Ruthless People (1986) Script

* hey

* stand up

* hey

* ruthless people

* rude people

* greedy forever and ever *

* success

* greedy and ever so clever *

* a mess

* giving their right arm to creep into paradise *

* they'll even blackmail saint peter *

* to pay the price

* hey

* stand up

* get on your feet

* ruthless people

* greed and evil

* oh, yes

* you can have it

* if you want it

* it might take the rest of your life *

* if you want it

* you could have it

* do a balancing act on a knife *

* you can have it

* if you want it

* if you think it's cheap at the price *

* if you want it

* you could have it

* but sweat your sweet soul out on ice *

* ruthless people

* ruthless people carol, did i tell you why i married her? yes, sam, many, many-- her father was very, very rich and very, very sick. the doctors assured me he'd be dead any minute. there wasn't a second to lose. i rushed out and married the boss' daughter. he was so sick, it was like the angel of death was sitting in the room watching the clock. they pulled the plug on him. he wheezed and shook for about an hour, and then... he stabilized! the son of a bitch just got older and sicker and older and sicker and older and sicker! more coffee, sir? no! i couldn't wait. i went out and made my own fortune. the old fart hung on for another 15 years! finally died of natural causes. i want the rest of that money. his money, her money-- it's my money. i had to live with that squealing, corpulent little toad all these years! i hate that woman! i hate the way she licks stamps. i hate her furniture. and i hate that little sound she makes when she sleeps. baa! baa! ah! and that filthy, little shitbag dog of hers--muffy! aren't you scared? scared? hell, no! i'm looking forward to it. my only regret, carol, is that the plan isn't more violent. don't you consider throwing a body off a cliff in the dead of night violent? nah! she'll be unconscious, knocked out from the chloroform. i'm talking about hands-on involvement. hands-on?

oh? oh ho ho! i'm going now. i can't wait! grrr... good luck.


barbara, dear, i have something for you.

barbara? where are you, dearest? i have something for you.

honey?

barbara?

dumpling?

barbara? no notes? no messages? this is not like you, you meticulous bitch. it's just like that woman to screw this up! damn it!

what are you doing here? mining the carpet with little poodle bombs? here! take a whiff of this. i'll kill you! i'll wring your neck!

hairy rat!


hello. mr. stone, listen very carefully. we have kidnapped your wife. we have no qualms about killing and will do so at the slightest provocation. who the hell is this? i have no patience for stupid questions. i don't like repeating myself. all right. i'm sorry. please continue. you are to obtain a new, black american tourister briefcase, model number 8104. do you understand? yes. in it you will place $500,000 in unmarked, non-sequentially numbered $100 bills. do you understand? sure. monday morning at 11 a.m., you will proceed to hope street plaza and wait for a phone to ring. do you understand? yes, i do. you will be watched at all times. if any action is not carried out to our complete satisfaction, your wife will be killed. do you understand? i believe so. if you notify the police or media, your wife will be killed. if you deviate from our instructions in any way, she will be killed. do you understand? perfectly. i'm at the stone mansion in bel air, where 45 minutes ago mr. stone received a call from a man demanding ransom for his wife barbara.


mmm! mmm! uhh! kenny! uh! uh! mmm! mmm! unh! grab her legs! mmm!

yaah! aah! aah!

do you think she's dead?

aah!


you fucked with the wrong person! my husband does business with the mafia! when they track you down, you, your entire family, everybody you ever knew, will all get chain-saw enemas! that's not all! oh, my god! i've been abducted by huey and dewey!

jesus christ! it smells like a toilet in here! it's just ammonia. we cleaned this place up. i had a sponge-- my husband worships the ground i walk on! when he hears about this, he will explode! ha ha ha ha! bye-bye, barbara. ha ha ha! a kidnapping today in bel air. police tell us barbara stone, the wife of clothing tycoon sam stone, was abducted from the couple's estate. preliminary sources indicated that mr. stone was contacted late this afternoon, and that a ransom demand has been made.

....kill mrs. stone if his demands were not met. it's on every goddamn channel! millionaire heiress barbara stone has been kidnapped-- what did he do, hire a publicist? i feel terrible. do you feel as guilty as i do? are you kidding? he takes our money, steals your idea, goes out and makes a million dollars, and you feel guilty?

i can't believe it. how many times have we been over this? oh, honey, not again. let me remind you of something. you are the spandex miniskirt king, not him. he is the spandex miniskirt thief. he's the one who should feel guilty. look at this. do you remember this? you cried for a week when you saw this. look at the smile on that asshole. i know he stole it, but s didn't do anything. she's his partner! damn it, sandy, do you enjoy getting stepped on? do you?

