Revenge of the Nerds IV: Nerds in Love (1994) Script

MAN (narrating): In the beginning, God created the universe,

the heavens... and the Earth.

Then God created the first nerd.

♪♪

(chattering)

I'm going to take note on your champagne glasses.

Check the silver service and make sure that it's properly polished.

Eugene, take this to the kitchen. Make sure the steam tables have arrived.

Check on the tablecloths and make sure they're the right color.

(continues chattering)

Oh, boy. Oh, boy, I don't know.

Aaron, relax. You're driving us all crazy.

This better be a great wedding.

Every political heavyweight from the party is gonna be there checking me out.

Jeanie's wedding is going to be wonderful. Fix your ascot.

How come we never met this guy that Jeanie's marrying?

-What's his name again? -Dudley Dawson.

-Yeah. -Hey, I wonder if he's from the Schenectady Dawsons.

They're a very powerful family back east.

(snaps fingers) I went to school with Cap Dawson.

-Talk about your blue bloods. -Isn't it just a little bit strange that Jeanie never brought, uh, what's-his-butt over here before?

(scoffs) His name is Dudley. They only met three months ago.

I know I'd be a shoo-in with the people if I could just get those old-money blue bloods to endorse my candidacy.

And they'd be damn fools not to, Dad, irregardless of the fact that you are nouveau riche.

Don't you ever use that phrase in this house!

I am not nouveau riche. I am a self-made businessman.

And I'm not your dad. I'm your father-in-law. Get it?

Right. Self-made businessman. Father-in law. I-I got it.

Can we please stop talking about the campaign for a minute?

Focus on Jeanie's wedding. That's what's important here.

Gaylord's right, as usual.

-WOMAN: Hi, everybody. -Jeanie!

-You look wonderful. -Thank you.

I love that outfit.

You do?

-So, you excited? -Oh, yeah. (laughs)

Where'd you meet... Dudley?

Well, at a ham and lima bean cookout.

It was an Omega Mu sorority fund-raiser.

Oh, ho, ho, sure, sure. The... the Schenectady Dawsons are very big with sororities and fund-raisers and cookouts.

(doorbell ringing)

All your questions will be answered in a moment.

-(knocking) -Oh!

-Booger? -Why'd she call him Booger?

-Baby! -Oh!

Oh, honey.

Oh... buns.

-Give me buns! -(shrieks)

-May I have them, please? -Stop it!

-Give me buns! -Shh! No! Shh!

Moo! Moo!

My family is waiting to meet you.

(groans)

(gasps) Mommy!

Tippy! Tippy!

-What happened? -Mommy fainted.

Gosh, are you all right, Mrs. Humphrey?

Yeah, I--

She'll be fine. Can I ask you a question?

Are you from the Schenectady Dawsons, railroad money?

-Hmm? -Uh, no.

The Detroit Dawsons. Sewing machine rental money.

-There's gonna be an egg. Where's the kitchen? -Oh, to the left!

-Are you all right, Mommy? -Yes, yes, I'm fine.

I don't know what came over me. Oh!

Sewing machine rental money?

My God, he's a nerd!

(all gasp)

A nerd? How can you tell?

There were a lot of nerds at USC.

I can smell a nerd a mile away.

Well, I've heard nerds make wonderful husbands.

And they're smart too.

She's obviously getting even with us for something.

-Beef! We need beef! -In there!

That was kind of a rocky start with your family.

Oh, everything's fine. My mom's great.

I'm sure she's just overwhelmed from all the excitement.

-Well then, you don't think it's because they don't like me? -Booger, I love you.

Well, yeah, I know you-- I got it! I know you do.

But I was just afraid maybe your "mishpukin'" was thinking you were "mistookin'."

They're gonna love you too, Booger. I know they will.

-(exhales) -Oh!

Here you go, Mrs. Humphrey. Put this on the--Hey!

-Oh! -(gasps)

BOOGER: Don't move. Don't move. Excuse me. That was clumsy.

-Ahh... -There we go. I've got it.

Can I speak to you a second, Jeanie?

Sure.

Thank you, dear.

It stops the swelling.

Are you pregnant?

Pregnant? No!

You mean, you don't have to marry him?

Daddy!

I would like you to come with me to a cult deprogrammer.

J-J-J-Just show up there and be open. That's all I ask.

I just can't believe you're saying this.

(whimpers)

Wh-wh-where are you going?

This is good stuff I'm telling you.

(sobbing) I love Booger!

And I'm gonna marry him no matter what you think! (sobbing)

Jeanie?

-Sweetheart, you're overreacting. -(door slams)

-What did you say to her? -Nothing.

Nothing. We just had a little conversation, that's all.

Ahh... Can't we all just get along?

She comes home with a guy who looks like he came out of a vending machine, -and I'm the one who's wrong. -TIPPY: Jeanie. Jeanie.

What a world.

Hey!

Hi. I'm Jeanie's sister, Gaylord.

And this is my husband, Chip. Chip Medford.

Great idea. Having the wedding on Valentine's Day. (laughs)

Are you sure your best man knows where we are located?

Oh, he'll find it all right.

As a matter of fact, he will be here in exactly seven seconds.

Five, four, three, two, one.

Right on the button. Lewis!

Booger!

Pull in here!

(honks horn)

(hydraulics brakes hissing)

(both laughing)

-Oh, Booger's wedding. -Yeah!

-(singsong) ♪ Booger's gettin' married ♪ -Oh, come on. Stop it!

Hey, what do you think of the truck?

Well... well, I would expect nothing else from the king of the nerds.

-It's got everything. -Where's Betty?

Oh, follow me.

Would you like to see my unborn fetal son?

-Yeah. -This is a state-of-the-art, remote-activated, microwave-transmitted, bilingual, five DB-gain, semi-duplex fetal monitor.

I can check on the development, the vital signs of my unborn fetal son from anywhere in the universe.

(laughs) Look.

There's his tinkler.

Just like the old man, huh?

(both guffawing)

-Booger! -Betty!

-What is this? -An Airbus A300 WhisperJet could land right on our truck, and Betty and our unborn fetal son wouldn't even be hurt.

-Lewis? -Hmm?

Could you let me out of here?

-Oh, sure, Betty. -Here. Let me give you a hand.

-Thank you. -(hisses)

(all laughing)

Hey, so, Booger, how are things going with the in-laws?

Well, things were going okay, until my mother-in-law passed out and cracked her head on the coffee table.

BOTH: Oh.

And I don't think my father-in-law likes me at all.

BOTH: Oh.

He's one of those pretentious, hoity-toity, nouveau riche types.

-He may be anti-nerd. -(both gasp)

Oh, no.

Why does this always have to poke its ugly head out?

Indeed. We need to nip this in the bud.

Booger, I want you to know I take my job as best man very seriously.

And I will take care of everything, including Jeanie's old man.

Never fear, Skolnick's here.

-I love you, you big galoot. -(laughs)

(laughs) I feel better already.

-(horn honks) -Hey, here comes the gang.

♪ Take one down pass it around ♪ -Hey, guys!

