Saving Silverman (2001) Script

♪ Sing, sing a song

♪ Sing a song of songs

♪ Sing it out

♪ Sing it strong

♪ Yeah

♪ Honey, yeah

♪ Call the sun in the dead of the night

♪ And the sun's gonna rise in the sky ♪ Neil Diamond, Hot August Night, 1972.

That concert rocked. And rolled.

I know, 'cause I was there.

That's me.

My water broke.

Ever since then I've had this cosmic connection with Neil.

But this story isn't about Neil.

It's about me and my two pals, Darren and J.D.

Best friends since fifth grade.

That's J.D.

He's lactose intolerant.

And he's not very bright.

That's Darren Silverman.

He's the romantic.

But when it comes to women, he's incredibly gullible.

That's me, Wayne.

I'm loyal to my friends.

If you weren't a girl, I'd beat you up.

Me, too!


After that, I started working out.

We stayed best friends throughout high school.

Yep, I was the third-string quarterback.

J.D. became the school mascot.

♪ Hey, what you say?

♪ I don't remember that I hear you

♪ Yeah, yeah, you, yeah, you, yeah, you, yeah, you ♪ And Darren joined the cheerleading squad.

That's Sandy.

Yeah, Darren's always had a thing for her.

When you're up against the Warbird, you're upside down!

That's Coach Norton.

He was a big influence in our lives. He taught us many things.

Two things you got to remember, boys.

Number one, stay away from women.

All they want from you is your man juice.

Now, if you get any urges that you can't suppress with hard liquor, use this.

And number two?

Sportsmanship! Sportsmanship!


Healy! You fairy wimp fruit bag!

You suck!

Lefessier! Get out there!

I just gotta get my helmet.

Hey, guys! Guys... Guys, I'm in!

He's in! Wayne!

Go, Wayne! Go, Wayne!


But now we're all grown up.

J.D. is rapidly working his way up the ladder at Subway.

Recently, he was promoted to temporary second assistant manager in charge of training.

Okay McNugent, let's see what you got.


I've been working with these guys for eight weeks.

I'm proud to present to you the future of Subway sandwiches.


Three sizes of bevi are small, medium and what?


Come on, like we practiced. You can do this.






Okay, we'll come back to you.

Sir, this guy's my stinkiest student by far.

Trimble, let's see you sub.

No. No. Meat on the inside. Bread on the outside.

Okay, take it away.

Take it away. Take it away.

Take it away!

Don't judge me on those two guys.

This next guy is my protégé.

He's top of his class, and for his thesis, he made a party sub.

Heston, where's the party sub?

Darren is the social director at a retirement home.




Abe, pull your pants up or no more Matlock.

Good mornin'.

And I started my own business.

Okay, what are we dealin' with here?

I don't know what it is, but it sounds big.

Stay back. I'm goin' in.

Careful, sonny.

Hey, so you're causin' all this trouble?

Come here. Hey there.


You poor little thing, yeah.

Here's your ferocious beast.

Who is your mommy?

Is it dead?

No, but she is in one deep coon coma.

Don't! Don't! Stop it!

But we all have one mystical thing in common, our love for Neil.

That's our band, Diamonds in the Rough.

♪ Cherry, baby, she got the way to groove me

♪ No, we won't tell a soul where we gone to ♪

♪ Girl, we do whatever we want to

♪ I love the way that you do me

♪ Cherry, babe, you really get to me

♪ She got the way to move me, Cherry

♪ She got the way to groove me

♪ She got the way to move me

♪ Cherry, baby ♪ She got the way to groove me ♪

Hi. Hi.

Hey I'm Darren.


I was wondering, maybe do you want to grab a drink with me?

I'm sorry, I'm involved.

With a real entertainer.

I can't believe I got blown off again.

I'm never gonna find the right girl.

Dude, you don't want a chick who would fuck a mime.

Dude, what does a mime look like when he's having sex anyway?

It's probably like, "I'm a mime."

"I'm a mime."

Hey. Mimes don't talk.

They do when they're off duty.

It's not her. It's... It's all women.

I'm really afraid that there's nobody out there for me.

The only girl I ever loved walked out of my life years ago.

Sandy Perkus.

Remember her?

Her family was with the circus.

Her dad was the strong man.

Her mom was the bearded lady.

And her brother was the dogfaced boy.

Bye, Darren!

Before I could muster the courage to ask her out, she moved away.


You know, guys, I truly believe that there is a one-and-only someone for everyone.

And Sandy.

Sandy Perkus...

Was my one and only.

Man, that is really romantic.

Oh, my God! Look at that juicy piece of ass.

What do you think of her?

Who? Right there.

In the red?

Yeah, she's gorgeous. Go talk to her.

No. Okay, I'll do it for you.

What? Hey, wait!


Hi! I'm Wayne.


No, you don't understand. I'm not hittin' on ya.

Back off.

I just want to tell you about my buddy, Darren.

He's smart. He's sensitive. I don't care.

I think he'd make a wonderful husband. I don't want to meet him.


Dude, she wants you. She thinks you're really cute. Really?

Yeah, she's like, "I'm so excited to meet him," and everything.

Are you sure?

Totally. Get down there and make your move.

I don't know.

Come on! You can do it!

Carpe poon!



Okay, I'll do it.

All right!




I'm Darren.

Darren. My...

My friend said you wanted to meet me.

He lied.

That's that's a good one.

No, seriously, I don't want to meet you.

Well my friend must have been mistaken.

I'm really sorry to bother you.

Let me guess.

That jerk tried to get in your pants with some tacky pickup line.

I'm not like that. I use magic.

Beat it, baldy.

Okay, good stuff. Tough crowd. I like that.

I have here two ordinary metal rings.

You, me.

Hello. Hello. I "ruv" you.

Sorry. I forgot my beer.

This is my boyfriend, Darren, so hit the bricks, porky.

Okay. Nice to meet you, Darren.


I'm really sorry about hitting on you before, I...

You should be. I am. I am.

I just... I wasn't thinking, and...

You're so beautiful, and I...

I'm sorry.

So make up for it. Buy me a drink.

Yeah, okay. I'll have a scotch.

Excuse me. Can you give the lady a scotch, and I'll have another beer.

He'll have a gin and tonic. Make that a gin and tonic.

