Ride (2018) Script

Let's get started.

Drive safely.

Hello, James.

You have one new ride request.


Ride accepted. Let's ride.

As the sun goes down and the lights come up on Los Angeles, you begin to hear the true voices of the city.

It's 10:06 p.m., and this is the Voice of L.A.

In 300 feet, make a right turn onto Vine Street.

Today what we'll be discussing is the "big break" and whether an actor can have multiple big breaks, just one, and is there a time in our career where we can miss our shot, which that big break is never gonna come again.

In 300 feet, make a left turn.

In 300 feet, make a right turn onto Franklin Avenue.

You have arrived.

And thank you for tuning in with us tonight.

Stay warm out there, L.A.

Hey, Jessica?

Yeah, that's me. I'm your ride.


James. Nice to meet you.

All right.

Where to?

? Just when I thought I'd seen it all ?

? You came along to rescue me ?

? You read my writing on the wall ?

? You found my bottle in the sea ?

Hey, do you want a water or some gum?

Do they always make you say that?

They do.

But in your case, uh, I mean it.

Uh, no. Thank you. I'm okay.

How long you been riding with us?

About six months.

I use it a lot between, you know, not wanting to park and wanting a couple drinks.

Yeah, that's cool.

I'm not, like, deeply passionate about it or anything, but it's nice to think that, you know, because of what I do, there's less drunk drivers out there.

Not that that would be you or anything.

Well, I mean, everybody in L.A. drives drunk.

Oh, come on, not everybody.

Think about it.

Try and name at least person you know that hasn't made a mistake once.

Mm. Yeah. Mm-hmm.

See what I'm saying?

I do. I get you. Yeah.

In 300 feet, make a left turn onto La Cienega Boulevard.

Oh, uh, take Fountain. Oh.


Mae West fan?

Uh, what... what do you mean?

Well, there's this great Mae West interview.

Uh, I think it was Johnny Carson or something.

Whoever it was said, "What's the fastest way to get into Hollywood?" to which she replied...

"Take Fountain."

That's cool. I like that.

? Just when I thought I'd seen it all ?

Um, I, uh, I like your suit, by the way.

What, do you, like, uh, moonlight as a limo driver or something?

I wish.

It was, uh, for this thing that I had before this.

A wedding?

An audition.

Oh, so you're an actor.

Mm-hmm. Unfortunately, yeah.

God, I could never be an actor.

I just... I can't take the rejection.

See, I just had to realize that getting turned down isn't a failure.

Not getting auditions, that's failure.

So you get a lot, then?

Uh, my agents have gotten better at sending me out.

Oh, you're repped?

Mm-hmm. By who?

Uh, Abrams. Mm, you fancy, huh?


They're pretty good. I'm not... They're pretty good.

There was a dry spell, though, like six months of nothing.

That sucks. Yeah, it was rough.

But, um, then they kind of sent me out on this thing.

I think it was, like, the last Hail Mary pass.

Inches from getting dropped, but I booked it.

Oh, what? Congrats!

Thanks. That's so cool.

What, uh... What is it?

Uh, it's no big deal.

It's, like, a guest spot on "Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D."

No big deal? That's a huge fucking deal.

Congrats! That's so cool.

Thanks. It's a henchman.

You know, couple lines, and I took someone's gun.

But still, so cool.

I did start going out a lot more because of it, so...

In 300 feet, make a right turn onto Fountain Avenue.

Um, you should, uh, let me know when it airs.

My roommate, Allie, is a huge Marvel fan, and she's just gonna freak her shit when I tell her that my driver's on "Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D." as a cool villain.

Well, I was... I was a henchman.

I haven't graduated to villain yet.

Well, I believe in you.

Continue for three-quarters of a mile.

Your destination will be on the right.

Here we are.

That was fast.

Hey, when in doubt, take Fountain.

Yeah, exactly.

You have reached your destination.

We hope you had a safe and pleasant ride.

Hey, can I, uh, tip you or something?

We're not allowed to accept tips.

Uh, the app takes care of everything.

Right. Well, uh...

I'll be sure to give you a five-star rating, then.

Right back at you.

Wait, the... the drivers rate the passengers?

Yeah, sure.

Oh, okay. So what's my rating, then?

I wouldn't worry about it if I were you.

Oh, okay.

I'm not gonna leave this car until you tell me what my rating is.

It's 3.5. But it... Fucking seriously?

But it doesn't mean anything. 3.5? People hate me.

I wouldn't worry about it. Oh, my God.

It doesn't mean anything, you know?

Well, how do I... how do I turn this shit around?

Look, you're a five-star passenger in my book.

And that's all that matters, right?

That's all that matters. Mm.

Well, uh, thank you for the ride, James.


Oh, uh, you forget something?

So my friends and I were just grabbing a couple drinks here.

Very, you know, low-key, if you want to come in for a round.

Hello, James. You have one new ride request.

I wish. But I got to drive.

Boo. I know.

Okay, well, suit yourself, but, uh, we'll be here for a couple hours, so if you pick up a big fare, swing by.

I'd love that. Yeah.

Okay. Bye.

"Oh, hey, what's your phone number?

Oh, no, here's my phone number."

Fucking idiot.

Ride accepted. Let's ride.

Continue on Sunset Boulevard for three-quarters of a mile.

Turn left.

Continue on Gower Street for one mile.

Ride canceled.

Loneliness is an emotional state that we have when we're feeling disconnected.

It can cause depression, and it can even lead to premature death.

