Say It Isn't So (2001) Script

Looking at this picture, I know you might be thinkin':

"Sure looks like a lonely place to be, way up there".

If indeed you were, I'd have to disagree.

Truth is, when you stop to ponder it, there's really no such thing as a lonely place, just lonely people. That's what I believe.

You can be lonely any place: up on a rooftop, at a big family shindig, in a football stadium, with 60, 000 other humans all around, or even in a small town, like Shelbyville, Indiana.

Now, I'm not sayin' there's anything wrong with it.

In fact, loneliness is what ensures the propagation of our species.

I think that's why most people get married.

Because they're lonely, horny or out of money.

But mostly cos they're just damn lonely.

Of course, that is one hell of a milk-toast reason to link up with one person for the rest of your existence.

But people do it every day. They give in to their loneliness.

And the next thing they know, they're trapped.

Perhaps I'm being too picky. I talked to this counsellor once.

He told me that the fact I was raised in an orphanage has rendered me afraid of abandonment, and therefore fearful of commitment.

Now, you can tell by my tone, I don't think much of his opinion.

I'm ready to commit, just as soon as I find that one woman I can't live without.

That one woman that gives me goose bumps all over.

I simply refuse to settle for anything less, like most people seem to do.

Like my boss, Larry.

Be a sport, will ya?

I missed Ruthie's birthday dinner last night and she's makin' my life hell in a handbasket.

I know she'll go easier on me if you're there. Come on now, Gilly. Do me this.

Bring her a puppy, Larry. She'll love that. - What the hell is this?

It's a Russian Pomeranian, Larry.

Nah, I don't wanna put any American dogs outta work.

Come on now, Gilly. Be a friend. Come on over.

I don't know, Larry. Last time I... - Thanks, buddy.

A slice of family life and home cookin' will do your heart good. Bring some wine coolers.

We'll make it a wingding.

This is fine cuisine, Mrs P.

It's takeout, Gilly.

From Pizza Hut.

Larry hates my cooking. - That's not true, Ruthie. You know I...

That's why he never comes home for dinner. - I'm out there busting my ass.

If you're busting your ass, how come it's the size of a goddamn beanbag chair?

If you put out once in a while, maybe I wouldn't be seeking carnal pleasure in food.

All right! Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think a child should be made to picture her parents humping.

I don't tell you about my sex life. - You're not having sex.

Are you having sex? - Cher, tell Daddy you're kidding.

She's kidding. She doesn't even have a boyfriend.

You don't need to have a boyfriend to be having sex.

I'm just saying that a boy doesn't have to be a friend to be nibbling my package.

What? Are you... - I think she's saying she's a whore, Pop.

Buddy! - Pervert! I am not.

I'm just popular.

Like Gilly here.

He doesn't have a girlfriend, but I'll bet he's having sex.

Well, occasionally, sure, but...

Well, ultimately I believe in waiting till one is married before...

How come you don't have a girlfriend? Dad says you're confused about your sexuality.

No, I never said that. - I believe the term he used was "fagnostic".

Right. Fagnostic. - Larry!

That's it! Go to your room, you two! - What? Why?

She's just repeating what you said.

You always take her side! You let her get her ears pierced.

You try to stop her! - I got my ears pierced because I like it, OK?

And I got these pierced because I hate you!

Hey, that was you on the Internet!

I am sick of bein' treated like dirty bath water.

I chase poodles all day so she can drive around in a brand-new Saturn. Fully loaded!

The usual, hon.

This kinda thing makes a man wanna bludgeon his family and get drunk.

That's pretty serious talk, Larry. Maybe you should speak to a professional about this.

You mean a hit man?

No, man. That's the easiest way to get caught.

Unless you did it. - I was talkin' about a shrink, Larry.

Get real, man. That's for crazy people.

Hey, maggots. - Hey, Stewart.

What the hell happened to your hair?

You like it?

I just got it cut, by the most beautiful woman on the face of God's green earth.

Looks pretty weird. - Yeah, thanks.

She called it a European cut. Says it draws attention away from my ears.

What'd she use? A fuckin' chisel?

Who the hell cares? I tell you, she's well worth the price of a hat.

She's new, over at Mega Kutz.

I can't trust the opinion of a guy who scrapes up road kill for a living.

You can trust me with this one.

Man, she got the face of an angel.

Just gives you goose bumps all over, you know?

Like it? Who's next?

Uh, right here. - Come here.

So how do you like it?

Oh, you know, just...

Just like it is, only not quite so long.

So you want it shorter, then?

Yeah, shorter. I think shorter's the way to go.

So you cut a lot of hair?

I guess so. I mean, I've been working here a month or so, ever since I moved back.

Oh, so you're not from... Uh, where are you from?

Oh, I'm from here. I was livin' in Oregon for a while. Beaver, Oregon.

But then I moved back because I had to help out with my daddy.

He had stroke number two and he's paralysed now, so...

That's a... That's a shame. It truly is.

Well, it's his own damn fault. He's so tense all the time.

It's like he's got fire ants runnin' through his veins.

Oh, I'm sorry!

How's that, um... I'm sorry.

What did you say your name was?

Actually, I didn't.

It's Gilly.

OK, Gilly. I'm Jo.

Could you hold that there for me?

How's that for length? - Beautiful.

So I see you have a cat.

Well, I had a cat. He ran away two weeks ago and I haven't heard from him since.

Oh, he'll be back. You know cats.

I've had him since he was a pup. I don't know what I'd do without my little Ringo.

Ringo? That must be a pretty popular name for a cat these days.

It is?

I work down at the animal shelter and I just took in a cat yesterday named Ringo.

Too bad this Ringo's missin' a tail.

That's my cat!

Hey, watch the corner! - Yeah, yeah. She said put him in ER 4.

