Recep Ivedik (2008) Script

Recep Ivedik.

Tell me, why do you avoid the alcohol test?

Plus, you got out of the car and harassed the officers.

Sir, I'm a young man.

That night when I saw something white approaching at waist level, and someone commanded 'Blow it'

All right. Cut it out, you loon.

Take your things and get lost.

Don't you ever show your face again. Move it.

Yes, sir.

Hi. Are you the safe custody guy?

The police chief sent me. I'll take these and leave.

Mobile phone. Belt...

...Window crank.

-What the heck are these? -These are marbles.

They have emotional value for me.

-Uncle, please buy one. -Whoa! Why do you frighten me?

Please, buy one.

I got no money. Get lost.

-Please, buy one. -Boy...

Hey! Dude!

Hey!

Hold it there. Give it to me.

-I found it. -How's that?

What are you gonna do with it?

You don't pay any rent and tax.

What are you going to do?

Piss off!

Fuck off!

Dear viewers, I wish you all a nice day... from the beaches of Antalya.

The beaches are filled with beautiful Russians.

Salih! Put two beers in this basket.

I'll take them on the way up.

I'll take them here.

I'm sick of you, you drunkard.

Listen to me, woman. Don't talk shit.

You know what happened last time when I pulled the rope.

Don't piss me off.

It's just two beers. What are neighbors for?

-Scum! -You fart!

Redneck! Orangutan!

Antalya is swarming with Russians.

Well, well, well. If they are human, then I swear, I'm an animal.

We're with Mr. Muhsin, the owner of the Antalya Joy Nashira Hotel.

Being the highest tax payer this year, what's your secret?

Being the record holder is like a reward.

I owe this success to my honest and righteous personality.

There are some very important moral values for me.

Being fair, being loyal and above all, being honest.

When you're honest, all doors open up for you.

Well put! Bravo!

I swear, you and I are forged in the same furnace.

I'll bring you this myself.

I'll do anything for you.

Bravo! Salih, prepare me some snacks for the road.


Good day. I thought you have some car issues and I stopped.

-Am I right? -Yes. We were driving as usual and the engine suddenly stopped.

We don't know anything about engines.

Could you take a look at it?

I have to ask some questions to understand the problem.

Where did it break down exactly?

How fast does it accelerate to 100 km/h?

Are the rims aluminum or steel?

Are the seats covered of fabric, leather or a mixture?

Does the car have ABS, ESR, EBS?

I should know to apply an appropriate therapy.

Can you tell me all the standard features of the car?

What has that got to do with anything?

Shut up!

Shut up!

If you're that knowledgeable, why didn't you fix it, instead of fluttering here like a dove?

Beat it! Buzz off!

Start the engine.

Get in and start the engine.

Step back! Step back!

I don't trust you at all. You're sneaky.

You're sneaky.

Start the engine.

I am starting!

Come on, start.

Could the battery be dead?

Get back in and don't piss me off, you brat.

It's the battery.

Don't panic. I have a battery.

I'll give you that one.

Start the engine now.

Don't keep the car in gear!

Why are you driving me nuts?

Back off!

Never keep the car in gear!

You don't even know the rules!

All right, anyone can make mistakes.

I'm okay.

It worked.

All right now.

Oh, my sweety.

Sweet thing.

-Thank you. -Don't you dare.

Don't you get near me, you snake.

That electric look in your eyes will get your head crushed.

Buzz off.

Off you go!

Come on.

Have a nice trip, sweeties. Farewell.

Go, clear!

Good lord.

Tozkoparan Road Service.

How may I help you?

-Hello, is that road service? -Yes, sir, I already said that.

I gave my battery to two ladies to help them out.

They left. And what luck, now my car won't start.

If you have given your battery, the car won't start.

What do you mean, it won't start without battery?

-Look sir, the car-- -Does this car not run on gas?

Is this a battery-powered car?

-What a shitty car is this? -Sir, please listen.

Listen. Are you recording this for customer satisfaction?

Yes, I am. So what?

Then, damn all the technical staff who listen to this.

What the hell are you saying? What the hell--


Man!

I'll bash your head in.

Chill out, man. What's up?

Hello. My car broke down.

Where are you guys headed to?

-We're off to Isparta, dude. -And I'm off to Antalya, dude.

-Let's go off together. -Hello, guys.

You twin jerks. I'll rip your tongues out.

Laugh at your own asses. Why are you laughing like a horse?

Why are you laughing? What's wrong with you?

What's wrong with you?

Don't you have parents? What's this filth?

It smells like a stable, it smells like pussy.

Did you eat sheep, nibble goats? What's this filth?

I'm traveling to Antalya with four bacons.

This is absurd, outrageous!

Your asses are all covered with moss because of the filth!

Open a window!

It literally smells like pussy here!

Why on Earth did I join you?

Why... Can I ask why you're staring at me?

Why are you staring?

-What's up? -Why are you staring?

Why do you stare?


Folks, I also like that guy who walks on Taksim Square. Drinks two beers and walks around like me. Teoman.

His lifestyle is just like mine.

I attacked your mother at the market!

You wouldn't sink in the sea, you know.

-Why, am I the Titanic? -No, you look like a cork.

Do you get my sense of humor?

For example, that light there.

I always watch Discovery Channel.

There's this monkey, a fuck-face monkey.

Looks around like that.

The skinny one, with bulging eyes and a white ass.

Everyone looks the other way and he goes like that.

Got it?

It was like a movie.

I didn't understand the animals. First I act on the assumption of myself.

I tried to understand myself but it was also in vain.

That dude is a mile high.

