Scare Me (2016) Script

They'll see you now.

And then, the witch crushed the poor son of a bitch's eyes in her hands, and the gross eye juice started oozing out from between her fingers.

Then, she slowly opened her sticky hands.

Like she was holding a wad of taffy.

Well not taffy, more like runny eggs, or like runny eggs mixed with taffy.

Okay we get it we get it. And then she...

Violent man you got there, Liz.

He's just showing off for you guys.

You should see him when I get him alone.

Total teddy bear.

Just when I had that air of mystique going for me.

It's okay, heard it before.

You looked pretty scared to me.


No, I was just playing along.

I mean, witches are nothing new, right?

I wasn't gonna say it, but that story you were telling on the car ride out here, I saw it online before.

Oh yeah?

How do you know I'm not the one who wrote it?


Speaking of unoriginal, aren't you up next?

Sam is.

Hey man, listen, I'm not gonna shit on your story.

I'm just saying you need to amp it up for tomorrow.

Either way, it's whatever, you know, not bad.

You're being too hard on him, Tim.

I thought it was scary.

One up, one down.


Actually, I've gotta go pee.

Okay, but you're up next.

I'm nowhere near ready yet.

Wait, why didn't you go while we were discussing Brandon's inferior story?

You better have something seriously scary up your sleeve, dude.

You guys can wait a few minutes.

Plus, I'm sure this measurement conversation isn't over yet, anyway.

I'll be right back.

That's fine, you know.

In the meantime, I guess I'll just have to show 'em how it's done.

Hey, I said wait a sec.

Don't worry, I'll just tell 'em something you already know.

Just a little teaser.

Guys, there's someone out here.

There's a lot of people out here, Sam.

It's a camp ground.

You probably just scared each other.

You okay, Samantha?

You look whiter than me.

You'll be fine, Sam.

Just take a seat.

I can go with my story now if you want me to go first.

It's good timing since you look pretty scared already.

She's certainly a lot easier to scare than this asshole.

I saw it online before.

Oh my god, oh my god, no, no.

From a sitting Senator, nonetheless.

Just one racist dog whistle after another.

Is she on all day?

I mean, come on, folks.

We know who compromises most of Senator...

Turn that off, we gotta get going.

Come on, this is the last chance I'll get for a while. The news is crazy right now.

We're gonna be late.

Yes, ma'am.

Did you print out their info yet?

I tried to, but the fucking printer is out of ink as usual.

You know, it's only when you're in a rush that damn thing don't want to work.

That's why I asked you to do it yesterday.

We had the phone.

Which will be dead when we need it.


There's always tomorrow.

Optimism, please.

In other news, the psychedelic...

You know, it's always the time you don't want to go we have the most fun.

Then this will be perfect.

Oh, that's the spirit.

Now go grab some bags.

It was the fifth biggest mass murder of the year, so you can imagine the horror.

But if you can't, we'll be back with some footage from the attack after these messages.

Viewer discretion is advised.

In light of some breaking news, we here at the "Powers Report" advise all our viewers to stay away from PTC this year.

We have gotten wind of numerous terror and bomb threats from the police department, and it's all over social media as well.

There will also be a major protest outside the doors by various religious groups, trying to shine a spotlight onto what they are calling acts of the devil going on inside that arena.

It will likely get explosive, folks, one way or another.

So if you were planning on going, but it feels a little overwhelming, then please just stay in this weekend.

And remember, there's always tomorrow.

I can't believe they expect us to swallow that.

I got something you can swallow.

The news.

They're trying to scare people away from going to the festival.

Come on, I thought you wanted to take this trip so you could get away from the fucking TV.


Though, I don't really watch TV.

It hurts my brain.

It's like the more news we have, the less fact checking there actually is.

I think it's a big diabolical plan to help spread negative energy to the world.

Definitely doing that, whether they know it or not.

Where the fuck is the waiter?

He's around.

He looks super busy.

He's got like three tables.

Anyway, I just think people need to tune out.

I think reality's a lot brighter than they want us to believe.

Yeah, I think peoples priorities are backwards.

I mean, people expect more realism in movies than in media.

You know, we have one phony gun shot or blood spurt and people are all up in arms.

But we have so many news stories with no evidence or witnesses.

That's why I don't trust any of it.

I mean, life's just a video game anyway.

Why worry?

Because you don't get any extra lives.

Says you.

Box. Thank you.

You're welcome.

Oh I'm not done with that.

I'm sorry, sir, I thought you were finished.

Oh you did?

Well maybe you shouldn't think too much, Bobby.

You might hurt yourself.

I apologize, I'm really sorry.

Actually, what were you thinking the last 20 minutes when I couldn't get a fucking refill, huh?

I was busy.


Just kidding.

Just don't get between a man and his food, am I right?

You're right.

I'm sorry, I apologize.

Well I'm gonna hit the hay.

Let you ladies talk about me behind my back.

It's easier that way, right?

He's gonna win the competition.

Sorry about that.

Donnie just has a short fuse.

He'll be fine once he gets back.

It's just the way he is.

It feels like this album is just the same thing over and over.

It's not repetitive, man, it's a journey.

You just gotta let it take you, don't fight it.

Oh, that was not on purpose.

That was.

Oh, hey you good man?

I'm gonna go grab another slice.

Yeah we're just about ready to take off.

Hey, tell 'em to close the tab for me.

You got it.

And nevermind.

You ladies get that tire put on yet, or do you need a man to do it?

