Sam and Elvis (2018) Script

I been doing just fine up until now.

I just don’t know what I’ve gotten myself into.

This could be maybe the worst thing that I ever did.

Well, maybe not the worst thing.

There was that time when I… nevermind.

All I’m sayin’ is, I just never saw this comin’.

After all, 20 years is a long time not to hear from a body, you know what I mean.

Well I’m not gonna answer it.

Holy crap! Another damn telemarketer, right Elvis?

Do you smell that?

Oh shit I’m out.

See, not so hard now, is it? Come here.

Let’s see. Oh that seems to be healing nicely.

Oh… k then. Alright!

Everybody ready? We got a long drive to Umatilla.


You’re gonna be fine. Florida’s a nice place.

And I think you’re going to enjoy living with your aunt.

You know there's nothing like family.

Hey dirtbag!

Don’t forget this.

Making progress Elvis!

Beautiful isn’t it?

I think I’m gonna puke.

Sweetie, please stop that. And aren’t you gonna eat your sandwich?

I’m not hungry and don’t call me that.

Just try a few bites.

I don’t feel good.

You’ve had a rough year. Different foster homes and all.

Change is scary, it would make anyone feel queasy.

Rebecca I really don’t feel good.

Just give it some time, you’ll see.

I’m gonna puke. What?

I’m definitely gonna puke.

Oh God!

Please stop that.

So we have successfully moved this pile of highly important stuff from that room into here.

Looks much better, don’tcha think Elvis?

Should make Miss Uptight Smarty Pants happy.

Don’t judge me.

OK, let’s do this.

The brochure you gave me said

‘beautiful beaches, warm sand and Disney World!'


It’s open!

I said it’s open!

Oh for Christ’s sake!

I SAID it’s open!

Oh. It’s you.

Of course it’s me. We’ve had this scheduled for weeks.

Yeah but you didn’t say exactly what time.

You shoulda called first.

I did call!

I called 10 times today and I called you from the car parked in front of your house not two minutes ago. We both know that you didn't answer.

Well still. It ain’t polite to just drop in on folks.

I though that you were going to… WHAT?

Mrs. Batinger we specifically spoke— Olina.

Yes of course, I’m sorry. Olina.

We specifically spoke about the need for organization.

Yes you are correct we did speak about that.

Where do I put this?


Sam, my name is Sam.

Yes I’m so sorry. I forgot.

Sam, Olina.

This is your niece Sam.

Sam, this is your Aunt Olina.

Hey Sam.

You’re not my aunt. My aunt’s name is Sam too, I’m named after her.

Samantha, this is your aunt.

She goes by Olina but her real is Samantha, just like you.

Sam, my name is Sam.

And who goes by the name Olina? That's a stupid name.

Samantha, don’t talk to you aunt that way.

My name is Sam! And you can’t tell me what to do.

You neither.

Becky, let me just wrestle on this for a moment.

Oh it’s Rebecca.

Uh huh. You got a nasty mouth on you girl.

Don’t you ever come into my house and mouth off at me, ya hear?

You don’t have to stay here if you don’t want to.

But as long as you do, you will be civil to me and to any… guest… in my house D'ya understand? And my name is Olina.

Don’t you never nothing bad about my name.

I might not be too crazy about your name but it’s yours.

So I’ll keep my trap shut about it, understand?




Now let’s see about gettin’ you up to your room.

Your room is at the top of the stairs here and the john is right nearby.

Ya see, I do listen.

Well my word! This is nice.

Isn’t this nice Sam? Much nicer than the room you had to share at the home.

Well, let’s leave Sam to get settled in, shall we?

Uh, Sam, there’s plenty of room in that closet and that chest of drawers there, it’s empty.

That was very thoughtful the way that you prepared Sam’s room. It’s very comfortable.

And just remember Mrs. Batinger, Olina. Right, Olina.

You will be a role model for this child.

Time to go. Pardon me?

I said you can go now, I can take it from here.

Oh no, I’d love to stay, help you break the ice.

It is after all what I do.

Yes, I know you’d love to help but I think our ice is broken enough already.

Olina, I’m a highly trained social worker, well-equipped to handle any questions-

Time. To. Go.

I need the paperwork from last week.

Oh, no thank you. I really need that paperwork for my manager.

It’s in the bag.

Where’d you get that?

Playing catch football with the kids at home.

Huh! Must’ve been some game.

What's that smell?

Ah, what you’re smellin’ is the fresh scent of cherry blossoms in this can of room deodorizer.

It smells like a hospital. Or an armpit.

Well that armpit smell young lady is probably you.

Not me. When was the last time you bathed? Was it … days?

Weeks?! I don’t remember.

Soon as you’re done eating, you upstairs, shower, get yourself cleaned up.

What? You don’t like pizza? What kid doesn’t like pizza?

It smells funny.

Well I’m sorry Your Highness, I ain't exactly a chef.

If you want somethin' else you’re just gonna have to go make it yourself.

My stomach feels sick.