♪ No bottles of beer on the wall ♪

(whooping, chattering)

-Lamar! -Party, party, party!

Booger!

(laughing)

-(camera shutter clicks) -Nerds are here!

-Takashi! -Booger!

-Lewis! Hi, Lewis. -Takash, how are you? Good to see you.

Oh, Betty! Oh, ho, ho! Betty so big.

-(laughs) -Oh, look at you!

-Oh, Judy! -Uncle Lewis!

-Harold! Good trip? -Ah, ho, it was great.

You know, the bus driver said we were the first group ever to make it all the way through "A Hundred Bottles of Beer on the Wall?"

-(laughing) -BOOGER: Yes! Hey!

It's been delightful motoring with you.

Trevor, how was the trip?

I only got carsick twice.

Oh, ho, ho, ho! I'm proud of you, laddie.

(both speaking Spanish)

I am--I am just so thrilled you all showed up.

-BOTH: Stan! -Hi, guys.

-Stan! (laughs) -Booger!

-Great to see you. -You too.

Oh, Betty, you're gonna make such a pretty mom.

Stan, you are such a nerd.

Yeah, I sure am. I'm selling software up in Silicon Valley.

-Ah, that's fantastic. -Yeah, I've never been happier in my whole life.

(both guffawing)

(chanting)

Nerds! Nerds! Nerds! Nerds! Nerds!

-Nerds! Nerds! Nerds! Nerds! -(moans)

Nerds! Nerds! Nerds! Nerds! Nerds! Nerds!

Nerds! Nerds...Nerds.

Hey, it looks like you're breaking out.

What are you talking about? I've always had a perfect complexion.

I think you've got the chicken pox.

Easy on the sauce, Aaron.

You don't think I'm gonna go through this sober?

Come on. Relax. It's not as bad as all that.

What is this dog hair doing here? We don't have a dog.

ROMEO: Excuse me.

Uh, do you prefer the salad forks to be chilled, or the salad plates or both?

-Well, I-- -Figure it out.

-Aaron! -Oh, I never.

I cannot work in a vacuum. I need input. I need feedback.

-Romeo! Romeo! -(mumbling)

This is so unfair.

No one told me that I would be catering a wedding for a bunch of nerds.

Romeo, don't leave, please. Please, no, no!

-MAN: Eugene! Eugene! -(horn honks)

(mouthing words)

Well, it looks as though the happy event is about to begin.

I worked hard my whole life.

I started out at 13 selling cheap porcelain knickknacks door-to-door.

You know how hard that is?

After she marries that nose-picking "jibony,"

I can kiss my political career good-bye.

-Yeah. -Yeah.

And you can kiss taking over Humphrey Industries good-bye.

LEWIS: Yeah, I know. Maybe he'll let you guys live here. You'll have your own computer room.

You know, there's two days before the wedding.

-A lot of things could happen. -Like what?

Engagements get canceled all the time for all sorts of reasons.

You mean break up the wedding?

We all want what's best for the family.

Break up my daughter's wedding?

Don't even think about it. You-you got a nasty mind, Chip.

I hate when you have a nasty mind. Break up my daughter's wedding.

Geez.

In addition to ruining any chance of a political career, think for one minute... what this will do to the family tree.

You can pick your friends, you can pick your nose, but you can't pick your relatives.

Do whatever you have to do.

♪♪

Smile pretty. Smile pretty.

-(camera clicks) -Thank you.

Name tags. Name tags, anyone?

TAKASHI: Right there. Right there, a picture.

-Excuse me. -(camera clicks)

Would you like a "Hello. My name is" tag?

How nerdy can you get?

Lois, what on earth are all these nerds doing here?

They're Booger's friends.

(scoffs) Well, Aaron and Tippy must just be sick.

Oh, Tippy seems okay, but it's killing my brother.

Daddy.

Hi. Lewis Skolnick, best man.

-Figures. -Booger is just crazy about your daughter.

He's gonna make a wonderful husband, and that's all that really matters.

-Right. -Y'know, once you get to know Booger, -you'll be very happy with what you see. -(slurping)

I'll be very happy when I get away from you.

(guffawing)

MAN: Aaron, my dear man, I'm so sorry.

(chattering continues)

You know, Booger, I do sense a bit of friction with your future father-in-law.

-Friction? -Mm-hmm.

He hates my guts.

Say hi to Stan.

-(radio clicks) -Stan, this is Lewis. Come in.

I read you. I read you, Lewis. Over.

Yeah, I just wanted to see how you're feeling, man.

Oh, pretty good. Just such a bummer I got the chicken pox.

Y'know, I guess I was just too cool to get them as a kid. (laughs)

Well, you know, sometimes we just have to play the cards we're dealt with.

Yeah. You're always so perceptive, Lewis. I wish I could be like you.

Give it time, Stan. Over and out.

(slurping)

Excuse me, Mr. Lewis, Mr. Booger.

Why is that buttocks squished up against the window

-like a pressed Devonshire ham? -(screams)

Ogre!

-Lewey! -Ogre! How are you?

-How you doing? See it? -Yeah, I saw it.

-That's Ogre. -Oh.

-Ogre! Ahhh...! -Little buddy! How you doing?

(chanting)

Ogre! Ogre! Ogre! Ogre! Ogre!

This is the worst party we've ever been to. Good night.

This was unbelievable. Thank God my daughter's a lesbian.

-Ogre! Ogre! -Hey, did you see my buns?

-Uh-oh. -What? Who is it?

-Mylan Whitfield. -Huh?

The chairman of the Republican party.

Nice of you to come, Mylan. Could I get you a drink?

The strongest one you've got.

(belching)

(belching continues)

-I think this is a record. -(continues belching)

-(all laughing) -OGRE: Still the world's champ.

-I drink to that. -Heyyy...

Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.

That's your future son-in-law.

And now a very special treat.

-My fiancée's turn. -Oh.

Oh, no, Jeanie, please. Don't, don't, don't do it, please. Please, don't, please.

Okay. Okay.

Don't do it, please. Don't do it.

(gulps, belches)

-She's doing a good job. -(mumbling, belches)

Booger must be so proud.

-(belching) -(applause)

Wow! Can you believe it?

-Whoo! -She's got the croup.

My Jeanie, she can belch with the best of them.

Hey, your sorority sisters are here.

OGRE: It's the Omega Mu's.

(all mooing)

They're all voters, Mylan.

Booger! Booger! Booger!

Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.

(mic feedback)

Why are they always chanting?

You see, the younger generation today, they--they--

I think it's kind of fun.

You're wearing two different socks.

BOOGER: Well, (clears throat) I wanna welcome you all to the wedding that none of us ever thought would happen.

-(all cheering) -I guess hell must have frozen over after all.

(all laughing)

Come on now.

-♪♪ (rim shot) -Boom!

But, Jeanie, you don't know about this, but I'm going to sing a little song for you.

It's something that I think of whenever I think of you.

-WOMAN: Awww. -WOMAN #2: So romantic.

MAN: Nice spot light.

