What's it gonna be, Angelina?
It was Grogan the filthiest, dirtiest, dumbest excuse for a man west of the Missouri River.
You can die two ways, angel.
Quick, like the tongue of a snake, or slower than the molasses in January.
But it was October...
I'll kill ya, damn it, if it's the Fourth of July.
Where is it?
Get over there.
I told him to get out, now that he had what he came for.
Not quite, angel.
Take 'em off. Do it.
That was the end of Grogan, the man who killed my father, raped and murdered my sister, burned my ranch, shot my dog and stole my Bible.
But if there was one law of the West, bastards had brothers who seemed to ride forever.
But suddenly there he was, my beloved Jessie.
He was the one man I trusted, the only man.
My heart leapt as I watched him ride near.
I could barely wait to feel the warmth of his touch.
At the moment his lips met mine, I knew that we would never again be apart.
I knew then that we would spend the rest of our lives together.
Oh, God, that's good.
I finished, sweetheart. You wanna celebrate?
So do I.
Romeo, Romeo. Where art thou, Romeo?
It's Bumble Bee, kiddo.
Just so you know, I spare no expense when I celebrate.
Here's looking at you, Jessie.
Whoever you are.
Are you finished?
Come here, Romeo.
Oh, my God, Romeo. Is that the time?
Gloria. I'm gonna be late.
Hi. Hi, pumpkin.
Mrs lrwin, why won't you take the elevator?
Oh, pumpkin, I never get in an elevator alone. You know - rapists.
Where are you running off to? I've got to get to my publisher's.
By the way, the mailman couldn't fit this into your box, so I told him I'd give it to you.
Some love letter.
Mrs lrwin, you're a tease.
I know, but I keep hoping for you, pumpkin.
Hey, lady. How about a monkey for your nephew?
I'll give you it for $10. Great deal.
It's really nice. Your boyfriend'll love it. It's kinda kinky.
$9. $8, bottom line.
Thank you, but I really don't need a monkey.
But, lady, it's kinda cute...
Hey. That's Miss Wilder's apartment.
Can I help you?
Get away from that door.
Too angry. Too vague.
Too desperate. God, too happy.
Look at this guy. Mr Mondo-dizmo. I used to date him.
Total sleaze bucket.
Wait a minute.
Hold everything. Get a load of this character.
Now what about him?
No, he's just not...
Maybe it's silly, but I know that there is somebody out there for me.
Oh, yeah? Where?
Certainly not here.
Gloria, why do we always have to have this same conversation?
Because I like you, Joan, and I hate to see you all alone, waiting for somebody who's not gonna show up.
Here it is.
Read it and weep. I always do.
I'll call you, OK? Come on. Have another grasshopper.
I can't. I'm your publisher. I'm ordering you to.
I'm sorry I even dragged you to this place. I just wanted you to get out.
I know how hard you've been working. I know you're upset about your sister.
How is she? Have you heard from her?
Elaine? I spoke to her last week. She's still in Colombia.
Have they found her husband's body yet?
Just the one piece.
You know what's creepy? I got this package from Eduardo.
Must have been mailed just before he...
Can you imagine? Having your husband murdered.
How is she holding up?
Oh, she'll be fine. Elaine always manages.
The kid's here with the broad. They're taking her to the boat.
Look at these snappers, will ya?
We shoulda just rifled her room.
Ralph, how many times do I have to tell you? It's not in the country.
This kidnapping stuff makes me real nervous.
It's a piss-poor idea. It's nothing but trouble.
Look. We've stolen enough of these antique trinkets to keep us living comfortably for the rest of our lives.
Let's kiss off this Third World toilet.
One last big one. Trust me, Ralph.
Did you see that? That ugly, striped son of a bitch down there?
Somebody's gonna get killed, and you fart around with prehistoric animals.
Come on, Ira. Let's forget this one. I got a real bad feeling about it.
Will you stop worrying? Have I ever hurt you?
I will never hurt you. I can't hurt you. We got the same blood.
We're not two people. We are one person. Would I hurt me?
Look at those snappers.
Romeo. Oh, baby.
Hello? Hello, Joan?
Can you hear me? Elaine? I can't talk right now.
Listen to me. Listen very carefully.
