(needle down on to record) (static & record scratching)
(marching snare drum beat)
NUNZIATA: Councillor Fletcher, questions to staff.
FLETCHER: This is actually about the name...
Well, the report's called
"To Facilitate CouncilLor Office Operations"
I think the word "office", and you might disagree, should be clarified.
Perhaps it's a poor choice of a word.
But I'm not sure that I would agree.
FLETCHER: But what does "office" mean to you?
Councillor, I'm not sure how I'm supposed to answer that question.
FLETCHER: Well, there's been criticisms in the past of how councillors have spent their money. It's been said:
"Well, that isn't something you need to run your 'office'."
The notion of this being something to run an 'office'...
versus something that is a general expense, hasn't been clearly defined.
Would you agree with that?
CLAIRE: Wait, is that your actual question?
What a line item should be called?
ZACH: The question's what the report is called.
And it's so she can make a point.
So, can we just get to the point?
JOSHUA: You guys are on the same side.
He's voting the same as she is, isn't he?
Yeah, but Joe's not gonna want to sit here for an extra hour discussing what a line item should be called.
ZACH: I'm not on the same side and it's not a line item, it's a report.
Um, yes, we are, and yes it is.
Lauren? Are Fletcher and Mihevc both backing?
LAUREN: What? Zach's voting same as me.
Is that a question?
It shouldn't be.
I'm sorry, I'm not following here.
Are Mihevc and Fletcher voting with Catracchia. Guys, come on.
LAUREN: I mean, I hope so?
Is that a question?
Sorry. What's the-- what's the, um, issue here?
Claire isn't sure if we're voting the same.
No, Zachary, I'm sure.
No, I mean, what issue are we discussing?
Is it, um, heritage designation? Where are we?
Someone make a beer run?
It's past nine.
Why are we arguing about office expenses--
Office expenses! Yes, um, we are voting the same. Same vote.
KAMAL: We should all make a motion to allow convenience stores to sell booze.
Isn't that what the people want?
Maybe your people.
Your people? Is that a racist thing or an elitist thing?
Uh, it's provincial.
Oh, so the opposite of elitist?
Uh, booze laws are provincial, as in the province handles it.
No one uses the other "provincial" anymore, unless you're an elitist, which apparently you are.
Better not let your boss find out he's got an east coast-valued elitist in his ranks who's using words like "provincial" when words like "hick" exist in 2012.
So you're just skipping over me.
Is there anything in there you want to run by us, Zach?
Well, you guys'll just nay-say it, so--
Then I wouldn't run it by us.
We're saying each councillor should be given an increase of $1,000 to their office budget each month.
We have 45 offices.
By office, are we saying the actual physical structure...
That's 45 grand a month.
...or "office" like how we refer to the White House?
540-thousand a year.
Wait, why are we talking about the White House?
How many physical offices do you count, Zach?
I just think we need to clarify if the change applies to the office or the "office".
Are you serious right now?
You guys are all on the same side.
Who cares what the report is called?
If it sounds like it's just for a physical office space and we use it for office travel expenses, we're going to get mini-crucified.
Okay, I get it now.
Yes, no, we do need to clarify that, guys.
Look, Claire, Fletcher and Joe are going to argue about what the report is called to try to justify using $500,000 which we already cut from the budget and people are happy about it.
And people are actually happy with the government!
You'll say, that this is better for the people somehow but all the people-- that's you and me, I'm not speaking councillor-speak here, guys, I just care about paying less taxes.
I can't pay my phone bill.
I don't want to pay more taxes for office expenses and you guys are going to try to rename a report so that you can use money which we don't have to use for your office?
But-- Yes, Zach.
Conceptual "office" like The White House or 10 Downing or whatever the fuck our equivalent is.
You know, my long distance is insane and I bet the White House uses their office expenses to pay for their assistants' phone bill.
The White House calls Russia once a week.
Yeah, I'm pretty sure that Obama and Putin are not having a weekly catch-up sesh.
The furthest you should be calling for your municipal councillor is seven blocks from your office.
Can we please just figure out how to bring this city together and allow convenience stores to sell alcohol whenever people want so that we don't have to spend
10 bucks on a beer whenever the government liquor stores are closed?
ALL: Cheers! Cheers!
(percussive score continues)
BRAM: Sorry, hi, I have an interview. Can I just--
GIRL IN LINE: There's a line, buddy.
Yeah, no, no, I know. I just--
Wanted to butt the line?
I don't know if butting the line is a thing past elementary school.
JASON: Hey, man.
Thought the only lines you did are the fun ones.
Trigger warning: lines.
Trigger warning: douchebags.
Oh, trigger warning: girl who petitioned for trigger warnings.
Triggers are the new spoilers.
Spoiler alert: your bro's a prick.
Okay, if you didn't know that literally anything by Sylvia Plath was about suicide, you shouldn't have been in fourth year literature.
JASON: Multiple spoiler alert.
Can you let these two go ahead so I don't need to stand in front of them any more?
Yeah, thank you.
THE MOUSE: Name?
Let me see here... When did you register?
Uh, when I registered to study here for four years and then graduate?
You have to register to graduate.
Okay, so when you register every year as a student they don't, uh, the school doesn't realize that you would like to graduate when you finish?
You have to declare your intention to graduate at convocation.
Does anyone go here with the intention of not graduating?
You're still a graduate.
You just aren't going to graduate, if that makes sense.
It doesn't. Um, who do I have to declare it to?
You go online and declare.
That seems antiquated.
They've been doing it since forever.
Oh, really, so the five graduates of 1886 went online to register for convocation?
If you didn't know you had to register for graduation, then you shouldn't be graduating.
You just won't get your diploma at the ceremony because you won't be there.
Okay, well, it's not a diploma, actually, it's a degree because we're not graduating from high school.
God, how should I break this to my parents?
Well, they're already disappointed you're not gonna be a doctor or a lawyer, so the fact that you're not graduating, like officially, as a journalist probably won't matter.
I already bought them graduation tickets.
My mother has been prepping by researching Jewish journalists.
You have to buy tickets?
(score fades out)
Come on back.
(loud industrial machinery)
Come on in. Thanks.
Take a seat.
Uh, so, you know my sister-in-law?
Oh, well, I mean, my mom's friends with Deb, so I don't, ah, know her, but...
Okay. So other than sort-of-knowing Deb, what should I know about you.
Uh, well, I went to Western for undergrad and--
No, no. I got all that. I read the resumé.
You're a writer.
BRAM: What's for dinner?
PHIL: Good hug or bad hug?
Aww, are there bad hugs?
Here, here, come here, let me see.
I already signed it. Ah. I'm just reading it.
Yeah, I read it.
You read they're not paying your taxes?
No benefits either, Jill?
Okay, well, the only benefit I considered when someone said "we'll pay you money to work for us" is that in a couple of months I can move out.