Oh, wow.

We're spending less time making meaningful...

This is the Voice of L.A.

The time now is 10:45 p.m.

Hello, James. You have one new ride request.

So your parents went with Bruno?

At least people seem to like you.

Ride accepted. Let's ride.

You have arrived.

Uh, hey!

What's up? Are you Bruno?

Who wants to know?

Oh, fuck.

You're my ride. Of course.

Uh, sorry, man. I didn't think you'd get here so soon.

Look, shit got a little messy. Start the meter.

Well, that's... that's not how this works.

Yo, you're looking sharp, bro.

Is that like a uniform or something?

Something like that.

Oh, hey, man. Uh, can't smoke in my car.

Fuck me. So sorry, brother.

Uh, I'm gonna finish this guy if that's all right with you.

You can start the meter. I don't give a shit.

That's actually not how it works.

Oh, well, fuck it.

I'll throw some extra cash your way, make it worth your while.

Can't accept tips, bro.

The app takes care of everything.

I won't tell anyone if you don't.

The thing is, this is a New York pack so the cigs are really fucking expensive.

I know you're thinking I could get the same goddamn cigs here for half the goddamn price, but I don't know what to tell you.

I'm a sentimental guy.

You want one?

Uh, I'm good, man. Thanks.

James, please enter a destination.

Yo, aren't you gonna offer me, like, a... a water or something?

Some gum? What?

That's what you guys usually do, isn't it?


Yo, you want a water?

No. No, not right now. I'm good, man.

Thanks. Maybe later.

Hey, where we going, man?

Straight to business. I can respect that.

LAX? Burbank?

Don't tell me I got to go to Long Beach.

Yo, what the fuck are you talking about, man?

Airports. It's your bag.

Oh. Gotcha.

No, no, no. That's a messy breakup.

I'm actually not sure where I want to go right now.

I just needed to get away from her.

I'm sorry to hear that, man. Breakups are awful.

I love you.

I... I know.


Yeah, brother, they really are.

All right, Bruno.

Where we headed?

Your name's James, right?

I mean, that's what the thing said.

Yeah. That's right.

Ask me again.

Ask what again?

"Where to, Bruno?"

All right. Where to?

Home, James, and don't spare the horses!


I couldn't resist.

I'm sure you get that all the time.

To be honest, uh, you're the first to make the connection.

Oh. It is kind of my specialty, making connections.

I could really go for some of that gum if you've got any.

What? That gum you mentioned earlier.

James, please enter a destination.

All right, Bruno. Where you want to go?

Look, I don't want to put you out, but would you mind taking me to a couple of different places tonight?

It'll be a big fare for you, and I'll throw some extra cash on top.

Look, man, I'm sorry about this, but I just don't have a long ride in me tonight.

And like I said, I can't accept tips.

And like I said, I won't tell if you don't.

That's nice and everything, but I kind of got somewhere I need to be in an hour.

In an hour? Yeah.

My man, you couldn't have made it to LAX to save your life.

Come on, you give me a couple hours, and I will throw $100 on top of the fare.

You need like a minute to think about that?

And the best thing about public radio is there are no commercials.

That'll work. All right.

Let's get fucking rolling.

Now, first, I am feeling majorly down, so I'm gonna need a massive pick-me-up.

Do you know this place Eidobon?

That's "nobodie" spelled backwards.

I'm not sure. It's the spot off Larchmont.

It's on Beverly and Beachwood, south side.

All right.

They do this fucking coffee there.

It's fucking incredible.

Wait, wait. It was started by this guy...

You want coffee right now?

Yeah. Only way to go is up.

Do you have, like, a piece of paper for this gum?



Anyway, so this coffee was started by this guy with this website.

And he was hiking in the Himalayas, and he was on the brink of exhaustion, and he met these monks, and the monks gave him this tea.

And guess what was in the tea. Yak butter.

Fucking butter from fucking yaks.

So he gets back to the States and tries all kinds of shit to replicate it.

And after months of failure, guess what the key was.

What was it? Grass.

It had to be grass-fed butter.

This stuff is ambrosia, bro.

Dude made millions or some shit.

That's cool. You want one? I'll get you one.

Nah, man. I don't... I don't really drink coffee this late.

Why? It makes you feel weird?

Do you know why? Toxins.

Most coffee is full of toxins because the beans are covered in mold.

But this coffee is lab tested. They take all the toxins out.

Mm. Right?

Okay, well, we're here.

Um, okay, cool. Let me finish. Where was I?

They take all the toxins out, and then they brew it as a pour-over, which then they mix it with the grass-fed butter and this special fortified coconut oil.

Dude, if done properly, I defy any fucking barista to make a creamier or more delicious cup of coffee than the one I am about to buy you.

You down?

Dude, you down?

Sure, man, I'm down.

Great. I'll be right back, my brother.

This, is, uh, seriously yak butter?

You like it?

I actually do. Fuck yeah.

Just wait till you see how it makes you feel, my man.

Please enter a destination.

Yo, is there a way to shut that thing up?

It's just gonna keep saying that every 15 minutes.

Well, that fucking sucks.

All right, Bruno, where are we headed?

I want to see if I can crash with a buddy at Wilshire and Westlake.

Okay, well, I'm gonna be honest with you.

I have no idea where that is.

Dude, shouldn't you know this city like the back of your fucking hand?

I can Maps it. I'm fucking with you.

East on Wilshire past MacArthur Park.

I'll be your Sherpa.