You got it.

Can you believe he hooked up with the queen of all hotties?

Hey, they're just havin' a drink together.

It's not like they're goin' steady or anything.


It's midnight. Know what that means?

No. What?

It's our six-week anniversary.

Did you get me anything?


That's okay. That's okay. No big deal.

But... I...

Got you a little something.

Thanks. That's really nice.

You know, I, I... I've been thinking.

We've been...

Well, we've been together for a while now, and it seems like maybe it's time we get a little... A little more intimate.

Are you saying you want to have sex?

Yeah. Yeah, I am.

I don't believe in premarital sex.

I'd rather not cheapen what we have together.

Of course. Of course not. Me neither.

So I think it's best to wait. I think you're right.

I think... I mean, you're...

It's best. Yeah.

But that doesn't mean that we can't pleasure each other in other ways.

I got ya!

I got ya!

Yeah, but... What?

That was really great.



That got me pretty excited.

That's nice.

I mean, I... I wouldn't mind if...

Someone did that to me.

I get it. You want me to go down on you.


Oh, God, I would love to but I can't.

I have very, very sensitive...


It's... You have gums? It's...

It's a medical condition?

No, I wouldn't want to cause you any pain, baby, no.

You're so sweet.

You know, there are other ways to...

Give me pleasure without using your mouth.

Oh, God, I am so inconsiderate. I'm sorry.

No, that's... That's fine. That's fine.

Have fun.

Watch your head. This place is a dump.

I really don't want to do this.

No. No, come on. It's gonna be great.

It's our Sunday ritual, and I want you to be part of it.

I want you to get to know these guys.

You're gonna love 'em, honey. You're gonna love 'em.

Yeah! Buddy! What's up, dude?

What's up, J.D.?

Judy, awesome to meet you.



And a beer bong for the lady?


Totally cool. No peer pressure.

Judith rules!

Sorry. Come on in.

Dude, Darren. Check it out, chewy.


You want a drink? Hey, man.

Scotch on the rocks.

No problem, you want ice with that?

I'll help him. I'll help you with that.

Hey, Judith, can I give you the grand tour? Sure.

Let's start right here in the Hall O' Neil.

This is Neil, '74. Check this out.

This is a set list from the millennium concert. Look.

Signed by Neil. Got that on eBay.

Looks like a Xerox.

No. This cost a lot of money.

Check this out. I think you got taken.

Ready? This shirt...

Was worn by Neil...

In concert.

Check it out. We snuck backstage, and totally stole it from him while he was takin' a whiz.

Well, in my profession, we call your obsession with Neil Diamond a delusional projection fantasy.

Yeah, sure, but he's America's greatest songwriter, and he's our hero.

And he's playin' the forum in two weeks. Yeah.

Of course, we can't go 'cause of the whole, you know, restraining order thing.

Neil, I love you!

Come here! You again!

Neil! Neil! Neil!

Neil, hey! Where ya goin'?

I wanna party with you! I wanna party with you!

Right. Game's on. Game's on!

What? I want to leave.

Sweetheart, we just got here.

These guys are pigs.

Come on. No, they're... they're not that...

Hey. Hey! What are you doin'?

Dude, if you get the nachos stuck together, that's one nacho.

Okay, look, why don't we just stay for a little bit?

Just a little while?

Take mine. Take mine. Take mine.

Give her the old sweep-a-roo.

Yep, old Ethel. We've been through a lot of games together.


Let me help you with her.

She's got multiple reclining positions.

That's okay. I can just sit forward.

Nah, that's all right. It's a little stuck.

No, no, it's fine. Takes a little muscle.

Come on, you fuckin' piece of shit.

I don't need... I prefer... I got it. It's no trouble.

I'm sorry. That hardly ever happens.

You know what? I think it's... Yep.

It's the lug nut. Fixed it.

Please, have a seat.

I'll stand.

I'm a...


Get me something. Yeah.

So Darren tells me you're a psychologist?

That's right.

It's interesting. I'm in a related field.

Really? What's that?

Pest and rodent removal.

How is that related?

We both help people.

While you help them deal with their emotional and intellectual needs, I protect them from gophers, coons, roaches, silverfish...

He launched it. All right, touchdown!

I don't want you to see Wayne or J.D. ever again, Darren.

What? But they're my best friends.

You're getting new friends, and you're quitting that bullshit band.

I know you're upset. I... I do, but I'm not dropping Wayne and J.D., and I'm not quitting the band.

Okay, fine, no more sex.


You're not allowed to go down on me for one month.

No, Judith, please...

Don't make me take away your masturbation privileges.

♪ My baby is loving me, yes, yes, she does

♪ She tells me all the time Cherry

♪ All the time

♪ She says she's going to be showing me tonight

♪ Oh, Cherry, what are you going to show me?

♪ Oh, baby

♪ You got the way to be moving me, oh, Cherry, baby ♪ You go, boys. You sing this song.

You know it. Come on, boys.

Come on! Sing it! Sing it!

This blows, man!

Judith's out of control. We gotta do somethin'.

Dude, besides ruining the band, what else has she done?

What? Ever since she moved in with him, she's controlled his life.

She didn't like how his ass looked. Made him get butt cheek implants.

I thought his ass looked tighter.

Check this out. Last night, torched his Neil Diamond albums.

She torched Neil?

You're right. The woman's a monster.

Two, three, four.

Hey! Yes!

Hey, guys, sorry I'm late.

It's all right.

I only have a minute. I have to get back and wax Judith's legs.

We miss you. We never see you anymore.

Yeah, I know. I'm sorry, I am, but I've just been so happy spending time with Judith.

You know? Plus, with my relationship counseling sessions...

Counseling? Yeah, yeah.

I go two hours, three times a week.

Who's your counselor?


Look. We don't think she's right for you.

Break up with her.

She's ruining our lives and yours.

And this graph should illustrate our point. Look.

Before Judith, our fun level was at an all-time high, 93.

It is now an eight.

Band numbers have plunged dramatically as well.

Girls, never very high, at nine, but look now. Two.

This has obviously led to increased whacking off.

I'm chafing.

Shit. I have to get home and heat the wax.

Guys, listen. Thanks for your concern.

Really. And I miss you, too.

But it was great seein' ya, all right?

