Scott Pilgrim vs. the World (2010) Script

(THEME MUSIC IN VIDEOGAME TONE)

(NARRATOR READING)

KIM: Scott Pilgrim is dating a high-schooler?

Really? Is she hot?

How old are you now, Scott? Like, 28?

I'm not playing your little games, kids.

So, you've been out of high school for, like, 13 years.

I'm 22. Twenty-two.

And you're dating a high-school girl. Not bad, not bad.

Thank you, thank you.

So, did you guys, like, you know, do it yet?

We have done many things.

We ride the bus together.

And we have meaningful conversations about how yearbook club went and about her friends and, you know, drama.

STEPHEN: Have you even kissed her?

We almost held hands once, but then she got embarrassed.

Well, aren't you pleased as punch.

I don't know what you're talking about.

So, what's her name?

Knives Chau.

She's Chinese.

Wicked.

So, when do we get to meet her?

Oh, please, let it be soon.

(DOORBELL RINGS) That's for me.

Hi. You promise to be good?

Of course I'll be good.

Seriously, please be good.

Am I normally not?

Hey, Knives, this is Stephen Stills. He's the talent.

Hey.

Is she gonna geek out on us?

She'll just sit in the corner, man.

I mean, I want her to geek out on us.

She'll geek. She geeks. She has the capacity to geek.

Okay.

You're good.

Wow.

Here, let me get your coat.

Hi.

Knives, that's Kim.

Sorry, what was your name?

Kim.

And you play the drums?

Yes.

That is so awesome.

Knives, that's Young Neil.

Hi.

What do you play?

Wow, Zelda, Tetris.

That's kind of a big question.

Okay, let's start with Launchpad McQuack.

That's not the actual title of the...

We are Sex Bob-Omb!

One, two, three, four!

(ROCK MUSIC PLAYING)

(SINGING) Yeah, yeah Yeah, yeah Laminate the stasis Mama, mama serpentine I got a breathalyzer And my body's clean

Yeah! Yeah!


Thank you!

(STEPHEN WHOOPS)

(STEPHEN VOCALIZING)

Get ready

Yeah

Yeah, yeah

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah Yeah!

You guys are so amazing.

She seems nice. Yeah.

Yeah, she seems awesome.

Yeah. (WHISTLES)

Scott, if your life had a face, I would punch it.

Yeah. Wait, what?

I mean, are you really happy or are you really evil?

Like, do I have ulterior motives or something?

I'm offended, Kim.

Wounded, even?

Hurt, Kim.

You? Hurt?

Neil, you were saying about "she seems awesome."

Yeah, she seems awesome.

Yeah. (WHISTLES)

Before you hear some dirty lies from someone else, yes, I'm dating a 17-year-old.

Oh, is he cute?

(LAUGHS SARCASTICALLY)

Does this mean we have to stop sleeping together?

You see another bed in here?

Yeah. You're totally my bitch forever.

So, the whole 17-year-old thing, don't tell too many people.

Hey, you know me.

I mean, don't tell my sister.

You know me.

Who are you texting?

(PHONE RINGING)

Seventeen years old? Scandal!

That's not true. Who told you?

Wallace. Duh.

That gossipy bitch.

You know me.

Wallace!

Who is this mystery child you date?

Her name's Knives Chau. She's Chinese.

A 17-year-old Chinese schoolgirl? You're ridiculous.

It's a Catholic school, too.

With the uniform and everything?

Yeah. The whole deal.

Oh, my God. You guys haven't...

No, no, no, no. We haven't even held hands yet.

I think she hugged me once.

Scott, why are you doing this?

I don't know. It's just nice, you know? It's just simple.

It's been over a year since you got dumped by She-Who-Will-Not-Be-Named. So...

Are you legitimately moving on or is this just you being insane?

Can I get back to you on that?

(SCHOOL BELL RINGING)

I do not wanna be here at all.

This school has boys, too.

I hate you. Even I would think twice about dating a 17-year-old.

Well, she's only allowed out when the sun is up, so I wouldn't call it dating.

It's more like... Playtime?

That doesn't sound so good, either. No.

KNIVES: Scott!

SCOTT: Hey, Knives.

This is my cool, gay roommate, Wallace Wells.

Hi. He's gay.

Oh, do you wanna know who in my class is gay?

Yes, does he wear glasses?

Wallace, you go now. Begone.

You're too good for him. Run.

(CHUCKLES)

ANNOUNCER: Get ready!

Here we go!

Did you know that the original name for Pac-Man was Puck-Man?

You'd think it was because he looks like a hockey puck, but it actually comes from the Japanese phrase "paku-paku," which means, "to flap one's mouth open and closed."

They changed it because they thought that

"Puck-Man" would be too easy to vandalize.

You know, people could just scratch off the "P" and turn it into an "F" or whatever.

Oh, my God! Like, wow!

ELECTRONIC VOICE: Combo!

Yeah. Wow.

Continue?

Nine, eight, seven, six, five, four, three... Oh, I got it.

...two, one.

(INAUDIBLE)

KNIVES: I don't listen to that much music.

I mean, I know a lot of kids who play piano or whatever, but you guys...

You guys rock.

Well, I knew I personally rocked, but I never suspected that we rocked as a unit.

So, thank you, Knives.

I mean, you guys are gonna be huge.

Well, we're already pretty big, but, yeah, I guess it'd be cool if cool people started wearing our T-shirt or whatever.

Cool. Yeah, yeah.

Excuse me, do you have anything by The Clash at Demonhead?

Have you tried the section marked "The Clash at Demonhead"?

Thank you, Julie.

Are you coming to my party Friday, or will you be busy babysitting?

Thank you, Julie.

You don't want to listen to her.

And you definitely don't want to listen to them.

Oh, I heart them so much.

Yeah, I hearted them, too, until they signed to a major label, and the lead singer turned into a total bitch and ruined my life forever.

But that's just me.

Envy Adams is so cool. Do you read her blog?

Sorry, you were saying about me?

I mean, I've never gone out with anyone so talented.

Go out with a lot of guys?

No.

Yeah, so, whatever, man.

I've never even kissed a guy.

Hey, me, neither.

Here you go.

So, this is your secret lair?

Yeah, yeah. Can I come in?

My secret lair is one of those

"No girls allowed"-type deals.

Okay.

But do you wanna see the house where I grew up?

Sure! Come on.

There you go.

Wow.

Yeah.

Wow.

Oh, God.

So alone.

You're not alone.

What?

You're just having some idiotic dream.

Does that mean we can make out?

Oh, God!

What is it, Scott?

I had this totally weird dream.

Oh, God.

What is it, Other Scott?

Can we skip the dreamtime? Color me not interested.

But there was this girl.

Girl?

Was this an Envy-related dream?

We don't use the E-word in this house.

No, it wasn't her. It was somebody new.

Yay for that.

Speaking of new, weren't you supposed to take your fake high-school girlfriend to the library a half-hour ago?

What? It's like 6:00 in the morning.

(SCREAMS)

MAN: Shh!

It's weird.

What's weird?

Libraries remind me of grade school.

That must seem like a really long time ago.

Yeah, let's talk about something else.

Do you know that girl?

Scott! What?

You only played one note for that entire song.

My hand slipped.

Is your girlfriend distracting you?

My girlfriend?

I'll be quieter.

Let's do that one again.

Sorry, what are we doing?

I told you, like, 50 times!

We're going to this party, retard.

Party? At Julie's.

I thought you guys split up.

We did, but there might be some label guys there, so, you know...

Oh, man, this is gonna suck. Suck!

At least it'll give us something to complain about.

Oh, man!

This sucks!

Sucks!

I'm gonna go pee due to boredom.

I have to pee.

You know, so I told him you've got a really good sound, and I think that you should market your sound to deaf people, because... Scott! Hey!

Hey, Comeau.

How about this party? You getting your drink on here?

No, I don't drink. This is just Coke Zero.

What do you mean, you don't drink?

I distinctly remember you being very drunk off a couple of G-and-T's...

Hey, Comeau, you know everyone, right?

Yeah, pretty much, I do.

You know this one girl with hair like this?

Yes, that's Ramona Flowers.

Somebody said she was gonna be here tonight, actually.

What? Oh, Scott.