MacArthur Park. Isn't that a little sketchy?

What can I say? I hang out with sketchy people.

You're tuned in to 81.3, the Voice of L.A.

All right. So, dude, what's your story?

I mean, what do you do?

I drive for Ryde.

No, that's what you're doing. Nobody wants to do that.

Thanks. Don't pretend you're offended.

People don't get offended by the truth.

You gonna sit there and lie to me, or are you gonna tell me who you are?

I'm an actor, man.

Fuck, that's so L.A.

Of course you're an actor.

Jesus, that's awful.

No, no, no. No. Don't take it like that.

I'm sure you're amazing.

I'm just saying this world, you know, we take our artists, and we make them drive our cars.

Stage or screen?

Yo, you just told me you want to perform for a living.

Don't clam up now.

Well, I went to school for theater, but I'm here auditioning for TV.

Commercials. Whatever.

You're a thespian. Master thespian.

You got any monologues you can reel off?

Come on, man. I'm not fucking with you.

I legitimately love theater.

And there's never anything good out here.

You know Shakespeare? I might've heard of him.

Do a monologue. No.

Dude, do a monologue.

I am not about to reel off a Shakespearean monologue right now.


That's okay. I can respect that.

50 bucks. What?

I am going to pay you an extra $50 to do a monologue from Shakespeare.

A hundred.

Do not fuck with me right now.

Dead serious. A hundred bucks.

Think of it as a favor to me.

And do "Richard III." It's my favorite.

Well, I don't know "Richard III."


I know "Richard II."

Fuck yeah! Now we're fucking talking.

Let's hear that shit! Ah!


Let's talk of graves, of worms and epitaphs, make dust our paper and with rainy eyes write sorrow on the bosom of the earth.

Let's choose executors, talk of wills, and yet not so, for what can we bequeath save our deposed bodies to the ground?

Our land, our lives, and all are Bolingbroke's, and nothing can we call our own but death.

For God's sake, let us sit upon the ground and tell sad stories of the death of kings.

For within the hollow crown that rounds the mortal temples of a king keeps Death his court, infusing him with self and vain conceit, as if this flesh which walls about our life were brass impregnable, and humored thus comes at the last with a little pin bore through his castle walls, farewell king.

Cover your heads and mock not flesh and blood with solemn reverence... throw away respect and tradition, form, ceremonious duty, for you have but mistook me all this while...

I live with bread like you, feel want, taste grief, need friends, and subjected thus, how can you say to me, I am a king?

You are a king.

You're the fucking king, man.

Oh, you should be booking all over the place with that shit.

It's money well spent.


I don't know what to say, man. You liked it?

I liked it?

You're an artist.

That shit comes from the heart.

That means a whole lot to hear you say that, man.

That one's kind of close to me.

Like, I used it to audition for school.

This is gonna sound dumb, but when I think about like what it is that I really want out of life, I just, I don't want to die having not played Richard II.

Broadway? Any stage will do.

Okay, I hate to be that asshole who asks, "Have I seen you in anything?" but...

But would I have seen you in anything?

Uh, well, I did this, uh, guest spot on "Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D."

No fucking way. Yeah.

I bet you were the supervillain.

No. I was a henchman.

I haven't graduated to supervillain yet.

Well, we'll get you there, buddy.

All right, halfway up the block.

Okay, just pull up right here.

All right, here.

Uh, flashers off. Just chill. I'll be like two minutes.

You mind killing the lights, leaving the engine on?

Okay. Is everything all right?

Totally. It's just a sketchy neighborhood.

I get nervous.

So you want me to just, like, just wait here for a second?

Yeah, yeah, yeah, I just need to see if my buddy's home and if I can crash with him.

If not, I might need to roll somewhere else.

You mind waiting? Is that cool?

Yeah, man. It's cool. Thank God.

What are the chances I could ever find another James?

Slim to none.

Slim to none. I hate those odds.

Thanks, dude. All right, man.


Hey, man.

No, I'm... I'm good. I'm all good.

Yeah. I'm sure it's pretty late for you.

It has been a while.

Uh, I'm... I'm driving for Ryde. Yeah.

Hey, listen, I actually wanted to ask you something.

Hey, hang on for a second, Jason.

Yeah, I'm here. My bad.

Um, yeah, when you were... when you were driving, did anybody ever ask you out?

Yeah, like a girl, man.

Yeah, she was beautiful, and we just... we hit it off.

Well, I guess I wouldn't be asking about it, but I... I guess I'm still thinking about her.


Uh, yeah, well, let me... let me call you back actually.

Nah, don't worry about it.


Uh, yeah.

All right. Talk to you soon. Bye.

All right, let's get the fuck out of dodge.

All right. Let's do it.

Can you please do that from the road?

Uh, sure. Trying to make moves.

No problem.

Up next, a local band with a vintage sound.

These guys have been taking over...

So what's up, man? Was your buddy not home or what?

Uh, yeah, he wasn't... he wasn't there.

Park's beautiful this time of night.

No, I mean, it's filled with homeless drug addicts, but it's beautiful nonetheless.

Where are we headed?

Uh, just keep heading west. I'll figure it out.

Yo, you know you've got something on your shirt?

Oh, shit.

Ah, I used to get these fucking nosebleeds as a kid, and the cold weather brings them back.

Here, you want a tissue? No, I'm good, I'm good.

You sure? Yeah.

All right.

Yo, Bruno, when we were back there, did you hear something weird?

Pff, dude, it's MacArthur Park.