♪♪ (keyboard)

♪ Jean, Jean ♪

♪ Roses are red ♪

♪ And all the leaves ♪

♪ Have gone green ♪

♪ And the clouds are so low ♪

♪ You can touch them and so ♪

♪ Come on out to the meadow ♪

♪ Jean ♪

♪ Jean, Jean ♪

♪ You're young and alive ♪

♪ Come out of your half dreamed dream ♪ Sorry, Aaron. Gotta go.

You will come to the bridal shower?

No can do. Important engagement.

♪ If you will to the top of the hill ♪ I thought you were gonna do something.

I'm working on it.

I'm gonna start first thing in the morning.

Start now, doofus.

♪ Bonnie Jean ♪♪ Oh.

♪♪ (piano ends)

(applause)

For those of you in the audience here who are blues aficionados, we have a little, uh--

It's a little bit dissonant, but I think you'll like it, 'cause with the fluteophones, it's kind of special.

Flutes up.

A-one, a-two, a-one, two, three.

-WOMAN: Even I can't take this. Good night. -♪♪ (playing of key)

♪ Many were the wild notes her merry voice would pour ♪

♪ Many were the blackbirds that wobbled them all ♪ TREVOR: ♪ Oh, I dream of Jeanie with the light brown hair ♪ MAN: ♪ Yo, sexy boy just think of me ♪

♪ As your love toy Come wind me up ♪

♪♪ (continues, indistinct)

JEANIE (laughing): Hi guys!

-LEWIS: Hey! -BOOGER: (laughing)

-Hey, can I cut in? -Sure thing.

BOOGER: If I may.

Betty, pregnant women have always made me boggy.

Oh, Booger. You're just incorrigible.

-I try to be. -(laughing)

Excuse me.

I just want you to know that I'm really happy for you.

Booger lets you be yourself, and I really like what I see.

I can't believe this is coming out of the mouth of my perfect sister.

Who knows? Maybe this wedding has really brought us together.

I love you, Jeanie.

I love you, Gaylord.

-(sobbing) -Oh!

Oh, girls.

Once you go nerd, you'll never go back.

(all laughing)

I would just die for your cheekbones.

Oh.

Hey, handsome.

Wanna dance?

(exhales) Sure.

BOOGER: Good show, Harold.

MAN: ♪ I wanna be your sexy boy ♪

♪ Just think of me as your love toy ♪

♪ Come wind me up Don't need no keys ♪

♪ Just pull the strings ♪ What a prenuptial party.

Really, so enjoyable. Just tremendous. (whistles)

♪ I'll bring you joy I'll make you dance ♪

♪ I'll make you shake this sexy boy ♪ TIPPY: Jeanie and her friends are having a good time.

Everybody who's important is gone.

What an embarrassment. No, no, no, look. Your sister's still here.

♪♪ (continues, indistinct)

My sister stays to the end of supermarket openings.

BOOGER: Hey, Takashi, whatever happened to Gilbert?

Mrs. Humphrey, -Yes? -Can I have this dance?

-Oh, I don't think I could. -I think you could.

(laughs) There's a little nerd in everyone.

There's no nerd in me, pal.

♪ I wanna be your sexy boy ♪

♪ Believe me I'm the real McCoy ♪

-♪♪ (continues, indistinct) -(belches)

Yo! Mama-san!

-(kiaiing) -Lois, wait!

(shuddering)

♪ I wanna be I wanna be your sexy boy ♪

♪ Your sexy boy ♪

♪ Turn out the lights ♪ TIPPY: Hey, you nerds really know how to party.

(Lewis guffaws)

BOOGER: I'm just getting started, baby.

Romeo, have you seen Chip?

Oh, sure, that's exactly what I have on my mind, worrying about where Chip is.

Oh, gee, where could Chip be? Here, Chip, Chip, Chip, Chip.

Here, Chip, Chip, Chip, Chip, Chip, Chip.

How would you like to lose about 12 teeth?

Bitch.

CHIP: I'm looking for dirt, scandal, some deviant behavior, a skeleton in a closet that would be so horrible, it would break up a wedding.

And money's no object.

-(chair squeaks) -How did you find me?

Let's just say through a friend.

And why do you wanna ruin the wedding?

Well, my father-in-law's thinking of getting into politics, and the groom would ruin his chances.

And if the father-in-law doesn't enter the political arena, you don't take over the family business.

Yes. Well, I suppose that would happen, but that's not my major concern.

-It's nerds, isn't it? -How did you know that?

-I'm a detective. -Wow.

I had a case with nerds a couple months ago.

-They can be very slippery. -(chair squeaks)

How do I know you're any good?

(sighs) You know the dirt on the royal family?

You?

(laughs) Well, let's do business.

-(chair squeaks) -All right.

-What's the groom's name? -Uh, Dudley Dawson.

But his friends call him "Booger."

-Well, that's the first thing in our favor. -What-what's that?

With a name like Booger, it shouldn't be too hard to get dirt on him. Right?

TREVOR: Good night, Mr. Ogre.

OGRE: Good night, Trevor.

TAKASHI: Good night, Lamar.

-STAN: Good night, Judy. -JUDY: Good night, Stan.

LAMAR: Good night, Takashi.

(toenail clangs in can)

-Betty. -Hmm?

Why can't we videotape the birth?

I just don't want the whole world to see my privates.

But I've already bought a high-definition, Dolby stereo, 3-D helmet cam.

You know you'll show the video to someone.

I'm really surprised at you, Betty.

Not having the confidence to think that I wouldn't show the video to someone.

(sighs)

-Maybe I would. -(toenails clanging)

-I probably would. -Hmm.

I definitely would, but it's only because no one is prouder than I am of our unborn fetal son.

And your privates. (guffaws)

Lewis Tarada Skolnick!

Ow! Betty, I was only kidding.

-Ow! -Are you all right, honey?

I'm fine. I just have a little side ache. Ohhh...

You are so wonderful.

I bet I'm the only woman in America to have a certified midwife as a husband.

That's because I don't want anybody but me delivering our unborn baby son.

-(giggles) -Hey, Betty.

-Hmm? -Would you like to have some pickles and ice cream?

Pickles, ice cream. Pickles, ice cream.

I would love some pickles and ice cream.

-Oh, yea, Mama. -I'll be right back.

Oh, honey, I don't want you to go now. It's after 3:00.

If my unborn fetal son and my beloved wife want pickles and ice cream, I don't care what time it is.

-(giggles) -Eskimo kiss?

-Butterfly. -Eskimo.

-Butterfly. Butterfly. -Eskimo. Eskimo.

I love you, you big nerd.

I know you are, but what am I? (guffaws)

-Booger. -Hey, Lewis. Where you going?

Oh, I was just gonna take a cruise in the party truck and get Betty some pickles and ice cream.

-You're gonna make the best father. -You really think so?

I know so.

Hey, you wanna come with?

No.

-Are you feeling all right, Booger? -Lewis...

I'm gonna say something to you that I would never tell anybody else in the world.

I'm a little scared.

Scared? You?

Well, what are you scared about, Booger?