Hey. What?

You ready for later?

Are you kidding?

You're fucked. Donnie!

What, he knows he's fucked.

Just kidding bro.

I'll let you guys go in first.

Me too, you're the experts.

Maybe we could just draw straws?

Hey, ya'll making it sound like torture.

You got the door, come on.


Who wants a sandwich?

I hope we didn't forget the mayo.

That's a bummer.

Howdy folks.

Can I help you find anything?

Hey, how you doing?


Sorry, roadkill.


My kids and I, we just got here.

Gonna get camp set up, looking for the lake for now.

Gonna do some hiking, maybe a little picnic, huh?

Of course, plenty of fishing there.

How about you, ever go fishing?

Don't be scared.

But look out for the trolls.

This is a haunted place, after all.

Sir, please, she's just a kid.

And she scares easily.

Don't be scared.

They like s'mores.

Set a couple out at night when you go to sleep, they'll leave you alone.

Just having a little fun.

The lake's down that way.

Make a left in the fork down the road.

You'll see it, there's a sign.

Okay, cool.

Well, thank you. You got it.

Just doing my job.

Oh, by the way, I was just kidding.

Don't leave food out.

The bears will get ya.


There are people around.

So? Plus, you stink.


What do you think, Sandy?

I have a sensitive nose.

I'll keep that in mind.

You girls really smell me over pizza?

I just smell pizza.

You just can't smell yourself.

I'd rather smell you.

Not now.


Barry, where the fuck is this campsite?

I gotta piss.

Huh, no sign of Tim or the others.

I know, I can't reach 'em either.

Ooh, it's beautiful up here.

Are you sure this is the right place?

I mean, shouldn't their tents be here or something?

I mean, I thought so.

Well, let's set up camp before it gets dark.

Hopefully they'll be here soon.

Yeah, hopefully you're all ready.

Oh for the contest?

Oh heck yeah man.

I found a couple really good stories online.

No, it doesn't count if you copy it, man.

Alright alright alright.

You know, Barry, you don't really strike me as the campfire storytelling kind of guy, you know?

Oh shit.

Dude, you know I've been trying to do right by you guys.

Putting all this together, getting everyone pumped, and driving all day, and you have to go and say some racist shit like that?

I thought you were different than that, Roger.

You need to check your privilege.

Dude, fuck, I'm sorry man.

I didn't mean it like that.

I'm just messing with you, dude.

Quit being so fucking PC about it.

You're terrible.

Just put 'em on the ground.

I told you, we should've got coffee.

You know I don't drink that stuff.

Are they fucking?

That, or they're really into pitching tents.

Yo Rog, old buddy, old pal.

Let's go fetch some wood.

God damn it, did they move the cones?

Yep, there they are.

Fucking city kids.


What do you two think you're doing?

Making a fire at a campsite.

Yeah, it seemed reasonable at the time.

Funny girls.

I assume you two have a reservation.

Yeah, my boyfriend Barry, he arranged everything.

He should be back soon.

Oh, well that must have been real tough for him, considering we don't open 'til next weekend.

I don't understand... Hey.

You can't stay here, alright?

The site's closed.

Now there's another site a couple miles south of here, it's open year-round, first come first served.

Well that's what we thought about this site.

I don't understand.

Did you guys change the policy?

I don't have to explain myself to you.

Now why don't you all go and pack this stuff up and mosey on down the road?

Ahoy there.

Hey Coop.

We got a couple of freeloaders over here.



Yeah, the site ain't open, and it isn't free.

My brother was the one that set it all up.

We should be good.

Oh, how convenient.

Always someone else's responsibility, huh?

What? Okay, everyone.

Let's just calm down.

Hi, Ranger...



Well Roger, everyone, I'd like to welcome you guys to the Evergreen Campgrounds.

And since it's about the end of my shift, how about I give you guys hand with that fire?

This site's not supposed to be open.

They're almost setup.

Just let it slide this time.

Coop, can I talk to you?

The other guy seems cool.

Let's just go ahead and set up.

Do what you want. Yeah.

That way, this way.

I'll follow wherever you want to go.


I just took some stuff that's gonna be kicking in in about 30 minutes.

Do you care to join me?

Thanks for the offer, but I don't think so.

Right on.



Let me help you.

Thank you. Here.

Are you sure it hasn't kicked in yet?

Oh, no, I'm at peak physical performance right now.

Hey, do you listen to synth wave?

Ah, no I don't, but it sounds cool.

It is, it's like my favorite genre.

Well hey, good luck with your tent.

I'm gonna go catch the sunset.

Perfect time for meditation.

Sounds awesome.

Damn it.


There we go.

Hey, don't mind Seany.

He takes his job a little too seriously.

I got that fire going.

You need a hand with that tent?

I'd really appreciate it.

Yeah, it comes together really quick when you know what you're doing.

So let me get in there a little bit.

Whoa whoa.

Let's not hurt ourselves, alright?

Sorry about that.

Hey, I'll tell you what.

Why don't you go join your friends?

I'll handle this.

Oh man, that'd be great.

I mean, it's the least I can do with them, you know?

Thanks man.

Go have a good time.

Where are you going?

To hang out with the people we came with.

It's more like share a ride.

You're such a dick, Donnie.

It's called making friends.

Yeah, well I'll leave that shit up to you.

You know how much I'm looking forward to this contest.

Oh, that stupid contest, give me a break.

Be an asshole, then.

