Roxanne (1987) Script

Dixie, it's me. How you doing?

I'm on my way. I'll be there in about five minutes.

I'm bringing it. I've only had it a year and a half.

I told you I'd return it.

Talk to you later.

All right. Bye.

~ I'm walkin' ~

~ Yes indeed And I'm talkin' ~

~ 'Bout you and me ~

~ Yeah, I'm hopin' ~

~ Now I'm forming words with my tongue ~

~ Now I'm stumbling But I'm okay now ~

~ Now I'm walkin' down the steps ~

~ 'Cause it's easier than walkin' up the steps ~

~ Didn't slide ~

~ Oh, that's a tough break for me ~

~ Now I'm having a small heart attack ~

~ But I'm recovering ~

~ Now I'm seeing ~

~ Two coked-up hopheads comin' at me ~

~ Could be trouble ~

Off the sidewalk! Other side of the street, scum!

Now! It's a cop.

Wait a minute. If he's a cop, where's his gun?

He's a fireman!

Cut a wide swath, pussy.

All right.

Thank you, ass-wipe. Christ! That's the biggest no...

Don't say it.

Quite a hood ornament you got there, pal.

Here it comes!

3-D, comin' at ya!

I really admire your shoes.

What?

I love your shoes. What do you mean?

I was just thinking that... as much as I really admire your shoes... and as much as I'd love to have a pair just like them...

I really wouldn't want to be in your shoes... at this particular time and place.

I don't really know karate. I didn't think so.

Get up!

Son of a...

Get pissed, Rich! I am pissed!

Fifteen, love.

My nose! Okay, come on!

That was close. You want trouble?

You're gonna get trouble.

Blood!

Fault! Et la.

Okay, that's the way you wanna play?

You broke my nose!

Olé.

Had enough yet?

Thirty, love.

Surprise. Forty, love.

Are we having fun yet?

Service!

Game.

Let's play again sometime.

Grover?

Grover?

Grover...?

Dixie?

Dixie?

Dixie?

Dixie???

Dixie...? Dixie!!!

Where the hell is she? Oh, hi.

Here's your racket. Thanks.

What's this stuff on it? Vitalis? No, it's blood.

Where's my tea?

Bernie.

You wanna tell me about it? You're too young.

Come here, Grover.

Come here.

Shit!

Damn it!

There better be a window open, Grover.

I'm going to have you neutered!

Oh, God.

Don't go anywhere, Grover. I'm going to the front of the house.


Oh, brother. I can't believe it.

More, more! Thank you, thank you.

Goddamn it! We're supposed to put them out!

Guys! Guys! What now?

I have a dream. It's not a big dream, it's just a little dream.

My dream... and I hope you don't find this too crazy... is that I would like the people of this community to feel that if, God forbid, there were a fire, calling the fire department would actually be a wise thing to do!

You can't have people, as their houses are burning down, say, "Whatever you do, don't call the fire department"!

That would be bad.

Please, get it cleaned up. Don't make me have to explain it.

No problem, Chief. We'll do it.

Hello?

I'm locked out of my house.

I can get you back in. Come on inside. I'll get some tools.

I don't have any clothes on.

You want a coat or anything?

No. I really like to stand naked in this bush in the freezing cold.

I'll get the tools.

Thanks.

Hi, Chief. What is it?

Somebody locked out of their house. Need any help, Chief?

It looks pretty boring. I'll take care of it.

We're in trouble.

Nobody had a coat? You said you didn't want a coat.

Why would I not want a coat? You said you didn't want a coat.

I was being ironic. Oh! Irony!

No, we don't get that here.

See, people ski topless here while smoking dope... so irony's not really a high priority.

We haven't had any irony here since about '83 when I was the only practitioner of it, and I stopped because I was tired of being stared at.

Oh, brother.

You shouldn't leave your lights on when you're locked out.

You waste a lot of electricity.

You can hide in that bush over there, and I won't see your nakedness.

I noticed you don't have any tattoos.

I think that's a wise choice.

I don't think Jackie Onassis would have gone as far if she'd had an anchor on her arm.

Well, every job has a perfect tool.

Let's see.

This lock doesn't accept MasterCharge. I'm gonna have to try the old reliable.

And when I say old reliable, I'm lying, because I've never tried this before.

You may not want to watch this.

Careful.

God, I hate heights.

What are you doing up there? I'm freezing.

For God's sake, put something on.

Thanks.

Hello...?

There you go. I'm averting my eyes, finally.

Look what you got me into, Grover. Thanks.

Do you wanna come in...

I sort of already did.

I figured you must be starving, so I made us some cheese and some vegetables... au naturel.

Maybe you'd like some wine with your nose.

Cheese. Wine will be fine.

Do you have a straw? I don't, actually. Why?

No particular reason.

Cheers.

Party trick.

Well, a nose by any other name.

Would smell as sweet.

My name's C.D. Bales. I'm the fire chief.

You can call me Charlie if you want.

My name's Roxanne. Thanks for helping me before.

I know the lady who owns this house. Dixie? I liked her.

She gave me a real good deal for the summer.

Nice and cheap, I'll bet.

It's worth it. This house has a great spot for that.

I thought you'd never ask. I didn't.

What is it, a mummy?

It's a telescope. It's beautiful.

You must know about M-31. Yeah.

I like it when they give astronomical objects names... you know, like Andromeda and Saturn... and Sea of Tranquility.

This whole numbering thing is just too boring for us civilians.

Do you know how many objects are up there?

Well, I know it's over 50.

They've done pretty well, considering how many things they have to name.

How about muon? Gluon?

Quark? You know what a quark is?

I used to. I just forgot right now.

Oh, well, we don't know everything, do we?

Sit down. I'll show you.

Here it is.

No one's actually ever seen a quark, but we know they exist.

There's at least six different types.

There's up, down... strange, charmed... bottom and top.

That's their flavor.

The top and bottom quarks are the most common kinds... but only an unusually exotic collision... can produce the strange and charmed quarks.

It's beautiful, don't you think? Yeah.

These are astronomical objects, then?

No. Subnuclear particles.

I thought so.

So what are you looking for?

I can't tell you.

Why is that? It's a secret.

I got a few secrets myself. Some pretty important ones, too.

Actually, I have one pretty impor...

Actually, I have one lousy one.

Actually, I don't have any secrets at all.

It's just so depressing.

Did you say your name was Roxanne?