You’ll get use to it.

Clean up your plate when you’re done.

Dearest Sam, Desdemona was my favorite role in high school. Enjoy!

Love, Your Mama

I don’t know about this Elvis.

I think I might’ve bitten off more than I can chew.

What’s with the dog? Excuse me?

This dead dog on the sofa. Why?

Don’t! What!?

Just don’t touch him, ok?

Don’t worry Elvis she’s not gonna bother you none.

It’s a stuffed dog.

Well maybe to you that’s all he is.

No, to anyone who’s normal, he’s a stiff and you’re a freaking looney.

This is Elvis. Elvis has been in my family for 12 years.

Some people go in for ashes. I went in for taxidermy.

That’s sick.

Well excuse me, not everybody’s perfect.

Sick can be cool you know.

Oh really, is that so?

Why don’t you just… get another dog?

One that eats, breathes, moves, stuff like that?

Because dead dogs don't fart.

What does that mean?

Exactly what I said. Dead dogs don’t fart.

They don’t cry, they don’t bark.

They don’t get you up in the middle of the night.

You don’ have to clean up after them.

They’re just… a lot simpler. That’s all.

Right. But they’re dead.


So social services sticks me with a lady named Olina who talks to smelly old dead dog named Elvis.

You know it won’t break my heart if you go back to that foster home.

I'm perfectly happy here with Elvis.

Yeah okay, I’ll think about it, Olina.

Aunt Olina. What?

Aunt Olina. I’m your aunt.

You can call me Aunt Olina.

That’s stupid.

My house.

My rules.

Oh girl. Did you take a shower like I told you to?

Oh you got a nerve calling Elvis smelly.

You’re the one that smells.

Not me. Well it sure ain’t Elvis.

Hey, don’t blame me for whatever you smell.

Well dead dogs don’t fart but live girls sure can stink.

Now you, upstairs.

Back up to that shower and clean yourself properly and don’t come down until you do. And don’t touch anything!

And put your clothes all in the washing machine!

Now the whole room stinks.

Holy shit. Oh!

Holy crap.

Yeah that’s right, holy crap.

I gotta clean up my language for the kid Elvis.

I gotta be a role model.

What’s this?

Fold 'em.

These aren’t all my clothes.

Did I ask whose clothes they are?

You’re sitting here doing nothin'. Fold ‘em.

Hello. I’m not doing nothing, I’m reading.

Hello, too. I just did your stinky laundry.

Look, you’re not gonna come waltzing in here disrupt my peaceful existence and expect to get waited on.

As long as you’re gonna stay here you’re gonna have to learn to pull your own so fold ‘em.

That blows chunks. Oh just do it.

Whatcha reading there? This trash or something? What is it?

Nothing. Give it back.

Othello? You’re reading Shakespeare? Why not?

At least old Willy understood that certain people in the world are just born to be screwed.

You? Screwed? You’re not screwed.

You’re just gettin’ back on your feet. That’s all.

Shakespeare knew that everybody wants a piece of everybody else, you know.

A pound of flesh thing. Those that get caught in the middle are toast.

Sam, people aren’t all like that.

I know about people and they ARE like that.

You don't know about people because you don’t have any people.

How do you know that?

They looked for my relatives for a year, you're it.

And if I don’t have any relatives, neither do you.

Well, you might have a point there. Alright, you finish reading what you’re reading but then you fold the clothes. All of them.

What aren’t yours you put in a nice, neat stack outside of my door.

Okay? Miss High and Mighty.

You know, Shakespeare does make good reading. Your mama?

She liked the tragedies too.

Myself, I prefer Scarlett O’Hara over Desdemona anyway.

Frankly, Olina, I don’t give a damn.

Read it in school.

Why did you and Mama never talk?

Lake George.

We was real close back then.

It’s complicated.

Mama said she was ashamed.

I guess we both were.

Of what?

Choices. Bad choices.

I know about the bad choices she made, what about you?

Men. Seems like your mama and I could never get that right when we were kids.

Are you talking about my dad?


Yeah, your dad, he liked me first. But I thought he was an ass. He had a really violent temper right from the start.

So, to get even with me he went after your mama.

I tried to talk her out of it.

But, she didn’t appreciate that much.

You see, women don’t like it when you bad mouth their men.

She was pretty pissed at me when she left.

Well it looks like you called it right.

Yeah. Sometimes being right is the wrong way to be.

It costs us both, being right.

Sam, did your father ever try — No.

No what? I didn’t finish the question.

He smacked me around some, that’s all.

He was usually drunk.

So I learned to dodge.

Mom wasn’t so lucky that one night.

Well you don’t ever have to worry about that man again.

Because he ain’t never gettin’ out.

Who’s this?

Ah, that is your Uncle Bud.

One of the right choices I made.

What happened?

His country called.

And then he got killed.

But 7 men survived that day because of Bud.

My Bud, he came home in a pine box.

Did you have him stuffed too?

I should say not! Why?

Well because you don’t stuff people.

