Salesman (1969) Script

[man] The best seller in the world is the Bible for one reason.

It's the greatest piece of literature of all times.

It's really tremendous, isn't it?

Here are the Shepherds and the Three Kings.

The flight into Egypt.

The childhood of Jesus.

Mary returns there. Mary find Jesus in the temple.

So you can see how this would be an inspiration in the home.

You like that, honey? What's your name? Christine.

Well, she's as bright ‒ She's pretty like her mother. Huh?

Christine, you know what my name is? Guess.

Paul. Paul, you know?

Paul? Yeah. You have a cousin named Paul, don't you, Chris?

[Paul] You can see how complete it is.

The Bible runs as little as $49.95, and we have three plans on it.

Cash, COD, and also they have a little Catholic honor plan.

Which plan would be the best for you, the A, B or C?

I'm really not interested unless I speak it over with my husband. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. You wouldn't want to give him a surprise?

Does he have a birthday coming up? It'd be a lovely gift.

That's true.

We place a tremendous ‒ The Bible is still the best seller in the world, so ‒ I just couldn't afford it now.

We've been swamped with medical bills.

[dog barking] Oh, hi, Mrs. Robb.

I'm Mr. McDevitt from the church. How are you today?

Now, what is this? From the church. Sunday.

No, I guess you've got me mistaken. What name do you want?

Is this 59 West Fifth? No. Across the street.

Oh, my gosh!

[barking continues]

And this is the ceiling. The crowd, they claim ‒ I don't know exactly ‒ but 30,000 or more attend one mass.

Right in St. Peter's. In St. Peter's?

Right. Right in the Vatican.

I didn't know that myself. I didn't either.

Uh, you're Italian, aren't you, Mrs. Imperato? The guards are not Italian.

They're Swiss. Did you know why? Yes, that I know.

I never knew this. They're six feet.

See, they're taller than the Italian folks.

Usually ‒ I mean, see, they're six feet. Now, here's something nice ‒ A lot of people, they like, to be frank, the print.

It's large. It's a 10-point register. Isn't that somethin'?

Good night, darlin'. Thanks for the order.

[dog barking]

How'd you do, Charlie?

I did a trip. Yeah? Good.

What'd you get? [Jimmy] I only got one.

A quad. Twenty-five down.

You rabbit! You think you got me beat, don't you?

I did. I know I did. [laughs] You did.

It's about time.

How'd it go, Paul? Yeah?

You still on One-a-Day Vitamins, huh?

We'll get him off that brand.

Operator, I'll call back later.

Gipper? Yeah.

The Gipper. [Ken] You sellin' them trips, huh?

Yeah. [Paul] Well, I'm due for a quad.

[Jimmy] I'm outclassin' him. [Paul] I'm due for a quaddie.

How'd you do tonight?

I just got two. How was the dips?

Ten and ten. Good.

But we lost a little time gettin', you know, back over there.

[Paul] Did you go to Spencer? Again? No. Webster.

Oh, Webster. Excuse me. Yeah. Well, of course, the time.

Takes an hour to get there. Well ‒ Not much time to work with ‒ If you're not familiar with the terri ‒ No matter how good a man you are, if you're not familiar with the territory, it's difficult, you know?

[Ken] Permit me to offer my own alibi.

[all laughing]

[Ken] Any man that's not good at sellin' should be able ‒ Should be good at makin' excuses. [laughter continues]

[Charlie] Any man that's not good at sellin' should be good at findin' territory. Findin' territory.

[door closes] [Ken] Where you been?

[Ray] Workin'. Just finished up. [Ken] What, you work all night?

And then he shows up at 10:05.

Where's your orders?

Oh. Oh, we got a producer.

Ooh! [Jimmy] One of a kind.

That many? I got three singles.

Yeah? I didn't get an order till 8:00 and ‒


Well, pretty good dips. Twelve. Ten and ten.

Twenty. Yeah. Nice lookin' sales. Very good.

[Ken] Money is being made in the Bible business.

It's a fabulous business. It's a good business.

And all I can say to people who aren't makin' the money ‒ it's their fault.

Just keep that in mind. The money is out there, and go out and get it.

I, for one, am sick and tired of hagglin' with you people and pleadin' with you to get you to do what's good for you and what's good for us.

Instead of ‒ Friday and Saturday, instead of goofin' off or playin' gin rummy or poker, which I think is all very important ‒

[men laughing]

I think somebody that's out in that territory should go out and see if this church is in a good neighborhood.

Or if it's in a skid row neighborhood, meet the priest.

And if you're gonna have a problem, see it in time to let us know... so we can get another church.

You would double your earnings, we would double our volume and we'd all be a lot better off.

Maybe you see some missin' faces here. We eliminated a few men.

Not because we were mad at 'em. Not because we didn't like 'em.

And not because we didn't need the few sales that they made.

But it's a question of the sour apple spoilin' the barrel.

Certain guys have a habit of gettin' a couple of beers and flyin' off the handle and badgerin' people around and throwin' their weight around.

I want to go on record, and I want to tell you all, the next man that gets off base with me, I'm gonna tag him out.

The ball game's over.

You've got a job to do, and you go out and you do it.

I thank you very much. I thank you for coming and for listening.

Don't you worry about it, Buster. I've had it.

I'm sick and tired of bein' sick and tired.

And it's not good for these guys. You know, they get undisciplined.

They get disrespectful. They get full of alibis and excuses.



Thank you.

[humming: "If I Were a Rich Man"]

♪ Wish't I was a rich man ♪



[mutters] Well...

♪ Wish't I were a rich man ♪

[child] What? I'm in the backyard!

[children chattering]

Mr. McDonald, I'm Paul Brennan.

Yeah, well, what the hell is it all about?

Yeah, well, we have a display at the church, Mr. McDonald.

Yeah. And she gave me your name, and that's why I'm here, see.

She gave her your name? She gave me her name.

Yeah. And I'm here because she gave me your name, see.

'Cause we're visiting all the families in there that gave their names, you know, at the church.

See, this is with the approval of the monsignor, you know.

Yeah. See, if you're at the church and you see the display, you say okay and you give me your name.

I come to see you, see? [woman] What are you, sellin' something?

No, I don't know what the hell ‒ Lookit, tell her I was here, will ya?

Yeah, all right. I'll ask her. I don't know.

Yeah, okay. Hope you got the right McDonald, that's all. Yeah, all right, sir.

♪ I wish't I was a rich man ♪

♪ Ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba ♪

We place a lot of nurses, people in the phone company.

You know, ladies like yourself.

And you've had education, and you think that you won't get the value from the set.

I know you will, once it's in the home.

I want to say this, by the way, I hope it brings you lots and lots of luck.

Why, thank you. I just hope I get around to reading it.

[woman] Okay, I'll give you five towards it, all right?

[Charlie] God bless you.

Now, see, she's making your balance there a lot easier for you.

All right? God bless you. Bring you a lot of luck.

Why don't I keep my big mouth shut?

[Jimmy] Your mother's got an Irish personality.

[laughs] [Jimmy] You have.

I'm Irish myself, and Scotch. That's a good combination.

[Charlie] Well, you're more Scotch than you're Irish, Jimmy.

[Jimmy] Well, thank you very much for saying that.

Jimmy, I'll tell you something. I'll be very truthful.

I never ran into a mooch like this in my life before.


The biggest mooch I ever seen in my life!

It's like I told Landry down at the office...

You know, I admire you.

...gimme about 10 mooches a day in this business.

What's a moocher? [Jimmy] What do you mean?

Easy to talk into. A mooch. Book mooch.

Oh, really? No, people that read a lot and appreciate books. Yeah.

Don't tell me you don't. I know you do.

Well, these aren't the books I read. Who was readin' this?

Me. She don't read. I'm the one that reads.

I certainly wasn't reading that.

You'd really love the Bible.

You won't run into people like me all the time.

You're gonna have to work harder.

But you men are doing fine.

I like to see men out, you know, on their own, doing things.

Independent. Right. Get away from companies.

Get away from people over you. [Jimmy] Get away from pensions.

Right. [Jimmy] And do what you believe in life, just like you.

Yeah, I'm doin' swell. [Jimmy] You, you've got a good job.

No, she don't believe in what she doin'. I don't believe in it.

She hates her supervisor. I don't believe in workin'.

