Rock Steady Row (2018) Script

Freshman?


College has changed.

You see, universities used to be a place of higher learning.

Till the administration became corrupt.

Tuitions skyrocketed.

Meal plans were abolished.

And student housing collapsed.

With overwhelming debt and the fear of loans, the students of Rock Steady University turned on one another.

Fraternities rose in power, while the sororities were forced into hiding.

Two houses competed for control of Rock Steady...

Kappa Brutis Omega and The High Society.

Both houses took control of the most valuable commodity on the college campus, the bicycle market.

Students will endure all of this just to earn a degree.

Because at Rock Steady University, only the strong graduate, let alone survive.


Hi, kids, and welcome to Rock Steady University!

Big news for tomorrow!

Kappa Brutis Omega is hosting their biannual bike fair.

So, if you don't want to make the trek all across campus, make sure you don't miss this fair.

Don't miss the bike fair.

And, as every year, a percentage of the proceeds will be donated to this institution to ensure a high quality education, full campus safety, and a great life for all of you.

And, remember, if you think education is expensive, try ignorance.

Hey, I haven't seen you around here, have I?

You with The Society?

Okay...

Not a talker. I get it.

Wow!

That's a nice bike!

Holy cannoli!

Wow!

Really nice.

Mmm-hmm. Thanks.

Hate to do this to you, but, um...

See, my... My brother owned a bike just like that.

God rest his soul.

Do you mind if I take it for a spin?

Come on, buddy boy. Just for a little bit.

Uh... Nah... Hey, look at that!

Mavic Ksyrium wheel sets, huh?

That's nice!

Hey, just be careful on it, all right?

Oh, yeah, absolutely. Of course.

Hand painted. Nice job.

It's obviously not one of those off-the-shelf, dusted rat bikes. Is it?

Honey? Honey? This is a Suntour. That's a Suntour.

No. It's SRAM Force 22.

That... What is that, carbon fiber? It's 11 speeds.

Eleven speeds.

I'm trying to compliment the man on his bike, honey.

Wait until I finish.

This thing is faster than a fresh-fucked fox in a forest fire. So, where you from?

Fiber glass form, you know? Out of town. Hey, easy...

Easy on the brakes. By the way, easy chance points.

Oh, it's okay. He's just having fun.

Oh, my God! It has a bell. It has a bell!

You like to have fun, right?

It has a bell!

It's a beautiful bike! Hey...

Fuck you!

You like to have fun, right?

Sure.

What kind of music do you listen to?

What?

Oh, come on!

Somebody stole my bike!

Hey, I need my bike...

Oh, fuck!

Back.

Shit!

This guy came over all funny. Skinny as hell.

What a bitch.

So, I go up and just snatch them right out of his hand, and say, "Uh-uh."

Any of you seen a guy this tall, shades and mop for hair?

Hey, members only.

Well, one of your members stole my bike.

If your bike got stolen, get another one at the fair, bro.

Take it up with administration, bro.

Maybe they'll find your bike, bro.

This is Kappa Brutis, bro.

We don't steal bikes, bro.

So, I don't know what to tell you... Bro.

Yeah, bro.

Hey! I said, "members only."

Ooh!

Hey, do me a favor?

What's that?

Don't touch my jacket.

You believe this?

What's up now, bro?

Wait!


Sir, I didn't mean to cause you any trouble.

I'm just trying to get my bike back.

Imagine Senior Joe from County Clark High School coming here to visit our campus with his folks.

But the first thing they see is you out in the open, fighting like a rabid dog.

And what do they do?

They take their kid and his $50,000 tuition, and they go to another school.

It becomes a $200,000 problem for me.

Do you know how that happens? Yes, sir, I...

That was rhetorical.

Students spend four years at an institution at $50,000 a year...

That becomes a $200,000 problem.

I don't want that.

Now, do you see why it becomes a problem for me?

Yes, sir, I under...

Don't turn your $150 bicycle into my $200,000 problem.

Sir, I know who took it. It was one of the Kappas.

He was... Kappas stole your bike?

Sir?

You know why I'm laughing? Because if I don't, I'll cry.

Have you declared a major?

No? No? Have you joined a house?

No? Oh, so that means you've done nothing, and you are nothing.

