Road Trip (2000) Script

Welcome to the University of lthaca. This is it right here.

I'll give you a good tour today. Show you as much as you need to know.

Plus a whole lot more, actually.

This is the main area of the university. You'll be getting used to this area.

This is sort of where you'd congregate with your friends and classmates.

Come in around me, everyone.

Keep close. Don't straggle.

I've had problems with stragglers before, okay?

They get lost in the back. They get hit by trucks.

Okay? It's not pretty.

It's not pretty when it happens.

This is, by the way, the Joseph H. Nelson Memorial Library here, okay?

It was built in the 1600s.

1600s?

It says 1951.

That's the address. Okay? Wise-ass.

That's the psychology department.

Each semester, you'll be expected to volunteer for some experimental testing.

Kind of cool.

When it's your turn, remember to wear loose clothes, no metal, and be prepared to receive several heavy doses of electric current.

They're watching us right now.

Over there is the department of English.

I see most of you speak English already, so we can skip that one.

How long have you been going to school here?

Eight years.

You don't seem to know anything about it here.

This is the worst tour ever.

This is the worst school ever.

I mean, doesn't anything cool ever happen here?

Yeah, cool stuff happens here.

This University of lthaca is the coolest place in the world.

That's because he's probably never been anywhere else.

Go ahead, laugh. Laugh all you want.

But the fact of the matter is, this is the setting for the greatest story ever told. Okay?

It's about this guy I knew, Josh Parker, and his girlfriend, Tiffany.

And it's one of the most fascinating journeys ever.

Josh and Tiffany were always together from when they were really little.

They did everything as a team.

Once when Tiffany was ten years old, she had her tonsils taken out.

Josh stayed in the hospital for three straight days.

They were best friends.

And eventually what started out as friendship blossomed into some serious French kissing and lots of heavy petting.

They spent so much time together that even their dogs started dating.

They seemed destined to be together forever.

But after high school, they faced their most challenging challenge ever, a long-distance relationship.

See, while Josh was enrolled here at the wonderful University of lthaca, Tiffany went off to veterinary school in Austin, Texas.

But they made a pact, a promise to stay true to each other, to talk every day and maintain an exclusive relationship.

But that turned out to be more difficult than either of them had ever imagined.

Tiffany.

Hey, baby. Oh, my God.

You were amazing last night. I never ever came like that before.

Come on. Seriously.

I had to take two birth control pills this morning.

You want to help me study again tonight?

Forget tonight. Come over now.

Let's blow this class off.


Tiffany and Carla can't come to the phone right now.

Leave a message.

Tif, it's me again. Just wondering where you are.

Still trying to get ahold of you. Everything's cool, though.

And I'm sure I'll catch you later. But call me back, okay?

Okay. Bye.

I just wanted to add something before I sent this video off.

I haven't talked to you in a few days, and I'm starting to think you don't like me anymore.

No, I'm kidding.

Hey, guys.

But I am getting a little worried, so call when you can, okay?

All right. Barry says hi.

So give me a call as soon as you can, okay? I miss you.

Call me, okay? Bye.

What's up, guys? Not much.

You? Nothing.

I was just finishing my tape to Tiffany.

Hey, Mitch. What are you doing? Are you hungry?

Are you going to feed him?

No, I'm checking the temperature inside of his cage.

Mitch needs an evenly distributed 85 degrees to survive.

Can I drop a mouse in?

Sorry, Mitch only eats once a week, on Saturdays.

Maybe we could cut a mouse in half and we could feed him half now and the other half on Saturday.

I don't think so.

I thought you had class now.

What time is it? Oh, shit. Can you do me a favor?

When this is done rewinding, will you drop it in the mail for me?

No problem. Just leave it there. Thanks, man.

I'll see you guys later?

Can we please feed him now?

If you overfeed him, he could die.

So?

It'll be worth it.

Josh.

Beth.

What's going on? Not much.

Where have you been? Nowhere.

Studying a lot. I'm starting to question this whole college thing.

No one told me there was going to be this much reading involved.

You going to E.L.'s tonight? Yeah, I'll be there.

I got to run. My class started five minutes ago.

Okay, go, then.

I'll see you tonight.

Yeah. Sorry. Tonight.

So you have a thing for that guy now, is that it?

It's none of your business, Jacob.

I can just tell you like him, that's all.

I'm not having this conversation again. What conversation?

You need to stop all this, okay? You and I, we're not a couple.

We've never been a couple, and we will never be one.

Now, this week I'd like you to think about Plato's dialogues of the middle years.

The Republic, Phaedo, Symposium.

Now, this will all be on next week's midterm so I suggest you read up on it.

Jacob, do you have anything to add?

Just a reminder. The midterm will cover all of the in-class lectures as well as all of the assigned readings.

It will be entirely essay form, so bring legal pads.

I prefer yellow.

It's easier on the eyes.

Thank you, Jacob. And see you all next week for the midterm.

I saw you hitting on Beth.

Not a good idea. She's spoken for.

What?

She'll come back to me. They always do.

So, Mr. Parker.

Do you intend to be ready for this exam?

Yes, sir.

Well, you better be ready because I was looking over the books last night and you need a B on this test just to pass this class.

Actually, I double-checked that, professor. He needs a B plus.

We won't be able to bend on this. Yeah. I got it.

Just copy off someone. I can't.

It's all essays and stuff. If I fail this class, my average is shot.

I might lose my financial aid.

I could not be allowed back next semester.

Well, you're fucked, then.

Come to my party, hook up with Beth and enjoy your last week at college.

