Scouts Guide to the Zombie Apocalypse (2015) Script

Mind if I do a quick mop?

You're shouting.

What?

I can come back later. No, it's fine.

Just don't touch anything.

"Just don't touch anything."

Dickbreath.

You want a Tic Tac?

All right. I'll take that as a no.

Oh. Come on.


Oh...

What the hell happened to you, dude?

Dod? What the fuck kind of name is Dod?

Oh!

Go, go, go, go, go.

Come on!

No! Oh, no, no, no. Reset, reset.

Oh, shit. Oh, shit.

Dod! Come on!

Clear! Accept! Accept the motherfucker!

Shit. Okay. All right.

Um...

I'll do CPR. Yeah.

All right! Some Takis Fuego.

Come on!

Come on, breathe, dude!

Oh, shit! Oh, hell, no.

Okay. All right. All right. Come on, Dod.

Come on. We got this.

Please, come on, Dod!

One, one thousand!

Two, one thousand!

Ah!


No, no, no!

No, no, no!

Come on.

Ah!

You are kidding me.

Oh, crap.

Why?


You know what's cooler than cool?

Scouting!

Action!

Hi, there, guys. My name is Scout Leader Rogers.

And I'm here to show you what scouting is all about. Come...

Being a Scout is about the bonds of friendship.

Check it out!

These Scouts are on their way to earning a Bow and Arrow Badge!

Badges are the Scouts' highest symbol of achievement.

Scouts can earn all sorts of badges.

What's cooler than cool?

Scouting!

All right, are you in or are you in?

Hey, listen, there's free cookies every Friday.

We do sing-alongs on Saturdays.

It looks great on a college application!

I love this tragic ritual.

Someone's gonna sign up, guys!

We have to keep trying!

Augie, a unicorn's gonna fly out of your ass before somebody joins.

Carter! Language.

Yeah, he's right. Nobody's ever gonna sign up.

It's just a waste of time.

Ye of little faith. Where's that Scout spirit?

Look, guys, we're not gonna quit trying just because we lost a couple hours sitting around on our butts with nothing to show for it.

I mean, some people spend their entire lives and have nothing to show for it.

Well...

I think we all know it's Augie's special night.

After years of hard work and dedication, he will receive the highest honor of a Scout, the Condor Badge, in a ceremony at tonight's campout.

Okay. Let's see.

Latrine duty: Carter.

No! No, no, no, no. I always dig the shitter.

It's called a latrine, not a shitter.

All right, Ben, you're on wiener duty.

That's enough.

Carter, nobody eats a hot dog like this.

All right. Ben, why don't you lead us in the Scout Oath?

Come on. All right.

This do I swear:

To live courageously, to help others when I can, defend what I must, so help me God.

Scouts forever!

Scouts forever!

Scouts forever.

Scouts forever.

Forever!

Ben, we have to tell Augie.

I know. I know. We're ditching Scouts.

Yeah, we'll tell him.

We've been talking about it for over a year.

I know. We just have to find the right time.

Okay, we'll do it tonight, then.

No, we can't tell him tonight. He's getting his Condor Badge.

He's been working toward this ever since he joined Scouts.

You know how much it means to him.

Especially since his dad can't be there.

It's been two years, Ben.

We can't just stay in Scouts because we feel sorry for him.

Come on, that's not the only reason we're staying in Scouts.

Come on, you've had fun.

Had fun, okay? Past tense. Had.

And now I am ready to move on. I mean, you realize it's gonna be junior year next year.

I mean, you know what that means, right?

We start thinking about college.

We start thinking about pussy, Ben!

Come on. Junior year is when all the girls become sluts.

Oh, really? Yes.

And if we're sitting here in these Scout uniforms, it's gonna be the male version of a chastity belt, Ben.

Oh, shit. Shit.

What the fuck was that?

Holy shit. Oh, my God.

Oh, shit.

Dude, that scared the shit out of me.

Yeah, me, too.

No, like, literally, a little shit came out.

Dude, stop.

Jesus Christ. You hood-fucked Bambi.

I didn't mean to! It wasn't my fault, Carter!

It was just standing there!

Oh, shit.

Oh. Damn it.

Great. Just awesome.

Is that a spare for your bike or the car?

Shit. My dad's gonna be so pissed.

Carter, where are the other lug nuts?

How should I know? I've been sitting here doing nothing.

Yeah. I noticed.

Oh. Dude, that's my sister.

Kendall! Kendall!

Hey!

Hey.

Can you help us?

Catch! Ow!

Jeff! What?

I said, "Catch."

I thought he had it.

Sorry, bro. It's my bad. Yeah.

