Restless Natives (1985) Script

[BIRDS CHIRPING]

CAPTIONING MADE POSSIBLE BY LIONS GATE ENTERTAINMENT


[SHEEP BLEATING IN DISTANCE]


[MUMBLES] THIS IS A HOLD-UP.

I BEG YOUR PARDON?

THIS IS A HOLD-UP.

WHAT'S HE TALKING ABOUT?

OH. RAG WEEK.

RAG WEEK?

STUDENTS, YOU MORON.

NO! NO! YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND.

DON'T WASTE YOUR BREATH ASKING FOR ANY MORE.

YOU'RE THE THIRD THIS WEEK ALREADY.

NO, REALLY.

WHAT I WANT TO KNOW, YOUNG MAN, IS ARE WE ON THE RIGHT ROAD TO INVERLOCH?

WE'LL DRIVE ON.

THEY LIVE IN A WORLD OF THEIR OWN, THESE STUDENTS.

DON'T DO THAT! THOSE CHILDREN WILL DRIVE ME NUTS.

SHH! BE QUIET!

STOP ANNOYING YOUR DADDY.

NOW, IF WE TAKE THE THIRD RIGHT...

DON'T TELL ME ANYMORE...

[BLEATING]

Man: NO. I'M NOT SAYING IT'S A COMPLETE FAILURE.

THAT'S NOT RIGHT. I'M NOT BOTHERED ABOUT THAT.

AND I WOULDN'T BE IF IT WAS.

I'M JUST SAYING MAYBE IT'S NOT RIGHT, THAT SORT OF THING. I MEAN, DON'T YOU THINK IN SOME WAYS IT'S A BAD THING TO TAKE OTHER PEOPLE'S MONEY? IT IS! PEOPLE WORK HARD FOR THEIR MONEY, SOME OF THEM.

[BELL DINGS] I'M IN A HURRY, OK?

STINK BOMB.

WHAT'S IT COST, THAT?

NASTY SUGAR. BANGERS...

ARE YOU SURE ABOUT THE NASTY SUGAR?

AYE, 3 BAGS. UH, PICKED SCAB.

LUMINOUS SNOT, AND A PLASTIC TURD.

3.5...

[COINS CLATTER ON COUNTER]

DO YOU KNOW HOW MUCH IT COSTS JUST TO SEND ONE SOLITARY POLICEMAN OUT ON A CASE?

THERE'S EXPENSES.

THERE'S WEAR AND TEAR. THERE'S PETROL.

THERE'S OVERTIME.

THAT IS TAX PAYERS' MONEY, RONNIE.

IT'S A BAD THING.

LOOK...

WHAT DO YOU WANT OUT OF LIFE?

YOU WANT MONEY AND YOU WANT EXCITEMENT.

RIGHT? WHY? NO.

BECAUSE WITHOUT MONEY, WITHOUT MONEY, YOU CAN'T DO ANYTHING!

LOOK, YOU WERE TALKING ABOUT BAD THINGS, RIGHT?

DON'T YOU THINK IT'S A BAD THING THAT YOU'RE WORKING IN A CORPORATION AND I'M STUCK HERE SELLING ALL THIS JUNK?

DON'T YOU THINK IT'S A BAD THING TO SETTLE FOR A LITTLE WHEN MAYBE YOU COULD GET A LOT OUT OF LIFE?

YOU SEE, THE POINT IS: THE POINT IS THAT WE ARE SMARTER THAN THEY ARE.

I KEEP GETTING THESE FUNNY WEE WARTS ON MY FINGERS.

LOOK, YOU HAVE GOT TO TAKE YOUR CHANCE NOW!

EH?

THERE DOESN'T SEEM TO BE ANY POINT TO IT ALL.

OH, MARY, I CAN'T STAND THE STRAIN.

FIRST OFF, YOU GET A JOB, SON.

AND NOW YOU TURN INTO A DEEP THINKER, A PHILOSOPHER.

WELL, WHAT YOU GONNA BE NEXT, HUH?

THE NATION WAITS.

HE KNOWS HE'S LUCKY TO HAVE A JOB.

DON'T YOU, DEAR?

HE'S JUST TIRED AND HE WANTS TO EAT HIS FOOD.

CAROL PEYTON'S BIG BROTHER'S GONE TO NEW MEXICO, AND HE'S GOING TO EARN

£500 A WEEK IN AMERICA.

AYE, AYE.

THERE'S OPPORTUNITIES FOR THEM THAT WANT THEM.

WHAT'S THE MATTER, SON?

IT'S HIS BIORHYTHMS. HE CANNAE HELP IT.

[TELEPHONE RINGS]

I'LL GET IT.

MOM? HMM?

DOES DOING BAD THINGS GIVE YOU WARTS?

I THINK THAT'S SOMETHING YOU'D BETTER DISCUSS WITH YOUR FATHER LATER ON.

MOM, CAN I GO TO THE DISCO ON SATURDAY?

MARY.

MOM!

HANG ON A MINUTE. I'LL COME OUT THERE AND TALK TO YOU ABOUT IT.

MAYBE IF I STAYED AT...

[MOTHER CONTINUES INDISTINCT]

WHEN I WAS YOUR AGE, YOU HAD TO GO AND SEE THE DOCTOR FOR YOUR WARTS, AND HE'D BURN THEM OFF OF YOU.

YOU'D LIE ON THE COUCH...

A GREAT FAT NURSE WOULD COME ALONG.

AND SHE'D PAINT RED OINTMENT ONTO EACH WART--WHOA!

OH! THE STENCH WAS SOMETHING TERRIBLE.

AND THEN THE DOCTOR WOULD COME ALONG WITH HIS LONG, POINTED NEEDLE, AND THE NURSE WOULD HOLD YOU DOWN

'CAUSE YOU WERE SCREAMING BY THEN, SEE?

AND HE'D COME AT YOU.

CLOSER...

AND CLOSER...

TILL SUDDENLY--ZIP!

RIGHT INTO THE ROOT.

[SHOUTS]

HE'S A BUGGER, TOO!


HE'S WEARING A HAT.

COME HERE, YOU FATTY!

Father: NOT EXACTLY FIRED.

SORT OF.

SORT OF FIRED.

[TOILET FLUSHES]

WELL, MORE SORT OF RESIGNED, ACTUALLY.

Isla: MAYBE SORT OF RETIRED, YOU KNOW.

I'M WARNING YOU!

[CLOCK TICKING]

Ronnie: HEY! I'VE GOT IT JUST HERE.

DO YOU KNOW WHAT THIS IS?

THIS IS THE THING. IT'S MAGIC!

THEY DON'T STAND A CHANCE NOW, MAN.

ARRRGH! HA!

WHAT DO YOU THINK?

[BELL RINGS]

HAVE YOU BEEN SELLING ANY MORE OF THAT AWFUL SUGAR TO MY WEE ANGUS?

ME? OH!

I'VE TOLD YOU BEFORE, RONNIE WEATHERSPOON!

HOW MANY TIMES DO I HAVE TO TELL YOU?

[TOY SQUEAKING]

I DON'T WANT ANYMORE TROUBLE FROM YOU WITH ANY OF MY BAIRNS!

[SQUEAK, SQUEAK] OHH!

YOU'LL HAVE MR. PATERSON DOWN HERE AND I WON'T ANSWER FOR THE CONSEQUENCES, YOU STUPID WEE BUGGER!

JUST A WASTE OF GOOD SPACE, THAT'S WHAT YOU ARE.

I'M SORRY. I WON'T DO IT AGAIN.

SEE THAT MR. HARDWICK GETS TO HEAR ABOUT THIS.

[DOOR SLAMS, BELL RINGS]

I THINK I KNOW WHERE WE CAN GET A GUN.

[IMITATING GUNFIRE]


IT'S NICE OUT HERE, YEAH?

ARE YOU SURE YOU WANT TO COME TOMORROW?

MY MOM SAYS THAT THE THING THAT I WANT IS GOLD.

IF I BOUGHT A FAKE GOLD RING OR SOMETHING, YOU KNOW, IT WOULD GO AWAY.

WHAT DO YOU THINK?

WELL, ACTUALLY, I THINK THAT'S RIGHT.

I THINK I HAVE HEARD THAT.

THAT'S GOOD.

GOOD.


Woman: HIDDEN AMONG THE GRAMPIAN MOUNTAINS, STEEPED IN THE HISTORY AND LEGEND OF A COLORFUL PAST.

PASSENGERS WILL BE ABLE TO FRESHEN UP IN ABOUT

20 MINUTES AT THE BEN McALPINE VISITORS CENTER.

AND NOW TO YOUR LEFT YOU CAN SEE SOME OF THE MOST SPECTACULAR SCENERY IN SCOTLAND.

