Raising Arizona (1987) Script

My name is H I McDunnough.

Call me Hi.

The first time I met Ed was in the county lockup in Tempe, Arizona.

Don't forget his profile, Ed!

Turn to the right!

A day I'll never forget.

Turn to the right!

What kind of name is that for a pretty thing like you?

Short for Edwina. Turn to the right!

You're a flower, you are. Just a little desert flower.

Let me know how those come out.

Now, prison life is very structured more than most people care for.

But a spirit of comradery exists between the men like you find only in combat, maybe, or on a pro ball club in the heat of the pennant drive.

In an effort to better ourselves, we had to meet with a counsellor, who tried to help us figure out why we were the way we were.

And all Pancho wanted was a hot roll and butter.

So why do you use the word "trapped"?

Huh?

Why do you say you feel "trapped" in a man's body?

Well, sometimes I get the menstrual cramps real hard.

Have you learned anything, Hi?

Yes, sir. You bet.

You wouldn't lie to us, would you, Hi?

No, ma'am, hope to say.

OK, then.

HI: I tried to stand up and fly straight, but it wasn't easy with that son of a bitch Reagan in the White House.

I don't know. They say he's a decent man.

So maybe his advisers are confused.

Turn to the right.

What's the matter, Ed?

My fiance left me.

She said her fiancé had run off with a student cosmetologist who knew how to ply her feminine wiles.

The son of a bitch.

Don't forget his phone call, Ed!

Tell him I think he's a damn fool, Ed.

You tell him I said so, H I McDunnough.

And if he wants to discuss it, he knows where to find me.

The Maricopa County maximum security correctional facility for men, State Farm Road, No. 31, Tempe, Arizona. I'll be waitin'!

I'll be waitin'.

I can't say I was happy to be back inside, but the flood of familiar sights, sounds and faces almost made it feel like a homecomin'.

Most men your age are getting married and raising up a family.

Well, factually...

They wouldn't accept prison as a substitute.

Would any of you men care to comment?

Well, sometimes your career's gotta come before family.

Work's what's kept us happy.

HI: I tried to sort through what Doc Schwartz had said, but prison ain't the easiest place to think.

And when there was no meat, we ate fowl.

And when there was no fowl, we ate crawdad.

And when there was no crawdad to be found, we ate san'.

You ate what?

We ate san'.

You ate sand?

That's right.

Well, Hi, you done served your 20 months.

And seein' as how you never use live ammo, we got no choice but to return you to society.

These doors are gonna swing wide.

I didn't wanna hurt anyone, sir.

Hi, we respect that.

But you're just hurting yourself with this rambunctious behaviour.

I know that, sir.

OK, then.

I don't know how you come down on the incarceration question, whether it's for rehabilitation or revenge, but I was beginning to think revenge is the only argument makes any sense.

ED: Show the tattoo!

Turn to the right!

Don't forget his fingers, Ed.

Hear about the paddy wagon collided with the cement mixer, Ed?

Twelve hardened criminals escaped. l heard that one.

Got a new beau?

No, Hi, l sure don't.

Don't worry, l paid for it.

They say that absence makes the heart grow fonder.

And, for once, they may be right.

You missed a spot.

More and more my thoughts turned to Ed and I finally felt the pain of imprisonment.

Mama would throw the live crawdad in a pan of boilin' water.

Well, one day I decided to make my own crawdad.

And I threw it in a pot, without the water, you see?

And it was just like makin' popcorn, you see?

Yeah, the joint's a lonely place after lockup and lights out, when the last of the cons has been swept away by the sandman.

But I couldn't help thinkin' that a brighter future lay ahead.

A future that was only eight to fourteen months away.

They got a name for people like you, Hi.

That name is called "recidivism."

Repeat offender!

Not a pretty name, is it, Hi?

No, sir. That's one bonehead name.

But that ain't me any more.

Are you just tellin' us what we wanna hear?

No, sir, no way.

Cos we just wanna hear the truth.

Well, then I guess I am tellin' you what you wanna hear.

Boy, didn't we just tell you not to do that?

Yes, sir.

OK, then.

Turn to the right!

I'm walkin' in here on my knees, Ed, a free man, proposin'.

Howdy, Curt.

And so it was.

Don't forget the bouquet, Ed!

I do.

You bet I do.

OK, then.

Ed's pa staked us to a starter home in suburban Tempe and I got a job drillin' holes in sheet metal.

So we were doin' paramedical work with the state highway system.

Not actually practisin', you understand.

Me and Bill's patrollin' down Nine Mile...

Bill Roberts?

No, not that mother-scratcher. Bill Parker.

Anyway, we're approachin' the wreck and there's this spherical object restin' in the highway.

And it's not a piece o' the car.

Most ways, the job was a lot like prison, except Ed was waitin' at the end of every day and a pay cheque at the end of every week.

Government do take a bite, don't she?

These were the happy days, the salad days, as they say, and Ed felt that havin' a critter was the next logical step.

It was all she thought about.

Her point was that there was too much love and beauty for just the two of us.

Every day we kept a child out of the world was a day he might later regret havin' missed.

That was beautiful.

So we worked at it on the days we calculated most likely to be fruitful.

And we worked at it most other days, just to be sure.