I'm in trouble. Elaine, please.
Jeanie, I am in real trouble. What's the matter?
Has any mail been forwarded to you with Eduardo's handwriting on it?
Any big envelope?
Yes. Oh. Honey...
See if there's some kind of treasure map inside.
It says El Corazén.
I need you to bring that map to me in Colombia.
My God. What kind of trouble are you in?
Get to the Hotel Cartagena in Cartagena.
When you arrive, call this number.
Are you writing this down? Yes.
And remember, you mustn't tell anybody.
Elaine, I can't go to Colombia.
They'll cut me. They'll hurt me.
Do you know what it's like in Colombia? I do.
You sell very well in these macho countries.
They have jungles there, Jeanie. Insects the size of sanitation trucks.
Revolutionaries. Have you had your shots?
Shots? What shots?
See? You're completely unprepared. Wait a minute.
Would you tell me what's going on? Why are you doing this?
Elaine is in some trouble.
She has a little domestic problem.
Elaine's last domestic problem was finding her husband cut into small pieces.
I'm not gonna let you do this. You cannot go!
I want you to promise me to feed him and hold him at least once a day.
You'll need something stronger than that.
Listen to me. You get bus sick, seasick, plane sick, train sick.
You practically puke riding on the escalator at Bloomingdale's!
Well, a lot of people get sick in department stores.
Jeanie, please. Don't go.
You're not up to this, Joan, and you know it.
I know, but she's my sister.
I'll feed him, but I'm not picking him up.
The plane from New York, has it arrived yet?
Is this the bus to Cartagena?
Oh, you speak English. Good.
Can you tell me, is this bus going to Cartagena?
Great. Thank you.
Hey, you're on the wrong bus!
Miss Wilder! She got on the wrong bus. This is terrible.
I'm very sorry. I'm really sorry.
I'm sorry to bother you.
Can you tell me what time we get to Cartagena?
Is this the bus to Cartagena?
I need to get to Cartagen...
What are we gonna do now?
Where's my suitcase?
You don't have to walk. Another bus will come along.
They know nothing. They are peasants.
Another bus? Really?
There are schedules to be maintained, even in Colombia.
What? The purse.
What do you...
What the hell...?
Jesus Christ! What the hell happened to my birds?
Son of a bitch!
I demand this car in the name of the law.
Turn the car around. Let's go!
Oh, no. Talk about breaks.
Don't I know you?
You are American.
I spit on 'em. I hate americanos. They're scumo. Scum.
Are you French?
Well, honey, looks like we're gonna have to wait just a little longer.
Excuse me. Could you please tell me how to get to a telephone?
No, lady. I don't have any idea. I'm sorry. It's very important that I get one.
Well, we've all got our problems today, don't we?
Can you tell me where the nearest town is?
How about Miami? Will there be another bus?
This is it. You got rush hour.
I have to get to Cartagena. Cartagena?
Angel, you are hell and gone from Cartagena.
Cartagena's over there on the coast.
But they told me this bus... Who told you that?
That man that... That nice man who pulled a gun on you.
What else did he tell you?
Please, I need your help. That's my new career, huh?
It's very imp... Lady.
Half a year's work just flew south for the winter, all right?
My Jeep is totalled.
In about five minutes, everything I own is gonna be wet. So could you lighten up?
I'll pay you. You don't understand. It's a matter of life and death...
You said you lost everything you owned.
Not my sense of humour. I'll pay you $100.
I'll do it.
For five. What?
I'll pay you $250.
Now, I ain't cheap, but I can be had.
My minimum price for taking a stranded woman to a telephone is $400.
Will you take 375 in traveller's cheques? American Express?
Of course. You got a deal.
Assemble your men! Yes, sir!
You got any valuables in that suitcase?
No. Yes, all my clothes and things.
You got an umbrella? No.
You got a good pair of walking shoes? They're all like these.
OK, let's make some time.
Goddamn it, what a ride, huh?
I'm telling you, this is turning out to be one hell of a morning.
I said, are you hurt?
What's the matter? Paralysed from the neck up? Are you hurt?
What's your name?
I'm Joan Wilder.
Joan Wilder, welcome to Colombia.
Oh, hi, Ma. It's me, Irving Ralph, you little twerp, where are you? Calm down, Ma. Who says I never call?
