Rapture-Palooza (2013) Script

Now, the Book of Revelation tells us the Rapture is the literal, physical bodily coming of Christ in the clouds to snatch out of this world all believers, the dead and living who were in Christ our Lord, amen.

Those sinners who remain on Earth shall face torments and suffer beyond their wildest nightmares.

Who are these people? Well, we all know them.

Musicians, gays, gay musicians, the entire 1997 Denver Broncos, and all of Hollywood.

LINDSEY: Um, it was incredibly freaky, to me, anyway.

I always say that Ben sort of saved the world.

He's that amazing. Well, he says that I saved the world, but he's probably just being nice. It doesn't matter.

That's me, looking fairly shocked.

But honestly, not that shocked, because the truth is, a lot of crazy stuff had already gone down.


Maybe I should back up a little.

See, it all started with the Rapture.


It was league night.

I had just gotten a strike.

Oh, yeah. Oh, my God!

And Ben was even more excited than me.

He usually is. Which is why I love him.

Anyway, um...

Then, all of a sudden, half the world was totally gone.


LINDSEY: The people who went to church and prayed and missed out on a lot of fun stuff got sucked straight up to Heaven.

And the rest of us, well, we were screwed.

We weren't believers, so I guess that's why we weren't taken.



Both my mom and Ben's mom went to church religiously.

Well, that's the only way you can go to church.

The point is, they both got raptured.


But, in the only recorded case of such a thing happening, my mother was sent back the very next day.





What happened? I don't know.

I was in Heaven.

CLARK: Wait. You got sent back?

So God, like, returned you?

(SOBS) Well.

I guess so. Yes.


I was just in line. Uh-huh.

And they were giving out massages.

And a guy butt in front of me.

He probably didn't butt.

He barged right in front of me, and he said, "I need something in the shoulder."

Were you in the right line?

I was in the right line.

Honey, you are almost never in the right line.

Listen to me. It was unprofessional. It was poorly organized.

You have this backwards.

You go up there to be judged. You don't do the judging.


Mom. Aw!

(SOBBING) I don't want to be here.

I'd hug you, but you smell like shit.

Did anybody vacuum while I was gone?

We all vacuumed. (CONTINUES WAILING)

We all vacuumed all the time.

Lots of vacuuming.

LINDSEY: And then the torments started.

First came these little locusty things.


(GRUNTS) I hate those little things.

Suffer! Suffer!

I am suffering, you little buttwipe!


You're not going anywhere, you little fucker!

If you're wondering, they were impervious to most bug sprays.



I got an idea! How about you suffer?



MR. LEWIS: (YELLING) This apocalypse is killing me!


I don't know why, you Jesus freak! Why don't you ask God?

Oh, yeah, I forgot! He doesn't like you!

That's my parents, you guys.

I can't stand it any longer!

Good times.

Then God, in his infinite wisdom, did this really gross thing.

It just seemed so unsanitary, you know?

What is that? Is that...

I think it's raining blood.

Blood? It's raining blood.

That's not disgusting.

What the fuck is the point of that? There's no point!

I know.

Wipers don't work for shit.

Try the sprayer thing.

Sprayer thing.

Well, that's great. Now it's all smeared.


The wraiths showed up about a year ago.

They went all around the world wrecking everything, and killing people.

Holy cow!

Monsters, man.

Real monsters.

Without the costumes.

Because the costumes are real, you know.

LINDSEY: So, a lot of people died during the apocalypse.

The only one I know who came back was my neighbor!

Mr. Murphy.


We all thought it was weird that instead of chasing us around, trying to eat our delicious brains, all he did was mow his lawn.

Maybe it was on his mind when he died. Uh, I don't know.


Finally this neighbor got so sick of it that he stole the mower.

But then Mr. Murphy just walked around without the mower.

This is sad.

Hello, Mr. Murphy.


Your lawn looks really nice.

Have a good day, Mr. Murphy.

And just as the Bible predicted, the Antichrist finally showed up.

Nobody thought his name would be Earl Gundy, though.

Certainly not that he'd be from Idaho.

I might take you to rock bottom, but I'm going to bring you back up...

And I guess not really a surprise that the Antichrist was a politician first.

...because I'm Earl Gundy, and we can make it.

And then he gets invited to the White House.

He poisons everyone's sandwiches, and then just starts using our missiles NEWSCASTER: ...evacuation of Chicago has not been fast enough.

LINDSEY: He blew up a bunch of cities. Chicago, Tokyo, London.

You know, just to make everybody scared of him.

NEWSCASTER: We go now to Orlando. (EXPLOSION)

MR. LEWIS: Oh, come on!

Not Orlando! Oh, man! Come on!

Think of all those ride operators. They're just kids!

LINDSEY: Oh, and he makes everyone call him "The Beast," because he thinks it makes him sound cool.

Everyone thought he was going to live in some palace in the Middle-East, but he settled right here. In my home town.

Not biblically referenced, Seattle.

Overall, I'd say the Book of Revelation's got most of what has happened pretty much right.

There were some things that happened that weren't predicted.

Like the foul-mouthed crows, for instance.

Strawberry jam.

Oh, nice. That's right.

CROW: Hey, you!

Yeah, you.

Fuck you! Caw!

Ben, baby, just ignore that.

Man, I hate those guys.

I mean, why do we just let them insult us like this?

I know.

Eat shit, fucker.

Hold on. No. Mmm-mmm. Not worth it.

Hey! Blow me!

And don't forget my balls. Caw!

Yeah, don't forget my balls, you stupid crow.

I'm sorry. You're right. It's not worth it.

Yeah! Walk away, pussy! Caw!

Felch me! Caw!

I just don't think that that bird knows what he's saying. Yeah.

It's just a noise coming out of their mouth. (CROW CAWING)

Fuck them! No, no, no.

CROW: Fuck, fuck, fuck! Caw!

LINDSEY: Ben and I had this idea of starting our own sandwich cart.

Because people appreciate a good sandwich, even when the world is ending.

Maybe, especially when the world is ending.

That one is better.

That's the horseradish. Mmm.

I couldn't find any mustard, so...

I think it goes well with it.

