same dog.

But it will be so like it that only a dog expert can tell the difference.

We couldn't stick his head on, could we? Well, let's see.

Darling.

Well, do you think we could?

Could what? Stick its head on.

Darling, do you realize ..

You've spoken to me?

You've smiled at me and you've kissed me. All in a few seconds.

You know .. I was getting seriously frightened.

I foresaw a lifetime of married silence.

Dallas .. are we going to be married?

But of course we are.

Don't you think it is too late?

Too late?

You see.

I feel as though everything has been spoilt.

Oh, not by us .. but by everybody else.

I don't know when this thing started but ..

Suddenly, it was there and ..

Everything that's happened since, has made it so much worse.

I suddenly stopped belonging to you.

But .. now we're here alone and ..

Everything seems so much simpler.

You see Dallas.

I never realized before what a public event marriage is.

Everybody has the right to ..

Fuss you, and paw you and leer over you, and ..

Mr Somebody's present being in place, the bridesmaid's hats looking sweet ..

Are just so much more important than the bride's feelings.

So long as the wedding goes without a hitch, everything is a howling success.

Darling .. I do understand.

But aren't you making those things just a little too important?

I know I'm being stupid, but ..

Somehow, everything this week seems to have revolved around the fact that ..

Well that ..

Tomorrow night.

I can't tell you why, but ..

It makes me almost hate you.

I suppose I should be grateful for the "almost".

Would you like everyone to think it was a platonic marriage between friends?

Yes I would.

I'd love to go round to all the guests and tell them that tomorrow night ..

We'll both be sleeping in separate hotels.

Then they'd be thoroughly disappointed.

Well.

Let's hang a large notice on the pulpit.

There you are you see. Even you make a joke of it.

I'm sorry my darling. I didn't mean to.

I do understand. Really I do.

Dallas.

Why have you been such a beast lately?

Well, I like that.

Oh, you silly little thing.

Why didn't you do that days ago?

I don't know.

Why are you crying? I don't know.

There's a lot of things you don't know, aren't there.

I wonder if you know for instance, that you are soaking my shirt.

Not that it's a very good shirt, because all the best ones are being kept for ..

Come on, brace yourself because I'm going to say it.

Our honeymoon.

Do you hear? Hmm.

I need a handkerchief.

My mother taught me never to blow on a borrowed handkerchief.

I have blown thank you.

Dallas .. I'm so happy here with you.

Let's stay here all night.

What's the matter?

I didn't quite catch it darling.

What did you say?

Let's stay here tonight.

Yes, that's what I thought you said.

You see, darling.

I feel sure that as soon as I go home I'll start feeling different and ..

And I want to be alone with you.

Dallas. Yes darling?

Why don't you say something?

Well.

You see, darling.

What I want to say is ..

Without mincing words ..

If you see what I mean.

Facing as it were ..

All the facts .. to be ..

To be quite frank, whichever way you look at it you see ..

Well.

Tonight isn't .. exactly tomorrow night.

Hmm. Just one more minute.

I do love this place.

Oh, alright then. Just ..

One more minute.

Isn't it funny.

How you can be so utterly happy ..

When you have been so utterly miserable.

Yes, I know.

Darling.

When you come down the aisle tomorrow ..

And you see me looking strange.

Probably very strange in a morning coat and a shocking tie that Denys chose.

But you will remember this.

You'll say to yourself.

I'll recognize him again in an hour or two.

Can you remember that?

Darling.


Janet.

Careful. I'll come and help you.

Oh, I'm going to give you such a talking-to my girl.

Oh! Good gracious.

Jim. Mrs Jarrow.

I do so apologize but I thought Marcia would be sleeping in the guest room.

Couldn't you have chosen a more civilized way to announce yourself?

I am most awfully sorry, but I must see Marcia. I didn't want to disturb anyone.

I've not slept a wink since she left me. She's in the room opposite. Apologize.

I don't know what to apologize for.

Don't apologize for anything in particular. Just apologize.

Go on.

And when you get her back.

Give her a surprise and don't wash until after dinner.

Or better still, not at all.

Darling, darling. I am most awfully sorry.

I say.

I am most awfully sorry.

Why?

Well, I thought you were Marcia.

Well, what fun. Marcia.