You have the hots for her or something? I gotta tell you though, I hear that she's a little hardcore.


(ALL CHATTERING)

Hey, what's up?

Nothing.

Hey, you know Pac-Man?

I know of him.

Well, Pac-Man was originally called Puck-Man.

They changed it because...

Not because Pac-Man looks like a hockey puck.

"Paku-paku" means "flap your mouth," and that they were afraid people would change...

Scratch out the "P" and turn it into an "F," like...

(CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY)

Yeah, that's amazing.

Um...

Am I dreaming?

I'll leave you alone forever now.

Thanks.

Dude! What?

She's totally real! Who?

Ramona Flowers. What?

Dude! What do you know about Ramona Flowers?

All I know is that she is American.

American.

Why don't you go talk to Sandra and Monique?

They know a lot more.

Lady-dudes. What do you know about Ramona Flowers?

I heard she has a boyfriend.

Yeah. Some guy back in New York.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. What else?

I heard she kicks all kinds of ass.

She's on another level.

She has men dying at her feet.

She's got some battle scars, dude.

What about Ramona Flowers?

You know her? Tell me now.

She just moved here.

Got a job at Amazon. Comes into my work.

Does she really?

Didn't you say she just broke up with someone?

Did she really?

They had a huge fight, or whatever.

Did they really?

Yes! But I didn't want Scott to know that, Stephen.

Yeah, I don't know what it is about that girl.

Scott, I forbid you from hitting on Ramona, even if you haven't had a real girlfriend in over a year.

(EXHALES SHARPLY)

Hey! Whoa, whoa, whoa! Scott's mourning period is officially over.

He's totally dating a high-schooler.

Dating a high-schooler is the mourning period.

She's got a point.

I thought you guys broke up.

I don't want you scaring off the coolest girl at my party, Scott.

We all know you're a total lady-killer wannabe, jerky-jerk.

That's completely untrue.

That time with Lisa? That was a misunderstanding.

That time with Hollie? That wasn't what it looked like.

That time you dumped Kim for...

Okay. Me and Kim are all good now, all right?

Whatever! Ramona's out of your league. Let's just leave it at that.

Besides, I'm not even sure she did have a big breakup.

She keeps mentioning some guy named Gideon.

Yeah, I don't know what it is about that girl.

Forget it, Scott!

(ALL EXCLAIM)

Guess who's drunk?

I guess Wallace.

You guess right.

So, that girl from my dream...

Girl. Okay.

I saw her at the library.

Library. Can I pretend we're talking about a guy?

And then I'm at this party and, hey, there she is.

Hey, there he is.

I think she's...

I think he's...

I think she's the girl of my dreams.

Mmm.

Then you should break up with your fake high-school girlfriend.

I've never been so sure about something.

Then you should break up with your fake high-school girlfriend.

What's that?

You should break up with your fake high-school girlfriend.

I'm not getting it, friend.

(PHONE RINGING)

You're thinking of juggling two chicks?

Not even!

Well, you should break up with your fake high-school girlfriend.

Wait, who told you?

Wallace. Duh!

He's not even conscious. Whatever.

You of all people should know how sucky it is to get cheated on.

Don't you have a job to do?

You're right. I should send out a mass text about this. Bye.

(SNORING)

Wallace, how do you do that?

SCOTT: Wallace!

Amazon.ca, what's the website for that?

"Amazon.ca."

I have to order something really cool.

ELECTRONIC VOICE: You've got mail.

Dude, this thing claims I have mail.

It's amazing what we can do with computers these days.

Dude, now I'm reading it.

So happy for you.

"Dear Mr. Pilgrim, it has come to my attention

"that we will be fighting soon.

"My name is Matthew Patel, and..." Blah, blah, blah...

"Fair warning... Mano y mano... Seven evil..." Blah, blah.

This is... This is... This is...

What?

This is boring.

Delete.

Scott, are you waiting for the package you just ordered?

Maybe.

It's the weekend. It won't ship until Monday at the earliest.

(DOORBELL RINGS) You were saying?

Attack hug! Hey!

Attack hug. That's so cute. So cute.

You don't remember?

You're supposed to meet me at the bus stop a half-hour ago.

How could I possibly forget?

Yearbook club is so boring.

I cannot believe the music they put on while we work.

That's sucky.

Hannah broke up with Alan and now she's all into Derek.

But then Tamara claims she has dibs on Derek.

I tell you.

ELECTRONIC VOICE: Bad!

Bad!

Okay. I'm sorry, that was all me.

Solo round!

Uh-oh.

Nega ninja.

Nega ninja!

I can never get past that guy.

Don't beat yourself up about it.

Game over!

Do you want to keep going?

Continue? Nine, eight, seven, six, five... I think...

...four, three...

I think that we should...

...two, one.

Game on, everybody. Game on.

I got us a show.

Oh, my gosh, when?

Wednesday.

The Rockit. And even better, it's the T. I. B. B.

Whoa!

The Toronto International Battle of the Bands?

That's right.

This guy at work was like, "Steve, you know anybody in a band?"

And I was like, "I'm in a band."

And he was like, "You're in a band?"

And I was like, "Yeah, I am totally in a band."

Great story, man.

Is there a prize or something?

Only a record deal with G-Man Graves.

Who's that? You don't know?

Indie producer of the millennium.

Oh. (CHUCKLES)

If we win, it won't just be Knives wearing Sex Bob-Omb shirts.

It'll be the cool kids, too.

I promise I will do everything I can to get out of the study group and come.

I have to pee.

Oh, my gosh, who are you battling?

STEPHEN: Crash and the Boys.

NEIL: That one band with Crash, and those boys?

KIM: Yeah, that's the one.

NEIL: I hate them.

KNIVES: Oh, my gosh, I hate them, too.

STEPHEN: Yeah, they suck.

NEIL: They suck bad.

(URINATING)

(TOILET FLUSHES)

Hey!

(DOORBELL RINGS)

Uh, Scott Pilgrim?

Hi, I was thinking about asking you out, but then I realized how stupid that would be.

So, do you want to go out sometime?

No, that's okay. You can just sign for this, all right?

I just woke up, and you were in my dream.

I dreamt that you were delivering me this package. Is that weird?

It's not weird at all.

It's not?

No, it's just that you have this really convenient subspace highway running through your head that I like to use.

It's, like, three miles in 15 seconds.

Right, right.

I forgot you guys don't have that in Canada.

You don't remember me, do you?

We met at the party the other day.

Were you the Pac-Man guy? No.

Not even. That was some total ass.

I was the other guy.

You know, you need to sign for this, whatever this is.

But if I sign for it, you'll leave.

Yeah, it's how it works.

Okay, well, maybe, do you wanna hang out sometime? Get to know each other?

You're the new kid on the block, right?

I've lived here forever, so there are reasons for you to hang out with me.

You want me to hang out with you?

Yeah, if that's cool.

If I say yes, will you sign for your damn package?

So, yeah, 8:00?

Why are you just standing there?

Dude, I'm totally waiting on you.

I'm sorry, I just assumed you were too cool to be here on time.

Oh, you assumed wrong.

So, how did you end up in Toronto?

Just needed to escape, I guess.

Yeah.

I got this job here, and Gideon had always said Toronto was one of the great cities, so...

Is Gideon your boyfriend?

He's a friend.

Was he your boyfriend?

Do you mind if I don't get into that right now?

It's so not interesting to me.

So, what about you? What do you do?

I'm in between jobs at the moment.

Between what and what?

Well, my last job was a long story filled with sighs.

I know plenty of those.

Is that why you left New York?

Pretty much.

It was just time to head somewhere a little more chilled.

Well, it's certainly chilled here.

Yeah.

It's chilled, as in cold.

Yeah.

This is ridiculous. Isn't it, like, April?

I know.

I can barely see you.

This whole thing is an unmitigated disaster.

I think act of God is a pretty decent excuse for a lousy date.

So this is a date, eh?

Did I say date?

Slip of the tongue.

Tongue.

Anyway, night's not over yet.

I think there's a thingy over here, somewhere.

A thingy?

A door.

Come on.

What kind of tea do you want?

There's more than one kind?

