Real Genius (1985) Script

Crossbow, this is Watchdog. Confirm transmissions.

Roger, Watchdog. Crossbow is on Discriminator, and all systems are go.

Roger, we mark you go for maneuvering sequence.

Watchdog, this is Crossbow. Confirm we are go for arm.

Affirmative, Crossbow.

Select electrics to max, vents to open, and systems to onboard.

- Roger. Crossbow is armed. Roger.

We have confirmation. Rabbit in the hole.

Moving Target Indicator, engaged.

- Pathfinder on. I'm going on the scope. Roger.

Scanner on.

Target locked. Tracking locked.

- Roger. Easy does it. That's it.

Hold it right there.

The Crossbow Project.

- There's no defence like a good offense. Mission accomplished.

- Outstanding, Crossbow. Just like shooting ducks in a barrel.

Our scientists are turning an engineering dream...

...into an effective reality. All we have to do is build it.

Nice weapon, isn't it? What did you think, Roy?

I think there weren't enough girls in it.

I have a tape on alternate uses, mini-shuttle plans...

...and B-1 modifications for aerial launch.

Does any responsible agency know about this?

It's a need-to-know basis. The CIA's responsible.

They do need to know. You're gonna cause an escalation.

Our studies indicate this weapon is useless in warfare.

It's not for war. It's a peacetime weapon. That's why it's secret.

So it's both immoral and unethical? Yes.

When do we get it?

There is a tiny technical problem with the energy source...

I don't want problems. We have plans for it this summer.

I need a success. I don't need any delays jeopardizing that.

Am I making myself clear? Clear as vodka.

Tell Dr. Hathaway to get on the stick.

I'm gonna have to push harder. As long as we have a weapon by June.

Right? I wouldn't know.

I haven't had a working weapon since Korea.

I'm sorry, this is too much.

I'm gonna ask for a reassignment. I'm sorry to hear that, George.

I urge you to stop.

Thanks for your input. Sorry you won't be on the team.

Maybe next time.

Too bad. Used to be a good man.

I'm afraid we're gonna have to liberate George.

Liberate? You mean, liquidate?

Let's see that film on blinding techniques. Then we'll have lunch.

Could you sign this? Are you Doctor Hathaway?

I just loved your television show. Thank you. That's very kind of you.

What is Mr. Einstein really like? Dead.

Dad, laser means light amplification by stimulated emissions of radiation.

So this is coherent light.

Oh, so it talks, right? No.

Dr. Hathaway, what a surprise! How are you?

Is something wrong with the test scores? If there is, it's because...

I thought I'd bring you the news myself.

I got word from admissions. Mitch is in at Pacific Tech.

Wonderful! Way to go!

Don't shake his head!

How you doing? Fine.

Nice display here. Thanks.

It's a flash lamp ultraviolet laser at 342 nanometres.

As you know, there is interest in the iodine laser for fusion.

This is molecular iodine. This laser doesn't suffer from recombination.

You must be proud.

Proud? Sure.

He's the first student we've accepted for winter term.

I bet he's the youngest too. The youngest was 12.

He cracked under the pressure...

He's 15. There won't be any problem.

Listen, about the scholarship. You're gonna give him a bonus, right?

No. But by allowing Mitch to progress at a quicker rate...

...we give him the chance to fill a greater portion of his potential.

We want the best for Mitchie. I saw your show on radioactive isotopes.

And I've got a question. Yes?

Is that your real hair? Yeah?

Tell me, is Mitch adopted? Why, no!

It's amazing. Isn't it?

I need something to eat. Come on.

Bye, Dr. Hathaway. Goodbye.

See you later, honey.

They're okay. Sometimes they don't know what I'm talking about.

I'm sure about that. Tell me, are you gonna miss your friends?

No, I think I intimidate other kids. Good boy.

Understand, compared to you, most people have the IQ of a carrot.

We're different from most people. Better. I'm...

There you are, doctor! Hi. Yes, one second.

I've put you on my research team with the best minds. This is only...

...the second time for a freshman. The first was Chris Knight, right?

You've heard of him? He's a physics legend.

You'll be working with him. He's a senior now, as brilliant as ever.


This job will be waiting, Chris. Great.

We have a physical plant here. You have a Jacuzzi?

Absolutely. Good.

And the labs and offices are over this way. Follow me, please.


Meet Chris Knight. This is Sherry. Pleased to meet you.

This is Mike Dodd. Dr. Dodd?