Guys, I'm starting to feel hunger and my gastric juice flows up.

-Do you have the same? -Nope.

Got any chocolate?

Look around a little, maybe you'd find some.

Yes or no? Yes or no?

Let's stop somewhere so that I can get some chocolate.

They are hilarious.

I've never seen such bunch of jerks.


-Hello, brothers. -Welcome.

You got any chocolate?

No. We got beans. Wanna eat?

I could eat even you, Super Mario.

Get some beans.

What is that?

Not so fast, mate.

Are you a member of the Karaambar Truckers community?

Karaambar?

I'm not. So what?

-Then you can't eat those beans. -Why is that?

Only our members can take benefit of our facilities.

I'm not taking benefit of anything. I just want beans.

Serving beans is the most important privilege for our members.

Jeez, I've never seen a place like this.

Then, I want to become a member too.

Prepare the backside. I'm going to make a new member entry.

Watch out, or your new member will enter you.

Behold, two heroes valiant stepped up on the ground.

Both are equally renowned.

Come on, wrestlers.

Wheels roll with prayers and tears, surely shall win, one of these two bears.

Recep leads by one.


Now that we have a draw, it's time for the final crawl. Mahmut.

Recep, come now, win our hearts, by blowing over the bottle with your fart.


Here you are, brother Recep. Your membership card.

From now on, you can always get beans at Karaambar.

God bless you, chief.

Next week, we're opening a gym in the backyard.

Don't forget my movie theater.

We'll do that too. Next year.

Bravo.

I've got a long way to go. Is anybody headed for Antalya?

I'm going that way. Let me give you a lift.

It will be a pleasure. God bless you all.

Life sucks!

-Brakes are for wimps! -Move on Brother Recep.

I only compete with Turkish Airlines.

Long live, Brother Recep.

Roads end, sorrow prevails.

If I say I'll be back, I will.

Thank you, bro.

Otherwise I'd end up stranded here.

There are all kinds of bastards crooks, rapists, killers, perverts.

I'm glad you joined me. The road is long.

It's hard being alone.

I'm happy if it's fine for you.

-Are you single? -Yes. And you?

I'm single, too.

We share the same faith, huh?

You know, no woman is tough like us.

You got a point. They're all fake and sneaky.

They don't like me. I never met a woman that got along with me.

If I were a woman, I'd let you take me at first sight.

I'd let you take me, too.

If I were a woman, you'd be the first to take me.

Usually you can find pictures of women here, but you have only pictures of black males.

Are you into body building?

No, I'm into body builders.

They're so wet, hot, all sweaty.

Screw you, don't piss me off. Pull over here.

-Pull over! -You got me wrong there.

I'll stick that gear lever up your ass.

I just wanted to have a decent conversation and you're after my ass.

-You misunderstood me. -Fatty! Sex-maniac!

-I'll get out here. -All right, bro. Fine.

You're acting stupid.

Fuck off. Shame on you.

Bride of Chucky! Fuck off!

Fuck off and don't drive me nuts!

Is Ankara this way?

You're completely wrong, it's this way. Turn around.

Come this way. I'll come with you.

Hello, friend.

Just go straight and we'll be in Ankara.

Look, don't you dare to hit on me. A truck driver just tried.

I'll smash your face in.

Pull over here.

Turn around here.

Drive 700-800 km straight on and you'll get to Ankara.

-Damn you! -Stop cursing early in the morning.

Oh my.

Look here, Rapunzel. Is Muhsin here?

You mean Mr. Muhsin? What's this about?

It's private. I have something that belongs to him.

I see. Do you have an appointment?

I don't like appointments. I prefer living spontaneous.

A procrastinated, complaining life.

What's that got to do with anything?

Go find me Muhsin. Don't trouble me.

-Where do you come from, mister? -From home, ma'am.

I fought wolves, wrestled with truckers.

I'll handle it, Aysegül. Yes, sir. What's this about?

My almighty God.

You take turns in asking on what matters.

You make such a fuss! I found Mr. Muhsin's wallet and brought it here from Istanbul.

Give it to me and I'll hand it over to him.

-Yeah, right! -What's going on, sir?

Bullshit! Does this look like the eye of a dupe?

-What do you mean? -You're going to pocket it, right?

You're going to grab it, huh? You hyena.

Swipe it all, huh? You snake.

You're completely wrong, sir.

You managers are all corrupt.

You're all brown-nosers when the boss is around.

When they leave, you're the king.

What are you saying?

Go get me Muhsin. Move it.

I'll give it to him in person.

All right, calm down. Can I get an ID?

Please, wait here.

I'll be over there.


Sir, what happened here?

Two kids came along. One from here, the other from over there.

They started to fight, came all the way here.

One of them hit the other in the head.

I caught him in the air and kicked him that way.

Then I slapped the other one. He rolled over to the hall.

The vase began to sway. I couldn't catch it.

Whatever. Mr. Muhsin is waiting for you. I'll handle this. Follow me.

Get this cleaned.

-Get it all cleaned up well. -I'll handle it, sir.

What a fine coffee.

-Enjoy it. -Muhsin, are you a child?

You can't even take care of your wallet.

Those rocker guys you call irresponsible, have their wallets all chained up. But you lose it.

What an absurd, unruly, silly life.

What a disoriented, Bohemian life style.

Come to your senses. This is no way to live.

I can't agree more. It's impossible to find honest people like you.

-Isn't that so, Erim? -Yes, sir. You're right.

I have to return your favor. I'd like to repay.

-If you would accept this. -Are you giving charity?

-By no means. -I was just being humane.

-There's still humane people around. -But Mr. Recep--

Shut up!

