Screwed (2000) Script

[ whistles ]

Willard, bring in the videocassette recorder.


Suddenly, I realized that, uh, I don't have a pension plan.

I don't have a health plan. I don't have a dental plan.

I don't have--

[ barking ]


[ woman ] Willard!




Where the hell is my blue hat?

I, uh, I don't know, Miss Crock.

Do you expect me to go to my 10:00 meeting like this?

Oh, no, no. Absolutely not, Miss Crock.

I'll-- I'll help you find it.

I'm cold! Taking a coffee break, lazy bones?

All right, this is a good job. This is a good job.

Aha! I should have known it was you.

[ growling ]

Uh, you know, Miss Crock, you have such an appreciation of fine clothing, I was thinking maybe it was time you buy me a new uniform.

You look just fine to me, Willard.

And you're dismissed.

But it's disintegrating. The buttons are barely hanging on.

Oh, Willard, that is a terrific suit.

Your father worked for me for 30 years.

Wore that suit every day. Never complained.

Yeah, and then he died, and then at the funeral, you made the undertaker give it back to you... so you could stick me in it for another 15 years.

Just what are you implying?

Miss Crock, it's Christmastime.

I'm only asking for a new uniform.

Only a new uniform?

And pretty soon it'll be only a new broom, maybe.

And before you know it, I will be only bankrupt.

Now, would you please get out of my sight... before I kick you in the ass?

[ Miss Crock ] It's not my fault you have frost on your strawberries.

We have a contract.

Oh, well, then, I'll see you in court. [ knock at door ]

Excuse me, ma'am. I've got the Danish.

Okay, bring them in.

Miss crock, I'd like you to meet...

Gunn Froling, Erland Vetterlund, Per Malmsjo and Bertil Guve.

The executive team from Copenhagen Snak Food.

I'm just flattered that you're even considering my little factory.

Ja. Ja. Lovely output.

Oh, that's terrific, Gunn. You are truly a great Dane.

[ laughing ] [ clears throat ]

Come, gentlemen. I'd like to show you the bun room.

I'm sure you're gonna love it.

[ chuckles ] It's just past jellies and creams.

What a bunch of bores.

[ mocking Dutch language ] I never know what the hell those guys are saying.

Never mind about that. Do you think we've got a deal?

Does Big Boy have a weight problem?

Mm-hmm. Soon you're going to be the richest, prettiest, sexiest lady in the entire pastry industry.

I've told you, Chip, not in the office.

[ chattering ]

Hey, nothing says Christmas eve like some hot spicy chicken wings.

[ all ] All right!

If they're so goddamn yummy, how come you only show up when it's free?

Hey, there he is. About time.

Can you believe it? The old prune had me cleaning her chimney.

Oh, she thinks Santa's coming to pay her a visit.

Now, look here. Be careful with this 'cause it's kind of strong.

Willard, you need to make a new year's resolution-- quit working for the ball buster.

Show her who's boss, man. Take a shit in her soup.

Thanks. That's real constructive.

You know the way things are: a man has a job, he holds onto it.

In your case, till he dies of old age.

Yeah, like my old man.

You know what he said to me on his deathbed?

He said, "Stick with Miss Crock. You'll get ahead."

I don't know what he was talking about.

Merry Christmas, Willard.

Merry Christmas, Rusty.

♪ Good King Wenceslas looked out ♪

♪ On the feast of Stephen ♪ Oh, chip, it's beautiful.

Now open yours.

Oh, I'm so excited.

Oh, Virginia, what a sweet gift!

Well, I know how much you like money. It's $50,000.

You can buy anything you want with it.

What are you standing around for, Willard?

We don't want a mess now, do we, on Christmas?

[ growling, barking ]

Will that be all?

That will not be all.

Merry Christmas.

Miss Crock, I wasn't expecting this.

I thought of something, and I knew you'd be thrilled to death with it.

Oh, Miss Crock, God bless you.

Open it! Open it! You are a good woman.

Hey, what's this? Your favorite.

Mincemeat pie.

Where the hell is my suit?

Oh, goodness gracious. Sakes alive. I thought you'd like it.

Like it? Yes.

I-I put a pair of cuff links in there as well.

Oh, you went all out, didn't you?

A pair of crackerjack cuff links and one shitty pie!

Hey. Hey, man. What are you doing?

I thought we were going to Leroy's Christmas kegger?

Yeah, well, Miss Crock said I gotta spend a night in the box.

Damn, it's like a Filipino prison.

Get in that sweatbox! Leave me alone!


Uh, feliz navidad.

Oh, just in case you get hungry.

[ barks ]

Beat it. This is my dinner. [ barks, growls ]

[ grunts ] Oh, you rat, I'll squash you.

[ barking ]

Come here. [ barking ]


I can't believe I've tolerated him for as long as I have.

He's just a user. Willard's exploited your generosity.

That's exactly right.

I mean, his father, Teddy, was a nice man.

But enough is enough. Really.

Well, tomorrow, we'll-- we'll fire him.

Throw his stuff in the furnace.

[ screams ]

[ creature on TV ] Santa Claus must be stopped.

There will be no Christmas this year. You got that right.

You're not gonna believe this.

The old grinch is gonna fire me.

That's ridiculous, man. Why would somebody fire their slave?

Because she's mean. She picked Christmas day to do it.

Damn! You need revenge.

[ man on TV ] Revenge! We need revenge!

Revenge! We need revenge!

Let's kidnap Santa Claus. We'll break into his North Pole toy shop and seize him.

Maybe those moon men are, uh, are onto something.

You mean we should kidnap Santa?

Wait a minute. Why don't we just kidnap Miss Crock?

That's crazy. No, that's brilliant.

We'll grab granny, we'll hold her ass for ransom.

And if they don't pay, we start hacking off her fingers.

First her thumb, then her pointer, then her little nasty finger.

Hey, man, what are you talking about?

We're not criminals. You fry chicken, I drive a car.