Ed rejoiced that my lawless years were behind me and that our child-rearing years lay ahead.

And then the roof caved in.

Hi, I'm barren!

At first I didn't believe it.

That this woman, who looked as fertile as the Tennessee valley, could not bear children.

But the doctor explained that her insides were a rocky place where my seed could find no purchase.

Ed was inconsolable.

We tried an adoption agency.

It's true that Hi has had a chequered past.

But Ed here is an officer of the law twice decorated, so we figure it kinda evens out.

But biology and the prejudices of others conspired to keep us childless.

Our love for each other was stronger than ever.

But I preminisced no return of the salad days.

The pizzazz had gone out of our lives.

Ed lost all interest in both criminal justice and housekeepin'.

Soon after, she tendered her badge.

Even my job seemed as dry and bitter as a hot prairie wind.

So here's Bill, walkin' down Nine Mile.

That's Bill Parker, you understand.

He's got his sandwich in one hand and a fuckin' head in the other!

I even caught myself drivin' by convenience stores that weren't on the way home.

Then one day, the biggest news hit the state since they built the Hoover Dam.

The Arizona quints was born.

By "Arizona quints"

I mean they was born to a woman named Florence Arizona.

As you probably guessed, Florence Arizona is the wife of Nathan Arizona.

And Nathan Arizona... Well, hell, you know who he is.

So come on down to Unpainted Arizona to get the finest selection in fixtures and appointments for your bathroom, bedroom, boudoir.

And if you can find lower prices anywhere, my name ain't Nathan Arizona!

Owner of the largest chain of unpainted furniture and bathroom fixture outlets throughout the Southwest.

Yep, Florence had been takin' fertility pills and she and Nathan had hit the jackpot.

Now, y'all without sin can cast the first stone.

We thought it was unfair some should have so many while others should have so few.

With the benefit of hindsight, maybe it wasn't such a hot idea.

But, at the time, Ed's little plan seemed like the solution to all our problems and the answer to all our prayers.


800 leaf tables and no chairs?

You can't sell leaf tables and no chairs.

Chairs, you got a dinette set. No chairs, you got dick!

I ask my wife, she got more sense.

Miles, alls I know is I'm away from the office for a few days to play with my kids and everything goes straight to heck!

I won't stand for it!

If a frog had wings, it wouldn't bump its ass a-hoppin'.

I am sick of your excuses, Miles!

It is now precisely 8.45 in the PM.

I'm gonna be down that store in exactly 12 hours to kick me some butt!

Or my name ain't Nathan Arizona!

Sounds like Larry.

No, no, no, no, no.

Quiet, quiet, quiet.

Quiet, quiet.

OK, all right.

Quiet, quiet, quiet.

That's it. Good.

Here's a rattle. A rattle.

OK? Good.

No, no. Quiet, quiet.

Come here.


Please come here. Come here.


Why don't you go up and check on 'em? They sound restless.


What's the matter?

I'm sorry, honey. It just didn't work out.

What do you mean it didn't work out?

Well, they...

They started cryin' and they were all over me.

It was kinda horrifyin', honey. Let me in.

Of course they cried. Babies cry.

Well, I know that.

Come on, honey. We'd better leave.

Go back and get me a toddler.

I need a baby, Hi. They got more than they can handle.

Honey, I...

Don't you come back here without a baby!


Christian Dior, my butt!

They pay money for that?

Yes, dear.

How're the kids?

Fine, dear.

Which one you get?

I don't know. Nathan Junior, I think.

Gimme here.

Here's the instructions.

Oh! He's beautiful.

Yeah, he's awful damn good. I think I got the best one.

I bet they were all beautiful. All babies are beautiful.

This one's awful damn good.

Don't you cuss around him.

He's fine, he is. I think it's Nathan Junior.

We are doin' the right thing, aren't we, Hi?

They had more than they could handle.

Well, honey, we've been over this.

There's what's right and there's what's right.

Never the twain shall meet.

But don't you think his mama'll be upset?

Well, of course she'll be upset, sugar, but she'll get over it.

She's got four little babies almost as good as this one.

It's like robbin' convenience stores.

I love him so much!

I know you do, honey.

I love him so much!

I know you do.


OK. Bring him in!

This is it, young Nathan Junior!

You can feast your eyes about, old boy!

Don't be so loud around him.

Damn, I'm sorry.

Don't cuss around him.

He don't know a cuss word from Shinola.

Well, you see that he don't.

I wanna hold him too.

Well, mind his little fontanelle.

He's all right, he is.

Come on over here, young Nathan Junior. I'm gonna show you around.

Lookee here, young sportsman.

That there's the kitchen area, where Ma and Pa chow down.

This here's the TV.

Two hours a day maximum, either educational or football, so as you don't ruin your appreciation of the finer things.

And this here's the divan, for socialisin' and relaxin' with the family unit.

Yes, sir. Many's the day we sat there and we said

"Wouldn't it be nice to have a youngster to share our thoughts and feelings?"

He's tired, Hi.

Well, I'll just sit you right there, boy.

Just put those dogs up and take a load off.


What, are you kiddin'? We got us a family here!

He's a scandal, honey. He's a little outlaw.

No, he's a good boy.

He ain't too good. You can tell by that twinkle in his eye.