Wax museum’s about the closest you can come to stuffin’ people Mmm. So he’s in a wax museum?

No. But he should be.

He was a great man.

That’s enough talk about the past for now.

Our baby will be filled with joy and happiness. She will be our princess Olina.

Aloha. Love, Bud.

Now what do we have here!? Stay away! I’ve already called the cops.

Now you better put that thing away before you hurt somebody.

Hey Elvis! How’s it going?

Sit. Stay. Good boy!

Who are you?

Oh, I’m Larry. I must’ve misplaced my key so I had to make due with the window. That’s bull. Olina doesn’t give out keys.

I’ve been here for two weeks and I don’t even have a key.

No kidding? Well I do. I mean I did.

I don’t know what I’ve done with it. What? Oh!

Hahaha, you must be Sam.

The long lost niece. Maybe.

Well it’s a pleasure to make your acquaintance.

Cops should be here any minute. Well the cops aren’t gonna be interested in me.

And why is that?

Because I own the house.

Liar! If you own the house how come my aunt never mentioned you?

Well I’ve been on the road and in case you haven’t noticed, your aunt’s not really the chatty type.

You deliver mail on the road? No.

I don’t deliver mail on the road.

You’re a mailman? No.

You are wearing a mailman uniform.

I like the outfit.

That is the stupidest thing I have ever heard.

That’s even stupider than talking to a stuffed dog.

Well a body’s gotta talk to somebody.

And might as well be a stuffed dog.

And Elvis is a whole bunch more polite than I can say about you.

Yeah, ok. You haven’t answered my question.

Why are you in our house?

Our house.

And I thought you were only staying here for a few weeks until you found someplace better.

Mm. So you know all about me. Yeah. I do.

How? Well Olina and I keep in touch.

I know that’s a lie. She doesn’t talk to anybody.

I thought I recognized that truck out there!

Welcome back! How ya doin’ gorgeous?

Not too shabby!

Oh and don’t you look dashing as a postman.

I see you two have met.

So you two hooked up or something?

Sam, don’t be rude.

Larry and I go way back.

Larry’s seen me through some pretty tough times.

So show a little respect. Besides, he could kick us both out on our asses… on our cans... if you give him any trouble.

I don’t know. He’s kinda puny.

I think I could take him.

I don’t feel like celebrating.

It’s the 4th of July and I want to party!

What about you Olina? I got the hotdogs right here.

That’s a start!

Thank you very much!

I smell chocolate.

Hand it over.

I don’t know what you’re talkin’ about.

What are you, part bloodhound?

Larry, beer? Yes please.

Thank you.

So, Aunt O. How come you never remarried?

It was just a lot simpler not to.

Besides, there was never anyone like Bud.

This was a really nice day.

Thank you Larry.

My pleasure.

I know how you and Bud loved the Fourth of July.

Yup, we sure did.

So how is it that neither of you have jobs?


And you let her live here for free?

I’m no freeloader! I pay rent every month, on time I might add.

That she does. How about you?

Why don’t you work?

Well, insurance settlement.

For what? Ah, well they were supposed to remove my gallbladder but they removed somethin’ else that I don’t care to mention.

I invested the money in them erectile dysfunction drugs.

I made me a shi- a boat load of money.

They messed with the wrong woman.

That they did.


Too many hotdogs.

That’s the fourth time this week.

That’s it child. You’re going to see the doctor.

Mrs. Batinger, do you have any medical history for Sam?

The only medical history I have is what I’ve seen and heard for the last two weeks.

You say this started about

3 months ago?

You think there’s a reason for Sam to keep something from you?

Apart from being a teenager?

While you were still at the foster home?

I think it’s best if we discuss this with Sam.

Sam, is there something you want to tell your aunt? No.

You got something to say girl spit it out.


Sam is healthy. Well that’s good.

Then why is she upchuckin'?

Sam is expecting.

Expectin' what?

Best guess is 13 weeks.

Elvis is not gonna like this.

So you plan on keeping the baby?

None of your business.

Well, I think as the baby is related to me and seeing as how you live here for now and seein’ as how Elvis and I might be somewhat affected by the presence of a baby not to mention that we’ve suddenly inherited a teenager.

I think it absolutely is my business to know if you plan on keepin’ on it.

I don’t know.

I may not have a choice.

If I’m living here I guess you get to decide.

Oh no.

I don’t decide.

If by some miracle you manage to tough it out for the next couple of months, that decision will have nothing to do me.

I don’t make decisions that affect other people.

I just stay here in my house with Elvis.

You keep the baby or not that’s up to you.

Will you kick me out if I keep it?

Not if you survive till then, which doesn’t seem too likely.

Like I said, it’s up to you.

But my rules won’t change not for you, not for it.

Now then, you got any other surprises?

Good. You’re here.

Don’t you ever call before you barge in on people?

As if you would answer.

I received a call from Dr. Dempsey’s office.

Sam is pregnant! How did this happen?

Sam, would you like to tell me how this happened?