For Christ's sake, tell me the story.
All right, cousin. As usual, you got us in some serious shit here.
First of all, the stupid dame got on the wrong bus.
Now I'm stuck in some kind of spicko military compound.
They're mobilising for lwo Jima here.
Do they know who you are? What do you think?
I'm going up, introducing myself to every cop in the pueblo?
And another little tidbit, cousin.
Guess who else is here?
Zolo. Well, give the man a cigar.
You're goddamned right, Zolo. He got in my car.
Not only are we kidnappers, but I'm about to have a close encounter with a cattle prod.
Has he got his boys with him? No, no, no.
He's making do with the local yo-yos.
Look. Goddamn it, Ralph. Get that map.
Don't yell at me, Ira. Don't yell at me.
Look, you wanna kill me?
Take me back to Queens and kill me.
Don't let me die in a jungle like a goddamned snake.
Ralph, goddamn it, I don't care what you gotta do. Just get me that map.
Little sister took the wrong road.
And that third party I told you about, he's tagging along.
The man who killed my husband? The butcher who killed your husband.
A very powerful man with his own private army to back him up.
And whether he calls himself Dr Zolo, Minister of Antiquities, or Colonel Zolo, Deputy Commander of the Secret Police, he's still just a butcher.
Look at those snappers, will ya?
What's the matter? You sick? No. I lost my button.
You lost what? I lost my button.
You're gonna lose a lot more than that.
These were Italian. Now they're practical.
Is nothing that I own sacred to you?
Only your $375.
What the hell do they want?
I haven't done anything lately.
I'm shooting at a cop.
Wait a minute. He's after you.
Who the hell are you? I'm a romance novelist.
What are you doing here?
I told you. My sister's life depends on me.
Don't give me that shit. I thought you were donating a kidney or something.
Christ, here they come.
This may be a good time to try on those shoes.
Wait. Deal's off, lady.
Lady, you are bad news.
What'd you do? Wake up this morning and say, "Today I'm gonna ruin a man's life"?
Do you know where you're going? Looks like a trail.
This is a trail?
Lady, you are a jinx.
What about the bridge?
That ain't a bridge. It's goddamn pre-Columbian art.
We can't get across that.
We're gonna hold them off right from here. You just stay right behind me.
Goddamn it. I knew I should've listened to my mother.
I could've been a cosmetic surgeon.
500,000 a year, up to my neck in tits and ass.
Lady, I hope you're taking notes, cos you got a real-live death scene going on right here.
Romantic novelist, my ass.
We can't cross. We won't catch them up.
What the hell are you doing?
Drinkin'? I could've been killed, and you're drinkin'?
Oh, yes. I will catch them up. Let's go!
Are we stopping?
Be my guest.
Is anybody else in there? No.
No, it's a cargo plane.
What is all this?
All this? About five to life in the States. A couple of centuries down here.
Oh, you smoke it?
I went to college.
All right. OK.
Oh, God, do I love those flyboys.
This is Elaine's favourite drink.
You gonna tell me about that sister of yours?
I already did.
Her husband died and I've come down here to comfort her.
It's the truth.
Right. Yeah, it's the truth.
All right. I'm gonna make a fire.
You got any dry matches in here?
Well, looky here.
Oh, no, don't!
You and I ought to have a talk.
Yeah, that's what I call a campfire.
So they're ransoming your sister for this El Corazén.
That's Spanish for "the heart".
This map here leads to the heart.
But the heart of what?
I don't care.
You see here where it says this El Corazén is hidden in Cérdoba province?
So we're sitting right in the middle of it.
All I care about is my sister. And that map is her life.
Like hell it is. Whatever's at the end of this map is your sister's life.
Now, we get our hands on this El Corazén, then you got something to bargain with.
I knew it would happen. You knew what would happen?
All you care about is yourself. I knew that from the moment I laid eyes on you.
Oh, was that the first moment when I saved your ass?
You see? There you go. You have no finesse, no style.
A real man doesn't have to draw attention to his actions.
You're just... You're a mondo-dizmo.
What am I? I'm what?
You're a man who takes money from stranded women.
A real man is honest and forthright, and trustworthy.