Don't you think we oughta put him to bed?

Hang on, honey.

Let's just preserve the moment in pictures.

Just one, OK?

I gotta tell ya I'm a little scared, Hi.

How come is that, honey?

Well...

We got a baby, Hi. It's an awful big responsibility.

Honey, could you slide over a tad and raise the nipper up?

I mean, we never done this before and I'm kinda nervous.

You're doin' real good, sugar.

l love you, Hi.

We're set to pop here, honey.

Now, you're gonna help, aren't you?

How's that, honey?

Contribute to the management of the child.

Quiet evenings together.

You can count on it.

Everything decent and normal from here on out.

We're set to pop here, honey.


OK.

What is she?

Station wagon. Looks nice.


Open up! It's the police!

Hi, what's goin' on? You stay in here.

Open up!

They ain't gonna split up the family.

Open up in there!

I'd like to see 'em try.

Open up! Maybe we'll let you plea bargain!

Hi there, you old woodpecker!

Boys!

Gale, don't make me sick!

Asshole!

Honey, I'd like you to meet Gale and Evelle Snopes.

As fine a pair as ever broke and entered!

Boys, this here's my wife.

Ma'am. Ms McDunnough.

Kinda late for visitors, isn't it, Hi?

Well, yeah, honey.

But these boys just got outta the joint, so we gotta show a little hospitality.

Well, now, H I. Looks like you've been up to the devil's business.

EVELLE: Hey, is that a him or a her?

It's a little boy.

Got a name, does he?

So far we just been usin' Junior.

We call him Junior.

You mean JR, just like the TV show?

That's good!

"Welcome home, son."

Where's he been?

Phoenix. Tulsa.

He was visitin' his grandparents.

They're separated.

That'd be your folks, ma'am.

No, I'm afraid not.

Well, you said your folks was dead, H I.

Well, we thought Junior should see their final restin' place.

Why don't you boys have a seat?

Hi, it's two in the mornin'.

What's that smell?

We don't always smell this way, Ms McDunnough.

I was explainin' to your better half that, when we were tunnellin' out, we happened to hit the main sewer line. Dumb luck, that.

And we followed that to...

You busted outta jail?

No, ma'am. We released ourselves on our own recognisance.

What Evelle is tryin' to say is we felt the institution no longer had anything to offer us.

My Lord, he's cute!

He's a little outlaw. You can see that, Hi.

Now, listen, you folks can't stay here.

Ma'am? You just can't stay.

I appreciate you bein' friends of Hi an' all, but this is a decent family now.

I mean, we got a toddler here.

Say, who wears the pants round here, H l?

Honey, these boys just got outta the joint.

Don't "honey" me!

Now you boys can sit awhile and catch up, but then you be on your way.

Got you on an awful short leash, don't she, H l?

They still here?

Yeah. They're just gonna stay a day or two, honey.

It's rainin' out, they got nowheres to go.

They're fugitives, Hi. How're we gonna start a new life with them around?

Well, now, honey, you gotta have a little charity.

You know, in Arab lands, they'd set out a plate.

Promise just a day or two.

Tonight and tomorrow, tops.

That night I had a dream.

I drifted off, thinkin' about happiness, birth and new life.

But now I was haunted by a vision of...

He was horrible.

The lone biker of the Apocalypse.

A man with all the powers of Hell at his command.

He could turn the day into night and lay to waste everything in his path.

He was especially hard on the little things, the helpless and the gentle creatures.

He left a scorched earth in his wake, befoulin' even the sweet desert breeze that whipped across his brow.

I didn't know where he came from or why.

I didn't know if he was dream or vision.

But I feared that I myself had unleashed him.

For he was the fury that would be, as soon as Florence Arizona found her little Nathan gone.

Father sits at his cabin door Wiping his tear-dimmed eyes For his only son soon shall walk To yonder scaffold rise You all right?

Well, he's all right.

He was just havin' a nightmare.

My race is run beneath the sun The scaffold now waits for me For I did murder that dear little girl Whose name was Rose Connelly Sometimes it's a hard world for little things.

Now, the missis and the rest of the kids have left town to I ain't sayin' where.

They'll be back here when we're a nuclear family again.

Mr Arizona, which tot was abducted?

Nathan Junior, I think.

Anything to say to the kidnappers?

Yeah. Watch your butts!

It's rumoured your son was abducted by UFOs.

Would you care to comment?

Don't print that, son.

If his mama reads that, she's just gonna lose all hope.

Sir, we really need to ask you some more questions.

But remember it's still business as usual at Unpainted Arizona.

If you can find lower prices anywhere, my name still ain't Nathan Arizona!

Mr Byrum here can take your exemplars while you talk.

Just relax your hand. I'll do the work.

What is this? I didn't steal the damn kid!

Sir, these men are with the FBI.

Are you crazy? Alls I know is, l wake up and my wife's screamin'.

We just need to distinguish your prints from the perpetrator, if they left any.

Of course. I know that.

Sir, were you born Nathan Huffhines?

Yeah, I changed my name. What of it?

Can you tell us why?

Yeah. Would you buy furniture at "Unpainted Huffhines"?

I'll get to the point.

Was the child wearing anything?

Nobody sleeps naked in this house!

I'll ask the questions!