When that money comes rolling in, I'll go crazy, man.

I'll-- I'll laminate my menus.

Hey, shut up, okay?

We know nothing about kidnapping an old lady.

Hey, but what about her dog?

You mean Biscuit? No, Muffin.

Yeah, she loves him more than anything in the world.

I bet she'd pay plenty for that old bag of fleas.

Yeah, I bet she'd pay a million bucks.

[ digital voice ] ♪ A million bucks a million bucks ♪

♪ A million bucks a million bucks ♪

Remember, we have to be quiet inside the house.

Miss Crock is a light sleeper.

You ain't gotta worry about me.

This place is nice.

What the hell are you doing?

I'm checking for electric eyes.

There's no electric eyes.

How do you know that? They're invisible. Trust me.

I've lived here my entire life.

[ sighs ]

So, this is where the old bitch sleeps, huh?


[ Miss Crock snoring ]

Okay, give me the weenie.

Okay, Muffin. I have a special treat for you.

Oh, cripes.

What kind of aim was that?

Muffin, Muffin, bite my weenie.

[ growling ]

[ growls ]

Oh, the hell with this. Plan B.

[ barking ]

Will you shut that dog up? [ growling ]


Shh. You bastard!

[ screaming ]

Oh. Mm. Shh.


[ sighs ]


Hey, would you keep it down?

Ow! Keep it down? This thing is eating my hand!


Oh, Jesus, this is a nightmare!

Put him in the box! [ growling ]

[ screaming ]

Who's smarter, huh? Now who's smarter?

[ barking ] What should it say?

Um, um, we've got him.

Pay us $1 million, or he's a dead dog!

How does that sound? Fine.

Let's get the hell out of here.

[ barking ]

One million dollars! This is the happiest day of my life.

Yeah, with that money, we can do anything. I know what I'm gonna do.

I'm gonna buy me a four-star chicken hole.

I'll get a better neighborhood and a listing in the Zagat guide.

I'm gonna go someplace warm where you don't need layered clothing.

Start over. I got some good years left in me. I can better myself.

I'm gonna register at one of them four-year universities.

[ whimpering ]

My friend, here's to second chances.

[ both laughing ]

[ sighs ]

[ earplugs pop ]

Did you have a lovely sleep, Muffin? Oh, yes.

Now we'll have a lovely breakfast, you and--

oh, my... God!

Oh, my God. Look at me.

Muffin, look what they've done to your mother.

I don't know--

"We've got him.

Pay us $1 million, or he's a dead dog."

Who's a dead dog?

Willard? Willard!

Man, we've got so many choices.

I'm just trying to get out of Pittsburgh.

You said it. Hey, check out this, huh? Bora Bora.

I was thinking more like the Caribbean myself.

Yeah, well, whichever one has a school with a strong liberal arts program.

[ both scream ]

Oh, my lord! I'm dead!

We're going to jail. What do you mean "we"?

That's my picture on the front page.

Who would have thought kidnapping a dog would make the front page?

Wait a minute. They think it was me.

They think I was kidnapped. They-- they don't even mention Muffin.

Ridiculous. Why would somebody kidnap you?

I don't know, but they think someone did.

"There were signs of a scuffle, "the chauffeur's blood was found on the wall... and a note demanded one million dollars, or he's a dead dog."

[ both scream ]

Sweet Jesus! We kidnapped a turd.

According to sources, the missing chauffeur... had been a loyal employee for over 15 years.

Virginia Crock, known for her mouthwatering treats, awoke this morning to news that was not so sweet.

[ reporter continues, indistinct ]

Do you have any enemies?

Not that I know of. I'm just an elderly lady who makes pies.

Well, uh, does Mr. Fillmore have any enemies?

Who? That's Willard's last name.


Not that I know of.

Did he have anybody that he used to, uh, bring around the house?

Not that I know of.

Does he have any living relatives?

Not that I know of.

Ma'am, excuse me, but, uh, this man worked for you for over a decade, and you don't know if he has any friends or any relatives?

Detective, Miss Crock has told you everything she knows.

What are you talking about? She hasn't told me anything.

Sir, if it makes you happy, you go right ahead and find Willard Fillmore.

[ cane strikes ground ] As for me, it's time for my nap.

[ female reporter ] According to sources, Fillmore moved to Pittsburgh at the age of six.

Here's the thing. I hardly knew Willard.

Police say if you have any information, call the Pie Hunt hotline at 1-800--

How did this get so big? Rusty, we gotta turn ourselves in.

How? They think you're the victim.

Shit. You have to be really dumb to accidentally kidnap yourself.

Wait a minute. This is all gonna get pinned on me!

You gotta get un-kidnapped! You gotta escape!

The kidnappers, they go out to dinner, you chew through the ropes, you get away.

Yeah, that's good. That's good, but-- but it should be real.

Uh, there was a struggle, and I got all bruised and beat up.

This is an airtight alibi.

Here. Let me help you. Good. Good.

You like that, right? Yeah, wait a minute. Oh!

What? Oh, I got an idea.

What are we worried about? Why don't I just stay kidnapped?

Why? It makes perfect sense.

Instead of them paying a million dollars for Muffin, they pay it for me.

Why would somebody pay a million dollars for you?

'Cause I'm a man. Muffin's a dog.

But he got a pedigree. Gimme a break. I'm better than he is.

Come on! I'm better than a dog!

I'm five times better.

"Five million dollars."

It's repugnant.

It's like a rising stock.

Why did he jump from one to five? [ scoffs ]

All right now, let's see some real emotion here. You're kidnapped.

Let's see some tears. I want to feel something real.

And action. Help! Save me!

Miss Crock, I'm begging you, please, oh!

Hey, whoa. I got into MSNBC. How do you plug that camera in?

I think like this.

[ laughs ]

And in a startling development in the Pittsburgh kidnapping, this shocking videotape was e-mailed to MSNBC.

Help, Miss Crock, save me. I'm begging you.

They got me wearing chains!

I'm living in a-a cage.