Gilly! Are you OK?

Were they able to sew it back on?

No, but they tell me I'm first in line for an ear donor.

You lying sack!

Well, listen. What are you doin' tonight?

Just healin', mostly.

Why don't you come over to my house? I'll cook you dinner and you can bring Ringo.

Listen, Jo. I don't want you to feel you owe me dinner just because I found your cat and you cut off my ear. - I do owe you dinner.

Just say yes, or else I just might cut off your other ear.

OK. Uh... 6.30? - Yeah, 6.30's great.

Don't worry. I'm a much better cook than I am a hairstylist.

I just don't know why you're doing this. - Doin' what?

Cookin' dinner for this fella. You oughta be fixin' dinner for Jack.

The man who wants to marry you, not some dog-catcher who makes 18 grand a year and comes home smellin' like cat piss every night.

Promise me you'll be polite. - Of course I'll be polite.

Of course I'll be polite. Gosh!

Jack called again today. I talked to him for a long time.

He asked me why you left him.

I wish you would tell him, because I can't make any sense out of it.

Are you listening to me?

Hold on. - Oh, would you... just put the thing down!

You listen to me now.

Good men are few and far between in this world.

When you find yourself a keeper - the way I found your sweet pop out there, then you grab ahold of him and you treat him the way he wants to be treated.

Valdine! - What?



What is it, gimpy? - I want a beer, goddammit.

Now, look. You curb your language or I'll take this Voc-a-lator 3000 right back to Wal-Mart.

You hear me? Jeez!

What in the name of God...

I was watchin' that. - Yeah, I bet you were.

You've just had a stroke. Do you want another one?

I want you to stay calm. - Get me a goddamn beer.

Gilly! Ringo!

All the dogs at the animal shelter chipped in for a little going-away present.

Well, thank them for me, and thank you.

Just doin' my job. - How's your ear?

It's OK. I got all the pus drained out of it.

Close the goddamn door.

You have a robot?

Daddy, I'd like you to meet Gilly Noble.

It's a pleasure to meet you, Mr Wingfield.

He's a little shy around strangers.

I'm gonna get Ringo some half-and-half. - OK.


Oh, golf, huh?

It seems every time I play, I get Tourette's syndrome.

You know. Fore!

Shit, damn, crap.

Fore! Shit, damn, crap.

Hey, dork.

Turn it to Channel 7, dipshit.

You can say "dipshit" with that thing. That's neat.

Come on, have some more. You probably don't eat this well very often on your salary.

Mama, leave him alone. - Aw, that's OK, Jo.

I'll find room.

So, Willy, what do they pay you down there for gassin' strays?

No, ma'am, I don't gas them.

What do you do? Hit 'em with a bat?

No, I meant I'm not the one who actually puts them to sleep.

I, uh... I couldn't do that.

And as for the pay, it's not much, but it plays into my long-term career goal.

Which is? - I wanna be a veterinarian.

You'd be a great vet.

Doctor Noble.

Thanks, but it's not gonna be easy.

Four more years at the junior college and I'll have my two-year degree.

And then I'll transfer over to State, and with a BA in general studies I should be able to get into any vet school in Mexico.

Sounds foolproof.

If Gilly says he's gonna be a vet, then I believe he's gonna be a vet.

Excuse me a minute.

Care for a taste of my pie?

No, thanks. I'm full.

Suit yourself. I'm gonna have a slice.

Easy on the corns, Dr Dolittle.

The Lord, our Lord, has blessed me with the divine gifts of tracking, finding and retrieving.

Come on, Vic. Just tell me what you have so far.

I'll tell you what I got.

Now, I'm about 90 per cent on this.

But I believe that your birth mother is still alive and living somewhere in the local area.

And her name is...

Suki Yamaguchi.

That sounds a little...

Japanese-y to me.

This detective, Vic Vetter, is lookin' for my family. But so far, no luck.

What if you find out you're the son of the guy who invented shoe polish? You'd be rich.

I wouldn't care if he just shined shoes for a living.

Not havin' a family's left a big, empty space inside of me.

It's really important that I find them. - You will.

This is the first time I've ever been up here with anyone.

You don't like it up here, do you? - No, no, it's fine. It's fine.

Just being here reminds me of a bad time.

I was seven and we had to put our dog Humpy to sleep.

I still haven't gotten over it.

It's ridiculous, I know. - No, that's not ridiculous at all.

Every Friday I see animals being put to sleep here and I wish that I could take 'em all home with me, but I can't.

And every time one of those animals dies, I feel like a part of me dies too.

About a year ago, I wrote this poem that I recite to all the dogs before they go.

It helps me and... I like to think it helps them too.

I'd love to hear it.

No, it's not very good.

I don't care.


O noble creature The time has come For the two of us to part And for you to go to a better place A place deep inside my heart A place where you'll be free to run After a car or a bouncing ball So go, noble creature Through that doggy door And fetch a stick that's thrown by God And wag thy tail for ever more While a friendly voice repeats:

"Good dog, good dog".

So that's it. And after I read it, I usually fire off a one-gun salute with a pistol we keep here at the shelter.

I know it sounds silly, but...

It doesn't sound silly.


Very funny.

This is a great day. It was a good idea.

Shall we have the champagne? - No.

Let's wait till later.

You know, the day I cut your ear off, I never dreamed we'd be spending six months together.

Yeah, that is pretty funny.

I've had such a good time with you, just hanging out, having fun.

No strings attached.

Most guys are so possessive.

You know, they talk about marriage before the first year is even up.

There was this one schmuck, he actually went out and he got a plane and a banner.

It was so lame! Talk about pressure.

I'd love to, Gilly. - Love to what?

I'd love to marry you.