To put an APB out, l need a description.

We're better trained to intervene in a crisis situation.

What was he wearing?

A dinner jacket. What do you think? His damn jammies!

He was wearing his jammies. Happy?

Any disgruntled employees?

Hell, they're all disgruntled. I ain't runnin' a daisy farm.

I say do it my way or watch your butt!

So it might have been an employee?

Without my say-so, they wouldn't piss with their pants on fire.

What did the pyjamas look like?

I don't know. They were jammies!

They had Yodas and shit on 'em.

Get your damn feet off my coffee table!

Ron, you are upsetting the victim!

Are you boys gonna chase your leads or sit drinkin' coffee in the one house in the state where I know my boy ain't at?

Well, we don't have any leads as yet, aside from the coat.

Gimme that! That's a $500 camel's-hair coat.

Sir, you might want to wash your hands at this point.

Goddammit!

No leads!

Everyone leaves microbes and whatnot. Hell, that's your forte, ain't it?

Trackin' down microbes left by criminals and commies and shit.

That's your whole raison d'ĂȘtre, ain't it?

No leads!

I want Nathan Junior back! Or whichever the hell one of 'em they took!

He's out there somewhere. Somethin' leads to him!

Anyone can find him knows the difference between a lead and a hole in the ground!


Awful good cereal flakes, Ms McDunnough.

Why ain't you breast-feedin'?

You appear to be capable.

Mind your own business.

Ma'am, you don't breast-feed him, he hates you later.

That's why we wound up in prison.

Anyway, that's what Doc Schwartz tells us.

Boys.

Mornin', Hi.

Hi.

Oh, yeah.

Say, boys...

You wouldn't mind makin' yourselves scarce for a coupla hours this afternoon, would ya?

We're havin' some decent friends over.

What Ed means to say is, seein' as you two boys are wanted, it wouldn't exactly do to have folks seein' you here.

It's for your own protection.

Sure, H I.

Anything you say, Hi.

Matter of fact, honey, I think I'll skip this little get-together myself.

Glen won't mind.

I'll just duck out with the boys, knock back a coupla co-colas.

GALE: Sure, H I.

We'd love to have you, Hi.

Maybe that ain't such a swell idea, either.

So many social engagements, so little time.

Where's that baby? Where is he at?

Go find him, honey!

Cut it out, Glen!

He's asleep right now.

Shit! I hope we didn't wake it!

Can I just sneak a peek-a-loo?

Come on, kids!

Get away from Mr McDunnough's car!

What's his name?

Hi...

Hi Junior, till we think of a better one.

Why don't ya call him Jason? I love biblical names.

If I had another little boy, I'd name him Jason, Caleb or Tab.

He's an angel! He's an angel straight from heaven!

Now, honey, I had all my kids the hard way.

Tell me how you got this little angel.

Did he fly straight down from heaven?

Well...

You're gonna send him to Arizona State.

Gimme a Twinkie!

You need a beer, Glen?

Does the Pope wear a funny hat?

Yeah, Glen, l guess it is kinda funny.

Say, that reminds me.

How many Polacks does it take to screw up a light bulb?

I don't know, Glen. One?

No, it takes three.

I told it wrong. I'll start again.

How come it takes three Polacks to screw up a light bulb?

I don't know, Glen.

Cos they're so darn stupid!

Shit, man! Listen up! What's the matter? Don't ya get it?

No, Glen, l sure don't.

Well, shit, man.

I guess that's why they call it a way-homer.

Why's that?

Cos you only get it on the way home.

I'm already home, Glen.

You wet yourself! You wet yourself!

Mr McDunnough wet himself, Daddy!

Say, that reminds me. How'd you get that kid so fast?

Me and Dot went to adopt, somethin' wrong with my semen.

They said we had to wait five years for a healthy white baby.

I said "Healthy white baby, five years? OK, what else you got?"

They said they got two Koreans and a Negro born with his heart on the outside.

It's a crazy world.

Someone oughta sell tickets.

Sure. I'd buy one.

That Buford's a sly one. He already knows his ABCs. Watch this.

Hit the deck, boy!

But like I'm sayin', how'd you get the kid?

Well, this whole thing is just who knows who.

Then over here you have favouritism.

Ed has a friend at one of the agencies.

Maybe she can help me and Dot.

There's somethin' wrong with my semen.

What you gonna name it?

Ed. Ed Junior.

But I thought you said it was a boy.

Well, as in Edward. We just like that name.

It's a good one. I don't really need another kid, but Dot says these are gettin' too big to cuddle.

Say, that reminds me...

Mind you don't cut yourself, Mordecai.

Then there's diphtheria-tetanus, what they call dip-tet.

They need dip-tet boosters yearly, or they develop lockjaw and night vision.

Then there's the smallpox vaccine, chicken pox and measles.

If your kid's like ours, you'll have to get all those shots before he'll take 'em.

Who's your paediatrician?

We ain't exactly fixed on one yet, have we?

No, I guess we don't have one yet.

Jesus! Well, you gotta have one this instant!

What if the baby gets sick, honey?

Even if he don't, he's gotta have his dip-tet.

He's gotta have his dip-tet, honey.

You started his bank accounts yet?

Have we done that? We gotta do that.

What's that for, Dot?