Alfred.

Every semester, Kappa Brutis Omega has a bicycle fair, and, graciously, they never forget to send a good percentage of that to me.

It works out well for everyone.

Here you go.

Don't forget to get the windows on the top floor, now.

Sir, I don't want a new bike. I want my bike.

Boy, you just keep pushing, don't you?

Fill out this report, so I can get working on finding your bike.

Wherever it is.

Do yourself a favor and get out.

Sir, do you have a bathroom I can use?

You are a bathroom.

Is it just me or do I hate them more every year?

Look, man, you want another bike, you're going to have to wait for the fair like everybody else.

Look, I just need one. Come on.

You know I'm good for it.

I don't know you're good for it.

Get the fuck out of here. Look, I'll pay double.

The fair.

Triple?

All right, fine.

Oh, sweet Jesus!

All I got... All I got is my ramen money.

Okay, well, then you starve or you walk to class.

I ain't walking across campus.

That's worse than starving.

Oh, wait... All right, give him his bike.

You're scrawny as hell.

Are you going to be even able to ride this thing?

When's the last time you ate?

First day on campus, and you're already making enemies.

Looks like you could use a friend.

The way you handled those brutes was astonishing.

Bravo.

And let me guess... Did the Dean give you those papers?

You know a lot about me for someone I've never met.

It's a university.

A place of learning.

Excuse my manners...

Augustus Washington III.

I saw your picture in the Dean's office.

Your fro's bigger in person.

Thank you.

Oh, God, thank you guys! Oh, man.

I thought I was going to have to go all semester without one.

You see, we could work together with a common goal to create a meaningful experience and grow together as men of The Society.

Where we board together, look after one another, including retrieving stolen bicycles.

Dean's looking into it, so...

Thanks, but no thanks.

The Dean?

Good luck with that.

All right, well, if you're so...

This is, like, the exact same as my stolen bike!

Scram, geek!

Get out of my sight!

You're making the street ugly.

Come back here, you little moron!

An underground bike ring?

Are you kidding me?

What is this?

Why don't you get someone else to read this slop?

This is serious.

It affects all of us.

You guys are living in the darkness, and this... This is the light that will set you free.

Come on, give us what you owe us!

Yeah!

Ugh! You all wouldn't know a good story if it bit you in the ass.


That's very hipster of you.

Wrong room, pal.

This 306? Yeah.

I think we're roommates.

Co-ed?

Well, the Dean cut funds, so now everything's co-ed.

What was going on out there?

You a freshman or something?

Yeah.

The name's Piper.

Editor-in-Chief, publisher, photographer, and president of The Journal.

So, what's this underground bike ring you're talking about?

You read it?

A bike ring is a little far-fetched.

My bike got stolen today, so... The Deans's looking into it.

I got to fill this thing out for him.

What's so funny?

Hey, 303?

What year are you? Junior!

When did you get your bike stolen? Freshman year!

How's the Deans's investigation? Ongoing!

304? What year are you? Senior!

When did you get your bike stolen?

Freshman year!

How's the Dean's investigation?

Ongoing!

301? What year are you? Sophomore.

When did you get your bike stolen? Which one?

The first one!

Freshman year.

How's the Deans's investigation?

For which one? The first one!

Ongoing!

And the other one? Ongoing!

Ongoing!

You're nothing but a tuition check to the Dean.

That's it.

He ups tuitions, cuts funds, and watches all the houses go under.

Student loans and all.

The sororities were the first to go.

Now, Kappa Brutis Omega and The High Society are the only ones left.

Oh, and, uh, speaking from experience, you fill those out, and he'll shuffle them straight to the back.

What did I say?

Buddy boy...

How's, uh, foot patrol?

You've got 10 seconds to give me back my bike before I break your stupid, fucking glasses.

Well...

That's no way to talk to me.

Look, I know.

You're still sore.

But I'm, I'm, I'm sure if you go check lost and found, they'll find your bike somewhere.

But, if you're, uh, looking to dance, I'm waiting, buddy boy.

Oh, your bike, man, that was... Whew!

That was a clean machine.

That was some solid craftsmanship.

I'm sure a starving student wouldn't know what to do with it, you see?