That's unusual. It's pretty.

There's a name for a galaxy.

Sorry. Didn't mean to wax rhapsodic.

I should go. It's late and I've got a lot of important things to do.

Well, wish me luck.

On? Just luck.

No, I don't believe in luck.

Wish for something to happen.

I know what you mean. Good-bye.

So long.

Are you okay? I'm fine.

Roxanne...

It's a party town, maestro. You'll love it.

Gavanna Samana?

What?

Weren't you Playmate of the Month, June, '85?

Come on. No.

That's really funny, 'cause I thought I recognized your inner diameter slope.

What's that?

The part of the back of your leg that curves into your inner thigh.

Works every time, maestro.

I'm calling you maestro because that's what you are with the chicks, right?

Men, let's go. I'll take the top one.

You ready? Okay.

Right.

What?

What's goin' on here?

Training.

I want something that says action with style.

Kind of a GQ firefighter. Guys.

Guys, this is Chris, our new pro.

A real firefighter. Welcome aboard, Chris.

I'm Mayor Deebs. We didn't expect you till Monday.

I thought I'd get an early start. He's a maniac with the chicks, too.

Dean, Trent, my personal tailor, Sam.

I'll show you to your room. What do you think? Cuffs or no cuffs?

I think you'd better get off that hose.

I think I'm gonna have trouble getting my telescope up those stairs.

I'll ask C.D. To do it, if I can tear him away from his encyclopedias.

He reads encyclopedias? He is an encyclopedia.

He's funny. He's great.

He's my godbrother.

This uniform works. That's why I'm a volunteer.

I can tell. Hey, Carol.

What about your boyfriend? What's his name?

Richard. When's he comin'?

He's not. He's not coming.

What happened?

We just ran out of gas.

I guess I mistook sex for love.

I did that once. It was great.

Sandy's a very deep person.

Oh, my God! Who is that?

She could certainly make my night.

Who is she? Oh, God.

Sandy, come here.

Who's that? That's Roxanne.

She studies astronomy or astrology. There's a difference?

Look, look. Someone is checking you out.

He could cheer you up.

If I was you, I'd do something about that.

Maybe.

Maybe later. Maybe not.

You are playing it beautifully.

You don't mind if I give it a shot?

You go right ahead. Thanks, maestro.

You know, I'd like to invite you to a Nelson tradition.

Hot-tubbing. Pardon me?

It's a tradition we have here to consume some mulled wine... and enjoy some outdoor hot-tubbing.

Tradition? You mean, when the settlers came here a hundred years ago they started hot-tubbing?

Oh, yeah.

You are feisty. I like that.

He's got an ego the size of Brazil. I have to stop talking right now.

No problem. Tell you what. I'll be right over there.

You just start thinkin' about it... and if you change your mind, just come on over.

And I think you might.

If I do change my mind, you'll know because my breasts will be heaving and moist with perspiration.

So long, foxy. So long.

Later.

Look. He only gave us enough money for one drink.

So this is how it'll be being single. He's got a great ass.

Too bad it's on his shoulders. Oh, he's cute.

He's a flirt. I have nothing against cute.

I just wish I could meet someone with half a brain this time.

Good luck.


He went up there before school, and he just won't come down.

All right, all right.

I'll see what I can do. Thanks.

Dean, it's Bales, B-A-L-E-S.

Right, Bales.

I know that. You're the chief.

He's not moving or anything, but he did it once before... but he's never stayed up there this long.

It's gonna be all right, honey. C.D. Will take care of it.

Hey, what's the trouble, Peter?

Come on. What's the matter?

They call me "porky" at school.

Why do they have to do that? Goddamn it.

I shouldn't say that in front of you.

Did you talk to your mother about it? Once I tried.

But she said I had to clean up my plate first.

Now, see? That's good.

You're way better than these guys who make fun of you.

You're smart and you're funny. You can make things up.

I didn't make it up. It's true.

Bastards!

I shouldn't say that in front of you.

Do I have to get down now?

Let's just stay up here for a while.

That's our new computer.

We can pinpoint any fire in town with that.

I can see that.

It's perfect for us because, you know, we're the fire department.

Yeah, that is perfect.

I'm Andy. Good to meet you.

How are you? Fine.

I just wanted to welcome you. Okay. Thanks a lot.

So, okay.

Hey, there is one thing.

Have you met the chief?

Well, he's kind of funny-looking, so I wouldn't mention it.

I wouldn't do that. I figured you wouldn't.

But sometimes, you know... things kind of accidentally slip out, and then, you know...

Watch it on that stair.

Who designed these steps? The Marquis de Sade?

Watch the mirror. Why is this thing so heavy?

It's mostly air. And glass, so be careful.

I had an aunt who knitted one of these. It was much lighter than this.

This secret of yours relates to this thing, right?

Sort of, yeah.

What are you doing? What are you doing, Charlie?

Charlie, I can't hold this by myself.

You don't have to tell me.

Okay, I'll tell you. All right, all right.

Start talking. There we go.

Wait a second. Got it.

I think I discovered a comet.

It's no big deal. There's lots of comets.

But I was working on this paper... watch it...

On the Oort cloud. The Oort cloud.

And I discovered a mathematical irregularity.

I haven't climbed this many steps since I went to see the maharishi.

Let's go. Go on.

I think that a series of ten comets... Yeah?

Watch it around this corner. I got it.

Are actually the forerunner of a big comet which is due back this summer.

So you're gonna find it with this thing.

This is too small. My uncle's looking for it in the big scope in Arizona.

So I've carried this up here for nothing.

Not really.

Put that counterbalance on that arm, with the key.

So what do you get if you're right?

Nothing.

Well, I graduate. That's for sure.

And I get to name it. That's pretty good.

Sort of historical.

Comet Kowalski.

Kowalski? Why? You've got a chance to give it a beautiful name.

That's my name. It is? Roxanne Kowalski?

Yeah. Oh, sorry.

When do you find out about this thing?

July 14th, 2200 hours... eight minutes, 31 seconds.

Give or take ten days.

That would really be something.

Don't look now, but the Viking just came in.

Don't look now. God, it's him.

All right. Chris, come over here.

Shake hands. I'm the mayor. It'll make you look important.

He should be bronzed.

Everyone tells me you're fast, efficient and brilliant.

Brilliant! With the ladies.

Take care of yourself.

If anything happens to you, C.D. Will be all over my kizitski or kozalski.