We have blueberry, raspberry, ginseng, Sleepytime, green tea, green tea with lemon, green tea with lemon and honey, liver disaster, ginger with honey, ginger without honey, vanilla-almond, white truffle, blueberry-chamomile, vanilla-walnut, Constant Comment and Earl Grey.

Did you make some of those up?

I think I'll have Sleepytime.

That sounds good to me.

Let me get you a blanket.

That would actually be awesome.

(GASPS)

Dude, I'm changing.

Sorry. I'm just cold.

Here, does that help?

Yeah, that's very warm. What is that?

Okay.

Were you just gonna bring the blanket from your bed?

I guess.

Maybe we should both get under it, since we're so cold.

What about our tea?

I can not have tea.

I changed my mind.

Changed it to what? From what?

I don't wanna have sex with you, Pilgrim. Not right now.

Okay.

It's not like I'm gonna send you home in a snowstorm or anything.

You can sleep in my bed.

And I reserve the right to change my mind about the sex later.

Well, this is nice. Just this.

It's been, like, a really long time, so I think I needed this, whatever it is, so thank you.

You're welcome.

SCOTT: Hey, so, can this not be a one-night stand?

For one thing, I didn't even get any. That was a joke.

What did you have in mind?

Come to the first round of this Battle of the Bands thing.

You have a band?

Yeah, we're terrible. Please, come?

(SIGHS) Sure.

Oh! Wait. Can I get your number?

Wow. Girl number.

See you at the show, Scott Pilgrim.

Hey, it's tonight. At the...

Hey. You totally came.

Yes. I did totally come.

(STACEY CLEARS THROAT)

Please excuse my brother. He is chronically enfeebled.

I'm Stacey. Hey.

This is Wallace, his roommate. Hey.

This is my boyfriend, Jimmy.

Hey.

Oh, and this is Knives.

Hey! Hey!

So, do you like?

Well, I...

Have to go.

Okay, this next band is from Brampton, and they are Crash and the Boys.

God! This is a nightmare.

Is this a nightmare? Wake up, wake up, wake up!

Once we're on stage, you'll be fine.

We were just on stage for sound check, and the sound guy hated us.

It's just nerves. Pre-show jitters.

People love us, right?

STEPHEN: Oh, man, this is bad.

This is so, so bad.

Hey, Jimmy, do they rock or suck?

They have not started playing yet.

That was a test, Jimmy. CRASH: One, two.

You passed.

Okay.

Good evening.

My name is Crash. These are the Boys.

Is that girl a boy, too?

Yes.

They have a girl drummer?

This song is called I Am So Sad, I Am So Very Very Sad.

Goes a little something like this.

(SINGING) So sad!

Thank you.

It's not a race, guys.

All right, this next song goes out to the guy who keeps yelling from the balcony.

It's called We Hate You, Please Die.

Sweet. Love this one.

(SINGING) I can feel ya, I can hear ya...

Thank you.

(AUDIENCE APPLAUDING)

So, how do you know Scott?

He's a friend.

It's hard for me to keep track sometimes, because he has so many friends.

Knives, how did you meet Scott?

Well...

SCOTT: Oh, no.

This is a nightmare.

We need to play now and loud.

Okay.

So, I was on the bus with my mom...

Is that seriously the end of the story?

Oh, my gosh!

ANNOUNCER: Okay.

They're on!

This next band is from Toronto.

And, yeah. Give it up for Sex Bob-Omb.

I heart you, Sex Bob-Omb!

(CHEERING)

Scott, are you ready?

Okay. Kim? Are you...

We are Sex Bob-Omb! One, two, three, four!

(PLAYING ROCK MUSIC)

(VOCALIZING)

(SINGING) I'll take you for a ride On my garbage truck

Oh, no I'll take you to the dump

'Cause you're my queen I'll take you uptown I'll show you the sites You know you wanna ride BOTH: On my garbage truck Truck, truck, truck We'll pass the mansions by Drive right through the needle's eye Oh, my Oh, no... My...

BOTH: My, my, my, my

I've got a stereo You've just got to turn the knob And maybe we'll go As far as we can BOTH: I'll be your garbage man I'll take out your junk And I'll crush it...

Mr. Pilgrim.

It is I, Matthew Patel.

Consider our fight begun.

What did I do?

What do I do?

Fight!

All right.

Watch out! It's that one guy.

(EXCLAIMS)


(GRUNTS)

(LAUGHING)

Well, well, well, you're quite the opponent, Pilgrim.

Who the hell are you, anyway?

My name is Matthew Patel!

And I'm Ramona's first evil ex-boyfriend.

(GROWLS)

Her what?

Anyone need another drink?

(EXCLAIMING)

(BOTH GRUNTING)

Wait. We're fighting over Ramona?

Didn't you get my e-mail explaining the situation?

I skimmed it.

Mmm-mmm.

You will pay for your insolence!


Hey, what's up with his outfit?

Yeah, is he a pirate?

Are you a pirate?

Pirates are in this year.

(YELLS)

(GROANS)

You really went out with this guy?

Yeah.

In the seventh grade.

And?

(SIGHS)

It was football season and for some reason, all the little jocks wanted me.

Matthew was the only non-white, non-jock boy in town.

So, the two of us joined forces and we took 'em all down.

We brawled and scrapped and fought for hours.

Nothing could beat Matthew's mystical powers.

(KISSING SOUNDS)

We only kissed once.

After a week and a half, I told him to hit the showers.

Dude, wait. Mystical powers?

You'll pay for this, Flowers.

(SINGING) If you want to fight me What?

Ha! You're not the brightest You won't know what hit you in the slightest

(VOCALIZING)

This guy's good.

Me and my fireballs My Demon Hipster Chicks Tell him, Matty. Tell him, Matty.

I'm talking the talk Because I know I'm slick BOTH: S-L-ick Fireballs Take this sucker down

Let us show him what we're all about That doesn't even rhyme.

MATTHEW: This is impossible. How can this be?

SCOTT: Open your eyes, maybe you'll see.

ANNOUNCER: K-O!

Sweet! Coins.

MAN: God, is that allowed?

Well, it was nice meeting you.

Tell your gay friends I said bye.

Gay friends?

Wallace! Again?

WOMAN: Get a room, guys! MAN: Oh, my God!

Oh, man, $2.40? That's not even enough for the bus home.

I'll lend you the 35 cents.

Yeah, so, Sex Bob-Omb wins.

Sex Bob-Omb won?

(WHOOPING)

(AUDITORIUM DOOR SHUTS)

(WHIMPERS)

SCOTT: So, what was all that all about?

I guess if we're gonna date, you may have to defeat my seven evil exes.

You have seven evil ex-boyfriends?

Seven evil exes, yes.

And I have to fight... Defeat.

Defeat your seven evil exes if we're going to continue to date?

Pretty much.

So, what you're saying right now is we are dating?

I guess.

Does that mean we can make out?

Sure.

Cool.

STUDIO AUDIENCE: Aw!

(STUDIO AUDIENCE CHEERING)

Someone's happy.

Well, someone got to second base last night.

And someone has a second date tonight.

Someone's lucky, then.

(STUDIO AUDIENCE CHEERING)

You know when I say "someone," I mean "me," right?

I got to second base last night.

(STUDIO AUDIENCE EXCLAIMING IN AWE)

Maybe first-and-a-half.

(STUDIO AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

So, I invited Ramona over for dinner tonight, so you can't be here.

I don't want you gaying up the place.

(STUDIO AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

Okay, Scott.

But in return, I have to issue an ultimatum.

One of your famous ultimatums?

It may live in infamy.

You have to break up with Knives, that poor angel, today.

But it's hard.

If you don't, I'm going to tell Ramona about Knives.

I swear to God, Scott.

What? You...

Hi. Morning.

Hey, Jimmy. Double standard!

I didn't make up the gay rulebook.

You got a problem with it... Stop.

Take it up with Liberace's ghost.

You're a monster.

Give me the bacon, and go do your dirt while I watch the Lucas Lee marathon.

Who's Lucas Lee?

Oh!

He was this pretty good skater.

Now he's this pretty good actor.

He's filming a Winifred Hailey movie in Toronto right now.

They make movies in Toronto?

Yes.

I'm stalking him later.

So, this Lucas Lee...

Lucas Lee is not important to you right now. Get out.

You suck.

