RocketMan (1997) Script

Gemini, this is Houston.

Do you copy?

Roger that, Houston.

This is Captain Fred Randall.

Houston, the earth looks beautiful.

It's like a giant blueberry.

Roger that, Houston.

We are set to fire retrorockets.

That's a go, Gemini.

Retrofire ignition in T-minus six and counting.

Five, four, three, two, one, ignition!

Houston, we have a problem. We have a problem!

Mission Control, the gyro is out! The gyro is out!

Houston, we have a problem! We have a problem!

I want my mommy! I want my mommy!

Uh-oh. Fred Z. Randall.

What are you doing?

I come in peace.

Look, George. It's our little moon man.

Sweet pickled pineapples! Why can't he play football, like other kids?

George.


Houston, request go for landing.

Pilgrim One requests go for landing.

Go is affirmative.

Pilgrim One, you are go for landing.

Roger that, Houston.

Aeroshell deployed. Deceleration rate: Normal. ECIsS is go.

Pilgrim is through the high gate at 80 percent.

Heartbeat steady. The man is made of ice.

Bill? I see it.

Houston, request 20 percent X gimbal correction.

Tell them no. Negative.

Hold your transfer ellipse steady.

What's going on?

Computer says we're coming in too steep.

20,000 meters.

Pilgrim dropping rapidly to Martian surface. Glide slope is eroding.

APUs are go. Gary?

Increase 10 percent. Do it now, or we'll burn up.

Going to manual.

Why is he course correcting? Can someone answer me?

I don't know.

Engaging landing thrusters. Houston, we're off course.

We're losing her.

We're losing the lander! We're losing her!

Houston...

Why?

Congratulations, you're all dead!

Third time in a row, Hackman! Nice move on that course correction!

Paul, it wasn't his fault.

The computer tells me to correct. It's screwed up.

That's the problem? Pardon me!

If Gary says the computer's screwing up, it's screwing up. Just fix it!

Get me the name of the guy that wrote this software!


Better engage the antitheft device.

Morning, everybody! Hi, Floyd!

Hey, Kimmie Lee Wong!

Five minutes till the official workday starts.

That's five minutes to save the world.

Die! Get back to your own planet!

You big, bulgy-eyed bald freaks!

Your supervisor showed us in.

He said you're the man who designed our mission operating system.

Sweet Alaskan asparagus tips! You're the Mars team!

Mr. Randall... Paul Wick, Lead Flight Director!

Sir, I am a big fan of yours! It's...

William Overbeck. "Wild Bill" Overbeck!

In my office!

I feel like a paleontologist who finally got to meet a dinosaur!

Thank you.

Eight shuttle missions! Eight!

Nine, actually, but who's counting?

Well, apparently you are, my friend.

Oh, thank you for bringing him!

I've been following his career... Check this out.

Gary Hackman?

Computer specialist! How's my baby treatin' ya?

Actually... That's why we're here.

Some of us think it may have a glitch.

A glitch? Oh, no, that's not possible.

I programmed it myself. It's perfect.

Not exactly. It keeps miscalculating our orbital entry trajectories.

Here's the data.

Okay, here we go. Here it comes.

Mm-hmm... Yeah.

Got it, got it. There it is.

What? There's what?

This popcorn kernel's been stuck in my molars for two weeks!

Well, there's your problem.

Gary's running his Hohmann equations to include gravitational effects varying as the inverse cube of the distance.

I'm a decorated astronaut. I don't make those kind of mistakes.

Well, now, wait. I'll show you.

I'll enter the same calculations, using what we call "the right way."

Then I'll open the lander file and initiate the Mars landing sequence.

I've seen enough.

Watch this, fellas.

This is ridiculous! Move! Move!

There's nothing wrong with my numbers. They're perfect.

Watch this, you popcorn geek.

See? I told you, it's the computer.


I can explain everything.

Skull fracture! Injured while proving himself wrong!

I can explain it. He heard you.

So... what do we do now?

We postpone it.

We can't, Ben! You've seen the surveyor satellite reports!

There are periodic sandstorms that go on for months at a time, making landing impossible!

If we delay now and those storms set in, we lose our window!

We can't launch again for two years!

Then we wait two years!

Ben, Ben, Ben...

If we cancel this launch, everyone will lose faith in us.

In you. In me.

In the whole NASA team.

But... we could sub in a backup. In fact, we have two choices.

The first choice, of course, is Gordon Peacock.

But... he hasn't tested well for space travel.

Test him again. Who's your second choice?

NASA.

Yee-haa!

Mr. Wick, can I call you Paul? No.

Are we there yet? No.

How far is it? Quiet.

Can I drive? No!

Is that stubby guy John Glenn?

Fred, I have less than a month to see if you have the right stuff to be an astronaut.

Fred, I've got to get you a clearance badge. Stay right here.

Clearance badge.

Sign at the bottom.

Commander, are you sure we're headed towards Earth?