In that case, let's accommodate you one week in our hotel for free.

That's unheard of! I despise such offers.

-You could at least-- -Shut up, dork!

Brown noser!

Loser!

Get smart.

Well, I'm off.

I'll have to walk 700-800 km.

Here's my card with my number.

You can call me whenever you want.

-Beware, I'll call whenever I want. -Whenever you want.

-Whenever I need something. -Whenever you want.

-You're just a phone call away. -It's fine.

Muhsin Basaran. My man.

-Goodbye. -Goodbye.

-Yo. Got any smoke? -No, I don't smoke.

Do hot babes come to this hotel?

-Of course. -From where?

Russia, Germany, Netherlands. Very hot chicks.

Look, a tour just came in.

Are you pervert?

It's the first time I see such a group.


What's that on your leg?

That's my birth mark.

My mom's gift. I have it since I was very little.

Looks like shit stain.


Sibel.

Sibel, move it.


Hello. Dear Muhsin. Listen mate.

I've decided to rethink your hotel offer.

-Your name. -I'm answering. Recep Ivedik.

Welcome. Mr. Muhsin has placed you into one of our best suits.

Thanks.

Our hotel is all inclusive. So let me put that on.

What do you mean, "put on"?

I'll put it on myself.

Why are you coming along? I think I can find my room on my own.

That's for sure, but I still have to show you your room.

-Why? -Manager's orders.

All rooms are numbered. Do I look like an idiot? Can't I find my own room?

You're right, but it's the procedure.

Here's our room.

-Hold it there. Step over. -Why?

I don't let any other filthy male enter my privacy.

-I was just going to show the room. -Show what?

Is that an 80 square meter room? Only a 20 square meter room, a bed, a TV and coffee table. What's to show?

You just want to screw money out of me, you snake.

I won't fall for that.

All right, sir. Here you are.

Come over here. Attention!

Where can I get in touch with the group that came in today?

-At dinner. -When?

-Eight o'clock. -Dismissed!

Beat it!

Get out of my way. I'm exhausted.

These bags are heavy like corpses.

The bellboy was going to carry them but you didn't let him.

Just to avoid a tip.

Money is the most valuable thing. You don't squander it away.

Phone. Phone.

Just answer it!

Go to hell, you thick head.

Hello, Ahmet. Sibel?

She's in the shower, dear. She's travel-sore, of course.

Don't worry. I'll make you both get along again.

Of course, my child. May God never separate lovers.

Good evening, my child.

Good evening, my child.

Open your ears. He's the best you can find.

-His family is noble. -You mean rich.

Of course. And he's very generous.

You had a little fight and he sent us to a five star hotel.

You should be grateful that you're lucky like this.

Fuck such luck.

You brute! You're not ashamed at all, are you?

I don't want to hear such things again.


You build a five-star resort but the bottles are like my dick.

How could this be enough?


It's my door, so all is fine.

-Pervert. -Shut up!

You're the pervert. Fatso. Get lost!

All our guests are elite like you.

There are only families here, it's very suited for children.

There's no electrical phase in the room. Where's that bellboy?

Where's the bellboy?

Fadil, deal with it. Let me take you to your room.

What's this? What's going on?

It's the new trend. Idiot, I got locked out.

You can't walk around like this. I'll take care of it.

Come along.

You were supposed to show me the room but didn't do shit.

If it's that simple, why did you make me go downstairs covered in foam, and disgrace myself?

You didn't let me into your room. I would've told you.

When you put your card in here, you get power.

I'll never set foot in that damn tub again.

I'll wipe off my armpits and my testicles every other week.

That's it.

-What time is it? -11 pm.

-So I missed dinner, huh? -Yes.

I like the light in your eyes. Let's have a beer with you.

I'd like to, but the manager would get mad.

Don't get me started with your manager.

Don't get me started with your manager.

I'm aggressive and I have complexes.

I'll beat the shit out of your manager.

Sit down. All sorts of shit happened to me cause of you.

-Why is that? -What do you mean why?

I got out because of the card thing, thinking the room had no power.

Just when I was taking care of it, I got locked out.

A fat, repulsive woman came along and called me pervert.

There's one in your neighborhood just like her. I hate her too.

I'm aggressive and have complexes, but when I lower my shields, I'm as tame as a cat.

-You mean... -You have to be kind to me.

Today is a very important day for our hotel. We have to be very alert.

What's with that shirt? Button up. You should set an example.

Where have you been?

I was with Mr. Recep.

That's great. From now on, you're responsible for him.

You'll follow his every step. If he causes problems, -I'll hold you responsible. -Yes, sir.

This is very important.

It's very important for the tranquility of our hotel.

-Yes, sir. -Great. Button up.

Yes, people...


"Florance projection." Is this out of order too?


What are you doing, you oaf?

You closed the toilet. Do I have to piss in my pants in a 5-star hotel?

It's not closed. We wrapped it and wrote, "for your protection".

Do you write everything you do?

How dare you enter my private room, woman?

How can you violate my privacy, lady?

You put up a "clean room" sign.

Give me that.

-What does it say here? -"Clean my room."

-Does that mean, clean my room? -Yes.

-What does it say here? -"Do not disturb."

Than I'm all "do not disturb" to you. Get lost.

You're all blown up. Tie a cord around your ankle, and you could be sold as a balloon to kids.

Buffalo!

Rhino-shaped, tempered, curly Vampirella.

Distorted piranha.

Clean yourself before cleaning up the room.


Sibel!

What do you think you're doing? Are you insane?