That guy's in serious trouble. Yeah.

We need to save him.

Sorry to bother ya.

What are you doing here?

Well, first, we want to apologize for the beer shower.

And the salsa bath. That was bad.

Get the hell out of here.

Wait. Just give us a minute, okay?

My rate is $200 an hour.

Do you have any money?

I got some of that.

Just give me the big bills.

Six. Is that all you have?

37, 38.

Two and a half minutes.

Okay, look, we don't want you seeing Darren anymore.

We don't think you're right for him.

The band needs him.

But we're prepared to buy you off.

With what?

My house. Okay? Look.

My grandma here?

She was born in this house, is buried in the backyard.

There's my mom. There's my dad, and there's me.

My dad was droppin' me on my head.

But we're willing to sign this over to you, if you just agree not to see Darren.

I don't want your shitty old house or your dead grandmother.

I'll throw J.D. in.

He doesn't look like much, but he's hung like a horse.

It's true.

Look, Darren's mine. There's nothing you can do about it.

I own him. He does whatever I say.

I'm in complete control of him.

He's my puppet, and I'm his puppet master.

You're not takin' Darren away from us!

Just try to stop me.

One round. Winner takes Darren.

You're on. Kick her ass.


You've got quite a grip.

You must be a heavy masturbator.

My guess is... Three times a day?

I bet you're also a premature ejaculator.

Start off with a big bang.

Before you know it, you're limp.

Hey! I win. You lose. Now get out.



Hey, check it out.

Hey, baby.

Hello, ladies.

So how much?

50 bucks for you and 200 for your friend.

Okay. All right.

I want you to be laughin' like he just said somethin'...


Get this one! Be like this!

Like this! Like this!

Douche! Douche!

Yeah you... Slap his ass!

That's not sexy.

Yeah! Awesome!

Dude, watch it!

You're movin my guy.

Look it. Look it.


Dude. Check this out.

Hurry up. Let's go. Okay.

Okay, mailed. Check. Let's go.

Don't look back!

Hurry up! Come on!

Hey, Judith. How's it goin'?

Not so good. Look at these.

Oh, my God.

He's sick. He's perverted.

And he's cheatin' on you.

With two chicks.

I don't know. I guess I'd dump him?


Right? Yeah!

Do you guys think there's anything weird about these photos, though?

No. No, that's Darren, all right.


Darren doesn't have a tattoo.

Nice try, idiots.

If I ever see either one of you near Darren again, I'll kill you.

Hey, hey.

Hey! Hey.

Thanks for meeting me here.

I have something really important to tell you guys.

Man, you broke up.

No, no, no, no. Out of the blue, Judith proposed to me. We're engaged.

What? Dude, congratulations.

Yeah, yeah, starting next week, I'll be known as Mr. Darren Fessbeggler.

Right, 'cause you're gonna take her last name?


Judith feels, and I think she's got a really good point here, that it's sexist for the woman to take the man's last name.

Yeah, and anyway, it's too late to make any changes because we've already ordered the monogrammed towels.

Right. Yeah.


Sandy? Sandy Perkus.

Oh, my God. Darren! Hey!

It's been so long. Yes, it has.

Hey, it's Wayne.

High school, remember? You remember?

♪ You can dance if you want to

♪ You can leave your friends behind

♪ Because if your friends don't dance and if they don't dance ♪ Oh, right, the senior talent show.

Yeah, you were booed off the stage.

That was me.

Yep, Sandy, remember me, J.D. McNugent?

I was the guy who went to the prom with the tuxedo painted on my naked body.

I... I guess I missed it.

I spilled a drink, and the paint ran, and everyone could see my dong.

It doesn't ring a bell.

Remember that time in science class, I was lighting farts with a Bunsen burner, and I singed my ball sack?


Man. I still can't grow hair on my left nut.

It sucks.

So how are ya?

Great. Great. I... I just moved back to town.

That's great.

Sandy! Oh, gosh, I have to go, but...

It was... It was great seeing you.

Yeah, same here. Me, too.

Bye. Bye.

Take care. Yeah. Okay, bye.

Awesome. Yeah, bye! Bye.

Oh, my God! This is it!


It's your big chance. Sandy Perkus has just walked back into your life.

You even said so yourself. She was your one-and-only someone!

She used to be.

Now Judith is my one-and-only someone.

Okay, I'll... I'll talk to you guys later, okay?

Isn't one-and-only like one...

And only?

Here's your drink. Where's the lemon wedge?

Sorry. We were out of lemons, but I could run to the store.

Forget it. I want you to meet two exciting people.

Brett is a tax attorney, and Clayton's a CPA.

That... That is... That is exciting.

This is my fiancé, Darren.

Pleased to meet you. Same here.

Congratulations. Thank you.

Excuse me. I'll get that.


Hi. Is Darren here?

I think he left his Vespa helmet.

What's goin' on?

We're having our engagement party.

Then I guess our invitations must have been lost in the mail.

No, I think it's very possible, Wayne, that she didn't even send us invitations.

Thanks for stopping by.

Who's Darren talkin' to?

Those are his new friends.

Hey, guys.

Good. I'll have a merlot. I'll have a spritzer.

We don't work here.

Fooled me. Okay, my name is Brett, and this is Clayton.

And this is Darren.

Yeah, we know who he is, Clayton.

Darren's our friend, Brett.

We knew him first. Fuck you, replacement friend!

Eat this, fake Wayne!

Get out of here!

Get out!

Hey! This isn't over yet!

We're not givin' up on Darren! Yeah!

Come on! Yeah!

She thinks this game is over.

It's not over! No!

We are taking this into overtime!

Come on! Yeah!

Yeah! Okay, strategy session.

Okay, our enemy is wicked.

Dude, she's Freddy Krueger.

Damien. Dude, she's Vader.

No! She's the Emperor!

Yeah, but with really great tits.

Okay, now, Sandy, that girl, she's a nice girl.

Oh, yeah.

She's a sweetheart. Dude, a saint.

She's a goddess. A princess.

Know what, she's kind of like Mother Teresa.

Yeah, but with way better tits.

And Darren loves Sandy, no matter what he says. Definitely.

That is why we have to intervene... Yep.

And fix the problem! Definitely!

All right! Yeah!

We're gonna kidnap Judith and set Darren up with Sandy.