That's my Uncle Joe's plane up there.

Joseph Wingfield is your uncle.

I'm named after him.

You know, it probably should have occurred to me.

Boy, you don't quit, do ya?

Oh, that's it. That's the spot.

Oh, don't go back there! We gotta save some for the honeymoon.

What are you sayin', Gilly?

Nothin'. I was just... messin' around with Ringo.

Hey, Jo.

Who's Jack?

What Jack? - You know.

On-your-ass Jack.

Well, he's my ex-boyfriend from Oregon.

I've been meaning to get it removed. You're not jealous, are you?

You're the one with the half-naked Suzanne Somers over his bed.

Come on. Now don't bad-mouth Suzanne.

She got me through my awkward teenage years.

Do you mean you beat off to her? - Not to brag, but... up to five times a day.


Do you wanna try to break that record?

Hey, it's Gilly. Leave a message.

Hey, Noble. It's Vic. I know it's early, but are you there, buddy?

Pick up. I got a package in the mail. - I love you, Jo.

Surprise! I found your mother. - I love you, Gilly.

I touched all the bases on this one. I'm 110 per cent sure.

Your mother's name is Valdine Wingfield.


You gotta understand.

I had just had little Jo and we were strapped for cash and then I found out I was pregnant again - with you!

Old R2-D2 couldn't keep it in his pants back then, and now he can't even wipe his own ass!

I just didn't know how I was gonna feed everybody and you were such a hungry child!

I figured the best thing to do was to give you away.

You know, to somebody who wouldn't resent you for your burden.

I mean, one of you had to go and Jo was already house-broke.

This can't be happening.

I know how difficult this must be for you.

But think how lucky you are that you found out before it was too late, before you got married and consummated this forbidden relationship.

Sweet Lord! You ponied your sister.

Oh, my God.

Hey, maggot. What are you doin' out here?

Nothin'. - What you got there?

Well, I'd say Cougar. What do you think, Wingfield?

It's a coyote, Stewart.

There are no cougars in Indiana.

Hell, I'm talkin' about the car. Looks like Cougar tread.

I used to work in a tyre store, you know. - Yeah?

Well, I used to work at the animal shelter. - Hey, Gilly, you know I had no choice.

Know how it feels when newspapers call you the boss of a sister-fucker?

Whole damn town thinks I'm runnin' a sister-fuckeria.

Coulda stuck by me, Larry. It was gonna blow over.

Come on, Gilly. Who are you shittin'?

Not that I blame you. I mean, if I had a sister that looked like that... whoa!


You're right about that.

You know, I'd say, sister or no, I'd still like to get a crack at her.

That is, if she ever comes back.

Is she still up in Oregon? - As far as I know.

All right, maggots! Chop chop!

Dearest Gilly, I'm sorry I left without saying goodbye.

I just couldn't face you after all that's happened.

The feelings that once seemed so right became in an instant so wrong.

Though it pains me to say it, we must never see each other again.

And though we must never forget the love we shared, we must, like noble creatures, move on to another plane.


Valdine! - What? I'm busy.

Put lots of salt on that sandwich.

You want a lot of salt? - Yes.

Here you are, honey. Nice and salty. - Thank you.

Hey, Gilly.

How was your day at work?

I don't know. It was pretty slow. Just snakes, mostly.

Well, dinner's almost ready. I made that nice chicken thing you like.

Hey, Dad. - I thought you were gonna get a haircut.

Now, Walter, hush.

Gilly's been through a lot. - Includin' his own sister.

I'd better get it.


Hi, honey. How are you?

How's Jack?

Good, good.

Oh, he's fine.

He's been through a lot, but he's hanging in there.

I know you miss him. But guess what.

He's regained the use of both of his arms now.

Both of 'em. You know, they move every which way.

All right.

OK, well, what is it?

You're getting married? Oh, Jo-Jo, that is so wonderful!

It's Jo-Jo. She and Jack are getting married!

Oh, my God. Isn't that wonderful?

Sweetheart, I am really, really happy for you. I am.

OK, sure. I'll talk to you tomorrow. Bye-bye.

Yes! Yes!

Sweet Jesus! The Wingfields have arrived!

I'm rich, I'm rich, uh-huh.

Talkin' to ya, mama! Oh, yeah! Come on!

Pervert! - Gilly, how's your sister?

Jo knew you'd understand why she couldn't possibly invite you.

I know. - I think you should be happy for your sister.

Oh, hell. After what you put her through, it's a wonder she didn't quit the sausage and become a vaginatarian.

Oh, good God.

Gilly, listen. Things are really looking up for her.

She's got a little beauty parlour up there and a guy who's crazy about her and, quite frankly, a millionaire several times over.

Quit babying the boy, Valdine. He banged his own sister, for Christ's sakes.

What do you want? To give him a medal?

Listen to me. This could be a whole new start for us all, so I want you to keep your chin up.

Do you know what the Bible says about fuckin' your own sister?

Don't! - Hush up, droopy.

He's my baby, my precious gift from God.

I'll get it. I baked you some ginger snaps. They're cooling on the stove.

What do you want? - Sorry to bother you, Mrs Wingfield.

My name is Leon Pitofsky. - Oh, my God.

Did I come at a bad time? - No.

It's just... you look remarkably like my dear husband when he was a much younger man.

Well, that stands to reason, ma'am.

Look at this.

It's all there. Blood tests, hospital records, DNA.

Look. Here's your signature, givin' up your rights to me.

Oh, my Lord.

Then it's true.

You are my son.

I've finally found you, Mama!

Well, if he's your son, then who the hell's this sack of shit?

I'll tell you who he is. He's a grifter.

He's a shyster that's been freeloading in this house for a solid year!

Oh, wait. Mom... - I knew it!