[Jimmy] That's a good job. Anyone who works at the phone company.

No, she hates her supervisor.

I like bein' out on your own. I don't like being, you know, under anyone like that.

[Charlie] Being independent, sure.

Mm-hmm. Really. It gets jerky after a while.

Now, supposin' you're kiddin' us, who do we get in touch with? The FBI?

[Charlie] You have your duplicate here. As a matter of fact ‒ That thing don't mean a thing. Let me ask you this.

You mean to say you don't think he's an honest man, Mother, by looking at him?

You're not literal like I am. I'm ‒ [laughing]

She is a livin' saint. And I have a nephew a priest.

And I had a daughter in the convent.

[laughs] And I'm a devil.

[all laughing]


[Jimmy] Now, these people are funny. They make you laugh sometimes.

They're, you know... [indistinct]


[Paul] Oh, dear me, dear me.

If you'll excuse me, gentlemen...

[clears throat] I gotta go.

You goin' back out, Charlie? Yeah.

Now, Charlie, how many more day leads do you have?



I'll try this one. Maybe Mrs. Rafferty is home.

Give it a try anyway.

♪ Wish't I was a rich man ♪

♪ I wouldn't be goin' 'round this shit land ♪ Ohh, shut the window now. Let's see where I go next.

Get another one of these beauties.

Mrs. Rafferty. [radio: classical]

I don't know if Mrs. Rafferty will be home, but I know I'm not home.

[imitating Irish brogue] Be you sellin' anything?

Naw, we're not sellin' anything.

The Irish fightin' with the English.

When it comes right down to it, it makes no difference to me.

'Cause the Englishmen are payin' me bills.

And the Irish are takin' away from me.

Yup! Ah, here's another one here. Looks a little blitzy.

Geez, I got some beaut's today.

Gypo, the "infarmer."

I'm "infarmin"' you that I'm here.

[boy shouts]

We do have the Catholic Encyclopedia.

They spent four and one-half years.

Now, we can't carry it, but this'll give you an idea.

This is fantastic. This is the brand-new renowned Catholic Encyclopedia.

Wait till you see this.

This answers 43,000 answers in the faith.

Now, this is terrific. I'll tell you why.

This has from the Reformation, Karl Marx, all your religions.

Now, you know the Jehovah Witnesses. They're nice people.

But they know more about our religion, 'cause they have good literature to find out.

Uh... say Communism, you want to look it up.

It's in your Catholic Encyclopedia with the comparison to Catholicism ‒ Their thinkin', the ideology involved. Mm-hmm.

It's under "C," sir. But frankly, we can't carry the set, as I mentioned.

It's too heavy. But this is gonna amaze you.

He's got a good personality. Honest to God, I mean that.

He thinks I'm givin' him a sales talk. I'm not.

He has. He's got a good personality.

But this right here is vast in scope, Mr. and Mrs. McDonald.

And they come in red or white. Some people prefer red and ‒ What do you call this? This is ‒ I call it antique gold.

That's what I would think, yeah.

But on that ‒ And, uh, you have your choice of colors.

Now, what color would you folks choose on that?

Hmm. Have you got any green?

[all laughing]

What plan would be more convenient?

[doorbell ringing] And I know you're sincere.

Boy, it's like a railroad station today. [laughs]

But what plan would be more convenient, then? The cash?

Gee, I don't know. Or they have a Catholic honor plan.

Good afternoon. How are you? Hello.

I'm Mr. Baker from the church. I'm from St. Brendan's.

Oh, I seen you outside of church, huh? You're not gonna buy another ‒ Is this ‒ Are you related, Mrs. McDonald?

Yeah, by friendship, that's how. My best pal.

Is this your best buddy? Good. Sure.

Well, I'll tell you, you got a good friend there.

I know I have.

I told them about those Scotchmen.

What's your last name? Wadja.

Mrs. Wadja, I said, did you hear about the Scotchman that loaned the Irishman a half a dollar? He knew it. But there's supposed ‒ I'll ask you. Did you hear about the Scotchman that loaned the ‒ I've heard many of them. I heard about the one that was gonna get ‒ No, the Scotchman and the Jew and the Irishman who were gonna get a beating for something...

But, anyway, what about the half dollar?

Have you ever heard about them? I think I have.

Well see, I can't tell it to you.

But no, you say, "I never have," and I'll say, "You never will."

See? [laughing] I see.

Now, would you want to pay it each month, then?

Five a month? Or do you want to COD it?

[Mrs. McDonald] I can give you a little deposit on it now to make it binding.

Hey, thanks a lot. Oh! [gasps]

[Mr. McDonald] There you are! Now you're a member of the family.

[indistinct] [Wadja] Everybody does it.

That's why we have lumps on our heads.

And this is your receipt. I'll get you a brand-new set.

But I just have to go down to the car, and I'll bring one up.

Hey, I'll just take this out of my car.

[Paul] I got no pitches.

None at all, huh? Not one in.

Anyone home at all? Not one.

You know the one that asked for the Bible?

Yeah. She wasn't home.

The other one wasn't home. The two of them.

Well, I have to deliver this. All right.

It's right up the street. Okay.

[radio: classical]

[TV sportscaster] There is a left hand right to the head.

It's a strong left hook to the midsection.

And now they tie each other up.

How'd the battle go?

Well, not much of a battle.

It's a left hook to the head. It misses.

Did you scratch?



Well, kid, New England no longer for me.

I'll call up Kenny and tell him he can work the rest of my leads.

I hit 'em with everything but the Chinese fence.

Half the time, I couldn't even get in the door.

I couldn't find the houses.

I spent about two hours on the last one.

Boy, I broke my ass on it.


This is the middleweight championship fight, Emile Griffith.

Well, I'd like to be in it myself.

It's not me any longer. It's these people.

I actually got in no pitches... because, you know, soon ‒

"I can't afford anything. We just don't have the money.

I have a sick kid. My wife is out. My husband's out of work."

And this is continual! [TV: bell dings]

I'm not thinkin' negatively, but I tried the gift, relatives in the convent, all the old Mickey stuff.

But these are ‒ This is the most ball-breaking territory I've run in since Gallivan Boulevard...

where they're ducking behind the door, phony names and phony addresses.

[Irish brogue] "Did the father send ye?" Oh, Jesus.

[both laugh]

They didn't even ask that. They didn't care about the father.

Carol, Grady... Boy, the names!

The Italians and, uh, the Irish.

And really dead, you know? No ‒ No enthusiasm.

You feel like eatin' again? I don't know. I feel like, uh ‒ Let's go down to Gigi's. Oh, no.

Huh? No more fuckin' Italian food for me after these Guineas! Oh, my God.

[laughing] Impoverished Sicilians.

The Irish must have come over in a banana boat.

Lush territory? You'd have to be a lush to work it.

They say Alaska's good territory.

[Ray laughs] No, that's a fact.

Remember the time we were going to go to Alaska? Remember?

Paulie, I remember about eight years ago you were telling me that this business is on the fringes. The "fringes."

It's still on the fringes. [laughing] It's worse now. There's no ‒ Well, this business reminds me of a surrey, one of those ‒ you know, the little things in the olden days ‒ You know, the wagons with the thing on top.

Carousel? Yeah.

Well, a surrey with a fringe on the top.

And they got these little tassels.

Now the way I take this business, only ‒ The tassels aren't even left.

[laughing] They're nothin' but shreds.

[laughing] I'm workin' all my new sales on the five-year plan.

Gee whiz. Oh, dear.

[Ray laughs] Oh, dear.

You look like you've had it. So, how'd you do?

Last call I got one. [coughs]

And I would've been a little mad had you got it.

What do you mean?

Because it was the one that you went next door... you know, and they weren't home, and you went to this one by mistake.

And you pitched there with just the wife. Yeah?

But the husband left the name with me, see?

The people next door ‒ Did you sell him?

Yeah, I had a little problem selling him. It was tough.

But, yeah.

I tried to pitch her, but, you know ‒ Yeah, took a long time too.

Was it cash or what? Drew a cash, yeah.

Good. A Bible, right? Yeah.

She said she'd like a Bible, but she wouldn't do nothin' without him.

I was supposed to go back tonight. He was ‒ He was all right.

She's the one turned out to be tough, you know?

This was ‒ She was the one, yeah. She was very bossy.