'cause i don't. and i don't feel guilty. i take it back. i do feel guilty. i feel very guilty. i trusted a sleazeball like sam stone with our life savings on a handshake deal and sat there and watched him take it away. that's over. we know better now. from now on, we trust no one. to hell with everybody else. we've got to be ruthless. think ruthless. what if i can't? you've got to. it makes you strong. why be decent when nobody else is? let's be assholes and get rich.

ooh! ohh! ohh! ohh! ohh! oh, whoa! i'm crazy about you, you big galoot! ooh! you were something today! yeah. it just doesn't get any better than this. mm, i'll take a quick shower. can you be ready when i get out? ready? you're getting ready for sam. the video equipment, remember? tonight's the night. oh, yeah. i knew that. you remember where i told you to go? the old deserted bridge near the hollywood sign. that's right. he'll have a rented car. he's afraid of getting blood on his sports car. get as close as you can. get a good shot of his face. without it, we can't blackmail him. you get that videotape of sam finishing off his wife, and he will give us anything we want for the rest of his life. yeah. then we're off to haiti. not haiti--tahiti. i knew that. the passports came today.

cool.

frank. glad you're here. what have we got? we found a chloroform-soaked handkerchief stuffed down in the garbage, and a tire print on the lawn. we found blood in the kitchen. where's mr. stone? upstairs. he seems pretty upset.

* whoa!

yes? mr. stone, lieutenant bender and walters are here. they'd like to start as soon as possible. i'll be right there.

ow! oh! oh! ah!


so soon... ha ha!


i like to hear a woman make noise. i'll scream my head off, honey. it's your money. my wife just lays there like a gunnysack.

aah!

oh, my god! she isn't dead yet. going to kill her right here! ohh! ohh! aah! aah! oh! aah! ohh! ohh! aah! ohh! oh! aah! aah! ungh... aaaah! ohh! ohh! unh! aah! aah! aaah! ohh! aah! aaah! ohh! aaaah!

i have no enemies that i know of. i'm a businessman. i manufacture women's sportswear. i think i've heard of you. don't they call you the spandex king? the spandex miniskirt king. probably read one of the articles. it was his idea-- spandex miniskirts. was there anybody here today when you came home-- servants, maids? it's the maid's day off. did you notice anything out of the ordinary? not that i can remember. when did you come home? that's the dog. she isn't properly house trained.

no, it's sweet. the dog's a little diabetic. i think it's wine or-- oh, oh! i know what that must be. i closed a very important business deal this morning, and when i came home, i opened a bottle of champagne. as i was walking through the house celebrating, i called to barbara to come and share the moment with me. she never came. those monsters!

earl! it was horrible. she wasn't drugged or anything. what happened? she screamed and screamed, and god, it took forever! it must have lasted two minutes. he kept stopping and starting. he'd let her catch her breath and start again. she'd scream louder and louder. when she finally died, he looked so satisfied, i thought he was going to light a cigarette. son of a bitch enjoyed it. sam's just been on tv claiming she was kidnapped. she wasn't kidnapped. he killed her. honey, i know. it's an alibi. he said that to throw the police off his trail. you're going to watch that? i think i should. baby, you don't want to. it'll make you sick. i think i can take it. oh, no. aah! ohh! oh! oh! ooh! i can't watch this.

he actually went through with it.

stay here. don't come out. sam's here.

ta-da!

* zip-a-dee doo-dah

* zip-a-dee-ay

* my, oh, my, what a wonderful day! * i've been watching you on tv. good performance, sam. what a story!

"barbara stone kidnapped." i couldn't have made up anything better. it's brilliant! and the press loves it. well, that's very clever, sam. it's inspired. imagine--someone demanding money from me to keep barbara alive. unbelievable! idiots! come on. let's have a drink. i can't stay long. i've got to get back and look sad. the police believed you? they ate it up. i fed 'em a banquet of bullshit. i threw them off by miles. all i have to do is just do nothing. i have to show up at the fictitious ransom drop. you made up your own ransom drop? naturally. i got news for you, carol. that woman ain't comin' back. i know. ha ha ha! did you have any trouble? nah! i'm telling you, i enjoyed it! i'm having fun. aah! we'll clean the rug, honey. oh! ha ha! oh! for you, my cupcake. to the kidnappers.

to the future mrs. sam stone. umm! whoops! i got to run. i'm sorry. i was hoping we'd have time for a little... unh! poke in the whiskers. what a shame. i'll take a rain check and a few bonbons.

