Revenge of the Pink Panther (1978) Script

So he wants to cut it off, just like that?

He doesn't think you can handle it.

The arrangements have been concluded.

I gave them my word because he gave me his word.

So you tell me why. Hey, you know why.

You're not strong anymore.

You lost control.

Now, you tell him this, that nothing has changed.

We've had a few setbacks.

That's to be expected in any business.

But I am still in charge, and I am still strong.

Make no mistake.

You tell him he had better keep his word.

Tell him the 25th, as agreed.

I'll send him a sign, a little demonstration, to prove that I'm still strong.


Good afternoon, Mr. Douvier. Good afternoon, Simone.

Any calls? On your desk.

What's this, "Dr. Herb called"?

That's your yearly checkup. Tuesday at 4:30.

Okay.

Is New York gonna call back? Mm-hmm. Between 5:00 and 6:00.

Good.

Everybody else here? Yes, in the boardroom.

Well, I don't think we should keep them waiting any longer.

Will I see you tonight? Of course, Miss Legree.

Gentlemen, we have a problem.

The Gannet transaction is in jeopardy because New York seems to feel I no longer have the power to control the situation.

So I have sent word that I will give them a demonstration, a sign, to show that I am still in control, that France is still a viable territory.

What I want from you are suggestions.

I have an idea. All right.

Would you ask your secretary to bring in the morning paper?

Miss Legree, would you bring in the morning paper, please?

Right away, sir.

Who is the most important man in France today?

Present company excluded, of course.

Thank you, Miss Legree. Well, the President, I suppose.

No, for our purpose.

A man that New York knows even better than the President of France.

A man with which our entire world organization is familiar, and would like nothing better than to see him out of the way.

Who?

Who has given us nothing but trouble for the past 10 years?

Who has survived 16 assassination attempts, including two by his own boss?

Clouseau.

You want to impress New York?

Eliminate Clouseau.

Eliminate Clouseau, and we'll have every cop in France down on our necks.

Not if we do it smart.

There is a rumor that he is really a complete imbecile.

I've heard that.

Yet he continues to survive.

I have it on good authority that he is anything but an imbecile.

That he only plays the fool.

In any case, it is too dangerous.

Can you do it smart?

Yes.

Then do it.


Balls?

Inspector Clouseau! My dear Chief Inspector Clouseau!

Auguste. How we have missed you!

How we have missed you!

Your disguise is ready for the final fitting.

Excellent. I think you'll be very pleased.

Cunny! Cunny! Quick, quick! Inspector Clouseau is here!

I noticed you have some very interesting new noses...

I will model them for you, of course.

Cunny, get on with it. Get on with it!

I will bring you one right away. Yes.

There were some on the left there.

Yes, yes, yes. Yes, yes.

Ah, the final fitting.

I call this one Wino and Roses.

Magnificent. Yeah, yeah.

Even though I say so myself, this is no small feat.

Now you can work the Left Bank and Montmartre with anonymity.

Yes, yes.

The old anonymity ploy.

That's it! That's it! You can do it, Inspector!

Chief Inspector. You can walk, Chief Inspector!

You can walk!

Yes! Yes! You are a genius, Balls!

I can! I can walk!

♪ Thank heavens ♪

♪ For little girls ♪

♪ They keep on getting smaller every day ♪

♪ Thank heavens ♪

♪ For little girls ♪

♪ They grow down in the most... ♪

Yes?

A special delivery.

Thank you.

I'm sorry. I'm a little short.

Forget it.

Special delivery. A beumb. Were you expecting one?

A beumb?

Yes?

What?

Right. What's the matter?

Well, the bomb destroyed half the block, and Clouseau survived.

I am certain, sir, that the beumb was intended for me.

"Beumb"? What?

You said "beumb". Yes, yes.

Fortunately, Professor Balls took refuge behind a new shipment of inflatable goiters, which cushioned the force of the explosion.

Inflatable goiters? Yes, his Valentine's Day collection.

It's amazing that you survived. Yes, yes.

Yes, I must apprehend this mad beumber before he does any more of the damage in here.

Or she. Or she?

A man dressed as a woman.

"Four armed robberies in three weeks.

"Two of the victims were assaulted and grappled with the robber.

"Both the victims felt the robber was much too strong to be a woman.

"Three years ago, we sent to prison a man named Claude Russo.

"Russo committed robberies disguised as a woman."

Well, sir, I must be off to apprehend this-- this mad beumber now.

Remember, it just could be Russo.

Yes. It just could be Russo, yes.

Yes, I just said that. Yes, I know that. Yes, sir.

Well, sir, until we meet again and the case is solved.

Au revoir, Hercule.

Fire!

You may not have seen these gentlemen before, but they have, at one time or another, worked for you.

And, needless to say, they are specialists, the best in France.