You need to get out more.

I didn’t mean that. I mean the father.

What are you, my social worker or priest?

Well it’s good to see things appear to be calm here.

How are you two getting along?

Kind of like the Capulets and the Montagues.

Oh, that’s splendid. See I knew you two would be able to work things through.

I believe those are people in play by Shakespeare. They killed each other.

Oh! Yes of course. I remember now, the Capulets and the Montenewts, Shakespeare dear.

Indeed. You know, not to get off topic.

But there is something that we need to discuss.

And that’s getting Sam enrolled in school for the fall.

Although, we’ll have to discuss a different approach now that she’s expecting.

Yes, we will.

Sam, would you please go up to your bedroom.

I need a few minutes alone here with Becky.

So, just what exactly is it that the Department of Children and Family Services oversees?

Now Olina, I can assure you. Mrs. Batinger.

OK, um, Mrs. Batinger, I can assure you that we have contacted the department up in Georgia.

And that they’re looking into...

How the hell did this happen?

Well, I don’t know!

You folks don’t know much, do you?

Well we do what we can with the resources that we have.

What happens when the baby comes?

What do you mean?

Do I keep the baby too?!

We’ve got plenty of time to think about that.

I mean the doctor that Sam is only 3-4 months along.

Can they make me?

Well, if you proceed with Sam’s legal adoption, then you would be the child’s guardian and you would get to decide what happens with the baby.

I don’t know about this. This is...

This is an awful lot for me and Elvis to take in.

Right now it just seems like a big mistake.

There are several options available and I can council you and your niece and bring you. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Mrs. Batinger, I know this complicates the situation but well I just want you to remember that you are the only family Sam has.


You can call me Olina.

Okay, Olina.


Can I come in?


Oh crap.

Larry, I can’t find her anywhere. OK, OK. I’ll go look.

You stay here in case she comes back, alright.

Where ya headed? Ya need a lift?

I should call the cops on you. An old man picking up a young girl.

I only pick up the ones I like.

I knew living with my aunt wasn’t gonna work out.

Now wait a minute don’t be so hasty.

Come on, get in. Let’s talk some.

This is one of my favorite hangouts.

It’s where I come to escape.

Get my mind a rest.

Your aunt says your mother doing theater too Yeah. You two would’ve gotten along.

Theater has a way of doing that.

So does the father know?

Why should I tell you anything?

Sam, you gotta trust somebody.

Not you. You’re pretty much still a stranger.

You know Sam, when I was fighting overseas, I found myself in some pretty scary situations.

I needed someone to trust and all the people around me were strangers.

And I realized I wasn’t the only one in need.

Those guys needed someone to trust too.

Sam, we’re all strangers till we find ourselves in need of one another.

That’s different. Wait, wait, here me out. I had to trust that those guys had my back.

Those strangers became my friends.

My buddies. My family.

They saved my life.

I can’t trust anybody. Sam, that’s not true. Wait!

You know your aunt loves you a great deal, you know that, right?

She said I was a mistake.

She didn’t mean that.

Look she’s just trying to figure everything out just like you are.

She says something without thinking and

… your aunt lost a baby.

Her baby.

It was right after Bud went overseas.

I didn’t know.

She doesn’t like to talk about it much.

Sam, you need to talk to her.

She’s your kin.

You can trust her.

You must be hungry, I fixed you some food.

It’s on the table.

Thank you. Sure.

I’m very happy that you’ve decided to go ahead with Sam’s adoption.

Well, Elvis gave it the okay. Well, I’m very glad that Elvis is on board.

Now, Olina. We’ve got a few things that we need to discuss. One of them is Sam’s education. Have you enrolled her yet? School starts in two weeks.

Can’t she just wait until after the baby comes?

I’m afraid not. Sam’s only 15, the state has it’s regulations.

She needs to be enrolled in school.

Well that just absolutely blows chunks.

Excuse me? Oh that’s what Sam would say if she were here.

That absolutely blows chunks. She says that a lot.

Well, be that as it may, we need to get her enrolled within the week.

There’s Umatilla High and then Brooksfield.

It’s a private school. Brooksfield?

Isn’t that for druggies and dropouts and flunkies and teen moms? Well not always. Really?

Well what about homeschoolin’? I could homeschool her.

Olina, I don’t think that that would be possible. I mean, you’d have to have a college degree to qualify. Got one.

You do? Right as rain I do. A degree in English lit from the University of Florida. 3.8 GPA Dean’s list, honors in my field and cum laude.

Thank you very much.

Um, OK well I’d have to send it credentials.

Can you produce credentials? Oh I think I could dig up some credentials.

Would my transcript and diploma do the trick?

That’s just unbeliev — remarkable.

And I’m sure that we could look into it.

Who’s homeschooling me? Why do people think I can’t handle this?

Says the lady who talks to her dead dog.

Well you know, you can always go to that private school with the snobs.

What do you say Elvis?

Classmates? When do we start?