It looks a heck of a lot like the sun.

Of course I'm sure, you fool! How dare you question my authority?

Aaah!

Morning.

Sorry. Sorry. Wasn't me!

Wasn't me. The cafeteria lady pushed me, Mr...

Bud Nesbitt? Who the hell are you?

Apollo 13! You're the one responsible for...

When I say responsible, I mean I was responsible for this.

Apollo 13 was an accident. Oh, sure it was.

Just like the captain of the Exxon Valdez didn't see Alaska there.

Could I get your autograph?

What, another "accident," Bud?

No, no, no, this was all me.

We were walking down the hall, and the cafeteria lady jumped out and pushed me right into Bud Nesbitt, Apollo 13 wrecker.

Bud's been a little touchy the last...

...ten, 15 years.


Who are you?

I'm Fred Rand... Fred Rand...

That's Fred Randall.

Fred Randall.

Fred, meet your new roommate.

Julie Ford, mission specialist, geologist.

It's gonna be a real honor sleeping with you.

In completely different beds.

Fred, she's not your roommate. He is.

I get it. I get it! Haze the rookie! Good one!

The legendary rooming-with-the-monkey gag!

Ulysses is a chimp, not a monkey.

He's a...

He's the key to discovering life on Mars.

I'm training him to retrieve specific rock samples from underground fissures.

Of course. There's still moisture under the surface.

And where there's water, there could be life.

Right. Good boy.

Or death.

Death to anyone who dare to disturb the vicious Martian crust devils with their venomous feet and their wet, sucking lips!

Paul? Paul, can I talk to you for a second?

Sure.

Looks like it's me and you, my little Ewok.

You're gonna be my very first roommate!

So, what do you think?

What do I think? What is your reasoning here?

Little Dr. Zaius.

We're going to Mars, we should take along a guy from Mars?

He's a computer genius. He's supposed to be a little weird.

A little?

Let go of me!

I am not gonna let a few random personality quirks ground the most important mission of my career!

Excuse me for letting my practical concerns get in the way of your career!

Wait. This mission means just as much to you as to me, Ford!

And if Gordon can't cut it, then this kid is our last hope.

Well, that's impressive. They're bonding already.

Mom, please! Stop referring to it as "running away from home."

It's only temporary.

Going to Mars is not temporary, Freddy.

Last time you ran away it was just to the garage.

Oh, I know. You're rebelling, aren't you?

Mom, I don't even know if I'm going to Mars for sure.

Though I wish I was.

I've made peanut butter and jelly sandwiches, like you like them.

It's a long trip.

Mom, I'm not even hungry, honestly.

Look, there's a moon, a star and a little rocket.

I'm 30 years old! I'm almost a full-grown man!

I'll take the rocket.

Isn't this a treat!

Finally, a place of my own. No one to tell me what to do.

It wasn't me!

No eating puzzles in the house!

And surely we don't jump on the bed!

All right, I'm going out.

If you light the place on fire, the number's 911 . Thank you.

Randall, c'mon. I'll buy you a drink.

Wait a second. I'm not much of a drinker.

Gil, round of Blast Offs for my friend Randall here.

Blast Off? What's that?

It's a very special drink. It's just for us astronauts.

Oh, like Tang?

Exactly.

Houston, we have ignition!

Excellent! Commencing countdown.

In three... two...

...one... blast off!

Blast off!

Blast off!

Blast off!

Hey, Ford. Got off work early?

Is this necessary?

Absolutely. Enjoy the show.

Getting someone drunk like this is wrong.

Is he the one you want in the jump seat next to you 35 million miles from home?

Julie Ford!

Julie Ford! Come on. Let's twirl!

We're twirling!

It wasn't me...

You kids have fun now, y'hear?

Everyone is laughing at us!

This is not some frat party! This is NASA!

Some of us have earned the right to be here.

We need someone to replace Gary, or the mission doesn't happen.

So grow up or get out, but don't waste my time.

Hey, Julie.

I was just trying to, you know... fit in.

Julie?

Oh, it's you.

Hey, don't worry, little fella. It's only thunder.

Scares me too.

Can't sleep, huh?

All right. I'll sing you a little lullaby, but only one.

♪ Hairy little monkey sleeping in the night

♪ Close your monkey eyes so monkey, monkey tight

♪ And then you'li know little monkey doesn't fright

♪ When the thunder goes boom

♪ So deep into the night ♪

Paul, this Randall guy is a joke! Give him a chance.

He's not gonna show, you know. Guy's an embarrassment to NASA!

I understand people like him. He'll be a total professional.

Morning! Morning!

Oh, good, Fred!

We'll start your testing with the isolation chamber.

For 24 hours we'll see if you can stand the isolation of space travel.

Cut off from all external stimuli. Completely and utterly alone.

Not exactly. Your competition is gonna be in the adjacent chamber.

Gordo! Sir.

Hey, Gordon A. Peacock, computer specialist!

Well, well, well, well, well, isn't this a treat!