Oh, they're gonna kill me. They're gonna kill me if you don't pay.

Oh, open your wallet, you tight ass!

Jesus, somebody has to do something. Oh!

[ Rusty ] Dinnertime, dog.


They got me eating kibble. Aah!

[ moans, coughs ]

I don't know how much longer I can last.

Oh, God, Chip. He's wearing a collar.

Oh, collars don't hurt. He's trying to intimidate us.

Ow! What is that?

Oh, is that urine? Oh, it is!

It is! It's human urine! [ screams ]

Chip, we're late.

[ reporters ] Miss Crock! Miss Crock!

Do you have a reaction to the kibble video? I don't--

Have you changed your mind about paying the ransom?

Miss Crock will not deal with criminals. This is a police matter.

Your chauffeur was chained up like a dog. Don't you have any compassion?

I'll show you compassion.

Get your asses off my property!

I'm afraid you didn't hear me.

I'm afraid you didn't hear me!

Today, dessert baron Virginia Crock reiterated... she will not pay the ransom.

We went to the man in the street to find out what he thinks.

She-- she's rich. She can afford it.

If I worked for that [ bleep ] slut, I'd tell her to [ bleep ] get down, get [ bleep ] busy on my [ bleep ], man.

[ reporter ] More concerned citizens have started a formal protest.

No more pies if Willard dies!

Hey, is that Hillary?

[ Rusty ] Oh, she's looking good.

[ crowd chanting ] [ truck horn honks ]

Whoo! Rich people are no good.

I never gonna eat her pie again.

This media blitz is killing us.

Our sales have dropped 50%.

[ crowd chanting ] Miss Crock, go to hell. Miss Crock--

Miss Crock, many bad things are happened.

We thought we were buying your wholesome American image.

But it's terrible shock that you don't rescue your loyal houseman.

Sweet old lady on pie box is now super-villain.

I'm sorry, honey. They're playing hardball.

If you don't pay up, they're gonna walk.

[ Miss Crock ] Fuck!

Of course I'm gonna pay the ransom.

I just didn't want to encourage those underworld criminals.

But now I want Willard home again with me.

[ cheering ] The old hag is coughing up!

Thank you, Miss Crook. And thank you Hillary for kicking her ass.

I'm free!

We are millionaires! Millionaires!

Anybody here? Hello?

Hey, what can I do for you?

Are you Rusty P. Hayes?

Yes, I am. Can I interest you in my shrimp boat special?

No, I'm here investigating the kidnapping of Willard Fillmore.

Who? You must have read about him.

I don't read newspapers.

We thought you might know him.

We were going through Mr. Fillmore's belongings, and we found this, uh, chicken dinner special punch card.

Oh, really. Oh, yeah, this guy.

I was wondering what happened to him. He was kidnapped.

Look. When he came in here, did he, uh, ever do anything unusual that would draw attention to him?

Well, one time I seen him eat 50 chicken gizzards all by himself.

Oh. Look, if you come across anything that might help us, give me a call. Sure.

I hate loose ends, and I want this case to end.

I was so scared, I thought I was gonna pee in my pants.

He knows something. He had a funny look on his face.

Why'd you have to tell him so much? I didn't tell him nothing.

All I told him was about the time you ate 50 chicken gizzards.

That wasn't me. That was some Chinese guy.

Oh, Fong did do that, didn't he?

I'm telling you we got problems.

That evil Kojak hates loose ends.

And when they pay and I don't show up, that's a loose end.

He'll go nuts. But you'll be someplace nice, like Jamaica.

Yeah, well, he'll track me there. Hey, hey, wait a minute.

What if we fooled them and made them think I was dead?

Like, uh, like maybe if we borrowed a corpse.

Hey, don't we know somebody who knows somebody who works at the morgue?

Hillary. Yeah, Hillary used to live across the street... from a fat dude who was in the army with this guy who worked at the morgue.

Oh, I forgot it was Hillary.

Oh, yeah, you can't hit her up, man.

She just walked a picket line for you.

[ doorbell rings ]

Oh, my God! Oh, my God! Oh, my God!

Oh, my God! Oh, my God! Oh, my God!

I never thought I'd see you again, and here you are.

I brought you flowers. Oh, my God.

Wow. You're such a class act.

You get ransomed, then you buy me flowers.

Well, I didn't get ransomed, per se.

Did you escape? No, I didn't escape literally.

Aah! Shit.

Where'd they go?

All right, how did you do it?

It was really no problem.

I told her the truth, we had a little sex, she told me the guy's name, Grover.

Damn. Did all that in ten minutes.

Ooh, spooky.

[ coroner muttering ]


[ mumbling ] Grover.


Hey, what are you doing? Get away from that.

I'm-- I'm sorry. Oh, it's just a rock.

Oh, it's not just a rock.

It's a pet rock.

Oh, jeez, a pet rock.

Man, I haven't seen one of these in years.

Yeah. I just dug it out of his colon.

Aah! Oh.

Yeah, yeah, it's still warm.

I got a whole collection.

Yeah, it's-- it's really amazing... what you dig out of the inside of dead people when you cut them open.

People swallow everything. Here's some dice.

The guy must have been to Vegas.

[ chuckles ] Yeah, got all kinds of stuff here.

This beautiful harmonica.

Oh, oh, don't put that in your mouth.

This is interesting here. Ah, yes.

You gotta go in that way. It couldn't have gone it this way.

He would have noticed. A broom.

Oh. [ laughs ]

Oop! Where'd it go?

Ooh, forget about it. Oh, he's dead, and then you find it.

You know, it's all kinds of stuff like that.

Oh, this is good. Yeah. This is a clicker.

Hey, honey, where's the clicker? [ laughs ]

I don't know. [ laughs ]

Inside me. Here. Look at this.

A perfectly good comb.

Grover, how would you like to make $100,000?

That's a lot of cheese. What do I got to do?

Well, I want... people to think that I'm dead.