THE MOUNTAIN RISING IN THE CENTER IS BEN LOCKHART.

AND IN A CAVE ON THE OTHER SIDE, BONNIE PRINCE CHARLIE IS SAID TO HAVE TAKEN REFUGE FROM THE REDCOATS.

AND TO THE RIGHT...

A MOTORCYCLE?

[AIR BRAKES HISS]

THIS IS... A GUN!

THIS... THIS IS A GUN!

THIS IS A HOLD-UP.

PLEASE GET ALL YOUR CASH AND JEWELRY READY FOR COLLECTION.

THANK YOU.

THANKS. I'M SO SORRY. THANKS.

THEY WERE MY MOTHER'S.

I'M SO SORRY.

AND WATCHES.

THANKS. THANK YOU.

[WHIMPERS]

THANK YOU. THANKS VERY MUCH.

[SPEAKS FRENCH]

THANK YOU. THANKS.

THANKS. HEY, KID.

STAY CALM, OK? [CHUCKLING]

TAKE IT EASY.

[SNIFFS] NOW, JUST TAKE IT EASY.

NOBODY'S GONNA GET HURT.

GIVE IT UP, SMARTASS.

[HORN BEEPS]

[SNEEZE]

Will: GOD BLESS YOU.

ACHOO!

ACHOO!

Ronnie: THAT WASN'T SO BAD.

HURRAY!

WHOO!

[SHOUTS]

STEAKS.

STEAKS THAT THICK.

WITH MASHED POTATOES.

NO. TRIMMED POTATOES.

PEAS AND ONION RINGS.

AND CHOCOLATE MILKSHAKES.

CHOCOLATE MILKSHAKES.

AND BRANDY EVERY DAY.

WHAT DID YOU PUT IN THAT PUFFER?

IT WAS BRILLIANT.

ITCHING POWDER, SNEEZING POWDER, CURRY POWDER, ATHLETE'S FOOT POWDER, AND SOME STUFF I GOT OUT OF AN OLD FIREWORK.

BUT HOW DID YOU KNOW IT WOULD WORK?

WELL, I TESTED IT, DIDN'T I?

I TESTED IT ON ALLY MATHEWSON'S WEE BROTHER.

HEY, THAT WEE BRANDY YOU GOT IS REALLY...5 STAR.

COST TWO DAYS' WAGES, THOUGH.

BUT NEVER MIND. I CAN GO DOWN TO THE PACKING SHOP TOMORROW AND GET A KIT.

NO.

IT'S TERRIBLE NOW.

YOU KNOW, WE CAN'T DO ANYTHING.

WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?

IF WE START SPENDING ALL THIS MONEY, THEY'RE GOING TO KNOW, AREN'T THEY?

EVERYBODY KNOWS WE DON'T HAVE ANY MONEY.

[SIGHS]

MAYBE WE COULD START A FUND.

YOU KNOW, LIKE A PENSION FUND FOR FOOTBALLERS WHEN THEY GET PAST IT.

THEN WE COULD DO SOMETHING REALLY SPECIAL.

AYE.

SOMETHING REALLY SPECIAL.

OH, WELL, ACTUALLY, ACTUALLY, I'VE BEEN THINKING OF SOMETHING ALONG THOSE LINES.

ANYWAY, PAL, IT'S NOT THE MONEY THAT MATTERS ANYMORE, IT'S ME AND YOU.

WE'RE BIGGER THAN...

WE'RE BIGGER, BIGGER THAN SOMETHING REALLY, REALLY BIG. WE'VE MADE IT.

THIS IS THE BIG TIME.

THE BIG TIME.

I AM NOT HOLDING UP ANY TRAINS.

GOOD MORNING, SON.

GOOD MORNING.

I TAKE IT WE ARE TO BELIEVE THAT YOUR CEASELESS QUEST FOR AN HONEST DAY'S WORK HAS ONCE MORE BEEN IN VAIN.

UM... UH-HUH.

WELL, I'LL TELL YOU WHAT, SON.

YOU DID BRING IT ON YOUR BLOODY SELF.

HOW IS RONNIE GETTING ON IN THE SHOP?

ENJOYING IT, IS HE?

AYE, YES.

GOOD WEE RONNIE.

HAH!

POLICE ARE TODAY SEARCHING FOR TWO YOUNG SCOTS WHO HELD UP AND ROBBED A COACHLOAD OF TOURISTS ON A REMOTE HIGHLAND ROAD.

[CHUCKLES] AIN'T IT A BEAUTY.

TAKE IT, MAN.

DISGUISED AS A CLOWN AND A WOLFMAN, THEY TOOK AN ESTIMATED £600 IN CASH AND AN UNKNOWN QUANTITY OF VALUABLES FROM THE 40 FRIGHTENED PASSENGERS BEFORE RIDING OFF AT HIGH SPEED INTO THE HILLS AGAIN.

THAT'S TERRIBLE.

THAT'S BLOODY CLEVER.

BUT DON'T YOU THINK THAT'S A REALLY BAD THING TO DO, TO TAKE OTHER PEOPLE'S MONEY, PEOPLE THAT HAVEN'T DONE YOU ANY HARM?

WELL, OF COURSE IT IS, WILL.

DON'T LISTEN TO YOUR FATHER.

HE'S NOTHING BUT AN OLD CROOK ANYWAY.

THE GAS SPORT ISN'T EXACTLY THE LITTLE SISTERS OF THE POOR.

NO THANKS TO YOU.

LOOK AT THIS.

TWO YOUNG LADS HAD THE WIT AND STYLE TO TAKE 600 QUID OFF A BUNCH OF STUPID TOURISTS.

AND GOD KNOWS, THEY'D PROBABLY SPEND THAT MUCH IN AN AFTERNOON ON PLASTIC BLOODY BAGPIPES.

WELL, THESE LADS CAN HAVE MY VOTE ANY DAY OF THE WEEK.

600 QUID.

MRS. BARBARA GINSBURG OF WINVILLE, VERMONT, SAID, "THIS HAS NEVER HAPPENED TO ME BEFORE."

THIS HAS NEVER HAPPENED TO ME BEFORE?

AYE.


UH, HELLO THERE.

YOU MAY HAVE HEARD OF US.

WE WERE IN THE PAPERS LAST WEEK.

THIS IS OUR GUN.

WE HAVE A GUN!

MY FRIEND THE WOLFMAN, HE WILL NOW COME AMONGST YOU AND COLLECT YOUR CASH, JEWELRY, AND WATCHES.

OH, THANKS. THANK YOU.

THANKS.

OH, THANK YOU. THAT'S LOVELY.

THANKS, THANKS.

THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

GREAT.

OH, HOLD ONTO THAT. NO, THANKS.

OH, THAT'S LOVELY. OH, ISN'T THAT LOVELY?

LOOK, RONNIE.

I'VE GOT TO HAVE

£10 TO GET BACK TO THE AIRPORT.

HAS ANYBODY GOT A £5.00 NOTE?

Man: HERE YOU ARE, SON. HERE'S 5 ONES.

THANKS VERY MUCH, SIR.

HERE'S 5 SINGLES.

HERE'S A 5, AND I'LL TAKE THE 50. THANK YOU.

THANK YOU, YOUNG MAN.

THANKS. THANK YOU.

WHAT'S GOING ON HERE?

I WON'T BE A MOMENT, SIR.

YOU'VE JUST GOT TO HOLD UP THE BUS.

Ronnie: COME ON! LET'S GO!

ARE YOU QUITE FINISHED, PAL?

SORRY.

[GIRL GIGGLES]

[SHEEP BLEATING]

IT'S NOT ON.

REALLY! IT'S JUST NOT ON.

COME ON, LET'S JUST GET THESE CHANGED AND GO.

HAVE YOU GONE SOFT IN THE HEAD?

NO!


[CHATTERING]

[SPEAKING FOREIGN LANGUAGE]

CAN YOU SPEAK IT IN ENGLISH?

NO. I THINK IT'S MORE LIKE THE LON CHANEY ONE.

MR. BENDER'S HERE TO SEE YOU, SIR.

[TYPEWRITER CLACKING]

THAT'LL BE ALL.

[LAUGHING]

OHH!

ALL RIGHT, CUT THE CACKLE. QUIET, PLEASE.

NOW, COME ON. CUT THE RACKET.

I'VE GOT A TELEX FROM THE SECRETARY OF STATE.

THE SCOTTISH SECRETARY.

HE SAYS THAT QUESTION ABOUT ARMED GUARDS IS OUT OF THE QUESTION.

