Samurai Jack S1E13 Script

Episode XIII (2001)

AKU: Long ago, in a distant land, I, Aku, the shape-shifting master of darkness, unleashed an unspeakable evil, but, a foolish samurai warrior wielding a magic sword stepped forth to oppose me.

(SWORDS CLASHING)

Before the final blow was struck, I tore open a portal in time, and flung him into the future, where my evil is law.

Now, the fool seeks to return to the past and undo the future that is Aku.

Got to get back

Back to the past

Samurai Jack

Watch out!

Got to get back

Back to the past

Samurai Jack

Jack, Jack, Jack, Jack, Jack

Got get back

Back to the past

Samurai Jack

Watch out!

Got to get back

Back to the past

Samurai Jack

Jack, Jack, Jack, Jack, Jack

Got to get back

Jack, Jack, Jack, Jack, Jack

Watch out!

Got to get back

Jack, Jack, Jack

Samurai Jack

Watch, watch out!


Please, don't take my soul.

JACK: Aku.

You will not claim another innocent.

Samurai Jack.

My hero.

Ow!

(SPEAKS INDISTINCTLY)

I hate being Aku.

I don't want to be him anymore.

I want to be Jack.

What?

First of all, I do the best Jack imitation.

Do it again, Phil.

Ahem.

(IN JACK'S VOICE) Aku, you will not claim another innocent.

(REGULAR VOICE) And second, you used to love being Aku.

Yeah, that was before Jack came along.

Now, everyone wants to play Jack and destroy me.

But you look just like him.

Nuh-uh. It's just my hair.

(IN JACK'S VOICE) No, Aku, your tricks will not protect you this time.

ALL: Yeah!

ALL: Destroy Aku.

(CHILDREN YELLING)

For eons, I have terrorized this land.

Every miserable creature trembled at the mere mention of my name.

The pitiful people shrank before my awesome power, but now, I am openly mocked by these measly urchins.

Tales of the samurai's heroics have spread through the world like a virus, but I will cure the world of this plague of hope.

I will unleash such evil that even the most innocent soul will be consumed by terror.

We're not afraid of you anymore, Aku, no matter what you do.

Hush!

You cannot speak of Aku this way.

(ALL LAUGHING)

Insolent brats.

Their elders still fear and respect the almighty Aku.

But this new generation...

The seed of rebellion has been planted in them by these tales of heroism.

Well, if they respond to stories, I have a tale or two that will turn Aku into the hero of their young hearts.

(STATIC SOUNDS)


What's going on?

Why have we been forced to come here?


(SHIVERING)

A tale must be told...

A tale of epic proportions.

I will take you to a universe far away, to a world of hunger, for the only one who ate was a corrupt and evil beast, a devourer of worlds, who set his sight on our defenseless sphere.

But, a beloved and courageous hero arose to oppose the terrorizing beast.

Mounted on his sled with eight tiny reindeer, he flew into battle against the cosmic scourge.

Then, the great warrior focused all his power into his spear of truth, and he hurled it with all his might.

The spear struck the beast, transforming him into... beef jerky.

The great warrior was victorious, and the people feasted on the spoils of his conquest and never went hungry again.

"Who shall we thank for this heroic feat?", the people asked.

The warrior removed his helmet to reveal himself.

It was none other than I, Aku.

And so, the people bowed down and made the great warrior their king.

That is the story of how I came to be.

Hmm...

Perhaps my story is too complex for these young minds.

A story of the purest simplicity must be told.

Yes, fairy tales are simple, but the heroes within are legendary.

Little Red Riding Hood.

"Once upon a time, "there was a little girl who was loved by all."

Hmm...

Yes, I am familiar with this one.

AKU: Once upon a time, there was a little girl with an adorable red cape and... great flaming eyebrows who was beloved by all, and so, the people affectionately named her Little Red Hood.

One day, Little Red Hood was on her way to her grandmother's house.

My poor grandmama is of delicate health, so, I am delivering to her a picnic basket of confectionery treats.

Did someone say picnic basket filled with delicious confectionery treats?

AKU: And so, the mean wolf took a shortcut and arrived at Grandmother's house before Little Red Hood.

(KNOCK AT DOOR)

Who's there?

Howdy ho, Grandma. It's me, the wolf.

Oh, my.

Yeah, yeah, I know. I'm petrifying.

Now, enough with the chit-chat. In you go.

AKU: How horrible.

Little Red Hood approached Grandma's house, unaware of what awaits her within.

(KNOCK AT DOOR)

Who's there?

Hey, hey, keep it down in there.

Ahem.

Come in, my child.

(DOOR OPENS)

Hey, there, Red.

How about giving me some of those confectionery treats?

My, Grandma, what big eyes you have.

Yeah, yeah. Big eyes, big teeth, and a big appetite.

AKU: The wolf attacked Little Red Hood, not knowing that Little Red Hood had laser eye beams,

great combat skills, and a powerful uppercut that freed Little Red's grandmother from the evil bowels of the wolf.

Mmm! Confectionery treats.

AKU: And so, Little Red Hood was victorious.

Do not be afraid, children.

Show your joy.

Do you not like the tales of Aku?

Speak!

Yes, child?

Share your thoughts on the tales of Aku.

Well, the stories were told very well.

Yes?

But I think we would like to hear a story about...

Samurai Jack.

What?

(GROWLS)

So be it.