Yeah, you just take one of those dead bodies... and dress it up like my man Willard here, and when they find it, they think it's him.

Oh, oh, you think it's that easy?

I can just take up any old body and give it to you?

I-I got filing slips.

My bodies are catalogued. This is a tight ship.

Uh, why don't you just take some old bum that nobody would notice?

A bum? Hmm.

Come on, man. If you do it, there's a hundred grand in it for you.

Will it show up on my W-2? No. No, tax-free.

Okay, good. Because why should my money... go to pave roads and build schools?

Yeah, good point. Listen. This is the plan.

Dump the body tomorrow night and make sure you get somebody that looks like me, okay?

No problem. Piece of cake.

Now, here's some clothes of mine that you can put on him.

And, uh, I got my driver's license.

You put that in his pocket. Yes.

And, uh, here's some jewelry.

Jewelry. Oh, those are nice.

[ grunts ]

Oh, whoa, whoa, wait a minute.

Isn't this suit kind of ratty?

Ain't it gonna be degrading for a dead man to have to wear this trash?

Just do it.

All right. All right. I'll do it.

Miss Crock, I just want to thank you... for agreeing to pay the ransom.

'Cause most folks-- most folks just don't appreciate the work we cops do.

[ snoring ]

Virginia. Hmm? What?

[ phone ringing ] Willard, bring in our guests some coffee.

[ ringing continues ] Willard!

Willard? What's that?

[ beeping ] I don't know.

The cover page is from Pick 'N Shop.

It's from the kidnappers.

"Miss Crock, bring the cash to Three Rivers Stadium at 10 p.m.

No cops or the chauffeur dies." No cops?

What if those bums run off with my money? Don't worry, ma'am.

That ballpark is so gigantic, we're gonna be able to hide a million cops in there.

I thought these guys were smart, but they're in way over their heads.

You think those cops are gonna show up at the stadium?

You kiddin' me, man? It's gonna be like rush hour at Dunkin' Donuts.


I'll be waiting for you in the runway lounge.

Don't forget. The flight's at midnight. then, tomorrow, we'll be lying on the beach.

Sipping margaritas. Smoking a fatty.

This is the most distressful day of my life.

Do we have to pay them all the money?

I mean, couldn't we, I don't know, sort of shortchange them a little?

Virginia, bite the bullet.

I'm sure your tax men will figure a way to write it off.

Hmm. That's a lot of green.

Jesus Christ, what the hell is the wheel doing on this side of the car?

God almighty. I don't know how poor Willard ever put up with this shit.

[ phone rings ]

[ ring ]

Hello? This is the kidnapper.

How did you get my number? Shut up. There's been a change in plan.

Don't go to no stadium.

I gotta go to the stadium.

You're not gonna do nothing until I tell you to, you smelly old bitch.

Now listen. You meet me at midtown park.

That place isn't safe after dark.

Oh, cork it. I'll see you there in ten minutes.

[ dialing ]

Quick, get me the police!

I'm still here! [ screams ] [ tires skid ]

Try any more games like that, and I'll put a bullet right through Willard's head.

Give me the money!

Oh, you're the kidnapper.

You no-good hooligan!

You decimate my house.

You violate my public goodwill.

And why? Why me? What did I ever do to you?

Gimme the money! You oughta be ashamed of yourself.

Does your mother know the kind of work that you do?

Don't you ever stop talking? Gimme the money!

Gimme the money. [ laughing ]

Now I expect you to return Willard... in exactly the same condition he was in.

He was a strong worker, and he had good teeth.

I got the money! I got the money!

Ha ha! I gotta buy Hillary a nice dinner.

Yeah, and I'm gonna buy my mom a new headstone.

Yeah, one with her name on it and everything!

[ laughing ] I got the money! Mister.

Hey, mister. What's in the suitcase?

Get away from me. Hey, mister. What's in the suitcase?

Hand it over. Get away from me, you little shit.

Mister, what's in the suitcase? Show us some respect.

What's in the suitcase? Hand it over. I don't like your attitude.

Ah, take a hike. Hey!

Ow, Jesus Christ!


Oh! Zap him! [ electrical charge ]


[ distant police sirens ]


You can't let 'em down now. You can't let 'em down.

Yeah, let's see.


[ mumbling ]

Nah. That's no good.

[ mumbles, indistinct ]

Hmm. Oh.

Not bad.

Not bad.

[ water sloshing ]

Uh-- [ clears throat ]

Don't pay any attention to me.

I'm just gonna take some work home.

I'm very conscientious.

I'll-- oh, boy.

I'll go get it. [ crash ]

Wake up. [ screams ] [ barks ]

Where am I? What is this? What's going on here?

The police found you beat up in the park.

But, of course, those incompetents... let the kidnappers get away with my money.

So, I was in the park, and-- and they got away with the five million--

You owe me, and you're going to work off that ransom... until the day Jesus calls you home.

Just the chunk light in spring water, not in olive oil, and a Diet Coke.

Got it. Oh, there you are, as I live and breathe.

Pittsburgh's finest. I'm truly sorry, ma'am.

But if it's any consolation, we had every inch of that stadium covered.

We had snipers. Who-o-o cares?

Would you do me a favor?

Find... my... cash.

I gotta get outta here.


Mr. Fillmore, I, uh, I was wondering if I could have a few words with you.

Sure, of course. How can I-- how can I help you?

I wonder, Mr. Fillmore-- Mr. Fillmore--

Mr. Fillmore, I wonder if you would, uh, give me a description of the kidnappers?

The kidnappers. Well, I-I never actually saw the kidnappers that well... because I was, uh, I was kept blindfolded.

Blindfolded. Uh-huh.

But you were not blindfolded on the video.

No. No, I wasn't.

Uh, no, I wasn't blindfolded on the video, you see, but I didn't see the kidnappers then either because, uh, uh, uh, they hired a TV crew to shoot the video.

Yeah, yeah, we did it in a vid-- in a studio with a crew.

[ laughs ]

You got any Nuprin?