QUIET, PLEASE!

FROM DETECTIVE SHAFER, SCOTLAND:

"ADVISE UTMOST EXPEDIENCY

"IN APPREHENDING HIGHWAYMEN.

POTENTIAL POLITICAL HOT POTATO."

HOW ABOUT THAT, EH?

"SWIFT ACTION AND LOW PROFILE IMPERATIVE."

LOW PROFILE. LOW PROFILE.

[SIGHS] WELL...

WHAT IT COMES DOWN TO IS THAT THESE TWO LADS HAVE SHANGHAIED TWO COACH LOADS OF WHAT IS NOW REGARDED AS SCOTLAND'S PRIZE IMPORT.

AND WE ARE INSTRUCTED TO USE THE UTMOST EXPEDIENCY IN NIPPING IT IN THE BUD...

[SNAPPING]

BEFORE THEY DO ANY FURTHER DAMAGE TO OUR RELATIONS WITH OUR FRIENDS FROM ABROAD.

LIAISON WITH THE BUS COMPANIES WILL BE TWO OF THE NUMBERS THAT YOU HAVE GOT, RIGHT?

THERE SHOULD NOT BE ANY LANGUAGE BARRIER THERE.

NOW THIS INVESTIGATION IS TO BE CONDUCTED ON AN INTERNATIONAL FRAMEWORK.

AND WE ARE TO HAVE THE ASSISTANCE OF A GENTLEMAN FROM CENTRAL AMERICA--

FROM THE AMERICAN CENTRAL INTELLIGENCE BUREAU.

MR. FRITZ BENDER.

[TELEPHONE RINGS] HI.

EXCUSE ME.

CHRIST, IT'S THE MAN FROM UNCLE.

[CHUCKLES] AHEM.

THERE'S NOT REALLY MUCH TO TELL THIS WEEK.

MR. HARDWICK SAYS I CAN STAY ON TILL THE END OF THE MONTH, BUT AFTER THAT I DON'T KNOW.

BRUCE HAS BEEN GETTING REALLY FAT.

GOD, YOU SHOULD SEE HIM.

HE JUST WOBBLES AROUND EATING AND SHITTING THE WHOLE TIME.

HARDLY EVER GOES IN HIS GRILL.

HEY, MAYBE I'M GIVING HIM TOO MUCH NUTS.

THE WEATHER'S BEEN GOOD APART FROM TODAY.

DID YOU KNOW THAT?

AHEM.

I'VE BEEN HOLDING UP BUSES.

YOU KNOW, LIKE, LIKE ROBBING THEM, TAKING ALL THE TOURISTS' MONEY.

BEEN IN THE PAPERS AND EVERYTHING.

I'M REALLY QUITE ENJOYING IT.

ANYWAY, I'LL TRY NOT TO GET IN ANY TROUBLE.

I'VE GOT TO GET BACK NOW.

Will: SHE HAD A BONNIE NOSE.

£80.

NOT TOO LONG.

AND NOT TOO WIDE.

AND NOT TAMPED DOWN AT THE BOTTOM.

£80...

HE HAD IN HIS WALLET.

A PERFECT NOSE.

HE JUST PULLED IT OUT AND DROPPED IT IN THE BAG.

£80, YOU KNOW?

I KNOW. IT WAS ME HE GAVE IT TO.

HOW MUCH WAS IT? £80.

£80.

[BELL RINGS]


[CLEARS THROAT]

UH, DO YOU HAVE ANY FALSE TITS?

OH. AYE.

HOW MUCH ARE THEY?

MEDIUM 4.75. LARGE 6.50.

MEDIUM.

COULD YOU, UH, WRAP THEM UP?

THAT'S 4.75, PLEASE.

HERE'S YOUR CHANGE. THERE'S YOUR RECEIPT.

THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

THANK YOU.

[BELL RINGS]

OHH...

I'VE GOT TO FIND HER AGAIN.

WHO? YOU KNOW. HER!

NO! [BELL RINGS]

Angus: LISTEN, I'M IN A HURRY.

NO! NO! GET OUT!

GET! AND DON'T COME BACK!

LOOK, HOW DO YOU THINK YOU COULD FIND HER?

THERE MUST BE MILLIONS OF GIRLS OUT THERE IN BUSES JUST LIKE THAT-- MILLIONS!

ANYWAY, YOU CAN'T.

YOU KNOW YOU CAN'T.

THE WHOLE OPERATION IS COMPLETELY CONFIDENTIAL.

IT'S GOT TO BE, OR WE'RE BUGGERED.

I DON'T HAVE TO TELL HER ABOUT IT.

WELL, WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO SAY TO HER, THEN?

COME ON, BRUCE, CAN YOU STRETCH YOUR LEGS? COME ON.

I'M GONNA GET A PHONE IN HERE.

A TELEPHONE?

AYE, FOR PHONE CALLS AND THINGS.

COME HERE AND HAVE A LOOK AT THIS.

I'M NOT GOING TO TOUCH THIS LOT, THOUGH.

I'M NOT GOING TO BREAK THE RULES.

LOOK AT ME, BRUCE. LOOK AT ME.

I'M GOING UP TO THE BUS STATION.

HAVE YOU ANY IDEA WHAT THE PENALTY FOR ARMED ROBBERY IS?

IT'S 12 YEARS!

12 YEARS!

AND, AND ASSAULT...

THREATENING BEHAVIOR.

I'M NOT WEARING A COSTUME.

WILL, PLEASE...

[SIGHS]

OK.

BUT LOOK, NO GOING INTO THE BUS STATION, NO TALKING TO ANYBODY EXCEPT HER, NO TELLING HER WHO YOU ARE, AND NO MENTION I EVEN EXIST, RIGHT?

WAIT. HERE.

HERE.

POTIFER'S OINTMENT.

GUARANTEED RELIEF FROM SHINGLES, SCABIES, ECSEMA, PSORIASIS, WARTS...AND OTHER CONDITIONS OF THE SKIN.


[BEEP, BEEP]

THEY HAD A GUN!

YOU COULD HARDLY ASK ME TO TACKLE TWO MASKED GUNMEN.

BUT YOU'VE BEEN WITH THE COMPANY NEARLY TWO YEARS NOW.

THE FACT IS WHATEVER SUPERINTENDENT BAIRD MAY SAY, WE ARE LEFT WITH A BUSLOAD OF IRATE CLIENTS, AND YOU'RE HALF THE CAUSE OF THE WORRY.

MR. ILLINGWORTH--

I'M NOT GOING TO THREATEN YOU, BUT I'M SURE YOU'RE AWARE OF THE POSSIBILITIES OPEN TO THE COMPANY.

LOOK, WE'RE NOT AN UNFEELING COMPANY.

I CAN UNDERSTAND A YOUNG GIRL IN HIGH SPIRITS GETTING CARRIED AWAY.

YES, WELL, WE ALL GET CARRIED AWAY SOMETIMES.

I EXPECT FLAWLESS REPORTS ABOUT YOUR COURIER--

FLAWLESS!

[WOMAN ON P.A., INDISTINCT]


EXCUSE ME.

SORRY?

EXCUSE ME.

I'M SORRY BUT I'M IN A BIT OF A HURRY.

PLEASE!

DO I KNOW YOU?

NO. YOU DON'T. IMPOSSIBLE.

YOU CAN'T.

I DO KNOW YOU.

WOULD YOU LIKE A MINT?

THE REST ARE STRONG.

WHAT DID THEY CALL YOU?

MY NAME IS WILL. YOU DON'T KNOW ME.

YOU'VE NEVER SEEN ME BEFORE.

ANYWAY, I'VE GOT A VERY BAD HAND.

MAYBE I'LL SEE YOU AGAIN, THEN, WILL.

I HOLD UP BUSES!

Girl: I'M BURSTING.

I'VE STILL GOT YOUR FLOWERS.

IT'S THE BEST PRESENT I'VE EVER HAD.

ARE YOU TRYING TO GET ME TO WORK FOR YOU ON THE BUSES?

NO. YOU WON'T TELL ANYONE, WILL YOU?

I'M BURSTING.

I COULD GO FOR A PEE MYSELF.

I REALLY THOUGHT SHE WAS GONNA MAKE IT.

I REALLY DID.

[CHUCKLES] SO CLOSE.

SAY SOME MORE.

ARE YOU LOOKING FOR FLATTERY?

I'VE NEVER MET A ROBBER BEFORE.

I SOMETIMES WONDER IF I'M DOING THE RIGHT THING.

IT'S LIKE ROB ROY, ISN'T IT?