Yeah that’s what I thought. But I’m not doing any homework.

Oh you’ll do as I say. And since you'll be at home, it’ll all be homework.

Ya hear that Elvis? We’ll have homework?

These are some brochures that Miss Prissy Pants gave us for

… for options after the baby comes.

Do you think I’m doing the right thing?

Oh honey, I think you made a very brave decision to have this baby.

I think a lot of girls in your position would’ve… well I think you’ve been very mature about the whole thing.

But Sam honey, you’re still just a kid.

I really think you should think about adoption.

I have thought about it.

This one’s about something that they call “open adoption” where you get to stay in touch.

And it gets to know who you are.

Her. The doctor said it’s a girl.

Not an It. I know.

I … didn’t mean anything by calling her an It.

I know.

Would I get to pick the parents?

If that’s what I decide I mean? Yes I think you would.

Rebecca said you get to interview the couples.

Find out if you like them. Check ‘em out.

See if they’ll give It… give her a good home.

I really screwed everything up, didn’t I?

Oh no, no, no child you didn’t screw it up.

We’ll get through this, you’ll see.

Bad time?


Aunt O’s gonna homeschool me.

Wow, I’m sorry. You too!?

What’s next?

Girl we’ve been at this for two weeks now.

You know what to do. Look, check your parenthesis.

It’s too many Xs and Ys. I don’t get this.

Yes you do. What’s the matter? Nothing.

Sam, it’s okay to be upset today. I’m not upset.

I just hate math. No you don’t. You’re great at math.

People don’t have what they’re good at.

Are you nervous? I’m not nervous. Just leave me alone. Sorry, not my job.

Ok. That’s enough for today. We gotta clean up for our guests anyway. Why don’t you go upstairs and get ready.


You must be Olina, the aunt?

That would be me.

And you must be the Smiths. The potential adopting parents.

So. Is Smith your real last name?

Excuse me? It just sounds fake.

Like you’re undercover or somethin’.

Uh, no. No.

Smith is our real last name. I just thought, maybe they gave you the name Smith to protect your real identity?

You know, in case nobody likes you.

Yes, Sam.

Smith is Frank and Susan’s real last name.

I know. Why don’t we talk about the baby.

Oh good idea. So, Frank, Susan, why do you wanna adopt a baby?


We’re the Armands.

Hi, I’m Jennifer and this is my husband Jeffrey.

We’re the Dempsey’s. Please to meet you.

We love children. We already have

7 but we’re just beggin’ for another.

Are you having a boy or girl?

Are you having a boy or girl? I hate them.

I grew up in Miami but I like the small town atmosphere.

You get to know your neighbors, the storeowners, the schoolteachers.

See, that’s good! You know this stuff.

Our friend’s son wants to go to college outside the state. Do you know how much that’s gonna cost? No way.

I really hate them.

I’ve been through all sorts of procedures trying to get pregnant.

It can be humiliating. And expensive.

Children can be a real joy you know.

Yes, except for your sister’s kids. Well they just need some discipline.

We’re firm in believers in discipline you know.

And then we tried adopting a Russian baby And you would not believe how much that is going to cost.

They were gonna make us fly all the way over there.

To Russia! Can you believe that?

I really really hate them.

Well my wife and I aren’t able to have children of our own.

Yes, but we want children more than anything.

Why do we want to adopt, well that’s easy! Who in their right minds would want to bring children of their own into this world?

We’ve owned a hardware store downtown for several years.

We’re not overly wealthy but we… I know we can give your child a comfortable life.



What do you say Elvis? Who would you pick?

Well, thank you for giving us the opportunity to get to know each other a little better.

Yes, thank you and thank you for bringing Elvis.

Can I get you anything? Water? Soda?

No. What about Elvis? Can we get Elvis anything?

You do know he’s dead, right?

Yes, uh, I know that. Sorry.

I was just, trying to lighten the mood a little bit.

Sam, the Jacobsons have a nice home, don’t they?

It’s alright.

Do you like our backyard, Sam? It’s big right?

We’re planning to get a swingset for the baby.

Oh, well that’s a splendid idea.

And we have lots of nieces and nephews.

We’re actually thinking about getting a dog for ourselves. A live one of course.

Maybe a shih tzu, I don’t know, I hear they’re very gentle.

There’s a dog named after shit?

Oh, no it’s a Chinese dog. It’s um, I don’t know… I don’t think it means anything in English.

It’s just um… The baby will sleep. in our room for the first few months you know, so it’ll be close by. Do you have a john?

Excuse me?

I have to pee.

Oh. Yeah it’s just down the hall on the left.

So uh, Olina, Do you have any other relatives nearby?

Nope, it’s just been me and Elvis for the past 15 years.

Well, and of course now Sam.

So um, what would you do if the baby is allergic to the dog?

What dog?

The dog you’re gonna adopt.

The one that’s named after shit.

I mean what would you do if the baby’s allergic?

Well, I hadn’t given that any consideration. I mean, I guess... that’s something we should think about. What do you think?