His orthodonture and his university.

Use iodine, you might save on orthodonture.

Won't knock a thing off the university.

Riley! You take that diaper off your head!

You put it back onto your sister!

Anyway, you probably got the life insurance all squared away.

Have we done that yet, honey?

Gotta do that, Hi.

Ed's got her hands full with this angel.

Yes, ma'am.

What would Ed and little angel do if a truck splattered your brains over the interstate?

Yeah, honey. What if you get run over?

Or you got carried off by a twister?

Say, that reminds me. You hear about the person of Polish persuasion?

He walks into a bar with this big pile of shit in his hand and says "Look what l almost stepped in!"

Yeah, that's funny all right.

Damn right! Shit, man, what's the matter?

I don't know.

Maybe it's the wife, kids, family life. I mean...

Are you satisfied, Glen?

Don't you ever feel suffocated?

Like there's somethin' big pressin' down?

Yeah, I do know that feelin'.

And I told Dot to lose some weight, but she don't wanna listen.

No, man, l know what you mean.

You got all these responsibilities now.

You're married, you got a kid, it looks like your whole life is set down...

Where's the excitement?

Yeah, Glen, l guess that's it.

OK, that's a disease, but you got a cure.

Yeah?

Dr Glen is here to tell you that you can heal thyself.

What do I gotta do?

Well, you just gotta broaden your mind.

Say if I was to ask you "What do you think about Dot?"

Well, she's a fine woman you got there.

OK, now you might not know it to look at her, but she's a hellcat.

That right?

T-l-G-E-R.

Well, what's that gotta do with...

Now, don't rush me.

The thing about Dot is...

She told me this. She thinks...

She thinks you're cute.

Yeah?

I'm crappin' you negative. And I could say the same thing about Ed.

What are you talkin' about, Glen?

What am I talkin' about?

I'm talkin' about sex. What are you talkin' about?

I'm talkin' about l'amour.

I'm talkin' that me and Dot are swingers.

As in, to swing. I'm talkin' about wife-swappin'.

I'm talkin' about what they call now "open marriage..."

Keep your goddamn hands off my wife.

I was only tryin' to help! You're crazy!

You're crazy, man!

Keep your goddamn hands off my wife!

You're crazy! I pity you!

We finally go out with some decent people and you break his nose.

That ain't funny, Hi.

His kids seemed to think it was funny.

Well, they're just kids.

You're a grown man with responsibilities. Whatever possessed ya?

He was provokin' me.

How'd he do that?

Never mind.

But, Hi, he's your foreman.

He's just gonna fire you now.

I expect he will.

Where does that leave the three of us?

Where does that leave our entire family unit?

With a man for a husband.

That ain't no answer.

Honey, that's the only answer.

That ain't no answer.

With a man for a husband.

Nathan needs some Huggies.

I'll be out directly.

Mind you stay strapped in.

Wake up, son.

I'll be takin' these Huggies and whatever cash you got.

"No, no, not by the hair on my chinny-chin-chin" said the little pig.

Look at that. Look at him.

"Then I'll..."

"Then I'll huff and I'll puff and I'll blow your house in."

That son of a bitch.

That son of a bitch!

You son of a bitch!

Better hurry it up. I'm in Dutch with the wife.

You son of a bitch!

Come on now!

Honey?


That son of a bitch.

Hold on, Nathan. We're gonna go pick up Daddy.

Son, you got a panty on your head.

Just drive fast, OK?

Wait. There's the wife.

Honey! Mind the baby now!

Hang on, Nathan. We're gonna take a short cut.

Can I stop now?

Thank you.

That's private property, son.

Come out to the street and reveal yourself to Officer Steensma and Officer Scott.

Son of a bitch!


Thank you, honey, but you really didn't have to do this.

Son of a bitch! What if me and the baby had been picked up?

Turn left here.

He'd be accessory to armed robbery.

It ain't armed robbery if the gun ain't loaded.

What kind of home life is it for a toddler?

You supposed to be an example.

For what?

I never postured myself as a three-piece suit type. Turn right, honey.

We got a child now! Everything's changed!

Nathan Junior accepts me for what I am.

And I think you better had too.

You know, honey, I'm OK, you're OK.

That there's what it is.

I know, but, honey...

See, I come from a long line of frontiersmen.

Here it is, dear. Turn here.

Frontiersmen and outdoor types.

I'm not gonna live this way, Hi. It just ain't family life.

Well, it ain't Ozzie and Harriet.


You two are leavin'.

I got nothin' against you, but you're wanted by the authorities.

And you're a bad influence in this household in my opinion.

Well, ma'am...

We sure didn't mean to influence anybody.

And if we did, ma'am, we apologise.

I'm goin' tomorrow to see about shots for the baby.

When I come back, you better be gone.

What's he need, his dip-tet?

I'm awful sorry, boys, but when Ed gets mad, you know, she gets an idea.

There ain't a thing to apologise for, H I.

Seems pretty clear what the situation is here.

Yeah. I guess the missis wants us to clear out.

Now, H l, if you'll pardon me for sayin' so, l get the feelin' that this ain't workin' out.

Edwina's generally a real sweetheart.

And, as per usual, l wouldn't be surprised if the source of the marital friction weren't financial.

As a matter of fact, l did lose my job today.

