Revenge of the Nerds (1984) Script

(VEHICLE APPROACHES)

(BRAKES SQUEAL)

(HORN HONKS)

(KNOCKING)

Gilbert, you better get up. They're here.

I'm up. You Okay?

Yeah. You're sure?

Sure, I'm sure.

Mom, you remember the first time you left home?

Yes. And I was just as scared as you are.

I'm not scared, really.

I just don't like the idea of leaving you here all alone.

Oh, I'll be fine.

I was fine when you went away to computer camp.

Mom, that was just for two weeks. I can take care of myself.

I'm much more worried about you. I'm gonna be just fine.

Anyways, I'm not gonna be alone. I got Lewis.

(CHUCKLES) Gilbert?

Come on. Rise and shine.

Dad's waiting outside in the car. It's all packed.

Hi, Flo. Hi.

It's a beautiful day, isn't it? It's gonna be a great year.

Now, I figure with lunch and two A.R.V.'s we should be on the road approximately seven hours, eighteen minutes and seven seconds.

A.R.V.'s? Average restroom visits.

(LAUGHS) (LAUGHS)

Oh, I'm so proud of you two boys.

Come on, Gilbert. Let's go to college.

(LAUGHS)

(CHUCKLING)

God.

(POP SONG PLAYING)


Hey, Lewis, what time you got? I'm trying to work out our exact E.T.A.

I got 2:37. Dad, how fast are we going?

I've, uh, got the old cruise control set at 35.

(HORN HONKS)

(HORN BLARING)

Adams College. Home of the Atoms.

Gilbert, this is gonna be really neat.

Yeah? I sure hope so. What if it isn't, huh?

Don't be so negative. We're gonna have the time of our lives.

I'm not being negative. I'm just being nervous, okay?

Well, don't be, okay? 'Cause everything's gonna be great.

Just like high school, right? This is college.

Remember. There's 6,127 students at Adams, (CALCULATOR PRINTS)

58% of which are girls. So?

So that's 7,107.32 boobs. (ALL LAUGH)

Aw, you college guys are all alike. All you really care about is getting laid.

I wish I was goin' with you. (BOTH LAUGH)

(LAUGHS) Dad!

LEWIS: Wow. This campus is awesome.

It's a lot bigger than I expected.

Maybe we should've gone to City Tech. Come on. Tech's nothin'.

You know Adams has got the best computer department in the country.

Yeah, you're right. Adams is the best.

(TIRES SQUEAL)

MR. SKOLNICK: Well, boys, I mean men, here we are.

(SONG FADES OUT)

What an opportunity for you guys. (LAUGHS)

You're both gonna do great. I'm proud of you.

Your father would have been proud of you too, Gilbert.

Oh, I know Mr. Skolnick.

Don't tell my mother I was nervous, okay? I wouldn't want her to worry.

Of course not. Don't sweat it. Thanks.

(BIKE BELL RINGS)

Hey, Lewis. Come here. Sit down.

I envy you, Lewis. This is one of the finest institutions in the country.

You're gonna do fantastic here.

Try not to break too many hearts, huh, Lewis?

That hasn't been a real problem yet, Dad.

Aw, come on. You're gonna make some lucky girl very happy.

You're smart, easygoing.

Got your father's good looks.

(BOTH LAUGH)

And you got a great sense of humor.

Really believe in you, son.

Thanks, Dad. I won't let you down. I know.

Gilbert, help me with the trunk.

Uh, Gilbert... Yes, sir?

College isn't like high school.

You'll... You'll be on your own.

I want you to take care of yourself. I will.

Anyway, I won't be alone. I got Lewis.

Besides, we're college men now, right? Right!

(CHUCKLES) Ow.

Whoop! Here. Come here.

Easier gettin' it down. (GROANS)

(TRUNK SLAMS ON GROUND) Come on, guys.

This is an historic moment.

All right.

Say cheese! Cheese!

Got it. (BOTH CHUCKLE)

Bye, Dad. (CHUCKLES)

Bye. Thanks for the ride.

GIRL: Look at this! (LAUGHING) Ah.

(BIKE BELL RINGS)

Whoa. Look out.

You okay? Yeah.

Bye, Mr. Skolnick! Drive careful, Dad!

Wait a minute! Watch out!

(SCREAMS) (GRUNTS)

Sorry! Excuse us. (WHIMPERING)

MAN: At ease! At ease! At ease!

You know, Gilbert? I feel different already.

Like, uh, more mature.

Yeah. Looks like we're in for quite a change.

I'll say. Parties. Meeting new people. This is really gonna be great.

I don't know. Just relax. Be yourself.

Like Davy Crockett always said, be sure you're right, then go ahead.

Hey! (GRUNTING)

(CHANTING) Ogre! Ogre! Ogre! Ogre!

Anyway, college is a whole new ball game.

Nerds!

People judge you different than they did in high school.

Nerds! Ogre! Ogre! Ogre! Ogre!

Nerds! (CHANTING CONTINUES)

Nerds! Where are they?

I think they're talking about us. No way.

Nerds! (BOY SCREAMING)

(THUD)

(CHANTING) Nerds! Nerds! Nerds!

Come on, Lewis. Let's go.

Nerds! Nerds! Nerds! Nerds! Nerds! Nerds! Nerds!

(YELLING)

(ROCK SONG PLAYING)

Yeah.

(EXHALES)

(WHOOPING)

Ogre!

Fill 'er up, baby!

All right!

(LAUGHS)

(WHOOPING)

(YELLING)

Mmm, Stan.

Okay, everybody, listen up! It's time for stair diving!

(CHEERING)

(CHEERING)

(GRUNTING) Well, Gilbert, here's our new home.

Can't believe we finally made it.