ROB ROY. THE HIGHLAND ROBIN HOOD.

WE USED TO READ THE STORIES--WHOA!

ME AND MY DAD.

AND I THOUGHT ROB ROY MacGREGOR WAS BETTER THAN BATMAN OR SUPERMAN OR ANY OF THEM.

OH, BATMAN'S GOOD.

AH, BUT REAL PEOPLE ARE BEST.

GOING TO HAVE TO UPDATE MY COMMENTS, YOU KNOW, BECAUSE OF YOU.

BUT I DON'T MIND.

IT'S BETTER, BECAUSE YOU'RE STILL ALIVE.

WELL, YOU WERE A MINUTE AGO.

[GIGGLING]

YOU KNOW, WE REALLY SHOULD TRY TO GET BETTER PICTURES OF OURSELVES...

TO SEND TO THE NEWSPAPERS.

RONNIE, I'VE GOT TO TELL YOU SOMETHING.

I MEAN, THAT LOOKS LIKE AN ILL PERSON'S FACE, THAT.

I MEAN, I DON'T WANT ANYBODY TO THINK I LOOK LIKE W.C. FIELDS OR SOMETHING.

HEY, I KNOW WHO TOOK THAT.

REMEMBER THE WEE WAIF IN THE SHADES?

SHE KEPT SHOUTING CHEESE.

I'VE ALWAYS GOT MY EYES SHUT IN PHOTOS.

WE CAN GO UP TO THE MACHINE AT THE STATION, GET IT DONE PROPERLY.

RONNIE--

THERE'S SOMETHING I'VE GOT TO TELL YOU.

AYE, ME, TOO.

I FORGOT THAT BRUCE IS LINING HIS NEST.

HE WAS OUT OF HIS CAGE WHILE I WAS AT THE SHOPS.

IT WAS ALL IN £20 NOTES.

HOW MUCH?

I BET 200 QUID WORTH.

OH, WELL, THAT'S ALL RIGHT.

RONNIE, I'VE REALLY GOT TO TELL YOU SOMETHING.

Ronnie: RIGHT. LOOK TOUGH.

Will: YOU KNOW THE GIRL, MARGOT, THE GIRL ON THE BUS?

YOU KNOW HOW I PROMISED NOT TO TELL HER, YOU KNOW, WHO I WAS AND THAT?

WELL, I DID.


[MOOING]

[POLICE SIREN]

Margot: MY DAD USED TO TAKE ME UP THERE WHEN I WAS LITTLE.

WHEN I STARTED AS A GUIDE, ALL I WANTED TO DO WAS GO BACK AND LEARN EVERYTHING ABOUT THE HEROES.

LIKE ROB ROY? YEAH. LIKE THAT.

THERE'S ONE LEGEND THAT SAYS THE HEROES AREN'T DEAD AT ALL-- JUST SLEEPING UNDERNEATH THE HILLS, AND ONE DAY THEY'LL COME BACK.

LIKE GHOSTS?

SOMETHING LIKE THAT.

DO YOU BELIEVE IN GHOSTS?


[MOTORCYCLE ROARS PAST]


[CHILDREN SCREAMING]


HA HA!

WHOO!

Will: LOOK, I'M JUST SAYING, IT'S NOT FAIR.

IF YOU WENT A BIT SLOWER MAYBE, THEN I COULD HAND OUT THE MONEY PROPERLY AND EVERYBODY WOULD GET THE SAME AMOUNT.

LOOK, WILL, WE'RE NOT SANTA CLAUS.

LOOK, IT WAS A NICE GESTURE. GOOD FOR THE IMAGE. FINE.

BUT I CAN'T HAVE YOU FRITTERING AWAY OUR MONEY LIKE THAT.

HAVE YOU ANY IDEA HOW MUCH YOU MUST HAVE THROWN OUT?

YOU SAID IT WAS A GOOD IDEA.

BRUCE ATE £200.

LOOK, DON'T YOU START MAKING INSINUATIONS ABOUT HIM, OK?

YOU'VE GOT YOUR FRIENDS, AND I'VE GOT MINE.

ANYWAY, HOW'D YOU GET THE MONEY TO BUY

10 BILLION CUPS OF TEA FOR YOUR FRIEND, EH?

IT'S NOT THAT MANY.

LOOK, YOU'RE BREAKING THE RULES.

YOU'RE USING OUR MONEY TO FRATERNIZE.

AND NOW YOU WANT TO GIVE THE REST AWAY?

I DON'T KNOW WHAT'S GOT INTO YOU.

AND WHERE ARE YOU ALL THE TIME?

I'M NOT FRATERNIZING.

ARE WE GOING UP NORTH AGAIN SOON?

OH, SO YOU'VE BEEN HAVING SOME MORE CONSTRUCTIVE IDEAS ABOUT THE BUSINESS, THEN, HAVE YOU?

NO, NO, NO. NOT AT ALL.

OH, YES, I HAVE! I'VE BEEN THINKING.

WE COULD WEAR DIFFERENT MASKS TO THROW THEM OFF OUR TRAIL.

AND MAYBE WE COULD PUT SOME DIFFERENT STUFF IN THE PUFFER, JUST FOR A CHANGE.

PERFUME OR SOMETHING.

AYE, WE COULD HAVE A NICE PUFFER FOR PEOPLE WE LIKED.

ONLY JOKING.

WHAT WOULD YOU SAY IF I TOLD YOU YOUR SON WAS FAMOUS?

I MEAN, REALLY FAMOUS, LIKE A HERO.

YOU DIDN'T KNOW THAT, DID YOU?

YOU SEE, I GET THINGS DONE.

I DON'T JUST LIE AROUND ALL DAY.

I FOUND OUT ABOUT THIS PLACE, A PLACE WHERE I CAN MEET PEOPLE WHO REALLY KNOW HOW TO GET THINGS DONE--

PEOPLE LIKE ME.

I'M A DISADVANTAGED CHILD.

I DON'T HAVE THE SECURITY OF THE FAMILY UNIT TO BACK ME UP.

[CHATTERING]

I'VE GOT TO DO THINGS ON MY OWN.

JUDGES ARE LENIENT ON PEOPLE LIKE ME.

WHAT'S YOUR GAME?

RONNIE WEATHERSPOON, SIR.

YEAH. YEAH. IT'S ALL RIGHT, TAP.

THE BOY'S WITH ME.

THE MAN HIMSELF? HOW ARE YOU?

NICE TO SEE YOU, SON. THANKS FOR COMING DOWN.

HOW'S BUSINESS?

IT'S NOT BAD. GOOD.

ALL RIGHT, COME ON, STAND BACK, YOU LOT.

COME ON, STAND BACK, GIVE THE BOY SOME SPACE.

LADS, I HAVE HERE THE 17th MOST WANTED MAN IN SCOTLAND.

[CHEERING]

WHAT DO YOU WANT?

I'LL HAVE A GINGER BEER, THANKS.

UH, A GINGER BEER. STICK ONE IN THERE.

AND THEY TELL YOU CRIME DOESN'T PAY, RIGHT?

RIGHT, YEAH.

TRANSPORTATION, RIGHT?

OK. THINK-- THINK CARGO.

PASSENGERS.

PEOPLE. SEE WHAT I'M SAYING?

YEAH. BUT THINK CLASS.

RIGHT? THE RIGHT CLASS OF PEOPLE.

NOW, RIGHT, WHERE ARE THEY GONNA BE?

ON BUSES? NAH, NOT REALLY.

PLANES? TOO MUCH COMPETITION.

THINK CARS. CARS.

LIMOUSINES.

SHAKE, PAL.

OOH, I JUST LOVED WHAT YOU DID TO THAT YANKEE BASTARD.

HAVE YOU EVER CONSIDERED GOING FOR PRIVATE CARS?

WELL, ACTUALLY, THERE WAS--

YOU JUST ABOLISHED HIM. THAT WAS BLOODY GREAT.

HELLO, NIGEL.

MR. PYLES...

LOOK, THINK POTENTIAL.

YOU SEE WHAT I'M SAYING?

THE POTENTIAL IS DEFINITELY THERE IF YOU'RE WORKING INSIDE WHAT WE HAVE HERE, WHICH IS A COOPERATIVE.

SO THIS IS-- WE ARE COOPERATIVE WITH EACH OTHER; WE HELP EACH OTHER.

YOU SEE WHAT I'M SAYING?

SO, LIKE, CARS, PEOPLE IN CARS.

BLACKMAIL, KIDNAPPING, EXTORTION--

WE HAVE GOT THE CONTACTS, SEE?

YOU SEE WHAT I'M SAYING?

GET YOURSELF A SUNTAN. SEE THE WORLD.