Neighborhood is nothing but weird noises.

I'm from out here actually. Where? From MacArthur Park?

No. I'm a L.A. native, though. There are fewer and fewer of us.

We're a dying breed. Like unicorns or some shit.

Hey, uh, I want to apologize for earlier, making you miss your thing.

What thing? Thing.

The thing you had to do an hour after you picked me up.

Oh! It's funny.

Nah, I'd forgotten all about that.

Well sincerely, thank you for missing it, whatever it was.

No problem.

What was it?

Ah, it wasn't important. Oh, shit.

That means it definitely was important. What was it?

Just this girl.

Fuck me! Just this girl? Oh, don't do that.

There are no three words... Come on.

...in the contemporary English language more telling, more loaded, more fucking epic in scope than "just this girl."

Fucking take that, William Shakespeare!

Yo, it's... it's really not that big of a deal, bro.

Give me the details. I'll tell you if it was a big deal.

All right, so before I picked you up, like, I had my first fare of the night, and it was this girl.

Oh, this girl.

So, like, I prepare myself for the usual, you know, try to turn the awkward conversation into witty banter.

But this time it's a little different.

You got a picture. What?

On the app, man. No, that's creeping, bro.

That's unethical. What are you talking about?

What's unethical is to get me this interested and not let me know what she looks like.

"Previous fare."


What the fuck, dude? See that?

I know, right? Look.

All right, man, that's enough.

Anyway, so, like, I really liked talking to this girl.

You know what I mean? She was just no bullshit.

Like, she even made this joke about how everyone in L.A. drives drunk.

Uh, she's not wrong.

Well, yeah, but anyways, at the end of the ride, she invites me to come meet up with her and her friends for some drinks.

Oh, man, that's the dream, dude.

Cabbie gets asked out by a hot passenger.

Jesus Christ. Yeah, man.


Then what the fuck are you doing here with me?

Well, uh, I needed to make some money.

Yo, tell me you got her number.


She got away, like, right before I could.

Oh, bullshit. You hesitated.

I did not hesitate.

I hesitated.

Let's go.

Where to next, man?

The bar, man. What do you mean, the bar?

The bar where the girl said she was gonna be.

Where was it? No! We don't need to do that.

Dude, you caught feelings. We got to go!

No, it was like this little passing moment...

James, I am not gonna be the force in your life that prevents you from hanging out with this girl tonight.

I mean, who knows, man, maybe you're meant... meant to kiss her tonight.

Maybe you're meant to fuck her tonight.

Maybe you're meant to knock this girl up, and nine months from now you marry her to appease her parents, and I'm the best man at your fucking wedding.

Wow. Uh, I'm gonna pass on that last part.

All right, well, I'm offended by that.

But this girl is gonna be more offended if you don't show up tonight.

She's counting on you.

Bro, she could not have actually thought that I was gonna come. Are you kidding?

What world do you live in where a girl invites a guy somewhere she doesn't actually want him to be?

That does not happen.

Right now she is in there making a conversation, faking a fucking laugh here and there.

"Ha ha! Ha ha. Ha."

But all the while she's glancing back at the door.

And in the back of her mind, she's waiting for someone...

Come on, bro. ...to walk through that door.

That someone is you, homey.

That someone is you!

Up next is a song to make some mistakes to.

? Feel a change coming over me ?

? It's a brand-new day ?

? I can clearly see ?

? And the morning when I wake up ?

? Till I sleep at night ?

Oh, we're too late. Look... Look at this line.

Just tell them you're with Bruno Anthony.

You're kidding.

Dude, trust me. All right, here's the plan.

You run in, walk straight up to her, no hesitation.

You say a polite hello to her friends and then ignore them.

And then, very directly, you ask her if she wants to come with you and a buddy... me... to a house party in Malibu.

A little kickback, a few brews, a fucking hot tub.

She'll never go for that.

Tell her that sometimes when we trust our impulses, incredible things can happen.

I'm a total stranger.

Well, a stranger is just a friend you haven't met yet.

We're going to a hot tub in Malibu?

You are goddamn right we are.

Now get in there and bring back a beautiful woman.

It's a tow-away zone. Just leave the keys with me.

What do you think, I'm crazy?

Dude, I couldn't do anything if I wanted to.

The app has my card number. It'd charge me for a car.

Okay, here's a bet.

If you can pull this off, I'll be your chauffeur for the rest of the night.


All right.

You want me to see if she has like a hot friend or something?

Absolutely not. This night is about you.

I don't know if you saw, but there's a little bit of a line.

Uh, I'm meeting Bruno Anthony.

Why didn't you say so? Go ahead.

And tell him I say hi.

Hi! Wow! You finally came.

I did not think you were gonna show.

Oh, it's been a super bizarre night.

You want a drink? I'm actually still working.

Oh. Then why'd you come?

I really liked talking to you.

Uh, I really liked talking to you too.

I mean, the last thing I want is to be one of those smarmy Ryde guys who, like, manages to get a number.

No, no, I don't think you're smarmy.

So I made a good first impression.


Hello, James. Please enter a destination.

So I made a buddy tonight.

He invited me to this party in Malibu with some drinks, a little music.

Apparently there's a hot tub. Ooh.

And I want you to come.

A buddy?

Yeah, his girl left him, and he's kind of piecing things back together, but he seems chill.


I thought it might be a little weird, me coming back here to see you, but sometimes when you trust your impulses, incredible things can happen.