Are you gonna shut that, or?

Love you.

About the noises, probably.

So how often do you guys really have sex?

Do you do it every night?

I'm just saying.

Who's the cop?

Oh, Coop?

He's cool, man.

He chased off this douche bag Ranger, and now he's helping us put up our tents.

My ears are burning.

Speak of the devil.

Well, I hope you guys can take it from here.

Oh, stay, have a beer with us.

Oh come on, Coop, have one beer.

You're off duty, right?

We're about to tell some scary stories.

My brother and his friends should be here soon too, but he's late as usual.

So the more the merrier.

The more the scarier.

It's a competition.

Well, what do you get?

To live.

There is a prize, but it really only applies to us anyways, because it's for the festival.

A ghost story competition, huh?

Isn't winning its own reward?

I see that glimmer in your eye, old timer.

But I don't think you stand a chance now.

Trash talker, huh?

You can dish it,

but can you take it?

Yes, we can.

Oh man. What the fuck?


It's the ritual, man.

I can't control the wind.

Do it again, you're going in there next.

So who goes first?



I'll go.

Might as well set the bar high, right?

Baby, can I go?

I'm just a little nervous.

Kinda just want to get it over with.

There's no need for nerves.

We're all friends here.

At least for now.


Nerves are what it's all about, right?

Let's hear the girl's story first.

Touche, Ranger.

Go on, ladies first.


So it starts on a cool humid night, on the outskirts of a desert town.

They always do.

As soon as they make a story, they write on to the next one with the whole truth around.

I have to wonder what kind of rest they must feel when they're ordered to sell out like this.

If they can be friendly, then they shouldn't be in the media.

They are supposed to be our fourth branch of government.

Another check and balance.

Look what happened to JFK.

Even Presidents aren't above it.

They're messing with us at every possible level of freedom and morality.

They usher in these monstrosities with open arms and broad smiles, that can only be used for benevolent purposes.

And just as soon as we accept our slavery, we will find ourselves in the belly of the beast.

And just like clockwork, they'll raise a symbolic gesture to silence everyone.

Then the oblivious ignorant masses won't even bother to raise their heads from their supposed smart phones.

So called watchdogs in the media will just move on to their next distraction.

I think I lost the feed.

I can't see you anymore.

I can see you on my screen.

Let's just keep going.

Hopefully it'll catch back up.

See folks, nothing is hidden here.

This is a live conversation on a live program.

We hide nothing from our fellow real watchdogs.

We are all in this together.

But back to what you were saying, Jacob.

Yes, their eyes and ears are at all levels of the hierarchy.

If anyone tries to shine some light into the shadow, they get silenced.

The writing is on the walls, people, literally.

And they expect us to sit back while people stomp on everything this country was founded on.

It would be funny if it weren't so depressing.

We used to fear RFID chips, but now almost everyone happily carries them around, tracking everything we do, everywhere we go.

I avoid those baby monoliths like the plague.

So Jacob, now we have this new development out in Oregon where yet another gun-free zone was mysteriously shot up.

When are people gonna realize that these safety zones are just open invitations?

It's like the intro in your recent best seller, "False Flags, True Terror."

Well, thanks for the plug.

I do think we could be looking at another false flag operation here.

Anything to get our guns, right?

They've sunk their claws deep into the Bill of Rights over the last decade.

Then, the slippery slope begins.

Soon, everyone will be labeled as psychopath, unfit to own guns, and then only the elites will be armed.

Hey Jacob, can you take over a couple minutes?

I'll be right back.

Well, as I was saying, Jess, none of these proposed gun laws were to prevent any of the instances, assuming they're legitimate, which of course they're not.

Who is it?

My name's John, ma'am.

I'm in a lot of trouble out here.

I need some help.

You came to the wrong place, I'm sorry.

No, please please, don't go.

I've been shot.


Who shot you?

Is it bad?

Is there somebody else out there?

Can you make it to the street?

No, no, there's no time.



You got shot in the arm?


You lost a lot of blood.

Okay, the bed's upstairs.

Can you make it up there?

Can you make it up there?


I'm sick of it, and every other American should be.

Enough is enough.

Bared things are bared, and so should ours be.

Hang on.

Who did this to you, John?

Can you just call an ambulance?

It's not as easy as that.

Why not?

Do you remember where you are?

Yeah, I know there's no cell phone service here, but you've got to have a landline or sat phone or something here.

I don't.

I can feel the bullet.

I'm surprised it didn't go through.

I can dress this myself.

Hold on a minute.

Well maybe your friend downstairs on the monitor, he might have a phone or something to call.

He can call for help.

That's not gonna happen.

Look, I'm a trained EMT among other things.

I can fix you myself.

I've dealt with much worse.

Oh yeah, this doesn't look bad at all.

No no no no.

Don't pull it out.

Trust me, I know what I'm doing.

Do you know who did this to you, John?

No, of course I don't.

But I know that they're still out there, and that you could get that guy to call for help.

What exactly were you doing?

Could you just call an ambulance?

I think I'm about to pass out.

You'll be fine.

Call someone.

It's not gonna happen, John.

Now this is gonna hurt, but I'll make it quick.

Whoever shot me is still out there.

And it's gonna stay that way.

I think you got lucky.

Now hold pressure here, I'll be right back.

No crime scene whatsoever.

But we're supposed to believe this is just another delinquent kid who found an assault rifle.

It couldn't be more obvious, even to a casual observer.

