Ratchet & Clank (2016) Script

Esteemed citizens of Quartu, I stand before you a proud Blarg, for tonight, we will twist the very fabric of reality.

We will defy nature with reckless abandon.

We have also broken 16 galactic statutes and one star ordinance, so I shouldn't see anything about this online!

Beautifully worded, sir.

Hmm.

In just a few moments, we will unleash a weapon so powerful that it will take...

Stanley, are you seriously still texting after what I just said?

Victor? If you please.

Uh...

Mommy.

Dialing Mother.

Hello, Horkelberg residence!

Hello? Who is this?

Herman, it's that man again. I hear heavy breathing and...

Ew! And chewing!

That's it. I'm calling the police.

Does anyone else feel like texting? Hmm?

Show of hands?

Anyone? Uh-uh.

Very well.

Commence deplanetization!

Ready the Deplanetizer!

Seriously?


496, 497, 498, 499, 500.

Come on. Is that all you got?

I need you to give me 2,000,010%.

One and two and three and four.

Remember, if you feel the burn, that's good.

If you smell the burn, that's bad.

Three, two, one.

Okay, let's dig deep.

Don't quit on me now.

Can you feel it? Huh? Huh?

Can you feel the burn?

Are you kidding? I'm on fire.

I can take anything you can dish out, so bring it on!

Okay, 2,000 more.

2,000?

One and two, three and four.

No pain, no gain.

And we'll be right back after these messages!

Okay, bots! Let's do this!

And lunge! And lunge!

Ranger Workout will be right back!

Burn!

Planet Tenemule is no more.

What?

Hello. Dallas Wannamaker here.

Tonight at 5:00, another uninhabited planet is destroyed without warning or cause, marking the fourth in recent memory of our once-peaceful galaxy.

As a result, the President has requested our ever-vigilant Galactic Rangers increase their numbers from four to five.

Really? Just five? All right.

And now a message from the man himself, Captain Qwark.

Space, a wondrous realm full of adventure, and peril, and, uh, big-ness.

Captain Qwark!

The Solana Galaxy is our home, and as many of you know, it's in a state of crisis.

The Galactic Rangers are looking for a new recruit to help with the investigation.

So if you're a small-time nobody in search of adventure, come on down to the spaceport and see me, Captain Qwark!

Cue montage! Cue montage!

Our next stop, Planet Veldin's Kyzil Plateau!

Kyzil Plateau?

That's right!

The Kyzil Plateau!

Ranger tryouts.

This is huge.

Galactic Ranger! Grab some sky.

Galactic Ranger, punk. Put 'em...

Whoa!

Ranger down!

Mission accomplished.

Hello?

I'm here to pick up my ship?

I'll be there in one minute.

Ah!

Give or take.

Hello? Hello?

Hello?

Hmm?

Are you ready to have your mind blown?

Eh. No.

Whoo-ho-ho! Yeah!

I'll take that as a yes.

Boom!

Protolux afterburners, full Gadgetron weapon package, and a high-intensity mag-booster so powerful, it can pick up a paperclip from two kilocubits away.

I think there's been a mistake.

I came in to get my ejector seat repaired.

Why repair something when you can improve it?

Come on, have a seat.

Now, let's fire up that mag-booster!

Oh! Pretty sweet, right?

I guess, but why do I need it?

Well, you could...

I mean, you know, if you ever...

You know, I don't know.

Whoa!

No worries, I can buff that out.

Maybe we should just...

Power this sucker down.

Oh, boy.

Look out! Hello! Watch it!

Hey, I've been looking for that.

Greetings, Cadet!

What was that sound? Nothing.

Unrelated question, is your seatbelt on? Uh...

Hit the brakes! Hit the brakes!

Those aren't the brakes!

I'm too old to die!

You've got to be kidding me.

How did you get a license?

Whoa!

Can you hit the kill switch, please?

The fish witch?

The kill switch!

Eh... On the dash!

The drill hatch on the dish!

Hang on, I can fix this.

Your tail's in my face!

Hey, the view's no prettier down here, pal!

There's a wall!

Oh, boy.

Yes!

Whoa!

Phew!

That was a close one, huh?

I want a refund!

Yeah, that is going to show up on my midyear review.

You seem especially brooding today, Victor.

Come! I have just the thing to brighten your day!

Our next target!

Look at these waterfalls, the fjords, the rolling hills of Corvoxian snodgrass!

This is exactly what I need.

But, sir, that entire region is heavily patrolled by the Galactic Rangers!

We will have this planet!

And we will take it by going on the offensive.

Our forces will strike at the Galactic Rangers first and remove them from the equation altogether.

Wait. Real battle?

Metal hand against hand.

I trust this pleases you?

Of course it pleases me, but we don't have any forces!

You let me worry about that.

In two days' time, the Galactic Rangers will be destroyed and I'll be able to complete my masterpiece!

How many times, Ratchet? How many?

Come on, he's fine!

He landed in a pile of ivy.

Poison ivy.

Look, you're a great mechanic, you got a lot of heart, but you're careless.

"Careless," it's such an ugly word.

I prefer "carefree."

Too soon? Yeah, it was too soon.

I know things haven't been easy for you, but you can't keep acting out like this when I have a shop to run.

What's with you lately?

I just feel like I'm supposed to do more.

I've always dreamt of being a Galactic Ranger, doing big things, like Captain Qwark!

You want an old mechanic's advice?

Dream smaller. It leads to less disappointment.

Please, Grim.

I just need one hour off so I can go to the spaceport for tryouts.

You promised you'd help me give proton scrubs to every ship on the plateau!

It's almost summer. These people depend on us!

First off, it's always summer. We live in a desert.

And second, that promise is still in effect!

It's a 100% valid promise, and you can redeem it in one hour.

