Santa Claus: The Movie (1985) Script

j& Every Christmas Eve j& j& we are part of a miracle j& j& every girl and boy j& j& shares the joy if they believe j& j& you can share it too j& j& just believe in the miracle j& j& you will carry joy with you j& j& every Christmas Eve k&


In a certain time, in a certain land, once there lived and once there was...

A magic kingdom at the top of the world.

If a traveler came to that cold, freezing place, and no traveler ever did, all he would see would be ice.

Mountains of ice and snow.

But on certain nights, when the stars of the sky shined like jewels, a wonderful light appeared in the heavens; and then many lights, all the colors of the rainbow; and some colors never seen before.

Way on top, the north star sparkled.

And suddenly, the ice mountains cracked open...

And beautiful, beautiful lights pierced the sky, and then, out came the vendegums.

Hundreds of them, all in their bright-colored clothes.

Granny, what's a vendegum?

A vendegum? Those are the little men...

Who live in the ice mountains, way at the top of the world, under the north star.

Some of them are even littler than you.

This is the same story she told last year.

Oh, when's he coming? When's he gonna get here?

The road from the village must be blocked.

Even those reindeer of his couldn't make it through.

Wouldn't be Christmas without him, though, would it? He hasn't missed one yet.

It's them! Here they come!


All right. Everybody back. Everybody back, everybody back.

What did you bring? What did I get? Wait.

Don't I hear something first?

Happy Christmas, Uncle claus!

All right. All right. Here, for you. And you. Thank you!

Cutting wood all day for the whole village.

It's enough to exhaust any man.

How does he find time to make all those things?

He makes time.

What can I tell you? It gives him pleasure.

Little else.

For you. Just for you.

What is it? A vendegum.

Just as I was telling you.

You can't see your hand in front of your face out there. You won't get through.

My reindeer, donner and blitzen, can get through anything.

Come along, Anya. We must hurry.

More children need their toys on the other side of the forest.

'Bye, dear.

Okay.

Bye! Bye!

Did you see their faces when they saw the toys?

Ah, yes. They love their Uncle claus, huh?

Come on, blitzen. Pull harder!

The children are waiting!

Come on, donner. Don't drag your hooves.

Hurry along, now. You can do it, boy.

Come on!


I can't find it, Anya. I can't find the road.

Where are we?

Come on, boys. Don't slow up now!

Hi-up! Hi-up!

Go! Come on! Blast!

Come on, blitzen.

Come on, my good boys. Donner! Now listen!

Over there, there's food and warmth...

And a bed and straw and hay...

And everything a smart team of reindeer would like!

Here is where you freeze to death.

Now, come on, my good boys! Come on!

Claus, come back. I can't see you.

Oh, my God. Anya!

Anya! Anya!

Anya. Oh, my God. Anya! Anya!

Anya, please! Oh!


They're here.

Welcome.

It's them. Vendegum. The little people?

We prefer to be called elves, if you don't mind.

You-you-- I'm the one called dooley.

We've been expecting you. Expecting us?

For a long, long time.

We almost gave up hope!

Where are we?

Home. - No, no, no. Our home is far from-- look at that! Let's go. Not anymore.

This is your home now.

W-what does he mean?

Uh, you don't understand.

We live in a village far away from this one. Blow! Bits of old ropes, single-hinge runner connectors.

This is unbelievable!

See I'm gonna have a lot to teach him.

Whoops. Hi, there.

Hi. I'm the one called patch.

Welcome aboard, sir. Speaking for the boys and myself, I'd-- oh, you must be the missus!

Me? Yeah. Well, we were expecting someone nice, but not someone so young and pretty.

Were we, boys? - No. No.

Oh, don't be elf-conscious! - My friends, let us show you your new home.

Patch, take charge of the reindeer. Yeah. Honka!

Take charge of the reindeer. Boog, take charge of the reindeer.

Vout, take charge of the reindeer.

I don't understand.

What new home? There's nothing here.

Look again.

Where did it come from? It was always here.

But it can't be seen by just anyone, you know. Mm?

Come, fellow elves. Take them to their new home.

Lead and follow, follow and lead.

He's nice, isn't he, patch?

Yeah, I tell you, boys, he gives me a real feeling of elf-confidence.

What's it all about?

Maybe it's a-- aah! No, we're awake!


It's him! He's here!

Yes, he's here, he's here!

Welcome, welcome. I'm the one called puffy. We've been expecting you.

Not now, puffy. The man wants to see the sights.

Isn't this something? - Did you hear that? He said it's something!

He did. He did! Oh, my!

She likes it. She likes it! She does. She does.

Isn't this something? Is it warm enough for all of them?

It's exactly what I've been saying, ma'am.

Now, I have an idea for a new way to heat this entire place, using pipes!

Pipes, you know? Cylinder thingies?

There's much more to see, folks.

Pipes.

Pipes. Yeah.

Wait! Wait!


Oh!

My goodness. What is all this?

They're Christmas toys. Waiting for you.

For me.

Wh-what have they got to do with me?

You're going to give them to your children.

Th-there must be a mistake.

We have no children. You do now.

You have all the children of the world.