They're testing our suspension of disbelief, for whatever they have plans next.

Thank you Jacob, I owe you one.

I couldn't agree more.

There are so many of these clandestine operations going on, it's hard to keep track of them all.

The scariest thing is how many people are involved in...

I'm sure there are plenty of paid actors, as there usually are.

But it's still gotta be a lot of frightened regular folks, too.

Well they compartmentalize the truth.

It's the easiest trick to keep people in line.

It's all hidden in plain sight.

Big enough a lie, frequently enough, people will begin to believe it.

Hitler was right about something, I guess.

Thank you to Mr. Jacob Townsend.

Everyone, go out and buy his book, "False Flags, True Terror."

And the pleasure is mine.

Have a good night.

You too, my friend.

And to all of my fellow watchdogs out there, a very special thank you.

Stay vigilant, stay aware, and stay skeptical.




John, are you okay?


John, are you okay?


That's it.

Bad ass.

That was actually scary, Kelly.

That was great, babe.

That's my girl.

Not too shabby.

There may be some competition here after all.

Coop, you there?

Copy that.

Give me a second, Rach.

Wait, so who shot him?

I think he shot himself, right?

You all set up there, Rach?

All set, Coop.

Just got to site A.

Copy that, did you meet with Sean yet?

That's a negative, Coop.

Alright well make sure you check in with him.

He's in a bit of a rampage today.

I'm punched out, but I'm gonna stick around with some of the new campers for a while.

Sounds good, Coop, have fun.

Will do, over and out.

The bigger question is whether or not the government sent him. Right?

So, who shot him? Guys.

We can get into all that after I win.

Feeling pretty confident over there, huh?

Who's next?


I can go.

Change things up a little bit.

I mean, it starts with that newscaster that Barry thinks is so hot.

He claims he likes her reporting.

Hey, come on now.

She's on all the time.

It's not like you have much choice.

You're not talking about Heather Powers, are you?

She's just cleavage spewing talking points.

Oh, here we go.

With the mind-controlling TV flicker rates, you can't trust it.

Do you believe in the Mandela Effect, too?

It just can't be a coincidence.

Anyway, Heather Powers is reading off her oh-so-mighty teleprompter, and she's showing the footage of yet another black guy being murdered by the police.

Oh please.

No more interruptions.

That was scary.

Tell me about it.

For the third time, the beautiful and brilliant Heather Powers is reporting on the latest police incident, and she's showing a witness's cell phone video of the cops pulling up to a couple who are pretty heated.

As we can see the cell phone video taken by a bystander.

The police officer opened fire on the unarmed African-American man with little to no provocation.

He then turned and fired on his unarmed girlfriend as well, murdering them both.

Why do they never have guns?

Shoot first, ask never, it seems.

We only have little info on this case so far, aside from the eye witness footage and testimony, but we have made calls to the police department for an explanation and are still waiting for a response.

We can only speculate why it's taking them so long in this case.

We've gotten reports that protestors are beginning to gather near the crime scene, demanding answers.

And justifiably so.

While we wait, let's see that cell phone footage again.

You've got some serious fucking explaining to do.

I know, Sarge.

It won't be easy.

Not easy?

Not fucking easy?

We've got a riot on our hands.

Over some jerk-off video that was posted to YouTube before I even got wind of the situation.

And I'm not even sure if it fucking happened.

It happened, Sarge.

Then where are the fucking bodies?

Or the other suspects?

All I got is a dead cop, and the media doesn't give a shit about him.

That video they keep replaying on the fucking news shows a black guy and his white bitch being fucking executed.

So where in the fuck are they?

It'll take some time, Sarge.

You know what?

Just start at the fucking beginning.

Is that the footage?

You mean the footage that makes no fucking sense whatsoever?

Yeah, this is it, motherfucker.

Officer Miller and I were responding to a 417.

Off of Las Vegas Boulevard and Sarah.

Get off of me, you hurt me. You're hurting my wrist.

One Charlie three, one Charlie five.

A domestic dispute, 5'8 ", 5'2", Paradise.

Copy that, dispatch.

We're on our way.

One Charlie three one Charlie five.

Be advised subjects are possibly intoxicated and have a firearm. You idiot!

Yes you was. No I wasn't!

Why you keep acting like this?

I'm acting like this.

You're acting... Fucking cops.

Yeah. Look what you did.

Yeah, I called them because you are crazy.

Yes, crazy. I'm crazy, crazy.

Whatever, you're the one that would go over there and flirting with the guy, and acting like... Oh god.

We got a call about a disturbance.

Yeah, I called, officer.

I'm fearing for my safety right now.

Oh, you are unbelievable.

He's just gonna say what you want to hear.

He'd act totally different if you weren't here.

She's just playing.

Don't even listen to her. It's just one of her games.

One of my games? Alright calm down.

You know what, fuck this.

I ain't fucking with the cops tonight.

We out here minding our own business, and you guys want to come over here and fuck with us.

I'm fucking out.

Where are you going?

What's his name?


Dante, Dante!


Wrong way, my brother.

Turn around, let me see your hands.

You want to come romp with me, Babylon boy?

Police is just so predictable.

Let me see how far you could take this.

Move your Bomboclaat then stop fucking with me.

You talk too much, Dante. Fuck you.

Whatever you say, Dante.

I just need to see those hands.

I don't give a fuck about you, Bomboclaat Babylon boy.

You hear me?

You hear me?

You're not going anywhere.