And you expect them to take care of Clouseau?

Oh, no.

They've been contracted to eliminate Mr. Chong.

Who the hell is Mr. Chong?

Mr. Chong.

Mr. Chong was recommended by Hong Kong.

Gentlemen, fulfill your contracts.


Why don't you get out of those wet clothes?

You could catch pneumonia.

Yes, I know that. I know that. I will do as soon as I get home, provided that idiot Cato does not attack me first.

Why don't you just tell him not to?

Believe me, it's not that easy.

I have given him instructions to attack me wherever and whenever possible, and it has now become a matter of pride with him to try to outsmart me.

I guarantee that at this very minute his fiendish, little yellow brain is plotting some new ambush.

Gesundheit. Yes, I know that. I know that.


Cato?

Cato?

Cato!

Pay attention! This is your employer speaking!

I am canceling the attack orders for tonight!

Do you understand?

I know that I told you to show no mercy, and to attack, and to pay no attention to what I say.

But tonight...

But tonight, I am ordering you to pay attention!

You will not attack, Cato!

Shut up that row!

I am trying to save my life, madam!

Obviously, the little yellow swine is not paying attention.


Ha!


Aah!

It's a very substantial building.

We're doing a great deal to it. Yes.

I'm sure when it's finished, you'll find it very peaceful and quite delightful.


Swine!

Chief Inspector Clouseau's residence. - Clouseau?

One moment, please.

For you.

What on Earth is going on?

Excuse me, madame and messieurs.

I beg your pardon. I am so sorry. It's still for you, Inspector.

Chief Inspector.

Pardon me. I am needed on the phone.

Hello?

This is Chief Inspector Clouseau speaking on the phone.

Now listen to me carefully, Clouseau.

If you wanna catch the French Connection, meet me tonight at 11:00 in the Bois de Boulogne, near the Grande Cascade.

And come alone.

That's so obvious. He's bound to think it's a trap.

Yes, or it's so obvious that he's bound to think it can't be a trap.

It's so obvious. It's bound to be a trap.

That is why you will never be a great detective, Cato.

It's so obvious. It could not possibly be a trap.

Now, Cato, warm up the Silver Hornet.


Cato, I very much suspect that the Hornet is overdue for a service.

So, if you don't mind, I'll use your car tonight.


He's driving a white Peugeot. License number is...


Oh, by any chance, are you going to Fontainebleau?

Well, I... Wonderful!

How lucky can a girl get? You're an absolute darling.

It's green. It is?

The traffic light. Oh!

You know, generally speaking, it's dangerous for a beautiful girl like you to be hitchhiking at night.

I know.

That's because, generally speaking, beautiful girls like me don't carry guns.

Yes, yes.

Are you saying that you carry a gun?

Mm-hmm.

I've got it in here somewhere. It's, uh, it's not very big.

Hey, watch it. It might go off. Only if you don't do exactly what I say.

Listen, Miss...

Russo. Russo?

But you can call me Claude.

Claude? Pull off the road.

The old "pull off the road" ploy, huh?

Yes, and then we will see how you do with the old "take off all your clothes" ploy.


And if you don't want to freeze to death, you'd better put on the dress.

Never! Suit yourself.

But the dress is an original Dior, and you've got sensational legs.


Yes?

Good. Thank you.

Why don't you just take that thing off the hook?

Won't be necessary, my dear.

The great Inspector Clouseau will not be bothering us anymore.

Hello, boys!

Am I glad to see you.

And we are certainly glad to see you.

Hey, hey, hey! Wait a moment! Wait a moment!

You know me. I am Chief Inspector Clouseau of the Sûreté!

And I am Officer Bardot. Bardot?

But you can call me Brigitte.

Brigitte! Please don't, Brigitte.

You are making an understandable mistake.

Don't let my legs fool you. I'm really a man. Listen...

The palace flag is lowered to half-mast.

The President has declared a day of national mourning.

Only a few hours ago, the great detective stood in this very courtyard and was decorated by the President for outstanding service to his country.

According to the coroner's report, Chief Inspector Clouseau was probably dead before his car hit the telephone pole and burst into flames.

The President called me at 6:00 this morning.

A dozen countries have offered the services of their finest detectives, but the President made it painfully clear that this must be solved by Frenchmen, and quickly, or we can all hand in our resignations. I spoke with Dr. Laprone at the hospital, and he assures me that Dreyfus is completely cured.

It's amazing.

I've seen some lunatics in my time, but they were all pikers compared with Dreyfus.

He was like a wild animal!

Didn't he actually bite you?

Oh, yes. On the leg.

I had to take rabies shots, just in case.

Well, the doctor swears that his recovery is complete.

He said that in the last 12 hours, Dreyfus has literally become a new man.

Well, thank God for that, because we need him.