The bat is leaving the cave.

Roger that.


Alarm system has been deactivated. Out.

Roger that.

Dude, you don't have to do the...


It already does that. Out.

Copy that. I'm not gonna make the sound after I say stuff from now on.

J.D. McNugent, over and out.

That was the last one.

I'm scared. What if we get caught?

Not gonna happen.

I'm hungry.

We'll eat later.

Could we go to Happy Burger?

Yes, after the kidnapping.

I'm gonna get a Chubby Checker with...

With cheese.


You go downstairs. I'll check upstairs.

Do the Navy SEALs signals. Come on.

I only know the Air Force signals.

I'm gonna be on lookout. God.

I haven't located her yet.

Me neither.

Keep checking.

Wait a second, I think I see something in the back of the refrig...

In the back of the closet.

Check it out.

Nope. Coast is clear.

I'm gonna keep lookin' down here, buddy.

You keep an eye peeled up there.

Oh, shit!

What is it?

I'm hit. I need backup.

I'm comin'.

What happened?


Dead... Leg.

Help me, Wayne!

Oh, my God!

Get the door. Get the door.



"Darren, I'm leaving you." We're finished. Done.

"Don't call, write, e-mail or fax."

"I never want to see your face or your fake butt again."

Okay, get down there.

Dude, wait. Why me?

Because you're in charge of guarding Judith.

I'm dealing with Darren and Sandy.

But when we let her go, she'll be able to identify me.

No, she won't be able to, 'cause you'll be wearing this.

But after we let Judith go, the cops will be looking for a guy dressed in a bird suit.

So? So what am I gonna wear to work?

Your work clothes.

But tomorrow's casual Friday.

Get downstairs!

Who the hell are you?

Hi. Hey, Sandy!

Hi. Hi, yeah.

Thanks for meeting me. I know I just called you out of the blue.

That's okay.

I love catching up with old high school friends.

Yeah. Are you single?


Great. Look, I wanted to talk to you about Darren Silverman.

He's a really good guy.

You know what? He works with the elderly.

Really! Yeah.

That is so sweet.

You know, he still talks about you all the time.

Oh, Wayne, there's something I need to...

He even writes poems about you.

In fact, I think he loves you.

Wayne, I'm going to become a nun.


In a week I take my final vows.

I didn't even know that you were religious.

Well, I wasn't in high school.

But after I graduated, I went and I joined my parents in the circus.

And I became a trapeze artist.

I fell in love with my partner, Luigi Panini.

Ladies and gentlemen, the fabulous Luigi!

Everything was perfect, until...

Well, there were these talent scouts in the audience.

Luigi wanted to impress them.

He was a great trapeze artist, but he was completely vain.

And now Luigi will attempt the most dangerous stunt in the history of trapeze, the Quadruple Bierman.



After Luigi died, I knew I would never love again.

That's when I decided to devote my life to serving the Lord and helping others.

So you haven't taken your final vows yet, right?


So, technically, you're not a nun yet.

Well, no. I mean, not yet.

So why not just have lunch with Darren?

I just can't figure out why Judith left.

It doesn't make any sense.

She didn't even take her clothes.

Maybe she went some place where she didn't need clothes, like a nudist colony.

I don't think so. Maybe she got kidnapped.

You think?

No, no. Definitely not.

That's impossible. That's like...

Why would that happen in a world?

Maybe she's a lesbo.

Maybe she's a herm.

What? Yeah, hermaphrodite. Little dick, little puss.


Guess who I bumped into today?

Who? Sandy Perkus, and she wants to see you.

I'm engaged to Judith, Wayne.

She dumped you, dude.

Just have lunch with Sandy. What's it gonna hurt?

No way. Judith's coming back.

Yeah, what if she doesn't?

As long as Judith's alive, I'll never give up on her.

Okay? Okay?

I got it. Crowbar me.

Oh, my God. What is it?

This dead chick is really stacked.

Okay, go, go, go.

What are you doin'? Jacket's caught.

Well, take it off.

I love this jacket!

Lose it!

Why, why, why?

Damn. That was my favorite jacket.

A bizarre incident last night. Local resident, Judith Fessbeggler, was incinerated beyond recognition when her BMW careened off a cliff into a rocky gorge.

Investigators have declared it an accident, and no foul play is suspected.

And in unrelated news, the body of deceased local resident Joan Snerd was dug up in an apparent grave robbing last night.

Police have arrested three Cuban nationals.

Why are you doin' this?

So you can eat and have somethin' to wear.

No, why did you kidnap me?

I'm not supposed to tell ya.

I get it. The other guy is the boss.

No, I make decisions, too.

I suggested that.

An outhouse. Clever.


You must be very well-educated.

I suppose.

Ivy league?

More or less.

Which one? Yale, Harvard, Princeton?


Stanford University?

Subway University.

Oh, yeah, wait. I know someone who went there.

Did you know J.D. McNugent?

No, no.

Never heard of such a person ever!


Well, see you later, J.D.

Take it easy, Judith.


She knows who we are?

Dude, there was nothin' I could do.

She used her super intellect on me, man.

She's like Hannibal Lecter.

Great. Now we can't let her go.

So what are we gonna do?

Coach! Coach! Hey!

Well! If it ain't my favorite third-string quarterback...

And the best damn mascot Wheaton High School ever had.

He's still got it.

All right.

It's good seein' you boys.

I want to thank you for comin' to my trial.

Oh no problem, Coach.

We were happy to act as witnesses on your behalf.

Yeah, that ref blew. He deserved what he got.


No touchdown! No touchdown! He's out of bounds!

What? Out of bounds!

Coach, do you think after you get out of prison they'll let you get your old job back?

Well, boys, I don't think so.

So when are they gonna let you out?

Well, I've got an appeal pending, but it doesn't look good.

The victim's whiny family's protesting.

What's their damn problem?

So what brings you boys up here today?

Well, Coach, we need your advice.

Okay, shoot.

Darren fell in love with this girl Judith.

And we kidnapped her.

Kill her.

Okay, just wait a minute. Let me finish.

So, we screwed up, 'cause now she knows who we are.

We can't let her go, or she'll turn us in.

Is that it? That everything?


Kill her!

Well, we can't kill her.

Sure, you can!