I've been single a long time, Lewis.

I've enjoyed a lot of Mu's.

My life has been blessed.

(chuckles) And they've enjoyed you too, pal. (laughs)

Now I'm hanging it all up.

But what happens if I run into a woman who really curdles my blood?

'Cause you know me, Lewis. You know how it is.

Our eyes meet across a crowded room, and bammo.

We're talkin' "nutso" time.

Bananas. We're talking out of my brains, can't control the faculties, the mind follows the genitals time.

Because that's what happens, Lewis, anytime I meet a woman who really makes me wanna take a bath.

Well, I have manly urges too, Booger, I mean, like any other red-blooded American male.

Well, of course you do. How do you handle it?

I just think of Betty or computers.

No, see, not me. (exhales)

I'm like a train wreck on the Long Island Railroad.

I may see trouble down the tracks, but this trainman can't pull the switch.

Well, nobody likes to party more than I do, Booger.

Except for maybe you.

But my life got so much better since I married Betty. And yours is going to too, provided you're ready to compromise and work hard, incredibly hard, on your impending union with Jean.

-You have to work really hard, huh? -Uh huh.

I mean, it's not any harder than, say, designing cornering velocities for the Japanese Bullet Train.

But you should get some sleep. I mean, tomorrow is a huge day for you.

You got the all-you-can-eat nerd bridal shower at the Rump Roast Room at noon.

And then there's my surprise theme bachelor stag party at night.

You forgot about that, didn't you?

You're gonna nail me, aren't you?

You're darn tootin'. See ya, Booger.

-Hey, Lewis. -Yeah?

Thanks.

I love you, Booger.

I love you too.

♪♪

Bibs, anyone?

LEWIS: Don't be bashful. It's all you can eat.

So, uh, Russia's in, you know, bad shape.

Decentralization of the economy and the privatization of industry, while, you know, leading to these personal freedoms, it's cost some great hardships.

That's why I, Ogre, I think I'm gonna go over there and see if I can help them out.

You know what I mean? That's no good.

(laughing)

(gasps)

-What the-- -Say "cheese."

-BOTH: Cheese. -TAKASHI: Okay, now stay there, stay there.

-Lewis to Stan, Lewis to Stan. Come in, Stan. -I read you Lewis. Over.

Uh, listen. This is your 2:00 pox report. How-how you feeling, Stan?

Much better now, thanks to Judy.

If you don't take care of the pox, they can scab and leave scars.

-Over and out. -Honey.

-Hmm? -What's Trevor Gulf doing?

I-I think he's mooning us.

That's not a moon. That's the San Joaquin Valley.

-Trevor, no! -Oh, big smile.

Trevor, come on. It isn't nice to moon.

-Oh, it isn't? -No, it isn't.

-Mr. Ogre mooned. -Well, you see, Trevor, Mr. Ogre's a converted nerd, okay?

He used to be a jock. He's still a little rough around the edges.

Jacques? Is he from France?

(guffaws)

-My condolences, Aaron. -You gotta take the good with the bad.

-Sorry, Aaron. -Hey, if it's not one thing, it's another.

Mylan, thank you for coming.

Thank you for sending the limo for me.

Thank you for sending the bauble to my secretary.

And the entire party thanks you for sending the check.

-Just being a good Republican, Mylan. -Hmm, hmm...

Come along, dear.

Nice seeing you again, Flo.

-I've done a little homework on Dudley "Booger" Dawson. -Oh, yeah?

-He's an attorney all right. -Well, that's good.

A personal injury attorney.

He's an ambulance chaser?

It just gets worse.

-Well, it'll all be over soon. -What are you gonna do?

You just get ready for a bombshell.

Ogre, thanks, man.

That's--That's really thoughtful.

It was really expensive. (chuckles)

So, uh, I guess it's on to Lewis and Betty's present, huh?

-(all gasping) -Oh, wow!

-WOMAN: Look at that. -A ski exerciser!

I've been dying for one of these!

-Have you? -Boss!

They now have anything ever sold on an infomercial.

Oh, shut up, Aaron.

TAKASHI: Hey, everybody, everybody, Booger's parents are here!

Mr. and Mrs. Booger! Mr. and Mrs. Booger!

(applause)

Mom? Dad!

They look like they just fell off a pickle truck. (laughs)

-Chip! -Ow!

Folks, everybody, excuse me. These are my parents.

-Oh! -Oh!

(shutter clicks)

We're so glad that you're here, Mr. and Mrs. Dawson.

(cheering)

I am flabbergasted.

We would both like to thank all of you from the bottom of our hearts for this wonderful shower you're throwing us.

It's probably the first shower he's ever had. (guffaws)

MR. DAWSON: No, he showered regularly. Every other night in the summer, and weekly in the winter.

Well, I don't know about you guys, but I'm ready to jump off the dock.

-Yeah! -Hold it, everybody.

I'd like to offer my toast.

ALL: Yeah. Yeah.

WOMAN: Get the glass. Oh, here, take this.

To Booger's love child.

Love child? What are - -what are you talking about?

I'm talking about the daughter you had 12 years ago, out of wedlock, with a young woman in Sandusky, Ohio.

All right, Booger! Yeah, bud!

You have a child that my little girl doesn't know about?

I am appalled, Booger. Appalled.

-And so is my wife. Right? See? -But--

I don't know anything about this.

I have no child in Sandusky, Ohio.

-The hell you don't! -(all gasp)

This is a fairly specious charge.

Where's your proof, Chip?

Yeah, where's your proof, Chip?

ALL: Yeah.

My proof is right here.

I'd like you to meet Detective First Class Chad Penrod.

Detective Penrod, does Dudley Dawson, alias Booger, have or have not a 12-year-old child in Sandusky, Ohio?

I checked the birth records in Sandusky and found that on March 19, 1981, a certain Heidi Dawson was born to a Miss Cathleen Turtle--

Turtletaub and a Mr. Dudley Dawson.

-Cool. -Wait!

If the parents of the alleged love child were never married, why isn't the child's name Heidi Turtletaub?

Exactly. Why isn't the child's name Heidi Turtletaub?

-Yes. -(neck bones crack)

Beats me.

If the child were born to an unmarried mother, wouldn't the so-said mother have given the aforementioned daughter her last name?

PENROD: Well, I do know this.

The child's nickname is Booger.

-(all gasp) -Yeah!

I think we should leave, Jeanie.

Oh.

Do you wanna marry a man who doesn't tell you that he has a child?

Who knows what he'll lie about next?

You saw The Crying Game.

How do we know he even is a man?

-(gasps) -(all gasping)

-LAMAR: Don't you touch me! -Get your hands off me!

-LAMAR: Don't you touch me! -I caught you red-handed!

-LAMAR: Get off of me! -LEWIS: Hey, break it up!

-Break it up! -I'm gonna tell everybody! Don't you get me started.

-I heard-- -Word!

I can't believe what got into you two. This is supposed to be a happy occasion.

I'm especially surprised at you, Lamar.

Now what was going on?

Well, Chip was crackin' on Booger's parents.