-I was just-- -This is a 5-star hotel

-in case you didn't notice. -The hotel--

Shut up! What are you babbling about?

Get over here.

-I'm sorry. -Boy, what are you doing?

Are you insane? Take a load of him.

Looks like he was born 5 minutes before the monkey.

What are you doing at the pool? Just go to the trough.

And wet yourself over there. Move it.

Brother Recep, what happened?

-There was this bee and-- -Don't walk around the pool like that.

I wasn't. There was this bee around my head.

Come along.

-How do I look? -Great.

-Take a good look. -Cool. This is it.

-Will you keep it on? -Yes.

-Let me take off the alarm. -Why?

'Cause the alarms beep.

Were the alarms on these when I bought them or not?

-Yes, sir-- -On them or not?

These belong to me then and nobody can say anything.

-But, sir-- -The alarms are mine.

All right, damn. Then keep them.

Look here. You ugly duckling, Calimero.

What do you mean, "damn"? I'll knock your head in.

It's all right, bro.

Everything's fine. Chill.

Let's get out. I'm getting irritated here. Out.

Put these on Mr. Muhsin's tab. He's VIP.

-Plus I'm VIP. -What's going on?

I'll leave a mark of my slippers on your leg like that.

-Come, bro. -What a crackpot.

It's over, all right.

Do you hear it?

You see?

That's what I'm trying to say. I love the sound of the alarm.

Keep laughing like this.

-Let me take that too. -What are you gonna do with that?

I thought if something's missing, she might get fired.

Let's go.

7-5.

Bravo! Hello, I want to play, too.

-You again? -Yes, me.

I'm a guest here too. It's my right to play beach volley.

Not in our team. Go play somewhere else.

I'll play in the opposing team then.

Dude, get out.

-Get lost! -I'm playing here.

Shut up. Get lost.

Watch out for your positions.

Let's take good positions and beat them good.

Hit it.


Mr. Recep's team has won. Here.

Sibel. Sibel.

Why the long face? Because you lost?

What long face?

We may be opponents on the field, but outside we're friends.

-We're no friends. -I wanted to give you something.

-What? -This.

What am I supposed to do with that?

-I won this for you. -Don't want it.

-Will you please take it? -I won't.

Please.

We won!


What's up here? Is this a cookhouse?

-It's the open buffet queue. -What's open buffet?

You get in line and get as much of any food you like.

Can I eat here as much as I like from any food?

Of course.

-Are you sure? -I am.

-I push the limits. -Do so.

"I don't know any limits." That's my motto.

-So it is. -Do we have a deal?

Deal.

Sister, don't grab food as if it were yours.

How many dolma are still there?

Are you starved or depraved? Why do you eat dolma?

Beat it!

What are you doing, Mr. Recep? This is outrageous.

What's this? Please, go to the other side.

What are you doing? Is this a way to eat?

-You said open buffet. -Yes, but--

You said I can eat as much as I want.

-Yes, but-- -So, why do you backtrack?

Not at all. What backtrack?

-Shut up! -Mr. Recep--

Shut up!

Dear guests, please get food from the other side.

Please. To the other side. Guys, take all these.

What are you doing? This is no way to eat.

What are you doing?

Get lost!

I don't understand why they let in such animals.

What's not to understand? They got the big money.

We had an Uncle Necmettin in the hood, looked like an animal.

He sat cross-legged in the Mercedes.

Hello, bon appetit. May I sit down? Thanks a lot.

I apologized for my stupidity earlier on with a cup, but I also got a döner plate prepared for you. Enjoy.

Thanks, I don't eat meat.

It's delicious. Made of veal rump and neck fat.

I'm about to pass out.

Why do you insist? She said she wouldn't eat.

Why do you keep stalking us all day? I've had enough of you.

I'll complain about you, caveman.

I do sports and aerobics every morning and eat healthy. I suggest you do the same.

I'll leave this anyway. Maybe the lady will eat it.

Her stomach has several layers and her second chin looks like a pelican beak. It's obvious that she's a heavy eater.

-Bon appetit. -Monster.

I want to add, "Nice to meet you".

Do I have any sagging parts?

Yahya, you have to use 2 bottles. You can't fool the tourists like this.

Yes. Smile while you're at it. Smile.

-Hello, mate. -Welcome, Mr. Recep.

I've decided to adopt a healthy lifestyle.

I want to attend aerobics. When does it start?

You and aerobics? It's at 8:00 a.m.

Since I have sleep apnea, I can't wake up that early.

-Could it be a little later? -No way.

But I can wake you up at 8:00 a.m.

Do you have any aerobic wear?

I bought them recently, they don't stink or anything.

You need a special outfit for aerobics.

-I can get it for you. -Swear?

-Sure. Don't worry. -Really?

-I'll get them. -Would you swear?

-Why should I? -Promise me.

-Promise. -Will you really send me an outfit?

-I will. -And if you don't?

-Goodness gracious. -And if you don't?

And if you don't?

-If you don't, you're a fag. -But why?

-If you don't, you're a fag. -All right.

-Will you really send them? -Yes.

Take a scout's oath and I'll believe you.

How do you do that? Something like that.

Yes. Are you satisfied now?

-God bless you. -Don't mention it.

...two, three, four.

Yes, ladies. Now lay down on your side.

Now, right legs up and down.

Up and down. Up and down.

Hello, teacher.

Yes, sir. Please sit.

Good morning, ladies. Let's burn our calories and get rid of our fatty tummies. Thanks.

With this move, our abs and intestinal muscles are working.

Up and down.

Unbelievable! How monstrous and stupid are you?

We're working on bowel movements together with our instructor.