Yes! You! You are a great friend, Grim.

Don't let anyone tell you different.

I'll be back before you know it!

You're the best boss in the galaxy!

An inspiration to us all! Don't ever change!

I'm okay!

Ladies and gentlemen, get on your feet, put your hands together, and give a big Planet Veldin welcome to your Galactic Rangers!

First up, she'll shoot first and ask questions when she's good and ready.

Cora Veralux!

You loved him in Grapplemania, you'll love him more as a Galactic Ranger.

Get ready to feel the pain of Brax "The Brute" Lectrus!

Yeah, baby!

And finally, ladies and gentlemen, the savior of Solana, Captain Qwark!

Hello, Veldin!

Hello, Captain!

He's on fire again.

I know.

My name is Copernicus Qwark, and yes, that was an impressive wall of fire I just walked past.

I'm going to be real with you folks for a moment.

When President Phyronix recommended I take on a new ranger, I knew just where to go.

That's right, we want you!

Yeah!

The galaxy is a perilous place.

Invasion, space pirates, supernovas!

I know what you're thinking, "Do I have what it takes?"

After all, you may not have prevented Dr. Nefarious from atomizing Aleero City.

You may not have stopped Neftin Prog from rendering the entire population of Aridia color-blind!

Twice!

After all, you may not have this chiseled jaw or godlike pectoral region, but if you have heart, then you have what it takes.

You don't have what it takes.

But I have heart.

Yes, but unfortunately that heart is encased in a weak, muscleless mass of inexperience.

Plus, there's your history to consider.

You got a long line of citations here.

Possession of an illegal gravity repulsor...

Oh, that was a misunderstanding.

I thought that space pirate was on the level!

Operation of a black-market accelerator.

"Operation" is a strong word.

It blew up as soon as I turned it on!

Willful disruption of the space-time continuum?

That is a funny story.

You're reckless, you're a loose cannon, and you're dangerous.

That's my shtick.

Wait! Just give me a chance!

Sorry, no time! Galaxy in jeopardy!

Get back out there, and remember, you can do anything...

As long as you're me. Next!

I have no less than three lethal katas I would like to demonstrate for you today.

Get me out of these tiny blue-neck towns.

Dr. Nefarious!

The mad scientist who made all of this possible!

"Mad" suggests cognitive impairment.

I'm more of a vengeful scientist.

I trust you're here to meet the troops.

Three hundred sentient warbots, built using the finest raritanium in the galaxy, and programmed to assassinate the Galactic Rangers.

Proton-powered, rust-proof, and laser-guided.

Each of these perfect creations is an efficient, remorseless killing machine.

Remorseless killing machine...

Makes me want to have children of my own.

But will they get the job done?

I'd hate to have to send you back where I found you.

State your prime objective.

Prime objective, destroy Galactic Rangers.

Inspection complete. Weapon issued.

My warbots know every offensive tactic in the Ranger handbook.

They won't just kill the Rangers...

Target acquired.

They'll annihilate them!

Nice. They killed the lights, too.

Burn.

Repairbot!

Ah! Now we're talking.

Target acquired.

Oh, my...

State your prime objective.

Destroy Galactic Rangers.

State your prime objective.

Destroy Galactic Rangers.

State your prime...

Hmm...

Hello.

Defect detected.

Preparing for immediate destruction in three, two...

Hey! Wait!

Oh, a defect!

Go play, Victor.

No...

Ahh!

I'm coming for you, defect!

Oh! Ooh!

Hmm.

Defect!

Computer, set coordinates for the Galactic Ranger home base.

Destination set.

We will never make it, but, hey, what are you gonna do?

Oh, dear.

Sayonara, amigo.

Ratchet...

So, you're off to save the galaxy.

Turns out you were right. I should dream smaller.


I'll never be a Ranger.

What?

Whoa!


Danger detected. Danger detected.

I told you we'd never make it, but did you listen to me? No.

Hello?

Anyone in there? Whoa!

Prepare for imminent death.

There's got to be a better way to say that.

Sorry.

Prepare for imminent death. How's that?

Five, four, three, two, one...

No vector shell damage. Sister board appears to be intact.

Ah!

I must get to Aleero City!

They are in danger!

Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Hey, who's in danger?

An army is coming. I must warn them!

Hang on, slow down. You've been in a crash.

What do you say we get you back to my garage?

I'll run a diagnostic and have you fixed up in no time.

Thank you. I appreciate the assistance.

It's no problem. So what do I call you?

I suppose my proper designation is Warbot Defect B5429...

Maybe I'll just call you Clank.

My name's Ratchet.

Uh...

Up and down.

Yeah, there you go. You're a natural.

Okay, that's enough.

Or just keep shaking. That's cool, too.

Almost got it.

And... There!

How do you feel?

Fully operational.

Sweet.

So, what are you doing all the way out here in the sticks?

I am on a mission of galactic importance.

"Galactic importance"?

Okay. Oh, boy. You must have ruptured your CPU.

How many fingers am I holding up?

Uh... Two. But I fail to see the relevance of the question.

Chairman Drek has built an army of warbots.

They're going to assassinate the Galactic Rangers tomorrow.

Oh! That kind of galactic importance!

Well, why didn't you say so? I can totally help!

Oh, I could not ask a civilian to get involved in something so dangerous.

Well... No, I'm not just a civilian.

The Rangers are actually my friends!

Why do you think I have so many pictures of them?

But why are you not in any of them?

Well, someone had to take the picture, right?

I mean, come on. I even have a ship.

It disassembles so it can infiltrate enemy strongholds.

So, what do you say?

I understand what the President wants, but what are the odds of actually finding a qualified Ranger way out in the boonies?

After all, there's nothing the three of us can't handle...

Oh!

I am your biggest fan.