Get outta my house, you goddamn hippie!

Hippie? Whoa, hold on.

Walter, get that impostor outta here.

Dad, relax. - Hey, buddy, you heard my mama.

Now get the hell out.

Get your hands off my daddy, you bastard!

Walter! He's havin' another stroke. - Dad, what's the problem?

Call 911. My God! You! You can get the...

Get the police! I'll have this grifter arrested!

Police. - Get an ambulance!

Oh, my God.

Oh, shit.

Hey! Mr Magoo!

You knocked my freakin' legs off, daddy. Were you even lookin' at the road?

I'm sorry. I've never hit anyone before.

Well, I'm glad to be your first. Hope I was gentle.

Now, be a friend and fetch my getaway sticks, daddy.

Your what? What do you... - My legs, captain, my legs!

Oh, shit.

Less faeces, more fetchin'. Get over here and get it, boy.

I gotta straighten this damn thing. It's bent all to hell.

Watch out, watch out. - Watch out?

Boy, that is a hell of a thing for you to say to me.

Well, in all fairness, you were in the middle of the road.

How else was I supposed to flag you down? I was a desperate man.

Another 20 minutes and them bloodthirsty mosquitoes woulda sucked me dry.

How long have you been out here? - Oh, about two hours.

My airplane ran outta gas. I had to land in a clearing.

You're a pilot? - You're goddamn right I'm a pilot.

My card, right there.

"The Big Dig"? - That's right.

Dig McCaffrey. I make a lotta coin flyin' those gigs nobody else wants.

Take sportsmen out to the bush, fly banners over supermarket openings, crop-dustin'.

I'll fly up your ass if the money's right.

Hey, that's pretty good. Do you think I oughta put that on my card?

So where am I takin' you? - As close to Beaver as you can get.

And a man as sexy and fertile as me likes to stay close to the beaver.

That's a good one! - That's right where I'm headed.

Say, you look like you're draggin' there, chief. Why don't you let me drive?

Oh, no, that's fine. - I'm wired.

Nothin' like gettin' bounced off a bumper to put a cat on full tilt.

So, where's your launch pad, Kerouac?

My what? - Where you from, baby? Where you from?

I'm from Indiana. - You remind me of a fella I knew down in El Paso durin' my import-export days.

Never been there.

So, who's the skirt?

How did you know that I was... - Dig knows many things, baby.

Plus you got that look of a man with a diamond engagement ring on his pinkie.

Oh, yeah. About a year ago, she was the love of my life.

Then I found out she was my sister.

Then, about three days ago...

You! You!

Just a little case of the white-line fever, that's all, baby!

Dig just needs a little music. Rock and roll, baby!

I'd like to see somebody fall asleep to this shit here. Ted Nugent!

Hey, you!

Are you crazy? I'm wired like a microwave, baby!

Well, before we depart, I want you to know two things, El Paso.

One: I am one-eighth Chippewa Indian.

And when you save the life of a Chippewa, it must be paid back tenfold.

I owe you big time. - That's not necessary, but thank you.

No, no, no. Heap big. Heap big, daddy.

I appreciate everything you done for me. I do.

What was the other thing?

You said you wanted me to know two things.

No, I don't think I said that. I was sayin'...

Oh! Oh, yeah.

When you find that sister of yours, you get outta this town, ASAP.

Some spooky cats around here. - What kinda spooky cats?

The kind with money and power.

That sounds like the kinda guy Jo is with.

Well, good luck flippin' that coin, daddy. I'll see you later, El Paso.

Oh, Dig. Thanks for not suing me.

A pleasure bein' hit by a man of your calibre.

Beaver Police. - Yes. My name is Valdine Wingfield.

I'm calling from Shelbyville, Indiana. I'd like to report a sexual predator.

His name is Gilbert Noble. He assaulted his own sister.

He's still very dangerous and he's on his way to Beaver this very minute.

His own sister, huh?

You know, I didn't know Jo Wingfield had a brother. Isn't that sweet?

Do you have a description of the pervert? - I can do better than that.

I have his mug shot, taken last year when he was arrested protesting for animal rights.

Sounds like a bad apple.

That's great. Why don't you fax that over?

Listen. I'd rather this didn't get back to Jo.

She and Jack have so much on their minds, what with the big wedding.

I'd appreciate you being discreet about this.

Absolutely, ma'am. Beaver Police are known for their discretion.

Comfortable, Mrs Hartunian? - Yeah.

How you doin'? How's your family? - Fine.

Would you like the standard bikini wax?

No. I'm goin' to Hawaii with my husband. Better landscape the whole yard.

So... do you ever miss cutting hair, Jo?

No, not really. I mean, my heart wasn't into it, like it is with bikini waxing.

I guess you could say that some people are cutters and some people are yankers.

I was just born to yank.


Mama, how could you not have told me he was coming?

I'm sorry, baby. I know I should have.

I just kept praying he'd come to his senses and get over it.

Poor, crazy guy.

Crazy? What do you mean, crazy?

Oh, yeah.

I hate to tell you this.

Your brother Gilly now has an imaginary friend. Leon.

He's been going all over town and telling everybody he's not your brother, but this fellow Leon is.

Poor Gilly. - Don't you worry about him.

Your mama has enough love and compassion for that wounded bird.

I guess I should worry about how to break this to Jack.

You can't tell Jack. It would break the poor man's heart.

Rich. Hey, Rich, wake up.

Oh. Hi, Jack.

I want you to go on over to the hotel.

Tell Chaney I sent you. He'll put it on my account.

I don't wanna take your money. - I'll tell you somethin'.

I got my business and most of my money from my father.

The least I can do is to give something back. - No, I'll be fine, Jack.

I just need another ten minutes. - No, come on. You do as I say, all right?