Certainly the baby’s health would come first.

Of course, the baby would be our top priority.

But I mean I guess we could make arrangements for the dog or… Right. Like a nice new home.

You know, for the dog.

You’d give away your own dog?

How could you just give up your own dog?

It’s not the dog’s fault.

Sam, I am sure that they would see to it that the dog was well taken care of. Yes, it’s just that we’ve wanted a child for so long that we would do anything to be good parents really, we would. If you’d abandon your own dog how do I know you wouldn’t abandon my child?

Sam nobody plans on abandoning anybody.

No, of course not. I mean… Oh I’m afraid I’m not doing very well here, Jeffrey help me out.

Sam, what my wife is trying to say is… AND WHERE ARE THE BANANAS?

Olina, you’re right, the child’s just not well.

Don’t touch me!

I smell bananas, I HATE bananas.

They make me sick. I think I’m gonna be sick.

I’m so sorry. I think we may have some bananas in the kitchen.

I don’t like you!

I don’t like them, they are NOT taking my baby!

It’s alright dear, please calm down.

Yes please. We’re really very good people, we go to church, we donate to charities… We recycle!

I think we should leave.

I think that might be best. We can try again another time.

I mean it. I'm gonna puke.

Jeffrey, do something!


Well that was fun. Shut up!

Girl I’ve a good mind to… you know what! There’s no excuse for behavior like that.

No excuse? No.

How about my father killing mom?

How about this little girl I’m carrying?

The one with ten fingers and ten toes, the one that kicks me every few minutes. The one that I want to keep!

Yeah that’s right, I want to keep her!

And you try to make me give her away.

No Sam! No I’m not!

You don’t have to give her up if you don’t want to.

I don’t like them. They’re dog haters. They have too many J’s in their name.

They’re ordinary and stupid and boring and ugly and they’d probably, probably be mean to my baby. They might even give her away too. I DON’T… don’t like them.

They are not keeping my baby. It’s okay child.

You know you don’t have to decide anything, anything today. You know, you don’t even have to think about it. Now let’s just let’s just think about something else, OK?

Scarlett O’Hara and Gone with the Wind? That’s right. Just like Scarlett.

We’ll think about it tomorrow or next week.

But let’s not think about it right now, OK?

Let’s think about something else. What do you want to think about? Not bananas. I hate bananas.

And not smelly people. Not bananas, not smelly people. and not shitzus. Not shih tzus..

Do we have any chocolate?

At home, yeah! And cucumbers?

I think so, yeah.

Marshmallows? Crap!

No marshmallows?!

No, I forgot Elvis!

I want to name her after you.

OK then, we’ll name her Sam Junior. No.

I want to name her Olina Jr.

Alright then, that’s what we’ll do.

I don’t really know what I want to do right now, you know.

I don’t know what’s best I just really wish I knew what was best.

I know. I know.

So do I child, so do I.

But let’s not think about that right now. Tomorrow’s another day.


Come on, come on, come we haven’t got all day.

Don’t get your panties in a wad. I’m thinking.

Hey, I do not wear panties.

I wear boxer shorts.

Oversharing! And that’s not a very lady-like expression by the way. What? Oversharing? No.

The thing about the uh, you know.

Well golly jee Uncle Larry, I’m not exactly in a lady-like situation, am I?

Well, I mean I don’t know about that.

Have you spoken to your boyfriend?

Ew! I do not have a boyfriend.

Well then have you talked to the boy who is your friend, who is also the father?

I’ll take three.

I am going to stick.

You are toast, yogi.

Huh, alright, alright.

I’ll call. I have got two pair.

Kings over Jacks.

Sorry pal. Aces and Eights.

Read and weep. And he tips his hat to the crowd!

Those were my last ones! You know, I need energy right now, I need extra calories.

These are not the calories that you need.

You need to get out, you need see the world, you need to exercise.

Yeah, not a chance. I’ve got nothing to wear.

He wants nothing to do with the baby.

Anyway, I better go do my chores before Aunt O gets her panties in a wad.

Nothing in this hand, nothing in this hand…


What the hell is this?

Language! Yeah, OK I’m sorry, what the freaking royal crap is this!? That is vintage Ester Williams! Come on! Rita Hayworth!

Pinup Girls! For me? What are you nuts?

Of course it’s for you! Go on hold it up!

That looks nice! Where am I supposed to wear this thing anyway? We’re all going out to the lake. Yeah. No. I am not wearing this circus tent in public.

Sam, you comin’ out?

I look like a beached whale.

A mighty pretty one at that though.

Larry don’t tease her. I hate this! Let’s go home.

Sam, we just got here. Just give it a chance.

I can’t see my feet!

Sam, come on, let’s go in the water.

It’ll be fun! Sam, come on.

I hate the water.

Do you have any candy bars?

You are somethin’ else.

I’ll make you a deal.

I’ll let you have the candy bar if you talk about Atlanta and your friend.

Who happens to be a boy.