Are you guys okay? I mean, what happened?

We hit a white-tailed deer. It was huge.

Yeah. We were just driving, and then it was like, boom!

You guys hit a deer? That's awesome.

Nope, not awesome. Are you kidding?

Nothing awesome about it. Look at my car.

What's up, Chloe?

Hey... Hey.

Carter. Carter!

Yeah. I sit behind you in Spanish class.

Oh, gracias.

So, I'm really down with this whole little Scout uniform you guys got going.

All these little patches and stuff.

Actually, Ben and Carter have been Scouts together since, what, you were like six, right?

Yeah, yeah. A long time. That's awesome, man.

Ben's like my little brother.

Yep. That's me. Little brother Ben.

Hey, Jeff!

All right, well. Sorry about that face again.

Hey, are you going to the party tonight?

What's up?

Yo! Aber-blow-me and Bitch, man. What's up? Hey.

Always coming up with good ones.

Listen, I was just talking to Carver here, and...

Carter.

I came up with a great idea. Really?

Hit me. What do we have?

How'd recruiting go?

Oh, the usual. Yeah, no one joined.

I think it's just a big joke at this point.

It's not a joke.

I think it's really cool you guys have stuck with Scouts.

One day you're gonna look back on this and you're gonna be really happy you did it.

Okay. Thanks.

Looks like the deer made out better than your car.

Yeah. Wait, what? What do you mean?

Well, where is it?

It's right over there.


Holy shit! Holy shit, man!

You dick. What's wrong with you?

Dude. Dude, okay. You're never gonna believe what happened.

Hey, you sure you guys don't need a ride?

No, we're good.

See you boys tonight.

Hey! See you tonight, man!

All right? All right?

Bye, Chloe! Bye!

What are you talking about, tonight?

Dude, you are never going to guess what happened.

We got invited to the secret senior party, man. Look.

Who cares? Look, the deer is gone. What about the deer?

Dude, fuck deers, man!

We are going to the secret party, man! Come on!

I'm gonna fuck Chloe.

I'm gonna fuck Chloe.

Ben, come on. This is the chance of a lifetime.

Okay. I mean, quit acting like you don't want to go.

Of course I want to go. I do.

But it's Augie's big night. He's getting his Condor Badge.

We can't miss the ceremony or he'd never forgive us.

Okay, look, hear me out.

We go to the campout, and when Augie and Rogers fall asleep, we will sneak out and go to the party.

Carter...

We'll be back before dawn, it'll be like we never even left.

I don't know. It just sounds...

Ben.

This could be the night of our lives.

Please.

All right. I mean, I guess we could try.

Okay. I love you.

You're amazing. Thank you!

Whoa! What the hell?

Hi, Mrs. Fielder. Hi.

Your garbage cans were blocking my driveway again.

Had to move them myself, which is no easy task with a herniated disk.

Okay, great.

You tell your father to keep his trash on his side of the property.

Okay, we'll do that, Mrs. Fielder. Thank you.

All right, thanks. Yep. Can you just move right there?

Thank you. Bye!

Jesus Christ.

You old hag! Okay. Thank you.

She is so annoying.

Oh, my God. Can you imagine living next to that?

Oh, my God. Dude, how many cats does she have?

Dude, who knows. She probably rubs Fancy Feast on her cooch and lets them all go to town.

What?

Meet me here at 5:30 and then we'll go to Camp Womp Womp.

Then we'll go to the party. All right?

All right? All right. All right.

See you soon, man.

All right. See ya.

Oh, litterbugs.

Come on.

Biotine?

How'd you get way out here?

Well, Peter Morris, finders keepers.

Hello?

Hello?


What's wrong with you?

You A-wipe!

C-word! All the other words!

Oh, doodle!

That's my lucky knife!

Teach you to mess with Scout Leader Rogers!

So we're just gonna walk in there like this.

No I.D.'s, just buy some beer?

Just give me the $20, fool. Come on.

Cough it up.

Any day now. Come on.

Hang on. It's Velcro. It takes a second.

Watch a pro.

Hi, sir. How are you today?

Hey, baby.

Oh, nice. Great plan, Carter.

Just give the money to a drunk bum. That'll work.

Yeah!

Just the cheap stuff.

Did you see Officer Hottie?

No. I was too busy watching you lose 20 bucks.

Okay, I gave him very specific instructions.

He's gonna buy us a couple of six packs, and he can keep the change.

Jesus.

Whoa.

Holy shit, dude. That's her.

What? Who?

It's Denise What's-her-face.

She went to our high school.

She dropped out a couple years ago.