It's touching me. Get it off. Get it off!

Move it! Move it! We've got hostiles! We've got hostiles!

Go! Go! Go!

Enemy warship! Take cover, citizen!

I love you!

Target acquired.

Hmm...

Hmm.

Hmm?

What? Apologies.

I have not been able to locate your species in my database.

I get that a lot. There aren't many of us left.

Not in this galaxy, anyway.

I'm a Lombax.

A Lombax?

Fascinating.

Yeah. I crashed on Veldin when I was just a baby.

No note, no message, no name...

Kinda like you.

Approaching destination.

Whoa!

Aleero City!

Yes, it certainly is.

No way!

It is the invasion. We are too late.

Target acquired.

You knocked on the wrong door, hombre.

How was that? Did that sound cool?

Oh, boy.

Target...

Target acquired.

Target...

Target...

Brax to the max! Max!

Awesome!

Fire!

Bring me the captain's head, or I'll take yours as a replacement.

Wilhelm!

I got these guys.

Welcome to the Hall of Heroes...

Oops. I must've forgotten to install the targeting software.

Here, take the controls for a sec.

Oh. I... Um...

Ow! Hey! What's going on up there?

Well, unfortunately my piloting skills are, shall we say, slightly underdeveloped.

Yeah, I think we can definitely agree on that.

Whoa! You maniac!

Ratchet, we are clearly not prepared for this.

We should have contacted the Rangers to warn them of the attack.

Yeah, like they'd know who we are.

But you said they were your friends.

What?

I think you're quoting me out of context.

The Rangers are actually my friends!

Do you record everything I say?

Do you record everything I say?

We're going down!

Your sense of direction is impeccable.

I can fix this!

That was awesome!

Finish them!

Ratchet, I believe I may have an idea.

Your weapon package includes a mag-booster.

I am rewriting the software to isolate the raritanium alloy used to manufacture us.

Great idea, Clank!

Bring it on!

There's too many of them!

Hold steady, Rangers!

Prepare to die, Galactic losers!

Come on, come on!

Executing command, and engage mag-booster.

Is it working?

Oh!

I do believe it is.

Target acquired.

Huh?

No way.

Yeah! Oh, yes.

You're getting this, right?

Two civilians are saving the city!

There are 300 heavily armed warbots gaining on us!

I know! Isn't it great?

Get ready to return to sender!

Terminating mag-booster on my mark!

Three, two, one...

Mark!

No, no...

No!

What happened?

You got to be kidding me!

Get out.

Taxi!

Ah!

Hmm?

All right, everyone, let's give these heroes some breathing room.

I'm happy to field all questions on their behalf.

Captain Qwark! Juanita Alvaro, HoloVid Nightly.

The Blarg have been underground for over 50 years.

Could their return be linked to the destroyed planets?

I think that's being a little alarmist, don't you, Juanita?

Begging your pardon, Captain, but Drek is responsible.

And his attack today proves that he is only getting started.

Now, now! We must all stay calm. Everything is under control.

Captain Qwark! Dallas Wannamaker here.

Does that mean you'll be asking these two heroes to join the Rangers?

Say what now?

Well, I...

I... Well, I...

I don't see why not.

You heard it here, folks!

The search for a new Galactic Ranger is over!

Aleero City will never forget the day it was saved by a...

A cat thingy.

How did this happen?

Someone explain it to me! You!

You're supposed to understand how they think!

How did you not see this coming?

And Victor!

Do you know how many candidates you beat out for your position?

I could have hired the Zeezils Brothers!

It's enough to make me want to vaporize someone!

We're putting our project on hold.

I'm ordering all remaining warbots to the Deplanetizer until the heat dies down.

Before we make any rash decisions, I wonder if you'd permit me to troubleshoot this for you.

Go on.

Our question is simple.

How do you destroy a team of heroes?

Whoa! Whoa! Well, lots of ways, really.

Chains, knives, guns, an enormous rock?

Rock...

The answer is "from within!"

If we continue to fight them with muscle, we'll lose every time.

But if we turn one of their own against them...

Of course, we'd need a weak link.

A sad simpleton who'd believe whatever we tell him.

A corruptible moron.

But who?

Who?

Who?

Hmm.

Ah!

I'm getting an idea, boys!

You're a genius, sir.

I know. I know!

Our training program usually lasts a full year, but we've been cleared to attack Drek Industries in three days.

That means you two are getting the accelerated course.

We're going to be trained by Brax Lectrus?

The guy's a legend!

I do not suppose you offer introductory courses in aviation?

No offense, little guy... "To the max!"

...but I don't think flying's really your thing.

Captain Qwark suggested we put you in a position a little less...

Dangerous?

Whoa!

Ha! That's right, LivesAtHome472.

What's the matter? Don't like getting your butt kicked?

What are you going to do, cry to your mommy?

Wait, are you really crying?

Hey, Elaris.

Hi, Brax! Is that my new assistant?

Greetings. Your office is most, uh...

Impressive.

Elaris here is in charge of developing our gear and providing tactical support.

Usually it's the former.

The Rangers are the shoot-first-think-later type.

I'm sorry. I didn't mean to sound like that.

Like what now?

Come on. I'll show you around.

Let's go, Cadet. Time to make you a Ranger.

So, this is the...

Got to keep an eye on them. Oh. And over here, over here...

I'll see you in a bit!

We're going to have so much fun!

Well, good luck.

Welcome, Cadet!

Let's get you into your new protosuit.

Your protosuit is the most advanced combat armor on the market.

And it comes in all the latest fall colors!

Sweet.

A neural sensor in your helmet reads your thoughts and telequips the desired weapon into your hands.

Try equipping your Combuster.

There you go.

Combuster equipped.

Wicked.