SEEN IT.

AYE.

AW, HE'S A NAMBY- PAMBY OLD BASTARD, THAT PYLE.

AYE. YOU'RE RIGHT. NAMBY-PAMBY, AYE.

IT WAS DIFFERENT IN THE OLD DAYS.

I MEAN, SEE ME.

EVEN I HAVEN'T GOT A GUN NOW.

GUNS ARE FOR LASSIES.

I MEAN, NOBODY SEEMS TO PUT THE BOOT IN ANYMORE.

NO. I KNOW WHAT YOU MEAN. THEY JUST DON'T.

I MEAN, ALL THAT ENTERPRISE AND PROFIT AND PISH LIKE THAT GETS IN MY HEAD!

AAH!

[DOG BARKING]

[CHUCKLES]

YOU DON'T WANT TO BOTHER WITH THAT SHITE.

NO. NO.

DO YOU NEED YOUR GLASSES?

NO.

I MEAN, YOU DON'T WANT GLASS GOING IN YOUR EYE WHEN SOME BASTARD STANDS ON YOUR FACE.

RIGHT.

SEE THESE?

CONTACT LENSES.

OHHH. CHANGED MY LIFE.

SOFT LENSES.

EXPENSIVE ONES.

SEE, MY OPTICIAN KNOWS HIS ASS FROM HIS ELBOW.

THAT'S WHAT I LIKE ABOUT YOU.

NO NAMBY-PAMBY SHITE.

YOU JUST GO OUT THERE-- YOU GET ON YOUR MOTORBIKE AND YOU SEE WHAT YOU WANT, AND IF YOU DON'T GET IT, MUTILATION!

AYE. MUTILATION.

AYE. AYE.

[LAUGHING]

MUTILATION.

MUTILATION.

[LAUGHING]

[SIREN IN DISTANCE]

Man: WELL, THE PUFFER SEEMS TO EMIT A MIXTURE OF POWDERS AND STUFF.

AYE, I KNOW.

SOMEBODY SAID A HOT BATH MIGHT HELP.

[TELEPHONE RINGS]

THAT'S OUT OF THE QUESTION.

OH, THERE'S NO WAY THAT WE COULD OFFER GUARANTEES LIKE THAT.

OH, WELL, I MEAN, IF THEY WERE PERSISTENT.

TAKING THEIR CASH AND VALUABLES ON A BUS TRIP.

WHAT DO YOU EXPECT?

AYE, WELL, MAYBE THEY ARE JUST AS STUPID AS THEY LOOK.

OH, I CAN TELL THAT TO THE SECRETARY.

NO. THERE'S NO WAY I'M GONNA MAKE THE COURT DATE.

[CLEARS THROAT]

LOOK, UM, WHY DON'T WE JUST GIVE HER WHATEVER SHE WANTS?

WHAT?!

BUT THAT'S TWICE MY ANNUAL SALARY.

IT'S HER DIVORCE, ISN'T IT?

GOOD-BYE.

OH, I'M PAYING YOU FOR THIS CALL, RIGHT?

THAT'S RIGHT.

I'M ON GOVERNMENT BUSINESS.

CLASSIFIED. MM-HMM.

NO, NO, NO. IT'S NOT A VACATION ANYMORE, AND I DON'T KNOW HOW LONG IT'S GONNA TAKE.

SO...

VISITING RIGHTS? WE DON'T HAVE ANY CHILDREN.

BEN, I LOVE THAT DOG.

[LAUGHING]

[SIGHS]

SHE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE HER!

THE DOG!

YEAH, WELL, I'M-- LOOK, I'M GONNA BE BACK AS QUICKLY AS I CAN.

JUST DON'T LET THIS HAPPEN. TAKE CARE OF ME.

MM-HMM. YEAH. YOU CALL ME.

I GUESS YOU FEEL PRETTY PLEASED ABOUT THE WAY THIS OPERATION'S GOING, HUH?

YOU MAKING SOME KIND OF A COMPLAINT, MR. BENDER?

WELL, THE WAY I SEE IT, IF AN OUTFIT LIKE MINE WAS TO TRY TO HANDLE TROUBLE LIKE THIS, WE COULD WRAP IT UP IN A COUPLE OF DAYS.

AND I THINK MAYBE THE ENGLISH GOVERNMENT MIGHT SEE IT THE SAME WAY.

ARE YOU THREATENING ME, MR. BENDER?

NUMBER 7.

YOU WON'T BELIEVE THIS ONE.

WHAT WAS THE NAME OF THE KID WITH THE BUS COMPANY?

CUTE LITTLE THING WITH THE FLOWERS.

Isla: THAT'S TAKING MY OXYGEN.

HEY, WHAT DID YOU DO THAT FOR?

IT TOOK ME DAYS TO FIND THAT CANDLE.

SO? OH, ISLA!

IT WAS TAKING MY OXYGEN.

YOU'VE GOT STEAK AND KIDNEY PIE ALL OVER THE END.

HA! OW!

DO YOU WEAR SUSPENDERS?

IT MUST BE VERY INTERESTING--COURIERING.

OH, YES. WELL, THE COUNTRY IS LOVELY.

THE TOURISTS CAN GET A BIT TIRESOME SOMETIMES, BUT IT HAS ITS MOMENTS.

AYE. IT'S A GOOD STEADY JOB, WHICH IS MORE THAN COULD BE SAID FOR SOME.

I BET IT HAS ITS MOMENTS JUST NOW, THOUGH, EH?

WITH THESE YOUNG WEE BANDITS IN THE HILLS.

DO YOU EVER COME ACROSS ANY OF 'EM?

WELL...

THEY'RE GREAT, AREN'T THEY, DAD?

THEY'RE REALLY CLEVER AND THEY'RE BRAVE--

AYE. THEY'VE GOT INITIATIVE.

AND THEY'VE GOT INITIATIVE WHEN IT COUNTS, HAVEN'T THEY?

AYE. I'D GIVE A WEEK'S WAGES TO MEET ONE OF THOSE LADS.

WHAT WORRIES ME IS WHAT'S GOING TO HAPPEN TO THEM.

I MEAN, IT CAN'T GO ON FOREVER, CAN IT?

ONE WOULD HOPE NOT.

THEY'LL NEVER CATCH THOSE BOYS.

THEY'RE FAR TOO CLEVER.

THEY'VE GOT INITIATIVE WHERE IT COUNTS.

DID YOU HEAR WHAT THEY DID TO A BUSLOAD OF GERMANS UP IN...? MR. BRYCE!

THEY'RE ATTACKING OUR BIGGEST INDUSTRY--

TOURISM.

Mother: EXACTLY.

THERE'S FOREIGNERS WITH MONEY AND INFLUENCE ON THOSE TOURS.

AND THEY'RE MAKING A JOKE OF THE POLICE FORCE. THEY'LL GET THE CHOP.

THE ELECTRIC CHAIR?

WHO'S FOR MORE PIE?

OCH!

I CANNAE GET IT LIT.

Will: WHAT ARE YOU THINKING?

Margot: NOTHING. NOTHING!

[CLEARS THROAT] ROB ROY.

"AND SO, AMONGST THESE ROCKS LIVED

"THROUGH SUMMER HEAT AND WINTER SNOW.

"THE EAGLE-- HE WAS LORD ABOVE, AND ROB WAS LORD BELOW."

I BEG YOUR PARDON?

IT'S A POEM ABOUT ROB ROY.

REMEMBER?

ROB ROY?


YOU'RE SMUDGING THE GLASS.

IS WILL THERE?

IS WILL THERE? WILL WHO?

WILL BRYCE. I'M HIS FRIEND.

CAN I COME IN?

WILL BRICE?

IS HE THE LEGENDARY TOMMY BRYCE THAT USED TO WORK DOWN THE BOTTLE FACTORY?

ARE YOU RONNIE?

YOU'RE HIS FRIEND, RONNIE. LET ME IN.

I CAN'T. IT'S LOCKED.

WE'RE CLOSED.

THERE'S NO RONNIE HERE.

I KNOW ABOUT IT.

I KNOW. I'M A FRIEND.

[KEYS JINGLE]

[SIGHS]

[BELL RINGS]

I CAN'T.

RONNIE'S DEAD. PASSED AWAY.

VERY SAD.

I'VE GOT TO GO NOW FINISH THE ACCOUNTS.

[BELL RINGS]

Ronnie: WOMEN ARE NOTHING BUT TROUBLE.

YOU SHOULD START TO THINK ABOUT THAT.

I MEAN, SHE'S ALL YOU THINK ABOUT.