What kind of laptop do you have?

Randall, let's go. Close it up.

Gordo, you're on the right. Randall, you're in the left.

Surely.

Initializing 24-hour clock.

Ah!

Hello?

What the heck? Is that you?

Yes, it's me.

Prove it!

I asked you first!

I asked you first. I asked you first.

Oh...

♪ John Jacob Jingleheimer Schmidt

♪ His name is my name too

♪ Whenever we go out the people always shout

♪ John Jacob

♪ Jingleheimer Schmidt

Oh, he stopped.

♪ The people always shout

♪ John Jacob Jingleheimer... Aaah!

Paul, this is inhuman.

Ahem! I say, Freddy, it was absolutely lovely to invite us out of London for the weekend.

Yes, it's smashing to be here, Freddy.

It's my pleasure, Mr. and Mrs. Plumpton.

Okay, Bill, let's get 'em out.

Somebody stole my pants.

Yes, you did.

I did not, and I'm telling you I never will!

Could you give me a few more minutes? I just started the third act.

Yes, close the door! It's bloody chilly in here!

Yes, close the door, you fat...

Don't use that word around the children.

Yes! Power down.

Powering down.

Gordo, good work!

Way to go, Gordo!

Looks like he beat that motion sickness.

Nice ride, fella!

I shouldn't have had that liverwurst and headcheese sandwich before this.

Say, Randall, you know that iso chamber was a cakewalk.

This baby is a whole other animal.

How fast does this little tree twirl?

Nearly... 200 miles an hour.

That's six Gs. Bill there holds the record.

Have fun, kid.

Fun is my Chinese neighbor's middle name!

Man!

Smooth sailing, Randall.

Stand by.

All right. Let's try four Gs.

Make it five.

Whoa!

Whoa!

Whoa-oa!

A little...

...faster...

...please.

5.7... 5.8!

Thank... you!

Six Gs!

He tied your record, commander. Should I stop?

Give it a little gas! Make it seven.

Faster! Faster!

That's enough... Slow down...

Mommy!

I want my mommy!

What's the most important thing at NASA, children?

Safety!

Our Father, who art in heaven...

Here we go, Gary. Be brave, huh? Why don't you try walking?

Get out of the way!

Ouch.

Uh, sorry I'm late.

I... The...

I ran into Gary, and...

Get in the chair, Fred.

The other chair.

Sweet swirling onion rings!

Capacitor 15 goes into 12... Red over on the green... 19 over...

17 into 2, red over into green... And that's it!

Good, Randall. Really good.

The fastest time I've ever seen.

I designed most of these circuits.

How's it going?

Oh, he's doing great!

Let's see what happens under emergency conditions.

You've got one minute to complete the board, or your crew dies.

Begin.

You know what to do! You doubt yourself, you fail!

Ceiling! Wall! Floor! You guys!

It's moving too fast!

It'll be a 100 times worse in real life. Come on!

Randall...

Look at him! Randall!

Randall, you're hopeless!

How'd I do?

One minute and 30 seconds.

Remember, keep your Ping-Pong ball airborne as long as possible.

We're testing lung capacity to determine the time you'd survive a life-support malfunction.

The record's three minutes, held by Commander Overbeck.

Ford, do me a favor.

If by some miracle this kid makes it...

...watch out for him, will you?

Sir.

Hey, Ben.

Bud.

Bud!

Will you excuse us?

They're closing in on Bill's record.

Ben.

Bill, what do you think?

I think Gordo's an astronaut, and Randall isn't.

I don't know.

He broke the record!

It wasn't me! It wasn't me!

So we will be using a new system which generates artificial gravity.

Ms. Ford, do you expect to find life on Mars?

Absolutely. Along with my crew, including Ulysses, I think it is most likely we'll find microscopic unicellular organisms similar to those found in Antarctica.

Bernard Barrows, BBC.

Commander Overbeck, we've all read about the dangerous windstorms.

How will that affect the mission?

Well, as a former test pilot, I've experienced my share of wind problems.

But the ground crew has assured me that if we launch now, these storms shouldn't be any trouble.

Bernard Barrows, BBC.

Mr. Wick, has NASA selected a replacement crew member yet?

Well, I'm glad you asked that. Ben, you wanna take that?

Yes. I have made a decision on our... replacement, and the National Aeronautics and Space Administration is pleased, as I am pleased, to announce the appointment of astronaut and third crew member of the historic manned mission to Mars, Astronaut Fred Randall!


I'm not ready, Bud.

Fred, in '68, when President Johnson appointed me chief of operations, he gave me three commemorative coins.

One for honor, which I gave to Armstrong.

One for freedom. I gave that one to Lovell.

And one... for bravery.

It hasn't done me much good. Maybe it'll mean something to you.

I feel like the Cowardly Lion.

♪ If I were the king

♪ Of the forest

♪ I'd rrrruff and I'd rrrruff and I'd rrrruff ♪ Ha-ha!