* zip-a-dee doo-dah

* zip-a-dee-ay... moose always winds up with an opponent. merdo's going to get a taste-- ooh, my. look at all that hair... or fur, if you would.

you ok?


she's out! help! police! get the chloroform! police! somebody help me! uhh! aah! get me the police! i've been kidnapped! god! how do i know where i am?

good. now be quiet and don't move. nice faces. nice, easily identifiable faces. boo! aaah! i can't do this anymore!

ow! god, that hurts!

ah. ohh!

aah! aah! oh! ah!

aah! oh! oh! aah! mmm! mmm! mmm! aah! aah! ugh. uh...


this is sergeant blake at the lab. i'd like a purchase search on uniroyal model nxp. that's right, for all of l.a. county. this is action newsbreak. police are at the scene of a murder in inglewood. it may be another attack by the bedroom killer. police are asking anyone who has seen this man to contact them at... police have issued a warning that this man is extremely dangerous, and citizens should not attempt to apprehend him. this is action news break. away it goes. trying to beat-- money--very sound--

6, keep going. steady. nice and tall. come on. knees up and reach. get those heels down and pull those abdominals in. pull them in. suck them up.

if you're still on that couch eating that doughnut, put it down and get up.

3, 4. standing nice and tall. heels down and front. come on, reach.

get those pepperoni thighs nice and high, and reach. do it a little higher. squeeze those buns. remember, if you don't, no one else will.

don't forget to breathe. ahh! ah. ah. what if he doesn't show? well, then you get to keep her.

everything's going to work.

i'll call you.

sandy, he's going to show. it's his wife.

where are you, sam?

you son of a bitch. i'm gonna turn your transmitter on. you can't see the microphone? no. it looks fine. mr. stone... telephone.

hello. mr. stone, we had a meeting. yeah, harry, i have some friends here. why don't you call me on my office line?

555-7583, right? business associate.

555-7583. 555-7583.

hello. mr. stone, why have you failed to appear at the designated destination? i just couldn't make it. the cops are there, right? that's right. reporters, too. all right, mr. stone. i'm a reasonable man. i'm going to give you one more chance. we will reschedule our rendezvous for wednesday. do you understand? you're rescheduling? yes, i am. so she's still alive? she's in perfect health. uh... in our previous discussion, you mentioned that you would... um...kill my wife if procedure wasn't followed accurately, and that still goes? definitely. uh...what method would you use? a bullet through the head... at close range. that would do it. no question. um...well, you've got me convinced. until wednesday. till wednesday, then.

muffy... you've taken your last piss on my rug. tell mr. stone it's time to leave for the ransom drop. i hope he's not-- oh, my god!

it just... it just went off.

* coast to coast, via satellite *

* the greatest show in town *

* tonight we crown the champion, yeah *

* so spread the word around *

* who's the best?

* pass the test

* who's got that look in their eyes? * better give him a call.

hello? this is bender. it's been an hour. he hasn't shown up. i don't think they will. why don't you go home? we'll send an unmarked car to follow you. all right. all right.

give me your money, jack, before i kill you. come on. come on. here you go. give me your wallet before i stick this right through your back. all right. yo, my wallet. and your jewelry-- your watch, rings, everything. you want my underwear, too, you piece of shit? here.

this town's got some neighborhood watch. i brought you more magazines. more magazines? how long do you plan on keeping me? as soon as mr. stone pays the ransom. it should be monday. good. i'd hate to miss my doctor's appointment. doctor's appointment? do you need medication? i get a urine injection. you get urine injected? why? it promotes weight loss. does it work? yeah, it works.

"lancome throat and firming massage creams, "sperm whale oil, royal queen bee jelly." we can't afford these things. that's not my problem. it's yours. supply these, and i'll tell the jury you acted humanely. it might make the difference between life-- and the chair. a-a-a-a-aagh! uhh! uhh! ugh... or the gas chamber.

sometimes, if it's a firing squad, they miss all the major arteries. bang! and you don't die right away. you kind of just... hang on... bleeding... bleeding... uhh! bleeding... aah! endlessly.

i want you to mail this from across town. i don't want him seeing the postmark from my neighborhood. right. you're good at this. we can't be too careful with sam. he's a very suspicious man. yeah. i've got to see him one more time. if i don't see him on his birthday, he'll be very, very suspicious. he'll be expecting his usual present. it's been horrible. no matter what i do, she just tears into me. she hates me. sandy, you're her kidnapper. she's supposed to hate you. i'll take it. ok. just ignore her. heeya!

no dinner for you, then. gee whiz! that really hurts. i'm a real aficionado of death camp cuisine! look... as long as you're here, why don't you just pretend to be a guest? nice butt. that's what they'll say. beg your pardon? nice butt. that's what they'll say on your first day in the men's club. men's club? the san quentin country club. you'll be the belle of the ball. your dance card will be filled every day. you'll be so popular, making all kinds of new, close friends-- big, ugly, hairy friends. not that you'll see what they look like

'cause you'll be facing the other way.

you're very good at this. you should write children's books.

oh, get! get away! get out of here, you smelly piece of... get! get! go on! do your attack dogs just attack people, or can you get them to attack little dogs? well, what if you starved them for a while? oh. all right, thank you. yeah? miss farnsworth to see you. send her in. happy birthday, sam.

i brought you your present. oh, yeah? where is it?

here it is, sam. does it meet with your satisfaction? mmm... is there anything else you desire? how about a big dog? can you get one? a big dog? yeah, like a great dane or a mastiff. how big's a shepherd get? sam, as sexually provocative as i like to think i am-- i'm not asking you to screw the dog, carol. it's for me.

see, that's what i've got. it's the best they carry. can i help you? yeah. katie's here to get a stereo, and i'm seeing that she doesn't get ripped off. don't worry. i'm not like the others. how much did you want to spend?