But how could I deliver all these toys?

I won't live long enough for that.

Both of you will live forever.

Like us.

Anya?

Me too.

I can't sleep either.

I don't want to sleep. This mattress is so comfortable, I don't want to miss a moment of it.

This-this won't take long. I'll be right back.

What is it, donner, eh? You look so frightened.

There's nothing to worry about.

Really, there isn't. Easy, boy, it's all right. Easy, now, easy.

Strange place, strange companions.

But we're all friends here.

We are!

Look at old blitz in there. Does he look worried? Hmm?

Come on. Maybe try and eat something. Hmm?

It's great food. Believe me.

Say, look. Even I like it.

It's delicious.

Mmm! He's like me, I guess.

Oh! Yes. A little confused.

Yeah, yeah.

He's always been the fidgety type. Yeah. Well, he'll be all right, sir, as soon as he gets used to the place.

He just needs a little elf-control. Mm.

Well, you certainly know your reindeer.

These are fine specimens. Oh! Hear that, boys? You made a good impression.

Come on.

Look. These two are twins. Prancer and dancer.

The way you can tell them apart is by those snooty monocles.

Prancer's is on his right eye, and dancer's is on his left eye.

And this lad with the great big antlers is comet.

And old spotted-nose here is cupid.

This white-faced boy here, that's old dasher.

He loves to run, he does, he really does. He'd rather run than eat!

And, uh, this noisy one with the floppy jowls, he's ViXen.

Keep you up half the night with his snorts and whinnies, whinnies and snorts.

And you sleep here? Yes!

And this is where I do my other work.

Yeah, they keep you busy, huh? Well, I-I-I like it that way.

Sometimes I get so many ideas, I don't know where to keep them in my head.

Um-- oh! Look.

A clock that wakes you up in the morning. How about that? Ha?

That's not bad. Aha!

A plate that whistles when the food's too hot.

Ah?

Um-- oh! Look, look, look.

I've got here a complete syste-- uh-- what do we need all these reindeer for?

Uh, you'll see.

This is a curious kind of place. This is nothing now.

Wait till you see how it gets during season's greetings. - Season's greetings?

Mm-hmm. You'll see. What's that?

Oh, look, sir. Now he's having a bite.


Ooh! Ooh!

Hurray! Hoop-ah!

k&


Maybe it's the massive bulk of it.

I never did an extra-large before.

No, the size is fine. Please don't think I'm criticizing, but green's just not his color.

What about, um-- Brown!

Red.

Yes! Red!

Perfect! Matches his cheeks...

And everything!

Whee!


Ah!

Hey!


Oh. Well? Coming closer now. Not just yet!

Two more degrees north by northwest-- now!

Ohh!

Ahh!

Season's greeting's back! Season's greetings!

Season's greetings! Season's greetings!


Southeast crosswind, point right. Northwest-- are you nervous?

Me, nervous? No.

Oh!

You look... Wonderful to me.

Uh, it does suit me, doesn't it?

A handsome man looks good in anything.

Oh, I'm so proud of you.

Mm!

It's time, sir. Oh.

They're waiting.


He looks wonderful!

It's a perfect fit, if I do say so myself.

The color, the style.. that outfit is him, boys. I'm telling you. Just him.


The prophecy...

Has come to pass...

That there would come to us...

A chosen one.

And that he, having no child of his own, would love all children, everywhere.

And that he himself would be...

An artisan, and a craftsman, and a skilled...

Maker of toys.

And now, chosen one, come forward.

From this day on, now and forever, you will bring our gifts to all the children...

In all the world.

And all this to be done...

On Christmas Eve.

How can I do so much in just one night?

Oh, yes.

Time travels with you; that the night of the world is a passage...

Of endless night for you.

Mm. Until your mission is done.

This is your legacy, and your gift, as is the gift of flight.

Mm-hmm. Now.

All those within the sound of my voice, and all those on this earth everywhere know...

That henceforth, you will be called...

Santa claus.

Santa?

And now, everyone, merry Christmas! -Merry Christmas!

Merry Christmas. Yes.


Come on. Good boy.


Yo!

Faster! Faster!

Ho-ho-ho! Ha-ha-ha! Ho-ho-ho!

Come on, boys. Come on!

Come on. Don't be afraid. Come on.

This is it! Come on!

Ho, ho, ho! Feel the wind in your faces, boys.

Oh, come on, donner.

There's nothing to worry about. It's only flying.

"Only flying"? What am I saying?

All right, boys. Bank to the right.

Steady! That's the way!


Come on, boys. That's my good boys.


Ho-ho-ho-ho!

Oh, more and more are learning to write now, asking for what they want.

Reading and writing, writing and reading.


Leave him alone! Don't! Can't you see he hates it?

Let go! Leave him alone! Don't!

Leave him be! You're hurting him.

Oh, l-let go!

Come back, you stupid animal!

Come back!


"I am sure he hurts the poor little kitten, "and when I cry, he just laughs at me.

Yours sincerely, miss Sarah foster."

You were quite right to bring this to our attention, dooley.

That little boy must not get a present.

No present for him? Every child should get a present.

It's time to change the rules.