(GRUNTS)

(PANTING)

Lewis, if you don't want the bed by the window, I'll take it.

You got it. Thanks.

Sure.

You know, this is really a great room.

Yup. Definite possibilities.

Do you think maybe they'd let us put in a little refrigerator for snacks and things?

Are you kidding, Gilbert? We can put a fridge and a microwave right there.

That'd be a good place for the entertainment center, too.

Great.

And that's just the beginning.

We're gonna have the best dorm room on campus.

I don't know about the best, Lewis. It'll certainly be the messiest.

Relax, Gilbert. Remember, we got it covered.

This robot will be better than a maid.

It'll help with the women too. Women?

Yeah. Let's say one of us is up here with a woman?

This'll be our early warning device, so we don't walk in on each other.

Wait a minute. We're allowed to have girls in our dorm room?

Not girls, Gil. Women.

We're college men now. Isn't college great?

It's gonna be a great year. (LAUGHS)

(BOTH LAUGH)

(ROCK SONG PLAYING)

Come on, Betty. Show me what you got.

Gable, check this out. What is it?

It is outrageous, man. What is it?

Just try it!

Oh! (LAUGHS)

Are you okay?

Jesus, Burke, what is this? 188 proof.

It's called a fireball, man. Watch.

Haystack, flame on, buddy. Flame on!

Oh, now what?

Whoo!

Yeah!

Can you do it again? Do it again!

(CHANTING QUIETLY) Fireball, fireball, fireball, fireball.

Fireball, fireball, fireball, fireball.

(CHEERING)

One more! One more!

(CHANTING) Fireball! Fireball! Fireball! Fireball!

ALL: Oh, shit!

(SINGING) Our house Our house is burning down.

Our house, our house Our house is burning down.

Must've been the electrical wiring.

That isn't what the fire department thinks, Stan.

Dean Ulich, if my boys say it was the wiring, I gotta believe them.

You know, Dean, this school ought to be more careful.

Dean, we got a big game coming up and I don't want my boys' minds worried about where they're gonna live.

Well, they should've thought of that before they burned their house down.

Well, what's done is done. Now, where am I gonna put my athletes?

How about the freshman dorm? What about the students living there now?

BRAD: All right.

Thanks to faulty wiring, we have no place to live, right?

Right! And these freshmen...

Freshmen are sitting pretty in there.

So as of now, that dorm is ours! Right? Yeah!

Any room you want! Ready? Break!

(SCREAMING, HOLLERING)

(SCREAMS)

Don't come back!

(SCREAMS)

There's your roommate, pal!

If everyone follows directions, we can manage this move with as little inconvenience as possible.

All right, men. I want everybody to listen up.

We're movin' out, and I mean now!

Move it! Move it! Move! Move! Move!

BOY: Hey, buddy! Here!

Get outta here! Yeah! Move your ass!

(WHISTLE BLOWS)

COACH: All right, men. Listen up!

I'm gonna see to it that each and every one of you is taken care of.

You will be provided with the best possible food, shelter and accommodations.

(LAUGHING)

We will try to provide you... Now, let's move it out! Move it! Move!

Move! Move! Move it! (ATHLETES JEERING)

COACH: Move it!

Get outta here!

(CHANTING) Nerds! Nerds! Nerds!

Nerds! Nerds! Nerds! Nerds! Nerds! Nerds! Nerds! Nerds!

(CHANTING CONTINUES)

ULICH: I know this move has probably been very sudden for all of you and you're probably all still very disoriented.

I do want to assure you that this move is in no way permanent. It's only temporary.

As you can see, we've provided accommodations for you that are... That are quite acceptable and I think it'll be a very nice place for you to enjoy your studies.

YOUNG BOY: But I don't even want to go to college!

Harold, you have a special gift. You need college to develop it.

I want to be with people my own age.

You will be with people your own age when you're older.

But you just can't drop me off in a gymnasium.

It's like we're refugees from a war!

We've got to go now, honey. Your dad has an appointment.

Bye, son.

(ULICH CONTINUES INDISTINCTLY)

It is, really very comfortable here.

Is there anyone here with allergies?

Me too. Uh, for those who do have allergies, um...

You can request a foam-rubber pillow.

Also, there's a television, uh, for your viewing pleasure.

It is a black-and-white television. More good news, because of the... Of the housing situation, we are allowing the freshman class to join and live in fraternities.

STUDENTS: All right!

The fraternities will select their new members tomorrow.

(WHISTLE BLOWS)

All right! Enough of this social bullshit. Grab a cot.

Move it or lose it!

Go, son.

Move!

Move! Move! Move! Move! Move!

(BASKETBALLS BOUNCING)

ULICH: The Delta Kappa Gamma fraternity has selected as its new members, Oliver Scott and Bill Daniels.

For those of you, who weren't selected by any fraternities, you won't be left out in the cold.

You can stay here in the gym for as long as you like.

Or at least until basketball season.

Please answer when I call out your names.

Poindexter, Arnold?

Latrelle, Lamar. Lamar Latrelle.

Wormser, Harold. Present.

Takashi, Toshiro. Here, sir.

Dawson, Dudley. Call me Booger.

All right, Booger.

Rakhim, Taj.

Excuse, please. But why do they call you Booger?

I don't know.

Posquito, Lawrence. (THUD)

Daniels, Paul.

I knew nobody'd pick us, Lewis.

Gilbert, it's probably not over yet. There's a fraternity for us.

(ATHLETES CLAMORING) ULICH: Dooley, Edward.

Wait a second, Lewis. Are you sure about this?

Gilbert, yes. Come on.

Hi, girls. Are you guys looking to join a sorority?

A sorority? (LAUGHS) No! Guy!

We really need some help.

We figured pretty girls like you might be able to suggest a fraternity.