I ate too much döner and now have gastro-induction.

And it found it's way out. What's to do?

I can't care less. You just ruined my exercise.

Take a look at those tights. Gross!

Hello, Mrs. Sibel. Today at 3:00 p.m. Don't forget.

-I won't. -He wears tights too.

Why don't you condemn him?

Please, these are no tights. This is scuba diving wear.

Bullshit. Scuba diving wear, huh? It slides in, too, doesn't it?

Scuba wear was invented by French sailor Marcell Ducell in 1781.

Shut up!

Marcell Ducell, my ass. Did I ask?

This is general knowledge. And you're wearing a lady's outfit.

You bought it wrong.

I didn't buy these.

That lousy manager gave them to me.

What?

What are you laughing at? What? Is it funny?

This is aerobic wear. Is it any funny?

I don't speak no Turkish. I speak German.

Get lost.

Psycho duo.

Psycho duo.

This cove is called "The Aquarium".

It's been told that Cleopatra washed her hair here, and Zeus sanctified Artemis in these waters.

The cove is 55 meters deep and has over 300 fish species.

Did you count them?

Excuse me?

300 species you said, and I'm asking if you counted them.

-Of course. -Name them!

I will. No big deal.

Bluefish, gray mullet, sea bream, whiting, muraena, eel.

Small bluefish.

-Turbot. -Bravo. Turbot.

Did I say bluefish?

What happened to 300?

Where are the other 291? Jerk!

When you asked suddenly, I couldn't remember.

I'll name them all after the dive.

Are we ready for the dive?

Let's go over the rules again.

This means "up". This means "down".

Okay.

This is "okay" to the boat.

When we do this during football matches, it means, "Referee, may my head into you".

What are we doing now?

Don't you ever leave the group.

If you get stuck in a rock, I'm sorry but you make this.

This makes me laugh all the time.

Like this?

You're joking again.

Anyway, let's get to know the equipment.

This is the tank. These are the fins.

Mask.

I guess this is the snorkel.

Why should there be a snorkel during a dive, idiot?

You don't know anything about diving.

Where's the regulator? Where's the BCD?

Where's the government?

What kind of a diving instructor are you?

Jeez, an instructor like you I should...

Here's another move to complete it.

But I'll do that underwater. Jerk.

Another interesting joke.

Anyway, if we're ready, let's put on the tanks and let's dive. Please.

Diving is very popular in our family.

My grandpa dived in the Bering Straits in 1942.

Skin-dived to 50 meters. Just with a snorkel.

He caught a bluefish with his hands.

He was that kind of a guy. I'm not talking in vain.

Put something on your head, you'll get cold.

If it gets cold, let it go. The piss will warm you up.

Sis, help me with that.

Sibel, ask your mom if it's okay.

No. I can't do this.

I'll stay on the boat.

I can't breathe.

We press on this button and dive. Come on.

Who came up with this diving? I'll die of worry.

One, two, three, four.

One is missing. Where's the hairy guy?

Where's the guy?

Where the hell is he? It's been 3 hours.

He doesn't have that much air.

He's not going to come. Why are we waiting?

Do so many people have to wait for one?

Yes, Captain. Let's go.

I have blood pressure problems and need to take my pills.

I don't care where that filth turns up.

He'll find a sewer to surface.

All right, you go back then. I'll stay.

All these years, I have never left someone back at sea and I won't.

Son, from now on, you're in charge. I'm staying.

Cut!

It's no good.

Moan, not scream.

And you'll do like this.

-We're losing the light. -What light?

Yo!

-What are you doing there? -We're shooting a movie.

-What kind of a movie? -Jack off movie.

-What's with you? -I was looking for Manavgat.

Turn your back towards me, stick your head into the sea.

There's Manavgat.

Be careful and don't let the voices overlap.

That's the golden rule of movies.

We have no overlapping voices, but overlapping actors.

The cops patrol this area a lot. Watch out!


Good evening!

You don't run around like this so late, my boy.

I almost had a stroke.

I apologize because of my outfit.

But I have struggled for 17 hours all alone in the raging blue waters with rays, sharks to make it here!

Why didn't you wait up for me?

We waited for hours. When you didn't surface, we had to return.

Plus, when my mom got ill, we had to.

Sorry to hear. What's your disease?

Thanks, I have blood pressure problems and have to take my pills. The sun made me worse.

And I get sea sick easily. I'm still swaying.

Do you have headaches among the symptoms?

Yes, a little. Why?

Very bad.

I had a grandma and she was a chubby, whale-like woman like you.

She said she had headaches and went to sleep.

And she kicked the bucket around 3:00 a.m.

Her body was swollen up like a pig and all purple.

We tried to take her out with my grandpa, but she didn't fit through the door. They opened the window, and we pulled our pickup truck beneath it.

We put her body through the window and on the truck.

That's how she got to the morgue.

Heaven forbid, you ill-omen.

He's like bad news.

That's life, lady. The pleasure is nice, but the pain is hard.

Sibel, I fought at 47 meters with a herd of sea horses.

Wrestled with two seals and whacked one of them and got you this sea shell.

Put it on your ear and you hear folk songs.

Listen.

Thank you. You didn't have to.

I don't listen much to folk songs. I'm more into R&B and pop.

Electronic discotronic style.

Something like that.

Have a good evening then.

Eat less. You eat too much, you may drop dead any moment.

Your gorgeous fiancee is waiting for you in Netherlands, but you accept sea shells from rednecks here.

And then it is, "Mom, don't get involved."

I'll beat the living daylights out of you.

Don't rub that on your face. He took it out of his crotch.