Go clean yourself up. Come see me in the morning and we'll talk about gettin' you a job.

Thanks, Jack. - Hey, gimme that.

Keep marching. I'll have my brother Jimmy come back and check on you later, all right?

Hey, Jack. - Hey, how you doin', Gina?

I'm great, I'm great.

Look, I was wondering if maybe me and you could go to the diner, grab some coffee.

You know, like old times. - Oh, Gina, I'd love to.

Yeah? - But, as you know, I'm engaged to be married this week. I'd hate to embarrass my bride-to-be.

Yeah, well, actually your bride-to-be was gonna be the topic of conversation.

I had this picture on my cell wall.

It was my hope for the future.

See, everybody else had pictures of their wives and their girlfriends.

This was my reason for gettin' out.

You had a picture of a car on your wall?

Damn, Jimmy! Did you beat off to it?

Hell, no!

I spanked it to that baby right there.

This is the only car in the world that makes me flex my love muscle.

Jimmy loves you. - Jimmy, get off the car.

I was just givin' it a full body dust.

Just try not to spooge on it. - Spooge on it!

Shut up.

Listen, Jimmy. I got a security problem I want you to deal with.

His name's Gilbert. Jo's brother.

I didn't know Jo had a brother.

Some families have brothers they don't like to talk about.

Just make sure he disappears, all right?

Done and done. - Jimmy...

Feel free to rough him up a little bit.

Excuse me, sir. Hi.

A friend of mine has a salon here in town. Her name is Jo Wingfield.

I don't suppose... - Yeah. She works at Beaver Cuts.

You just take a left on Main, you go down about three blocks on the right.

In fact, I just went by there on my lunch break and I saw Jo in the window.

Great. OK, thanks a bunch.

Sure. Yeah. Say hi to Jo for me. - I will, for sure.

Hey, buddy. You know where a fella gets a beer around here?

I'm sorry. I'm not from around here. I was...

Damn right you ain't from around here!

Come on, Freddy, let's go!

Hey, Jack.

Somethin' you wanna tell me, Jo? - Is something bothering you?

I know about... about you and... your brother.

Oh, God.


I'm sorry. - Sorry?

I'm the one who should be sorry, Jo.

You poor thing. It's not your fault.

You had no way of knowing he was your brother.

It's like a Greek tragedy. I think about it, it breaks my heart.

And how devastating it must have been for you. For both of you.

God, that poor guy!

I'm sorry, Jo. - Oh, Jack!

Senor! Mister!

Can I have your peanuts, porfavor?

Peanuts Go ahead.

Sure. - Thank you.

Please put your seats to the upright position in preparation for our arrival in Puerto Vallarta.

♪ Louie Louie

♪ Oh, no

♪ We gotta go

♪ Ay-ay-ay-ay

I don't get it. Why can't I stay at Jack's house with you?

You don't get it? What, did your adoptive mother drop you on your head?

No one can see you till after the wedding.

Until then, your job is to find Gilly Noble and keep him out of the way.

Bye, Dad.

Valdine, slow down. - Shut up, Walter!

Christ! - Have fun!


Look at my hard worker. - Honey, why are you home?

I closed the shop early so I could get some of the wedding chores done.

Great. Take that cute little dress off and come on in.

No, I gotta get some things done.

Tell you what. While you're out there, pick your mom up somethin' nice for her arrival.

That's sweet, Jack.

Now scoot before I pull you in here with me.

Take your time, why don't you!

Come here.

Jack! My future son-in-law!

Look at you. - Oh, my! It's been a long time.

I'm so excited about the wedding.

Ouch. - Sorry.

Watch it, jerk-off!

I'm gonna get ya. I'm gonna get both of ya.

Sorry, Walter! Oh, man, that musta hurt!

You all right?

I'm gonna kick your ass.

What's that, Walter? You say you wanna lick my ass?

Everything's cool, Jack. We got it under control.

Too bad you got that neck brace on. You could be movin'.

I'm gonna get ya.

Bring him to the guest room, Jimmy. Right up the stairs.

Thank you.

Uh, hi. - What's up, buckaroo?

I have an appointment with Jo Wingfield. - Jo's not here.

OK. Do you think that you could give her a note for me?

I guess so. - Good.

Can I borrow a pen?

Thanks. - You're welcome.

Hey. Hey!


You are the sick man!

Prevert! Prevert! - No. Wait a minute. No, I...

I'm going to dial 9-11! 9-11!

I'm calling!

Oh, man.

All units, subject last seen behind Beaver Cuts.

You diggin' my system now, ain't ya? - Hey, Dig.

What? Stand down, Frito Bandito. Can't you see I'm playin' keno?

Dig, it's me, Gilly. - I don't know no goddamn Gilly.


El Paso! Sit on down. You look like you're all grown up, boy.

This is a disguise, Dig.

Apparently there are people in this town that don't like me.

I need your help. I gotta find my truck.

Ooh, truck.

Yeah, trouble. - What's the problem?

Well, you see, Jack Mitchelson, right? He had a charity event last night.

A dollar a pop to take a whack at the truck with a sledgehammer. Shit, a good time.

People paid to beat the hell outta my truck? - Set me back ten bucks.

I think I threw out my shoulder with your quarter panels.

Whacked it once, and again, then it broke.

That son of a bitch! I cannot believe Jo is gonna marry that Mitchelson creep!


She's marryin' Jack Mitchelson? - Yes, in two days, Dig.

I gotta find a way to stop it and I need your help.

Whoa, whoa, whoa.

Slow down, Speedy Gonzales!

You can count Dig outta any plans to jack up the jig for Jack. He's a good man. Am I right?

Good friend of mine. - Yeah, he's the best.

Folks like him round here.