Yeah, it's really... (THUNDER RUMBLING)

Kind of makes up for it.

Stay calm.

It's okay.


After a while, you just get used to the locusts and the blood rain, and...

Oh! And the fiery rocks falling from the sky.

Is that Trevor Burdick?

Oh, yeah. I think it is.

Trevor, get inside, man.

I ain't scared!

Bring it on!

Wow, he's so dumb.

An idiot.



That was horrible.

Yeah. Well...


No, it was horrible. It's terrible.

What were you going to say? Nothing.

What were you going to say?

I mean, come on, the guy is standing there with his hands up, yelling, "Bring it on." He's stupid.

He's an idiot. Am I wrong?

No. That's not funny. That's a... It's human life, you know.

Dumb, dumb human life. (BOTH CHUCKLE)

No, that's not funny, Ben. That's sad.

He's a dummy. (GIGGLES)

You want to, uh...

Yeah. Later, baby. My parents are going to be home any second.

Later, like...

No. No?


Kill me.


Is the therapy helping your mom at all?

Yeah. She seems to be crying a lot less.

She still says "why" a lot, though.

Oh, that's good.

Rocks. Baby.

Come on. Sounds close.

MR. LEWIS: You go up there and he kicks you right back down.

You might as well have had the sugar. (THUDDING)





Why? Why? Why?

Why? Why?

My eggs.

My eggs.

LINDSEY: That day was the worst day of my life.

Which is saying something in the apocalypse. (MRS. LEWIS WAILING)

I didn't know how to feel. (DOOR SLAMS)


The apocalypse was hard and stressful for everybody.

My brother Clark and his idiot friend Fry were actually into it.

But I think that's because they were idiots before the Rapture, so...

Where are you going, Clark?

Oh, uh, Fry and I are gonna kayak the blood river.

I don't think that's a good idea, Clark.

Whatever. Clark!


Hey, Clark.

Hey, buddy. Be careful out on the river, okay?

Because your mom could seriously not handle anything bad...

Dude, suck it.

Keep any open wounds covered.

Later, asswipe.


Be careful of the wraiths, Clark.

The wraiths have been here a while now, and they're still bad, I guess.

Like, some of them still work for The Beast.

But a lot of them are basically unemployed, and they don't really have anything to do.

So, a lot of them have become serious potheads.

You know, joints or a bag.

Dude, forget it. You still didn't pay for the last bag.

Look, I'll pay you.

No. Forget it.

I will destroy you.

We will destroy you.

Wow, I'm so scared right now.

Just one joint, man.

Fuck! Fine, here you go.

Thanks, man. POTHEAD WRAITH: Thanks, bro.

Do you ever fucking bathe?

Are you still seeing Catherine?

Yeah, she's intense.

You shouldn't let bitches push you around.

LINDSEY: Everyone was struggling to get by now, except the people who made a deal with the devil.

I mean, they were on his payroll.

And you've recently split from your wife of eight years, Kimberlee, why?

Well, she's kind of a stupid, vapid whore, Liz. (CHUCKLES)

I'm just kidding.

And now she's off in Los Angeles trying to be an actress.

(SNIGGERS) Good luck.

I prefer to be right here in Seattle. Go Mariners.

Are there any romantic prospects for The Beast?

The problem with most of the women I meet is that they are all sluts, you know.

And I'm looking for somebody who is, uh, old fashioned. The girl next door.

With a nice rack and a nice round... (BEEPS)

See. Right there.

BEN: I can't see you. I'm right there behind him.

Right there with the mustache.

Oh, yeah.


Not bad, huh?

Your old man's on global TV there, Benjamin.

If you ask my opinion, the guy has gotten a bad rap.

He's the Antichrist, Dad.

"He's the Antichrist. He's the Antichrist."

I'm just saying, he has done a couple of good things, so sue me.

Like what? Seriously, like what?

Okay, well, for instance, um, He is the most evil individual who has ever lived, Mr. H.

"The most evil individual who has ever lived" is paying the bills around here.

I'm just saying, he's not as bad as everybody says. That's all.

He blew up Chicago, Mr. H.

I am not saying I support everything he has done, Lindsey.

I was totally against that, and I said so at the time.

There is no good reason to blow up Chicago.

Except for the food, the weather, and the people.

Okay. Now, you are defending him blowing up Chicago.

No, I'm not, Ben. I'm just providing context.


You know what?

You guys should come work with me. Then, you would see the deal.

No, we are not going to be Beastly Guards, Dad.

You don't have to be a Beastly Guard. You could work in the shop.

And you could do the kitchen with the other gals.

Yeah, a couple of guys just quit.

Well, they didn't quit, per se. They were laid off.

Let go. Killed.

Look, they were working against him, Ben.

I mean, what's he supposed to do? Give them a raise?

You are so morally lost.

Hey! Kiddo, I'm just saying that's the way the world works, and you are not exactly raking in the dough at the homeless shelter.

Somebody has to help those people, Mr. H.

Are you trying to be good or something so that you get raptured?

Because, I'm telling you, kids, that was a one-time dealy, okay?

(CHUCKLES) And this one up here, forget about it.

You are not going anywhere with all the carrying on in your room.

You'd think masturbating powered the lights around here. (CHUCKLES)

Hey, I'm not going anywhere either, Ben, okay?

Your mommy is going to be up there all by her lonesome.

I miss you, babe.

We are going to work on the sandwich cart. Uh-huh.

Hey, health insurance. Dental.

They cover acupuncture, Lindsey.

Thanks for the pizza.

(MOCKINGLY) "Thanks for the pizza."

I never liked you.


World's Most Embarrassing Raptures.

Ha! The rapture show is on.

What the fuck?

This guy is on a toilet.


I saw it coming and I still laughed.

LINDSEY: You know, I was thinking, if this goes well, and we make a little money, I think we should move out of our parents' and get a place together.



Maybe get married and start a family.

I mean, would you really want kids?

In a world like this?


Things are bound to get better at some point, right? So...

Maybe that point is right now.

Just humor me.

I'll humor you.

Come on. Come inside.

BEN: Are you kidding me?

What the fuck?

I'm fucking done with this shit!

No. Come on. Are you okay? Are you okay?