No, but she was all right. Oh, but yeah, but ‒ It was him. He says ‒ As a matter of fact, I had to sell him a demonstrator. I sold him the one I had.

Yeah? And, uh, he says, "Gee, $40 is an awful lot for a Bible."

So I says, "Well no, when you figure out you're gonna have it for a lifetime, it's not a lot."

So what did he say?

So she ‒ Then she says she'd go half with him, you know.

First he tried to get the daughter to go half with him.

Then he says he'd go half with her and she'd go half with him, and this is what they did.

Well, I'm gonna get some sleep. I'm tired out. It's a long day.

Yeah. [chuckles] I had one phony college guy, you know.

What did he say to you?

He says, "Well, this wouldn't be the appropriate time."

So I said, "Well, how about next year? Do you think..."

He says, "Well, in a couple of years it'll be all right."

What did he say? This wouldn't be what? The appropriate time.

Well, was he gettin' married or something?

No, he just had other goals, I guess.

Should have told him you're not sellin' watches.


You know what ‒ You know, I'll tell you ‒ I'll tell you what I would have not appreciated.

See, with the way ‒ This was the last call I got there, see?

Hey, look at that mosquito.

Big son of a gun. About that big. Just flew by your face.

Yeah, he's skeptical, see? So then I say, "Well, frankly, if you never took the encyclopedia, you have the encyclopedia in the back of the Bible anyway, you know."

So he says, "Yeah, yeah."

He says, "But $50 is a lot of money."

So then ‒ Then I went into the demonstrators for him, you know.

Then he says, "$40 is a lot of money," you know.

You got your green pants on today, huh?

Green necktie. You know you're Irish.

The Irish will all be lovin' to see you.

[imitating Irish brogue] Me father's on the force. He gets a pension.

It's a good job. He's a fine workin' boy, Pat.

Puts in a lot of time, but he gets his reward.

Gets his reward on the other end.

He retired. He lives it. He's livin' a good piece of money then.

He lives for about two weeks after and died.


We're savin' for a trip to, oh, the old fair shore.

Goin' over there.

[laughing] I'll never forget, when I was a kid we lived in a tenement, in a cold-water flat.

You know, no bathroom or anything ‒ Just a bathroom, but no bathtub or anything.

I never laughed so much in my life.

And, uh, I was going to the junior prom, and we had one tuxedo in the family.

It was my brother's tuxedo.

I'll never forget this till my dying day.

See, I had to go to the junior prom, he had to go to some festivity at MIT.

It was like the guy that ‒ The salesman with one suit, keeps it under the bed.

So I got there quicker than he did, had the suit, the tux, and was all set and hit the road, you know.

[laughing] Geez, when he come looking for his tux to go to the festivity, there was blue murder.

I'll never forget that.

Jesus. Jesus, he used to ‒ After that, boy!

He caught up with me one night.

"My tuxedo, huh?"

Well, I still got my hat.

It cost me a lot of money, this hat.

Jordan Marsh.

I don't want to seem negative, but I can't see anything here but delinquent accounts.

I'll tell you one thing, Paul. You're puttin' me in a very negative frame of mind for the sales meeting in Chicago.

You'll be all right for Chicago.

[bell ringing]

[Ken] If a guy's not a success, he's got nobody to blame but himself.

What everybody's got to do is to quit making alibis and excuses and accept the responsibility of success or failure.

Well, I for one will triple my production for the year of '67, believe me.

[Ken] Good.

I'm real happy with everything. I've just got one thing in mind Kenny said a while ago. It's this making half the money that a guy is capable of making.

I think he's right.

I, for one, I intend to make this next year something.

I, uh ‒ My wife just talked me into buying a big house.

And she wants to have a few more kids and all this kind of rot, so I'm gonna make $35,000 this coming year.

That's all. [man 1] I believe that. I hope you do.

[man 2] To me, this is fantastic. I haven't What have I been with you, three months?

[Ken] Three long months. Damn, I wish it was three or four years.

I mean it. I expect to make $50,000.

Not 35. Or better. And I think I can do it.

[conductor] Union Station, Chicago. Union Station.

[indistinct announcements]


Yours was real good, Father. It was great, as usual.

[chattering continues]

Nice seeing you again too.

The next speaker, of course, needs no introduction to no one.

I'd like to introduce the designer and theological consultant on the books that we sell...

Dr. Melbourne I. Feltman, Vice President, Consolidated Book Publishers.

This is a little token of our appreciation.

I'll try to read to you what we've inscribed on it.

"Melbourne I. Feltman, PhD., the world's greatest salesman of the world's best seller.

With gratitude, Mid-American." Thank you.

There are many people who know the Bible.

There are many people who can quote from the Bible.

But you're somewhat different.

You know the business. And what is that business?

Isn't it the business that we hear when... the young boy, Jesus, was lost for a matter of three days or so?

And they said to him, "Why didn't you follow us? Why didn't you come with us?

We were worried. We were scared to death. Where were you?"

And he said, very quietly and very simply, "Whist ye not that I am about my Father's business?"

Now, I don't intend to portray the fact that the Father's business, in itself, is selling Bibles for dollars and cents and for the commercial aspect of it... but I do believe the good that comes from the selling of Bibles and the getting of Bibles and the reading of Bibles is definitely identified with the Father's business.

Some of you, at one time or another, may or may not have had a higher income, but you have never held a higher position of esteem in the minds of the world or in your own self-satisfaction than you now hold, knowing what you're doing about your Father's business.

Hold your heads very high.

Be very proud of your position.

Stop thinking in terms of Bible peddling...

because I am confident that once you realize what you are doing for others... you in your own esteem will rise so high, not with conceit, but in humility... knowing that you have the privilege and the power to be of service to others.

And with all my heart, for the coming year and for many years to come, God grant you an abundant harvest.

Thank you.

Well, I hate to bring up a ridiculous matter like this, but how'd you fellows like the sales meeting?

Charlie? How'd you like the sales meeting?

Sure. Yeah. Okay. Very good. Thoroughly enjoyed it.

There's five, six, seven, eight, nine.

[coin drops]

[Charlie] Seventy-five. [Ken] Call.

[Jimmy] Call. [Paul] I'll raise.

Cost you a dollar to raise, Paul.

Cost me another half, huh?

I'll call. Call.

Call. No wild cards?

No, this is a wild card. Oh, well, you can't ‒ Playin' too simple a game.

[Charlie] Yeah. [Jimmy] It's up to you, Paul.

Well, naturally, I'm not gonna bet anything.

I'm gonna check 'em. Beat the queens. [Ken] What do you mean, you check?

I beat the queens. [Ken] You scared to bet?

I can bet. I know I got you beat. I'll bet you half.

[Ken laughs] I'll take your money. Your deal.

Shakin' in his boots over there 'cause he saw an ace.

Yeah, that's what he did.

[Ken] I'm gonna interrupt your game for a minute.

I'd like to, uh, find out everybody's plans and thinking as far as our trip to Florida ‒ Uh, when we can leave and where you want to leave from.

I don't care. [Ken] It's immaterial to me.

[Charlie] Doesn't make any difference to me.

[Ken] All right, fine. [Charlie] Whichever way you ‒ It doesn't matter. That's minor. The main thing is goin' down there.

Yeah. All right, fine.

I tell you, quite frankly, I look forward to the trip.

[Jimmy] I know you do. I don't want my wife to hear it, but I would enjoy basking in the sun.

He always does look forward to the trip.

[Ken] If-If the trip is successful, then you want to stay, say, maybe 10 weeks?

You might want to go home in the meantime, but 10 weeks?

Go ahead, Ken. Tomorrow we're goin' to Florida.

Tonight we're gonna play poker.

[Charlie] Right. [Ray] Deal!

Deal me in.

[Paul] ♪ Too-ra-loo-ra-loo-ral ♪

♪ Too-ra-loo-ra-li ♪

"Welcome to the city of Miami Beach."

♪ Too-ra-loo-ra-loo-ral ♪

♪ Sure's an Irish lullaby ♪


Humphrey Bogie.

Where the hell is that Fontainebleau? Hmm.


The Fontainebleau. There you are.

If I'm gonna invest my money in that, I want to see what it looks like.



That's it, huh? Hmm.

[line ringing] [woman on phone] Hello?

Hi, honey. How are you? - Fine. How are you?

Okay. - That's good. Where are you tonight?