How about just saying, "Thanks for the cool coin, Bud. It means a lot to me"?

Yeah, thanks for the cool coin. What was the rest?

You're welcome, Fred. Go on.

Good luck, Astronaut Randall!


All right, team, let's kick the tires and light the fires.

Don't worry, Ulysses. Everything's gonna be okay.

Nothing to be scared of.

I'm not scared. There's no reason you should be.

What's our status? Go.

Roger, 842. Booster?

Go.

APUs? Go.

OMS? Lookin' good.

Houston, we're getting close. Initiating final checklist.

Fuel cells. Check.

Hydraulics. Check.

CDPS, panel 6. MMU one.

LPL. AT&T?

GPC, mode 4. KFC.

EDP. YMCA.

GNC and five. BMW?

CNS. CNN.

CNS. IHOP?

Randall, computer navigation systems.

I have to go tinkle!

CNS, check.

ECIsS. Check.

APUs. APUs are go.

Abort switch off.

Initiating final launch sequence. All right, people, looking good.

T-minus ten. Let's light her up.

No, not yet!

Ten... nine...

Fifteen! Twenty-nine! ...seven...

There's a fly in my helmet! It went up my nose!

...three... two... one...

We have liftoff, 0232 GMT!


Yes!

Oh, my Lord...

I hope I packed him enough underwear.

I wouldn't worry, pumpkin.

He's packin' his own underwear right now.

Oh, my...

Are you guys seeing this?

My helmet!

Did you see that?

My face went back like this, and then this thing flew out of my mouth and...

Can we do that again?

I like this!

Hey, I'm floating up in the air! Like a little bird, like a crow!

Hey, look. There's a big field of corn down there!

Engaging artificial gravity in three... two... one.

Hey, Randall, take a look out the window.

Wow...

It really does look like a giant blueberry.

Hi, Mom.

Hi, Dad.

Commander, can I call you Bill?

No.

Are we there yet? No.

Could I drive? No!

I'm hungry.

Ulysses, it's yum-yum time!

Ow, the flesh, it burns!

Ow. Need some burn ointment.

You hungry, Ulysses? Here, you eat the monkey fruitcake.

Now go sit at the table. Sit at the table.

Randall, where's that dinner?

It's just coming out of the oven, Bill.

Okay, let's eat up. In 20 minutes we got a broadcast with the president and the entire free world.

If it's all the same, I'll sit that one out.

What's for dinner?

Prime rib with broccoli and mashed potatoes.

Oh, Julie's doing her Old Yeller impression!

Please, Pa. I don't want Yeller to die!

Fred, it's toothpaste!

That's not potatoes.

I'm sorry, what?

This is not...

Oh, man, this is hemorrhoid cream!

Hemorrhoid cream!

Hey, swallow your food there, fella!

Dear... Mr. President...

Dear world and Mr. President...

That came out of nowhere.

Oh, look out, Sally!

Careful you don't get sucked out when you flush.

What? Happens all the time.


Oh, no, Bud's coin!

Come to papa.

Good evening, my fellow Americans and citizens of the world.

We are privileged to speak live with our courageous Mars astronauts.

Good evening, commander.

Good evening, Mr. President. Welcome aboard the Aries.

I would like to say that this mission is intended to honor all of the peoples of the world, for space is about the highest yearning Are we on? ...of mank... of mankind.

I don't mean to cut you off, commander, but I spy Fred Randall, And I believe the world would like to know why he looks like a Smurf.

Officer Randall has duties to perform elsewhere.

We are on! As I was saying...

Say hello to the world, son.

Me? Yes, Mr. President...

I don't think that i... Tell them what it's like up here.

Yeah, son, you go ahead.

Mr. President, sir, from up here I can...

Well, I can see the whole world out that window, and...

Well, I know down there there's a lot of wars and so on and whatnot, but from up here I feel like I could take the whole world in my hands just like a ripe blueberry.

I feel like I could... It's almost like i...

♪ I got the whole world in my hands

♪ I got the whole world in my hands

♪ I've got the whole world in my hands

♪ I've got the whole world in my hands All right, now the French!

Now the Germans!

C'mon. Just the Western Hemisphere!

♪ He's got the whole world

♪ In his hands Come on, commander!

♪ He's got the whole wide world in his hands

♪ He's got the whole damn world in his hands

♪ He's got the whole world in his hands Everybody, now!

♪ He's got the whole world in his hands

Now the Chinese! C'mon, all you Chinese!


Hey, there's my star. What?

My star. When I was a kid, I picked one out of the sky.

Called it Fred's Star.

It was my own special place I could go to, and no one could ever find me.

That is so weird! I did that too. You did?

Yes!

Which one is yours?

Well, actually, it's that one, just to the right of the North Star.

Kinda flickering over there?

That's funny. Why?

That one's right next to... mine.

It's... It's amazing, isn't it, Julie?

Yeah.

Y'know, for all the research I've done, I still don't really understand what's out there.