Well, you know, boys, choosing the right fraternal organization can be one of the most important decisions in a man's life.

For sure.

Guys like you have to weigh your choices very carefully.

Definitely.

What frat do you think is us?

You guys are Alpha Betas all the way. Totally. For sure.

Wait. Aren't Alpha Betas, like, all jocks and face men?

Yes. But you guys have got that certain something I know they'd be interested in.

I'm gonna call them and tell them you're coming.

Should we ask for a particular Alpha Beta?

Stan Gable. And you're?

Betty Childs.

Thank you, Betty. Uh, Miss Childs.

Maybe if you're not busy sometime, we could have a cup of coffee or something.

Oh. Come on, pal.

GILBERT: I can't believe you asked her out.

You know, Gilbert, if we get in, maybe we can have our old room back.

These guys are never gonna accept us. Why wouldn't they?

These are the Alpha Betas! They're the football players.

Gilbert, I really don't think Miss Childs would have sent us over here if she didn't think we had a chance of getting in.

(KNOCKS)

(CREAKING)

Yes? Hi.

Tell Stan Gable that we're the guys that Betty Childs sent over.

Follow me, boys.

Gilbert.


(IN UNISON) Welcome.

Hi. Hi.

(WHISPERING) Hey.

You guys seem pretty cool. Take these for later.

Rubbers? What do we need rubbers for?

(SHEEP BLEATS)

BRAD: Let the initiation begin.

BRAD: (ECHOING) Have you ever made love to a woman?

Yes. No. No. Yes.

Liars!

(VIOLIN SQUEAKING)

WOMAN: (ON TV) All right, girls. Let's go for the burn.

Let's get skinny! And one! And two!

And three! And four!

And one! And two! And three!

Okay, Takashi, what do you got? Oh, I think I have a "frush."

What the fuck is a frush? A "frush."

Oh, see, I got two sevens, and two sevens beats a frush.

Oh, thank you.

One, two, three, four!

One, two, three, four! Come on, girls! Fat is your enemy!

Hold those arms out straight!

Oh. Jesus.

(VIOLIN SCRAPES)

Smile, girls! You're gonna be beautiful!

One! And two! And three! And four!

So, getting into a fraternity can be the most important thing in a man's life, huh?

You know, that cheerleader set us up, Lewis.

I really don't think Betty Childs is that kind of person, Gilbert.

Hey, Lewis. What is it, Gilbert?

I'm really sorry that I snapped at you.

This gym's really gettin' to me.

It's okay. I understand. Tomorrow morning, we'll find a better place to live, okay?

Good night, Gilbert. Good night, Lewis.

WORMSER: Good night, Lamar. LAMAR: Good night, Wormser.

POINDEXTER: Night, Takashi. TAKASHI: Good night, Poindexter.

Night, Booger. (BOOGER BELCHES)

(BOYS LAUGHING)

(TYPING)

(THUDDING)

Hey, take it easy.

The computer's your friend.

I wasn't meant to interface with a machine.

Well, you're just beginning. Relax.

It's no use.

It's inhuman. Oh, it's not inhuman.

Only humans can be inhuman.

Here. Lemme show you.

Working with a computer's great.

I mean, it's, uh, godlike in a way. (GIGGLES)

'Cause you can have complete control.

(BEEPING) (CHUCKLES)

That's good. Thanks.

You know, some people, they can create with their hands.

But when you're working with a computer, you gotta build something with your mind.

If you're good, you can do somethin' no one's ever seen before.

(BEEPING)

It's a definite high.

(CHUCKLES)

Uh, what's your name? Judy.

Hi, Judy. Gilbert.

Very nice to meet you. Nice meeting you.

Joe, what are you doing here? Hiya, boys.

(BASKETBALLS BOUNCING)

Hello, Lewis. Hi, Gilbert.

Did you find a house?

No. I met a girl.

Gilbert.

Her name's Judy. Judy's a nice name, Gilbert.

Yeah. She's a nice girl. Big deal. Did you get in her pants?

She's not that kind of a girl, Booger. Why? Does she have a penis?

You gonna eat this?

(WATER RUNNING)

Smell this one, nerd. Hey, Coach, Coach, I got to find a place to live. Is okay I leave early?

No.

Oh, okay.

You know karate? Oh, no.

Good.

LEWIS: Okay, I programmed him with all the rental units in the area.

To achieve optimum efficiency, I've assigned each of you a different part of the list.

This'll prevent doubling up, and we'll be able to blanket the area in no time.

Booger.

Wormser.

Toshiro.

(SPEAKING JAPANESE)

(SPEAKING JAPANESE)

Nerd.

Hi. Hi.

Mr. Wilson? Yeah.

Just checking.

WOMAN: Hi, there, big boy.

Hi. I came about the room for rent.

It's right next to mine. It'll be perfect for us.

(DOORBELL BUZZES)

Who's there?

I... What do you want?

Is this the Stewart residence? Why are you here?

I've come about the room. What do you want? Go... Go away!

I... I... Do you have a room to rent? Not for rent.

I thought it was for rent. Fuck off.

Hi, Judy. Hi, Gilbert!

How are you? I'm fine.

Good. Where you goin'?

I gotta go find a place to live.

Oh, that's horrible, you guys having to live in the gym.

Oh, yeah, well...

What is that? Is that yours? Oh, it's my accordion.

The... You play the accordion? Yeah!

You know, I love the accordion. Really?

Yeah. Are you very good, or...

No, not really. Oh.

I'm on my way to accordion class now. Wanna walk with me?

Yeah, sure. Oh, no. Here. Let me get it.

I think I found a house. (CHEERING)

BOOGER: About fucking time!

Isn't it fantastic?

(POP SONG PLAYING)


Welcome.