HALF THE BUS STATION PROBABLY KNOWS ABOUT US BECAUSE OF YOU AND YOUR WOMAN.

ALL I WANTED TO LET YOU KNOW--

I'M LEAVING HERE SOON!

I'VE GOT PROPER FRIENDS NOW--

FRIENDS THAT CAN GET THE PENSION FUND INVESTED PROPERLY.

TIMES--

TIMES ARE CHANGING, PAL, AND YOU'VE GOT TO CHANGE WITH THEM.

I WAS ONLY-- WE'RE CLOSED!

[CLICK]

[DOG BARKS]

[DOG BARKING]

[TELEPHONE RINGING]

THAT'S MY OWN PERSONAL, PRIVATE TELEPHONE.

IT JUST KEPT ON RINGING. I COULDN'T TURN IT OFF.

IT WASN'T MY IDEA TO PUT IT IN A DRAWER.

[RINGING]

THAT'S MY LAWYER. I'VE GOT TO TAKE THE CALL.

GET A HAMMER.

Man on TV: THE POLICE ARE CONCENTRATING THEIR EFFORTS ON TRYING TO ESTABLISH A PATTERN IN THE HOLD-UPS AND ARE STRESSING THE DIFFICULTY OF PATROLLING THE ROADS IN THIS REMOTE HIGHLAND REGION.

BUT DETECTIVE INSPECTOR BAIRD, WHO IS HEADING THE INQUIRY IS STILL OPTIMISTIC ABOUT AN EARLY ARREST.

AND A NEW LEAD TODAY:

A PHOTOGRAPH OF THE SO-CALLED CLOWN AND WOLFMAN BEARING A HIGHLAND POSTMARK WAS DELIVERED TO TELEVISION CENTER.

FORENSIC SCIENTISTS ARE CURRENTLY STUDYING THE PICTURE IN THE HOPE IT MAY GIVE THEM THE CLUE THEY ARE LOOKING FOR.

SO FAR, BOTH THE SCOTTISH LIBERATION FRONT AND THE CALEDONIAN NATIONAL GROUP HAVE CLAIMED RESPONSIBILITY...

DO YOU MIND IF I JOIN YOU?

IN PARLIAMENT THIS AFTERNOON, OPPOSITION BLAMED THE GOVERNMENT'S UNEMPLOYMENT RECORD FOR THE INCREASE IN CRIME.

TODAY THE SEARCH FOR THE PIRATES WAS JOINED BY AN UNUSUAL EXPEDITION FROM THE LAND OF THE RISING SUN.

THE 8-MAN TELEVISION CREW WANTS TO BE THE FIRST TO FILM THE BANDITS IN ACTION.

THOUGH THEIR ARRIVAL HAS CAUSED SOME ANGER AMONG THE LOCAL MEDIA AND POLICE.

DON'T YOU THINK YOUR PRESENCE MIGHT GET IN THE WAY OF POLICE ATTEMPTS TO CATCH THE BANDITS?

NO. I...I...WE ARE NOT HERE FOR REVENGE.

WE ONLY WANT TO...TO FILM IT FOR OUR PROGRAM.

YES. YES. YES.

Woman on TV: THAT WAS MICHAEL DOUGLAS REPORTING...

WHEN'S THE NEXT HOLD-UP?

WHAT DID YOU SAY?

I WAS JUST WONDERING WHEN YOU THOUGHT THESE MEN MIGHT DO THE NEXT BUS HOLD-UP, YOU KNOW, UP NORTH.

OH, AYE, HOLD-UP. HOLD-UP.

WHAT HOLD-UPS THAT?

THERE IS A LOT OF FUNNY THINGS GOING ON.

YOU SHOULD READ THE NEWSPAPERS.

OF COURSE, I HAVEN'T REALLY BEEN FOLLOWING IT.

HOLD-UP.

I GUESS THESE THINGS JUST HAPPEN OUT OF THE BLUE, DON'T THEY?

ONE MORE YOU'RE SITTING THERE, QUITE THE THING, AND THE NEXT WHO KNOWS?

I MEAN, WHO KNOWS?

[REPORTER CONTINUES]

I DO.

STRONG NORTHWESTERLY WINDS WILL BRING RAIN TO MOST... AND YOU DO.

AND RONNIE WEATHERSPOON KNOWS.

WE'VE ALL GOT BIRTHDAYS COMING UP SOON.

[SEAGULL CAWS]

I MADE THEM PROMISE AN OATH OF SECRECY.

I SAID, I SAID THEY COULD BECOME HONORARY MEMBERS IF THEY COULD PROVE THEY COULD KEEP A SECRET.

WELL, AND SOME MORE JEWELRY.

THEY WANT IDENTITY CARDS, RONNIE, SAYING THEY'RE MEMBERS.

LOOK...

KEEP YOUR HEAD, OK?

ARE YOU TRYING TO TELL ME THAT YOU ARE SCARED OF A BUNCH OF WEE LASSIES?

LOOK, LOOK, YOU'RE IN THE BIG TIME NOW.

KIDS CAN GET DAMAGED MESSING WITH PEOPLE LIKE US.

YOU KNOW, LIKE, MUTILATION.

I'LL TALK TO THEM AGAIN.

MAYBE I COULD--

[DIAL TONE]

HELLO?

HELLO?

MR. ILLINGWORTH.

EXCUSE ME.

THERE'S A LADY HERE WITH A BIT OF A PROBLEM.

AH, YES, HELLO.

EXCUSE ME, SIR.

COULD YOU TELL ME WHICH ONE OF THESE BUSES WE COULD GO ON WHERE MAYBE THERE MIGHT BE ONE OF THOSE STICK-UPS?

[GONG]

[MAN ON TV SPEAKING JAPANESE]


[MAN CONTINUES IN JAPANESE]

[POLICE SIREN]

[SHOUTING IN JAPANESE]

[MAN ON TV CONTINUES IN JAPANESE]


DOMO ARIGATO...

Will: WHERE DID YOU FIND THIS BIKE?

Ronnie: WHAT?

I THOUGHT YOU SAID YOU'D TUNED THE ENGINE UP.

ARE YOU JUST GONNA SIT THERE MOPING?

[YELLING IN JAPANESE]

COME ON. WILL YOU GET PAST?

HE'S HARDLY A MOTORWAY.

YOU'RE ABSOLUTELY DREADFUL AT DRIVING.

COME ON!

Will: SLOW DOWN! WILL YOU SLOW DOWN!

RONNIE, SLOW DOWN!

AFFIRMATIVE. WE READ YOU.

THEY'VE GOT GLEN ORCHY AND GLEN LEVITT BLOCKED OFF.

HOW ABOUT GLENN MILLER?

HOW ABOUT GLENN MILLER?

THERE IS NO GLENN MILLER.

I KNOW THERE'S NOT A GLENN MILLER.

THERE'S NO SUCH PLACE AS GLENN MILLER.

GLENN MILLER WAS THE COMPOSER, YOU KNOW, CONDUCTOR GUY-- "IN THE MOOD."

[HUMMING MELODY]

Will: WILL YOU SLOW DOWN?

[SPEAKING JAPANESE]

RONNIE, I JUST...

NOW THROW IT! THROW IT!

IT NEARLY HIT A CAR. EH?

IT NEARLY HIT A CAR.

OH, JEEZ!

ME! MY GOODNESS! COME IN, CONTROL.

THEY'RE FIRING ON US.

I'VE BEEN WAITING FOR THIS ALL MY LIFE.

AAH!

[SIRENS]

[CLUCKING]

[REVS MOTORCYCLE]

GET 'EM!

THE BEACH! THE BEACH!

[HORN HONKS]


[SIRENS]

THAT WAS NEARLY IT THAT TIME, YOU KNOW.

YES. BECAUSE YOU USED THOSE MINI ROCKETS, DIDN'T YOU?

RONNIE, THOSE STAR BLAZER THINGS WOULD HAVE BLOWN THEM UP!

Bender: I THOUGHT THE IDEA OF THE BARRICADE WAS TO STOP THE BANDITS, NOT THE POLICE CARS.

[TELEPHONE RINGING]

I'M BUSY!

THAT'S A LIE.

OK, BEN, LISTEN.

THIS IS MAN TO MAN. YOU GOT TO BELIEVE ME.

I DON'T HAVE THAT KIND OF A PROBLEM.

I SAID I DON'T HAVE THAT PROBLEM!

[SIGHS]

OK, DID YOU SEE THE DOG?

HER NOSE WAS COLD?

YEAH, YEAH. CALL ME.

I THINK THE OPERATION NEEDS A KICK IN THE BUTT.