No. Why? What happened in there?

The bozo's covering for the kidnappers.

I really gotta get out of here.

[ screaming ]

Where do you think you're going? Rusty!

Yeah, Rusty. Where you been?

Rusty, the drop-off did not go as planned.

Yeah, I concur, because the plan never mentioned... my best friend two-timing me. I didn't two-time you.

Come on, man. "I'll do the drop all by myself, that way Rusty won't get in trouble."

Where's the bag of money? Why ain't you at the airport?

What are you doing in a hospital, hmm? A street gang took the money.

Bullshit. You're ripping me off.

I swear to God. It was these big muscle men in the park.

They-- they beat me up, and they took the five million bucks.

They had guns and tattoos and-- and they had those two sticks on a chain... that you swing and you hurt people with.

You expect me to believe that you were mugged?

Mugged? It was more like a rape.

Well, not a real rape.

Look, grand inquisitor, if you had ripped me off, would you barricade yourself in a hospital room with 20 cops outside?

You make an interesting point.

It's not imaginable that things could be more botched.

Oh, yeah? What about Grover?

Oh, no. That fruitcake's gonna be dumping my fake body.

[ phone rings ]

Hello. County morgue. Rita speaking. Can I help you?

[ Willard disguising voice ] I'd like to speak to a Grover Cleaver.

I'm sorry. Mr. Cleaver no longer works here.

Bitch, what are you talking about?

Mr. Cleaver quit yesterday.

He said he was joining the super rich.


Grover retired from the morgue.

Too wealthy to hold a job.

Man, we are no good at this. We gotta stop this guy.

How? We don't know where to find him.

Call Hillary. Hillary doesn't know him.

She knew his name because he was in the army with that fat dude... who used to live across the street from her.

Blah, blah, blah, blah. You're so defeatist.

Fine. I'll track him down myself.

If you did it, you'd probably muck it up anyway.

The guy can't do anything right. Oh!

Oh, d-detective.

Mr. Hayes, what are you doing here?

Huh? Well, I was, um, I'm visiting-- I'm visiting my Aunt Mabel.

She's real-- she's real sick.

She got polio and emphysema. All that shit together.

It's-- it's gonna kill her. I swear.

She, uh, she's staying in this room right here. I'm gonna go say hi.

Aunt Mabel, come give me some sugar, girl.

[ screams, yelling in Chinese ]

I told you don't listen to them doctors. No!

Hey, Aunt Mabel! [ yelling in Chinese ]

Okay, you're convulsing. You gotta relax.

[ yelling in Chinese ] All right, Aunt Mabel!

I'm gonna let you get some rest! Get some rest, Aunt Mabel!

All right, give Uncle Gordon my love.

[ yells in Chinese ]


That medicine got Aunt Mabel real irritable, man. She's crazy.

She's normally a real sweetheart.


Detective, you're not gonna believe what's happened.

We've just discovered a dead body.

[ softly ] Oh, shit.

They found the body! They found the body!

Oh, my Lord. That dumb-ass Grover.

He's the only one of us who follows directions.

We're going to jail. We're going to jail. We're gonna be somebody's bitch.

Maybe if we confess-- maybe if we confess, they'll go easy on us.

Yeah. Yeah, maybe we'll just get community service.

Or maybe they'll take us to one of those country club prisons.

We'll talk stocks with bankers.

We could really make some connections. You're insane.

We're gonna be somebody's bitch.

[ doorknob jiggling ]


I have some shocking news.

They found your kidnapper. Oh!

[ coughs ] You sure it was the kidnapper?

Of course I'm sure.

They found his dead body on the front steps of the Quaker Wax Museum.

He was wearing all your clothes... and those divine cuff links I gave you.

Any idea why the kidnapper would be wearing your clothes?

Huh? Um, no.

Any idea why the kidnapper would be dead?

W-well, that kidnapping den was a real hothouse of emotion you know.

Anything could have happened.

Well, let's just hope that body isn't so ripped up that you can't identify it.

Yep, that's the guy. No question. That's the kidnapper.

That's the guy? Uh-huh. [ screams ]

That's the guy who beat you up and held you prisoner?

Uh, yeah, well, he was a lot more ferocious... back when he was, uh, alive.

Ferocious? He's an old midget.

Yeah, but he had a real low voice. You know, very intimidating.

Uh, uh, "Put your hands behind your head.

Get in the corner." That's him.

That's him. I'd recognize that voice anywhere.

Okay. Okay.

Well, in some weird, screwy way that I will never understand, that is the kidnapper.

I'm telling you, this whole thing stinks.

That Fillmore and that Hayes, they're connected.

Yeah, well, that midget was no tough guy.

No shit, Sherlock. They are definitely hiding something or someone.

Detective? Our 1-800 line produced an eyewitness.

Meet Edgar Kettle. He saw the drop.

Yeah, I saw the whole thing. The whole thing.

Last night, I was in my check-cashing store.

I look out, and I see a man toss a body onto the steps.

What kind of man? Oh, he was ugly.

Real ugly.

Get me the sketch artist in here right now.

This case is about to break.

♪ [ humming ]

That looks just like me.

"Wanted. Crock kidnapping."

Make this go away.

Make this go away. Make this go away!

[ exhales ]

Oh! [ groaning ]

[ gasps ]

[ groaning ]

[ screams ]

I'm screwed! I'm screwed! I'm screwed!

[ Miss Crock ] Willard, take away my salad plate.

I'm ready for the second course! Yeah.

"Stick with Miss Crock. You'll get ahead."

[ doorbell rings ]

Apologize to the man! Apologize for what you did!

I'm sorry for misbehaving in the park.

You better be! This is the man you wronged, Tito?

Now, give him back what you took from him. Here it is, mister.

I didn't even open it. That's 'cause you couldn't, liar! It was locked!

Soon as I noticed the address on the luggage tag, we drove it straight over her.

Oh. Uh, thanks.

Come on! Your hide has an appointment with my hand!