You feeling anything yet, Takashi? Booger, I feel nothing.

Well, you better have another hit.

Look at this counter. Could be good.

(COUGHS)

(SCREAMS)

Feeling anything now? Oh, no.

I feeling nothing at all.

How about now?


(POP SONG FADES)

I can't believe what they've done to that house.

That's amazing.

Looks terrific, doesn't it, Stan? STAN: Yeah.

Well, it won't look terrific for long.

What are you looking at, nerd? Huh?

I thought I was looking at my mother's old douche bag, but that's in Ohio.

Seven, and eight, and stretch those arms.

(TALKING IN RHYTHM) Come on, looks great. Come on, Wormser.

Count one. Keep it up. Two...

Good morning, Poindexter. (GRUNTS)

Good morning. Okay.

(GRUNTS) Excuse me.

Oh, thank you very much.

(BEEPS)

Okay, Takashi, show me your cards. Okay. Two and four kings.

That's good, yes? Oh. No. No, you got too many kings.

You gotta get rid of these. Oh.

I'll take three of these kings out, and we'll replace them with three fresh cards.

Oh. Okay. Thank you.

Okay, when do I deal?

BOOGER: You gotta win a hand first.

I told you we'd find a better place.

Yeah. This is way better than the dorm.

(GLASS SHATTERS)

(MOTORCYCLE SPEEDING AWAY)

It says, "Nerds, get out."

What is a nerd?

We are.

I don't know what this world is comin' to. See that man over there?

We arrested him for mopery.

What's mopery?

Mopery is exposing yourself to a blind person.

I'm sorry about your windows, fellas.

It's out of my jurisdiction. Sounds like a fraternity prank.

There's only one organization that can handle this.

What organization is that?

The Greek Council.

Our next order of business, new membership.

Earl, show the petitioners in, please.

GIRL: Oh, my God.

(SNICKERING)

(SHUSHING)

Kneel, gentlemen.

You are the gentlemen who wish to form a fraternity?

ALL: Yes, sir.

Well, gentlemen, as president of the Greek Council, I'm sorry to inform you that your membership has been denied.

Excuse me, but, uh, why?

Well, according to our charter, you must have a national fraternity as your sponsor.

Do you have one? ALL: No.

Well, I'm afraid he's right.

But all we have to do is get a national sponsor, and we're in, right?

Right, right. So I guess we'll see you in about, say, uh, 20 years.

(LAUGHING)

(VIOLIN SQUEAKING)

"Dear sirs, thank you for applying to Delta Kappa Gamma."

"We've gone over your application, and it wasn't even close."

"In the future, we recommend that you not include a group photo."

That's 29 rejections so far.

Did we send pictures to everybody?

Yeah, everybody except for, uh, Lambda Lambda Lambda.

Here's one that will see us!

IN UNISON: Lambda Lambda Lambda?

Yeah. They're gonna love us.

As you know, we have no chapter at Adams College, which is why we agreed to see you.

But I must tell you, gentlemen, you have very little chance of becoming Tri-Lambs.

I'm in a difficult situation here.

I mean, after all, you're nerds.

According to your by-laws, you have to take us on a 60-day trial basis.

I beg your pardon? According to your by-law...

He's right, U.N.

Any group that petitions can become a probationary Tri-Lamb chapter.

May I see that, please?

(SIGHS) Thank you.

Well, gentlemen, you are now probationary Tri-Lambs.

(MURMURING) Hey, great, U.N.

Why don't we have a party? You can come down and celebrate with us and observe us to make sure we're Tri-Lamb material, okay?

Great.

We won't let you down either.

I bet we'll have the highest grade point average of any chapter you've got.

And we certainly won't discriminate.

I mean, our chapter will be open to people of all races and creeds.

And sexual orientation.

Wonderful.

(GIRLS LAUGHING) (DOORBELL RINGS)

Hi. Remember me? No.

Well, we're having a party Saturday night. Would you like to come?

No. Oh. Well...

Come on! Get it up! Get it up! Come on! You're shit!

You're nothin'! You're scum! You suck!

You're nice! No, I'm not! (GRUNTS)

That a way, Og. Stan. Hi.

What's up, Betty? Somethin' wrong? Yeah.

What? One of those nerds just asked me out.

(CHUCKLES) Which one?

I don't know. They all look alike to me. Yeah.

They're trying to throw a party, and they can't get any dates.

Yeah? (GROWLS) I'll eat their ancestors!

I'll kill their parents! I'll kill... No, Ogre! Ogre!

Don't worry about it. Wait a second. Just wait a second.

Maybe we could help them out. Yeah?

Yeah. And I know just what to do.

Come here.

We'll put the bar over here, and the hors d'oeuvres over there.

And we'll pass the rumaki and the cheese puffs.

That sounds expensive. Arnold, this party's important.

If we don't impress the Tri-Lambs, we'll never get in.

Maybe we can have "robster craws."

What the fuck are robster craws?

Have any of you guys got dates besides Gilbert?

I do. Yeah, but that's with a guy.

What about you, Booger?

I been out combin' the high schools all day.

Maybe we should cancel the party.

No, we can't cancel the party. U.N. Jefferson's coming. We got to impress him.

We'll never find dates.

(SINGING) Hello, Lambda We're the Pi's.

And we're here to say.

We think you are special guys.

Lambdas all the way.

Alpha Betas are okay.

If you like sweat socks.

We prefer your high I.Q.'s.

To their great big jocks.

Lambda Lambda Lambda boys.

Really are the best.

Won't you take a piece of Pi.

And we'll do the rest.

The sisters of Pi welcome our newest fraternity, Lambda Lambda Lambda.

We'd like to be escorts to your party Saturday night and help out in any way possible.