I'm fine. I'm sorry.

I really, really loved that food cart idea, Ben. I did, I did. I did.

I very much wanted to see you kids succeed at that, but let's not kid ourselves here.

It is not easy to make money these days.

Well, we're only going to do it until we have enough money to rebuild the cart, Dad.

Absolutely. Absolutely.

A month, max.

SHORT WRAITH: But people will tell you cardio all the time. And...

There he is. Hey.

How is it going today? Oh, let's see.

Oh, this is yours. Yeah.

"Dickhead." Says it right there.

No. That's not what it says.

Who are these? This is my son and his girlfriend.

Just bringing them to work today.

Your father's an asshole.

Just so you know.


We have fun.

No, we don't. He's just having fun.

No, I'm not. A real joker this one.

Not with this guy.

We've got a minivan coming in.

It's not a minivan. Soccer mom coming through.

Not a minivan.


Okay. Well, fuck you.

Oh, really? Fuck me? Fuck you!

A real asshole.

MR. HOUSE: Now, The Beast isn't here, so everything is kind of chill.

Pretty cool of your old man to be showing you around on his day off, huh?

I am going to put you kids by the pool area.

It's a very kick back assignment. You are going to love it.

Hey, Margie, flowers look great.

Don't look anybody in the eye, okay? I'm serious.

Don't look anybody in the eye.

This is it. This is the pool. Gorgeous, huh?

Now, you gotta be careful, because there are landmines all over the place.


Holy dick and balls.

BEN: What is it? The Beast.

He's coming down.

What for?

I have no idea.

Okay, but listen. Whatever he says, you just say yes.

MORGAN: Let's go, guys. Line it up.

So, don't say anything. Don't even say yes.

Okay, I'll say yes.

Walt. Hey, Morgan.

No matter what happens, you say yes.

I know the deal.

(MOCKINGLY) "I know the deal."

All clear here, boss!


Well, what a treat for me. Delightful to meet you, young man.

A real chip off the old block. And you are handsome and intelligent...

Little Beast has some special requirements for the pool area.

Uh... I'm sorry?

The pool area.

You heard me say pool area, right?

Yes. Where are we standing right now?

The pool area. Yeah.

The motherfucking pool!

Shut up! Okay.

But I'm not... Yeah.

Are you dumb or just stupid?

(STUTTERS) Yeah, of course. The pool area.

What can I do you for? (CELL PHONE RINGING)

Tell him what you want, Little Beast.

The Beast. KIMBERLEE: Hey, Earl!


You never call me back!

Kim. Slow down.

Tell him what you want.

I want a big slide.

Okay. Hey, Earl...

My name is not Earl, okay. It's Beast.

I don't give a shit what you call yourself. You're still an asshole.

I will fuck your shit up!

Goodbye, Kimberlee.

Don't you fucking hang up on me! Don't you...


I hate you! I wish you were dead.


Very funny. Right back at you, kid.

We need this done by next week. You got it?

Yes. Of course.

Go back to the cart, Little Beast.

Next week.

Who's your assistant, contractor? MR. HOUSE: Huh?

Oh! Nobody. That's my son, Ben.

No. Not Rachel Maddow.

That is his girlfriend, Lindsey.

(WHISPERS) I'm a pool contractor now? Shut your mouth.

(WHISPERS) What am I supposed to do? This is what I deal with every day.

Welcome, Lindsey.

Uh, thank you.

Can I get you anything? Some iced tea?

Mocha? Latte?

Hot dog?

Corn on the cob? Sausage?

Other dick-shaped food?

No, thank you. I'm fine.

Yes. Yes, you are.


He's a children's asshole, but he's an asshole.

(WHISPERS) You son of a bitch. Thanks for leaving me out to dry.

Do you want to go for a walk around the premises?


I just...

I'm not a man you want to say no to, my dear.


Come on. Come. Come. No pun intended.

Okay, pun very much intended. (CHUCKLES)

I won't bite you. Come on.


Back to work, contractor.

Yes, sir.

Back to the house, Little Beast.

But, Dad!

Get the fuck back in the house now! Fucker.


We are traveling. We are traveling.


Fuck! No, this is bullshit.


Don't. No, but...


Listen, these people will kill you as soon as look at you.

I'm not going to let the Antichrist steal my girlfriend, Dad.

Oh, come on.

What are you going to do? Challenge him to a fight?

I don't know.

But I'm going to do something.

No, you're not. No, you're not.

Look, they're just talking.

You need to believe in me, Dad. Oh.

Believe in you, Ben? Really?

Yes! Come on!

THE BEAST: You are delicious. You know that?

I bet your vagina tastes like pistachio mint ice cream.

Low fat.

Tell me, Lindsey, what's a gorgeous girl like yourself doing in a job like this?

Well, my boyfriend, Ben, and I...

Ex-boyfriend. (CHUCKLES)

I'm just kidding. Not really. Go ahead.

Yeah, we were starting this sandwich business and, um, our cart got crushed by one of those falling rocks.


Bad luck.

Right. So, now we're just working with his dad.

Bad luck for you, but good luck for me. Huh?

You look like a cross between Scarlett Johansson and Hilary Swank.

Did anyone ever tell you that, Lindsey?


You got to be kidding me.

What did you say? Scarlett Johansson, Hilary Swank. Fucking, yeah...

Shut up.

Both lovely ladies with lovely racks, like yourself.

I have a wonderful, spontaneous idea.

Let's have sex in these bushes right here.

What? Yeah. What do you think?

Don't fight the impulse now, Lindsey. Uh... No, I don't...

That's okay. No, thank you.

I really don't want to do that. What?

I don't want to do that. Why not?

I think you do.

No, I don't. Come on. Why not?

So many reasons. I, uh...

I just don't do that.

You don't what?

What are you, a virgin? (CHUCKLES)

You are?


Well, yeah.

Whoa! A virgin?

Whoo! Did you hear that?

(CHUCKLES) They are hard to find.

Winner! You a virgin?

That's great. Honey need a little slap.

Girl's going to give it up to you, sir.

Shut your mouth!

I'm so sorry.

Where are your sunglasses?

Mine fell in the koi pond.

It's not a big deal.

No, it is to me. Yeah.