Crackin' on my parents?

What kind of cracks, Chip?

-Booger. -Yeah, what kind?

-As your best man, I strongly advise you just let it go. -I'm not going to let it go.

On the other hand, I'm prepared to explore other avenues with you as well.

-What kind of cracks, Chip? -(stammering)

Chip said that your mama was so ugly, that the Elephant Man paid to see her.

(laughing)

The point is you have a 12-year-old daughter in Sandusky, Ohio!

This has nothing to do with my having a child in Sandusky, Ohio.

That isn't what this is about at all.

-This is because I'm a nerd. -(all gasping)

And it has been since the beginning.

Mm-hmm.

Why else would someone rummage through my private life with a detective?

And then announce this... detestable fabrication, this--this tissue of lies

-on the happiest day of my life? -Oh, Booger.

Hath not a nerd eyes?

When you prick us, do we not bleed?

I am tired of the reckless allegations, the snide snickering, the talking behind backs, the sly innuendos, the looking down on us.

We are what we are.

-Aren't we? -NERDS: We are!

-And we're proud of what we are. -NERDS: We are!

And we are not about to allow ourselves to be intimidated by a bunch of--

Booger, don't say it!

-Say it, Booger! -Nouveau-riche pigs!

OGRE: There you go.

You have... the audacity... to utter the most... morally reprehensible slur to these... fine, upstanding, self-made businesspeople.

Shame on you, Booger.

Shame on all of you nerds.

Ogre, no!

-(gasps) -WOMAN: Oh!

The prosecution rests.

I've had it with you nerds!

All right, everyone, just cool it!

-Oh, what the hell. -We've got too much class for this kind of crap.

-Booger! -Jeanie!

-Booger! -TAKASHI: (yells)

Ahhh!

Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, haaaa!

(woman shrieking)


So you might have a daughter in Sandusky, Ohio, huh?

(sighs) I don't know.

It's certainly possible.

God knows my seed is as strong as an Alaskan salmon.

And I partied pretty hard in the early '80s.

In Sandusky?

Apart from Akron, I probably spent more time in Sandusky than any place on earth.

Damn it!

Everything was going so great. Now it's ruined.

Ah, Booger.

Your wedding isn't ruined.

What are you talking about?

We just had a food fight.

People don't have... food fights at their... bridal showers!

But I did.

Some nouveau-riche guy, looked like he could have been a banker, is mashing... handfuls of garni up my nostrils!

(sighs) I know things look bleak.

But they've been bleak before.

Do you remember at Adams College?

We were exiled from the dorms and forced to live in the gymnasium.

Do you remember in Fort Lauderdale, when we were persecuted into subjugation and incarcerated?

How about when Orrin Price framed me... for embezzling...

Adams College computer research funds?

We may have been subjected to the yoke of nerd oppression before, -but we're not gonna be subjected to it again! -(bangs mug)

This wedding is not over! The son of a gun has just begun!

Come on, pal.

(crying)

(ringing)

BOOGER: Meet me at the Wood Bridge in half an hour.

Please?

Hello? -(sobs)

I'm sorry. Is this 555-4264?

Knock, knock. Is this a private party?

Have a drink, Chip.

Thanks, Dad--Aaron. (laughs)

(sighs)

I'm taking a lot of flack from this from my wife.

I thought the, uh, food fight was a nice plus though.

This is a career day for you, Chip.

As a matter of fact, this is the first good thing I could ever remember you doing.

Oh, come on. I've done lots of good things.

Name one.

-Are you serious? -Name one.

Well, there was, uh--

-Uh-- -You don't do anything and I pay you a fortune.

But look.

You made up for everything. You're the man who drove the Booger man out of my daughter's life.

(exhales)

Daddy, I have to talk to you.

I'm so confused.

First of all, I just wanna thank you for being so concerned about me.

I know in my heart you only want what's best for me, no matter what you say or do or how you behave.

JEANIE: (sighs)

I sure do love that Booger though.

I can't believe he's got a kid he never told me about.

(groans)

(scoffs) Kids--you gotta love 'em.

(exhales)

It, um-- It is true, Chip.

Is what true?

That, um, he has a child with an unwed mother and all that?

Yeah, sure it's true. The detective I hired found it.

Because it, uh-- it wouldn't be good if it wasn't true.

-It's true. -Then, uh--then it's good.

-'Cause it's true. -Right. If it's true, it's good.

And, uh, I feel good about that. (clicks tongue)

Good.

(birds chirping)

(gasps)

-Booger! -Jeanie!

Let's go to our secret spot so no one will see us.

-I love you, Booger. -Oh, I love you too.

But marriage is about trust. No secrets from each other, remember?

I don't have any secrets.

Well, what about that child in Sandusky, Ohio?

I don't have a child in Sandusky, Ohio!

Well, why would Detective Penrod say that you did?

Well, I don't know!

I don't even know who Detective Penrod is!

I'm a condemned man and I don't have a child!

I believe you, Booger.

You do?

Yes, because marriage is about trust.

And I trust you... completely.

BOOGER: (laughs)

All I know is that I love you and I think we should continue the wedding.

Oh, Booger, I-- I don't know what to do. I--

I--I don't know. I don't know what's right or wrong anymore.

I, uh--

I know it's a day early, but...

I'd like you to read my valentine.

(giggling)

-Open it up. -(laughs)

A cow. Oh.

"An empty spot was on my heart until I met you, O Valentine.

Then the spot filled in. My heart was whole.

I could love for the first time in my life now that you are going to become

my wife."

-Ahh, the hell with my dad! -Uh, huh, that's exactly what I'd hoped you'd say.

(laughing)

(lowing)

-Again. -(laughs)

(lowing)

(laughs) Oh, I can't tell you what it does to me to hear you moo again.

-(lowing) -(mooing)

(mooing)

-Oh, ho, ho, Booger! -Jeanie!

-(laughs) -(mooing)

(lawn mower)

-It's on! -What's on?

The wedding is on again!

First it's on, then it's off. Now it's on again.

I am on an emotional roller coaster.

-I am not a yo-yo. -(scoffs)

-(lawn mower) -(tray slams)

How can the wedding be on? We all can't even be in the same room together.

Never in the history of weddings has there ever been a clearer case of incompatibility.

Aaron, Jeanie is thrilled. Think about her for once.

I am thinking about her. The man is a liar and a child deserter.

If she goes through with this wedding, I'm not gonna have anything to do with it!

Zero, nothing, nada, zip!

-(chair ganging) -Ow!

(laughing)

Okay, all right. Anybody who feels that Booger could have an illegitimate child in Sandusky, Ohio, raise your right hands.

(shouts) Opposed?

-You don't think it's possible? -No, I do not.

Booger may be Booger, but he always took precautions.

-That is right. He always did wear condoms. -Oh. Condom.

-So he couldn't have a child. -No way.

(car approaching)

-Harold, where you going? -LAMAR: I don't know, but I would guess Aunt Lois's.

Are you scoring, Harold?

Well, I certainly wouldn't tell you if I was.