I'm at, uh ‒ outside of Miami. It's the Congress Inn.

- Oh. It's really beautiful.

There's a swimming pool right out the door.

Oh, my! Jeepers, you're livin' like a king.

Yeah, I'm livin' like a king. Yeah. [laughing]

But, uh... Yeah, it's really pretty nice here.

Wonderful. Wonderful. - That's good.

Yeah. Mm-hmm. - Well, that's nice.

What's new up there? - Nothin'. How are the boys?

Oh, they're Rabbit and Charlie. - And Charlie.

And Ray, yeah. Of course, they all pep me up, but, uh ‒

- Don't drive too fast! Oh, I'm not driving fast.

I don't ‒ I mean, just ‒ I generally drive around 45 to 50. - Don't drive 70.

- Are you taking care of your tires? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

- Well, that's good, yeah. Yeah, I'll take care of that.

So anything new at all? - No. Gosh, no. Nothin'.

This is costing you a lot of money.

Well, lookit, honey, take care of yourself.

And you take care too.

All right. - And don't drive too fast.

Okay, I'll keep it below 50. - Yeah.

Okay, honey? - Okay.

All right, then. Bye now. - Bye.

How is she? She's feeling pretty good.

You gotta keep below 50 for now. Don't tell her how fast you're going.

No, well, I mean ‒ You'll scare her.

Yeah, she doesn't want to ‒ I mean, she figures you're going 70 miles an hour.

Well, you know, I wasn't ‒ Very seldom I go that fast.

But, uh... actually, I mean, it's a question of...

How was it, cold back there?

Oh, colder than the deuce ‒ snow, everything else.


Get up. Ray wants to call.

Operator, did you try my call to Boston yet?

[operator] All right. I'm sorry. I couldn't complete your call.

[Ray] I'll call again. Thank you.

Come on, let's go swimmin'. Let's go swimmin'.

[Paul] I'll bet you $10 you don't go in the pool.

[Jimmy] I'll go in. I don't want to take all your money.

[Jimmy] Do you want to go in? Yeah, I'll go in.

[Paul] You're goin' in the water? What, are you out of your mind?

Why not? What do you think you're down here, all business?

[yelps, whoops]

Come on in, Charlie.


Ooh! [whooping]

Boy, that water is cold.

[tapping on door] Oh, no, not again. This guy.

Hi, good morning. Mr. Baker?

Yes, sir? Catholic Press.

Hope I didn't catch you too busy.

Oh, pardon me. Wait a second. Thank you very much.

We're calling on all the families from St. Rose.

Just have a seat and be right at home. I'll try not to interrupt too much.

Excuse me. Okay.

What's your last name again? My name is Turner.

What was this? Oh, from the church. Yes, I'm from the church.

Just have a seat, Mr. Baker. My wife was tellin' me about that.

I'd like to mention, first of all, of course, we're working on the full authority of the church.

I'd like to mention this has the recommendation of His Holiness, Pope Paul.

You may be familiar with this.

And it's published by the Catholic Press.

Of course, in buying anything Catholic, you want to look for the imprimatur.

It's your assurance that, of course, it's approved.

Then in addition to the regular Bible, blended right in with the sacred text, you have all the paintings by the old masters.

See, here's The Immaculate Conception, then here's the story.

Now, this has your infancy, childhood and early life... the annunciation, the wedding.

Did you ever see so many beautiful paintings?

That is a nice drawing.

How would you like to have something like this?

Well, personally ‒ It's a nice set, I'll be frank. Thank you.

But, Mr. Turner, believe me, I'm not trying to ‒ The wife ‒ Now, this may sound odd to you, but she's thinkin' of changin', see?

If you notice, I left my name.

I'm Catholic, and I believe in raising the children Catholic.

It may kind of push her, see? In other words, she's a different religion and ‒ May I ask you this, Mr. Baker ‒ And please understand that I'm just a Bible salesman.

I'm not a theologian or a missionary.

It would please you if she were to come into the faith and join the church?

Am I correct? Well, I mean, I'd be happy ‒ It'd be wonderful. On her own, you understand?

See, I don't want ‒ And besides, you're the man of the house, so this is for your own use.

But, see, the point I'm tryin' to bring up to you was, do you think I'd be tryin' to force her because it's my religion, see?

Well, why would buyin' this have anything to do with her decision?

She's not a Catholic yet. She may convert. See, that's the thing.

Well, actually, that's her decision and not mine.

I see your point.

Let me ask you this. Do you like it? I think it's excellent.

Do you think that it's worth the money? It's worth, uh ‒ I mean, for the price, what you receive, it's tremendous.

Could you manage two and a half a week for it?

I certainly could, to be honest with you.

Well, actually, then, there's no reason why you shouldn't have it.

Is there? There's none, for me.

Okay, fine. One.

You want to pay this ten a month, then? Uh...

For a couple dollars a week, there's no reason why you shouldn't.

I don't like to say anything, by the way, but I'm his brother-in-law.

I think you better ask Alice, honest to God.

[Jimmy] I'm ‒ But I'm the ‒ Remember the time you bought the magazine?

[Ken] You're his who? I'm his brother-in-law.

He's my brother-in-law. I was thinking of this, but I'd have to ask my wife.

You're his brother-in-law? He's my brother-in-law.

Not his father or his guardian? Oh, no, brother-in-law.

You're just his brother-in-law? Yeah. Yeah.

Do you work for him?

Him, him and I are the best buddies in the world.

Well, do you live here or anything? Where do you live?

Oh, yeah, I live right here too.

If she did resent this, it kind of ‒ it'd hurt me, 'cause I think she'd like it.

But the only thing, I don't think I'd be pushing her because I think what it would be for the ‒ for the children.

And he brought up a very good point.

It's not anything, not selfish. I think I will try it.

Yeah, I was just thinking of that statue.

That didn't cost anything like this, and she was kind of peeved at that. I think there's a little more value ‒ Now, just a minute... brother-in-law.

Are you trying to help me?

If you are, I could do without so much help.

I don't care if he buys it. Oh, wonderful. I thought you did.

I'm glad you clarified that. Very good.

I just happen to know his wife. Good. I'm glad that you don't object.

Thank you very much. We'll get on with this.

Do you want it? I do.

Well then, quit making excuses and sign right here.

Okay, I'll go along with it, because I'm tryin' to figure ‒ Quit figurin' and start writing, Mr. Baker. [laughs]


Is this it? Yeah, that's it.

This is the good one. That's the brand-new one.

After all, you've got to have everything brand-new.

You don't want a blot on your escutcheon. Let's go to work.

I want to get going, you know. I'm takin' off like a bird.

Okay. Okay, sir?

♪ I'm bip-bip-bippin' ♪

♪ Da-da-da-da-dee-do ♪ Eeh! Ah-ho!

[maid humming]

[Paul] All cleared off, ready to go.

My hat.

[maid] ♪ Tell me where you got that Irish brogue ♪

♪ And before you left Killarney ♪

♪ Did your mother kiss the blarney ♪

♪ And that little touch of brogue you can't deny ♪

[laughs] You know what Paulie's father told him?

When he was young, he says, "Mr. Brennan."

Now, he came right from Ireland. Oh, yes?

[imitating Irish brogue] "If you're smart now," he says, "you'll join the force and get a pension."

Oh, and did he? [laughing]

[imitating Irish brogue] He's a strong breath of a man.

God ‒ God bless him. He's over there.

He's livin' right in that cemetery.

He got a big headstone.

Oh, even the father said he'd never seen anything like that headstone.

[Charlie laughing] Beautiful headstone.

I can see him now in his uniform with the shiny buttons.

[continues laughing]



[man on radio] 9:43, WUAF's 24-hour music time, as we strike gold!

[changes station]

[radio: "This Land Is Your Land"]

"Opa-locka City Hall."

"Sharazad Boulevard."

Pardon me, can you tell me where 118th Street is?

[man] You just ‒ Instead of joggin' to the left, jog to the right.

Yeah. Jog to the right down there?

Yeah. Okay, sir. Thank you.


[muttering] Another jog again.

Jog to the right. Jog to ‒ Jog to the left.

[muttering continues]

[laughs] Jog to the right.

"Opa-locka Boulevard."

Dang it all.

Damn it all.

Do you know where 118th Street is?

[man] I think you gotta go all the way up this way, up into Opa-locka.