$500. $800.

$500. ok. i think i have an idea. let's start with speakers. over here, we have a great speaker-- the century ev-1. consumer stereo rated this a best buy. what do you think of this one? the dominator x-1? well, the dominator's a good marketing idea, but it's really not a good speaker. we mark it up 500% and sell it at 50% off. the customer thinks he's getting a deal, and we make a bundle. it's so big and impressive. size means very little. bigger is not necessarily better. i sound like dr. ruth. ha ha ha! you mean the dominator's like a... the dominators are very popular with men who'd like to have bigger...uh... equipment? exactly. all right, let's try this one. the knees are bent down. hips tucked under. we're going to work on the waist-- loosen it up. out, and reach as far as you can. keep going. ok, left. hold it to the left. reach as far as you can. reach the right arm up. very slowly twist through the rib cage, and then slowly lift that right leg up and hold it. all right. aah... keep holding it. doesn't that feel good?

muffy? oh, muffy?

muffy...meet adolph. adolph, eat muffy.

bon appetit, adolph.

junk. garbage. garbage. junk. what do we got here?

aah! aah! oh! ah! oh! aah! oh... ah! ah! oh! oh! oh! oh. uh. ah! uh...uh... oh! oh! ahh... aah! ohh! ohh! more! oh. ha ha ha!

hello. carol, i got your tape. what are you talking about? the tape. the videotape. what makes you think it was me? who else would send me something like this? ohh! it's sam. he's onto us. how the hell did you get this, carol? a friend of mine took it. it's terrific. i know why you sent me this tape, honey. and you know what i'm going to do? i'm going to do the same thing with you, and you, too, can scream your brains out because no one's going to hear. you are going to be begging me for mercy. whimpering. ha ha ha! here she goes again. listen to this. this is my favorite part. aah! aah! aaaah! aah!

he's going to kill me. he's going to torture me and kill me. i can't stay here. i'm going to have to stay... at your place.

* well, jimmy lee was hookin' round the far turn *

* of a funky southern florida dirt track *

* he had mud caked on his goggles *

* and a screamin' 350 stacked up on his back *

* well, as he passed the stands *

* he was feelin' all tuckered out *

* when through the roar of his engine... * don't worry, honey. you can stay here as long as you want. aw, shoot! crockett and tubbs-- they're floating. i can't sit here and wait for him to track me down and kill me. we've got to get sam put in jail. i want you to make another copy of that tape, and this one's for the police.

i guess it's just a matter of time before you're caught, right, honeybuns? barbara, i want to ask you a personal question. you and mr. stone... did you get along?

so, what did she say? she just insulted me. i don't think he loves her. face it, she's not mother teresa. gandhi would have strangled her. what are we going to do? i'm tired of being scared all the time. i can't take this anymore. i know he's bluffing. i just know it. i've got to be really tough with him. never let the seller know you're hot to trot. tell him you haven't got the money.

hello? debbie? yeah, debbie's here. who's this? well, ralph, debbie can't talk right now. my dick's in her mouth. how about i have her call you back when i'm done? i love wrong numbers. anyway, tell him you don't have the money. that it's all tied up in investments. hang on. a bad salesman automatically drops his price. bad salesmen make me sick. hello? mr. stone... do you love your wife? hang on. would you excuse me, please? sure, mr. stone.

go ahead. mr. stone, you love your wife, don't you? sure, i love her. mr. stone, we demand a satisfactory explanation why you haven't shown with the money. you're asking a lot of cash. i haven't got that kind of money. it's all tied up in investments. i'm sorry. sorry? what do you mean, "sorry"? no can do. what?! no deal. take your business elsewhere. what? no cashola. uh...wh-wh-what about...less? you make me sick. make me an offer. uh...bring-- bring 50,000... in unmarked bills... to the same phone... on--at noon on thursday. thursday. tomorrow's thursday. you mean tomorrow? yes, tomorrow! bring 50,000 tomorrow! and if i don't? you'll see your wife in the morgue, pal.

mr. stone, we think we've found your wife. we'll need you to come identify the body.

uh-huh.

that's not her. there must be some mistake. we want the woman who was brought in this morning. jane doe 56? she's in the next room.

it looks like her... a lot like her, but it's not her.

my barbara, she's alive!