You're Wheaton Warbirds. You can do anything you put your minds to.

Yeah, but, Coach, come on.

We can't actually kill a person.

What is it that I always said?

If you can dream it, you can do it.


You have the dream.

All you have to do is turn it into reality.

Okay. Attaboy!

Now go on home and snuff that bitch!

Come on, move. Thanks, Coach.

Hut, hut, hut, hut, hut!

Where's your bird suit?

I don't need it, because we're...

Because we're gonna kill you, right?


You guys aren't gonna shoot me.

Oh, yeah? What makes you say that?

Because you're not killers.

Sure, we are.

You've never killed anyone.

I killed a man once. Oh, really?

Yeah. Who?

Kevin... Beckley.

You didn't kill Kevin Beckley. He died in a car wreck.

She doesn't know that. God damn it.

You see? You guys have never killed anything in your entire lives.

Oh, yeah? One time I was drivin', and this squirrel ran out in the street.

I ran over him.

He didn't die right then, but he was limpin' and stuff.

I'm pretty sure he died right after that.


It doesn't matter whether we've killed anybody or not.

We're gonna do it right now! Ready?


Well, do it.

I can't! God!

God damn it!

Okay, it's Tuesday!


So you're meetin' Sandy for lunch.

Can't you see I'm in mourning?

Right, but you promised you'd be there.

You gave her your word.

I didn't even talk to her.

Okay, I gave her your word.

For God sakes, Wayne.

When are you gonna give up on this idea that I'll go out with Sandy?

When you go out with Sandy.

Now come on.

Come on. Come on.

Come on. Come on. Come on. Come on. Come on. Hey!

Come on. Come on. Come on. Come on. Come on.

Come on. Come on. Come on. Come on. Come on.

Come on! All right! Come on.

Darren. Hi.

Sandy, hey! You're wearin' the...

I'm training to become a nun.

A nun? Well, that explains it.

I hope it doesn't freak you out.

No, it doesn't. Actually, I'm relieved.

I think Wayne was tryin' to set us up on a date.

Oh, yeah. He's got some crazy ideas.

Yeah. Now that I know that you're unavailable, it makes this easier.

We can just be friends.

Yeah. Exactly, friends.


Thank you. Sure.

So how are your parents?

Oh, great.

They're making a fortune on the Internet.

They started their own website,

Good for them.

And how is your brother? Dogfaced boy.

He got rabies.

God that's too bad. Yeah.

For a while there, we thought we were going to have to put him down, but...

He recovered!

Good. Good.

So, how are you?

Me? I'm... I'm great.

Yeah, everything's been really good, you know?


Well, my fiancée died.

She died? Yeah, she's dead.

I am so sorry. Don't be.

Please don't be sorry.

It's... It's nothing.

So how do you feel about...

Oh, no. Oh, gosh.

Just cry. Okay.

Let it out.

I'm here for you, okay? I'm here for you.

Thank you.

♪ Hello, my friend, hello

♪ It's good to need you so Wait a minute. Wait.

You're a Neil Diamond fan, too?

The man's a genius.

Yeah, he's... he's the greatest songwriter/performer of this or any generation.

I know.

♪ It's good to love you

♪ Like I do

♪ And to feel this way

♪ When I hear you say

♪ Hello Oh, God.

I could've been free.


I brought you some more videos.

You got your choice, porno or monster trucks.

And I got one that's both. Thanks, J.D.

Hey. I really appreciate you taking care of me.

My pleasure.

Hey, you strike me as a pretty responsible guy.


Yeah, that's why I'm surprised that you let Wayne boss you around.

Wayne's not... No... He...

No one bosses me around. Wayne's not the boss of me.

Yeah, I think that you seem depressed and confused.

You think?

Not to mention, I think you're suffering from a self-defeating personality disorder.

Have you considered therapy?

I remember in high school, you were really into helping people.

At parties, you were always the designated driver.

Right. And I remember you were a really good dancer.

And strong, too. You used to be able to lift me up over your head.

Still can.

Oh, really?

Ready? And...

Oh, Darren! Help me!

Are you okay?

I can't... Just hang on.

Swim. I can't swim.

Darren! Darren!

Are you okay?

Thank you. Thank you for saving me.

No problem.

Let it out now. There you go.

Come on. Let's go, okay?

You're a lot stronger than you were in high school.

Yeah, well, the convent's got a great gym.


And ever since then, I've been afraid of toilets. Right.

What else can I tell you about the second grade?

You know what J.D.? Let's fast-forward.

Have you ever had a girlfriend? Yes.


Have you ever fantasized about having sex with a man?

Any man. Which man?

You mean like a tall man?

Sure, whatever.

'Cause I don't like tall people. They bother me.

Okay, how about a short man?

How short?

Sometimes people can be too short. That's weird. Like midgets.

Have you ever fantasized about having sex with any man?

Any man at all?

Does that include celebrities?

Can I ask you something?


I mean. Not that it matters now.

But if had asked you out back in high school...

Would you have gone out with me?


Not that it matters now...

You know... Right. Of course.

Thanks. Perfect.


Could you?

You know, turn around?

Right, yeah. Certainly.


I have these...

Sorry, sorry. Those are...


Can you...

Zip me up? Yeah of course.

I had a really great time.

Yeah, me too.

You want to have dinner tonight?

I can't.

Tomorrow, I have a test in my catechism class, and I have to score at least an 85 so I can take my final vows on Sunday.

What about tomorrow night?

Tomorrow night, I'm scheduled to take care of an elderly nun on her deathbed.

I understand.

But I'd really like to see you again.

I'll get out of it.

I always knew I was different, and now I know why!

I'm gay!

You're the only person who's ever truly understood me!

I know. It's okay.

Just let it out. Everything's gonna be okay.

It's all gonna be okay.

It's gonna be just...


Hey! Stop!



Judith escaped!


Get to the truck.


Okay, she can't be far.

I see her!

Where? Okay, steady! Steady!

I missed her.

Now, let's go, go, go!

You go this way! I'll go that way! All right!


Open up! I've been kidnapped!

Hold your goddamn horses.

Oh, thank God. Hurry up.

Tonight Mr. Chang gets lucky.

Young lady, so horny, so impatient.

Oh, scrotum!

Dude, she's stealing the truck! Come on!