Hi, you're young and you got your health.

What you want with a job?

But I'd rather light a candle than curse your darkness.

Now, as you know, Evelle here and I never go anywhere without there's a purpose.

And here we are in your little domicile.

We come to invite you in on a little score.

A bank, H I.

Come on now!

I know you're partial to convenience stores, but dammit, H l, the sun don't rise and set on the corner grocery.

It's like Doc Schwartz says, you gotta have a little bit of ambition.

We just watchin' on the news.

Somebody snatched up one of them Arizona babies.

For chrissakes.

That there's somebody who's thinkin' big.

And here you are, sittin' on your butt, playin' house with a, don't get me wrong, H l, with a fine woman, but a woman who needs one of them button-down types.

I don't particularly think that's any of your...

Hold on, H I. Now lookee there.

That's a picture of El Dorado.

The locals call it the Farmers and Mechanics Bank of La Grange.

Looks like a hayseed bank. Tell you the truth, it is a hayseed bank.

But the last Friday of every financial quarter, it has more cash than flies at a barbecue.

And guess what day it is tomorrow.

When all the hayseeds come in and cash their farm subsidies cheques.

A1 information, Hi.

Got it in the joint from a guy named Lawrence Spivey, one of Dick Nixon's undersecretary of agricultures.

In for soliciting sex from a state trooper.

Ordinarily we don't associate with that type of person, but he was tryin' to make a few Brownie points.

Boys, I can't.

Hi, we need someone handy with a scatter-gun, coverin' them hayseeds, while we go in there and get that cash.

You understand, H l?

If this works out, it's just the beginning of a spree to cover the entire Southwest.

And we keep goin' until we can retire or we get caught.

Either way, we're fixed for life.

Boys, it's a kind offer, but you're suggesting l just up and leave Ed.

And that'd be pretty damn cowardly, wouldn't it?

Would it? Think about it, H I.

Seems to me sittin' here you ain't doin' her any good.

And you ain't bein' true to your own nature.

My dearest Edwina, tonight, as you and Nathan slumber, my heart is filled with anguish.

I hope that you will both understand, and forgive me for what I have decided I must do.

By the time you read this, I will be gone.

I will never be the man that you want me to be.

The husband and father that you and Nathan deserve.

Maybe it's my upbringing.

Maybe it's just that my genes got screwed up.

I don't know.

But the events of the last day have showed amply that I don't have the strength of character to raise up a family in the manner befitting a responsible adult.

I say all this to my shame.

I will love you always, truly and deeply.

But I fear that, if I stay, I would only bring bad trouble on the heads of you and Nathan Junior.

I feel the thunder gathering even now.

If I leave, hopefully, it will leave with me.

I cannot tarry.

Better I should go, send you money and let you curse my name.

Your loving...

Herbert.


Mr Arizona, he just barged in. Should I call Duane?

Hell, no. Why wake the security guard?

I'll take care of this.

You got flies.

I doubt it.

This place is climate-controlled. All the windows are sealed.

Who the hell are you?

Smalls. Leonard Smalls.

My friends call me Lenny. But I got no friends.

Stop. You're gonna make me bust out cryin'.

Listen, Leonard you want some furniture or a shit-box, they're on the sales floor.

I'm not a customer. I'm a manhunter.

Now, of course, I do hunt babies on occasion.

I hear you got one you can't put your hand to.

What do you know about it?

That's my business.

I'm a tracker, and some say part hound dog.

But when some dink busts outta the joint, skips bail, I'm the one they call.

Mister, l got the cops, state troopers, Federal Bl, already lookin' for my boy.

Now if you got information...

The cops won't find your boy.

A cop couldn't find his butt if he had a bell on it.

You wanna find an outlaw, you call an outlaw.

You wanna find a Dunkin' Donuts, call a cop.

Smalls, first off, get your damn feet off my furniture.

Second off, it's widely known l posted a 25-grand reward for my boy.

Now if you can find him, claim it.

Short of that, what have we got to talk about?

Price. Fair price.

That's not what you say it is.

That's what the market will bear.

Simple economics.

Now there are people, and, mind you, I know 'em, that'll pay a lot more than $25,000 for a healthy baby.

What are you after?

I'll give you an idea.

As a pup, I myself fetched $30,000 on the black market.

That was 1954 dollars.

Now, for 50 grand, I'll track him and I'll find him.

And the people that took him I'll kick their butts.

No extra charge.

And if I don't pay?

I'll get the boy regardless.

And if you don't pay, the market will.

You wanna know what I think?

I think you're an evil man.

I think this is nothin' but a goddamn screw job.

I think it's a shakedown.

I think you're the one that took Nathan Junior and I think you're the one that's gonna get his butt kicked.

I think I'm on the phone to the cops right now.

Up and at 'em, H l! Today's the first day of the rest of your life.

Already you're messin' it up.

Missis gonna be back from town soon.

Where's the baby?

In the bedroom in his crib.

He's sawin' toothpicks. He'll be fine.

You expectin' anyone?

No.

You two stay outta sight.

Mornin', Glen.

I ain't comin' in, if you don't mind.

I'll just keep my distance.

I didn't invite ya in, Glen.

Don't even bother.

First off, you're fired, and that's official.