* you see her sittin' with her coffee and her paper *

* with her high top sneakers *

* of italian design

* with a long, cool stare, she aggravates the tension *

* makes up her face while she makes up her mind *

* now you're in trouble

* maybe she's an intellectual *

* what if she figures out you're not very smart? *

* or maybe she's the quiet type *

* who's into heavy metal

* boy, you got to get it settled *

* 'cause she's breakin' your heart *

* don't try to put on an act *

* you can't do that to a modern woman *

* and you're an old-fashioned man *

* she understands the things you're doin' *

* she's a modern woman

* she's a modern woman

* she's a modern woman aah! aah! aah! aah! aah! aah! aah! more! aah! aah! uhh! unh! aah! uhh! uhh!

yes? sir, there's someone on the phone. they say they sent you that tape. put them through, please.

hello? hello. is this chief benton? uh...yes. i'm the one who sent you the tape. have you had a look at it yet? yes. i just saw it. so what do you think? well, obviously it's very upsetting. this whole thing's making me ill. oh, i agree. that poor woman. she had to go through a living hell. i'd rather die a quick death. all right! all right! what do you want from me? well, arresting sam stone would be a good start. you want me to arrest sam stone? any special reason why i should arrest him? for murdering his wife! murder? well, uh...all right. ok. but you know it's not going to be easy. i'll need evidence. that tape isn't enough to convince you? geez. think of the publicity you'll get. all right! all right! i'm convinced. i'll have sam stone arrested. thank you.

sam stone?

chief benton. the investigation's taking a new direction. we've reason to believe stone may have murdered his wife. mr. stone? oh, no. comb this place until you find something. yes, sir.

muffy! there you are. aww. where have you been, huh? little girl. oh, yeah. the big dog won't hurt you, huh? just a big--


what is it? chief benton, i found this-- chloroform. williams found snapshots of stone with another woman. really?

jackpot.

ken kessler? we're police officers. i'm lieutenant bender. this is lieutenant walters. may we have a word with you? oh, sure. come upstairs. we can talk in the salesmen's office.

have a seat. mr. kessler, over a week ago a lady named barbara stone was kidnapped. are you familiar with this? yeah. i read about it. we believe the vehicle the kidnappers used left a tire print in her driveway. we took a mold and analyzed it. these are the prints of the kidnappers' car. these are the prints of your car.

is there a phone i can use? uh...sure. it's right over there, uh...on the desk.

huh. amazing similarity. would you excuse me? i've got to go to the bathroom. i've got a touch of the stomach flu. sure. go right ahead. chloroform? what about fingerprints? bingo. we have a winner.

you won't believe this. they found evidence implicating stone. stone? you're kidding. chloroform and fingerprints. i'll be damned. let's get out of here. where's kessler? in the john. uhh. oohh. stomach flu. mr. kessler? i'll be right out! don't bother, sir! thank you for your help. we'll just show ourselves out. oohh! arrgh. unh.

hello. mr. stone, we came close to killing your wife, but she begged us repeatedly for just one more chance. in the spirit of compassion and mercy, we decided not to kill her. compassion and mercy? what the hell's going on? i thought you people were ruthless. we are, mr. stone-- then what's this phone call about? we called to make you an offer, an offer even you can't refuse. oh? yeah.

10,000. fat chance! mr. stone, this is no joke! we're desperate people! i believe this is a joke, and you're it! when we spoke last, you said my wife would be in the morgue if i didn't pay. i was at the morgue, and she wasn't there. you lied. know what i think? no. you got no nuts! do i have to put a gun in your hand, aim, and pull your finger down, you spineless wimp? i dare you to kill her! now, that ought to do it.

hey, want to sell me a stereo? yeah, i'll sell you a stereo. i'm looking for something hot. i don't want to get ripped off. ok. you're looking for some real hot speakers, right? i'm not talking about something you just listen to. i'm talking about the kind of sound you can feel. yeah! you know what i mean. when it comes to great stereo, you can't beat big speakers. i'm talking about big speakers with big woofers. like this! this has a nice little 8-inch woofer, or this 10-incher. over here, we have a big 12-inch. but i can tell you want something even bigger. fuck, yeah.

"fuck, yeah" is right. we've got to go to the big room for this. the big room! check it out, my man! the flagship of the dominator line-- the mx-10. i have these.

30 inches of thigh-slapping, blood-pumping nuclear brain damage. bitchin'! hey, what's it fucking cost? that's the great part! it don't matter. if you can't afford it, finance it!

* kick it out! kick it out! * yeah! wooo! yeah! so what if it's as big as a subaru and costs as much? you'll never have to trade this in! when you die, they can bury you in it! i want it! yeah!