Fuck I am. The fuck you are!

He's got a gun!

No! No don't!

What the fuck? She tried to attack me!

No she didn't!

What are you thinking?

You should have had my back!

What the hell just happened?

Did he have a gun?

I don't know, but he will.

Go check.

Pull yourself together, and call for an ambulance.


You're going to just sit there like a dumb ass?

Tell me the guy had a gun.

I wish I could, Sarge.

So what the fuck was it?

A lighter.

Jesus Christ.

Why didn't you upload your body cam footage when you checked in?

Sorry Sarge, I forgot.


I hope this gives us some wiggle room.

We need to change the media narrative as quickly as possible.

With all due respect sir, the footage on the news is what happened.

Officer Miller fired on two unarmed people without provocation.

What happened is one of my fellow officers was killed, that some nigga who trying to impress his white trash whore.

Probably some gang banger.

Probably high on some PCP shit.

But Sarge, that's not...

That is what happened.

Unless you have two corpses up your ass, then that news video is as real as Hollywood.

But Sarge... Now shut the fuck up so I can see what's next.

Oh shit, fucking cops are here.

Look what you did. Yeah, I called the cops

'cause you're acting crazy.

I'm acting crazy? Yeah.

You're acting delirious.

Do you hear yourself?

Yeah I called, officer.

I'm fearing for my safety right now.

Oh, you are unbelievable.

He's just gonna say what...

You know what, fuck this.

I ain't fucking with the cops tonight.

We're out here minding our own business, and you guys just want to come here and fuck with us.

Where are you going?

I'm fucking out of here.

What's his name?

What's his name? Dante.


You should've had my back.

Oh god, oh god, okay okay, okay.

Fuck, where the fuck did he go?


What the fuck just happened?

What the hell?

What the fuck is that?

Explain what the fuck I just seen on that screen.

Why the fuck are you looking at me like that?

Look at the fucking screen.

Hey look, he's coming around.

You're a good cop.

But not good enough.

Mm, makes them taste much better, at least.

What the fuck did I just watch?

You're not a good cop. Sit the fuck...

And you're not in charge anymore.

And he jumped on the Sergeant like this, and started feasting off his blood.

Why do I have to be the victim?

You're closest.

Holy shit, that was awesome.

I gotta take a leak. Me too.

Do you guys need fucking diapers?

We can't get through two stories without someone either pissing or shitting themself.

I guess not.

I'm gonna go this way.

I am gonna go this way.

I really like the message, Sandy.

Wait for us before we start the next one?

Leave it to the black guy's girl to bring up racial tension.

Ignoring it doesn't mean it doesn't exist.

Yeah man, I live with that shit every day.

It's about time we get some revenge.

Supernaturally, of course.

I loved it, babe.

I didn't.


I didn't like the story.

Bro, it's just supposed to be for fun.

Why don't you relax?

Don't get involved.

No, this guy's being a total dick.

Don't tell me what to do.

These are supposed to be scary stories.

That's what you guys said.

Then make up your own.

That's the rules.

I know the game, and I already have a story.

I just want a proper buildup is all.

It's not fun without a little tension.

Are you...

You're fucking with us, man.

What did we miss?

Coop trying to creep us out.

I think he's worried.

Did you guys just see...

Dude, you're tripping.

Just chill out.

So how about you go next?

What happened to ladies first, Alex?

I'm not ready.

You go.

Fire away, fearless leader.

Last chance.

Alright, I'll go.

Okay, so a group of friends are sitting around, smoking a blunt. Of course.

Can you guys be any less obvious?

Shut up guys.

Alright, so a group of friends is sitting around smoking, and they're playing Ouija.

Do you play Ouija?

Can I just?


Can you? I'm trying, okay?

So, these friends are sitting around, using a Ouija board, and they're smoking.

You know what, I lost my train of thought.

I got you, hold that story.

It's time somebody started scaring the shit out of you guys.

I'm all ears.


So some fucking guy is walking his fucking dog down this happy fucking street in this happy fucking neighborhood in happy fucking America.

My story is "Eternal Hunger."

Not the kind you're used to Roger.

You stoner son of a bitch.

Fuck you, Donnie.


Hey Jules.

Hey, did you see the news?

The strangest thing just happened.

Guess cops blew away another black guy.

Had no gun, nothing on him.

So, my parents are in town this weekend, and they want to see Sandy and Kevin.

But I had plans with them for this weekend.

I'll make it up to you.

They only come twice a year.

Come on, Henry.

No, it's just Cohagen.

He got loose.

I can't believe you named him that.

You know, my dad was always nice to you.

Can you just do it please?

Damn dog.

He's rambunctious, he's got a lot of energy.

He's a puppy.


Cohagen, come here, come here.

Cohagen, come here. Henry?

Come here boy. Hello?


Cohagen, come here boy.

Cohagen. Henry.

Henry, hello?

Henry, hello, Henry?

You're not gonna believe what I'm seeing.

No changing the subject.

I need this, Henry.

I've been having a tough time with my parents lately.

How much did you ask for this time?

What was that?

You know Randy, my neighbor?


Well he's going to town on some guy in a leather suit.

What, like bondage stuff?


And by the looks of it, it ain't no lady.

Just let him be.

You should be more accepting of peoples sexuality.

This has nothing to do with us.

You're not seeing what I'm seeing.

And neither should you.

Oh hey.

So, what about this weekend?


Henry, Henry?

Jules. this is some pretty messed up stuff.