The Combuster is the backbone of the Rangers' arsenal, allowing you to hit targets in a short to medium range.

Whoa!

This is embarrassing.

The Alpha Disruptor fires a deadly stream of plasma, allowing you to hit multiple targets at once.

Whoa! See? He's got it.

Sort of.

This little baby's the Negotiator.

Fires multiple long-range, high-impact rockets.

Great versus heavy armor.

Buzz Blades!

Hey, hey, hey! No, no, no!

Whoa!

The Warmonger.

Ah!

I dunno. The Spiral of Death?

Whoa!

Fusion Grenade?

Wow. Dude.

How am I doing?

So this is really your office?

Eh. Budget cutbacks.

I don't mind it as much as the last guy who had this job.

Dr. Nefarious.

Drove him crazy.

Literally. He turned evil.

Oh. But don't worry. It won't happen to me.

Hmm.

That's strange.

What is it?

I'm running a simulation based on the fragments we located from each destroyed planet.

Each one is missing a famous landmass.

Well, perhaps the pieces are still out there.

There is a lot of space in space.

I guess.

But it's worth bringing up to the captain, don't you think?

Out of the way! Hey!

Watch out! Heads up!

Coming through!

Whoa!

Just relax! Everyone, stay calm!

Something epic is happening!

Pretty cool, huh, Clank?

That's the stuff.

Flying in the air like a majestic bird, a majestic bird who knows every fighting style.

Watch the master.

Captain, Elaris and I...

Can't talk. ...have some information.

Doing a flyby.

Sir! If you could come down and speak to us for three minutes...

And there are the sprinklers.

But, hey, good news!

You already have a mop, huh?

So, there's that.

Please! If we could have just a minute to discuss our findings.

The only thing I'm interested in finding is the Hall of Heroes cafeteria.

Let's go, Cadet. It's three floors up and it's meatloaf day!

Meatloaf!

Do they always treat you so poorly?

Oh! No!

Yes.

The new Galactic Ranger Ratchet action figure!

There he is!

Guys, it's Ratchet!

Hey-hey!

Ratchet, we love you!

Boy, for a big city, the people here sure are friendly.

And rather loud. Oh!

Sorry! Thought you were a trash can!

Indeed.

Wow. Look at that.

What do you know, Clank? I'm famous.

Yes. Though I am sure it is exciting, my cultural database shows that fame is highly overrated and ultimately not rewarding.

Would you agree?

Oh, totally. Way overrated.

Hey, do you think they'll name a street after me?

Or a cologne?

"Ratchet. Smell like a hero."

There he is!

Can I smell you?

Easy, now. There's no rush.

Believe me, I could do this all day.

Uh?

Sorry, folks, but, unfortunately, we don't have time for this nonsense.

I'm about to reveal my awesome plan for the attack on Drek Industries, unless, of course, anyone would like my autograph.

Good, because we don't have time.

You the man, Ratchet!

I love you all!

He's taller in person!

Hmm.

All right, Rangers, our plan of attack is simple.

HALO drop into Skorg City, fire a whole mess o' bullets, and take Drek into custody so we can be home in time for waffles.

Mmm-hmm. Yeah! Yeah, waffles!

Oh, that's good.

Wait, that's our plan?

Yes, it is.

Pardon me, Captain, but Chairman Drek is cunning.

He will be prepared for our assault.

Look, I think it is beyond adorable that you decided to do all this homework.

But big heroes do big things.

Each second we waste talking is a second Drek could use to destroy another planet.

But wouldn't it be worth taking five minutes to review our plan?

We have holoschematics...

Does anyone else feel like we should have shot something by now?

Because it really feels like we should have shot something by now.

Thank you!

Let's take a vote.

All those in favor of kicking in Drek's front door with a massive arsenal and restoring peace to a galaxy in turmoil, say "Aye."

Aye!

All those in favor of nerding it up here with some pie charts, say "Nay."

Nay. Motion passes.

We assault Drek Industries tonight!

Lock and load, Rangers!

Suit up and rally in the aft airlock.

Although I am happy to help with the mission in any capacity, I find this arrangement slightly embarrassing.

I'm sorry, but you're the only one who's been inside Drek's warbot factory.

Besides, this is the best way for you to keep up.

Whoa!

Nice backpack.

Remember, your thrusters are powered by Ratchet's suit, so don't try any solo flights. Okay?

I shall endeavor to...

He's in good hands, Elaris.

You sure you want to take the, uh, extra baggage?

No offense, but we're dropping straight into a cauldron.

And do you know what's inside that cauldron?

Is it danger? It's...

Yes, it's danger.

Let's roll!

All right, team. Let's bring it in.

Remember, our target is Chairman Drek!

Ready, Rangers?

On the count of three.

Three!

Keep up, rookie!

All right, pal, you ready?

Well, I...

Whoo-hoo!

Yeah!

Yeah!

Yeah!

Whoo!

Ah!

I'm in. Any sign of Drek?

Negative.

Place looks deserted.

My internal coordinates system indicates a right turn up ahead.

Eh. My gut says this way, Clank.

Glad you're getting in touch with your feelings, newbie, but we're turning right.

Because?

Because I'm your senior Ranger and I say so. That's why.

Okay! Okay.

Yeesh! Cranky.

What's that? Huh? Oh.

I said, "thank ye" for those words of wisdom.

Good save.

This feels too easy.

Why was there no alarm?

It is strange.

Everyone, stay sharp.

Initiate Phase One.

Let's scatter the cockroaches.

Just push the button, Zed!

Yoo-hoo!

Zurkon, zurkon.

Zurkon, zurkon.

Zurkon, zurkon, zurkon...

Anyone hear that?

Zurkon, zurkon, zurkon.

Engaging motion scan.

I'm getting something.

Yeah.

Me, too.