* we're better off dead

* yeah, fishhook, electric prod *

* stick a needle in my mouth * this guy is ok. the first guy i can trust! why don't i show you something else? they're not very big, but they're rated the best buy-- the century ev-1s. they're not going to break you. kick them up! a little more. kick it out! two more! that's it! whew! i'm pooped! let's take a break. take a break? come on, you little wimp! let's go!

well, here's your lunch. it's fruit salad. you seem to like that the most, although you don't eat much. my body's become a more efficient machine. i go farther with less food. you must be in good shape. you look good. you've--you've lost a lot of weight. huh? what? oh, yeah. you've lost a lot of weight. at least 20 pounds. what?

20--do--do you have a scale? i don't know how to thank you! thank me? i've been to--

10 different fat farms in the last-- i don't know how many years. i lost a total of 6 pounds. i have lost 20 pounds!

i wasn't sure, but...it felt thin. you wouldn't have a-- never mind. a--a what? no, no, no. it's--it's very silly. no, what? please tell me. oh...all my life i wanted to have a slinky little figure so i could wear some... bill blass, or...valentino. some exotic full-length evening gown like christian dior. are--are you kidding me? you're kidding me! i'm sorry. i know it's ridiculous to think somebody of your... moderate means-- i'll be right back! don't go anywhere, ok?

sam stone? you're under arrest. for mixing cotton with silk?

* foxy this is absolutely beautiful! whose design is this? is this bill blass? is this albert nipon? too conventional. i know. oscar de la renta. i designed it. get out of here! really? wow! you're a professional? nah. you are! this is sensational! do you have more? wait!

* yeah

* i won't do you no harm, no *

* you got to be all mine, all mine *

* woo, foxy lady

* foxy so sam told you i was his partner? no way! he was just passing the buck. oh... so...when do i get out of here? as soon as mr. stone pays the ransom. what's the problem? what's the ransom? it--it was $500,000. that shouldn't be a problem. he complained. he complained? and then we dropped our price to $50,000. yeah? he didn't pay. he didn't pay? so now what? so now we're dropping our price again to $10,000. do i understand this correctly? i'm being marked down? what is this, the bargain basement?

i've been kidnapped by k-mart. oh, don't cry, barbara.

hey, check it out. you sure are pretty. all right, stone. let's go! hey, is it something i said? although it's a capital crime, the accused is an upstanding member of the community, a responsible and successful businessman, and has never before posed a threat to society. bail will be granted and set at, um...

$700,000. you want to try for a reduction? no. let's get out of here. that filthy slug. that screeching witch. that pasty-faced troll. the judge? my wife. i got to get her back.

sandy? kenny? it's over. sam isn't going to pay the ransom. i'm no criminal. i can't even sell retail... and that's legal. we got to get packing and get out. i've got some very interesting news for you. i am the new rising star in high fashion! let's get a grip on ourselves. we're going to mexico. does that mean we let barbara go? we're not taking her with us. i've already let her go. what? you let her go?

oh, my god! you let her run out? yeah! oh, my god! she knows where we live. the police will be here any minute! no. she really likes us now. i showed her my gowns. she loves them! we're all going into business together. we'll open our fall line in paris. she really, truly loves me! she can be trusted! she's changed! changed? did you perform an exorcism? ken, she lost nearly 20 pounds. you had to be there. it was a special moment.

i'm surprised they knocked.

oh! good afternoon. i was wondering if you've seen this man. he was sighted in the area a few weeks ago. he's psychotic and extremely dangerous. he's killed six people. i got to get out of here! my wife, she's... late for work. doesn't look familiar. keep this and give us a call if you do see him. don't try to subdue him. he's extremely violent. he looks it. thank you very much, officer.

sandy! it's ok! it's ok! they're looking for somebody else.

i'll get the other suitcase from the basement.


aah!

hello? hello? anybody home? oh, hello. are you a friend of ken and sandy's?

you... look like my mother. i hate my mother.

ooh. no. ooh.

you... you look just like my father. i hate my father! aah! what the hell was that? oh, honey, don't touch him! oh, my god. what? it's the bedroom killer. he told me i looked like his mother. he hates his mother. he's dead. so, if i look like his mother, and you look like his father, this is what our son would look like. pretty strong argument for birth control. what do we do now? barbara, what are you doing here?

i got it. i tell you, i've got it! listen to this. sam arrives on a motorcycle wearing shorts. no shoes. no shirt. nothing. maybe just a jockstrap. then we send him all over town in the middle of a hot, sunny day. sam burns easily. he'll be bright red in no time. i can't believe this is happening. then he covers himself with honey and goes to a bee farm. the bees go nuts. i don't think she means it. then we watch while they sting him to death. barbara, don't we want a punishment that will last? my god, he must have been seeing this woman for years. castrate him! i want to castrate him.

wouldn't it be better if we struck at his core? his reason for living? what would that be? his testicles. would you know what sam's total worth would be? not just the big stuff. the little stuff, too. yeah, i think so. good. i want you to write it down in plenty of detail. fire up the stove. get the tofu burgers. we're calling sam.


my tux. my silk tux. et tu, adolph? et tu?

hello? hi, sam. oh, thank god it's you! i've been thinking about your last offer.