Earth to Henry. Just a second Jules.

It's always something with you, and I'm so sick of you shit.

I'm here and all you can do is change the subject?

Your dog, the neighbor, get over yourself.

Why do you make me do this to you?

Why do you make me hate you?

I hate you so much.

I hate you so much.

I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry.

I don't want to hurt you.

I don't know what I'm supposed to do with you.

What am I supposed to do with you?

What am I supposed to do with you?

Just forget it.

I can't count on you.

Are you even listening to me?

Hello Henry?




Calm down!

I'm here to help you.

It's okay.

Be glad I'm here.

Hold still.

I'm getting you out of here.

Don't you hear me?

Oh fuck!


What the fuck is this?

And that's how it's done.

That was good.

No competition now, huh, B-ry?

Uh uh, don't count your chickens yet, bro.

Alright it's your turn now, bud, no excuses.

Jesus, just sit down or something.


Sorry, natural impulse.

Everybody watch your eyes.

Too late.

Yeah, not possible.

Depends on if you count your reflection as yourself.

That was deep. And off topic.

Let's get on with it, Rog.

And don't fuck it up this time.

Oh, should I do the sand thing again?

That was kind of a long... No!

Nobody's doing the sand thing, okay?

Alright, fair enough.


"Demonic Presence."

I thought it was called "Haunted Blunt."

Well it was until you ruined it.

Oh, I'm sorry. No that's okay.

You guys wanted something scarier, I'm gonna give it to you.

Oh here we go.

Fuck you, Donnie.

I'm scared already, Rog.

Okay here we go.

The winter night descends on a quiet neighborhood.

Christmas lights are twinkling on some of the houses.

A teenage babysitter slouches on the couch.

The flickering TV on her motionless face, as if she's in a trance.

And then.

The pictures and video keep pouring in, showing these poor refugees getting bombarded and overwhelmed by our forces at the border.

It's really shameful.

They just want a better life, people.

How we can have so many racist politicians in this country is beyond me.

It's their duty to grant these migrants asylum.

We're supposed to be the land of the free, not the land behind the wall.

Not to dilute your previous gene pool.

We need to come together and create a new, more open society, one that welcomes every gender, race, sexual orientation, religion and culture.

A society we can finally be proud of, and that's called progress, people.

As always, turn on, tune in, and remember, there's always tomorrow.

Hey guys. Hey.

How was the show?

They were good.

Not quite as good as they used to be.

From the songs I could remember, they were fantastic.

Newer stuff, I don't know, not so good.

Well they're for the younger crowd.

They went crazy for it.

At least we behaved ourselves this time.

Though I feel old even saying that.

Oh please, you guys are amazing.

Is he asleep? Like a log.

I'll go check on him.

You got this? Yeah.

This better not be going where I think it's going.

Excuse me?

Yo Coop, let the man finish.

Yeah, I'm sorry Rog.


So, the Reids walk into the kitchen with the babysitter, and Rob goes upstairs to check on his kid, while Laura pulls out her purse to pay Wendy.

So the little ones down asleep?

Like a log. Good.

I'm gonna go check on 'em.

You got this? Yeah.

I am so glad you moved here, Wendy.

You are like a breath of fresh air compared to some of the kids we've had.


Yeah bud, it's late.

Go on back to sleep, okay?

No wait, come here.

Can you check the room? What is it, bud?

Can you check the room? I can't sleep.

Alright, let me take a look.

Hey Rog, you did come up with this yourself, right?

Look man, can you let me just...

Yeah, sorry about that.

It's just, your story as it is now, is skirting dangerously close to the most obvious fucking conclusion possible.

Cooper, back off him.

May I continue?

You know what, I'm sure you came up with it.

I'm sorry, continue.


So, Jack asks Rob to check his room for monsters, and Rob's discouraged 'cause he keeps asking over and over and over.

There we go.

Here's Bill.

He was the one causing all that ruckus down there.


Can you check the closet?

There's someone in there.

Come on, Jack.

It's been almost every night this week.

No but that was under the bed.

The closet is different.


There's a monster in my bed.

What the fuck is this?

Bro, oh my God.

Yo dude, I think you're taking this too seriously.

I take my time seriously.

And you all are wasting it.

Just when we get a little momentum going, the tweaked out dumb ass over there fucks it all up.

How about you hit the road?

How about I teach you guys how to scare somebody?

The demon takes the form of the kid and he's standing on the edge of the bed, right?

So he stretches out his finger, and like an invisible box-cutter, he slices the father's fucking throat open.

The kid, Jack was it?

He's scared speechless as he watches his father bleed out.

The demon makes a hand movement, closing the door between the father and the son.

Rob falls to his knees, running low on energy.

So he starts to crawl, crawl to save his wife.


What's that noise?

Is everything alright up there?

But unbeknownst to everyone else, the babysitter is the one who's really pulling the strings. Rob!

And she's about to take a bite out of the lovely Miss Laura Reid.

So right when he gets to the foot of the steps, and the wife looks up to him and screams his name.


She rips her fucking heart out.


Are you done?

Yeah I'm fucking done.

I was gonna go there with the babysitter, you know.

Shut the fuck up, Roger.



I'm not trying to be too much of an ass here.

I was just trying to darken the mood.

But I can go.


Just tell your story.

I don't stay where I'm unwanted.

No, it's cool, man.

I mean, you can't leave after all that buildup.

Well alright then.

That's the spirit, Rog.