I'm not hooking up with anyone. I made a commitment to Tiffany.

I'm invested in this relationship.

Invested? Who are you, Charles Schwab?

Would you listen to yourself?

I would give my life for one evening of consensual sex with that girl.

Look, I've gone this long without cheating. I think I can hold out.

You're already cheating.

Any time you pass up sex, you're cheating on yourself.

Think about it, Josh. You're in college.

The window of opportunity to drink and do drugs and take advantage of girls is getting smaller by the day.

I got to make a call.

You pass this up, it'll haunt you for the rest of your days.

Your dick will never forgive you.

What do you think, little man?

Don't you want to experience something new?

It ain't easy being Josh's penis.

We've been here over two months, and I feel like I'm in a coma.

Stop it.

I wish I was your dick, E.L., because this is torture.

If something doesn't happen soon, I'll pack up my balls and leave.

Enough.

Carla, hi. It's Josh.

I'm sorry to bother you again. Is Tiffany around?

Tiffany is not here.

She didn't sleep here last night again and it would be great if one hour went by when you didn't call.

If she wanted to talk to you she'd call you.

Deal with it.

What a bitch! Does she sound hot?

We've never gone this long without talking.

Something is wrong.

Yeah, she found someone else, just like you should do.

The clock is ticking, my man.

Before you know it, you'll be 40 and having to pay for these kind of girls.


I should really warn you, it's been known to affect your decision-making abilities and lower your inhibitions.

Good, that's the plan.

It is. Yes, that is the plan.

Did you bring some cash? Why?

We've got chicks for sale. What?

Hey, now I'm snappy Got my mojo track Trust me. I've been going to this school for seven years.

And I know the key to a well-rounded college education is experimentation.

Here, let me show you.

This is an auction. Now, remember.

You're not buying the girl.

You are buying her company.

And in no way does a sale constitute sexual relations.

I know. I know, believe me, I've tried.

So anyway, without further ado, let's introduce you to our first person. Laura!

Laura's from Long Island. Her favorite color is blue.

She likes the outdoors and she loves good seafood.

Okay, let's start the opening bidding at five dollars.

Three dollars and fifty cents.

Good God, moneybags, she's not a Happy Meal.

Five dollars. Okay, we've got five.

Do I hear ten? Ten bucks.

Who's got 15? Fifteen bucks for a lovely evening with Laura.

Fifteen dollars.

Okay, we got 15. Who can beat 15? Going once.

Going twice.

Sold to the captain.

There you are.

What's going on? Oh, not much.

You look great. Oh, thank you.

You're welcome.

Listen, Jacob's here, and he's a total psycho.

Can you go outbid him?

You know what? I didn't bring that much money with me.

Oh, no. You don't understand. He's obsessed with me.

See? It's fun, right?

Now, I want you two to kiss each other.

All right, has anyone seen Beth? There she is.

Say hi, Beth.

Can I hear a $5 opening bid for the beautiful Beth Wagner?

Five dollars right here.

Who can beat five? Six.

Seven. Seven, here we go.

Ten dollars.

Going once, going twice...

Fifteen dollars.

Twenty.

Twenty-five.

Who could beat 25? Going once. Going twice...

Twenty-six.

Twenty-six going once. Thirty.

Okay, can anyone beat 26 dollars?

I just said 30.

There must be someone who can beat $26.

Me! Right here!

Sold, to my man Josh for $26.

You heard me. I bid $30 loud and clear.

Your bid didn't count. Why?

Because you're a TA. So?

So this auction is for students only.

Goodbye.

Thanks for doing that. I owe you one.

You owe me more than one.

Do I?

Technically.

Well, are you ready to collect?

I think so.

We're touching.

It's a lot of fun.

We're having a good time.


Who's Tiffany Henderson?

It's just some girl I used to date since I was, like, five.

But that's over now. She blew me off.

Oh, poor baby.

You must be very hurt.

Do you need some special attention?

Well, I am pretty upset.

Did that help?

That helped a lot.

I have an idea.

What do you say?

I don't think so.

Come on. It'll be fun.

I've always wanted to try this.

No.

Yes.

I'm going to interview you.

Fine.

There you go.

What do you look for in a girl?

Well, let's see.

She should be smart and funny and...

That's good, too.

Do you feel better yet?

I feel a little bit better. Yeah, a little.

What else do you look for?

She should be attractive and nice

and topless. And topless.

And she should kiss me.

What else?

She shouldn't stop kissing me. Why don't you keep doing that?

Tiny salmon swimming in a stream

Tiny salmon chasing that impossible dream The mynah bird says

The chimpanzee says

The friendly owl says

But the salmon can only say

And it's sad

Good morning, everyone

Good morning, everyone How are you and you and you?

What are you so happy about?

I don't know. Do I seem happy this morning?

Well, you're bouncing around here like you're Richard fucking Simmons.

You do seem unusually lighthearted today, Josh.

Maybe it's because I had the best time of my life last night, twice and once this morning.

You and Beth?

Shut up. What happened?

No way. You're lying.

I'm not lying.

You can't make out with someone then pretend that you had sex with them.

That's really, really uncool.

I'm not pretending. Forget it!

I know you're lying. I guarantee he's lying.

You want to bet?

Great. I'm going to bet money on something you can't prove.

You videotaped it.

No, I didn't. Give me that.

No way. This is amazing. I was kidding. Give it back to me.

Give me the tape. Come on, Josh.

We're all going to see it sooner or later.

He's got a point.

Oh, no. Oh, no!