He designed our new Telcom satellite. It's an honour to meet you.


The satellite raining debris all over Europe?

Why is that on your head?

If I wear it anywhere else, it chafes.

I'm sorry. I didn't want you to think I was stuffy.

You know, no fun. All brain, no penis.

Pardon me? I'm sorry.

It's an infantile response to authority.

You are Chris Knight? I hope so. I'm wearing his underwear.

It's a joke! I get it! Funny!

I can't help it. You're such fun.

We try to be. Isn't that right, Mike?


Sherry's gonna show you around. Ask questions about benefits, dress codes.

I'll see you in my office later. Great.

Take care of him. He's one of the ten finest minds in the country!

Someday I hope to be two of them.

You are beautiful. Thanks.

Did I come off stuffy?

You don't act like one of the top ten minds.

How many have you met? Seven.

Really? You'll be eight.

Professor Hostetler was number six.

Old Professor Hostetler? Isn't he dead?

He is now.

Hello. I'm looking for the Freshman Tea?

Oh, good. I'm so glad we have one then.

I don't think so. Gene.

This is Mitch Taylor. Hathaway's bright star.

Yes, sir. You're already on his project.

We expect great things from you. I hope so.

A bit of advice. Oh, thank you.


Never forget to check your references.

Okay. Thank you.

I better be going. Sorry.

The young people enjoy it when I "get down" verbally.

Where's the funeral?

How you doing, sport?

Hey, Bobby, wait up, man!

See if he's in his room. He might be in there.


What kind of place is this? Hi.

Would you be prepared if gravity reversed itself?

I can't figure out how to keep change in my pocket.

I've got it! Nudity!

I was here earlier...

You didn't straighten up? No.

Good. All my filth is in alphabetical order. This was under "H" for toy.

What is that?

It's a penis stretcher.

Wanna try it? No!

I'm kidding. It's another diversion in an attempt to avoid responsibility.

I left my bags. Now they're empty.

You see, Mitch, I used to be you.

I've been missing me, so I asked if I could room with me again.

I put your stuff in the bottom drawer.

I threw out the sports jacket. Duck!

Nice reflexes. I'm Chris Knight.

Oh, no. Oh, yes. Duck again!

Oh, my God! It's heading for the gas tanks. Duck!

Was that a launch problem or a design problem?

We're falling behind. We're not making sandwiches.

Get down!

Are you crazy? You could have killed us!

I cannot be seen with you.

But since I'm driving, shouldn't you be hiding?

He saw me.

The climate has changed. We need a working model in four months, not 18.

You can't dictate innovation, Don.

I'll put it another way.

You know the money for development? Yes.

When a project gets cut off, the finance boys always run an audit.

I see.

Having a little work done on the old place, Jer? Fraud is a felony.

What are you looking at? You're labourers!

That's what you get for not having an education.

Get out of here! Go on! Get out!

Got it! Yeah!

Are you two...?

Hey! Yes?

Put down the sandwiches and go. Me?

No, Yoda. Yeah, you! Just a bit.

I don't have any... Brains?

No. Sandwiches. What good are you?

What will we eat? Are you from the restaurant?

No! I'm Mitch Taylor. I'm a student. Dr. Hathaway told me to come up here.

So you're the new stud, are you?

How do you mean? Stud. Hotshot. Brain.

You're 12, right? I'm 15. Are you expecting him...?

Yeah. Can I get you something?

A balloon? I'm supposed to check over your work.

Check it over? Well, yes.

For what? Mistakes, I guess.

He said you guys were stuck. No! Let's get something clear here.

Okay, when Jerry's not here, you do what I say.

It goes from God to Jerry to me. Get it?

Hello, Jerry.

You don't get to use my first name. Did I?

How you doing, Mitch? I'm sure you'll all be friends.

We're on our way. Good.

I want you to take your cues from Mitch.

His ideas are the most original I've seen.

So Mitch is in charge of the group. Really, Jerry?

You're doing it again. Oh, am I?

Where is Knight? He didn't bother to come in today.

Yes? He said he didn't feel like it.

I said, "You better or you'll be in trouble." He said, "Jam it!"

Great. You're not stuttering. I give myself shock treatments.

Up the voltage.

I'm sorry he's not here... That clown? Look!

Kent decided to start without him.

The yield's insignificant. We think the sample's damaged.

What? Obviously the result of negligence.

It'll take a week to prepare a new sample. I was afraid of this.