Pay attention, children, for you are about to hear the story of...

Jack and the three bears.

AKU: Once upon a time, there were three bears who lived together in a house of wood.

One was a little wee bear, one was a middle-sized bear, and the other was a great huge bear.

I made us some porridge, comrades, but, alas, it is too hot.

That's okay, brother.

We can go for a walk in the woods while it cools off.

Oh, yummy porridge.

(ALL LAUGHING)

AKU: And while they were out, a wicked samurai came to the house.

He was not a good samurai.

He was an impudent, bad old samurai.

SAMURAI: Oh, yeah.

Porridge.

AKU: And so, the wicked samurai began to eat.

It did not matter to him if the porridge was too hot, too cold, or just right.

He ate it all.

Oh, yeah. Yum. (LAUGHS)

AKU: And then, he set off to destroy the three bears' house.

(SWORD CLANGING)


(BANGING AND CRASHING)

(DOORKNOB RATTLING)

When the three bears returned, complete destruction awaited them.

(GASPS)

Someone's been eating my porridge.

Someone's been messing with my books.

Someone's been wearing my clothes.

ALL: Someone wrecked our whole house.

And there he is.

Sleeping in my bed.

Shut up! I'm trying to sleep.

CHILD: Um, sir? Aku?

Yes, child? Why do you interrupt Aku?

Well, the thing is, Jack wouldn't do that.

Oh, you know him?

No, but...

Very well. Perhaps, I exaggerated a little.

But this next story is true to its uttermost detail.

Once upon a time, there was a house built from straw, wood and brick,

where three innocent little pigs happily made their residence.

Until there was a knock at the door.

(KNOCK AT DOOR)

It was big, bad Jack.

Little pig, little pig, open up and let me in!

ALL: Not by the hairs of our chinny chin chins.

Then I'll huff and I'll puff and I'm coming in.

(SWORD CLANGING)

(SCREAMING)

Here's Jackie.

CHILD: Aku? Sir?

Yes, girl-child?

(WHIMPERS)

I'm scared.

Good. The samurai is scary.

But Jack would never do such a...

Silence!

I will continue with yet another tale.

The story of poor little Cinderella and her evil stepmother Jacqueline and her two wicked stepsisters Jackie and Jacqella.

Scrub that floor.

Wash those dishes. Make me dinner.

BOY: But Jack is a man. AKU: Very well!

AKU: There once was a house made of candy, but a giant samurai came and smashed it.

Fo fee fi fo fum. Guess my name.

BOY: But, those are three different stories.

AKU: With great endings.

And so, the samurai prince finally found the magic frog and kissed him, enraging the frog, who then ate the samurai prince.

CHILD: But wasn't Jack just a giant?

AKU: Yes, and he fell off the beanstalk.

GIRL: But he wasn't on a beanstalk. AKU: You are correct.

AKU: He was searching for his lost sheep, who stampeded over him.

BOY: That's not how the story goes.

AKU: Yes, it does!

After barely surviving the sheep stampede, a cat in giant boots came along and kicked the samurai.

PHIL: What?

Rapunzel, Rapunzel, let down your hair.

(NEIGHS)

(SQUEAKING)


GIRL: What's happening?

Enough.

Here is the truest tale of all.

There was an almighty, all-powerful wizard and there was a pathetic little samurai, and the wizard destroyed him.

(EXPLOSIONS)

The end.

No, that's not how it would happen.

Yeah.

First, it would be a misty night.

BOY 1: And, Jack would be climbing a huge castle.

BOY 2: But not before he defeated its eight foot, six-armed mutant guard.

(GROWLING)

BOY 3: Yeah.

Then he will be climbing all battle damaged.

GIRL: With his hair all messed up.

BOY 43 With his sword in his teeth.

(GROWLING)

BOY 2: Yeah.

And as Jack reaches the top of the castle, Aku would creepily creep out from the shadows.

BOY 1: But Jack can smell his terrible stench.

BOY 3: And then they fight. BOY 2: Not yet.

BOY 2: First, they would stare each other down.

BOY 3: And then, they fight. BOY 2: No, not yet.

BOY 1: Jack would first say, "You have plagued the land with your evil long enough.

Prepare to meet your doom."

BOY 3: And then they fight.

BOY 2: No, not yet.

GIRL: Because Aku would answer, "You are a truly powerful samurai, but no match for my evil wizardry."

BOY 3: Now?

GIRL: Now.

BOY 3: And then, they fight!

GIRL: Aku quickly turns into a huge, uh...

BOY 3: ...dragon-like creature.

GIRL: But he's no match for Jack's samurai skills.

And with one mighty blow...

(CLANGS)

...Jack destroys Aku.

BOY 2: Then he would sheath his sword all cool-style and say, BOY 1: "My quest has ended.

"I will now travel back to my own time and undo the evil that Aku has done."

CHILDREN; The end.

(CHILDREN CHEERING)

Watch out!

Got to get back

Back to the past

Samurai Jack

Jack, Jack, Jack

Got to get back

Back to the past

Samurai Jack

Watch out!

Got to get back

Back to the past

Samurai Jack

Jack, Jack, Jack, Jack, Jack

Got to get back

Back to the past

Samurai Jack

Watch out!

Jack, Jack, Jack, Jack, Jack

Watch out!

Got to get back

Jack, Jack, Jack

Samurai Jack

Watch out!