Now she's a stripper.

How do you even know that?

She's a legend.

What the fuck is he... Jesus Christ.

Sir!

I'm not paying for these items.

Sir?

Shit! Oh, uh...

It's okay. I got it. Seriously, I got it.

Fucking ghetto-ass bag.

Here.

What are you doing?

It's a sheet bend knot.

It's impossible to break.

You're pretty handy.

Thanks.

Get out.

Nice legs. Huh?

Costume party?

Oh, no, I'm...

I'm a Scout.

Like an actual Scout?

Yeah, well. We got a campout tonight.

So you work across the street?

Yep. Glamorous, huh?

Yeah. I mean, I've never been in, but I hear it's nice.

It's got a good Yelp review.

What? Nothing.

You're just... You're really cute.

Thanks.

Come on, Carter.

Please tell me you did not ask that guy to buy you beer.

No, it was his idea.

Rookies.

Where are you...

I need my $20 back.

It's not all yours.

You're dirty. Look how dirty...

Here.

Thank you.

Thank you. Here.

Oh, my God. Thank you.

You're the most amazing person ever. Thank you.

Yeah. Thanks.

It's cool. And thanks for the help, Legs.

Yeah.

Dude, what the fuck was that?

Oh, my God.

I would tongue-pound her salty walrus any day of the week.

Oh, shit.

He's staring at us. Go.

Dude, I thought you said that Kendall broke up with that Jeff guy.

Dude, I thought so too.

It's like, one moment, they're together and the next moment, they're broken up.

So he's a dick.

It's like no doubt...

Hey, guys!

Hey, what's up?

All right. Campsite is halfway set up.

Nice. Great.

What's up? What's up?

What's up?

Oh! Too slow. Too slow, buddy.

Where's Scout Leader Rogers?

He was supposed to be here to help me set up, but so far he's a no-show.

That's weird. He's never late.

Yeah. Maybe he quit Scouts.

Quit Scouts? Yeah, right.

That's hysterical!

Want to know what I think it is? I think it's a test.

A test?

Well, yeah. I'm getting my Condor Badge today.

I have to prove that I'm ready.

Yeah, and check this out.

I'm charting diets for the Animal Study Badge and I walked right into that.

What is this? It's deer scat.

Oh, dude! What the fuck, man?

Carter! I needed that!

You needed that? It's shit, Augie!

No one needs shit!

I need it! I've been looking all week for it.

Oh, God. It's gonna be a long night.

Just feeding it through, in and out.

Oh, yeah.

There you go.

Good job, bud. I did it!


What the fuck, man? Was that your ass?


Beans? Weenies?

Why do we always have to eat welfare food?

Because we're camping, Carter. What do you want?

Something artisan. Something that doesn't make me fart every five seconds.

Shut up. Quit being such a bitch.

Augie? Augie?

Hey, Augie!

Use my lighter.

I'm not gonna get my Fire Making Badge using a lighter, Carter.

Just use it. No!

Why? 'Cause!

Augie.

Augie, just use it. You can get it next time.

What the fuck? Why the hell can't I get service?

Carter, we're in the woods.

I always get service up here.

Maybe Mother Nature wants you to put the phone away, Carter, and be in the moment.

Oh, is that what Mother Nature wants?

Maybe Mother Nature wants this.

Fucking bull's-eye, man!

You're an asshead, Carter.

Wait! No, no, no, no! Don't take it off.

Here we go. Wait. Hold still.

Hold still. Ready? Say, "marshmallow."

Carter sucks donkey balls.

Wow.

That's a thing of beauty.

You better not post that.

I'm definitely posting that. It's my masterpiece.

All right. BRB, guys. I got to pee.

Barn owl?

I think it's a spotted owl.

Yeah, you're probably right.

Hey.

Guess what I found when I was hiking up here?

I found the tree we carved our initials into.

No way! Yeah.

Really? Yeah.

Wow. That was like seven years ago.

I know. Crazy, right?

Oh. That was the same day Carter sat on the cactus when he was taking a shit, right?

And your dad had to pick out the needles.

Yeah.

Augie, I know we don't talk about your dad much, but it's okay if you want to.

I just don't want to be a downer, you know.

Come on, Augie, you're not being a downer.

He was your dad.

You can talk about him.

Thanks, Ben.

Yeah. Of course.

Hey.

Scouts forever?

Yeah. Scouts forever.

Ben. Hey.

Come on, Ben. Let's go.

Carter, I don't know about this.

Will you stop crying about this?

Let's go. Come on, we're doing this.

Let's go. Come on.

Come on.


Are we interrupting?

You look amazing.