Look. Why don't you just leave well enough alone, OK?

Let her marry Jack.

Bein' with him is like winnin' the husband Super Lotto.

Listen. If you really love this girl as much as you say you do, just tell her goodbye and good luck.

But I don't know if I can live without her.

Hello? - Jo!

Hey, Zahf. How's it goin' at... - It was the prevert, Jo!

What? - He was here, at the shop!

When? - He was dressed like cowboy.

Oh, my God.

Damn bees! Ugh!


Morning, Mama. Morning, Daddy. - Morning, Jo.

Where are you headed off to? - I just got somethin' I have to do.

Wait, wait. I'll go with you.

No, it's something I have to do on my own. - I could go with you, keep you company.

It's just errands. It'll be boring. - Not to me, sweetheart.

See you later.


Walter! - Bees!

Oh, my God! Stay absolutely still.


I gotta go get my camera.

God, this is too great for words!

Thanks for pickin' me up. I've been walkin' for ever.

Jo! - Gilly, I've been lookin' all over for you.

Mama told me how you've been tellin' everyone about your imaginary friend, Leon.

That's what she said? - You gotta accept the truth.

We can't be together, ever.

I'm glad that you said that because, um...

If you really love this girl as much as you say you do, just tell her goodbye and good luck.

You're right.

Then what are you doin' here in Beaver?

I just wanted to...

I just wanted to say goodbye...

and... good luck.

I want you to have a good life, Jo. I really do.

And I promise, after today I'll never bother you again.

Don't make it sound so sad, Gilly.

We'll still see each other at... family funerals and stuff.

Goodbye, Jo.

I love you.

I love you too.


Dig! What the... - Settle down, El Paso.

Here you go, Benjy.

Now remember, you promised not to smoke those till you're 12.

All right. Right on.

You wanna tell me what's goin' on? - He's an evil dude. He is one evil dude.

Who is?

Mitchelson! - Jack?

He's the snarliest cat this town has ever seen, baby.

But you said he... - That was just show business.

You gotta toe the line for John Q Public.

This town's got elephant ears, baby. Damn cryin' shame.

You can't trust anybody any more.

Come on, El Paso. Slide over to my place.

El Paso, you got your work cut out for you, baby.

Jack Mitchelson got millions from his daddy. He's what we call a multimillionaire.

And, in my experience, women like dead presidents more than broke boyfriends.

No romance without finance, daddy.

Hey, Jo's not like that.


Love may be blind, but it can still smell that money, baby.

Not to mention... there's a lotta cash in sellin' grass.

What does that mean? - Hey, Sherlock.

Jack Mitchelson is the biggest marijuana grower in the Pacific Northwest.

You are not seein' the forest for the weed here, man.

This dude's a pot grower, a reefer salesman, a doobie doctor.

That's why Jack keeps Beaver squeaky-clean: to keep Johnny Law from sniffin' around.

How does he get away with it? - Half the town's on the payroll.

The rest... scared to death of that wombat.

Man! We've gotta figure out a way to get Jo outta there.

Amen to that.

What we need, my friend, is a plan.

I'm gonna sit on down here and study on that for a minute.

Aw! That's a nice doggy. - Hell of a watchdog. Nothin' gets by him.

Hello, ladies.

Do you wanna dance?

Be gentle with him, boys. - Come on, sweetcheeks.

Wait a minute.

Look, if you're tryin' to scare me, you've done a terrific job, OK?

Fellas, this is uncalled-for! Come on!

Look, this is unfair. All's I want is ten minutes with Jo.

Hey, who doesn't?

Come on, Jimmy. Let's get down to business.

That's what you get, you dirty little pervert! Right on the head!

How come you hit Streak? - What?

Maybe you oughta be wearin' your glasses.

Yeah, but they make me look stupid.

Pervert on the run! Go get him, Freddy!

Keep away from me!

You can't stop me from seein' Jo.

I'm gonna marry her, you'll see!

You're sick, man!

He wants to marry his sister. - He'd better not come back!

Yeah, that's right, or we'll tie you to a tree, fuck you in the ass while we jerk you off!

Show you what we really do to perverts around here!

You sicko! - Keep runnin', boy!

Oh, man!

Hey, you!

Hey, Dig! - El Paso! Up here!

Dig, what are you doin' up there? - What do you mean, what am I doin' up here?

You ever try jumpin' off a roof with no legs? It stings!

What do you wanna do about this? - Don't worry. I got a leg for all seasons.

"Jo. I'm not... your brother".

"Marry me".

Dig, this is great. Thank you so much.

Finally I'm gonna be able to set the record straight.

You sure there are two r's in "marry"? - Yeah, there's definitely two r's.

Good enough.

Listen, Dig. Are you sure you can fly with that thing?

I'm Dig McCaffrey, boy! I could fly a can of Spam like this!

How'd you lose those legs, anyway? - Plane crash.

Come on, let's light this firecracker.

We're all set. You ready? - All right.

Let's go, Dig.

They can hug all the trees they want. It's the government I worry about.

Soon it won't let us wipe our ass without a permit.

Barkeep! Less talk and more vodka.

Yes, ma'am.


Get you a drink while I'm at it? - Yeah, I'll have a nice, stiff one.

Jack, Jack, Jack.

You are in such good shape. How do you stay so fit?

El Paso, I got somethin' here that's gonna get their attention.

That's my man Wagner! That's good, huh?

We'll come in low out of the afternoon sun.

Check it out, El Paso. - Hi, Jo!

Check out my banner!

I love you! I've missed you!

I'm the one, Jo! - Oh, my God.

The banner! It says it all!

That Jack's no good for you, Jo! I'm the one!

Jo! I love you!

He really is crazy.

I knew that boy was trouble the minute I laid eyes on him.