But I guarantee ya I ain't going over there for breakfast.

(all laughing)

-(tires screeching) -Ya-hoo!

-(horn honking) -(tires squealing)

-It's on! -BOTH: What's on?

The wedding!

-(tires screeching) -(horn honking)

Uh, I-I thought you told me the love child was real.

I didn't say she was real. I said it was a great idea.

But it hasn't turned out to be such a great idea, has it?

If Aaron finds out I've lied to him, I'm dead. He's gonna fire me.

(sighs) Hey, if he fires you, isn't he also cutting off his own daughter?

He's gonna give her an allowance that I'm not allowed to touch.

Well, (lips smack) that'd do it.

(moans)

Oh, relax will ya. There are plenty of ways to ruin a wedding.

-Such as? -It's easy.

You know what bachelor parties are like.

Beautiful women, liquor flowing, raw naked temptation.

Booger's bound to succumb.

According to his bio, he's got the self-control of a brahma bull.

Uhh, how would we, uh-- How would we show proof of this?

We'll make one of America's least funny home videos.

-(chuckling) -(chuckling)

Do it.

Hey. There's a horse here named Big Booger.

♪♪

(groans) I missed the food fight.

And now I'm gonna miss Booger's surprise theme bachelor party.

Well, not really, Stan.

May I present to you and Judy a special Valentine's Day treat.

Try these on for size, ok? Now, tonight when the bachelor party starts, you simply turn on the TV, hit the function button on your remote. OK?

And you might not be there, but you'll have the next best thing--

-Skolnick Vision. -(guffaws)

-Bye, guys. -Thanks, Lewis.

-Thanks. -(door opens, closes)

(both guffawing)

-♪♪ (dance rock) -(shouting, chattering)

-Oh, I made it! -Great shot, Takashi. You know, you owe me another 20 bucks.

-Huh? -Well, sometimes when you win, you lose.

Now, let's play for your watch.

-Okay, thank you. -You're welcome. (laughs)

Red ball, middle pocket and you can call me London Fats. (chuckles)

(party favors squealing)

Ah, here you go. A bumper pool tournament!

I mean, what an original idea for a bachelor party!

I knew that you would love it, Booger.

Is there gonna be a girlie show?

Mr. Dawson, that would be sexist.

Yeah, we believe it's possible to be entertained without demeaning women.

That's nice. But personally, I'd prefer a little skin.

Hey, hey, fellas, I got winners. (chuckles)

He's got a lot of nerve showing his face around here.

-Temper, temper. -Don't worry about it, Booger.

We got him under 24-hour surveillance.

There's nothing he can do that we don't know about.

-(laughs) -(laughs)

Hey, no lofting, Harold!

(chanting) Nouveau riche! Nouveau riche! Nouveau riche!

-Nouveau riche! Nouveau riche! -(gargles)

I really expected Aaron to be here tonight.

He doesn't want anything to do with the wedding.

Well, he might have extended me the courtesy of allowing me to know that.

(chanting) Nouveau riche! Nouveau riche!

All right, all right, all right. All right!

(chanting stops) Nouveau--

Now, I know we had a little trouble today at the all-you-can-eat nerd bridal shower at the Rump Roast Room at noon, but, hey, that's behind us now, right?

-We're adults. -Hold it, everybody.

-Lewis is right. -(coughs)

Why, even I've been a bit of a recalcitrant during this wedding, but now that I've gotten to know... Booger, I realize that you and Jeanie are a perfect couple.

And I know that it's only the first step, -♪♪ (dance rock) -but I'm hoping that you will accept...

-MAN: Look at that. -...my dove of peace.

-(excited chattering) -(party favors squealing)

-Miss Modem! -(all cheering)

-Miss Numbers. -Come on!

(sighs)

Miss Mainframe.

-Leave it to Chip to be sexist. -M-m-me, me, me!

-CHIP: Miss Communication. -(gasps)

You know, they are sort of enjoyable.

-CHIP: Miss Floppy Disk. -BOOGER: (moaning)

-(moaning continues) -♪♪

-I love you! -Come on!

-(all shouting) -(party favors squealing)

Hey, hey, hey.

-I'll take care of him. -Go get him.

-Hi, Booger. I'm your present. -(growls)

♪♪ (continues)

WOMAN: ♪ You make quiver ♪

(moans) You feel so good!

I can't take no more!

♪ You make me quiver ♪

(both guffawing)

MAN: Take it off!

(cheering)

(guffawing continues)

♪♪ (music continues)

♪ You make me quiver ♪

(laughing)

You know, this--this Skolnick Vision is great, but, ah, still, it's not like actually being there.

We could have our own stag party, Stan.

♪♪ (continues)

-(all shouting) -(party favors squealing)

♪ You make quiver ♪

♪♪ (vocalizing)

(laughing)

♪ You make quiver ♪

(all shouting)

♪ Shiver ♪

-(cheering) -(shouting)

♪ You make me quiver ♪

-♪♪ (continues) -(cheering)

(laughing)

We're gonna have some fun. A cool time.

(both laughing)

-What is all this? -(chuckles)

This is anything that you want it to be, Booger.

(whirring)

-♪♪ (conga drum beating) -ALL: Hey! Hey!

Hey!

Hey! Hey!

Hey!

Hey! Hey!

Did you do the nasty?

I still got it.

(all shouting, cheering)

-All right, Booger! -♪♪ (conga drum resumes)

Hey! Hey! Hey!

This better be good, Chip, to have woken us up in the middle of the night.

I just want you all to see what kind of lowlife Jeanie's going to marry.

BOOGER (on TV): What is all this?

Booger?

This is anything you want it to be, Booger.

It's your last night as a single man.

You're allowed to have a little fun, Booger.

Oh, my God.

-I can't do this. -Everybody's nervous at first.

No, no, no. It's not that I'm nervous.

I am not nervous.

It's just that, um, Jeanie and I have a special bond... and I don't want to break it.

Plus, you make me very nervous.

So, if it's all right with you, perhaps we could just...

sit here for a, for a moment... so that the guys outside won't... think that I'm the sissy that you know me to be.

-(laughs) -(kiss)

You're not a sissy, Booger. You're a mensch.

-I think he acted very responsibly. -That's right, Chip.

-(smacks butt) -Oh, yes, Mommy!

-Oh, God. (laughing) Oh, I'm feeling better.

-Ooh. -I've been bad. I've been very bad!

I want a divorce, Chip.

It must be a mistake. That's not me.

Those nerds did it. I bet they did it on a computer or something.

God, the things they can do with computers these days.

No. I'm the one who made the mistake, Chip, when I married you.

It was a little indiscretion at a bachelor party.

It's not just the video, Chip!

It's been all downhill since the honeymoon.

You drink too much. You're mentally abusive to me.

You fool around with other women.

We have absolutely nothing in common.

Well, maybe I could work a little harder.

It makes me ill to think I've stayed with you as long as I have.

(gagging)

CHIP: Honey?

You mind if I spoke to Chip alone?

Oh, no, certainly. Come, sweetie.

TIPPY: Gaylord!