Are you sure? We're sure. Positive.

Excuse me. There is no excuse for it.

Yeah, Mitch, what is it? The pump laser is down.



Well, it seems to be all better now.

Don't touch other people's things!

Kent, I need you. Anything, Jerry.

What? Do you want me to teach your class for you?

No, I need you to get copies of all the data so far.

So Mitch can check everything tomorrow.

My pleasure. After that, stop by my cleaners.

Don't give it a thought.

Mitch, shall we? On the moment. Sure.

Well, I guess it goes from God to Jerry to you... the cleaners.

Right, Kent?

Library. Library... 205.

Welcome to Pacific Tech's "Smart People on Ice."

Let's go skating.

Ick, the ice turned out great!

Yeah, it worked, didn't it?

How did you do it? Sure.

I tell you, you tell somebody else, next we're in another ice age.

Everybody must be skating. You're a slack!

Moles and trolls. What?

Moles and trolls. Work. We never see daylight.

We plan for weeks and all they do is study. I'm disgusted.

I'm sorry, but it's not like me. I'm depressed.

We had one entry for the Madame Curie look-alike contest...

...and he was disqualified later. Why do I bother?

Let's go! What are you, a bunch of weirdos?

Want a cherry? I grow them myself. What?

Okay, push once.

Are you okay?

No, not emotionally. I'm disappointed. Not terribly.

It should have gone further, faster.

The problem is obviously the drag coefficient.

I'll have to redesign the blades. I can do that.

But I've got to cut them, and that takes time.

How long will this last? Maybe a half an hour.

That's great. I can do that.

Okay. What's your name? Mitch.

Thanks for your help. See you later.

You're welcome!

Who was that? That...

I'm Jordan. I heard there was someone new. Are you it?


Do you have a bed? Yeah.

I'd make you one, but you have one. Okay, see you later. Bye.


What's all this? This? This is ice.

This is what happens when water gets cold.

This is Kent. This is what happens when people get sexually frustrated.

This should keep you busy.

This with your classes should turn your brain to mush.

That's unfair. And we were gonna make you carnival king.


Ha, ha. You're in on this too. Did you make it?

I'm not saying. Who'll clean it?

You don't have to. It's gonna go directly to gas.

Really? What is it?

All I can tell you is it's rare and unstable.

Just like you.

You're degenerates. We are?

I found you naked with Jell-O! You did not!

This is true.

I was hot, and I was hungry. Okay?

I got news for you, Knight.

You're not first anymore. First what?

Mitch beat your scores by 20 points. Yeah, you did?

You think you're hot stuff, huh? No.

Maybe you are smarter than me.

But can you do this?

Ick, what's happening with the ice? Open a window!

Ick, I'm melting!

It worked! Neat!

Now if we can keep it from exploding. Exploding? Oh, God.

Hey, Ick. You're just joking about exploding, right?

Ick? It's a joke, right?

Good morning. I saw you come in. We met last night? I'm Jordan.

I made you a sweater. Last night?

It's something I do. Hope the size is right.

I used my brother as a comparison.

I went ahead and made you one, because I was up.

Are you peeing? Yeah.

I never sleep. I drove my roommate nuts.

She's okay, but she had to transfer. I don't know if that's my fault.

If you ever need to talk, let me know, because I never sleep, okay?

I will. Are you done?

I can't start. Because I'm here?

I think so.

Weird. Well, I have to go. Me too.


Good morning!

Chris? Morning.

You know, something strange happened this morning.

Was it a dream where you're standing in a robe on a pyramid...

...with 1000 naked women screaming and throwing pickles at you?


Why am I the only person that has that dream?

Is that liquid nitrogen?

Coffee? No.

What happened? There's a guy in our closet.

You've seen him too?

Who is he?


Why does he go in? Why do you go in?

To get my clothes. But that's not why he does.

Of course not. Your clothes would never fit him.


Think before you ask.

Twenty points higher and thinks a guy like that can wear his clothes.

plus y, equals zero.

This is it!

Come on, get out of here! Get!

You wanted to see me? Mr. Knight.

Right on time. Unusual these days.

You still run? Only when chased.

What smells? Must be the dog.

That's popcorn. I know.

Get it away from me. I hate popcorn. Put it over there.

Now I know what to get you for your birthday.

I guess we're moving up in the world, eh?

Very elegant. Try not to touch anything.

Is this okay, sir? It's oak, it's not plywood.