You'll have folks saying that Santa claus only rewards the good little boys and girls.

Isn't that as it should be?

All right. Dooley, make up a list...

Of who is naughty and nice. Yes, sir!

And be careful. I'll be checking it twice.

j& Christmas is the best of days j& j& who's the happy cause j& ho, ho, ho! j& It's our favorite person j& j& mine and yours Santa claus j& j& Santa gives to all of us j& j& all he has to give j& j& Santa really knows the way to live j&

j& live, live, live j& j& thank you, Santa j& j& thank you, Santa j& j& when it snows we know you're near j& j& we want to thank you, Santa k&

"'Twas the night before Christmas, "when all through the house, not a creature was stirring, not even a mouse."

What is it? It's a poem. A poem about me.

Ooh. They say it's a big hit.

"He had a broad face, and a little round belly, that shook when he laughed like a bowlful of jelly."

What? Pardon?

Was that-- that last part.

"He had a broad face-- Yes. Go on.

"And a little round belly, "that shook when he laughed like a bowlful of.. Jelly.

It's just a poem.

Is that how they think I look? Well, you know. The cookies.

It's the cookies. The cookies.

Ohh.

Acid.


Your soup's getting cold.

Welcome back, Santa. Have a good trip?

What's this? Oh, next year's schedule.

Oh, can't it wait a few days?

He's just come home! No!

Ooh.

I must have dozed off.

Darling, why don't you get an assistant, hmm?

What? - I don't like to see you pushing yourself like this.

You're spreading yourself too thin. Who would want the job?

Two elves spring to mind. One of them practically bounces to mind!

Oh, yes.

I'm supposed to show you this.

What is it? Oh, something patch thought up.

Look at that. Isn't that a clever thing? j& Time tumbles by j& j& there's snow in the sky j&

Isn't it beautiful? Yes, lovely.

j& And here it is Christmas k& Merry Christmas!

Merry Christmas. Merry Christmas to you.

Cold enough for you? Oh, it's warm in here. Merry Christmas.

Merry Christmas. God bless you, ma'am. Merry Christmas.

Mer-ry Christmas!

Mer-ry Christmas!

God bless you, sir.

Mer-ry Christmas! Mer-ry Christmas!

Mer-ry Christmas.


Mer-ry Christmas!

Mer-ry Christmas! Thank you very much today.


Cornelia! Come away from that window this instant.

You can hear the music perfectly well at the table while you do your homework.

American history sitting around half-done-- if you think that your step-Uncle...

Is going to stand for this-- He never even looks at my report card.

He probably doesn't even know what grade I'm in. - Young lady, you do just as I tell you.

An assistant? Your assistant?

Oh, w-w-with all due respect, I have ideas that'll turn this place upside down.

That is not exactly what I had in mind.

No, no. I'm talking modern methods of production here!

I'm talking assembly line! I'm talking wave of the future.

I'm talking faster, quicker-- And sloppier.

Puffy, the thing about me is that I don't lack elf-assurance.

I'm not afraid to rock the sleigh! Sir, I have long admired your traditional methods of manufacture.

I assure you that I will give the same attention...

To quality and detail-- Boys, boys.

Don't give me campaign promises, give me results.

The one who gets the job is the one who does the job best.

How about this one?

Yeah.

There.

Clear!

Go.


Ha! Oh!

Excellent. Keep up the good work.

Right. Right.


Wait! Isn't it going too fast?

Too fast? Welcome to the 20th century!


Hey!

Good try, puffy.


Mmm, I can't eat another bite.

Me too.

Well, I'm taking my coffee to the library, so I can watch my masterpiece theater.

And you, little miss, make sure you learn those Latin verbs! k&

Psst! Psst! Little boy?

Psst! Hey, boy!


Going well, eh?

Merry Christmas, pretty lady.

Ho, ho, ho, ho!

What a night, my boys! What a night!

Decorations hung at the windows.

Stockings hung by the fireplaces.

Ho, ho, ho! Isn't it wonderful!

Tonight, there's not a child alive...

Who's not bursting with joy and happiness.

Oh.

Hang on, boys. I think we're gonna make an unscheduled stop.

Whoa!

All right, stay right here, boys. I'll be right back.

Hello, son. Hey, beat it, man.

Find your own doorway. Don't crowd me.

What are you doing out here? - I'm pitchin' a no-hitter for the Yankees.

What's it look like? But it's Christmas Eve!

Don't you know what that means?

Yeah, it means you don't have a job till next year. You and the rest of the winos.

Don't you know who I am? Sure, you're a nut.

I'm Santa claus! Right. And I'm the tooth fairy.

Well, I guess I'll just have to do it my way. k& Holy cow!

How'd you do that? See, what did I tell ya?

Come on, Santa claus ain't... real?

Wanna go for a ride?

A ride? A ride on that?

I've never even been in a plane! You better make up your mind.

I'm pretty busy tonight. Yeah, sure, if it's all right.

I mean, like, really?

Now, hold on tight, and don't worry.

You'll be as safe here as you are in your own home. I ain't got a home.

Mm-hmm.

Do you know how to say "yo"?

Yo?