Would you please do me the courtesy of looking at me when I'm speaking to you?
I mean, this is exactly what I'm talking about.
If you had any kind of manners...
Is it poisonous?
But very tasty.
See, you gotta figure sulphur-crested cockatoos, they go for about 800 a shot.
Then you got gentle red-tails. They're close to 2,000 each.
I figure I lost close to 15,000 bucks in that bus crash.
You want to know something crazy?
What? I don't even know your name.
Well, you never asked me.
Excuse me. I'd really like to know. Colton. Jack T Colton.
What does the T stand for? Goddamn it, man.
The Doobie Brothers broke up.
When did that happen? How long have you been down here?
Forever. I don't know.
Were you always into birds?
No, no. I was...
I was into shortcuts.
Birds just seemed to be a fast way to get what I wanted.
And a hell of a lot healthier than dealing in this crap.
What is it you want?
I think I'll throw another key on the fire. No, please. I'm getting dizzy.
What do you want, seriously?
I'd really like to know.
Came down here on a coffee boat about a year and a half ago, right?
Christ, what a job that was.
But I couldn't get over that ocean, you know.
Yeah, I love the ocean.
You know, you just gotta get out there all by yourself.
Nobody else around.
So that's what I want.
Try to get enough money together, buy a boat, sail around the world.
So you're just gonna sail away, all by yourself?
Sounds lonely, Jack T Colton.
Well, what does the T stand for?
Man, I tell ya... One hell of a morning.
It's turned into a bitch of a day.
Tenedor del Diablo.
The Devil's Fork.
Friendly, aren't they? Drug runners.
Just try to look mean.
What's the matter? Nothing.
OK, here we go. What?
I knew I should have listened to my mother.
Excuse me. Gentlemen, we are in need of a car.
Can any of you lovely gentlemen tell me where...
Only one car in village. Juan, the bell maker.
The bell maker.
Bell maker, my ass.
That fuselage we slept in is probably one of Juan's lost shipments.
You mean he's a drug de...? Don't say it out loud, OK?
A dope...? Come on, let's go.
You hold back. This one, I'll handle.
What do you want, gringo? You speak English? That's great.
We understand that you have a car. We would like to rent or buy it.
We have to get to a town.
What do you call this I'm livin' in? A pigsty?
No. This is lovely...
Hit the road. Amigo, you don't understand...
Hit the road. Sefior, I'd...
It's no problem.
OK, Joan Wilder. Write us out of this one.
Joan Wilder? The Joan Wilder?
You are Joan Wilder, the novelist? Yes, I am.
I read your books. I read all your books. Come in.
This is Juanita Wilder, who writes the books I read to you on Saturdays.
I can't believe you're here. Joan Wilder.
I've been reading your books all these years.
I'm so honoured to have you here.
Welcome to my humble house.
I'm sorry. I haven't introduced myself. I'm Juan. I live here.
The greatest novelist. Get the door, please.
Come in. Make yourself at home.
Ever read The Return of Angelina? No.
That woman makes me hungry.
How about Love's Wicked Kiss? I haven't read that either.
Take it. I have many copies. I have here The Ravagers and I am waiting for Angelina's Savage Secret.
I am so glad you're here in Colombia.
I want to show you all around my beautiful village.
We have colourful tile roofs, typical cobblestone streets, and very rich fields.
I was born here, and so was my poor family.
What I really want is a phone.
No phones. I hate phones. I don't have a phone.
But have a drink. Let's hang out.
Like it? I can be in one of your books.
Oh, your drink. I got Southern Comfort.
Or Michelob, Kirin, Becks, Dos Equis, Perrier, Anchor Steam, Doctor Brown...
How about a Xerox machine? Yes, but she is broken.
Where is the nearest phone? Many miles from here.
Can we get there in your car? Who told you I had a car?
The men in the village.
They told you I had a car? They're such comedians.
They meant my little mule, Pepe.
Not bad for a little mule, eh?
Now Pepe's warming up.
What are we stopping for? I can't hurt my favourite pig.
See over there by the fence? That's where my mother was born.
See that tree? The third tree up the ridge? My brother planted that tree.
OK, Pepe, let's lose 'em.
This guy's crazier than I am. Gracias. Yeah.
What the hell ya doin'? That field was cover.