Now! Do her!

I got her!

I got her!

Okay, Judith, it's over.

You might as well turn this thing around and head back to the house.

Now, come on... Hey!

Oh, thank God.

Hi, officers. You're safe.

I'm Cowboy Wayne. I just bagged me one of them killer goats that escaped from the zoo.

Good job. Yeah.

Okay, then. I'll see you later.

There. That should hold you for tonight.


Hey, what the hell happened?

Well, Judith was givin' me some therapy...

And helped me realize I was gay, and the next thing...

Wait. What?

I see what happened.

She messed with your head.

Wayne, I'm gay.

No, you're not. You're just unsuccessful with women.

No, I'm gay.

Judith got me in touch with the inner J.D.

How'd she do that?

She listened, unlike other people who've known me for years and have ignored all the tell-tale signs.

Like what?

Like my obsession with Bette Midler.

My preference for track lighting.

And the fact that I like sucking dick.


You've done that?

No... I mean not with another guy.

No, but remember when I bought that book on yoga?

Dude, that...

That's enough. I don't want to hear anymore.

Look, you wanna be gay? Fine, no problem.

But from now on, I'll take care of Judith myself.

Okay? Okay.

You want to be gay with me? No!

All right.

Come on, come on. Go. Come on.

All you, all you. All you, 11.

Okay. One more. One more. Come on.

One more, one more. Come on.

Feel the burn. Come on now.


What's the matter, dear?

You never used to be so winded after only five sets.

Well, Mother Superior, I'm having some second thoughts about becoming a nun.

Don't get me wrong.

This is a terrific convent, but I...

But? Well, I...

I'm having these feelings.

What kind of feelings?


You mean sexual feelings?

Yeah. Yeah, but it's so much more than that.

Yes, well...

My dear...

You're the only one who can decide if this is the life you want to live.

But, once you take your final vows,

there is no going back.

Now, let's go bust out some power squats.

There. That should keep you from escaping again.

And this...


This should keep you from biting.

How am I gonna eat? I thought of that.

What is that? It's breakfast.

It's pancakes, sausage hash brown, Pop-Tart, pureed.

I'm not eating that shit. I want a Big Montana. A what?

A Big Montana from Arby's with curly fries.

No. I'm not gonna get you one.

If you don't wanna eat what I made for you, then you can starve.

Why are you doing this?

It's the only way to save our friendship.

It doesn't seem like a friendship to me.

It seems like you're in love with Darren.


Just get over it. Your buddy smokes pole, and so do you.

I am so un-gay.

Okay, fine. Let's pretend for a second that you're straight.

When's the last time you got any?

That's none of your business.

So, it's been years?

I'm waiting for the right woman.

There is no right woman for you, Wayne.

My guess is, if there ever was, you've already met her.

And she's either killed herself or become a lesbian.

Oh bite me! Blow me!

Skank! Eunuch!

Stealer... Of my friend!

Hi. Hey, hi.

What happened to your head?

Well, I saw Judith.

Judith's dead.

Yeah, but... I could have sworn it was her.

I was... You poor thing.

You're still not over her death.

Maybe we shouldn't be seeing each other.

No. No, no.

No, God, I'm fine.

And look, I can deal with this. Okay?

Okay. Okay.

So, what are you having? Let's see.

There's the duck.

That was always Judith's favorite.

I'm sorry. I should leave.

No, you shouldn't. I'm so sorry.

God I will never mention Judith's name again, really.

I swear. I swear.

Hey would you excuse me for just a moment?

Please, I'll... I'll be right back.

Okay? In a... In a moment.

Damn it!

What do you want? Wayne, it's me, Darren.

Look, there's a problem.

I'm with Sandy, but I can't stop talking about Judith.

Okay. I'll be right there.

Okay. Open up your shirt.

Why? Just do it.

What is this?

Okay. Now...

Here's what's gonna happen.

I'm going to listen to your conversation.


If you say anything about Judith, or so much as mention her name, then, I'm gonna give you a little shock.


I don't think I'm comfortable having these things on my nipples, okay?

I can put 'em on your balls.

The nipples are fine.

Nipples work. Okay.

Hi. Sorry, sorry, sorry.

I'm back. I am back.

It was a talkative men's room...

Attendant. That's okay.

Excuse me. Hey.

This table's reserved, sir. Do you know what?

I come here all the time, and I spend a lot of money in this place.

So, why don't you just leave me the hell alone?

I don't mean to be pushy, but if this relationship is gonna get serious, then I have to give up becoming a nun.

And I'd have to decide soon because...

I'm taking my final vows on Sunday.

Yeah, that thought had occurred to me.

And if I do that, I need to know...

That you want marriage and a family.


I never thought I'd say this to anyone after Luigi died, but...

I love you, Darren.

I love you too, Judith.


I mean, Sandy. I mean.

Let's dance. Okay?

You're out of here. Hey! Put me down! I haven't ordered yet.

Time for an attitude adjustment, mister.

Hey. Nice move.

Damn, he's good.


Oh, my God. Oh, geez. Oh, my...

Oh, my... Are... Are you okay?

Yeah. It was a little weird.

Wait for me!

Darren. Darren, Darren, Darren. What's going on?

Okay, I can explain. See, it's aversion therapy.

See, Wayne was trying to help me get over Judith.

Judith? I had these things on my nipples...

Oh, my God. It's so much worse than I thought. No.

No, you're obviously not ready for this relationship.

No, I am! Sandy, wait!

Sandy... Okay...

Damn it!

Sandy! Sandy, wait... wait, Sandy!

Sandy! Wait, Sandy!

Sandy, wait!


Darren! Oh, my God!

Darren, what happened to you?

I ran here from the nightclub. But that's 30 miles!

Yeah, I know, I just...

Wanted to say... I'm sorry.

I'm sorry. Can you ever forgive me?

Oh, yeah. 'Cause the whole Judith thing and the nipple clamps...

It's crazy and... Yes!

Really? Yes.

Just like that?

Yeah, well, I am training to become a nun, you know.

Forgiveness is just sort of my thing.

I love you. Really?

I love you! I love you.

Love. Love.

Happy? You didn't have to do that.

Well, I just happened to be by an Arby's, and they were throwin' out some old food so, you know, I thought, why not?

Either way, that's nice of you.