Wow! Oh, wow!

You really are Santa claus, ain't ya?

Yes. But I still don't know who you are.

Joe! I'm Joe! Nice to meet you, Joe.

Wow, neat! How do you make 'me do it?

Oh, just like a horse and buggy. Pull their reins.

Both together to make 'em go higher.

Can they do anything you want? Oh, yes.

Well, anything except the super-dooper looper.

What's that? I've been trying for years.

Well, maybe tonight's the night!

Come on, donner. Let's give it that old college try!

- Come on, donner! This may be it! This may be it! Ohh, yahoo!

You can do it, donner! Come on, boy!

Here we go! Ohh-- you can do it, boy! I know you can do it!

Come on!

Ohh! Ohh.

Boy, well, didn't work again.

That's all right, donner boy.

We'll get it next time.

Tell 'em it's all right. Uh, hey, like, don't sweat it!

You did your best, you know?

Hey, how would you like to drive for a while?

Me? Drive? Sure!

It's easy. Here! Take the reins.

Well, come on. Whoa!

Wa-hoo-hoo!

Oh, wow!

How am I doin'? Oh, great.

Ohh! Come on, guys, go!

Oh, no. No! Hey, wait a minute! Come on, guys. Go!

Wait a minute! Oh! Oh! Go, go, go!

Watch out! Oh! Wait a minute!

Wait a second. Oh, oh, my!

What do you call them?

Reindeer. No, I mean, what's their names?

Oh. Startin' from the front, that's donner and blitzen.

Comet and cupid, prancer and dancer, then dasher and ViXen. Look. There's the Brooklyn bridge.

Here we go! Come on, donner. Come on!

Oh-h-h-h! - Whoo! Whoo, whoo!

Go, go!

Let's go get it! Come on, donner!

Come on, blitzen! Go, guys, go, go!

- Come on, donner. - You can do it.

Come on, go, go!

Oh, boy.

I better take 'em now, Joe.

Where are we going? Well, we can't joyride all night.

I've got a job to do, you know?

Oh, yeah!

Is this the kid who lives here?

Yep. What'd he get?

Fishing rod. How come?

That's what he asked for in his letter.

You mean, if a kid writes-- anything he wants? - Joe, didn't you ever write me a letter?

I never believed in--

I mean, hey, I never needed nothin'.

See, I usually travel light. Well-- let's travel now.


Look, I'm sorry. I didn't see it.

Are you him?

Are you Santa claus?

Boy, I hate it when this happens.

Hello, little girl. Is this my doll?

Mmm.

What are you doing here? You two know each other.

Oh, sort of.

I'm Cornelia. I'm Joe.

I'm Santa claus. - Oh, it's a great pleasure to meet you, sir.

Would you like some cookies? They're from bloomingdale's.

Oh.

Chocolate chip. They're my favorite.

Listen, corny. Thanks for all the good food you gave me.

I can make you a bowl of ice cream.

I tell you what, Joe. You stay here and have something to eat.

I'll see you again. You will? You mean it?

Santa claus doesn't lie, Joe.

Next Christmas Eve, we got a date, okay? You bet!

Thanks for the cookies.

What a guy.

Excellent.

Come on, now. It's easy. There you go.

You're doing fine. Thanks, daddy.

That's it. Oh!

Sweetie pie!

Mom!

He's a great guy! His toys are cheap crap!

His presents suck! What do you care? Nobody ever gave you nothin'!

How can you be so dumb?

Everyone knows he gives out shoddy, cheap toys.

My daddy says he's an old fake.

He is not. He's the nicest man in the whole world.

My parents gave me a doll, and she says whole sentences on a cassette.

You don't have any parents, so naaah! Ow!

A fight! - Girls! No way can dancers be angry.

Returns are coming back from everywhere.

Returns? We've never had returns.

Maybe we could put out some kind of statement.

Hi.

Well, I've got a lot to do.

The thing--

I never was-- you see, I wanted- being tied down to a desk suits some elves, you know, but others of us are more free-spirited.

I know you had no idea. I know that.

Patch, how can I say this?

Yeah, I think that, um... red-- red just, just isn't my color, you know?

Congratulations!

He'll never have an assistant as good as me.

Let's face it, he just doesn't like me.

Well, boys, I'm gonna miss you. You know that, don't you?


Take care of yourself, huh?


Now, sir, I'm asking you if this toy here was manufactured by your company, the b.Z. Toy manufacturing corporation.

Um, yes, senator, this doll appears to be...

One of our own Betty beauties.

Holy crap! My goodness!

Well, what do you say to that, sir?

Well, senator, I've always known that cigarette smoking...

Could be hazardous to your health.

This is not a laughing matter, sir. This is a tragedy!

You, sir, are a disgrace to your profession.

Um, senator, with all due respect-- and, I believe, this toy is advertised as being suitable for three-year-olds.

Oh, my goodness!

Um, senator, I'm even more astonished...

Than you are to see this, and I can guarantee that if these are not isolated examples, I'll make sure that they never happen again.

Well, you better do more than that, sir.

You better withdraw every b.Z. Toy on the market, or I'll personally see to it that your license to manufacture in the United States is revoked.