If anyone knows about Clouseau and who might have murdered him, that man is former Chief Inspector Charles Dreyfus.

Isn't it fantastic, Doctor?

Reinstated at my former rank, with no loss of pay or social benefits.

Yes, it could actually be called a psychic rebirth.

I'm in your debt. I shall be eternally grateful.

I only helped. I led the way.

But in the final analysis, it was your victory, Charles.

Our victory, Paul.

But only at the expense of another.

Huh? Oh. Clouseau, you mean.

It could be said that he died so that you might live.

I wish I could feel sorry.

You feel no guilt? None.

To be honest, when I first heard he was dead, there were a few moments when I was actually convinced I was in a state of grace.

Is that wrong? It isn't a matter of right or wrong.

Look, I-- I hated him.

He literally drove me out of my mind, as you know.

Isn't it natural that I should feel happiness, even joy, at the thought of him being dead, out of the way and gone forever?

Natural, yes.

But there is a danger that such feelings might promote guilt.

Clouseau would come back and haunt you.

I have no guilt. Not now.

Not ever. Clouseau is gone, and I am free forever.

Now, have a cigar. Thank you, Charles.

Well, I've made all the necessary arrangements for your release.

The Sûreté is sending a car for you to be picked up at 5:30.

Remember, you're on probation for 12 months.

If you have any problems, call on me immediately.

Thank you, Paul.

Listen to me, Officer, you are making a most serious mistake.

Unless you release me immediately, I will personally see to it you are transferred to Martinique where you will spend the rest of your natural career writing traffic citations and checking parking meters.

The man who was killed in that car, my car, Cato's car, was not me.

He was wearing my clothes. Yes! These are his clothes.

I am Chief Inspector Jacques Clouseau.

Miss or Mrs.? You fool!

The President himself, when he decorated me said, "Clouseau, you are a man of courage," and he called me the greatest detective in all of France!

You charlatan! Impostor!

All right. Calm down, Mr. Poirot.

Poirot? Yes.

Yes, but you can call me Hercule.

And I am the greatest detective in all of France, the greatest in all the world!

That man is obviously crazy. We do not use that word round here.

What do you normally use round here?

Now, now.

He is very "now, now", I can tell you that.

Court order.

I shall need your signature on the transfer document.

Ninety days comprehensive...

Thank you. Psychiatric examination.

Hey! Hey, p--


Peekaboo?

Your car's at the entrance, Inspector.

PSYCHIATRIC CLINIC

Goodbye, Chief Inspector Dreyfus.

Good evening, Chief Inspector Dreyfus. Good evening, François.

It's good to have you back on the job, Chief Inspector.

Is it true that you will personally take charge of the Clouseau investigation?

Yes, yes. You must feel torn.

On the one hand, it is your duty to send the guilty parties to the guillotine for killing Clouseau.

On the other hand, I am sure you'd rather congratulate them, eh?

Can you imagine? A state funeral for that idiot?

The President, dignitaries from all over the world will be coming.

Why, there's a rumor the Pope might even show up.

Pope?

"Poop"? What?

You said, "poop".

Do you have a cold? Yes, yes. Yes, I have.

I have the cold in the chest, you know. Yes, yes, yes.

You sound terrible. Do you want me to send you a doctor?

No, no, no, it's much better than it sounds.

Anyway, I want to go directly to the Clouseau apartments to commence the search for the clues, you know.

Yes, sir.


Is this the Clouseau residence? Yes.

This is also the residence of the Clouseau manservant, Cato Fong?

Yes.

Then be so good as to tell him that I wish to have speaks with him, would you?

And who should I say "wish to have speaks" with Mr. Fong?

Tell him it is an old friend.

Mr. Fong has many old friends.

Listen, you, tell him it is Chief Inspector

Clouseau.

Why didn't you say so in the first place? Please come in.

Good evening, and congratulations. What?

You are our first Caucasian, and that entitles you to a 10% discount until midnight.

Who are you? Mrs. Wu. But you can call me madam.

Yes? Inspector Clouseau.

Please come in.

Madam. Welcome.

Good evening. Please, make yourself at home.

That man just called himself Inspector Clouseau.

It was Mr. Fong's idea, but personally, I think we should have a better password.

Password?

Madam, I demand to know exactly what is going on in here.

Well, just about anything your little heart desires.

But first, why don't you relax?

Give Benson your hat and your coat, have a drink, get to know the girls, and then, when you are up to it, you can choose from a wide variety of exciting little diversions.

But I see that you already have a preference.

Allow me to introduce Tanya, the Lotus Eater.

What else does she do?

I warn you, Tanya, the Easter Lotus, I am opposed to the women's libs.

Man is the master, and women's place is in the home.

And another round-eye bites the dust.

Cato!

Cato!

Take your hands off me, you Oriental fool! You are under arrest!