Zurkon, zurkon, zurkon.

Zurkon, zurkon, zurkon...

Huh?

Yoo-hoo!

Zurkons!

Mr. Zurkon is looking to kill you!

Yoo-hoo!

Boom, baby!

Yoo-hoo!

Yoo-hoo!

Yeah!

Three-time galactic champ up in here!

Ranger identified. Terminate!

What's a Zurkon?

Robotic bodyguards. They protect whoever deploys them.

Mr. Zurkon has you now.

Zurkon hates Galactic Rangers! Heads up!

Whoa!

Yoo-hoo!

Nice shot. Do that again, and I'll shoot you myself.

What is this place?

Huh.

If I may...

Hmm.

Yoo-hoo!

Stupid Ranger. Time to die!

Mr. Zurkon delivers a symphony of pain!

Don't move.

I'm listening.

Captain Qwark.

I've been watching you these past few days, and I think it's simply dreadful what...

Zed! Sorry.

Simply dreadful what Ratchet has done to you.

He's made people forget who the real hero is.

All you wanted to do was protect the galaxy, and how do they repay you?

By dropping you for some... Well, I don't even know what he is!

Even if that were true, I could never betray the citizens of Solana.

My friend, betraying them is how you get them to love you.

Allow me to introduce you to my personal team of Blargian PR professionals.

Lads, tell him how we work our magic!

As far as I can see, you're the victim here.

That Lombax pushed you to do this.

He did?

You were desperate, emotionally scarred, depressed, even!

You didn't know what you were doing.

The betrayal was a cry for help.

It was? It will be!

A tell-all book, a few guest appearances...

A holo-film.

No! A trilogy!

In six months' time, you won't just be Captain Qwark the hero...

You'll be Captain Qwark the survivor. Huh?

No one needs to get hurt, Captain.

We can evacuate the planet and give these people a new place to live, a better place to live.

Do we have a deal?

Huh?

Hmm.

Fascinating.

These are plans for something called a "Deplanetizer."

Deplanetizer?

Why would Drek be destroying planets?

Not destroy.

It seems that Drek is trying to build the perfect planet.

Come on, let's move out!

Hey! Wait for me!

Wait! Wait!

Sorry, Zed!

I'll write you an excellent letter of recommendation!

You don't even have my email!

Oh!

Hi.

Um...

Before you start in with the, um, questioning, it's important you understand that I am faithful to my employer.

And that's how I found out I was lactose intolerant, though I think the parakeet would've died anyway, because he was always flying into the window, which is...

She wouldn't drop him, would she?

Maybe.

When I said, "Tell us everything." I meant Drek's target list.

Now, out with it!

Probably.

I would be more than happy to supply you with the target list, but, unfortunately, I signed a legally binding non-disclosure agreement.

I want the rest of his targets.

Now! Please.

This was supposed to be a temp job until I got my singing career on track.

Okay, okay!

Novalis.

He wants Novalis.

Novalis?

Novalis is populated.

Yes, 43,618,924 people, to be exact.

The Schnorkelsons had twins this morning.

We've got to move.

Hey! Captain Qwark! Buddy!

Remember me?

From Drek's office? Where you signed that contract and...

Shh!

Not the face!

Dear Diary... I mean, journal. Yes.

Dear Journal, I've been having the mood swings again.

One minute, I'm laughing hysterically.

The next minute, I'm laughing maniacally.

I guess it's because everything is going exactly according to plan.

Soon, I'll be long gone, and the entire solar system will be nothing but a giant cloud of dust and gas.

Excuse me, Doctor.

Chairman Drek would like to see you.

How long have you been standing there?

I came in during the part about dust and gas?

It's my dietary journal.

I keep a very strict record of everything I eat and which foods give me...

Dust and gas?

Exactly.

Cool.

General Qwark moves into position.

Ooh.

Cleverly, he deactivates the weapons system, and the crowd goes wild.

Yeah! Yeah! Qwark is the best! Yeah!

Novalis Control, evac shuttle convoy 262 departing orbit.

Evacuation 82% complete.

Fighters ready to rock. So what's the plan, Captain?

Uh? Oh... The plan?

Yes. Here's what we're going to do, Rangers.

I'll go in first and try to reason with this Drek character, see if we can talk this out, mano-a-mano.

Talk? I don't follow, sir.

Sir, he's blown up five planets already!

I think we're done talking.

Captain, if we can just take 30 seconds, I think I have an idea.

Sure. Go ahead.

Well, I was looking at the schematics of the Deplanetizer...

Yeah. ...and it occurred to me...

And mute.

I'm going in.

Captain, wait! Back-up is on the way! We should...

Hostile ship on approach, sir.

Should we fire proton cannons?

Not yet.

I've got a shiny new puppet down there, and I'm about to put on a show.

"Starting secret mission.

"Hero work ain't easy.

"#Humblebrag, #Killinglt, "#NoFilter, #NotAMole."

Ah! I'm not a sellout!

Captain Qwark!

You performed marvelously.

Be honest, are you a professional actor?

Well, I did dabble in my share of theater back in grade school.

Every year, I'd play the dad...

Yes, an enthralling saga I'd love to hear!

But first, you've disabled the weapons system on the Rangers' fleet, right?

Oh, just as a safety precaution, mind you.

We wouldn't want a tense situation to escalate out of control.

Of course, we wouldn't want that.

And I have your word that my team isn't going to get hurt, right?

Oh, my dear captain!

Where's the trust?

Destroy them all.

Contact! Contact!

All units, engage.

Error. Error. Weapons system compromised.

Cannons! Missiles!

Weapon systems are negative across the board!

Same here! I got nothing!

We've been sabotaged. Rangers, fall back!

Break off! Break off!

The Rangers are retreating, sir.

Brilliant.

Hmm.