So where did you say that party was at, again?

We'll be keeping the vinyl spinning for quite some time, so don't touch that dial.

? You think you know me, but you don't know ?

? I be at the top, chilling at the place you won't go ?

? Just shine it, lay back, recline it ?

? Do it so easily as if I ain't even trying ?

? Think you could beat me? Never that ?

? Running to the finish like this is the Olympics ?

? Tell me where my medals at ?

? So fresh in my white tee ?

? Cue the beat, ever so feisty ?

? Then pass it to YB ?

? Frantic ?

Dude! Where's your car?

That's not fucking cool, Bruno.

Cops were gonna tow you, brother. I had to make a call.

That's fucking bullshit, man.

Dude, look over there.

Oh, fuck me. A thank-you would be nice.

Hey. Is this your friend?

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, this is him.

Hi. Hi.

Oh, shit, I love this song.

This is a mix.

James still burns mix CDs.

My phone doesn't connect.

That's fucking adorable.

So, uh, for those of us without an app, what is your name, my dear?

Oh, how rude of me.

I'm Jess. How rude indeed.

Jess. What a pleasure.

Wow, so fancy and formal.

Nice to meet you, Bruno A.?

Bruno A. That's me.

All the names in the book your parents could have went with, they went with Bruno?

Beg your pardon! Bruno's a sweet name.

Yo, I'm sorry, man, but I thought the exact same thing.

Oh, backstabber. True colors, James.

Wait, James, why didn't you tell me your friend was a ride?

Yeah, what the fuck, James?

What the fuck, James? You didn't ask!

Dude, I told you to lead with that.

Whatever. It's all equal now. What do you mean?

Well, you were a ride, and now we're all best friends.

Yeah, see, a stranger is just a friend that you haven't met yet.

Wow, this has got to win the prize for the most unintentionally creepy marketing campaign I have ever heard.

But you're still gonna use the app.

Yeah. Okay, then.

Hey! Aw, Bruno...

What's up, Jess? Talk to me, girl.

I don't mean to be that person, but do you mind if I have a drag of that?

Jess. Yes?

You're a self-loathing smoker.

Ugh. If you want a cig, have a cig.

Just don't apologize for it.

Now these are New York cigs, so they're basically worth their weight in gold.

Yo, Bruno... I know what you're thinking.

I could probably just get the same fucking...

Bruno. What is it, James?

Can't smoke in my car.

Yo, I would not dream of it.

I know. You told me before. I absolutely wouldn't.

Jess is gonna smoke in your car, and you're gonna be cool about it.

No, no, no. I really didn't mean...

Jess, don't worry about it. We're gonna crack a window.

He's gonna be tight.

Yo, look at this. End of Fountain.

Bette Davis, you've done us well.

Oh, boy. Ho! Wait a minute.

I think I got you right there, my man.

Here we go.

That was Mae West that said, "Take Fountain."

No, no, no. That's bullshit.

Uh, no, I swear. That's a Mae West quote.

Yo, you should know this. You're an actor.

He told me this story earlier. He told it to you wrong.

Honestly, I thought you were a weirdo.

Oh, really?

So weird that you invited me to the bar.

Why do you think I invited you to the bar?

Yes, because we're all beautiful fucking weirdos.

But the point is it's Bette Davis.

I'll bet you anything. I don't need to fucking bet.

If you're so confident, look it up.

Should I? Please do.

Yes? Okay! Pull out a phone.

Oh, my gosh. We're looking it up.

The moment of truth. Bated breath.

Honestly, James, I don't mean to offend you, but...


Bruno just sounds more convincing when he says it.

Yeah, liars always do.

It's loading. Hold on.

Tell him.

Sorry, James. Oh, suck it, James.

You got to be fucking kidding me.

"The legend has it that when the famous Bette Davis was being interviewed on a talk show, she was asked what advice she had for actors trying to make it in Hollywood.

Her response, "Take Fountain," according to TakeFountainBlog.Wordpress.com.

What?! Wait, hold on. No, no, no, no, no.

Your source is some dude's WordPress?

I-I demand a recount.

You're just lucky we didn't bet, dawg.

? Maybe it's the heat in here ? Oh, fuck yes!

? This is my motherfucking song ?

Holy shit! You got a good voice.

Oh, thank you so much.

I think music, you know, is the way that all of us human beings were meant to express ourselves.


I mean, without a voice, what have you got?

No, seriously. I mean, I-I'm a singer.

I mean, I'm not, like, a singer. You know, I sing, but...

Jess, I knew that about you the moment I met you.

Really? I swear to God.

No way. Aw!

Okay, hey, Bruno, could you slow down a little bit?

Sure. Watch this!

Whoa! What the hell, man?

Construction zone? What the fuck?

You guys should dance.


James. Here?

Ask her to dance right here, right now.

Oh, come on, it's not like you're gonna look back at this night and regret dancing in the middle of Avenue of the Stars on your first date.

Oh! Is this our first date, James?

In that case, you'd better ask me to dance.

I think I'm gonna have to take down my hair for this.

She's taking down her hair, James.

? And I am this great, stable... ?

May I have this dance?

Yes. You may.

Come on.

I can't believe we're doing this.

? My heart's an autoclave ?

Ah! Oh!

Wow, you're a pretty good dancer.

I got a good dance partner.

Oh! Watch out.


Oh! Oh, this isn't your first time.

All right, here. You ready?

Jess, give me your phone.

This is too good. I got to get it.

It's in the backseat.