Thank you.

Hey, have you guys seen my brother?

He should have been here by now.

No. I haven't seen him anywhere, no.

But look, I'm sure he'll be here any second. Okay?

Dude. What if Augie wakes up and we're not there?

He's not gonna wake up.

If Chewbacca was fucking Bigfoot in our campsite, he'd still be asleep.

Whoa.

What is that? What?

Look. Look, he was here.

Okay. So, he decided to go back home.

He changed his mind.

No, no, no. Scout Leader Rogers would never leave his lucky knife.

I think something's wrong.

Dude, what's wrong is us sitting here talking about this.

Give me that.

Dude, look. Look at his prints.

His foot was dragging like he had a limp or something.

Okay. Hurray for your mad tracking skills.

Can we just... Can we go? Please?

What?

I just think something really bad happened to him.

Are we still talking about Rogers? Yeah.

Dude, he is sitting at home dressed up like Dolly Parton singing show tunes. Relax.

Oh, shit.

Augie, wait! Augie!

Augie!

I thought we were best friends.

We are best friends.

We were coming back. Really?

After your party?

You know about that?

Everybody knows about the senior party, Carter.

Even a loser like me.

Augie, don't say that.

Why not? It's what you guys think!

We don't think you're a loser.

Ben, just tell him.

Carter, no.

Yeah, tell me, Ben.

Come on! Say it!

We're quitting Scouts, Augie.

Look, it was fun when we were kids.

But we have to grow up, man.

Augie. We're still gonna be best friends.

Go to your party.

Augie.

Augie, wait!

Augie, come on!

Just leave him, Ben.

What the fuck... What's wrong with the radio?

Carter, are you seeing this?

Seeing what?

Look. The town's deserted.

Everyone's probably asleep.

On a Friday night?

I don't know. Something just feels really weird.

Oh, hey. Pull over right here.

I can't wait to get out of these stupid uniforms.

All right. Let's see here.

We're just gonna change right here?

Nobody's around.

Let's see. Jeans. T-shirt.

Condoms. Good to go. Uh...

Forget socks? Yes, I did.

Holy shitballs! What?

Dude, look.

What?

The bouncer, he's gone!

Carter, someone smashed the door.

We should sneak in.

That's illegal. Let's sneak in. Come on. Let's do it.

Carter, we can't go in there!

Come on!

We can't go in there. We're minors.

It's the chance of a lifetime. Who cares?

What are you doing?

It's gonna be awesome!

Oh, my God. Wait, wait, wait.

Okay, it's clear. Come on. Let's do it.

Sweet Jesus.

This is it, Ben.

We've made it.

We're at the epicenter of pussy.

Oh, shit. I got to go to the ATM, get some cash.

You find us a spot.

Yeah. That shouldn't be too hard since there's, like, nobody here.


Hey!

My friend brought me here. He's getting money.

I have a girlfriend, sort of.

Don't worry, Mommy, Daddy's here!

Dude, this is fucking awesome!

Dude, something's wrong with her.

Look at her chest. What's all over her?

No, no. That's makeup, dummy. It's a jungle theme.

Oh, wow.

This is so hot.

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God!

Run! Quick, run!

Door, door, door, door!


Ugh!


Get up! Get up! Get up!

Carter! Ben? Ben.

What the fuck is going on?

I don't know! They're trying to kill us!

I just wanted to see some titties! I know!

Wait. You're the stripper.

Cocktail waitress.

Scout Leader Rogers?

Scout Leader Rogers, are you home?

Hello?


Holy cow.

Calm the fuck down!

Calm down? Are you crazy? We almost got killed in there!

Is that your ride? Can you please just tell us what the hell is going on?

I really need to wash up my face right now!

Keys, now!

No! Not until you tell us what's happening.

Anybody got a wet nap?

What the fuck do you think is happening?

Everyone's eating each other!

Wait, like a... Yes, like that!

That's not possible.

I think it's possible, Ben.

A dead stripper just tried to eat my face!

Oh, shit!

Oh, fuck. Oh, shit.

Just shoot it! Shoot it!

Yep. Zombie.

Any more questions?

Drive, dude, go! Come on!

Where are you going? What the fuck?

Oh, shit!

Carter, get the tire!

I got it.

Guys, hurry up! They're getting pretty fucking close!

Come on! I'm going as fast as I can.

Find the fucking lug nuts.

Fuck.

Seriously, hurry the fuck up!

I got them! Here. Here.

Put it on!

Okay. Good. Put it on! Put it on!

Fuck!

I got it!

Oh, shit!

You got to be fucking kidding me.

Go! Go! Go!