Sorry. Sorry.

Get ahold of yourself. God.

It's now or never.

Do it, Roxanne. There's only one way to tell.

What difference does it make?

When he comes out, I'll invite him to... a Nelson tradition of hot-tubbing... and I'll set him up with some mulled wine... and I'll "babe" him a lot.

I'm shocked.

We're all shocked. I'm not shocked.

I need a little confidence.

A little water, and then you're gonna talk to her.

Shit!


Remember me? I'm trying to put it behind me.

Is this your shop? Yeah.

It's my shop. All mine.

It's perfect. Thank you.

Thank you very much. It's really you.

I appreciate that.

Why don't you come in and check out the new freeze-dried animals?

They're incredibly lifelike.

Maybe next time, huh?

It came to me last night in a flash.

What is that? The thing.

The gimmick. The Nelson promotional cow.

We're talkin' to the chief.

You give her a name: Susie, Esmerelda, Bossy.

You put her picture in the corner of our posters, drinkin' a beer.

Teach her to drink a beer! These things work!

I think it's a fantastic idea. Do you like it?

I love it. I think it's great!

Great idea! Just...

I think it's brilliant! What an idea!

And I was there. I saw it happen.

He took the idea, he saw it ripe on the tree... he plucked it and he put it in his pocket.

It's... dare I say... genius?

But maybe... maybe it is.

Maybe I'm in the presence of greatness. Maybe I just don't know it.

You meet C.D. yet? The chief? No, not yet.

There's a little something you should know.

I know. He's got a big nose, right?

Man, whatever you do, don't stare.

I'm not gonna stare. Come on.

None of us would, but you get there... and you feel yourself not staring.

Then you think "It's obvious I'm not staring," so you look.

Then you think, "I'm staring."

So you say, "This is ridiculous." And you take a good look.

And you think...

"I'm looking at a man who, when he washes his face... loses the bar of soap."

Thanks, guys. Don't say we didn't warn you.

Did you see that on his face?

You think people go to Sun Valley 'cause they have a great fire department?

No. Work along with me. You've got to use promotion.

That way the town grows, the fire department grows, we all grow.

But you can't run a fire department with the seven Banana Brothers.

You need professionals.

This town could be another Aspen. Do you have any idea how much money they make there?

C.D., as soon as this Oktoberfest promotion is over we'll see about getting those funds back to you.

Ladies, drinks are on Chuck. Like it?

Pure beaver.

I start to have a drink... then I start to relax, and then I start to have fun.

And it's not something I really wanna start at this point in my life.

Heard you're tough.

I am.

But if you used a little tenderizer, I might cook up pretty good.

Asshole.

Hey, where you goin', big nose?

Pardon me?

You heard me, big nose!

Is that it? Yeah.

Well, you really got me on that one, didn't you?

Wait a second.

What a waste of an opportunity. What?

Well, I mean, you've got someone standing in front of you with this... and all you can think up is "big nose."

I suppose you could think of somethin' better?

Yeah, I think I could think up somethin' better. Come here.

Take this dart. Whatever number you hit, that's how many I'll think up.

Twenty? Shit!

Two out of three.

Twenty.

Darts champion, Denver, 1987.

C'mon Charlie, you can do it.

All right, 20 something betters. Here goes.

Start with obvious:

"Excuse me. Is that your nose, or did a bus park on your face?"

Meteorological:

"Everybody take cover! She's going to blow!"

Fashionable:

"You could de-emphasize your nose if you wore something larger... like Wyoming."

Personal. "Well, here we are, just the three of us."

Punctual:

"Delman, your nose was on time, but you were 15 minutes late."

Envious:

"Oh, I wish I were you.

Gosh! To be able to smell your own ear!"

Naughty: "Pardon me, sir, some of the ladies have asked... if you wouldn't mind putting that thing away."

Philosophical:

"It's not the size of a nose that's important.

It's what in it that matters."

Humorous: "Laugh, and the world laughs with you.

Sneeze, and it's good-bye Seattle."

Commercial:

"Hi. I'm Earl Scheib, and I can paint that nose for $39.95."

Polite: "Would you mind not bobbing your head?

The orchestra keeps changing tempo."

Melodic. Everybody.

He's got the whole world In his nose Sympathetic:

"Oh, what happened? Did your parents lose a bet with God?"

Complimentary:

"You must love the little birdies to give them this to perch on."

Scientific:

"Say, does that thing there influence the tides?"

Obscure:

"Whoa. I'd hate to see the grindstone."

Think about it.

Inquiry: "When you stop and smell the flowers... are they afraid?"

French:

"Sir, the pigs have refused to find any more truffles... until you leave!"

Pornographic:

"Finally, a man who can satisfy two women at once."

How many is that? Fourteen, Chief!

Religious:

"The Lord giveth... and He just kept on giving, didn't He?"

Fifteen!

Disgusting:

"Say, who mows your nose hair?"

Sixteen!

Uh, paranoid:

"Keep that guy away from my cocaine!"

Seventeen!

Aromatic:

"It must be wonderful to wake up in the morning... and smell the coffee in Brazil."

Eighteen!

Appreciative:

"How original. Most people just have their teeth capped."

Nineteen!

All right.

One more! You can do it, C.D.

Do it. Come on.

All right. Dirty:

"Your name wouldn't be Dick, would it?"

You smart ass son of a bitch!

You flat-faced, flat-nosed flat head.

Has he fallen yet?

How you doin'?

Did that copy of "Being And Nothingness" by Jean...

Jean-Paul Sartre? Yes, it did.

I got it right here. It's all paid for.

Great.

Thanks a lot.

All right. It ain't nothin', bro.

"Therefore my body is a conscious structure of my consciousness."

Yeah. Thanks, Chris.

I was too embarrassed to go in there and ask for it myself.

A little light reading, huh, Andy?

I got 9,000 for my house this summer.

Which one of the five?

The one down on Rush Street.

That's the one Roxanne's in. You're soaking her for $9,000.

I am not.

You like her, don't you?

What's not to like?

Why don't you ask her out? No. Couldn't possibly fit her in.

I've got a 3:00, I've got a 5:00... and the women are just lined up, mostly because of the old saying.

What old saying? The old saying about a man's nose.

You know, relating to the size of his... Of his what?

Everybody knows this. Come on.

Hey, Sophie? You know the old saying about a man's nose?