(HUMMING)

We got dates! I never been out with a girl before.

Not just a girl, Poindexter, but a Pi.

What's Pi stand for? Hair pie.

What's that?

Oh.

(POP SONG PLAYING)

Lewis, where are the Pi's? I don't know.

Their phone's been busy for two hours.

I don't think U.N.'s having a very good time.

Must be the music. I'll put on something he'll like better.

Lewis. U.N.?

(RECORD SCRATCHES)

Great party. Thanks.

Where are those good-lookin' sorority girls you're supposed to have dates with?

You know women. They're probably just being fashionably late.

(PIANO MUSIC PLAYING)

(SINGING) Swing low, sweet chariot

(RECORD SCRATCHES)

I don't think the Pi's are gonna show. They stood us up, huh?

Yeah. I could call my sorority sisters.

You could? You think they'll come right over?

They're really spontaneous people. I'll call 'em.

(POP SONG RESUMES) Crush this ice for me, will you?

(LAUGHS) Hey, guys, we got dates. Who?

Judy's gonna invite the Omega Mu's over. Oh, no. Not the Mu's!

Yeah. They're a bunch of pigs.

(SCREAMING) (BLENDER GRINDING)

(DOORBELL RINGS)

(POP SONG ENDS)

Hi. Hi.

Hi there. Hi there.

Hi. Hi.

(ROCK SONG PLAYING)


(VIOLIN SQUEAKING)

JUDY: You can all sing along. The words are really easy.

So I say I gotta be free. So I say I got... I gotta be me.

(SINGING) So I say I gotta be free. Free.

So I say I gotta be me. Me.

I'm saying...

I'm saying you gotta be...

GILBERT: This party isn't going very well, is it?

I don't know why everybody's so uptight.

Me either. Maybe we should eat.

Maybe we should watch TV.

Hey, guys.

Wonder joints.

(POP SONG PLAYING)

(CHATTERING, HOOTING)

They taste better than they look.

Oh, goody!

Oh, smile pretty, chickies.

Oh, thank you very much. Thank you, thank you.

Hair pie. Hair pie.

(BUBBLING)

(LAUGHING)

Nothing. Nothing.

Ah! (GIGGLES)

(LAUGHING HYSTERICALLY)

And I have a micon data link which hooks this phone to the computer in the robot.

Hey, this is some good shit.

Hair pie? Thank you.

Oh, hair pie?

You built this yourself? Yeah.

I think robots are sexy. (LAUGHS)

I do too, really.

Do you wanna dance? Okay.

(POP SONG CONTINUES)


Damn! You Mu's sure can party!

Come on. Let's go. Where?

Up to your room. You wanna go up to my room?

Yeah.

(SONG FADES)

Are you nearsighted or farsighted? Nearsighted.

So am I. Really?

Yeah. You wanna switch glasses?

Gilbert, we almost have the same prescription.

Yeah. Listen, um, would you like to dance?

Yeah.

Yeah, well, uh, when I was in high school, I was thinking mostly of the, uh, aerospace field.

But when I got into college, I decided that I wanted something a little more challenging.

So, um, I switched to computers.

And, uh, now aerodynamics is just sort of a hobby.

(BALLAD PLAYING)

Wait, wait. No, no, wait.

Would you rather live in the ascendancy of a civilization or during its decline?

Poindexter, do you wanna fuck or not?

(GROWLS) (SCREAMS)


You know, if, uh, we get into Lambda Lambda Lambda we could be your partners in the homecoming carnival.

I know. That'd be so great.

Yeah. This party sure worked out well.

(SNORTING)

(SCREAMING)

Get 'em out of here!

(SCREAMING CONTINUES)

(SQUEALING)

(SINGING) Old MacDonald had a farm E-I-E-I-O.

And on that farm he had some pigs. E-I-E-I-O.

We thought you could use some more pigs for your party, nerds.

With an oink, oink here and an oink, oink there.

Here an oink, there an oink Everywhere an oink, oink.

Old MacDonald had a farm E-I-E-I-O.

Fuck you! Fucking-A!

Fuck you!

We'll never get into Lambda Lambda Lambda now.

Yeah, those jocks ruined everything.

I say we blow their fucking houses up.

No, we can't resort to violence.

That'll just bring us down to their level.

What do we do? We got to beat 'em at their own game.

We've got to become the best fraternity on campus.

You know, if we win that homecoming carnival, we can take over the presidency of the Greek Council.

That would drive 'em crazy.

But, Gilbert, if we don't get approved by the Tri-Lambs, we won't even be a fraternity.

I say we blow the fuckers up. No, we can't do that.

But you're right. Their action tonight demands an immediate retaliation.

And if we don't, we're nothing but the nerds they say we are.

I know what we're gonna do.

LEWIS: (WHISPERING) Down! Down! Down!

Come on!


(GRUNTS)

(SINGING) E-I-E-I-O.

With an oink, oink here And an oink, oink there.

Here an oink Everywhere an oink, oink

(WHISPERING) Where? Right there.

Isn't this gonna make a lot of noise? It's got a built-in silencer.

(QUIET BUZZING)

Camera. The periscope.

Hey, Suzy. Hi, Betty.

God, that was fun tonight.

We were the highlight of their party. I know.

God, those pigs sure were greasy, too. I have to get the smell off.

Oh, I know. (GROANS)

Listen, if Stan calls, tell him I'll call him back, okay?

Okay.

(GASPS) Panty raid!

(SCREAMS) (LAUGHING)

It's a panty raid!

Panty raid!

(BOTH SCREAM) Hey!

What are you... What are you doing?

Give me those back! Come here! Hey!

Wormser, how many cameras do we have left?

Four. Okay.

(SCREAMING CONTINUES)

Step aside, mama. I wanna see some of that muff.