I mean, I believe that there's something...

I just... I wish... I wish I...

Well, why don't you?

What?

Wish. Use your star. It's like that Jiminy Cricket song.

♪ When you wish upon a star

♪ Makes no difference who you are

♪ And when you wish

♪ Upon a star

♪ Your dreams

♪ Come

♪ True ♪ That's Jiminy Cricket.

I don't know about this hypersleep thing.

It's safe. You can't stay awake for eight months.

The boredom would drive you crazy.

Eight months? The eye crust alone could be dangerous! Hey, commander!

Ah! It burns the flesh!

So anyway, Ford, wake me up when we get to Mars.

You got it.

Good night, ladies.

So, I'll see you in eight months.

Boy, I wish I had $928 for every time a girl's said that to me.

Good night, Fred.

Good night, Julie Ford.

Well, it's a tale as old as time, Ulysses.

Boy meets girl, boy falls for girl, girl goes into hypersleep.

No, see, you can't be in here because yours is over there.

This is mine.

Okay, I'm going in here.

You can stay right there, and I'll take yours, you hairy little bed stealer!

Good night. Gotta close the door...

Just gotta close this...

Gotta close the door...


Oh! Eight-month-old morning breath.

Morning glory and hallelujah, commander!


Query. How long have I been asleep?

Thirteen minutes!

Gah! No!


Crazy blanket! No man could sleep with you!

Go to sleep. Go to sleep. Go to sleep. Go to sleep.

My darling, what a wonderful evening.

You look so beautiful tonight, so... full of life.

Your hair looks like corn silk, soft, snowy skin and your tangerine lips...

And your...

Hi! It's me again!

Whack, whack, whack!

Wake up, wake up, wake up, wake up, wake up!

Fred. Come out, Fred. You can't hide forever, Fred.

They're coming to get me, Fred. Bwana! It's me, Fred.

They've taken over the ship. Fifty, 60 of them!

I've had to hide in the jungle. Take this down.

I need four barrels of gunpowder, a machete, a goatskin, a guide that speaks Hutu...

Fred, snap out of it. Fred, snap out of it.

It wasn't me!


Hello? Hello?

Hello?

Fred?

Can I ask who's calling? Over.

It's Bud. Go to the private medical channel.

Where have you been? Why are you awake?

A series of very bad mistakes that happened all at once, but everything's fine and my spirits are high.

The ship is in shipshape, and the Hutu uprising is over. Over.

Forget the "overs." How can I keep this from Wick?

You don't have to. I reprogrammed the hypersleep monitors.

Ration your food. I'll do what I can.

Bud, I've been looking at the latest weather surveyor photos from Mars.

What are you talking about?

I can't be sure, but I think we may run into some nasty windstorms.

That's impossible. No one's picked that up.

I know. I almost missed it myself.

If you look in sectors 5 and 6 of the Valles Marineris...

Way too low. This could be bad.

What do we do?

Nothing. If Wick finds out you're awake, he'll go through the roof.

With this weather business, he'll have to reconsider the mission.

Reconsider the mission? Sure.

Okay, it's still on.

Look at these new readouts. The danger is real!

I don't have to look at anything! All my experts tell me everything's peachy, and you tell me to reconsider a $40 billion mission on a hunch?

That's right. Your hunches are worth as much as dental floss at a Willie Nelson concert.

I'll monitor this. If the data doesn't change...

You'll leave it to me to make the call, as always.

Voila.

February, March, April, May, June, July, August... Whoopsy. Wake-up time.

Hypersleep over.

Come on, Ford. I'm starving!

Randall, why are you dressed like that?

What have you been doing?

Oh, just making coffee. I'm a morning person.

Morning, Julie.

What happened in here?

Well, I'll be the first to say it. It looks like we've got space rats.

Space rats?

You've been awake!

No! It wasn't me! It was the hairy one!

Him! The naughty!

Well, it's obvious he's very sorry and doesn't want to talk about it.

Oh, my God.

Wow.

Turns out Ulysses is one of those rare...

...genius... painting monkeys.

That's food.

You've been awake the whole time, and you used up all of our food!

Didn't you? No.

Look at this! What are we supposed to do now, fish?

Look! Look! It's gone! We're doomed!

I've got backup supplies. Lots of backups.

Oh, what have you got here? Anchovy paste. I love this stuff!

Creamed liver! This is good. It's good for your gums.

Gefilte fish! I'm not eating gefilte fish for the rest of this trip!

Bill. What?

We're here.


All right, kids, here we go.

Randall, stop eating and pay attention.

Houston, we have separation. Request permission for descent burn.

Roger, Pilgrim. Confirm separation.

Roger that.

Separation confirmed. You are go for descent burn.

Roger that, Houston. Commencing burn.

Pilgrim is through the high gate at 80 percent.

Status?

Aeroshell deployed. Deceleration rate: Normal.

They have entered Martian atmosphere.