Scout Leader Rogers! What happened tonight?

We were worried about you.

I know. It's bad. I'm so sorry. I had to use your bathroom.

I think it was the beans.

And the marshmallows.

I tried spraying. It just lingers.

Your neck!

Scout Leader Rogers! Please!

I think you're having a bad allergic reaction to something!

We need to get you to a doctor!


"All evacuation buses have departed.

"Proceed north on Route 1

"to the security checkpoint at mile marker 17."

Oh, shit. They evacuated the town.

That's great.

I missed the party, and I missed Chloe, and now I'm gonna die. Guys.

Carter, calm down! We need to figure out what we're gonna do. Guys!

Come on.

Go, go, go!

Carter, lock it! I'm trying to fuckin' lock it, man!

It's not working.

Come on! I'm trying!

Move!

Come on!

Carter, get the ax!

Go, go, go.

They're coming!

This way!

Fuck!

This is fucking awesome! Now what?

I'm really sorry I set you on fire, Scout Leader Rogers.

But hopefully, it's not as bad as it looks.

I used a double overhand stopper knot.

It's hard to get out of, right?

Oh!

Okay. All right.

Okay, now. I'll be right back.

Just stay there.


Dude, what the fuck?

Haven't you had enough to eat? Jesus.

Carter, stop agitating them.

What? I need a new profile pic.

So, do you think they evacuated everyone at the party?

Yeah, of course. They had to.

At least we know our parents are okay.

Yeah. Where are they?

They went to some lame spiritual yoga retreat.

Ugh. I think I'd rather be in here.

I hope Augie's okay.

Who's Augie? He's our best friend.

Well, ex-best friend now.

Why ex?

Because we ditched him for a party.

Ben, we were gonna go back.

Whatever, Carter. We ditched him. We're bad friends.

Why didn't you guys just take him with you?

You don't know Augie.

What? He's just different.

Big geek?

He collects deer shit and weaves baskets.

Okay? You do the math.

Okay.

Word of advice, chasing parties and popularity in high school?

It's a total dead end.

None of that shit will matter later.

Trust me. I know.

You're right, but didn't you, like, drop out of high school?

No, I got my GED. Why?

'Cause not everybody has a lily-white life like you do.

Okay. God, you're so hostile.

No, hostile is three seconds from now when my foot's up your ass.

Okay, yeah. Try all you want, but I happen to have a very tight asshole.

I think I could stretch it out for you.

Oh, well, then lube me up, baby.

Carter! We're gonna play the quiet game now, okay?

All right, you know what? Fine.

I'm over both of you.

You're pretty good at that.

Yeah, I guess that Whittling Badge finally paid off.

What about you?

What about me?

How'd you learn to use a shotgun like that?

My ex-boyfriend was really into guns.

He used to drag me to the firing range once a week.

Oh.

So, no boyfriend now?

Not if I can help it.

Well, why do you say that?

I don't know.

Let's just say, I have really shitty taste in guys.

I'm better off alone.

Nobody's better off alone.

Yeah, well, I am.

Aww, what a beautiful moment.

Ow! Asshole, that hurt!

Yeah, that was the point! Oh, was that the point?

Guys! Shh!

Do you hear that?

Is that Crank That?

They're leaving.

I love this song!

You would.

Look! Right there.

Fuck. But they're gonna come back.

What are we gonna do?

Condoms! What?

Carter, give me your condoms! Hurry!

Here. Take them and open them and tie them together.

Why are we doing this?

Just do it! Okay, okay.

Here's one.

Come on, hurry!


Here we go. Fly fishing. It's genius.

Go on, just a little bit. Get it right up there.

There you go. Come on.

It's right up there!

You got it, come on.

Good work. Yes! Yes!

No, no, no!

Jesus!

You got arrested?

No, we locked ourselves in.

How? It was an accident!

This has to be Augie.

Augie, get the keys.

You kicked them into the drainpipe over there.

I can't reach it! Shit!

Shit, they're coming back.

Hold on.

What, is there a Lockpicking Badge I'm unaware of?

How'd you find us?

Followed the stench of betrayal.

Augie...

I saw your car. I figured I'd help.

Augie, look, I'm really... Got it!

Go, go, go!

Close the gate!

Oh...

...my...

...God.

Carter, let's go!

Come on! Okay!

Oh, God. I touched them! I touched them!

I don't think they were real.

Fuck, my feet are killing me.

The security checkpoint's only a few miles away.

Dude, I'm starving.

How can you even think of food when people are being eaten alive?

You know, they say that humans taste like pork.

"They"?

Cannibals, I guess.

Dude, I love bacon.