Hair pie. Hair pie!

(GROWLING)

That nerd saw me naked! Oh! Get out!

Out! Out! Out! Get out!

Hiya, buddy. Hi!

Isn't college great? This is going to be a great year.

(LAUGHING)

(GIRLS SCREAMING)

Get out of here!

Hair pie! Hair pie!

BETTY: Stan's gonna kill you!

Get out! Jerks!

(SCREAMS) Ooh!

We love you when you're mad!

(EXASPERATED SIGH)

Almost there, Wormser? This should do it.

Oh.

Ah. Good.

That looks good, Lamar.

This is a stationary camera.

We've got Pi's. WORMSER: Mmm.

GILBERT: You got other angles, Lamar?

Go to their room. BOOGER: Yeah, go in their room.

POINDEXTER: Yeah. Perfect. Good. (POINTING)

GILBERT: Arnold, that's her. Go to the right.

Arnold, that's the girl we saw.

LEWIS: Go up. Go up. Go up. LAMAR: Up?

LEWIS: Wait a second. Hold it right there, Lamar.

Don't move the camera.

(ALL EXCLAIMING)

Yeah!

TAKASHI: Oh, no.

I drink to that.

BOOGER: Yes. I like that nightie.

TAKASHI: That's very good. LEWIS: Can you go in that room?

Okay. (BEEPING)

(GIGGLING) (CHUCKLING)

TAKASHI: Here she comes.

God, take your towel off, please.

Come on. Remove it. There's somethin' comin' up.

Yes! Is it cold in there or what?

(LAUGHS)

GILBERT: Nature's thermometers.

(LAUGHING)

LEWIS: Focus! Focus it, Lamar. TAKASHI: Focus!

LAMAR: Just kidding.

This is bullshit. I want bush. Pan down.

(WHIRRING)

(WHISTLING, EXCLAIMING)

We've got bush. We've got bush!

Hair pie!

(LAUGHING)

(SCREAMS)

(ROOSTER CROWS)

(SNORING)

LEWIS: I'm tired of watching 'em brush their teeth.

See if Betty's up. Dooley, throw me a beer.

Thanks.

Oh, I getting tired of Betty.

Are you kidding? Zoom in.

I could never get tired of Betty.

How could you ever get tired of that ass, Takashi?

Oh, I see your point.

Are you guys still watching the Pi's?

ALL: Yes. Have you been up all night?

ALL: Yes.

Wormser, haven't you had enough? No.

LEWIS: Well, I think we got even with the Pi's.

Now we got a little score to settle with the Alpha Betas.

(LAUGHS)

Shit, Hank, What is that stuff?

Liquid heat. It burns.

You oughta feel it when I don't mix it with water. (CHUCKLES)

Get them!

Make pile here.

Hurry.

Okay. Here goes.

(GROANS)

BOOGER: Go for it.

Okay, don't... Don't touch now.

Okay. Okay. Here. Hit this one.

Looks like salad.

The key to each season is homecoming.

You win that one, you got your alumni support.

You got your alumni support, you got that jock dorm, you get the laundry money, you get the new cars.

Now, this season started out fine. We won some big ball games!

But we were lucky.

We can't get soft.

We can't sit back on our laurels.

We win homecoming, we take league.

We take league, we get a bowl bid.

It's as simple as that. (ALL GROANING)

But, gentlemen, you have got to want it.

Do you want it?

ALL: Yeah! I can't hear you!

ALL: Yeah! (SHRIEKS) Yes!

We can't let up! We gotta stay tough.

(GROANING INTENSIFIES)

You can do it! You can do it!

You can do it! God!

You gotta believe that you can do it!

(SCREAMING)

You gotta let them know that you want it! I want it!

Good! (GROANS)

Shower up! Oh, God.

Shit, we forgot to practice.

You put what?

LEWIS: Liquid heat.

On their what? In their jocks.

That's outrageous. Are you angry, U.N.?

(LAUGHS) No! I'm not angry.

I'm glad to see you... You guys finally fought back.

I think you'll make a fine addition to Tri Lambda, and I wanna welcome you aboard.

Congratulations. All right!

You'll tell the guys? I will! (LAUGHING)

(CHUCKLES)

Okay, everybody ready?

Okay, I focus now. I set timer.

Now say, "Hi, U.N."

Hi, U.N.!

(SHUTTER CLICKS)

Well, I'd like to propose a toast to U.N. Jefferson, who, in his ultimate wisdom, chose to accept us into our new fraternity, Lambda Lambda Lambda.

ALL: Lambda Lambda Lambda!

Before we take this matter to a vote, I would like it clearly stated in the record, Miss Childs, that the evidence is overwhelmingly against the Alpha Betas and I urge that they be found guilty.

Point of order.

Dean Ulich, I am an Alpha Beta, and I know that no member of my fraternity could have perpetrated such a callous, heinous act against the nerds or the Tri-Lambs.

Therefore, I feel a vote at this time would be, shall we say, premature.

Premature? Yes.

You see, instead, I am going to organize a special, blue-ribbon fact-finding commission made up of myself and, uh, Miss Betty Childs and we will get to the bottom of this dastardly deed.

You can't get away with this. Oh, no, I'm afraid I can.

You see, only the President of the Greek Council can call a vote.

That's completely unfair! This is bullshit!

Meeting adjourned.

(BURKE LAUGHS)

Guys, we are never gonna get a fair shake as long as Stan Gable is president.

But the only way to become president is to win the homecoming carnival.

That's right, Arnold.

And that's exactly what we're gonna do. Yeah!

(PLAYING FAN FARE)

I take great pleasure in officially opening this year's homecoming carnival!