You'll get infected.


-What's up, bro? -Smell this. Is it all right?

-What is this? -Room spray. Want some?

-No, thanks. -Open your arms.

Lift your other leg.

Yes, that's more like it. That's how you should smell.

-Let's go. -Where?

-To the disco. -I have to pass.

It's very important for me and I need you by my side.

Thanks, but I'm having problems with the manager.

-I shouldn't come. -To hell with the manager. Move.

Excuse me for tonight.

What kind of a man are you?

What kind of a mind do you have?

What kind of a brain you got?

And most important, what's with your heart, you beast?

I'm telling you it's the most important day of my life.

You have to stand by my side.

Damn the day I met you!

Damn the day I let you into my privacy!

Beast! Dog!

Let me take that, so I never be in need of a lowlife like you.

Come on.

Shameless!


Hi Recep! Do you hang around such places?

Of course. I'm a disco child of the '90s.

Who's that retard over there?

-He's one of our friends. -Okay. I'll find it out myself.

Yes, I want that too.

I really need it.

I'll make sure you relax tomorrow, don't worry.

Hi. What's up? Who's this guy? Do I know him?

-Hi, I'm Murat. -I'll beat you flat.

What's up, you tart? I'll make you fart.

That's no way to talk--

I got plenty of these lines Recep always beep your kinds.

Are you a child to tease like that?

I can tease you in very different ways, dude.

Get on the dance floor if you have balls.

Listen, pal, I'll make you sorry and bury you in the floor.

Cut that "bury you" crap or I'll smash your head in.

Step on the floor if you dare.

-Come on. -Move!

-Come on! -Move!


Deejay, Recep in the house!

Give me the music!


-Bravo, you were great. -Thanks, mate.

Be careful, it'll knock you out.

I'll be fine.


He's completely flipped out.

Boy! Wake up!

You look like a stranded whale.

-Is it morning already? -Yes. What are you doing here?

Don't you have a place to sleep in?

-Oh, Mom. Was that you? -What makes me your mom?

You're drunk and stink like a dog. Alcoholic.

Listen, I respect you because you're a mother.

-Where's Sibel? -What's it to you?

Stay away from my daughter.

Or I'll place a complaint and get you kicked out of the hotel.

-Mom, I'm going in. -All right, my child.

If it's good, I'll have it too.

Okay, Mother.

What kind of a talk is that? You're a mother.

"If it's good, I'll have it too".

What a dirty talk is that?

I'm very good. You'll be very happy.

How can I help you, sir?

I was just going to look for my friend, sis.

Yeah, right. Is this a disco where you can look for a friend?

This is a massage parlor.

You can't get in without appointment.

Is this like the massage parlor we visit with Salih where the massage ends with a happy end?

There hasn't been a single women who wasn't pleased by me.

The secret is in my fingers. Magic fingers.

Which room shall we put Ms. Sibel?

-Number 3. -Okay, I'll get prepared.

I have to take a shit. It's starting to get out.

Where can I shit? Where's the men's room?

Over there. Go.


There's your happy end, jackass.

Plus with these hands. Magic fingers.

Hello.

Another friend was going to come in, but I did. I'm sorry.

I'll do your massage.

Number 3 is full.

I'm so sorry. Can I get you room 5?

It's all right.

-I'm sorry. -Never mind.

First massage, ankle, heel, calf.

Let's get your foot up.

Nice.

Do you feel the relaxation?

Now, there's someone in this hotel who's in love with you.

Never mind his name.

His name starts with me.

Every man, looks out for a safe harbor at some point.

But at the same time desires a stormy sea.

That's why...

you're just the kind of woman a man could wish for.

I would like to recite you a poem I wrote.

"I'd like to see the light in your eyes.

"And the joy you bear inside.

"You're like a festival I want to attend you.

"You're like the Rock 'n Coke where I want to set up a tent.

"Recep says, 'I want you.'"

How's that?

Did you walk a lot yesterday? Why are your feet swollen?

Did you get stung by a bee?

Your feet have turned into hooves. Why did this happen?

Huh? Your legs are like Roberto Carlos'.

Your feet have turned into cow hooves.

There's something strange about you.

You should have a birth mark here. Let me have a look at it.

Just a second.

It's here, my love. Nobody said such beautiful words to me.

What's going on? Who the hell are you?

Don't make any stupid moves. I'll smash your head in.

Darling, where are you going? Wait. Don't run away.

Sibel, where on Earth were you?

Sir, stop, stop! Let me take a picture.

I don't want any photos. Please.

Just one photo as a token.

I don't want any photos. Leave me alone.

It will be perfect, trust me.

I told you I don't want any pictures taken.

Don't be shy. I'm the paparazzi of this hotel.

Just one nice picture. Yes.

-Do you get the pool too? -Yes. Beautiful.

Let me pose for you.

Very nice.

-Count from three. -Fine. Three, two, one!

-But sir, this is no good. -Get lost.

Why do all nutcases swarm around me?

Unbelievable.

You, too?

-How many megapixel is that? -Five.

Five?

-Let's get some pictures taken. -Fine.

Why did you look that way?

Your boob touched my arm and I panicked.

I don't get along well with women.

Yeah, right. A woman was chasing after you at the spa.

What an pain in the neck. "Kiss me, Recep, eat me."

"Kiss me, Recep, eat me, Recep."

Plus, she's hideous. Ugly people have a right to be loved, fine.

What am I supposed to tell her?

"Rip out your heart, throw it into the toilet and flush it?"

Let's get back to us. I want that picture, will you send it to me?

-Sure. You got an e-mail address? -Yes. Memorize.