WALLACE: Out.

Surprising no one.

Out.

Now, you listen close, and you listen hard, bucko.

The next click you'll hear is me hanging up.

The one after that is me pulling the trigger.

(PHONE RINGING)

SCOTT: Hey, Knives.

Hey, do you wanna, like, talk or whatever?

KNIVES: Are you wearing a tan jacket, like, a spring jacket, and a hoodie?

And a dorky hat?

It's not dorky. Why are you psychic?

(THUDDING) Hey!

Hey. Hey.

Hey.

Oh, my God.

I can't believe TCAD's coming to town. Will you take me to the show?

Yeah, listen...

Hey, I wanted to invite you over for dinner.

Like, Chinese food?

To meet my parents. It's my birthday dinner.

I think that's a really bad idea.

No, it's okay. Why?

I'm too old for you.

No, you're not. My dad is nine years older than my mom.

Are you even allowed to date outside your race or whatever?

I don't care. I'm...

I'm in...

Uh...

Listen, I was thinking we should break up or whatever.

Really?

Yeah.

It's not gonna work out.

Oh.


Where's Knives. Not coming tonight?

No, we broke up.

Hey, check it out, I learned the bass line from Final Fantasy II.

(PLAYING GUITAR)

Scott, you are the salt of the earth.

Thanks.

I meant scum of the earth.

Thanks.

You broke up with Knives?

Yeah, but don't worry.

Maybe soon you'll meet my new-new girlfriend.

New-new.

(MIMICS GUN SHOT)

Okay, from here on out, no girlfriends or girlfriend talk at practice.

Whether they're old, new, or New-new. New-new.

We were lucky to survive the last round.

It's sudden death now, okay?

Okay.

(PLAYING ROCK MUSIC)

(DOORBELL RINGS)

That's for me. That's for me. That's for me.

Hey, you're here.

Yes, like you said.

You know your hair?

I know of it.

It's all blue.

I change my hair every week and a half, dude. Get used to it.

So...

How do you guys all know each other?

High school, I guess.

What Neil said.

I'm Neil.

Believe it or not, I actually dated Scott in high school.

Got any embarrassing stories?

Yeah, he's an idiot.

Okay, bye. See you guys tomorrow.

STEPHEN: What about rehearsal?

Neil knows my parts.

I'm Neil.

You doing okay, there?

Yeah, good, good, good.

She changed her hair.

So? It looks nice blue.

Yeah, I know, but she did it without even making a big deal of it or anything.

She's fickle. Impulsive. Spontaneous.

God, what am I gonna do?

Can't believe you're worried about me gaying up the place.

So, how's dinner coming along?

Yeah, good, good, good.

Okay, well, I'm gonna leave you lovebirds to it.

I am heading up to Casa Loma to stalk my hetero crush.

(WHISPERS) Don't go!

Will you man the hell up?

You can get to second and a half base tonight.

You think so?

Well, if you strike out in the next hour, come find me at the castle.

If I strike out?

Okay, when. See you in 60.

This is actually really good garlic bread.

Garlic bread is my favorite food.

I could honestly eat it for every meal.

Or just eat it all the time without even stopping.

You'd get fat.

No, why would I get fat?

Bread makes you fat.

Bread makes you fat?

I wrote a song about you.

You did?

Yeah, it goes like this.

(SINGING) Ramona

Ramona On my mind Ramona

Can't wait to hear it when it's finished.

Finished?

Your hair's pretty shaggy.

Oh, God, I need a haircut, don't I?

What?

No, sorry. I just...

I got a bad haircut right before me and my big ex broke up, but that was so long ago now I can barely remember.

NARRATOR: Scott is acutely aware that his last salon haircut took place exactly 431 days ago, three hours before his big breakup.

He's been cutting his own hair ever since.

So long ago.

Sounds like a bad time.

Bad time? Not really.

It was.

It was a mutual thing.

It wasn't.

I mean, she told me it was mutual.

She dumped him. It was brutal.

What was her name?

She was Nat, when I knew her, but she stopped liking that name.

Then she stopped liking me.

Your hair is cute. I like it long.

But it would be cuter short, wouldn't it?

What? What?

Why are you wearing that hat?

I thought we could go for a walk.

RAMONA: Tell me we didn't come out here in the cold so you could cover your hair with that hat.

No, no. I just love me some walking, you know.

Just putting one leg in front of the other, like this. Walking.

You seem a little heightened.

Yeah. Yeah, I don't know.

I just sort of feel like I'm on drugs when I'm with you.

Not that I do drugs, unless you do drugs, in which case I do drugs all the time.

Every drug.

Yeah, I don't know. Just when I'm with you, things sort of seem a little brighter.

What is this place?

It's a totally awesome castle.

They're shooting this movie here right now.

MAN: Okay, everybody, let's do this. Lots to do, everyone.

Lots to do.

Did you find the guy you were stalking?

I think I'm about to right now.

MAN: Mr. Lee is traveling.

Mr. Lee?

Lucas Lee.

Oh.

Oh?

MAN: And roll sound.

(TRIUMPHANT INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC PLAYING)

I wanna have his adopted babies.

Here we go.

All right, on your marks, everyone.

Oh, man, we got to go.

What? Why?

I used to date that clown.

And...

Action.

Oh, my God.

Hey.

The only thing keeping me and her apart is the two minutes it's gonna take to kick your ass.

You dated a famous guy?

In ninth grade. We had drama.

Actually, it might have been math.

I just remember there being a lot of drama.

Hey!

He was a snot-nosed little brat. He just followed me around.

He had snot in his nose? But he's famous.

Hey! I'm talking to you, Scott Pilgrim.

He's famous and he talked to me.

The only thing keeping me and her apart is the two minutes it's gonna take to kick your ass.

Can I have your... Can I have your autograph, please?

(GRUNTING)

What's up?

How's life? He seems nice.

(SCOTT SCREAMING)

Boom!

(GRUNTING)

MAN: And that's a cut!

Scott, evil ex. Fight.

Let's get ready to go again, please. Let's get ready to go again.

Hey, hombre.

You really think you can stand a chance against an A-lister, bro?

(EXHALES)

Some competish you are.

Hey!

Hey! (SCOFFS)

Hey, I'm not done with you.

Oh! (CHUCKLING)

Looks like you're seeing double.

He's good, right?

Sometimes I let him do the wide shots when I feel like getting blazed back in my Winnie.

What can I say?

I'm nothing without my stunt team.

Hey! Ask them how it feels to always get his sloppy seconds.

How does it...

(ALL GRUNTING)


Hey, I'm gonna get a coffee. You homies want anything?

No, I just ate. Negative.

(CELL PHONE BEEPS)

(CHUCKLES)

That's actually hilarious.

Ah.

Hilarious.

SCOTT: Mr. Lee!

You're needed back on set.


(GRUNTS)

Prepare...

Prepare to feel the wrath of the League of Evil Exes.

The League of Evil Axes?

You really don't know about the League?

The seven evil exes? Coming to kill you?

Controlling the future of Ramona's love life?

No.

Oh, well, hey, listen, man. Don't worry about it.

Really? Yeah. Let's go get a beer.

That's great... (GROANS)

Boom! (LAUGHING)

(GRUNTS)

You are a pretty good actor.

I'm going for the Oscar this year.

But are you a pretty good skater?

I'm more than pretty good, ese.

I have my own skate company.

But can you do a thingy on that rail?

It's called a grind, bro.

So, can you do a grindy thingy now?

Are you serious?

There are, like, 200 steps, and the rails are garbage.

Well, hey, if it's too hardcore then...

You really think you can goad me into doing a trick like that?

There are girls watching.

Somebody get me my board.

Hi. Big fan.

Why wouldn't you be?

Wow.

Yes! He totally bailed.

Ah! I didn't get his autograph.

No.

MAN: And that's a wrap, everybody.

Hey, where's Ramona. Is she still here?

No. She totally bailed.

What's the deal? Seriously.

Let's move, people, the sun is coming up.

(VOICEMAIL BEEPING)

Hey, it's me again. Scott. Give me a call when you get this.

Scott Pilgrim.

What's the deal? Seriously.

Yep. You said that last night.

You know what really sucks, though?

What?

Everything.

Come on, guy.