There's a man who seems to want you.

Ah .. ah ..

I beg your pardon. Jim.

I say, I am most awfully sorry. So there you are.

So I am.

Marcia darling, I do apologize. What for?

Everything. I must have been most frightfully irritating. - Jim.

I've been so unhappy since you left.

I knew something was wrong, but didn't know what to say.

Oh dear, now I don't know what to say.

And if I'm irritating in the future or I do something wrong just scream at me.

Please do it. I don't mind a bit. Darling, I've been such a brute.

No you haven't. I have. Definitely. But then ..

But then, you see it is not altogether my fault because ..

Well Jim .. I'm going to have a baby.

Marcia, my darling.

Oh, my darling.

I say. You know, I should never have known.

Oh darling, dearest, I say, by Jove ..

Now don't say "by Jove". The rest of it was lovely.

Oh darling, I'm going to take such great care of you.

Ouch! Oh, I am so sorry.

Oh yes. This is Jim, my husband.

How do you do? I'm so sorry I woke you.

But you see, we're going to have a baby.

Oh, I beg your pardon. Splendid darling, splendid.

Splendid.

I'm so sorry. Splendid.

I beg your pardon but I've only just been told.

What?

I'm going to have a baby. Isn't it marvellous?

I should call it a miracle.

Morning ma'am.

Miss Janet isn't in yet. You must help me, Bella.

We mustn't let anybody know. Especially her mother.

Keep her busy downstairs. Don't let her come in here, whatever happens.

Alright mum.

Well, love a duck, the way these girls do carry on, to be sure.

Oh .. mum. You'd better come to the kitchen quickly. It's the boiler.

What's wrong with the boiler? It's gone queer, making funny noises.

What sort of noises?

A sort of guggle-uggle.

Oh. Why of all days had it to choose today to go guggle-uggle?

May I come in? Yes, come in Mildred.

Morning Mary. You're up. Yes.

Well, where's Janet? She's in the bathroom.

Oh dear, I'm afraid she had a restless night.

Yes, I'm afraid she did.

Poor darling .. I'll come back later.

In a few minutes, all sorts of things will come crowding in on you again.

Aunt Florence.

Cutglass vases. Rows of guests.

I'm so happy that nothing else matters.

Darling, do be careful. The sign we just passed said "dangerous corner ahead".

Go slower.

Don't be nervous. I've been driving cars for ten years and never touched a thing.

Darling, are you alright? I think so.

What an extraordinary thing.

We only just touched the bank on the way round.

If it wasn't for this beastly thing in the middle of the road, we'd be alright.

Darling, it wasn't in the middle of the road.

What is it?

It looks like some sort of road sign or something.

Well, what does it say?

"Thank you".

Look, I told you that sign we passed ..

I still say it's a silly place to put it and a damned silly thing to say.

Now, we must get on.

Oh confound it.

Ah, a good fairy.

Good morning, Officer.

Hello Constable. Look, be a good chap and nip round to the nearest garage ..

And ask them to send somebody along.

And uh .. get yourself a drink.

Do hurry up. There's a dear.

May I trouble you for your driving license?

Yes, of course, yes.

I've got it here.

Funny, I can't find it.

Most peculiar .. oh, I know where it is.

It's in the bottom right-hand drawer of the chest of drawers in my bedroom.

As a matter of fact, I saw it only yesterday, underneath my braces.

"Underneath his braces."

And your name, sir? Ah, that I can give you.

Chaytor. Dallas .. Chaytor.

And this young lady is your wife?

Well .. not altogether.

Oh.

"Not altogether".

I suppose this is your car?

Well as a matter of fact. Rather funny you should ask that because ..

Well .. it isn't.

Well, not exactly.

I take it you have the owner's permission?

Well, yes, in a manner of speaking. But I didn't exactly ask him.

But I know he wouldn't mind. I mean ..

I wouldn't if it was my car and he had been me.

Which of course I admit he isn't, but still ..

If you know what I mean.

I now charge you .. with obstruction.

Driving without a license.

Driving in a manner dangerous to the public.

Being in possession of a car not your own property ..

Without the owner's position. Defacing a public sign.

To wit: a noticeboard inscribed with the words "Thank you".