Now, if it was my bike, Well, I'd never let it out of my sight, but it's not, so...

Don't...

Don't ever embarrass one of my members on my porch again.

Okay? Got it?

Spunky? Oh, baby, don't you know...

Oh!

Bye-bye!

I don't like him.

I don't like him.

Don't turn your $150 bicycle into my $200,000 problem.

You're nothing but a tuition check to the Dean.

And at The Society, we look after one another, including retrieving stolen bicycles.

May I help you?

Yeah, uh, where's Augustus?

Not many prospects get invites to The Society.

I am elated to have you on board.

Together, we can bring the Kappas to their knees.

There is a small initiation that we need to enact before we begin.

What initiation?

It's to ensure your conviction to The Society.

What? Suck a dick!

Fuck you!

What about my bike?

After the initiation.

If you could meet us there down the road in, say... 5 minutes, then we can begin the process.

That's a sorority house.

Oh, is that what that is?

Sororities have been extinct for quite some time.

We use it for pledging, so that you can earn your specs.

I don't need glasses.

Neither do we.


Move! Move! Before they come back!

Drop these off! There's more in the back!

Hello?


Kappa, Kappa, Kappa, Kappa, Kappa, Kappa, Kappa, Kappa, Kappa, Kappa...


Hey! Hey!

Come on! Quick!

Come here, boy! Come back here!

Just get him! Come on! Let's get his ass!

The Freshman survived the trap. Hmm.

I don't like that. Me neither. Me neither.

Attention, everyone, it's near the end of the day, and I have an emergency announcement...

Kappa Brutis Omega will not be hosting the bike fair tomorrow.

Then, who's hosting it? Who do you think?

All right, the High Society will be hosting at 8:00 a.m. in the court.

They took the bikes? I swear to God, I'm going to tell your mother!

Why would you let them take the bikes?

With no one in his corner, the Freshman quickly realized if he ever wanted to see his bike again, he'd have to find a way to bring down both fraternities.

No one has ever passed their requirements.

So, why don't you try and be the first?

Hey, you got class before 8:00?

I wouldn't schedule a class that early to save my life.

Where do you keep your wheels? What's up?

This is not adding up This is not... This is not excellent, guys!

Do you guys wanna go get a cup of java?

Will that speed you up?

Go fast now and know that at the end of the road, there's java.

What are you up to?

You know what I mean?

Guys, please!

Give me a second.

Augustus would not be happy about this. He'd be pissed off.

What's a good vocabulary word for "pissed off"?

Affronted.

That's what he would be.

You know it.

He would be very affronted. Yeah...

Oh, no.

See? I told you, and I told them!

Shh!

Shh! Shh!

You're the one knocking down all of the bikes, brainiac!

We can get these back to the students they stole them from...

Hey, what are you doing?

Stop that! We can't give them back like that!

I'm not giving them back.

I need a bike.

What happened to your last bike? Stolen.

That's too bad.

Did you make a reservation?

No, I didn't know you needed to make reservations.

So, how does this fit into your master plan?

Don't worry about it.

What are you always listening to? Why?

We're roomies. So?

What's wrong with you? What's wrong with you?

You never answered my question.

Yeah, because you never answered mine.

Cagey.

This is all I got.

It's non-refundable.

Have a nice day.

Okay, okay.

Is it all there?

150. Good.

Ah!

Hey, this bike's busted!

Ah!

Come on!

Something's wrong with the bikes.

Aw, fuck!

Kappas!

Well, come on. Come on, guys! That's it?

I can get a better shot from over there.

Go get it.

You think you're so clever.

Mozart.

Symphony 35.

Haffner's Serenade?

No, Haffner's Symphony.

Leonidas!

Oh, my God!

Stand your ground.

Shit!

Oh, God! Oh...

I'm coming for you.

Come here, tub-tub!

Oh-oh, I broke this one's glasses!

These brakes are snapped.

Salvage what you can.

Hey, boss, look who we caught snooping around.

Let me go!

Get her up here.

No!

I haven't seen you since when... Like, uh, freshman year? Don't touch me!

That's a nice camera.

Knowing you, this is what, five, ten years out of date?

Twenty!

Careful! That's antique glass.

Smile. You'll look better.