Oh, you mean how the size of a man's nose relates to the size of his...

Oh, my God!

I love doing that to them.

Your tea, sir. Thank you.

And picks. Thanks, Bernie.

So, why don't you ask her out?

You know, sometimes I walk around this town at night... and I see couples walking along holding hands...

I look at them and I think, "Hey, why not me?"

And then I catch my shadow on the wall.

Why don't you just get that nose job?

I did. Charlie!

No. It's the word, "rhinoplasty."

It's so unpleasant. It ranks up there with "hemorrhoid."

Those are just two words you really don't want to get involved in.

What about a little cosmetics? You know, some shading.

Along the sides and down the slope, a little bit on the end.

It really helps. It's not me.

I can't wear makeup. Hi.

You should have stayed last night. Sorry I pooped out.

And you were great. I was okay.

We were impressed. You were terrific.

Especially Roxanne. She went on and on about you.

She did?

And I think she's fallen in love, but she doesn't know it yet.

See ya.

What does she mean, she thinks she's fallen in love?

Well, it has been known to happen.

C.D., this is Chris McConnell.

It's a real pleasure meeting you.

Sorry we've been missing each other.

Are you all right?

I know you've met the guys.

How's your room?

It's hypnotic, isn't it?

It's huge.

It's enormous.

It's gigantic!

They said it was big, but I didn't... expect it to be big!

Wanna shoot some pool?

Come on, rack 'em up. We'll play a game.

Aren't you gonna kill me? The guys said that...

Ordinarily, yeah, but not today.

Why not?

Because yesterday she didn't.

But today... she does.

Finally got a sense of humor about your nose, huh?

Rack 'em up.

OK, turn on the hose.

The secret to moving a hose is in the rhythm.

To the left.

One and two and three.

To the right.

Now forward.

Now back. Back?

I can't stand this!

He's dancing!

Go. Let's show the chief what we got.

Turn it off! What are you doing?

Turn it off!

Go! Come on!

Shut it off! Shut it off!

Get a good stream. Lean into it now. You gotta trust it.

Remember, water is your friend.

Now!

Okay, what's our signal for charging the hose?

Remember, like Big Bird. That's right.

Just like on Sesame Street.

Hit it! Watch it!

Roxanne! Hi, it's me, Chuck! Not again.

There he is.

Back up a second. Okay.

Flirtin' with Sophie and Lydia again.

Hey, Charlie, can I talk to you?

Well...

All right.

Hi, Charlie. Have a good time.

I got it.

Okay, was I right?

Yep, it's ugly.

It really is.

What I'm gonna say is a little forward.

Good.

There's someone I think I should get to know better.

Someone who I think likes me, too. Know what I mean?

I think he wants to talk to me.

I can see him trying, but he won't.

I like him for that.

Maybe this guy needs you to make the first move.

That's why I'm talking to you.

So, what do you know about this guy?

Well, I know he's interesting.

Different.

Intelligent.

Handsome.

He's what?

He's handsome.

See? Isn't it amazing if you have feelings for someone... how you can start to see them as handsome?

Everyone thinks he is.

Not everyone. Believe me.

What are you talking about?

Nothing. It's great. It's great that he's all these things.

I've only seen him a few times. We've never even spoken.

We just exchanged a couple of goofy looks.

Why are you telling me this?

He works for you. His name's Chris McConnell.

Oh, yeah.

What's he like? No, don't tell me.

I'll let it unfold.

Since you're gonna be working with him, maybe you could encourage him a little.

He may not say anything all summer, and then I'll be gone.

If it comes up.

Thanks.

I know I'm forward.

You were really great the other night.

It's the first time I've ever seen anyone actually be brave.

Oh, I've been a lot braver since then.

This time I want you to do it, Dave. I want you to cut the thing off!

I'm tired of having a magnificent, fabulous, interesting nose.

I want a cute little pert, little petite, little button nose!

Give me the American beauty, Dave.

C.D., you know I can't.

Oh, yes, you can. Get the knife. Cut me, Dave.

I can't. Allergies to anesthetics are very, very dangerous.

You know that. You've been in comas before.

We'll do it the old-fashioned way.

Don't be stupid.

I wanna look like Diana Ross.

What you want is psychotherapy.

I can hear it now: "Get used to it.

Eighty-five dollars, please."

Look, C.D., have you ever thought that you were born with this nose for a reason?

Oh, yeah.

Like opening Coke bottles.

Oh, shit.

Hey, Dave, could I look at those nose cards one more time?

Yeah, sure.

Thanks, Dave.

Where's that one?

Hello, darling. Haven't seen you in a while.

She's so beautiful. I saw her in that bar.

She's so pretty I just... She's interesting too.

Interesting, yeah. Did you see her legs?

She's got a sense of humor also.

She wants to meet me? You sure? I can't believe this.

God, my third day here.

Heard she's kind of smart, too. Astrology or somethin'.

Astronomy. Yeah, right.

God, we're gonna meet. Really?

God.

So what do I do? What do I do?

So what do I do? How do I meet her?

I don't know. How about if you walk up to her on the street and say hello?

I'd have to talk to her then.

What are you talking about?

Look. Around you guys I can... I don't know.

I can relax. I can be myself. I'm funny. You know that.

But get around women I get... God, I get a little...

It's not that I don't like women, okay?

But I just get a little nervous, that's all.

Okay, so get her telephone number and call her.

Pass. I'd have to talk to her then for sure.

I wanted to talk to her the other night real bad, but I didn't...

'cause that's how I would've talk to her: Bad.

I see. In other words, every time you meet a woman with a little charm and style and legs... you're gonna turn around and run the other direction.

That's a great idea. In fact, that's brilliant.

Tough game, ladies? We're just on our way there.

Chris, you know what carpe diem is?

It's fish bait?

It's Latin. It means "seize the day."

It means there may not be a tomorrow, so do it now... seek life while you're young, while you've got the chance.

You're tellin' me to go after Roxanne, huh?

No. I wouldn't.

I'd wait. Mail her a letter.

Okay, light the thing. See how you do.

Chief! C.D., come here! I got it!

You got it, all right. How to talk to Roxanne.

You were right. I'm gonna take a chance.

Here's a girl who likes me, so what am I afraid of her for?

She's no rocket scientist.

Actually, she is a rocket scientist.

Yeah, well.

But out of all the guys in this town, she likes me.

So who am I afraid of? Nothin'! I'm gonna do what you said.