Recep_*!?

Nonsense, there's no mail address like that.

Why not? I got them when they first got out.

I pressed on too many keys, that's why.

But I always use this one.

-My messenger ID is different. -Skip that.

-Will you come to the show tonight? -I haven't decided yet.

I'll take a look into my organizer, and come if I'm available.

-Will you go? -I think so.

Let's meet there. Don't stay too much in the sun.

Heaven forbid, you might get a sunstroke.

Then headache, fever and then diarrhea. You know, the squirts.

Be careful.

There's so few photos, shoot more. Family photos, kid photos.

How are you, boy?

What is that uncle doing?

Really, what is he doing? Look away!

What's this photo doing here? Why did you shoot his photo?

Go and play in the playground.

Yo. Yo.

Look here.

What are you doing all cringed up here?

Come here, kitty.

Sweet kitty. Sweet kitty.

Brother Recep. Where to?

I'll eat you. I'll eat you.

-To the animation show. -Let me take you there.

Do I look like an idiot to you?

You think I won't find a damn amphitheater?

-Take this here. -What's that?

Clean it up from lice and fleas, and feed it.

-All right? -Yes, sir.

Good for you.

One more time.

Very nice.

Dear guests, we have two contestants on stage.

Before choosing the final one, I'd like to remind you of the rules.

The men have the balloons on their laps, and the girls sit on them. The fastest pair to pop the balloons will win the game. Now, I'll chose the final contestant.

A volunteer male. You, sir.

No? Are there no men here?

Welcome, sir.

-Please, sit. -No.

I've got nothing to do with this. I came through the wrong door.

This is a game. Please, sit.

-I've got nothing to do with this. -Very nice.

Don't applaud! Don't!

-I've got nothing to do with this. -Your name?

-My name is Recep. -Let's hear it for Mr. Recep.

I want a volunteer lady for Mr. Recep.

Thanks. God bless you.

-Me! Me! -Please.

No! Not that woman!

I don't accept this.

I won't accept this. Please, just a second.

You asked for a lady, and look at this.

-Please sit. -No. I'm not okay with this.

-We're going to win, darling. -Win what?

-I'll devour you. -That's what scares me!

-Then I'll eat you slowly, sit down. -No, thanks.

No, I definitely don't accept this.

Don't applaud!

I count down from three and we start.

Don't count!

Three, two, one!

My testicles!

Stop! It hurts!

Get off me!

I'll punch your head in!

Why do you laugh? Don't!

Brother Recep! What are you doing?

What kind of a woman are you?

I've had enough of you! Rhino!

-Come along. -Stop talking! Don't laugh!


Mr. Recep, what are you doing? Is this a trough?

Get out of there.

Sorry, I got thirsty. I apologize.

Enough is enough. They say you cursed at the audience

-last night, during the show. -I didn't curse at all.

Everybody was laughing.

The lady was disgraced. What are you doing?

I lost the count of problems you've caused.

Giving the finger in the photo.

This hotel is not used to such things.

This is a five-star complex.

Hear me well. I'm aggressive, I have complexes.

I don't give a damn if you're the manager and choke you.

I'll tear down this hotel.

Are you threatening me? Great. Please, leave the hotel.

-Who are you? -I'm the manager of this hotel.

Who are you?

I'm a member of Karaambar Truckers Community.

Karaambar Truckers Community, huh? What's that?

Who are you? Bandits? Do we live in mountains?

How could you tear down the hotel? Who are you?

Karaambar Truckers whatsoever. Who are they?

You really spoke very harsh.

You took a grenade, pulled out the pin, and you're holding it on your hand.

You couldn't scare me with your whole family!

Get out! Out!

Just say it and we'll bring down the hotel.

Start digging, mates!

Stop!

Whoa! Hold your horses!

But, Mr. Recep, please.

What do you suggest I tell them?

Stop or move on?

Please don't. I didn't mean it like that.

I just wanted to meet your friends.

That's why I said, "Who are those friends?"

That's what I meant. Welcome.

And they came to meet you. Introduce yourself.

-I'm Halil. Pleased to meet you. -Likewise, sir.

I'm Erim. The hotel manager.

Look, what a kindhearted person he is. Welcome.

Don't mention it.

I'd like to talk to you in private when you're available, babe.

Pleased to meet you, sir. Really.

I'm sure you don't have any questions about me any more.

What questions? You are our guest, sir.

You don't have to be so formal. Drop the "sir".

Understand?

He's very funny, huh?

Mr. Recep is a real joker.

Answer the phone, girl.

Don't look at me, answer the phone.

Yes?

Yes, Ahmet?

Thanks, how are you?

Ahmet, I want to tell you something.

I can't marry you, Ahmet.

I'm really sorry.

I really tried. I tried to love you.

Give me that.

Hello? Ahmet, my dear, how are you, son?

Excuse her, she's young.

She's excited because she's getting married.

Don't worry. I'll talk to her and handle everything.

Have a nice day, my child.

What do you think you're doing, Sibel?

I can't marry someone I don't love.

Are you going to disgrace me?

You're engaged.

You should've thought twice before forcing me to be with him.

Shame on you! I did it all for you.

I wanted you to have a comfortable life.

Enough of this, mother! I'm sick and tired of thinking about these things.

It was really stupid to accept this anyway.

I want to marry someone I can love.

Why don't you understand?

Love do not feed the friars. Come to your senses.

You'll marry him as soon as we're back.

Talk as much as you want. I'm not marrying him.

You will, and that's that!

Oh God.

Enough! I've had it of such stupid subjects.

I'm going for a swim.