Anything you say will be taken down and used in evidence against you.

Arrest?

You have the right to remain silent, but let me tell you this, I am not your ordinary, run-of-the-mill transvestite.

Say no more! What?

What was that talk about arresting us? Yes.

He was just kidding, weren't you, boss? Boss?

I used to work for him. He used to be a cop.

A cop?

Tell them you were kidding, boss.

Yes, he is right.

I was just kidding.

Cross my heart and hope to meet you again sometime.

And you, madam. And you, too.

You two should be ashamed of yourselves.

And you! I want to talk to you, Cato!

Here. Come in here. Listen now!

Please, boss! I thought you were dead!

So, as a tribute to my memory, you open up this-- this Chinese nookie factory!

I had to do something to keep busy.

Besides, a first-rate joint like this can make as much as 300,000, 400,000 a year!

Is that net? No, gross.

But even so, a smart operator can clear himself a couple of hundred grand, and that ain't exactly chicken feed. No.

No, and 10 years on Devil's Island ain't exactly the chicken's feet either, my greedy, little yellow pimp.

Ow!

Well, I'll have to close up anyway, now that you're alive.

Yes. Yes.

Normally, that is precisely what you would have to do.

But these are not normal times, Cato.

Someone has just tried to kill me. That's normal.

Ah! But this time that someone thinks he has succeeded.

Except for you and me, the whole world believes that I am dead.

And in this case, death has its advantages.

No one will know it is me as I glide through the underworld like a shadow.

Good evening, Commissioner. - Charles!

I, uh...

Thank you.

I'm sorry to be late, but as you must have heard, some lunatic was hiding in my closet. Yes. Russo.

Russo?

Russo.

Ah!

Ah, you remember?

Why wouldn't I remember? It was only three years ago.

Of course. Claude Russo.

Alias Claudine Russo. Armed robbery, dressed as a woman.

But he got five years.

He was released on parole three months ago.

Ah, so it could have been Russo.

He's clever.

Clever enough to fool François?

I like François, but fooling him no longer constitutes an act of more than average cleverness, shall we say?

I always thought he was rather a good policeman.

When he was my assistant, he was a very good policeman with a bright future.

But then he was assigned to Clouseau. Oh, now, now, now, Charles.

- All that's in the past. Yes, of course.

Tomorrow morning, when they plant him six feet deep and shovel in the dirt, I shall be truly free.

Unless he's figured out a way to come back from the dead, nothing that anyone does or says about him will ever make any difference again.

Shall we do some work? Well, that reminds me.

What is it?

The Chief thinks that you should give the eulogy.

The what? The tribute.

Me? You knew him intimately.

I hated him intimately.

But you're the expert who is going to track down his murderers.

I'm the expert who would love to-- to kiss his murderers!

Don't you understand?

Now, now, the PR people loved the angle.

It's sacrilege! I won't do it. Politics.

No, I'm a good Catholic.

So is the Chief's wife. I don't care.

What's she got to do with it?

She wrote the speech.

Ladies and gentlemen, honored guests, dear friends.

"We are gathered here to say

"goodbye to a, uh...

"a great man.

"Not only was he a model police officer, "a brilliant detective,

"admired and respected by his fellow officers

"and all those who were fortunate enough...

"...enough...

"enough to know him, "he was, above all else,

"a modest man."

"His kind will not pass this way again, "and our loss is surely

"heaven's gain."

Present arms!

Fire!

Fire!

Fire!

Get rid of that woman. We'll talk about it later.

I want your answer now, or I sue for divorce.

I'm warning you, Therese.

What are you going to do? Have me killed?


Gentlemen.

You will be relieved to know that our friend in New York was very impressed by our little demonstration.

It was a good idea, Guy.

The Gannet transaction is on again.

The same delivery date?

Unless something is happening I don't know about.

I spoke to Hong Kong. They say the Gannet's right on schedule.

Good. That means, gentlemen, that this time next week, we can declare ourselves a very healthy dividend, letting our international colleagues know that the French Connection is back in business.

In the meantime, I'll be out at the farm, and I do not want to be contacted except in extreme emergency.

Meeting adjourned.

Guy?

Stick around, will you? I might need you. Right.

Miss Legree, would you come in here for a moment, please?

Well, now, what's wrong with you?

We have to stop seeing each other.

Your wife?

Mhmm.

That witch. Okay, how long this time?

I'm afraid this time permanently. Permanently?

Permanently? Yes.

Permanently? Well, look, she gave me an ultimatum.

What could I do? An ultimatum! What do you mean?

You're sitting like you don't have any choice in this matter.

Well, I haven't. Well, you have, too! Get rid of her!

Get rid of her? My own wife? Yes! Get rid of her!

Your own wife! Get rid of her! Out! I can't...