Quite a change from the old place. Shoes.

I want to see more of you in the lab.

Fine. I'll gain weight.

You're very funny, Chris. Thanks, Jerry, we try.

You can sit.

When I brought you here, I thought you'd be an Einstein.

You were on your way. Then? I got a haircut.

You're disappointing me. And you me.

Look, it's about our deal. I know, Jerry.

I've advanced your project more than anyone.

Yesterday. What have you done for me today?

Well, uh...

I want five megawatts by mid-May.

I think you might be getting obsessive about all this. I took in Mitch, okay?

He's coming along fine. He's working his guts out.

So, what do you want? I want five megawatts by mid-May.

Look, I don't care if you're arrogant or disrespectful.

But you're distracting Mitch. That I won't have.

The rules have changed. I want it by mid-May.

Jerry, I think you're forgetting one little detail. I'm out of here.

I'm gone, I'm history. I'm Casper.

I'm graduating. To graduate, you need my course.

I have a say about what you do and where you go.

So you and Mitch will spend every moment in the lab.

You will solve my power problem by my deadline.

If you think that threatening me will make me your slave, you're right.

But I'm only saying this because I care.

There are decaffeinated brands that are as tasty as the real thing.

I'm not kidding, Chris.

Neither am I, Jerry.

Hi, Mitch.

Do me a favour.

Taste this. Come on, you won't hurt my feelings.

What, too sweet?

What is it? I don't know, it was in the lab.

Relax, it's just yogurt.

Mitch, are you all right? No, I'm not.

This combination of cyanide is dumb. This is the wrong direction.

Only you know how to use this garbage. And I'm getting brain-fried.

I'll make it up to you. Let's just pause, put that down.

Let's just take a step back.

No, take a step forward.

Now, take a step back. And a step forward. Then step back.

Will you stop? I'm serious. Okay, I'm serious too.

Let's charge it up. Give me everything you got.

I gotta connect the capacitors. Okay, this is work time.

How you doing? Fine. Don't rush me.

Okay, just take your time. Everything's fine.

What is taking so long?

I'm coming.



What are you doing? Waiting.

It's just the fuse. It'll be back on in a minute.

I shouldn't have used the building transformer.

But, more importantly, did we get a charge?

What'd you do?

Wait! Come on, Sputnik.

You wanted help, so here we go.

Beautiful minds. We have work.

We're going to work. Hard work.

This must've taken hours.

Let's find out.

I told you they'd come back on.

What's this? It's a laser beam, bozo.

What's it for? Not what. Where.

What? Follow it. It's a surprise.

Like it?

Hey, what's the beam splitter for?

What's the matter? Need everything spelled out for you?

Come on, let's tan!

One for Mitch.

Come on in, the South Pacific calls you.

Who're the girls? Not from around here.

They're from a nearby college. Where?

The Wanda Trossler Beauty School.

They're beauticians? Not yet.

I don't know. Your genius might impress them.

I don't see how.

Given the type of guys you are...

...this may be your only chance in your entire lives... have sex.

Think about it.

Destiny! I've got her now.

Don't you know that eating that can give you large breasts?

Oh, my God. I'm too late.

Don't think I don't want my invention to work.

The day's only so long. Ready to go.

Pushing me doesn't help. Tell them that.

Start showing results or they'll find somebody else.

Oh, really? You won't have your big toys.

I'm the best. Do you know who you're dealing with?

How dare you try this. I have to go on.

This conversation is in incredibly poor taste.

Son of a bitch. Asshole.

Welcome to Everything, with Jerome Hathaway.

Funded by a grant from Darlington E lectronic Instruments.

Hi, I'm Jerry Hathaway, with Everything.

Tonight, we'll look at something that most of us take for granted.

The colon. What does it look like?

Get out of there.

Kent! Cut!

You're in front of the teleprompter. Well, I didn't know.

We need to talk. Get my laundry?

Yes, but there's more. The gravy.

No, that came out. Chris and Mitch, they're at a party.

With girls.

I want you to show me. My pleasure.

Hi, are you busy? Yes. No.

Wanna help test my rebreather? Come on!


It's a simple principle. It's basically a filter.

It lets CO2 out and O2 back in, but no bubbles.

How come you're not...? Necking? I'm not gay!

No, partying.

Because I'm 19 and I'm brilliant and hyperkinetic.

Guys are afraid. I guess I should be upset.

I think you're very nice.

I think you're nice too.