Do you know how much a house is?
You know what, at this point, I would've taken it if they offered me a Metropass.
They're not paying for your Metropass?
I'm not buying a house anytime soon.
Yeah, well, maybe slow down on the four-dollar coffees.
How many days would I have to give up coffee for in order to get into the market?
SAMMI: Hi! PHIL: It's a down payment.
This is a surprise!
What was the downpayment here 25 years ago?
Well, things were different. You still have to save.
Bram got a job.
Like, a real one?
Yes, um, and I am marrying a doctor and I'm going for lunch every day before my afternoon nap.
Mmm, Mom set me up with my job, too.
And if I give up my $4-a-day coffee habit, then I can save up to buy a million dollar tear-down in 684 years.
Wow, I'm sure Wolf Blitzer has a house.
Yeah, that he bought in the roaring 20s.
And Bernstein? He's a journalist and he bought a house.
We are pregnant.
Oh, my God. What? Ahh!
Oh, Mazel Tov.
(laughter) Such nachas...
Oh, I can't believe that my baby's going to raise her baby!
I know. I can't believe it.
PHIL: I knew it, I knew it.
That's great. Mazel Tov!
Thank you, Uncle Bram.
I feel fat.
I know, I felt it when I hugged ya'.
(rock score begins)
GIDDA: Stop the gravy train.
You got it, Gidda.
(knocks on door)
(Gidda speaks Arabic)
Tell her I say hi.
Hi, Hi. I understand. Hi.
Ah, Gidda, Claire's going to take you home.
The new girl's waiting for you.
(percussive score begins)
He's already there. He was supposed to get there later but he left early. He does that sometimes.
Everyone's gonna be taking pictures with him and posting them and saying what they're gonna say but we have to make sure it's organized around him.
Sure. He's easy.
Everybody's got their own thing with him but he's a good guy.
"Wieners come in all shapes and sizes."
You should lead with that.
THE MOUSE: You the list guy?
These go best with what you got.
MANAGER: The list man. She treating you okay?
Make sure you say it, best service.
I wanna write lists.
How about you go to the next place and I'll go to the party?
Okay, here: "Hot dog race: wiener takes all".
WAISGLASS: I thought Jill told my mom that you started doing city hall this week.
Classic Jill. She also told my mom that Sammi's kid started walking before any of his friends.
Well, now, according to my mother, um, he tap-danced out of the womb.
She is the best publicist.
No, I don't do city hall.
He's paid to be the mayor's biggest fanboy.
A couple of months ago he decided he didn't want to talk to press anymore.
So the press he likes must really like him now.
This is what we gotta work around.
How do we have them not asking questions without flat-out saying--
Doesn't he just flat-out say most things?
Saying you can't ask the mayor questions.
So there's this assault on the papers that he doesn't like, ours included...
Saying you guys are bad at your job?
He doesn't know he's messing with a Frum Medal-winning graduate.
The news isn't accurate unless he likes it.
And the news that he does like isn't always accurate.
And then they came up with this- this really ridiculous--
Don't give them Rob's schedule every morning.
They have to chase you.
The papers are always behind because we don't know what to cover each day.
Well, except for the ones that write the puff pieces, they know what's happening.
This is on your work, right?
Yeah, work perks, my friend.
So, the Frum Medal-winning, top-of-his-class journalism major that you are currently splitting a knackwurst with was just promoted from list-writer.
14 bucks for a hot dog? We should get jobs here.
So, what are you now?
Oh, I'm I'm still list writer.
But I'm also the guy that reverse-engineers Rob Ford's schedule by checking his Instagram, Facebook and Twitter accounts for his daily whereabouts and I deliver those reports to my boss every morning so that he can give those stories to everyone but me as I go off to rate some hot dogs.
Okay, but what happens when some frat bro posts a picture of him taking a funnel?
We bury it. Rob does.
You blacklist a paper and that becomes their story.
"Assault on us! Free speech!"
But their free speech becomes speechifying about their own personal losses, not the people's.
So the people don't care.
I'm basically playing "Where's Waldo" with a very large Waldo until I see something that I can force my way into.
Okay, we better get our buns moving.
But you also still do the lists?
Did you enjoy your free meal?
The people must know the ten best sausages in the city.
Give this place top prize.
Yeah, bonus points for their ad spend.
Whatever happened to church and state?
You can't come?
Hot dog tour awaits.
Yeah, I relish the opportunity.
(loud club music)
When are you supposed to stop him?
You're not going to stop him?
I'm not supposed to.
Isn't that your job?
Not in my job description.
Actually, it's part of yours.
To cut him off?
To make sure no one knows people thought he needed to be cut off.
We should've had people sign an NDA when they bought tickets.
Or confiscated their phones. Don't look at Instagram.
Can you imagine the uproar?
I don't think anybody cares about signing an NDA.
No, no, I mean if we'd taken their phones.
So what do you do if he does something embarrassing?
Do you wanna take this one?
Nah. Let her see the master at work.
Ask me again.
What do you do if he does something embarrassing?
The media is always out to embarrass our mayor.
Note the use of "our" instead of "the" mayor even while he's fighting -- key word he's up against the enemy, sword and shield, taking down the dragons.
To help the working taxpayers of this great city, see their money working for them instead of lining the pockets of special interest cronies.
That tells them that there's this cabal of rich dudes pulling the strings for the other guys.
Now, do you know what's truly embarrassing?
No, Anderson, don't cut me off.
I'm not finished. Here's where we put the person asking the question on defense.
That you're focusing on whether our mayor -- check -- grabbed a beer with his friends last night -- the everyman, check -- while the mayor's opponents -- the dragons -- are, at this very moment proposing spending increases in support of themselves and their donors -- secret cabal, check-check -- at the expense of the taxpayer.
They don't call us special assistants for nothing.
(church bell tolls)
(cell phone vibrates)
(cell phone vibrates)
(cell phone chimes and vibrates)
PHIL: Whatever it is, push to write about it. Be aggressive.
You won the Frum Medal!
They know. Bye.
Dave, hey. I was just coming to find you.
Well, you found me. What's up?
Oh, I wanted to talk to you about this story.
It's this story I want to show you.
So show me. Talk or show, Bram. Talk or show.
Hey, you hear about the CJPAC party?
Yeah, I spoke to Nelson. They're denying.
I'll speak with her and anyone else who was there who's gonna talk but it was open bar.
Speak with who?
So what, what does that mean? Who cares.
It's a bunch of dumb kids, politicians and unlimited booze, we're not going to get anything reliable.
Not on record, anyway.
Wait, what is that story?
Susan's on it. What did you wanna show me?
I could do it with her. What's, what's it?
As much as she'd love that, we have you on something else.
Uhh, where is it? Best brunch spots in the city.