Give it to me. No, give it to me.

E.L., no.

Josh, please. We need this.

Okay, listen. Seriously, you can never tell anyone you saw this.

Hit the lights. It's boner time.

Hey, Tif. It's me coming to you live from Ithaca, New York.

I thought I asked you to mail this. But I miss you.

Yeah, you did. I mailed it this morning.

Barry, fast-forward to the horny stuff.

I got a girl Is this the kind of shit you've been sending Tiffany?

Named Tiffany That's you.

Oh, fuck!

What's wrong? Oh, God.

Oh, God, where is it?

Wait a second.

Tell me you mailed the Beth tape to Tiffany.

Yes! Shit!

Oh, no. Oh, no.

What?

Did you make a copy?

Because if you made a copy, we could watch the copy.

Don't answer it.

It's Josh and Rubin. Leave a message.

Hi, Josh. It's Tiffany.

Sorry we haven't spoken.

Listen, my grandfather passed away.

I've tried calling you a few times but no one picked up and I didn't want to leave this message on your machine.

But by now you're probably a little worried, so...

Anyway, I'm at my parents' house helping my mom out.

She's really a wreck.

If I don't speak with you, I'll call you Monday when I'm back at school.

I'll be okay, I just need some time.

Bye. I love you.

That's not fair.

How come she gets to see the tape and we don't?

She gets back there Monday. That leaves me three days to get there.

Get where? Austin?

That's like 10,000 miles from here.

Eighteen hundred.

You want to drive 1,800 miles in three days?

Just fly.

Do you have money for a ticket? I don't.

All right, so we're driving.

You're coming?

What else am I going to do? Stay here and learn?

Road trip.

Just a minute.

Hold on.

He's probably jacking off.

What do you guys want?

Kyle, this is an emergency.

Wait, let me at least go back and call my dad.

Call your dad?

Would you listen to yourself?

You're 19 years old and you're a fucking sissy.

All you ever do is sit in a library and play Myst with those exchange students.

It's pathetic.

No. What he's trying to say is, this is your chance to do something for once.

Be a risk-taker.

Come with us.

You guys are just saying that because you want my car.

No, we've always liked you.

Or you can just give us the car, Kyle.

That would make him a risk-taker, right?

Shut up, all right?

He's coming with us.

Come on, Kyle. It'll be fun.

Aren't you even curious where we're going?

No.

Okay, we're going to the University of Austin.

You sure you don't want to come with us?

I never really liked Massachusetts.

Austin's in Texas, not Massachusetts.

I think you're thinking of Boston.

You've never left this town, have you?

No. Not really.

You should look into that.

That could turn into a debilitating phobia.

Yeah, okay, I'll do that.

Hey, can I feed Mitch?

Actually, you can. But not till tomorrow.

There's a brown box full of mice next to his cage.

Give him one tomorrow.

And no messing around, Barry, okay? Just one.

Yeah, I'll feed him a mouse tomorrow, okay?

Okay. Yeah. You can count on me.

Okay? I'm reliable. Okay?

You guys do good, okay?

Have a good trip, safe trip, safe journeys.

Buckle up your seat belt.

I'm going to feed the snake.

I'm going to feed the snake for you.

So off they went.

They had 1,800 miles to go and only three days to do it.

It was a killer journey to say the least, and it was one that changed them all forever.

The end.

So we'll look over here now...

That's it? This story sucks.

That can't be the whole story. What happened with the tape?

Right. The tape.

Well, like I said, they were on a race against time.


Since we didn't get to see the tape, can you at least describe it to us?

No.

At least admit that Beth is amazing.

I admit it. She's amazing. She's perfect, all right.

There you go.

I don't know why you feel guilty. Technically you haven't cheated.

What are you talking about?

Well, there are these rules that guys have, an understanding as to what exactly constitutes cheating.

Take your situation, for example.

It's not cheating.

It's never cheating when you're in a different area code.

That makes no sense.

Don't look at me, Kyle, okay? I didn't make up the rules.

No. This is legit. I've actually read an article about this.

There's a whole bunch of them. They're like loopholes.

Right? For argument's sake, let's say that you were sleeping with two girls at the same time.

It wouldn't be cheating because they would cancel each other out.

Exactly.

Or if you're too wasted to remember, it is not cheating.

Because if you can't really remember it, it never really took place.

Okay, I've got one. Are you ready?

It's not cheating if you let your dog lick peanut butter off your testicles.

Because it's your dog. Jesus Christ.

You know, because it's your dog. We got it.

Somebody's going to die tomorrow.

That's right. One of you is marked for death.

And first thing tomorrow morning, a chosen one will experience nature's wrath, in all its fury.

Who are you?

I'm Beth.

Are you here for the feeding?

Excuse me?

You're early.

It's not till tomorrow.

You should come back.

It's going to be a bloodbath.

I think I'll pass.

Have you seen Josh?

He went to visit his girlfriend.

Tiffany?

I thought they broke up.

I mean, this girl, who's a friend of his. You know what I mean.

Where did he go?

Austin.

Austin, Massachusetts.

You mean Boston, Massachusetts?

Yeah. That's what I said.

Boston.

The University of Boston in Massachusetts.

He is such an asshole.

I can't believe he just lied to my face like that.

I actually thought he liked me.

How could he do that?

Wait, she was standing around topless?

Girls just don't stand around naked.

Yeah, they do. Okay?

This is my story, okay? Do you want to hear it or not?

It just doesn't make any...

Please. No interruptions. Okay?