Why can't you do that? Well, she's got enough evidence in her safety deposit box to ruin me and her attorney has been told that if anything accidental happens to her, to take the contents in the box and give to the authorities!

Well, then, get rid of the authorities!

Get rid of the authorities? Yes! Get rid of the authorities.

What do you think I am? Well, then, get rid of her attorney!

Get rid of her attorney? Get rid of her attorney!

I couldn't afford the scandal. A scandal? I'll show you a scandal.

Oh, no! Just a minute! I'll show you a scandal!

It's not that I love her. You know that I don't love her.

I just... I need her respectability.

Permanently? Yes.

You mean, six years together just like that? Just washed up, just over with?

I'm afraid so. I'm sorry. Well, that's just wonderful, isn't it?

That's just... And you obviously can't go on being my secretary now. Obviously.

But I have deposited a substantial amount of money in your bank account...

Use it, then, Philippe. I don't want your money!

Well, what do you want? I don't know what I want.

But I'll think of something!

Leaving early, Miss Legree? Later than you think, Mr. Algo.

Something you want me to do?

Not unless she decides to be indiscreet.

If you have to, just be sure you make it look like an accident.

Ahoy!

Lower the kipper!

Hello out there, in the fog!

Don't worry, here, though.

It's only an old, salty Swedish sea dog out there from the salty seas, you know.

Pumping the air in the parrot.

Naughty bird afraid of the fog.

Swine leg!

Hello, Inspector.

Chief Inspector.

I'm working under the covers, you know. No one must suspect a thing.

What do you have of special interest to my secret investigations?

There's something big going down at Le Club Foot.

Le Club Foot? Remarkable.

Keep your...

Keep your eyes and ears peeled and keep in constant contact.

I am extremely grateful for this excellent piece of information.

There she blows!

Once again, I thank you for this most useful tip, and if there is anything I can ever do to repay you...

Now that you mention it, Chief Inspector.

You mean the line in the hand?

All the dark strangers coming in the village...

Sixteen chests on the dead man's rum Yo-ho-ho and a bottle of the chest Drink to the devils and down for the rums

Give me some more.

Yeah, give me some more.

All right.

Woo!

Come on!

Yeah! It's started!

♪ If you mess around with woman, boy, your wallet takes a trimming. Move em out. ♪

♪ Move em out. ♪

♪ Better listen to me ♪ She's coming in now.

♪ Move em out ♪

♪ Move em out ♪

- Bonsoir, Vic. How you doing, Simone?

Mr. Toledo, Mr. Vancouver.

Hello. What's happening?

Vic, you can show us to my usual table.

How about something nearer the floor? Easier for dancing.

No, thank you. No, thanks. I want my usual table.

Is something wrong?

Well, I mean, it is Mr. Douvier's table, now, ain't it, love?

Well, no, it really ain't, love.

But, I mean, if you're worried about Mr. Douvier, why don't you go give him a call?

I mean, I wouldn't want you to get in trouble with your boss.

He ain't my boss. He ain't?

Well, then why you paying him all that money every month?

Now, that ain't cool, baby.

You ain't seen nothing yet. Come on, love.

♪ You better listen to me Move em out. ♪

♪ Move em out, Move em out. ♪ Where are we going? We don't want to be obvious.

We're going to make our entrance through the back way in disguise, as I told you, you fool.


Get up here. Get up here!

It's a bakery. I know that. I know that.

Come on. At least you're not yellow anymore.

Now, this time I'm going to stand on your shoulders.

What good would that do?

Because I'm taller than you are, you fool.

Oh, yeah. Make a cradle.

Get rid of that.


I can't reach it.

You'll have to find something to stand on.

Yes!

All right! Let me see you, baby! Come on!

Groovy, baby!

No! Ow!

Wait! Let me go!

Can you reach it? Yes.

Merde.

Hey! Yeah?

Are you okay? No!

Hey, you know something? You're terrific. What?

You're terrific! You saved my life!

Come on with me now. Where?

Well, over here. I wanna save your life.

Let's go. Come on. Oh, God.

Listen, you better come with me before the killers see us.

What killers? The killers.

I'll tell you when we get to my apartment.

What apartment? My apartment.


My God!

Mine, too.

I'm soaked to the skin.

Yes. Yes, I have received considerable soak also.

Listen, you'd better get out of those wet clothes before you catch your death of pneumonia. - Yes.

What shall I do with my coat? I don't want to spoil your beautiful...

Oh, just put it down anywhere. Put it on the floor. That's fine.

All right. Yes.

Help yourself. Cheers!

I'm gonna change. Yes.

I'll bring you a robe.

I'll put on some music.

You know, it's strange. - What?

I say, it's strange.

Yes, I know. And I said, "What?"

Oh, you mean, what is strange? Yes.

Yes, yes.