You got to take it to the hole, sir.


I probably shouldn't have said anything.

No, I get it. You want your first time to be special, beautiful.


And so it will be.

I promise you, your first time, no anal.

This way, my dear.

I don't care, Dad.

I'm going to punch that guy in the face.

Ben, come on. Be reasonable.

No, I am.



Oh, shit.

We just met though, so...

And at first, I swear, I thought you were just another hot piece of ass, but a virgin! Ohhh!

That is really something.

Fuck you all.

That's rude.

You know, I'm no good at this type of thing, but...

Fuck it. Marry me, Lindsey.

Marry me and become the mother of my evil offspring.

What? I know!

Call me impetuous. Call me an incurable romantic, but something in my gut tells me you're the one for me.

Okay, you already have a son, though.

Little Beast is a dud. I need more children, a mini-bus full, you know?


You all right, Ben?

You hit me with a shovel?

Only a little bit.

You are having reservations, aren't you, my dear?


I can tell. This is a horse.

It's big.

I want to show you something, Lindsey.

Not that. Not yet.

You will see my penis later.


I am going to get that guy.

Ben, come on!

What? Are you going to hit me again?

Shit. Shit.

I gotta get him out of here.

I know exactly what you are worried about, Lindsey.

You do?

"But, Mr. Beast.

"As much as I'm attracted to you, and I am.

"The truth is, I'm scared.

"If I marry you and become your evil queen, "won't people despise me?

"Won't I become a target, just like you?

"And unlike you, if I'm killed, I won't return as 'Satan.'"

Why am I using air quotes?

I will be Satan.

Yeah, um, actually...

Hey, hey, hey...

You will become a target, but there is a weapon here that very few people know about.

That's a... Yes.

A real live XGLTLGL laser beam.

Or something.

All right.

See, there's this rumor going around, this prediction of sorts, that before long, someone who shall remain nameless, Jesus, is going to come down from the sky and vanquish me.


Yeah. But I don't think so.

Oh! Oh, wow!

Do you see that crow?

Hey, fuckers. Toss my salad!


Primer set. (BEEPING)


Yeah! Bam!


Yeah! Toss my salad, crow! Suck my balls!

That big motherfucker up there has no idea who he is dealing with.

I call it my you-know-who buster.


Excuse me. Oh.

So, you see, my dear, you will be perfectly safe here with me.


So, what do you say? No!

Thank you.

Fine. All right.

I understand. Um...

Of course, I've got to kill everyone you know, starting with your boyfriend and his father.


Your choice, my dear.

No, wait! Uh...

If I could just have a little time to think about it.


Of course.

You have eight hours.

And in that time, if you are not back here, ready to marry me and bear my evil children, I will kill everyone you know. Sound fair?


Ohhh! I feel so good about this, don't you?

Take the rest of the day off, Lindsey.

Get ready for tonight. Paint your toenails, trim your bush, bleach your asshole, douche, whatever.

Eight hours, remember?


Don't trim your bush too much now.


Adieu, Lindsey, adieu.



Slow this bitch down!

It's fucking with my vertigo, motherfucker.

BEN: Jesus, Dad.

MR. HOUSE: I'm not saying it's good or right, Benjamin.

I'm just saying he's the Antichrist, here, and you are you.

Thank you. You know what I'm saying.

He's like a god.

Which is ironic, if you think about it.

Maybe Lindsey will like it. Huh?

Lindsey is not going to like it. How do you know?

Because she likes me. Right? You don't like him.

Hey, how do we know anything?

No! I know she likes me!

MR. HOUSE: (MOCKINGLY) "I know she likes me."

That's what you sound like right now.

Why would you mock me? You are such a terrible father.

Hey, Linds.


I just wanted to say that you know, ever since your father was squashed by a big giant rock, I feel like a father to you. You know?

And as your father, I feel like I just have to say I just think you have to go with The Beast here.

Thanks for the advice. And of course, if you don't, and he kills Ben and I, and not to mention your mom and your brother, and who knows who else, then as long as you are happy with that, that is all that matters. You know?


Because that means your honor was more important to you than we are.

She is not going to go with The Beast, Dad.

I know, Ben.

I know.

Your mom is going to have a meltdown.

(WAILING) We're cursed, Lindsey! Cursed!

Why! Why, Lindsey? Why are we so cursed?

Why? Why? Why? Why?

Maybe because you are so annoying?

I am not annoying, Clark.

I am a woman with feelings.

(IMITATES MRS. LEWIS) Oh, my God! I'm going to be in-laws with the Antichrist.

Poor me. I like to cry all the time. I hate Clark.

Mom, just deal with it, okay? God!


(DOOR SLAMS) Clark, be nicer to Mom.

Okay, Linds, what's your problem? This is what you gotta do.

You go with this Beast guy, you have a great night out, and at the end, you fucking knife the shit out of him.

If I knife him he comes back as Satan.

Okay, then fucking knife Satan, too. I don't know.

Just keep on knifing him, don't stop.

That's not going to work.

Oh, uh, my sister's supposed to marry The Beast.

Oh, congrats, Linds, that's great.

No, we're going to kill him.

Yeah, I just said that. She should fucking knife him.

Fucking knife him. Just grab a knife and... (GRUNTS)

Just fucking knife him in the chest and watch his insides pour out.



Vick, I told you not to come here before 2:00.

You got a serious problem with pot. You know that, wraith?

What? Me? Come on, guys.

(CHUCKLES) It's me! Vick!

When was the last time you went one day without weed?

Um... Yesterday.


If you are going to do this much you should get a vaporizer.

Okay. I know.

It's a cry for help and you know it.


Mom, are you okay?

Honey, I just...

Do it, Lindsey.

Go with The Beast.

Please. Please. Please.

Mom! Please. Please.

I can't stand another bad thing happening to this family.

I can't stand it. I can't stand it! I can't stand it!

I am not marrying that evil idiot, okay?

He's not killing everybody I love.

There is a plan to deal with this and Ben and I are going to think of it.

Okay. Okay. If you're going to stand there at least do it while you're making us coffee, okay?


I love you.

I'm sorry I hit you.

Bye, Ben.

I'm going to make coffee!