(FANFARE CONTINUES)

ULICH: The overall winner will be determined by total points from, number one, field events, number two, the charity fund-raising booth and number three, the musical show and skit competition.

And now, let the games begin!

(FANFARE CONTINUES)

(CHEERING)

(FEEDBACK)

Okay, the object of the race is to complete 20 laps around the track, while stopping every lap for a mandatory pit stop at which time the driver will chug a beer.

You don't have a fucking chance, nerd.

Thank you. Good luck to you, too, Burke. Fuck off.

Gentlemen, start your engines.

(GUNSHOT)

(CHEERING, YELLING)

Come on! (GRUNTS)

This is trichloromethaline. It counters all effects of alcohol in your system.

Drink the whole beer. Go, go, go! Come on, Danny!

Come on, buddy! Kick his ass! Go, go, go, go!

Go, go, go, go! Go, go, go, go!

Okay, okay, come on! You feeling okay?

Oh, fucking great! Go, go, go!

Come on, baby! Yeah!

Come on, guy! Only one more lap to go.

Just you and the Alpha Betas.

You let that nerd beat you, and you're nothing! Understand?

He no stand no chance now! Go, Takashi!

Come on! Let's go, Burke! Here we go! Oh, no!

All right! Come on, Takashi! Go!

Aw, man, he's wasted!

(BICYCLE BUILT FOR TWO PLAYING)

Come on, Burke! You're an Alpha Beta!

Fuck!

Shit! I won! I won!

Times are changin', Betty. These nerds are a threat to our way of life.

If they win homecoming, they're gonna take over the Greek Council.

And we'll be up to our necks in nerd shit.

ULICH: Our next competition will be the Trojan Horse.

(CHEERING) (GROANING)

Come on! Come on! Get off!

Get off!

(GROANS) Yeah!

(MOUTHING) What is Alpha Beta doing?

(LAUGHING)

All right! (CHEERING)

(CHEERING)


(CHANTING) Ogre! Ogre! Ogre! Ogre!

Ogre! Ogre! Ogre! Ogre! (GROANING)

Ogre! Ogre! Ogre! Ogre! Ogre! Ogre!

Ogre! Ogre! Ogre! Ogre!

Ogre! Ogre! Ogre! Ogre! Ogre! Ogre!

(GROANS)

(CHEERING)

(COUGHING)

Ooh! Aah! Alpha Beta! On your mark! Set!

Ooh! Aah! Alpha Beta! (WHISTLE BLOWS)

(CHEERING)

(CHUCKLING)

Ooh! Aah! Alpha Beta!

Ooh! Aah! Alpha Beta! COACH: On your mark!

Set! (BLOWS WHISTLE) Ooh! Aah! Alpha Beta!

(CHEERLEADERS SCREAMING)

You win!

(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)

(CHUCKLING)

Frankly, I'm not too wild about this next event, but it has become a tradition here at Adams, the belching contest.

(CHEERING)

Our first of two finalists, Frederick W. Polowosky.

(WHISPERING)

"Ogre, you asshole." (CROWD MURMURING)

Ogre.

(LOUD BURP)

(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)

(GASPING, MURMURING)

And from the Lambda-Mu team, Dudley Dawson.

Booger. Booger.

(VERY LOUD BURP)

(LOUD CHEERING)

Our next event is one that goes all the way back to the Peloponnesian War, the javelin throw.

(YELLS)

Yeah!

All right, baby! What'd you expect?

GILBERT: Wait till you see Lamar's throw. JUDY: How come?

Wormser's a master at aerodynamics and he designed the javelin to go along with Lamar's limp-wristed throwing style.


Wormser! It worked! (CHEERING, APPLAUSE)

I can't believe it! Did you see that?

I love you all! I love you all! Thank you!

Thank you!

ULICH: (ON P.A.) The Alpha Beta-Pi team leads.

The Lambda-Mus are a surprising second.

Now let's see what happens at the charity fund-raising booths.

Eat a pie for charity! Come on! Let's go!

Buy a pie for charity! Thank you.

Take a break, Chip.

Hi.

Hi, Betty. A nerd.

I'm not kissing a nerd. You have to.

I paid my money.

(CHUCKLES) It's time for my break.

Kiss this, nerd.

BETTY: Stan! Yeah?

I wanna do it. All this kissing's made me horny.

God, Betty, you're like a goat.

(HUFFS)

Next.


Stan!

You changed your mind.

I'm glad. Come on.

Hey, you.

You wanna do it on the moon?

Take off your mask.

Oh, Stan.

You're so kinky.

BOOGER: Eat a pie for charity. Step right up.

Come on. Step up.

Eat a pie for charity. Thank you very much. Eat a pie for charity!

Gable, how we doin'?

Great, 1,258 bucks. Better than last year. The nerds are over 2,000.

Yep. For selling pies?

They've got a line around the corner. Guys are buying two, three pies apiece.

There's something fishy about these pies. Let's go check it out.

TAKASHI: Okay, hold on for a second.

Thank you. BOOGER: Pies for charity.

Pies for charity. GABLE: This can't be!

Ogre, go get a pie. Find out what the hell's going on here.

Thanks, wimp. Get yourself one.

Well, how is it? Good.

Is it good, or is it great? It's good.

Just good? Then what the hell are they selling so many of them for?

Here's why. Uh-oh.

That's my Pi.

Oh, Stan.

That was wonderful.

You did things to me you've never done before.

(GASPS)

You're that nerd!

Yeah.

God, you were wonderful.

Thanks.

(GIGGLES) Are all nerds as good as you?

Yes. How come?

'Cause all jocks think about is sports.

All we ever think about is sex.

What's your name? Lewis.

Lewis, would you meet me after the pep rally tonight?

Sure.

ULICH: It's all tied up, which means the musical show and skit competition will decide the winner.