Yeah. Um, I mean...
Dave, just, the thing is, just I've been working for more than a year now--
You know? And I just was, I was wondering if...
I'm still doing the same thing. Which is, that's--
I don't mind doing that... I like that stuff, I just, I think that I could be... really useful with this sort of thing, too.
You're a reporter. You report on things.
You know you don't get to be editor on day two just 'cuz you showed up on day one.
People read lists. They read them.
You remember when the Huffington Post used to have real news?
BuzzFeed does real news now so can I just, can I just--
No one who actually cares about the news looks for it on the sidebar of
"The 15 Paperweights That'll Restore Your Faith in Beyonce."
Well, I'll-I'll still do the brunch thing, I just...
I mean, I won the Frum Medal.
Oh, Jesus Christ.
Go do some streeters!
About the CJPAC thing.
So, last night, Rob Ford was at an event where he was accused of groping a former mayoral candidate.
How do you feel like this reflects on the city?
BLACK TOQUE MAN: He likes to have a good time.
I like to have a good time.
FUR WOMAN: Well. It's gross.
YELLOW COAT WOMAN: You guys, it's just non-stop with this guy.
Just let him do his job.
Excuse me, sir, can I ask you just a quick question about--
MOHAWK MAN: Don't give a fuck.
Can I ask you a quick question about the Mayor real quick?
ORANGE TOQUE GUY: High school.
That's right. Bram.
How are you, man? Good.
Is this what you're doing now?
Like, really, who cares?
I mean, groping or not, it's believeable and it's gross and that's what's wrong with it.
Do you get paid for this or is it, like, volunteer?
I don't remember the question but I have to go.
Word. Okay. See you later.
Say "Hi" to your mom. Yep.
Excuse-- Excuse me, sir? Could you just-- Could you--
Do you want to answer a quick question?
(flags flapping in wind)
Seeing as how a mere three days later, there's not a front page mention of Gropegate--
I don't think it's considered a "-gate" if it's not even mentioned three days later.
Yeah. I don't think it's a "-gate."
Overruled! Man, let's get this going!
Tonight is a special night because for the first time in her young career as an aborted lawyer-cum-communications manager I pass tonight's City Hall of Fame to...
For answering that phone like no other.
Uh, how many calls redirected over a two-day period?
Four years of undergrad in -- psychology?
Very practical. Four years in whatever-the-fuck that is.
Another three floating smack in the middle of your law-school class, seeing your entire Facebook doing better than you at everything and you too can have a job that most forward-thinking companies have replaced with a machine!
Ashley Pollock, everybody!
Thank you. All right, yes!
Thank you so much.
Thank you, thank you, thank you. Yes.
Wow, I wasn't expecting this.
I am so humbled.
Truth is, I can't take all the credit on this one.
Mostly, I have to thank a shitload of debt.
Linda, who calls twice a week and who's not only my loan officer but who's also, basically, my therapist and personal advisor.
Oh, no the music!
I have to thank that piece of paper that's hanging in my parent's den.
To Ashley! (cheers)
LOWEY: A year ago, someone recorded a video,
She started working there a few months ago.
Why would she know anything?
Press calls her before releasing anything.
She's the gatekeeper.
So the guy selling the video would call her?
No. He'd call Kamal but she may know if the video guy contacted him first.
What does Kamal do?
Special Assistant to the Mayor.
And he knows?
Now, sorry, what's the difference between special assistants and assistants?
No, they're all special.
Your mom tell you that, too?
Look, call the girl and tell her we won't release her name if that's what she's worried about.
Oh, Judith Asche from the paper?
She wants us to come down there.
Oh yeah, I told her. It's an internal issue for them.
It sounds like one of her guys may have met with our guy.
Can we call our guy "the video guy" so we can keep this all clear? Who's their guy?
Which guy are you talking about?
The paper's guy. Oh, the list guy.
Yeah. The list guy.
(tense score begins)
LOWEY: So you tended to work on what kind of assignments?
What nobody else wanted.
Uh, top ten lists. Best burgers, best fruit stands.
But you also knew everywhere he was gonna be?
Everywhere he had been. Or as he was there, maybe.
But never before.
So how does this video come your way if you're the guy making lists of good burgers?
SUSAN: Did you get one of these?
No, I-I don't think...
Listen, David. David. David, I am not sitting through a meeting to go through this.
I'm just not.
Because I want to speak with her.
Ah, no, she wouldn't, would she? Heaven forbid.
David, I am not coming in there to put myself through this to walk out with a fucking folder so everybody here can see, okay?
All right, well, then, just put whatever it is in your little folder in the mail for me, David.
Yes, in the mail, and I will look it over with a drink in my hand.
So... the guy didn't have a choice?
Well, I didn't really care.
I got the call.
Oh, no. Um...
But I can help you.
No-no-no-yes, I can meet.
I just think if they let this woman go, you should ask for a raise. Something.
Okay, well, they fired her because they don't want to pay her anymore.
So I really don't think they're just going to roll over whatever savings they've got on to me.
I don't, I don't want to discuss it.
Okay. Okay. We don't have to discuss it, but I just want to say that I think you're settling. That's it.
So, that's all you have to say is okay?
I thought that we weren't discussing it.
We not discussing it. I'm just...
We're just gonna keep the discussion going.
I'm not the kind of mother that pressured her son to go to law school, Bram, okay?
No, no. You're the kind that guilts me for not having thought of it myself.
And you're still doing the lists.
SERVER: Pea soups?
Okay. And the Greek.
Tuna Reuben for the boy's coming up.
Thank you. Thank you.
You write so well.
You're so smart and now you're just writing the-the 20 best things to...
I don't know! The places to make a candle -- whatever! Oh.
Well, hm, I got a story, anyways.
Um, a guy called and he wants to meet.
Oh. About what?
I guess we'll find out.
Oh, my God. Where does he want to meet you?
Actually, don't even tell me.
Just text me afterwards, okay?
Look, you tell your story in your own words, people listen.
Don't filter. And tell this David guy, "I'm pitching it. It's my story. Don't ask."
Tuna reuben. Thank you.
You don't mind?
No. No no, no. I sh...
Should've brought mine.
So, um, you called, but, said you wanted to meet in person about your story?
I work in the community.
Normally we are not getting paid that much attention to.
Well, I'm happy to speak with you.
I saw the lists you write.
I like those.
But, one time, you asked what people thought about how the mayor acted at that thing, yeah?
You know someone said he was maybe drunk and I wondered...
I was surprised why no one asked if maybe it was something else that made Mr. Ford act that way.
Well uh, what do you mean "something else"?
You're probably thinking, maybe, what I do.
Well, I'm actually thinking, "What do you mean by 'something else' made him act that way?"
(dryer cycle finished buzzer)
(dramatic score begins)
Some of these kids I know don't lead their lives in the right way.