$10,000 is fair and acceptable. she's in bad shape, sam. we've been torturing her. aah! aah! don't kill her! don't kill her. we discovered your wife's worth more than 10,000. what do you mean? we've upped the ransom. to what?

$2 million.

$2 million? are you out of your fucking mind? where'd you get a figure like that? you'd be surprised at the quality of information a lit cigarette can provide. aah! what else? shh. he's got rare gems in a safe. sam, forgive me. what kind of gems? how many? i don't know! aah! aah! aah! four flawless one-carat diamonds! aargh! the bitch blabbed! apparently, you got a million two built up in sam's sportswear. another 350,000 in your pension plan. general dynamics closed at 75 3/4 today, which brings another 175,000.

45,000 for the excalibur. now there's the four one-carat diamonds in the safe. you inhuman slime!

after his release, mr. stone continued to deny the charges. the district attorney insists there's overwhelming evidence. overwhelming evidence is right. what more do they want? how could they let him go? hello? hello. it's me again. i see sam stone's been released. it's not easy keeping a man in jail with these liberal courts. a man is innocent until proven guilty. how do you think these courts would feel if i gave that tape to the media? oh, my...god. yeah. they'd go crazy for it. they love to show sick stuff like that. it'd probably be on national tv

24 hours a day for weeks. i bet that'd get a reaction. please, don't do that! where's your sense of compassion? why do you have to be so vicious? vicious? have you seen that tape? come on, what's the big deal? it's just a lonely man who wanted a little excitement. that kind of thing happens every day. everybody does it! i don't believe this. i don't believe you said that. men get the urge. we're only human! you're sick! hello? don't hang up on me, please! so what did he say? something strange is happening here. either the chief is a complete moron-- and complete morons are rare--

or he's playing games with me. we better find someplace where we can look at that tape. shall we look in sara's room? this is perfect. it is? give me the tape. i've got 10 minutes to get to the radio station. ok. easy to wear, hard to resist. oh! oh! oh! oh! oh! ohhh! you idiot! this isn't sam! and he isn't killing her. that's my husband! barbara really was kidnapped. she really was kidnapped! please believe me! you got to be there! they're coming this time for sure! i think the deli's using a different mustard. last time, it was tangier-- i'm pleading for my life, and you're discussing the inconsistencies of lunch meat condiments! haven't you heard a word i've said?

aah! since the house is in your wife's name, as well as her other 15 million in assets, you're not legally entitled to it while she's alive. however, you've got a million two built up in equity in your business, another 350,000 in your pension plan. you can use that as collateral. all right, let's do it!

hello? sam? carol, where the hell have you been? i've called a hundred times. sam, i miss you. how have you been? i'm going crazy over this kidnapping thing, and the cops won't help me. why? they think i made up the kidnapping. they won't even show up at the ransom drop. you're going to be all by yourself? that's terrible. how much money is it?

$2.2 million. cash? of course. have you heard of a kidnapper taking a check? where are you giving them the money? i mean, i hope it isn't dangerous. i've got to go to a...a phone booth on, uh, hope street plaza.


hello? sam... it's so nice to hear your voice. how's muffy? we don't have much time. there's a gun pointed at my head, and they're making me give the ransom instructions in case the police are listening. you must make sure there are no police. nope, no cops. now, have you got all the money?

$2.2 million, in unmarked, non-sequential bills, you miserable scum-sucking pig? oh, honey, i'm so sorry. they made me say that. yeah, i got all the money. and it's all there in the briefcase? you scumbag! you low-life motherfucker! oh, dear, they made me say that, too. it's in the case, yeah! the rolex, too? the gold rolex? who said the rolex? they never mentioned the rolex! they want the rolex and your pinkie ring! they tortured me with cigars. i had to tell them everything.

all right, what else? that's it. just wait there.

the bag, please. come on! give me the bag!

freeze! look out!

put the bag down, and put your hands on your head! bender! they're here to help you. i said no police. do you know what this means? stay back! they touch me, and i give the order to kill! leave me alone, or she's a dead woman! you want her blood on your hands? what do you think? let's just follow him home. let him go. what? what are you doing? tell him to let go! i'll give the order! go ahead. give the order. let go! she's dead if he doesn't! all right!

drop it. sheesh. punk.

hello?

hello? this is lieutenant bender. what are you doing? i'm taking my money! you got your man! you may be guilty of obstructing justice, aiding and abetting a known felon, accomplice to kidnapping, and possibly murder. drop the gun, give back the bag. we have 150 officers, 75 cars, and 2 helicopters. he won't get away.