BEN: What about that guy you knew? Uh...

The mob guy, Gina Pagano's cousin.

LINDSEY: It's a good idea. He got raptured, though.

He did?

I'm starting to think that maybe we should have just gone to church with our moms. Believed. You know?

Yeah, but if you don't, you don't. You know?

What if we really are cursed? We're not.

But what if we are? We're not.

We have gotten through a lot.

We are going to get through this. Uh-huh.

Because we just are. kick the Antichrist's ass myself, I will.

I know. I know. I'll do it.

Did you find anything? We definitely can't kill him, because of the whole "possessed by Satan" thing.

Right. The only ones who can kill-kill him are Jesus and God, right?

Right, but it does seem like he could be locked up.

Yeah. That is what's going to happen, apparently.

He is going to be locked up for a thousand years.

By God. Yes.

Why for just a thousand years? Why not forever?

See, this is exactly what I'm talking about.

It makes no fucking sense at all.

You have him, why would you let him go?

I don't know. This shit!

It just seems so pieced together.

Did anyone think it through?

Wait. Why couldn't we do this?

Do what? Lock him up?



Okay, well, do you remember how Buster was a total escape artist, and my dad had to build him that completely escape-proof kennel?


Wouldn't he yell?

Fuck you! You will suffer forever!

Even if he did, you know, nobody likes him, he's the Antichrist. Who would help him?

That's true. That's true.

What if he got out, though?

We'd just have to be incredibly careful that he didn't.

Remember to always, always keep the Antichrist locked up.


Maybe over time we could turn him good.


We could get him a little pet. Oh.

Have you been chewing on my books? You adorable little scamp.

I think after 50 years, he's not even going to be that bad.

Chocolate chip cookies, kids?

ALL: Thank you, Uncle Beast.

You hungry little motherfuckers. (CHUCKLES)

Wait, Linds, no. How are we going to do this?

What do you mean?

Think about it, I mean...

I'd have to get on to the property, right?

Past all the wraiths.

And the Beastly Guards.

Right. And the Beastly Guards kill everybody they see.

Everybody! We'd need someone who couldn't be killed.

And who can't be killed?


Excuse me, Mr. Murphy.


We were wondering if we could just talk to you for a minute?

I'm just mowing my lawn here.

Right, and it looks great. As always.

But, we were wondering...

Well, we actually need your help, sir.


Yeah, see, you're really the only one who can help us, because you're dead.


Who is dead?


He doesn't... Aw!

I'm just mowing my lawn here.

Right, but we were wondering...

Just mowing my lawn here!

Dude, you're dead.

You're dead. Plus, you have no lawnmower. You're pushing nothing.


Mr. Murphy?


LINDSEY: I don't think it's helping.

MR. MURPHY: You're dead, if anybody's dead...

Wait. Stay here. I have an idea.



Hey, Dad.

What are you doing?

Can I borrow the truck, Dad?

Yeah. What for?

To take Lindsey to The Beast's.

Yeah. She's going with him.




I'm so proud of you.

I'm so relieved. I'm so relieved she is going to fuck him.


Yeah. Good for her.

So, uh, what's all this?


The thing is, he's demanding a dowry.

A dowry? Yeah, isn't that weird?

Yeah, well, it's old-fashioned for sure.

Uh... But nice in a way. Exactly.

Hey, Ben? Yeah?

So, you're going to give him the mower?


What do you get the guy who has everything?


What's really going on here?

Nothing. Like, I mean...

The dowry.

Yeah, I don't believe you.

We are going to fight him.

Oh, God! Ben!

Don't be ridiculous!

No, listen. We have a plan.


Aw! Aw! You have a plan! What is it?

We are going to lock him in a kennel.

You can do that. You can keep him prisoner for a thousand years.



I didn't know.

I didn't know that you could lock the Antichrist in a fucking kennel for a thousand years!

You dumb, empty, retarded, mongoloid, idiot child!

What if it doesn't work? Huh? Do you have a backup plan?

It won't work. You don't have a backup plan!

I don't need one.


I can't let you do this, Ben.

You are going to have to.

I'm going to have to, huh? Yeah.

Put down the shovel, Ben.

Are you going to hit me with a rake now? Come on. Put it down.


He got really freaked out after you left and just started doing that.

Mr. Murphy, sir.

No. Not talking to you.

Can I show you something?


I think you will like it.

Nope, nope, nope.

Fuck it.

Nope, nope, nope.

He smells really bad.

Do you like it?

It's yours if you want it.

All you have to do is keep mowing.

Oh. Nah.



Oh, he's super gross.

He's really gross.

LINDSEY: This was our plan.

Number one, Clark and Fry help Ben get past the wraiths with their pot.

Number two, I use The Beast's obsession with my lady bits to distract and drug him.


Number three, get our zombie neighbor to draw away the guards.

And number four, bring the drugged out Beast back and lock him up in Buster's kennel. (GRUNTS)

Good plan.

Almost nothing can go wrong.


Oh, my God!

You look so slutty.


Wow. Okay.


Maybe this isn't a good idea.

Well... (SIGHS)

What else are we going to do, Ben?

I don't know. I don't know.

Are we sure this is a good plan?

Yeah. It is. And it's the only one we have, besides me having sex with him, which is not going to be the plan.

No. You know.

So, I'm going to take care of him and the guards.

All right. I'll deal with the wraiths, and, um, we will use Mr. Murphy to deal with the perimeter guards.

By 9:00, for sure. Can you handle him for that long?

Oh, yeah. Totally. He is so dumb, Ben.


Okay. We can do this. Right?

Yeah, we can. Right?

I love you. I love you.

I'll see you in a couple of hours.



I love you, Mom.

I love you too, honey. Have fun. (CHUCKLES)

Call or text if you're going to be really late.


So when do we leave, Benjamin Franklin?

Five minutes.

If we run into a problem, here's what we do...

Let me guess. Knife him?

(CHUCKLES) Yeah, totally.

Stab him in the fucking gut, right?

Or in the back of his neck.

(BABBLING) Can't you guys fucking stop?

This is extremely important, and you are acting like morons.

Revelations tells us what's going to happen next.