Bill, we've got a code nine in progress. Mobilise all units.

We done pretty good, huh, Gilly? - Oh, yeah, Dig.

Holy shit! It's Beaver Five-O!

What's goin' on, Dig? - What's goin' on? Start eatin'!

Gilbert Noble, please step out of the airplane with your hands behind your head.

Well, ship my ass to big red China!

They want the white boy.

What do they want with me? I didn't do anything.

I don't know. See you, stranger.

All right, get your hands up!

What's goin' on here? - OK, boys, grab him!

Hey, take it easy!

What's goin' on?

This isn't fair! - Neither is stalkin' your sister, son.

All right, Bill. Straight to the nuthouse. Jack Mitchelson has offered to pay for his therapy.

Good morning, gentlemen.

Today we're discussing why it is wrong to have sex with someone related to you.

My wife was related to me. I had sex with her.

That's not the same thing, Mr Murphy.

Once a week we'd have sex, until she died.

Then it was three or four times a week.

We're quite familiar with your case, Mr Murphy.

Can we have pancakes tomorrow? - We had pancakes yesterday, Mr Campisi.

Today I would like to talk about how Mr Noble can overcome his unnatural compulsions toward his sister.

He could kill her.

Mr Chin...

Can we have pancakes tomorrow?

Hi. I know you.

From before. You hit me with a lead pipe.

I didn't hit you.

You callin' Jimmy a liar? - Uh, yeah.

I don't want any trouble now, OK? - Hey.

You got any naked pictures of your sister?

Of course not.

Wanna buy some?

Ten bucks apiece.

Where'd you get these? - Jimmy brung them to me.

You know, to keep me company.

Not bad, huh?

He also brung me these 'ums.

Jo's panties. Used, too.

Gimme those! - Ten bucks apiece.

No way! These don't belong to you! That's my future wife!

You owe me a lotta money for them nakeds.

All right, here's ten dollars. That's all I have. Now leave me alone.

Pancakes! Pancakes! Pancakes!



Oh. Is that you?

Don't worry, buddy. The cavalry's here.

Come on. It's time for you to make your break.

There we go.

Dig, what are you doin' here?

I told ya, a Cherokee always repays his debt.

I thought you were one-eighth Chippewa. - Right, and one-eighth Cherokee.

Dig's a complex cat, baby.

Hey, are you the pancake guy?

What's he doin' here? - I went to the wrong room.

Come on, let's get you outta here.

How does it feel to be off the rock, baby?

You are out! You are free!

Feels great, Dig! Thanks a lot!

Listen. I woulda sprung ya sooner, but after I ate all that weed, it took me two days just to pass the stems!


Holy shit! Dig, follow that car!

There he is. Pull over. Pull over!

Ah, yes. The Eager Beaver.

They used to shoot porno pictures there. Did a screen test once. Never heard anything.

That is Leon. That's him, Dig. That's Jo's real brother.

He's my proof. Now all's I gotta do is get her down here and show her.

Well, hell's bells. You better scoot.

Accordin' to the paper, that wedding's in less than three hours.

Here, take my pony. - No, Dig. I couldn't do that.

Take it. Possessions mean nothin' to the Navajo. You go and get your woman.

I'll make sure whiffle balls stays where he is.

And you get your ass off there, Campisi. Quickly! Today, son!

OK, Dig, thanks a lot. I'll be back as soon as I can.

Good journey.

All right, Campisi. We got an assignment.

God, what the hell is this?

All right. Come on. Move along.

Move 'em out, little dogies. Let's go!

Come on! Get outta the way!

All right, now that's it!

I'm tired of bein' nice.

Now get off the road!

Get your smelly ass off the road!

I said get your butt...

Come on!

OK, come on, just relax.

Hold on.

Just where you think you goin', Leon? - Who the hell are you?

I'm your warden till my friend Gilly gets back.

Gilly? - That's right. I said it.

Don't you... I'm warnin' ya.

Son of a bitch!

Get away from...


Those are my legs! Thief!

Looky there! Cowpuncher!

Check the prostate while you're there!

Hey, you're turnin' the herd on!

What happened? Your sister turn you down?

What? No!

That cow forgot to wipe its ass!

Come on. Giddy-up! Giddy-up!

Hey, pervert! Why don't you buy her dinner first?

That's pretty funny. Why don't you get on with your life?

It's a puppet show! - Grab her tits!

Gilly, what are you doing?

Nothin'. What are you doin'?

I thought you were gettin' married. - I am, in an hour.

Zahf was just doing my make-up.

You're supposed to be at the hospital, getting better.

Jo, listen. I got great news.

I... I found Leon.

I found Leon, and I got him dead to rights.

That's great, Gilly. Why don't you pull your arm out of Leon's butt and we'll take a drive to the hospital?

No, Jo, this isn't Leon. This is just some cow that...

I got my hand... stuck in.

Jo, Leon's at the Eager Beaver. If you come with me, I will prove it to you.

Gilly, stop it, please! You can't do this any more. You have issues.

But, Jo ... - Gilly ...

Remember when you first took me up to the roof of the animal shelter?

And you told me how important it was for you to have a family?

Of course. - Well, it's important to me too.

And that's why Jack and I have decided to have a family of our own.

Yeah. But, Jo, listen. - Gilly, leave me to have my family.

Are those my missing underwear?

Jo, I can explain these.

I didn't steal them. I bought 'em off the same scumbag who sold me naked pictures of you.

Oh, Jo ...

In my country, for violating a sacred beast, you get beaten to death with bamboo sticks!

You are so sick mentally! Prevert!

Oh, my God. The ring!

Man! That was one evil trip.

Well, this is it, Daddy. The day every girl dreams about.

You'll like living up here.