Hey, look.

Maybe the keys are inside.

Jesus! This guy again?

Someone kill him!

Carter, we can't just keep going around killing people.

Why not?

Because he's a human being!

Okay. We'll see how you feel when he's eating your nutsack like a street taco.

Um, guys, he's getting pretty close.

Remember our Wilderness Safety Seminar?

What?

When encountering a hostile creature, be sure to assert yourself in order to keep the animal at bay.

Well, I...

That is a zombie, not a bear, dumbass.

Guys, I think he's mimicking me.

Augie, quit messing around.

Augie.

What?

Augie, what are you doing?

What are you doing?

Okay. Did I just drop acid, or are they really singing Britney Spears with a zombie?

Is that all of you?

Yeah. What the hell's happening?

Don't know yet. Some kind of viral outbreak.

CDC ordered a military containment perimeter.

Is most of the town evacuated?

As many as we could.

This thing hit so hard and fast, we're still trying to contain it.

What about everyone at the party? Were they evacuated?

What party?


Well, where is everybody?

Nobody's here. It must be a mistake.

Yeah, 1146 Dunton Avenue. This is it.

It's not a mistake, Carter. Jeff sent you a fake address.

What?

Carter, this is a waste plant.

You get it? It's full of shit.

Motherfucker! God damn it!

I can't believe he sent us a fucking fake address!

Why does it surprise you?

I mean, did you actually think he was gonna invite us to a real party?

Karma.

What?

Nothing. No, speak up.

Well, I just think it's a little ironic that, you know, you're all upset now because you got ditched.

Oh, okay. So you're saying that we deserve it.

We went to your stupid campout, dude.

You lied to me.

We've been lying to you for the past three years!

Carter! Going to every Scout meeting, every lame field trip.

Wearing these stupid fucking clothes so everybody can make fun of us.

Carter, that's enough!

Ben, you're not hiding behind me this time.

Tell him.

Talk about how many times you said you hated Scouts, how sick of it you were.

I never said that. Bullshit!

No, no, no. It's fine.

I guess it's time for it to all come out, right?

He's had a crush on Kendall since sixth grade.

That is not true! Yes, it is.

Kendall? As in my sister Kendall? Mmm-hmm.

No. Dude, that's like incest.

No, it's not, I'm not even related to her.

So you do like her, then.

No, I don't like her! Told you.

Shut up!

Stop!

Again with this shit? Jesus.

Can't you just walkie someone?

Hey, are you okay?

Guys!

Shit!

Get him!

I'm so fucking sick of zombies!

Yikes.

Wa-wa-wee-wa.

Shit!

Hello! Is anybody there?

Evac complete.

No, no, no, no. We're still here!

We have Operation Clean Up.

Commence aerial bombing of site at 0300. Repeat, 0300. Over.

What?

No, somebody help! Hello! Hello!

Somebody help, please! Hello!

Fuck!

They're gonna bomb the town in two hours?

What are we gonna do?

We have to find Kendall and the others!

It's a secret party. They could be anywhere.

Shit.

My sister's diary!

She writes every last boring detail of her life in there.

I guarantee she wrote down where the party is.

We better get fucking going, then.


Okay, now.


All right, come on.

Whew! It smells like Pixy Stix and hope in here.

You've never been in a girl's room before, have you?

Yeah, I... Mom doesn't count.

Well... Any female relative doesn't count.

Guys! Can we focus? Where's the diary?

She changes the hiding place, like, every week, so just spread out and start looking.

Did you find it? Nope.

Nothing over here.

Hey.

Did you guys hear that?

Hear what?

I think I heard something downstairs.

Augie, go check it out.

I'm not going down there by myself.

Go with him. Why me?

Call me when your balls drop, dude.

Shh! Don't walk so hard.

You have squeaky floors.

This is Carter's sister?

Yeah. That's Kendall.

Well, she clearly won the genetic lottery.

Yeah. She's okay. I guess.

Dude, she's more than okay.

You don't have to be all cool about it.

Shit.

Fuck. Come on.

So, how come you haven't told her you like her?

What's the point?

She's never gonna go for a guy like me.

And she's got a boyfriend.

And Carter would kill me if I touched his sister.

Okay, look. Here's the deal.

And don't take this the wrong way, but you have to man up.

Yeah, but I suck at being that guy.

I'm not assertive like that.

Kiss me.

What?

Don't "what" me, just do it. Kiss me.

Are you serious?

Yeah, I'm serious. I saw you checking out my ass earlier.

I know you want to do it. Just kiss me.

No, I wasn't. Ben!

Okay, for a second I did. Kiss me.