Do you want to try this?

It's lighter in the water. How about you?


Why aren't you in the lab? I just...

You're here to work, not to play doctor.

I got delayed. Where's Knight?

You both make me sick. Kent!

I took a chance recommending you. I can see I made a mistake.

I hope you're proud of yourself.

Dr. Hathaway? What?

Are you wearing makeup?


I need one more course to complete my humanities credits.

I'd like to make a collect call to Mrs. Bill Taylor.

Come on, come on. Mitch Taylor.

I got a great idea.

What? Hold it down!

Mom, I...

I want to come home.

- Are you there? Baby, you sound upset.

I don't like it here. I wanna come home.

You rented out my room?! To who?

Mr. Echevarria, the plumber.

Where were you last night? The lab, where you should've been.

Jordan said that Hathaway was mad. What exactly did he...?

Let me hold that thought and get back to you.

- Are you there? Baby, you sound upset.

I don't like it here. I wanna come home.

It's not for you to like, it's for you to do.

- You're 15 years old. I wanna come home.

- You want to live with me and Daddy? Yeah.

- I'll go back to high school. We've rented out your room.

- Mom, to who? Mr. Echevarria, the plumber.

We can share it. I don't wanna stay here.

- That doesn't sound like my soldier. Mitch, this is your dad.

- Hi, Dad. Are you crying?

- I'm sorry. I hope nobody sees.

- I'm a kid. You've never been just a kid.

If you wanna leave, go ahead.

But you're gonna miss the fun.

What fun?

Ick's releasing a new virus in Kent's room.

The other night I needed your help. I helped you relax.

Being snubbed by beauticians is not relaxing.

Student beauticians.

I thought this place was different. But it's the same.

In high school, I got put in a mailbox.

Teachers hated me because I was smarter.

Students hated me because I blew the bell curve.

I was just like you.

I had white shirts and Hush Puppies and a briefcase.

Girls never talked to me.

When I got here, for three years I studied constantly.

You? Yeah.

One night, sitting right here, I had a vision.

What? Hollyfeld.

The guy in the closet? Lazlo Hollyfeld.

I followed him into the closet, down into the tunnels.

There I saw the most disgusting thing I've ever seen.

What? Lazlo in his pajamas.

So? So I talked to him.

You did? Yeah.

He was a stud around here in the '70s. Smarter than us put together.

What happened? Did he crack?

He cracked, severely.

Why? He loved his work.

What's wrong with that? That's all he did.

He loved problems, he loved the answers.

But he thought that the answers were the answers for everything.

All science, no philosophy.

One day, someone told him the stuff he made was killing people.

So, what? I'm gonna end up in a tunnel?

Yeah. What?

You are, if you keep up like this.

You don't need to run away.

When you're smart, people need you.

You can use your mind creatively.

I noticed you don't study hard. Bingo.

Yeah, but if I stay, what should I do?

First, get even with Kent. It's a moral imperative.

Yeah. Yeah!

Now, you try it.

Now, let's unpack. Right.

That's what makes Darlington so sweet.

But Knight's got it locked. Maybe, maybe not.

Come on, you guys. He's gone.

Kent's name is on his plates. Like my underwear.

You have license plates in your underwear?

Hey, Kent.

That's your car.

You're not supposed to park on campus. This isn't funny.

You've gone too far. I had help.

You, huh?

Dr. Hathaway's gonna hear about this. You'll rue the day!

"Rue the day"? Who talks like that?

Wow. Hello.


Jerry asked me to drop by. What about you?

What? Which word didn't you understand?

You here for the meeting? Meeting?

I don't know. Okay.

Look, I'm just waiting. Great.

If you can't do it, we'll get somebody else.

I have a timetable. We're close, everything'll be fine.

Remember, you work for me. I've made my point.

Crystal clear. Anything I should know about?

I'll be with you in a moment. Goodbye, Jerry. Susan.

I guess this is goodbye. I'm sorry I didn't get a chance to know you.

Have you ever seen a body like this before?

She's my daughter. Well, then I guess you have.

Coming, Don? Yeah.

If there's ever anything I can do for you...

...or to you, you let me know.

Can you hammer a nail with your penis? Not now.

A girl's gotta have her standards.

Smart girl. What're you doing?

You said come over. Stay off the rug.

Take off your shoes.

What's up, doc? Sit down.

Who were they? You're of no use to me!

Interesting way to start. I'm giving Kent the job.