Yeah, Opa-locka. This is Opa-locka, isn't it?

Well, it is and it isn't. Yeah, I see. Thank you, sir.

The numbers are all over here, as far as streets go.

Okay, sir.

Yeah... he sure knows.

"Sinbad Avenue." Sinbad the sailor.

What's this? Sinbad Avenue.

Ah, here it is.

"Opa-locka City Hall."

Damn it all!



♪ One-eighteen, eighteen ♪


118 Street. How does that go into a terrace?

118 Terrace. That isn't what I want.

Where the hell is 118th Street? Jesus Christ!

Boy, this should be located so that you could go to street after street.

So I'm looking for 20th Street.

No 20th. 21st, 23rd, 22nd.

"Jog off down here," he says.

Jog off! Jesus. Jog off.

There's two different streets on one street.

And then I was in a Muslim district. A what?

A Muslim district!

What do you mean by that? A Muslim district?

Well, they're not ‒ How can you have...

Did you meet Cassius Clay? No, no. I was in a Muslim district.

Kandahar Street and Sinbad.

And what kind of stuff is this? Ali Baba and the Forty Thieves?

[laughing] I mean, what kind of stuff ‒

"Open sesame."

All I could think of was fairy tales, you know?

What kind of stuff is this? Aesop's fairy tales.

It's not the bum territory. It's the bum in the territory.

If I told anybody like that, I mean, they'd say you were drinking again.


This Kan ‒ Kandahar Road, Sinbad Road.

This thing is stupid, 'cause every time you go on the street there's a canal. Canal or railroad.

Or a railroad. Or an old bridge. Or an airport.

Or an airport. Or a graveyard or a golf course.

Or a graveyard. Opa-locka, Opa-locka.

[laughing continues]

Christ, the guy that laid this city out must have been a stiff artist.

[all laughing]



[woman on TV] Okay, now, when Nick wants to go courting with Bessie, his cow.

[laughter on TV]

It's a pleasure to meet a nice guy like Pete who thinks that my cooking is the best you can eat.

[man] Merry Christmas!

[chattering on TV]

[child on TV] ♪ Silent night, ho ‒ ♪

[Paul laughing]

[Ken] Take that cream away from the Rabbit and pass it down here.

[waitress] I have one here for you. Oh, do you? That's all right.

Can I rob it from you? [waitress] You sure can.

[Ken chuckles]


I got on my buddy Bull yesterday. I want to kiss and make up with him.

He pouted at me for about two or three minutes.

You do that, then I'll really get mad.

[laughing] [Charlie] He's a pouter, all right.

[Paul] What'd you say?

Well, I don't want to give nobody a hard time, but I just want everybody to realize the potential is here, and we got a job to do, and I don't want no more excuses.

You know, geez, we come down here to work.

And if you kid yourself and say, "Well, it ain't there. It can't be done."

Or if you sell it short, that's the main thing.

Then ‒ Then you're in trouble.

But today... we want to hit 'em early.

Wrap this up as soon as possible.

Get out there and hit 'em.

Okay, Bull. Boy, you eat like you're successful.

"Many are called, but few are chosen."

The Gipper... the Rabbit... the Bull... and myself.

They all bear the names of different types of animals.

The Rabbit is a very impulsive guy.

He sells, he has a lot of energy and he's young.

He doesn't have the ‒ possibly the class of the...

that the other salesmen have.

Maybe it's because he doesn't have the maturity.

It's brand-new. It's revised. It teaches the children.

Yes. Yes. It's in color.

They spent a long time to revise it. See, it's not complex.

I don't understand very well English. You don't ‒ You know, I know the basic things, the principles.

I understand you, but I miss many things.

Right. That's why I speak, if you'll notice...

Yes. Yes. ...very, very slow.

Could you see where this would help the family?

I mean, honestly, could you see where this would help the children and Frank and yourself?

Could you ‒ I mean ‒ See, what I'm tryin' to explain, Mrs. Pages, could you see where this would be of value in the home, a gain to you?

Could you see where this would help?

Could you see where a Bible as nice as this ‒ Yes. No. I understand your point, but, uh, really I don't think we can now ‒ Maybe later. I interested later. Right. Right.

But right now, no. No, I understand your point.

Sure, no. Now, you're Spanish, right?

Yes. We do take orders ‒ Wait till you hear this. You're gonna be very enthused.

Wait till you hear this. But ‒ We do take orders, and you're gonna be enthused.

We take orders. What?

Orders. What's that?

We take orders on the new missal. Orders?

You know, for mass. Yes.

We have one, finally, with all the changes.

Do you understand my point, Mrs. Pages? No.

You go to mass, right? Yes.

Sunday? Yes.

What do you bring to mass?

A missal. Right? Yes.

You know, to follow the priest. Yes.

We take orders on 'em, the new one.

They're released, finally.

Uh-huh. Yes.

See, in other words, on the missal you bring to mass.

Yes. They're released, and we take orders on them.

You know, for mass, the missal? Yes. I have one.

Yeah, we have the new one with all the changes. Yes.

All the ecumenical changes in the mass? Yes. Yes.

We do have them available, finally. Yes.

After about two years. So would you like one?


The Bull, you can draw him. He's a big, powerful man... and he's got a lot of stamina.

Probably hasn't got the ‒ the technique that Charlie has...

[horn honks]

...but he certainly makes up for that with the stamina.

I would love to, but I really don't have the time now, and I couldn't possibly take on anything at the moment.

I'm lucky I'm eating right now. [laughs]

You know what it is? We showed the whole library.

A lot of people are interested in only the Bible.

But if it was a dollar a month, I couldn't even take it on. I'm awfully sorry.

I want to thank you for your time. Okay. Thank you, anyway.

Bye. Bye-bye.

And this is the Catholic one?

[Ray] Yes, that's the revised Douay-Rheims.

How much is something like this?

Well, we have different bindings, if I could explain.

What would the least expensive be?

Well, do you have a minute? I could show you through the whole library.

Do I have to have a whole library? Not necessary.

If you want the library, fine. If you want just the Bible, it's wonderful.

Yeah. Do you want to come in? Please, yeah.

It comes back to the old adage, it's 99% perspiration and 1% inspiration.

You gotta get out there, and you gotta push, push, push, push, push.

And once you've lost that push, you've had it.

The Gipper is, uh... unemotional.

Straight man. He does ‒ His selling is extremely effective.

Extremely effective because... he knows how to take advantage of everything in any circumstances.

In your honest opinion, have you ever, ever seen a more beautiful ‒ No, I haven't. Now, isn't that really somethin'?

[woman] It's so complete.

Now, incidentally, this comes in the white or red.

We find most of the folks choose it in white.

[woman] Uh, what are you gonna do? You gonna write this up?

[Charlie] Yes, uh-huh. Now, do you want that in white?

You want this... white? It's up to you, darling.

No, it's not up to me.

It'll be next month before we can even do anything.

[woman] At least. At least. That's all right.

[woman] Can you make it for two months before it would come?

[Charlie] Sure. It's up to yourself.

See, they mail it out at your convenience.

In other words, we can't be in everyone's home when it would be more convenient.

How much would we have to start with?

Just the one payment, or wouldn't you want another payment?

[Charlie] Basic. Basic idea. That's right.

That's the nice part of it.

Because they have no collectors. Nobody comes to your home.

Anytime you want to liquidate it sooner, you can.

They leave it up to you.

Now, you don't want anything from us today?

Yeah, just the C. See, in other words, they have the A, B or C plan.

That's what I was asking you, if you wanted this today.

Yes. See, this is suggested ‒ I can't give you that today.

Oh, well, that's all right. No problem. It's impossible.

What part of that can you apply on it?

I can't give you any cash today. How about a check?

No. We don't have a checking account.

The only cash we have in the house has to get us through till Friday.

That's what I kept asking you that. Oh, I see what you mean.

I'll tell you why I say that.

See, a lot of times we'll come into a home, you know, and a customer will say, "I have the insurance money, the milkman's money. I can always see them."

No, everybody's paid already.

Can I just make one more suggestion?

I've had this happen an awful lot of times.

Yeah. Oh, you have ‒ She knows what I'm going to say, don't you?

What am I gonna say?

Probably gonna say, "Borrow it from somebody."

If you know ‒ I mean...

No. No. ...not unless you know them.