I'm gonna write her a letter. I got a way with words.

Ask these guys. I'm always crackin' 'em up.

You see, this way I can plan out what to say.

I can craft it.

In a letter I can be... I can be effer-goddamn-vescent.

Chief. There you go.

We can't get it started.

I'll be out in a minute.

Andy, your coat's on fire.

So what do you think?

He's on fire! Get his coat off!

I got it! Not the gasoline!

Hi, C.D. Hi, Cindy.

Can I help you?

I have a friend who was looking for a cosmetic... or wondering if one exists... that's sort of a shading type of an arrangement.

Do you have anything like that that would be in a shading area?

Well, we have lots of blushes and things.

What specifically is it for?

She has this feature that she would like to... you know, de-emphasize.

I see. She's got this extra large feature... and she wants something to make it look a little smaller?

Exactly. I think a dark contour would be fine.

Great, great. Now how would she go about... you know, applying this... thing?

Well, she would...

She would just shade the area of the feature... to make it appear that there were more shadows... and less actual...

Well, less actual acreage. I mean, area.

I'll take it. Okay.

I'll get a fresh one from the back. Thanks.

Hi, Charlie.

I talked to Chris for you.

Great.

Do you think he's gonna call me or something?

He wants to write you a letter.

A letter?

Isn't that usually what you get at the end of a relationship?

No. Actually it's really romantic, when you think about it.

I'll explain it to you outside if you want.

Here's your blush. Great.

Could you gift-wrap that for me please?

Oh, and these items I've decided against.

Got a girlfriend?

It's for my sister. You have a sister?

It's for my sister's girlfriend.


Hello?

Hi, Chris. No, I'm not doing anything.

I was just... I was just making some eggs.

Sure, come on over. Okay, bye.

I thought you should read the letter before I send it.

Great.

We'll take a look at it. Just one second.

Perfect. Quite an operation you have here.

Why, thank you.

All right, let's see.

Let's take a look at that letter. I think it's really good.

"Dear Roxanne, how's it going? Want to have a drink sometime?

If you do, check this box."

Well? How long did you work on this?

Well, today, you know, since noon.

Noon.

That's a very long time.

You can't send her this. What do you mean?

It's a good concept, but I think for her it's gotta be more interesting.

I worked hard on that. Take a pen.

Take a pen and sit down. Just let me ask you a question.

How do you feel about her?

Me? About her?

How did you feel when you first saw her?

Horny.

But you can't say, "I felt horny." You have to change it a little.

You have to say, "I felt moved."

"Alive."

"On fire."

That's beautiful.

How did you feel when you first spoke to her?

Like a dickhead.

No, you can't write, "I felt like a dickhead."

You have to say, "I felt like... a child standing in the sun for the first time... feeling only your radiance."

Radiance. I like that.

I'm gonna underline that.

Now, what did you do after you saw her?

I puked.

"After seeing you... my only nourishment was you."

C.D., you write the letter. No, no. You're doing good.

You know how to say what I feel. You write it and I'll sign it.

No, that's... What?

That's dangerous. That's lying.

Not if you write what I feel.

Look, I'll just sign my name... and you write to Roxanne what you imagine I'm feeling.

It'll work. What I would imagine you're feeling?

It's practically half-written already.

You'd have to change that. That's just, you know, poetic baloney.

This is beautiful. No, no.

For Roxanne, you need something startling... something so strange... that it would make her incapable of being reasonable.

Think you can do it? It would be an interesting challenge.

You need a good pen. Get your favorite pen.

These are good. These are good. All right.

And some good paper, a quality... that really takes the ink.

Oh, the food! I'm taking care of that.

You just take your time.


Come on, boys. Get in there. Line up.

Come on. I'm here.

Come on, Mayor.

Six and a half minutes. That's not bad.

Let's get into our gear. Fast!

Fast!

Let's go, boys. It's Operation Snowball!

Snowball!

Snowball!

Take the truck!

Hey, come here!

Snowball! Come on!

Kitty, kitty, kitty.

Give me a hand!

Oh, God.

Ralston!


He's coming!

C.D.! Hi, C.D.!

How're you doin' there, Chief? All's well that ends well, right?

Boys? Boys! The ladder's up.

Wait, boys! The ladder's up!

The ladder is up! Boys!

Wait! Wait! Wait!

Let me show you a double binary.

Focus with that thing there.

You'll see it. I'm on a schedule.

Oh, yeah. Roxanne, what's a light year?

Same as a regular year, only it has less calories.

What is it? It's actually two pairs of stars... revolving around each other, but they're so far away they look like one.

What keeps them together?

Mutual attraction.

That's fairly romantic.

"Strange attractors in my window of possible movement."

Say again.

"Passionate kisses I hope you'll read with your lips."

Sorry.

Just something from a letter I got.

Oh, yeah? Yeah.

An amazing letter.

You liked it?

No, I didn't like it. I loved it.

Whose letter? Chris.

He can write?

I'm melting.

Let me show you that dumbbell nebula.

There's something I don't get.

Here's a guy who dodges me for days.

So I figure he's not interested... but C.D. tells me he wants to write me a letter.

I figure it's gonna be about why he won't talk to me... but it's not.

It was strange and... intelligent... and sexual.

Why is he writing? He only lives a block and a half away.

What do you want me to do? Ask him out for you?

She wants a date?

C.D., it's all because of you! Hey, hey, hey! Come on!

What's the matter? What's the matter?

She wants to see me tonight? Yeah.

I can't see her tonight.

I'm dying already. It's only 3:00. Just relax.

Relax. You're all right.

You gotta help me. If I talk to her, I'll die.

I'll give you something to memorize, then you can just say it.

I can't memorize it.

You can memorize it. I can't!

Say the "Pledge of Allegiance." You memorized that, didn't you? Come on.

I got your hand.

"I pledge allegiance to the flag of..."

Which country? I don't know. I'm nervous.

We're gonna think of something now.

Oh, boy.

No letter this time. Just face to face.

You want to sit outside?

Do I want to sit outside? Yes.

Here?

Here on the porch? Yes. Yes.

Great. We can sit right here.

Great.

It's a lovely evening.

Oh, yes.

It is an exquisite evening... filled with... mysterious portents... magic... and romance.

Why are you wearing that hat?

Why?

Why... Because...

Don't panic. Stay calm.

Because tonight I am a hunter.