Denise, I...

You can do it. Just go for it.

I'm sorry! I'm sorry! Oh, fuck! Fuck.

I'm so sorry. Are you okay? I'm fine.

See? I told you we shouldn't have done that.

It was a bad idea.

No, no, no. Let's just try it again.

No, I feel stupid. We should look for the diary.

Come here.

Not bad.

Really?

It wasn't, like, top five or anything. Don't get excited.

But, yeah, it was okay. Oh.

When you see Kendall, just walk straight up to her, lay some of that shit on her, and you're golden.

Okay. Thanks.

Guess we left it open.

Hey, Augie.

Ben didn't want to leave you tonight.

It was my idea.

What difference does it make?

It's done.

Yeah.

Oh, fuck!

Come on.

What the hell is going on down there?

We're fine! Everything's under control!


No! No, no, no, no. Fucking, no! Not my ass!

Oh, no, no, no, no!

My ass! My ass!

She's gumming my ass!

Oh, my God!

Carter!

Oh, God! Oh, it's disgusting!

Carter!

Peace out, bitch!

What the hell happened?

Shit. Back upstairs! Back upstairs!

Come on, come on!

Move it!

That's not gonna hold them!

Did you find the journal? No! We looked everywhere!

Guys, we got to go! Come on!

Oh, my God! They're coming!

Guys, if we jump, we might be able to clear the fence!

What? Fuck it, let's just jump!

The fence is like 10 feet away!

I'll go first! Go, go!

Okay. Go, go, go!

Augie, you got to go now!

Hurry!

I can't, I'm afraid of heights!

Be more afraid of zombies! Go!


Is that his wiener?

We got to do something.

Guys, help me! I'm falling!

Hang on to that cock, Ben!

Guys, hurry! Help me!

What are you doing?

Hey! Assholes! Come and get me.

Hurry!

It's ripping!

His dick's ripping!

I got it! Dude!

I got it. Where was it?

Underwear drawer. Classic.

Run!

Lock it.

Augie, get the lights.

The power's out.

Where the hell are we?

Mrs. Fielder's house.

I can't believe we just chopped her head off.

She tried to eat my ass, Augie. She deserved it.

Guys, we got to keep moving. Come on.

Carter, check the window.

Shit, they're everywhere.

Miss Fielder's car is in the garage.

Maybe we can get out that way. This way.

What was that?

I think something's in here.

Fuck, cat.

Augie?

Dude, dude.

Augie. What?

Don't move.

Did you get it? I got it! I got it!

Run!

Come on, come on, come on!

Open the garage door!

It won't open!

Go! Ben, go!

Fuck it!

Oh, my God. It's Scout Leader Rogers!

He looks like shit!

I set him on fire.

What? He tried to eat me!

Wait, what are you doing? No, don't...

Sorry, bro!

All right, the diary said they're at the old rec center on Dewer Street.

Hopefully, we're not too late.

All right, I'll try to get help as soon as I can.

Just be careful.

Denise. Yeah?

Look, I don't know what's gonna happen, but I just wanted to let you know that you're one of the coolest girls I've ever met.

And, uh, I hope you meet someone that deserves you.

Thanks.


Guys, let's go. We got to get to the party.

Ben, this is a suicide mission.

Guys, they're gonna bomb this whole town in less than two hours.

What if Denise reaches the military in time?

And what if she doesn't, Carter? Then what?

Who's gonna save them? The police? They're gone.

The military? They're not coming, either.

Guys, we're the last line of defense.

And so what? Maybe we look like dorks in these uniforms.

And maybe we're a big joke to everyone at school.

But tonight, we're gonna show them what being a real Scout's all about.

So, are we just gonna stand here with our thumbs up our asses?

Or are we gonna go out there and save the world?

Fuck, yeah, dude.

That was a really good speech, Ben.

Thanks, Augie.

Let's do it.

The rec center's that way.

We're making a pit stop first.


Are you serious?

None of my text messages are going through, Travis.

Don't worry about that, baby.

Where are you taking me?

Um, it's a surprise.

You need a little spanking, don't you?

Ew.

Travis, what the fuck?

Come on.

Okay, this place is disgusting.

I need to examine you.

Get over here. Oh, okay.

God, you're so sexy.

Thank you.

Okay, we're not about to fuck right now.

Why not?

Because we've only been dating for, like, two minutes.

What about a blow job?

Travis, I spent an hour trying to find this piece of gum.

Sucks.

Okay, fine. You can eat me out.

Really? Yes. You're welcome.

When I'm in jail the first thing you do is talk to another chick.

What the fuck?