Yep. Wait, Jess.

Run and jump into my arms. What?

Run and jump into my arms! No!

Hurry up before we get arrested!

Come on. Nooo!


Oh, my God.

That wasn't so bad, right?

Hey, if this were a movie, the sprinklers would come on right now, and y'all would kiss in that fake L.A. rain.

Get out of here, man.

You want to get a drink?

Oh, I love where your head's at.

I know the spot. Whoo!

Right nearby. Let's get some alcohol!

Get out of here.

So ready for a drink. Oh, man.

Wait, so this is the spot?

Yes, this is the spot, Jess.

Look, uh, bottle's on me, but I could also use some cash.

James, do you mind going in for me?

I'd prefer if you did it, bro.

Why? You don't trust me with your lady?

Oh, "your lady"?

One dance, and I'm already your lady?

I'm working on it. Look, just show them this.

They'll give you anything you want.

Get some old fucking blended shit and $500.


What the fuck, man?

Put that shit away!

Okay, you know what?

If you don't, your new friend in the back's night is gonna take a slight turn for the worse.

Don't point that fucking thing at her.

Did you ever see what a .44 Magnum could do to a woman's face?

It'd fucking destroy it. Just blow it right apart.

That's what I could do to her face.

Now did you ever see what it could do to a woman's pussy?

Now, that you should see.

That you should see, what... what a .44 Magnum is gonna do to a woman's pussy, you should see.

I'm fucking with you.

It's from "Taxi Driver."

Thank you.

Oh, you should've seen your faces.

Jess, the child locks are on.

Goddamn it.

Bruno, tell me that that's not real.

Dude, take a look.

Now, if you don't want to come back to a car full of dead girl, I suggest you get a move on.


I don't know who you are or what the fuck you think you're doing, but it's time for you to get the fuck out of my car!

Aah! James!

Ah! Shit!

Open your mouth. Oh, fuck!

James, if you don't open your mouth, I'm gonna shoot you, and then I'm going to shoot her with the gun still in your hand.

And the next time you point a gun at someone, you better be very fucking sure you can pull the trigger, because if you hesitate, somebody's gonna fucking die, and it's not gonna be fucking me!

Let him go.

He'll do it.


I like old blended whiskeys, and I like $50 bills.

Don't you fucking move!

Hold on. Wait a minute, dude. You got this all wrong.

It's okay, Jess. I got your phone.

Can you just take the car and... and go?

I'm not gonna say anything. James isn't gonna say either.

Jess, be quiet. You're missing the movie.

Wait, wait, wait. I need you to listen, please!

Put the fucking gun down! I need you to call the police!

I'll fucking kill you, man!


Uh, how...

It's okay, Jess. Use your words.

H-How do I know that this isn't some fucked-up game that you guys play?

You know, h-how do I know that James is not in on this?

Fucking... just fucking say something.

Can you just say something?

I-I need you to talk to me.

You've got to tell me w-what happened in there.

Wow, am I the only one who feels like things just got a little awkward in here?

I think a drink would break the ice.

James, would you do the honors?

Whoa, whoa, whoa. Whoa. Ladies first.

I'm good.

Jess, James went to extraordinary lengths to procure this bottle for you.

Ugh. Come on.

Mm! Mm! Mm!

All right, enough, enough. Mm! Mm.

Oh, fuck.

There is nothing like a drink and a smoke.

I remember the first time I had them both together.

I was 14.

It was an act of defiance and self-gratification that just perfectly hit the person I was and my place in the world.

And it's never been the fucking same since.

What do you mean?

That nothing's ever as fucking good as the first time.

James, have you tried this?


Enjoy it.

You never will quite the sa... again.


Not even your shitty philosophizing can ruin that.

There you go.

One drink, and your sense of humor is back.

You can give up the buddy shit, Bruno.

I am your buddy, man.

In fact, right now, I'm your best friend in the whole world.

James, I'm really cold.

Do you mind if I borrow your jacket?

Ever the gentleman.

I undid the child locks.

Oh, Jess, if you're cold, we should get going.

It's your turn to drive.

I'm not driving.

Why not?

I thought everyone in L.A. drives drunk.

Good to know James has a big mouth.

Ugh. James.

Come on, James.

You don't want to miss the end of your own date.

Give me another swig.

Whoa. Are you insane?

And I thought I had low regard for human life.


You got dumped tonight, right?

James, you do have a big fucking mouth.

Is that why you're doing this? Because she hurt you?

She hurt your feelings, and... and now you think you're gonna relive your... your old relationship with James and me is... is really gonna...

Darling, your pop-psychology bullshit is not gonna get you out of this one.

Please enter a destination.

Look, you've been afforded an opportunity tonight.

We're conditioned to do what's expected, down to following the GPS instructions that come out of our fucking phones.

But tonight, you get to do otherwise.

I'm sorry.

For what?

For undoing the child locks.

Aah! Fuck!

James, come on!

Run! Run, Jess!



Hold on. Hold on. I-I... I need you to hold the...

You came back for her.

Let's see if she shows you the same courtesy.

I missed you, Jess.

You shouldn't have come back.

We better get Captain America here to a drugstore before he vomits all over his pleather interior and me.

I'm so sorry, James.

I dislocated your shoulder back there, so it's gonna hurt like shit until I pop it back in.

At which point it's gonna hurt even worse.

Is that okay, buddy?

Leave him alone.

Fine, you pop it back in.



It's okay, James. Use your words.

Why would you come back?