So, let the music begin!

(SINGING) Row, row, row your boat gently down the stream.

Merrily, merrily Merrily, merrily.

Life is but a dream

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING, APPLAUDING)

What'd the Pink Panther say when he stepped on an ant?

What did the Pink Panther say? Dead ant. Dead ant.

Dead-ant, dead-ant dead-ant. (BOOING)

What is the dirtiest thing ever said on television?

The dirtiest thing ever said on television. I don't know.

"Ward, I think you were a little hard on the Beaver last night."

(GROANING)

(SINGING) Gable, Gable, he's our man! If he can't do it, Burke can!

Burke, Burke, he's our man! If he can't do it, Ogre can!

Give me an "A"! Give me a "D"!

Give me an "A"! Give me an "M"!

Give me an "S"! What's it spell?

Adams!

(CHEERING)

(GIRLS SINGING)


(LOUD CHEERING)

(WHISTLING)

Whoa! (GASPING)

Look at that! Look at that!

(ELECTRONIC ROCK MUSIC PLAYING)


(CHEERING)


Break!


(CHEERING WILDLY)


I'd like to present the trophy to this year's champions...

Lambda Lambda Lambda and Omega Mu!

They will be able to select the president of next year's Greek Council.

No!

I'd like to announce that we've made our selection already.

It's Gilbert Lowe!

This sucks. I gotta get rid of some of this anger.

Come on, Betty. Let's go pump some iron. No, Stan. I don't think so.

What do you mean? Let's go. Why not?

I've got a date with a Tri-Lamb.

(LAUGHS) A Tri-Lamb.

Here's your pin.

Take it.

Wait. Betty. Come on.

God! I'm in love with a nerd! (CHUCKLING)

Gable. Yeah, Coach?

I wanna see you and the other girls in the locker room now!

Yes, sir.

(COACH CLEARS THROAT)

When you were a baby in your crib, your father looked down at you, he had but one hope, someday my son will grow to be a man.

Well, look at you now.

You just got your asses whipped by a bunch of goddamn nerds.

Nerds!

If I was you, I'd do somethin' about it.

I would get up and redeem myself in the eyes of my father, my maker and my coach!

Well, let's get those nerds! Nerds!

Nerds! What are we waitin' for?

(ALL YELLING)

IN UNISON: We're Lambda Lambda Lambda and.

Omega Mu! (LEWIS LAUGHING)

(CHANTING) Nerds! Nerds! Nerds! Nerds!

(ALL YELLING)

Come on! Come on! (GLASS SHATTERING)


I'm a nerd.

Welcome to the real world.

I never really wanted to believe that.

It's okay. It's not okay.

We're nothing. We let them destroy our house.

Lewis, we're gonna control the Greek Council next year.

Big deal!

You'll be dead by then, Gilbert.

Nobody cares. Don't you understand that? The university doesn't care.

There's nothing we can do about it.

I think we got something good going, and I'm not gonna let 'em take it away from us.

Gilbert, don't be a fool.

You'll just get yourself hurt again.

Big deal. Gilbert.

(CHEERING) (MARCHING BAND PLAYING)

I'd like to introduce to you the men that are gonna bring you a homecoming victory against State tomorrow.

At defensive back, number 38, Kevin O'Leary.

Offensive guard, number 64, Rich Valeroy.

At center, number 53, Harry Reagan!

Look who's comin'.

Hey! Where you goin', nerd? Just leave me alone.

You guys went way too far this time, and you're not getting away with it.

Oh, is that right? Yeah.

Well, let's see if shit floats. What do you think of that idea?

Put me down. Goddamn... Put me down!

Bombs away!

And now, our tri-captains.

Leading the conference in reception, at wide receiver, number 84, Danny Burke!

Our defensive captain, number 79, Fred Polowosky!

Ogre! The Ogre!

(ROARS)

Now, our two-time all-American quarterback, number 10, Stan Gable!

Yeah!

Hold it, son! Hold it! Hold it! Come on!

Leave him alone. Coach, I said leave him alone.

What did you say? You heard me.

I'll break his goddamn neck! You will do nothing of the sort.

Don't you touch that boy.

(GRUNTING)

Says who?

Says me, you asshole.

Hold it, Coach!

You just hold it right there.


Okay, kid.

Say what you got to say.

Thanks.

Uh... (PANTING)

I just wanted to... To say that... That I'm a nerd.

And I'm here tonight to stand up for the rights of other nerds.

I mean, uh, all our lives we've been laughed at and made to feel inferior.

And tonight, those bastards, they trashed our house.

Why? Because we're smart?

'Cause we look different?

Well, we're not.

I'm a nerd, and, uh, I'm pretty proud of it.

Hi, Gilbert. Hi.

I'm a nerd, too.

I just found that out tonight.

We have news for the beautiful people.

There's a lot more of us than there are of you.

I know there's alumni here tonight.

When you went to Adams you might have been called a spaz or a dork or a geek.

Any of you that have ever felt stepped on, left out, picked on, put down, whether you think you're a nerd or not, just come down and join us.

Come on.

(ROCK SONG PLAYING)

Hi, Betty. Hi.

Just join us, 'cause... Hi.

No one's gonna be free until nerd persecution ends.

(SIGHS)

Hi, guys.


You know, Coach. I think I'm gonna let these boys live over at the Alpha Beta house while you and your boys rebuild theirs.

And where the hell are we gonna live? Yeah. What about us, huh?

You're jocks. Go live in the gym.

(CHANTING) Nerds! Nerds! Nerds!

Nerds! Nerds! Nerds! Nerds!

Nerds! Nerds! Nerds! Nerds! Nerds! Nerds! Nerds! Nerds!

(ALL CHEERING)

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