-This isn't good, Chip. -No.

So I'm gonna kill you, Chip.

You made a fool out of my daughter!

Aaron, I can explain everything.

You lied about the illegitimate child, then you tried to frame Booger and you got caught!

The illegitimate child will be here tomorrow morning at 10:00 a.m.

She's on route right now from Sandusky, Ohio.

There is no illegitimate child! You made it all up.

The illegitimate child will be here at 10:00 in the morning!

It better be! And you better get my daughter to forgive you, or there's no room for you in this family or at Humphrey Industries, you pervert creep.

(door slams)

Oh, boy. That was one heck of a stag party last night, Lewis.

I know I'll never forget it.

I especially enjoyed your dance with the woman who removed her clothes, Mr. Booger.

Trevor, remember there's a code of silence about what goes on at a stag party.

-Code of silence? -So, reveal nothing, even if you're under hours of interrogation and torture.

Wild horses couldn't drag it out of me.

(chuckles) Who aren't I supposed to tell?

-Lewis. -Huh?

There were women there, weren't there?

Yes.

Were they pretty?

Yes.

What'd you do with them?

-The bunny hop. -That's all you did?

-Yes. -Was the bunny hop?

Okay. You can still be my valentine then.

Oh, Betty. (sighs) You shouldn't have.

-He's so cute. -He plays something too.

Beautiful. (chuckles)

Hey, guys! It's Valentine's Day!

ALL: Happy Valentine's Day!

Happy Valentine's.

Aaron, I hope you didn't have anything to do with videotaping Booger at the stag party.

Absolutely not. I wasn't even there.

Mm-hmm.

Aaron, if you don't participate in this wedding and make your daughter proud of you, I'm going to leave you.

You would leave me?

I have learned a lot from the nerds. Nerds speak their mind.

And from now on, I'm gonna speak my mind too.

If you don't support your daughter during this wedding, I'm outta here.

Fix your ascot.

It's not like I'm giving up that much.

What is that supposed to mean?

Aaron, we haven't had sex since the Bush administration.

Well, it's, uh, hard to perform in that way when the Democrats are in power.

Ask any guy in this neighborhood.

That's why the sex hasn't been that hot lately.

Hot? I'd settle for lukewarm.

Zip your fly.

(zipper screeches)

Well, it's not all my fault.

How can I have sex when I have to spend all my time fixing my ascot, zippering my fly and matching my socks?

I can't be perfect for you anymore, Tippy.

It's too much pressure.

Aaron. I thought I was helping you.

I know how much you wanna be accepted by the blue bloods, but you don't ever have to be perfect for me.

-I don't? -No.

I just want you to be the imperfect animal I fell in love with.

You mean it?

Absolutely.

Tippy.

Aaron.

Oh, Tippy.

Aaron!

Oh! Oh! Oh!

MAN: ♪ Cupid ♪

♪ You've got the world upon a string ♪

♪ It's time for armored hearts to sing ♪

♪ So bless these sweet nerd lips ♪

♪ Cupid ♪

♪ Strike while your arrow's point is sharp ♪

♪ Play sweet melodies upon your harp ♪

♪ Make all their sweet little nerdy dreams come true ♪

♪ Give them one more chance ♪

-♪ To breathe in romance -(guffawing)

♪ Cupid ♪ Hey, I don't know if you're enjoying your wedding, but it's been the best time of my life.

Nerds. Who knew?

-Where are you? -Well, I'm over at Lois's.

Well, it's been special.

And thank God it's all going to end this afternoon.

It's all gonna end right now.

I'd like you to meet Heidi Dawson, your daughter.

Go.

-TIPPY: Oh, Aaron! -It's off!

(gasps)

-What's off? -What?

The wedding!

Booger's kid turned up. I told you there was a kid.

-Guys, the wedding is off. -(gasps)

It's not your fault.

You didn't do anything. You didn't ask to be born.

Would you like me to give you a push on those swings?

-No, thanks. -Mmm, I'm a pretty good swing pusher.

I could give you an over-the-top.

I'm too old to be pushed on the swings.

Oh, right. Yeah, you're too old for that.

I used to hate it when people treated me like a baby.

-You did? -Oh, yeah.

So what do you like to do?

I'm afraid to tell you because if you don't like what I like, then you won't like me.

I think... I'm going to like you no matter what you do, as long as you live.

So there.

(tires squealing)

(car door closes)

-Booger. -I'm here to see Jeanie.

I'm sorry, Booger, but Jeanie doesn't wanna speak with you.

I would like her to tell me that.

Well, if she doesn't wanna talk with you, she can't very well tell you then, can she?

Mrs. Humphrey, I am trying to be civil, but now I am not asking.

I am demanding to see your daughter.

Oh, Booger.

I'm sorry.

Oh, honey, help him.

Booger, every wedding has its crisis. This is yours.

A crisis would be easy compared to this.

Jeanie!

Oh, Booger.

Booger, the groom never stops pursuing his bride.

Never.

Hey, pal. Hey! Hey! What are you doing?

Hey, wait, wait a minute! Hey, wait! (whistles) Hey!

(groans)

(grunting)

JEANIE: Oh.

(grunting)

(exhales)

-Booger! -Darling!

Whoa!

So what if I have a child.

I'm so confused. You know, I just I don't know what to think anymore.

Oh, marry me, Jeanie.

I just need a few days to think about it.

What, not get married on Valentine's Day?

I'm confused, Booger. I need time!

There was a time when getting married on Valentine's Day was the most important thing in the world to us.

Please go, Booger.

Is that what you really want?

No. Not in my heart and not in my soul, but... I'm just so nuts over this, you know.

It's like I just need a little space.

Please, Booger?


♪ Jean ♪

♪ The roses ♪

♪ Are red ♪

♪ All the leaves have gone green ♪

♪ And the skies are so low ♪

♪ You can touch them ♪

♪ And so ♪ BOTH: ♪ Come into my arms ♪

♪ Bonnie Jean ♪♪

(giggling)

It's on!

BOTH: What's on?

The wedding!

Whoo-hoo!

(sighs) Ah, I'm so glad the wedding is still on.

I was so wrong about nerds.

You know, we nerds believe in forgiveness.

It's unreal how much you remind me of my friend Bing.

I've never met anyone quite like you, Lamar.

(giggles)

Well, I'll take that as a compliment.

It is.

-Lewis. -Booger.

I'm gonna marry Cathleen Turtletaub.

Who's Cathleen Turtletaub?

Heidi's mother.

But you don't even know Cathleen Turtletaub.

I know, but it's the right thing to do.

-(coughs) -(hisses)

This really isn't about Cathleen Turtletaub, is it?

No, it isn't.

This is about your zapatos becoming muy frío, no?

-Lewis. -Booger.

I didn't go through with it with the stripper last night.

-Oh, yeah, we know. -How do you know?

(smacks lips) Well, we kind of figured it out when we edited the videotape to ruin Chip's life.

Here I was passing up this mound of perfect.

I, who have never passed up anything in my life.

What is the matter with me, Lewis?