Isn't it obvious?

'Cause she's a good person, dawg.

What's she gonna do, leave you here with me?

That's cold.

All right, we're gonna need a few things... painkillers, a sling, and something wooden for James to bite down onto.

Here's how we're gonna do this.

Hi, Bruno. Hey, it's me... Bruno.

Bruno, may I speak to Jess, please?

It's for you.

Jess, would you do me a favor?

Would you keep this on speaker?

And hum something for me so I know you're there.

Can you hand me my purse?

I think it's wedged between the seats.

Looks like you've got some shoplifting to do.

Hop to.

James back here isn't getting any healthier.

Oh, and Jess?

If you bring back any help, I'll kill him.

Can I help you find anything tonight, ma'am?


Sorry, what are you saying?

I'm okay, thank you.


Someone is taking her sweet time.

At least she could've done us the courtesy of closing the door.

It's chilly.

The body of a man found in Hollywood earlier this evening has been identified as 31-year-old Bruno Anthony.

Anthony was a respected club promoter in the Los Angeles nightlife community.

Friends are still in shock at the vicious murder, which the LAPD have determined was the result of blunt force trauma.

Anthony's body was found inside the Hollywood apartment that he shared with his fiancée, Gwyneth Cassidy.

Before his death, Anthony announced his recent engagement to the woman he called "the love of his life."

The couple posted this picture to social media, a snapshot of how he lived his life, friends said, always smiling.

Hey, it was brave, what you did back there.

Misguided, but brave.

Why, man?

Tell me that's not your question.

Why are you really doing this?

"Some men just want to watch the world burn."

That's from "The Dark Knight."

Yeah, I got the fucking referencing.

I want to help you, man.

I don't know. Why does anybody do anything?

What the fuck is taking her so long?

Do you really know what to do about this?

You'll drink something, I'll pop it back in.

It'll be chill.


Just don't pick a fight with me again.

That's a losing proposition.

Hey, don't touch him.

Give me the phone. Get in the front.


Wash those down with that.

Tastes even better when it's free, right?

I think we all earned a nice milkshake for ourselves.

But nothing's gonna be...

There's a Jack in the Box at the end of Sunset.

You ready, brother?

I want to kill you.

Who are you kidding?

You're a good person, dog.

I shot the clerk in the liquor store.


You shouldn't have come back for me.

James, that's very gallant, but for the time being, open your mouth.

Open. You'll thank me later.

Fuck! Oh!

Three, two, one.

Jess, remember when you told us you could sing?

Give us a song.

James back here is looking pretty grim.

He could use some cheering up. No.

Do you know any jazz?

? I got the blues ?

? I feel so lonely ?

? I'd give the world if I could only ?

? Make you understand ?

? It surely would be grand ?

? Baby, won't you please come home? ?

? Baby, won't you please come home? ?

? I have tried in vain ?

? Nevermore to call your name ?

? When you left, you broke my heart ?

? I never thought we'd be apart ?

? Every hour in the day ?

? You will hear me say ?

? Baby, won't you please come home? ?



James, aren't you gonna applaud?

Bruno, will you please just stop?

James, you of all people know how important applause is.

Come on, man. Go on.


Yes! Yes.

Welcome to Jack in the Box. My name is Shawn.

Can I interest you in our late-night stacked grilled cheeseburger munchie meal tonight?

Well, I don't know, Shawn.

Why don't you walk me through the late-night grilled stacked cheeseburger munchie meal.

It's our signature sourdough Jack with a grilled cheese on top, served with two tacos, halfsies curly and regular fries, and a 20-ounce drink for $6.10 before tax.

$6.10 before tax? Sign me up, Shawn.

What kind of drink would you like with that?

Let's do a Dr Pepper.

Will that be all tonight?

Fuck no! Sorry, Shawn. Pardon my language.

You're not religious or anything, are you?

Anyway, I'm gonna get some chicken nuggets for my friend Jess in here.

Would you like the meal or just the nuggets?

You know, fuck it, let's get her some jalapeño poppers too.

Will that be all tonight?

You just asked that, and no.

I'd like to get my friend James something as well.

James, what would you like?

He is gonna have a vanilla milkshake, please and thank you, Shawn.

How are those nuggets, Jess?

It was always my favorite in high school... get high, come up here.

Chicken nuggets.

And a Dr Pepper and curly fries.

That was the order.

That was perfection.

Still mad at your friend James?

He's no killer.

What the fuck are you even talking about?

We watched. That shot came from behind the counter, man.

Probably some paranoid, trigger-happy NRA dickface with lousy aim.

Lucky James.

Why would you lie about that?

Probably to make me think he's capable of killing me.

I don't know.

Can't shit a shitter, James.

These fucking fries are amazing.

James, how's that shake, dude?

I'm just kidding. I don't care.

Let's roll, shall we?

James, please enter a destination.

Where to, Bruno?

Top of Monument, right off Sunset.

All the way to the dead end.

What's there?

A hot tub, obviously.

Please follow the highlighted route.

Honestly, you guys, I'm feeling a little guilty because you both shared some really profound shit with me earlier.

So I want to share something with the both of you, something that's always meant a lot to me.

But I can't do it alone.

There's gonna be some chorus shit that you have to do.

You'll figure it out.

Now, usually I don't do this, but, uh, go ahead and break 'em off with a little preview of the remix.

? Now, I'm not trying to be rude ?

? But, hey, pretty girl I'm feeling you ?

? The way you do the things you do ?