Because tonight I am a hunter... hunting for words.

That's good. That's okay.

Am I your prey?

Yes, but not a defenseless one.

Yes... but not a defenseless one... not a rabbit.

You are a lioness.

Alert and sensitive.

Alert... and sensitive... to every misstep.

I see.

Get ready to move a little closer to her.

Therefore, I must move silently.

Moving in toward you.

Reach out your hand.

My hand out reaching to...

Car 3. Car 3. Proceed to the 279.

What?

Car 3, do you confirm?

Confirm what? Confirm...

Confirm my feelings. Confirm my feelings.

Confirm my feelings.

Yes.

Because there is a heart here... that wants yours to know... that there's a possible 502 on Main. What?

Proceed to Main. Confirm.

You're not a hunter anymore?

Not a hunter?

No.

I mean, yeah.

It's really nice out, isn't it?

It's really, really, really...

What's the word I'm lookin' for?

Nice. Nice out.

Yeah, nice. That's it.

So now you're the weatherman?

I loved your letter.

It was beautiful.

Where'd you learn to write like that?

The usual places.

It seemed very extemporaneous.

Thank you.

Say something, something wonderful like in your letter.

Well, let's see.

I know, you can tell me about the night.

The night... is very extemporaneous.

What?

This is wild.

Yeah. Yeah?

The night is wild, like love can be wild.

Love is wild, wild and extemporaneous.

Yes.

Say something romantic.

Romantic.

"Why do birds suddenly appear... every time you are near?"

Isn't that from a song?

Well, they made it into a song. You wrote the song?

No.

But I like that song. I like it.

You use your own words.

You...

You have... a great body.

Your knockers...

No, not your knockers, your breasts. Your breasts are like melons.

Not melons. Like pillows.

Can I fluff your pillows?

I have to go in now. Wait!

June '85. What?

Weren't you the Playmate of the Month? June '85?

Oh, shit!

"Can I fluff your pillows"?

I got flustered. I panicked.

You gotta help me. She wanted me. It was working.

I don't think I could after that.

She wants somebody that looks like me and talks like you.

Wait a minute.

Forget it. No. Hey, come here.

Come here. Come on. Don't make me do it.

You stand here under the window. I'll be over there out of sight.

I'll whisper to you what to say.

Wait, wait, wait. What if she hears you?

Just go. Go.

No. Here. Use this.

Can't you go easy for once in your life?

Goddamn it! What in the hell do you think you're doing?

I'm sorry! Hold on!

Listen to me. I got a lot to say.

Go away!

Just wait! I just want to tell you that...

Tell me what? That I'm really built?

No, nothing like...

Tell her you were an idiot. I was an idiot.

You bet you were!

Come here! Wait. Stop.

C.D., help me.

I want to say...

Yeah, I was an idiot. You're right. I was really...

Happy? Dizzy?

Oh, thirsty! Thirsty.

This is stupid!

Stupid! Stupid! Yeah, I was stupid... and I was also...

Tripping? Bumbling!

I was a stupid, bumbling pointer.

Pointer?

No, no! Stupid...

I mean, stupid ass. Yeah.

So why'd you say those things?

Why'd I say those things?

Tell her you were afraid. Because I was afraid.

Of me? What do you mean you were afraid? You were afraid of what?

Tell her you were afraid of words.

What, what, what? Words.

Because I was afraid of worms, Roxanne. Worms!

Worms?

What are you saying to me?

Come here.

Worms? Did I say "worms"?

I meant "words," Roxanne.

This is too hard. Give me your coat. Words!

They're all used up. They're hard to say.

They've all been wasted... give it to me... on shampoo commercials... and the ads and the flavorings.

All those beautiful words.

I mean, how can you love a floor wax?

What? How can you love a diaper?

How can I use the same word about you that someone else uses about a stuffing?

I'm exploding with love for you and I can't use the word.

I can't hear you.

It's because my words have to rise up... and they're having trouble finding you.

You're not having trouble hearing me.

Well, your voice floats down.

But be careful.

One hard word from you at that height kills me.

Give me your hat.

Shut up.

Your voice sounds different.

Of course it's different.

I don't have to be careful anymore.

I'm protected by the night.

I can be myself, Roxanne.

Oh, God, your name is like a knife.

Shit. Stand where I can see you.

Why?

My voice. Only my voice.

You don't need to see me. Just listen to me.

I know I only have a minute here to talk to you.

I was just wondering if what I wrote to you touched you.

It did.

It was eloquent.

Oh, no, not eloquent... just honest.

See...

I am in orbit around you.

I'm suspended, weightless, over you... like the blue man in the Chagall... just hovering... hanging over you in a delirious kiss.

Yesterday on the street...

I swore I heard your name.

I swore I heard someone say it... and I turned and there was nobody there... just five birds rising off the ground.

And when their wings hit the air...

I heard your name again.

Just for that second, I was one of them... pounding out your name... Roxanne.

Roxanne:

A word of two syllables locked inside my head.

You see...

I am, and I will always be...

the one who loved you without limits.

What are you talkin' about? It's too much.

Go on.

It's working. Go on! Go on!

This is my whole life right now... standing here, talking to you like this... saying things I've wanted to say but couldn't.

Why couldn't you talk to me?

Because I was afraid of having you laugh at me.

That's so silly.

No. No, no, not if you knew.

When you're reaching for a star, there's a long way to fall.

I almost never let this moment happen.

And now I feel sorry for people for whom it never comes.

I love you.

I have breathed you in... and I am suffocating.

I am crazy.

I can't go on. This is all too much!

I'm starting to feel a little dizzy.

And I'm starting to feel a little drunk... because I have made you tremble up there.

And you are trembling, aren't you?

Like a leaf on a tree.

I want to make love to you. Shut up, Chris!

What?

I was telling myself to shut up... because this time I've gone too far.

I'll tell you when you've gone too far.

She wants us!

Lookit, C.D., it's okay.

Sooner or later.

You can do it.

Come on. Come on.

Come on, C.D. Do it.

Don't think I don't know you.

Don't think I haven't felt you beneath me.

I know you've imagined it.

You have, haven't you, lying back into your bed with me?

I have.

There will never be another tonight, Roxanne.

Why should we sip from a teacup when we can drink from the river?

There's a tiny word.

It's not a noun.

It's not a verb. It's not an adjective.

I don't know what it is... but if you said it to me tonight, all this blackness would go away... and you and I would be connected by a tunnel of light.