I gotta be honest, I have no clue what you're talking about or what the story is, which sort of helps tell it.
I told them I would help them, so they don't have to do this bad stuff.
I feel like this meeting needs a Rashi, or something.
What am I looking at?
For a good story, maybe... your paper, they pay?
So, we can't tack anything on this guy other than taking a picture with low-level bangers?
No, not yet.
So, who drove him here?
It could've been his guy.
Which guy's that? Rob's guy.
Okay, so Rob's guy takes Rob to visit these guys, who're using the video Alleged.
Alleged video, thank you, to sell to the list guy?
And others, yeah.
Well, how many private residences did this guy drive Rob to?
Which guy? Rob's guy.
Yeah. People call him everyday.
And he answered them? Personally?
In person. (phone rings)
- You've reached the office of Mayor Rob Ford.
Neither he, nor Special Assistant, Kamal Arafa
are able to take your call.
If this is a query for the Mayor, please leave your name and number and he will
return your call within 48 hours.
(answering machine recording beep)
I have something.
What is it?
Can I pitch it? You are. What is it?
No, I want to do it at the desk meeting.
Dave, it's a good story.
Everyone's story's always a good story until it's not and it ends up being bad when Judith sucks the air out if it.
Last time I gave you a story you gave it to Susan.
Last time you gave me a story, I didn't pitch it.
I'm gonna need some context.
Well, if you like it, I'm pitching it. It's my story.
(knocking on door)
Oh! Hey! How are ya?
Hey. How are ya? How ya doing? What's your name?
A selfie, or... Very good.
All right. All right. You take care.
Hi, I'm Rob.
You left me a message on my answering machine.
- Hey, Mayor Ford, uh, my name's Mark. I live around midtown and
(overlapping indecipherable voice messages)
Kamal's got your information. I'll follow up in a week.
Uh, we'll try for a week.
It's closer to three weeks, maybe a month.
Okay. A month.
Thanks for the call. And the support.
- No problem. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I, uh...
I appreciate it.
I don't want you to do that.
When you disagree with me, you work for me, so you don't disagree with me.
You told them it would be a month before we got back to them.
It is. I told you, we're backed up on these.
You didn't remind me!
It's too long!
Look, they voted for me to fix stuff and you're not!
Remember, I told you--
But you didn't tell me.
Hey, don't get your panties in a knot. Start the car.
Why are you two people?
You see how these meetings work, David, is--
I think you know this because you're in these meetings twice a day, every day -- is the desk editor gathers some options from their beat to pitch.
Everyone has someone else's story.
So you brought the kid with you today, fine, but...
But this tells me one of two things. Either... one: you think this is a big story, big enough to bring someone in to corroborate or back you up.
Probably back you up, I'm thinking.
Or two: the kid's jerking you off under the table.
Neither's really a great option.
In the first case, your most junior reporter, who's been here a tenth of the time than your next most senior reporter has been, is scooping people that we are paying at least three times more, and that tells me that there is still some fat to be trimmed at your desk and you know they are always looking to trim some fat.
I don't like letting people go, though, so, I don't like that option.
But in the second scenario? The one where he is jerking you off at the office, well... you are being jerked off and I don't think we pay you for that, either.
I don't think you're being jerked off.
That's too bad.
But, I don't want to embarrass the kid by asking him to leave his first desk meeting, but it is one rep per desk, so we'll see you at the next one, David.
It's his story.
LYNN: Mirvish is filing suit against a New York gallery for purchasing fake Pollocks ten years ago.
I don't like too many people in the room.
Everyone'll want to come in to pitch their story.
There's just not enough time as it is and not everyone's story is as good as they think it is.
How good is yours?
Well, now I feel like maybe it's not as good as I think.
Don't sandbag. It's obnoxious.
Um, okay. Uh...
Why are their eyes blacked out?
Um, he doesn't want us to print it unless we're taking the story.
We're not taking the story unless we can see the video.
Otherwise it's-it's just a photo of him with a bunch of kids.
He takes pictures with everyone, everywhere.
He's the town's mall Santa, all year.
How much does your guy want?
Uh, he said that someone else offered them 5,000 and they want more.
He didn't say.
You think it's real?
I don't know.
Here's a new rule: when you're asked your opinion, you have to have one.
When you met with your guy-- do you know his name?
His first name.
Okay. When you met with him did you believe that he was being truthful?
We're interested, but not sold.
Tell him. Try and see the video.
Well, unless we have an offer, I don't-I don't-- think that will happen.
Then you don't have a story.
(gentle score begins)
Rob's not here.
He left something at Hadi's.
I was just bringing it back.
You can leave it with me.
I was also thinking maybe I could speak with him?
You can talk to me.
Hi! Hey, it's Bram. Um...
Let's, uh, let's meet again, all right? I can, um...
Just-just try me back or I'll-I'll-I'll call you again, I guess, um...
It's Bram, again, it's--
We met at the laundromat.
Uh, thanks. Okay. Uh, bye.
(notebook down on table)
Let's go! Let's hustle up. Let's go.
Let's go! Let's go, go, go!
Get it back in!
PAULA: Rob, can we just ask some questions?
KAMAL: Not right now, Paula. We're busy.
You guys are always busy for us.
ROB: What, what? C'mon, fast. What's the question?
Rob, we just wanted to get clarity on what you do with the gun crime?
How you plan on keeping it out of the city.
I don't know. That's what I'm going to sit down with the Prime Minister to find out.
You know, about how our immigration laws work.
No, obviously, I have an idea, but whatever I can do to get them out of this city, I'm going to.
Thanks, Paula. Thanks. All right.
C'mon! Don't do the bullshit Macarena for me, c'mon!
Step it up, c'mon!
Hey, come on, Jack. Let's go! Let's go!
Um, not yet. I can't get a hold of him yet.
You have anyone else to speak to?
Uh, what would you do?
Uh, I'd have given this story to someone with a little more experience.
Uh, shit. I'm sorry.
Who else knows him?
Right. Start there.
Excuse me. Hey! I was here last week on Wednesday. I don't know if you were working, I...
(gentle score begins)
Okay. All right.
BRAM: Um, just a couple of quick...
- WOMAN: Sorry. - BRAM: All right.
Uh, hey! Sorry!
Um, do you work here?
I'm just an assistant.
Oh. Oh, that's great.
I'm actually just looking for someone to-- to talk to about the mayor.
Sorry. I can't help you.
Okay, can I just-- If you just ever get some time.
Sorry, here's my card.
So sorry. Uh, do you work here?
MAN: Sorry. Can't help you.
Can I just ask just a few questions?
Really, can't help you, man. Really fast.
Firstly, what the fuck is this?
He wants to discuss immigration in connection to reducing gun violence?
That's not what he meant.