? Reminds me of my Lexus coupe ?

? That's why I'm all up in your grill ?

? Trying to get you to a hotel ?

? You must be a football coach ?

? The way you got me playing the field ?

? So, baby, give me that ? ? Toot toot ?

? Let me give you that ? ? Beep beep ?

? Running her hands through my fro ?

? Bouncing on twenty fo's ?

Come on, fuckers, sing it.

? It's the remix to "Ignition" ?

? Hot and fresh out the kitchen ?

? Mama rolling that body ?

? Got every man in here wishing ?

? Sipping on Coke and rum ?

? I'm like, so what I'm drunk. ?

? It's the freaking weekend ?

? Baby, I'm about to have me some fun ?

? Bounce, bounce, bounce ?

? Bounce, bounce, bounce, bounce ?

? Bounce, bounce, bounce ?

? Come on ?

? It's like "Murder, She Wrote" ?

? Once I get you out them clothes ?

? "Privacy" is on the door ?

? But still they can hear you screaming more ?

? Girl, I'm feeling what you're feeling ?

? No more hoping and wishing ?

? I'm bout to take my key and stick it in the ignition ?

? So give me that ? ? Toot toot ?

? Let me give you that ? ? Beep beep ?

? Running her hands through my fro ?

? Bouncing on 24s ?

? While they say on the radio ?

? It's the remix to "Ignition" ?

? Hot and fresh out the kitchen ?

? Mama rolling that body ?

? Got every man in here wishing ?

? Sipping on Coke and rum ?

? I'm like, so what I'm drunk ?

? It's the freaking weekend ?

? Baby, I'm about to have me some fun ?

? Cristal popping in the stretch Navigator ?

? We got food everywhere, as if the party was catered ?

? We got fellas to my left ?

? Honeys on my right ?

? You bring 'em both together, we got chilling all night ?

? Then after the show, it's the after-party ?

? And after the party, it's the hotel lobby ?

? Around about 4:00 you got to clear the lobby ?

? You can take it to your room and... ?


You have reached your destination.

We hope you had a safe and pleasant ride.

You okay?


You got to be fucking kidding me.

Go, go.

The house. We got to go for the house.

James, hurry. Hold on. Hey.

Hold on. Fuck, he's getting out.


Open the damn door!

Hey, come on, open the fucking door.

Come on. James. James. Somebody help us.

Come on. Let's go. Let's go.


Oh, fuck.


The pool. We need to get in the pool.

Oh, it's a bad idea.

We don't have time. Fuck this thing.

I'm really sorry.

It's okay.

Let there be...

I told you we were going to a hot tub.

Get out.


You can end the ride now.

This is our destination.

I'll be sure to give you five stars in my review.

What do you want from us?

To do just what you said, for God's sake.

Let us sit upon the ground and tell sad stories of the death of kings.


Bruno, come on, man.

You wanted to get in the hot tub, right?

I mean, that's why we're here, isn't it?

I want to go home.

Don't tell me to let you go or that I'm making you stay here or whatever other fake-ass bullshit you tell yourself to justify your fundamentally unsatisfying existence.

Because frankly...

...I won't buy it.

Now, take off your clothes and get in the fucking hot tub.


We have to get the gun.

Damn, bro. You work out?

You too, Jess.


James, you ever kind of wish you were Italian?

Those guys get to say whatever they want about a woman's body, and nobody bats an eye.

Now, get in the fucking hot tub.

I'm gonna take a swig of this. You're gonna need it.

What are you doing?

Oh, "something, something" desperate times.

"Something, something" desperate measures.

I'm not desperate. Jessica.

Tonight you asked your cab driver on a date.

Belittle me all you want, Bruno.

I'm not belittling you.

That's what you are. You drive people around.

You offer them adorable little bottles of water.

You do everything in your power to block the nagging voice in your head that says, "I will never be anything other than this."

And until you acknowledge that, you never will.

So is that what this is about?

You think you're somehow helping us?

You're an amazing actor, James, but no one's ever gonna know that.

Because when the time comes to act, you hesitate.

You told me you just wanted to play Richard II before you die.

And now you're gonna kill me?

Don't be so banal.

Tonight isn't about dying. It's about living.

If we make it to sunrise, you will forever look back on this night and remember what it felt like to be alive.

Now, you get to choose.

Who goes first?

You or her?

Me, Bruno.

Fucking point your gun at me. Great.

Is this Gwyn's house?

What the fuck did you just say?

Bruno A. stands for Bruno Anthony, a dead club promoter they found in Hollywood.

This guy doesn't look dead to me.

I hope I don't look like a fucking club promoter either.

They said he's survived by his fiancée, Gwyneth.

You told us that you suffered from a recent breakup.

I believe that. That's not a lie.

No, the only thing you lied about is how long ago it actually happened.

Go on, Bruno, use your words.

Get out of the tub!

I knew it.

Hey, hey, don't you fucking move, man!

I knew I could get you to do... Don't listen to him.


I knew I could get you to pick up a girl, to commit armed robbery, to kill somebody.

Let's just get out of here!

I guess that somebody's me.

Fuck you!

You said you were just a henchman.

Now you get to be a full-on villain.

Fuck this guy, James. Let's just go.

Do it.

Do it!

Goodbye, Bruno.


Come on!

I thought you were my buddy.

Stay with me, brother.


Hello, James. You have one new ride request.

Ride accepted. Let's ride.

Hello, is this Maria?

This is James. I'm your ride.