Spoiler alert. Jesus is going to come down on a white horse and smite the Antichrist before God sets up his kingdom here on Earth.


CROW: Blow me! Assholes! Rim job! Fucker!


THE BEAST: Who is a sexy Beast?

I am a sexy Beast Who is a sexy Beast?

I am a sexy Beast Who is a sexy...

Turn the mirror.

I am a sexy Beast Who is a sexy Beast?

I am a sexy...

Ooh! You a sexy Beast.

You a sexy Beast. Yeah. You a sexy Beast.

You. Is that a turn on, turn off?

That's a turn on, sir. You like that?

Fuck yeah.

I'm going deep tonight.

I'm going deep tonight.

Oh, shit.

You want to do it? Did that get you wet?

My pussy's so wet.


I didn't say that.

I didn't say anything.


Lindsey, you look...

Look at those titties.

So lovely.

Thank you. Did you, uh...




Trim bush!




That was me getting an erection.


That's nice.

Thank you. Service it? No!

Now is the time for romance.

These are from him.


(CHUCKLES) Thank you.

You have such good taste.

I know.

Lindsey, I cannot imagine a lovelier receptacle for my evil seed than you.

So much seed.



Just wait here for a second.

If you break his heart, I'll be super pissed.

All right, let's go.

He will join you in the parlor.



Welcome to where we are going to do it.

I want to touch your booty All night long I want to touch your booty And stick my dick in you, girl Stick my Stick my dick in your Stick my dick in your Stick my dick in your yeah, booty

Hmm, stick my dick in your booty

That was so good.

That was something I was working on for you.

Oh! Actually, I would love to pour this for you, sir.

Of course, my dear.

So, you like eggs?

I fucking love eggs. They remind me of titties.

Good to know.

Chocolate eggs, Easter eggs.

Any type of eggs. You put some eggs in that, I am eating that shit. You know what I'm saying?

Yeah. I love jelly beans, too.

But I hate Peeps. I despise them.

I'm putting those assholes out of business. I promise.


I fucking hate them.

Put them out of business. Tomorrow, as a matter of fact.

Marshmallow ass chicken.

Feel the power of the fucking Beast.


I kick so much ass my feet need condoms.

So, how's the gay boyfriend taking all of this, my dear?

You know...

Badly. Like a bitch.

"Please don't leave me."

"No. I'm with The Beast now, tiny, little, tiny boy."

"But please, I love you."

"Get away from me with your chicken baby penis."

"Oh! Lindsey, please."

"I want Beast cock."

"Please." "Beast cock!"

"Please." "Beast cock!"

Something like that?

It was just like that. (CHUCKLES)

What can I say? I'm The Beast.

I know these things.


This is for you.

Thank you much. I...

I feel so silly, this is so embarrassing.


I was hoping that...


Maybe we could get all the Beastly Guards in here.


Anyway, and have them come in this room and propose a toast to me, please.

(SNORTS) I thought you had a challenge.

Beastly Guards.

You will now come to me and join me in toasting your new queen.

This is Morgan on the PA system.

All Beastly Guards please report to the dining area.

I'm not drinking any of that shit.

SHORT WRAITH: I tell you one thing. Noxzema...

Well, well, well. The prodigal asshole returns.

Uh, I'm here to make a delivery to Walt House, the asshole.

Yeah, well, you are not on my list.

He promised me that I would have no problem getting this in.

Oh, God, that is so sad. That's a sad story.

So, you're just going to be impossible about this.

We are. Get your vehicle, turn it around and get the fuck out of here.

All right. Fine.


What's that smell? What smell?

You know that smell?


What's happening, bros?

Do you want some?


How much of this do you have?

I got a fucking pillow.

He's got a fucking pillow.

Come with me.

Leave the car running. Come on.

Come on.

Come, Beastly Guards. Get your fat asses in here.

Drink the nectar of eggs.

Toast your new queen.

Make sure everybody gets some.

Go, go, go.


To you, my dear.


God damn it!

I promised Little Beast I would go say goodnight.

He will be crying all night if I don't.

Don't you want the drink, though? It looks so good. I made it.

Don't worry. We will fuck soon. Duty calls.

THE BEAST: Get your fucking ass into bed, Little Beast!


Don't be a dud, little fucker.


Did I say anything that deserves that?

So much. What a dud.

That's not a nice thing to say about your son.

Oh, my sweet, protective, mother hen.

He's still a dud, though. He won't be like our children.

Here's a naughty idea. Let's have sex on his bed right now.

Let's wait until after dinner.

Of course. Okay.


I gotta take a poop anyway.

(GRUNTS) Oh! This is going to be fantastic.

TALL WRAITH: Aw! That's excellent weed, guys.



Are you sure I can't make that delivery? Really quick.

Hold on one second. I forgot. What did you want to do?

You are so high. I am.

What do you think?

Yes. Yes?

No, I think that's a bad idea.

No, dude, don't be so fucking paranoid, man.

Am I being paranoid?

Yeah, what if it's a fucking great idea, man?

That's what I'm saying. (STAMMERS)

I'm saying it's a good idea.

Get out of here. Yes. Do it. Just do it.

Okay. Do it.

Do any other wraiths want to party, man? You should call them up.

Let's go to highville. (ALL LAUGH)

Do you want to blow up something?

Let's blow up Helsinki.


Buenos Aires?

Listen, I want to blow up the whole world tonight.

How do you feel about that? What?

Kind of. Ooh. That is sexy.

It is sexy.

You're not the girl I thought you were.

No. You little vixen.

You gonna blow up the world with me?

Yeah, I'm going to do that tonight. (CHUCKLES)

We are going to the bust the world up.

Hell, yeah. I'm going to bust all over your face.

Uh-oh. Was that too much?


Are you ready to cut some grass, Mr. Murphy?


Now remember, there is a lot that needs to be cut.

So don't stop until you get all of it.


And don't let anybody stop you.


You do know how to drive one of these things, right?


THE BEASTLY GUARD: Hey, you! Shit!

Shit. All right, just mow.





Use your push mower.




Hey, asshole!


What are you doing?

I will kill you with murder!

I'm just cutting the grass.

All right, take him out.


How do you like that?



Go check him.