I was walking by and saw you were upset. What happened?

Nothing. Never mind.

You look upset. I saw it. What happened?

-Some people get on my nerves. -Who's that?

Anyone who gets on her nerves will get a beating!

I'll knock their face in!

What was that?

Sorry, there was too much gas in my stomach.

Look at me.

I see, there's something filthy underneath that beauty.

Can you do this?

Gross. Look.

Is that your mom?

Yes.

Hey!

Mom!

Help! There's a hairy monster on me!

-Mom. -I'm dying.

I can't breathe.

My guts are out.

Is everything okay?

Are you all right, auntie?

My ribs.

Idiot!

How dare you ride here? Is this a path?

Everyone's tanning here and you ride among them.

Ox!

Get lost!

-Brother Recep, you're awesome. -Thanks.

Stop! Stop, man! I'm going backwards!

Man! Stop, man!

I have panic attack. I have panic attack!

Help! Help!

Oh, my God!

Fuck you, dude!

Mom?

I almost passed away today.

Don't talk nonsense.

I was going to die before I saw you in a wedding dress.

Sibel, you're going to marry Ahmet, won't you?

All right, mum.

-I'm not promising anything. -What's that supposed to mean?

Sibel, don't leave me here.

Brother Recep, your marbles are beautiful.

Thanks a lot. Yo, nutty boy, pour in a little vodka in here.

-Are you sure it's all right? -It's okay.

More, more, more. There, it's starting to kick in.

I ask the guy "why did you get me fainted

"and have the water affect me like concrete?"

He says "I thought you had fun".

I have panic attack. I can't put up with everything.

I said, "get it together." He said, "you're right, bro."

I said "If I catch you on land, I'll beat you as hell."

I'll turn you into one of those rings.

He got scared. Am I right, tourist?

Sorry, I don't understand.

You bounced on the water like a ball.

Look.

Is that a nice thing to say?

Is that nice?

What do you mean by "ball"?

Why do you drive me nuts?

Isn't that so?

I'll throw you a punch right in your face and make you smile rest of your life.

What's this, is he stupid or an idiot?

You say something and he makes funny moves like a German porn actor.

Bro, this IV suits you very nicely.

Who's that? Isn't that Sibel?

Yes, that's her.

-Hold this. -What am I supposed to do with it?

-But no-- -You go on.

Hello there.

Hi.

What's wrong?

Nothing, Recep. Forget it.

Did something happen to your mom?

Did she reject the therapy? Is she in intensive care? What?

Mom is fine, but I'm not.

-What's wrong? -Never mind, really.

-Shall I tell you a story? -Yes.

Once, there was a clown who makes all the crying people laugh.

Someday, a crybaby goes to the doctor.

The doctor said, "Go find that clown, he makes you laugh."

And the guy said, "That's me".

What's that got to do with anything?

I didn't get that either. I don't like those crappy clowns.

There was this movie, "It".

All kind of strange things.

Recep, I'll tell you something.

I'm engaged.

-Engaged? -Yes, engaged.

So you're going to get married?

-You know how families-- -It's all right, Sibel.

-It's my mom's-- -Hush, Sibel.

Sibel, don't talk, please.

But--

-But, Recep... -Shut up!

I lolled against I lolled against The stairs again today

Today again Against the stairs

Once upon a time Once upon a time I was well off But now There's nothing left or right

What happened, Brother Recep?

-They're tormenting me. -Who?

People.

They talk crap, get on my nerves.

They annoy me.

Nothing's working out for me.

Did I put a spell on someone and it affects me now?

Everything's will be all right.

It won't. My whole life is such a knot that it won't be all right.

If we sit more like this, our testicles will catch cold.

Then we won't have any kids.

I'm leaving now, pal. Got to hit the road.

Take care of yourself.

Don't let that ass of a manager oppress you. Okay?

-Okay, bro. -Recep Ivedik got your back.

All right, bro. I wish you wouldn't leave this soon.

It will be very dull without you.

I'm aware of that, but I have to go.

This place bears no meaning to me any longer.

-I have a last request from you. -Sure.

Give these to Miss Sibel. Make sure she gets them.

Don't worry. These are yours.

-Is everything here? -It's all in there.

Food, shirt, slippers. Okay.

Let me give you a hug.

Brother Recep!

Don't do it, bro!

-Is that the manager's car? -Yes, bro.

-Open the hood. -Don't, in the last minute.

Open it. Don't get me started with last minutes.


How could he leave with my battery?

How could he leave with my battery?

-But sir, I wasn't-- -Shut up! Don't answer back!

How can you be this careless, indifferent and shameless?

Didn't I tell you to follow him?

You have no more off days. All off days are gone.

To hell with your battery! You should've been more careful.

-You're fired! -Bugger off! I quit!

-Did Miss Sibel leave? -Just a few moments ago.

They're going to the airport.


Miss Sibel!

What happened?

Brother Recep asked me to give you these.


Sibel.

Recep.

Salih, are you Facebook member?

No, but if it's good, I can join.

Never mind. It's filled with morons anyway.

I'm thinking of leaving.

Up, up. Little bit to the left.

-Is it good so? -Great. Perfect.

To the auto industry park, please.

Of course, babe.

We'll go to auto industry. We'll go to forest.

Well done, my boy. Lower.

Lower, lower I said.

What are you doing here?

Sir, I swear we're shooting an art movie.

-Art movie, my ass! -This is a cult movie.

I have two weaknesses.

One is alcohol. The other, women. Two.

I didn't get you. There's no woman in your life.

-How could that be a weakness? -Because there's none.

Since there is none, I'm weak towards women.