that's better. here! what are you doing here? tell them to leave! if they don't go, she's dead! all right, gentlemen, clear the street, please. you, too, mr. stone. back away. that's better.

you can go now. now don't follow me! understand? we understand.

don't move. who the hell are you? what the hell is going on? i'm robbing you! stop him!

did you shoot at me? no, you moron! there's police all over the place! hundreds of them! do i look that stupid? yes, you do! if you shot at me, where's your gun? well, you're too sharp for me! i don't have one!

that was a brand-new tire. give me your keys. i don't believe this! give the bag to bozo, drop the gun, and put your hands in the air. who said that? this could very well be the stupidest person on the face of the earth.

perhaps we should shoot him. it's the police department. really? no, we're the national rifle association.

christ.

i'm leaving now. they said they wouldn't follow me.

* hey!

* ow!

* stand up

* no, no, no

* ruthless people

* yeah, watch yourself

* hey!

* stand up

* woo!

* ruthless people

* ruthless people

* you can have it

* if you want it

* it might take the rest of your life *

* if you want it

* you could have it

* do a balancing act on a knife *

* ruthless people they're still following me. i should've known. i knew this wouldn't work. you can't trust the police!

oh, god! oh, boy! he's cornered, and he knows it. i hope nobody gets hurt.

oh! i'm not going to jail! i'm not going to jail!

oh, my god!

look out!

watch it! look out behind you! holy god!

well, somebody help! he'll drown! the water's way too cold. there's rip tides out there. i've seen sharks. look there! that's money! aah! get in there! go! come on!

$100 bills! my money! let's get the coast guard and fish him out! i wonder if it's real! you can't do that! that's not your money! that's my money! stop them! aah! get the money!

the bedroom killer. what about the money? they recovered a few thousand. the rest washed away. he said if anything went wrong, they'd kill barbara. things couldn't have gone more wrong than this, could they? that means she's dead.

ah ha ha ha ha! ah ha! ah ha ha ha!

mrs. stone! i'll be damned! mrs. stone? yes? we're glad to see you're ok. i'm sorry to ask you right now, but we need you to identify the body.

yes, that's him. oh, i could never forget that face. what hell he put me through. you're sure he worked alone? oh, positive. he mentioned having a partner. he was schizophrenic. he thought he had partners. where's sam? he's over there, mrs. stone. would you excuse me for a moment? i'd just like to be alone with my husband. thank you. hello, sam.

barbara. uh... you look terrific. you think so? yeah, i mean... you're so thin. really? does it show? yeah, yeah... i mean, you're beautiful. oh, sam. oh, barbara. hope my marriage is like theirs after 15 years. i can't believe we doubted stone's affection for his wife. yeah, we almost blew it. you work the long hours, but it all seems worth it when you get moments like this. yeah, i love a happy ending. no! oh! oh! barbara-a-a-a!


captioning made possible by buena vista television captioning performed by the national captioning institute, inc.

* you see her sittin' with her coffee and her paper *

* with her high top sneakers of italian design *

* with a long, cool stare, she aggravates the tension *

* makes up her face while she makes up her mind *

* now you're in trouble, maybe she's an intellectual *

* what if she figures out you're not very smart? *

* or maybe she's the quiet type *

* who's into heavy metal

* boy, you got to get it settled *

* 'cause she's breakin' your heart *

* don't try to put on an act *

* you can't do that to modern woman *

* and you're an old-fashioned man *

* she understands the things you're doin' *

* she's a modern woman

* hmm

* she looks sleek, she seems so professional *

* she's got a lot of confidence *

* it's easy to see

* you want to make a move, but you feel so inferior *

* 'cause under that exterior is someone who's free *

* she's got style, she's got her own money *

* so she's not another honey

* you can quickly disarm

* she's got the eyes that make you realize *

* she won't be hypnotized by your usual charm *

* you've got your plan of attack *

* that won't attract the modern woman *

* when you're an old-fashioned man *

* she understands the things you're doin' *

* she's a modern woman

* uh-huh

* time goes by, and you're sharin' an apartment *

* she says she loves you, but she doesn't know why *

* in the morning, she leaves you *

* with your coffee and your paper *

* it's a strange situation for an old-fashioned guy *

* but times have changed

* things are not the same, baby *

* you overcame such a bad attitude *

* rock 'n' roll just used to be for kicks *

* and nowadays it's politics

* and after 1986, what else could be new? *

* you got to learn to relax *

* and face the facts of modern woman *

* and you're an old-fashioned man *

* she understands the things you're doin' *

* she's a modern woman

* she's a modern woman

* you got the casual hip *

* that don't mean zip

* to the modern woman

* she's out makin' the bread... *