Hey! Don't touch that!

Honey? Baby? Uh...

I'm so sorry, Piper. Was that yours?

Duh, bitch! Let me go!

Let her go.

Don't ever embarrass me like that again, okay?

Hey, boss! Guys, we got security on the way!

All right, gentlemen, we're not retreating!

We are advancing in a different direction!

Ready?

Yeah, come on!


They don't pay you enough.

Hey, do you think you can get these bikes to the dormitory for me?

Thanks.

You have to believe me! They have the stolen bikes packed in their garage.

Do you have any pictures of this?

They broke my camera. Yeah, well, are there any witnesses?

He saw it!

I don't know what she's talking about.

What?

I'm telling the truth!

With no evidence.

Then why else would they act like that?

Frats will be frats, Piper.

Oh, that is B.S., and you know it!

People can't bring nice bikes and expect them not to get stolen.

Yeah, you can't just expect us to believe you.

We cannot let Palmer keep getting away with this!

Oh, so, that's what this is about?

Are we back on that again?

She couldn't pin ex-lover boy with the first story, so she had to make up a new one. Real classy.

It's not a story!

You think I don't know what you're doing?

You ever written anything, Freshman?

In high school.

And I bet you double-sized the periods to get an extra quarter of a page.

So, what? Who didn't?

I didn't.

Twelve point font. Times New Roman. One inch margins.

Proper header and footer. Checked and double-checked sources.

Triple checked for good measure.

Five hundred words per page.

So, when a freshman who double-sizes his periods, cheats the margins, gets into the same college as me, and uses that same mentality to screw other students out of their bikes, how do you think that makes me feel?

I found my own frame.

Installed my own shift and brake cables.

Found my handle bars.

Fixed my own flat tires.

And cleaned my chain and cassette.

I know what hard work is.

That bicycle ring story still working for you?

That's just the gravy, Freshman.

Here's the potatoes: Palmer's sorority girl.

I thought you said sororities don't exist.

Well, maybe it's time they made a comeback.

If you could get the guy who's in charge of your bike fair, I'd appreciate it.

Get Augustus out here.

He's occupied. Tell him, it's business.

He's occupied indefinitely.

Okay?

Just put me in his schedule.

I lost my pen.

Heard, uh, you guys lost a lot of bikes.

Yeah?

You got something you want to say?

You want to know where to get them?

Okay, listen here, you namby-pamby, I don't want broken bikes.

I want clean machines.

I could fix these bikes, but it'll cost you.

Are you attempting to make me procure my own goods for your financial gain?

$4,000 and I can get them back to you better than they were before.

$4,000 is too high.

It's a steal.

It's still too high. Far too high.

You think that The Society can give you something that I can't?

Maybe I'll sell them to the Kappas.

Shit!

Wait! We're businessmen.

There's a lot of them.

You could make a pretty penny.

We can't let the Kappas reclaim them.

Yeah, we can't let the... No, shh...

That's for us. I'm so sorry.

You tell that fucking disco maniac motherfucker that he isn't getting one bit of my fucking money, okay?

How do I know it's worth the purchase?

I need to make sure the goods are clean.

I need to make sure everything's...

How the Italians say, capisce.

I wouldn't want to be bamboozled.

He's a text book bamboozler.

No, fuck you and your bicycle! Fuck you!

We've lost a lot of men today, sir, over this very thing.

It's the cost of doing business.

Deal.

Deal.

If I find one bicycle with a splintered spoke...

This better be worth it.

Guard this door with your life.

I don't care if it's the Pope or Charles Darwin himself!

Hmm, what are you reading?

Wait! I just want to show you something. All right?

Ow!

Ah!


The Kappas.

What's our move?

Okay, where's my bike?

Is that all of them? Huh?

It's too convenient.

Shh!

Washington?

Palmer...

Still haven't graduated past the second grade, I see.

Hardy har, har, har...

I'll be taking these.

Do you know what trypanophobia is, Palmer?

It's the fear of needles.

Like when a doctor draws blood.

Or even numbs your gums. Hmm?

Or even an eye.

I want all of your bicycle intake for the rest of senior year.

And, if you think about reneging on our deal, remember what happened here today.

And know that the one who set you up was not I, but the Freshman.