I wanted to show you this other field.
This guy who's following you, he's very persistent.
No problem. My little mule is fireproof.
See that river? The one without the bridge?
It is the water supply for many villages. What do you mean, without the bridge?
It feeds into the Amazon. The one without the bridge.
Where the hell you going? Lupe's Escape. I used it often in the past.
You're OK now.
You need little mule to use Lupe's Escape.
That river is impossible to cross for 200 miles in either direction.
In fact, over that mountain the river becomes wild. Muy peligroso.
Angelina country. Right, Joan?
Whatever happened to Lupe?
Terrible disappointment to family. I can imagine.
He entered the priesthood. So I took over the business.
Is for the best. I'm not so reckless.
He might have ended up hanging from El Tenedor del Diablo there.
It used to happen to bandidos. El Tenedor del Diablo?
Hey, let's hit it. We're on a roll.
I'm sorry I cannot take you to Cartagena. Beyond this town I am a wanted man.
But the bus will take you in the morning.
Of all the things you can say to me right now, "I've lost her", Ralph, is gonna get the most teeth broken in your mouth.
If they're hiking through the jungle, there's nothin' I can do about it.
I have a car. I am not Tarzan.
I have been through every one-horse shithole for a 200-mile radius.
You shoulda seen the river I had to traverse this morning.
So don't give me any of your crap, you gutless wonder.
You have been an embarrassment to me and the whole family ever since you were born.
And one more thing, Ira...
You are the luckiest son of a bitch that walked the face of the earth. She's here.
She's there? She's right here.
She's coming right toward the phone booth.
She's with some guy.
How do I know? She likes guys. So do you, maricén.
Yeah, all the rooms have baths. That's great. You speak English too.
You wouldn't have a Xerox machine around here, would ya?
Yeah. We have one in the back.
And it's big enough to take map size?
Yes, I understand. I'll do that.
Elaine is all right.
They'll wait for me to take the bus tomorrow.
That's great. Slide, man. You're covered. I don't know. He sounded so smug.
Who? That bastard that's got Elaine.
Sure he is. You're bringing him what he wants - the map.
Well, I guess this is it.
I guess so.
-$375. That was the contract, right? Yeah. That was it.
The least I can do is buy you dinner. Looks like it's gonna be a helluva party.
I'd like that.
Listen, I got a room in the hotel.
Why don't you go get cleaned up? I'll buy us some new rags.
Number seven. Seven? That's my lucky number.
It's just beautiful.
Thank you, Jack.
I think your writing's hot. It's great.
I mean it. I'm tellin' ya, I'm impressed. lam.
You've never even read the book. I know.
It's my way of living in another age.
If you did that, I never would have met you.
I got you something.
Let's dance. I can't.
I'll show you.
I lost my langostino.
Someday, if I had the money, I'd take you and sail away.
Just the two of us.
Around the world and back again.
I promise you we'd do that.
Why haven't you taken the map away from me?
What are you talking about?
I saw that tree today, the Devil's Fork, that's on the map.
You know how close we are? Sure, but what's that got to do with it?
I was thinking about what you said, about having more to bargain with.
Yeah. Your best way to help Elaine is to get that treasure.
Then you could waltz into Cartagena. You're holding all the cards.
I'd love to see you on that boat.
But, Jack, if we have to give it up to save Elaine...
Then we give it up. It's your sister.
Hell, yeah. Of course we give it up.
But at least we've got the leverage to do it.
Let's go for it.
He just won't quit.
What are you doing? I'm hot-wiring the car.
Try the key.
There it is. That's the shrine.
This can't be all. There's gotta be another clue.
Well, landmarks change, things grow. All that stuff, you know.
You hear that?
You all right? Yeah.
This has got to be it.
What does Leche de la Madre mean?
Leche de la Madre? Yeah. It's on the map.
It means "mother's milk".
I'll be goddamned.
Mama, I'm home.
I can't believe I'm doing this. What?
Digging for treasure with you.
You're the best time I've ever had.
Never been anybody's best time before.
It's a priceless statue.
Somebody out there's got a really sick sense of humour.
Wait a minute. My first book, Treasures of Lust, I hid the treasure inside the statue.
Jesus Christ, we're in a lot of trouble.