No comment!

Okay, towser, give it to me straight.

The retail outfits are pulling our toys off the shelves. Cowards!

The post said that anyone who gives his kid a b.Z. Toy should have his head examined.

Swine! Cancel my subscription.

We've got to meet a payroll by the end of the month for 2,000 factory workers.

Commies! And our cash flow is flowing the wrong way.

Right down the toilet. You sure know how to cheer a guy up.

What'll we do, b.Z.?

Patch gone? Where will he go? What will he do?

The world is no place for an elf.

The world's a nice enough place, isn't it?

I mean, they send such nice letters from there. It must be.

j& It's Christmas j& j& all over the world j& j& tonight j&

j& it's Christmas j& they must be very popular.

Look how fast they're going. j& All over the world j&

Good morning, Mr. grizzard. Everything okay?

Fine.

Greetings. Who the hell-- miss abruzzi!

Don't bother with that. I'll just vanish. You'll what?

Vanish... like this.

Hello?

Hi. Wha-- it's a bit uncomfortable in here. Oh!

Over here!

How did you do that?

Listen. You make toys, right?

Are you, uh... from the federal trade commission?

No. I'm from the north pole.

I've got enough on my mind without having to deal with an escaped lunatic!

How do you know I escaped? What are you?

Isn't it elf-explanatory? How's that?

I'm an elf. An elf?

Yes. You mean, like a fairy?

No, I'm not a fairy. I'm an elf.

But-but... why are you here?

Well, I gather you're a great toy giver.

I'm a great toy maker. We should get together. Why should I do that?

Heaven helps those who help their elf.

But-but-but why me? Because I want to help you.

Why? So Santa claus will appreciate me.

I was right. You are a lunatic.

Don't you believe in Santa claus?

Why should I? He never brought me anything.

That's because you were probably a naughty boy.

Yes... I guess I was no angel.

Well, what did you have in mind, elf?

Just let me use your toy factory. To make what?

Something special. Now, here's the idea. Mm-hmm.

First of all, you stop making all your regular toys.

Well, I'm sure they're fine and dandy, dandy and fine.

But we won't be needing them anymore.

Won't... be... Needing them anymore?

No. Oh, uh, tell me something.

How can I tell all the people about my something special?

Advertise. Advertise? How do I do that?

In my line, television works best.

Oh, I know! Those little picture box thingies? Can we get on those?

With enough money, a horse in a hoop skirt can get on one of those.

Money. I don't know much about that.

Good. Oh.

Let's, um, keep it that way, huh?

Okay, but you'll fix it so I can get on the telly? Yeah. When?

Christmas Eve. How long?

Is a minute all right? What channel?

Well, all of them. Which countries?

All of them. All the countries, all the channels.

That would cost a fortune!

If you give extra kisses, you get bigger hugs.

Sorry? - That's what Santa's wife is always saying.

Anyway...

That's all the advertising you'll ever need.

It better be. How many workers does this... product require?

Just me. Wha-- no payroll?

A bowl of stew, heavy on the dill, a cold place to sleep.

What would it cost? Cost? Cost who?

The people who buy the toy.

Well, nothing. We're going to give them away free.

Oh, that's fantastic! How do you turn your face so red so fast?

For free? - Well, that's how we do it at the north pole.

Well, that's not how we do it here!

In a free enterprise system-- on the other hand, this would go a long way...

Towards cleaning up my public image.

Excuse me? That's not a bad investment.

All that good p.R.

I'm intrigued. Excuse me. You're drooling on your tie.

Yes, I know. I said I was intrigued, didn't I?

Now listen, son, what experience do you have in toy manufacture?

Come on. I'm entirely elf-taught.

Uh-huh. What about it, b.Z.

This product of yours-- this, uh, something special-- what exactly is it?

It's something that's very easy to make. Uh-huh.

It's cheap. Uh-huh.

It's simple. Uh-huh.

You can turn them out by the thousands. Uh-huh.

And-- yes. And?

It's got a secret ingredient.

Look around you! No strikes, no smelly workers!

No payroll! It's practically paradise!

Still, giving this toy away for free-- that, Dr. towser, is why I am a captain of industry and you are an insignificant schlepper.

Sure, the first Christmas, it's free.

But the next one, we say, "so you want it again?

Bigger? Better? Well, this time it's gonna cost you!"

How much? I don't know. One hundred, two hundred.

Where will they get that kind of money? What do I care?

Ahh, it's a wonderful thing, cracking your knuckles.

It's the pleasantest sound in the world. What's he building in there?

I'm not sure. He says it's the delivery system.

Yes? We brought the prototypes for, uh... it.

Let me see them. Towser. Towser!

That one.

What color? What color do you like?

I like puce. You would!

What's puce? It's like fuchsia, but a shade less lavender and a bit more pink.

Sometimes I wonder about you.

Fine. Puce, then. As long as it tastes good. But are you gonna--

if this catches on, we can come out with a liquid version.

Puce juice.

Oh, my! An elf-portrait.

You haven't made one of those since-- it's for Joe. He never got a present in his life, and he's too proud to ask for one.

Mm-hmm.