Attempting to obstruct a Police Officer in the execution of his duties by ..

Proffering him a sum of money. To wit: a half a crown.

But that's ridiculous. Darling, did you hear?

I know, Dallas. But don't make a fuss now.

Tell him to send the bill or whatever he calls it on to you.

Alright.

Here's my card.

And now can we go?

Yes, you can go along with me and tell your story to the magistrates.

But I can't you blithering idiot. I am going ..

Well, I've got a very important appointment at 11 o'clock.

Well, you dealt the cards and you'll have to play them.

Oh hell.

What time does the sill old baskets sit, anyway?

If you're referring to the Magistrates.

The bench convenes at 10 o'clock.

And I shall now add the charge of using obscene language.

Now look here. And furthermore ..

With assaulting and battering a Police Officer in the execution of his duties.

Good morning, Miss Ellingworth. As elegant as ever.

If you want the best seats, we have them.

Call it, old boy. Heads.

It is.

I'll be bride.

Alright, and I'll be groom.

Isn't he a scream?

Good morning, George.

Good morning, sir.

I wonder where they keep the plate.

We're ushers old boy. We don't need a plate.

Oh, I don't know. We might make a little.

You're very early, aunt Florence.

I'm practising dear. Such an anxious morning.

I do hope it will breathe properly.

Oh dear. I was just going up to see Janet.

The first job I've had this morning.

Hello Bella .. why are you hovering about like that?

I didn't know I was hovering. Well, you are.

What is the matter with Bella?

She's done nothing but play peek-a-boo with me round doors with me all morning.

And I'm in no mood for nursery games.

Telephone. Oh dear.

Hello? Hello, yes?

Yes?

You want Mr Royd?

Alright I'll get him. What a time to ring up.

Arthur dear, you're wanted on the telephone.

That reminds me. The marquee.

Hello .. Mr Royd speaking.

Good Lord. What is it?

Janet.

Alright, I'll come at once. Where is she?

Excuse me. Good morning.

Mr Royd, I don't wish to appear unduly inquisitive.

But there is just one hour before the wedding of my son to your daughter.

And I have, I hope, a not-unnatural curiosity to meet my daughter-in-law.

Could you tell me where I can find her? Certainly.

I will take you to her.

Where is she?

She's at the Police Court with Dallas.

For heaven's sake, keep it from Mildred.

They've begun. Past ten.

Come along.

The car crashed into a noticeboard inscribed with the words "Thank You".

The words "Thank You"? Yes.

Hello father.

Silence please.

Proceed.

As I approached, the male defendant said to the female defendant.

"Ah .. a good fairy".

A good what?

Fairy, sir.

What did he mean by that?

I think he was referring to me, sir.

Very odd.

Someone was intoxicated.

Ah, yes, yes. Shocking.

Proceed.

The defendant then offered me this coin.

Suggesting I should buy myself a drink.

Ah .. I see.

Half a crown.

Look here, this is absurd. I wasn't trying to bribe him. I was only ..

You'll have plenty of time to give your evidence later.

I am the defendant's father. And there is not plenty of time.

He's an important engagement at 11 o'clock.

Please don't interrupt. You make it worse.

I am not interrupting. I'm just stating a fact.

And furthermore .. Silence!

Who's he?

I asked the defendant for his driving license, which he failed to produce.

Alleging it was in the right-hand drawer of the chest of drawers in his bedroom.

He further alleged he had seen the same only the day before under his braces.

Under his braces?

Peculiar.

Proceed.

I then asked the defendant his name.

Which he alleged was ..

Dallas.

Chaytor.

Dallas Chaytor? Sounds fishy.

What do you mean, fishy?

You've never heard of the firm of Chaytor, Davenport & Chaytor?

212 Throgmorton Street.

If you ask me: No.

Furthermore, one more interruption from you and you'll be arrested for contempt.

Proceed.

I then asked the male defendant, whether the car was his.

To which he replied "not exactly".

I inquired then if he had the owner's permission, to which he replied ..

That he, the defendant, had not actually asked him the owner.

But that he was sure that the owner wouldn't mind.

He meant, he alleged that he, the defendant, would not mind ..

If it had been his, the defendant's car if he the owner had been the defendant.

Which he, the defendant admitted he wasn't.