But if you've been here long enough, usually ‒

[man] The neighbors are in worse shape than we are. What are you talkin' about?

[Charlie] Maybe you can lend 'em a couple of bucks.

They're ready to repossess their house next door.

Oh, God. Yeah?

Do you mind if I say something, Charlie? Go right ahead, Jim.

So what they usually do ‒ See, this is what they suggest in the home office.

But we actually meet the people. We know the ‒ You know, they're nice, sincere people.

But what I want to ask you, what part of the C could you put?

Who's the bookkeeper?

[Charlie] Could you put down six? Yes.

At the end of the week when he gets his paycheck.

You know what I'll do? I'll send one of the men from the Catholic Press.

You'll like this fellow, Mr. Brennan. Paul R. Brennan.

Brennan? Yes.

You may have read about him in the Catholic News.

I'll send Paul by to pick up the down payment.

As a matter of fact, you know what I've seen him do?

In one day, five different times, he's laid out $10 for five different people.

Fifty dollars. And, well, the reason for this ‒ Not that he's fanatical, but he's very devout.

He's a very devout Catholic, and he feels that every Catholic family should have this.

[laughing] Gee, I get a kick out of him.

He's a character, that Char.

Char is a wonderful guy.

He keeps the ball goin', rollin'.

What's this, 121st I want?

Yeah, 1010.

I think, uh, we got it.

Do you feel like something like this in the home would be helpful, Mrs. Gorman?

You know, I mean you're a ‒ you seem like a pretty mature woman.

Do you feel something like this would be actually, you know, a moral family get-together?

Well, I'm all by myself, so... [chuckles]

I placed this Bible with a woman that had close to 15 Bibles.

You know what she said? She received a lot of solace just lookin' at the pictures.

And she was a woman that had a PhD.

I had a cum laude myself. "Come no more" from one of the colleges.

My brother was a little different, magna cum laude. But mine was "come no more."

When he was going to school, he was classified as a genius, and so I followed him in school.

And when they came to me, everybody used to say, "Where did you come from, Paul?" [chuckles]

So, you know, I got kind of an inferiority complex.

And course when I got married, that made it worse. [laughs]

But anyway, would you be kind enough to write out your address?

Well, I don't know how many years I have to read the Bible ‒ Well, let me say this. I told ‒ This one woman said, she said, "Believe you me, Paul," she said ‒ Well, I mean, most of the time they call me Paul.

It's Mr. Brennan, but to me I don't think a title "mister" means anything, but ‒ What is your first name, Mrs. Gorman? Chrissea. C-h-r ‒ What is it, dear? Chrissea.

Chrissea. That's a very unusual name. C-H-R-I-S-S-E-A.

And that's $5 a month. Uh-huh.

Could you make that $7.95 and make it even?

All right, dear. Now, I'm puttin' the $5 ‒ That's the ‒ I'm gonna cut this down to three on the service charge.

You've been very lovely. And I know what it is, and I enjoyed ‒ Whether you took the Bible or you didn't take it, it's very enjoyable talking to you. Thank you.

And this is not the Irish blarney, believe me.

This comes right from the heart. I had an Irishman for a husband.

You did, dear? [laughs]

[Paul] My mother was of protestant denomination.

I don't know actually what denomination you are, sir, but she belonged to the High Church of England.

Yeah. And she was the roughest that you ‒ I mean, I said, "Gee, Ma, you're supposed to be English."

I said, "You know, generally they're a little more complacent, a little placid."

But I said, "You've got Spanish blood in you or something."

Boy, she had a fiery temper.

But, um ‒ Well, I'll tell you one thing is this. She ‒ I'll never forget. Of course, my father never hit me in his life.

He never struck me in his life, and my mother really massacred ‒ I guess I really needed it, and ‒

[woman] I always felt I never got enough beatin'.

Huh? Well, I imagine your mother was pretty strict too.

No. Well, she was real ‒ How about your fa ‒ My father?

He hit you, huh? Well, he ‒ Not his girls.

He might've hit the boys, but the girls, he just shook them a little bit.

Just shook 'em. But the boys, he really beat up?

[man] Grandma wouldn't let him. [laughs] Yeah. Yeah.

Would you mind writing your name and your address right here?

Well, you got me, because I don't have my glasses.

That's all right, sir. Try these. Try these, sir.

See how those are. I know. I know.

You just use reading glasses, I bet.

You have a lovely home here.

Well, it's simple. It's good enough for us.

Do you know Father Riley and Father Sullivan over there?

Father Sullivan, uh-huh.

Well, he comes from my neck of the woods, you know?

Oh, really? Sure. He comes from Jamaica Plains.

The little city I'm in, they say they bought it for a pot of beans and a jackknife.

Taunton. Oh, you come from Taunton?

Mm-hmm. Well, by golly, let me shake you again.

They have the Raynham racetrack down there and all that.

Yeah, the silver shops. I don't know what the zip code is.

You'll have to have the zip code. You have it on your ‒


3-3... 0-5-4?

Uh-huh, 0-5-4.

You can tell who does all the writin' around here.

[chuckles] Okay, then. Very little.

Now he's got my signature on it. I guess I'll have to buy it.

All right, sir. You look like a cash buyer. And God bless you.

He's gonna wear that hand out. He should have been a protestant preacher.


You know what you have? You have a sense of humor, which most people lack.

In my job ‒ They call you a G-man, huh?

Yeah. In my job I have to have a sense of humor. If you don't, you'd go nuts.

Yeah. How long you work with the sanitation department?

Twelve and a half years. Twelve and a half years.

And as I said before, the important part is, have it blessed because if it's not blessed, you will not get the benefit out of it, you know.

Yeah, I just came over... Oh. pick up the down payment.


Um... I don't want it.

Because he's already mailed the order in. Oh, he did?

Yeah, you see? Gee, I'd appreciate it. I mean, I don't want to seem ‒ But he already mailed the ‒ See, I'm the district manager.

And so I've already put his order in on it, see?

And I'd appreciate it ‒ You know, it's something that you'll really love.

Yeah, I know we would. And six months from now, let me face it, Mrs. Woodhall, you won't be a cent richer or poorer, and you've got a lovely set

'cause it comes with the full endorsement of the church.

You know, it's really ‒ I promised my husband I wouldn't.

I told him.

I charged Mr. McDevitt with the order because I have to do it.

In other words, the cost of the mailing and the handling and everything, plus the bookkeeping.

I have to give him a penalty.

I don't like to do it, but that's the way the company is.

How much is the penalty? Huh? Well, I charge him $7.25.

And I have no control over that. That's the company ‒ All right, you call me tonight, and I'll ‒ I won't be here, dear.

See, I've got to move out into another ‒ See, I made a special call over here today.

Well, is there anyplace I can call you around 5:00 after he comes home?

No, ma'am. I'm gonna be in Jacksonville.

You'll love the books when they're delivered. [laughs]

All right. Thank you, dear.

These tires. I told you, they're no fucking good.

No, what I would do is this, before I even jack that up ‒ Put the brake on.

[Charlie] But that jack is at an awful angle.

Oh, well, I'm pretty proficient in all departments.

Oh, boy!

[both laughing]

I tell you one thing. Here I do find that the people are very, you know, not bad.

No, no. They're very receptive. I got a fantastic reception.

You know what I mean. I mean, I did.

I had one guy wouldn't even come to the door.

But you can expect one of them wherever you work.

They treat you with a lot of courtesy and a lot of respect.

It's a lot better than that Gallivan Boulevard in Boston.

You're not gonna knock Boston, are you? That's your home.

Well, I like Boston still.

[laughing] I'm homesick too, believe you me.

I'll tell you truthfully, I'm very homesick.


Naturally! I've been away quite a while, Kenny.

I mean ‒ Four days?

Four days? I'm out a lot ‒ Let me see, is it four days?

It's a lot ‒ Let's see. When did we leave?


Seems like four weeks. [laughing continues]

[Ken] But I made enough calls to know this territory's good.

Hi, Jim. How'd you do? Hi, Charles.

[Ken] I want to know how the Rabbit done.

Ah, not too bad. I got a couple.

Yeah? Ray did good himself. He got a couple.

Double and a single. [Paul] I called on one woman.

She was a Mickey, you know. [Ken] Oh.