Get me a holo-scan of that ship.

Right away, sir.

Well, lookee-lookee.

What have we here?

The defect.

Ah, yes, the one that got away.

Not this time.

Are you sure, Victor?

He looks awfully dangerous.

Teleport me to the ship.

It's impossible, sir. It's shielded.

Just get me close!

No, I can't leave him.

Ratchet, what are you doing?

I'm going in!

Ratchet, don't do this.

If you give us a minute, we can work out an assault plan!

There's no time!

Captain Qwark is in there fighting an entire army on his own!

Permission to land?

Permission granted.

Mmm.

Who's on foot duty?

Tootsie rub, come on.

Ah!

Their defensive fire is too strong.

Pull back! Your fighter won't make it.

I don't have to land!

I just have to get close.

Hull integrity at 2%.

Prepare to teleject.

Ratchet, please, listen to Elaris.

The odds of surviving a head-on assault is roughly 600,993 to one!

Big heroes do big things.

Three, two, one...

He made it!

What was that?

I do not know. I will investigate.

Probably just the ship settling.

Nothing to be alarmed about.

Whoa!

Ah!

Defect!

Oh, my.

I am coming for you, Defect!

Uh, I believe we may have a problem.

Coming through!

Star Cracker Chamber, 47 meters southwest, then slight right ahead.

Ratchet? Where are you?

Can't talk! I'm almost at the control center.

Captain Qwark did something to the ship! Nothing's working!

And I think Clank's in trouble!

Roger that! As soon as I stop the Deplanetizer from firing, I'll be right back to help.

Deplanetizer now online.

Bravo, my boy!

Bravo!

I deal with my share of morons on a daily basis, but this?

This is seriously next level!

Take him.

Where are you?

Come out and fight!

You want a fight? I'll give you a fight.

No free rides!

Hmm.

Die!

Get back here!

I'm going to make you wish you were never created!

Thundersmack equipped.

You're nothing but a pathetic defect!

Perhaps. But I am waterproof.


Defect!

Hey! Over here!

Can I switch sides now?

I never had a proper planet.

I spent my formative years underground, where everything was dark and wet and hot.

And I was like, "Warrior? No, I said I was a worrier!"

I worry about everything!

I... Oh, hey.

Qwark?

This is awkward.

The next time you and those moronic Rangers decide to play hero...

...plan better.

Toss him into one of the shuttles.

I want him to live to see his failure.

Drek, don't do this! Novalis is home to millions!

Yes, yes, and they had their time in the sun.

Now it's our turn.

Commence deplanetization!

Ready the Deplanetizer!

No!


Well, here's your I.D. Welcome aboard.

Captain? Huh?

Oh. Yeah. Thanks.

Release the harvesters!


In the wake of Novalis' destruction and Captain Qwark's shocking betrayal, Galactic President Phyronix has issued a galaxy-wide alert to all Solana citizens.

Residents are to remain in their homes while authorities manage the crisis.

And though the planet was successfully evacuated, the question remains, did we put our trust in the wrong Lombax?

Uh...

Can I come in?

That protosuit of yours keeps beeping.

All day, all night, voices asking you to come back.

Those Ranger hotshots are persistent.

Yeah. Thanks, Grim. I'll turn it off in the morning.

Hey. I remember this.

You wandered into the garage and took my rocket sled for a test drive.

No fear, no safety check, you just flipped the switch, and off you went.

Took three police bots to chase you down and teach you how to stop!

I guess I just wanted to do something big.

I wanted to matter, you know?

I ain't never been very good with advice.

But I do know this.

To be a hero, you don't have to do big things, just the right ones.

That's actually not bad.

Thank you.

I have my moments.

I'm okay.

My dear, sweet Victor.

You were a wonderful friend and companion.

Honest. Loyal. Rusty.

I mean, really rusty. I could hear you all the way across the station.

But still, we honor you with this silent moment of reflection, as thanks for your sacrifice.

You will be missed.

Let's get this show on the road!

Bring in New Quartu!

Bring in New Quartu!

Uh, how are things at home, Jeff?

Great!

It's beautiful.

I did it, Father. I did it!

It's beautiful. Uh...

I thought I might find you here.

Clank?

I'm not going back, Clank.

This is where I belong. You were right.

Fame is overrated, especially when you're famous for causing a complete disaster.

It was not a complete disaster.

Authorities are calling it a "complete and utter disaster"...

Sorry!

The evacuation of Novalis was successful.

No one was killed or injured.

But those people lost their homes, and for that, I have to take full responsibility.

Blaming yourself and taking responsibility are two very different things.

If you truly want to be accountable, you will endeavor to make things right the next time.

Next time?

Drek has one more target on his list.

With Captain Qwark now working for the enemy, the Rangers need you more than ever.

And I would like to offer my assistance in any way possible, partner.

Earthquake!

What's that?

Oh, I brought some friends.

Okay, pity party's over. Time to get back to work.

Listen, guys, I'm sorry I ran out on you like that.

Even though I messed up, I should've stayed to fix it and see it through.

Eh. We've all made bad choices. Here, check it out.

My cadet photo.

Really? That's how we're playing?

Okay, uh, there's no need to embarrass anyone here.

Okay, everyone, chill out!

We have a job to do, and I need to start shooting at something immediately.

Well, before we just go off and start shooting at things, I was thinking that...

Yeah, get some.

That's what I'm talking about.

Forget it.

No, wait. Go on.

I think we need to hear what you both have to say.

Well, while we can't move a planet out of the way...

I was thinking, what if we could move the weapon targeting that planet?

Move the Deplanetizer?

Knock it off course.

Okay. Awesome.

And just how are we going to do that?

Not sure yet. But I'm working on it.

Hmm.

I might have an idea.