I'LL MAKE A NOTE OF YOUR COMMENTS, MR. BENDER.

YOU BETTER DO MORE THAN THAT, MR. BAIRD.

I'VE GOT AN AUTHORIZATION FROM YOUR MR. SECRETARY.

THE CASE IS MINE.

WHY DON'T YOU GO FISHING?

THAT'S A VERY NASTY RASH YOU'VE GOT, MR. BENDER.

YOU REALLY SHOULD TRY AND DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT.


RONNIE?

[LOUD ROCK MUSIC PLAYING]

[BOTTLES CLINKING]

[CHATTERING]

WHAT DO YOU WANT?

YOU'RE NOT AT THE SHOP.

AH, WELL, I'M-- I'M A BIT BUSY JUST NOW.

WHAT'S THAT SMELL?

Nigel: COME ON, RONNIE.

YOUR TURN TO EAT ONE ON YOUR WOMAN.

HIYA, BIG BOY.

COME AND JOIN THE PARTY.

[CHANTING]


HIS NAME'S NIGEL.

HE'S JUST COME OUT OF PRISON FOR THE FOURTH TIME.

HE'S GOT A REAL GUN, MARGOT. HE'S DANGEROUS.

HE SAID HE WAS GOING TO BITE BRUCE'S HEAD OFF.

[CLICKS TONGUE]

NO. HE'S REALLY LIKE THAT. HE WOULD.

AND THEN RONNIE SAID HE CAN DO THIS HOLD-UP WITH US TOMORROW.

IT'S ALL DIFFERENT.

THE STRATHOUT RUN WITH HIM!

PLUS, THE WOMEN'S INSTITUTE OUTING.

LOOK, IT'S A ROTTEN BUSINESS, WILL, AND YOU'RE BETTER OFF OUT OF IT.

I SAID I'D GO.

WE COULD ALL GO RUN AWAY, MARGOT.

THINK, WILL. WHAT ABOUT ME?

THERE'S NO ROOM ON THE BIKE.

MAYBE IF IT HAD A SIDE CAR.

[SIGHS]

YOU USED TO THINK IT WAS GREAT.

THAT WAS HALF WHAT WAS GREAT ABOUT IT.

YOU'RE SO STUPID. YOU'RE SO STUPID, YOU CAN'T SEE THINGS HAVE CHANGED NOW.

WILL, DO YOU NOT KNOW THAT I...?

MARGOT, DON'T GO. YOU'LL GET COLD.

MARGOT.


OK. EASY.

YEAH, WE'VE HAD OUR EYE ON YOU.

WHERE'S YOUR FRIEND?

Doll: MOMMY!

[CLEARS THROAT]

I THOUGHT I TOLD YOU I'D PICK YOU UP TOMORROW.

I'M NOT GOING.

OK.

YOU'LL HAVE TO BRING ME THE MASK AND THE PUFFER.

DON'T WORRY.

I'LL MAKE SURE YOU GET YOUR SHARE OF THE MONEY.

IT'S A COMPLETELY DIFFERENT BALLGAME NOW, ANYWAY.

YOU'RE PROBABLY BETTER OFF OUT OF IT.

WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO DO TOMORROW?

WE'RE GONNA PUT THE BOOT IN.

I'M GONNA GET MYSELF SOME STATUS.

IT'S THE WOMEN'S INSTITUTE, RONNIE.

LOOK, PENNYCOOK.

WE COULD GO INTO HIDING IN PENNYCOOK.

NOBODY WOULD FIND US.

WE COULD WEAR DISGUISES TO GO TO THE SHOPS.

MARGOT, SHE SAID TO ME, "DON'T YOU KNOW I...?"

LOOK...

I'M NOT INTERESTED IN YOU AND YOUR WOMAN!

YOU JUST HAVEN'T GOT A CLUE, HAVE YOU?

WHAT DOES THAT SAY?

BEATTY. RIGHT.

SO, WHAT'S MY NAME?

RONNIE!

RONNIE WEATHERSPOON.

LOOK, I DON'T KNOW WHO'S DOWN THERE.

I JUST PICKED THEM.

SEE, THAT'S WHERE ME AND YOU ARE DIFFERENT, PAL.

I DON'T HAVE PEOPLE TO TIE ME DOWN.

I'M GOIN' PLACES.

AND I DON'T WANT ANY BAGGAGE WITH ME, RIGHT?

RIGHT. RIGHT.

JELLY SANDWICHES!

JELLY SANDWICHES!

THOUSANDS OF JELLY SANDWICHES!

I KEPT YOU ALIVE FOR MORE THAN A YEAR WHILE YOU WERE SAVING UP FOR THAT BIKE.

EVERY DAY I PASTED UP A SANDWICH, AND I SMUGGLED IT OUT OF MY HOUSE FOR YOU.

AND YOU DON'T HAVE PEOPLE TO TIE YOU DOWN?

AND WHAT ABOUT THE CLOWN AND THE WOLFMAN?

SO WHAT ARE YOU NOW?

YOU ARE A CLOWN.

YOU'RE A CLOWN!

A CLOWN IN A STUPID LEATHER COAT.

AND WHO'S GONNA CARE FOR YOU WHEN YOU AND THAT ANIMAL MEET A COUPLE OF HARD MEN THAT ARE BIGGER THAN YOU?

WHO'S GONNA CARE FOR YOU THEN, EH?


90 QUID THAT COAT COST ME!

LOOK AT THIS.

SEE, EVERY TRIP THAT'S CIRCLED WAS A HOLD-UP EXCEPT FOR THIS ONE; THAT'S SCHEDULED TOMORROW.

I'M GONNA BE HOME IN 24 HOURS.

CUP OF COFFEE?

STICK YOUR HEAD IN IT, CHANTY.

YOU WANT ME TO CALL BAIRD?

NO. LET'S LEAVE THE INSPECTOR OUT OF THIS ONE, EH?

THIS ONE IS MY BABY.

OK, ANGELFACE.

TOMORROW YOU AND I ARE GONNA TAKE A BUS RIDE TOGETHER.

Doll: SING TO THE NEXT SONG.

* BAA, BAA, BLACK SHEEP HAVE YOU ANY WOOL? *

Policeman joins: * YESSIR, YESSIR

* 3 BAGS FULL 1 FOR THE MASTER *

* AND 1 FOR THE DAME...

WHERE'S MOM?

GONE TO AEROBICS.

RIGHT. YOU'LL HAVE TO TELL HER I'VE GONE AWAY TO BECOME A PRIEST, BUT I'LL SEND HER A POSTCARD.

RIGHT.

THEY'VE GOT MARY HARRISON.

WHO? WHO'S GOT HER?

THE PIGS.

SHE WON'T CRACK.

I KNOW SHE WON'T CRACK.

'CAUSE IF SHE CRACKS, I'LL TELL 'EM ABOUT HUNG BOBBY MARTIN.

RIGHT. I'VE GOT ONE PHONE CALL TO MAKE.

[TELEPHONE RINGING]

EXCUSE ME.

HELLO? NO. SHE'S NOT HERE.

TOMORROW SHE'S ON THE STRATHOUT RUN.

OK.

MARGOT'S GOING TO BE ON THAT BUS.

RONNIE?

SHALL I COME TOMORROW?

AYE.

IT'S ALL FINISHED NOW, ISN'T IT?

WE'RE STILL GOING.

ONE MORE TIME TO STRATHOUT.

THE CLOWN AND THE WOLFMAN.

FUNNY BUSINESS.

AYE.


MR. BAIRD. WHAT?

TELEX FROM THE SECRETARY OF STATE.

"OPERATION BANDIT."

GET BENDER.

HE'S GONE. AYE?

EVERYTHING'S CHANGED.

THEY'RE HERE. THEY'RE RIGHT HERE IN THE TOWN.

Big Country: * ALONE AMONG THE HILLS AND STONE *

* THROUGH SUMMER SUN AND WINTER SNOW *

* THE EAGLE HE WAS LORD ABOVE *

* AND ROB WAS LORD BELOW

[HORN HONKING]

* 240 YEARS WE LIVED

* WITHOUT HOPE AND WITHOUT PRIDE *

* SO, WHO WILL KNOW WHERE THEY COME FROM? *

* WHO WILL RAISE THE TORCH FOR THOSE WHO DIED? *

* I WILL BE WITH THEM

* IN THE SUMMER SUN AND THE WINTER SNOW *

* THEY WILL COME AND CLOUDS WILL GO *

* SHOW THAT WE ARE PROUD AGAIN

* THOUGH ALL WE LOST IN AUTUMN DAYS *

* CANNOT BE BORN AGAIN

* STAND HERE BY ME UNTIL THE WAYS *

* OF AGE AND YOUTH ARE ONE AND SAME *

* I WILL BE WITH THEM

* IN THE SUMMER SUN AND THE WINTER SNOW *

* THEY WILL COME AND CLOUDS WILL GO *

* AND SHOW THEM WE ARE PROUD AGAIN *

* AND I WILL BE WITH THEM

* IN THE SUMMER SUN AND THE WINTER SNOW *

* THEY WILL COME AND CLOUDS WILL GO *

* SHOW THEM WE ARE PROUD AGAIN

* ALONE AMONG THE HILLS AND STONE *

* THROUGH SUMMER SUN AND WINTER SNOW *

* THE EAGLE HE WAS LORD ABOVE *

* ROB WAS LORD BELOW


MARGOT?