Understatement of the year, asshole.
Is there anybody who isn't following you?
Put the goods in the bag.
Now move it, before Batman comes home.
It's time I had a chauffeur, Miss Wilder.
Back off me, creep. Just back off.
Oh, I'm the creep, huh? At least I'm honest.
I'm stealin' this stone. I'm not tryin' to romance it out from under her.
Wait a minute. Going for the stone was my idea.
That's what all the good con artists want you to think.
He made you think you needed it, you sap.
Get in and drive. Move it.
See how you like being stuck in...
Which way do we go? Follow that stone.
Where the hell are you goin'? Where am I goin'?
How about Lupe's Escape?
Where you goin'? Quit steering. You're not going anywhere.
What are we gonna do now?
Joan Wilder! What a comeback!
Man, I thought you drowned.
You OK? Sure.
I'm great. I'm fine.
Only you're on that side.
There's no way across this sucker. You did this on purpose.
What the hell you talkin' about? We went over a waterfall.
Admit it. You planned this all along. I knew I couldn't depend on you.
What's the name of that hotel in Cartagena?
Hotel Cartagena. What do you care?
All right. Now you just head towards the sunset and you'll make it. And I'll be there.
Yeah, sure. With El Corazén in your pocket. What about my sister?
Well, they don't have to know about this.
You got the map. Well, you've got the stone.
I'll meet you there. Trust me.
So you made it finally.
Got the map? Yes. I brought it. I want to talk to Elaine.
No, you can't talk to her till I get it.
Look out your window.
See the fort across the bay? The tower? Yes.
You take a water taxi right outside your hotel.
You meet me there in two hours, all by yourself.
Has Jack Colton checked in? In the last two minutes, no.
Stop right there.
Let me see the map. Where are you?
Let me see the map. Let me see Elaine.
Drop the map and back off.
If this isn't genuine...
If you've pulled a fast one...
Joan Wilder, you and your sister... can go.
I missed you at the hotel.
We all did.
You brainless broad. You let him follow you here.
This map is nothing.
They already have the stone.
I had it in my hands, Ira.
These hands that are gonna break every bone in your body.
Where is it?
I don't know.
Where is the stone? I don't...
We dug. We didn't find anything.
Crocodiles shed tears when they eat their prey.
You have heard of these tears, I am sure.
But have you seen them?
Look at those snappers.
You can forego this agony. Simply tell me, where is El Corazén?
Where is the heart? Where is the stone?
All right. Just let her go, will ya?
She doesn't know where it is. I've got it. Where is it?
In a safe place. Where is it?
Where is it?
Choke on it.
All right, muchachos. Bring the boat around!
Hold them down! Let me get to the boat!
Just a little more.
Come back here, Ira. Jump, Ralph.
I can't swim. You know that, Ira. I'll come back for you.
You promise? I'll send the boat back for you, Ralph.
How soon? Very soon.
Where do you think you're going, pal? Come on. Cough it up.
How will you die, Joan Wilder?
Slow like a snail?
Or fast like a shooting star?
Come on, you bastard. Give me a break.
Come on back, Ira.
You're my cousin, Ira. Don't you remember?
Your mother, my mother.
That way. He's gettin' away.
He's got it all. Go that way.
OK. Here's what we gotta do.
Get to the American consulate. Tell 'em everything.
Where are you going? They might even believe you.
Don't mention my name. Cartagena cops and I go way back.
Elaine, it's been a pleasure. You're leaving? You're leaving me?
You're gonna be all right, Joan Wilder.
You always were.
Well, that is far and away your best book.
I can't believe how fast you cranked this out.
So you really like it? Like it? Look at me. I'm a mess.
It made me cry. Don't tell anybody or I'll cut your heart out.
I love the end where he dives in and swims away.
Then he meets her at the airport. They sail off around the world together.
God, I can't believe how this got to me.
Well, I was inspired.
Jeanie, you are now a world-class hopeless romantic.
No, thank you.
Never wear 'em.
I like your boots.
That poor old yellow-tailed guy developed a fatal case of indigestion.
Died right in my arms.
I can't blame him.
If I were to die, there's nowhere else on earth I'd rather be.
I couldn't stop thinking about you. I even read one of your books.