I'm just mowing the lawn here! I'm mowing the lawn here!

I need everybody at gate two. Right away!

Everybody at gate two!

I got some sort of undead, lawnmowing, dead, zombie motherfucker.


MORGAN: Stop your vehicle!



Oh, shh. Shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh. Shh.

What was that? Did you guys hear that?

Dude, I don't hear anything, man.

Yeah, dude, you are being paranoid.

Am I being paranoid? Yeah. (CHUCKLES)

Dude, turn the fucking music up.



Damn, this is good. Shit!

Nothing like a shrimp and mushroom omelet, am I right?

Um... Where was I, my dear?

Your ex-wife.

God, I can't even believe I did that.

I was young and stupid and seduced by a natural blonde.

Do you know what I mean? I think I do, yeah.

Her pubes were blonde.

My pubes are black. As you will find out.

You know the secret to shrimp is to take out the dark line in the back.

That's their poo.

Three to four times a day. That's why I'm so healthy.

Good. That's impressive. I'm glad you told me.

Thank you.


Do they have any more of that eggnog left? I'm so thirsty.

So, where do you want to go for our honeymoon?


Not that it matters, because you'll be getting face fucked the whole time, am I right?


Let's stay here and just have intercourse.

And watch movies. I love intercourse.

I love movies. Are you a Vin Diesel fan?

I love Vin Diesel.

Fucking The Chronicles of Riddick, are you kidding me?

It's the best. It's so underrated.

See. You see?

I do.

We are connected.

Right here with you.

Let's go make the beast with two backs.


Get it? The beast with two backs, because I'm The Beast and I got a back and you got a...

It's not that funny. Come on, let's go.

Um, yeah, we could...

We should...

We should go to the Jacuzzi.


Sounds sexy.

It's going to be.


What the shit?

Dude, what the fuck are they doing?

I think I saw them take some 'shrooms, bro. (GUN COCKS)

What is going on with your hands?


We should fucking knife them.

Fucking knife them? Yeah.

Fucking knife the shit out of them.



MORGAN: Stop your vehicle!

Oh, shit!


If I was a dinosaur, guess what kind of dinosaur I'd be.


A Lickalottapuss.


Do you get it?

That's so funny. I do get it.

Because I would be licking your vagina all the time.


What are you looking for, baby? I'm right here.



Are you calling your boyfriend?

Come on, Ben.


I thought we had something.

This hurts. I thought we had a moment.


That's cool. I didn't really like you that much.

(CHUCKLES) Whatever.

Okay, Ben, seriously!


Let her go, Antichrist!

This is who you are screaming for?

This Frodo-looking motherfucker?

He even walks gay!

I'm The Beast, baby!

Beastly Guards.

Most of them are chasing a dead guy on a lawnmower.

Okay, what does that mean?

Wraiths, come to me.



Fucking useless potheads.

Just let her go, man.

Or what?

Or I will kick your evil ass.


(CHUCKLES) That's...

That's a good one. Hey, I got a good one, too.

How about you do like this (SPUTTERS) to my booty-hole.

I'm warning you, Earl.

My name is Beast.

What are you going to do to me, anyway, huh? What, you going to kill me?

I'm going to lock you in a dog kennel.

I don't even know how to respond to that.

But you know what? Seeing as how I have better things to do, like make it with your lady, how about I shoot you?


God damn it.

Back off. Give me that.



I killed Jimmy Neutron.


Back up. What?

What are you going to do, huh?

You don't want to shoot me.

Unless you want me to come back as Satan.

Don't push me. Okay, Earl?

I'm really sick of this crap.

And honestly, you in particular. You are so lame.

I'm lame? You're dating Peter Brady.

I've been letting you say this gross shit to me all night.

The fact that anybody is afraid of you is incredible.

If they knew what a child...

It doesn't matter, I will shoot you.

I will totally shoot you.



That's for being an asshole.

Let's party, baby.




See you later, baby.

Oh, shit.

Oh! Baby.

Baby, wake up. Are you okay? (GROANING)

Why do I keep getting hit in the head?

I don't know. I'm sorry, baby. I shot him.

Hmm? Baby, I killed him.

Where? I'm serious. Right here.



Fuck. I am unstoppable!


Now what do we do?

Just keep killing him. Until what?

Maybe it will take at some point.

Baby, I'm going to need more guns.

Okay, I'm on it.

That really hurts... Damn! (GUNSHOTS)

Ben? Yeah.

Will you stop shooting... (GUNSHOTS)

Fuck you!

This can't be legal.

Ben? Yeah.

I know what you're thinking. (GUNSHOTS)

Ow! Bitch!

Quick question. (GUNSHOTS)

I'm getting pretty good at this, baby. I'm coming!



What are you going to do now, fool?

What time is it?

You don't seem like the type.


No, that won't work either.

Go to bed, Little Beast. Little fucker.

But I have an idea.

How does this go down?

I need a screwdriver or something.


What is that?

BEN: It's coming right at us!

Ben, wait!

Ben, wait!




BEN: Oh, no!

Oh, no.

This is so bad, baby.

I didn't know, Linds.

I thought it was a rock. Fuck.

This is incredibly bad, Ben!

Okay, okay. Can we do CPR? Maybe?

You laser-beamed him, baby! I don't think CPR is going to work.

I can't believe I did this. Aw!

How could I have been so fucking stupid?

I feel really sick, Ben.

My dad's right!

I'm a fucking idiot!



Is that... What?

Is that him?


What have you done?




Well. Yeah.

Answer me!

We sort of killed the Antichrist at first. We did.

It was not nearly as hard as you might think.

Right. Yeah. We just shot him with a regular gun, and then Ben was hitting him with a shovel.

Just bonked him. That was it.

You barbecued my son.


I saw this thing coming from the sky, I had no idea what it was.

It could have been bad. He didn't know.

It could have been bad. I panicked...

And I...

Yeah. I laser-beamed him. I beamed Jesus. I'm so sorry.

It was a total accident, though.

Yeah, total.

Do you two have any idea what you have done here?

Um... Well...


There was a plan.

A rather detailed and specific plan involving the final chapter of all human existence!

Do you understand that that plan is completely ruined?