You can't say you didn't see this coming.

What?

What did you think these were?

Kisses? Seven little kisses?

Seven deadly X's.

Why does everything have to be so complicated?

If you want something bad, you have to fight for it.

Step up your game, Scott.

Break out the L-word.

"Lesbian?"

The other L-word.

"Lesbians?"

It's "love," Scott. I wasn't trying to trick you.

Hey, buddy, look, if she really is the girl of your dreams, then you have to let her know.

You have to overcome any and all obstacles that lie in your path.

You can do it. Be with her! It's your destiny!

Plus, I need you to move out.

What? Yeah.

I'm kind of banking on her calling you back so I don't have to evict you and feel all guilty and shit.

(PHONE RINGING)

I have a feeling that's for you, guy.

Hey.

ENVY: Hey, Scott.

Envy? Oh, shit.

Been a while.

Yeah.

A year, I think.

Approximately.

How are you?

I'm not doing so good right now.

Oh, that's too bad. Still breaking hearts?

What? No. I've been... It's been different. You have no idea.

Probably not. Do you have a girlfriend?

Should I be jealous?

Yes, you should. I have this totally awesome girlfriend who calls me all the time and she's America.

She's American.

What's her name?

I'm not telling you that. Ramona.

Oh.

What? Do you know her?

What? No.

It sounded like you did.

I got to go. It's been nice chatting with you.

Wait.

Okay.

Everything does suck.

(PHONE RINGING) Or does it? Hello?

Hey, Knives.

What's that? You're outside?

Is Scott here?

You know what? He just left. (GLASS SHATTERING)

Really?

Yeah.

Sorry.

ENVY: Do you have a girlfriend?

WALLACE: Seven deadly X's.

RAMONA: You may have to defeat my seven evil exes.

STEPHEN: It's sudden death now, okay?

MAN: She's got some battle scars, dude.

WALLACE: You can't say you didn't see this coming.

(WHOOSHING)

Dude.

Please.

I'm really not in the mood for this.

Okay, enough!

(GRUNTS)

You punched me in the boob!

Prepare to die, obviously.

Look, I've had it today. Can we not do this right now?

I'd love to postpone, darling, but I just cashed my last rain check.

What's that from? My brain!

I'm really, really not up for this. Whatever it is.

Okay, little chicken. I'll see you later.

But you won't see me, because next time, I'll be deadly serious next time.

What?

Never mind!

Man. Someone help me.

(CELL PHONE RINGS)

Hello. It's Scott.

What did he do this time?

No, it's Scott. It's actually me.

What did you do this time?

I didn't do anything. It's everyone else that's crazy.

Look, I'm having a meltdown or whatever. Are you still working?

I'm literally about to leave.

Cool, I'm coming in.

I think I'll make it a decaf today.

Scott Pilgrim!

What did you do with my sister?

(TAPPING ON WINDOW)

Sorry, I had to go.

So, what can I (BLEEP) get you?

Is there anywhere you don't work?

They're called jobs. Something a (BLEEP) like you wouldn't know anything about.

And by the way, I can't (BLEEP) believe you asked Ramona out after I specifically told you not to (BLEEP) do that.

How are you doing that with your mouth?

Never (BLEEP) mind how I'm doing it!

What do you have to say for yourself?

Can I get a caramel macchiato?

You know what, maybe it's high (BLEEP) time you took a look in a mirror before you wreak havoc on another girl.

Me? Wreak havoc?

And speaking of (BLEEP) which, I hear the girl that kicked your heart in the ass is walking the streets of Toronto again.

So, I can just get my coffee over here?

Sorry that got a little crazy last night.

Yeah, you kind of disappeared.

Yeah, I do that.

Listen, I know I can be hard to be around sometimes.

I totally understand if you don't want to hang out anymore.

No, no, I want to hang.

You know, the whole evil ex-boyfriend thing...

Exes.

It's no biggie.

I know it's early, but I don't think anything can get in the way of how I...

Shit!

It's my ex.

A big one? Mmm-hmm.

SCOTT: Envy.

I'm gonna...

Excuse me.

Your hair is getting shaggy.

Yeah?

So, that's Ramona.

Yeah.

Okay, I'm jealous.

You're jealous?

I'm allowed.

You left me for that cocky pretty boy.

You haven't even seen him.

I know, you left me for someone I've never even seen.

Maybe you will see him. We're playing Lee's Palace.

You should so totally come.

That's so not going to happen.

Great, you're so on the list.

Caramel macchiato for (BLEEP) Pilgrim.

RAMONA: So, that was Envy.

SCOTT: Uh-huh.

What happened with the two of you?

Do you mind if we don't get into it right now?

She wanted to move to Montreal, because she missed her best friend.

This guy, Todd.

And two weeks later, they were sleeping together, I guess?

Basically.

Dated a Todd once. Didn't end well, either.

I can see how it sucks. Having the past come back to haunt you.

Is it wrong that I try not to think about it?

What do you want to think about?

How warm my place is right now.

Oh.

And you didn't bang her? Are you gay?

I couldn't stop thinking about my stupid ex-girlfriend.

Is that the Uma Thurman movie?

Scott, just because Envy is back in town doesn't make it not over.

Double negative. It's tricky.

It's over. Move on.

Word.

Right. I'm not going to let her toy with me.

From this moment on, I will think of Envy Adams no more!

I have distressing news.

Is it news that we suck, because I really don't think I can take it.

No. The Clash at Demonhead are doing a secret show tomorrow night and Envy asked us to open for them.

I hate you.

A gig is a gig, is a gig, is a gig.

Maybe you can put your history aside until we get through this thing, for the band.

For the band? For the band?

Can't we do our... For the band?

Can't we do our own secret shows?

All our shows are secret shows.

We're doing it. G-Man might be there.

We play the next round of the battle on Tuesday.

We have to get some buzz going. We need groundswell.

We need stalkers.

What would you do if your ex was in a band and they wanted you to open for them?

If my ex was in a band?

Mmm-hmm.

Might be a little awkward, but maybe it's the grown-up thing to do.

Yeah. We're all adults here, right?

KNIVES: Oh, my God!

He's dating a fat-ass hipster chick!

I hate her stupid guts!

He only likes her because she's old. She's probably, like, 25!

She's just some fat-ass white girl, you know?

I think you mentioned she was fat.

She's got a head start.

I mean, I didn't even know there was good music until two months ago!

Hey, this really burns.

You should rinse.

(WATER FLOWING)

When I got this idea, I just thought, "I have to do it!"

I can't hear anything you're saying.

Oh, God! I look so good.

Ramona Flowers stole my Scott.

But I know how to get him back.

How?

(ROCK MUSIC PLAYING)

(SINGING) Come on, come on

Thank you, we were Sex Bob-Omb.

(WHOOPS) Yeah!

We have some merch at the back, so...

Okay, bar? Now?

Level with me. Did we suck?

I don't know. Did you?

She has to go. She knows we suck.

Hey, Ramona.

Hey.

What the hell?

Hey.

Hey, Scott.

What the hell?

Look who Knives is hanging out with.

RAMONA: Who is that girl again?

Scott dated her.

Briefly, briefly.

How old is she?

I gotta pee on her.

I mean, I gotta pee. Pee time.

ANNOUNCER: And then it was time for Toronto to drown in the sweet sorrow of The Clash at Demonhead!

(AUDIENCE CHEERING)

CROWD: Envy! Envy!

SCOTT: That guy on bass...

ENVY: (SINGING) Oh, yeah

...that's Todd.

I know.

Oh, yeah?

You know?

Oh, yeah!

Oh, no.

Hello, again, friend of a friend I knew you well

Our common goal was waiting for the world to end Now that the truth is just a rule that you demand You crack the whip Shape-shift and trick the past again Send you my love on the wire Lift you up, every time Everyone pulls away from you That was... That was devastating.

Oh, my God. Just, oh, my God.

Yeah, you should see them live. They're much better live.

I think I'm gonna throw up.

(JULIE GROANS)

I can't even believe I'm saying this, but Envy Adams would like you all to come backstage.

All of us?

Did I (BLEEP) stutter?

Wait, how do you know Envy?

Scott dated her.

(GASPS)

Hey, Ramona.

Hey, Todd.

It's been awhile.