The Freshman.

Piper?

Nod if you understand.

Now, be a good little doggy and shoo.


Shit!

Scotch on the rocks.

Where's the Freshman?

Not sure, boss.

Hey, I need some muscle.

Family meeting!

Family meeting!

Hey, uh, boss, you okay?

No, no...

Everything isn't fucking okay.

Every single goddamn second...

Every single goddamn second, these sons of bitches come at me.

I want you to hit that motherfucker so hard, his afro falls off, okay?

Sir, the Freshman has arrived.

He has another proposition.

I'm not interested.

Tell him to find another dupe.

You may want to hear this.

You must certainly want your bike back.

Even for a freshman, this is pretty low.

Yvette!

Yvette!

What's the catch?

Baby! Find her! Find her!

There's always a catch. Always.

$1,000, plus my bike.

There goes Spring Fling.

I hope you didn't have a date already.

What say we meet back in my quarters in, say, 45 minutes?

You got yourself a deal.

I'll have your bike waiting in our garage.

Jessup, get our men ready.


Pencil dick.

If you hate yourself enough, you'll let anyone do anything to you.

I know I did.

Well, if she wants help, she can ask for it.

Ask who?

This place encourages everything and protects nothing.

What did you do this time?

Are there ten bills here?

What did you do?

I got my bike back and made some cash doing it.

Off of what?

I didn't think it would be that easy.

I should get more.

Ow! What the hell is your problem?

Do you even know what it's like in there?

In Kappa Brutis?

Why do you care?

Are you serious?

Do you not see how Palmer manipulates her?

Come on. Piper, cut it out.

What do you expect? You want me to go back over?

Okay, I'll get her back, all right?

You really don't care about anyone but yourself, do you?

No, I don't.

But right now, I think I'd much rather be... Ow!

Prick.

Piper... Find a new roommate.

Oh, baby. Did they hurt you?

Come here. Come to Daddy. It's okay. It's okay.

You know how much this cost me? Huh?

Get her out of here!


Hey, Palmer!

I want to rush.


Let's go inside.

Come on.

There's three very simple rules to being a Kappa.

Rule number one: always wear a rubber.

Because we can't have any of that gonnor-herpa-syphilitic shit.

Easy, man. Got to check you.

Hey, come on, man. We're all friends.

Easy...

What's in your hand, man?

We're all friends here, buddy boy.

Old school.

Hey, baby... Guess what?

Buddy boy here wants to pledge.

Do we have to do that tonight?

Come on. It'll be fun.

I know... I just...

Nobody likes a prude.

Don't be that girl.

That's my girl.

She'll make an old dog break its chain.

Look at that.

Look, I'm sorry about the bike.

That was just business.

Nothing personal.

I wish your sisters were here.

I mean, we'd have a full house, right, guys?

Yeah, that's right.

Uh-huh.

You like red-headed sluts?

What?

Two red-headed sluts for me and buddy boy to slide into, right?

Cheers.

To God and country.

Come on, get them.

You're an interesting cat. You know?

I mean, I dig it.

I like your spunk. I like your attitude.

I think the Brotherhood is damn glad to have you.

You got that head down, quick walk kind of vibe.

Hey, no, no, come one. Come on. One more.

This is bullshit. I'm not doing this any more.

What do you mean? I'm not doing this.

Doing what? Again...

Why do you have to embarrass me in front of company?

Jesus-H-Christ on a popsicle stick! Honey, come on.

Good. Another one. Thank you. Love you.

Don't look now, it's Jack Enberg.

He wants to blackball you.

Cheers.

Ooh, that tastes good! Feels good, doesn't it?

Put some hair on that chest.

Makes you feel just right.

Buddy boy.

Take a drink, buddy boy!

Take a drink, buddy boy!

If you're Russian, right? Cheers!

Yeah, to Fatherland!

Cheers! Cheers!

Get off of me!

You're going to drink. You're going to enjoy it.

Come on, you goddamn little bitch!

Drink the fucking shit!

Come on! That's a good boy!

Get back.

Uh, uh, uh... You made a fool of me.

I mean, you're outnumbered.

I mean, there's no where to go!

What are you, an idiot?

Let her go!

Let's get out of here!