Whoo! Yeah! Let's party! [ horn honking ]

"Willard, clear my salad plate!"

Yeah, well, lick me, you old bag!

Your busboy's gone to Bermuda!

We're going to Bali, so I can date her.

Yeah! Get some Bali booty.

♪ I'm gonna get some Bali booty ♪

Hurry up! Hurry up!

Come on! Come on!

Hey! You can't park there! That's a tow-away zone!

We ain't never comin' back. Go park it up your ass.


Excuse me. We'd like two tickets to Bali.

First class.

And how will you be paying for that? Oh, that's a good question.

That hadn't really occurred to us, really. Well, I don't know.

How about this? Cash! Cash!

Uh-oh. Oh.

Don't worry, we got money. Back off there, lady.

[ both gasping ]

There's no money! Oh!

There's no money. Miss Crock double-crossed us! The old crow never paid!

She didn't care if I lived or died!

She just ransomed me with cabbage!

[ woman over P.A. ] The white zone is for... the immediate loading and unloading of passengers.

I told you not to park there.

She double-crossed us. We'll triple-cross her.

But this time, we'll kidnap Miss Crock... like I said we do in the first place.

Nah, man, it's over.

Hey, listen, sorry I had to leave so, you know, quickly the other day.

That's all right, speedy.

I know you had a crime wave to get to.

So what do you need tonight, dynamite? Nitro? A getaway driver, maybe?

No, no, no. None of that. Our gang's gone straight.

All I need now is a-- a new life.

[ knock at door ]

Willard, answer the door.

[ knocking continues ] Willard!

Oh, God.

Honest to God, he kills me.

His father never would have goofed off like this.

He's never around when-- I'm coming! [ knocking ]

Who the hell are you? Who the hell are you?

This is who the hell I am! Huh?

I'm wanted by every cop in Pittsburgh!

I don't even know what I did wrong! Oh, my God.

You're the son of a bitch who's got my money!

What money? I never got no hundred grand.

A hundred grand, my ass!

It was five million big ones! What are you, batty?

The deal was for a hundred thou. What deal?

You ripped me off! Oh, yeah?

[ Grover chuckles ]

Good shot, huh?

Would you get the hell out of my house?

No! Where's Willard?

No, no, no. Wh-where's Willard? Where is he?

You want Willard? I'll get him. Please-- Don't-don't do that to me!

You think I'm stupid? You think I'm stupid? I'll get him! I'll get him!

You sons of bitches ain't ripping me off no more! Holy shit!

Go on! Oh, my God! Help me!

[ muttering ]

Oh, Jesus, Mary and Joseph! Come here, sweetie pie! [ moaning ]

Oh, God! I got ya!

[ groaning ] I got ya. Watch your head.

[ barking ] Come on! [ groans ]

Muffin! Muffin, attack!


[ chuckles ] Nice doggie.

[ Miss Crock ] Please, attack!

[ chuckles ] Come on, lady! [ Miss Crock groaning ]

Miss Crock, I got news for you!

I'm quitting!

Miss Crock, where are you?

Hey, Miss Crock! I got some news for you, whore!

I'm packing up and moving out of this dump!

That's right, you heard me!

Good-bye, pie hag!

Where's she at?

Oh, my God.

Grover stole my idea.

[ Chip ] Virginia! Where are you? We're late.

Virginia, the party starts at 9:00. Are you ready?


What's going on here? W-w-w-we were just turning down the sheets.

Where's Miss Crock? Huh?

Who are you? What's that note in your hand?

[ screams ]

What'd you do that for?

I was scared.

What do we do now? Run!

This is so bad! Oh! Jesus forgive me!

Help. Police.

That stupid Grover!

What kind of kidnapper uses his own stationery?

You know they're gonna catch him.

And when they do, he's gonna blab all about us!

[ siren wailing ]

Oh, my God! They're hunting us down!

[ man over loudspeaker ] Stop! This is the police!

No shit! Let's jump that fence!

I'm gettin' a charley horse! I gotta start workin' out!

Freeze! You're under arrest!

Details are sketchy, but in a twist stranger than bizarre, Miss Virginia Crock herself has been kidnapped.

[ TV continues, indistinct ] Oh, my God.

[ doorbell buzzes ] Snowball, baby, let me in!

[ pounding on door ] Open up!

Have you heard the news? Yes, I know. It's terrible.

[ both sobbing ]

Roger, what are we gonna do? I don't know.

But this is not our fault. You said it wouldn't hurt anyone!

You said if we switched the ransom money with cabbage, nothing would happen.

The kidnappers would be stuck! All I meant was they couldn't complain to the police.

Yeah! Now we've pissed them off!

You deserve that money. She's been a figurehead for years.

Oh, stop it! You're the only one that's been holding that bakery together.

I had to. She's out of her mind.

Exactly. So, why don't we just let the kidnappers keep her?

[ Rusty ] Get me out of here! [ door opening ]

I was framed! I got a medical condition!

All right, Fillmore. Time to talk.

[ Rusty ] My dick hurts!

I want the truth. Now, what's your connection to Rusty P. Hayes?

I've known Rusty my whole life. Our mothers were in church choir together.

I don't even know this chauffeur guy, all right?

The first time I seen him was in my restaurant two weeks ago.

Last night, like every week, I called up Rusty... and I told him to come over and watch Monday Night Football.

Last night was Thursday.

Oh. Yeah. I'm sorry. It wasn't Monday Night Football. It was Oprah.

Last night, I get this call to make a delivery... to this Wilbur guy.

So-- You mean Willard.

Yeah, right, right. Willard.

So anyway, I drive up to this mansion in my chicken delivery truck.

You know your truck was impounded at the airport earlier that day?

It was?

Oh, yeah, right, right. No, I was on foot.

[ Willard ] Anyways, the doorbell rings, and it's the kidnappers!

So, so, uh, they started chasing us.

And then Miss Crock, I remember she showed up.

She ran in, and she'd just been-- just been taking a bath, so she was nude.