Mmm-hmm.

Mmm-hmm?

I think we should get out of here.

So, how was the tour? You guys play with the Pixies?

You're like a superstar now.

Yeah, it's not really something I can put into words.

Um, Envy...

I read your blog.

So, Scott and Ramona, eh?

What of it?

You guys make a cute couple, you know?

(SCOFFS)

Suit each other.

You're my role model, Envy.

Ramona, I like your outfit. Affordable?

Envy, I was just gonna say did you get those jeans in New York?

I'm talking to Ramona right now.

Ramona lived in New York.

Did she?

I was just there. Played the Chaos Theatre, for Gideon.

You know him, right?

(GASPS)

I've kissed the lips that kissed you!

(GRUNTING)

Knives!

TODD: What?

I'm not afraid to hit a girl.

I'm a rock star.

NEIL: Oh, my God!

You punched the highlights out of her hair.

He punched the highlights out of her hair!

You are incorrigible.

I don't know the meaning of the word.

So, you guys doing anything fun while you're in town?

Fun? In Toronto?

That's it! You cocky cock!

You'll pay for your crimes against humanity.

(GRUNTS)

(WHIMPERS) My neck.

Your hair.

ENVY: Didn't you know?

Todd's vegan.

(COUGHING)

Vegan?

It's not really that big of a deal.

No kidding.

Anyone can be vegan.

Ovo-lacto vegetarian maybe.

Ovo-what?

I partake not in the meat, nor the breast milk, nor the ovum of any creature with a face.

ENVY: Short answer, being vegan just makes you better than most people.

Bingo.

(SCOTT SCREAMING)

STEPHEN: Hey, man, question.

I always wondered, how does not eating dairy products give you psychic powers?

Okay.

You know how you only use 10% of your brain?

That's because the other 90% is filled with curds and whey.

Did you learn that at Vegan Academy?

Go ahead and get snippy, baby.

If you knew the science, maybe I'd listen to a word you're saying.

(SCOTT SCREAMING)

If I peed my pants, would you pretend I just got wet from the rain?

It's not raining.

Oh.

Then why don't you give me the Cliff Notes on how and why you ended up dating this A-hole.

Is that really important right now?

Well, if there's a key element in his backstory that's gonna help me out in a critical moment of not dying, yes.

I was only dating Lucas until the minute Todd walked by.

Guess that's not very nice, but I used to be, kind of like that.

We hated everyone. We wrecked stuff. Nobody cared.

He punched a hole in the moon for me.

It was pretty crazy.

A week and a half later he told me his dad was sending him to Vegan Academy, so I dumped him.

Have you dumped everyone you've ever been with?

You've never been the dumpee?

Look, I've dabbled in being a bitch.

It's part of the reason I moved here.

I was really hoping to just leave it all behind me.

TODD: Hey, lovebirds...

We have unfinished business, I and he.

He and me.

Don't you talk to me about grammar.

I dislike you, capisce?

Tell it to the cleaning lady on Monday.

What?

Because you'll be dust by Monday.

Um...

Because you'll be pulverized in two seconds.

And the cleaning lady, she cleans up dust.

She dusts.

So, what's on Monday?

Because it's Friday now. She has the weekends off, so...

Monday. Right?

Basically, you can't win this fight.

You're gonna have to give up this girl, because Todd's gonna kill you.

You used to be so nice!

(SCREAMING)

Scott, we're gonna go to Pizza Pizza for a slice.

Call us when you're done.

He'll be done. Real soon.

Sounds like someone wants to get funky.

(BASS GUITAR PLAYING)


(GRUNTING)

(GROANING)

I can read your thoughts. Your will is broken. You're through.

What say we drink to my memory?

Fair trade blend with soy milk?

(SCOFFS) I'm sorry, but that's pathetic.

Dude, I can see in your mind's eye.

You put half-and-half into one of those coffees in an attempt to make me break vegan edge.

I'll take the one with soy.

Thanks, tool.

Actually, muchacho, I poured the soy in this cup.

But I thought real hard about pouring it in that cup.

You know, in my mind's eye or whatever.

What are you talking about?

You just drank half-and-half, baby.

Freeze! Vegan police!

Vegan police!

Todd Ingram, you're under arrest for veganity violation, code number 827, imbibement of half-and-half.

That's bullroar!

No vegan diet, no vegan powers!

But it's only my first offense.

Don't I get three strikes? I mean...

Take it.

At 12:27 a.m. on February 1 st, you knowingly ingested gelato.

Gelato isn't vegan?

It's milk and eggs, bitch.

On April 4th, 7:30 p.m., you partook a plate of chicken parmesan.

(GASPS)

Chicken isn't vegan?

The de-veganizing ray. Hit him.

(SCREAMING)

ENVY: Oh, my God!

No. No.

You once were a vegone, but now you will be gone.

Vegone?

Yeah! Yeah!

Sorry, I guess.

Sorry?

You just headbutted my boyfriend so hard he burst.

You kicked my heart in the ass, so I guess we're even.

Natalie.

Natalie? No one calls me that anymore.

Maybe they should.

Let's get out of here.

For the record, I am so pissed off for you, right now.

Shut the (BLEEP) up, Julie.

Okay.

We're still going to the after-party, right?

KIM: I'm not sure there's going to be much of a party.

I think a third of the band just went "poom."

Yeah, cool bands never go to their own after-parties.

Just the desperate people trying to rub elbows with the label guys.

Then why would we... Oh.

Neil, you down?

Scott, you're in, right?

You wanna go?

Well, I kind of almost died back there.

I'm not saying I want to go.

Yeah. We can totally go.

I'll do whatever you want to do.

So, let's go.

RAMONA: We really don't have to go to this thing.

It'll probably be a bad scene all around.

No, I'm fine. It's just...

It's just... Well...

Have you ever dated someone that wasn't a total ass?

So far, you're not a total ass.

But I'm part ass?

If it makes you feel better, you're the nicest guy I've dated.

Wait, is that good?

It's what I need right now.

But not later?

Scott, I don't have all the answers, okay?

I'd just like to try and live in the moment if I can.

I'd just like to live.

RAMONA: Look, I know Todd was bad news, but are you saying Envy wasn't?

We all have baggage.

Well, my baggage doesn't try and kill me every five minutes.

What did you do to make your ex-boyfriend so insane?

Exes. Whatever.

No breakup is painless, somebody always gets hurt.

What about you and that girl, Knives? Who broke up with who?

I believe I broke up with her.

And was she cool with that?

Knives is with Young Neil now. She's totally cool with it.

You sure about that?

Yeah, she's very mature for her age.

We had a very healthy breakup.

We're all peaches and gravy.

KNIVES: (ECHOING) No!

What about you and Kim?

Me and Kim? I can barely remember.

It was high school. She had freckles.

That's it?

Yeah, it kind of ended. We changed.

That's really the whole story?

Okay, fine, I had to fight a guy to be with her. Okay?

I fought a crazy, 80-foot-tall, purple-suited dude and I had to fight 96 guys to get to him.

He was flying and shooting lightning bolts from his eyes, okay?

And I kicked him so hard that he saw the curvature of the earth.

Does that make you feel any better?

Well, now you are being a total ass. Welcome to the club.

I'm sorry. I'm not usually like this.

Hey, don't worry. I don't even know what I'm like anymore.

I think this ex-boyfriends thing is messing with my head.

Exes. Why do you keep saying that?

(GRUNTING)

SCOTT: The girl from earlier?

Roxy? You know this girl?

Boy, does she know me.

What is she talking about?

He really doesn't know?

Wait.

Hmm?

You and her? It was just a phase.

Just a phase? You had a sexy phase?

It meant nothing. I didn't think it would count.

It meant nothing?

I was just a little bi-curious.

Well, honey, I'm a little bi-furious.

Do that again and I will end you.

Back off, hasbian.

If Gideon can't have you, no one can.

The League has spoken.

Well, then Gideon best get his pretentious ass up here because I'm about to kick yours out of the Great White North.

(EXCLAIMING)

Wallace? Uh-huh?

This is happening, right? Oh, yeah.

Kick her in the balls.

(BOTH GRUNTING)


I'm sending you back to Gideon in a thousand pieces, you slag!

(CROWD EXCLAIMING)

Ha!