Hey, I was wondering.

Why Darren? What do you mean?

You just don't seem like the type that goes for a sensitive guy like Darren.

You seem more the kind of woman that needs an assertive type of guy.

Before I met Darren, I was...

I was engaged to a guy like that.

His idea of a fun weekend was to fly to Thailand and compete in a kickboxing tournament.

U.S.A.! Go, Josh!




After that I decided no more tough guys.

Yeah, and then you found Darren.


So do you even love him?

Well, I think there's all different types of love.

I knew it!

Look, sometimes you have to make cold, rational decisions.

You can't always follow your heart. Yeah. Whatever.

Although I will admit there's something sexy about a man who takes charge.

Like you kidnapping me.

That took balls.

Big balls.

I gotta say it turned me on.

It did?


Goddamn these chains!

Give it a little key, little key...

Wait! What am I doing? I can't let you go!

Just give me one free hand, and I promise it'll be worth it.


Okay, give me the fries.

Okay, okay, okay.



Just wait one minute, okay?

Dude! Dude, you got a boner?


Why didn't you answer the door? I'm eatin'.

So? I don't answer the door when I'm eatin'.

Since when? Since always.

I never knew that.

You didn't know a lot of things. You didn't know I was gay.

Is there anything else you wanna tell me?

I got three balls.

Shut up! God!

Dude. Dude. Dude!

Hi, Coach. Coach! What are you doin' here?

Retrial. Got a judge that's a sports fan.

Congrats. What are you gonna do now?

That's why I'm here. Need a place to crash. Get my shit together.

Figure out my next move. I knew I could count on you boys.

Of course. Coach, our house is your house, We gotta talk about it.

You stay as long as you like.

Great! Where's the bathroom? I gotta take a dump.

We don't use the toilet anymore, 'cause we're cuttin' down on the water bill.

What the hell do you do?

Well, we just use the lawn now.

Smart thinkin'. Oh, God.

You've been pinchin' loaves on the lawn, man?

I play croquet out there!

What, are you crazy? The coach can't stay here.

We've got a woman locked in the garage.

Oh, yeah.

You boys got any T.P.?


That's all right. I'll find something.

Be cool. We'll find some way to get rid of him. Okay.

How about this? We tell him we've got dates tonight.

He can't be here 'cause we're gettin' laid.

Nah, he'll never believe that. Oh, yeah.

Okay, we'll tell him we've got ghosts.

Oh, boys! What's for supper?

Listen, Coach... We have ghosts.


We were thinkin' that maybe you stayin' here is not such a great idea.

Yeah. Nonsense.

It'll give us a chance to get to know one another again.

By the way, did you boys take care of that bitch that was gonna marry Silverman?

Yeah. Yeah. We snuffed that bitch just like you said.

Good. How'd you do it?

We... Ate her.

You ate her? Yeah.

We ate her. Alive.

My hat goes off to you. You boys are smart.

That's the perfect crime.

Wonder what's on the tube.

No! Coach!

What the hell have we got here?

Some kind of public access show or something?


Wait a minute. That's your kidnap victim, ain't it?

You didn't kill her, did you?

No, Coach.

I am really disappointed in you boys.

Now I want you to go out there and off that cooze.

Well, we can't, Coach...

Oh, for Pete's sake! Look, she's gettin' out!

Go chop her head off or somethin'!

There's no fight left in you boys. You're nutless!

You've been pussified!

Don't worry about a thing, boys. I'll take care of that broad.

No, no. No! Hey!


Who the hell are you? Judith, don't worry! I'm comin'!

Let's just say I'm a friend of the boys, and I'm here to kill ya.

You don't mind if I try to defend myself, do you?

Of course not. I love a good challenge.

Are you okay?


Watch your step.

Got it?

I'm so happy. Oh, me, too.

Does this couch fold out?

Oh, Sandy...

What the hell is going on here?

Wha... Wha... Judith!

Yes. Yes! You're alive!


Who is this tramp?

I'm not a tramp!

Actually, until yesterday I was training to become a nun.

I'm gone for a week, and you're screwing a nun?

No, no. We're in love!

I thought you were dead.

Really? I'm not dead. I was kidnapped, okay?

It was a living hell.

I was beaten and tortured...

And treated like a friggin' farm animal!

And the entire time, the only thing that kept me alive was the thought that somewhere out there, my sweet Darren still loved me and that one day we'd be together again.

It was so horrible.

Where are we going?

Where? I don't know. We've gotta find her. Come on!

Let's go! Okay, where to? Where to?

Go left! I'm goin' right!

They kept me in a dark closet for days, and they fed me, like, crushed potato chips under the door.


I should go.

Oh, no. Sandy... Sandy, no.

Please, please don't.

Don't... Don't... Don't leave.

Well, but, I mean, Judith's alive, and she is your fiancée.

Yeah I know. You're right. You're right.

But but you can't go, because I... Because what?

Because I... I... Why, Darren?

Yeah? See, you...

Yeah? Yeah? Well, we... Because...

Sweetheart, we pledged our love to one another.

Spare her the pain of seeing us together.

You! Run along, back to the nunnery.

Sandy she's right.

I mean, I did pledge.



He's here! Hey, Darren?

Sandy, hi. Look, I can...

Darren! Sorry. Darren, look...

I understand that you're really upset, and I probably look like a really big asshole, but I...

Dude? Dude!

Dude. Okay. I deserved that.

But now, let me explain...

Okay, I guess I deserved that one, too, but now we're even, okay?

Darren, stop!

We only did it because we love you.

Oh, right. Because you love me.

Yeah, man. Come on. Give me a hug.

Freeze! Freeze! Don't move!


Don't think that my presence here means I've forgiven you.

I... I just wanted to tell you guys, in person, that Judith and I are getting married tomorrow.

You don't wanna marry Judith! Admit it.

Of course I do. Okay.

Then look into my eyes and say it.

I wanna marry Judith.

Look into both our eyes at the same time and say it.

I'm out of here. Darren!

Come on. We're sorry, okay?

What we did was wrong.

We gotta stop that wedding.

Dude, how?

Let's go, you maggots! Kill! Kill! Kill!

Hello! Hey, Coach. Yeah, it's Wayne and J.D.

Look, we need your help. I'd do anything for you boys.