You gave me the job. You need a degree.

I'll pass your exam. Even if you pass, you don't pass.

Why don't you leave right now? I'll go to Dr. Meredith.

The work I've done merits a degree. Who will he believe, you or me?

You can't do this. It's done. Now get out!

You'll never work in this field.

You unbelievable bastard. Count on it.

What're you doing?

I was thinking of the immortal words of Socrates, who said:

"I drank what?"

Is there something wrong?

Hathaway is going to flunk me out of school.

Why? I screwed up.

What are you gonna do? I'll leave.

You can't! You'll be a failure!

Thank you, Mitch.

You just can't leave. You owe me ten bucks.

You can't quit.

If for no other reason than to see a five-megawatt laser fire.

That would be nice.

Finish what you start. Who said that?

You know that.

That's right, Mitch. But that's no way to motivate someone.

You've got to get even with Hathaway.

It's a moral imperative.

That's a good point.

Vito, not again.

Why don't you get some sleep.

It's not like we're driving or anything. You're still a growing boy.

Hey, Lazlo.


That's me. Hello.

I've been watching you.


I thought I'd help, so I found every question Hathaway's asked...

...on every final he's given.

Gee, I didn't get you anything.

Are those they?


These are sweepstakes entries.

Enter as often as you want, so I am.

That's great! How many times?

Well, this batch makes it 1,650,000.

I should win 32.6% of the prizes, plus the car.

That takes the fun out of it, doesn't it?

They set up the rules, and I realized I have certain materialistic needs.


Where are the questions?

I memorized them.


I gotta go to sleep.

Did you wanna borrow my pajamas?

No, thanks.

Hey, he's a pretty smart kid. Yeah.

He'll grow five inches in the next year.

Mitch? Jordan?

Mitch Taylor?


My name is Sherry Nugil. I've waited three years for this.

For what? For you to be old enough.

For what? For this.

Come in!

Hi, Mitch! I'm just sanding my floor!

Could you turn that off a second?!

How come you're so sweaty?

I came back from helping Chris, and a woman was in my room.

Pardon? A woman. You know, she was an adult.

Well, she wanted to...

How can I say this? Jump you?

Yeah. You made it?

No. That's what was unbelievable. Pardon?

I stopped her. I told her I didn't want to.


Because I really did want to.

I wanted to, but not with her.


This is my class hour! It's May 10th.

What are you doing here? Me?! What are you doing here?

Decker is dangerous! Where's the laser?

Coming. It's not even breathing hard.

He wants it by the end of the week!

Now you listen to me! You grovelling bug!

I have exams! I'm doing what I can, so get off my back!

That should just about do the trick, as long as you stay cool.

Let's go, girls. What does that mean?

It's a figure of speech. You guys coming to the exam?

I guess, since Hathaway's gone to the trouble of having one.

You coming, buddy boy?

I'll catch up. I gotta go to the bathroom.

I don't think that's gonna help your confidence any, do you?

Buddy boy.

Let's see how funny you think this is.

Buddy boy.

All right, we...

We have exactly three hours.

And remember, we believe in the honour system.

It'll be apparent how many of you haven't absorbed this material.

Take one, like your IQ was normal.

Good luck, buddy boy.

Can I name my first child after you? "Dipshit Knight" has a nice ring.

No. No!


My condolences on your meltdown.

What meltdown, Kent?

I'm not saying that you had one, because how would I know?

But just in case you do.

You slime. It's your own fault.

Didn't anyone ever tell you to make sure your optics are clean?

I can do it! How does it feel to be frozen?!

Ice is nice!

Lazlo, buddy! Seen Mitch? No.

He's not in there.

How'd you do? I passed! But I failed!

Well, then I'm happy and sad for you.

Gotta find Mitch. Mitch!

He's not in the toilet.

I'll freeze it and get at least an order of magnitude.

Because it's gonna be frozen. I think I can do it.


Hey, man! You're not Mitch.

Hey, Lazlo! Wanna see a demonstration of gravity?

It can be done! That's a window! That's a door!

Mitch! Where's your math!?

Hey, you jerk!

I'm very sorry. I'll buy you a car.

I don't have one. It's my dad's.

How's it going, Jerry?

What do you want?

World peace, but this isn't the time.

Get out! This might interest you.

I'm not interested. Dr. Hathaway...


I solved the power problem, Jerry.

Jerry? Take a cab.

So you'll hammer later.

We were working on the cyanide system.