I'd rather be dead than go back.

He's a creep, you're a bitch, and you all deserve each other.

Give it a rest, Ramona. This is a League game.

Meaning?

Meaning your precious Scott must defeat me with his own fists.

I don't think I can hit a girl. They're soft.

You don't have a choice.

(BOTH GRUNTING)

Fight your own battles, lazy ass!

Lazy ass!

(GRUNTS)

Every Pilgrim reaches the end of his journey.

Some sooner than others.

(GRUNTING)

Your BF's about to get F'd in the B.

Her weak point is the back of her knees.

Wait, how does that work?

Whenever we were making out I would just...

Okay, enough.

(GASPS)

(WHIMPERS)

You'll never be able to do this to her.

(ROXY MOANING)

(PEOPLE LAUGHING)

So...

Two gin-and-tonics, please?

I thought you didn't drink.

Only on special occasions. Why? Did you want one?

Guess we really don't know that much about each other, do we?

Maybe you could just give me a list of all of your exes so that I can at least know who's going to beat my ass into the ground next.

Like a handy little laminate or something? Let me see if I have one.

Maybe we could exchange our information.

Hey, just out of sheer curiosity and concern for my mortal well-being, is there anyone at this party that you haven't slept with?

(SIGHS)

I think we should split.

As in get out of here, or as in split, split?

I'd hope you could figure that out.

Or did you miss the part where I saved your ass?

How could I? I feel like we just washed our sexy laundry in public.

Dirty laundry. You're drunk.

I had, like, one drink.

I'm sorry I cared. I don't enjoy all this, Scott. In fact, I'm sick of it.

I thought you might be more understanding.

I just...

You're just another evil ex waiting to happen.

That was harsh.

That was not good.

That was embarrassing.

One more.

P.S. Here's your stupid list.

Matthew Patel, Lucas Lee, Todd Ingram, Roxy Richter.

Who the hell are the Katayanagi Twins?

STEPHEN: Oh!

You don't know?

The Katayanagi Twins just happen to be the next band in the battle.

They are totally bad-ass.

Ramona dated twins? Apparently.

At the same time?

You know what?

I don't know and I don't want to know.

Good. Because you know how I feel about girls blocking the rock.

Good, I play better when I'm in a bad mood.

If it's gonna be an issue though, Young Neil can fill in for you.

It's not an issue. You know bands, I know battles. We got it covered.

But we'd understand if you didn't want to take part.

Not only do I want to take part I want to take them apart.

Okay, I'm getting tingles.

Whoa!

Okay, we're doomed. Oh!

That poster needs more exclamation marks.

STEPHEN: Oh, man, we're gonna get killed.

Come on, we're going on in five minutes.

Wait, aren't the Katayanagis going on first?

I think you're both on first.

Wait, "Amp versus amp"?

We're going on stage at the same time?

That's impossible.

SCOTT: Okay, my bad.

Your bad is saying, "My bad."

(SIGHS) We shouldn't even be here. We shouldn't even be here!

Come on, man! I put my problems aside for the music.

If I can do that, we can do anything.

Did you speak to Ramona, then?

What? No. I haven't seen her since the other night.

Oh.

She's totally here.

(INAUDIBLE)

Scott?

Not that I care, but you should go talk to her before she's gone.

Thanks, Kim.

And I really don't care.

GIDEON: I didn't mean to put you through all that.

I only did it because I love you. You know that.

(ELECTRONIC MUSIC PLAYING)

(PLAYING HIGH NOTE)

(HARMONIZING)

Okay, gang, can we do this?

I mean, we can do this, right?

Right.

Scott?

Scott!

They tore the roof off!

(WHOOPING)

We are Sex Bob-Omb and we're here to make you think about death and get sad and stuff!

(PLAYING ROCK MUSIC)

This is the beginning of the song.

(SINGING) I'm hearing voices, animal noises The crème de la crème The feminine abyss And reaching my threshold Staring at the truth 'til I'm blind

My body's stupid Stereo putrid Spilling out music Into raw sewage Reaching my threshold Staring at the truth 'til I'm blind

My threshold Reaching My threshold

(CROWD CHEERING)

(GROANING) Let's just break up now and get it over with.

We screwed the pooch in front of Gideon Graves. We're done!

Gideon's here? Where?

That geeky guy next to your girlfriend.

That's Gideon?

Gideon is G-Man?

All right, let's do this.

(SINGING) Reaching my threshold My threshold

(ROARING)

(HARMONIZING)


(ROARING)

GIDEON: We're out.

(BEEPING)

What are you doing?

Getting a life.

I just came to see your show.

I have to...

Ramona.

Ramona, I need to tell you something.

Yeah, I have something I have to tell you, too.

Great. Listen, I know you play mysterious and aloof just to avoid getting hurt.

I know you have reasons for not wanting to talk about your past.

I want you to know I don't care about any of that stuff because I'm in lesbians with you.

What?

I really, really mean it.

Oh! Okay.

It's your turn. What did you want to tell me?

That we have to break up.

What?

It's Gideon.

I just can't...

I can't help myself around him.

GIDEON: That's the bad news.

Hey.

The good news is that I'm officially loving the Sex-Bombs.

Bob-Omb. Three-piece rock outfit with a smoking hot red-head on drums.

Music to my ear-holes.

(MOANS)

You know what? I'm not even going to wait to see how you guys do in the final.

I'm signing you right now for a three-album contract.

See? I'm not such a bad guy after all.

You think we're going to sell our souls to you? Well, guess again.

No, I can't be a part of the band with this douche in charge.

Ow! Scott.

You got to try and keep your emotions in check, man.

Don't let what's past ruin your future.

The people need to hear us, Scott.

Then you're gonna have to find someone else to play bass.

(CLEARING THROAT)

Whoops.

Sign, sign, sign, and we are all set.

Sweetie, shall we?

Oh! Scott.

You know, we really should be thanking each other.

I mean, if it wasn't for me, Ramona would never have been with you but if it wasn't for you she wouldn't have gotten back with me, so I guess it all shakes out.

Scotty, buddy,

between you and I, the whole League of Evil Exes thing?

I was in a really dark place when I put that together, so...

Forgiven?

All right, let's go.

Yes!

This is it, guys. We are on our way.

I said "lesbians."

(THUDDING)

STACEY: Scott.

Was she really the one?

The what?

I mean, did you really see a future with this girl?

Like, with jetpacks.

Time heals all wounds, little brother.

Maybe next time we don't date the girl with 11 evil ex-boyfriends.

Seven.

That's not that bad.

(CELL PHONE BEEPS)

Hey. Yeah, I know.

It's so pathetic!

(SCREAMS) WALLACE: Turn off the light!

(WALLACE CLEARS THROAT)

Presumably, you just saw some guy's junk and I apologize for that.

SCOTT: Okay.

And he apologizes, too.

MAN: Sorry.

WALLACE: Scott, you know I love you.

But I'm gonna need my own bed tonight.

It's for sex.

Right.

I may need it for the rest of the week, too.

Right.

And the year.

I get it.

Maybe you can move in with Ramona.

She's with Gideon.

Oh, man.

That's probably just because he's better than you.

Mmm.

Either way, this fight is over.

Mmm-hmm.

(PHONE RINGING)

MAN: (WHISPERING) It's for Scott.

It's for you, big guy.

Hello.

GIDEON: Hey, pal.

I just want to say I feel terrible about earlier.

I don't want any hard feelings.

So I figured, why not be the bigger man and just give you a call.

Is Ramona with you?

I don't know. Are you with me?

Yeah.

(SCOTT SCREAMING)

Geez, buddy, it's gonna be all right.

No, I just spilled hot cocoa on my crotch.

Mmm-hmm.

Listen, as you know, I'm opening a new Chaos Theatre in Toronto.

And the Sex-Bobs are playing our grand opening tonight.

It would feel really weird for all of us if you weren't there.

They just did a sound check and the acoustics in here are amazing!

Yeah? Maybe I'll see you there.

I hope so, amigo.

I don't want any more bad blood between exes.

What do you say?

Mmm.

Okay, laters.

WALLACE: What a perfect asshole.

Forget what I said earlier. Finish him.