It's strange that I have never yet set foot in this building, but I have the distinct impression that I have been here before.

Déjà vu. I have it all the time.

The old déjà vu. Thank you. Oh, you're welcome.

You okay? Yes.

That feels good.

Well, you know, it's not gonna do you much good if you don't take your pants off.

What? You gotta take your pants off.

I forgot about that.

Look at me. Look at me. Look at my...

Look, I'm shaking like a leaf. Yes. Yes.

I can't stop shaking. I don't know...

I know what it is. You know what it is? What?

I just, I'm just not used to being killed.

I mean, that's my first time, you know?

I know. But listen, when you have been killed as many times as I have, you get used to it, believe me.

- Really? Yes, yes, yes.

Yes, indeed. I'll put this here, keep it nice and warm.

Well, cheers. Cheers.

Cheers.

Oh, this is for you. Oh, yes. Yes, of course.

Then this must be yours. Oh, thank you. Cheers.

Cheers. Cheers.

Yes. Anyway,

you have nothing to fear.

Yes, I have. No, you don't.

Yes, I have. No, no, you don't.

Yes, I have. No. You see, I am an officer of the law.

The "loo"?

What?

You said you were, "an officer of the loo"?

That is correct. Yes, yes. I am a Chief Inspector of the Sûreté.

What?

You doubt me?

No, I don't doubt you.

Why should I doubt you? That's right. Why should you?

If you say so, I don't.

Who were those two men who tried to kill you tonight?

Killers. Killers? How do you know?

I know because I worked for Douvier. Douvier?

Douvier. I know that name.

Of course you know that name. Everyone in France knows that name.

He's a millionaire businessman.

Yes, of course. Douvier, the millionaire businessman.

I knew, I knew him. Yes.

But how many people do you think know that Douvier, the millionaire businessman, is also Douvier, the French Connection?

How many?

Well, I suppose his mother, for one.

And why do you suppose he wanted to have me killed?

Elementary. He wanted you dead.

Ah! Me? Dead--oh!

It's nothing.

Just a slight singe. Are you all right?

I'm sorry about your robe. Oh, that's all right.

Tell me about this Douvier.

I was his mistress, and I was his private secretary for two years.

I know enough about Philippe to send him to prison for his whole life.

You keep talking about this Douvier.

But Philippe? Who is Philippe?

Philippe Douvier.

His son? Whose son?

Douvier. He has no son.

His brother, then. His brother's name is Fred.

Then it has to be his father. His father's dead.

Ah! Now we're getting somewhere. Then who killed him?

No one. He died of natural causes.

Then who is this Philippe?

I wanna see some identification.

What? Right now.

Right now, I wanna see some identification. If you're not a policeman, then I shouldn't be telling you any of these things.

Can you keep a secret? I don't know. That depends.

Then brace yourself for what I am about to tell you.

I am none other than Chief Inspector Jacques Clouseau.

No, you're not.

Yes, I am. No, you're not.

I am. You're not.

I am. You are not! You are not!

Look. No, you are not.

Yes, you are.

Oh, my God.

Yes, I admit it's not a very good photograph, but...

But I saw your funeral on television.

Yes, yes. Even the Pope was there, you know.

Cheers. Cheers.

But if you're not dead, who's dead?

A wandering transvestite took my car and stole my clothes at gunpoint.

I have been working under the covers tracking the killer.

The killer's Douvier. What?

Yes, he wanted to impress the godfather.

What? You mean Douvier killed a wandering transvestite just to impress his godfather? Yes!

The man's unthinkable! The door.

What's wrong with it? I saw the knob turn.


Oh, hurry!

I wonder whose apartment this is. Oh, God, I don't know.

The other one's probably upstairs waiting in my room.

The other one? How do you know there's another one?

Philippe's assassins always travel in pairs. It's a company rule.

Do you know what the Gannet transaction is?

The Gannet transaction, what is that?

It's a code name for a 50-million-franc heroin sale.

Fifty million francs?

Yes, Philippe's going to Hong Kong on Tuesday to meet with the American buyer.

Hong Kong?

I don't know how it fits in, but the Gannet's a boat.

What are you doing?

Now I know why this place looked so familiar.

Why? Chief Inspector Dreyfus lives here.

I think he has received a faint.

Wake up, Chief Inspector. Wake up.

Chief Inspector.

Hello? Are you in there, Chief Inspector?

Hello?

There's no reply. It's no use.

I think we will have to go to Hong Kong without him.

We? Yes.

You, I and Cato, who will translate for us.

Not me. Not me. I am not going to Hong Kong.

Are you kidding me? Douvier would shoot me on sight.

Not if he doesn't recognize you, and he won't.

Why not?

We will leave that up to the great Balls.

The great balls?

At your service!

Please forgive the condition of my establishment, but as the Inspector knows...