My story is called "Millennial Massacre."

It's about a group of campers very much like yourselves.

They had been drinking, carrying on, throwing dirt in the fucking fire.

Telling scary stories.

But everything is fun and games until one of them has to go to the bathroom.

Things aren't quite the same when she gets back as she remembered it.

And what do you think she saw?

Oh shit!

Did anyone else see that?

What are you talking about?

I saw something, like a shadow behind you.

I saw it before.

People cast shadows, Roger.

Let's just do this fucking thing.

I didn't see anything.

That doesn't mean there wasn't anything there.

Maybe we should take a break and go look.

We could look for Tim, too.

You guys want me gone.

But you can't seem to stop interrupting me.

Which is it?

Alright, we can go look for the boogeyman after I win.

So as I was saying... Guys, there's someone out here. They were about to string up the white jock by his entrails, but they got a little to rambunctious and ended up ripping him to shreds.

The only sane friend left just stood there, watching.

But then, a new foot came crashing down in front of them.

It was the friendly park Ranger.

Carrying an even friendlier aluminum baseball bat.

It was worn from years of use.

A slight bend in it.

It had little notches in it to denote all his victims over the years.

Are you done?

But the funny thing was is that,

he didn't even need it.

She was so scared that she just did everything that,

she did everything that the Ranger said.

Okay, I'm scared, and done.

Don't be silly, Alex.

That was dumb.

You told your story, now get the fuck out.

Play nice. No.

He's scary.

I'm not gonna cater to this asshole.

You told your story, now get the fuck out.

I never said I was done.

Barry! Okay okay okay.

Let's just chill.

Relax, take a break for a little bit.

Hold on, I'll be right back.

Weak bladder, huh?

Relax, man.

It's a good story.

You don't have to be a jerk anymore.

Again, I never said I was done.

You're done!

Now we're gonna go look for Barry's brother.

Stop it!

Who the fuck's side are you on anyway?

Clearly not yours.

Your radio's off.

What's wrong?

We found an abandoned car on the side of the road.

I think if we come down here and check on these guys.

An abandoned car?

It could be Tim's.

What kind of car was it?

Gray Ford SUV.

That's Tim's.

Oh my god, did you find any blood?

Shut up!

Why would you ask that?

You gonna go check it out?

Yeah, of course.

Where are you going?

What's it to you?

Don't want to leave you alone.

Is everything alright here Coop?

Everything's fine.

Donnie here just has trust issues, that's all.

You want a ride to the car with Sean? I can stay here.

You coming, tough guy?

You're god damn right I am.

You got a light?

You're just gonna leave me here?

We'll have words later.

It's about half a mile down the road.

It's not in the road.

Jesus, let's go!

Did you find any signs of a struggle?

Was there any blood?

Sandy, what the fuck?

What's the deal with Cooper?

What do you mean?

He was saying some things that was a little out of line.

Oh, are you all college kids?

What is that supposed to mean?

The whole PC wave going on now, you're all too touchy.

It wasn't like that.

What he said would be rude to anybody.

He's a dick.

I'm sorry if he's your friend.

But that's the truth.

I don't want to hear another word about it.

You babies need some thicker skin.

You're in the middle of the woods.

There is no safe space out here.

Okay, what is it with you people here?

Oh, I'm sorry.

I forgot how fragile you are, Alex.

Excuse me?

Shut up, Kelly.

How do you know? No?

I thought you never said no, Kelly.

I don't even know what to say to you right now.

Don't you know any magic spells to make me go away?

Of course you don't.

Without your silly mysticism, you don't even know who you are.

Do you?

Just a child, just boring, like everyone else.

You're just a bitch.


At least I see people for who they are, and the world for what it is.

I don't blame the fire for consuming the stick any more than I blame Donnie for using you up.

How do you know our names?

Why was Donnie so quick to leave you alone here?

Aw, did you get abandoned again?

Everything alright?

I don't stink again, do I?

Just keeping you on your toes.

Look look, there it is, there it is.

What the fuck is wrong with the seat?

Where the fuck is the latch?

Don't go! What?


So what happened to you all down at the campsite?

Get scared like a bunch of babies?

What the fuck did you just say?

I see blood out there, don't go.

Are you kidding me?

That's my brother you're talking about.

Besides, it's too dark to see anything anyway.

He's dead, I know it.

Sandy, I don't know what's gotten into you, but you need to stop right now!

They're going to kill you!

Kill me?

Man, get the fuck out my way. Yeah, just like Tim and the others. Sandy.

I seriously do not know what's gotten into you, but you need to shut the fuck up and let me go!

Don't leave me!

No, you don't love me!

Let go!

You think he'd know his girlfriend better than that.

What the fuck is that supposed to mean?

And what's up with them?

I bet you squeal just like her when you get cut.

Come on!

Damn it.

I'm so sorry.

Oh god, baby.

Come here, oh.


You ready to die, boy?

Kill him, Donnie!

Fucking do it!

Do you have any idea what the fuck is going on here?

Other than a bunch of psychos running this place?

What the hell, Barry?

Man I had to.

Sandy was acting all crazy and shit.

Like really fucking crazy, man.


Alright, take your girl, and go get help.

But what about you, dog? I'm not leaving Kelly.

I'll get the others, too.

Look, I don't know what the fuck is going on with the water, but whatever it is, we need to get out of here as fast as possible.

The water?

I don't fucking know what's going on!