I'd bet that he wasn't .. Yes.

Would you repeat that.

Oh no, no. Please, please don't.

Quiet please!

Proceed.

I then charged him.

The female defendant instructed the male defendant to advise me to ..

Send the bill to him, the male defendant at this address.

He then handed me this card which reads ..

"Joe Walters."

"502 Jermyn Street."

"Always pay, never owe."

"That's the rule of Honest Joe."

But I understood the defendant alleged that his name was Davenport.

I never alleged any such thing.

This is a mistake. It's not my card. It is an advertisement that was sent to me.

Silence. Silence.

Oh that's funny.

I could have sworn that man shouted out that he was the defendant's father ..

And that his name was Davenport.

I think he said his name was Chaytor.

Chaytor? Oh.

Well then, who's this Honest Joe Walters? I can't get the hang of this.

I think he's a bookmaker. You know: 4-1 the field.

Oh I see, yes. Ha-ha.

Astonishing, the names these bookie fellows give themselves.

You know, I used to bet with a man whose name was "Faithful Freddy".

Yes.

Oh please, please.

This is absurd. Quiet, please!

I will not have the time of the court wasted in this way.

To make a long story short, I said to old Freddie ..

That's the last monkey you will ever make out of me.

I can tell you his face was a study. Ha-ha-ha.

Proceed.

Having charged and cautioned him, the male defendant turned nasty.

He alleged, using violent language ..

That he had a vital appointment at 11 o'clock.

I then informed him that he would have to appear before the bench.

To which he replied, referring to the bench ..

"Oh hell."

"What time do those silly old baskets meet anyhow?"

Oh.

What exactly is a basket?

Oh? Oh that.

Quite so.

I deny it.

I'm most terribly sorry. I didn't know what was saying.

In any case, it was only a joke.

I did not mean you were what I said you were.

Even if you were what I said you were.

And anybody can see you're not what he said you were.

Silence!

This has immensely increased the gravity of the case.

I will now adjourn the court for a quarter of an hour.

In order that I may consult my brother Magistrates.

My son stated you are silly old baskets and that is precisely what you are.

Silly old baskets.

Arrest that man and charge him with contempt of court.

Disgraceful scenes. Disgraceful.

Yes. Of course, the whole thing is as clear as daylight.

This young Joe Walters is in league with that fellow Davenport.

You know, the fellow who kept on interrupting.

Yes, and for the life of me, I cannot understand what he was driving at.

Something fishy, I'd be bound. Oh well, well.

I'll leave it to you two to settle.

The fact is I've got to go to some silly wedding.

Yes .. and don't let them off too lightly.

Especially that fellow Davenport.

The shiftiest customer I have ever set eyes on.

Bride or bridegroom? What's that?

Bride or bridegroom?

I'm .. well, what about them?

No, no. Whose friend are you?

I'm nobody's friend. I am Sir Robert McFarlane.

Sir Robert McFarlane and nobody's friend.

And now we come to the gravest charge of all.

Out of both your mouths ..

You stand convicted of casting aspersions on the ..

Legitimacy of this bench.

This amounts to contempt of court.

And is punishable by a term of imprisonment in the second division.

You will therefore pay a fine of half a crown.

And in conclusion, may I wish you baskets full of happiness.

Thanks awfully. Come on darling.

No accident can excuse the way you've behaved, Janet.

Where have you been? Daddy, don't be angry. I'm so happy.

You seem to treat this very casually. Sorry sir. We don't man to be casual.

But we can't say we're sorry. Young people only think of themselves.

What do you think your mother and I have been feeling?

Mummy doesn't know? As a matter of fact, she doesn't.

No thanks to you .. as I was saying ..

Duck!

Where's Janet?

Hello, aunt Mary.

You bad girl. I've kept it from your mother.

Your scheme worked, Mrs Jarrow.

So it's my scheme now? I like that. Be off with you.

What are you two doing joyriding in the bridal car?

Well dear, I wanted to be sure it would work.

And I needed some fresh air.

Well, I think it's ridiculous. And I'm sure it's bad luck.

Arthur, come upstairs and meet Janet. Arthur, leave Mildred to me.

Well, Bella?

Something dreadful in the kitchen. What is it?

You'll see. Oh Bella.