For a native English speaker, he sure needs a lot of translation.
From his immigrant aide.
He doesn't think of me as an immigrant. Was there a secondly?
(papers down on desk)
Yeah. We need to get Josh an engagement gift.
Uh, I'm so sick of buying people two presents for weddings.
When you graduate, you don't get a gift when you announce you're graduating and then again when you actually graduate.
You got a graduation gift?
I think Gidda got me a $50 gift certificate to The Keg.
Question: what does Rob think you're speaking when you call your grandmother Gidda?
He thinks I'm speaking parseltongue.
That's because you're his fucking spin wizard.
You wanna get married?
Like, to you?
We don't even have cable.
I mean, it would just feel really classy to say
"I saw something on HBO last night" rather than clicking through some website offering me Ron Jeremy's Secret to Enlarging My Dick 50 times.
You know, if you buy his secret, the message stops popping up.
I did buy it.
I can't believe you haven't noticed my enlarged dick.
Haven't you noticed mine?
(gentle score begins)
You have to give me a couple of days before you do anything here.
I can't help you if my hands are tied and my hands get tied when something hits, so...
- ABE: Look, just look:
you said you would have an answer, maybe by yesterday.
I'm just trying to help you. Just help me do that.
Just hold off.
Thank you for- I just, I didn't think that anybody would actually respond--
What were you looking for?
Oh, um, I...
I know you work for the mayor and, you know, people hear things.
But, I just, I thought that, um, I don't know, I thought that maybe somebody might know something?
You won't use my name?
No. Not if you don't want.
I don't want my voice on that thing.
ASHLEY: Doesn't matter what you come up with, they'll just build more condos.
Condos, condos, condos.
Wow! That took how long? Two months?
For me to become a jaded asshole?
I was born this way, baby.
See? If you'd been a lawyer, you wouldn't--
No! I am a lawyer.
Just not at her practice 'cause who needs the practice?
If I actually got hired out of practice to practise as a practising lawyer, I'd never get to be the token gay for a politician to say, "One of my assistants is gay."
Great clipping for the Pollock fridge; making Mama Pollock proud.
Well, let's not go crazy.
But you do know you can do anything with a law degree, right?
Everyone treats a law degree like a Disney fast pass into any career but law.
Except a Disney fast pass can't get you into Universal.
ROB: I'm down here. MAN 2: Mister Mayor!
ROB: A little beer on a Friday night.
Different offices... Having a little party tonight.
No, gravy train in here.
No! We gotta-
Ahhh! And here's my Claire.
And she's in charge of stray animals.
Ah, Georgie! There's Georgie.
Organize my parties.
These two, that Debbie, is John.
Hey, don't drink too much beer.
He fixes all the potholes. He's in transit and, uh, potholes. Everything...
Hey, Steve! Hey, uh.
Ah, I got him! I got the fucker! Got him.
You wanna picture? Take a picture.
- MAN 3: Smile!
Oh, look it here.
What's Fletcher call you? What's your name?
Zach. It's Zach.
Don't talk when I speak to you!
No, no, it's joking.
It's joking, I'm joking.
I enjoy-- I don't mind the kids.
But your fucking boss?
No. Fuck her!
All right, let's, uh, let's get back to work.
Always workin', everyone. Relax 'em, if you let them.
Rob, Rob, let's... Let's--
No, I said no!
And I'm the charge. Me!
Message for Fletcher: right here, you gotta give her.
Write or email her face.
Come, come here.
All right. You got it?
Got it? Oh, yeah. I got it, Rob.
You got it? I got it, Rob.
You got it?
Got it? Yes!
KAMAL: Rob. Rob, come on.
Kamal? Kamal? Seriously!
Listen to me, Rob...
Huh? You got it? Yes!
Get the message so we gotta can hear it nice and loud, okay?
You got it? Yes!
You gotta say it loud. Or else you gotta can't hear.
Rob, don't! (muffled cries)
You gonna tell us?
You gonna give it to her? You gonna give it to her?
You gonna tell us?
Tougher than his fucked-up boss, this Jew.
KAMAL: All right, come here.
Come on. Come here.
Oh, you're cocoa???
Oh, it's your fuckin' girlfriend.
Is she bringing the coffees?
We didn't want one of those yet, Alice.
We're still starting before we want coffee.
KAMAL: Rob, let's go sit down. C'mon.
You like Kamal?
I love Kamal.
But I think maybe you love him in the different way.
I sort of think I hope that you love him the way I do, 'Cuz then you don't care about him.
Rob, I got something for you here. Come here.
Yeah? What is it?
Yeah. Come-come here, I'll show you.
Rob, come on. Come-come on. Come 'ere!
All right. All right.
I'm just talking to just talk with my workers, huh? Ya' think?
I banged your pussy!!
Will ya show 'em to the office?
You know where it is.
So we can show...
KAMAL: Come on. Let's go.
ROB: Show me some respect, will ya?
Show some respect!
(deep inhale and exhale)
Um, so you didn't report it?
I don't know who I'd tell that wasn't already aware.
Did you report on that party a few months ago?
The CJPAC thing.
Oh, um, I-I know about it, yeah, but I didn't, um...
I wasn't on it. So, no.
All I thought-- I mean... besides
All I could think about was the CJPAC thing.
Because we buried her.
We said that she was crazy; that she had a vendetta.
So nobody cared.
So do you think that you'll leave, um, the job?
My parents don't pay my rent, so...
Any time you run up to me like that it's because you think you have a story.
Well, I hope it's what you were assigned this morning for this afternoon's deadline.
Yes, I did that after I got this story. I did both.
No gold stars for extra work.
Right, right. Just look, I get it. Please listen to me, okay?
Just listen: I spoke to this girl who works at city hall and she has all these stories about how they can't control him.
Okay, he came back the other night out of his mind. Okay. She doesn't want us to use her name but she said that apparently it's not the first time that he showed up like that.
That's my story.
Okay, but this is not even all of it. She--
No, that's not your story. That's not your name at the top.
Not your story. They got to it first.
Yeah, okay, well, if you let me try, I could be first.
Okay? I'm doing this in my spare time.
Okay? I'm writing lists still, which is-- that's, that is fine, but...
But I could do this if it was my priority.
Okay? I could've been first.
Anything from your vanishing man?
You see, the one thing that sort of makes this okay is that 'cause you had to pitch it, it's not me that looks little league because your source disappeared.
Now Judith thinks they got paid to go away and you missed your chance.
You know what I think?
I think he also realized you were an amateur.
Go back to your desk.
(loud mechanical sounds)
Hey! Um... I left a bunch of messages for you.
I guess you are...
I don't know, I guess you're going with someone else. Um...
It's Bram. We met at the laundromat.
Look, I'm young, I know. But, um, I am not an amateur, though.