Chief. Chief Inspector knows...

Auguste! Ah!

I'm so sorry. I beg your pardon.

But as the Chief Inspector knows, we were bombed.

Sounds like you still are.

Almost all my collection was either destroyed or damaged.

Starting Monday, I have to have a fire sale.

Yeah!

You could call it "The Great Balls of Fire Sale."

A catchy suggestion! Yeah, it's good.

Cunny!

I can't tell you how good it is to see that you are still alive.

It has been my privilege to serve the good Inspector, the Chief Inspector, for all these many years.

Thirteen, to be precise.

And his reported demise was a real blow to me.

Something's coming.

Yes, yes, Cunny, you are not dreaming.

Our friend, our customer, is alive!

Hello, Cunny.

Now, how can I serve you?

Well, I... "Through wind and mud, snow and hail, "whether long or short, dark or pale, "remember that when duty calls, "you've got Balls."

I gotta sit down.

Yes, yes, of course, of course. Cunny! Cunny! Cunny! Quick!

Please, please, please! Come along. Come along.

That's right. That's right. There you are. You sit. You sit.

Come, come, come. Sit, sit, sit. You're not serious?

There has been no time to get the new furniture.

Please believe me since the blast, he's much more comfortable. Please, sit.

As a matter of fact, I've been sleeping on him.

Chief Inspector?

I am leaving for Hong Kong first thing in the morning.

Hong Kong?

Do you think you could pick me up some cheap coolie hats?

My dear Auguste, I need your best Hong Kong disguise.

Also, I will need something extra special in the godfather line, you know?

Doctor, please, you must help me.

Is Clouseau real, or am I going mad again?

What do you think? What do I think? What can I think?

If that nincompoop is really alive, and the things I heard are true, he'll probably be decorated again for rounding up the biggest drug ring in France, and I'll be a laughingstock.

That sounds reasonable. What are you going to do?

What choice do I have?

I either commit myself and come back to be locked up in here, or...

I go to Hong Kong.


Listen, I don't think I can do this.

Of course, you can. Of course, you can. Just think yellow and follow me.


Mr. and Mrs. Lo Kee.

You stupid, clumsy oaf!

What the hell do you think you're doing?

You've absolutely ruined my suit!

Why the hell don't you look where you're going?

I'm Mr. Algo. When Mr. Scallini arrives, have me paged in the bar.

Certainly, Mr. Algo.

Who is gonna pay for my suit?

See that man? See that man that was right there?

That's Guy Algo, Philippe's right-hand man.

This Scallini must be Mr. Big from New York.

Listen, we'll go up to the room.

You stay here 10 minutes. Then tell Mr....

Algo. Right. Yes, Algo. Yes.

That Mr. You-Know-Who has arrived and bring him to the room.

Mr. You-Know-Who? Right.

I will be Mr. You-Know-Who. Get it?

Right. Come, Ming Loy.


You got a reservation for Scallini.

Page Mr. Algo in the bar. Tell him Mr. Scallini's here.

Yes, sir.


What do you think you're doing? Mr. Scallini in lobby.


- Cochon. No, no. Fongool.

Hey, you heard what I said to him? Yeah.

Dumb Frenchman! Cochon.

That means pig.

I'll tell Mr. Scallini you're here.

Listen, boss! Not boss. It's me. It's me.

Where is he?

He's in the bathroom getting into his godfather's disguise.

Algo's in the next room.

Scallini's just down the hall in the Tang Suite.

Marvelous. We rode up with him in the same elevator.

Maybe I can reach him before he contacts Philippe.

What are you going to do? I'm not sure.

But you get in there and keep your eye on Algo.


Ice? Please.

Soda? Yes.

I hope it's not too strong.

I'm sure it will be fine.

Hey!

Ay! Mama mia.

Spaghettini del Al Pacino!

Ay! Kowloon Ken and me have got a little business to talk over, you know.

We won't be long.

Have another drink.

Where is she? I don't know.

Get out!

Hello, Mr. Marchione. Hey.

Come on in. Thank you. Thank you very much.

Can I get you a drink? Oh, no. Nothing, thank you.

It's, uh... Simone. Oh, you really have a good memory.

Yeah, well, I never forget a pretty face.

Hey, boss. This is Simone.

That's Douvier's personal... Secretary. How do you do, Mr. Scallini?

We never met before. No.

No, if we meet before, you call me Julio.

That's a nice hand. Oh, thank you. That's only the right one.

You type, too? 100 words a minute.

I may faint.

Listen, Mr. Douvier has asked me to apologize. He's going to be a little late.

If you like, I'll be happy to keep you company until he arrives.

If I like? Does my mother cook spaghetti?

To the Gannet transaction.

Shall I tell Douvier we're on our way?

Don't forget the money.

What?

Throat?

Back?