So this other girl walks up, totally hot. Okay?

Naked. Really naked.

I know guys can be jerks.

I guess I just thought Josh was different.

I liked him.

Sweetie, listen to me, okay?

They're all the same.

All men are perverted pigs.

All they think about, all they really care about, is sex.

Tits and ass.

You're so right. I feel so used.

Honey, face it. We are all used!

In most men's eyes we are just flesh!

Sick!

It is sick. Think about it, okay? If they had it their way...

Oh, God, I don't even wanna know what would happen if they had it their way.

Do you know what I mean?

But what am I supposed to do now... I mean, he's gone...

You should go to Boston and bust his ass.

Confront him and his little girlfriend.

Face to face... You totally should.

Okay... Show her what an asshole Josh is.

These too.

Kyle, come here for a second.

We're a little short on cash right now.

We need to put this on your credit card.

We'll give you the cash when we get back.

I promise.

I can't. It's my dad's. It's for emergencies only.

Hello. This is an emergency. We need this stuff.

You want us to sleep in the dirt?

I'd say we're officially in no-man's-land.

We've been on this road for over an hour.

This will save us five hours minimum. You can thank me later.

Maybe we should turn around and go back to the interstate.

We're not going back. We're not going back. Have some faith.

It's supposed to be a challenge. That's why they call it a shortcut.

If it was easy, it would just be the way.

Damn it!

Fuck!

I give us about 20 minutes before our first ass-raping.

What now?

If we turn around we'll lose five hours just backtracking.

Turn around? Why? Because of this?

We can make it.

Make it? You mean jump it?

Absolutely not. No way. We're going back.

It can be done.

This incline here is 30 degrees roughly, right?

The factory weight of the car is 1,600 pounds.

Add our weight plus cargo, we're talking 2, 100 hundred pounds.

If we hit this thing at 50 miles per hour, our trajectory will clear 10 feet. Easy.

No way. Absolutely not.

We'll go 60 just to be certain.

We're going back.

This is impossible.

Are you sure?

Of course I'm sure. With physics I'm always sure.

I'm driving.

I don't think you guys heard me.

This is my car and we're not going to be jumping over any rivers.

It's 10 feet.

Bob Hope could jump this in a golf cart.

Look, I can spit across this gap.

Well, better make it 75.

Let's do it. Trust me, Kyle. It's science.

No, you guys.

E.L., get out of my car.

Kyle, in the car. Come on.

We're okay.

You know we need to hit 60, right?

I'm trying. This car sucks. Stop!

Thank you! Yes!

What did I tell you?

Oh, my God.

My father is going to kill me when he finds out about this.

I only said we'd make it across.

I never said anything about the wheels staying on.

What the hell are we going to do now?

I'm totally screwed!

I don't have time to be walking through the woods right now!

We're going to call a tow truck. We'll have the axles fixed.

We'll probably lose half a day at most.

It'll be fine. It's just the wheels.

The minute I think I feel something for someone, they just turn around and screw me over.

Thank you.

Something about Josh. He's just different.

I mean, I feel like we had a connection.

I don't think I'll ever be able to trust a guy.

You shouldn't.

Honey, the last time I trusted a man was back in 1985, and he took off with my sister and my van.

A regular size van.

That was before they started making that minivan crap.

So there's no hope, huh?

Oh, there's hope, but it comes with batteries.

You can keep that.

Oh, God.

Oh, crap.

Listen, guys.

We're going to have to be more careful.

We almost died in that explosion.

I wish I'd died.

I'm serious. I can't die young.

Something tells me the people of Earth are going to need me.

I must live.

Yeah, right. We all must live.

Before we do that, we must figure out how to get back on the road.

We shouldn't be going to sleep right now.

And let's just lay in the indication here and there of some little shadow areas.

But you don't want a whole bunch of color there, just where you think you'll be happy with shadow.

There.

Maybe right here.

Excuse me.

I'm sorry, do you need to get that?

Do you need something?

Yeah.

This is sort of an unusual question, but do you have any marijuana I could buy from you?

Our car exploded last night and I'm practically all out of my own.

Am I a drug dealer?

No. I am not. Thank you for asking, though.

No? Okay, that's okay. Thanks.

Is there anything else I can help you with?

Perhaps you'd like an 11 -year-old prostitute.

We can do that.

Or maybe we can off someone for you. How's that sound?

I've got it.

Why don't we start small.

Would you like a fresh towel?

Maybe you could roll that up and smoke it.

Dick.

By the way, Cheech.

That credit card you guys gave me last night was maxed out, so don't go spending all your cash on needles and guns just yet.

Mr. Earl Edwards? I'm sorry, sir. This card's over its limit.

Well, that's not true. You just run along and put it through your little machine again.

I ran it through three times, sir. It keeps telling me you're over your limit.

You have another card, I'd be happy...

Don't give me any attitude, son.

Now you go fix that little toy back there, and you charge this frigging meal to that frigging card.

We've been coming here for 20 years!

We've only been open eight years, sir.

Do it now.

Relax. It's not a big deal.

You don't seem to understand me.

When Josh finds out about this, he's going to freak.

You can't rent a car without a credit card. You just can't.

So what are we going to do?

Tell you what. Stay here.

Take him out for breakfast or something.

I'll go take care of this.

Earl, Cookie, we have a situation.

Brace yourselves.

The police have found Kyle's car abandoned in Bedford, Pennsylvania.

It's been blown to bits. We checked with the university, and he's missing.

Mother of God.

Good morning.

Hi, how can I help you?