He makes me think what our son might've been like, Anya.

Why, it's patch!

It's not patch-- well, I guess it does resemble--

my good old patch.

I don't know about this. It isn't what the north pole looks like at all.

Look, b.Z. Knows what he's doing. He knows how to grab the people.

This isn't real. The public doesn't want reality. They want the dream.

Patch! Match! Patch! Match! j& Someone new has come to town j&

Patch! Patch! From the old north pole where the elves make toys, here's a Christmas treat for you girls and boys.

Oh, my name's patch. As you can tell, I'm an elf myself, so let's give a yell.

Patch!

Well, the patch-work present comes from me.

You'll find it under the Christmas tree.

And best of all, you will agree, is that it's absolutely free.

Cornelia, your step-Uncle has just dropped by for a minute.

Go in and wish him a merry Christmas.

Come in.

Merry Christmas, Uncle.

It certainly should be.

A little puce candy.

This special broadcast...

Is brought to you by b.Z. Toys.

At least he's all right. What are you going to do?

It's Christmas Eve, isn't it?

I'm gonna do my job... The way I always do.

Merry Christmas from b.Z. Toys!

Where is it? Up there, sir.


That's the stuff I told you about.

Yes, it's terrific. Well done, b.Z.!


Knock 'em dead, kid! Knock 'em dead!

Come on, patch! Give it all you got, kid!

Yaaaaa-hoo!

Oh! Oh.


Santa!

At least somebody down there likes me.

Easy, boys. Easy, now.

Easy, boys.

Whoa!

Hello, Joe. Hey, how's it goin'?

Not bad. Yourself?

I'm okay, I guess. I was afraid you'd forget about me.

Well...

At least I've got one good friend left.

Are you kidding? I'm your pal for life! Honest!

Oh, hey, there was this weird guy on television. Some patch--

I know about that. That's all right.

Then it's cool, then? Yeah.

Hiya, blitzen. Hey, donner, how's it goin', man?

Hey, comet!

All right. Coming?

Neat!

Oh! I almost forgot.

For me? For you.

A present?

Aw, gee, thanks! Excellent!

Did corny get something? The, um, little girl.

Oh! Are you seeing a lot of each other?

Actually, yes. Actually.

Well, of course she's gonna get a present. She writes a nice letter.

She asked for a toy piano.

Well, come on. Huh?

What about the, uh, "yo"?

Oh, right. Yo!

All right, donner! All right, blitzen!

All right, everybody! Ho-ho-ho!

Here we go! Ha-ha-ha!

Ho-ho-ho!

Don't you want to try it?

I certainly do not.

Well, it would be a shame to let it go to waste.

Do you mind if I take it? I don't care.

Mmm!

Mmm!

Ohhh!

Oh, look at me! I feel just like Mary poppins!

Okay, man, come on. Do your worst, huh?

Come on. You can't get past me, sucker. Come on! Come on!

Oh, yeah, you can't get past me.

Kid, come on, give me that ball! Hey, what you doin'?

Hey!

Wow! I don't believe it!

You're cute.

Here he is, ladies and gentlemen.

The man of the hour. Ask him anything.

Tell us how you make it. Can you, please?

What's in the lollipops, Mr. patch?

Well, it's-- all natural ingredients.

No additives whatsoever. Who did your outfit?

Uh, goober, actually. He's head of the sewing department.

Mr. patch, has the space agency contacted you yet?

Who? The astronauts.

Oh. No, they'll have to write to Santa claus...

Just like the other boys and girls.

Uh, what we want-- what we want...

Is to bring joy and happiness...

To all the little children of this world.

And that's why I'm proud to announce...

That, beginning today, my pal patch here...

Is exclusive with b.Z. Toys!

What about the fact that the senate subcommittee on toy safety...

Cited this company with 15 separate-- no more questions!

No more questions. No more questions.

What's this about the senate subcommittee? Just typical newspaper garbage.

Don't take it seriously. And what was that business about our future plans?

The future is ours, patch.

But I'm going back to the north pole. Says who?

Well, nobody yet. But now Santa claus has seen what I can do.

I'm sure he's gonna send for me to come home.

Why would you want to do that? What does the north pole have that New York doesn't?

Ice and polar bears-- and Santa claus and my friends.

All right, all right. I'll tell you what.

Just do me one favor before you go.

No, I can't. I've gotta go back. No, no, no, no.

Not for me. For them, patch.

Well, who? Am I right?

Something...

Something for them.

Something for all the children...

Of this miserable old world.

So how about it? Will you do it?

What is it? This stardust-- this reindeer cornflakes-- whatever it is that made the children walk on air-- wh-wh-what would happen if you were to juice up the formula a bit?

Just make it stronger?

Well, it's elf-explanatory. I mean, it would make them fly.

Yeah, fly. Fly? Fly? Fly?

You mean, like, fly? Like fly high in the sky.

And could you do that before you go? Yes, but I-- patch. It wouldn't take you long, would it?

Lollipops? No, no!

No, we did that already. That's yesterday's news.

The consumer needs a new model.

Well... candy canes?

Candy canes. Mm-hmm.