Bill, we've got a problem! Glide slope increasing!

I see it, Ford.

We're losing stable trajectory. Randall, status.

We need a 5 percent Z gimbal correction.

No, wait, wait... I need a number!

10 percent. No, 12! Trajectory's eroding!

Is it ten or 12? I'm going with 12.

Initiating 12 percent Z gimbal course correction.

Communication shutdown for three minutes.

I knew it was 12.

Holy cow.

Look at that.

Engaging landing thrusters.

It's okay, little fella. It's gonna be okay.

Pilgrim, this is Houston.

Pilgrim, do you copy?

Pilgrim, this is Houston. Come in, please.

Houston, this is Planitia Base. The Pilgrim has landed.

Commander Overbeck is the first out of the capsule and within seconds will step onto the surface of Mars and into the history books.

This is a very big day for us, Ben. Very big.

Mr. President, peoples of the world, for a poor farm boy from Iowa, this is one heck of an honor to be the first man...

Fred, go slowly... ...to set foot on Mars.

It wasn't me!

Randall, I'm gonna kick your butt!

My God!

It's amazing!

We're the first to ever stand on Mars!

Now you're the biggest idiot on two planets.

We're the first to talk on Mars!

Hey, Julie, I'm the first to walk backwards on Mars!

First to blow a kiss on Mars!

Hey, you're the first to blush on Mars.

Fred!

How'd you like to be the first to die on Mars?

Well, sorry, Mr. First To Show Inappropriate Anger On Mars!

I'm not listening. I'm turning this radio off.

You're the first to not listen to me on Mars.

Na, na, na, na, na. Please talk to me.

I wanna get to know you more for the first time on Mars.

Are we there yet? No.

Can I drive? No!

You never let me drive! Shut up.

There's no airbag. What if I fly through the windshield?

There is no windshield.

Well, what if I go flying through the front of my helmet?

I'd die happy.

Well, this is it. Valles Marineris.

Stop here, Ford. This'll be perfect.

This is where we plant the flag.

Roger.

I'll set up the weather station, take drilling samples and be back in an hour.

I'll offload this equipment. Rendezvous back here at 1400 hours.

1400 hours. Check.

Be careful out there, Ford.

All right, this is the spot. It's the perfect spot right here.

Randall, where's that flag?

It's coming, commander.

It wasn't me!

But I'll get it! I saw where it went.

Hey, hey, hey, hey!

You moron!

Who are you talking to?

You realize what you've just done?

I waited my whole life for this, to plant a flag on a distant planet.

Now I'm on a distant planet, which was the hard part, and I don't have a flag 'cause you lost it!

Don't worry, commander. I've got another flag.

A high-flying flag! A proud flag! A wonderful flag!

What are you doing?

We're making history, commander.

Randall.

And... salute!

Huh? Ten-hut!

It's the president.

Why don't I just throw myself off this cliff?

Why don't I throw you off? Don't worry, they're clean.

We got a red on Overbeck.

Oxygen tank leak. We need to preserve his SOP.

Solution?

Emergency tie line. Hook him into another suit.

Do it, doc.

Bill, this is Houston. You got a leak in your primary tank.

I see it. What do we do?

Hook up your emergency line with Randall's spare vent and share till you get back to the Pilgrim.

Houston, is that sanitary?

Hey, commander? Yeah?

Do you believe in UFOs at all?

Sure, I believe in UFOs.

You do?

Yeah. There's one following me.

Huh? Oh, I get it! You're funny, commander!

Commander?

Yeah?

When I was a kid, at night I thought there was a baker under my bed.

Did you ever have anything under your bed?

No.

Did you ever bend down and look?

No.

How do you know there wasn't a baker?

Randall, shut up.

Hey, commander?

Yeah?

I seem to be experiencing intense intestinal cramps.

Randall, I'm trying to conserve oxygen here.

But they hurt me so. Keep it to yourself.

Ow. Ow. Wait a minute.

If we stay on this heading another 20 minutes, we'll see the Pilgrim.

What? I didn't do anything.

Oh, my God. No, no, no.

Hey, hey, hey, hey. Don't do that.

No, no. Come on.

Oh, man!

Oh!

Oh!

It wasn't me. What do you mean?

We're 35 million miles from the nearest person!

Heart rate up, adrenaline up, stomach muscles spasming!

Overbeck's in distress. Look at these methane levels.

Methane?

Oh, it's in my mouth!

Hey, he who smelt it dealt it!

What?

I'm having trouble breathing.

You're having trouble breathing? My eyes are burning!

Truly, it wasn't me! Maybe it was Julie.

You dog!

Hey, miracles can happen.

Blaming this on Julie!

Okay, I admit it was me.

Thank you!

Now that was Julie!

I think Fred's right. The winds are coming early.

Maybe two or three days. Look at these readings.

We should still be all right tomorrow.

Wait. No. It's not gonna be all right.

My calculations are telling me that these two high-pressure systems are coming together faster than we could have predicted.