Of course, naturally, this upset everybody.

Gunshots started goin' off, man.

The windows was explodin'. I heard screamin'.

So I run to my truck as fast as I can.

I mean, I run away... because I was scared.

Chip Oswald says you hit him over the head with a desk lamp.


No, no, he's mistaken.

He's mistaken. That-that was not me.

So Rusty's got this desk lamp, and he's beating the hell out of Chip.

And, uh, he's pounding him and pounding him.

So I say, I say, "Rusty, that's not the kidnappers. That's Chip!"

That's when the cops showed up and they distracted everybody, and, uh, the kidnappers got away.

One final question.

Let's forget all this other crap.

Where is Miss Crock?

I don't know. Who is Miss Crock?

[ Grover ] Come on. Open your mouth.

Come on. You want some food, Blackie?

Come on. Eat some dinner. Yum, yum, yum.

Come on. Eat it, Blackie. It's good. Look.

Come on, Blackie. His name is Muffin. It is not Blackie.

Hey, shut up!

The dog's name is whatever I say it is... until somebody takes you off my hands.

The sooner the better, poopy. The sooner the better!

Yeah, go on. Yeah, go on.

[ babbling nonsense ] Help!

♪ [ "Hawaii Five-0" ]

That's my favorite TV program. We're gonna watch it, Blackie.

This is it. Ooh, look at that. Look at that.

See that? Hmm? Hawaii Five-0.

What do we got, Danno? Klaus Marburg. West German passport.

How bad? How bad?

Pretty bad. Went right through him. Any witnesses?

[ McGarrett ] Any witnesses? Yeah, lots of them.

Only one shot? Only one shot? Just one.

He was hit just after he stepped off the ramp.

[ Chin Ho ] Steve, take a look. Finished.

What is your obsession with that guy?

Hey! It's Jack Lord!

I'm the vice president of his national fan club.

Clam up, will ya?

Hey, what are you, crazy?

The show's not over yet.

Give me that. [ groaning ]

[ Muffin barking ]

Excuse me. May I have your attention, please? Oh, my God.

I am pleased to announce that Miss Crock's bakery... is now merging with Copenhagen Snak Food.

What the hell are you talking about? Additionally, in accordance with Miss Crock's established policy regarding kidnapping, we will not pay the ransom.

I know Miss Crock will be proud of us standing behind her like this.

Hey, wait a minute. I'm gonna get screwed on this deal.

That's two dozen anthuriums.

[ chuckles ] What?

What did I do? Oh, Jesus, Mary and Joseph.

[ sobbing ] I swear I'm innocent! No! No, please! Don't!

Who's the crybaby? We just busted the guy.

He was trying to pass the marked bills from the Fillmore kidnapping.

[ sobbing continues ] Well, what do you know?

The brains behind the operation.

Hey, get me Fillmore and Hayes!

Whatever you do, don't tell them about Grover. Why not?

Because things are bad enough without us getting blamed for killing that old midget... at the wax museum.

Maybe we should just tell them the truth. Yeah, right.

Like they're gonna believe this all started 'cause we kidnapped Muffin's turd.

There you are. Get in here! Sit down!

All right, the days of dicking Dewey are over.

We found the kidnapper. Your partner extraordinaire is in our custody.

So tell me all about Roger.

[ together ] Who?

Oh, no.

You can't play those games anymore.

We nailed him with marked bills. All that five million was traceable.

What five million? Miss Crock never paid.

What do you mean, she never paid?

Uh-- uh-- I-I-I don't know.

You just said Miss Crock never paid.

What do you mean, she never paid? What do you mean?

I didn't say that. You did say that. I just heard you say that.

You said that. You said Miss Crock never paid. I didn't!

I wanna know what you meant by that. [ stammering ] I don't know.

What did you mean by that? What did you mean, Miss Crock never paid?

What did you mean by that? What did you mean by that? What did he mean by that?

[ gasps ]

What the hell are you doing? That man's a cop!

I was scared.

Every time you're scared, you hit a guy with a desk lamp!

I'm gettin' out of here.

[ sobbing ]

Who gave you the marked money? I don't know!

It was change in a restaurant.

If you don't tell us, you're spending three years in hard labor.

It was Chip Oswald.


Come on!

Willard, this is a cop car. Should we really be taking a cop car?

I'm gonna kill you!

[ engine revs ] Put your ass to the gas! Go! Go, go, go, go, go!

Where are we goin'? I don't know!

[ siren wailing ] Oh, shit. We're not making things any better.

We gotta find Miss Crock and Grover and clear this whole thing up.

How are we gonna do that, man? We don't know nothin' about the guy.

We don't know where he lives, how to reach him. He's a complete mystery.

Hold on. I got an idea.

[ line ringing ]

[ woman ] Directory assistance. What city, please?

Pittsburgh. Grover Cleaver.

Is that a business or residence? Uh, residence.

Is that Kleaver with a "K"?

No, with a "C," like cupcake. [ gunfire ]

[ woman ] Thank you. Press 1 to be connected.

[ beeps ] Got it.

♪ [ "Hawaii Five-0" over telephone ]

[ Grover on answering machine] Aloha. You've reached the Jack Lord fan club.

I got the Jack Lord fan club. The who? For membership, send $25... to the Jack Lord fan club.

Attention: Grover Cleaver. Wait! It's Grover!

He lives at 910 Mabley Terrace.

Mabley Terrace? That's a shitty neighborhood.

[ tires screeching ]

Damn it! Turn around!

Hey, we got away!

[ woman over TV ] As you can see from our skycam, they are traveling in a stolen police car.

Again, to recap for those viewers just tuning in, less than 15 minutes ago the two key suspects in the Crock kidnapping... escaped from a downtown police station.

We'll stay with this story until its conclusion.

[ snoring ]

♪ [ Grover singing, indistinct ]

[ chuckles ] Hi!

Here we go. I got it all.

Here it is.

One box of Fixodent.