We didn't mean to.

We are so just incredibly sorry, sir.

It was a gaffe.

Ugh! It was a mistake.


It's all I needed to hear.

You're sorry. I forgive you.

It's kind of what I do. (CHUCKLES)

It's all good.

We will just start over. It's no big deal.

It's not like I spent a lot of time on this.

Only 4,000 fucking years!

You proud of yourselves?

You pathetic little shits.

Fuck you, dude!

Don't, no.

You don't have to be so mean. I'm sorry, but you don't have to be so mean.

What did you say, whore?

You heard me, man. I said, "Fuck you." You are being a dick.

(SOFTLY) Not to God.

You're a dick!

You're like a bug to me!

You made her.

Yeah. Good call, baby.

(MOCKINGLY) "You made her, so..."

He doesn't talk like that. I'm not Southern.

You talk exactly like that, Ben! That is how I made you!

He doesn't have a pinched nose. What is that?

You sound exactly like that.

No, I don't.

Give me that sweater. Don't do it.

Just give me the fucking sweater!

Because I'm fucking God. Give it to me.

Don't do it, baby. Do it!

Don't, he has a jacket. Don't.

I want a sweater!

God, wait.

Look behind you.

You actually expect me to fall for that trick? (CHUCKLES)

No, no, it's not a trick.

"It's not a trick." You're so stupid.


Oh! Earl! What the fuck, man!

That's right, big boy!

This isn't about you, Earl. Okay?

Oh, it's all about me.

And my official name is Satan.

So, none of this "Earl" bullshit.

Okay, let me smite these fuckers down and then we can talk. All right?

Do you think I want to talk? No, no, no.

All I want to do is kick your candy ass.

What the fuck did you say?

You want to go, Fat Prince?

Let's do it. Thou shalt whoop your ass!

It's on.



Come on, bitch.

That's all you got?

You want some? Happy Meal? Happy Meal...

You like that?



Time-out? No, you're fresh out of time-outs, bitch.

Who are we rooting for?

They both want to kill us.


Revelations, bitch!

It is a pretty unusual thing to be watching, when you think about it.

Yeah! You win.


THE BEAST: Get the fuck off me, Tattoo!

Who the fuck do you think you're fucking with? Abraham?

I am the Lord!



Not me, you little fucker!

I'm gonna fuck your shit up!

Come on, Confucius.

I'm gonna bottle you, motherfucker.

I'm gonna fuck you up.



Fuck you, Earl!

Almighty, my ass!

You are a terrible father!

You are one to talk. Touche!


My name is Satan!

I had enough of this shit!




BEN: Wow.


I definitely didn't think that was possible. Right?

You would have thought that God would have seen that coming.

Yeah. Maybe he did?

His plan was to get electrocuted in a Jacuzzi?

Most of it didn't make a lot of sense to me, so it's possible.



They shot at me!

You fucking idiots!

I should spank you both!

Wow! You did it!

You killed him.

I knew you could do it. No, you didn't.

You just had to apply yourself, Benjamin. That's all.

You're not a loser anymore! Good for you.

And who's that right there? Is that...


He's tiny, huh?



I mean, huh, right?

A lot of questions.

MORGAN: There he is! Dead zombie motherfucker.

Stop that fucking lawnmower!

Stop it!

What the fuck?

You killed him?

Oh, thank God.

It's over. Right.

We did it! We killed him! (SIGHS)

No more beatings. No more rapings.


I guess that means I'm in charge.

I wouldn't take that leap. That's a big leap.

I'm the leader of the world.

Bow down before me!


MR. HOUSE: What? No.

How come all of a sudden you're in charge?

There's as much reason for me to be in charge as for you.

You? Fuck, no! He thought you were the pool guy.

He used to rape you.

You have a massive head wound. That is a brain injury.

So what?

You look like a jerk.

You guys. Um... (CLEARS THROAT)

Look at your mustache.

Most world rulers look like jerks. Who cares? What?

You guys, um...

Um, I just feel like, probably, nobody is in charge.

Or, well...

Everybody's in charge. Everybody's in charge.

So, it's a good thing. Uh...

We're all in charge.

We can be grown-ups.

Everybody okay with that? Yeah.

You are definitely not in charge, though.

So what do we do now?

Just live.

That's what we're gonna do.

Right? That's deep, baby.



Just live.

Let's go make out. All right.

You kids be safe.

We're gonna live.

Yeah. I might, uh...

I might go back to school.

MR. HOUSE: Yeah! Yeah.

I never went to college. (CHUCKLES)

I know. I know.

It's over.


It's so nice to be held.

Okay. Okay.

Oh, you're so strong. Okay.

I like those big arms.

Don't make this into something it's not. Okay?

Huh? Don't make this into something it's not.

You didn't feel anything there?

No. Let's just live.

Live our lives. Right.

All right. Okay.

I thought with the mustache and everything, you...



You're sending a real message there.


"Put a dick in here."


Look at that.

Look at that. Hmm.

Life goes on, man.


Life goes on.

LINDSEY: After that night, things went back to normal.

Good Sandwiches went from a smashed lunch cart to a popular lunch destination.

Overall, I'd have to say the future looks really, really bright.

Okay, that sounded really corny, but...

Whatever. I killed God and the Antichrist, man.

I'll do whatever I want.

The rocks stopped falling out of the sky.

The wraiths were still around, but Mom made some new friends and calmed down a little bit.

If you guys are hungry later, I made an amazing pot of beans last night.

It's, um... They've been hanging out in a Crock-Pot for almost 12 hours at a low setting, and I'll tell you what, I soaked those guys overnight, and, uh...

It's better than the quick soak.

Some things didn't go back like before.

Like Mr. Murphy. Still dead... Undead.

But Ben and I stole his lawnmower back for him.

He loves it. Doesn't seem to notice we broke the motor, either.

This used to be the Devil's mansion! It's ours now!


Ben's dad now lives at The Beast's mansion.

I'm not sure that he should, but who's gonna kick him out?


I put PCP in the salsa! (CHUCKLES)

This is gonna get fucking crazy!

Fucking crazy!

Hey, hey, hey! Hey! Hey!

Let's go to Mexico!