Where has the Booger I have known and loved... gone?

(clock chiming)

You ready?

Let's do it.

(glass hits table)

Please be my valentine.

You haven't given me a valentine in 10 years and this is what you come up with?

Pathetic!

(nervous chuckle)

(whimpers)

Aaron, Tippy, the food fight was a sensational idea!

I'm gonna use the nerd theme at my wedding. (guffaws)

Mylan.

I'm so sorry for all the trouble that you've experienced with this affair.

Thanks for coming to the wedding.

I do not care to judge you, Aaron, on the basis of the hell I've been through.

But I trust that it was merely a horrific aberration and I expect the wedding to be quite different.

What?

Oh.

I, uh, trust that'll be enough.

Wouldn't have missed this wedding for the world.

LEWIS: Everybody, stand aside! Make way for the groom!

(horn beeping)

I would know that horn anywhere.

-LEWIS: Dad! -U.N.!

-Hey, how are you? -Hey!

-Congratulations. -Thank you.

I wouldn't miss a nerd wedding for the world.

-How are you? -Lewis, how are you?

-How's my unborn grandson? -You mean your unborn fetal son?

(both guffawing)

Emergency! Excuse, please.

The bishop has a kidney stone.

He no make it to wedding!

Wha-how am I supposed to get married without a clergyman?

-I can marry you. -But I don't love you.

Oh. No, no. I took a correspondence course.

I'm a fully ordained Tilhoonian minister.

-You are? -U.N.

(guffawing)

(guffawing continues)

♪♪ (wedding music)

-Hi, Dad. -Shh. (clears throat)

-♪♪ (organ) -Sorry.

♪♪ ("Wedding March")

(guests murmuring)

-WOMAN #1: Oh, she's just beautiful. -WOMAN #2: Isn't she?

I've never seen a nerd wedding I didn't cry at.

This is just fabulous! (crying)

What a weenie.

(shutter clicks)

-(all sigh) -Doesn't she look gorgeous?

(both crying)

(alarm blaring)

Lewis?

-Betty, you're having the baby! -Lewis!

-Oh. You're having the baby, honey. -Lewis.

Booger, quick. You guys. Lamar! Quick, come here!

LEWIS: Lamar. You guys. Booger.

-Lamar, quick, hurry! -BOOGER: Don't panic!

Ogre. Ogre. We gotta carry her.

Okay. Okay, here we go.

-LEWIS: That's it. Careful. -Okay, I got her.

-Okay, Lewey! Where, Lewey? -Come on. Follow me.

-ALL: (chattering) -OGRE: Where, Lewey?

(alarm continues blaring)

(alarm stops)

LEWIS: Ogre, here. Put her head right here in the chopped liver.

-Lewis! -WOMAN: She need an ice pack?

Betty, don't push. Don't push, Betty.

(groans)

ALL (chanting): Betty, don't push. Betty, don't push.

-Lewis! -Betty, don't push! Betty, don't push!

ALL (chanting): Eee-hee-hoo.

Eee-hee-hoo! Eee-hee-hoo!

BOOGER: Heidi, where are you going?

I shouldn't be here.

Of course you should be here.

I'm not really your daughter. Chip got me from an orphanage.

Chip got you in an orphanage?

(scoffs)

-You, um, -BETTY: (screaming) rented an orphan?

Well, it seemed like a good idea at the time.

And I've been under a lot of stress lately.

-I'm sorry. -(crying)

Daddy, don't! Don't!

-(smack) -Ooh!

-(grunts) -(chanting) Betty, don't push!

-(screams) -(chanting) Betty, don't scream!

-Get off our land. -(chanting continues) Betty, don't scream!

Aren't you forgetting something?

The keys to the B.M.W.

MAN: Cough 'em up.

-BETTY: (screaming) -Okay, honey!

-BETTY: It's all your fault, Lewis! -You nerds did this to me.

But I'll get you... if it's the last thing I do!

-(grunting) -(laughing)

-Bye, Chip. -Hmph!

MAN: Bye, Chip. (laughter)

My next husband's going to be a nerd.

I, uh--I would like to make an announcement.

-(Betty screams) -I have, uh, been a jerk for this whole wedding.

You certainly have.

Well, I've...I-I never been around a nerd before, and I guess, uh-- well, I guess I judged a book by its cover.

-(groaning) -Booger.

I know you and my Jeanie are gonna be very happy together because you know what you are and you're proud of it.

Well, I'm, uh, sick of trying to be something I'm not.

Come on! Push, honey, push! Push!

Tippy.

NERDS (chanting): Push, Betty, push! Push, Betty, push!

-I-- -Push, Betty, push!

I--

I am nouveau riche and I'm proud of it!

Mylan, if who I am isn't good enough for the Republican party of this state, then to hell with the nomination!

-And that is the truth! -NERDS: Push, Betty, push!

The nerds have brought my man back.

WOMEN: Aw!

-(gasps) -(gasps)

-Push, Betty, push! Push, Betty, push! -(screams)

-Push, Betty, push! -Wow.

Hey, hey, hey. Don't go.

What would you say if I said we should adopt Heidi?

(Betty screams)

I would say that I love you even more than I already do, and I didn't think that was possible.

You gave up what you wanted to tell the truth.

I really admire that quality in a person.

Push, Betty, push! Push, Betty, push!

It's coming! It's coming, Betty! Come on. Push, honey, push!

-BETTY: (grunting) -(baby crying)

(crying continues)

Oh. Oh, it's so beautiful.

Our son is born.

Kunta Skolnick!

Behold the nerd child.

I see before me two souls who desire to be joined together.

There's no greater challenge in life, and also, no greater reward. (guffaws)

(crying)

Do you, Dudley Dawson, take this woman, Jean Lagarde Humphrey, to be your lawful wife?

Before I answer that, I just want to say this is the happiest moment of my life.

I do.

And do you, Jean Lagarde Humphrey, take this man, Dudley Dawson, to be your lawfully wedded husband?

Excuse me.

I'm going to love you till the end of time.

NERDS: (crying)

-I do. -Then with the power invested in me by the Tilhoon Institute of Home Learning Church, I now pronounce you husband and wife.

(guffaws)

Ohh!

Nerds forever! Forever nerds!

Nerds! Nerds! Nerds!

GUESTS (chanting): Nerds! Nerds! Nerds!

♪♪ (dance rock)

♪♪ (singing in Japanese)

♪♪ (continues singing in Japanese)

-♪♪ -(cheering, laughing)

Ooh, ooh, ooh. (laughing)

Oh, Aaron.

(singing in Japanese)

TAKASHI: (continues singing in Japanese)

♪♪ Woo!

Ya-hee!

(laughing)

-(cheering) -Muah!

♪♪ (continues in Japanese)

TAKASHI (in English): ♪ Darling, I love you ♪

♪ Oh, darling ♪

♪ Darling, I love you ♪

♪ Love you ♪

♪ Darling ♪

-(music stops) -(applauding, cheering)

Lewis, thanks for everything.

It's gonna be a great year.

(all guffawing)

(chattering)

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