I kinda figured that, Glen.

Well, that ain't the reason l come out here. No, sir!

No. You're in a whole shitload of trouble, my friend.

Why don't ya just calm down?

Why don't you just make me?

You know that little baby you got in there? Remember?

I know what his real name is!

You wanna keep your voice down, Glen?

I'll pitch my voice wherever I please!

His name ain't Hi Junior, it ain't Ed Junior, but it's Junior, all right.

It's Nathan Junior!

You stay away from me, McDunnough!

Yeah. You're an awful big man when you got somethin' around to clobber a guy with!

I ain't a big man.

That's right.

And now you're at my mercy.

I'm your worst nightmare. I was gonna turn you in for the reward, but Dot wants somethin' to cuddle.

I guess we'll be callin' the baby Glen Junior from now on!

I'll give you a day to break the news to Ed!

Dot'll be around tomorrow to pick him up.

Either that, or you go to jail.

Say, that reminds me.

You'll be gettin' a doctor bill in the mail in a few days.

I recommend you pay it!


What's goin' on here?

It's just business.

This'll go hard or easy, H I.


Sweet Lord!


She'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes Oh, when she comes She'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes Good!

I know you're worried, but we're gonna get him back.

There ain't no question about that.

We will. That's all there is to it. And another thing, I'm gonna be a better person from here on out.

That's the way it's gonna be. It's official.

You were right. A blind man could tell ya that.

They won't hurt him. They're in it for the score.

But I'm a changed man. You were right, I was wrong.

We got a family here. I'm gonna start actin' responsibly.

So let's go, honey. Let's go get Nathan Junior!

All have chicken and dumplings Yeah, we'll all have chicken and dumplings when she comes Yeee-hoo!

I lurve to drive.

Boy, you sure said somethin' there, partner.

Yes, sir.

I figure between the ransom and this bank, you and I'll be sittin' in the fabled catbird seat.

Gale.

Junior just had an accident.

What's that, partner?

He had hisself a little ol' accident.

What do you mean? He looks OK.

No, you see, movin' though we are, he just went and had hisself a little old rest dump.

Well, that's natural.

Gale?

What now, little brother?

He smiled at me.

The kid smiled at me.

Come here, boy. Nice.

Do you know how to put these things on?

Around the butt and up over the groin area.

Shoot, I know where they go, old-timer.

I just wanna know whether l need pins or fasteners.

Well, no.

They got tapettes already on there.

It's self-contained and fairly explanatory.

Uh-huh.

Balloons. Hey, these blow up into funny shapes at all?

Well, no, unless round is funny.

I'll take these too.

All right, now.

Now you just lie down back there, old-timer.

Yes, sir.

All right, I want you to count up to

825 and then on back down to zero.

OK, then.

I'm gonna come back in five and check to see you ain't cheatin'.

Hurry up!

He's a cheerful little critter once he warms up to you.

I don't know how high this one can count.

Six Mississippi, seven Mississippi, eight Mississippi, nine Mississippi...

Got some baby grub, baby wipes, got them diapers, them disposable kind.

I got me a packet of balloons.

They blow up into funny shapes at all?

No, just circular.

Say where's Junior?

What do you mean? Didn't you put him in?

No, I thought...

Where'd we leave him?

No!


801 Mississippi, 800 Mississippi

Junior!

791... Oh, bullshit!

790 Mississippi...

787 Mississippi...

Baby! Baby!

Baby! Baby!

Promise we ain't ever gonna leave him, Gale.

Promise we ain't never gonna give him up.

We ain't gonna give him up again, Evelle.

He's our little Gale Junior now.

Ed.

I realise I can't be much of a comfort to you now.

But let me just say this.

You'll feel a whole lot better...

I don't wanna feel better.

Honey...

I don't care about myself any more.

I don't care about us any more.

I just want Nathan Junior back safe.

I know that.

If we don't get him back safe, l don't wanna go on livin'.

And even if we do get him back safe, I don't wanna go on livin' with you.

I guess l still love you, Hi.

I... I know I do.

I ain't even blamin' you.

The whole thing was crazy and the whole thing was my idea.

Well, factually, l myself bear a very large...

Let me finish.

Ever since those jailbirds took little Nathan, I been thinkin' and I ain't too proud of myself.

Even if Mrs Arizona had more than she could handle, l was a police officer, sworn to uphold the Constitution of the United States.

Now, honey, you resigned before we ever...

That ain't the point, Hi.

We don't deserve Nathan Junior any more than those jailbirds do.

If I'm as selfish and irresponsible as you...

You're not that bad.

If I'm as bad as you, what good are we to each other?

You and me is just a fool's paradise.


There she is. Yep.

Well, let's do her.

What are we gonna do with Gale Junior?

He stays here.

Are you crazy?

Supposin' we go in there and get ourselves killed.

It'd be hours before he was discovered.

All right, you hayseeds, it's a stick-up!

Everybody freeze! Everybody down on the ground!

Well, which is it, young feller?

You want I should freeze or get down on the ground?

I mean to say, if I freeze, l can't rightly drop, and, if I drop, I'm gonna be in motion. You see?

Shut up! OK, then.

Everybody down on the ground!

You can forget that part about freezin'.

That is till they get down there.

Y'all hear that, don't ya?