So after you pick up my dry cleaning, you need to polish the Segway, and after that...

Drek, I want to talk to you.

You tried to kill my Rangers! You said you'd leave them alone!

And I meant it at the time!

I detest bloodshed as much as any Blarg, but sometimes, sacrifices are necessary for the greater good.

I know you're working with Nefarious on this.

Yes, isn't it wonderful?

We're all part of the same dream team.

We should make T-shirts!

You're making a big mistake.

You have no idea the kinds of evil he's capable of.

Oh, but I do.

It's all right here on his résumé. Special skills...

Horrendous evil. Unspeakable evil. Diabolical evil.

He's very well-rounded.

And apparently, he can juggle. Hmm.

Oh-oh!

Do I feel my ears burning?

And there's our little juggling psychopath now!

You died in a prison escape. There were witnesses.

Oh.

People will say and do just about anything for the right price.

What was yours, Qwark?

What was your price for selling out your friends?

Your face on another cereal box, perhaps?

Why don't you run along so the Chairman and I can get back to the business at hand?

But what am I supposed to do?

You can guard the Star Cracker water cooler.

Oh! But with fury! Mmm-hmm.

That was fun!

And T-shirts would be a good idea. Good for morale.

What do you think, Neffie? Should we...

Sheepinator. One of my personal favorites.

It's time for a change of management.

Huh? Uh-oh...

Okay, let's do this! We only got so much time to get it all done.

Use that, whatever that's called. That's good. Okay.

Right. Over here.

Keep bringing it on in, ratcheting it on up, electrifying everything.

Make sure everything's got electricity running through it, at least a little bit.

That's good, too. Whatever that is, you're doing great.

Okay.

Hey, everybody! Get in here now!

Uh, please.

You're not going to believe this.

We finally decoded the Deplanetizer plans.

We found his next target. It's Umbris.

Well, at least he picked an empty planet this time.

Yes, however, it is a volatile planet.

Its core is made up of pure melluvium.

Blowing it up will result in a chain reaction that will destroy the entire system.

But why would Drek do that?

I thought he was trying to build the perfect planet?

Well, because Umbris wasn't Drek's idea.

Duh!

What do you mean?

It's Nefarious.

Dr. Nefarious?

No, Steve Nefarious. Of course it's Dr. Nefarious!

Oh, yeah, funny how you didn't mention that when I was dangling you over the edge of a building.

Well, you didn't ask, now did you?

Okay, that's it. I'm shooting him.

What? Don't shoot him.

I am confused. I thought Nefarious was dead.

Only on the inside.

Otherwise, he's very much...

Alive!

Okay, shoot him.

You wanted New Quartu? Huh?

I'll give it to you.

Happy trails!

Now entering Umbris atmosphere.

Yes, it's almost here.

The beginning of the end.

The end of what?

Let the games begin.

Remote detonation now activated.

It is about to get real.

We're as close as we can get without being spotted.

Okay, so what's the plan, Elaris?

Go on. We're listening.

Well, I've been hard at work on a little something called the Hologuise.

It'll project a visual and audible replication of Captain Qwark so realistic, it would fool his own mother.

With Ratchet posing as Qwark, they'll dock with the Deplanetizer by easily fooling the simpleminded Blarg.

Yes, Captain. What can I do you for?

Greetings, citizen. Just returning from patrol.

Copy that. Deactivating shield grid 24 A.

Once inside, Ratchet and Clank will make their way through the Star Cracker chamber to the inner core.

When Ratchet exposes the stabilizer, it can quickly be disconnected...

Yes. Got it.

Meanwhile, Clank will disable all the other weapons by hacking into the mainframe.

Weapons system disabled.

Leaving the Deplanetizer completely vulnerable to any outside forces.

Warning. Warning. Core stabilizer offline.

Run away! Everybody panic!

Warning. Warning. What's happening?

Warning. Core stabilizer offline.

Dr. Nefarious, sir... I mean, Doctor!

Where are you going?

Me? Nowhere. Certainly not out of a system-wide blast radius.

What? What?

We've been infiltrated.

The Galactic Rangers are trying to shut down the Deplanetizer, and I can't find Chairman Drek anywhere!

Ah!

You want something done right, you have to do it yourself.

Warning. Warning. Huh?

Core stabilizer offline.

Everybody panic!

Ratchet...

And we're clear. All units, move in.

Yeah! Way to go, you guys!

Ratchet!

Greetings, Cadet.

Captain Qwark, on behalf of the Galactic Rangers, I'm placing you under arrest.

You can't do that. I'll just arrest you right back!

On what charge?

False arrest? Being annoying? Who cares?

You stabbed your own team in the back, Qwark!

Just like you stabbed me in the back, taking my fans, my sponsors, my lucrative endorsement deals, my parking space!

You were my hero.

Now you're no better than Nefarious!

How dare you.

I am way better-looking than Nefarious!

I'm taking you in.

By force, if necessary.

Oh, wittle wombax with a wittle gun!

Huh.

Qwark, stop! You don't want to do this!

Don't tell me what I want to do!

On your left, Ratchet. Now your right.

Huh?

Enough, Qwark!

Whoa!

Nefarious is tricking you! He wants you to destroy the entire system!

Oh, that's right, you know everything.

Uh-oh!

Hey, why don't we all just listen to Ratchet?

Ratchet, look out!

Whoa!

Oh, my.

Buzz Blades? I taught you better than that!

Some of it got in my mouth! It's in my mouth!

He's just too good.

Oh, dear.

Whoa!

Clank!

Tornado Launcher!

Nefarious may be a homicidal lunatic, but he sure can build a gun.

Qwark, please! You're not a villain!

You're not like Nefarious.

This isn't you, and you know it!

If Umbris is destroyed, everyone will die, including us!

Is that how you want to be remembered?