(UPBEAT ROCK MUSIC PLAYING)

(CLOCK TICKING)

(UPBEAT ROCK MUSIC CONTINUES PLAYING)

Password?

Whatever.

Cool.

Second password?

(SIGHS)

Cool.

(SINGING) We're not having no fun We're not having no fun No. The first album is much better than the first album.

Fun No fun

(VOCALIZING)

Scott! Let it go.

Don't give him the satisfaction.

What if I want the satisfaction?

GIDEON: Scott Pilgrim!

(EXCLAIMING EXCITEDLY)

Buddy, welcome to the Chaos Theatre.

Somebody get this man a drink. A Coke Zero, right?

(ALL EXCLAIMING)

I'm not here to drink.

Whoa, I've got no beef with you.

What if I have a beef with you?

Are you still mad about the whole thing with The Guild?

You mean The League?

The Guild, League, whatever. It's ancient history.

I'll show you how ancient of history it is!

Wait, wait, wait!

There's no use crying over spilt Coke, buddy.

The lady made her choice and we're all just gonna have to move on.

Well, I ain't moving, buddy.

You wanna fight me for her?

Was that not clear?

I don't know.

Now, why on earth would you want to do that?

Because I'm in love with her.

(GASPS)

(ANNOUNCER SPEAKING)

Aw! I think this deserves a song.

Kimberly!

We are Sex Bob-Omb.

We are here to make money and sell out and stuff.

One, two, three, four!

(PLAYING ROCK MUSIC)

(ALL GRUNTING)


Your club sucks, by the way.

Well, if my cathedral of cutting-edge taste holds no interest for your tragically Canadian sensibilities, then I shall be forced to grant you a swift exit from the premises.

(EXHALES)

And a fast entrance into hell!

KNIVES: Scott!

(GRUNTS)

Knives?

That's priceless.

You'll pay for what you did to him.

Listen, Kung Pao Chicken, your old, old boyfriend brought this all on himself.

He was warned plenty of times, but did he listen? No.

I'm not talking to you. I'm talking to her!

What?

You broke the heart that broke mine.

Get ready to Chau down!

(YELLING)

You're kidding, right?

(GRUNTING)

Wow!

I mean, you can't say I don't know how to put on a show, right?

That's incredible.

(BOTH GRUNTING)

What the hell is your deal?

You stole him!

Stole him!

I don't know what you're talking about.

You liar! Liar!

I didn't steal your boyfriend! I didn't steal Scott!

I didn't steal anyone!

(ALL GRUNTING)

KNIVES: You steal my boyfriend!

Wait! Wait!

Can we please stop all this fighting? Nobody stole anybody.

Knives, I dated you and then I dated Ramona, okay?

Maybe I forgot to tell Knives right away.

You cheated on me, Scott?

You cheated on both of us?

You cheated on me with Knives?

No, I cheated on Knives with you.

Is there a difference?

You weren't wronged?

Right?

(GROANS)

(ALL GASP) Game over.

Scotty, you can cheat on these ladies all you like.

But you can't cheat death.

(GROANING)

Oh, man.

Sorry. Dying's got to suck.

You know what sucks? Getting killed by that guy.

Why him?

It's complicated.

Well, I'm not going anywhere, so now might be a good time to get into it.

Truth is, it was me who was obsessed.

I was crazy about him. But he ignored me.

I was more alone when we were together than I ever was on my own.

That's why I had to leave.

And that's when he started paying attention.

So, why go back?

I can't help myself around him, Scott, he just has this way of getting into my head.

Well, that's legitimately disappointing.

I really will leave you alone forever now.

No, he literally has a way of getting into my head.

That is evil.

I didn't mean for you to get dragged into this, Scott.

I just wanted something simple.

I'm sorry it had to end this way.

Well, I really fought for you.

Maybe I'm not the one you should have been fighting for.

What? Wait.

But I feel like I learned something.

Which would be great if I wasn't dead.

So alone.

RAMONA: You're not alone.

(BEEPING)

Right!

Your hair looks stupid.

Second password?

COMEAU: Yeah, I saw it.

It's just the comic book is better than the movie.

(SINGING) No fun Scott! Let it go.

Don't worry, I know what I'm doing.

Stephen, the new lineup rocks.

You guys sound way better without me.

Young Neil, you have learned well.

From this point forward you will be known as "Neil."

And, Kim, I'm sorry about everything.

I'm sorry about me.

Scott Pilgrim! Hey, buddy!

Save it! You're pretentious! This club sucks!

I've got beef. Let's do it.

Wait, wait, wait!

You want to fight me for her?

No.

I want to fight you for me.

(ANNOUNCER SPEAKING)

Um... Kim!

We are Sex Bob-Omb and we are here to watch Scott Pilgrim kick your teeth in!

One! Two! Three! Four!

(PLAYING ROCK MUSIC)

(COUGHING)

How's it going back there?

You dick!

Knives?

I know you're in here. Don't attack...

Scott!

(GRUNTING)

Steal my boyfriend!

Taste my steel!

Enough!

No, Scott.

This fat-ass hurt me and I will have my revenge!

No, Knives, I hurt you. I cheated on you.

I cheated on both of you.

I'm really sorry.

And you're not a fat-ass.

She didn't mean that.

So, are we all good?

(DEVICE POWERING OFF)

Never felt better.

Yoo-hoo!

Are we done with the hugging and learning?

I thought we had a fight going on here!

You've got a fight, all right!

Wrong move, baby.

(GRUNTING)

Hey.

(YELLING)

You made me swallow my gum.

It's gonna be in my digestive tract for seven years.

(ALL GRUNTING)


Yeah, still my girl.

Let's both be girls.

(SCREAMING)

ELECTRONIC VOICE: Bad! Bad!

What?

ANNOUNCER: Get ready!

Here we go!

Good! Good! Good!

ELECTRONIC VOICE: Combo!

Perfect!

(CHUCKLES)

(DISTORTED) Who do you think you are, Pilgrim?

You think you're better than me?

I'll tell you what you are.

A pain in my ass!

You know how long it took to get all the evil exes' contact information so I could form this stupid league?

Like, two hours! Two hours!

(COUGHS)

You're not cool enough for Ramona.

You're zero! You're nothing!

Me? I'm what's hip.

I'm what's happening!

I'm blowing up right now!

You are blowing up.

Right now!

ANNOUNCER: K-O!

(IN SLOW-MOTION) Wow!

Yeah, wow.

(CYMBALS CRASHING)

There goes our deal!

We're still getting paid, right?

There goes our deal.

Oh! Oh, God!

You two make a good combo.

Yeah?

Yeah.

GIDEON: Scott Pilgrim.

(GIDEON CHUCKLING)

You can defeat me, Scott, but can you defeat yourself?

KNIVES: Uh-oh!

Nega Scott.

ELECTRONIC VOICE: Nega Scott!

No.

This is something I have to face.

Myself.

Solo round!

SCOTT: They have this incredible French toast with bananas on it and you get bacon on the side.

I'm liking that.

Let's do it next week. Yeah, Tuesday.

Yeah, all right. Be good.

Yeah, yeah.

Hey.

(NEGA SCOTT WHISTLING)

What happened?

Nothing, we just shot the shit. He's just a really nice guy.

We're gonna get brunch next week.

We actually have a lot in common.

Your hair, it's getting really shaggy.

It is? Yeah.

You should probably get it cut.

Yeah, you're right.

I should get it cut.

At a salon.

Salon, yeah. That sounds really nice.

Hey.

You're going?

I should probably disappear.

After all that?

I still need a new life.

I came here to escape, but the past keeps catching up.

I'm tired of people getting hurt because of me.

I'm pretty sure I'm gonna get over it.

I don't mean just you.

I understand.

I should thank you, though.

For what?

For being the nicest guy I ever dated.

That's kind of sad.

It is kind of sad.

Bye, and stuff.

Yeah. And stuff.

KNIVES: Go, get her.

SCOTT: What?

You've been fighting for her all along.

But what about you?

I'll be fine.

I'm too cool for you anyway.

Ciao, Knives.

Go.

SCOTT: Hey.

Hey, mind if I tag along?

You want to come with me?

Yeah, I thought maybe we could try again.


ELECTRONIC VOICE: Continue? Nine, eight, seven, six, five, four, three, two, one.