Of course. Patch! You are some terrific elf!

I mean, I could convert the-- I could convert the machines...

To do candy canes, and in a week or two, and then I suppose-- we can launch the ad campaign tomorrow. Strike while the iron is hot!

I can promise delivery in, say, three months.

Three months? But it's a year to Christmas.

When you've got a hit like we have, patch, the people don't want to wait a whole year; They're dying for a sequel!

A sequel. That's it.

We'll bring it out on march 25, and we'll call it...

Christmas ii!

Christmas ii?

Maybe the whole idea is no good anymore.

What are you talking about? What idea?

Christmas.

Claus!

The world is a different place now, Anya.

You don't see it.

The people don't seem to care...

About giving a gift...

Just so they can see the light of happiness in a friend's eyes.

Just-- just doesn't feel like Christmas anymore.

Maybe this fellow b.Z. Is smarter than I am.

Maybe I'm--

maybe I'm just an old fool.


Hi.

Hi. Come up, quick.


You're burning up! I'll be all right.

You stay out there, and you'll be dead is what you'll be.

You're staying here!

I'm what? There's an empty room in the basement.

Nobody ever goes down there.

Oh, please, Joe. Just till you get better.

Well... all right.

But just till I shake this.


It's, uh, a new doll.

A doll.

Children ought to like it.

Does it fly?

It, uh... wets.


Towser! Good lord, man! 3:00 in the morning!

Haven't you ever heard of the telephone? I couldn't use the phone.

It's perfectly easy, towser. You just pick up the receiver and dial all the little numbers.

I didn't dare use the phone, b.Z.

I couldn't take the chance of anyone hearing. Hearing what?

Shhh! Hearing what?

Are we alone? My niece and her nanny are fast asleep.

All right. Good. Come on. Come on.

Here.

Ninety-nine. You still have a temperature.

Four dopey points! Big deal!

More liquids. That's what you need. More vitamin c.

Come on. Let's go get some orange juice.

Oh, towser, with you it's always some new melodrama.

Well, let me tell you, my friend, tonight, nothing can upset me.

The money's coming in so fast, you'd think we were printing it ourselves!

But, but, b.Z.-- do you realize what this means, man?

Santa claus is finished!

I'm taking over Christmas. By next December, they'll be writing to me!

B.Z.

What the hell--

towser, take that way! Oh! Oh!

Come on with me, young man! Let me go!

How did you get in here? Who are you, anyway? Let me go!

Towser! Towser!

You little brat! Who is this kid?

Some damned little sneak! I heard what you said!

You ain't never gonna beat Santa claus! Never!

I'll tell him, and he'll beat you! Park this kid on ice!

I'll deal with him later.

Shut up!

B.Z., we've got to talk.

Have you ever had one of those nights when you just want to drop a bomb?

Some damn kid in my basement, you waltzing into the house in the middle of the night-- by the way, towser, what the hell did you want, anyway?

It's the candy canes. They're dangerous. What about 'em?

What the hell are you talking about? This patch guy-- he told me he keeps that secret ingredient in cold storage...

Because it comes from the north pole. Uh-huh.

So we started manufacturing the candy canes. Uh-huh.

It's a very powerful mixture, you know? Uh-huh.

So I just assumed I should refrigerate them too. Get on with your story!

Stop giving me all these short sentences and making me go "uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh"..

Like some kind of a moron! Uh-huh.

I had to move one of the batches of candy canes to another part of the factory.

I left a box next to a radiator in the lab.

And? There's no more lab.

The candy canes exploded!

They react to extreme heat and turn volatile.

We've got to stop this. Stop? Are you insane?

We've got millions of dollars pouring in every day, most of it in cash.

Cash, man! Small, unmarked bills.

B.Z., this stuff can kill people.

Are you going soft on me? No, I'm not going-- listen, you idiot. Who else knows about this?

Nobody. What about patch?

He was asleep. He didn't hear anything.

Don't tell him.

Don't tell anybody.

B.Z., these are children we're talking about.

Yes. And who appreciates them better than I?

These... industrious little boys and girls...

Saving all their nickels and dimes...

To get the magic candy canes I promised them.

They'll get what they paid for.

If these people are so reckless as to have radiators in their houses-- reckless? Towser, how does Brazil sound to you?

Brazil? Brazil.

Sandy beaches, tropical breezes, big rum drinks with pineapple in them, senoritas in string bikinis, and-- oh, yes-- no extradition proceedings.

You mean-- you and me, Eric.

We'll take the cash...

And let the elf face the music.


Listen, kid. You wanna die on me when I'm gone?

Be my guest.

Dear Santa, you've gotta help.

Joe's been taken prisoner by a very bad man.

I'm sorry to say he's a relation of mine.

Cornelia, what are you doing? You're ten minutes late for breakfast.

I'm coming.

Just what I thought.

I think we should prepare the first shipments of pine wood as early as April this time.

Don't you agree, Santa?

What's this?

Looks like a letter. In January?

A bit early for next Christmas, isn't it?

It's familiar writing.

Saddle up the reindeer! - But it's only two weeks since they've been out.

This can't wait.

Ah! Just the elves I want to see. Hitch up the reindeer.