You wanna fill this up, partner? We gotta...

Shit! Where did all the tellers go?

We're down here, sir.

They're over there on the ground like you commanded, Gale.

I told you not to use my damn name.

Can't you even try to keep from forgettin' that?

Not even your code name?

Oh, yeah, yeah. My code name.

Y'all hear that? We're usin' code names.

All right, everybody. We're about ready to begin the robbery proper.

Yeee-ha!

Hurry up, you dang hayseed!

All right, now y'all know how this here works.

That hayseed over there with the red hat, he's the monitor.

OK, you betcha.

I want you to stay flat for ten full minutes.

We might just come back in five to check.

That's for us to know and for y'all to find out.

Anyone found bipedal in five wears his ass for a hat.

Yee-hoo!

That old-timer threw off my concentration.

Otherwise it would have gone smoother.

Shoot, Gale. We done good. This oughta split up real nice three ways.

Goddammit, you never leave a man behind!


Where's the baby?

Where's the baby?

Dammit, H l, ain't we got enough to contend with?

I don't know, ma'am. I thought we left him up on the roof.

I think we left him at the bank.

Ms McDunnough, I'm worried sick about him!

Hold on, H I.

I'm worried sick about him!

Hi! H l!

Hi! Ms McDunnough!

Let us come with you!

Please!

He's our baby, too!


What is he?

Do you see him too?


Gimme that baby!

I want that baby!

Gimme that baby, you warthog from hell!


Just lay down on the floor, young missy.


Run along now, honey.

But, Hi...

Just run along now.

Whoa!


I... I didn't...


I'm sorry.


What the hell's goin' on?

Get away from there!

Let's go.

Wait a minute. I ain't through with you.

What are you doin' creepin' around in the dark?

You in with Smalls?

Excuse me?

Leonard Smalls. Big feller. Rides a Harley.

Dresses like a rock star.

No, sir. That's who we saved him from.

It's a long story.

Suppose you tell it.

Well, sir, in a reward situation, they usually say "no questions asked."

Oh.

Do they? Yeah.

Well...

All right, boy.

I guess you got a reward comin'.

$25,000.

Or, if you need home furnishings, l can give you a line of credit at any of my stores.

In fact, that's the way I'd rather handle it, for tax reasons.

We don't want no reward. We didn't bring him back for money.

We could work it that way too.

Could I just look at him a little bit more?

Be my guest, little lady.

But...

Would you mind tellin' me exactly how you...

You took him, didn't you?

It wasn't that biker at all.

I took him, sir. My wife had nothin' to do with it.

I crept in yon window and...

We both did it.

We didn't wanna hurt him any. I just wanted to be a mama.

It wasn't for money or nothin'.

We just figured you had more than you could handle baby-wise.

But I'm the one committed the actual crime, so if you need to call the authorities...

Shut up. Nobody's gonna call the authorities if there's no harm done.

Thank you, sir.

Aw, bullshit.

Just tell me why you did it.

We can't have one of our own.

Well, look...

If you can't have kids, you just gotta keep tryin' and hope medical science catches up with you, like Florence and me.

It caught up with a vengeance.

But, hell, even if it never does for you, you still got each other.

Sir, those are kind words, but l think the wife and l are splittin' up.

Her point is that we're both kinda selfish and unrealistic, so we ain't too good for each other.

Well, ma'am, l don't know much, but I do know human beings.

You brought back my boy, so you must have your good points too.

I sure hate to think of Florence leavin' me.

I do love her so.

You can go out the way you came in.

And before you go off and do another foolish thing, like bustin' up, l suggest you sleep on it.

At least one night.

That night I had a dream.

I dreamt I was as light as the ether, a floatin' spirit, visitin' things to come.

The shades and shadows of the people in my life wrestled their way into my slumber.

I dreamt that Gale and Evelle had decided to return to prison.

Probably that's just as well.

I don't mean to sound superior, and they're a swell coupla guys, but maybe they weren't ready yet to come out into the world.

And then I dreamed on, into the future, to a Christmas morning in the Arizona home, where Nathan Junior was openin' a present from a kindly couple who preferred to remain unknown.

I saw Glen a few years later, still havin' no luck gettin' the cops to listen to his wild tales about me and Ed.

Maybe he threw in one Polack joke too many.

I don't know.

But still I dreamed on, further into the future than I'd ever dreamed before.

Watchin' Nathan Junior's progress from afar, takin' pride in his accomplishments, as if he were our own, wonderin' if he ever thought of us, and hopin' that maybe we'd broadened his horizons a little, even if he couldn't remember just how they got broadened.

But still I hadn't dreamt nothin' about me and Ed, until the end.

And this was cloudier, because it was years, years away.

But I saw an old couple bein' visited by their children and all their grandchildren too.

The old couple weren't screwed up, and neither were their kids or their grandkids.

Dad.

And I don't know.

You tell me.

This whole dream.

Was it wishful thinkin'?

Was I just fleein' reality, like I know I'm liable to do?

But me and Ed, we can be good too.

And it seemed real.

It seemed like us.

And it seemed like, well, our home.

If not Arizona, then a land not too far away, where all parents are strong and wise and capable and all the children are happy and beloved.

I don't know.

Maybe it was Utah.