What the hell was that?

No, no, no! Listen!

Listen to me! Go to the dormitory. Find Piper.

Piper's in 306. Okay?

Okay? Go find Piper. 306.

Okay, go! I'll cover you. Go! I got you!

Get him! Get that Walkman too!

They're getting away!

I got you, motherfuckers!

Hold up! Hold up!


Where is she? Huh?

Where... Is... She?

Payback's a bitch.

You ever... You ever wonder why people use the number two pencil?

You ever wonder that?

Why not number three, four, or five?

See, the harder the lead, the higher the number.

See, the number, uh, four doesn't really work that well, and the machines definitely can't read number three.

And number ones just kind of smudge a little.

Get up! Against the wall!

But...

The number two pencil...

Now, that...

That one's just right.

You know, I, uh...

I lost a lot of bikes today.

Whoo! X marks the spot!

Oh, man! Oh...

What?

You're not having fun?

I want you to go out there, and I want you to find the deepest, darkest hole you can fucking find and keep him in it.

Good man.

Go!

So wake the fuck up!

Wake the fuck up, pussy! You scared?

You fuck around with Kappa Brutis, you get fucked around with, bitch!

Piece of shit!

Fresh meat! Aren't you hungry?

Kill his fucking ass!

Yeah, here we go! You're so fucked!

Oh, oh! Is he crying?

Stare him right in the fucking eyes.

That's the last thing you're ever going to fucking see.

Now, you're fucking dead! That's right.

I'd be scared if I was you, Freshman!

Why are you helping me?

Where do you think you're going, huh?

Huh? You got nowhere to go! Nowhere to run!

Go!

Come out, come out, wherever you are!

You really fucked up this time.

Do not mistake our joy for privilege.

We have known pain.

We have known struggle.

We have stood at her shores in the high and low tide.

Let her waves wash upon our bodies, threatening to erode away the things that make us beautiful.

Pain was seated at the edge of our mother's bed to greet us when we first opened our eyes.

Struggle chained itself to our ankle as we took our first fall.

They are sisters. They do not come one at a time.

They ebb and flow like crushing feet, turning grapes to wine.

They went to the sisters often.

Casting themselves in her oceans daily.

Getting stronger daily. Getting wiser.

Calling these waters their home until gills took the place of their lungs.

We are the products of men who gave their breaths so we could swim.

Who withstood crashing waves so that tempest and chill would never be foreign to us.

We are the first group that burst through the seed and gripped any soil to call it home.

We are the magma rising up through igneous rock, the lava racing down the side of the mountain, destroying anything in its path.

Each one of our brothers the tip of a spear that pierces flesh, so the rest can pass through.

Anywhere we go, we leave a lasting wound!

Precision is our weapon.

Excellence is our culture.

History is our engine.

Revving us to rage at and against a machine, and now we stand uncontested.

Besting our rivals. Returning every sweat our ancestors invested.

Every day we are yelling, "Kill a Kappa! Kill a Kappa! Kappa! Kappa!

"If it's a Kappa, snap his neck if he talks smack!"

Them Kappas copped some capital, but, now, look where they at!

Challenge The Society, you see how we react!

Man, them Kappas cowards! They ain't never coming back!

Long live The Society.

Hi.

To us!

And to those who wish to be like us!

Gentlemen, with the Kappas gone, we shall control the row.

Which is extremely tight.

Indeed! Hear! Hear!

Hear! Hear!

This is quite the rager.

Yes! I know I'm raging face.

Victory stroll?

I'll be with you in a moment.

We did it, Father.

We did it.


Palmer!

Washington.

We had a consortium.

So well with words.


Ah!

Come here, come here.

All right, hey, what is honor, huh?

Do you die real quick, or do you live another day!

You done good. You done real good.

Good job, buddy. Good job. Good job.

Find the Freshman!

Find him! Find the Freshman!

My first act will be to clean up these bodies.

They smell like literature.

Oh, smack my ass and call me Shirley.

Is that yours?

Where is he?

I don't know where he is.

Oh, it's heavy!

You don't know where he is?

No, I threw him out.

I don't know where he is. I haven't seen him since.

Last chance, because you better tell me.

I don't...

You won't tell me? Put it down! I don't know where he is!