What is the word, Chris?

"Yes."

Yes, Roxanne...

Yes...

Yes.

Great. We did it. We did it!

We were great.

I think I'm in love.

Oh, God, I did it.

Oh, shit, I did it!

Oh, God.

It's two minutes to "Dallas."

Are you all right?

Where am I? You're in Nelson.

Nelson?

Why, I'm home.

They brought me home. Bye.

What day is it? Friday. "Dallas" is on.

Friday? Then it took no time. It didn't exist in time.

What? The spacecraft.

I was walking along. A spacecraft landed right in front of me.

Tell us. I read about this. Did it have lights?

Lights? You never saw so many lights.

It was like Broadway. Then this door opened.

A creature came out, had big suckers on his palms.

He walked like this.

Then he took his palms, put 'em right on my face.

Took me over to Roxanne's house. He said they wanted to observe me.

At Roxanne's house? That's where they are, right now!

This is bullshit. We'll miss "Dallas." Come on. Let's go.

You think I'm nuts, don't you? No!

They wanted to ask me about older women.

Why? They wanted to have sex with them.

Where? Here! Right here in Nelson.

They wanted to start a colony of supermen who would have sex with older women because they said, and I quote...

"They really know what they're doing." We do!

It's been so long. Girls!

Do you actually believe there are creatures from outer space who want to have sex with older women?

Let's go and check it out. Oh, dear!

Testing.

Hello.

Hello. Testing, testing.

God, I was nervous last night.

Uncomfortable, I don't know.

Believe me, I didn't say anything. I'm too dumb...

I'm too smart for that.

Yeah. What do you mean, nervous? How nervous?

I was real nervous. Yeah, nervous.

Real nervous?

Can I ask you to stop the noise, please?

You mean, you know, so nervous that you couldn't...

God, come on, you know. It's embarrassing enough.

Okay, look.

I couldn't... I couldn't do it the third time.

Hello. This is the moment we've all been waiting for.

Let Oktoberfest begin!

This damn town. You can't get anything going. Shit!

Looks nice. C.D. in?

Yeah.

Yeah. Here.

I'm catching a plane in 20 minutes. Why?

I got a call from the university. I was right about the comet.

That's fantastic! I wanted to tell you first.

You're the one person who could appreciate it.

Congratulations. That's great!

You're famous.

Is Chris around? No, I haven't seen him.

Well, maybe you can tell him where I am.

I'm gonna be gone about a week. Here's my address.

Ask him to write me. All right.

And tell him to knock me over, OK? Yeah.

I was walking on air.

Now I'm walking on feathers-- on pillows on air.

Bye. G'bye.

Beer? Yeah.

Draft? Yeah, a little bit.

It's okay. I can put on my sweater if I get...

That's really funny.

You can get so many guys in here with no sense of humor at all.

I think a sense of humor's really important, don't you?

Yeah, I think it's real important.

One hand of lowball for your drink.

What's lowball?

You try and get the worst hand.

A lowball for a highball.

You're a riot.

You could be a dealer in Vegas.

I know, 'cause I went to Tahoe with a girlfriend of mine.

We're moving there in three days. Yeah?

See, they like young cocktail waitresses there... and you can make big money.

I heard one girl got a $10,000 tip from a gambler that got lucky.

Ten grand? Ten grand.

That'd be nice.

Then when I'm older, I'll probably move to Reno... where they like older cocktail waitresses.

Besides, it's only 60 miles away.

What do ya got?

I got a nine, a seven, a five, a three and a deuce.

That's the worst hand I ever saw.

You win.

Where you from? Albuquerque.

A-L-B-U-Q-U-E-R-Q-U-E.

It's an old bar bet.

Really? Yeah.

Know where I really wanna go? Where?

San Francisco. I've been there.

You've been there? Really? What's it like?

It's great. I'm really a 49ers fan.

Not so much the Giants, though.

And the redwoods, oh, you should see 'em.

I just like to go there and just be.

I always take a meat sandwich with me when I go.

I think it's so great you've traveled.

You're really interesting. I try to be.

I think when one person finds another person interesting... then they become interesting to that person.

You see Roxanne, don't you?

Well, kind of, but not...

Yeah, I better quit talking to you. She's kind of a friend of mine.

We can talk. That's no problem.

Next, you're going to tell me you've been to New York.

I've been to New York. I was just kidding. You really have?

Yeah. God.

My name's Chris.

I know.

I'm Sandy.

It's good to meet you. Thanks.

There we go.

Yeah.

Come on.

Yeah. Here we go.

Yeah.

You love the little birdies so much, you give them this to perch on.

All right.

How're you doin'? Good. How are you?

Fine. See ya.

Bye, C.D.

Hey, hi! How you doin'?

Pretty good.


Hey, Chief!

Thanks for the help, ladies.


What's up?

Oh, fine. I mean, nothing.

Nothing is up.

Want anything to drink?

Yeah, but if I ask for another one, give it to me.

Ralston, could you bring us a bottle of wine, please?

Yeah.

All right.

What can you sit on, sleep on and brush your teeth with?

Huh? It's a riddle.

What can you sit on, sleep on and brush your teeth with?

I don't know.

A chair, a bed and a toothbrush.

Your wine, right here.

Chief. Thanks.

What's the point?

The point is that sometimes the answer is so obvious that you don't see it.

It's as plain as the nose on your face.

You should tell her.

Tell who what?

Tell Roxanne that you love her.

Actually, I already told her. You did?

Last week. I made love to her.

Well, great!

It wasn't actually me. It was sort of me.

But I was the one who said all the right things and I made her feel the right way.

It just wasn't the actual me... who did the honors.

Well...

This is the deadest place I've ever seen.

Dixie, have you been serving that tripe quiche again?

How come you're not wearing your fur? I thought you were off tonight.

Chris asked me to stand in for him.

He picked up Roxanne at 6:30.

I've got tell him about the letter!

I don't know what that was.

Hi, guys! Hey, Andy. How you doin'?

What's with C.D.? I don't know. He's acting strange.

Are you hungry?

Why don't we order some food? I just had spaghetti.

I want a cheeseburger. Cheeseburger, spaghetti...

Coming!

Just a sec. I'll be right back.

God, I hate this.

Chris, Chris. What are you doing here?

No one there. She's coming. Get out, get out.

What? There was no one there.

What is going on?