One bag of prunes for the old chute.

And four pounds of lamb and rice... dog chow!

That's for you. Where's my Bengay?

You forgot my Bengay, didn't you? You know my muscles get sore!

"You know how sore my muscles get." Zip it, you nag!

[ groans ] I wish I never met that dang chauffeur.

[ whimpers ] Come on.

The first rule of life, Blackie: never do no favors.

You call kidnapping a man doing him a favor?

I didn't kidnap that guy. He kidnapped himself.

What did you say?

[ vehicle approaching ] Hmm? Uh-oh.

You ain't gonna take me alive!


Jesus Christ! Why is he shootin' at us?

He thinks we're the police!

[ over loudspeaker ] Grover, we are not the police! We are not the police!

Oh, yeah! Tryin' to fool stupid Grover, huh?

I'll show ya!

[ both screaming ]

Grover! Grover, it's us!

[ Rusty ] Don't shoot!

Oh, it's you guys. Come on up!

Hurry up! Hurry up!

Any word yet on that car? Yeah, it's been spotted on Mabley Terrace.

Mabley Terrace? Ah, Jesus.

I'm gonna need some backup. Let's go!

Grover, you have to let Miss Crock go, man! Grover!

Too much shit's goin' on. No way!

I'm out 18 bucks for groceries. What?

All right. Look, here's a twenty, all right? Yeah!

I can't break no twenty. Keep the change!

All right.

Miss Crock, we're here to rescue you. How dare you kidnap yourself!


You tried to swindle me?

I am going to have your ass!

Miss Crock, I'm sorry. What nerve!

After all I've done for you.

I was under a lot of pressure, and-and I--

After all you've done for me? [ sirens wailing ]

[ groaning ] Oh! Oh!

[ man over loudspeaker ] Willard Fillmore, the building is surrounded!

What exactly, Miss Crock, did you ever do for me?

I've been your slave for 15 years! I worked my butt off!

And then when I got kidnapped, you wouldn't even pay the ransom money!

Well, after all, you-- you were just a hired servant.


Well, does a hired servant watch TV with you when you're lonely?

Does a hired servant read to you that time you broke your glasses?

Does a hired servant visit you in the hospital when nobody else does?

I did everything my father would've.

Mmm-- not everything.


Your father was, uh, a very special man.

He provided... extra services.

[ Rusty ] Oh, my God.

Your dad didn't say, "Stick with Miss Crock. You'll get ahead."

He said, "stick with Miss Crock and you'll get head."

Would you butt out? We're talking here!

Yuck! Oh! [ spits ]

[ man ] Let's move! Move, move, move, move, move!

Can you see them? I think they're on the third floor.

Oh, man!

That's why I couldn't compare to my dad?

Oh, now, now, now. Don't be silly.

It's just that your father was... very gifted. Oh!

That's some big shoes to fill. I don't wanna hear this!

Man, you must've been a total letdown.

No wonder she ransomed you with an empty suitcase.

That suitcase wasn't empty.

I paid every cent.

Oh, yeah? Then why do Roger and Chip have the money?

Roger and Chip?

[ horn honking ] [ Hillary ] Wait!

Stop! Don't shoot! They're stupid and confused!

[ man ] Position! Move out!

I'm goin' in. Come on! Come on!

I can't believe it.

I can't believe Chip shafted me.

I can't believe you came through.

[ man ] Beaver team, move in! Go, go, go, go!

[ grunting ]

Ooh! It's like an army out there.

[ stammering ] I'm on parole for mail fraud. I gotta hide.

Grover! How'd you get in there, man?

I mean, [ pounding on wall ] Come on, Grover!

I-I-I took care of all of Chip's gambling debts.


I-I-I paid for all his methadone treatments.

I guess we both got the big screw.

Come on, Grover!

Don't move! Hayes and Fillmore, you're under arrest again for the abduction of Virginia Crock!

And this time, it's gonna stick!

You clod.

They didn't kidnap me.

They rescued me.

If Willard hadn't shown up, I'd be dead and buried in this hellhole!

I don't understand. Then who's the kidnapper?

♪ [ disco ] [ all laughing ]

First, I wanna upgrade the assembly line.

Toss out mincemeat. Ooh. Ooh.

Bring in vanilla custard.

Ahh! Ahh!

Then I'm gonna mix strawberry into the rhubarb.

[ laughter ] Muffin?

[ door opens ]

Freeze! You're under arrest.

Chip Oswald, you are hereby apprehended for the kidnappings of Willard Fillmore and Virginia Crock.

That is ridiculous! How dare you!

I demand you leave my house! [ barks ]

Put on your pants. You're goin' to jail.

All right, let's keep them hands behind your back.

Oh, my God! It's the new Village People.

[ grunts ] You're all crazy!

Put down that gun! I'm not goin' back to prison!

What do you mean "back"? Up yours!

I've got nothing from all of those years of suffering, working for you!

Chip, nobody does. Stay out of this!

[ screams ]

I'll see you all in hell!

I'll slice you and I'll dice you... and I'll bake you all into meat pies!

[ screams ]

Well, it's an ugly ending, but the case is solved.

I knew he was the kidnapper the whole time.

Never trust a black man named Chip.

This is so beautiful.

I can spend the rest of my life here. Yeah.

And we found a place where almost everyone speaks English.

Oh, there's my juicy, succulent chicken. Come here.

How's business, baby? [ muffled ] Great, Rusty.

You guys got a package. Huh? Oh.

Oh! Hey. Look.

It's from Miss Crock.

What did she send?

Wow! Check it out. It's an Armani suit.

And there's a letter.

[ Miss Crock's voice ] Dear Willard, I hope you're enjoying your retirement money.

Here's a suit you can wear when you graduate from USC.

Back in Pittsburgh, I decided not to sell the company.

And I have a new man in my life.

Grover's quite special.

He's a little slow, but he does what he's told.

So, thanks again for introducing us.

Your everlasting friend, Virginia.

[ grunting ]