Hey, pervert, fuck off!

You serious, bro?

I was in jail!

Hello? Are you going to do it or what?

Ooh! Your mouth's kind of cold.

Stop.

Stop! Come on, babe.

Stop it! What the fuck's your problem?

I'm worried about my brother.

He should've been here hours ago.

He's not coming, babe.

How do you know?

Because I gave him the wrong address.

What? They're Scouts, Kendall!

Look, what'd you think, I was gonna invite them for real?

Come here. You are such a dick!

What? You're not leaving. Watch me!

You're not going!

Fine, go, bitch!

Oh, Jesus, girl. Get a fucking tampon, would you?

Someone help!

Help! Please, someone help!


All right, Scouts, let's kick some zombie ass.


Boom.

Chloe?

Oh, man.

Nailed it.


What a dick.

Ben, they're everywhere!

Circle up!

You want some of this?

You assholes! Die!

Come on! You want a piece of me?

Ben! Ben!

Help!

Ben!

Hang on, Kendall! I'm coming!

Oh, shit.

Oh, shit. Shit, start! Come on!

Ben, look out!

Shit.

Ben, duck!

Ben!

Kendall, come down! Climb down, hurry!

Are you okay? Yeah, I think so.

Guys, come on!

Come on. Come on!

We got to get everyone out of here! Let's go!

Everybody! Get to the stairs! Come on!

Let's go!

Come on, everybody, move!

Hurry up! Come on, come on! Let's go!

Let's go!

Let's go! Come on!

Oh, shit!

What are you doing?

They'll follow you if we don't lock the doors! You gotta go!

What about you? You got to go! Trust me!

I'm not leaving you! No!

Go! Go! Trust me!

I'm out! Oh, shit!

There's too many of them! Come on, let's go! Hurry!

Let's go!

Oh, fuck!

Let's go!

Come on!

Hurry, come on!

Go, Augie, go!

Run! Run!

Where's the door?

There's got to be another exit.

I don't see one!

We're trapped. Shit.

There's no way out of here. Fuck.

What do we do? Give me your backpack.

What? What are you doing?

What is that? It's a bomb.

You made a bomb?

What are you, the Taliban?

Either we die fast or we're eaten alive and turn into one of those things!

Your choice.

Shit. Carter, give me your lighter.

Here.

Are you guys ready?

Wait! What?

I need to say something.

Ben, it's fine.

You don't have to do this. No, I do.

We should have never ditched you tonight, Augie.

What we did was really messed up.

He's right. We've been complete D-bags.

It's my fault. I never should have made you guys think you had to be in Scouts for just me.

No, that's just it!

I thought I wanted out, but I was just worried what other people were gonna think. The truth is, I love being a Scout.

And I love it because it's the reason I met you guys.

And I know tonight's been really crazy and fucked up, but one good thing has happened.

And it's this, right now.

Us.

Being back together.

Scouts forever.

Scouts forever.

Scouts forever.

Ben? Is it really lame if I hold your hand right now?

No.

Oh, God damn it. This stupid thing!

What are you doing? It's out of fluid!

Here. Give me that.

Wait, do you have another lighter?

God damn it, Augie, we were supposed to die fast!

This is gonna hurt so bad.

Come on, Augie, you can do it!

Don't pressure me! I hate that!

Yo, dipshits! You just gonna sit there or what?

Where'd she come from?

Augie, leave it!

Augie, let's go!


Are you guys okay?

I'm alive. I'm alive!

Oh, my God! Augie!

Dude! You're a genius! It worked!

That was fucking awesome!

Fuck, yeah, man! It worked!

What the fuck?

Is that Scout Leader Rogers?

You got to hand it to him. The man is a fighter.

Oh, shit. Does anybody have a weapon?

There's got to be something around here.

Ah!

Every goddamn time! Ugh!

Now you decide to show up.


Evacuation fleet moving to secondary location.

Dude, you look like shit.

Yeah, well, what do you expect?

I've been killing zombies all night.

Yeah, you were kind of badass last night.

Well, thanks for coming back.

Somebody's got to keep saving your ass.

Yeah, I guess so.

So, um, are we gonna hang out after this, or...

Come on, I feel like the four of us are a team now.

Relax, dude.

You've got some business to take care of right now.

Go for it. You got this.

All right. Go.

I am so happy that you're okay.

Oh, that's so sweet. Up top!

Dude, I'm not high-fiving that.

Come on.

You think I'm high-fiving that?

Come on!

Aww, look at them!

Who are you?

I'm a Scout.

All right, well, this just means I'm gonna fuck his mom. Hey!

What?


Come on.

The end.