Well, earlier today, it ate itself.

But that's just what we needed to take a giant step forward.

Right, Kent?

Needless to say, I was despondent about the meltdown.

In the midst of my preparations for hari-kari... came to me.

It's possible to synthesize bromide in an argon matrix.

Excimers, frozen in an excited state. That's impossible.

It's a chemical laser, but solid, not gaseous.

Put simply, in deference to Kent, it's like lasing dynamite.

We couple it to a state that is radiatively coupled to the ground.

Extracting 10-to-the-21 st protons per cubic centimetre...

...will give 1 kilojoule per cubic centimetre, or a megajoule per litre.

Hotter than the sun.

It's small. It's meant to be.

We only have the one sample...

...and it's going to destroy itself as it lases.

But everything will be fine.

Right, Mitch? Yeah.

This is a complete waste of time.

Kent, put the target in front of the cinder blocks.

Okay, come behind the shield.

Okay, Mr. Taylor. Any time you're ready.

Ready? Laser on!

All right!

Look at this!


Sorry about the window. And the trees across the quad!

You did it.

I did my part too.

You graduate. You get the job.

What? You can't! That's my job.

I've done everything you've ever asked me to.

I teach your classes for you!

I get your laundry! What is he doing?

I mounted the optics for the target-tracking system.


Wait. Wait.

Let's celebrate! Absolutely.

You see anything unusual on the campus?

My glasses! Well, try not to wobble.

There is a complete hole. That's great.


Let's get a burger.

Let's go! In there?

This place is wild.

Do you see that? Like her? She's from Playa del Rey.

Am I gonna meet your parents? No.

Why? Are you ashamed of me? No, them.

Remember the right people to thank on this.

I'd like to thank my fish. What?!

And Mr. Ikagami! I love it.

What are you saying?


I'm glad you came out. Want a hamburger?

I've been thinking about your laser solution.

You've increased it to 6 megawatts. Yeah, about that.

What would you use it for? Enormous Swiss cheese?

It can do anything.

No. The beam would last for what, 15 seconds?

What good is that? I respect you, but I graduated.

Let the engineers figure that out.

Maybe it already has a use...

...for which it's designed.

Hathaway has something in mind?

Look at the facts. Very high power, portable... firing time, unlimited range.

With a tracking system and a mirror... could vaporize a human from space.

This is not good.


What happened?

Oh, no.

Chris. I'm all right.

They took everything. Kent's tracking system is gone!

How could you build that mirror?!

He lied to us.

It's easy to lie to you, Mitch.

You trust people.

I'm a cynic.

I'm such an asshole.

I understand how you feel. You're right.

But we need to find out what he's doing.


Shh, you guys!

We'll have two minutes. Pardon?

Hi. Hi.

Okay, open his mouth.


And transceiver.

And tweezers.

The braces gave me the idea.

Perfect antennae. His head becomes a speaker.

It's about time someone put it to good use.


Kent. Wake up, Kent.

- Kent. What?

I'm talking to you, Kent.

- What is this? I said, I'm talking to you.

No. Yeah.

Well, I'm not asleep.

- I must be overworked. You're not overworked, Kent.

Well, I'm not insane!

- Or am I? That remains to be seen, Kent.

But we are having a conversation.

- Okay, who is this? This is Jesus, Kent.

And you've been a very naughty boy!

All right, who is this?

Cut the crap. You built a weapon. What?

What do you think a secret phase conjugate tracking system is for?

A big mirror makes a big beam.

I guess it could be.

Where's the laser now?

I overheard Jerry mention something about a test on the 27th.

But I don't know where. It's classified.

What? Oh, nothing.

I want you to think about what you've done, Kent.

And from now on...

...stop playing with yourself!

It is God.

Now what?

Phase two.

What is it with you?

What's that?

These military are so untrusting. Can we get clearance?

We will. It'll just take six hours. Forget it. We'll balls it.

How do these look?

Mine looks like him, and his looks like me.

Great, I hope.

What if they don't work? They shoot us.

I. D?

Show these to the next guard. You bet.

I.D. s?

Can you snap it up? We're late, we're tired, we're hungry.

Are you crazy? You gotta intimidate these guys.

You're not on the list.

Yeah, that's because we're classified.


Aren't you young for technicians?

Lasers are a young science.

There, I said it. Now we're both in trouble.

I'll call the duty officer. Hey there, Airborne.

Make that call, and it's our jobs. We're four hours late.