Tomorrow.

When that happens, we're nothing more than a dust bunny in a vacuum bag.

You go out there, you're not comin' back.

What are you doing, Randall? What are you doing?

It's not enough that you broke every record I ever set, that you humiliated me on global television, you ruined the most important moment of my life by stepping on Mars first?

That's not enough for you! You've got to do this!

No. This one is mine.

We came to Mars to gather fossil samples.

We're not leaving until I accomplish this!

Wait. Bill, I don't want to abort this mission any more than you do, but...

...i know he's right.

If we don't leave before this storm hits, we don't leave.

All right, what do you suggest?

Tomorrow morning we check the readings. If they're bad...

...we abort.

All right. Fine.

Let's get some sleep.

What did Overbeck say? To wait till morning.

Maybe I was wrong about the winds. I shouldn't have said anything.

I wanna tell you something, Fred. About the 13 mission.

The day before launch, I caught a glitch in the tank's stirring circuits.

Didn't look serious, but I went to Wick, told him to postpone until we could greenlight the system.

He said there was no way we'd push back the launch date, that I was overreacting, imagining a problem when there was none.

So Apollo 13 was Wick's fault?

No. I had the authority to stop that launch, but I didn't.

If those astronauts hadn't pulled off some major miracles, they would have been dead, and it would've been my fault.

I won't let that happen this time. I'll get you guys out of this.

Hey, Bud. I'd be proud to end up like you.

I copy that.

Bud out.

The mushroom people are coming! Get them away!

Fred! Wake up! Fred!

Bill is gone. He took Ulysses and the spare backpack, and he is gone.

Sweet mother of meat!

Huh? Uh-oh!

All right, buddy, here we are.

Go on... Go on...

How are they doin' up there?

Good morning, sir. We're about to wake them.

Would you like this one?

Oh, great.

It's over, Paul.

Sir, I'm making the call. We abort now.

No one's listening, Bud. Don't make me call security.

I won't let another disaster happen!

This man has ignored the warnings of our crew on Mars.

Security, would you come in here? Our mission is in jeopardy.

Bud...

Don't make this any harder. Don't do this, sir.

Bud, we're all under a lot of stress. You just need rest.

Ben, those people are gonna die.

Bud, you have totally lost it.

We haven't had any negative reports.

Get him out of here, please.

Paul, we've got a contact on emergency frequency.

On screen. Pilgrim, this is Houston.

Houston, the storms are here! Wind speed at 45 mph and rising!

Visibility dropping. Houston, what should we do?

Houston, please advise!

Paul?

Randall, no, that's impossible.

Our weather analysis...

Mr. Wick, I've never seen anything like this.

It reminds me of a French Canadian...

Tennis racket stuck to the...

Bubbling out of my sister's...

Brazilian donkey!

I can't be any clearer!

Wick, get 'em off that planet!

Do as he says, Paul.

Ben, we had no way of knowing.

I followed procedure, Ben.

I followed procedure!

Paul, unplug and go home.

Unplug and go home?

Nesbitt, you're in command.

Houston, do you copy? Come in!

We copy. Please stand by.

Don't stare at me! We got a crew out there!

Let's bring 'em home.

Houston, wind speed continues to increase.

This is bad, Paul.

Ford, it's Bud. Listen carefully.

If the wind keeps building, in 20 minutes, liftoff will be impossible.

Launch now.

No! Commander Overbeck and Ulysses are still out there!

They're lost now. You're not.

Launch!

I'm going after them. What?

Fred? Fred, answer me! Fred!

Can't hear you! We're fading out fast!

Fred!

If I'm not back in 20 minutes, you have to take off without me!

You will be back.

Twenty minutes, and then take off! Fred!

Twenty minutes, right? Not 15 or anything?

All right.

Twenty-one is okay too.


Ford, what's going on?

I'm losing you! Julie!

Commander!

Commander Overbeck!

Ulysses!

Ulysses!

Where are you? Answer me!

There you are!

I've told you not to walk around in Martian dust storms!

We've got to find the commander.

Where are they?

Commander!

Commander Overbeck!

Randall?

Commander, is that you?

Randall! It is you!

All right, stand back, little fella. Nothin' to see here.

What are you doing here? Get back to the ship and save yourself!

Sorry, I can't do that.

That's an order!

I've got to get you out.

I can't lift it.

They say when a mother's child is trapped, the rush of her adrenaline gives her the strength of 20 men.

Commander, call me "Mommy"! What?

Call me "Mommy," now!

I'd rather die in the Martian dirt!

Who am I? Just lift the stinkin' thing!

Who am I?

Mommy.

Say it like you love me.

Mommy... Please, Mommy, save me.

Mommy's coming, little Billy! Save me!

Live, child! Live!

You're alive, little Billy!

Don't you ever call me little Billy!

That's no way to talk to your mother.

Houston, this is Ford.

Julie, where's Fred?