I was sent over here to check out bus 111 and I'm afraid I have some bad news.

You seem to be having problems with the...

Rotator splint.

Engines have rotator splints?

Yeah.

She runs good now, but not for long.

I can have it back to you as good as new in less than a week.

Let's see.

Jared's still in Aliquippa. I take it he called you from there.

Five days. Well, I think we can work that out.

Could you please not feed my dog?

I didn't. You did so.

You can't feed Seeing Eye dogs treats like that.

They're specially trained. So please leave him alone.

Don't roll your eyes at me.

French toast.

Bacon. Good for you.

And the scrambled eggs.

Excuse me.

This has powdered sugar on it, and I ordered no sugar.

I really can't have too much sugar in the morning.

Oh, I'm sorry. Look at that.

You're absolutely right. I'll tell you what.

Let me take this back and bring you out a new piece.

Okay, everybody good?

Okay, great.

Where are my books and possessions? Because I can't...

Wait, they were in the car that blew up. That's right.

That's hilarious.


Let me warm that up for you. Thank you.

All right. There you go. Thanks, man.

Excuse me.

Your French toast'll be up in a minute. Okay, thank you.

Okay, great.

French toast, no sugar. All right?

Sorry about that. Oh, no problem. Thank you.

Oh, no problem. Thanks a lot.

That's a nice guy.

It's good.

I don't even want to know how you got this.

I stole it from a blind chick.

I said I didn't want to know. What?

I'm going to give it back. Probably.


Can we please stop soon? I need to use the bathroom.

You know, actually, I don't have to go yet, so we'll stop in a couple hours.

I'm kidding, Kyle. We'll stop.

Jeez, you have to stand up for yourself every once in a while.

Be a little more assertive.

What's your deal, anyways? Why are you so worried all the time?

I don't know.

I guess it's my dad. He's like, strict.

He really is going to kill me when he finds out about that car.

So you screwed up. Big deal, man. People make mistakes.

He'll get over it. Besides, that car sucked, anyways.

I really do need to go to the bathroom.

We're making a pit stop. Again?

You're about to experience firsthand exactly what it means to be in the lower region of nature's food chain.

Mitch is going to bite into you.

He's going to squeeze.

He'll actually start digesting you while you're still alive.

But don't be scared.

It'll be a quick death.

Be brave.

You'll barely feel it.

Come on.

Come on. You going to fucking eat him?

Wait up a second.

This is supposed to be a road trip.

All we're doing is driving the whole time.

It's ridiculous.

No one forced you to come.

We're making great time here.

If Tiffany sees the tape it'd be the best thing that ever happened to you.

What is that supposed to mean?

Beth is like an angel.

She's here to help you change your life.

Besides, did Tiffany ever let you videotape her?

I think not.

It's a sign, Josh.

Hello. Professor Anderson?

Who's calling?

Hi, professor. It's Josh Parker.

Yeah, hello, Josh. What can I do for you?

Well, I was in a car accident, sir.

Oh, my God. No, I'm okay.

I'm in kind of a bind.

See, all my notes and books were destroyed.

So I was wondering if it was possible to get a little extension.

Maybe take the midterm a couple days later?

Sure. Yes, it sounds like an emergency.

How about an extra three days?

How would that sound? Would that work?

Yeah, that would be fantastic. Are you sure?

I'm just glad you're not hurt.

See, I'm marking it down right now.

It's great, Professor. See you soon.

Okay. Goodbye.

Who was that?

Oh, that was Josh Parker.

What did he want?

He was just calling to confirm the date of the exam.

Such a worrier.

It's going to be okay. I'll find him.

And we'll find whoever did this, I promise.

It's going to be okay.

If I had to guess, I'd say somebody was raped and murdered here last night.

What the hell gives you that idea?

I don't know. It's just a feeling.

Well? Nothing yet.

Good thing is, there's no evidence of a struggle.

No blood or clothing, anything like that.

And we haven't found a single drop of semen yet.


Hi. I'm visiting my friend from home, although she doesn't know I'm coming.

It's a surprise. Oh, how nice.

How can I help you?

Well, I've never been here before. I don't know where she lives.

What's her name? I can look it up in the student directory.

Tiffany Henderson.

Do I know you?

No, you don't. Actually, I know your boyfriend.

Okay. Who are you?

I'm Beth.

Could we just sit down for a minute?

Okay.

This is really hard for me, but it's definitely something you should hear.

Your boyfriend's cheating on you, with me.

We were together Thursday night, twice, and once again Friday morning.

I thought you should know.

Tiffany, what the hell are you doing?

Who's that guy?

That's her boyfriend.

That's her boyfriend?

He's been cheating on her.


I'm sorry, but you have the most beautiful feet.

Would you like a foot massage?

No, I would not like a foot massage.

As a matter of fact, I would hate a foot massage.

Okay, I'm sorry. Relax.

Are there any guys out there who are just normal?

Unleash the fury, Mitch.

Unleash the fury.

Come on, Mitch.

Eat him.

Please, Mitch. Go get him, boy. He's right there.

Kill him.

Maim him.

Bite him.

Unleash the fury!

Wow, this is cool.

I've never been in a fraternity house before.

Is this going to work?

Of course it's going to work. I know the handshake and everything.

Hi. Can I help you?

Yeah. I'm Rubin Carver.

I'm a Xi Chi brother from the lthaca University chapter.

My friends and I were passing through, looking for a place to party, maybe even a place to crash.

Xi. Chi.


Everyone, this is Rubin.