What do you wanna know?


Why not?

That’s it?

Yeah. We were both depressed, tired, looking for something permanent… I don’t know.

You didn’t think it through?

Obviously not.

Oh sorry! Do you want to come play with us?

Trick or treat!


Imitation is the sincerest form of flattery!

Open the door… Sam!

It’s locked, I can’t get in, I’m serious!

So Sam, have you given any thought to the Jacobsons? What Jacobsons?

The couple we met a few weeks ago?

No. I don’t like them.

OK. We can interview another couple or… Sam, I don’t mean to pressure you but we really need — Sure sounds like pressure to me.

The Jacobsons are a lovely couple.

OK, I’ll get another round of parents together and we’ll — Rebecca.

I’m keeping my baby.

Aunt O said I could.

Olina, are you sure you know what you’re doing? I mean a baby is a big responsibility.

I can help.

I love kids.

Aunt O, how do you really feel about me keeping her?

That’s a life changing decision, child.

For a lot of people.

I just, I don’t want her to have to live with some foster clowns like I had to.

Well that’s not a reason to keep a baby.

Besides, if you do give her up for adoption, the Jacobsons wouldn’t be her foster parents, they’d be her parents.

So you’re saying I shouldn’t keep her. No.

What I’m saying is I think you should do what’s best for your baby, not what you want and not what I want.

Will this change whether I - or we- get to stay?

Do you do you want me to leave?

No I don’t! Are you still lookin' to leave Well, you sure need someone around here to keep your place up, cuz ya can’t do it.

No I can’t. But apart from that, You belong with me.

We’re family.

She’s family too.

Yes she is.

It’s times like these when I miss him most.

Even after all these years.

Maybe we should go see him.

Yeah, yeah, maybe we should.

Bud, this is Sam.

She’s Maddie’s little girl.

Real nice kid.

You would’ve liked her.

I see most of your buddies every now and then.

They’re all doin’ fine.

Larry tells me that Cornwall had a grandbaby.

All thanks to you, darlin’.

And Charlie has three! Imagine.

Why are there coins on these headstones?

They’re symbolic markers.

Some people leave followers, others… whatever’s meaningful. You leave a penny when you want to let the other family know that the soldier’s been visited.

A nickel means that the visitor was in boot camp with the solider.

And a dime means they served together.

And um… so on.

I’m keeping up my end of the bargain, buddy.

You kept yours.

I don’t feel good. We’re gonna be home soon.

But we have to stop by Miss Prissy’s office first.

She’s got some more papers for us. It’ll be fine.

It’ll be worth it in the end, you’ll see.

I know it’s been a lot of work.

But trust me, you’re almost through the process.

It’s only a matter of days now.

What’s the matter child? It hurts.

What hurts? It hurts, I can’t stand it it… ohhh… I’m all wet, I think peed myself.

Could she be in labor? Good work, Sherlock.

No honey, you didn’t wet yourself, your water’s broke.

It means it’s time to take you in.

Oh man, this totally sucks.

I’m gonna hurl.

OK, how many pains? Maybe ten?

How far apart?

I don’t know! They just keep getting closer and closer. OK, we’re gonna go in right now.

It’s too early. No. it’ll be fine.

I got toilet paper from the bathroom!

What good is that gonna do?

Well I don’t know, they didn’t teach me this in training!

Just hold on to me, that’s it.

OK, now remember your breathing, OK?

What’s going on?!

Oh we’re going into labor.



God! Oh jeez that’s not good.

What’s happening!?

You’re havin’ a baby!

In the parking lot for Christ’s sakes! LANGUAGE!

Just breathe.

I am! Not you!

OK just breathe like we, like we practiced.

How do you know what to do? Television.

Oh that’s comforting. Just stay calm.

How can I stay calm!?


Gas receipt… Aunt O….O… O.. OHHHHHHH!

I got a Twix! Oh I want that!

Sam, it’s time to get the baby’s things together.

They’ll be here any minute.

I’ll get it, let her stay.


This is what’s best.

This is what’s best for her.

I think so too.

It’s just always hard to let go of loved ones.

I’ll still have you. I’ll still have Larry.

You know, you’ve made a really selfless decision, I’m mighty proud of you.

Thank you. You’re welcome.

Oh Jeffrey! Look at her.

She’s so beautiful.

How have you been, Sam? We heard you had a rough time of it.

Well, other than nearly giving birth in a jeep.

It was a piece of cake.

She has a keen sense of humor Jeffrey. You know that indicates intelligence. I know the baby is going to be very bright.

Gosh, she’s so small.

The Jacobsons are very grateful to you, Sam.

Of course we are.

I think that’s everything.

She needs to be sung to sleep.

She won’t fall asleep unless you sing to her.

Now Sam, she will be in very capable hands, don’t worry about a thing.

Rebecca, of course she’s gonna worry.

I mean, this can’t be easy for Sam.

Is it, sweetheart?

It’s OK.

You know, you can come see her anytime you want.