Still out there. I'm initiating launch sequence.

They still have time!

Give 'em a chance!

I know what I'm doing.

Which way, commander?

Can't get a reading. Get down behind that rock.

Come on, Ulysses.

I'll go out there and take a closer look.

It's the Pilgrim!

It's too late! She's taking off!

She's guiding us with the engines! Come on!

I'll get Ulysses. Ulysses...

Ulysses.

The tank's empty!

We'll share air.

We don't have a spare hose!

Then I'll give him mine. You don't leave friends behind.

You gonna hold your breath? You'll never make it!

Don't forget, I'm the new NASA record holder for lung capacity.

That was three minutes! This is, what, four, maybe five?

You ignore me the whole trip, and now that I have no air you wanna chat?

Randall...

Randall? Randall! Randall!

Oh, no, not now!

Twenty minutes are up.

Wait... I see someone!

Ford, what's going on?

I got it!

Ford, who is it? Julie, do you copy?

Fred, are you there? Fred? Copy, somebody!

Bill! Where's Fred?

He should've been here. Don't launch.

There he is!

Fred... He's going the other way! Fred!

Hey! Fred!

Get me outta this! What are you doing?

It's empty anyway.

He's holding his breath out there. Oh, my God!

If we're not back in five minutes...

Hurry! Hurry, Bill!

Bill, is he all right? Is he okay?

He's not breathing! Get his helmet off!

Don't even think about it, Randall!

Houston, this is Pilgrim...

Carol Ann? Go into the light, honey.

Houston?

Oh, it's you! Ulysses! No! Julie!

No... Ulysses needs air!

Houston! Come in! We're on board.

We need go for launch. Get the hell out of there!

Roger that. Preparing for launch.

Not the hairy one! Take me!

Priming main thrusters. Rocket boosters intact.

Fred? Fred! Fred, he's fine! He's just resting.

Thrusters go in three, two...

Hold on. ...one.

We have liftoff.

Fifty meters.

One hundred.

Increasing velocity. 200 meters.

Course is good. Nice flying, Uncle Walnut.

One thousand. Two thousand.

Increasing velocity.

Five thousand... Six thousand...

Eight thousand. You're almost clear of the storm.

Ten thousand.

All systems green. I think we made it.

What the heli was that?

Houston, we've had an impact! It wasn't me!

Navigation controls compromised!

Switching to auxiliary power. We're losing velocity.

Status!

ECIsS down, OMS down, visual contact down.

It's a total kill. Solutions!

Randall rewires the entire circuitry in less than two minutes.

Bud, what do we do here?

We do nothing.

Pilgrim is in a freefall.

Nav controls are out. I need the engine computers up now!

This time it was definitely not me!

Switching to manual. Randall, check below.

Randall, how's it look down there?

Like this!

Well, fix it!

Stop this ship from tumbling and give me a week!

You've got two minutes!

To recap, the Pilgrim was caught in a violent sandstorm and is now tumbling towards Mars.

We're standing by to hear the latest NASA has to say about this terrible incident.

4,500 meters, dropping fast.

Ninety seconds to impact.

Tell me straight. Can he do it?

Only a complete genius or a total fool could pull this off.

Lucky for us he's both.

Any power yet, Bill?

Nothing. We're in a flat spin.

This would be a terrific time to fix that! Any time now would be good!

60 seconds to impact. System's still red.

We have audio link.

Fred?

Fred, can you hear me?

Bud... I'm down below. Everything's spinning.

I don't know what to do!

Focus. It's like in training. The rotating chair with the wires.

That was a real winner! You can do this.

Trust your instincts.

Now!

Fred, come on! You can do it.

Thirty seconds! Don't give up, Fred!

Come on!

Gotta close the circuit.

Come on, Fred. Fifteen seconds to impact.

Need something...

You're the man!

Come on. Ten seconds!

Bud's coin! Come on!

Yee-haa!

We got power!

You did it, Fred!

Yes! Yes! Yes!

Put on the porch light, Mama! We're comin' home!

Oh, Magoo. You've done it again, sir!

That little space rock's gonna make you real famous, Julie Ford.

So, what's next for you, rocketman?

Well, actually, I was thinking about asking you to dance.

Oh, well, thanks, but I think we've done that before.

Wait. I had a little time on my hands recently, and I've been practicing.

That, and I got a bit creative with the space blankets.


♪ When you wish upon a star

♪ Makes no difference who you are

♪ Anything your heart desires

♪ Will come to you

♪ Like a bolt out of the blue

♪ Fate steps in

♪ And sees you through

♪ When you wish

♪ Upon a star

♪ Your dreams

♪ Come

♪ True ♪

Sweet dreams, lovebirds.

So, I guess I'll see you in eight months.

Good night, Fred.

It's a tale as old as time, Ulysses.

Boy meets girl.

Boy falls for girl.

Boy and girl return to home planet, get a nice house with a picket fence and live happily...

No!

No, not again! Ulysses! No!