Give us a break. Someday you'll be in the private sector.


We're dead.

All right! I love it!

Absolutely, sir. Consider it done.

Yes, sir.

Look for anything out of the ordinary.

Mitch, come here.

My God.

Come on.

Communication link? Open.

Diagnostics seem okay. Final check ready.

Sixty-five degrees, nineteen minutes.

All systems go. We're finished here, fellas.


This little polynomial will keep the computer busy.

Where are they?

We've got a connection! They're in!

- Abbott to Costello. Go ahead.

- We've got the goodies. We've got target coordinates.

Roger, we're sending.

What is it?

Oh, nothing.

You didn't think we'd test in space?

Yes, I did, because that's what it was designed for.

But if you want to crawl before we walk...

...that's fine too. Really.

Attention! What?

Superior officer in the room! As you were.

We're ready for the final on-board laser check.

All clear.

I'm replacing the PROM with our EPROM.

Okay, shoot.

May I have the coordinates, please?

34 degrees, 10 minutes. 15.21 seconds north.

119 degrees, 7 minutes...

Right this way.

I'm gonna check the stairs.

Hathaway's coming!

Mitch has told me that Herr Professor is approaching.

What now? Hathaway's coming.

I don't work well under pressure.

Watch your head there.

I hope that works.

Okay, Chris, I mean, Abbott. Hello? Hello?

They're gone!

Okay. Fine. Fine.

Dr. Goy can answer any questions you might have.

Is there any problem with reusing the weapon?

No, the fuel is frozen and contains a self-sufficient unit.

The beauty of this system is...

Is everything all right here? Why shouldn't it be?

I think that just about sums it up.

Shall we take our exit?

Okay, they're gone. That was close.

Nothing like borrowing a B-1, huh, general?

What is it?


Diagnosis of schizophrenia by objective personal analysis...

Hi, Kent.

Oh, I thought you'd gone.

Not yet. Have you been touching yourself?

Yes. I mean, no!

Good. Listen, Kent.

Dad, you know, God, wants to show you something.

Why? I meant what?

I've learned not to ask.

He says to wait in front of Dr. Hathaway's house... 639 Ivy Crest Drive, at precisely 7:08 this morning.

Ivy Crest?

Wait there and you shall receive a sign, but do not go inside.

Well, why not?


Hello, Jesus?

He hung up.

Crossbow One, radar contact, heading 0-2-5.

Maintain flight level 6-5-0.

Roger. Steer 0-2-5 out of five thousand for flight level 6-5-0.

They're here.

Mr. Knight, why is it that I am not surprised to see you here?

I suppose you have an explanation for this event that we're to witness.

First, let me compliment you on your fashion sense.

Particularly your slippers.

Yes, well, Philomena likes them.

Hey, guys!

Good morning.

Congressman Doogan. What brings you around?

I was told there was a situation of international importance.

The weapon is controlled from this module, as it would be in space.

This is an exact duplicate of the cockpit.

The accuracy will be as exact.

- We are nearing the target. Open the bomb bay doors.

Those are serious accusations. I know.

If it's true, I'm going to need proof.

We can accommodate you in just one minute.



Now, listen to me, Jesus.

This is Jerry's house, and we're very close.

If you don't answer me, I'm just gonna have to go in.

So I'm going. No, Kent!

Get away! Kent!

Target locked. In ten.


E ight.

Kent! Come out, Kent!

Okay, God! Let me have it!


I don't understand. Did it fire?

Yes, but there's a problem.

It's not shutting down. Well, shut it down!

What's the problem? Shut it down!



Kent, you okay? That was great!

Something is very wrong.


Unlock the bird's-eye.


I'm tracking where the shot went. I want to know it worked.

Oh, no.

My house. What have you done?

All right!

It's Hollyfeld... a Winnebago!

Lazlo, buddy!

I think we used too much.

I'm sorry you missed it. I had to pack.

Why? Well, I'm getting married.

To whom? What is all this stuff?

Oh, yeah. I won, 31.8% of the prizes.

I'll figure it out. But not this summer.

Sherry? Sherry Nugil?

Isn't it great? This is number one.

I've been looking for him for ten years.

What can I say? She loves me. Congratulations.

You'll have to come and visit us. What?

I have a little survival place in Wyoming.

Yeah, it's getting kinda weird around here.

Bye. Goodbye.

Is it getting too weird around here? Absolutely.

I didn't notice.