You're like sons to me. Name it, you got it.

Well, we need you to post bail for us.

It's 10,000 apiece.

No way! Come on, Coach. We need your help.

Jail life is real tough. They're...

Sodomizing us in here.

What? They're cornholing you?

Yeah. Oh, my God, that's horrible.

Don't worry about it. I'll get you out of there.

You got sodomized?

Who? I want to meet him.

What is that?

Sounds kinda like my truck.


Come on, boys. Let's go!

Get the lead out, boys! Hut, hut, hut!

Come on. Move it!

You're free! Now, where to, boys?

Go left!


Sandy Perkus, do you vow to lead a life of poverty, chastity, obedience and silence?

Wait! Wait!

Sorry. Sandy... Sandy...

Sandy, look you can't do this.

You love Darren, right? Well, yeah.

Well, Darren loves you. Really?

Darren's her boyfriend, but he's got this other girlfriend, and he's gettin' ma...

Look, so what are you gonna do?

Go, my child.

Okay. Come on! We've got a wedding to crash!

Go, go, go, go! Bye, everybody!


Lost another one.

Son of a bitch.

I can't believe I'm doing this.

Here. We got you some clothes.

Where did you get these?

J.D.'s sister. She's a stripper.

And a hooker.

Let's go. Go.

Oh, my gosh. Neil Diamond!

What the hell is going on?

Neil, let me explain.

You're the guys who've been sending me all those letters...

And tapes... And naked pictures.

What? We never sent you any naked pictures.

Dude. Sorry.

Look, Mr. Diamond, you gotta help us save our buddy, Darren.

He's gonna marry the wrong woman.

Look, Sandy and Darren, they broke up.

Love on the rocks. Ain't no big surprise.

But you gotta help us get them back together.

I don't know.

Come on Neil, turn on your heart light.

Judith brainwashed him. Darren was in love with me, but I never knew it.

Hold it, hold it, hold it!

Hold on! And did I mention I was gay?

I've spent my whole life writing songs about the healing power of love.

But, up until right now, they've only been words.

This may be my chance to prove that those words really mean something.

Now, you say that if Darren marries...

Judith. Judith he's gonna be miserable.

Right. I believe in happy endings.

And if Neil Diamond has anything to do with it, this love story's gonna have one.

Come on! Yeah!

We got Neil Diamond on board! All right!

Where are we goin'?

The park on America Avenue.

Five-oh! What?

Cops! Caprice. Five cars back.

Goddamn heat. One little prison break and they're all over you.

Coach. No matter what happens to me, don't look back.

Just get this sweet little gal to the man who loves her. Pronto!

I'd rather be cut down in a hail of gunfire than to go back to the big house.

Nice meetin' you, Mr. Diamond.

Hey! Wha...

♪ Far

♪ We've been traveling far Coach, look out!

They're not cops!

♪ But not without a star

♪ Today Hey, we're comin' to America.

♪ Today

♪ They're coming to America today ♪ Dearly beloved, we are gathered here today...

To join Darren Silverman and Judith Fessbeggler in holy matrimony.

If anyone has any objections, speak now.

I do! What?


♪ Hello, my friends, hello Neil! Neil. Get to the part where we say, "I do."

♪ It's good to need you so

♪ It's good to love you

♪ Like I do

♪ And to feel this way

♪ When I hear you say

♪ Hello

♪ Hello, my friends, hello Say, "I do." No.

Say, "I do."

I can't because I...

♪ I think about you I love Neil and I love Sandy.

You're in love with this slut?

I am not a slut.

Sandy is my one-and-only someone.

♪ Hello

What about me?

Who's my someone?

♪ Hello again, hello

♪ It's good to need you so

♪ I think

You ruined my life!

But I saved Darren's!

Just because I lost Darren doesn't mean I'm crazy enough to hook up with you!

Hey! Why can't you just admit that when you kissed me you liked it?

You're right. I have a weakness for incompetent morons.

Admit it!

I'm the strong-willed, assertive man that you need, and you're the hardcore bitch that I've always dreamed of.

♪ And I know it's late

♪ But I just couldn't wait

♪ Hello

What about you?

When are you gonna get hitched?

Actually, I'm not. I'm gay.

Me, too.


By the power vested in me by the state of Washington, I now pronounce you man and wife.

You may kiss the bride.

I now pronounce you man and wife.

You may kiss the bride.

I now pronounce you man and man.

You may kiss the man.

♪ Sing

♪ Sing

♪ Sing Come on. We need you for this one!

♪ Sing

♪ Sing a song

♪ Sing ♪ Sing a song of songs

♪ Sing

♪ Sing ♪ Sing it out

♪ Sing it strong ♪ Sing it Yeah. ♪ Sing it Yeah. Yeah! ♪ Sing it, sing it

♪ Yeah

♪ Yeah

♪ Call the sun in the dead of night

♪ And the sun's gonna rise in the sky

♪ Sun's gonna rise

♪ Touch a man who can't walk upright

♪ And that lame man, he's gonna fly

♪ He's gonna fly ♪ And I fly

♪ Fly ♪ Yeah

♪ Yeah, and I fly

♪ Holly holy love

♪ Dream of only you

♪ Holly holy, Holly

♪ Holy song

♪ Holly holy, Holly

♪ Holy rain



♪ I believe in happy endings

♪ Starry skies and dreams come true

♪ I've believed it since I first met you

♪ I believe in new beginnings

♪ Extra innings, brand new starts

♪ Loving hearts that care the way I do

♪ All these things and happy endings, too

♪ Sad songs bring me right down with the blues

♪ Glad songs take me wherever I choose

♪ And I choose to be there

♪ So that I can declare why

♪ I believe in happy endings

♪ You're the reason, love's the way

♪ And I'll believe it till my dying day

♪ I know the cost of tears and trouble

♪ Some get lost, some make it through

♪ Me, I made it 'cause I always knew

♪ That you believed in happy endings, too

♪ Sad songs bring me right down with the blues

♪ Glad songs take me wherever I choose

♪ And I choose to be there

♪ So that I can declare that

♪ I know the cost of tears and troubles

♪ I got lost but I got through

♪ And I made it 'cause I always knew

♪ That you believed in happy endings, too

♪ You and me

♪ And happy endings

♪ Too