I'm... I'm sorry.

I don't know how things got this far.

This is just pathetic!

Nefarious.

Give it up. It's over.

As head of the Galactic Rangers, uh, he's here to place you under arrest.

Me?

Absolutely.

Arrest this man for his speakable crimes against the galaxy.

My crimes?

The real crime is how you treated me!

The Rangers couldn't even give me a proper laboratory!

We have an operational budget!

You called me "King of the Nerd Herd!"

It was a term of endearment!

Day after day, I slaved away, creating all the weapons and devices that made you look like a hero.

But you're not a hero. You're not even a good villain!

You're the galaxy's biggest joke.

Maybe.

But now the last laugh is on you.

Wait, what? That didn't make any sense.

Sure it did. No, it didn't.

It sounded like you were combining

"The joke is on you" with "I'll have the last laugh."

Take your pick.

That's not how it works!

Get ready to engage mag-boosters!

Ratchet and Clank are still inside.

Drek's going to fire at any moment! We don't have any more time!

My point is, if you're going to use a one-liner, it should make sense, and be relevant to the situation!

Look, I workshop thousands of these a year, and they can't all be gold!

Now, put your hands in the air!

Over your dead body!

Whoa!

Incoming.

Whoa!

Mommy!

Dialing Mother.

Hello, Horkelberg residence!

Mag-boosters engaged!

Full power!

It's working.

Stay with it.

Steady now! Steady!

Whoa!

What's happening?

Whoa!

Deplanetizer now online.

Qwark! Don't let him turn it on!

Get off me, you has-been!

You know, maybe Drek was right.

I am a mad scientist.

Whoo-hoo! They missed!

Lousy, insolent, idiotic...

Break off. Break off!

Copy that.

Ratchet, you have to get out of there now!

Weapon locker depleted.

Hmm.

Yeah. We're working on it.

No! My plan! You've ruined my plan!

You've had this one coming a long time, Qwark!

Of all my brilliant creations, it remains one of my favorites.

Meet the RYNO, as in, "Rip You A New One."

Hey, Nefarious? What?

Meet the Omniwrench.

Warning. Now entering Umbris atmosphere.

Any ideas?

Hmm.

Come on, guys. Get out of there. Come on!

They'll never make it out in time.

We've got to help.

It's too late. There's nothing we can do.

We must find one of Drek's teleporters!

I saw one on the bridge! Watch out!

Hang on, boys.

It's here! Hit the brakes!

Relax, I know what...

Qwark! Oh, no.

I can't reach you in time. Just get out while you can!

Teleporter charging. Hmm.

What are you doing?

Improvising!

Oh!

Are we dead?

Huh?

We are alive.

All Rangers alive and accounted for.

Whoo! Welcome back, Rangers! Good job!

How many planets do you think I'll have to save for them to call me a hero again?

You don't have to do big things to be a hero, Qwark.

Just the right ones.

Oh.

I don't know, maybe it'll be worth something someday.

Hmm.

I must say that it is curious that the sudden cessation of velocity relative to our inertia did not cause either of you to...

Oh, dear.

Don't worry, Cadet. It happens to the best...

Oh, that was terrible.

Oh, boy.

Make it stop!

Should we go and join the others?

I'd like to, but there's a promise I have to keep to an old friend.

I understand.

Don't worry. I'm sure we'll run into each other again someday.

It's a small galaxy.

Well, I suppose this is goodbye.

You can let go now, Ratchet.

Ah...

Come on, what's the holdup?

Paying good money for this.

I haven't got all day!

And that was the scene today as thousands gathered to welcome home the Galactic Rangers, making their triumphant return from saving our galaxy.

Grateful citizens gathered at the famed Hall of Heroes to mark this day that will live in hearts and minds forever.

As for Private Qwark, the recently demoted Ranger will embark upon his galaxy-wide apology tour while shamelessly promoting his new book, Listen, I Said I Was Sorry, All Right?

When asked for a comment, the former captain had this to offer.

Prepare to be blown away by my epic humility.

There was, however, one curious absence from today's festivities, that of new Ranger sensation and media darling, Ratchet, leaving this reporter with one question.

What does a Lombax do after saving the galaxy?

We may never know.

And now, a story about a baby glypod who can play the ukulele.

Come on, we haven't got all day!

We have 10 more proton scrubs to do before lunch if we want to stay on schedule!

I've got to be honest, I kind of thought you'd be so touched by the gesture, you'd call us even.

Well, you thought wrong, didn't you?

Ah, keep your shirt on, I heard you. You see these ears?

Hey! Wait! Wait! Please wait for me! I have abandonment issues!

Might I offer a suggestion?

Modifying that proton scrubber with a Gadgetron quasar flash would increase your efficiency by 47.4%.

A quasar flash, huh? Gee, I don't know.

That kind of tech takes two to operate.

And Grim's not as nimble as he used to be.

Then perhaps I could remain here and assist, if you do not mind me staying around a while.

You kidding?

Things have been way too quiet without you around.

I do bring a certain level of zing to the table, don't I?

Yeah, Clank. You're a real wild one.

Speaking of which, am I to assume that you have retired from the Galactic Rangers?

Nah. Once a Ranger, always a Ranger.

Believe me, the minute somebody tries to blow up another planet, I'll be ready to go.

But, hey, what are the odds of that happening?

Precisely 87,534 to one.

Yep. A real wild one.


No! Get away from me!

Do not stick that thing in...

Oh! Oh! Oh!

Quit trying to repair me, you moron!

I am not a robot!


Huh? Are you still here?

All the logos and doohickeys already went by.

That means it's over. Move along.

No extra little scene at the end of the movie.

If I find out who started that nonsense, why, I'm going to plant my boot so far up...

I said, beat it!

Sheesh!