Apparently, Rubin is our fraternity brother from our lthaca chapter.

These are his friends.

Listen, apparently we've interrupted your dinner, so we're just going to...

Hey, don't be crazy.

Listen, there's plenty of food to go around, all right?

You guys are more than welcome to stay.

You know, this food's actually pretty good.

Hey, you do realize this is a national black fraternity?

They know you're not a member.

I'm sorry. I don't think about that kind of stuff.

Okay, relax. Okay? They're just messing with us.

No way. They're pissed because he lied.

I say we get the hell out of here.

Just relax.

Someone's got some serious explaining to do.

Yeah. Look what we found in this guy's duffle bag.

What? What is that?

No, I've never seen that before in my life.

What are you guys doing here? Are you in the Ku Klux Klan?

That is not ours.

That is not mine.

There's obviously some explanation for this.

Yeah, there is. You see, your boy here's an evil bigot, and now he's going to die.

Justice.

There you are. I thought we lost you there for a minute.

Am I in the hospital?

You passed out.

They were messing with us, Kyle. It was a joke.

Racist?

But I watch Oprah Winfrey every day.

It was a joke, outtie. A joke.

Yeah, I get it. Sure, put a Klan hood in my bag.

That's funny.

I need a wine cooler. Hey, have mine.


Isn't he just the cutest little thing?

Oh, yeah. Kyle's the man.

You mean never? Not even once?

Well, I mean, I've had sex before, just never with a person.

Right.

Well, I think that's kind of cool.

You do?

Yeah. I mean, you should hold out.

It should be special.

Wait till you're in love.

I think I love you.

You are so cute.


I take it you don't have a condom.

No. I guess I'm all out.

Well, Lawrence probably has some. Why don't you try that drawer.

Next to the Old Spice, behind the belts.

Good guess.

You know what?

I don't exactly know what I'm...

What I'm doing and...

I'm...

Relax, baby. Let Rhonda handle this.


Thanks, I had a great time. Take care. Stay cool.

What's up?

Let's go, Kyle. We want details. What happened?

Well, we had a few drinks, danced a little and you know.

No, we don't know. Tell us.

What the hell is that?

Did you kill a cheetah?

What? No, these are her underwear. She gave them to me.

I boinked her.

Boinked?

Yeah, wait. Did you just say the word "boinked"?

Well, Kyle, I certainly hope you got all the boinking out of your system, 'cause we got a lot of driving to do today, guys.

Do not get your hopes up about visiting Graceland, because right now we are all about the mission at hand.

What?

That sounds like a really good plan except for one little thing.

What little thing?

We're out of money.

Before I have you fill out these forms I need to ask you a few questions, and then if you qualify, you can make a sperm deposit.

Is that understood?

Fire away.

Now, be honest, because if you don't tell the truth, the test will and you won't get paid.

So first off, have any of you done any drugs in the past 36 hours?

And that includes marijuana.

Next.

Have any of you had sex or masturbated in the past 24 hours?

Well, I guess I'm out, because I had sex last night, with a girl.

That's nice.

I think you'll find everything you need right here in these binders.

Why don't you each take a cup.

And here's yours.

I'd appreciate it if you'd return those to the front desk after you're finished.

Okay, thanks.

Cheers.

Excuse me.

Do you have anything with Asian women?

I have this thing for Asian chicks, and there seem to be none in this binder.

Sorry, this isn't Peep World.

Our selection's rather limited. You're going to have to make do.

Okay, no problem. You've been more than helpful.

Is something wrong?

Well, no.

But I just, I couldn't help but notice that.

Is there something between us?

I mean, I was thinking that maybe you might want to help me out with a little professional assistance.

Do you need some help?

Yes, I do.

The moment I saw you out there, I thought you were incredible.

I mean, you're not like most of the girls I know.

You're a real woman. That's fine.

Could you turn around and drop your pants, put both hands flat on the table?

Oh, my God.

This is great. Like this? Exactly.

I have to admit, I love you in that uniform.

Do those nylons go all the way up or are they like those thigh-high kind?

I'm going to perform a procedure on you called milking the prostate.

It's an anally induced ejaculation.

Anal?

You'll feel strong pressure on the prostate gland from inside your rectum.

Oh, come on, now.

You don't have to get all scientific on me, baby.

I mean, we can just talk.

Stop. Okay, keep doing it. Yeah!

Right there!

Oh, my God.

Okay. All done.

That was awesome.

Wait. Wait, does that work?

I mean, is it even medically possible?

Oh, yeah. It works.

It works like a charm.

But back to our story.

It was Sunday morning back in lthaca, when things suddenly took an unexpected turn.

Look at me. I'm a mouse. Eat me. Eat me.

Eat me. Eat me. Eat me.

Come on.

You better eat him, Mitch, before I do.

He's tasty.

He's tasty, Mitch.

Why'd you lie to me?

I didn't lie.

You told me that Josh went to Boston.

No, I didn't. I said Austin.

You said Boston.

Because of you, some guy's life is ruined in Boston.

So what? Besides, what's the difference?

Wherever he went, he went because of you.

What do you mean, because of me?

Look, it's obvious.

Josh likes you. It's disgusting.

I knew you'd come back.

What do you want?

So how was your little getaway with Josh?

I wasn't with Josh. Sure.

Doesn't matter, though, because Josh won't be back next semester.

He's about to flunk philosophy.

What are you talking about?

See, he thinks that he has an extension on the midterm, but, thanks to a certain someone, me, he doesn't.

He's such an idiot.

You are a psycho.

Oh, my God.