DEAR ME, WHAT ARE YOU WEARING?

OK, HOLD IT!

NO, SUNSHINE. YOU HOLD IT.

NO, JACK, YOU HOLD IT.

[SCREAMING]

MARGOT!

WASTE HIM, RONNIE.

LOOK AT ME. I'M BULLETPROOF MAN.

COME ON, YOU!

PUT THE BOOT IN.

Will: RONNIE. DO IT!

SORRY, NIGEL.

GIVE ME THAT, SUCKERS!

ACHOO!

EVERYBODY ON THE BUS STAY PUT!

Passengers: AWW!

[WOMEN CHEERING]

[SHEEP BLEATING]

OK, MOVE. LET'S GO! GO!


AND NOW THAT WE'VE GOT YOU AWAY FROM THE EYES OF THE ADORING PUBLIC, LET'S GET THE MASKS OFF.

WELL, SCOTTIE, WHAT TOOK YOU SO LONG?

JESUS CHRIST!

[CHUCKLES]

THERE'S BEEN A WEE BIT OF A CHANGE.

YOU BETTER READ THAT.

HUH?

LISTEN, THERE'S A MESSAGE FROM YOUR LAWYER: YOU GOT THE DOG! HA HA!

IF THERE'S ANY PROBLEM, YOUR LAWYER WILL PHONE YOU.


I WANT YOU TO HAVE THIS.

IT'S NOT GOLD.

IT WAS MEANT TO BE GOLD FOR HIS WARTS.


[WAVES CRASH ON SHORE]

OUT!

COME ON, OUT!

[SEAGULLS CAWING]

I HAD A TELEX FROM THE SECRETARY OF STATE FOR SCOTLAND.

IT'S FROM THE SCOTTISH SECRETARY.

IT SEEMS TOURIST SPENDING HAS GONE UP 15%

SINCE THE START OF THESE ACTIVITIES.

YOU'RE BIGGER THAN THE LOCH NESS MONSTER.

GROSSLY IRRESPONSIBLE CRIMINAL BEHAVIOR OF THE MOST FLAGRANT KIND!

"LOW PROFILE," HE SAYS.

"HANDLE WITH THE UTMOST DISCRETION.

POLITICAL HOT POTATO."

I CANNAE LET YOU GO.

SO, IT WAS HERE IN A LAST DESPERATE BID TO ESCAPE THE TIGHTENING GRIP OF THE LAW THAT THE HIGHLAND HEROES PLUNGED TO THEIR DEATHS IN THESE STORMY SEAS.

AND ALL THAT REMAINS IS THE BROKEN WRECKAGE OF THE JAPANESE MOTORCYCLE THAT CARRIED THEM THROUGH SO MANY DARING RAIDS.

I THINK THAT'S TERRIBLE.

NOW STREWN ACROSS THESE JAGGED ROCKS...

I NEVER THOUGHT IT WOULD END LIKE THIS.

...WITHOUT ANY PRETENSE OF CROOKEDNES.

THERE WERE SCENES OF WILD EMOTION AS THE UNFORGETTABLE FIGURES OF THE CLOWN AND THE WOLFMAN SPED DOWN THE MAIN STREET OF THAT CITY.

THE EXCITED CROWD COULD HARDLY HAVE IMAGINED THE DRAMATIC FATE WHICH AWAITED THE OUTLAWS.

DURING THEIR BRIEF CAREER AS HIGHWAYMEN IN SCOTTISH HIGHLANDS, THE CLOWN AND THE WOLFMAN CAPTURED THE IMAGINATION OF A WORLDWIDE AUDIENCE...

THANK YOU.

IT'S REALLY GOOD, THIS STUFF, YOU KNOW?

YOU SHOULD TRY SOME. IT TASTES LIKE...

THERE'S BITS DROPPING OFF OF THIS.

LOOK, THERE'S BITS FALLING OFF MY ICE.

THERE COULD BE A GERM IN THERE OR SOMETHING.

I READ THAT...

DON'T BE SUCH A BIG LASSIE.

A COUPLE OF WEE GERMS NEVER DID ANYBODY ANY HARM.

ANYWAY, WE ARE BIGGER THAN GERMS, YOU AND ME.

PUT YOUR NAME ON THAT.

IT'S TO YOUR FAMILY.

[DONKEY BRAYS]

"NEW MEXICO-- LAND OF OPPORTUNITY.

WEATHER VERY NICE."

THEY'RE VERY HOSPITABLE HERE, AREN'T THEY?

VERY GOOD TO TOURISTS.

WHEN CAN I SAY I WILL BE HOME?

WELL, WE'LL HAVE TO WAIT FOR A DECENT INTERVAL.

HAVE TO WAIT FOR OUR BONDS TO MATURE AT LEAST.

SAY CHRISTMAS.

DO YOU THINK IT'LL BE OK TO GO BACK AT CHRISTMAS?

RONNIE, YOU'VE GOT TO HAVE SOME RESPECT FOR THE DEAD.

Man on TV: ALL THAT REMAINS IS THIS...

[SHEEP BLEATING]

A SAD, SODDEN REMINDER OF MORTALITY.

WE MAY NEVER KNOW WHO THEY WERE.

BUT ONE THING IS CERTAIN:

NOW NO ONE CAN TAME THEM.

IS THIS THE END OF THE STORY OR THE BEGINNING OF A LEGEND?

MEL HAMMER, "A.M. NEWS MAGAZINE," SCOTLAND.

DO YOU BELIEVE IN GHOSTS?


Big Country: * THE DAY THEY HAD A PARTY *

* RIGHT OUT IN THE STREET *

* FLAGS AND FLOWERS AND SINGING *

* FOR THE HOMECOME HERO'S TREAT *

* I SAT IN THE KITCHEN

* WITHOUT A FIRE ON THE RANGE *

* I KNEW THIS HOUSE HAD LOST THE CAUSE *

* TO EVER MAKE ME WARM AGAIN *

* COME BACK TO ME

* THE DAYS ARE ALL TOO LONG

* COME BACK TO ME

* YOU NEVER SHOULD HAVE GONE

* I WAS SO YOUNG AND FULL OF PRIDE *

* AND YOU WERE WILD AND STRONG *

CAPTIONING MADE POSSIBLE BY LIONS GATE ENTERTAINMENT


Big Country: * ALONE AMONG THE HILLS AND STONE *

* THROUGH SUMMER SUN AND WINTER SNOW *

* THE EAGLE HE WAS LORD ABOVE *

* AND ROB WAS LORD BELOW

* 240 YEARS WE LIVED

* WITHOUT HOPE AND WITHOUT PRIDE *

* SO, WHO WILL KNOW WHERE THEY COME FROM? *

* WHO WILL RAISE THE TORCH FOR THOSE WHO DIED? *

* I WILL BE WITH THEM

* IN THE SUMMER SUN AND THE WINTER SNOW *

* THEY WILL COME AND CLOUDS WILL GO *

* SHOW THAT WE ARE PROUD AGAIN

* THOUGH ALL WE LOST IN AUTUMN DAYS *

* CANNOT BE BORN AGAIN

* STAND HERE BY ME UNTIL THE WAYS *

* OF AGE AND YOUTH ARE ONE AND SAME *

* I WILL BE WITH THEM

* IN THE SUMMER SUN AND THE WINTER SNOW *

* THEY WILL COME AND CLOUDS WILL GO *

* AND SHOW THEM WE ARE PROUD AGAIN *

* I WILL BE WITH THEM

* IN THE SUMMER SUN AND THE WINTER SNOW *

* THEY WILL COME AND CLOUDS WILL GO *

* SHOW THEM WE ARE PROUD AGAIN

* ALONE AMONG THE HILLS AND STONE *

* THROUGH SUMMER SUN AND WINTER SNOW *

* THE EAGLE HE WAS LORD ABOVE *

* ROB WAS LORD BELOW