No. I'll get it.

All right. All right.

Chris... Chris?

C.D....?

Probably kids.

Oh, God. Damn kids nowadays.

You know why I came back early?

There goes that doorbell again. There's no doorbell.

I heard it. You should answer it. There it goes again.

I heard it. Probably kids.

Come on, I'll get it. There is no doorbell.

Don't worry. I'll take care of this.

Why me?

There it was again.

She might mention some letters. What?

You wrote her a few letters. I did?

How many? Three a day.

Three a day. We're on six days. Six times three is 18!

Well, 20. Twenty?

Or so. Yeah.

Nobody there.

Chris? Yes?

Do you know why I came back early?

Every day, every hour, you sent me something new.

I couldn't stand it anymore. I had to see you.

It was just letters.

Twenty or so.

Think of what you wrote. I'm trying.

Wait. I wanna know the real you. No, not the real me.

The one I spoke to that night at the window.

This is the real me. You know, good ol' Chris.

I like hanging out, mixing it up.

Lifting weights. I'm into my body.

You don't have to do that with me.

I know you from your letters. That's the person I love.

Couldn't I just be cute, huh?

Oh, Chris, don't you see?

It wouldn't matter if you were ugly.

I want you to teach me what you know. I play guitar a little.

I want to travel with you. I hate pasta.

I want to go to concerts with you. We could boogie or what?

We can just talk.

Roxanne, I'm just... I'm...

I'm not feeling good. I gotta go.


So? You coming or not?

Yeah.

Gonna tell her? I can't.

You have to tell her. It isn't nice.

You got any paper?

I could write her.

I've got a lot of experience at that.

I have paper in the glove compartment. I'll get it.

Hi, Chief. Hi, Andy.

Roxanne called.

She sounded weird. She wants you to come over right away.

Jerry, want your rematch?

He owes me 50 bucks. You animal.

Come in.

What is it?

Read this.

"Dear Roxanne.

I've met somebody else and she's real cute, too.

I hope I haven't hurt you, but I probably did.

It was really great knowing you... and now I'm going to be a dealer in Tahoe.

Yours 'truley'... T-R-U-L-E-Y.

Chris."

Then I found this along with it under the door.

Read it.

Read it out loud.

"All day long I think, 'Where is she?

What is she doing now? '

Occasionally I see you on the street and I feel... the nerves in my stomach... a wave crashing over me."

It's so him.

Go on.

"I remember everything about you.

Every move, no matter how insignificant it might seem.

July 11, 2:30 in the afternoon.

I... You changed your hair.

Not that much, but I noticed... and it was as though...

I had looked at the sun too long.

I could close my eyes and see it again and again... the way your hair moved... your walk, your dress... everywhere I looked."

It's nice, isn't it?

It has a... I feel...

Finish it.

I did. It just runs out.

You have to turn it over.

"C.D. Wrote this. Call me. Dixie."

I went through all of the other letters.

They're all in the same hand.

It was your voice that night under the balcony.

Chris didn't write those letters, you did.

Yeah. Yeah.

All this time, right there in front of me... and I couldn't even see you.

You bastard! How could you trick me like that?

I was trying to make you feel good. You're playing with my emotions!

I wasn't playing with you. You could've figured it out.

Now it's my fault? As much as mine.

The signatures don't even match the handwriting on the letters.

When you get love letters, you don't compare signatures.

You know why? You wanted to believe it. You wanted it all.

All the romance and emotion... wrapped up in a cute, little nose and ass!

You even got me in bed.

What about that? You went to bed with him on your first date.

Only because you seduced me.

You went to bed with him fast!

A few frilly words, you're counting ceiling tiles.

I don't even consider that I went to bed with him.

Somebody was up there, and for goddamn sure it wasn't me!

If it wasn't you, who was it? Chris couldn't have seduced me.

That was the point I was making to Dixie.

You told Dixie?

I just mentioned...

You son of a bitch! You bastard!

How could you lie and say those things?

I wasn't lying. I was trying to tell you how I felt about you.

If you felt that way, you have a lousy way of telling someone!

Get out!

Get out! I am out. You get in.

No, get out! Get in!

Get in! Get off this porch!

Fine! Go on!

And don't throw my hat at me!

You want to know the rest of the letter? It said, "P.S. I was only kidding!"

Ten more seconds and I'm leaving.

What did you say?

Ten more seconds and I'm leaving.

What'd you think I said?

"Earn more sessions by 'sleeving."'

Well, what the hell does that mean?

I don't know. That's why I came out.

Ten!

Nine!

Eight!

Seven!

What about Gillian?

I told her about the hot-tubbing...

Chris came and took his stuff.


There's a fire somewhere.

Get into gear.


That's where I put Bossy. You put Bossy in there?

We got a burner, boys!

Here's what I want. Two lines from the pump to the fire!

Three lines from the hydrant to the pump. Let's go!

If it gets to the station, the whole town could go.

Hit it!

I want a water curtain on both exposures.

Let's go!

Go!

All right! Yeah!

One, two, three!

All right! Yeah!

We're doin' it, C.D.

Take it easy. All right, here we go.

Comin', Bossy. Let's go, boys.

You're all real goddamn firefighters now.

To all us real goddamn firefighters.

Thanks to us, no one got fried. Am I right?

We beat this fire by a nose!

Well said.

Yes.

I want to see you.

A toast!

I would like to say that I would rather be... with the people of this town... than with the finest people in the world.


What are friends for?

So long.


I would close my eyes and see you again and again.

Your eyes.

Your face.

The way you walk.

Your style.

Your wit.

And your nose, Charlie.

It doesn't quite work, does it?

I went inside and thought what it was about Chris that attracted me.

It wasn't the way he looked.

That's not true. First it was the way he looked.

It was how he made me feel.

He made me feel romantic.

Intelligent.

Feminine.

But it wasn't him doing that to me.

It was you.

All these other men, they've got flat, featureless faces.

No character. No fire.

No nose.

Charlie, you have a big nose!

You have a beautiful, great big flesh-and-bone nose.

I love your nose.

I love your nose, Charlie.

I love you, Charlie.

Well?

Are you kidding?


It's locked! It's locked!

Thank God I have the key.


By the way, I named the comet.

Oh, yeah. Good ol' Comet Kowalski.

No, Comet Charlie.

Hey, that's nice.

Yeah, it's my dad's name.

Well, he'll be so happy.