It's quite inconceivable, the number of things that can go wrong in one house.

Mildred.

Well Bella, what is it?

Arthur .. what on earth are you doing here?

Well dear, I saw you going towards the kitchen.

And I thought I'd .. nip round this way, and give you a surprise.

Well you have, but I can't see what you've gained by it.

Well Bella, what is it? I've forgotten.

You said it was something dreadful.

Really, I think you've all gone mad.

First, Bella says something horrible has happened and can't remember what it is.

And now you .. No. I'm going up to Janet.

One, two, three .. jump.

Janet.

Oh .. oh mummy.

Please don't come in. I don't want you to see me until I come down.

You make me feel nervous. Alright darling.

I only wanted to see how you were getting on. You are ready, aren't you?

Yes mummy. Practically.

I'll go down and collect the others. Oh, mummy.

Yes?

I ..

I must thank you for being so wonderful about the wedding and everything.

I'm sorry I've been so silly and peevish these last few days.

I know darling .. I know.

I was a bride myself once.

May you be very, very happy.

Bless you mummy.

It's alright Arthur. Janet's in her room and Mildred doesn't suspect anything.

What a relief .. you're just in time.

Now keep this a deadly secret. This is the real stuff.

Not what I give my guests. Reserved for me and my very special friends.

Dear Mary.

Arthur.

That's better. What should we do without you?

Besides being useful .. you're such a splendid decoration.

Oh do you like it? I bought it especially for you.

I knew no-one else would notice it.

May I make love to you? Oh Arthur.

Well, only very mildly.

I think I'd better kiss you now, because if I do it later ..

You will think it is the champagne.

Oh .. I see.

Would uh .. just there do?

Oh it would be lovely.

Oh Arthur, don't play about.

Flowers do brighten a place up so.

Look. What about Arthur James? Denys's friend?

One of his names must be Wilmington. It's an old family custom.

Oh well, we'll have to call him Arthur Wilmington then.

By Jove, splendid. Yes.

I mean, I entirely agree.

What exactly are you trying to lead up to?

My dear John, it's obvious we are quite unsuited to each other.

What?

You're a monogamist.

Frankly darling, I'm not.

Flower.

If you mean what I think you mean ..

And I thought you had a beautiful mind.

I loved you.

But I don't any more.

Do you hear? I think the whole church can.

I've forgotten the ring.

I'm so sorry .. oh, you again?

That is without exception the most unattractive young man I've ever met.

How much do I owe you for the use of this, uh .. vehicle?

Well, I'll leave that to you sir.

It's a tidy, hot day isn't it.

Here you are .. thank you.

Mummy, who is that man? Be quiet please.

Excuse me.

You have a very forceful personality.

Strike me pink. It's Davenport.

Why is it .. that when I pay twelve and eleven for a hat ..

It's a success and I wear it for years.

When I pay three guineas I can never wear it at all.

Expensive hats look alright in the shop and all wrong when you get them home.

I think they must fake the mirrors. Ha. Perhaps you're right.

There dear.

Aunt Mary, I feel frightfully suave. Do I look it?

Don't you mean "svelte"? Do I? Perhaps I do.

Anyhow, do I look it? Oh, svelte as svelte.

You look very lovely, my darling.

Don't be too nice to me, mum.

Bless you.

Darling aunt Mary.

I want to thank you for everything.

I do know now, that I want to marry Dallas.

What shall I say to you, young woman?

I don't know.

God bless you.

Will that do?

Daddy.

No, no, no. You mustn't cry.

I won't.

Have you got everything Janet?

Mummy.

Bye, dearest.

Remember not to mumble.

Arthur, follow directly behind us in the car.

Are you ready, Bella?

Oh Mildred .. your bouquet.

Oh Mary. Come along, Miranda.


I say .. I have .. forgotten the ring.

Where's Dallas?

He must be lurking behind a pillar. They always do.

There is no time for lurking.

Don't get nervous, daddy.

There he is. Oh.

Jumping Jehoshaphat. The bookie fellow.

I've got it, dad.

I've got it, old boy. 0h good.


Dearly beloved. We are gathered together here in the sight of God ..

And in the face of this congregation ..

To join together this man and this woman in holy matrimony.


-(s-d)-