You won't tell me where he's at? No!

I don't know where he is!

Get her out of here!

No, no.

Hear that, Freshman?

We got your girl!

Come on out!

Come on, boy.

Come on!

The fuck you looking at? Get him!

Psst!

Psst!

Hey!

Over here!

Can you get me out of here?

Please?

What the fuck, Alfred, what did you bring us? Tell me it's a puppy.

Tell me it's a fucking puppy.

This? Are you fucking kidding me?

This guy? You brought this fucking guy?

Get me a knife, I want to gut him.

Hey!

He's fine.

Whatever.

Alfred, you got the stuff?

Come on... There you go.

Thank you.

I'm so stupid!

I can't believe I trusted him.

You're not stupid.

It's not your fault.

What the hell was I doing?

Would you stop? Seriously.

I have to tell the Dean.

Yeah, 'cause he's going to believe you?

Piper tried that. Remember?

He cut The Journal and called it a hoax.

If it's not lining his pockets, he does not care.

Ow! Motherfucker!

Well, we have to tell someone.

Piper 's been trying to tell them for years what Palmer did to her.

"Yeah, can you prove it?" "You invited him over."

"Were you guys drinking?" "What did you think was going to happen?"

Seriously, it made her look like a hooker, and pencil dick walked...

Here.

Listen, he didn't believe Piper's back-story.

What makes you think he's going to believe you?

Stop leaving your sisters behind for your new honey, and we wouldn't have this problem.

We were here before, and we'll be here long after.

Entiendes?

Has anyone even heard from Piper?

No, I haven't got a signal.

They have her.

What was that?

Son of a bitch. The fuck did you just say?

Palmer took her.

Pencil dick?

That fucking little...

We got to get her back.

Yeah, I'll go fucking get her myself.

I want in.

Hell, no.

He's dead weight. Get the fuck out of here.

I got screwed over too. Oh, yeah, with your little bike problem?

'Cause we all really care about that.

Guys... He got me to Piper, and she woke me up.

We can trust him.

You fucking serious?

You got to be fucking kidding me.

That's Alex. Beta.

Annie. Sigma And Kisha. Delta.

He's a dick, but he's not one of them.

I can help get her back.

Looking like that?

How many fingers am I holding up?

What are you going to do with one hand?

Do you have rubber bands and a ruler?

And some food.

You know, it's very simple.

Just tell me where he is, then you can run along to your little paper.

In fact, I'll even let you come up to my room.

You can do a little piece on me.

Don't touch me!

You get it?

Right there. X marks the spot.

Last chance.

No! No?

No?

Oh, no!

"No means no!"

You know what I hate about female journalists?

They just...

They'll never be as good as Tom Brokaw.

No.

Hail Mary.

What in the hell?


Buddy boy!

Mmm-mmm...

Buddy, buddy, buddy, buddy, buddy boy!

I was wondering when you would show your fat, ugly fucking face.

Now! Now, it's time to meet your maker!

Hey, hey, hey!


Ah!

Get him! Get him!


Honey?

Why?

Honey, come on! What did I ever do?

Really?

I just tried to keep order. That's all I wanted.

I wanted a little respect.

And I did everything for you. I got you everything!

I got you fucking ramen!


Little dick!

Ooh.

You were right.

You think?

You okay?

I was so stupid.

It's nothing. You didn't know.

Where were you all this whole time?

You could have saved us a lot of trouble.

We were in class.

I don't know which one of you entitled brats changed the tunes, but I won't stand for it!

You almost caught my cock in the toilet door, you son of a bitch!

The alumni of this school are prosperous because of brains and hard work.

You good for one more?

And waiting for a handout!

You want a fight. You got a fight.

You coming?

I'm cutting everything off!

No, you got this.

No more donations. No more bike fairs. No more food.

Hey, Detective!

Go buy yourself some more ink and a new lens.

Let's go, Piper!

Whoa, whoa, whoa, wait.

I haven't told you how our story ends.

First of all, the Freshman got his bike back.

Piper's story finally broke, reestablishing the sorority and bringing order to the campus.

And the Dean was stripped of his command and exiled.

Oh, as for me, I got myself a promotion.

Welcome to Rock Steady University.