And so I give her the old romance, anyway, and I came up ‒ Oh, I worked it up. I had to work ‒ I tried to develop a COD on it, you know?

She didn't go for it, so ‒ And then getting that $50.80 outta her, you know.

[Ken] That's a nice sale, though. Yeah. Well, it was ‒ Well, I wish I had ten of them a day, believe you me.

I tell you this way. I'd be ‒

[Ken] Would you believe ten a week? I'd be happy.

I had a flat tire to begin with. You know, I'm not giving you excuses, but ‒

[Ken] I'm glad you clarified it. It sounds like it. [laughing]

How about tomorrow?

Well, I'd like to get a very early start and see if I can bang out a good day, you know?

Really push it out. Get about four quads, and I'll be all set.

[Ken] All right. We'll see.

[knocks on door]

Good morning. Mr. Brennan from the church.

Mrs. Gloria Fuller? How are you today?

You're either interested or not interested. You know what I mean?

I'm very sorry, but my sister just called, and she's waiting for me right now.

I'm very sorry. Okay. Thank you. Okay. All righty.

[Paul] Could you see where this would be helpful to you, missus?

[woman] Well, it's beautiful. I mean, who can afford it?

Oh, dear, dear, dear, dear. You're gonna be amazed when I tell ya.

No, you see, like anything else, uh, to afford something like this, as I say, it's not like buying a new car, you know?

I get it. I place this in homes where there's been 18 and 19 ‒ You know where Gloucester is? Mass? The fisherman at sea?

I placed it with one woman with 18 children.

And believe you me, as they say, it wasn't easy.

But in this life, if you have a desire for anything, you'll get it.

Isn't that true? Well, sometimes.

"Where there's a will, there's a way." That's what Charlie Gipper says, you know.

You probably heard of him. Notre Dame? The Gipper? Hmm.

Mm-hmm. Well, sometimes you can't.

Well, let me put it this way.

There are a lot of folks in this world that spend thousands of dollars on material things.

But what I mean is this. Do you love it? Eh?

Do you love it? I have one, not as good as this.

That's all right, but do you think you'd appreciate that, Mrs. Groza?

I appreciate it, but I don't see use to buy now. How about you, sir?

You're the breadwinner, right? [man] Yeah, but I never read the Bible.

Yeah, well, then ‒ I mean, as I said before, I could ask you one thing is this.

Do you think the dollar a day would really hurt you?

I wouldn't wanna place it if you couldn't afford it.

[Mrs. Groza] It sure would!

[man] I can't buy that now. You can't afford that dollar.

[Mrs. Groza] We just can't right now. Can't afford that dollar a week.

We need some work in the house. And then we're up to here.

Yeah. Well, we're all up to here. I'm over here.

Well, I don't get any deeper.

You can wait on it, yeah. I don't believe in getting something...

Well, the only thing I can say ‒ I'm sorry you make the trip and everything.

No, no, dear. I didn't know what it's all about.

That's all right. You wanted my name and I gave it to you.

[man] It's like my business. Yeah. Huh?

Like my business. I sell vacuum cleaners. Oh, you do?

You sell vacuum cleaners? You scoop 'em up, huh?

Yeah. Yeah. Well, that's all right.

We scoop 'em up too.

Well, you're a salesman. You know.

You know, I had a vacuum salesman come to my wife, you know.

But he threw all the dirt over the floor, and then he walked out and he didn't scoop it up, you know?

Maybe he needed a new bag.

I don't know, but, uh ‒ Oh, I guess that's the thing in everything.

If you don't scoop it up, you don't win, huh?

And that's ‒ Yeah. He needed a new bag, probably.

Yeah. And with that, I will say fond adieu.

Because I have a lot more calls to make.

[knocking on door]

Hi, Mrs. O'Connor.

Mr. Brennan from the church. Yes?

How are you today? This is on a display we had at the church.

It will only take a minute.

Could I ask you this question? And I know what you're gonna say.

What part of the set do you like the best?

Which part of this complete library do you like the best?

Which do I like the best? Yeah.

Uh ‒ Which would you consider ‒ Which would you say is the basic part of the library?

Or what's something which would appeal to you or which you would derive the most out of?

I personally think the Bible. That's right.

That's what most people say.

Mmm. I have one that I wouldn't part with for years for nothin'.

Yeah. I have one myself that... I've had it for years and years.

That, uh... belonged to my mother-in-law, and I don't know where she got it from.

I have the old family Bible. I bet it's over 200 years old.

Well, I'd say close to a hundred, anyway.

Oh, no. By no means, ever part with a Bible. I had one myself.

In fact, uh... my husband said his mother read to him every single day out of that Bible.

[Paul] Well, as I say ‒ That's something...

[Paul] sentimental value attached to it.

Well, I could see where you would choose the Bible, and I'll tell you the reason why.

That's why the Bible is the best seller in the world.

Hmm, well, actually, I can't see buying another Bible when I already have one.

Even though it's 200 years old?

Well, you're probably tight now. Is that correct?

Oh, that's for sure. [sighs] Yeah.

Well, as they say, it's the only thing that I know that you secure in a lifetime that doesn't depreciate.

A car, after three years, is worth nothing.

A Bible like that will build you something that will really build up a heritage in the home.

It is a beautiful book. Isn't it beautiful? I know you love it.

Honest to goodness, Mrs. O'Connor, I've been in the Bible business now ‒ The reason I'm in it, I know I'm placing something in the home that people will never be dissatisfied.

The longer they have it, the more they will enjoy it.

It's like a good wine, with age it improves.

And don't worry, they don't repossess the Bible, if one month you don't mail in the payment.

You mail in the payment the following month, that's all.

[girl talking indistinctly in background]

All right, Maureen. You've been on that phone long enough.

And if you didn't like it, Mrs. O'Connor, I wouldn't spend the time.

But most of the people that I do place it with are with the Irish people because they are very devout Catholics, you know that.

Oh, but I'm not Irish. [laughing] It doesn't make any difference.

Are you not Irish descent? No.

What descent are you, dear? Polish.

Polish? Well, the Polish are good people. Oh, yes.

I know a lot of good Polish people. They're very devout too.

It doesn't make any difference.

But the Irish I happen to place an awful lot with, because I'm of Irish heritage myself.

But as I said before, don't think ‒ In Worcester, I had all the Polish section there.

Believe you me, we placed more Bibles than you could shake a stick at.

Everything in this life is a sacrifice.

Oh, that's for sure. That right?

How about six months from now?

Who knows what six months is gonna bring?

Well, nobody knows what the next day is gonna come. You know this ‒ That's why I don't want to take the chance of committing myself.

It wouldn't be too much of a chance. It involves $49.95 for the Bible.

And that's not much, you know what I mean?

A carton of cigarettes a week costs you $3.

Does Dad have a birthday coming up?

[clock chiming]

Well, I'm sorry. Not at this particular time.

Do you want to reserve it for any later date?

No, 'cause I don't know what's gonna ‒ Well, nobody knows. The only thing we're sure of is death and taxes.


No, I don't think I'd better commit myself.

I honestly can't see my way clear to it right now.

How about in three, six, nine or 12 months?

You still couldn't see your way clear?

[girl continues talking indistinctly]

Well, I don't think I'd better take it at this time.


Well, I don't think there's any more I can add to it, Mrs. O'Connor.

[clears throat]

I imagine you make a lot of decisions in this life.

I know my wife ‒ Oh, yes. You have to.

You have to. That's for sure.

That's for sure. But, like anything else, I think this would be a wise decision.

But that's your op ‒ You know.

If circumstances were different, I'd say yes.

I wouldn't hesitate because it is a beautiful piece of art. Mmm.

I mean, actually, is it the dollar a week that's holding you up, Mrs. O'Connor?

I mean, I don't understand. Really, honest to God.

I've been selling Bibles for ten years. I don't understand a dollar a week.

No, it doesn't sound like much, but there's other things that I gotta take care of first before I can start putting out another four, five dollars a week.

A month. A month, rather.

No, there's too others ‒ Too many other ones that I've got to pay up first.

Okay then.

I'll bid you a fond adieu, Mrs. O'Connor. Thanks again.

All right. Thank you for your time.

That's all right. That's my job.

Hi, Mrs. Curran. Mr. Brennan from the church. How are you today?

Yes, I'm fine. This is my associate.

I'm not interested, really. I don't have the time, and I don't have any money.