We're flying out at 1900 hours! That's what we came to tell you.

It's comet and cupid. What about them?

They've got flu.

This would have to happen now. Well, I'll have to make do with six.

Get them ready. Feed them.

Little Joe needs me.

But, boys...

We have got ourselves one heck of a problem here.

Our little friend Joe is in trouble.

If we don't help him, I don't even like to think of what can happen.

Now, listen.

I know we're two men short today.

But this time...

You've got to fly like the wind.

Can you do it for me?

Can you do it for little Joe?

Sure you can!

All right, men.

Give me that extra effort. I'm counting on you.

Yo!

Come on, blitzen! Come on!


My gosh! What are you doing down here?

As if you didn't know!

Me? Yeah, you!

You ruined Christmas! But I never did. What are you talking about?

He said that kids didn't like him no more! You don't even know Santa claus.

Do so! Do not!

He said I was his only friend left, you dumb punk!

But I-- I was just-- I just wanted him to see what a good assistant I could be.

He's seen what you are. You're a dumb, stupid idiot, stink-face creep who made the kids hate the best guy ever!

Hey, what is this? Give me that! It's mine!

Where did you get it? He gave it to me.

See, I told you I was his best friend.

My elf-portrait. He does like me after all.

Huh? Come on, kid.

Where are we going? We're going to the north pole.

We'll both go. And for once, we'll bring Santa claus a present.

It's you! Thank heavens!

How is he? I don't know.

Where is he? My step-Uncle's got him. Those candy canes-- shhh. Tell me on the way.

They exploded? That's what they said. When they got hot.

I called the police, but I don't think they believed me.

We've got to hurry. Come on, boys!

Enough here to take care of all next year's Christmas orders. Santa claus can take a year off.

His first vacation. Won't that be great? Yeah, neat.

Oh, wow! Yeah, good, huh?

Ahhh! Put your seat belt on.

Hey, this is neat! Yeah.

It's them! Both of them! Oh, no!

What is it? Look. The candy canes! They're in the car with 'em.

Patch doesn't know they explode.

Fly, boys! Fly like the wind!

Fly like you've never flown before! Come on!

Okay, we know you're up there.

Now, come on down with your hands held high!

Unit 71, are you 10-4?

Let's go.

Open up! Police!

We know you're in there! We'll kick the door!

We're comin' in! Hold it!

Whoa. Whoa!

Whooooaaaaah!

What the-- oh, this is neat!

I can do anything with this car I want. Watch.

Fly, boys! Can't they go any faster?

They usually get a year's rest. They're doing their best.

Fly! Come on, boys!

Oh, wow!

Ohhh!

Come on! That's it, boys!

Come on, now! Come on!

That's the way. That's the way. Come on.

That's my good boys. Come on!

Yippee!

Oh, my gosh!

Joe! Joe!

Come on, boys! That's patch in there!

If you love him like he loves you, give it all you got!

Come on! Come on!

Come on, blitzen! Come on, donner!

Can we go higher? Of course, Joe.

Something's happening! Patch! Oh, no!

Do something! The super-dooper looper. It's the only way.

Come on, donner! You can do it!

I know you can do it! Come on! Faster!

Come on! Faster!

What's going on?

Here we go! Hang on! Here we go!

Give it all you got! Come on, now! Come on!

Hah! Hah!

Come on, donner! Come on! You can do it!

Santa! It's Santa!

Santa! Aah!

All right!

Santa!

Dash it away, donner! Dash it away!

Joe!

Oh! Oh, my boys!

I've seen some reindeer in my time, but you're the best, the best!

We did it! We did it! Ha-ha-ha!

Well done, donner!

Way to go, donner!

Patch, this is corny. Corny, meet patch.

Hi, corny. Nice to meet you, patch.

Yeah.

What about corny?

Can I stay? Just till next Christmas. Please?

And you can give her a lift home next year.

Well, dooley? As if I don't have enough to do.

Now I'm going to have to be a school teacher.

School? School?


Hey! What's going on?

Let-- let me down!

j& It's Christmas j& j& all over the world tonight j&

j& it's Christmas j& j& all over the world j&

j& all my life j& j& I learned if I was good j& j& did everything I should j& j& that dreams would all come true j& j& I can see j& j& a special time when we j& j& join hands around one tree j& j& and make Christmas last forever j& j& when Santa's flying in his magic sleigh j&

j& goes all around the world in just a day j&

j& from the north pole to the Southern tip j& j& he makes his trip with love to give away j& j& in his sleigh j& j& it's Christmas j& j& all over the world tonight j& j& all over the world j& j& it's Christmas j& j& all over the world j&

j& it's Christmas j& j& all over the world tonight j& j& all over the world j& j& it's Christmas j& j& all over the world j&

j& it's Christmas j& j& all over the world tonight j& j& all over the world j& j& it's Christmas j& j& all over the world j&

j& it's Christmas j& j& all over the world tonight j& j& all over the world j& j& it's Christmas j& j& all over the world j&

j& it's Christmas j& j& all over the world tonight j& j& all over the world j& j& it's Christmas j& j& all over the world k&