Uh, thought that I would get to do more interesting things at my job and then, I don't know. I-I guess when we met, I thought you were going to be that guy to give me that chance.
I can't show you what I can do unless you let me do it.
Good luck with it.
Uh, I really hope whoever tells your story tells it right.
Can you put your phone down for five minutes?
Actually, pictures! Hold on. Just one minute.
Mom said Neil interviewed for Google.
JILL: No, no, no! That wasn't the important part.
Brammy's on a case, is what I said.
Yeah, what's happening with that?
Hi, birthday boy.
Nothing. It doesn't work like that.
What case? He met a man!
PHIL: Well, how, how does it work? You don't tell us.
He's Deep Throat!
Okay, don't! That's not--
I'm not, I'm not doing anything.
No, I mean, he's working on something.
They put him on a job. When are we going to read about it?
I don't know, you're not!
JILL: He's like Glenn Greenwald! Just tell her!
Okay. A guy called me and told me a story, which turned out to be nothing, so I got reamed out at work and I'm just doing lists and that's it because that's what a journalist does now.
So, until there's some major shift in the way that things are reported, just please do not ask me.
They're just trying to understand what you do.
PHIL: You can't talk to him when he's like this.
JILL: Oh, did you know Connie Chung converted?
EVERYONE (SINGING): Happy Birthday to you...
Happy birthday to you.
Happy birthday, dear Jack, Happy birthday to you.
That was annoying.
I mean, I guess I get it, a little.
Which part of which part?
Ah! You got the first job you applied for out of the gate.
They're paying you, now.
But you are lucky that you don't have to worry about money.
Yes, I know. I know that.
But I can't feel frustrated because everyone's knee-jerk reaction is "You're so lucky.
You don't have to feel frustrated."
You know, at Versailles, Marie-Antoinette had this peasant's village built, like a fake one. She wanted to feel like she was doing something, so she built this shack where she could milk cows and, like, I don't know, tend to the earth.
Okay, honestly, I can't begin to do the mental gymnastics to untangle that, but I'm just very happy for you that you found a use for your major in history.
It's sort of tough to complain when you have an $800 machine in your hand that could land Apollo 13.
You are a young, well-off, relatively intelligent, white male.
Marie-Antoinette was beheaded along with her white, male husband.
What could you possibly feel disaffected about?
Maybe the fact that I'm supposed to be super-content and happy and everything's supposed to come very easily to me, so whenever I find myself having moments of perfectly normal human sadness, or fear, or doubt, nobody takes it seriously.
And Apollo 13 didn't land.
Well, that's 'cause they didn't have the phone.
That's because no one checked to make sure that the people they were sending into nowhere were in a vehicle that wouldn't blow up in their faces.
They just trusted that the shuttle they were in point A to point B because that's what they were told.
Listen! I-I tried. I tried to figure something out.
If you come out with this...
(tense score begins)
(text arriving ding)
(typewriter keys clacking)
(message arriving whoop)
(message sending swoop)
(typewriter keys clacking)
(typewriter keys clacking very quickly)
(typewriter keys clacking)
(car engine rumbling)
Hey, did I tell you I ran into Becky Blidner on the subway?
She was wearing a suit. Where are we?
She's probably miserable and going home.
Well, no, it was the morning. How long are you gonna be?
She's probably miserable and going to work.
I was coming back from an interview.
We're supposed to meet them by 11.
Yeah, we'll get there.
On Bram time.
Google's opening an office here.
I blew it, anyway. They ask you all these questions that nobody can answer, by the way, like, how many times in a day does a clock's hands overlap?
How much do you think this house cost?
I don't know. It was 22, somehow.
He paid just under 300 for it, like, ten years ago.
Rob. If you bought it now it'd cost, like, $900,000.
Okay, Bram, are you fucked? What are we even doing here?
The guy's not answering me.
He's not answering you? I wonder what that's like?
We should go.
Look, if he's not real, then I'm updating Twitter with links to some intern's lists until they realize that interns can write lists and tweet.
Maybe it's better if he's not real.
You know how much his father was worth?
Honestly, I don't care.
Everything he has he can thank his dad for.
As we sit in your dad's Benz.
Let's go, seriously.
Wait, why do you think it's not real?
I said that it might not be, it's probably better if it's not.
The guy's the mayor and he's on camera smoking crack in a crack den.
I wouldn't even know where to find crack, let alone a den full of it.
Well, maybe you should start by asking the guy that deals you weed.
Oh, yeah, I'm sure that Noah Schwartz of Congregation Sheket Bevakasha--
...knows all the finest crack and opium dens in Forest Hill.
I wish opium dens were still a thing.
And-and that's not the same thing.
Oh, yeah, no.
Crack is whack, opium is dope-ium.
I met the guy. He's real.
You know, isn't there this whole subset of journalism where you get to make up wildly inaccurate shit, tweet it to the masses and still get some of your own press while doing so?
That way, it's sort of worth it when they expose you.
How is that worth it?
You get your own Wikipedia page.
(bang on window!)
What did you think you were going to find sitting outside of his house? I'm just curious.
If he-if he left I could see where he went for myself and not just from other people on Instagram the next day.
You told the cops you were working on a story for the paper, is that right?
I don't know if I didn't make myself clear or if you have a drug problem I'm not aware of--
Yes! Yes, I fucked up. I know.
Well, I'm glad that got through.
Look at me: you do not pitch stories!
You are assigned things!
You do not use the paper's name when you are caught staking out the mayor's house. You get it?
You know, I actually wish we were paying you more, I really do.
That way we could just cut you from the budget.
It's funny how when you're dispensable you're actually not.
This is Ashley.
I'll have to call you back on that.
(cell phone buzzes)
Hey! I didn't know what happened to you.
Well, that's hard to say without seeing, uh, what we're paying for. How much were you thinking?
Well, they won't go above your asking price, so you should definitely start higher than you want.
I hope we're discussing lira.
Does anyone still use lira?
No, they have the pound.
Well, they call it a lira.
Turkey has the lira. Stop.
We're not paying 300,000 anything for a video.
Well, he started with 150.
You negotiated up?
No, no. Um, he said that they wouldn't go below 150 and so I said that he should start higher so there's room to negotiate.
So you negotiated up.
If the Globe knows, all the papers know.
One of them is gonna get it.
Did they say how much the guy was asking?
We could offer them more.
Offer them more?
Let's offer them ten grand.
For what? We haven't seen what we're even discussing.
If we're taking some guy who disappeared for two weeks--
You're good. We're taking some guy who disappeared for three weeks' word that there is a video that someone may want to see, maybe...
Where are you supposed to meet him?
We're not telling anyone anything.
I was just asking if--
I want to make sure it doesn't look like we were lying when this eventually leaks.
You know what happens if this leaks? He loses his job.
And you know what happens when he loses his?