So there's really no point ‒ Yeah, I was just wondering why you left your name ‒ Thank you.

Hasn't got the time and no money. Why did she give me her name?

After four years of trying to find her.

See how they cool off Wednesday?

Know what I mean? Yeah.

By Wednesday, you might as well throw them in the river somewhere.

This is worse than New England.

[Jimmy] Hey, Paul, good luck to ya, if I don't see ya.

Relax a minute. [Paul] End of the tirade.

No, it's gotta be changed around. Relax.

I'm not workin' any more afternoons, period.

I'm workin' the way I wanna work and when, the way I wanna go out.

Relax. 'Cause this thing is, uh ‒ I might as well be shooting myself in the sun.

This is absolutely no good in the afternoon.

Good luck, Paul.

Bye. Thank you. Good luck.

[in Irish brogue] Join the force and get a pension.

What do you think this is here?

How about a Mickey? Like a Mickey? A Mickey lead?

Mrs. Lynch?

She'll probably tell me to join the force and get a pension.

Oh, this guy here. I like him.

[Ray] That's one Bible and a CPE, Catholic People's Encyclopedia.

Which plan would be the best for you?

[woman] Well, I'd have to get it for six a month.

And this is where you put your name. Right here.

That's where I sign my... John Henry.


We got a new record here the other day. You know, one of these Beatles songs.

["Yesterday" orchestration on stereo]

[man] That's off a tape. This, um ‒ The tape gives a better, more rounder tone.

Doesn't interfere with what you're doin', does it?

Oh, no, no, no.

See. Here's what I did.

You're gonna put the 20 down.

Now when it arrives in three to four weeks you don't mail in your first payment.

To make the first payment, you just give six to the postman.

So that's just like puttin' 26 down.


Now that brings your balance down to $67.90 instead of $93.90.

Twenty is today, six to the postman.

Now, four weeks after you receive your books, then you mail in the payment.

In other words, it'll be about eight weeks from now you're going to mail in your first payment.

Oh, I see. You see, it's just like putting 26 down.

Will they send you a ‒ They'll send you a budget book and the envelopes.

Telling you when it's due. Yeah. Right.

Every time you mail in a coupon, you mail in at least six.

Yeah. Okay. Where will it go to? Okay.

It'll go to, uh ‒ We have two offices.

One in Chicago, one in Charlotte, North Carolina.

They'll give you the envelopes with which one to send it to.

Okay. See, right there.


[music stops]

[radio announcer, indistinct] [woman] Well, that's that.


I enjoyed the visit. Oh, I know you'll enjoy the Bible.

And again, I'm sorry to hold you up on your dressmaking.

I'm going to make my heathen husband read it.

[man] Well, I've got to go to work at 12:00, so...

[woman] I'll let him take it to work at night so he can read it.

Sure. Bye now. [man] Good night now.

[woman] While he's doing nothin'. Good night.

[man] Doing nothing? My goodness sakes. What do you think I do at nights?

[woman laughing]

Oh, you're riding around in that car on a chilly night like this?

[Ray] Thanks again now. You're welcome. Bye-bye.

["Yesterday" orchestration plays]

Hello, Paul.

What happened? Did you get a haircut? Huh?

Did you get a haircut? I got a short one.

You look like a Schweinehund.

I got a thin one. I got a thin one.

What happened to your stomach?

The brakes went today. I'll say that.

Luck. How'd the battle go?

God, I went through there. I had no trouble finding any of the places.

Do you know how many pitches I made all day? One.

One pitch.

I got one deal in for the week. I got a couple I might ‒ I got Collins up there. I might be able to knock off a quint with her, but no action.

I can't get any action out there.

I can't see any deals here.

Every time I get in the house, all I hear is ‒ I mean, the brush-off at the door. And, uh, you know, real rough.

These Mickies were rough. Really rough.

Did you find ‒ You know, you found that they're probably similar to yourself?

I find here, and if you analyze it, you don't have that many Catholics here.

You don't have that many Catholics. One church.

You cover a hell of a wide area, and there's not that ‒ And goddamn it, I don't know how many times you have to go back to get these people in.

Boy, I went through eight leads like as if right through a tin horn tonight.

Bingada, bingada, bingada, bingada, bing.

I've analyzed it myself, and I think there are areas ‒ The rich areas are tough. They're rough.

But believe you me, if you get in there and you get the point, you have no trouble with that money.

And you can shoot a quint and, you know, it doesn't break

'cause, what the hell, they can shoot the money out there.

They got money to work with.

But I'm not thinkin' negatively...

but even if I got for the week, say, I got ten or 11 sales, I wouldn't be happy with it either because ‒ It's croakin' you, Paul. You're in a bad frame of mind.

You're having a rough couple of weeks. Well...

There could be something croakin' me.

These people are croakin' me.

Paul, you're fightin' them. They can spot it a mile off.

You get a week or two of good production under your belt, you'll be okay.

A woman wanted a CPE, you know?

Four kids.

Hit her with a buck a week. Too much money.

You know, it's ridiculous.

No husband. I don't know where the hell her husband went.

I may be wrong, but I can't see it here.

[Paul humming]

[continues humming]

[Charlie] We place it in the home for as little as $49.95, complete.

Isn't that amazing?

[man] Now, this will all be changed pretty soon, won't it?

No. Are you with the Knights of the Holy Name?

No, I'm not Catholic. No, he's not Catholic.

But he follows me right along and all that.

Well, I'll tell you. You know what I appreciate, honest to gosh?

When we go into a home and it's a mixed marriage, we find in many cases the husband is much more enthused oftentimes than we, even as cradle Catholics.

[woman] I wish you were selling a children's encyclopedia instead of this.

Yeah, let me put it this way. None of your children would ever get a sunburn, or they'd never get a cold unless they were exposed to a draft.

They'd never get a sunburn unless they were exposed to the sun.

The mere fact they're exposed to it, they're going to receive so many benefits from it.

They have to, you know.

'Cause if it never does them any good, it'll never do them any harm.

[man] It's kind of a fancy Bible for a little child, isn't it?

[woman] Yeah. What do you mean, Mr., uh...

[man] This.

For them, I mean. They're kind of young.

You were saying that they'll be exposed to this.

[Charlie] Right. Uh-huh.

In what manner? Looking at it or...

[Paul] May I interject to say one thing?

"The hand that rocks the cradle rules the world."

Is that right? Behind every great man, there's a good woman.

Now she spends, according to Reader's Digest, about 85% with the children.

Now, whatever she is and what she imparts to them is how those children are gonna grow up, and this is the age when they need it.

Because if your house doesn't have a foundation, you've got no kind of a house.

Does that make sense? [man] That's just ‒ There we are. There we are. That's exactly what ‒ And we have that in white and red.

We can give it in any color that you might like. That's another thing too.

The Bible is the heritage of life.

And so, when you come right down, I know that price is something that doesn't enter into it at all.

It's the utility of it. And believe you me, I think you both have to agree that you have the utility there.

Is that true or isn't it?

[woman] Well ‒ That's all we have to say.


[Charlie] It's the way anything is designed as to what effect you ‒ we get from it.

[woman] I just feel sorry with all your work and demonstration...

[Charlie] No, listen, I was running a little stale anyway.

This is why I'm taking Mr. Brennan out tonight to see if I can sort of spark him up a little.

[man] He needs practice?

He's dropping way down. [woman] I really appreciate the, uh...

He used to write, if I recall ‒ At one time, Paul, in your prime, you were writing 12 a week, right? Mmm.

He dropped way down to three. He says, "What's the matter, Mr. McDevitt?"

And I says, "Well, Paul, I think you're a little negative.

You're negative and I think this is what you need, a little spark.

And I think somebody should take you out and spark you up and show you how the people will acquire this."

[chuckles] I'm not doing this to embarrass you, Paul. Believe me.

Well, sometimes it isn't a spark. You need an explosion.

[laughs] With that I think we'll say good adieu.

[man] Thank you very much. [woman] Thank you very much now.

[Paul] That's life.

[imitating Irish brogue] Yeah, join the force and get a pension.

No, sirree, boss.

[imitating Irish brogue] Mary, she works for the telephone.

She's got a lot of stocks.

They're hardworking. Hardworking people.




Charlie's been working in the police force now.

The boy, he retires, he gets a pension.

He's all set for life.

He ‒