Turn it down, you say Well, all I got to say to you is time and time again, I say no No

Tell me not to play Well, all I got to say to you when you tell me not to play I say no

So if you ask me why I like the way I play it There's only one thing I can say to you I want to rock

Want to rock

I set the guys up at my grandparents' house for a place to crash.

I haven't been there in a long time.

When I was seven, I set their dog on fire, and I haven't been invited back.

But I hear it's still real nice.

I'm serious.

"Please." "Thank you." "This is delicious."

Those are the only words you're allowed to say, okay?

What? I'm great with old people.

Grandmas love me. Wait a minute. Wait, wait.

Manilow?

Barry's last name is Manilow?

His name is Barry Manilow?

Oh, my goodness. Look at you boys.

Jack, they're here.

Jack, Barry's friends are here. Come say hi.

The boys are here.

Oh, hey, fellas.

How's it going? Wait.

Let me get up and I'll give you guys the full tour.

Oh, honey, careful. Your boner.

Well, what do you want me to do? Cut it off?

I'll tell you what, fellas.

We'll start the tour by me showing you where you're going to sleep.

Maybe I'll show you what we call the guest room. Follow me, boys.

The guest room, if you please.


Excuse me.

You remember this kid?

No. Sure don't.

Let me ask you once more. Have you seen my son?

Now that you mention it, there were a few guys in here.

If you loosen my arm, I could get their bill for you.

Use your other arm.

About how many were there? I don't know. A few.

Four!

One of them was in here trying to score drugs.

Honey, look.

They made two calls to Austin, Texas. Maybe they went there.

Having a smoke?

Yeah.

I can't sleep either.

Goddamn Viagra gets my heart racing like a lab rat.

Are you okay? You look kind of goofy.

No, it's nothing.

Come on, out with it.

Well...

I almost died two days ago. What?

Our car exploded. Yeah. I could be dead right now.

And since that happened, I find myself asking "Why?"

You know? Like...

What is my reason for living?

Are you going to pass that doobie or what?

Doobie?

Yeah, sorry.

Thanks.

You know what your problem is?

You're all brains. Not enough cock and balls.

People have been telling me that my whole life, believe it or not.

In 6th grade, I got so worried about the escalating situation in Iraq that they put me on an adult dosage of Xanax.

And by 8th grade I was in therapy three times a week.

And the truth is, weed is the only thing that could ever balance me out.

You know what I mean? Like...

You okay over there?

Hey, old man.

I got the fucking munchies real bad.

How about you?

Okay, Tiffany, it's time to stop being so sad.

Look at all this mail you got.

Look how many nice people care about you.

You even got a package from Josh.

Really?

Should we open it and see what he sent?

Yeah, come on, Tif. Let's open it.

It's a tape.

Well, pop it in.

Maybe I should watch this on my own.

Oh, come on.

This'll definitely cheer you up.

What do you look for in a girl?

Well, let's see. She should be smart and funny and...

That's good, too.

What else do you look for?

She should be attractive...

And topless.

And she should kiss me.

You boys be good, now.

Bye, it was great to see you.

I'll tell Barry you said hello.

Hey, Jack, have that bitch make me some blueberry pancakes right now.


Excuse me. Just a minute.

WWW dot Episode Two slash spoilers, backslash...

Okay, look, some people are here and they are being very rude.

Okay, call you back.

I'm sorry, but we need your help.

Do you know Tiffany Henderson?

Room 109.

Well, her grandfather died and she asked me to pick up her mail for her.

How sad. Do you have the key?

Well, she didn't bring it to the funeral, so I was hoping that you could...

I'm sorry, but you need the key.

Don't worry. Her mail will be here, safe and sound.

It's not like that, you see.

She needs something. This is an emergency.

Let's not make a big deal out of it, okay?

Well, it's not a big deal, but you need the key.

Rules are rules.

No one's asking you to do anything wrong here, man.

Just, you know, look away. Go have an Eskimo Pie or something.

You guys are going to have to leave, okay?

We're not leaving without that mail.

Listen to the man before you get some Jackie Chan happening on your face.

Come on, fellows. Let's go right now. That means now, asshole.

I think he broke my nose. Oh, God. Let me see it.

Come on, Susie.

You're a wrestler? You bet, Mary.

You want to go?

Let me see it. Just let me see it.

Who's my bitch? What?

Who's my bitch?

That's it.

Okay, everyone, freeze.

This here is pepper spray and we will not hesitate to use it.

These guys jumped me.

I was just sitting behind my desk.

What? Kyle!

Dad? That's your dad?

Freeze right now. Everybody, freeze.

Put the weapon down now.

For chrissake, my son was kidnapped.

Who was kidnapped?

I wasn't kidnapped. These are my friends from school.

What are you talking about?

We all drove down here together.

What?

Then explain to me how the frigging car got blown to hell.

Well, see...

It was stolen.

That's right. It was stolen. Tell him, Kyle. Wasn't it?

Exactly.

Stolen?

What about the damn credit card?

It was in the glove compartment and that was stolen, too.

Oh, bullcrap! This is ridiculous!

Why didn't you tell us where you were?

Because I knew you'd get mad. See, look how mad you are.

I'm not mad!

Come on, you're going with me. Outside, in the car.

Tiffany.

What the... What's going on?

Nothing.

Damn, dude, she is hot.

Ben, my girlfriend's paging me. Can we let these people go?

It's a good idea. I like him.

No one is going anywhere.

Bullshit, junior. He's coming with me.

Get off of me.