Whatever's happening to Sandy happened to these fucking Rangers.

Fuck, just be quick, okay?

Where's Cooper?

Gee, I don't know Barry!

I just spent the last five fucking minutes fighting off a knife-wielding fucking maniac!

What the fuck were you doing, Barry?

I was dealing with Sandy's crazy ass!

Whatever's going around here is fucked up!

Look, alright.

He didn't take the road.

I can beat him back to the campsite.

I can handle it.

Just go.

When you get back to camp, take my car.

Good luck bro.


Just kidding. Man!

Stop fucking around dude! Be quick.

Yeah, just go. Alright, yeah.






What happened?

Where's that Ranger lady?

You're an interesting one, Roger.


Never met anyone quite like you.

Alex, this really isn't the time for that.

What happened to that Ranger?

Did you see what happened?

No matter how scared you seem, we can't quite pin you down.

What do you see when you look at me?

Am I still the girl you like?

Is this still the body that you wanted?

Or the lips that you wanted to kiss?


Don't you want me anymore?

You couldn't keep your eyes off me all day.

You're not you.

Who am I?

Whose body is this?

Fuck you!

What is it with you?

I should ask you the same thing.

You can find out for yourself.

Just join us.

You won't have to be afraid anymore.

I'm not afraid.

I see you.

And I'm not joining anything.

Oh so that's it?

We can't have that.

Now you do have to die, Roger.

Hey, Roger!

Where's Kelly?

I don't know.

Well what's going on?

Do you feel any different?

They couldn't turn me, or do whatever it is they do to people.

They couldn't do it to me, so they tried to kill me.

Somebody help!

Go. No, no.

Look, I'll be fine, just go.

I can take care of myself.

I didn't know you could be such a bad ass.

When the going gets weird, the weird turn pro.

I don't know what that means.


Oh shit!


What the fuck?

You killed her!

No, look, I'm sorry, but there's some crazy shit going on, and I gotta go get some help.

Are you kidding me?

You murdered her.

You just killed my friend.

I don't have time for this shit!

Look, I know it sounds crazy, but you gotta come with me.

Liz? Barry?

Holy fuck, is that Sam?

Sam, Sam. You killed me, Bar.

You killed me.

You killed me, Bar.

You killed me, Bar.

Jesus Christ.

What the fuck were you two doing in the middle of the road?

And where's Tim?

Tim went to town to get help, so you can stop running now.

What do you, why would I...

Stay here with me.

It's cold out here, Barry. Oh.

Use some company.

Just when I thought shit couldn't get any crazier.

How come we never kiss at parties?

I used to catch you looking at me, but you were too shy.

I hope you've grown up since then.


But, Sam.

What's the matter, Bar?

Aren't you gonna fuck her?

Are you fucking shitting me?

I'm so over this.

Get off me, bitch!




I said I'm sorry!

We don't have time for this.

There's some crazy shit going down.

I care.

It's always about you!

Look, we don't have time for this.

There is some weird stuff happening, and people are dead.

I mean, what happened back there?

Why were you crying?

You've been acting crazy this whole time.

It's probably you.

Holy shit, did you actually kill somebody?

It's a long story, but it was self defense, really.

Self defense, Donnie?

You're always looking for a fight!

Well hate me if you want to, but there is some weird shit happening, and Roger's been stabbed.


All I saw was that Ranger lady hitting him in the face and that's when I took off. Yeah, well when I walked up, Alex was trying to stab him to death.


That's what I'm saying!

Shit is crazy!

It was you.

Alex wouldn't do that, you're fucking lying.

Babe, look at me.

I know I can be a real asshole, but I am no murderer.

Get off me, Donnie.


Donnie, Donnie.

Oh, Kelly, no.

Baby, baby, look at me, look at me.

I'm sorry, I didn't...

Baby, look at me.

Oh, Kelly.

No, no no no!

Oh God.

I like to try to at least turn 'em first.

Who am I to shit on someone else's style?

And I kind of like yours, killer.

And you helped out a lot tonight.

Don't call me that.

Well I call a spade a spade, and you, killer, are a killer.

I didn't mean to.

Well that makes everything okay then!

Are you done?


Let's go get Roger.

That clumsy fuck is mine.

You're needed elsewhere.


You've made such a mess of things, Roger.

But luckily, Donnie, oh he's a rockstar.

Too bad about Alex, though.

I was looking forward to getting a piece of that myself.

I hope you did before she died, or after.

Hey, there might still be time, Rog.

You know it's funny.

I never saw one of those shadows behind you.

That is funny, isn't it?




Where the hell have you been, man?

I missed you too, bro.

I missed you too.

Do you know what the hell is going on?

Yeah, I think I got a pretty good idea.


A lot of people are dead, man.

And some of them have lost their mind.

Yeah I know.

We have to just get used to it.


We have to get used to it.


It's the new normal, man.

Check out that dog's tail, dude.


Samantha's fucking dead.

I watched her die myself.

That's too bad.

I guess that's the danger of living in a free society.

Bro, do you see what that lady has on over there?

Holy shit.


Long time no see!

We've missed you!

Barry's been worried sick about you.

Hey bro, where are you going?

You guys just got here. Barry?

There's always tomorrow.

Oh hell no.

Now that the economy has crashed, just like we've been warning you this past year at the "Powers Report," it is clearly time for a change.

Impeachment proceedings are underway for our President.

Amidst all this turmoil, remember, there's always tomorrow.

But not for everybody.