If it leaks?
So, what's in the budget?
TMZ pays money for these stories.
TMZ also has revenue.
We are a real newspaper and we have a responsibility as journalists We have a responsibility to the city and, more importantly, to the people looking at your bottom line every day where your salary is one of the very brightest red numbers.
Do you know what kind of traffic this can pull to the site?
We are a newspaper!
We don't deal in news anymore, Judith.
Oh, it's-it's just a statement.
I still work for the city.
I-I get it. We also do.
We have the same boss, technically, me and you.
Even if we were to pay them something... we just fired people to save money.
We are not looking to add expenses here.
And they're looking for a ridiculous amount.
But what if we, uh, partnered with someone like they did on WikiLeaks?
I don't think The Times or Der Spiegel would have the same level of interest they had in the US State Department spying on the UN that they would in a Canadian mayor smoking crack.
And they didn't pay.
No, but I know they got approached.
The Star, probably The Globe, too.
Bram's guy spoke to them-- The Star.
How do you know that?
I know someone over there that can't really keep a secret.
You think they're having the same conversation about you at The Star right now?
Come here a second?
We can work it around your schedule.
I have to think about it.
Well, what if we get Ashley, that girl from his office?
She wouldn't go on record, but what if we did get her on record?
Nobody gives a fuck about her story!
They want to see a video of a mayor smoking crack.
Remember the budget increase we voted against?
"Office expenses". Yeah.
It was voted through, but Rob refused to take it.
Where does it live? The refused amount.
I guess it's in our office purses and whatever surplus is left at the end of fiscal goes back into the pot.
And they, uh, argued that office means "office".
Like, in the end, they're using it for what?
Whatever. Dubman uses it to sponsor a little league team.
You can use it in your community?
You can. Why?
I wanna give to a community charity using "office" expenses.
Dubman and Inchens and them do a "women's lunch" for themselves once in a while.
It's charged to their offices, so if the people of Toronto are unknowingly paying for $20 kale Caesars, I'm sure they'll be fine not knowing they're also giving to charity.
I want to know what is on there, so make sure he thinks we have more than we do.
This is good, Judith.
You can smile.
Go back to your desk.
(van side door slides shut)
(van door closes)
Should I put these on?
I mean, if you wanna listen.
All right, man.
Can I watch it again?
Just one for free, man.
Were you there?
Did you take the video?
He was there.
What's in the pipe?
Wha... Whadda you think, hm?
I'm just-I'm just makin' sure.
So, what are you maybe thinking about the money?
I think we can get you some.
Okay, so why don't you tell your boss what you saw and, uh, tell me a number, hm?
Here's what you do.
In a minute. Look, a lot of people are here.
It's all in how they wanna cut the waste, stand here every day to have their voices heard.
Good. Thank you for coming.
MAN: Hey, Rob.
Oh, hey! How are ya? Thanks for comin'.
Hey! You're hiring immigrants now, too, eh?
Yeah, you should get him a cab, not a suit.
No, no. Kamal's not...
No, Kamal's good. No, that's not right.
Ahhh, fuckin' gravy train, Rob!
Yeah, you got it, man! You got it.
- MAN: Pay a fine. Ah, we just need...
- WOMAN: Oh! That's him!
- MAN: Um, just need...
WOMAN 2: Oh! (laughing)
What kind of feeling do you get from this guy?
What do you mean?
Well, all we know about him is that whoever he's helping -- himself? Who knows?
All we know is that they're involved in drugs.
And it's not like some kid selling weed to some nerds playing gun games in their basement.
Who are we giving this money to?
We print murders every day -- gangs, whatever -- but...
We're not bankrolling it.
Well if-- If someone had a compromising video of someone in power and...
I don't know, somehow they used it as a chip with the office, then wouldn't it be better for a paper to pay something?
Rather than have that person hold some sort of power that the people would be affected by?
Go buy us some clicks.
(cell phone ringing)
Hello? Yes, I just got here. I'm fine.
Mom. Mom, I'll call you back.
(tense score begins)
(door slams shut)
Wrote it anyways.
You wrote what?
What the video is; what's on it, 'kay? I, I...
We can just describe it. I know what I saw and-and how to do it. Here, look...
If people hear what's on the video--
The people that'll believe it will believe it and the one's that won't, they won't.
No, no, no! Dave, Dave, I think that if we just print this, then it's pretty much--
Come here. Look. Come here.
This is insane.
Why are you smiling?
Why aren't you?
Seriously? Seriously, this is my story. This is-
Oh, Jesus Christ! You gotta stop saying that.
This is-- They don't even have the video, okay?
They're just describing it.
They're raising the money for it on top of the ten you gave away.
You're still here for the same reasons I am.
You could've bailed.
I need this job, too.
But, maybe it's...
Dude, if you've smoked crack once in the past, does that impact your ability to be mayor?
I don't know. Maybe.
It's a discussion. Fine.
But if you get blackout drunk enough that you can't remember the time that you harassed someone?
Then you should not be mayor of this city.
You know, I thought you would say something to him; ask Rob to apologize for what he said to me.
But then I thought, "Maybe Kamal doesn't have that much control over what Rob says".
But you didn't even say anything to me.
It was just another day.
I was just another woman.
Another story for you to bury.
I came in today...
And there you guys were.
And here we are.
And that's everything you know?
You got anything else?
(knocking on door)
You know what the kids are gonna say they find out I'm fired?
You can't get fired, really. Not like that.
Yes, they can!
They called me.
They don't want me to do it anymore.
They're gonna get the phys ed guy to coach now.
He don't even know those kids.
He coaches girls' volleyball and now he's gonna coach my team!
You're still the Mayor, Rob.
The kids are gonna read this shit.
I didn't do bad things.
I just want to make things good.
You know, I go and I meet everyone and I help 'em.
I don't care what.
Yeah, but they just wanna get me.
You don't think it'll be forever, do you?
Just, like a suspension, more of?
I think if there's no video then nothing's--
No, there's no video!
I swear, there's none.
I was just hanging out with the kids.
You know, we were just hanging out.
Like regular, you know?
But there's no video, though, Rob, right?
Yeah, but they always just want to get something.
And they're always on their phone.
And I know they're there and I know they're doing shit.
Sometimes I leave here and there's a cop car and I swear that I know that it's the same--
I get home and it's the same car, just driving around.
You know, like it's looking for somethin', or trying to put somethin' there -- plantin', like.
There's a game tonight.
I want you to give me their numbers.
We'll order pizza and then I'll tell them all to come over here after their game.
I think we gotta wait, Rob.
No. I wanna eat pizza and I wanna eat pizza with the kids.
Rob, I don't think that's a good--
You're not the fuckin' boss! I'm the boss!
You find the numbers and you write 'em down.
You just do that!
You think it's a fucking math test?