I'm going back with these guys.

You shut your mouth and you don't talk back to me.

Why don't you shut up?

What the hell did you just say to me?

I said, "You shut up."

All my life you've been telling me to stand up for myself.

Well, now I am. So leave me alone, you jerk.

Why, you ungrateful little...

Go away! Go away!

What was that all about? Josh, what are you doing here?

I just miss you. That's all.

I miss you too, but it's crazy for you to drive here because you miss me.

Why? I thought you'd be glad to see me.

I am glad to see you, but...

Josh, you have your entire life to live up at school.

This isn't healthy.

Besides...

I realized a few things this past week, you know?

You did?

Like what? Like we're in college.

The window of opportunity to go out and have fun and meet new people is getting smaller by the day.

It is? Come on, Josh.

We've been together forever.

I mean, you're pretty much the only guy I've ever been with.

What do you mean, "Pretty much the only guy"?

Well, I was 14 and you were away at camp.

But that was years ago.

Besides, we were in different area codes.

You know what? I've been thinking a lot about us, too.

The real reason I drove down here...

Hold that thought.

Hello?

Yeah, he's right here.

Who is this?

Hold on.

It's for you.

It's Beth.

Who's Beth?

What are you doing?

I'm not sure what's going on between us, but I need to tell you something.

I'm actually glad you called, because I wanted to tell you something.

Okay, you first.

I can't really talk about it right now.

But I promise I will explain everything when I get back.

Really. I promise.

I got to get going, though. Okay?

Wait, wait. Don't you want to hear mine?

Right. Sorry.

Is it good?

Not really.

Jacob lied to you. There's no extension on your midterm.

What? He tried to trick you.

If you don't get back, you fail.

What do you look for in a girl?

Shit.

She should be smart, and funny and...

Aren't you glad I called? Yes, thank you, Beth.

I'll call you as soon as I get back.

Okay, bye.

This for me?

God, no, no! You don't want...

What the hell is this? Rubin, I can see myself on the TV.

I think the tape must be rewound.

It's Barry.

Hey, look.

Look at that. You can see my bum.

Why would you send this to me? So, wait.

You guys broke up, then you hugged and then you left?

Yeah. Pretty much.

Loser. You always have sex with a girl one last time before you break up.

Everyone knows that.

It's not like that. I've known her my whole life.

She's my best friend.

So, what do we do now?

You guys want to smoke some drugs? I don't think so, Kyle.

My midterm starts in exactly 46 hours, so I got to get back.

Although I'm going to fail anyways, so it doesn't really matter, but...

Which class was it? Ancient philosophy.

I could teach you ancient philosophy in 46 hours.

You can? Yeah.

I could teach Japanese to a monkey in 46 hours.

The key's just finding a way to relate to the material.

Like, okay.

You like pro wrestling, don't you? Who doesn't?

Socrates, he was like the Vince McMahon of philosophy.

He started it all.


What was the Twenty-Man Battle Royal?

Participation explains predication. Aristotle's "one over many" argument.

Right.

You know this. You'll be fine.

Freeze right there. Don't move.

Is this philosophy?

If you hear anything, give me a call.

Bomb threat is serious business. It's a felony. Here, take my card.

Okay, let's move it.

What's going on with this bomb threat?

False alarm, people.

Everyone, back inside.

We're going to do this thing.

That's right.

Beth.

Thanks for calling.

It's been a really weird week.

So how'd you do?

On the exam? Pretty good, actually.

You did?

Were you surprised?

You weren't back in time for the exam, so I called in a bomb threat.

You did?

That's insane.

I wasn't going to let Jacob get you kicked out of school.

Besides, I might need you around next semester.

So I did good, right?

Good?

That's the coolest thing anyone's ever done for me.

Mom?

I'm so sorry.

Mom?

I got carried away with the story.

So anyway, Josh got a B plus on his midterm. He got to stay in college.

And I'm happy to report that he and Beth are still together.

They're still really into making their home movies.

In fact, they have about 70 hours of unedited amateur video.

It's pretty wild.

I know, because I bought some of it on eBay.

That guy, Jacob...

He left school.

He went on to become the leader of some cult out in lowa.

Eventually he tried organizing a mass suicide.

Only problem is he drank the Kool-Aid first and...

Well, afterwards everyone else just kind of changed their minds.

Too bad.

As for Rubin...

Remember Rubin?

Remember how he always claimed that he was destined for great things?

Something tells me the people of Earth are going to need me.

Well, he was right.

Rubin used cross-pollination to develop a strain of marijuana, that is not only remarkably potent, but also completely undetectable by any of today's standard drug tests.

Oh, my God.

He was named High Times' Man of the Year.

As for E.L., despite his swinging philosophy on sexuality, he got pretty serious with some girl he met.

And you want me to use two fingers?

I believe she was premed. Did I say two?

Better make it three.

Then there's Kyle.

Kyle and his father reconciled their differences.

Hi, Dad. Merry Christmas.

He brought his new girlfriend home to meet his parents.

Rhonda, this is my father, Earl.

Dad, this is Rhonda.

Merry Christmas, Dad.

Come here.

That's the end of the tour.

Okay, I hope each of you strongly considers becoming part of the lthaca tradition, as we lead future generations of young men and women forward into the new century.

Thanks a lot. You guys were great. Thanks.

Thank you so much.

No, it was good. It was fun. Thank you so much.

I'll see you in the fall. Definitely. Thanks. Okay. Thank you.

I'd just like to say thank you.

I mean, that was really great.

Thank you.

Mom?