Choking!

You want me to hit you on the back?


We're on our way.

Mr. Douvier will meet us in the lobby. Yeah. Great. Great.

Is that it? Yeah.

Fifty million francs and no bodyguard? Listen, buddy, I take care of my body, my body takes care of me.

You know what I'm driving at, you know?

I'll buy some cigarettes, huh? Yeah, smoke a few.

When Douvier shows, I'll meet you in the lobby.

Right.


Hey! Be right with you.


What the hell is going on here?

Lee Kee Shipyards.

Where did he go?

I think they're going to Lee Kee Shipyards.


You see this? I can tell by your heart line that you're a very passionate man.

You see how long this is?

Keep watching. It's going to get longer.

Hello? - Lee Kee Shipyard. Douvier.

It was Douvier.

And the doorman heard him tell the driver to go to the Lee Kee Shipyard.

Something is cucuzza around here.

Your boss and a couple of boys just left the hotel.

Really? I wonder why they did that.

You got me. Why don't we go ask him?

Yes. Okay. Yes, I understand.

Okay, yes.

Douvier left the hotel about five minutes ago.

He was with two men.

He told the driver to go to the Lee Kee Shipyard.

I'm sure it was that nincompoop!

I'm sure Mr. Douvier didn't intend to be gone very long.

Well, we'll see.

Well, it doesn't make much sense, does it?

I mean, if you leave, and then he comes back...

Stop worrying. You'll give yourself wrinkles.

What about this Lee Kee Shipyard?

Perfectly legitimate, as far as I know.

They build a line of expensive power cruisers and sail boats.

Maybe Mr. Douvier is just buying himself a yacht.

Lee Kee Shipyards?

Yeah, that's what the come si chiama said.

Come si chiama. Lee Kee.

Come on! Move it!

Get them off me!


This is Mr. Chow, our Far Eastern representative. Mr. Scallini.

It is an honor to meet you, Mr. Scallini. You remember Mr. Algo, of course.

Shall we go? This way, please.

After you launch the boat, we'll go up to Mr. Chow's office, and you can sign the ownership papers.

Everything legal and above board. Above the board, yes, yes...

Where is it? You know... Well, I understood you were told.

No, I was... I've been told, but checking, you know.

In the keel. Oh, the old "keel" ploy. Yes.

Now all you have to do is sail her around the Caribbean for a while, haul her out of the water, take the midsection out of the keel, and voilà.

Forty kilos of the finest merchandise your experts have ever tested.

Well, I tell you, it better had be the best merchandise, 'cause my experts certainly have tested some.

We have faith in our merchandise. That's good enough.

Now, would you like to launch her? I would be delighted, you know.

September, a good month for the vintage.

Congratulations!

He must be a cop! Get him! Get him!

Hey, boss!

Look out, you Oriental idiot!

What do you think you're doing?


Jesus Christ!

It's me! I know!

Wait!


Hey, hey! Cancel the artillery.

I don't care! I don't care! Why don't you just get out of my way?

Hey, Al, where are you? How do I know?

Well, wherever you are, this is Chief Inspector Clouseau, and I am warning you that if you are not careful, I will arrest you all in the name of the law!

You and your bright ideas.

Let me get my hands on you. Let me get my hands on you.

- Clouseau? Yes?

- Are you wounded? No!

Fortunately, I was saved by the darkness.

So what we need is more light.

Look what you did to my shoes! I'll kill you!

All the time! I won't cut it out!

Hello, Philippe.

Simone! What the hell are you doing here?

I'm waiting for the firecrackers to go off.

What firecrackers? The ones I just stuck in your pants.

Woah!


Hello! I'm so sorry I'm late. I was a little worried.

I had some rather important police business to attend to, you know.

And everything's all right? Yes, absolutely fine.

Allow me to let you in the car.

Please. It's beautiful.

It's rather neat, isn't it?

I call it the Silver Hornet.

Yes, service, service.

It's a little overdue for a service, unfortunately.

Perhaps it's better to leave that there.

Well, it's a beautiful night. Why don't we walk?

What an excellent idea.

I'm sorry about that. Yes, that's quite all right.

My goodness, you look ravishing tonight. Yes, I know that.

You know that? Well, yes, I know that.

Yes, I knew that you knew that. Yes. You did? I knew you knew I knew that.

What made you decide to become a detective?

Well, it's not something one decides every day of the week, you know.

But in my case, it began when my great-aunt was kidnapped and held for ransom by an unlicensed Armenian phrenologist.

An Armenian phrenologist?

Yes, you know, a man who reads the bumps on your head.

- The "beumps"? What?

- You said "beumps"? Yes, yes.

- Have you ever had your bumps read? I don't think so.

I would guess that your bumps would make excellent reading.

Would you mind if I read your bumps someday?

No, I don't mind.