It's not math numbers!
I'll get the numbers, but then I'm gonna go.
No! No, don't leave, Kamal.
No. All right, all right; we'll just take a break and we'll come back in a little.
All right? I love ya'.
I love ya', Kamal.
You're my friend.
I'm sorry, okay?
Huh? Okay, so, and then you can come back after.
Remember that night? Here with your friends?
You yelled something to Ashley.
And I was here the next day--
Who? No, no. I don't remember.
You did, Rob.
You know, well, you know, I was--
I was having a good time. I, uh...
You know, I was a little out of control that night.
I was. I know. I'm not arguing.
I'm gonna go...
I'm on my knees, but I'm not a fucking cunt.
I'm not begging for ya'.
I'll order pizza! Easy.
You know, Rob, I love that you answer everyone's call and that you see everyone that needs something and that you like to have a good time when you're out.
I thought that'd be a cool guy to work for.
That's a good mayor.
But, if you're drunk enough you don't know you harassed one of your own--
If you're done, I have another Kamal comin'.
No problem, buddy.
It's on here.
I can't tell you how I got it, but it's... But it's there.
We tapped the guy's phones.
The video guy.
He in trouble?
Yeah, we can't say.
Is he gonna lose his job?
He's the mayor.
Is that a yes or no?
Am I in trouble?
It wasn't illegal, what you did.
Stupid, but not illegal.
We're just trying to figure out how to get your boss her money back, is all. But...
Yeah. You're fine.
But your judgment was just way, way off.
I don't see how we can continue with you from here.
Like, at all?
I like you, Bram. Mostly.
But, you know, this was just--
You're firing me?
We're not renewing your contract.
You guys gave the go ahead.
All you had to do was show up and do what you were asked.
Show up, shut up, head down. That's all a kid like you has to know, has to do.
You think I'm sitting on this side of the desk because I showed up?
You think everybody who wanted to work here knew somebody?
That's your chance.
So, no, you don't get another until you earn it.
Maybe I should've thought longer before trusting someone so green, or maybe you took too big a bite.
I don't know. But...
I think: maybe you're just not a very good journalist.
(busy office atmosphere)
Bram? Come on back.
I banged your pussy.
Are you sure that's what he said?
But you had been drinking that night, correct?
Ah, I was just, um...
I know that sometimes if I have a drink or two, I'll remember different. I just...
Are you sure you're remembering exactly what happened?
And even though I had a beer before coming here, I'll also remember that I said "fuck you" to a police officer when you ask me if that actually happened, too.
Any other questions?
I see you were volunteering as a football coach for a period.
But, well, were you doing anything to keep yourself sharp?
I noticed there's actually a large gap between you're graduating and now.
Uh, I was working.
I think I may have the old version here.
Uh, no. No, I was, uh...
I was finding that I wasn't getting called in for anything, so...
So, I figured if I could explain my last job in person it wouldn't be such a red flag.
Dare I ask where you last worked?
I worked in the mayor's office.
So, before you decide that anyone who worked there must have been a complete moron, I can explain what I did there and how I did it, how I did my job.
Which, given the circumstances, I think I did pretty damn well, actually.
And what was your job title there?
Officially or unofficially?
Special Assistant to the Mayor.
- FEMALE REPORTER: We are waiting outside the office--
Oh! Here's Mayor Ford.
I want to call Mayor Britannia in Hamilton and tell him we're gonna have to spank the little Tiger Cats.
Oh! And the last thing: Ashley Pollack.
It says she says I wanted to eat her pussy, Ashley Pollack.
I've never said that in my life to her, I would never do that.
I'm happily married. I've got more than enough to eat at home.
Thank you very much.
- MAN 3: You're on and you want to say something, you know?
You, what do- what do you say to her?
- Oh! And the last thing: Ashley Pollack.
It says she says I wanted to eat her pussy -- Ashley Pollack.
I've never said that in my life to her. I would never do that.
I'm happily married. I've got more than enough to eat at home.
(talk show studio audience laughing)
- TALK SHOW HOST: That's what you say right there!
Thank you, Rob!
Right there. Thank you, Rob.
Okay, so, other than sort of knowing Deb, what should I know about you?
Uh, well I went to Western for undergrad and...
No, no. I got all that. I read the resume.
You're a writer.
Well, I guess the news is meant to be divisive now.
Anything. You're left, or right, old or young.
Yeah, you don't know how many articles - news articles -
I have read about how people my age are lazy and entitled and... everything that's wrong with the world.
Uh, I am not lazy.
I don't think my friends are lazy. Um...
I mean, I spent my entire life in school trying to be the best one in the class because that's what they told us to do and, so, I did.
I, uh, I did every program that my parents signed me up for.
You know, hockey on Mondays and guitar on Tuesdays, karate on Wednesdays, hockey on Thursday mornings again.
Uh... A math tutor that night. Playdate, playdate, playdate.
We were, um, bred to be doing stuff.
Constantly, with-with everyone else. And, so...
If I get bored easily, yeah, I mean, I-I had a busier social calendar before the age of 11
than most heads-of-state do. So...
So, no. I do not really. I-I don't get the "lazy" thing.
You know, we-we-we've been constantly stimulated since the moment our mothers realized that something was growing in them.
Before they even bought the pee sticks, they went to the CD store so they could blast classical music into their wombs, so...
You know, you'll have to forgive me if, once in a while, I don't know what to do with myself, so I play on my phone.
Uh, you get annoyed because
we got participation ribbons for everything, you know, even if we didn't win. But...
But isn't that pretty great, though? I mean...
You know, am I entitled? Yes.
Yeah, I am. You know, I want things.
I think that I deserve things. But I, you know I know that I have to work hard for the stuff that I want. I'm not...
I'm not an idiot. Um...
I'll never be able to afford a house, but...
But I want one.
You know, I don't-- I'm not sure that I can get married any time soon, but I-I-I would like to, I guess.
Um, you know, I'd just be happy to buy a car at this point.
And, I mean, there's-there's the constant pressure to just do all that stuff already from-from the
people that bought houses and-and got married and stuff
when they were 22.
And, then, elected people that are gonna screw us
for the next 50 years.
I mean if we haven't destroyed the earth by then.
Yes, I-I think that, uh, participation ribbons are-are really great.
Actually, I-I, you know, I don't have to be the best! I wanna be.
I do! I wanna be the best, but I...
But if I'm not, I don't--
I think I should still be able to participate.
You know? I-I...
To-to-to do something that I love, or... be a part of something, or, at least just get paid for it, you know?
I-I want to participate, so, yes!
I would, yes, I would like my fucking participation ribbon.
I'm sorry that I... That I swore just now.
WOMAN 4: Bram?
Sorry for the wait.
Let me show you around.
(closing credit score)
(closing credit score fades out)
(record player off)