And we’ll invite you to birthday parties and on holidays, we really want you to be a part of the family. Would you like that?

Yes. I would.

We want Janice to know you the entire time she’s growing up, Sam.

Janice? Yeah. Yeah, that’s what we thought we’d name her.

Janice Jacobson.

Not another J name.

What do you mean?

You said I could pick her name.

Oh, that’s right.

We did. I forgot about that.

OK Sam, what would you like to name her?

I want to name her after my aunt.



You want to name the baby Olina? I mean that’s a very unusual name.

Sam, the Jacobsons have a right to choose the name of their child.

No, Rebecca.

It’s OK.

We did promise Sam. She wants to name the baby after her aunt, so… Samantha.

You could name her Samantha.

That is my real name.

You said you don’t like that name.

Well I like it now.

Well so do I.

I think Samantha’s a great name.

Is that alright with you Sam?

I think it’s good. I like it too.

Wonderful now everybody’s happy.

Anyway, we better get going. Is everybody ready?


What? I’m not ready.

Sam, please don’t change your mind. I’m not changing my mind. I’m just not ready.

Sam, we went to a lot of trouble to make arrangements to do this today and you can’t just — Rebecca. Please.

Just, let me handle this, OK?

She can do this whatever way she wants Sam, just tell us what you need, OK?

I need a moment with my baby.

Of course you do.

Come on everybody let’s give her some space. I don’t know if this… will be productive. I mean. Rebecca!

Jen’s right, OK?

Sam, you take all the time you need, OK?


You’re so beautiful.

I hope you’ll always know that.

And I hope that you’ll always be loved, more than anyone could ever be.

Actually, I know that you already are.

By so many people.

But nobody could ever love you more than I love you right now at this very moment.

One day, you’ll see that.

And you’ll know that I had to love you that much.

…to give you away.

I wish things could be different.

But you deserve the best. You deserve everything that I didn’t have and they’ll give that to you.

God you look like so much like mom.

I can’t give you what you deserve right now.

I’ve been pretty screwed up with too much going on inside of me.

But I know one thing that’s not screwed up.

You’re the best thing that’s ever happened in this world, no matter how you got here.

You’re the best of me, of mom, and of Aunt O.

And you’ll live a happy life.

I know you will.

Mommy loves you so much.

Goodbye my little angel.

Ok. Let's go.

Oh baby girl.

Thank you.

No good… no sense in this dragging this out!

Rebecca, why don’t you wait for us outside?

Oh no, that’s really alright. I’m the social worker afterall I should … be … here…

You know I worked really hard on this case.

It was like two adoptions!

Sam, I know that you’re making a huge sacrifice for this baby.

And we promise that we’ll be good parents and we will raise her the best that we can.

And she will know that her birth mother loved her very much.

So much that she…

Thank you.

Thank you so much.

Thank you, Sam.

Anybody hungry?

Guess not.

It’s ok to cry baby. Hey, I just might cry with you.

Oh, Sam.

It’s gonna get better, you’ll see.

We’re gonna get you into a school and you’re gonna make new friends and you’ll go to dances and football games and pep rallies.

Aunt O?

Yeah babe? Hand me the room spray.


Give it all ya got.

Oh God! You feel better? Yeah.

Thanks. Aunt O?

Mmm baby? Can I get a dog?

Yeah, you can get a dog. I want one from the animal shelter.

We’ll go tomorrow. Sounds like we got a plan.

Yes it does. Sounds like we got us a plan.

“I never knew that I needed you”

“Thought I was fine on my own”

“Now that you’re here, everything is clear"

“We’re better off together than alone” Three of a kind! Let’s see you beat that.

What? Full House! Read ‘em and weep.

Pay up! Come on. I was tryin’ to quit anyway.

You stayin’ for dinner? Yes, mam.

Alright. What is that smell?

Uh, dog farts.

Dog farts. Oh for God sa…. Samantha!

Will you please come downstairs and take the King of Flatulence outside?

Come on, Melissa! Grab Speedy.

I thought we discussed one dog.

Well… Melissa, come on!

There’s my boy! Hi big boy!

Hey Melissa, you gonna stay for dinner?

Sure Mrs. Batinger. Hi Larry! Hi Mel!

Come let’s go outside! Come on Bern, we gonna go outside! Come on!

Oh Lord.

“Ooooo got you by my side now”

“Ooooo there’s no need to hide now”

“We’re more than blood and water, more than memories”

“I am mother’s daughter, and you’re my missing piece"

“It takes time to change your mind, time to realize

“And see, my life was just beginning”

“The day that you were brought to me. Could it be”

“That, oooo got you by my side now”

“Oooo there’s no need to hide now. We’re more than blood and water"

“More than memories. I am my mother’s daughter”

“You’re my missing piece” Ooooo

"Got you by my side now. Ooooo so there’s no need to hide now"

“Got you by my side. Got you by my side. Got you by my side”

"Got you by my side. Ooooo got you by my side"

“Got you, got you, by my side.”