You'll have the best medical care and Mama won't have to work so hard.

Is this what you want?

What do you mean?

I mean... are you happy?

Why wouldn't I be happy? I mean, this is a great thing, for all of us.

Show time, Mr Wingfield.

Hey, pervert. - Hey, Streak.

What are you doin'? - Ain't no mental home that'll hold Streak.

Wait a minute. That's my truck. - Get your hands up!

Was your truck. Mine now.

Oh. It looks really nice.

She's my home now.

So technically you're standin' on my front lawn.

Back your ass up off my property and into them woods.

OK, Streak. Just take it easy.

You shouldn't have cheated me on those panties. Gimme back my stuff!

OK. Just relax. Everything's all right.

The pictures and the underwear and everything. See?

I'll take that too. - That's my ring!

It's my ring now, pretty boy. Why don't you turn around? We're gonna take a nature walk.

Streak, come on now. I gave you everything you wanted.

And do you, Josephine Wingfield, take this man to be your lawfully wedded husband?

I do.

And do you, Jack Mitchelson, take this woman to be your lawfully wedded wife?

I do.

If anyone amongst you can show just cause why these two should not be joined in holy matrimony, speak now or forever hold your peace.

So, with the power vested in me... - Stop.

Sorry. It's the machine. It malfunctions when the battery's low.

Just go right ahead.

She's... in love with...

Here we go. Problem solved.

There. Just go on. I now pronounce you blah-blah-blah.

Very well.

I now pronounce you man and wife.

You may kiss the bride.

Well, what do we got here? Gilly Noble.

Look at you tasty beauty, you.

You ain't gonna mess up my sister's wedding, you pervert!

Here's my wedding present, Mama!

Is Daddy all right? - Yes. It's just all the excitement.

He'd love to join you, but he's not up to it.

One, two, three...

I'd like to propose a toast.

A toast to my baby girl, to little Jo, who has finally found the man of her dreams, a man that is not only the...


See ya!

What's goin' on?

Sorry to bother you, Jack.

Mrs Mitchelson, I'm afraid we have some... bad news.

Your brother - Gilly. There's been an accident.

His truck... blew up.

Body was burned beyond recognition, ma'am.

By the time we got to the scene, coyotes had torn off some of the major body parts.

They even ate his... - Gina!

I think that's enough description of the deceased for right now.

Okey-dokey. - Are you sure?

Are you sure that it was Gilly?

We found this ring on his finger bone, with your names inscribed on it.

I scooped up what I could. Ashes, mostly.

Put 'em in my Thermos.

Thought you might like to keep 'em for a remembrance.

He killed himself. I know it!

It's all my fault. - No, that is not true, ma'am.

Your brother is in that Thermos on account of a fella I have in custody here.

All right, boys. Bring him out.


Did you say "Leon"? - Mama!

I was just followin' him! It was an accident!

I didn't mean to bump his car, and then it exploded.

He's your brother, Jo.

Walter! - Your real brother.

Daddy? - We hid the truth from you because Valdine wanted a crack at Jack's money and, Lord help me, so did I.

So are you sayin' that Gilly was never my brother? How could you do that to me?

We did it for your own good. He was a dog-catcher.

You're crazy! You're just crazy, OK?

I'm sorry, Jack. - No.

I'm just very confused right now. - No, don't apologise to him.

He set the whole thing up. - That's a lie!

Ask him if the name Vic Vetter rings a bell.

Shut up, Walter. - Jack sent Vic false information about Gilly.

You tell her, Valdine. You tell her the truth.

What are you talkin' about?

You're sick! You're fucking sick!

I hope you all make one big happy family. Just don't include me.

Walter, you goddamn idiot! Look at you! - She deserves a better life.

How dare you ruin my wedding? - Blow me.

You did this! I'm gonna kill you!

Son of a bitch! I'm gonna kill you!

Mama! Mom!

Ma'am! - Mother?

Gina, better call them ambulance boys.

We got a 911 over at the Mitchelson estate. We need an ambulance ASAP.

It looks like a possible coronary, or some sort of jiggling...

Holy shit!

It's the ghost of El Paso past! - Hi, Dig.

"Hi, Dig" shit! I thought you was barbecue!

So everybody thinks I'm dead. - I thought you were, myself. Campisi too.

I guess it's probably all for the better. Now Jo can really get on with her life here.

I've no idea how I'm gonna get home.

Dig McCaffrey, at your service.

"I'll fly up your ass if the money's right". I can't believe you put it on.

That's good, huh?

Are you serious? - It's the least I can do after whalin' on your truck with a sledgehammer.

Oh shit. Come on, El Paso.

The bird's out front and all gassed up. What you gonna do?

Let's light that firecracker. - You bet your ass.

O noble creature The time has come For the two of us to part

And for you to go to a better place A place deep inside my heart

Gilly, deep down, I always did believe you. - I know that, Larry, and I do appreciate it.

If you don't mind, I'll sneak you in the back door.

Jo? Hey, is that Jo?

Oh, my God! Jo!


And fetch the stick that's thrown by God




Oh, my God.

Jo, I thought you killed yourself.

I was just givin' you the one-gun salute.

I can't believe you're alive!

Now, Valdine, don't be so sad. You're not losin' a daughter here. You're gainin' a son.

Blow it out your ass, Walter.

Hey, Gilly. Hey, Jo.

First of all, congratulations on your nuptials.

I wanna wish you much happiness. - Thanks, Vic, but we got guests.

I know you got guests, but I got some good news.

I found your mother. Your real mother this time.

Free of charge. I got signatures, I got documents, DNA evidence.

I don't know, Vic. - Listen to me, Gilly.

She flew all the way from California to meet you.

My baby!

My precious gift from God!

Suzanne Somers is my mother?